Major Depression and other Unipolar Depressions

Everyone has days where they feel blah, down, or sad. Typically, these feelings disappear after a day or two, particularly if circumstances change for the better. People experiencing the temporary "blues" don't feel a sense of crushing hopelessness or helplessness, and are able, for the most part, to continue to engage in regular activities. Prolonged anhedonia (the inability to experience pleasure), hopelessness, and failure to experience an increase in mood in response positive events rarely accompany "normal" sadness. The same may be said for other, more intense sorts of symptoms such as suicidal thoughts and hallucinations (e.g., hearing voices). Instead, such symptoms suggest that serious varieties of depression may be present, including the subject of this document: Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) or (more informally), Major Depression.

For people dealing with Major Depression, negative feelings linger, intensify, and often become debilitating.

Major Depression is a common yet serious medical condition that affects both the mind and body. It is a complex illness, creating physical, psychological, and social symptoms. Although informally, we often use the term "depression" to describe general sadness, the term Major Depression is defined by a formal set of criteria which describe which symptoms must be present before the label may be appropriately used.

Major Depression is a mood disorder. The term "mood" describes one's emotions or emotional temperature. It is a set of feelings that express a sense of emotional comfort or discomfort. Sometimes, mood is described as a prolonged emotion that colors a person's whole psychic life and state of well-being. For example, if someone is depressed, they may not feel like exercising. By not exercising for long periods of time, they will eventually experience the negative effects of a sedentary lifestyle such as fatigue, muscle aches and pains, and in some cases, heart disease.

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Many people are puzzled by the term "Unipolar Depression," which is another term for Major Depression. The term "Unipolar Depression" is used here to differentiate Major Depression from the other famous sort of depression, Bipolar (or Manic) Depression, which is a separate illness. It is helpful to think of mood states as occurring on a continuum. During a particular day or week, people can shift from good (or "up") moods, to bad (or "down") moods, or remain somewhere in the middle ("neutral" mood). A person who experiences significant impairment related to shifting between up and down moods often has Bipolar Disorder (discussed in more detail later). Bipolar Disorder can be envisioned as a seesaw movement back and forth between two poles or mood states ("bi" means "two"). In contrast to people with Bipolar Disorder, people with Major Depression remain on the down mood pole; they do not exhibit mood swings. Because they are stuck on the down or depressed end of the mood continuum; they experience a unipolar ("uni" means "one") mood state.

Mood disorders rank among the top 10 causes of worldwide disability, and Major Depression appears first on the list. Disability and suffering is not limited to the individual diagnosed with MDD. Spouses, children, parents, siblings, and friends of people experiencing Major Depression often experience frustration, guilt, anger, and financial hardship in their attempts to cope with the suffering of their friend or loved one.

Major Depression has a negative impact on the economy as well as the family system. In the workplace, depression is a leading cause of absenteeism and diminished productivity. Although only a minority of people seek professional help to relieve a mood disorder, depressed people are significantly more likely than others to visit a physician. Some people express their sadness in physical ways, and these individuals may undergo extensive and expensive diagnostic procedures and treatments while their mood disorder goes undiagnosed and untreated. As a result, depression-related visits to physicians account for a large portion of health care expenditures.

Although the origins of depression are not yet fully understood, we do know that there are a number of factors that can cause a person to suffer from depression. We also know that people who are depressed cannot simply will themselves to snap out of it. Getting better often requires appropriate treatment. Fortunately, there are a wide array of effective treatments available.

The current document provides an in-depth look at Major Depression by summarizing symptoms and diagnostic criteria, prevalence and course, historical and contemporary understandings of the causes of the illness, and assessment and treatment.

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Thank you!

re:re: solutions sept 3rd - - Nov 19th 2009

someone earlier commented on the author of the solutions paragraph. I totally agree with his disgust. Absolutely disgraceful. Sometimes i wonder what are people like this doing on depression sites. I thought the only people that go to these sites are people who need help and reasurrance and to know they don't feel alone. When I am not depressed I don't really search for stuff on depression so I can't understand why someone would say kill yourself. Sometimes i think i'm crazy but seeing stuff like this reminds me what crazy actually is and this I DEFINATELY am not.

Could help right? Now someone sees it. - Grey - Nov 10th 2009

I am 21 and I have been off and on with constant thoughts of conflict, anger, loss and lack of worth.  I get an A in anything that i try to do so now I don't even have a sense of acheivement when I do.  All i can do is fail.  I am once again systematically cutting off anyone who trys to be close to me like I do every time I get people who actually give a shit about me.  I do not want to go to a therapist because I am paranoid about how it could possibly affect my future.  I have my own business and a 3.6 gpa and everything is so focused on the future success of me and blah blah blah.  While all these thoughts dance like a parade across my mind it all turns into grey as well as all the people and notions of happiness.  I keep reaching for something to care about and I spend my money on little things just to make myself happy but it is all a charade.  Once people arent around me anymore the truth hits, I fucking hate me, I hate the way I look in the mirror and there is no longer passion in my eyes.  When I get bored and drift into the greyness I think about shooting myself in the head. I dont want to, but I cant stop myself from just drifting right into that thought everytime like clockwork.  I try to think positive and it works in small ways, but I keep coming back to the same thoughts and when I try to shake them off I actually give myself a headache that hurts like a bitch so now i cringe while I fight my brain.  It is so much fun to look like a psychopath at random times in the middle a crowded university.  Hoo-ray!

One foot in front of the other - Tyler - Nov 6th 2009

I have been there before.  I went through a period of time when I was about 20 (Im 25 now) where I didn't have the motivation for anything.  I suggest you pick up an old hobby. Something that gave you enjoyment in the past.  Try convincing yourself each day to do something for your enjoyment and try to have realistic expectations.  Replace negetive thoughts that you may have about yourself with something positive, anything positive at all it may be small. It is just as easy to be think positively as it is to think negetively. Understand that there are many people who have tough times and get through them so what makes them different from you.  You deserve to be happy and remember that if you want to be happy you can.  You may have a low self esteem or just haven't found your niche in the world which is fine, remember people do care and you can get through it. Try to live a healthier lifestyle if you can and remember little improvements are still improvements.  Take things day by day my man.  

not getting better - sc - Nov 5th 2009

I've struggled with depression since high school. I'm a smart guy, but I never had the motivation to do really well. Things got better for a short time, but now I'm 20, back in college, and things are worse than they ever were before. My dad died, my brother is married, and it seems like there's absolutely no one to talk to. I'm 6'2, I eat everyday, but I'm losing weight. I went from 165 down to 148 since last year. When I try to read for class, my mind drowns out everything and I can't concentrate. It took me over an hour to read three pages today, and I don't remember what it was about. This shouldn't be happening to me. I'm not slow and I'm not dim, but this depression is overpowering. I think it's time I sought professional help.

i dont know how to help my mother - coralyn idea - Nov 2nd 2009

please help.i dont know what to do.years ago my mother discovered about my fathers another woman.then after that,their relationship turns bad.they fight everyday and then seperate for several months.now we already moved on and they are back together.but then my mothers attitude went the same,she causes their every fight, every minute,everyday.as if it is their daily routines.and the reason?because my mother stilll cant forget what my father did.im afraid my mother is some kind of paranoid according to what they said ut i just want to help her live a more normal life.i love her and i truly care for her and our family.please help me.i need it right now.

TREATMENT RESISTANT MAJOR DEPRESSION IS KILLING ME - PEGI - Nov 2nd 2009

I HAVE SUFFERED WITH THIS DEBILITATING ILLNESS FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS. I'VE BEEN TO DOCTORS, AND HAVE TRIED ALL KINDS OF ANTIDEPRESSANTS/MOOD ELEVATORS/ETC., EVEN "VNS" WHICH DID NO GOOD AT ALL.                   WITH THE DEATHS OF MY BELOVED PARENTS 3 YRS AGO, EVERYTHING HAS GOTTEN TWICE AS BAD, ALTHOUGH I NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE TO FEEL MUCH WORSE THAN THE WAY I HAD BEEN FEELING FOR SO LONG. WITH MAMA AND DADDY GONE (AND A BETRAYAL BY MY ONLY 2 FAMILY MEMBERS LEFT - 2 COUSINS - RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE 3 YEARS THAT I WAS PRIVILEDGED TO BE THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER OF MY MOTHER), THERE'S NO LONGER ANY REASON TO KEEP TRYING TO "LIVE."

I HAVE NO HAPPINESS OR JOY; I DON'T ENJOY ANY OF THE THINGS I USED TO ENJOY; I'M AFRAID OF EVERYTHING; EVERYTHING OVERWHELMS ME AND I CAN'T GET ANYTHING DONE... EVEN CLEAN MY HOUSE; I EXIST, I DO'NT HAVE A LIFE; IT'S AN EFFORT TO BRUSH MY TEETH OR WASH MY FACE; THERE IS ONLY SADNESS, TEARS, AND HOPELESSNESS. I'VE TRIED FOR SO LONG TO GET THE RIGHT KIND OF HELP, BUT I JUST GET KICKED IN THE FACE. I HAVE NO ONE... NO SIBLINGS, NO CHILDREN, MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN SEPARATED FOR 12 YEARS. I CAN'T REACH OUT TO PEOPLE, AND THE FRIENDS I USED TO HAVE DON'T REACH OUT TO ME ANYMORE. I'M FILLED WITH ANGER, AND DON'T KNOW WHY GOD WON'T HEAL ME. I'M A GOOD PERSON AND HAVE A KIND HEART. IF I WERE HALF-WAY WELL, I WOULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE HELPING OTHERS.... BUT I'VE LOOKED AND TRIED TO GET HELP EVERYWHERE. SOMETIMES I THINK DOCTORS BELIEVE THEY ARE SUCH GODS, THAT IT'S NEVER NECESSARY FOR THEM TO EVER CALL BACK SOMEONE WHO HAS APPROACHED THEM BECAUSE IT'S A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION. THEY DON'T CARE THAT MY ATTEMPT TO REACH THEM MIGHT TURN OUT TO BE MY LAST TRY TO EVER GET MY LIFE BACK. I HATE THE STUPID PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS DEBILITATING AND MURDERING ILLNESS AND THINK THAT THE PERSON "JUST NEEDS TO SHOW SOME STRENGTH AND GET SOME EXERCISE" OR "DON'T BE SO WEAK... MAKE YOURSELF HELP YOURSELF" OR " JUST FORCE YOURSELF TO GET UP AND GET GOING.. AND DAY BY DAY IT WILL ALL GET EASIER." ETC. ETC. ETC. HOW I'D LOVE TO SEE THESE PEOPLE HAVE TO HANDLE THIS TYPE OF DEPRESSION FOR ONLY AN AFTERNOON! MUCH LESS A LIFETIME.

I HAVE NO ONE TO LOVE, NO ONE TO LOVE ME, I HAVE PHYSICAL ILLNESSES IN ADDITION TO THIS DEPRESSION WHICH HAS STOLEN MY LIFE AND ALMOST KILLED ME, AND I SEE NO HOPE FOR ANYTHING. EVERY NIGHT I PRAY THAT GOD WILL TAKE ME HOME.

Always depressed - - Oct 30th 2009

I have suffered from depression since I was 6 years old now I am 21 and my depression and social anxiety is at it's worse. I am taking zoloft which I have taken for 5 years but recently my depression has taken a turn for the worse the past few months. I have even thought and caluclated the amount of days it would take for someone to find my decomposed body (2 weeks). I have thought about getting help but my anxiety has gotten the better of me. I should be happy, I have a full sholarship for 5 years, a part-time job, a loving family, but I find myself always sleeping and finding an escape. I think I really need help.

OPEN WOUNDS. - - Oct 29th 2009

Pain.anger.sadness.lonliness.hurt.confused.are words that i feel within myself. I'm 22 and I'm a college student working towards being the best person I can be. I will be graduating next December and I've always been a very laid back person that enjoys the smaller things in life. When I was 20 I started feeling sad all the time and started to worry more than I use too. I didn't know what the problem was, but i had a smile on my face everyday. Little did people know I was drowing within myself. I lost myself. I no longer knew the person I had become and i would look in the mirror asking myself when will Kim come back? How long is she going to be gone? will she ever come back? I then got on my knees and cried for hours. My mother and father don't understand my pain so I don't communicate with them because with my mother it leads into an unwanted argument and i don't need it...I have given up on happiness for know...I see the sunshine sometimes, but it's never bright enough to take the pain away. I look at the clock as times passing by wondering when everything's going to be alright. I was never a problem child...teen..or adult. I seen so much growing up and it has had a big impact on the person that I am today. I seen my parents fight and I mean FIGHT. I seen things that give me no hope for marriage or children. I'm just lost. what do I do and how to I save myself. I cry all the time...ALL THE TIME. I'm just wanting to be set free. from anger, sadness, confusion and more..FREE. I'm tired of looking back and still walking in darkness...I've tried to be a good friend..some don't want that...and good girlfriend...some don't want that...I try to be a great daughter...and I feel like I'm a bother. why should anyone have to feel this way...I feel so down and out. I'm don't know how long I can go through something like this. I ask myself...will i find myself..my identity. who I am. who I'm destine to be. WILL SHE COME?

What is wrong with me? - - Oct 28th 2009

I am 27 years old. I am single, no childen, no significant other.  I am a full time student with above average grades. I have a good job and make enough money to get by.  I am constantly angry and upset at the whole world.  I feel very awkard and self conscious in any type of social situation. I don't have any close relationships with anyone.  I get along fine with my family but I am not close to them, nor I trust them; it's superficial.  I feel hopeless and feel like I will never get anywhere in life.  I feel like I am stupid, ugly and worthless.  Happy people annoy me; I hate holidays and anything that resembles joy. Things that people normally find joyful I think are stupid. I would rather be alone than in the company of others.   I haven't ever thought of taking my own life, but i wouldn't mind if I went now.  Sometimes I just want someone to put me out of my misery.  I hate the fact that everyone expects me to be cheerful and happy.  No one understands the rage that I feel and they think I "get too worked up".  Can anyone help me put a name to the way I feel? I am miserable.

i have totally destroyed my life,my family. - sharon taylor - Oct 21st 2009

i have so much to say on this subject,i don't know where to start.i was diagnosed with bipolar,schioprhenia,mania depression over 5 yrs ago.i was going through a divorce,working in a factory had to move in with my parents,i also have a son whom has adhd and i was pregnant with a baby from a one night stand.at 15 i was arrested and put in rehab.i use to drink take pills huff spray paint and do cocaine.my family knew ther was something wrong with me but i did nt want to accept it.i have tried to cope with it on my own.i wanted to kill myself and my children.i didnt know what to do,living with my parents was so stressful.i never made enough money to provide for my children the way i wanted to.i never got child support,well only when he had to save his ass from going to jail.my check was being garnished every week from debts my husband and i both owed.i hated myself my life my ex husband and some times my parents and sister too.i have been know to go out on occasion to drink,but this last time,i was so stressed i thought i would have a drink or two,but i ended up drinking way too much and went over to my boyfrineds and accused him of a bunch of b.s.then i just snapped i dont really know what happened to me i grabbed two knifes,i hit him in the face i chased him around,i must have thought that i was going to kill him.but i would never intentionally hurt anyone .i love him.he has always been there for me,he was my biggest supporter.he made me realize things and see things differently in my life.i hate myself for what i have put every one through.no one deserves to be treated the way i have treated them.i am now charged with a class c felony and an open container.i'm scared.i just need help.i know i do ,but all the times i was on medicine i could.nt function i was so sedated.the drs changed my meds four times but nothing helped me so i quit them all togeher.

my sob story - - Oct 20th 2009
I am 27 yrs old have been married for 9 yrs and have an 8 yr old and an 8wk old.... the first three years of my marriage was a trip through hell and the devil was my husband.... we divorced....remarried due to his changes(he stopped drinking).. I have been using drugs since i was 14, any drug name it and i have loved it..... I managed to get myself through college (EMT-P) but for what? i am now stuck at home taking care of my bed-ridden father in law and my 8 wk old....my husband may not drink or beat me anymore but he uses cocaine on an extreme level so he is no help, although he maintains a good job EMT-P), that isnt enough..........i spend my days alone  (with baby and in capacitated father in law) i cry all the time, i have no energy, hope, anbition.....i regularly skip showers for days at a time.............no sleep anymore.............. well anyways i started thinking about using my husbands beautiful, powerful 357 to put me to sleep permanatly, or as i told a close friend to blow my fukin brains out.... that was enough,,, i have lost 2 boyfriends in my life due to suicide i know that pain(yes 2 boyfriends) so i went and saw my dr. i cried my eyes out and felt so embarresed, my life is good, i have money nice vehicles own my home educated great kids and lots of love,,,, but i feel hopeless lost alone and that makes me feel guilty.....well the dr. imediatly sent my to a phsyc.. which turned into just setting up an appt. no help that day and i was so angry that i went through ALL THAT AND STILL HAD NOTHING TO SHOW FRO IT,, THE VERY NEXT MORNING WENT BACK TO MY DR AND TOLD HER I NEEDED IMMEDIATE RELIEF THAT I WAS AT FALLING OVER THE EDGE........she prescribed me 2mg diazapam which yes does help some but not significantly... point is now i know that i am on a path to being happy again......HAPPINESS IS POSSIBLE...... at least thats what i keep telling myself...

Always expected to be the strong one... - J. - Oct 20th 2009

For some reason I am always expected to be the strong one and I appear that way to to most, perhaps that is why I always seem to be the one people come to that will help and solve whatever problem it is that is happening right now.  I am also the one who is always expected to make the compromise if there is one needing made. 

A quick view into me: mother at 16, 17, 19, married to high school sweetheart, father abusive and wrote me off at 14 he passed 3 years ago, mother who had weight loss surgery and went crazy in the head and leads a destructive life which don't include me unless she is in a mess, only sister survived breast cancer, daughter with health problems and a crazy boy friend, son has bipolar and says mean horrible things about me that are not true, care giver to mother-in-law (a thankless job), father-in-law passed away last year, lost good jobs because of the failing economy and overwhelming stress, going deaf from Meniere's and frequent bouts of infection, and no health insurance for myself.

I am surrounded by people, but I feel unloved.  I feel like I live in a fish bowl and that I have no privacy, but I feel alone.

I am always sad, I barely eat, I cry myself to sleep every night only to wake up every hour because I can't sleep, I barely have the energy to do the tasks required of me as a mother and a wife to maintain the household (cooking, cleaning, etc).

I feel worthless and useless and often feel like a punching bag.  I don't feel like I belong or that I even matter. I don't feel like I have a home or that I have control over anything in my life.

I hate sleeping, I hate eating, I hate breathing, I hate life!  I see others around me that have seemingly perfect lives and they "owe it to God" but He has nothing for me.  All I have known in life has been disappointment and heartache. Struggling and falling flat on my face no matter how hard I try or how much "praise" I give Him is the only thing I have received.

I struggle with going to work and coming home.  I struggle with day to day life in general.  Although I would never think of ending life by my own hand, I do not care if it ended.

I am overwhelmed with stress and it seems one more thing always goes wrong and it sends me into this dreadful thought prosess and I want to give up.  I don't know how to handle stress even at the smallest level anymore.  Honestly, I am at the point now that if I drop something on the floor like a sock, I stare at the sock and begin crying uncontrollably.  I need help but don't know where to go.

What Has Happened? - Cathy - Oct 14th 2009

People have forgotten what is important or some probably never knew.  They look outside themselves for happiness and rewards.  Years ago, family was number one and it satisfied people but now it is money, job, anything else.  Everyone is looking after Number One so expecting anyone else to fill the void you have in your life will only lead to disappointment.  Everyone wants money, money, money or maybe fame or acceptance from this group or person.  You can only control yourself and doing that is actually a big job these days.  Too many people expect someone else or something else to make them happy - world doesn't work that way.  Everyone has such great big plans rather than little steps towards a goal where they realize success along the journey.  What happened to God in people's lives?  You know that something is missing - what is it? 

to Dalekent - aunt dina - Oct 12th 2009

to Dalekent:

Don't lose hope.  There are retraining programs.  Don't know what state you live in but there are programs that your workers comp carrier might be able to hook you up with.  Keep going with your leg.  You never know.....

Aunt Dina

Sleep solution - katsell - Oct 11th 2009

I'm finding that a proper diet, indeed a raw food diet is helping me beyond compare to sleep better. Raw food recipes abound on the interent, and the food is fantastic. I'm having a great time with meal preparation.

lost hope - dalekent - Oct 7th 2009

I HAD MY LEG CRUSHED 18 MONTHS AGO. UNDER WORKCOMP CARE THAT HAS BEEN SO SLOW THAT NOW MY KNEE & ankle WELL NOT WORK. DOC. ARE TELLING ME THAT NO MORE CAN BE DONE. THE ONLY SKILLS I HAVE IS IN CONSTUCTION. THAT WORLD IS OVER FOR ME & I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Re: Solutions (Sept 3rd) reader comment - - Sep 30th 2009

I am stunned that the end part of this reader comment was allowed on screen.  How thoroughly reprehensible!

Anyone who knows anything about depression - I myself have been diagnosed with a severe major depression - will know that depression is not something that you can just pull yourself out of with a click of the fingers.  It is a long, slow process that is far from easy for any of us.  For a web page written on the basis of understanding depression to allow the comment (paraphrased) 'Enjoy your life or stop living it' is the height of irresponsibility.

People with depression are too often considering ending their lives, or not doing anything to stop it ending too early.  The remark published actively encourages suicidal thoughts and acts in people who may not have the emotional control necessary to read around it to the probably well-meant 'snap out of it' that I assume was the intent.

I am disgusted and outraged that this has been allowed on this site with apparently no consideration of how it may affect individuals in dire need of support.

To them, I say the same thing I tell myself every day.  Though I cannot yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, it does not mean that it is not there.

Almost 50 and things are bad - - Sep 29th 2009

I am almost 50 years old.  I have made some poor decisions during my life so far.  I am married and have 4 kids.  I was layed off of my job in January of 2008 found another in May of 08.  Then in December of 08 I was lated off again.  I have been looking ever since and have had one interview in 10 months.  I am able to make my payments and keep my house for now but am very concerned that I will be losing my house.  I am afraid.  The first job that I was layed off of people that sat around and played video games were kept while others that worked were gotten rid of.  It makes no sense but that is the way it was done.  My job was my life.  I like to work.  There appears to be no hope.

realistic expectations about an objective life - lee du ploy - Sep 21st 2009

All of us suffer from some form of depression at one time or another in our lives,learning to be realistic and objective is one of the major ways in which to overcome this.

Lets for a moment considder that you have to face the terrible dillema of saving something from your burning house, you have only a few minutes to save what you considder the most valuable.How you calculate its value is based on a number of factors,but, I daresay you don't spend time thinking objectively about your options, you immediatly make up your mind to save what you think of as the most valuable.

My grandfathers theory  was that if we were born at a hunderd and worked our way backwards,people would have less time to dwell on the unceratinty of life but deal with the reality that you only have those many years to live and therfore deal with it.

In this day and age we are given to bellive that we are entittled to more and consequintly expect everything to run according to what we are told by the media( I sometime have to remind people that TV is not real)

So lets sonsidder for a second that you are given a choice to loose one of you senses,sight hearing etc., and lets assume you have no choice over it.Do you think you could be objective about which one to choose, I suspect not because they are all intergral end certainly essential to life as we see it.Yet many people live a comfortable life without heairng or seeing.

My point is that we should learn to be objective about depression and be realistic about our expectations.

Learn to accept that life is just once,to live it to the best we need to expect the best;not from it but from our selves.

Find time to substitute your "morose" time for objective time,do anything but sit and think about your problem;in my opinion helping others will help you see how trivial one's own problems are.

lee du ploy

My daughter is depressed!!! - Brenda - Sep 16th 2009

I have a 17 year old daughter that I fear is deeply depressed. But she refuses to see a doctor and I fear for her. I know she's doing drugs and she doesn't come home home for days at a time. Please, if anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it.

ahumm... - Jack - Sep 11th 2009

My names Jack, I'm 17 almost 18. I was diagnosed with depression after I was forced to rob three houses and got all the charges put on me. Though 7th to 11th grade I was homeschooled. I got bullied a lot in elementery and 6th grade. I figured out though therapy that I have created a whole crowd of people around me so I don't feel so alone But, now I know their not real...so I feel really alone all the time. I have cronic constaption so I smelled all the time until around my ninth year of schooling then I got control of that. I was proscibed welbutron*(spelled wrong try and sound it out)* and that didn't work I can never sleep until my body phyicly can't move It's 6:05 a.m. I've been up now for three days and can't figure out what to do I feel like no one cares. I just got convicted for a class C felony and have to pay 18,000 dollors to the state for something I was forced to do.... It's just not right..but that's the way it goes I guess I'll just never make it in life...

every story - jo - Sep 9th 2009

i am going through one of the toughest times of my life the mixed feelings and emotions r undescribable. after readin all the stories i know i can conquer the way i have been left due to every kind of abuse i encountered. thankyou to you all. All the best joanne  xxxx

wow does that sound familiar ljl - sandra - Sep 8th 2009

I have been in some what the same situation. i have been told that i jumped out of  moving car more than once. that i have said some really nasty things that i don;t remembeer saying. i have layed on the ground balled up in a fetal position crying for hours and not understanding what was the matter with me. i still cry all the time, i feel anxiety on a regular, im so ashamed of the way that i feel that i keep it bottled up inside and when it comes out its not pretty. I have decided not to social drink. I usually stay at home. i can't keep living like this i have called different places for help thay say we will call you back in 2 or 3 days and know one what will it take for me to get some help ................      

i dont what to do - sandra - Sep 8th 2009

I have tried to commit suicide a couple of time since i was 16 years old so that should tell you how long i have been batteling depression. I was diagn. serervly depressed a couple of years a go. I have had treatment or couceling and medication when i can afford it . My family does not know intern that makes me feel alone. My boy freind does not understand and thinks it up to me to bring myself out of it. The sympyoms i have rea about MDD and Unipolar Depression sounds like me. I don't have

insurance and i don't know what to do. Is there Help ?  

alchohol and depression - ljl - Sep 6th 2009

it was my birthday friday ,but im suffering anxiety and depression but made the mistake of going out for a social drink ,i was ok untill we went in a pub and my partner bought vodka because he didnt like the lager they sold, something happened and my mood changed from being happy to depressed and we came home in a taxi i was crying and drunk my boyfriend hid in his van from me and i flew into a raging panic attack , the neighbours rang the police and i cant remember much only that it was very late and they were saying i was a nightmare ,i feel so ashamed of myself and sorry ,the policeman was very nice and did a good job to calm me down .i apologised to the neighbours for the disruption caused ,but im scared il lose my house as its happened before.im normally happy go lucky apart from bouts of very bad anxiety and depression which i am going thru now .i need to turn my life around but feel im banging my head in a brick wall. my brother died when i was 16 ,he was schizophrenic but wasnt violent and i saw things no 16 year old should see and i think i also suffer post traumatic stress syndrome too .my partner is very possessive and i dont go anywhere without him for 10 years .i wish i couls rewind to friday night to put it all right

I'm with you - Lo8282 - Sep 5th 2009

I understand the point of the last user about what difference does it make to write it but I think it does make a difference.  We are all in the same boat and things like this can't be discussed with just anyone.  I think it helps to open up with one another.

I have battled undiagnosed depression for almost ten years now.  In my family you don't go to the doctor and you don't talk about it and in my profession this is a black mark.  Plus, when I'm not depressed I don't think I need help and when I am depressed they're doesn't seem to be any help available.  I called a hotline one time when it was really bad and they took a message and never got back to me.  So much for medical help, lmao.

I spent most of my college years in a major depression.  I had a great group of friends but I pushed everyone away, never slept, never left my dormroom, gained fifty pounds. 

I was doing really well in managing for the last five years up until about two months ago when slam, I was hit again with a major episode.  I tried to tell people about it and they were over-the-top, they threatened me with commitment rather than listening.  My mom says, "suck it up, your life is better than a lot of people".  And I know thats true so couple guilt with depression, its a winning combo.  

I have written two suicide letters in my life.  I drive over a bridge everyday and I don't think there is one day when I haven't thought about it.  Theres a part of me that is certain I will never do it but another part thats not so sure.  I really don't worry about that though, if I do it, I won't really care in the end.

So, here I am again, pushing everyone away, spending hours locked away in my house and head.  I have no interest in doing anything or seeing anyone.  I know the ways out of the depression but aah who feels like bothering with it.  The funny part is from the outside, no one knows it.  I wear my mask very well and I am thankful that I can force myself to go to work everyday;  I know some people aren't that lucky.

Anyway, I know no one wants to hear it and it sounds like a "woe is me" attitude.  It was just nice to write it and get it out.  Good luck to everyone.

well that was pulling the punches.. - alana - Sep 5th 2009

Ha ha - actually 90% you say is right on - true...only problem is when you don't care if you croak off...I don't care if I die, for example, but greatly fear to live maimed...so I just can't eat a bullet..I have been over and under medicated, can't get any help-ran out of effexor when I switched provinces and just had to do the straight withdrawal (embrace the tingle-twitchy thing).Doc here says I'm fine...now I'm just a high functioning nut..funny how I'm babysitting everyone's kids , but I'm a gentle soul  I only self-injure , as I have a horror of hurting children after my own childhood of being beaten, locked in car trunks, closets etc.  I think children instinctively seek me out - as I understand how nice it is to just be loved and have a meal and be told to wear your mittens when it's cold.  If only the parents knew what an effort it takes for me every day, they would be concerned, I certainly wouldn't let my kids hang out with anyone else as troubled as me!  But apparently if you know you're nuts, then you are ok-right?...  also, the kids are starting to tease me about  my pacing patterns, muttering spirit buddies,not keeping up my appearance and staying up all night....all in all we're good, but couldn't things be a bit better than this? I mean I make cookies and play dough and do art and crafts and the house doesn't reek,  but...Just sayin' ..where does one go to get help before they are ready for the padded cell?

solutions - - Sep 3rd 2009

I could write a synopsis of my experience to "qualify" me, but what good does that do and to whom? 

And in the end, who f*cking cares?  In the end, we all just do the best we can with what we're given.  We do our best to overcome the thousand faces of pain we walk through.

Here's my best to you my beloved - those of you who know my pain - here are my solutions:

Spirituality:   "F*ck it"  God is bigger - She can handle it.  She will respect you for telling the truth.

Physical:  "F*ck it"  Teach yourself how to ride a motorcycle.  Go skydiving.  Scuba diving.  You know what you want to do with your body - F*CKING DO IT.

Mental:  "F*ck it"  Dance at 3am with the music so loud you could feel the rhythm if you were deaf.  EVERYONE is mentally ill.  It's just society's current accepted description that you judge your so-called reality by.  And that's a bunch of crap - test: who will give a f*ck in 10,000 years from now?

Family: "F*ck it" Guilt is useless. 

Financial: "F*ck it"  All you need is the motorcycle and the stereo system.

Volitional: "Fuck it" And then f*ck it again because the very idea of will is ludicrious.

Emotional:  "Fuck this one most of all."  When you have a feeling - and you become conscious of having that feeling - and that feeling sucks - F*CK IT - let it the f*ck go.  Don't eat it or think about it or feed it - go for a ride and dance and do whatever you love and EAT WHAT YOU LOVE - TURN YOUR BACK ON THE OTHER SHIT.

You have this one life my friends.  Don't waste it on trying to change your mental condition, taking meds, exercise, eating health food, psychiatrists and counselors and medical doctors and eastern medicine and western medicine and all the mountains of phenomenal bullshit.

Just LIVE.  And if you decide you don't want to - then kill yourself with a single bullet in the brain and do it way the f*ck out in the country where EMT can't get to you - because failing suicide is just insult on injury. 

SUMMARY:  Enjoy the piss out of your life or stop living it - unless you are some kind of guru and you're living with the intent of helping others such that you enjoy your self-righteousness subconsciously - if you're that f*cked up - you enjoy the piss out of that.

My Life sucks!!! - Kayla - Aug 29th 2009

I keep wanting to believe that there is nothing wrong with me but the more I think about it I know there is. It's not like I don't want to be happy cause I really do want to be happy I just can't be. Even on the days i feel really good something will happen (whether something goes wrong or I "think" something is wrong) and BAM I'm wanting to crawl in a hole and die somewhere. I have given up hope. I've always felt like like I do now...just here lately it's been really bad and i don't know why. I have given up on friends, i quit my job, i mistreat my family, and I moved out of my apartment with my boyfriend. I want to be alone all the time and I will cause arguments and fights till i make everyone mad around me. I know that is not normal and because of my actions I am alone. MY LIFE SUCKS!!!!! I have given up. I think the only reason I'm still here(with my major depression) because I DO believe in God and if I end my pain i will burn in hell forever and ever. Sometimes though I think it wouldn't be so bad since i am already living there.

Conclusion: Since i know myself.. i know i will never harm myself to the point of death and i will in fact live with what ever it is i am suffering from and try to live a half way normal life. Although i push everyone one in my life away i still have some people in my life that wont allow me to do so. I love them for that!!! Good luck to everyone else that feels like i do and don't give up.

this disease makes me angry - - Aug 21st 2009

^&*k this disease.  I'm gonna beat it.  The only things that help me is: exercise, meds and being cognitive about the dreaded D.  I realize that the horrendous thoughts in my head are all lies.  All that negative shit that spews out at us are LIES.  Does this make the depression go away: no, but at least it slows me down and makes me realize that my thinking is not real.  I have been depressed for all of my 40 years.  I was an uber sensitive child, If anything bad happened to me I wouldn't know how to handle it.  Example: If i saw a stray dog on the street I would sob and cry until i made myself sick.  My mom was abusive she was not having that p*&&y shit.  So by the time I was a teenager I was pretty numb but sad.  I finally realized at the age of 36 that something was dreadfully wrong.  People lie when they tell you it gets better.  When you are young you believe it.  Well at 36 I discovered that, that was BS.  You wouldn't BELIEVE what they make you do when you are chronically depressed--- I didn't have insurance so i had to pay out of pocket.  One therapist told me that it would be 160.00 an hour to see him.  I told him I'd rather be crazy and i heard him chuckle on the phone.  Folks we are pretty much on our own. 3 years later I found a good therapist  I have been on Effoxor for about 2 years it took a long time to get the dosage right.  But of course, Life gets in the way-- It doesn't care if you are depressed or not.  My mother passed away 6 weeks ago.  Even though she was abusive to me and my brothers in the past, we began to heal our relationship as best as we could.  Her death ignited a black, pithy hole that i felt would swallow me whole.  If that wasn't enough my own son cursed me out and my aunt is trying to take all of my moms inheritence.  But what iam mad at the most is this F*&king disease.  I did all the things us depressive souls do-- stayed in bed allll day, barely ate, cried and looked on the net to figure out what would be the easiest most painless way to end it all. I becaome numb and didn't even bath (lord have mercy) 

Dont ask me how I know this but IF YOU COMMIT SUICIDE YOU BETTER BE READY TO WATCH WHAT IT DOES TO THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT.  Because on "the other side" you will see the aftermath of what you did.  Don't think I don't know the pain this ghastly disease causes.  It is pure agony.  But life is about learning and if you don't get through this you will have to learn it some other way and it may make depression look like a walk in the park.  I JUST KNOW THIS.  You have to try EVERYTHING- meds, exercise (which helps ALOT-- this from girl who can sit her ass on the couch ALL DAY.  I have to have my exercise fix at least everyother day)  god, ALAH who every even shock treatment (joke) before you give up.  You have to try EVERYTHING.

Seriously, I wish all of you who are suffering some relief.  Get mad at the bitch! don't let it ruin your life's lesson-- get even! try, and try and keep tryin'

wow people like me - Ko - Aug 20th 2009

its so nice to know im not the only one...........these days i try to separate thoughts from awareness, apparently thats what a spiritual experience is..............awareness WITHOUT thought.

Is there help anywhere? - Beesy - Aug 16th 2009

My husband, 68yrs old, and I have been married for 42 yrs and we decided to finally separate. When that happened & the economy get so bad (he was in real estate) he gradually went into a state of deep depression & is home with me. Now 2yrs later, 3 hospitalizations, 5 Pyschiatrists, Electric shock treatments, all different meds, he is negative about everything, never happy, severe hypochondriac, physically a shell of the active person he was. I have him going to a senior care center & therapist & pychiatist and also a at home nurse.  I now see a therapist to get through me days. There seems to be no professional that has been able  to help. What more can I do????

the mirrors reflects you - lee du ploy - Aug 16th 2009

Depression is one of the most debilitating problem,its seems  to creep slowly up on you and forces you to confront it; somehow I am told it more often that not ,it wins.

I have worked in Africa,Europe and now China the common denominator with deoression seems to be willing to confront the beast.There seem innitially some difficulty in accepting that it exists untill its often too late.

Treating it consquintly proves harder........here are a few possible steps which  I have foundto  help in some people.

First is to eliminate the obvious  negative influences;TV, the Radio and the media, all of whom conspire with their onslaught of laying on the negative news.In my opinion depressed people seem to react more dramatically to "day to day" events like bad news.

No one is saying this is easy but I have found if I can encourage them not to listen to the news and eliminate as much as possible negative input,this seems to help.

In addition Art as therapy, speaking without words have a dramatic impact.

Thus covering two bases.

Keep away as much as possible from negative input.

And do something, like painting, this in my opinion however simple seem to help.

I wish you all well, and can only say that "by the grace of of  God"

Help!!!! - - Aug 13th 2009

Depression definitly affects everyone in the family. I am taking care of my father and his girlfriend stay with me also. It is so hard i cant deal with it anymore. I have to get her some help or  give her a five day notice. I am trying to raise my family and the things she does and say are interfering with there upbringing. Her family does not want to have anything to do with her. She is also an alcoholic therefore its a double wammy.

i dont know what to do - david mccoy sr - Aug 1st 2009

yea i think that i have depression cause i have the same smytoms and its ruin everything i lost my wife and i dont want to lose my kids. i want help but i am afrid that if i get help i will not be able to be a dad and i want to see my kids do everything. that why havent admit my self. any advice

sources of 'depression' - Lee Ferrell - Jul 24th 2009

I worked with supposedly "depressed" young people for 23 years, and had huge success in using poetry to reveal stresses children have had to accept quietly to do what parental domination requires.  Such suppression of feelings can create an imbalance in essential neurotransmitters, and lead to behaviors which create more repression from authority figures. 

All kids I worked with improved dramatically not only with behaviors/feelings but also with academic work.  It was all based on trust, gentleness, tenderness, and nurture and sometimes certain specific medications were used to help along the process.  Caring nurture is essential to the development of a "healthy personality."  It is _never_ too late to offer this to a growing child.  I witnessed this approach creating what most called "miracles." 

Please do not give up. It is possible.  One offering of gentle nurturance can change everything.  John Bradshaw, well known psychologist in the 80's made this approach known to thousands/millions....  Corporations began to exert more influence on PBS programming at that time and his offerings no longer appeared. 

Peace and happiness!

LEE

some sort of depression - DR.T - Jul 24th 2009

Hi Nicole,

From what you wrote, you seem to be experiencing some sort of depression or at least you're showing signs of depression. You must seek help for your symptoms. You can always contact your primary care physician (PCP) or seek a psychotherapist to speak with. You can find one at www.psychologytoday.com, scroll down the page and there you'll see "find a therapist" link.

     The upset stomach sounds like anxiety. Believe it or not, but I too use to have the same symptoms every morning waking to go to class. It would happen at the sound of my alarm clock! I was "conditioned" to feel the anxiety associated with getting through my day each time the alarm would sound. But I found ways to reverse that "conditioned" response. Perhaps you can too!

One good way is to use a form of meditation. You do not have to know how to do this right. There is no right or wrong way. All you have to do, maybe before bed or after waking, is sit quietly with your eyes closed, taking deep breaths. You can say quietly to yourself "today is going to be okay, I will get through it just fine." Or use any type of encouragement for yourself: The Lords Prayer, an inspirational message or song, purchase a meditation DVD or CD, or think on something good through imagery like a sunset or an ocean.

Try yoga daily. Stretching is a great release for stress (maybe after waking or before bed). The more you do it, the better you'll feel. Drink warm milk, have a banana or turkey wrap, and/or take a warm shower or bath before bed. Eating something small and healthy before bed, can give you a good night sleep and perhaps a good waking experience. Treat yourself is what I'm saying. This should reduce anxiety.

Additionally, did you know that drinking can only further your negative feelings? It may make you feel okay initially, because the depressed effects it has on the central nervous sytem causes you to feel "out of touch" with your surroundings, but it later can make you feel very bad. It only produces more feelings of negativity. Drinking is not the answer for anyone! I would encourage you to avoid alcohol when you're feeling depressed.

     Have you ever thought of seeking spiritual guidance from a local pastor, theologian, or inspirational leader? Many can offer you great support, especially emotional support. Psychotherapy with someone who believes in incorporating a spiritual component may be helpful to you. You may be interested in a set of CD's titled: Creating calm in your life: a guided meditation and stress reduction CD by Rivka Simmons. This may also give you some encouragement:

http://www.intouch.org/site/apps/nlnet/content2.aspx?c=cnKBIPNuEoG&b=4943945&content_id={98EC1DEF-CCED-4D35-A494-2578A1C090DE}&notoc=1 

or

http://www.intouch.org/site/c.cnKBIPNuEoG/b.4944627/k.9C84/Faith_Foundations.htm

There are times in life when we indeed just feel like crying. It doesn't make you any less of a person. It just makes you HUMAN and a HUMAN BEING who FEELS. If these feelings are interfering with your everyday life and your ability to function as you should, however, you should definitely seek treatment.

I wish you well

What is wrong with me? - Nicole - Jul 24th 2009

I have been up and down since i was young. My stomach would hurt every night knowing i had to go to school in the morning. At 21 it has become worse, I just want to be alone all the time, i have cut off all my friends, i have severe mood swings causing me to become angry and i never really know why. I either eat too much or nothing at all. I have paranoia and believe everyone has alterior motives for being around me. Also, I feel like i am constantly ill and fear that i have diseases and serious health problems. My moods are either really low or neutral at best. When I drink, it becomes excessive then i stop for months (binge drinking basically). i just feel like crying...

Help Available - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Jul 20th 2009

In reading the last several messages posted here I became aware that there are some basic misunderstandings about the various depressions and the help that is available.

Today, more than ever before, there is real help available even for the most difficult of depressions. Treatment varies from various medications, such as anti depressants to mood stabilizers, cognitive behavioral therapies, and, in the very  most severe and stubborn cases, a brain implant that stimulates the part of the brain where the center of the symptoms lies. This last is still experimental for depression.

In no way do the medications cause people to become "zombies" as Shaun seems to fear, nor is there any reason to resort to suicide. Not today, not when modern treatments give people their lives back and when there are new and exciting developments in the field.

Seek help for your depression, regardless what type it is.

Dr. Schwartz

To Aquaroach - Elisha - Jul 19th 2009

I think that you are a very strong person. To go through depression without a single person that you can talk to must be very difficult. I was very lucky to find a therapist who seems to understand and is very supportive I would hope that you could to before your depression takes you too much deeper. Best of luck to you.

response to i dont get it - elisha - Jul 19th 2009

I do hope that you get this message. First of all I found your comments to be very hurtful. I realize that perhaps your husband had depression and perhaps refused to seek treatment I do not know the whole situation so I will no longer comment on that. What I do know is that I am a very selfless person and I would do anything that I could to help someone so for you to say that we are selfish is not an accurate comment. Do you think that we are trying to torture our spouses or do you think that maybe we are just that insecure that it consumes our lives such as it does mine. As for your last group of comments I am not quite sure what type of message you are trying to get across so if you do happen to come on this site again you could be so kind as to explain that to me. Thank you.

How i did my day 2 - Chen dadajiji - Jul 18th 2009

Eventually, i know someday i will commit suicide again. I am expecting it maximum 3 years from now. Since i am a father of 2 wonderful sons, i made sure i have saved and prepared the future of my two boys. I started a small business and now is expanding for another 1. I dont want to become a burden, i know one day they will notice how different i am, and it will affect my family life.

I know nobody will understand me, except you. We are all having this pain. God knows how much i love Him and my family, but this is a curse to me.

I dont know how i got it, why i have it, and how to end it. At the right time, when all i planned is prepared, i will  have to rest. I dont want to become old with this illness.

It is frustrating - Shaun - Jun 29th 2009

I do agree that some people come on here to cry. And believe me, I do feel your pain. I am on the verge of going into a doctor and get on meds and become a zombie. Least the mood swings from bi-polar would be less dramatic. I have lost lots of friends becuz of the bipolar. For those that don't have it, you really can't understand. People with bipolar seem to be mad at the world and mad at their loved ones, when really they are mad at themselves for knowing they arent "right" and they cant fully provide for their loved ones.

But I have to be honest. I have been struggling with this for my whole life,(and im 30) and it only recently occurred to me that faith is what everybody is crying for. Not to sound preachy or anything, but asking for forgiveness and living the right life does help a lot. The pain is real, and sometimes while praying for others and myself i will wake from prayer in shutter desperation, the hopeless feeling of...been here before and the pain still exists.

Talking is the best medicine, but talking to the right people is the key. I have talked my friends out of a friendship becuz of this. People that don't understand just dont understand, and therefore can't help. They hold on as much as they can and than they just give up.. It is self indulgant, but it is a mindset that can not be shaken... But there is hope for all out there who are struggling with this. Just keep the faith and never give up on yourself. Do what you have to do, but dont ever give up!!!!!!!!

depression is back in taking control - mary jane - Jun 27th 2009

Depression is back in control of my life.  It was influenced by others treating me badly though.  It really is saddening because I had recently just started to feel a little happier and optimistic and then some does something messed up to me and now I have hit rock bottom.   I woke up today wishing I was dead, and I really do not feel like moving on with my life.  I try to be a good person and it just always back fires on me.  Why do I feel like I will never be loved and treated right by anyone?  I keep on getting treated poorly and this time it really messed me up.  I can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel.   Everything now seems hopeless, and I have no one to turn to.   I just do not care about this living process anymore.  It is just endless punishment.  I want to find peace, happiness, excitement, and gratitude again.   Last time I was in a deep depression I was able to find a way out but this time feels much different and heavier than the last time.   It is much more painful to point that I would rather have to deal with physical pain, at least I will know that I will heal from that, but this I do not see myself recovering from.  I just do not know what to do with myself at this point. 

someone please help my husband he's gone crazy!!!! - Rachel - Jun 19th 2009

hello my name is rachel and me and my husband jay used to have lots of fun together but then something bad happened our daughter died of sids and we sepperated because of it but about 2 months later got back together and everything was fine until i got pregnant again only 4 months after her death i was scared and still am but i put her in her place so i would be able to raise another child but jay has become a monster he was fine for the first 6 months but turned he would yell at my and say that he wanted to get a devorice and that our baby wasnt his and he wanted nothing to do with her for 2 weeks i put up with it non stop and went into premature labor he then told me that i should give her up while she is in a hospital fighting for her life i refused to give up my new daughter and went to be with her 2 hrs away from home while he stayed at home and did nothing he doesnt work he sleeps all day and he wont talk to anyone in his family but his mother and they are a very close family he ssaid that he want a dna test i said fine and asked what he was going to do when the test said that she is yours and he told me that he was going to kill himself and told me 3 different ways he would do it i dont want him to die i just want him to be the dad he used to be and be there for his daughter so please if you have any advice i would be very greatful to hear it.

How childhood pain feeds into our adulthood - Linda - Jun 18th 2009

I have a major reocurring major depression diagnosis along with PTSD and dissociative disorder all stemming directly from the 18 years of severe abuse I suffered as a child.  I would like to invite anyone interested to visit my blog, Stop the Storm, at http://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/ because it would make me happiest to know that something I might be able to say might help someone else heal even a little bit more from whatever it is that might ail them.

dealing with depression - MJ - Jun 17th 2009

I had written a comment on this site a couple of months ago when I had fallen into a deep depressed state.  I am getting better now and have discovered some ways to manipulate my moods.  It can be hard to change the way I think sometimes because I think pessimistically most of the time.  The thing is to try to be more optimistic thinking.  I tend see the flaws rather than the good side of things.   I now realize that just seeing the flaws is not helping me or anyone else in my life.  I decided I needed to try to be more sincere and instead of wanting to change, I am just getting off my butt and doing it.  Another thing is do not isolate yourself.  It really does just make things much worse.  It’s like leaving yourself in the depths of your own dark prison cell.  It is important to speak how feel and not just keep it locked up inside.  Talk to your friends, spouses, or family members.  If you feel like they will not want to hear from you then talk to someone in a chat room or some other website like myspace or facebook.   Try to get yourself up to go out and do something.  Go see a comedy movie or something that will make you laugh.  The phrase “laughter is the best medicine” is actually true because laughter releases feel good chemicals into the body and it does lighten up the mood.  Don’t give up on life just yet.  There really is much more to learn about out there.  Life has its woes but it also has its good times too. 

no help - chris - Jun 10th 2009

hi, reading through the comments on here has brought me to tears. so basically there is no help and we are all just left to rot. it makes my blood boil. any other disorder and help is at hand. if there is one thing that will get me out of this slump it will be to get out there and kick some arse so we the depressed can have some kind of hope. maybe it's the apathy we have is the reason as we are the only group that will not have the will to help ourselves. it's a shit situation,i would lterally give up my right arm to be rid of these demons.

Re-Below - Karen - Jun 2nd 2009

This is for "I don't get it"- I see where your coming from, being in a marriage that long with someone who has sucked the life out of you, I've been there and believe me, you have probably made the right decision in leaving-it's not your job to fix someone else, you have your own life.  And you are right, you don't get it. If you have never suffered from depression, you never will.  It is an illness that is caused by a deeply scarring event, or a chemical imbalance in your brain-people can't help that and believe me, no one chooses to be depressed! some of you do sound a little "woe is me, life's soooooo mean" however. I really do understand how you feel-i too suffered from quite severe depression for nearly fourteen years and tried to kill myself twice as it was awful. You will get through it though, i found studying psychology as a hobby helped me to learn more about it and understand what I can do to help myself. Don't be self indulgent, exercise, go out on dates, do stuff you love, be around your family and friends, treat yourself, go on a trip or a holiday, never be alone. And most importantly, go to your doctor and get the proper medication to help you, see a counsellor, or confide in a friend. Talking helps and so do a crap load of prozac!good luck

I don't get it - - May 28th 2009

I came across this site to print out some information for my husband to get the help he needs.  I can't do it for him any longer because I am leaving him.  20 years of marriage and if I have to live through another episode I may not make it myself.  Every trip ruined, we can't make any plans to do anything because I never know which person is going to be around.

I don't get it.  I am sorry for those of you who experience physical symptoms but most of you sound obsessed with yourselves.   Ever tried any selfless behavior?  Ever tried to help a sranger just because, without any benefit to yourself?  It actually fuels you and makes you feel good.  Exercise, volunteer, do something meaningful and for God's sake give your loved ones a break from your self indulgence.  We are tired of convincing you that we love you and your life is beautiful -exactly the way that it is.  You all chose to be here, the unpredictability of life was part of the package that you chose.  Why did you choose life in the first place?  There had to have been a reason.

All I wana do is fall to sleep - - May 25th 2009

All I wana do is fall to sleep and dream for the rest of my life but i can't so I want to kill my self. I'm so fed up with this world. they fighting voilence racist critisims. Every thing i every liked is fading away I'v grone to live only to go to heaven I have no care what hapens to me now. or if people care if I do i just Don't care eney more i'v tried killing my self but i can't And the people who push me off the edges i just wana get a knife kill them and others then my self. life is to boring and frustraited I pray to god every night let me die. But nuthing good ever hapins I'm so sick of it. i dreamd of dieng every night difrent ways difrent endings over and over till i wake up some times. wat depresiion am I in and how do i get out.

Pain that no one knows. - AquaRoach - May 21st 2009

I've been lonely for countless years. It's not an exaggeration, I litterly talk to zero, ZERO people. I've been down for months, and no one understands me or even know that I'm alive.

 I had a girlfriend, well at least I think, and she left for a couple of months. I went though so much shit, she did too. But she changed. I loved her, and I still do, but she says she doesn't love me anymore. My whole life revolved around her, and now shes gone. All I think of is suicide, the one person who saved me, my angel, is gone now.

 I've talked to shrinks and priests, called hot lines and emailed the samaritans but no one can help me. I'm so stuck and I don't see any solution. I've prayed so much, I'd give it all away for her to just say she loves me again. She understood me, the only person ever.

I know how you all feel - - May 21st 2009

My concern here is you all need some answers and guidance in your life, and there is no body answering your calls for help here.Is there not a moderator or some kind of theripest to help here. I would tell you about myself but I see it is all ready posted all over this form. Been suffering over 40 years now and drugs yeas work for awhile then stop. If we could just talk I would send you my email adress.

I know the pain too - Brad G. - May 20th 2009

This is my first comment. I too know the pain of clinical depression. I have been diagnosed with unipolar. The emotional pain can be unbearable. Almost worse than physical. I lost a sibling 29 years ago in a car wreck. He was 18 and I was 14. That event has caused me tremendous emotional harm. I am so scared that I have serious emotional issues that I will never resolve. I am currently on Prozac and waiting for relief. My thoughts are with all of the others who are hurting. We deserved better than this

How i did my day - Chen dadajiji - May 14th 2009

I am the same as all of you guys. I have done 2 suicides already, first 1 was 7 years old and the next when i was 13. Now I am 34 and still the thought comes everyday.

 Until now, i am still the same. Nobody can notice it in me. You know why because i have found a cure how to live like normal people. Everyday i have a poison secretly on my side, nobody knows, and on the regular places i go, i have some poison also hidden there.

It ease me, to think that everytime i need it, i have it. Everybody sees me as a good person, nobody knows what is really inside of me. I just made sure that anytime it would be my last day and i want to be remmebered as a good man, thats why i am hardworking and living a prayerful life.

I prayed so much that if i will have to commit 1 sin, it would be suicide.

I dont know if this helps you. But on me, it works. Anytime and anyplace somebody needs my help even if it cost my life, (like rescue somebody inside a burning building where nobody can enter) i am just here available. Now im functioning better, i made this positive even though i am negative. Nobody knows except me and God.

Seems like there is no escape! - Brad - May 13th 2009

Today is another day, just like all others, wake up, throw up, my physical pains are so bad that I believe that the doctors have missed something huge and I am being consumed by pain, has anyone ever delt with this much pain from depression!!!! I try to have a positive attitude, but it is always the same outcome. I am taking 8 pain killers a day that just takes the edge of the pain away, but everyday more problems are attacking me, I keep going to the doctor and they tell me there is nothing more they can do for me, that really sucks, where do I go now? I totally believe in Jesus Christ, and do have a personal relationship with him, pray every hour or minute, but everything keeps getting worse, I am fighting for my life, but  I am losing the battle, I have been going through this for a long time, I am a very strong person but I am at a point that all hope is lost, this merry go round ride has got to stop, I am so very tired of the same ride. does anyone have any insight about all this pain, Thank you to Maryanne, and anyone eles who has sent comments.

survive this illness that plagues us all - Pedad's Girl - May 12th 2009

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I also am bipolar manic depressive.  It is a hard long road but if you take the time to help yourself and find a good counselor and doctor that won't just drug you into a coma you can survive this disease.  Just always remember that there is always someone out there somewhere that thinks of you every day whether you know it or not.  My brother and I weren't close and he commited suicide four years ago.  I was devastated.  I am the suicidal one in the family and they are what keep me here.  I also have a daughter that I refuse to leave alone in this crazy world that we live in.  Never give up faith and always remember that you are loved and would cause so much pain to friends and family if you were to leave us.  I may not know you but I do care and the things that I read in this forum sadden me greatly and I pray for all to be strong and safe and to survive this illness that plagues us all.  To all I send out a prayer and god bless all.

depression or bipolor? - Erika k - May 5th 2009

My boyfriend has been dieanosed with depression but i think it is biopolor myself he has been on depression meds for a 3 weeks and they dont seem to be working. and i think he needs to be redianoesed. thanks for the comments made 

Brad - - Mary Ann - May 5th 2009

I know how badly you feel because I am there as well.  I couldn't get out of bed this morning, but finally did, and am trying to find a way to help myself.  I am going to start taking vitamins because I'm not eating right.  Vitamin D seems to be a good one to take.  I live alone, have a 25 year old son as well, and have been divorced for 22 years.  At times I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up, but that is not what my fate is today. If you haven't seen a professional, make that your first priority.  If you have and are not making any progress, consider changing to someone else. You will make it through this!!!!  We all will.  We can't give up.

Am I depressed?? What can I do about it? - Tina - May 3rd 2009

I think I need help and I am not sure whether I am depressed or not. I'm 19 years old and I have done very well at school and I am at uni now, but I have always struggled with having relationships with people. I was educated in a private school and never felt like I belonged.  When I went to uni I became very close with this girl and we practically used to do things together. After about 4 months I felt like I put so much effort in the friendship as I was always ringing her, texting her and going to see her. I expressed how unhappy I was with things and she apologised and said sorry for taking you for granted. That's not how I felt, I just wanted to mould the friendship. I've tried talking to her and we spent 3 hours talking but she said things would never be the same. We don't even talk now and I just feel very unhappy and I just find myself crying half the tym for no reason. I can't concentrate and it is almost 3 months since it happened. She was one person that I was actually very close to at any point in my life. I can't concentrate and I feel unloved and lonely. I feel like no one understands me. People always say you are a lovely person, cheerful smile and a blessing but i dont feel the same inside. Am I depressed?

Reply To Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Chelsea - May 3rd 2009

Thankyou for the advice, I'm actually touched that someone would even bother to reply to me.

brad - - May 2nd 2009

Stay strong Brad.  Just keep thinking about your daughter and how much you care for her.  I too have been struggling with my depression for most of my life.  What has held me back from committing suicide is how badly I know it would hurt others.  I am sure your daughter would be extremely sad and scarred for life if you were to leave her like that.  Try getting healthy again and find a caring therapist.  I am also finding out how difficult it is to talk to peers about my depression, since they do not understand what all of us are going through.  There are online chat rooms, and groups that talk about their depression and support one another.  It is a lot easier talking to someone who knows what you are going through.  Find group support.  

What to do? - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - May 2nd 2009

Dear Chelsea,

Your mother does not understand the very serious nature of what you are telling her. So, what I suggest you do is to start with your school guidance counselor to whom you must tell everything, including the depression, self harm and, i bet, suicidal thoughts. Tell the counselor that you want and need help. The counselor should take it from there and do what is necessary to get you some real help.

Dr. Schwartz

Am I Unipolar? - Chelsea - May 2nd 2009

I feel depressed and lonely most of the time. I'm very anxious and paranoid too. I tried talking to my Mother about this but she just dismissed it as 'teenage moodiness' because i'm only 15. What she doesn't know is that I cry most days and I self harm frequently. Also (I don't know if this is relivant), I am very obsessive about neatness and when I'm very depressed I have been known to spend hours redoing simple things until they are completely perfect. For example, yesterday in French, I spelled one word wrong in my book and completely lost it. I re-wrote my entire book and then tore up the old book into what must have been over a thousand pieces so that no one would know that I had made a mistake.

life is so short - brad - May 2nd 2009

just trying to reach out for the last time,depression hurt's so bad I don't think it can be measured, how doe's one keep going!

Massive depression-unbelievable PAIN!!!!!!!!! - Brad - May 2nd 2009

My life seems to be coming to an end, I live in so much pain that it has become unbearable. My wife left 10 years ago, I Love her still till today, I have tryed everything to get her back, but she refuse's to reoncile. We are still married 27 years, she refuse's to understand depression, tells me just to get on with my life,end of story! I have two children,my son 25 who is married with a son, he is young and also doe's not understand about depression, he just listen's to mom, and his life is out of control, anger problems. I have the greatest 11 yr old, carley, she is a angel, the perfect little girl. I have pretty much just living for her, she is my whole world,I breath just for her. And then there is my mom, another angel, her prayer's and friendship have got me this far, The pysical pain that I endure each day is beyond what I can handle anymore! My dad also doe's not understand my depression, he is consumed by all his cars and himself, tells me just go to work,put money in your pocket and everything will be ok, I really just want to cry. which I am doing most of the time anyway. I feel so empty, all I think about is making this pain STOP!!!!  I tryied to take my life 2001 ney years day,took 10,000 mil norco,drank a bottle of teqilla, then hung myself, my son found me,woke up 1 month later after being in a coma, stunned the doctors that I survived. I have tried all medications, went through hospital programs a couple of time's, had a great counsler, but nothing help's, All the joy is gone, there is nothing left but this broken 47 yr old man,If someone could understand that I'm being ripped in half,Iam trying to stay for my daughter,yet I have to die to make the pain STOP! I have been told by everyone I know I am the nicest guy, alway's helping other's, love life,but cannot help myself! I am so tired!!!!!!!! I pretty much know this is the end,I feel 100 times worse than I did in 2001,I have lost all, my will is done!I have no more fight left!  I don't know if anyone will even read this,or if I will even be here to get a reply, I don't look as god let me down, for I have let the Lord down, may the Lord forgive me, and other's like me. Peace out!

Don't know what to do - Joe - May 1st 2009

Yesterday was my worst day of my life for several day I had thought about taking my live but I never got so close to it until yesterday am a us soldier that don’t really have purpose in life anymore I don’t have a reason to keep going . My family is gone wife and my two lil girlsi did this to my self and maybe yeah am crazy am maybe yeah, I have PTSD and maybe Hell yeah I have a stress disorder all I know is that I can’t sleep at night all I do is just drink and smoke yesterday my brother-in-law call  and he star telling me how bad he was doing and for some reason he asked me if I was ok I couldn’t hold it and I start crying just like a lil 2 year old I told him to take care of my family and that everything I did it was for a reason, I love my family yeah maybe am not the best person here in the word and yeah maybe I have problems just like anyone out there, but I love my family and if I don’t have them I don’t want to be here.

depression hurts - Angie - Apr 28th 2009

wow i never knew their was so many depressed people in this world! i also suffer from depression basically my whole life has been a total nightmare and i also have tried many medications that mever work does any-1 know of something that actually works? write back let me know thanks

Please seek help YOU'RE NOT ALONE! - Andrea - Apr 27th 2009

Hi Mary Jane my name is Andrea and I'm 24 years old. I also suffer from depression. It's been almost two years and I still have a hard time coping with it. But I suggest that you get help wether it be medication or a therapist. They do help it will only get worse. I'm on two antidepressants and they help me cope with the sadness that's in my head. I tried to kill myself multiple times. I had a plan too. It got so bad that in March of this year I spent 3 days in a psych ward. I felt nuts like my mind was gone. I was like OMG what's wrong with me? Why is this happening? The thing is we have an illness there's no cure for it but there is help avaliable. Please seek help. You don't want to hurt yourself. I know how you feel waking up everyday feeling hopeless and worthless and unloved by anyone. I'm still struggling with my depression some days are better than others. You just have to keep trying because it does get better. As for your friend don't listen to her/him they don't understand that our illness is in our head and we can't think about something else or snap out of it. There's help out there please seek it!!!!

Never feel happiness or excitement, depression is affecting my relationships - mary jane - Apr 24th 2009

I have experienced issues with depression since I was 9 years old, and am 20 now.  I think depression has affected my interaction skills with other people and I am more of an anti-social person.  I have never had very many friends, and I did not interact with other children well and have always been kind of a loner.  I started to have suicidal thoughts when I was 13, continued to have them throughout highschool, and now have been experiencing thoughts again over the past couple of months.  Depression seems to always be involved in my life, and I can’t remember the last time I felt the emotion of happiness.  I also do not get excited over things that used to be important to me.  I used to like to go out with friends, now all I want is to be left alone.  I feel as though I have to force myself and try to maintain friendships.  I have never been ever to get involved in a relationship, because I am just not an intimate person.  I do not believe in love and just see it as a fairy tale.  I do not think I will ever want to start a family.  I have lately also been easily frustrated and angered over minor things.  When I feel overwhelmed with these emotions I like to deal with it my punching things or digging my finger nails in my skin.  If my hand gets bruised I am usually proud with the results.  I have never had a close connection with any of my family members.  I have been raised by a tough love relationship with them.  They do not show me any respect.  I do not believe they will ever take my depression seriously unless they were to discover my dead body.  I have just recently came out to a close friend with my problems of depression, and all she told me to do was just not to think about it, and sort of brushed it aside.  I cannot think about it if it is always just there in my head.  I know that I should probably see a shrink, but I do not believe that any pill can solve this problem.  Drugs sometimes do not affect my body.  I have a good feeling that I will always experience depression.  I do not want it to affect me to where I lose my job, or to a point where I can not take care of myself anymore.  It’s like a never ending battle, a shadow that constantly tends to drift into my life.   

my cutting is so bad now - Bri - Apr 22nd 2009

I am 15 and at the end of January my boyfriend committed suicide. a week after I myself attempted suicide. I was hospitalized and then when realeased I had to stay at a children's hospital for a week. My life at home has never been good. And now with my boyfriend gone I have never felt so alone. I am on medication and have a therapist & pshyciatist. I cut myself all over my stomache & back. If I dont cut then I have an anxiety attack. I use anything i have when I feel the need to cut. so far I have used: knives, scissors, keys, tweezers, and my own fingernails. Not only do I cut myself, but i bite the inner part of my lips, tear at my gums, peel my lips, pull my eyelashes & hair, tear the skin by my nails off, and pinch myself just to name a few.I used to want a future for me but now all I want is to die. My cuts & behavior are getting so bad that my therapist is considering sending me back to the Childrens health hospital.Part of me wants to stop and have a good life but my cutting is so bad now that I completely zone out when i do and I cant stop myself.Iv never been so alone and yet I have all the help in the world.Sometimes I feel bad for being such a bother cause i need so much help. This makes me wanna die even more cause if i wasnt here then noone would have to deal with me.I feel like the only one who really loved me and wanted me here was my boyfriend. But now hes gone and theres no one who really loves me.I dont want sympathy. Im just tired of pain.I havent always been unhappy. I used to be the perky and bright and funny but now Im always thinkin about "what if I just die"

Waiting for Meds to Work - - Apr 20th 2009

i've been depressed since i was 10. i'm 29 now. i finally saw someone for the symptoms last fall, since then i've been hospitalized twice in two months. I was diagnosed with recurant major depression. I keep hearing  - wait for the meds to work - they never do. meds are supposed to stablize me, but i feel worse than ever. i wish i could catch a break. my life is marked by failure.

several of you are in far worse situations then myself - Jason - Apr 12th 2009

I've been searching Google for somewhere I could chat about what's been bothering me, while I didn't find what I was looking for which was I guess a chat room with some sort of professional but I think that finding this place was better.My depression can be so bad sometimes that I go to sleep praying not to wake up, while for various reasons I do not believe suicide is the answer I have been thinking about it very very often lately.I lost my job because of it, I smoke pot several times a day because of it, my family struggles so much with me trying so hard... just to bond with me because of it and I can not do it.  I dont even know why I sometimes think I've figured it out and maybe I have... but dont have the ability to act on what I need most to do because of how much it will upset me and those involved at the time.After reading several other's stories...  I want to apologize.  I have no place venting here because I see several of you are in far worse situations then myself.  I guess the reason I'm posting, is to try and offer help to you.  I have no credentials but I know how bad I feel... and think I would understand how bad some of you feel.I want to offer you hope, love, and compassion.  If you want to email me to talk, I encourage you to do so.  It seems the times in my life wCahere I remember being happy, I was always doing something for somebody who really needed it and with a world like ours where helping somebody else just without personal gain or an alterior motive is so rare... please dont hestitate.No one should feel this way, it is the most literal thing I could think of when I imagine the term 'hell on earth'Maybe the problem with all of us is we are separated from each other, and the reason we all feel this way is because we want to be united.  When people work together instead of against each other the true potential of humanity is seen.

Remember Hope - Jason - Apr 12th 2009

I've been searching Google for somewhere I could chat about what's been bothering me, while I didn't find what I was looking for which was I guess a chat room with some sort of professional but I think that finding this place was better.My depression can be so bad sometimes that I go to sleep praying not to wake up, while for various reasons I do not believe suicide is the answer I have been thinking about it very very often lately.I lost my job because of it, I smoke pot several times a day because of it, my family struggles so much with me trying so hard... just to bond with me because of it and I can not do it.  I dont even know why I sometimes think I've figured it out and maybe I have... but dont have the ability to act on what I need most to do because of how much it will upset me and those involved at the time.After reading several other's stories...  I want to apologize.  I have no place venting here because I see several of you are in far worse situations then myself.  I guess the reason I'm posting, is to try and offer help to you.  I have no credentials but I know how bad I feel... and think I would understand how bad some of you feel.I want to offer you hope, love, and compassion.  If you want to email me to talk, I encourage you to do so.  It seems the times in my life where I remember being happy, I was always doing something for somebody who really needed it and with a world like ours where helping somebody else just without personal gain or an alterior motive is so rare... please dont hestitate.No one should feel this way, it is the most literal thing I could think of when I imagine the term 'hell on earth'Maybe the problem with all of us is we are separated from each other, and the reason we all feel this way is because we want to be united.  When people work together instead of against each other the true potential of humanity is seen.

to christine - Judi - Apr 10th 2009

Hi Christine

I know how you feel. I have suffered from depression since early teens but did not have major depression adult well into adulthood. The medication can be confusing because it is not a cure that a lot of people think it is. The medication just dulls the depression and make like more managable on a day to day basis but the depression is still there. You can still feel it, live with it but it is a little easier to cover it up to others with the meds. I know psychiatrist might disagree with me about this but this is what I experience with them and I am on 2 different anti-depressants and almost max doasage. I tried to stop them once and ended up later in full blown major depression with panic attacks. 

I really lucked out with my psychologist. We are in tune with each other. I picked his name out of the phone book. I kept looking at his ad and was really drawn to his name and no one elses. I had tried Dr. suggested therapist but did not work out the same. 

I have not met a psychiatrist yet that I feel contected with or understands what I am going through. The last one thought the the pills should be working and everything should be fine now. At one point I felt so frustrated because I did not know how to explain to her what was wrong with me and started to cry so she asked me to leave her office and that she could not help me. 

If it was not for insurance purposes I would never go back to a psychiatrist as I don't think they understand depresssion and anxiety like psychotherapist do. To them it is all about medication and group therapy, which is the last thing I need.

Will I Ever Feel Better - Christine - Mar 21st 2009
I have suffered from anxiety, depression and panic disorder since I was not quite 20 years old.  I have been to so many therapists and psychiatrists I could even tell you how many.  I have been medicated with dozens of different meds through out the years.  I do fine for a period of time and then I hit bottom, not being able to work, face the world or be productive.  I am in one of my major down swings now and while I would never take my life; I must say sometimes I feel like a lot of people would be better off with out me.  When I am doing good I love my job, I get along with people and I am easy going & fun.  I have never been formally diagnosed as bi-polar but often wonder because of the cyclical highs and lows I have.  I feel as if I am sort of a manic.  Happy and sweet as can be sometimes and the next day miserable and bringing down the whole world around me... can anyone suggest any form of therapy to help other than meds; not that I am against meds; I am currently medicated and it doesn't seem to help.

48 years old but feeling 68... - - Mar 18th 2009

i am so tired. have nothing to look forward to except death.

i have an 18 year old son, and he's the only one that keeps me going,

What do i do??!! - Genny - Mar 16th 2009

Hi, im 18 and have been depressed from the age of 9, and its getting so bad i cant even function like a person should! I have a daughter that is 9 months old, and her father wants nothing to do with her, so its me and her. I have been thru basicly all types of abuse, and i have not talked to anyone about any of it. and i just cant take it anymore, its not just hurting me anymore, its hurting my daughter! My whole life i just didnt feel like anyone rly loved me... and i really cant take it anymore! I dont have money to see someone that can help me, and i was wondering if anyone could help me find help....

my mum has tryed sucide 8 times - kelly - Mar 14th 2009

my mum has tryed to kill herself her last attempt was only last week and she did almost die she ended up in ITU for 2 days and needed to be put on a machine that keepet her alive she was put on medicine to try and counteract the tablets thats she had took after one and half days she woke up and was moved to HDU where she stayed for another four days a doctor asked her if she had planed to kill herself she said yes she has just been moved down to a normal ward where she is so unhapy and she asked me to bring her home.

Before she is released she needs to talk to cpn about her problems.

They still don't now what kind of damage she has  done with the pill's she took over 200 tablets.

She see's a dr for her deprssion once ever three mths for half an hour which is not alot of time for somebody who has tryed sucide 10 times there is only so much i can do to help her i have my own family to look after now and i have tryed my best

The only question i have left now is how many times does somebody need to hurt themselves before somebody helps them does it take this wahat she has done??????????????????????????????

for every bad there has to be a good! - lolly - Mar 11th 2009

Hi. its so sad to read that so many people are suffering. I'm 17 and have suffered some kind of depression scince i was about 13. i have self harmed and taken 3 over doses. the most recent just over a week ago. professionals within the NHS are, sorry to say, quite useless. they just expect you to know all the answers, which if you knew you wouldnt be as low as you are. they dont try to get to know you and make you feel comfortable, how are you ment to open up to some one you dont know or trust???? I've found my community phyciatric nurse quite patronising, telling me if i dont take the tablets i've been prescribed nothing will get better! as alot of you may know anti=depressants are horrible to take and the side effects can be horrendous. and fancy telling some one your notgoing to get better with out drugs. Last night i thought to hell with it i'll try open up to my self, i wrote down what makes me angry, why am i so angry? what makes me tearful and sad? why do i feel like that realy? for every negetive thing i wrote i thought of a positve and if i couldnt i would wirte why not??? whats missing what can i do to help myself, easier said than done!! but slowly over a couple of hours every thing that has been wirling around my head, every thing i feel guilty about, every thing i feel angry and sad about, every thing i have tried to hide was there on the paper. now i feel like when i see my CPN again i can give her that and hopefuly it'll answer her questions. its so hard to get 'positive' i've had to give myself a hard kick into gear, i try and set myself goals for each day just simple things like, take the dog for a walk, attempt some sourse work, have a tidy up, things that most people just do with out thought, but the things that become so hard when you depressed. I'm also going to try : emotional freedom technique, wich is bsed on life coaching and massage seems abit far out, but i think it will help.

 You just have to find some inner stength and realy be honist with youself and identify the route course of your unhappiness, wether its one huge thing, or lots of little things that have built up, there is hope, if you cant tr writting things down, not to make them better but to idetify the prob and if you feel you can then professional help is a gd idea jst so that some one knows and may b they'll give you some useful info and help. please guys dont give up on yourselves. xx

HELP - Lisa - Mar 10th 2009

I am 44 and I am so unhappy.  I have a history of depression in my family and can't keep a job, I am having trouble with my memory, and just can't feel any hope.  I was on Cymbalta and then on Zoloft and both never changed my outlook on life.  I stopped taking the Zoloft and thought I was doing better but I still missed work, even though I thought it wasn't from depression because I didn't have that "thing"in the pit of my stomach anymore.  I am not lazy at all, when I do go to work, i give 110% and I loved my last job.  I do self-medicate with Tramadol, Klonopin, and take Ambian at night along with 2 or 3 tylenol pm's.  I know this is not good and I know I need to be on a anti-deppresant but I have no idea which one and I want to go to work everyday like everyone else.  Even my mom, who was very depressed and suicidal went to work.  She got up every day and went.  If I could at least do that, I think other things would fall into place.  When I am working, I only take 1 klonopin and 2 or 3 tramdol during the day but still....how can i love a job and then can't get up and go...please help, maybe some names of anti-deppresants that helped in this area would really be great.  By the way, my mother did have a chemical imbalance and self-medicated and both grandmothers, one had shock treatments way back when and the other apparently self medicated for awhile until my grandfather put a stop to it.  I could never tell you my life history cause that would way too much typing.  Right now I just want to be able to get a job and not lose it due to missing too much work.  My mother never missed work.  So if anyone knows of SOMETHING, then please give me a name because this is getting worse and this economy is not good.  Thanks

It feels good to read other people's comments and stories - alma - Feb 28th 2009

It feels good to read other people's comments and storie.  I myself have been coping with major depressive episodes on and off since I was about 17.  My mother is bipolar, so it seems I get it from her side of the family.  Besides dealing with my own problems; having worked only 12 out of the last 14 months because of this downward economy, losing my car, my apartment, and serious problems with my boyfriend who I was living with at the time I lost my apartment.... I also have to deal with my mother who is homeless at the moment and refuses to accept that she needs help....

My father recently divorced my mother and the rest of the family on my mothers side being anything but helpful, it is so hard to deal with all of this.  Everyone expects me to do something to help my mother when I can't even do anything to help myself.  It is so hard to put myself out there everyday trying to put some meaning in my life when I can't even find a job.  I am 27, college educated, and sleeping on my dad's couch.  I was pretty close to being suicidal a few months back.  If my boyfriend hadn't walked in on me I probably would have been in a hospital or in a grave.  And then having my mother come in every other week or so just to argue and stir up trouble is not easy either.

 I understand how some of you feel.  How it seems that the world is out to get you.  How angry you feel at the world, watching all the people around you live comfortably, get engaged, build lives for themselves and you're just at the bottom, not even being able to scrape out an existence for yourself.  When I was in college I was at least able to see the school therapist - now I can't even afford to go in for a check up....

3 WEEKS IN. - MIKEY - Feb 23rd 2009
THIS DISORDER IF I MAY, HAS JUST HIT TO THE HARDEST EXTENT. I SERCHED THE WORD DEPRETION AND FOUND THE WORD MAJOR DEPRETION,IN WITCH I STRONGLEY FEEL EXPLAINES WHAT IVE BEEN GOING THROUGHT. IM 32 YEARS OLD & ON MY 3rd WEEK KNOW AND WANT TO BELEIVE I CAN CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, BUT ALL IM DOOING IS IS MAKING MY SITUATION WORSE, AND GETS WORSE EACH DAY. KNOW IVE BEGUN HAVING SUICIDELE THOUGHTS I DONT GET THE SLEEP I SHOULD BE GETTING AND HAVE NO APPATITE, IVE BEEN BEATING MYSELF UP WITH HATETRIDE AND DONT DESIRE THE COMPUNEY OF OTHERS. IM VERRY CONFUSED AND ALONE, CAN I REVERS THIS OR AM I AT RISK OF BEENG A THREAT TO MY SELF?

Slowly Rebuilding - Lisbeth - Feb 21st 2009

I'm twenty five years old. When I was eighteen, I abruptly and suddenly developed severe depression, perhaps in part due to some very difficult life circumstances. This depression never left me. I tried different medications and counsellors and have a wonderful and fully supportive family who do their best to understand what I go through and to sympathize. School and working has been difficult, but along with my depression I also possess a very strong drive to succeed as I am afraid of failure and being judged as such and so I've kept pushing through in both areas. One person in this comments list talked about how she doesn't know who she would be without the depression. That's exactly how I felt. My identity and everything I thought I knew about myself - I was outgoing, talkative, intelligent, brash, witty, brave - had changed. I was withdrawn, silent, and always felt that I was being perpetually judged by the world around me. While I often wanted to be dead, I rarely thought of suicide because I know if I did it, my mother would certainly do it as well (she also suffers from depression) and I could never do that to my sisters. This past summer I went from my usual ongoing low level depression into an even darker place. I was beyond sadness, beyond depression, and into despair. My doctor referred me to a mental health organization in my town, as he years ago told me he didn't know what to do with me. Of course it took about three months for me to get in to see anyone and by that time I had begun clawing my way out and regaining my own form of normalcy - feeling worthless, etc. but at least not crying and sleeping all day. I saw a psychiatrist (I have three others previously) and he agreed I have severe major depression and switched up my medication. I also began counseling with a counsellor. Somehow over the last four months, I've been finding my old self again. I am still paranoid about being judged by other people, but I try to tell myself that I shouldn't care what they think anyway. I feel more confident and just more happy in general. I still have Bad Days (and we all know what those feel like) but they are less frequent and don't stretch out to weeks at a time. The point I'm trying to make is this: as dark as things may be and often are, if you can find the right kind of medication and the right kind of help, it is possible to feel better. That's all I really wanted to say. After six years I'd stopped believing it was possible. I thought that I was going to feel awful and worthless and useless forever. And that has finally changed. I'm fully aware that depression will probably come back sometime and drag me back down. But at least now I know I can make it out the other side. Please don't see this as one of those stupid "snap out of it" posts, and really please don't group this with those bloody "accept god and you'll feel better" posts. Just know that someone who was irrational, self harming, sleeping eighteen hours a day, paranoid, hallucinating, full of self hatred and self disgust, is somehow miraculously making her way out of it and finding herself again, and that means that maybe you can too.

Hi Julie ... keep swimming - A - Feb 17th 2009

I too, swim a lot at my gym. It has been one of the best things for my chemical and emotional balance. Keep swimming and doing anything else, that you find that helps you feel better.

I wish my ex, would have had any type of support at all from her family. She is alone now, again and I am in pain in my body and soul, after an abrupt and really bad breakup, from which I feel, that I cannot go back to her again.

You can do it, I see a lot of strength in you as well, as intelligence in the direction to go. Keep going ! Stay strong !

Wanted to share something with you, I hope it can be inspirational, it is for me, even though now, I am having a hard time, getting out of bed as well and I feel, I may have depression now, after dealing with my ex's episodes for such a long time, here it goes:

http://www.maniacworld.com/are-you-going-to-finish-strong.html

and yes, I do know, it has got to be horrible. I may be experiencing this condition now, after a long time of dealing with it, with my ex. Best of luck, to you.

Feeling hopeless - Julie - Feb 17th 2009

Hi,

I am trying to think of a reason to go on.  My boyfriend broke up with me after I  found out he was looking for someone else on the internet.  We dated for a year and a half.    Not only did he break up with me before I got the chance to break up with him, he got mad at me.  He has some nerve.   Ever since this happened last night we have been exchanging angry judgemental e-mails back and forth.  I suffer from severe major depression that is med resistant.  I have suffered from this depression and anxiety most of my life.  It has been a living hell.  My family does not call me anymore.  My sister whom I used to talk to every day does not call me anymore or have time for me anymore.  My parents don't call me.  My mother tries to be supportive when I call her.  My father is an alchoholic and not healthy so I try to avoid him.  Until this past year and a half my family has been there and been very supportive.  Now its like I don't even exist.  I also lost my best friend of five years because I didn't call her right back.  She started getting symptomatic and paranoid from her illness.  I try so hard to be a nice person and not offend people.  Until this happened she had always been there for me.   I thought she was the most wonderful person.  Then she wrote me this nasty letter with all these lies and accusations about me that weren't true.

My boyfriend who has a physical disability had the nerve to shove my depression in my face and tell me that I am feeling sorry for  myself and wasting my college degree.  He also told me that I should get a regular full time job and stop accepting financial help from my mother because she is not going to be around forever.  This comming from a guy who lives at home with his mother and father who shelter him and do everything for him.  He could never live on his own.  He has very little responsibility and practically none at home.  He doesn't pay bills.  He doesn't have his own bank account.  His mother cooks for him and does his laundry.  Why does he think he has the right to judge me.  My depression is a physical illness just like his.  I was born with a chemical imbalance.  It runs heavily on my mothers side of the family.  I have come so far in the past year.  I went from not being able to get out of bed to keeping a part time job for a year.  I teach swimming lessons at my gym.  I also swim 100 laps at least five days a week and competed in a mini triathlon.   I volunteer.  Despite this I am severly depressed.  I am 42 years old and have never been married and I don't have kids.  I will never have kids at this point and am smart enough not to with my illness, even though I am wonderful with the kids I teach.  I also have a college degree which my ex-boyfriend says I am wasting.   I don't think anyone can possibly understand the hell of clinical depression unless they experience it themselves. 

Relationships with anyone seem impossible.  I don't know how people can hide this illness from others re: the women that would disapear and go to the hospital and not tell her boyfriend.  The only personal relationships I have right now are with people from my support group who I find extremely difficult to deal with because of their illnesses.  I want to lead a life outside my mental illness.  I don't want to just be friends with people who are mentally ill.  I am so sick of people telling me that I am lazy.  Who would ask for this life.  Unlike people who are depressed and say they  have no reason to be.  People that have a great husband, great kids, a nice career, friends I don't have any of this and therefore have plenty of reason to be depressed.  Besides my chemical imbalance my biggest problem is dealing with other people and trying so hard to convince them that I do not choose to be this way.   I don't know what to do with all my anger and jealousy and hatred towards this disease and my self.   In many ways I find it much easier to be alone then to deal with others but yet I long to be a part of something and to connect with people.  As time goes on I feel farther and farther away and disconnected from the real world.   I have been so hurt and so abused in my life.  I am not feeling sorry for myself.  I am still a friendly person despite this but I have such a wall up. It is a living hell.  I am constantly monitering everything that comes out of my mouth so that I do not hurt anyone yet I will put myself down at the drop of a hat. 

I am so mad at my ex-boyfriend for all his harsh judgements against me and I am so mad at my family for abandoning me.  Unlike others who suffer from this disease I do not fly into rages, take drugs or take my crap out on others.  I take it all out on myself.  I am tired of feeling like a victim and being abused.  I am a very strong person.  I stuck it out at work despite my boss who yelled at me and was extremely judgemental. Now things are going well at work and my boss likes me.  In the beginning I had a problem getting to work and I think she held this against me.  She would yell at me for every little thing.  She does not know about my depression and I don't think she would care if I told her.  She just cares that I do a good job and show up when I am supposed to.   I am terrified that without the support of my ex-boyfriend that I will slide down hill again and not be able to get out of bed.  I do not want to burden anyone with my problems.  Unlike my ex-boyfriend who has alot of friends.  I do not have that many.   It is very difficult to have relationships with this illness. 

I am so angry that my life has turned out the way it has because I had so much potential.  I am extremely smart.  I am good looking. I am athletic. I have a college degree.  I don't know how to get rid of the emotional baggage and hurt.   I believe that if I was lucky enough to have a more supportive family then I could have had a far different life.  I have so much anger towards my parents.  They left me to rot in a psychiatric hospital where I was being physically and emotionally abused for the crime of having depression.  I do not know what I did to this day to deserve restraints, to deserve being locked up in a little room with padded walls and a small window for days at a time.  Despite that I went on to college and worked my whole life until I went on disability six years ago.  I was attempting to be a Network Engineer but got fired.  At that point I was tired of trying to work in the dysfunctional corporate world with this illness.  Instead of picking up the pieces and getting another job I became immobolized, losing my apartment and sinking into a severe depression.  I went from being a  network engineer to working as a cashier at Lowes.  With no money and nowhere to live I was forced to live in a supervised apartment where I had to deal with belittling social workers and nurses and people who were far sicker than me.  Sociopaths, etc.  My family could have realized I didn't belong there and take me in until I could get better or help me pay for my own place until I could get back on my feet.  My sister has alot of money.  I am so angry at them for not being there for me.  I am so angry that people who are far dumber than me and sicker than me have better lives.  My spirit has been broken. I am so damaged.  I had to live in that toxic environment for five years before i got my own apartment.  My sister told me that I should stop trying to blame people and places.  Lets see her try to live in the environment I had to for five years and deal with social workers who treated you like crap.  Who made you say the word purple whenever you thought you would get mad.  Who would not help you find other housing.  Who took your mail box key away because some sociopath said you were stealing her mail.  I could have avoided that five years with the proper help.  Instead of getting better I spent the whole time defending myself and speaking up for myself.  Enough of this crap.  I am more determined than ever to make it in this world but I should not have to live with this hell.  After I swim I feel good but I can't swim 24 hours a day and I can't stand comming down after I feel good.  I want to make choices in my life.  I want to love myself. I want to stop beating myself up.  I can't do this unless someone helps me with this horrible head of mine.  It is a living hell. 

I may have absorbed depression from ex gf - A - Feb 16th 2009

I posted a longer comment before and I don't know, why it has not posted yet.

I do understand how everyone feels with this, exercise, good food, maintaining occupied with work and/ or study and getting out and meeting with friends may help quite a bit, besides therapy and medication.

In my case, I am reaching out for help as well. My ex, battled depression for 4 years at a very major level. We started dating 4 years ago and I never knew she had this problem, she would dissapear for a while and I would not think much of it, when she felt better she would come back to me and we would continue our relationship. Last year 2008, right around my birthday, she decided that she wanted an "official" relationship, meaning more serious and closer. This is when I started discovering that she had been to the hospital. That she needed to take meds and helped her through on several episodes, since all of her family had abandoned her and do not talk to her, unless she calls. They have given up on her.

Well, it brought me down a lot of times, to be able to cheer her up for days, until she would get better. She was very loving to me and one of the best girls, I have seen on her good side. Yet sometimes, she would turn on me, it seems that she may have possibly had a split personality, slightly ... not sure if that would be a borderling disoerder ? Anyways, I realized that I was always there to help her, yet more then a few times, she just left me hanging, but would always seek for help.

This ended up in a really bad way, for my birthday. I simply went to visit her, wanting closure. Wanting to end this in person. She had requested to keep the relationship with me, yet was not seeing me much the last month. She would call me, begging me to see her, to talk to her, yet when I would call she would start venting on me, screaming, being extremely upset and cold. All this and then she would call the next day and apologize. 

Well, on Valentine's Day and my birthday, when I went to talk to her, to end this and also took her a few gifts to cheer her up ... she ended up storming out of the house, angry at me. Got into her car quickly and backed up hitting me on my knee with the bumpers of her car. At this point, I will never forget the crazy face she had ... how she was wanting to cry and stop, but something inside was not letting her ... she just left and hit me with her car. The worst part is that she had been in touch a lot with my mother. Had asked her to keep visiting her while "we" worked this out. My mother had asked me to please bring her along, in case she had an agressive reaction. Well, my mother ended up getting hit by the car as well, because she tried to push me out of the way.

Now, I am reading even more about psychology, I feel this has left a trauma on me now ... with women. I need to stay strong and remember, that I have had beautiful loving girlfriends in the past, who were very nice and nothing at all like this. I just feel that in the need to stay and try to fix her, I may have caused myself to get some kind of obsessive compulsive disorder in trying to fix her. I am also left with a huge depression, by this void. This is a relationship, that went through for 4 years. She always claimed that she loved me more then I loved her. That I was her "angel" and the best person she had met in her life. She did treat me good, but had these angry episodes. She also did have a "psychological" pregnancy twice, during the last year. Where she believed to be pregnant, her period delayed a lot and she would run to the bathroom and vomit, convinced that she was pregnant. I know that she did love me a lot, I do believe her, yet this other side, has caused such mixed feelings in my life, that it has left a huge void now in my heart, soul and psyche. This was a person, that was telling everyone, how much she loved me and calling me her "fiancee" or "husband". I felt like I was beginning to have a family with her at times and now it is all broken apart and like the worst nightmare I could have ever imagined. 

I have even lost my job at this point ... and well, may not even be able to pay my rent if I do not get something soon. All my friends, say that I am different. I am always the one to inspire friends, to be strong for them and give them good advice and lately I feel useless, powerless ... and hopeless.

A 

I need help - Cody - Feb 9th 2009

Hi, my name is Cody and I'm 22 years old. I have lost all interest in everything. I frankly don't care about anything and I see this in my daily life. It's not right. I have been an active musician for the passsed 12 years and at one point i was happy. Iwas living life and I loved. But now i havent even touched my instrument for 2 months. I don't see what the purpose is anymore. I feel nothing but sadness, regret, anger, and anxioty all the time. If anyone is out there please let me know what i can do to fix the problem so i can go on to live a happy fullfilled life.

To: Why should I hang around... - Jim - Feb 5th 2009

I am sure that many of us reading your comment can feel for you right now. I hope you have decided to continue living.

I'm glad you asked the question. I suggest that the next time you feel suicidal, you go to a priest or pastor and share many of the thoughts you have shared here. I did. And, it helped. And, the person I talked with allowed me to let it all out. There's also the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK(8255). I think it best to talk with a live person face-to-face.

Yes, living is better than dead, don't you think so? 

The person you talk with should allow you to purge and provide some assistance. They can usually suggest the next step that all of us need to take. That is to take measures to protect you from the depressed moods that you don't deserve. You deserve to be happy and there are many wonderful people who can help you. 

It sounds like your circle of family and friends can't help you right now. They are obviously hurting and aren't coping with life very well either. The person who helps you will help you find ways of relating to family and friends that does not continue to aggravate you. 

You said you are alone 95% of the time and that you have no one to talk to. Just make contact with one person whom you can trust who is experienced in ways that can help you. 

Please do it for yourself. From someone who has been there, I know that once you start, you can rest in the confidence that you are beginning the path to turn your life around. It is nice to hope again, even if it's just a little bit of hope. 

Wonder Why Anti-Depressants Aren't Doing The Trick? - Tamara - Feb 4th 2009

If you are over 35, female (even male in some instances) and have all the symptoms of depression but medication isn't quite helping it could be that your hormone levels are out-of-balance.  Please give this a shot it will do wonders.  See a medical doctor, ladies an OBGYN have your hormone levels checked.  Estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, thyroid, FSH and LH.  You may be surprised at what you find.  There have been several great episodes on peri-menopause lately see www.oprah.com for more info.  I had mine checked and WOW was I surprised. . . . . .

Do i have a big problem? - mario - Feb 4th 2009

i am 20, i am not sure how long i am depressed, people that i know over the internet told me that something is not right with me and then i i was taking a look at myself: i think a lot about death (suicide sometimes as well, i never did it though nor did i hurt myself), i am mostly sad, i can have fun and smile but in the end of the day i am sad. I don't see any hope in the future, no reason to live on and i feel like if i would die today that i would not really rerget the fact that i won't see what tomorrow brings. I have friends but i don't feel like going out even though i have nothing better to do, i just sit at home and do stuff on my PC, i like to be alone, i have a lot of negative thoughts, i don't enjoy things in my life i used to do when i was younger, i feel bad about myself. In my life i don't really have problems, but anything i dreamed of and that did happen just doesn't make me happy, i think that even if i would be rich and had a lot of free time and could do anything i want i would steel feel like now. I lost my hope in god over time, the fact that there is something like that just doesn't make sense for me cause when i look at the world i can't belive that it is ok and that if there is a god that he would want it like that.

 Life just seams boring to me, i am tired of it even though i am young and have  alot coming, but it all just doesn't seams worth living for, i know my familiy and friends love me thats why i never told them i guess.

I don't talk to the people i know about how i feel about the world and life cause i know i would not like there reaction, i told my friend the other day that i am depressed and that i might need help, but i don't feel any better about it, i feel like when others know that i am depressed think about death that i will be more of a outsider then i already am.

 Its hard to say how much depressed i am and how serious it is thats why i got here, i see a lot of you have it a lot harder then i do

tired of feeling horrible about life - - Feb 2nd 2009
i didn't realize how bad i was until i flipped out in a wedding dress shop today.  im suppose to be a bridesmaid and i freaked after trying on dresses that i hated and i realized i hate my body, life , my dad, sometimes my friends , and my whole life. i feel worthless and ugly. i feel like i gave my life to others and forgot about myself. im 15 and feel like i should just give up now. no i dont mean kill myself i mean runaway or just stop talking so i fade into the back round even more. im ready for my heart to be whole again but at this point it never will. i will just have to let myself die inside slowly because as i see it i will never be me again.

I feel alone - - Jan 28th 2009

I am a mother of a 2 month old and I have been feeling so depressed and angry and hurt at every little thing. It doesnt help that my bf mother looks at me like im a little kid and doesnt think im a good mother when I have a better job then she does and I make more money! Im 23 wtf I know im younger then I should be to be having kids but I feel like im mature enough to handle it. I have been doing the best I can to raise my son and I feel like im doing a pretty good damn job at it! So I dont understand why I feel like crap. I feel like taking pain killers just to make everything seem better. Even though I stop myself from taking them I still have that thought in the back of my mind.  I never feeling like doing anything any more but sleep. I come home and take care of my baby and do nothing but lay around the house. I also for no reason just start to bust out in tears because I feel so unhappy. Im so stressed out I am always thinking about every little thing thats wrong in my life. I really do believe I need help. Or even to just to talk to someone I think would make me feel better. My boyfriends just doesnt seem to understand me. Anyone have any suggestions?

why should i hang around? - - Jan 27th 2009

i am really searching for a reason to continue living.. and cant seem to find one.. i am 43 years old have diabetes which seems to get worse, being overweight and addicted to sweets naturally doesnt help my condition, my family in particular my parents just seem to tell me to snap out of it.. do things i enjoy and i will feel better as if this is solid and reasonable advice, they say hurtful and messed up things to me and we seem to just constantly fight when we are around each other, i hate my job to no end they pay is barely enough to survive let alone get ahead and the thought of going there in the mornings really makes me physcially ill, im divorced for over 10 yrs have no children the one thing in this world that i wanted more then anything,which seems i will never ever get to experience motherhood at this rate.. havent had a decent relationship and cant seem to find anyone who doesnt want to just sleep with me. i have one friend in this world who lives over a thousand miles away and has problems in her own life.. i am alone about 95 percent of the time, have no one really to talk to about my feelings or anything else for that matter, i think about just swallowing a bottle of pills and laying down and going to sleep for good.. can anyone.. tell me why i shouldnt? can anyone give me a reason to keep going day after day with disappointment after disappointment and nothing to look forward to, and no joy or happiness? anyone??????

U r not alone - Dawn Marie - Jan 17th 2009
U know i am ^%#@ up too ben that way, then convinced myself i was normarmal. Then i got mad at myselfe becuse i wasn't. it good then its not and so on and so on i am so tired of livin this lie to myself, getting hurt by people that i know that are going to hurt me and all that shit that goes along wih it just being sick and tired of being sick and tiered of all the same old story same old shit i did this to myself becuse why would i be he now......................... i am sick of all this i am sorry that sound the way it it does but what else...............................??????????????????????

i get it, totally - i dont like my name - Jan 8th 2009

i completely understand what you guys are feeling, Im not even 17 yet (not even 16) and ive been depressed for 3 years. i actually am getting over it. its not that horrible anymore. of course, i want to die sometimes, but thats only when that time of the month comes around. for the most part. sometimes i feel i have no reason to be depressed, cos i dont really have people in my family with heart problems, no boyfriend troubles, not really any sibling troubles, stuff like that. when i feel i have no reason to act like i do sometimes, i start thinking, "i wish i had a reason to be so depressed" and then i stop right there. cos i never want my family to hurt. i feel they dont care about me quite often. but i care about them a lot. my dad says its because im a loving child, and i have a big heart. maybe all depressed people have big hearts. which is why they get depressed. i dunno. i just felt i needed to confine something in someone other than my family. mys sister doesnt understand, shes too perfect. my brother doesnt, he's too friendly. my dad is having troubles with work, and he's a lot like me, so he's cool. but i feel i shouldnt confine in him, he has enough troubles to begin with. and i hate making people worried about me. my mom, well, she has God. so do i, but i dont nelect family like she used to. Im not sure what shes doing right now. if she cares or not, but she does more than she did before.

im just living life, day by day. hoping something will comealong to make me accepted by my friends, some of whom dont care. others dont understand, and others dont try to. oh well. sometimes i wonder if they really are my friends. i know a few of them that are, even if they dont know how i feel often, but...my best friend confuses me. she likes older people, and since im not old. im just, old news. no fun anymore. she'll talk to me when she has no one else to talk to. but as soon as theres someone more mature than i am, i just fade into the background. i dunno, i must not be a very intertesting person. but, im happier than i used to me, at least. i feel theres something to look forward to for the next day, the next moment...

unless its math class. ew. hate math. hee hee.

but, i pray and hope that something will keep me happy for the time being, so i wont resort to any of the dangerous things that i used to think of.

 i read a few of the comments and was all "aww!!". i felt sad, i really did. especially for that art guy who lost his girlfriend. im sorry. i love art too, so i understand what you mean in saying what you did. i dont understand relationship things, but i wont judge you either.

i hope that everyone on this site feels better really soon. im only recovering, and i sometimes lapse back into the sorrows of yesterday, but hey, i have tomorrow to look forward to. and a sex talk in science class. ew. oh well. maybe i'll be more mature by the end of it, and my friend will accept me again.

i hope you all get better...did i already say that? sorry. but i do. please dont stop trying, you'll get to your goal. sounds like something retarded from like disney channel, but, yeah. please persist until you make it. thats what im trying to do. maybe it'll work for you guys too.

I Understand - - Jan 8th 2009

Hey, its okay if you feel depressed. Im not even sixteen yet and i've felt depressed for almost 3 years now. I think it might be that bipolar disorder thing. Seriously, i felt so horrible so often. I never wanted to go outside, cos i felt i wouldnt be accepted, i never wanted to hang out with my family, cos every litle thing they did hurt me, and i was sick of it. Like, i have a sister that just seems to be little miss perfect. everyone loves her, she has a load of friends, she is always able to be happy, she pretty much has a boyfriend who i guess you could say is a jock (and i hate him). I also have a brother whose captain of the basketball team, always has a bunch of friends, he is obviosly my mom's favorite...And i'm like "well, if its like this, what s the point of me being here?" i always felt that i shouldnt have been born. i sometimes felt that i should die, cut myself or something, but that just made me think i was even more pathetic co i knew i wasnt strong enough to do that. so i kept saying " i shouldnt have been born". to top it all of, compared to the rest of my immediate family, i'm fat. AND once my mom told me that i was ugly, so i was like "crap, if you dont like me, why did you bother having me?" you know???

But in my few years of life i've been through a lot. I lived in the ghetto, starving every afternoon cos my mom didnt care to provide for me (she was always at church praising God and denying that she had a family), my dad tried but couldnt relly, and i had to live off my grandma's money. Along with the rest of practically the whole family. so we all lived under one roof, starving together. i didnt even know how to use a computer until 3 yrs ago. Which was when i came to america. I hadnt realized how much i missed my family until i came here and got all depresed and stuff. Oh, and after we left, it seemed like everyone we'd left behind, everyone that we knew was dying. we always heard "oh your uncle just died".  i only found pleasure in books, cos i knew that the characters in there would always be faithful to me and never hurt me. They were the only ones i could trust. I was always writing in my diary " i want to die, cos blah blah blah" you know? I still write it sometimes, but not as much as before. Ive actually gotten better,

What was my medicine you ask? everything i had left behind as a kid. I know of people who go find new pleasures, new thing to try to please themselves. But really. What i do is i write in my diary (put the date and the time im writing) whatever i feel whenever i feel. Cos i've had some times when i didnt feel anything. Like Christmas Eve. I knew the holiday was going to be boring like it was the past three Christmases, away from my family, so i was just like "wow. im bored". But when i felt sad, like the christmas before when my mom sent me to my room for practically the whole day, cos i was still in depression. she didnt know it was depression though, she didnt care. i dont know if she even would've noticed if i had just had enough and run away. I also do whatever i find interesting now. Like i love writing. i make up some story and write out my feelings as the character's feelings, and my sister and my friends like reading it cos i know how to make things funny. i also like drawing, or splattering paint all over paper, to express my feelings, and then i stack it away. by the time im done, i feel fine, and then a few days, maybe weeks, months or yrs later, i go back and look at it, and i just have to smile at what i did. like "wow, i was such an idiot." but still smiling and feeling way uplifted all the same.

i go back to things that used to please me when i was a kid. simple things that i used to do before with my family. laugh at memories of the dumb things ive done. like getting stuck in a tree at 7 with a freaky looking caterpillar and crying till my grandma got home and helped me out. or getting mad whenever i was the first one found in hide and seek and being all "i dont wanna play anymore". you know, memories. Im not saying it'll work for everyone. i cant predict the future. Maybe it wont work for anyone at all, but it could be worth a shot. family, friends, old pleasures, stuff like that. like, i hate going out, when my dad asks if i wanna go somewhere with everyone, im usually like "no. are you kidding?" but whenever i force myself to go, i realize that wow, i actually had fun.

and one more thing before i go, cos im supposed to be doing homework right now, i personally think that the people that get depressed are the best people there are. why? they may hurt everyone and all, but thats just it. Ive hurt people multiple times. i think that depressed people get depressed because they have the biggest hearts. they have the potential to reach out to everyone. have you ever heard a depressed person speak? it can be heart wrenching. being able to reach out to people you dont even know and telling them the honest truth, is just amazing. if you can make strangers feel like they're about to cry, imagine what will happen when you tell the ones who care about you,and vice versa. like, dont tell a child who wont understand a thing, or someone that will feel its all their fault that you feel this way. but resort to someone who cares that can understand. the way to fix you is to make them see you and your problem. see how you feel. you know?

thats what i think. i really hope this helps some of you. if not, im incredibly sorry. i understand the hurt, and i hope you can all feel hopeful again.

There has to be some hope... - A - Jan 5th 2009

Wow. I'm sure you guys are tired of reading this, but "me too!" I am 24, single mother of three kids, and they are the only reason I am alive now. I did put myself in the hospital, and I have been baker-acted. Honestly, it was like a vacation from all the stresses of my life. When I was in the hospital, I knew I couldn't take on all of my problems, and I was truly helpless. I swallowed 22 100mg Trazadone, and from what I was told later, my heart stopped, I guess not long enough for the white-light and all that, if that's all true. But while in the hospital, I kept telling myself I am alive for a reason, and I was going to make the best of my life, etc... and now, 4 months later, I am right back where I was when I took the pills. I have my kids, some "friends", my mother lives close by, although sometimes that makes things worse, an off and on boyfriend, and noone can help me. I am miserable, and honestly, I want to be left alone. I have this horrible urge to run away. I have contemplated it, but as usual, I could never do it because of everyone else... don't want to leave my children, don't want to worry my mother or my boyf, or my friends... I have become slightly agorophobic, not wanting to socialize or even step foot out my front door. I have these crazy mood swings, and I'm constantly making myself feel guilty about it. I swore I would never take meds for it, but I am on my fourth now in a 6 month span. I started on celexa, they didn't give it much time to work, then I voluntarily went to a mental health facility for 3 days, just to humor my counselor, where they switched me to Prozac, and while they had me there, all I did was sleep, Prozac and Trazadone, and I was a zombie, I sometimes got up to eat and use the bathroom, but other than that I slept. My blood pressure at night was coming up 43/39 and crazy readings like that, where they would make me get up walk around and recheck it, because it was too low for their paperwork I guess. I wanted out, because I hate being confined, but once I got in my car and got on the road headed home, I wanted to go back. But then who would have my kids? Who would take care of my bills? Would I still have a job? Etc.... So I disregarded my own gut instinct that I wasn't ready to go home, and about a month later I was switched to Geodon and Trazadone, and this stuff had me in a state that my boss sent me home and I was so out of it I was scared to drive. I was lucky to make it to the bathroom it was so hard to wake up and get out of bed. So I quit taking it, two days later I locked myself in the bathroom and took the bottle of Trazadone, and woke up in a hospital, lucky my boyf had called 911, and also extremely lucky to still have my kids. However, I was baker-acted, sent out of the county because I am on Medicaid, and they didn't have a bed for me anywhere near here, promised all of this support and social workers and help when I went home, 2 days later, and have not heard the 1st thing from them. TWO DAYS...I attempted, almost succesfully, to kill myself, and they sent me home to my three kids and empty house 2 days later. Of course since then I have been fighting the urge to do stupid things to myself, or just disappear one day, or who knows what...? I cannot even get my counselor to call me back, and the psychiatrist I see was never notified of my little ordeal or my hospital stay or the Baker-acting.... what kind of help is this? They switch your meds all over the place and send you on your way, and they tell me they have to "experiment" with different meds until we find the right one for me... They are toying with my life. Now I am on Wellbutrin. 300mg/day, which I am told is a strong dosage. It seemed to help, for about a month and a half....maybe. And now I am back to where I was, it has no effect whatsoever. One minute I am happy. The littlest thing can make me SO angry, or SO extremely sad. And once I am angry or really down, I can't seem to shake it. Noone I am close to seems to understand. I feel completely hopeless and helpless. I know this can't be good for my kids. I feel horrible when they see me cry or go into a rage. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, with a possibilty of Bipolar Disorder. So what? Now we have a name for what's wrong with me. Whoopty friggin' doo. This is NOT me! I was smart, funny, outgoing... Is there a way to make it better? I am now jobless, living on income based housing and food stamps, and absolutely at the end of my rope. I was in honors classes in school, started college, was supposed to go into the military, had a steady job up until a few months ago, and since then it's been off and on, because I have to force myself to go into work.  I want things to get better, but at times I feel like "why even try?" I feel like the world's biggest failure, even though I am sure there are people worse off than me. I am seeking help, and all it's done is get my hopes up and possibly made things worse than they were. If anyone wants to talk, please feel free to email me. I know this is a lot, but it feels good to get it out and know the people who actually read it all might understand me... imurpant0mime@aol.com Bye for now...

There's no one good answer - - Jan 3rd 2009

and to think I was the only one with these thoughts and feelings that come from somewhere, maybe deep inside oneself?  or is it a combination of millions of outside influences that cause the confusion and distortion of what was once thought to be the "normal" world. 

I've found myself asking these questions (to myself) for over 18 years now.  I'm now 34.  For all of you who felt the need to post here, THank You!  There's some comforting feeling in reading your posts, none of us is the only one...I've realized (or am trying to) that the "normal" world is the one I make for myself every day.  The problem is putting it into practice, ya it's hard.  

I think I found a "cure" for feeling so crappy all the time, for not being able to breath, for breathing too much at times (hyperventalating), for the neverending flow of tears that come without provocation. 

ah, you'll think I'm nuts....

- - Jan 3rd 2009
Wow. I feel better. Hang in there you guys. It could be worse.