Ambivalent Exhibitionist

I'm simply reaching out for help to a problem that has spanned a couple decades now. I am 41 and have been married 14 years to a good hearted - hard working woman who is very loving. We have no children. Since as far back as high school I have had this emotional urge to be an exhibitionist, I would put my self in positions where I could expose myself (always to the opposite sex) to a various cross section of women. Twice in the long time I have been fighting this I was charged and put on probation. Once I was ordered by the court to seek Psychiatric care which solved nothing! Since the internet, I have stopped exposing myself in public and began leading a life of deception and a virtual cyber-exhibitionist lifestyle in chat rooms, on-line. I often pose as many different people, teen, male, female, single, gay, etc....All with one purpose in mind to engage in talk of sex and get gratification from this. Sometimes I spend 6 hours a night on-line chatting and viewing photos of people, and making contacts. Some of these contacts lead to phone calls, or inter-net video activity. Once I made an actual in person meeting, but played a charade as to who I really was. I'm tired of this. I want to break this compulsion to go on-line and find pleasure this way. To me it is more exciting and intriguing than having sexual relations with my wife. She hates all the time I spend on-line but though I manage to explain it off, her rope is wearing thin. Basically I'm still struggling with the same issues that got me in trouble before except that the inter-net has me off the street and in my den but it has connected me to a much larger and seemingly co-cooperative group that feeds my compulsion. I know I need therapy. But my HMO does not cover it. I can't afford $100-$150 an hour, that would compound problems and add the stress of financial hardship to my life which will slip me into deeper isolation and make me retreat to what brings me satisfaction. I am too ashamed to list most of my activities in a public forum. But would be happy to tell you in private e-mail or some other way. How can I solve this problem and get back to devoting my time to my wife, so she can be happy again and not worried about me on-line half the night?

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