On Being A PerfectionistAllan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. Updated: May 23rd 2006Are you a perfectionist? Do you demand that everything you do is of the highest quality and above any criticism? If so, you are a very unhappy person! I can imagine you responding to this latter sentence with something like: "he's awfully presumptuous! How dare he make judgments of other people without knowing them?" Well, I do not wish to sound either presumptuous or judgmental. Instead, what I am sounding is a cautionary note based on certain types of people who enter therapy seeking relief from anxiety and depression. Not everyone who experiences anxiety and depression is a perfectionist. However, all of those patients I have seen over the years who are perfectionists are anxious, depressed and obsessive in their thinking. Many of them suffer from some combination of procrastination, an inability to get things done, a tendency to be work-a-holics and either under-achievement or over-achievement. How does perfectionism work to make so many people unhappy? First, it is important to understand that human beings cannot be perfect. If you have a religious bent to your thinking and living, then realize that on the God can be perfect. Human beings are flawed creatures as are all other living creatures on this earth. That does not mean that we should not strive for excellence. However, there is a big difference between striving for excellence and striving for perfection. Excellence is attainable because, be definition, it allows for the fact that we will fall short of perfection. Excellence presumes that we are doing the best we can do on a project. In fact, excellence presumes that we are trying hard to do even better than we may have done in previous efforts. Because excellence is attainable, there is motivation in that direction. A job well done feels really good. That good feeling does not necessarily come from the praise of others, but from an inner feeling of satisfaction. By contrast, the perfectionist never feels pride or satisfaction in a job well done because they never believe their job was done "well enough." There can never be a good feeling about completing a project because the final project is viewed as imperfect, flawed, filled with errors. To borrow an old saying, the perfectionist is like the "person who cannot see the forest for the trees." In other words, there this is an individual who becomes so focused on the tiny details that they forget that there is a purpose to what they are doing. That is why some perfectionists become procrastinators. Filled with so much anxiety about having to do every little detail to perfection they become discouraged about ever starting their project. There are many candidates for Ph.D. degrees who never graduate. They complete all their course work, successfully finish all of their comprehensive exams and even successfully choose a topic for their research study, and never move beyond that point. Many of these are very brilliant people who stumble over perfectionism: 1. they doubt that they understand the material they are researching, 2. they doubt they can teach the material they are studying. Often, PhD candidates are allowed to teach undergraduate classes as a way of funding their advanced studies, 3. They doubt that their research is acceptable, 4. They believe they are frauds who have fooled everyone into believing they are smart and, 4. The list goes on endlessly. Another way of putting it is to say that the perfectionist is "always spinning his wheels but getting nowhere." Are you a perfectionist? Write in about your experiences with this and let’s have an interchange of ideas. If you wish, try the book by David Burns, MD. entitled The Feeling Good Handbook. Here, Dr. Burns explains how to use cognitive-behavioral techniques to overcome these types of problems. Ultimately psychotherapy which focuses on cognitive-behavioral therapy is excellent for these types of problems. No Gauge for my perfection - Tamara - Nov 5th 2009
I know Im a perfectionist but have been able to control the procratination, fears, ect with seeing results in my work (tiling). Once I get over the initial go to it problem I can rationalize be seeing the results. And I dont take huge square footage jobs.
The Problem: Taking up horseback riding... dealing with no specific results, doing good some days and not so good others is breaking me. The thought of it is wonderful, the actual is so stressful I have to be having a really positive day to get out there and I find Im not enjoying the time as much as I should be. I look for reasurrance from coaches and freinds but I dont believe cause I cant see...any help ?? HELP !! I CANT BUY ANYTHING - Bart - Oct 15th 2009
Hi. I have a weird problem. I have a hard time making purchases. It takes me hours to buy a can of soup at the store. At first i thought it was OCD because i would constantly change my mind what to buy. But now i suddenly realize the cause, i want the soup to be perfect. Recently I bought a mouse for my computer, I went crazy because the scroll bar made a funny noise when i touched it. I returned the first mouse, then bought another, then another.... it never ends. I have like 5 perfectly "good" computer mouses, but they are not good for me. I find problems with everything, and i obssess over them.One mouse is not perfectly level, the other has a broken scroll button... They are not broken, but to me they are broken because i find imperfections...
I have a ton of things that I am about to return to the store, such as clothes that I bought. Whenever I buy things I find problems with them.For example, it took me like three hours to find a soccer ball to buy. I wanted the most perfect soccer ball imaginable , given the store, price. etc. The best deal, the "perfect deal". Recently I bought a computer, it was pure hell. I couldnt sleep for a whole week, going online and looking at the best deals. Trying to find the best deal is anxiety for me, because I am constantly worrying there is a better deal out there. I dont do OCD rituals, i think I am just obsessive. Like i use to wash my hands because i thought it was unholy to masturbate. So i dont really have any rituals persay, just a fear of contamination and this obsessive perfectionism. I want everything to be perfect when i buy things.
I hate buying new clothes because each new clothes I find new problems. HELP!!! I feel handicapped. I am embarrassed when i meet new people because my clothes are so worn out and my shoes are worn out. But if i buy new clothes, i find problems with them, and i hate them.
It can be a tiny problem, but i obsess over the problem and catastrophize it. HELP ME PLZ - pie lover a with a weirdo show off PERFECTIONEST SISTER - Sep 27th 2009
does anybody know how to stop my sister from being a prfectionest?? i seriously need help!! she is so annoying and i tell her to stop all the time and she just goes about with her life and ignores me! helllllp! Frighttened Perfectionist - Allan N. Schwarrtz, PhD - Sep 18th 2009
Hello Tameka and all perfectionists,
You report that you are afraid to ask for help. I am not surprised because perfectionists are people who tend to want to do it alone. To ask for help is to be less than perfect, in their thinking. Of course, that thinking is a mistake. First, none of us are able to be perfect. It is simply impossible and, so, that puts the perfectionist on the road to unhappiness. Second, everyone needs help. We are human beings and we depend upon and need one another.
You should ask for help. Now, the kinds of help you could ask for depends a lot on the direction you want to go in. If you want to be less of a perfectionist and learn how to do the best you can and accept that, then, you psychotherapy would be a good idea.
If you could learn to accept doing the best you can do, then, you must make up your mind to give less to work because you do not have to be perfect, and more to your children and to yourself in terms of amounts of time. In other words, make more time for them and you under the idea that you can accept less than perfection at work and want to give more at home.
There is nothing invevitable about these things. You really can decide that you will be less than perfect (which you already are) and not try so hard at work.
I hope this makes sense to you. If you really cannot can change this on your own, then, therapy is the way to go.
Dr. Schwartz Perfectionist & Frightened - Tamika - Sep 18th 2009
I am a severe perfectionist and suffering depression im a work-o-holic with 2 children under the age of 2 i work full-time, my whole focus is on work and my children i weigh 44 kilos and my health is suffering enormously where should i start to get help, im afraid to ask for help and find it hard i generally am the tough one and just keep going never asking for help in any aspect of my life, i struggle through as im sure many more do out there, i worry constantly that something will happen to my children (there are a lot o sicko's out there), i have enormous feelings of guilt especially for working when i should be at home with my babies, but i feel like i owe my boss as he gave me a job when i was six months pregnant, i do above and beyond all that is expected of me but no one ever seems happy, doesnt matter how much i do for them, i work tirelessly trying to keep everyone else happy but as im learning that doesnt happen and i end up more depressed, i often feel suicidal but then feelings of guilt kick in and i remember my babies need me, i get by but i need help can you suggest where i start, i have in the past been to GP's but i let my health slide for i can always find a reason why there is no time for ME i always thought i had exceptional time management skills but im wearing myself out, im worried i will even be early to my own funeral the rate im going, im never late i will even get out of bed 2 hours earlier than needed to ensure im not late. Anti-complacent - Jimmy - Sep 9th 2009
Dr. Schwartz,
I have been a perfectionist for a very long time and severe anxiety does run in my family. Over the years, especially since graduating from university, I have continually 'raised the bar' regarding my performance and knowledge. This made me a successful engineer and technical manager. When I was made a regional manager a few years ago, I began to spend less time designing systems and managing engineers and more time interacting with clients and subcontractors. I soon realized that it was very important that I become an effective communicator; I probably was an 'effective' communicator - a better communicator than most of my peers, but being effective was simply not enough for me, I wanted, I needed, to be an excellent communicator - a flawless communicator.
I now audit everything I say to everyone; every phrase, every word, every pause. I write down or memorize every suspect (somewhat less than perfect) statement, so that I am able analyse each of them at a later time (after the relevant interaction).
For the first time in my life, I have been unable to achieve something that is important to me. Is my goal realistic? Is my goal even possible? Probably not - but I cannot seem to prevent myself from feeling terrible (very anxious) about every error. I did see someone for a few months - unfortunately, CBT did not help me. Perfectionist - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Aug 24th 2009
Hi,
I did not check your spelling, but, I am not a perfectionist. Oh, well.
You went too far the "other way," attempting to give up perfectionism. I would suggest that you do the best you can! There is a difference. The perfectionist is someone who, even after trying to be perfect, is left with the nagging feeling that things are still wrong. There is never any way the perfectionist will ever feel satisfied. It is an obsession.
Here is what you need to do: When you do something and you start to worry that it is not perfect or will not be perfect, do something different and fun. Read that again: Do something different and fun. Stop thinking about it by doing something fun.
This will take a long time but, it will work. If it does not, see a clinical psychologist.
Dr. Schwartz tried it the other way - Diana. - Aug 24th 2009
Well, I tried it the other way...I let things slide so that I would stop driving my family crazy.What I now realize is...they are all happy and I am not! I suffered a skin condition due to my perfectionist attitude tot hings...it didnt start till my family convinced me to try it their way. I went to a dermatologist who confirmed this and his words have been sticking in my ear ever since...I told him that I had changed my behavior and I was being more lenient as I was really gettingunder my family's skin...he said....so waht if you are a perfectionist in some areas...."why do YOU have to change to suit those around you and they dont have to counter offer?" After many years of "doing it their way" I am now reverting to my old habits....because quite honestly.....in some ares of my life I will be a much happier person. If it drives my family nuts sobeit....its their turn again!
PS were the spelling mistakes in this article deliberate? Just curious :D Looking for answers - Embly - Aug 15th 2009
I feel misinterpreted in relationships and want to know if this is a symtom of perfectionism. I like the way my mind works, I value my attention to the smallest detail. But my interaction with people seems to be called into question alot. I find it difficult to remember the niceties; hi, how are you, etc. Help! Am I a difficult person? I have been accused... Great article - Sam - Aug 7th 2009
Perfectionism and happiness indeed do not go together. I was a huge perfectionist most of my life--and often very anxious and miserable. The more I've learned to just get by on "good enough," the happier I've become. Perfection stops my life - - Aug 4th 2009
It has only recently come to light that my standards and values, especially at work, are extremely high. Although this should not be a problem, at work we have recently recruited several new members of staff and I was appointed their mentor. However, my anxiety levels were soaring as although they were appearing to be getting along with the job, they did not fulfill the standards I was setting. I realised that neither was I. I then set about setting myself higher goals and looking back unachievable goals. My work was an excellent level but I strived for perfection, I always have done, in anything I do. Not just in work. I love all things artistic, drawing, painting, needlework but because I do not have the time to perfect every drawing etc, I do not start anything.
At work, I have been given another task of rewriting and updating all the protocols and until I lose the perfection status I carry with me, I fear procrastination will remain also. My head though is crammed with fantastic, excellent and dare I say it perfect ideas... I think I have an answer for us perfectionists - Kate1971 - Jul 13th 2009
Hi-
My title is a little presumptuous because really, I can only speak for myself. In otherwords, I'm commenting from personal experience. I've never told another person about this.
First, let me give you a little backround on me. I love a mental challenge. I play with rubix cubes, and higher level ones, love sodoku, love brain quizzes ect. Also, I work as a temp for property management companies, and love difficult situations (solving them).
I love it when people compliment me on my job, or intelligence. If I'm not careful, I thrive on it. It's like I'm on cloud nine.
But here's the problem, when someone I respect or someone in authority critisizes me, or intimates I said something wrong, I start to feel extremely guilty replaying the conversation over and over in my mind."why did I have to say that?' "He looked at me weird" ect ect. Ironically people say I have a great personality, or that I'm funny, charming ect. But if I'm not perfect, I get this great anxiety, especially if the person I dissapointed is a great person.
Here's how I get over it, I'm beginning to realize I'm a perfectionist because I think people only love me for my intellectual or social acheivements. But then I begin to realize there is One who loves me unconditionallly, who cares about me. He doesn't care is I make a social faux-pau, or that someone was not 100% happy with my job.
He loves me and only wants more of my time, He wants my goodness to come from Him, and not what I do. Everything is okay, because my life is in His Hands.
So that's what I do, I just focus on how much Jesus loves me, and I feel better. But it's a journey, eventually I hope to not put so much care on what people think, but rather what God thinks. Isn't He the one that has the keys to heaven and hell anyway? Isn't He perfect?
Yet, he loves imperfect me, and wants to guide me. I hope to have a lot more of these situations so I can practice doing this, and be completely free. I think we can only be truly free when we confront our fears instead of running them. " For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but rather a love, a power and a sound mind." Perfectionist - Anonymous - Jul 9th 2009
Im a 19 year and I recently realized that I have a big problem and that is me being a perfectionist. I have a hard time at this new job I started and what we do there is make pumps for men. I have to trim and glue things together. Well the other day I was told that If I didnt speed it up I was going to get fired but my point is that I cant move fast. It has to be perfect and when I think its perfect I can move on. Every time I just say what the heck just move on they come and tell me you didnt do this good enough so that takes me back to having to be perfect. Like today a friend and I went to eat for lunch and It honestly took me 20 min to decide because inside I was thinking what If this isnt what she wants, what if its not good enough for her. So many thoughts run through my head and I honestly need help. I dont even think this is perfect and what I wanted to really say and im disappointed. I need help please give me edvice on what I should do. Proscrastination - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Jun 23rd 2009
Hi Jus,
Many years ago I saw a funny movie about a man who was such a procrastinator that, when he met a beautiful woman who wanted to make love to him, he did not have the energy to take his clothes off. The story ended with a quip about, "see, sometimes procrastination can serve moral purposes." (smile).
In reality, it is no joke and that is why I want to encourage you to seek professional help. I would recommend a Clinical Psychologist or Licensed Clinical Social Worker and start psychotherapy for this problem.
Dr. Schwartz I'm a chronic procrastinator and a perfectionist - Jus - Jun 23rd 2009
I even procrastinated about posting this comment. I can't get anything done anymore. I sit in front of my computer day in, day out trying to start projects but I know I never will because I can never achieve the perfection that I want. Its getting to be a very serious problem for me. It seems to be mainly work related - I can happily live in an untidy environment.I look at the work that I have done and I just see that its not good enough. I see the mistakes and lack of creativity. I get really depressed that I'm not achieveing anything. I feel that I'm letting my wife down. She works really hard as a teacher. Although she is very supportive I'm sure that there is only so much she can take of me.
I've started reading "Never Good Enough" by Monica Ramirez Basco. I would recomend it. At least now I know there are others out there like me. But I'm not sure if its really helping. I thinking of getting some professional help because I can't carry on like this. social anxiety and perfectionism - adam - Mar 26th 2009
i've always been shy and anxious in social situations, but recently i've also started being aware of how much i feel the need to be perfect. i avoid doing anything where i might make a mistake in public. i try to think of what people expect, and then be that. i get very stressed about picking out gifts for people because i always try to get the perfect thing, and will drive myself crazy trying to find it. i think this goes along with social anxiety in a lot of ways where i'm just very self conscious and concerned what others think of me. as a kid i hated sports where i would be the center of attention and might screw up and get made fun of. i've gotten much better about all this since then, but still get nervous about every day things. a physical perfectionist (AKA I abuse myself) - i'm 12 - Feb 28th 2009
hi, I'm a physical perfectionist. Meaning, that when no one is looking I will abuse myself. Recently I've slapped myself and subtly starved myself. I need help. Any advice? i'm fifteen - berlyn - Feb 20th 2009
and i'm a perfectionist. i am a freshman in high school and i find it very hard to cope with this mental disability. i have a psychologist, although she thinks i do not have OCD, that i am just a perfectionist. i am a huge procrastinator. and by the time i do pick up my homework or project for school, i can't do it. i feel like i have wasted too much time. i feel like i am not doing my best. i'll end up doing the project; have everyone around me asking me questions like, "how long did it take you to do that?" and "wow berlyn, your project looks great. i'm sure you'll get an A+". all i can do is say thanks, smile... and get my A. i strive for perfection. last quarter, i got a one F and two D's on my report card. i was devastated. i'm grounded for a month. i can't see my boyfriend of seven months. i'm going crazy. i'm depressed. i focus so much on my school work now, that my boyfriends feels as if i am losing interest in him. i'm going to get help, and try to overcome this mental fear. i'm a fifteen year old perfectionist... in need of some serious understanding. Working on it - - Feb 5th 2009
I think perfectionism might have been learned from my mom always keeping the house perfectly spotless, making my bed after I went to school, and having things just so. I never realized the effect that her attitude on life had on me until recently. Everything has to be clean and spotless in my bedroom in order for my anxiety to be relieved and to be able to function (get school work done, read, journal, etc). Although the instant gratification of organizing and reorganizing can be fulfilling, when I think about the time it takes out of my day to be with people, to be having fun doing something, sleeping, exercising, reading, whatever, I get sick at myself. Not only do I hold a perfect standard for myself, but it overlaps into how I view other people. In my mind, I know that people are not perfect and I should not expect them to be, but my my thoughts are just the opposite when it comes to judging people on their appearance, actions, and so forth. I am trying to catch myself when I have these moments of perfectionism thoughts and remind myself that imperfection is real, it's messy, and human, and to enjoy imperfections and find the beauty in them. I am also trying to change my behaviors even if I want to do something else. Fighting this issue aggressively will take time, but through journaling about my progression and having patience with pitfalls I think I will begin to see the beauty of imperfection and rest in the fact that I am human and so are other people. - - Jan 26th 2009
These people posted above are not true perfectionist. If they were they would have their grammar spelled and punctuated correctly. Perfectly obsessed - - Dec 20th 2008
I have always had urges to do the things just the way I "feel" they should be done, usually what I consider to be the best possible way (to say - perfect way). It has affected my existence at all levels - from small daily stuff like shopping or cleaning, to major undertakings when I start something that will have longer effect in my life. I feel great hasitation in doing the things that turns into a severe checking, rumination and procrastination with some more important subjects. After doing it many years inadvertently I found that it fits in the realm of ocd, and that in certain periods of my life I have had many of the typical ocd symptoms. I think that ocd is mostly based on perfectionism because the necessity to exclude any possible presence of risk is like having an obsession for perfectionism with all the possible variations it may has (cleaning, checking, assuring that everything is just right). After reading the articles published in http://www.ocdonline.com/ concerning what is ocd and how to deal with it I have some hope that I'll be able to reduce the symptoms to manegeable level. Though I realised that understanding what is the problem I have is just the beggining and great efforts should be done to reduce the syptoms by practecing the offen painfil behavior therapy. A Hurtle I Can't Overcome - Danielle - Nov 16th 2008
I am a student in high school and fit all the classic signs of perfectionism. People refer to me as perfect and it makes me feel great but anything less than perfection, and my confidence is shot. I made it through junior high with a perfect GPA and now I'm in high school, finding it easier to be social and procrastinate on my homework than doing it because I am afraid of failure. My brother was also afraid of failure and became a huge disappointment to my parents, so there seems to be this pressure on me to achieve perfection, as well. It takes me way longer on tests than anyone else in my classes and a score lower than other people worries me. I'm also a gymnast and have been one for 12 years, and in gymnastics, one strives for perfection. This inability to be productive has limited me in so many ways, especially creatively because I'm afraid of how my creativity will be judged. It also makes it hard for me to leave my comfort zone. I know that going into college will be a rude awakening and will be impossible to cope with if I can't overcome this so if there are any suggestions or sources where I can stay anonymous and can find help, I would greatly appreciate it. I would be mortified for my parents to know that I'm anything less than their perfect daughter but I need to find a solution to turning my life around before this condition progresses and limits me further. I think im a perfectionist.... - diana - Oct 24th 2008
I've noticed that since being at university (im studying music btw) that I have quite a few problems. One for a start is that I have trouble opening up to people because I'm scared of what they might think of me. This is getting better because I have made some friends. I think this has mainly stemmed though from my father because whenever I had something to show him music wise he would always make it clear that it was never good enough he is a perfectionist aswell. So I've somehow got myself into that frame of mind and do sometimes find it hard to start projects. And I used to have a problem where I when I was in an awkward situation that I couldnt get away from with people around me I used to run away from them. But I do feel I really have obsessive thoughts at the moment and i'm wondering what to do??? More to tell....Oh yes ermmm I dont like situations that arent planned... Any help?? - Girl who knows there must be something wrong with her, but admitting it means failure! - Oct 15th 2008
I have always expected more from myself and expected the people around me to do nothing and that I would help. I hate myself for this - why can't I just live without overanalyzing...because I am a perfectionist. Do you think I like myself- no....the other thing is that I seek feedback and need positive reinforcement daily or I am not doing good enough. best at everything - teen girl - May 4th 2008
Since I was little I just had this feeling inside of me that I am the best and I have to be the best at everything to prove to others that I am the best. In everything. I excell in sports and in school, and I want to look perfect! I mean perfect, like those models in the advertisements, but even better (not skinny, but just perfect). And at school I have this urge to get the highest result, and then I usually feel great, but i still feel after a while that I had luck, that no I'm not the best, but I still have to prove that I AM. Eventually i stopped doing competitional sports, because of my obsession with perfectionism. I couldn;t cope with school and trainings and do them both at maximum. My parents became then worried, but they finally accepted that i don't want to do performance sports. Now I started jogging, but each day I want to run more and more. It's cvrazy especially that now I will ahve exams. My parents are telling me to get mor relaxed, leave teh study-room for while, but that makes me even more stressed. I can't wait exams to finish so I can read books about the world (another thing which i want is to understand everything). Oh, it's hard being myself, but I like it this way, because I managed to teach myself to be happy for little things. You can continue being a perfectionist and enjoying life, but ocassionally i am depressed. thanks God it doesn't last too long, I learnt how to handle it. So Good luck! It started when I was 7! - Brenda - Apr 6th 2008
My mom got sick when I was seven. I remember hearing that my mom was to have no stress. To me, a child, I didn't know what that meant, but I took it to mean that if I were bad my mom would die. So, I am forty now. I have spent 33 years being good, literally. It is a hard job. I also make it my job to keep everyone happy. I can't stand conflict in any way. I have suffered five major depressive episodes. Just this year I was diagnosed with OCD. Because of my OCD and my inability to keep everyone happy and keep everything just so my depression sets in. It does make perfect sense. The psychiatrist said that I am too nice and that is my problem. It is my personality. I am on a couple of new meds and we will see if they help. In 2003 my depression was so bad that I underwent 13 ECT treatments and really all that did was mess up my ability to remember a lot of things. I am trying to go with the flow and if someone is mad I have to let them be that way but it is like a fight everyday. Guilt is a big one and I just in general feel bad when things are not good. My family and friends have been so supportive and that is my hope for everyone who is dealing with mental illness is that they are not alone and that someone in their life is supporting and loving them no matter what. help? - Rose - Mar 5th 2008
hey, recently ive been feeling so over weight and everyone tells me im not, but im always dieting and not eating to make myself skinnier and i think im becoming a bit obsessed about slimming, slimming is constantly on my mind and i think i've got some kind of a disorder, please help? being a teenager. and a perfectionist. - - Dec 13th 2007
I don't have as much experience with this as adults do, but I feel that I have a problem. I have everything organized in my room (mostly alphabetical for things like books and movies) and if anything is moved from where I had it, I feel I cannot find it and shouldn't even try looking. Anything hanging on the walls has to be straight. If it's not..I'll straighten it! I'm constantly cleaning and organizing other parts of my house like the kitchen table, living room, etc. It's so hard to resist the urge to have things exactly perfect-they way I want them. and yet, it's never good enough. never even close to perfect. The thought that anything I do isn't good enough is with me every day. Most of the time, like in school, I have to try and put my thoughts away and focus on math. or english. or spanish. but the thoughts are still always with me. I just want to be freed from this, and able to live my life without worry and anxiety! I lost my best friend because I was too much of a perfectionist, couldn't get over my OCD. It's another thought that is with me everyday, holding me back from living my life. ugh. :S I wonder...is this curable? will it ever go away? Eternal Perfectionist - - Oct 1st 2007
From the day I was born, I was a perfectionist. Everything I ate, played with, and did had to be done absolutely perfect, even when I was too young to talk. I never let people use my stuff because they broke it and still do that. I remember the first few times I realized I was imperfect. #1 in kindergarten I refused to spell the word "knife" with a "k" even though the teacher said so because it didn't sound right and I had never been proved wrong in my life. Then, I cried when I was told by a teacher that I spelled a word wrong because perfect people don't spell things wrong. I never wanted to go to school again. And even though I have accepted the fact that you can be wrong every now and then, my own imperfections nag at me and continue to wreck havoc. Oh well. I really give all of my luck to my fellow perfectionists. You might want to read about obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which has nothing to do with obsessive compulsive disorder. I have both of them. :-) *sigh of perfection* Think I am... - Annette - Jan 2nd 2007
The symptoms I have been having are procrastination, fear, and panic. Why am I so fearful at the start of a new job, that my arm froze up and I couldn't move it without excruiating pain? I figured I was afraid, duh!, but, why? This has happened more than once in my life, spaced far apart in time, so that I can only look back now to see it as an occurence I have dealt with throughout myl ife.
When I perfom oil painting, it must be perfect. Quilting, must be perfect...starch items so that when sewn, total perfection! Things look good that way. Oil painting...everything laid out in an analytical manner...to be followed without flaw. I love the thinking and planning of hobbies more than the doing of them.
Religion - follow the rules!!! You must be perfect to be okay with God!!! (I know theologically that this is not what Jesus wants, cause we can't be perfect, but, it's there inside me.) I find myself condeming of people who are not perfect, or give into temptation. And, if and when I do, well, there is no forgiveness for me. It's been hell to be me. Never measuring up.
My son mentioned to me that I am a perfectioinist. I looked at him in astonishment. Now, his father is a perfectionist, but, we're not here to talk about him. I asked my son how he could think of me like that, since I am very comfortable with things that are a mess. "Itls in the way you tackle things, how you want things done, your art, your work. Everything has to be done perfectly, or else". And, then, when I do clean I am always so angry at how things are in such a disarray, and I wish that they would never get that way. and I clean compulsively.
I used to be a perfectionist about my weight. Tape measured everything. Even did some of those diets that kept me far too skinny, though I was never anorexic. If I had known about binge and purge, I know I would of done that. And why? One reason - to see how far I could go. Two - control. Control must be connected to pride. ("Look at what I did. Aren't I wonderful? It wouldn't of happened without me. The world, my family, needs me. Without me, they can't function.")
I have lived with self-condemnation all my life. I have been breaking free of it, which is a miracle!!! With my son, whenever we have broken things, spilled items on "important" pieces of furniture or clothes, I always told him, "Hey, no problem, it's just furniture, clothes, replaceable" and tell him that everyone has accidents. I would then ask myself why I was taking that approach and not berating him. "Well, I love him. I don't want to be that way to him. Gosh, who wants a kid to be fearful of their parents", I would answer to the thought. Then why can't you be loving to yourself, that way?
So, I thought I would look up on being a perfectionist...just to see if it could be true. It might answer some of my questions on why I do what I do, think what I think, and make the problems for myself that I do. Maybe I can be more conscious of being nice to myself and others now. PERFECTIONIST CRAZY - GRACE GARCIA - Nov 18th 2006
I NEVER THOUGHT I HAD A PROBLEM EXCEPT THINKING I WAS EXCESSIVLY CLEAN. I CANNOT GO ANY WHERES BEFORE MY HOME, CAR, YARD AND EVERY HOUSE HOLD CHORE IS COMPLETE. I WILL BE LATE FOR APPOINTMENTS AND CERTAIN THINGS BECAUSE I MAKE SURE I LEAVE EVERYTHING LOOKING GOOD FOR WHEN I COME HOME SUPPOSELY TO RELAX, THEN I FIND MORE TO CLEAN. I DRIVES ME CRAZY AND IT DOES GET CALLED TO MY ATTENTION BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP. I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSE WITH ANXIETY AND WAS GIVEN ELAVIL AND ATIVAN TO CALM ME DOWN. AND I AM A WORKAHOLIC I DONT STOP TILL BED TIME . I KNOW I MAKE MY CHILDREN UNCOMFORTABLE AT MANY TIMES BEHIND THIS BEHAVIOR WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE IT CHANGE? Living with Perfectionist' Wife - Phil Collins - Nov 14th 2006
The article written by Dr. Schwartz is very enlightening and refreshing. I use the word refreshing because it has helped me regain a bit of my own sense of mental stability. For many years I have watched my wife become more and more critical, negative, judgmental of anything I do or say or don't do or don't say and she has the same attitude towards others. I have questioned what I was observing about her, that maybe what she is always right. I have asked for forgivness, verbally and in writing, for all I have done wrong, but never have received any kind of response, except a critical one. Thanks Dr. Schwartz for your helpful article. this is exact! - mat - Nov 8th 2006
what Mr.Schwartz wrote here is the exact truth of it! ive read a book recently ; Flowers for Algernon, it talks about a retarded man that has this exact problem. excelent book by the way and great writting. My perfectionist behavior - Patrick - Jul 13th 2006
I work in a corporate office, my desk is spotless. I constantly clean my desk. Everyone else has photos, letters, post-it's etc. I can't stand anything in my cubicle. During my review I self rated myself at level 1. I can not handle leaves or anything else in my front yard. I walk around for hours picking up leaves and debris. My wide caught me on a ladder sawing branches of the tree off. I figured it would eliminate some of the dropped leaves. I can't handle cracks in the driveway or sidewalks. I buy 60 pound bags of mortar mix, and pour some in a bucket. I crawl around the sidewalk and fill cracks using a spoon to get the samll cracks filled. Then I use a 1 gallon spray bottle and wet the mortar. I freaked out the other day and weed wacked my entire back yard. It is not only dirt. I pick at my wifes arms everytime I'm around her. I find small bumps on her arms and back, and I pick at them. I don't think she can take it anymore. I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow.
ps.
I can not drive in a vehicle with anything in it, not even a pen. I constantly vac. my trucks carpet and use tweezers to pull small hairs from the carpet and seats.
My wife has her own car, I go nuts driving in her car, she has shoes, purses, cd's, etc. in her car. The other day I took everything out of her car, she freaked out.
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Readers in the Boulder, Colorado metro area (or Denver area people willing to drive) may contact Dr. Schwartz for face-to-face consultation and psychotherapy. Email him at dransphd@aol.com for details.