Men, Women, and Understanding PornographyAllan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. Updated: May 22nd 2007
Judging from the multitude of responses we have gotten from my essay about internet pornography , pornography is an issue that plagues many relationships. Most of the comments we've received are from women who feel devalued and disrespected by the fact that their husbands, boyfriends and fiancées look at internet pornography. Many of the women who have written in have expressed feeling betrayed when they discover their men have looked at pornography. They have expressed the belief that they are not attractive enough, or desirable enough, or sexy enough. Some of these female writers report that they even view some internet porn along with their partner and feel especially angry that their partner will sneak away to view porn websites in isolation. The comments express outrage, hurt, puzzlement, and confusion about what goes on with their men.
There are many noteworthy things to say about the responses we have gotten so far on this issue of pornography but three questions stand out in my mind at this moment:
1. By far, the largest number of emails have come from angry and disappointed women.
2. Men view pornography in secret and in isolation from their female partners. Why do men engage in viewing pornography both in secrete and in isolation?
3. How can we help men and women understand one another so as to better avoid the bitterness and anger that easily comes between them on this issue?
1. Understanding vs. Rage:
Clearly, many women are enraged by pornography and direct their wrath at their men. We have had several females state their intention to end their relationship with their male partner and at least one woman has asked if she should break her engagement and impending marriage over the pornography controversy.
We need to ask if this angry approach is good for either men or women over the topic of viewing internet pornography. Would it not be better to try and understand what is happening here between males and females and, through that understanding, develop better ways to cope with this problem?
Part of the reason why women are so angry about internet pornography is that it takes their men away from the family and from themselves. How can a father be engaged in fathering his children if he is locked in his office at home spending countless hours viewing porno sites on the internet? More than just viewing porn, these men are also masturbating. It goes without saying that masturbation occurs in isolation, at least under these circumstances, and the wife or partner is not involved in this solo activity. Yet, why? Why does this occur? Why do otherwise good fathers and husbands engage in this self-isolating sexual behavior when they have a willing sexual partner available? Why do so many men view porn in private and keep it secret from their wives, even from those wives who are willing partners in jointly viewing pornography as a "turn on" preceding foreplay and intercourse? Let us see if we can figure out some answers instead of engaging in condemnation.
2. Why Do Men View Pornography?
One of the reasons why men who are married, engaged to be married, or have a girl friend with whom they are sexually active, engage in the viewing of pornography in secret has to do with an emotion we recently visited called shame. As has been stated in other weblog entries on this site, shame has to do with deep feelings of self-disapproval. Shameful feelings of self condemnation can be extremely harsh, especially when it is perceived that a deeply valued belief about what is and is not socially acceptable has been violated. This is why shame is such a painful experience. The individual who feels shame engages in total self condemnation, whether other people are aware of it or not. Shame is much more powerful than guilt because feeling guilty is connected with a single act or behavior of which the person disapproves. There is no condemnation. Instead, there is awareness that some law or code has been violated in a single instance. Shame is much more global in nature than guilt. It involves a complete judgment of the entire self as negative. The experience of shame is humiliating and includes feeling a sense of disgust and mortification about the self.
Both men and women experience feelings of shame around sexual issues but for different reasons.
For women, feelings of shame often have to do with body image issues. Women compare themselves to other women and fear that they are not thin enough, shapely enough, or large breasted enough to fit the stereotypical view of what is defined as a beautiful woman.
In addition to body image issues, women struggle with what is and is not acceptable about being sexual when you are female. To this day there remains the double standard that for men it is permissible to be sexual but for women sexuality represents being immoral and sinful. Yet, once married, women are expected to be sexual and erotic for their husbands. These conflicted feelings are often less intense today, in the wake of the women's liberation movement, but they still persist.
For men, shame issues are directly related to sexual performance, and definitions of masculinity. For the male, part of sexual performance has to do with getting and maintaining an erection. This is such a visible aspect of masculinity and is so very obvious that any males who doubt their masculinity struggle with the question of whether their erection is large enough to attract and satisfy women. The man wonders if he is aroused enough. Second, he has to be able to ejaculate. The male cannot "fake" an orgasm. There is just no pretending; He either ejaculates or he does not. If he fails to ejaculate he feels less like a real man. If he fails to get and maintain an erection he feels less like a real man. If the male ejaculates before he enters the woman he feels less like a real man and if he ejaculates too soon after entering the woman and thus, deprives the woman of her orgasm, he feels like a failure. None of this is mean to imply that the men who watch pornography have these problems. It does imply that many men fear that these things could happen.
In addition to issues of performance for the male is the issue of genital size and appearance. Beginning with adolescence it is common for boys to compare penis size with one another. Some groups of boys even engage in ejaculation contests to test whose ejaculatory jet is the strongest and can reach the furthest. Some even engage in urinary contests to see whose urinary stream can reach the furthest. All of these are tests of masculinity for these adolescent men. Many boys become interested in weight lifting magazines with photos of muscular men whom they wish to emulate as a way of demonstrating their masculine prowess.
Then, there is the issue of fantasy life. According to Robert Stoller, a psychoanalyst and researcher on sexual issues and pornography, the role of pornography is to serve as the reverse of life events that occurred during childhood. Children who were abused, targets of corporal punishment at the hands of parents, or who were otherwise mistreated gain joy out of pornography by identifying themselves with the sadist in these photos and movies. In other words, they become the masters and the women become the slaves. Similarly, men who were intimidated by women as teens are able to reverse that feeling of intimidation they once felt (and still may feel) through the use of porn. Men are in complete charge and have complete power in the pornographic version of human fantasies, the complete reverse of their reality as children and the reverse of how they may feel as adult men. Therefore, they identify with doing things through viewing the pornographic material that they may be too ashamed to do with their wives in real life. This sense of embarrassment and shame about these fantasies is why so many men keep their pornographic interests secret, as one patient reported to me.
Stoller also writes about the concept that pornography has a fetishistic aspect to it. A sexual fetish involves having a sexual reaction to a non-human object or a part of a human being's body. Such an erotic arousal might occur in relation to such things as shoes, underwear, feet, etc. In my opinion, pornography can be categorized as a fetish in that images are being viewed that are not alive or do not involve interacting with an entire human being. This is part of what is referred to as the objectification of women through pornography. In other words, in the pornography, the female body is viewed as a commodity, as a thing rather as a human being.
The next big step that Stoller takes in his writing is to state that the fetish object, which is not a full human being and is not real, can be treated with cruelty and violence. The men who view pornography have no wish to harm either their wives or other women. However, they imagine harm to or at least control over a pornographic object through the fantasy world of pornography
This separation of fantasy life reversing what happened during childhood is part of what is known in Freudian psychoanalytic circles as the "Madonna-Whore Complex." This complex refers to the wish in all men that their wives are pure and innocent with regard to raising their children and interacting with friends and neighbors. The purity part of the continuum encompasses the "Madonna," or the virginal and sexually innocent girl. However, the same man wishes his wife to act like a "whore" in the bedroom, performing all the wished-for sexual acts that excite and please him.
The problem for some men is that they cannot reconcile the fact that their wives; the mothers of their children can fill the wished for sexual fantasy of the "whore." For these men, the Oedipal conflict takes over in which there is too much guilt associated with the role of "mother" to allow them to continue to see their wives as sexual partners. In other words, a split takes place in which their wife and the mother of their children can no longer be viewed as the "whore" but only as the "Madonna." This type of split includes viewing pornography in private because they do not want to admit to having such fantasies about their wives and may even believe that these wives would never approve of such erotic and "prohibited" fantasies. Therefore, the pornography must be viewed in privacy and solitude. If you doubt the power of the Oedipal conflict that boys feel in relation to their mothers, I need only point to the major fist fights and near riots that break out in high schools across America if one boy should happen to use a particular curse phrase in regard to the other boy's mother. Simply to state the term "Mother-F***er" (use your imagination to fill in the missing letters) to another boy can start a major battle between groups of adolescent boys. In the therapy office I have worked with a few men over the years that simply lose their libidinal feelings towards their wives once they become mothers.
For all of these reasons and more, many men retreat into the secret and private world of pornography and masturbation. This is even true of some men who engage in full heterosexual contact with their wives and still retreat into that secret world of masturbation. In the fantasy world of pornography there is no shame and there are no performance issues.
3. How can partners get along in the face of pornography use?
It is important that both men and women begin to understand and become sensitive to the delicate shame issues experienced by each with regard to their sexuality. Women come to believe that they are not pleasing their men and that is why their male partners turn to pornography. The root of this thinking is often related to the negative body images that women hold of themselves. Women who are heavy believe they are ugly. Women who are thin believe they are heavy and ugly. Women who are thin do not believe they are thin enough and insist they are ugly. Even today, in a world in which women are much more sexually liberated than ever before, some women fear that being sexual is immoral for a woman. As a result, they hold back from orgasm or from letting go and losing control in the orgiastic experience. They do not do this deliberately. Rather, the failure to orgasm is the result of deep and built in prohibitions.
Many men conclude that their women are not interested in sex or not in some of the ways they wish to pursue sexuality. They fear and doubt their ability to perform adequately and retreat into a world of isolation and sexual fantasy free of issues of performance and shame.
To the extent that both men and women can better understand where their partners are coming from with regard to pornography use and shame issues, they will be in a better position to start breaking down their mutual shame feelings and become closer. To the extent that partners do not make efforts to understand one another, attacks upon one another become more likely and the potential for intimacy within the all-important relationship decreases or fails entirely.
According to Stoller's research, the luckiest couples are those who can learn to abandon themselves to their sexual fantasies and strivings with one another without inhibition and anxiety. These couples can view pornography together, if they wish to, and can be free with one another without being inhibited by feelings of doubt about appearance or guilt that stems from unresolved issues of childhood. There is a normal part of foreplay when willing partners engage in pinching, biting, slapping, or spanking, and many other erotic activities in order to heighten the anticipated pleasure of intercourse. The key phrase here is "willing partners". How that phrase comes to be defined within a given couple will determine whether that couple can be open and honest with one another or not.
What are your opinions?
just a normal jerk male - Older Male 62 - Feb 8th 2010
I came across this site when I googled "Who watches porn?" I do and I feel guilty about it. One thing I've discovered from the site is 1) it's men and 2) their partners generally disapprove.
Some of the women out there are amazing with their open attitudes towards sex. I wish I could say that was our situation. I'm married and it seems like my wife just has a very low libido and very little interest in spicing things up. Our intimate encounters are all about her. I initiate and do all the work. Now don't get me wrong I enjoy it but I wouldn't mind some reciprocal attention. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her but she's just not interested most of the time then every now and then she is and it's great. She often has orgasms and every now and then ejaculation so you'd think there would be some incentive to get thgings going but we can go weeks without anything unless I initiate and after a while and more as time goes on I feel resentful.
And that's when I seek relief in porn on the internet. When I was young my hand and my mind were all I needed. Then came penthouse and por mags. At my age it takes a little more to get things going. But when they are going I love it. I get great satisfaction and great pleasure from the porn. Men like to masturbate. Remember I grew up with "If it feels good, do it." Of course I do it in private. I would be too guilty and embarrassed to admit I do it but honestly I'd love to share with her. (But one thing I've learned from this site is - DON'T. Bad idea. We've watched porn together in the past and I know it excites her but recently she just stops watching and I feel terrible. She has that low body esteem that many of the previous posts talk about but there's nothing wrong with her body. I like it and I tell her that but she thinks she is fat. She's a Size 2!!! And I'll keep the iporn secret because I know it will only make her feel worse.
So porn is an escape and some dyas if it wern't for porn I'd have no sex life at all. It's absolutely not about power or enjoying female degradation. I don't go to extreme sites - kids or animals or anything too weird for my taste. And I enjoy watching older women. That's probably some twisted way of thinking I'm being faithful even on porn sites but I enjoy the good looking younger participants as well. I mean if you're going to watch porn doesn't it make sense to watch people who you find attractive?
One of the things I am coming to grips with as I get older is how incredibly different people are. Even if superficially they are similar, mot too far down under the surface they are completely and absolutely different. So many of the stories on here are similar but there's always a key difference. For me reality TV has revealed a lot of that. Seeing people unscripted is a real eye opener. Some of them are so delusional it's nuts.
Anyway I suspect that for a lot of what's going on there's room in a man's life for his partner and porn but clearly the partner doesn't see it the same way. But some men have gone too far. Getting rough and trying to experience what they've seen on the PC is completely unacceptable. Now consensual, there's another story. Not for me in this lifetime but it's happening for someone.
My other question is who are these people in porn movies? There seem to be thousands and thousands of them. Why do they do it? Are they even all getting paid? I don't pay for anything so noone is making any money from me on the internet but I see that some guys are getting the credit cards out and going to the sites so now I know why I get it for free because the next guy may pay.
I suspect that men are the same as they have always been but internet porn introduces an aspect that has never existed in the lifetime of humanity. It's so recent and such a new experience many can't come to grips with it. Will it be completely normal for our teenagers? Scary thought. What will it be like for them having grown up with unfetterd access to all the porn they want?
I'm rambling. Thank your for the site and the insight. I'm just a normal jerk male. I will limit my viewing and not let it become an addiction. Should the KIND of porn be a source of worry? - Amy - Feb 8th 2010
I'm a 43 yr old woman involved and living with a 46 yr old man for about a year now. He has deep seated trust issues after some pretty harsh treatment by women in his life prior to me....he was cheated on, stolen from, etc.
Our bedroom time is ok. Not earth shattering in my mind, but good. I am satisfied, but he feels like the "guy down below" is substandard in size. (In reality, it is, but I have told him it's just fine with me, and it is.) He has had some issues in the past with not getting hard enough or getting an erection at all, but not with me.
When we are having adult time in the bedroom, he has always been emotionally disconnected...never loving and affectionate, always has his eyes closed, rarely kisses with tenderness. He always gets up and showers immedately afterwards and usually goes out and watches TV....doesn't stay and hold me for even a minute.
We have looked at porn together and I am ok with that. In fact, it used to be a turn on. But lately, some of the KINDS of things he looks at when he's alone bother (and even disgust) me. We haven't talked about this.
He is big into anal sex and I had never done that before. But because of his size and the fact that even fully erect he's not big, I have learned to tolerate and sometimes even like it.
The things I have found on the computer are gross: bottle insertions into the woman's butt, painful anal sex, etc.
He seems to have a dominant streak to him. He often tells me my female parts are "pretty" and that when I am especially energetic during sex that I'm "doing very well....that's just right".
We had an episode the other night in which we was quite forceful with me even when it should have been clear by my body language that I didn't like what he wanted me to do, which was oral sex on him after he had been inside of me. I later saw he looked at quite a bit of that on the computer while I was at work that night. Maybe a bit gross, but if I wanted to taste female parts, I'd have been a lesbian.
I have been very unsettled since then. I feel a bit violated, actually...he is a big, strong man, and I was definitely overpowered and made to do that even when I didn't want to.
I am not in a position to end this relationship right now, and he tends to get hostile and defensive with most types of "talks". I realize things aren't good but because of a very long work commute and a house on the market, I will be in this situation for the foreseeable future.
He also occasionally browses adult services personal ads on local Craigslist but I am 100% sure via keylogger and cell phone bill that he has not actually contacted or chatted with any of them.
Should his tendency towards hardcore porn bother me? Is it possible/likely that his anger/trust issues with women are going to escalate into things that become actual rather than things he looks at on the computer? I have found a few pictures of bestiality, and another of mother-son interactions. But mostly he seems to look at painful anal sex. If this IS a red flag for possible violent behavior, what can *I* do in the mean time to not trigger it?
When does porn become dangerous? Or is it just that I am fairly naive in that the things he looks at alone are freaking me out? I personally think in the context of the other issues that I SHOULD be concerned. Any professional thoughts or comments?
Thanks. it is sick - star - Jan 30th 2010
Okay I truly think it is very sick and nasty. Okay men if you are going to watch porn be very smart and hide your porn from your woman don't have it post on your website or out in the living room. Men do know the living suppose to be a family room... Women try so hard to look sexy for there men try to have sex with them any time they want it and any where they want it. But yet they have porn around the house.and post on the website where we can see it. Look men if you going to watch porn at least put it away. However I truly think a man should only watch porn if his wife is not giving him any cookie at all. however if she is giving him cookie there is no need to really watch porn unless he is not happy with her when they have sex. so he have to watch porn to make him really happy Why teen sites??? - Slightly frustrated - Jan 30th 2010
So my bf and I have been together for slightly over 1 year. We moved in together relatively early on in our relationship and have learned quite a bit about each other. When I first discovered the fact that he watched porn on the internet, I felt just as the article described. Even though I have received many compliments, telling me how attractive I am. I didn't think I was attractive enough for him... not thin enough, not fit enough. I just turned 40 this year, and don't feel any older. He is 47. However, even with compliments, him turning to porn, just made me feel like I didn't stimulate him sexually. Much of the porn that he was looking at was from teen sex sites. And that bothered me more than the fact that he was looking at porn. I confronted him and told him that I didn't really have that big of an issue of him looking at naked women on internet, but I did have a serious issue with the sites that have girls who don't even look 16 or 17. He argued and said that I just was insecure. That these girls are all well above legal age and all men prefer to look at fit young women. There would be quite a stretch between our sexual enounters, so when I found out how often he watched porn... it hurt very much. And I couldn't understand why he didn't want to have sex with me, and I enjoy sex and am always willing and usually have to be the one to initiate things. He said that maybe we just needed something different to stimulate our sex life. I said well, we can try watching adult porn together, which is fine. I'm not so insecure about my body that I can't watch it and it does encourage intimacy. However, once again, I've discovered that the only sites he is watching is secrete and isolation are the teen porn sites. This seriously bothers me and I've confronted him about it again. Why doesn't he choose the sites where there are beautiful "women" and not girls??? By the way, I forgot to mention that his ex-wife is 12 years younger than he is and she does have the body of a 17 year old. Is he fantasizing about being with her? is it about him or is it about me? - - Jan 30th 2010
I found your article in a quest to better understand what is “normal” (if we can even use this word) with regard to amount of pornography men watch/look at. I was feeling a bit of resentment toward my husband and his interest in pornography. To be clear, I think viewing a certain amount of pornography is very normal and not necessarily a problem. I was surprised by my feelings of resentment and wanted a better understanding of his motivations and my reaction. After reading the article, I realized that we have similar issues when it comes to expression of our sexuality but that those issues manifest themselves in different ways.
What really surprised me were the responses! It seems like many of the women responding want to attribute their relationship issues to something and they have chosen to believe that porn is at the root of their problems. Many attributed their partner’s lack of interest in them/their sexual fulfillment to porn. If your husband is not interested in you or your sexual pleasure, I think you have a bigger problem than the fact he looks at porn. If you are feeling pushed aside, or that your children are being pushed aside, then THAT is the problem regardless of what you are pushed aside for.
It also seemed many women thought part of their “reward” for being good wives, mothers, etc should be a husband who doesn’t get aroused by visually erotic material. Have they considered that maybe their husband watching porn doesn’t have anything to do with them, the way they look, how good a mother they are, etc? I think that sexuality is a very personal thing and that it has everything to do with the person and their experiences. It should not be seen as a reflection of other people or their worth, even if that person is your spouse.
If you are describing the person you are married to as a sick-o, and your estimation of him is completely defined by this one aspect of his life, I’m guessing things were over a long time ago. With so much judgement out there, it’s not surprising that men hide it!
I certainly don’t tell my husband my every fantasy or confide every situation/scenario that I might find erotic. I wish I could. I’m just not there yet. I/we have made a lot of progress in our seven years of marriage and our sex life reflects that. I know that my own set of experiences has left me with certain issues that my husband might read as disinterest in him or in sex if we didn’t talk about them. Even then, I know sometimes he takes it personally or doesn’t feel that I find him attractive when the exact opposite is true. Sometimes there isn’t even anything to say because I don’t really understand me either. I don’t know how I feel about my husband watching porn. Truthfully, I probably feel differently about it at different times. The bottom line is we continue to work on it, on us, on our ability to communicate, on our unique set of issues. We try to be open-minded, reserve judgement and see us and our relationship as a work in progress. If one or both of the people in the relationship have lost the desire to do that then that should be the focus, not whether your partner watches porn or doesn’t. Women, do not read this as meaning “suck it up”. If his porn is a problem for you as an individual, then it should be seen as a problem for both of you to tackle together. weighing the options - em - Jan 29th 2010
I have been in a commited relationship with my bf for 2 1/2 years and we moved to a different state after college and have been living together for 7 mo. My bf is currently out of town looking for work and last night when going to check my face book page i found a recently viewed page called MyF*ckbook. I went to the sight and put in the first letter of his name and a screenname and a saved password opened his page. I was shocked and hurt to see that he had posted a nude photo of his erect penis on there and the first thing you see when you log on is other nude women. I know most guys watch porn, but posting nude pics of himself seemed a little extreme. I noticed that he had no friends or messages in his inbox or sentbox but he did have something called a "hotlist" of slutty women.
I immediately called him to ask what it was. He continually said "I'm sorry, I never cheated on you, I never talked to anyone, I don't want to be with anyone else, you make me a better person, please don't leave please, can we start over...etc" I asked him "If I had a nude pic of me online how would you feel?" he said "hurt and angry". So why would he do this to me? I have been crying and upset about this since last night.
He called me this morning to tell me that he got the job that he was seeking in another state and he wants me to move there with him. I simply said I don't know.
He gets back tonight and obviously we have a lot of talking to do. I defenitely feel betrayed, angry, sick and can not even think of him sexually at this time. I am weighing the options of leaving him to go back to my hometown where I have tons of connections and opportunity or move with him to yet another state where I know no one, again.
Generally, we have a very loving and fruitful relationship but it is full of double standards. He is very protective over me. Do you have any advice for me? I know that this situation is different than just "porn" because he posted himself on the internet where by just one click he could be chatting it up with some whore although, he claims he never did. I want to handle this situation as resposibley and maturely as I can because I really do love him and I value our connection and life together. I am interested to hear your thoughts. Thanks. Allowance Given to Men? - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Jan 27th 2010
It is very clear from the many comments on this blog that many women are angry about their husbands or boyfriends use of pornography. That is understandable. What I am not clear about is why many of the women who have commented seem to believe that men have some type of allowance or permission to use porn. I certainly hope that no one believes that I implied such consent or allowance because that was not and is not my intention.
In addition, it is appaling to me that any father would leave any type of pornography around the house where it can be found by their children, male or female. No, porn should not be used, in my opinion and the family and children should be protected from it.
Dr. Schwartz what is the equal injustice for women? - readytowalk - Jan 27th 2010
As stated in others comments, the allowance given to men pertaining to porn is unfair and unjust. How is it that we refer to men as more sexual creatures yet, women often experience less sexual activity because the man is busy satisfying himself with porn rather then sharing the experience with his wife/partner?
I have come to believe through much research that one of the reasons women feel so betrayed is because we are often left unsatisfied and unfulfilled sexually because our mates desire is limited due to constant self masturbation and fulfillment with porn. I don't understand why once they have seen enough, they can't just refer to their mental encyclopedia of porn while being intimate with us so we both feel satisfied at the end. I should not have to live without sex because I am being replaced by videos and hands. If that life is more appealing, I would be glad to leave him and his video's to their life together and find a partner who is more interested in sex with me, where on occasion we could enjoy porn together.
When I ask "why", "what is it that you are desiring that our love life doesn't fulfill"? I consistently get the "nothing" answer. Well, if that is the case, then why is it a MUST in life? Our bodies crave what we are lacking, from water, to vitamins and nutrients, to sex. There is a cause for this behavior, and the excuse of, "men are more sexual beings" doesn't float with me. Women all over the world are unfulfilled buy men because they are unable to achieve as hard of an erection because their "susie-homemaker" can no longer compare to their "Debbie Does Dallas". The equivalent would be to have sex staring at a poster of their exact opposite, and talk to a man everyday who is everything their husbands aren't then see how our excitement dwindles when they want to bed us! The shame of their erection is a direct correlation to the fact they know that when they make love to us they don't get as hard or aroused and they do while watching their pornographic material. If they put down the porn, and allowed themselves to get built up with anticipation for their wives, they wouldn't have to question their sexual adequacy.
There is no excuse except for lack of communication and self-awareness. If asked "why" they should have an answer. Give your wives a chance, tell her what you want. If you hold in the insecurity and shame it will only create more turmoil for the relationship. Men have an insecurity about fulfilling us as much as we do with them. Both deserve to get what they want, together, in unison. Neither party deserves to be more satisfied then the other, and when a woman is replaced by porn that is exactly what happens!! Think about it!! Before women make a movement to replace you with BIGGER, HARDER, LONGER DILDO'S...that can event vibrate and swivel!! Men always says its a unfair advantage because their penis is unable to do those tricks, so we shouldn't compare. Well we aren't able to change to be the women on screen and get those bodies after baring your children, so you should compare, but watching, enjoying, and desiring porn, you compare on a regular basis...fair is as fair does! Deception/ Disrespectful Partner Unjustified - - Jan 26th 2010
As a beautiful, loving & dedicated mother/ wife, I am appalled by your consent to protect/ ensure men with pornagraphic addictions be excused and justified. I do not read any comments promoting the beautiful and respectful females behind these porno-addict males.
I have gone beyond to understand, explore and try to be a more seductive woman just to please my man putting my wants/ needs aside. This is an increasing problem in the world of marriage and commitment with respect being pushed aside and children possibly becoming the targets/ replicas of self-centered perverts satisifying their needs and not being real fathers/ husbands/ men as in simpler times when they were to provide and protect their loved ones.
I have been to marriage/ family counseling and only to learn my other half is scared to reveal his inner self and seek help for his self let alone his young boys who need a father figure rather than a perverted secret porno guy.
Why bail out rather than face the demon within?
His wife who is no longer going to take the back seat, realizing her real beauty lies deep within along with her hard working motherhood/ wife duties and deserving the best opportunities for the children to live healthy and happy. She has earned her respect and peace along with her children who deserve nuturing and loving relationships and strive to gain them.
If an individual is/ has become so self-centered and ill to sacrifice for their own needs and put aside the family they claim to love, it is without a doubt to move on and learn from these lessons in life. This person shall live their life as such unless they decide to walk the lighted path God has chosen and provided to teach and nuture their families.
I do not consent to making others miserable and stepping down to their needs always. Marriage is a joint concession and it is with great admiration to love others and wish to be treated the same as you treat others. Simply said.....
Men/ fathers/ lovers seem to be excusied for all reasons putting their female sexual partners and children to the backseat for their own self-gratification as number one!
This is so frightening and wrong when we are to work as one for our common goals and morals! Ejacluation Contest - - Jan 18th 2010
What kind of school did you go to? Seriously that doesn't happen in any of the places i;ve lived in my time, and i used to move around a lot. what to do? - - Jan 16th 2010
okay so answer me this... i never have an excuse i have sex with my boyfriend everytime he wants to have sex. and i always enjoy it... then there are a lot of times where in the middle of sex he will go limp.. i didnt think much about it at first you know that happens sometimes.. but over the almost 2 yrs we have been together i have caught him trying to talk to other girls thru his email, that was about a yr ago and he said that stopped which it has... then it was he was looking at girls on his phone.. one time WHILE I WAS LAYING IN BED NEXT TO HIM!!!! now its watching porn on the tv.. for the last two weeks i kno he has been watching it and he keeps lying to me about it, and two nights ago we are having sex and he goes limp again... the next day i get home and i catch him red handed jerking off, like are you kidding me??? and he contunied to lie to me about it... now that i know for a fact that he is, i kno now thats why we dont have nearly as much sex as we use to and he ovb doesnt like my small chest so he watching big boob porno and getting limp watching me.. so someone please tell me what im doing wrong? cause everything i have read is not good advice... The Reason It's Serious - Car - Jan 16th 2010
The problem with porn use is that like most other pleasures and habits, it doesn't stay the same. It escalates - gradually - and people who are into it get more and more desensitized to what used to turn them on and so they reach for wilder and wilder material - thinking that they'll be satisfied, but this never ends. So we go from "girly" pictures to "sex films" to some really hardcore material - some of which is produced by filming people who are captive as sex slaves. I was a "secure" woman who didn't mind my husband's use of porn - and some years later - with 2 young daughters in the house, I found some REALLY terrible material that portrayed violence and perversion that I won't even describe. WHAT THEN was I supposed to do. I'm still in my marriage - and more years have passed since then and my daughters are almost grown. I have spent the past decade plus keeping a watchful eye on my husband - and yes - the family is together and the children are unscathed, but at what personal toll to me. I will never look at my husband the same way or love him the same way and one day, I may decide to leave him forever. Big price to pay for porn. Not quite right - - Jan 16th 2010
I found the article to be very interesting. You gave me some things to think about regarding how men view porn. But you clearly don't know as much as you think you do about women. Our issues aren't nearly as simplistic as you describe. before and during sex - Scotty - Jan 5th 2010
My gf and I like to watch porn before and during sex. Keeps things interesting & fun :) Answering Your Question - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Dec 29th 2009
Hello CC22,
If you are bothered then there is no "should I be." You are bothered by what he does with porn. Frankly, I do not blame you.
In my opinion, sex is something that happens between two people who are in love. They turn to each other for sexual gratification. That means that, within the context of their relationship, they want to gratify one another. Based on this intimacy and trust, couples experiment with different positions, share fantasies and may even use toys and playfullness. Sometimes the sex is loving, sometimes its erotic, sometimes its completely lustful, however the two lovers feel at the time.
Some couples enjoy viewing porn together as a way to further stimulate them and that is fine. Porn becomes a problem when it occurs outside of the context of the relationship, in secrecy and with the disapproval of the partner. What you boy friend does is not with your approval and it takes him outside of the relationship. I do not blame you for disapproving.
A loving couple may masturbate together sometimes. The fact is that when sex is a shared activity, and that is the way its supposed to be, both people feel good and no one needs to feel rejected and not good enough.
Does this answer your question?
Dr. Schwartz ok ok soooooo.... - cc22 - Dec 29th 2009
so i get all that, but none of that answered my question. so should i be bothered by him serching for a particular women that are all the exact opposite of me?? and im sure this is a no win battle men think its ok women think its not. and i think its the amount... women masturbate but dont need or choose to not have the visual efect of porn most of us think about being with our men at lest i do. and if i watch porn its HARDELY ever. so why do men have to watch porn and jack off numerous times durring the week even though there partner is wanting to get off just as much just ass bad but by them. if i have an urge to get myself off i think about how long will it be until i can sleep with my man... if for a day or two fine but if tomorrow or a few hours WHATS THE POINT. men dont think about that they just go with their gut on i want to et off so im going to.
anyways..... so if i dont really like it, i mean if hes out of town fine, but what kind of ground rules should there be and what do YOU men think is far?? Also would us making videos he could watch or pics he could have help?? causes hes brought that up and i have no prob with that... or is it that he just wants a change and is trying to make me assume hes looking at those instead?? men love sexual variety - Little L - Dec 29th 2009
As far as married men and porn go, I think it is simply a matter of the fact that men love sexual variety. It keeps their arousal levels high. This is needed by many married guys because after years of having sex with the same person their desire levels tend to drop. Porn brings them back up to where they were when the man was young and first dating and having sex. Add masturbation to the mix which in itself is more phsyically stimulating that vaginal sex and you have a very intense sexual experience.
Some men can walk the fine line between masturbating to porn and having sex with their wives. Men can neatly seperate the two quite easily. However, the intesity of the visual aspect of porn, together with it's unlimited variety combined with sexual boredom in the marriage can cause some men to come to prefer the pron and maturbation experience over partner sex and this is when the trouble starts. something tells me you have - Loki - Dec 28th 2009
so none of you girls who are all hurt knowing you're boyfriend/husband watches porn, have ever fantasized about guys other than your partner while masturbating, or even having sex with him for that matter?
something tells me you have.... and probably a lot more often then you'll ever care to admit.
what's the difference beteen that and watching porn?... really answer me this.... - c22 - Dec 24th 2009
So ive only been with my boyfriend for a year and he never veiwed porn alone in the begining... we had ALOT of sex but who doesnt in the begining. and let me clear this up i am NOOO prude. Im very comfortable with my body im very good looking and have been told im great in bed by many men ive been with.... so about every 3 months when he was drunk i would be giving him head or i would be sleeping and he would pull me off and jack off... if i was giving head head he'd pull me back to blow in my mouth... which i was ok with thought it was kinda kinky but.... when i was sleeping??? he can just wake me up and he knows that. then the next time was he couldnt get it up so he jacked off for a bit to get it up... and then just finished?! i began to think this act was a bit selfish cause then im stuck ready to go and he wants to go to sleep. then he was acting different one day and a few days before had spouted off a porn site name to his friend joking around so i typed it into our history and found he had been watching porn lately. so i let it go figured it was ok if he was out of town... rather that then another girl ya know. but i started checking it and found he had been doing it more and more while i was at work... and then he wonders why i would act weird when i wanted to have sex when i got home and he wouldnt?!? so we kinda talked about it and he says its no harm he doesnt do it alot and its just a quick fix. well lately when i check he has been serching for a few specifics girls' names so he must be highly attracted to them.... let me inform you i am the first dark haired women hes been with but the only one hes been in love with, but all his exes are blondes and guess what these women hes specificly looking for their videos on the porn site are ALL blondes.... how should that make me feel? i know all women feel like there not good looking or sexy enough for their men and thats why they turn to porn but i didnt have those feeling until i found he was specifically going to certain women not just any video.... and they look the opposite of me. help how do i bring it up or how should i feel about this!?! dear real man - - Dec 23rd 2009
Dear REAL MAN,
You have just provided another reason why women get upset over men watching pornography. YOU'RE SELFISH. All you care about is pleasuring yourself because "that's what you're made for." Ridiculous. Why we REALLY like pornography: - David - Dec 21st 2009
So I was reading your little article about why we, men, like to look at pornography and I must say that I respectfully disagree with practically every "theory" that you have on the subject.
First of all, the reason we (and I think every man agrees with me) like pornography is because we simply love to ejaculate. We were built for this, It's engraved into our very DNA. When we are in the mood and our sexual partner isn't due to one of her timely "headaches" we are forced to find other means of pleasure. After a while of hearing excuses we don't even ask you any more if you are in the mood, we just head straight for the computer.
The reason we watch our pornography in "secrete and in isolation" is simply because of you women. By the negative stereotypes that you build around pornography we feel like we are forced to view our pornography in solitude, just so we wont be judged by you.
ALL men watch porn. It's a simple fact, even if you think he doesn't believe me, he does, and more than you may think. It's something you ladies will just have to learn to live with. Just like we have learnt to live with your "headaches" and constant mood swings.
I hope I may have enlightened at least a few of you on why we REALLY view pornography. It's not because we don't love you, its because you aren't there for us in our time of need.
Sincerely and TRULY,
A REAL man
Trying to Understand - Hurt and Confused - Dec 15th 2009
I have always disliked pornography...at least the idea of my boyfriend watching it. The other day, I finished showering and when I walked into my room where my boyfriend was, he quickly tried to "hide himself." He tried to lie about the fact that he had just masturbated while watching pornography...and continued to tell lies, one after another, until he finally told me the whole truth. He started watching it recently because a friend showed him a certain search engine that doesn't require downloading anything.
The hardest part of this whole situation for me to understand is, why was he watching the pornography when I was available? It wasn't as though we were separated for a while and he felt lonely, he was sneaking to watch pornography, when I was right there! At one point, he was watching it while I was asleep on the couch next to him! And another time, we were hanging out before meeting up with some friends, and I checked the "history" later that week to find that he was even looking at that stuff during the short time before meeting our friends!
He has pictures of me from recent times that we've been intimate, and he takes these pictures for the purpose of looking at them later. But instead of looking at those, he looked at the pornography! He was deliberately going out of his way to watch videos and look at pictures of other girls! Not just videos of people engaging in sexual activities, but pictures of girls by themselves. Talk about making a girl feel bad! This new information made me feel ugly and not sexually appealing.
He couldn't come up with any explanations as to why he did this. I was hurt...in a deeper way than I can explain. I just don't understand why he would turn to pornography, if I'm right here?? I used to be okay with it - - Dec 8th 2009
My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts. We've been together for about 10 years now. He was my first and I was his second. We've always been physically attracted to each other and he has always been honest with me in terms of pornography. My b.f. and I enjoy porn together, re-enacting it and foreplay; I like to think we have a healthy love life.
But within this past year I've been feeling very self conscious. I think his porn watching has been hurting our sex life because he'll watch porn about two days in a row and not touch me for at least a week and a half. That hurts me because when we have sex during this week and a half, it's strictly "sex", meaning no foreplay, no connection, no anything; just in and out. Most times he orgasms and I'm left hanging. But if I give him some time after this week and a half, he'll be interested in the connection and love making, rather than just sex. So we started making appointments for sex to remedy this, but it's not working either.
I used to be okay with his porn watching but now it's making me feel inadequate. Recently he told me that it's because I take too long to orgasm so he tries to increase his stamina by 'working out' per say. Although it is true it takes me awhile, I can't help but feel cheated. I feel that it's my fault for making him feel de-masculined if that's the case, because after he orgasms first, he can't hold an erection anymore and he ends up feeling like he failed. Then he'll promise me next time but there's always a 75% chance he does it again. So the question is, if he's really trying to increase his stamina, why isn't it working? And second why sex for his enjoyment only then? I used to be okay with pornography but now I feel cheated. Hopefully you have some insight in my dilemma. Thanks in advance. Porn - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Nov 20th 2009
Hi James,
I want to thank you for your comment and state that it has a lot of merit.
In my opinion, its terrific that you and your girlfriend can view porn together and intergrate it into your mutual sex lives, to excite and enliven each other.
The other people on this site whose comments you have read, do not have this positive attitude because their men are viewing porn in secret, masturbating in secret and, in effect, are creating a secret life for themselves that excludes their wives or girlfriends.
Having pointed this out to you, I am also aware that there are those wives and girlfriends who totally disapprove of porn and reject any notion of viewing it with their partner for any reason. They are not wrong because there is no right or wrong on this issue...in my opinion.
Also, there are those couples who report that the wife or girlfriend has been invited to view the porn together and still find it objectionable.
Lastly, there is the very real problem of Internet porn being very addictive. In your case, you admit viewing it sometimes alone.
Lastly, lastly, Internet porn is not "Centerfold" types of stuff. If it was a matter of just being Playboy magazine, I do not think it would arouse such opposition. Instead, it is graphic, sometimes very violent and even exploits children and very young teenagers. Please do not take this to mean that I am against what you and your girlfriend are doing because I am not. It just a very complex topic.
Dr. Schwartz Correlation does not equal Causation - James - Nov 20th 2009
I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about two years now, and we occassionally (a few times a month) watch pornopgraphy together. Sometimes we watch it before we engage in any activity together as a "warm-up", other times we attempt to act out the acts or fantasies happening on screen. This adds a fun mixup to our sex, and we both enjoy it.
That being said, I view porn sometimes when my partner is not around. I've been reading a lot of comments that talk about how evil porn is, or how it destroys relationships, etc., and I think this is a case of people blaming the wrong thing. In the same way that guns don't kill people, pornogpahy doesn't kill relationships. My girlfriend is fully aware that I view porn when she is not around. She knows that the porn I view alone is sometimes 'stronger' than what we view together (or lesbian...she has no interest in that). She doesn't have a problem with me viewing this material; if she doesn't like what we're watching together, than we'll find something else, and if it's by myself, she doesn't really care.
The porn is just a fantasy. I think its completely wrong to assume that most people looking at porn are setting up webcam shows, or chatting inapproriately with people online, or whatever you people think porn-viewers have to gravitate towards. It's a fantasy to me, the same way my girl fantasies about random men or fantastical situations when she masturbates. Or the same way I fantasise about that random girl on the subway. This article does a good job of pointing out why so many women feel so betrayed by porn. Women need to realize (and men need to do a much better time relaying) that just because men view porn, doesn't mean they don't love you, you are not good enough, etc. It's not real. Would I love to have sex with other women? Of course. But I don't love them, and I would never do that. Because I love my girlfriend and she is more important to me than all of that crap.
So your man looks at some naked pictures of some centerfold when you aren't around. If he was dating that centerfold he would be looking at naked pictures of you when she wasn't around. The relationships in which porn creates problems is ones in which the partners are not emotionally capable of seperating reality and fantasy. I'm not saying this is their fault. There is a proverbial laundry list of reasons why porn can hurt relationships. But that doesn't mean porn has to hurt relationships, or that its the cause of angst in a relationship; the hurt feelings it causes are usually the result of previous inequities and 'cones of silence' between partners, and this is by no means just criticizing the female side of the equation.
My girlfriend and I enjoy biting, slapping, tying each other up, and sometimes acting out some pretty degrading acts to one another. Many of these acts we (or mostly I) first saw in porn. But, they're just fun sexual ideas; just because I slap her doesn't mean anything. In the context of our sexual roleplaying or adventure, its just another turn. When its done, we relay our feelings for each other, and what we just experienced. I'd say, in reference to porn, communication is really the key. In fact, it'd make everyone's sexual life a lot better in general, and help keep porn where it belongs, in fantasy, and not into the realm of reality where it affects relationships.
That's just my two cents. I suppose I should consider myself very lucky, that my partner and I are emotionally able to handle porn as part of our sexual and normal lives. I imagine most are not so lucky. Regardless, getting upset at porn is a little like shooting the messenger; it's the men and the women and their relationships that are causing problems; not the porn. The Producers of Pornography - Jon - Nov 19th 2009
I tend to agree with Tera's comments, porn seems to me to be something between a power drug and a vicious virus. I've been addicted for at least 23 years, and have been trying various physcological treatsments ever since I realized I was a porn-junkie (about 15 years). Am am also in a strong loving relationship, and now have a two year old son. My parner finds my addiction very upsetting but has been extremely supportive in my search for help. I am starting to think that there is no way out of this situation, that once you're "infected" with the virus that's it. It's not impossible to maintain a loving relationship but it does make things difficult. But my point is that women should recognize that their partners are indeed sick/ill and need help - if they are willing to acknowledge the problem.
And here's a note to all the upset, confused and disappointed women who've posted their comments here: you're reaction is completely understandable, you should not stand for this kind of behaviour from your partner. But - it seems to me - that most of you, in your search for someone to blame - have forgotten the Producers, the man (and sometimes women) who manufacuture this degrading drug, these are the people we should direct our anger (and, I recommend, violence event) towards. Your husbands and partners have been "targetted" by viscious imorral bastards who will do anything to squeeze a few buck out of susceptible men. As with drugs such as heroin, it's the producers who should be targetted, not the consumers (who are often merely victims).
In other words - would I would love it see is more action from all these women (and men, if they have the guts) to see pornographers put away for good (yes, I know that seems to contravene all our modern ideas about freedom of speech and freedom of expression, until we start recognizing pornography for what it really is - are heroin producers excercising their right to freedom of expression? in a way they are, but we consider their particular form of expression dangerous to our society - so we outlaw it). What about bringing pronographer to justice, protesting outside "sex" shops, etc.
Best wishes to all - from a very disappointed and disgrunteled member of our so-called enlightened society. Porn is Poisin to the Heart and Soul. - Tera Gamarmry - Nov 18th 2009
Personally I think porn is like a virus seeping further and further into our culture and media as technology advances. Porn, like a virus, is bad for you and it is better to just stay away from it. I think that a man in love doesn’t desire to think lustfully of other women. If fact, porn is very degrading to everyone, not only women. It clouds the mind and in a sense taints the sanctity of sex between two people in love. It is for exactly that men should not watch porn or defile the woman body with their animalistic and perverted ideas of sex. A real man can chose a different life style. I am not saying that if someone watches porn and is curious about it in their pubescent years it is a crime, but by the time you are an adult its time you start acting like one. If you are in a relationship you should act like it. The more you clean up your thoughts, the better sex will be with you significant other because it is much more intimate and i would also like to point out that porn has seeped into our media as we constantly see advertisements or pictures of women in subservient poses while men are in dominant ones and sometimes violence towards women is even idealized and seen as seductive. This is a problem. Violence towards women has increased due to this type of media and pornography. Our world should be better, we should be better. Its time for people to start waking up and realizing that this type of behavior is not only morally wrong but it is extremely degrading and gives into a negative reinforcing feedback loop, in which it just continues to get worse and worse. Would you want your daughters or mothers or wives to be thought of in this way? Those women are mothers, daughters and wives. Its time for a change and its time for men and women to respect each other because if we don’t start to respect each other things will just continue to get worse. I just recently came out of a pretty serious relationship and it was because I found out my boyfriend watched porn after I had asked him not to and not only that but imagine other girls he knew when he masturbated. This behavior is not okay, and I don’t stand for it. Quite frankly, I will lower myself or my expectations because of social norms, I will be the change I want to see in the world, and I will not go along with this degrading treatment or outlook of women.
-Tera. Stop - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Nov 5th 2009
Dear Angel,
This is only my opinion, of course, but, it sounds to me like it is a good thing that you learned all of this before the marriage and that you call off the entire thing. What you see is what you get and with the list of very real complaints you have, it makes no sense to enter into a marriage with this man. Again, this is my opinion.
Dr. Schwartz Just a website for everyone to visit - Sad at the world - Nov 5th 2009
I could write a long diatribe on why porn is destroying the love, respect and pure sexuality a man and a woman should have for each other, but instead, how about everyone hear from women who have been in the business. Here's a great site I wish all of you to read. Maybe the men reading this will think a little differently next time you whack off to a girl being sodomized by a rough, huge man.
http://www.shelleylubben.com/
THROWING UP OVER MY FIANCEE - Angel - Nov 2nd 2009
Although, I was able to gain some peace from your article, I feel as if my heart is literally puking due to the pain inside. My ability to understand is rapidly diminshing as well as my emotional well-being.
My fiancee of 3 years and I maintained a long distance relationship until a year ago when he proposed to me. I left my job, family and life to be with him. Prior to moving he would make the 1000 mile round-trip journey every weekend to come visit me. There was no doubt in my mind that he adored me and I felt the same. We discussed or morals....values...EVERYTHING.
About a year into our relationship, I discovered that he was spending a lot of time viewing porn. We discussed it and he promised me that it would NEVER be an issue again.
Recently, I traveled back to my home state for a two week visit. When I returned I discovered that not only had he viewed porn, he contacted a woman who was offering to PLEASE him and she provided him with her hotel room # and he might have spent the night with her. I also discovered that he sent explicit pictures of himself to her and she to him. Just as I was attempting to digest this....two days later, I learned that he posted an explicit ad seeking sexual pleasure from MEN and was emailing explicit emails to them!!!! I confronted him with these issues and he denies going to meet the woman at the hotel and he says that he doesn't know why he seeks the attention of MEN when he feels lonely.?!?!?!! He blames it on the fact that he grew up without a father. He admits that he was with a TRANS SEXUAL once!!!!???? How can he be a straight???
My mind is trashed at this point. I can't make sense of it. Now, I am starting to doubt everything. I freak out when he goes over to a male friend's house without me. I'm always thinking disgusting thoughts about what they are REALLY doing. I question everything about who is really is and I walk around ANGRY, mumbling stuff under my breath to him. My 16 yr old nephew came to visit and I refused to let him be alone with him.
The problem isn't he ego or shame. He is extremely large downstairs and I have compromised my thoughts re sex to please him. He is extremely rough sexually, even to the point to where he actually breaks my hair from grabbing it so hard or leaves me with bruises on my body. At 6'5" he over-powers me.
Lately, I've noticed that he ALWAYS has his hand in his underwear fondling his member for long periods of time when he is lying on the couch under the blanket and it DISGUSTS me. It's far beyond "just adjusting" because he puts his hand down the back of his pants too and feels his behind.
I was married for 14 years and had only 2 sexual partners before meeting my fiancee. Now....I was just informed that I have HPV and have been developing large bumps on my rear!!!!
What is going on here? Is my fiancee SICK in the head or just confused??? I do not know what to do. I have become so paranoid now that I get irrate when women are nude on TV. I immediately look over to see any signs of arousal and I then start lashing out because it triggers the thoughts of the porn....men....etc. Every where we go I think he is visualizing having sex with any one he sees. Tonight, after a nice day together, a goth looking girl on TV was nude and I blurted "Oh...no wonder you wanted to watch this". That was triggered because one of his porn sites was all goth looking women!
I feel as if I am going insane and it's eating me up.
Can you shine any type of light on why he is doing this? Is he a sexual addict? Should I run to save myself? I've tried to read books to help me understand this and no matter....I just can't. He is so loving, sweet and kind, so it's hard for me to even believe that he has done this. Maybe that's why I am soooooo confused???
Pornographic DVD - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Oct 29th 2009
Hi Confused,
Indeed, you must have been shocked when you turned on your DVD player to be confronted by the pornographic images of two strangers having sex.
However, I am not sure why you did not confront your husband? I choose to use a gentler word than "confront," and would rather use "discuss and talk about."
The fact that the two of you are married for only three years and sex is infrequent reflects the fact that something is not right. Evidently, your husband is viewing pornography and masturbating instead of having sex with you, his wife. Why?
Perhaps something is wrong in your sexual and personal relationship with one another, or, your husband prefers the isolation of masturbation, for some reason.
I suggest that the two of you start discussing these issues and, if necessary, seek marriage psychotherapy so that the two of you can find your way towards real intimacy with each other.
Dr. Schwartz here's my dilema - confused - Oct 29th 2009
Last year I was feeling romantic and wanted to view my wedding video (only 3 years old). I put the disk into the lap top, pressed "now playing" expecting to see my beautiful wedding dress. What appeared instead were 2 people have sex, and it wasn't my husband or me. Holy Cow! I didn't confront him, rather, I watched to see what turns him on. Latley, he has been viewing teasers; women who are scantily dressed or partially nude. So here's my dilema. If I emulate this behavior, is he seeing me or the women in the video when we are having sex? We have sex very infrequently and I don't know what to do. -Confused intimacy - anon - Oct 28th 2009
you do not cover much of the loss of intimacy that i have found is a big part of my feelings about my husband's internet porn use. i feel he is unable to view sex as anything but aggressive and visually stimulating. he is a sweet and tender and loving person, but these feelings do not seem to enter the realm of sex, ever. he explains to me that these worlds simply do not cross for him, and perhaps do not for most men, but after having discovered his porn use (30 minutes to 1 plus hours almost every day, sometimes leaving our bed when he thinks i asleep), i wonder what effect this consumption has on his ability to see sex as an intimate act as well as a more animalistic one. i have worked hard to accept his desire for more aggressive and intense sexual engagement, but he does not seem able to return the favor of pushing himself to find more intimate ways of sexual expression. i considered my previous sexual relationships powerfully sexual, and do not think of myself as a prude, and certainly had NO issues of self-esteem in terms of my sexuality before this relationship. it is his rejection of my more sensual desires (which do not exclude orgasm, or have to be deeply spiritual, though he accuses me of this), and i do tend to feel deeply wounded when i hear him leaving our bed, or see that he has yet again deleted his browsing history. someone needs to define the line that is crossed between a casual interest in porn, and a daily need. i know the the addiction line is 11 plus hours a week, but as a father and a full time worker, there just aren't enough hours in the day. i think a daily ritual of porn use (in his case, he is obsessed with female wrestling) speaks to something beyond healthy. and now, having uncovered it quite by accident, i am forced to be the one to broach the issue and be understanding. how unfair. just wondering - lulu - Oct 27th 2009
Hi
I have been with my bf for 12 years now,I knew he looked at porn when we met did not know how much, but I figured I was not there as he was 5000 miles away from me I thought no biggy.but when he moved out to me and moved in with me I figured it would stop because he had me,I denided him nothing as I enjoy sex myself.I started noticing him talking to other women sexually and some porn but I put a stop to that pretty quick ...so I thought it went on for many years with us both fighting over it. but this pasy year he started having a sexual word fling with a very young girl. I cought on and he kept dening it so i bot webwatcher to monitor his conputer and wowsers the stuff i really got to see him doing blew me away. I confrunted him about it all was he ever mad at me for snooping so he says. and the things he does with his body is none of my buisness ect ect.. so much porn hours at a time. i just agree with all the gals on here . feels so good to know I'm not alone about this, he keeps telling me its all in my head or its normal for guysd.. the pain is unbareable.. wewre not even talking right because of this porn....please help me.. oh lulu is a name of one of my little gal games I used to play with my bf, not anymore no way outfits in the trash now .... Confused - Emotionally distressed - Oct 26th 2009
I know that men will watch or read stories about porn, but i just recently found out that my husband has been reading stories about sex with animals(beastality, I think that is what it is called) I am sick over this. I confronted him about this and he says its normal ever guy does it. I know it is not true. I am just so sick over this, i kicked him out. I have a hard enough time with the lies over regular porn but to me this is just to much. Please someone tell me something. Is this normal?
Dr. Dombeck's Note: "Normal" is something that is culturally defined and shifts over time. I'm not any sort of scholar on this subject, but it is evident that the normal intensity and extremity of the porn available today is greater than the porn of say 20 years ago. These days it is fairly normal, for example, to see hardcore depictions including oral and anal sex. These kinds of images are freely available in fact. This intensity of material was available years ago but it was expensive and much harder to come by and so fewer people consumed it. The internet has leveled the playing field in important ways, making it easier for this level of material to become commonplace. Even so, I think that certain categories of porn are still considered extreme and above-and-beyond normal. These would include bestiality, bondage/dominance and, of course, child porn. The above being the long answer, the short answer is that it's pretty normal for adult men (and teenaged boys) to consume porn in the West, but the intensity of porn that your husband is consuming is probably more extreme than most of his peers are consuming. THEY'RE ALL DOGS - - Oct 21st 2009
Any man who denies not watching porn is either gay or a liar. My significant other denies watching porn = meanwhile his cable bill lists the title, time and price. When questioned about it, he denies it, saying I clicked do not purchase and those idiots charged me. I intend to have monthly magazines of PLAYGIRL on the coffee table!!!!!!! Breech of trust - - Oct 18th 2009
If you know that your partner has been engaged in pornography ....and we know what that leads to..... the problem is that you don't know what LEVEL he has taken this to. When he is away from you, has he enjoyed the quick daliance of a blow job in the back seat of a car??? Is he a perpetual oggler? Does he love woman so much that he goes on line and lines up a quick 15 minute quickie somewhere? Pornography is a lie and so is the relationship. DO YOU KNOW WHY PORN CAUSES SO MUCH PROBLEMS??? IT CAUSES MISTRUST!!!! Porn is a mild excuss for what REALLY might be happening!!! Thats why there are so many busy detectives out there! I have a message for you guys out there....before you engage....is it worth loosing your wife/girlfriend/the giving up of your children/giving up 1/2 of your savings/humiliation in court/friends ETC. ETC. ETC? ****SOLUTION*** ZIP IT UP! STOP THE LIES!....or be lonely for the rest of your life, because no one in there right mind wants a mistrusting, masterbating, cheat for a partner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brain Science - DL29 - Oct 16th 2009
This is not a moral or religious debate like many claim or believe it is. Rather this is a humanistic mental health debate. Internet pornography is not what traditional porn is.
Pornography is a drug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It releases more powerful Nero-chemicals in the brain than any street drug on the market. It is stronger then any drug we know of because sexual hormones such as oxytocin strengthen the addiction process further beyond what street drugs can do. How do I know? I am a sex researcher and therapist for sex offenders and addicts.
One might ask “well what’s wrong with being addicted to porn?” Let me explain what’s happening in this process.
The limbic brain takes over the frontal cortex in-order to handle the overload of sexual stimuli and actually enjoy the sexual experience. The frontal cortex is primarily what defines human beings apart from animals and the limbic brain is the animal part of the brain. The frontal lobes are where we reason, process and think rationally. Eventually the frontal lobes shrink with the increase use of pornography viewing and become more and more deactivated in-order to enjoy the sexual experience and achieve climax with porn. So a humans ability to reason out why certain pornographic images and videos are unhealthy, like child porn, incest, or rape for example, eventually means nothing any longer to the brain.
What is happening today? Obsessive addiction unlike we've ever seen in our world’s history. Sure we see addiction all the time but this has become a pandemic. More than 2,500 porn sites go up weekly. 65% of all internet data is porn. More than 80% of women surfers take their addiction offline and act it out. 1 in 6 women develop an addiction. 86% of men are likely to click on porn sites. 1 in 5 children who go into chartrooms are approached by pedophiles. 20% of all internet porn is child pronography. More than 140,000 images of child pornography and more then 1,000 images of child abuse are posted every six weeks. The adverage age of child porn is 6 to 12, however toddler porn and baby porn are growing in creaseing demand. Incest porn is growing even faster. Ages 12-17 is the largest consumer of internet pornography. 1 out of 5 men and 1 out of 8 women admitted to accessing porn on the internet while at work. Internet porn sites have become so perverse that adult porn stores cannot legally have its contents in their shops. Additionally, there are over 4.2 million known separate porn websites.
I wish I could say that these findings are exaggerated but unfortunately they are conservative and more outdated as of 2007. For more research investigation reports go to http://nationalcoalition.org
Rape, incest, animal sexual abuse, child pedophilia and murder have increased with the nerologically influenciential use of pornography. Traditional pron has grown from basic nudity into increasing graphic perverseness in order to keep individuals hooked and increase profits. After interviewing many criminals, what is the number one linking factor between them? PORNOGRAPHY!!!!! They say it began with pornography that painted a rosy picture of what women and men want or should want. These are also criminals in prison who never thought they would have gone down the path they did. They believed pornography was harmless, until eventually they lost there frontal cortex reasoning skills. If you think you are any different from them then think again. Though there are differences within the frontal cortex from person to person, human beings each have the same limbic brain, and when the limbic brain is activated to extreme levels as it is when viewing pornography over time the frontal cortex has little chance to fight back and the limbic brain rains supreme no matter how strong your moral convictions are. Literally a dehumanizing process begins and the animal brain rains supreme.
I have not as of yet studied enough the impact of couples viewing this material together on the brains reward system and nerological outcomes. I have heard that porn can loose some power with the mutual inter-relational exceptance and forplay. However, I have also had many couples who claim that when they have done this together, eventually the wife still realizes her husband is not making love with her but rather to the computer and she is simply the parts for the job. If a couple has a fulfilling sexual life without porn and chooses to try something new, that is a very different situation, though should be cautioned for verious reasons.
Regardless, the increasing desensitization that potnography is OK, esspecially in all its forms, is signaling that the limbic brain is incrementally taking over our reasoning abilities and reflects the vast epidemic we have on our hands. There is a serious concern.
Many argue this is a debate about RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, MORAL CODES, FREEDOM OF SEXUAL EXPRESSION, and FREEDOM OF SPEECH. NO, it’s much deeper then that. This is a scientifically ethical debate on weather or not our human species will recognize this dehumanizing process in time to stop it.
If you believe I am being extreme in some way, do the research and learn what this 20 billion dollar a year business doesn’t want you to know in regards to the addiction of pornography.
poisoning our better judgement - Alyssa - Sep 24th 2009
As a young woman struggling to find balance between letting her partner be himself and making sure I am in a happy, healthy relationship, I found this article to be the most insightful and objective on the internet. I think it is too incredibly true that society has placed such a strong stereotype on men as well as women. One of the biggest myths that most people believe is that men have a much greater sex drive than women. Even with the sexual revolution and feminism, societal pressures still discourage women from expressing their desires. Women think about sex, desire it, and enjoy it just as much as a man would. Why WOULDN'T we?!
It is also deplorable that whenever a woman has an issue with her partner viewing porn, it either turns to her having a low self esteem, or the "all guys do it, so get over it" philosophy. Not all men do, and nearly all woman dislike it, so does that mean all men should "get over it" and stop watching? And either gender, regardless of the level of esteem, would probably feel at least a twinge of unhappiness that their partner is seeking out sexual images of other people. And that is the devil in the detail for me: that these are not innocent fantasies created by a needy mind or body. They are sought out. Sometimes tirelessly searched for.
For me, there is nothing "natural" about a man in a relationship seeking out images or videos of highly sexualized woman performing sexual acts. Seeing a pretty woman walk by and noticing her or fantasizing about beautiful celebrities is natural and normal. In no way do I want to control the way my boyfriend thinks or what he thinks about. I also would not discourage him from masturbation, which I also view as completely normal. I also don't mind watching pornography with my boyfriend as a form of foreplay.
There is no hypocrisy there. I love my boyfriend and want to explore all aspects of sex and sexuality. But I prefer that intimacy to be between us and primarily derived by the ideas and images of us together. I also don't think a boyfriend/husband would be particularly thrilled to know their girlfriend/wife was having orgasms to the images of other men. If a man requires that much variety in his sexual experiences, maybe he isn't ready for a monogomous relationship. I don't think that that is a woman who is being unreasonable or controlling.
Men and women need to stop bringing each other down with sterotypes perpetrated by the media. Compare popular magazines geared toward women (i.e. Cosmopolitan) and toward men (i.e. Maxim) and the strikingly different positions they take toward relationships and ways each gender should relate toward each other. And they are with the same publisher! Its great to try to think of these as "just magazines" but these ideas get in and stay in our minds, poisoning our better judgement. trying to understand - Jjross5017@yahoo.com - Sep 9th 2009
I am 60, my husband is 59. Since 1998 I discovered my husband is looking at internet porn. He now tries to overcome it by adopting a public naturist or nude lifestyle when possible in our society. He has tried to quit looking at porn. I tolerate his lapses into porn and his walking around the house and other places acceptable, nude. My health has not been good for a long time and especially I have been depressed and very physically ill since I found out about the porn and this issue with the nudity everyday of our lives. I have talked with him about the issues but he persists. I simply do not understand him nor his behavior. It really makes me ill to live with him. I would leave if I had a place to go and could take care of myself.We live a rather secluded lifestyle and I would really like to have the blinds open during the day except he cannot for concern someone might see him walking around nude. We can't have anyone living with us because of his nudity. We live far away from our children and grandchildren and they cannot drop in. I try to understand what he is going through and how he thinks but I don't. Can you please tell me what is going on; he can't. Pissed - Melanie - Sep 5th 2009
I've been married for almost 7 years and the whole 7 years my husband not only watches porn but he likes to look at naked women in magazines (Playboy, etc.). We have had many fights and in the past couple of days I've had a feeling that he has been looking at this crap again. I am seriously thinking about leaving him. I'm just tired of all this BS. I have asked him a billion times to stop but he will not listen, if he doesn't care about about me or my feelings then I could care less about his. Men Rule Women - John O - Aug 20th 2009
I wanted to say, as a 43 year old male, that porn is the last frontier of male domination. I am glad for this.
It started with allowing women to vote (god how I wish I could go back and change THAT) and has led to the de construction of civilized society.
Allowing women too much freedom is what will lead to the end of western civilization.
The one area I think the Muslims are on track is they way they dominate their women; this is needed. Women are naturally very loose and without the guiding hand of superior males they many times go down the path of self-destruction, taking society with them.
Porn lets men who feel as if their authority has been taken away (it has) feel in charge. It feels good to see a woman in a degrading position in bed to men who have other areas of domination stripped.
Women now dominate men in so many ways: the way the money is spent, who to vote for, when or if they will get sex. They cheat and tell their husbands to get lost if they do not like it. The women get the kids even though men often make more. The courts actually make fathers who are not the bio father pay child support "in the best interest of the child" (an exception is Georgia). After the fall of western nations, in the next 100 years or so the male domination may begin to come back.
I personally dominate my women: they do what I say when I say. But I am not harsh. I have a firm hand and to cross me is wrong but they know that my word is final and that I protect them. When I see a woman talking in a mans world, in a male role, I just internally chuckle and imagine her naked; I do this in the course of business throughout the day and even if I see one on TV. I almost pee my pants when I see a girl prentending to be cop. When I see female officers on the street I just think "poor girl, brainwashed by society".
As whacko as all the above sounds, I also believe we need to de populate the earth by developing an xray device that we will drop on third world countries untile we have cut the world population by at least 2/3.
Editor's Note: The clinical term for a guy like yourself is very likely "Narcissist". Watching Porn of teenage girls masterbating - Katina - Aug 17th 2009
Hi,
I have a friend who is 62, he said he didn,t know if he could get or sustain an errection but he secretly watches porn of very young looking teenage girls masterbating close ups. He also watches gang bangs of submisive looking Asian women who sound like seals and with quite a few men with vibrators and others mastrbating and ejaculating over them and at times quite agresive looking. Some times he watches bondage or lesbian school girl and older adult woman porn or 2 men and one woman but never seems to watch porn with a fully developed woman and rarely one on one sex and if he does the woman is perfoming oral sex and doing what ever the man wants and not recieving sex.
My friend did have a 15 year old girlfriend when he was 28 years old and they were married for 24 years till she couldnt stand him and left. He then got a Chinese woman off a dating site in China and married her but she leeft after about a year. My friend told me he used to stay up and night and had to watch he didn,t have sex with her as he was so horny which didnt, make sence at the time and I told him it sounded like he was witholding affection as she,d be in bed at night. since finding out he watches porn I wonder if that didn,t have a bad effect on his marriage,s as he told me he got a computer a while before his first marriage ended.As my friend says he has a problem with errections I was wondering if pron causes sexual dysfunction or is it the sexaully dysfunctional who watch porn? Can any one tell me whats going on with this 62 year old man, did he not mature sexually or have some sexual devient tendencies? Is it a couse for concern that he watches girls younger than his daughters and just a few years older than his grandaughters masterbating tem selve,s on amature free porn? Dumped! - - Jul 31st 2009
I am proud to say that 2 months ago i ended my 8 year relationship & i'm with a guy who respects me & my body & i've never felt happy & can't believe i wasted the last god knows how many years with a guy who cares about nothing but his computer!!!!! He knows how i feel about his porn & continued to do it, i was unhappy & i did something about it ... i dumped him & its the best move i've made and another thing i aint giving him a 2nd chance i gave him several warnings & he refused to listen so thats that! here's to the future guys!!!!:) not true of everyone - - Jul 25th 2009
Hi Alice,
I do not disagree with you in that what you state may be true of some men and some women. However, it is not true of everyone. For instance, there are husbands and wives who watch porn together because it "turns them on." Also, the secrecy that many men use in watching porn is motivated by much more compex reasons than being disrespectful to their wives. Believe it or not, some of those men feel ashamed of themselves and are too humiliated about it to ever admit watching it.
Human behavior is complex and people do things for many different reasons.
Dr. Schwartz NOT love - alice - Jul 25th 2009
men watch porn in secret, because they know it pisses their wife off. simple as that. they dont want to get caught.how do you say i love you to someone, and then do something that clearly is not an act of love? watching porn makes your wife feel degraded, humiliated, betrayed, undesirable, etc. you KNOW it makes her feel this way, yet you continue to do it anyway. that is NOT love. 'Born out of shame,' but... - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Jul 24th 2009
I tend to agree with one of the sentiments you expressed in your comment, that "the world has gone mad." Who can argue with that. Is certainly seems so to most of us.
However, when it comes to human sexuality, there is a great variety of behaviors that people engage in willingly that others do not. It is not fair to judge the sexual behaviors of other people as long as the people involved are adult, fully consenting, behaving within the law and not making a public nuisance of themselves.
Historically, there always have been willing partners who engaged in role play of one type or anther, in their bedroom and have willingly and happily engaged in spanking and etc. That is there right as long as their behavior fits the criteria just mentioned.
Dr. Schwartz born out of shame - - Jul 24th 2009
Why would I ever participate in something that is born out of shame and so convoluted as porn....slapping, spanking....please....what ever happened to love? This is so seriously off base it's not even funny. Being the whore is a job for someone else. I wasn't born into this world to be anyone else's whore...least of all my husband. This world has gone mad. He won't give up his porn - Sarah - Jul 17th 2009
My husband and I have been together for eight years. Ever since we met he has had a fascination with porn, at first I tried to laugh it but it started to become a real issue making me feel inadequate and hurt. We have spoken many times about this, had huge arguments where I have made threats to leave and he promises he'll stop. He has not done this. I have tried to understand the reasons but now I'm feeling he needs to sort this out himself, he is damaging my self-esteem and I now need to look after myself. I still love him, but no longer wish to have sex with him, I can't help thinking I'm not coming up to scratch to what he is watching. His fantasties are not mine, and whilst I have tried to be open-minded he seems to totally lack any understanding about what I want or need from our relationship. I feel our relationship is doomed. He refused counselling and we have now moved to the other side of the world to start a new life...only problem is the old problems are still with us and ruining any chance of a new start. We have two young children, and he is a good father, but I want them to grow up with a positive attitude and learn to treat women with respect and tenderness, I'm not sure they will get that from him. For me I have some big decisions to make though feel better for reading this article and readers comments. It has made me feel that I am not alone with this, it's not me being a frigid cow or unreasonable and that the problem lies with him, not me. Thank you try marriage counseling first - - Jul 16th 2009
Hi Cat and everyone,
The only thing I would caution is to try marriage counseling first, before the major step of leaving and of divorce. Of course, leaving does send a strong message but marriage counseling is, in my opinion, a better first step. If all else fails, then head for the door.
Dr. Schwartz A partner who refuses to stop using porn... - Cat - Jul 16th 2009
The only thing to do with a partner who refuses to stop using porn despite knowing how it makes you feel is to leave them.
Life is too damn short to spend in relationships that make us unhappy. the way i see it - tay - Jul 11th 2009
im at work al day i come to find my husband was looking at porn while i am working he is unemployed thats the bad part of it all. i never thought that will be the break up of my relatonship my husbands gets mad at me for being perfect, i dont cheat, i work, i have 2 kids by him, and im tired of the direspect and him turing it all on my when clearly this causes fights and arguments and being caught doing it sometimes when im sleeping what do i need to do? It's not any negative reflection on you... - John - Jul 10th 2009
I read the article with interest, because it struck so many chords with me. I'm not a woman-abusing misogynist, a sex-pest or sad pervert - actually, I'm a loving husband, good friend, and huge supporter of my wife in pretty much everything. Yet....I have a compulsion to view some fetishist online porn. It excites me. Why? Good question. From what I've read recently, the descriptions of the Madonna/Whore complex are frighteningly accurate - so much so, I'm going to seek therapy and hope to rid myself of this destructive psychological problem. As with previous girlfriends, who were 'perfect' on paper, and who I couldn't have been closer to - I simply couldn't get aroused, or I ran away when sex was on offer - definitely not normal adolescent/young male behaviour. They were attractive, beautiful sometimes, but I found it very difficult to get spontaneously aroused. Add lipstick, heels, and start to be flirtatious - and it was almost like a switch went in my head. But naked, cuddled up in bed, I felt deep safety and contentment, but not much passion at all. So I sought solace, alone, in the internet. I felt guilty, shamed and confused. Why couldn't satisfy my partner? Why did I find these images appealing? What was wrong with me?
Needless to say, this doesn't apply to all men who view pornography - far from it - but in my case, it's real and I've only just discovered what the root cause is. I desperately hope that therapy will help me to resurrect a normal sex life with my wife, who I adore.
This may strike some chords with others, I don't know - but don't just brand every male who views pornography as a sad scumbag, or reflect any judgement on your own looks or performance. It's quite probably that they love you and find you attractive - so much so, perhaps, that they have to fantasize about 'whores', over whom they don't feel guilty.... His porn addiction.. - Justdon'tknowwhattodo.... - Jul 7th 2009
I am woman in my mid-30's, 2 children from a previous marriage, another on the way in this new marriage. I am educated, thoughtful and honest...When we first started dating I realized that porn was a big part of his life and thought it would be easily erradicated by me talking to him. Now, all I feel is anger, sadness, shame...he claims that I should be open to this, that its natural for "all men" to do this...to view this...he does it in secrecy....he works from a home office a lot of the time...has a lot of time to go on line. He is a techie, is savy...has his computer locked up like Fort Knox...its off limits to me...he says what I don't know should not bother me...claims that this is not being brought into our marriage if its in privacy....HELLO! Its in our marriage b/c I know he is doing it...I hate it...makes me feel terrible. When I was young I was exposed to elicit material that was not suitable, it now bothers me as an adult woman...perhaps if it were not so much a part of his life I would not be bothered by it, but I am now hypersensitive to the situation! When I moved into his home I realized it was everywhere, cds with thousands of pictures (no joke), movies...magazines....all over his Myspace, everywhere I turned.....In the bedroom he is very "traditional" almost boring.....I am not too wild, but interested enough in experimentation....he is not into that...he must be fullfilling all this while he is viewing his porn....cartoon porn, real life...teens, etc. gross....help help help help...I am 6 months pregnant and ready to walk away from my marriage, this being one of the major reasons. He does not care how this impacts me, how it bothers me,....he thinks I am not computer savy, unplugs cords inside the unit...etc. Well, I figure stuff out, get in the damn thing and realize what he is doing....I don't tell him I found it anymore b/c he goes hog wild on me...I know I am being intrusive...but I don't trust him...it goes on and on and on.....lie after lie after lie...I agree that many, many of these women are from compromised backgrounds and end up in these porn situations...they too are victims...men view them as objects, they jerk off in private to these pictures and images and mini clips...sick....if one spouse is really upset by the others actions...and that spouse does not care? What do you do? This is where I draw the line and feel like throwing in the towel...looking for some sound advice? Thanks for reading...I know I could go on and on and on.... I am extremely confused and yet upset. Can someone please advice me. - - Jun 30th 2009
When I found out that my hubby liked 2 watch porn. He denied it, and would try to confuse me by lying about the door being locked. When I found all his movies which were worth about $5000.00, he got upset because he said I was to F'n curious. When I was pregnant w/ my 2nd child we only had sex twice in 9 months. I felt unwanted and horrible. This has been going on for ten years but every time it gets worst. I don't know what 2 do. He says he is a man & thats what men do. I am so upset because he sleeps during the day but watches movies all night long. When I go out instead of going w/ me he stays home but I know he watches porn because I have the password to the website. I have gotten 2 the point that I cannot take it. I am attractive, young, maintain myself in good shape, and I am very outgoing, as well as open minded when it comes to sex. What can be wrong w/him. I feel guilty, yet overwhelmed by the whole situation. The worst thing is that I can't function well around my kids because I am always in a bad mood. I am beginning to form some sort of hate against him. At times I wish he could just find someone else, have an affair & leave, so that I would feel no guilt if we got divorced & the kids would not look @ me like the evil witch. I'ved told him that porn is ok but with moderation. I am willing to watch it with him but he'll tune in for 5 mins & then turn it off. I feel that he cheats on me mentally so I have been thinking about cheating on him physically. I am a serious woman & I don't like 2 mess around. However, I feel so ugly & unable to satify him that I feel that if I go all the way with someone it will save my sanity. Please can someone give me an advice. Anger - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Jun 27th 2009
Hello Sue,
Your feelings of hurt and anger about men who view pornorgraphy are very understandable. You observations about pornography exploiting women are quite correct and on target. However, when people are very angry about an issue it becomes easy for them to misunderstand some of what they are reading and hearing about that issue.
The article is not meant, in any way to be used as an excuse for viewing pornography. Quite to the contrary, the purpose of the article was mean to convey the notion that there needs to be a way for couples who are plagued by this problem, to find a way to find some resolution or peace.
That is why I am concerned about some of your angry comments. You appear to be extremely angry at men, half of the human race, and to attribute to them no other motives than sexual lust and the wish to dominate and enslave women.
That stereotypical view of men is as valid as all stereotypical views: it is distorted, incorrect and invalid. The reason is that your view bears no connection to the way men and women are, in the real world.
I hope you come to have better experiences with men and in your life.
Dr. Schwartz nothing more than an excuse - Sue - Jun 27th 2009
Ok, a few of the psychological aspects I can agree on. However, this article is nothing more than an excuse for men to view porn and for women once again have to try to be convinced that it is acceptable to put up with this disrespectful behavior from their loved one in their relationship. When I am in a relationship with someone, I don't care for my partner to be viewing an erection on a women's face or a women's breast, fantasizing over some women who is just barely 18 (In some cases may not be yet) or a woman that might have been brought up in an abusive home or doesn't obviously care about herself and needs the help to get off the website in the first place. I am tired of always hearing about how things should be accepted and that morals and values are thrown out the doors these days. So, how linked is the person who wrote the article to porn themselves and what kind of income can they make from writing it? A majority of porn is degradation of women in some ways and it is just a way for men to justify another unequal approach for women in their lives to have control when women finally in this world are moving up in the world in some ways. The truth is, not all, but most men don't want women to be an equal so it is easier to have porn sites where two women are together or, two women with a man where they are being controlled, or be degraded...and oh, by the way, lets just justify it on top of that, huh? Get real. Why doesn't have this world get some values for once in their life and start realizing that this porn stuff is not only a disrespectful way to be towards someone in your relationship...it is a sick way to fill your own mind and soul. Shame Standup. - - Jun 18th 2009
I would like to assure the person who posted "Shame Standup" and everyone else that there is no time limit on the Internet. We read the comments to articles posted regardless of how long ago the article was written. Really, the Internet is timeless in that way. So, yes, I have read your comment and thank you for posting.
Dr. Schwartz shame stand up - - Jun 18th 2009
I realize that your post was made in 2008 and perhaps will never see this reply, but id like to thank you for taking the time out to write what you did. It brought tears to my eyes.
thanks for sharing So common :( - - Jun 17th 2009
This is by far the best article on this subject I've seen. I appreciate all of the feedback/opinions also. This has been the most disturbing thing to find my hubby looking at. I find myself flirting to make him jelous now, how sick is that? How did this happen to "us"? Been together since 1995, I thought we had a relationship to be envied, now, I just feel deflated & utterly betrayed. they are all jack off philistines - - Jun 10th 2009
I meam c'mon - they are not little boys in the bath tub. One or two clicks and off come the clothes - they suck for not caring but we are suckers for putting up with it! Again - - Apr 24th 2009
I have caught my boyfriend several times with it, and he knows I dispise porn..it dosent matter how mad I get, he continues to behind my back.. addiction... - - Apr 22nd 2009
For those of you who believe that it is okay for your spouse or significant others to be viewing porn have another thing coming. I nearly ruined my marriage and I was ready to walk out the door even with a toddler and another on the way. It is completely unacceptable and is a problem. When viewing pictures and movies are no longer exciting it will then lead to a physical act with another person and will only cause more problems. you just have to get mad - kay - Mar 12th 2009
LuLu is right on...they will not stop, no matter how much they know you are hurting from it. you just have to get mad... Husband watching Porn - LuLu - Mar 8th 2009
Your husband will not stop watching porn even though you tell him you don't want him to and hurts you and you feel humiliated. He may actually prefer fantasy to a real relationship with you. He'll tell you he only does it for fun and he may even promise you he'll stop. He won't! You've also got to stop feeling humiliated and get MAD. You need to decide whether you want to continue live with a lying scumbag. Unless he stops, you'll be better off without him. (I'm sure you don't want to hear that.) I got my husband to stop by copying the names of all the websites he visited; also checking the credit card charges for membership he had paid for. It's not to hard to learn user names and passwords...you can check his e-mail too. I copied all the info and presented it to him & told him I was sending it to all his friends, co-workers, our adult children if he didn't stop. I was not listening to his excuses and lies any longer. He admitted he would be embarassed and humilited if I did that, he din't think he could handle it. Well DuH! How did he make me feel? Now he has somewhat of a clue about the consequences of this actions. He still reads erotic stories sometimes, but no longer downloads pictures and stories about men fu***** their sister-in-laws, mother-in-laws, baby sitters, family dog, etc. & how understaing his wife is about all this. I also will not tolerate downloads or handwritten notes lying around the house for me to find about authors & stories he want to revisit. Believe it or not, he wants to please me; I think I also scared the sh** out of him. If he didn't? What would I do? I would tell everyone about his addiction. It probably will lead to divorce, but I no longer want a porn addicted husband. I wish I had done this 20 years ago. ACT NOW or you will always have a problem........actually it's his problem, but he doesn't see it that way. He wants you to think you have the problem. This is what men do... - - Feb 1st 2009
I wish my husband was more discreet on the computer in his home office. I can see the naked buxom women when I walk by. I am starting to feel afar emtionally from my husband. I will still be a dutiful and respectful wife. I am 44, at an age where I am no longer going to try to compete with these women. I talked to my husband at great length how I do not expect fidelity but how loyalty to me means being discreet with his actions. The man who said he would not stop viewing pornography is, at least, being honest. its always there in the back of my mind - - Jan 30th 2009
me and my boyfriend have sex all the time but he still looks at porn he has it on his phone and look at it on the internet... i HATE it and i told him how i felt about it a few months ago he stoped for a while bu he started saveing it on his phone again and looking at it on the internet .. i just dont understand why he dose it when he knows it makes me feel like im not good enough for him it really depresses me about myself and it makes me feel like i cant trust him... i makes me feel like i dont do enough for him in bed.. when he knows i am willing to do anything with him i just dont get it then i feel like a bad girlfriend going through all his stuff i compleltly trust him i know e wouldnt cheat on me but i jst cant help thinking it could happen i mean if hes looking at porn he might be doing other shit i dont know about..... - - Jan 3rd 2009
i dont know...i feel so unwanted! i dont want my husband touching me or having sex with me. i feel so far apart from him. he is looking to see if he can see sexy white girls? how am i to feel? shame isnt the beginning. when i was pregnant, my husband was looking at porn. he promised to stop. he started again. i love him, but i feel grossed out. i feel him is touching me and he is thinking of those girls he was looking at. i dont think our relationship will ever be the same as when we were younger. seduced at 15 - jerry - Dec 20th 2008
I am a male of 53 years of age. when i was 15 one of my mothers freinds saduce at her house she took me home with her on the pretense that she wanted me to spend time with her daughter who was lonley. She kept making strange suggestions on the way to her house but i was so nieve i did not catch on. When we arrived at her house she said that she was unable to wear bra's because of some lump on her back just under her arm and she oroceded to pull her top down and exposed herself. I was petrofied and told myself that she must be like those african weman who don;t view the breasts as anything sexual. i did not dare touch anything not even myself. She kept telling me about her experiences in jamaica and how if i had known how she conducted herself that i might think her a whore. By this time i am feeling uncomfortable because i feel that she is trying to tell me something but at the same time my upbringing tells me that what ever she is trying to do is wrong. Not only that but this is my mothers freind and to make matters worse we were at church just a couple of hours earlier. We were only supposed to have lunch and go back to church. She kept on asking me questions about my girl friends and was i doing any thing with them. i was not doing any thin with anybody, but according to her boys had to get that stuff out shees what the hell was she talking about,some how i did know. She began to show me exspicit pictures of sex acts .When i looked at them i was both shocked and intrigued and scared to death i think i was sweating like a pig. she eventouched my private parts but there was no reaction. well to make a long story short i eventualy succommed to her and at first i was waiting for god to strike me dead. We even went back to church together that evening and i was in almost a catatonic state with dread and fear. I felt like eveybody must know what i have done and for two weeks i did'nt say much to any body. After realizing that i wasnt going to be struck down by lighting i began to think about what happened. It even brought some joy to my memory. In short i beame addicted to fantisising about older weman even to this day. In my fantisies though i am know longer the student but the initiator of the sex charming them the way i was charmed. it has been a thorn in my side until receantly when i gave it all to the lord. Ijust could not get that picture out of my mind and yes i would be on line for hours looking at porn about older ladies and they have them in great abundance. finaly there is creedance to what the psycologist are saying and i am only talking about it from a perpective of understanding the phenomina not to justify the behavior at all but to say there are things that we are exposed to in our youth that have a profound affect on how we view ourselves when we become adults. Care must be taken when we are raising children that we do not inadvertantly expose them to psycological damaging experiances Shame - Stand Up! - Dec 19th 2008
It could also be that the sense of 'shame' is a spiritual (God-bestowed) blessing—that feeling you get when you are *not* following a spiritual path in your life; that porn really is wrong and, as someone else mentioned: Thou shalt not...covet, lust after, etc. It is, in reality, cheating--even if only "in one's mind"--to lust after and have sexual fantasies about others outside the marriage. If you are having sex with anyone (including yourself!) other than your spouse, you are cheating. It is not an action of love and respect. It is not an action that shows integrity. No wonder there is shame associated with porn. It could be that it is just wrong--like any other addiction or affliction. That the psychiatric "industry" would like to say it is "normal curiosity" or that it should be accepted/acceptable, does not make it right or healthy. Where do we, as people and individuals, draw the line when it comes to matters of the heart/soul? Do we continue down this path to the point where, eventually, everything a person may feel inclined to do becomes "normal" and "acceptable" and "healthy curiosity" because so many people are practicing it? Then soon sadism becomes normal, fetishism becomes normal, beastiality becomes normal. These are all "sexual practices" that people have become addicted to out of curiosity or having been exposed to it as children. Drug addiction, alcoholism...the same. If we don't learn to draw the line in healthy and spiritual ways, then we see what happens to our world—look around you right now. The family is the bedrock of society and as the family goes, so goes the world. The legacy we leave our children and grandchildren becomes one of "anything goes!" because we become a society that devalues the wife, mother, sister, daughter...etc. If women are angry and hurt because of this issue, perhaps it is because they know, in their souls, that porn is not right in any way. It is, intrinsically, destructive of spiritual values and, if we continue to force women to "accept" it as a "boys will be boys" scenario, we do so at the risk of losing all values. We also forget that indulging in such behaviors shows a lack of maturity and wisdom, which in turn shows a lack of self-integrity and value. We may like to think that these things will not do damage "if we can only have a dialog" and "compromise" so that "we can work through these issues" when, in reality, the only way to truly work through "these issues" is to grow up spiritually and accept that these are tests that measure the value we place on our souls--and our eternal well-being. Everything in this world was created for our benefit—and can be used, as well, for our destruction. Only human beings have the capacity to act worse than animals towards each other. If we do not live with honesty and integrity in all our doings—even in our private lives—then we have no honesty and integrity. It's as simple as that. If you have to lie and hide what you are doing, then there is no integrity. There is no room to build trust. If you know that what you are doing is hurting another, and you keep on doing it, then where is the love? You may like to fool yourself into believing you love your spouse even as you give in to your addictions, but at some point you need to grow up and face Reality. Ask yourself: How would you feel if God, however you perceive Him or Her to be, walked into your private self and asked you of your doings? Would you view porn and masturbate in front of God? In my opinion, it's all about spiritual values—and maybe women get angry and frustrated because those very values of monogamy, decency, respect, and honor have not been shared by their spouses—and maybe never were, honesty being absent in the relationship from the beginning. Where do I get my information? From my life. My personal story is not important. Suffice to say that advice given to my spouse by a marriage counselor while I was not present, that he should "explore" his various feelings through investigation of porn, led to no open lines of communication and no healing in the relationship—only more lying. After ten more years of hell, I found this out the hard way. Years of feeling inadequate and humiliated without being able to understand the reasons—because there was no honesty and integrity. Years of more counseling and more lies because the truth was never spoken, all for the sake of keeping secrets and staying safe. And now the "I really do love you…" holds very little meaning and value. Counselors do not always give good advice—nor do they always know what is right and wrong. I survived childhood sexual abuse. I survived drug and alcohol addiction. All of this before my marriage. With God's help, I may even survive this marriage. To all of you angry and frustrated women out there—maybe what you are feeling is a gift; a gift of righteous indignation. A gift of the soul; your intuition. Trust is a fragile thing easily lost. To lose trust in yourself, your ability to see your way clear because "society" says this or that is acceptable, is a sad thing. Hold on to that trust in yourself. If you have lost it, find it. And don't let anyone rob you again of your faith in what is right and wrong. I came across an interesting quote in my studies recently: "This is not a Cause which may be made a plaything for your idle fancies, nor is it a field for the foolish and faint of heart." To me the meaning is this: We are born with integrity and nobility; it takes strong hearts to stand up to the foolishness of waywardness and ungodliness. No matter by what name you call God, Spirituallity is a sacred gift that we each possess. How we treat ourselves and each other is our eternal measure. There are some things in life that are just wrong, Tenth Commandment - - Oct 26th 2008
You shall not covet (i.e. envy, particularly with an eye to taking) your neighbor's house, wife, or anything else. Adultery is considered by many Christians to be immoral and a sin, based primarily on passages like 1 Corinthians 6:9-10. Jesus taught that indulgence in adulterous thoughts could be just as harmful to the soul as actual adultery, and it is clear that both carry the same weight of guilt: But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:28 you are right about both genders - Calvin - Oct 22nd 2008
Well, in my opinion you are right about both genders. But there is some disagree on some points. I think, that why, men view online porn is that 1. Maybe being a guy,as most of us guys like to do is have sex, even though we are faithful to our wives, online porn is our key. We do fantasize during the process of watching pretending it us in the action, which leads to male masterbation in private. That way we aren't causing harm to our relationship, because of no physical contact with the other person, so in reality we aren't cheating on our partner. 2. Come on ladies, you can't say you never fantasize in private about another guy you seen in personal or on TV or band star, or actor on TV. You been busted, I work around older ladies in my job and being the only male there, i hear all your girl talk. In how you girls see a hot guy walk by, in what you check out and what you like todo with them in private. Trust me its the same level as guys do when a girl walks by. To make my point, I deprieved my wife from sex, to see in what she will do, and put some porn on TV and she was all alone. Mean while the cam is rolling, watching her, ( BASICALLY TO SEE IF SHE WAS CHEATING ON ME, WHILE I WAS WORK,SINCE I WORK ANYWHERE BETWEEN 10-19 hours shifts, sometimes for 2-4 weeks straight, no days off), but anyways, about leaving porn in the vcr, I watched her masterbate while watching, she was pretending to be the girl in that movie, because the climax was the same as the actor on TV. but she finished sooner then the actor, so the morality of this, she was totally fantasize about being the person in action. SO IN REALITY, its vise versa. And it was in private no physical contact both parties will have a very clear concious about us doing our own action in private. Men looking at pornography - JLW - Oct 2nd 2008
Three things: First, I am a male, and I am not ashamed that I enjoy looking at on-line and magazine pornography! Second, I disagree that men looking at pornography is abusive to women! The women in these pictures pose of their own free will, and, to me, at least, they look like they are enjoying themselves, and having fun! Third, while all persons are entitled to hold and express their opinions, I would say to anyone who does not enjoy looking at pornographic pictures: "Just don't look at them!" And, please, don't try to make pornography illegal! Doing so is imposing your morals and viewpoints on others! Thank you! The bottom line... - - Sep 23rd 2008
Frankly, I believe the use of pornography is motivated by old fashioned lust - the desires of the flesh misused and abused. Humans have the capacity to employ anything for good or bad purposes, and pornography is the abuse of sexuality. It is mental, emotional, physical & spiritual adultery and that is why wives get so angry. It's true, the sex drive is strong, but the truth is men in particular are allowing their drive to drive them! All sex begins in the mind - in our thinking, beliefs & attitudes. I agree, there are many reasons which can motivate a person to begin engaging in pornographic activities which often results in addiction, but this does not justify it's use any more than eg illegal drugs. Humans have a choice, but the consequences are real. True love is other-centred. Pornography is totally self-centred. There are, and always will be, consequences detrimental to the one involved in it and to their spouse - you can tell a tree by it's fruit, and the fruit of porn is rotten to the core. And that's the truth. What really on the line? - AmOnlyHuman - Sep 13th 2008
Before I begin, I just wanted to say that this is a great site and was very intrigue with the amount of information on this website. Thank you. Like many women who have responsed to this website, I too am a woman, happily married with children and a great husband. I have read the many comments that are posted on this website and I must say that many men who have replied with comments do not take in account what the problem really is. When I first met my husband about six years ago, he was everything that I could ever hoped for. I had just recently gotten out of a really abusive relationship and I just wanted someone's shoulder to cry on. He was a country boy, very charming, down to earth, innocent looking, dark hair man, like my shiny knight that swepted me off my feet. Our first few years together was nothing but fun and adventurious and like all other normal couples, we had our ups and downs in life. Recently, in the last two years or so, my relationship has been hit with a very hard problem like many of you on here. I never thought my husband was the type to go to porn sites and masturbate.Oh how wrong I was proven. The first time I discovered my husband masturbating was to some online chat girl in his office while I was sitting half naked in the living room. Now I assure you, I consider myself to be beautiful asian woman inside and out. Unlike porno girls, I do not need to know that the only way to look perfect to a man is to be photoshopped from head to toe. After a couple of kids, I can still put on a two piece bikini and walk down the beach as if I had no kids. I consider myself to be a very loving, giving and open minded person and easy going. As conceited as it may sound if I really wanted, I could probably get almost any men I wanted, of course I have standards too when it comes to men. =P Anyways, I was suspiscious of him that day because he had been in his office pretty much the whole day and he just seemed very nervous whenever I asked him to come do something for me. So I built up the nerve and sneaked quietly towards his office and sure enough, my guts were right. He was cybering online with another woman, looking at several porn sites and masturbating all at once. It's amazing how well men can multitask when it comes to porn viewing. Before I could confront him, I left the house that evening, got myself a motel room and just thought to myself what was the best way to approach him. This was the first time that something like this had happened, so I didn't really know how to handle my emotions. Of course he has no clue of why I wasn't home and called me continiously through out the night. But in all, I just really needed the personal time to pull myself together and think of the best way to approach this problem. I came home the next day and started asking him what he did yesterday and what not. Of course, he denied me of the answers I was looking for. So I just laid it on the table with no sugar coating words. Tears begin to fall and my self esteem begin to drop. Oh how much it hurted and still hurts. I made the analyzes that perhaps because I am asian, my parents brought me up differently from his and that's why we are having this difference in moral standards and respect within a relationship. So of course, like all other women, I blamed myself and condemned myself for not living up to his standards. So I made it a job for myself instead of getting upset about something like this, I might as well just try what he wants. However, I come to find out that his fantasies were more than I expected. His fantasies were of group sex and other weird situations that I could not as a person comply to. So we made compromises. Anyways, to make a long story short, since this, he promised that he would respect and appreciate me for what I am worth in the relationship and would stop viewing pornography. Sadly, like how people say it, rules are made to be broken or bent, just as promises are made to be broken because he didn't keep his end of the bargain. The problem persisted and I caught him more often afterwards. The last time that I caught my husband doing such act was when we went on vacation to visit my parents up north about two weeks ago from this post. We were in a hotel room and I was asleep, when I slightly woke up to the sound of him not being in bed and my laptop light reflecting off the wall in the dark room. I, of course, didn't get out of bed, instead I just pretended I was asleep still and just watched him did his business. He came to bed an hour later and the next morning, he got up early and did the same thing for about 30 minutes. He came back to bed to wake me up cause it was around 9am and I asked him if we could have sex before we went and visit my parents. I already knew that he had been masturbating a few minutes ago, but I figure I ask to see what his answer would be. He decline my offer and made some bs excuse that he wasn't in the mood and that he just got up to use the restroom. Of course I knew this was utter bullsh!t, but whatever, I just pretended I didn't know anything and went on with the day. That night we spent the night at my parents house and I confronted him while we were laying in bed. As usual, I'm sorry, blah blah blah. It's gotten to the point of where "I'm sorry" just isn't cutting it anymore. Anyways, the point is that, it is not that women like to complain or like to control a man's body/life, if you want us to give you what you want then at least make it known to us. Like men, we are not mind readers therefore we can't possibly know what pleases you and what doesn't. Sure, I myself like to look good whenever I am going out regardless if it's just to grocery or what not, but I do not do it just for the attention and glances from other men. I do it for myself because it makes me walk taller and also gives other people the impresseion that I respect myself. After all, isn't it true that first impression is the most important? You'll never know who you'll meet while you're out. It's always safe to dress your best (not in miniskirts and skanky outfits that is). If you are with someone whom you have vowed your love to than surely you can work on yourself to have better self control of your activities. If you are so bored to the point that you have to view porn as a hobby than it is apparent that you do not have enough going on in your life. I am truly hurt by my husband's actions, but the best thing is to communicate opennly with your husbands, ladies. I am working hard with the problem that has been handed to me and if he truly loves you than you both can work on the problem together. Whether it being going through marriage counselor or starting new hobbies whatever you can do to help him help himself is better than relying on his words of "I will not do it again." If you are not up for his kinky fantasies than it is best that you let him know straight out about how you would like sex. We are all raised up differently and taught differently about sex so it is best that if you are going to lay everything on the table then you might as well let him know your moral standards about sex. I understand that viewing pornography is a normal thing to majority of the men population nowadays however if the rest of the men jumped off a bridge would you jump off too? I didn't think so. Common sense is the real issue here. We may live in a black and white world but that does not mean that we have to comply to what defines"normal". If pornography goes against your morals standards as a person and is uncomfortable with it then just pound it in head. It doesn't matter how many times you do it, the point is is that you remind him of your expectation. Don't leave a men guessing at what the problem is and men don't assume that your wife or girlfriend will never find out that what you are doing will never be caught. She will find out. My husband is a computer engineer tech major and unlike him, I am no where close to his intelligence of computers but heck, even a genius like him can't erase all his mistakes. If it is wrong in the eyes of morality then it will be made known to the rest of the people who loves you. In all honesty, I could really careless what my husband does on his freetime, but if it interupts my relationship such as pornography than I will go to the extent of making him understand me and me understanding him. At least at the end, if the relationship does not work out then I know that I gave it my all. Compromising is the key to a healthy relationships and if you can not compromise than there isn't a point of continuing the relationship. By what I mean is that you have be willing to give him some what of what he wants while at the same time him giving you some of what you want at the same time. I know ladies, I truly know how it feels like you're competing with another woman or more. My husband even went to the extent of pretending to be me and getting my girlfriends to send him naked pics of themselves because they were bisexual and pretended to be me and told em I was bicurious, which is BS. Penis only please. So yes, I do know the feeling when you're laying in bed and he's laying next to you, you're thinking to yourself what and who is he really thinking about. It is like, he built your self confident and will up to be a strong, and then the next day, he tears you completly down. At the same time it also feels like you're his booty cal and that he only looks to you when he needs the physical sex and touch. Men will never understand how pornography affects us women nor will women ever understand why men turn to pornography, but the most important thing is to keep your ground and no matter how the situation turns, stick to your morality. Some men argue that because their wives are not giving them what they want, their husband's turn to porn, however I disagree because if one is not married, then one has no validating opinion about what goes on in a marriage life. Unlike married men, married women are too busy living triple lives, being a mother, employee, and a wife that caters to everyone's needs and wants. So if a man wants sex,heck just ask! Communication! Again don't expect that a woman can read a man's mind because if that's the case than a man should be able to read a woman's mind as well. But the honest truth to why I feel man turn to pornography is the thrill of getting caught by their wives or girlfriends. It gives them that thrill of being caught having sex in a public place which then heightens their sex drive Men do it not because they are bored, but because it's the thrill of being caught. Best of wishes to everyone- the people behind the machine - kat - Sep 4th 2008
i have skimmed over this entire analysis, much of it very interesting and well articulated, however, there is one key point missing in most of this -- the people in the porn. We are looking at exploited people whether any of us choose to admit it or not. We don't have equality of choice without equality of conditions and unfortunately many north american women have taken sexual freedoms and direct access to their oppression as freedom. If this porn was a phenomena about sexual freedom for all we would see different types of female bodies. We would see different scenarios like older women with younger guys. We would see cum shots that involve the female cumming several times in the guys face and not just vice versa. The truth is - Isabel - Sep 4th 2008
Man watch porn, even if they have the perfect girlfriend, because they're never satisfied. If they could, they would have more than a girlfriend. That's what! There's more to life than fucking a beautiful woman. Believe me. When you guys are 50 years old, those beautiful women won't even look at you. So take care of the person that thinks you're worth spending a life time with. In the end, looks don't matter at all. What matters is the ability to have a good conversation. That's all, folks Add to my previous comment - Male Insight - Aug 22nd 2008
Ok i just wanna add to what i said in my previous comment. I didn't make it clear that I don't think its ok for us men to be looking at pornography. What i wanted to get across mostly is that its just soooo freaking hard for men to stop looking and watching and wanting to watch porn once we have started. It's almost like crack or any other kind of drug. And I'm not sayin women should accept this. I'm saying its hard for any guy no matter how much he loves you, to stop wanting to watch porn. You should confront him with ur problems tell him how it makes u feel and stress that you want him to stop looking at it. And if he loves you he will be willing to work it out and try to stop watching.Help him out as much as u can take his computer alone time away from him. But I just wanted to let the women know that 90% of the time, men arn't looking at porn for any other reason but for the extra excitement and the addiction, and the women could be completely perfect and the man would still have the desire to look at porn. This is why i watched pornography - Male Insight - Aug 22nd 2008
Ok i'm not sure im qualified enough to say any of this being that i am only 18 years old, but I do feel like this is what the problem is for most men. I started watching porn when i was about 15 i geuss and it started out because i was only a virgin and it was just like the best thing in the world to be able to watch naked women having sex right in front of me for hours! And being able to masterbate and imagine sex easier. But now that im 18 and have a girlfriend and I'm no longer a virgin i still want to watch pornography and masterbate to it, or even just watch for some reason. And its not like my girlfriend doesn't satisfy me or anything. I mean she does almost anything i want her to sexually and we'll have sex 3 or more times a day somtimes and both enjoy it. But for some reason i still have the urge to watch pornography. I'ts hard to understand why. I know most men try to say its just a habbitt or im bored or whatever other excuse they use. But it just boils down to how it makes u feel and the excitement u feel when ur watching the porn online. I mean unless the guy is just a total Ass im sure the reason he watched porn is similar to mine. I't probably doesn't have anything to do with the woman he is with. So ladies please don't think its because there is somthing wrong with you. And i don't think its somthing to divorce anyone over unless he is just a D*** head about it and treats you bad. But it is an addiction and its hard to get over even when ur trying to get over it for the person you love. And somthing that helped me if you want to try it. My girlfriend suggested that we make a movie of our selves and i can watch it. At first i was just like yea w/e its not gonna be fun to watch what i already did. But i was suprised that it actually turned me on and i wanted to watc it as much as i did another porno. I hope this helps some one. Emai me if u want to..... Laroque30@hotmail.com Is there a line in the sand? - Pound - Aug 9th 2008
BUT, The question remains: If a women has made it clear to her partner that his porn surfing makes her feel inadequate, insecure and unable to compete, and the partner continues, despite knowing the damage it does, shouldn't the woman draw a line in the sand? Aren't her feelings more valuable as a live human being in this relationship? Pornography - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Aug 4th 2008
Saman, please go to the "Ask Dr. Schwartz link to read my answer to your problem with your husband and pornography. Dr. Schwartz I beg you to give me your suggestions - Saman - Aug 4th 2008
Hello My name is Saman and 25 years old. I got married about 4 years ago but about 2 years ago I came to know that my husband is a pornography addicted. He often gets up in the middle of the night to watch porn movies. This has totally disturbed me. Whenever I catch him watching movies I lose my self esteem. Moreover he has friendly relationship with family girls so that sometimes I think they feel uncomfortable (I’m not sure if it is just a suspicion or reality). But I’ve not been able to convince myself for separation and divorce because I love him and he is kind to me. However I don’t know if I live with him, does he quit his pornography addiction or not moreover in such a situation I don’t dare to have children with him. Please give me your suggestions. Thank you internet porn - teresa - Jul 7th 2008
Ok, here is the deal. My hubby and I have both been married a few times each. Both of us know what it is like to be on the cheating end. We have been married a year!! He spends little or no time with me anymore, doesn;t make love to me anymore..claims it is his age-57! Well not so! I woke up from falling asleep on the couch, and the computer is in the same room, and guess what--yup--he was stirring up those juices to some lil (girl), 22-if that..online! I faced him with it..to hear, that looking was just a "habit", no big deal-haha, oh but hell yeah, when he refuses to give it to me--it is a great big deal! I even asked him if he would masterbate for me...let me watch..hehee..and on no he couldnt do such a thing-that is private, and he dont masterbate! BS BS BS! I know i am not a bad looking woman, and I have a few scruples, but I am very sexual and sensual as well..I need and live for that attention of my husband. If he cant I am sure there is someone out there that will. I can say that the trust I had in him, and the bond I felt we had has been broken, and I feel like such a fool! I may be his wife, but I have told him I want to be his whore too. I should be everything..when it comes to any kind of sexual activity. I feel as if he has went out and cheated on me..the disappointment he has made me feel..I am not sure will ever be healed. It makes me sick! Confused - - Jun 23rd 2008
I have been reading the articles and have recently been thinking alot about the negative effects of pornography causing the distortion of the conception of beauty and of what is right and wrong. I am 21, beautiful, have a great body (according to what 'beautiful' is supposed to be) and enjoy a great sex life. I have had a very active sexual life since I was thirteen and have had complete sex since I was 16. I have never felt unattractive and have always had plenty of relationships and sexual experiences. The thing is i feel I have had enough experience and I have moved on to another level of communication with my present boyfriend.I also have a different perspective about my previous experiences and although i do not regrett them because i always consented to them, I cannot understand them now. My first relationships when I was thirteen were with men in their twenties. At that time I felt powerful and mature to be with them, now I feel disgusted towards them. I cannot imagine myself now that i am in my twenties EVER being attracted in the slightest to men younger than 18. I have had contact or slept with men up to 40 years old in the past. Since I turned eighteen onwards I never had relations with older men and started seeing them as disgusting and unthinkable that they have these attitudes. This is because i have a good education and have realized how distorted the world is. Married men, educated men, professors you name it have flirted with me. And maybe I should point out that I have never gone out at night with miniskirts, high boots or small tops. I have nothing against dressing sexy, but just to make clear it is not the way of dressing that is targeted, it is any form of 'fragile youth', in any surrounding be it night club or your friends house. Another thing is there were never rumours about me and no one saw me as an 'easy' girl. I have travelled alot and have had similar experiences everywhere in the world. My dilemma is that now I am in a serious relationship and have been living with my boyfriend(25) for the last year. Everything is going perfectly and I am absolutely ready to have a steady relationship building plans for the future. He certainly seems to think the same. My worry is that he watches pornography, often of girls that are advertised as 'fresh eighteen year old' or 'barely legal', that even though they may well be eighteen look younger and are made to look younger. I told him I did not feel right about it, especially because I found one scene that was of an old man with such a young girl. He used to work as a taxi driver and has taken many clients to brothels and has waited for them at the bar having a drink, with the girls. He claims he never slept with one, but he is used to an environment where unfaithfullnes is praised or laughed about, young girls are objectified for older men and it is the way 'it's meant to be'. He is now at university, has great plans for the future and is the most considerate and loving person I have ever been with. Maybe I shouldn't worry, but I am seriously commiting to him and we have plans to marry in the future. i can't help thinking that if society keeps on acting this way and keeps on seeing it as correct for a 40 year old to have sex with a women twenty years younger than him, there is not much place for faith in a long term relationship. Why aren't there films where a 40 year old woman has sex with a young man? because it is and looks abusive and it goes the other way around to. I don't care if some pornstars enjoy their job, earn great money and feel sexually liberated, good for them, they could have sex with just as many people without showing the world and without the world being sexually repressed, which seems to be the worst excuse I've ever heard. but what of all the women that feel terrible when they are just 30 and all of the women that have to look back in disgust to those men that enjoyed them when they were still teenagers and had no clear perspective yet and now see the old buggers holding their cheated wife by the hand? That is why i can't seem to trust a long term relationship, no matter how incredible it is. p.s- I am not angry with all the men in the world and i am not one sided, but here we are talking about something that affects mostly women, if not I would be eager to read some examples from distressed husbands, boyfriends or guys in general. Husband views soft porn online - Celeste - May 5th 2008
I can so relate with everyone that has written in. My husband and I have been married almost 8 years, and we have 3 beautiful children. I just had my 3rd child in October of 2007, so I am in the midst of losing my baby weight, which by the way is not happening quickly enough! Anyway....this has been going on for at least a year and a half that I know of, and I am completely miserable. He does exactly as was stated in the article: goes online at times when I am not around and visits various sites that feature nude women in photos or videos. Before having children, I don't think this would have bothered me as much as it does now, but I know that I don't compare to these women, and it hurts my feelings so much that he would keep doing this. I have brought it to his attention several times, about how much this affects me and my self-esteem, and he does not seem to take me seriously. He continues to say how beautiful I am, and that this is no big deal. But I honestly don't believe anything he says, because actions speak louder than words, and if he really believed what he says about me, then there would be no reason to continue looking at nude women online. The kicker is: whenever we are together sexually, I cannot get past thinking that he is not even thinking of me during this, rather that he is imagining some chick he saw online and this just makes me sick. I don't even want to be with him sexually anymore. Not when I feel like I am competing. When I have told him this, he does not reply. What am I supposed to think? It is seriously affecting our marriage, and overflowing into everything else in our life. I have a difficult time just managing the kids, work and the house, because I am so unhappy, and just feel very unappreciated. So, I do empathize with everyone else out there, and it gives me a little comfort that I am not the only one dealing with this issue. It hurts, like cheating... - - Apr 16th 2008
I have just found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been looking at pornographic images online, while for years he promised he felt no need for that anymore. I suspect he has been doing it all along. I feel so sad, rejected, hurt and as if he has cheated on me. It makes me feel ugly and inferior compared to those girls. It also makes me paranoid about what his tastes are in women, and that I don't conform to those. At times, I also feel very angry and decide 'right, I am going to look at men that I find attractive, flirt with guys I meet and let him know that's what I do and enjoy'. But I know, and he would know, that I am just kidding myself as I am fully monogamous, have basically had no interest in anyone else but him since we got together. I have always been very open minded about sex and had no insecurities about it. We have a good sex life. Before I met him, I enjoyed watching porn by myself without feeling shame about it. In the beginning of our relationship, we used to watch porn together. But the more serious we got, the more I felt I needed to compete with porn and the more it started hurting me that he felt he needed to look at other girls. Also, the more I started feeling insecure in bed. I feel I just can't compete any more with what the girls in the pictures could offer him because I can't separate sex from love. I have always had difficulty with porn in relation to the important men in my life though... It was upsetting to me that my previous boyfriend watched porn, though we weren't that serious, I was very much in love. And I remember being extremely upset as a little girl by my father having playboy posters in his office at home and at work. I felt he was cheating on us (my mum, sister and me) with these disgusting, mean women. While this was far before I knew about what sex was and had no cause for any insecurities and had had no traumatising experiences. So porn has always been very double sided to me... I suppose it has become even worse because of our issues with trust and faithfulness... My boyfriend cheated on me at the very beginning of our relationship. Over the years I had slowly started to trust him again. Then, last year, I caught him snogging another girl after a night out, while I was 'asleep'. I have always had to discover him lying. On both occasions I had an incredibly strong instinct that something was wrong, which was the only reason I found out; he never actually came to me himself to confess. He knew how much this had hurt me and that him apparently 'needing' other women upset me. I think that for a short time, he disgusted himself for cheating on me. So he convinced me, and probably tried to genuinely convince himself, that he would not need look at soft porn ever again. However, I think that after a while, it was just convenient for him to forget about this side of porn and the effect it has on me. However, he does want to avoid nagging or crying from me, which just makes his life more difficult, so does it secretly. I know he erases the internet history. Are those girls really so fantastic that they are worth lying to his girlfriend for, and hurting her for? I am trying to be understanding. And I do realise that it is a very normal thing for men, to want to watch porn. I tell myself that there is nothing wrong with it and try to be accepting of it... However, thing is... it just really hurts me and I don't know if I can deal with it. It hurts me especially that my boyfriend tries to hide it. And here's the catch 22; Should I be clear to him about how much it hurts and ask him to stop watching porn, thereby risking that he will try to hide it from me? (and me becoming suspicious again) Or do I tell him it is fine, so he won't hide it from me but which would mean I get hurt... This inability to trust him is such an anxiety to me and is obviously a major issue in our relationship, however....problem is, beside from this I am very happy in our relationship! I love him dearly, he loves me and he is such a support to me in everything. Which makes the whole thing more complicated... What made matters worse for me is that I felt everyone thinks I am unreasonable about porn. I have always been made to believe by my boyfriend, society and even my family and people of my generation (i am 27) that I am a bit of a freak for feeling so strongly. Some of my girlfriends' boyfriends just post images of naked girls on their facebook page without any nagging from them, my mum does not mind my father's posters. It has made it harder to get understanding from my boyfriend; he just thinks I have deep, psychological issues. Although I know that some of my girlfriends also find their boyfriends watching porn incredibly hurtful, they seem to accept it because society does. Therefore, it has been really good to read that other women are also having problems with this. For the first time I have been proven right that I am not the only one... If you love your partner dont hurt them - - Mar 28th 2008
It is happening to me right now! The article has it down to a T! Men are secrective and thats why I worry! If he is going to have "secret sex" online with a picture or movie then what is stopping him from trailing off to a whore! It is well known that men have a special place in their....Hearts....penis? for the trashy women seen in many movies~! But even so! What I find even more freightening is the Online sex RP! It inovloves another peson possible able to give a phone number and adress! GOD HELP US WOMEN! WE! (wonmens!) are not the bad cheater guys! I personally have not the opinions of a christian church or a puritan hole-through-the-bed-sheet ideas...its not how I was raised but I do belive in honor and loyalty! Sorta of old world...view! I and I full-heartadly belive that majority of men are at loss for what they can justify a relationship as love!............simple.....If you love your partner dont hurt them.........and have some f-ing control! -love.....................from -about to be single~! Hurt - Anonymous - Mar 24th 2008
I recently discovered that my husband looks at pictures of women online. It is the second marriage for both of us. My first husband cheated on me, and I tried for years to get through it, get over it, but it kept coming back again and again in every argument we ever had, and it finally tore our marriage apart, years after it happened.
So here I am, married a second time to a perfectly wonderful man. We have a good sex life, and he always tells me I'm beautiful and that i turn him on.
But recently I looked on his computer and found his website history. I found websites with pictures of nearly-naked women...not exactly porn...but women wearing only panties etc...I am not prudish or old-fashioned or anything like that, but finding these pictures has hurt me terribly. I consider myself pretty good-looking, I am not over-weight and I have never been shy about my body before, but I certainly don't look anything like these gorgeous, perfect-bodied young women he looks at. And this has caused me to suddenly become self conscious, self critical and shy about being naked in front of him, and every time we go to have sex, the images of these women pop up in my head and I feel like I just wanna cover myself up. I can't help but to compare myself to them. It's gotten in the way for me to think only about what we're doing...it's distracting me. And I am angry at him, because i feel he has ruined the closeness we had and has caused me to tense up emotionally as well as physically. And so, I find myself taking a step back, away from "us", to see him clearly for the first time. I feel this has put distance between us and i find myself doubting him.
It's a little hard to explain, but the weird thing is, somehow I feel it would almost be BETTER if he were too look at PORN instead of these gorgeous women...because the porn would just be...a sexual thing...what he is doing is looking at the gorgeous bodies of beautiful women...and it's making me feel inadequate, unattractive, and it makes me feel like he's lying to me when he tells me I'm beautiful, and like he's using me...because even if I know I can turn heads too, i certainly do not measure up to these women, and therefore I KNOW he doesn't REALLY think I am beautiful by his standards. So now, when he tells me I'm beautiful or gives me a compliment...I can't even take it...but I end up mumbling something like..."no I'm not", or "yeah, right"....
Although I did tell him that I found these pictures, I haven't really talked to him about it. I just don't know what to say. I have asked myself WHY it bothers me so much. I have asked myself if I'm making too big of a deal of it. And the best answer I can find is that it makes me feel painfully aware how fragile a relationship can be and how quickly things can change. Who knows what's next...maybe he'll sign up for a profile on some site? I don't trust him anymore. Maybe my fears stem from my first husband cheating on me, but I can't help but feel very hurt and worried. Why? - - Mar 21st 2008
My husband watches porn regularly, even though I am a very willing wife who never turns him down for sex. When I am asleep, he will creep downstairs and watch it, if we have just made love and he wants more, rather than come back to me he will go and view it downstairs. 5 minutes after making love to me!!! That's like the biggest insult of it all! The only way I know is because I look at his internet history. Ive lost trust in him, and I'm starting to look at him differently to how I used to, it's all so out of character for him to do this. I feel betrayed and I hate that he has done this all this time and Ive only recently found out. We have argued over it, I have broken down and cried in front of him to show him how much it hurts me, he has thrown the computer across the room in anger over it and told me that if I don't like the way he is, I know where the door is. (he later told me that he said that in anger though). It seems that the general view is that you can't stop a man watching porn and ripping his wife's heart to shreds over it, so as usual the wife has to put up with it, do something to try to understand it, or walk. If she walks and gets together with some other man, then there's the chance that he will do this to, so if the relationship is otherwise good, I guess we just have to put up with it and hide our hurt, because God forbid that they should ever be the ones to change. I think what I will do is start dressing as if I want to attract the opposite sex and see how he feels when guys are gawking at me and I'm lapping up the attention. I will simply say to him "But dear, you love to look at women, so do these guys!" See what that does for his little fantasy world then, because he's a jealous sort of guy, he will hate that and that's when I will say to him "now you know how it feels". Pornography - Mars and Venus - JR - Mar 11th 2008
Men appear to regard pornography as candy; women regard it as adultery. No easy compromise between these positions. I really doubt whether an attachment to "normal" pornography should be seen as having serious implications for the personal relationship between individuals - but what would I know? Nature has placed me on one side of this Great Divide. My wife regards my infrequent resort to pornography (nonj-Internet) as merely "silly". Is she right? Yes, I think so. Best regards, JR Victim of Porn Sites - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Mar 10th 2008
Thank you for your powerful and poignant description of how your husband's viewing porn web sites has affected you and your marriage. I wonder if you would like to join our Online Support Community and engage in the dialogue on pornography. Of course, there are many other topic areas for you to become involved with. I hope you and your husband can find a way to resolve this problem that is troubling your marriage. Perhaps marriage counseling is the way to go in order to attempt to save your marriage. Dr. Schwartz I am also a victim of online sex sites - boopdva - Mar 10th 2008
I actually met my husband of two years on an adult site and I seemed to be the one with a stronger sex drive. He swore he wasn't a regular of these sites and more interested in a hands on, one on one relationship. HA! He hid his true side quite well until I moved in and noticed little things he did to be sure I didn't go to the mailbox or view credit statements. He bought me my own laptop so I wouldn't accidently erase the bill paying system he used on his PC. HA! I innocently stumbeld across his activities as I went to print documents from his hooked up pc. Men can be pretty stupid alot of the time. He had chat/message links that started up automatically as well as saved passwords at online accounts. He knows nothing about the workings of temp files because to this day I am still able to view the times, dates and locations of his activities. Even on Valentine's Day...while I was at the grocery store buying the special ingrediants for dinner.....he was viewing sites and videos! I've caught him so many times and expressed anger, confusion, lots of tears and what I got in return each and every time was that is was innocent and not cheating because he wasn't actually chatting or meeting anyone. But having a profile at a site that for stupid reasons has your regular id name and actual birthdate and location available for others to view and search....is one hell of a clue that it was more than innocent. Since I am well aware of these types of sites and understand that some couples enjoy this activity together, we had detailed what we wanted from marriage and assured each other that in was a committed, faithful marriage. My pain is with his anger, denial and unwillingness to acknowledge the disrespect and dishonesty he shows toward me and his lack of a sincere apology. I just arrived home from a three day "emotion" break from him. While away I searched internet support sites and advice groups for help in deciding what steps to take next with this marriage. End it or stay and live with suspicion and doubt. I came across a wonderful book that validates everything I have been feeling and acknowledges my right as his wife to expect and demand that he be the good husband that he promised he would be when he took that vow in marriage. It validates that I am worth more than what he gives me credit for and that it is his selfishness and cruelty that denies me his faithfulness and intimacy. I wish to share it with all of you. I is titled "IT'S (MOSTLY) HIS FAULT - For Women Who Are Fed Up and the Men Who Love Them" By Robert Mark Alter. It is a book written in straight up language to men by a man who was just as bad as all these men that act out this way. It tells husband to stop being a jerk and start adoring the woman that for some godforsaken reason is in love with you! I found it in the bargain section of the bookstore while I was seeking inspirational material to help me gain the strength I needed to follow through with my declaration that I would no longer tolerate this treatment and would walk away from this relationship without regret if he chooses not to read it and make changes as the book describes. I have provided enough love and devotion for any deserving man and will not accept responsibility for his lack of character. I recommend that all women read this book and gain back your self-confidence and self-esteem and heal your heart. I wish strength and happiness to each of you. porn has ruined my life - Silas - Mar 6th 2008
Porn has ruined my life! I used to steel my dads playbays, and read them. He told me he left them. For me he just wanted me to learn about sex,his intentions where good.But as I got older I started buying them myself.I feel ashamed of myself for wasting so many years of my life, Being addicted to porn. Its real hard for me to quit.Since the internet has came I found my porn sights that I visit alot. Its has made it hard to have a relation ship with women,I wish I had never started this stuff.I still have alot of life left I just want to spend what I have left, with a good women. I want to life a life of integrity.I pray to god everyday for my inperfections. I just want to be free from all this stuff.I hat porn and what it does to women.I think they should be respected.I know that many of the ladies on the internet,are doing this for many reasons. Its just the way the world has been from the begin of time,I know that the Devil use's many tool to get to us.I know that there is a better life on the other side.But the porn has been one of my biggest down falls.I feel sorry for the 23 year old girl that sent her message on march 2nd I hope she will find piece.I know women look at thing different.Then us men,I know it hurts them so.I hate what porn has done.I only hope its not to late for me to turn it around and have a good relationship with a ladie. If I have too I will throw my computer in the garbage.I dont want this anymore.I jsut want to be free form all this.I'm a good man I just got drawn into this stuff. I guess I was just lonley.I have a void in my life I'm missing a relationship with women.I would love any advice you would give me.I dont feel comfortable going to a support group.I just want to quite this,I want to be free from all this!!!!! Silas PORN...PORN....PORN...????? - What does porn have that I dont - Mar 2nd 2008
OK so I have read a lot of the comments left on this website and I know exactly how all the ladies feel. I used to watch porn with my finacee when we first got together and it was fine... But then we stopped and I was ok with it. I have always loved watching porn but now that we are serious and I have his ring on my finger, I feel as if I should be the only women that he desires. He has lied to me several times and it's like OMG what the hell is so hard to give up porn?? I'm a very attractive 23 year old and I know that I have a great body. I have pretty pirkies and a great ass and I just dont get it. But see I have found pictures taken out of magazines, magazines, caught him online, received the cable and relized that there was two movies rented!!! Then I get online look at our internet history the ones he doesnt know how to delete and found that this whole time he has been lying to me and still looking at this shit. I love sex and at one time I was a very sexual person but I feel as if he is killing that. It makes me feel insecure and makes me not even want to do the deal!!! Porn is ruining how I feel about him and I love him but come on enough is enough. So this is the conclusion that I have come to. Ladies we get jealous of porn and it hurts our feelings right?? Well maybe we should find some porn we like and get off to and jack off without them. Make them feel the way we do. Obviously its not a big deal that our feelings are hurt and that it makes us feel low. So I think that this is what I'm going to do. I have cried to many times and I'm done crying and asking why. So now its his turn!!!!!!!! Editor's Note: The problem with this reasoning is summed up by the old proverb, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". If you are hurting and desire intimacy, you will not find it by distancing yourself and/or attacking your partner. Men and Porn! - Fountain Valley - Feb 22nd 2008
Well I just busted my husband with porn the P----y will not admit it so I am pissed. So like the other gal if you cant beat them join just signed on to a couple of adult sites and by the way started emailing my high school boyfriend if he wants to get his rocks off so can I. Dont want to cheat just wanna play. Wish me luck! just try it - deb - Feb 11th 2008
my husband is addicted to the internet . i've known , but don't dare discuss it . after feeling sorry for myself and forgetting about my own sexual desires, i decided to dive in and find out what i was missing. well,guess what?...if you can't beat em ,JOIN em.!! no one is taking my fantasies away . i faced my deepest fears, got a new hobby, and have actually discovered i dont, need a man to satisfy my desires. it,s not all about that thing they think rules the planet...but don,t tell him that. go girls. Smoking Fetish - Looking for help - Jan 31st 2008
My husband has a smoking fetish...I am a smoker and am completely okay and enjoy smoking for my husband..We have a very active sex life..however I'm not sure if me smoking for him is enough. I have found out that he is getting off on fetish sites whenever I am not around . the getting off part doesn't bother me but it does bother me that he needs to fullfill his fantasy with other women when I am right here. I have expressed my feelings to him on this issue but it hasn't changed anything. I do not feel this will go away ...any advice on how I can be okay with this? I don't want to be angry at him but I don't want to feel unwanted either. - Richard - Jan 28th 2008
Hey "Wife No Longer in Love" - mmm you sound very nice, write a good piece, and have some spirit. Which country are you in? - - Jan 27th 2008
Good for you! And Good luck to you too! Women deserve a man who will carry their weight in the marriage as well, it is a partnership after all, no? Aside from the porno, your husband sounds like he isn't carrying his share any way. Top it off with the porno, and you have a recipe for disaster. Good luck to you again. To hell with my porno freak husband - Wife no longer in love - Jan 27th 2008
My husband will jump on my computer to view porn within minutes after I leave the house or lay down in bed. I have invited him to join me in bed on numerous occassions and he will turn me down to go jerk off to porn. I'm no goddess. I'm nearing 40 years old and a bit overweight (size 13 pants), but I eat healthy, work out for a minimum of 1.5 hours EVERY DAY and have a all natural 38 TRIPLE D BRA SIZE. I cook, I clean, I own my own business, I a good wife and the best mom I can possibly be. My husband on the other hand, never works out, eats twice as much as he needs to, drinks like a fish and when he's not as work, he lays around on the couch all day watching sports. Nine times out of ten, he falls asleep on the couch and then screams vulgarities at anyone who accidentally wakes him up. But it's my fault that our relationship is in the toilet. I have no respect for him anymore and certainly no desire to have sex with him. When I'm finished spending his money on my gym membership, and any cosmetic proceedures that I may find desirable, I'm going to go find a man that finds "ME" desirable and wants to spend time with ME. I want a man that will hold my hand in public and not gawk at every female that walks by. I want a man that can tell me he loves me in front of his friends and not be embarrassed by it. I want a man that has a little interest in what I have to say. Wish me luck! | 
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Readers in the Boulder, Colorado metro area (or Denver area people willing to drive) may contact Dr. Schwartz for face-to-face consultation and psychotherapy. Email him at dransphd@aol.com for details.