When there is someone who is better looking than me, I feel inadequate

My body image. “I have nothing to hide behind.IF I had a perfect body, I could hide behind it. Where I would feel secure about one thing in my life. Where I could feel secure in my own body.which I don’t. I feel better when I compare myself to someone who is not as decent looking as me, which I think I get from someone in my family, But when there is someone who is better than me I feel inadequate and stupid and ugly and worthless. I want(ed) to be perfect at everything. I want to stop and be okay with whom I am, what I look like, and what I do with my life. When I put others down, I feel better about myself. I like feeling superior to others. That reminds me of something my father does.” Abuse by my father, mental and physical for 8 years, Abandonment by both my parents several times, especially by my mom, Molestation from my sister for 8 years, Raped about 5 times. My head feels like poop. I hate that everything is so shitty. When It comes to my life, relationship with my family, I hate not feeling special or wanted. Which I feel very often, I don’t feel fulfilled in life. When I revile myself to myself, I feel uncomfortable about who I am and what I look like. I want a happy, healthy fulfilling life. Where I work hard, love my life, don’t put people down to feel good about me, be happy with my body, feel loved on a daily basis even if someone isn’t telling me every day, I want to feel like I have a purpose, where I don’t have to feel like I need to be perfect at everything. I don’t want to feel like I need to hide myself. I want to take this broken person I feel like and fix her(me) in the best way that I can. What should I do?

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