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Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
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Internet Pornography, Harmless Fun?

Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. Updated: Jul 8th 2006

Introduction:

For several years now, a controversy has been debated as to whether or not there is such a thing as Internet Addiction. In fact, many years ago one individual contacted me via E. Mail inquiring about starting psychotherapy because he could not tear himself away from the Internet. He left his telephone number and I, naively, believing he was serious, called him to see if he wanted to schedule an appointment. After he picked up the phone and I identified myself, he reacted in a shocked way and asked why I called him? When I told him that I thought he wanted help in getting away from the Internet he said yes, he did want help: via E. Mail!!

Though I suspect this reads like a joke that should be followed by a "bad um bum," I must sadly report that it is a true story.

However, there is another related and serious debate over the issue of the Internet and pornography. The debate is over whether Internet pornography is harmful to adult viewers. There have always been those people who consider pornography nothing more than another example of freedom of the press and freedom that some people have to express themselves. However, this is not a political discussion but one that has to do with human emotions and mental health. In addition, this article directs itself to the issue of Internet Pornography and not to any other forms.

Fictionalized Cases:

During the past fifteen years, a significant number of men have presented in psychotherapy with complaints about a compulsion to watch pornography. Like any compulsion, the complaints were an inability to control the impulse to view adult websites. In some cases, this was happening at the work place with the fear that it could lead to being discovered and fired. In other cases, this took up such an enormous about of time each day that important tasks were not being completed. There were also those men who feared that their wives would find out about how they were using their computers and would be extremely angry with them. In all cases, the viewing was accompanied by masturbation, followed by the fear that they would not have enough libidinal energy left over for their wives or girl friends.

None of these men complained about the quality of the sexual relationship they had with their intimate partners. In addition, most of them reported that they had good relationships and were quite happy. In a few cases, the intimate partner either knew about the pornography because it was not kept secret or they had discovered it by accident. In all cases, the wives or girl friends were disapproving and wanted the activity to end. Depending on the psychology of the individual woman, some felt as though they were being rejected by their male partners because the images on the screen must have been more pleasing than they were. A few others reacted to this as though their partners were having an illicit affair. In a few examples where the viewing became accompanied by E. Mail with the women on the adult sites, the wives or girl friends felt threatened, angry, and were on the verge of ending the relationship. Trust became a major issue, particularly if the viewing was being done in secret and even more so if it was accompanied by E. Mails or chats. Finally, there were many women who felt that the pornography was disgusting to view, and that it debased and devalued women.

What is most significant is that there were some men who presented viewing the adult sites as a problem of their own , separate and apart from what their partner might or might not approve of. In addition to reporting unhappiness with wasting a lot of valuable time during the day, these men admitted to feeling isolated, lonely, empty, guilty, and adolescent as a result of this activity. Yet, they couldn't stop themselves.

In some cases, these men were able to use psychotherapy to cease viewing this material and in other cases, they started attending SA or Sex Addicts Anonymous and were pleased with the results.

Discussion:

In light of the experiences presented above, I can only conclude that viewing pornography on the internet is harmful in a number of ways:

Harmful Effects of Internet Pornography

Internet Pornography:

-Threatens marital and intimate relationships.

- Is experienced as being isolating and depressing.

- Shares many qualities of other addictions, such as not being able to control the impulse to view it.

- Threatens employment if done at work.

- Is extremely unproductive and leads to frustration on the part of the viewer.

- Due to the interactive nature of the Internet, can lead to direct contact with the models on the adult sites.

- Can harm the self esteem of some men who feel adolescent in viewing these sites and masturbating.

- Is offensive to many wives and girl friends who often feel rejected and not good enough as a result.

- Angers people who consider it to be exploitive and debasing to women.

- There is always worry that children could discover the pornography on computers used at home.

In the many cases I have experienced in the psychotherapeutic setting, viewing internet pornography was not harmless fun and posed serious complications for relationships and for individual mental health.

What is your opinion? Your thoughts, opinions and experiences are encouraged.

Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D.

Readers in the Boulder, Colorado metro area (or Denver area people willing to drive) may contact Dr. Schwartz for face-to-face consultation and psychotherapy. Email him at dransphd@aol.com for details.

Reader Comments
Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

Getting Through It - - Jan 4th 2010

I knew my husband looked at porm when we started dating.  We have always been open with our communication and honest about our feelings.  When he found out that how it made me feel (i.e. degraded, not good enough, cheated on, disrespected, etc) He got rid of it.  This meant the world to me.  A few years later I found a playboy he had accidently left out, finding out that he had a pretty significant size collection (Not excessive, but normal) of porn movies and magazines. I was DEVASTATED!  This was one of the biggest if not the biggest fight we have ever gotten into.  I felt so betrayed and hurt for both the porn, but mostly for the lying and secretly keeping it from me.  My husband sees it as a part of his sexuality and it has been a part of him way long before I came into the picture.  He said he uses it for masturbating only and like many men try to explain, it has nothing to do with his relationship with me.  He reassured me of how it doesn't change his feelings, views or desire for me.  I had a really difficult time undestanding his reasons and views.  I just thought, How could this be separated from our relationship?  You say, You only want me, yet you are desiring all these other women.... I felt so low.  We decided to go to counseling and it helped tremedously.  We both opened up a lot about the issue.  I did a lot of thinking of he is outside of this porn thing.  He was everything I wanted.  We all know there is no perfect man or woman out there and if this man was perfect for me, was I going to end our amazing relationship over porn.   After couseling and a lot of talking it through on our own.  He agreed to stop looking at porn.  He explained that he didn't realize until this blew up how much it truly hurt me and it was not worth it.   On my end, I know that he is still masturbating, which is completely natural and it would be awful of me to expect him not to.  He may not be looking at porn any longer, but he has for many years and I know those images are still accesible in his brain for him to use when the urge arises for him to masturbate.  I have accepted it, but I still struggle with the differences at times. He and I am sure many other males view this so differently than woman. 

From time to time I have a need to talk about it, but less and less and my husband is amazing enough to talk it through with me as much as I need. I guess I need affirmation after the lying and needing to built the trust again.  But he is always honest and upfront with all his feelings, even though it may be not want I want to hear.  But I rather hear that than I lie!

I know that the way men and woman view pornography for the most part is very different.  There are some women who have no issues with it.  And If I was one of those women, my husband would return to that in a heart beat I know (he's told me)  I happen to be a women who feels differently about it.  Not that it is wrong, it is just different.  And like many differences in men and women, if we truly love our partner, we find a happy medium and try to meet each other half way.  Unfortunately, there are some differences that we cannot live with and must part ways, but that is up to each and everyone of us to determine if this to that level of importance. 

Both my husband and I have given forth something to work out this difference.  And I know he has made a bigger sacrifice that I in this.  The first step is just to agree to disagree.  No matter how many times I explain how awful this makes me feel, he will not change how he views it or how he feels about it.  But he loves me enough to work something out for the both of us.  This is what works for us and I work on accepting our differences in this matter all the time.  Men will always find women sexually attractive everywhere, not just porn.  It certainly is not worth loosing the best man I have found and wish to spend the rest of my life with.  He is still the same man I fell in love with.  If things were to change we certainly would bring it back up.  But at this point after 5 years we seem to be in a good place and we are still true to ourselves and each other.

Pornography - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Dec 8th 2009

To all readers:

The purpose of this discussion is to understand a serious human problem. The purpose is NOT to engage in male bashing nor is it to engage in female bashing. People are writing comments out of anger and without thinking first.

For example, it is NOT true that wives do not want sex with their husbands. In fact, that is a ludicrous statement. No gender has a monopoly on sex or sexual desire.

In the same way, both men and women exploit the porn industry. In fact, there are men and under age boys who are sexually exploited in this horrible industry.

Let's stop attacking and blaming one another and return to the more important discussion of the ways in which porno affects marriage and children who become exposde to it through their explorations of the Internet.

Dr. Schwartz

Male bashing & control of male sex is not the issue... - A real woman - Dec 8th 2009

What kind of mind reasons that it's a "loud mouthed feminist" attitude and "male control" issues  or a narsasistic ego that drives women to dislike thier husband's infidelity issues of not keeping sex exclusive to a marriage by using porn? A male macho ego that believes he is entitled to multiple sex partners regardless of how it effects his wife or family. Your sir and your attitude that your taking your sex life back into control is a the taletale statement that you are in a power play with your wife over sex you feel you should still seek - your the one who can't control your compulsive nature to wander about the planet spewing your it's a bargaining tool she can't use on me...Idiot.  It's all about him - his desires, his wants, his needs, disrespect to his lover,  his lack of character that says I am not commited to you nor will I ever be when it comes to sex.  What a sad commentary on men who think it's all about women male bashing and wanting it only when they want it..

 I believe all wedding vows as stated in society both civil and religious all state that you are going to be faithful and loyal to the one your commiting your professed love to. I don't believe there is any wording in there saying you can have mulitple sex parteners whenever wanted. I'm with ya baby till bored or the next best thing comes along.. What a crock. Wanting sex outside of your primary relationship is non commitment on your end. If your spouse ( male or female ) is insulted by it, angered by it, hurt by it, or disgusted by it, and it's not mututally agreed upon together as a couple..then it should be off limits.  You entered into a union of two..not your and porn girl, cyber sex honey. or stripper Ho falshing her crap in the mag rags for all to see. If my man had said honey - I love you dearlly, but I will be having sex with these other whores over here a few times a year in secret, will that be OK - I think I would have said..Um NO!!!!!!!!  jI don't put out for someone who can't remember what he promised or should do morally or sexually.   I don't think people enter into a marriage with the attitude that I'll keep my sex life seperate honey and do ya later after I'm done doing substitute ( girl or guy ) over here...All that says is negative things to your lover and shows an untrustworthy or non committed person out for himself and selfish needs only.  I never belittled my man, faked a headache to keep it when I wanted it only, etc.  I don't use it a bargaining tool. But damned straight know that it did piss me off to the point that I said..no I will not be used or abused by someone who can't keep his loyalies where they belong..his eyes in his head or his dick in his pants..Disgraceful, disrespectful, and shitty way to treat someone you say you love.  Hit the road jack with your anti woman attitude..you need some real soul searching to find out why you are so disconnected with your feelings. and use women like toys, decorations, entertainment, or service minded workers only.  I  pity your wife if you have one. All deceiscions made should be for the benefit of the couple and the combined happiness of both.  Porn is the fastest growing reason listed for divorce today.  If your hiding it no matter what the behavior from your spouse- there is shame or guilt associated with it being wrong or percieved by someone as questionable.  Just try to be an honest person and let your spouse decide if that's something they can live with or not before acting out in ways that can harm the entire family dynamics..it will trickle down and touch all in house.  Women and children.  There is nothing good in porn..just lies, fake pumped up pics designed to get a sexual response and dollar out of you the user..solo sex so shallow and cheap..one sided..boring.  If you gotta pay for it or steal someones sexuality of they cyberworld you not Mr. Hot to Trot..but Mr. SAd and lonely..Get a life - your one angry dude who has no clue how to treat a women or yourself.  It's called RESPECT plain and simple.

To DBW - - Apr 21st 2009

I fail to see how all of the world's problems, including MEN having problematic pornography viewing habits, are the fault of women.  The majority of the world has been dominated by a patriarchy for most of history, and remains so today, despite advances made by "loudmouth" feminists in trying to achieve EQUAL rights for women.  The misogyny you have displayed in this post is all too tied to the problems many people have with pornography in relationships. 

the battle of sex - larry - Jan 31st 2009

It has come to me that the battle of sex is just like any other battle it isl about who control the words ,ideals and the mind. Many wives try to act as if sex isn't important but, when you go out and have affair or find other ways to get your needs met then it's problem. Many wives will use the same old line about how he only touch me when he want some but these are the same wives who will become interested have sex when they want something from you. Once again if your are not interested in have sex with your wife then something is wrong with you and they will assume you have sex with somebody else or you are not a " really man" or if you want to have sex alot then something is wrong with you. I agree with guy who said ' that women want control and when they don't have control then it's a problem. How come porn it's not a problem for oraph to talk about it and some of her sex therapist has have encourage women to use it but it's a problem when the man use it?

It's always about her - Allan N Schwartz - Jan 29th 2009

Hi dbw,

Actually, it is important for both men and women to not engage in mutual blame and not engage in making sweeping generalizations. Many of the couples I have seen who came to treatment because of the pornography issue admitted to having active and satisfying sexual lives with one another. That is the point. Why does pornography become an issue in those situations. I cannot pretend to have an answer but can only state that it becomes a point of contention.


As to not marrying today, that is something that both men and women are choosing to do. However, instead of marrying, they live together and experience many of the same problems including dealing with pornography. So as not to make sweeping generalizations it must be stated that there are those wives and girl friends who enjoy the pornography as much as the men and join into it together.

Stop condemning everyone for just being human and struggling with daily life.

Dr. Schwartz

 

I agree with you - - Jan 29th 2009

I think it's harmful. It does not bring real happiness or satisfaction. Only a real relationship can do that. It is a lye. It's not true intimacy. Human beings were designed with a deep need to love and be loved , truly cared for by someone. If you wasted your life on porn all your life and never had that when your life is over or you're dying do you think your going to say oh, I wish I had spent more time wacking off. I've heard other men complain of the negative emotions it leaves on their heart and minds. It's a wasted life. I think your life will never be as fulfilling or happy for anyone who falls prey to it. It's growing like hot cakes on the internet, but is it really a good thing for our society or people in general. No, I don't think so. The internet can be used in a good way or a bad way with its amazing ability to transmit so much information. I think it plants an evil seed. It's an easy way for women to make money, but it does not just leave unharmed lives in its path. Also mentally, look at how you could be hurting your mind. Especially if you are bright and smart. I've heard really smart engineers and students have went downhill in their schoolwork and thinking abilities. I think it hurts your very soul. Is it fun, yes. However, it's not without consequences. Physical attractions wear off too. The majority of it is airbrushed supposedly, so are you seeing this person as they would be in the flesh for real. I hope you like my thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

It's always about her... - dbw - Jan 17th 2009

The same women who complain about their husbands use of porn are too often the same women who complain that their husbands want too much sex. The fact is this; women always want to control the sex in a marriage. Women KNOW that sex is a primary need and drive with men. Women monopolize this. By getting the man to "forsake all others" for HER puts HIS sex life in her hands completely. The man becomes sexually dependent on HER and the wife EXPLOITS this. Whenever the husband has not "pleased" his wife by not making enough money, not fulfilling her every narcissistic emotional "need", etc. she can and DOES refuse him sex. Anything that robs her of this bargaining power she will despise. Women do not like pornography because the husband is no longer completely dependent on her for sex, thus, if she witholds sex, he has an alternative. She has lost her control of him. He can safely ignore her narcissistic demands for behavior changes, he can safely ignore her constant bitching and verbal abuse without losing sexual output. He has taken the control of his own sex life back into his own hands and the wife has little to bargain with.

     I am disturbed by your slant toward the woman, Allan. Whenever a man is TOO dependant on his wife for sex, therapists like yourself are ready to label the man a "sex addict". When the man turns the table, takes his sex life back under HIS control then you label him a "porn addict".  In this latter case instead of labeling the man a porn addict, why not label the woman a sex addict? As she is now complaining about the lack of sex in her marriage as HE used to do. The fact is, Allan, that this nation is gynocentric. Men are bad, women are good. Now that men don't want to marry women like they used to, people like you will not blame women and the biased family court system, instead you accuse men of "committment PHOBIA". Give me a f*cking break man! when will this end? when will this society start to treat men with the dignity that it teats it's mostly undeserving women? When will this nation stop this childish B.S. and start demanding that women take responsability for themselves? When will men stop getting the blame for all the ills of society and marital disharmony? I have an answer; when men stop marrying. That has already begun! It is well underway. Loudmouth feminists have bashed and belittled men for decades now, all the while the men quietly began to refuse to marry. The numbers are growing daily. This is a threat to the future of western society and it will grow bigger until everyone recognizes it and aknowledge it's cause and reverses the trends of abuse and neglect toward males. Until then, it will remain "ALL ABOUT HER" won't it Allan?

Women, Porno and thier Narcissistic self. - Larry - Dec 20th 2008

 I wrote comment on Sex and Marriage about " Your Wife Might be Narcissistic? I have read the comments from the wives/girlfriends about her husband/boyfriends Porno watching. It seems to me that most of these wife/ girlfriends are upset  because; thier husband is spending time on chat line and porn site than them. These wives/girlfriends follow a pattern that is common among women of today and that is that have to be the center of attention and are vengeful. If you listen to thier it's always about how thier husband/boyfriends porn behavior is destroying the marriage. Each one of them use and follow the patterns of Narcissistic Wife.

1.Accuses you of being insenstive or uncaring without cause or notice. These are very same wives who will brag to thier girlfriends about how they make up excuses or fake sick just to avoid sex. These are also the same wives who would demean and devalue thier husbands feelings in front of thier friends and childern. They become angry when challenged or confronted about thier behavior and the impact it's having on the relationship. 

2. The Narcissistic Wife is self- absorbed and self- center to her husbands  that she expects him to but is needs before her.

Excessive Porn is bad  but; The Real  Problem is Narcissistic Wives/Girlfriends don't like Competition. IF these Porn Site  was  telling thier husbands that you shouldn't GET MAD OR UPSET WHEN YOUR WIFE MANIPULATES YOU TO GET HER NEEDS MET AND DISCOUNT YOUR FEELINGS SHE WOULD ALLOW YOU TO STAY ON LINE ALLDAY LONG.

REMEMBER WHAT  THE NARCISSISTIC WIFE  MOTTO IS: IT'S ALL ABOUT ME. I KNOW SOME WILL RESPONDS WILL STORY OF SAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN BUT MUST OF THIER ARE UPSET THAT THIER HUSBAND/BOYFRIENDS FOUND OTHER WAYS TO GET THIER NEEDS.

WHAT ABOUT WOMEN PORN ON TV , IN BOOKS,AND IN THE MOVIES

1. SEX IN THE CITY A SHOW THAT DEVALUES MEN  JUST SO THEY CAN GET THIER NEEDS MET. THE INPACT THIS HIS HAVING ON MARRIAGES WHEN A WOMEN THINK THAT  SEX IN THE CITY IS REAL.

2. WHAT ABOUT THE LIFE CHANNEL THAT SHOW  PROBLEM THAT RE-ENFORCES SEEKING ATTENTION IN INDIRECT  WAYS SUCH; SEX BECOMING ANGRY WHEN THE MAN DOESN'T MAKE HER THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

3. NO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE OF HOURS SPENT ON WATCHING OPARH, TYRA BANKS SHOW, BLACK BETTY, DESPERATED HOUSE WIFE AND LIFETIME TV.

OUT of control - - Dec 15th 2008

Neat theory,Kirk, I have heard that one before. Problem is, porn is a toxic thing- in my marriage, it started small, and has morphed into 4-6 hours a day of excessive porn usage. Memberships on sex dating websites,, constant masturbation Even with children in the house in the next room, walking by ime after time- he is unconcerned- I don't evenleave my daughter with him for an hour anymore, becuse as soon as I walk out the door he is on the computer masturbating while I am gone and she is home alone wit himif she were hit by a car, he probably wouldn't notice until I pulled up in the driveway and he was suddenly trying to delete his history off the computer), chatting with old girlfriends, emailing multiple women the same email, sending pics of himself doing things at work that would get him fired if he were caught, reading sex stories about men having sex with their daughters, boys, etc. It has gotten worse and worse and worse. Our marriage is probably not going t survive it, because he seems to think it isn't really a problem, although he lies incessantly to me and is so decietful it is hard to believe I thought he had ethics once. Give me a break. If he thought I was important, if he had any regard for me at all, after all the counselig we have done and everything else, this would not be happening. He is choosing this intensifying obsession over his family, plain and simple. And it is not 'normal' nor healthy, it is absurdly out of control.

Another View - Kirk - Oct 4th 2008

First, I'm rather surprised by Dr. Schwartz's unrelentingly negative view here. I'm pretty sure it does not reflect the entirety of professional opinion or even necessarily the majority. It would be interesting if he would invite a psychotherapist with differing views to comment. I can truly sympathize with the feelings of pain and betrayal women feel and can imagine having similar feelings if I were in their position. 

At the same time, I think there is a misunderstanding vis a vis male sexuality. Being turned on by sexual stimuli, be it hard core pornography, the Victoria's Secret catalog or a woman in a beer commercial does not mean that a man does not find his wife attractive, nor does it represent an act of betrayal any more than enjoying a Quarter Pounder means that he doesn't like his wife's cooking. Certainly, some men use pornography in an unhealthy way but I suspect that the main problem, insofar as damaging relationships is the inability of women to recognize that it is not necessarily about them or any defficiency on their part. I'm not trying to "blame the victim" here, men and women are simply wired the way they are and most women are going to see this as a threat to their marriage and family. I merely suggest that in many if not most cases, the threat is perhaps less dire than perceived. Of course, perceived threats have a real negative effect. 

Perhaps there are no professionals who share my view, but I suspect there may be. As is stands, with all due respect, I feel that you are presenting one view which consistently supports the understandable anxieties of your readers without suggesting an alternative thesis.

ADHD Porn Addict - Me - Jul 26th 2008

In a relationship with a ADHD male who masturbates to pornography 2-4 times EVERY DAY.  He appears to be bored frequently, and also takes male enhancement pills (i.e. Horny Goat Weed, and so on).

 In a similar situation as other women, except I do not "react" to his addiction. It is what is. Addictions are all the same (drugs, alcohol, sex); it involves something that someone cannot STOP on their own...either they refuse to stop or simply are not even conscious of their problem. I/We are the one who must choose to stay or leave knowing what we are dealing with. Most of us are dealing with men who hide, lie, blame, and/or deny the problem. 

Some men do not have intercourse with their partners and choose pornography instead.  Conversely, some men DO have sex with their partners, but still want MORE.

Are all men this way? Probably not. It would be foolish to say that all women are "Y" ... and all men are "X".  Different people do different things. Again addictions are a strange paradox; addicts may do anything to get their fix (lie, cheat, steal, be secretive, etc).  Many of us are in situations that make it difficult to leave (e.g. finances, children, etc).  I am facing a similar dilemma too.

I just want to encourage women out there to "keep the peace/faith". In other words, why stress out or be sad/angry over another person's illness? If our husbands were alcoholics or drug addicts, would we blame ourselves too.  We can't keep doing that!  It's not our fault, nor is it the fault of the porn stars, or beer/alcohol companies, per se.  You will only make yourself ill worrying about someone else's problem.

We cannot fix what someone feels is not broken. We cannot change someone whom does not want to change.  We cannot help addicts; they must realize their condition, and be willing to change themselves.

Instead, realize that a problem does exist. Do not scold, yell, blame, or even question him. Where is that gonna get you?  Acknowledging his condition to him will only cause him to "react" either via denial, honesty, or even greater secrecy. Rather, listen, watch, and learn; pay attention quietly and find even more evidence!  Get help for yourself; if finances are your problem, begin to save for your potential escape. 

Does your partner know that you know? Does he want help?  Maybe, or maybe not! Read good psychological text like Dr. David Lieberman's, "Never Be Lied to Again".  Be smart/safe!  Cleverly probe and learn more. Ask him psych-questions, like, "My friend Maria found out that her husband Dave watches porn all the time...what do you think about that...what should she do?  Be smart ladies! Ask your partner indirect questions and get his view on the matter. Investigate!

Have you seen Desparate Housewives? Remember what Bree went through after finding out her husband's secret? There are many ways to combat our challenges in life. Do not be weak, guilty, ashamed, or sad. People are strange creatures - yes, we are!

If your partner does not recognize/admit/confess/realize the problem, remember that being stressed, angry, or sad over someone else's addictions/illness will get you no where!  Be smart! Simply devise a plan (stay or leave), but SAVE YOURSELF.  Women, we are the creators of life - godesses - in splendor and beauty ... act like it!

 

It is an addiction - Agent47 - Jul 7th 2008
Internet porn is an addiction that needs to be stopped.  Porn, in general, numbs the senses to real life interactions and even can make one feel homosexual or bisexual after too much viewing of male and female (hetero) porn.  Eventually, the mind becomes consumed with the images of and man and women having sex-where the woman is probably hotter than your gf/wife and the man is physically more built and well endowed than the viewer.  I realized this was an issue for me when I started to have problems getting a full erections with my gf.  Just like anything addictive: drugs, abuse, sex, work--internet porn can be stopped and you can go back to leading a normal life.  A quote from 8mm, "When you dance with the devil, the devil doesn't change, the devil changes you."  You may think you can control your feelings with porn, but porn is a "sin of the flesh" and meant to alter your mind to destroy it from the normal feelings a man has for a women or a women has for a man.  The worst part with giving up porn is that constant easy release you can get from it.  Moreover, your mind and body will fight you with anxiety attacks, loss of sleep, and feelings of guilt because of your wanting to stop.  If I can stop, anyone can stop--but you have to want to stop.  You can either want to and call on God to help you, or do it because you want to, but either way you need someone to help you.

Porn isn't 'bad' but is used to avoid intimacy - Nicole - Jun 5th 2008

My husband looks at porn too, and has done so as long as I have known him.  He says he just does it for stress relief, and that he doesn't want to come to me for a quick and impersonal release because it would make me feel like an object.  That is fine, I don't mind him looking at porn once in awhile for that reason.  In fact, I look at porn sometimes too for that reason.

The problems are in the secrecy and the tendency for me to feel replaced.  We have sex about every other month.  That's about 5 or 6 times in a YEAR.  I can't help but feel like it would be more often if he didn't go looking for porn all the time.  He is also very secretive about it, won't discuss what his fantasies are or what sites he is visiting.  I TELL HIM WHAT I DO and only want him to reciprocate.  It doesn't bother me that he knows which sites I visit.  Yet if my computer is down and I need to check email or something, he won't even let me on his computer for a few minutes with him around.  He feels like that is some major violation of his privacy, even if he is there with me!  It really hurts because it makes me feel like there's something really important he is hiding.

The only time he even tries to hold my hand or cuddle is when he is turned on and wants sex.  And he only approaches me for sex once in a blue moon, and most of the time he sees me naked it doesn't even phase him.  I am not ugly.  Not a hottie, but at least average looking woman.

The point is this: Porn can be a harmless, fun supplement to a healthy sexual relationship.  But there is a fine line between doing that and letting it become habit-forming and used INSTEAD of intimacy with one's partner.  That is where it hurts, because I feel more like a roommate than a spouse.

PORN CAN DISORIENT AND SEPARATE YOU FROM GOD - JOE - Mar 30th 2008

Watching porn film is not good in any way, it can easily disorient the one that watch it. By ones ability, it is not easy to leave wathing porn, but then, there is God that can help if you sincerely ready to stop.

All you need to do is to confess your sins unto Him, tell God to remove this dirty spirit from you completely. Invite Jesus Christ into your life and He will give you power to become an overcomer.

I pray that God will help you as you are ready to do away with this harmful films and images.

You women, if your husband watches this ungly pictures, what you can do is to let him know the evil this thing can invent into the marriage, but be patient with him and pray for him, both of you should jointly seek help from God  so that he can be release from the grip of enemy.

If you are a christian and you watch porn, do not forget that the bible says that our body is the temple of God, He warn us not to be unequally yoke with the unbeliver.

It is never too late for you and me toconfess our sins forsake them, God is a loving father, He will forgive and empower us to live an overcomer's life.

Joe 

huge problem - - Feb 10th 2008
Pornos on the net when not discussed in the open ruin marriages. I found out that my husband was watching these for 5 hours straight while I was at work not taking care of the child in the house period, while he was doing this. When confronted he lied to my face for 3 weeks straight. Do you ever get trust back in your marriage after something like this?

Indeed a problem - - Dec 28th 2007

I am not married, but have always thought looking at porn and chatting with women I do not know, sometimes meeting them, have random sex that started as online chat, is normal...  Well it's not, it gets to the point on which I am no longer able to interact with real people outside internet, think is so much easier to watch porn, or meet someone online....  I just deleted tons of porn from my local drive, and I am planning to do the same with my dvds, it's just not worth it, I have a gf (whom I also met online) and think not even that is real, I led her to do the exact same hardcore things I watched in porn movies, and she, a real person is affected by my inner motives.  No, it's not fun anymore, it's a problem when we masturbate 3 or 4 times a day, and it takes us from being social capable people.

keeping it secret from you - merry christmas - Dec 26th 2007
Ways your partner may be keeping porn a secret is on a usb/memory stick.  These files can be deleted by right clicking on them and deleting.  Also, in whatever browser he uses, go to file, then most recent and scroll down.  Those will be files that were downloaded recently.  Anything with a .jpg behind it is most likely a porno pic.  Just giving info.

My case - Mojo Rising - Nov 28th 2007

I have a mixture of addictions to internet surfing (general), internet pornography, gaming (with/without internet). Since the topic is about pornography, I'll stick to it.

First of all, I get my stuff in the following forum

Editor's Note: Here, I deleted explicit links and references to specific file sharing forums

Why do look at this junk for? I don't know. What I feel about it is this
-I have a compulsion to see women having hard sex

-I think porn is a form of prostitution, an activity I don't like to support. I feel like shit knowing I like porn and that I contribute to it's expansion by looking at it. Indirectly, I encourage promoters to form a new generation of girls (which start very young) into the business. I'm convinced that many of the girls (in many countries) become internet prostitutes due to poverty and poor education. Therefore, by watching internet porn and helping it in the process to make it more «mainstream», I will make some women become miserable on the long term because I don't think one gets great esteem of herself in becoming a sexual worker.

-I cheat my wife by looking at internet porn. I've been doing it for years and she does'nt know. It's my secret life which she is unaware of. I'm really scared she finds out because it will destroy the trust between us.

-I always think I will stop porn, but I get back at it after a while. When things go bad in my life, I get back to it (and gaming). I forget my problems and the time that passes while stuck on the computer in a loop mode. I'm 36 and it's been like that since I'm 14. First it was gaming. Later come the interest in internet porn pictures. Since about 6 years I'm into porn movies + gaming because of high speed internet. All the time wasted...

I want to stop it all. Writing this is a first step for me.

Good luck to you all.

Eh - Steve - Oct 20th 2007

I find what much of this boils down to is the inability of men and women to relate freely. Most couples have these society set values that impede communication between the sexes. My girlfriend and I watch porn together, discuss techniques, sexy clothing, etc.

This makes our relationship open to new ideas  and better communication. Unfortunately many people try to hide sex as dirty little secrets behind closed doors when better communication could fix 90% of problems.

 Instead of screaming and yelling or feeling abused because your man watches porn, sit down and watch it with him with an open mind.  Maybe he desires different techniques or a variety? Do you still dress sexy for him at times? Visit sex stores together etc.... 

 

It's a problem - - Sep 25th 2007
My husband uses porn instead of physical intimacy with me. It has been such an issue over the past 8 yrs. that it has all but squashed our love life. I do feel like he is cheating, he is using the image of another woman to feel sexual satisfaction, and completely neglecting my needs and our relationship needs in the process. I find myself checking up on him, his history, e-mails, the moment it has been 2, 3 weeks since their has been any intimacy. I know that I cannot compare with the instant gratification or the images he seeks. He is self sufficient,  and is now at risk for losing his 3 children and myself, it is a nasty addiction. He does it, because it is 'just easier'.....and no, I am not a dog or bitchy, I happen to be a very beautiful petite woman, and at a size 4 after children I have no problem attracting the opposite sex. I am well educated, and kind hearted. So no, this is not my issue, it is his, and the harmful fun of internet porn.

the truth why men watch porn - Ben - Aug 28th 2007

The truth to why men watch porn behind their womans backs is that they are masturbating and their women just happen to catch them with the porn, not in the ace. Masturbation for some men is felt as evil or taboo and they don't want to get caught under any circumstances.

The reason men masturbate is for release. Men have the primal urge to spread their seed and may feel the need to masturbate with an erection or thought or desire that turns them on. This does not mean your man is cheating on you or doesnt love you or doesnt find you attractive.

The consequence of not seeing the porn could be worse, like cheating on you for real, so why don't you let him do it and don't ask any questions? He has no feeling for the women in the images, it just helps him with release. And btw, your sex life may be amazing, but he still will have the urge to masturbate.

Stay Together,

Ben Harper

- anonymous - Jul 23rd 2007
I have been in a relationship for 8 years, I am only 26. it has been almost a year since I found all the porn on the computer that he was looking at. I was so traumatized by this. Given my past (child abuse, including the use of porn) he had said for eight years that he would protect me and that it was something I would NEVER have to worry about. Then one day it was there. Right out of the blue. He had only done it once. And he hasn't done it since. How does a woman trust again? How do I go on and think that maybe its ok now. I still check the history constantly and do searches in the system to see if he has done it. He hasn't. BUt unfortunately porn is so devastating, that I think the trust will never be regained. NEVER.

same problem with porn - nellie - Jun 2nd 2007

I have had the same problem as some of these ladies. My husband, who is not a monster, he is kind, fun, is not an ogre, has been paying for internet porn sites for years, and lying about it even after me asking many, many times if he is paying. he says, that his friends send him stuff and he looks at pics, but thats all. But not according to the banking statements. He has always paid for sites, even as recently as march of this year. And i know his fantasies, and they cannot be played out because it would involve other people and I will not do that. I like doing different things in bed, he just seems to like the regular stuff, in bed, but i know he has fantasies about me and another man and he watches.

He even put an add out the first year we were married about that, or replied to one anyways, we joked about it, but i never ever consented and had no clue he was doing that. He even sent a pic of me.

When i first caught him looking at porn and found some emails of his asking his exs for topless or nude shots of themselves, after we were married, i got angry and confront ed him, he said that i would not be using the computer anymore, blah blah and got very defensive. thankfully the exs, to my knowledge, did not send any pics. And i found swinging mags too. when he was caught, he sent an email to his friends saying he was 'busted' and found some software so i could not see what he was doing.

This was all years ago, but it did not start out the marriage too well, and i moved on or so i thought. Recently his porn use, which is about 3 or 4 times a week, mostly on weekends, when he thinks i am sleeping in early morning or late at night, he looks, behind a locked door. Sometimes if i knock, i can tell that the screen changes from under the door, and that it takes him a while to get to the door, and actually saw a time or two that he was semi aroused.

I suffer from depression as well, so this has brought me down, way down, that is not the only reason, depression is a condition that you have to deal with, but the trust is not helping.

Even as recently as 2 months ago i asked him if he was paying for sites, and he said no, but i know he is, i can see from the statements and the bank records. he has been thru our entire marriage.

i am going for counseling starting next week and getting new meds for depression. He said he would do anything to keep me, even open his computer to me, but with software to stop people from seeig things, i wont see anything.

I am not emotionally stable enough yet to make choices on what i will do about this, i honestly believe he feels he does not have an issue with it, its like all guys do it, but its the lies that i cannot stand.

He hates the fact that i feel i have to reach out and talk about it because he feels its very private and a betrayl to chat about it with anyone,even close friends who i trust.

I wouldnt mind if it just was once in a while, like the occasional pic his friends send or i even offered to watch porn with him a couple of times, though that was along time ago and he said no, because i am not a prude. its the lies and hiding, which he says he will stop, but maybe for a short time, he says he is going to counseling but does not feel he has alot of issues to discuss and when i asked which ones, porn one was not one of them.

illegal porn - Mike - May 25th 2007

I've noticed that many of these adult sites have links for 'barely legal' images also, and I wonder how many people who pay online for porn have considered the possibility that their money goes to people who are also paedophiles, even if it is adult images that they are paying for? These monsters should not be able to get away with what they are doing to innocent young children, and now in the Internet they have a new way of funding their sick lifestyles from the abuse. 

I want a guys input - - May 22nd 2007

I just want to know why men do it? I mean if you are married and you say you love your wife more than anything and willing to do anything for them then why lie about it? Why do it behind our backs? You know that it hurts us but yet its like you are sacrificing your realtionship to look at other women. I dont get it. Maybe if I understood it better then I would be ok with it. Everyone says....if your not ok with it then its not ok!! Well what am I suppose to do then? Leave my marriage because of porn? Seriously come on now. I have a family. Its not that he is addictied but it hurts that he does it every so often. Everytime I leave home Im like...hmmm what is he doing?? I shouldnt think that all the time!! Makes me feel horrible about myself and my self-esteem is gone! Men tell us to be happy with ourselves yet they go out and drool over other women and watch movies that have nudity in them and expect us to be ok with it all. So I want a real guys input. gnat027 at yahoo dot com

balance? - - May 16th 2007

Hey "looking for balance" guy, nice psychobabble.  Did you read all that stuff in a self-help book?  I guess you have to justify hurting your partner someway, huh?  Nice.

 

When is it too much?? - ebg - May 1st 2007

Hi,

Married 7 years , together 17 years. 

Just looking for input. I know about porn, i enjoy porn but with 2 kids and  full time job and being a good housewife ( laundry, \home cooking, cleaning and all that to boot) i really  would like someone to WOOO me is the way I put it . Instead of being asked  - "do you want some co-k?? very lovingly but without all the glitz of dinner and a babysitter. We have sex on average once per week and Im totally into it once someone takes the time to arouse me mentally as well as physically -

 

IM sorry to say , IM not  instantly aroused with my haunches in the air like the girls he visits on his websites. They seem so accessable and willing to be there whenever he grabs 10 minutes to log into them. They are house wives too as the site says, someone elses wife and may even be in our area.

 The line that has been lately crossed is texting comments to the pics. I dont think I have had a pleasent comment in the realm of what these girls get in the last 3 years. MAy be I should have instant posturing like them to please him . Oh but now Im getting sarcastic about it.

ITs hurtful and demeaning to me - I dont care if its demeaning to those weird chicks that post that crap , its demeaning to me as a mother and as a hard working person that may  demand too much respect at this point in my life.

PLainly put  - you get what you put into it I guess and you dont have to put much into internet porn to get something out of it. Sounds like a recipe for loneliness and emptiness on both ends.

Just some rants from a  wife that is done fighting about her sex life.  The competition is getting too tough to compete with now that we have high speed.

Glad to find a site that verifies what i have felt about it. Atleast I have that.. and my 2 perfect kids

WHo I hope never find these sights)

ebg 

 

pre-internet - - Apr 30th 2007

What did men do before the proliferation of internet porn?  Use their imaginations?  A magazine or their wife?  Life must have been tough.  What bothers me the most is the "Barely legal" teen virgin porn.  Talk about bordering on kiddie porn.  What happens in a couple years when my children start bringing their teenage friends home?  Does my husband have to leave the room because he's getting a hardon?  I'm sorry mr. looking for balance, but I find it hard to believe that there aren't regular guys out there that don't look at hardcore internet porn everytime they're home alone.  I guess they just treasure their relationship more. 

As I get older, wrinklier and greyer, I find it hard to believe you'll still be attracted to me when you've spent so much time looking at young, naked women licking each other and getting it from 2 guys at once.  It's unfortunate that we just need to learn to deal with it. How sad for all of us.

trying to be an understanding 'ladie' but.... - megs - Apr 28th 2007


okay, I get your point. Don't think I haven't tried to take the 'whatever, do what you need to do' road many many times already. But I guess I feel that as a woman, I am once again being ripped off.  I have already questioned the whole loving my man, all of my man, porn and all, but...what about me?!  If sex is just sex and we women make too much of a big deal out of it all, then why does my guy care whether or not I am faithful to him? He does. It's 'normal' for a man to look at, want and masturbate to other women, and he is doing us some big huge favour trying his best to be monogamous despite NEVER being rejected in bed.  What is 'normal' for a woman who has a fairly strong libido and loves exploring her sexuality with a man who she loves and trusts BUT could care less because he would rather look at perfect, honeybronzed, hairless 18 year olds making out with each other?  Porn doesn't do it for me, but maybe I want to be dirty too, with a REAL person. 
What did all of these normal men do before they had the internet supplying them with HOURS of free porn entertainment?  I bet they had a whole lot more real sex. 

Casulty of Internet Porn - Heartbroken - Apr 27th 2007

I am so glad to have found this website. It is unbelieveable how many people are going through the exact same thing. I have been married for 10 years. We have 2 children and I am 7 months pregnant with our 3rd. I have always known that porn was in my husband's life but lately it has become an issue. It began one night after having sex he left our bed (thinking I was asleep) and went and masturbated in front of the computer. I was DEVASTATED. When I confronted him, we had a long discussion about porn and he apologized and went on to explain his desire for the porn. He told me how his having sex with me is completely separate from viewing porn. He simply uses porn as a means to an end. Meaning he just needs visual stimulation for masturbation. Sex with me is still the best and what he prefers. However, until recently we had only been having sex about once per month. Lately I have been initiating it more often in a desparate attempt to keep his interest but I think he just goes along to keep me happy.

I am becoming obsessed with his activities. My self esteem is shattered. I feel fat and ugly and inadequate in every way. I am consumed with wanting to know what he is looking at on the computer. His log-on is password protected. He has always made me feel like he was attracted to me but that is gone. How could he be? I am nothing like the airbrushed porn pics or the sexy women in the videos. He never initiates sex with me. I cry all the time and am so depressed. I have no one to talk to. Too humiliated to talk to friends. And I really am tired of arguing with him about it. He doesn't see that there is any problem

More than wanting him to stop, I want to get over this. We have very in depth discussions about porn. I have expressed an interest in watching movies together. He agrees but then doesn't really seem to want to. I just want to stop feeling like crap about this and therefore about myself. I feel like we're on a path that can end up nowhere good. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it.

 

To Shan - Megs - Apr 25th 2007

I have been going through this same thing for at least two years now. I too am a fairly open minded liberal sexy woman who has at times checked out porn. And like you it was the lying that hurt me most. BUT now it has gone on so long that the lying and sneaking about it has become pretty much a given. Now honestly, if he were to completely stop the lying about it...not erase his history...look at and masturbate freely as often as he wanted..I would still be very hurt. I love being naked with him, or used to anyways. Lately I have stopped caring because I can't care about being with him if I can't care about him opting for porn more than being with me. The caring goes all around both sides of a circle. I don't want to be a woman that has to avoid her partners occasional sexual advances because of the resentment involved. That is where this will be going , and soon. It's a crying shame too because he is super sexy, and I totally dig him. But as he even said OUTLOUD last fight.."That's the problem with women..they think sex is all about connection and feelings...it's just sex!" What the hell do I do with that?! Even though I have told him many times how much it hurts me (with tears in my eyes), he won't, or can't resist.

So sorry Shan..I don't seem able to give any advice..this is SUCH a personal issue. It think it really boils down to what your guts are telling you. Can we turn the caring off as easily as our men would like us to? This feels like a pretty core issue to me and as I said in my previous post...I will most likely end up taking a lover or leaving unless he is willing to address this. And as far as I can tell...he just doesn't see the problem.

looking for balance - - Apr 25th 2007

Ladies,

While understanding the real pain that you feel, and knowing that some men do get out of control and stop sharing their sexuality within the relationship based on their experiences with porn, I still feel that something is wrong here and your suffering is partly based on your own view of sexuality as well as on his behavior. 

First, the essence of this is simply male sexuality.  You, based on your upbringing as a female and your own inherited female sexuality, would like for your man to become attracted to you and only you, and because of that, you are hurt that your man finds other women attractive.  That's the way men are.  Maybe not every man, but in general, that's how men are, regardless of whether they "should" be or not.  So men choose to suppress it in order to be in a relationship.  But it's not something that most can suppress completely.  Looking at other women, fantasizing about other women, exploring fantasy options that are not available in reality or that men might not actually want in reality --- these are all entirely typical for men based on their own sexuality.  The se behaviors have nothing to do with you, with your worth, with his attraction to you, with his desire to be in a relationship with you.  Nothing.  You can demand a man stop thinking of and looking at other women, but for a man this is swimming upstream - a neverending task of fighting against a natural force.  You have the right be in a relationship of any type you desire, but realize the odds you put yourself in if this is your demand.  An option is to look for the needle in the haystack - that man whose sexuality works differently from most men.  You are absolutely entitled to try to find such a man, but also realize the odds you place yourself in if that is your requirement for having a happy relationship.

More provovatively, perhaps, is that you place upon your man a choice between you or porn.  Okay, also your right - you have a right to be in any kind of relationship you choose.  But realize this forced choice also makes you impure in your relationship.  This not loving another person, this is demanding that they change in order to have your acceptance. From a man's perspective, it may be worth it.  Okay, I already don't have affairs, I don't go to prostitutes, I don't go to strip clubs and get lap dances, I don't even go out with other guys and flirt with the ladies, what's it to give up one more aspect of my sexuality in order to maintain this relationship I want to be in.  I don't want to hurt my partner, and clearly she seems hurt.  For other men, who probably love their partners just as much, this demand being placed upon them is like the final straw that breaks the camel's back.  My looking at porn is limited to fantasy interactions not involving other actual live women.  I am faithful to my partner in the "real world,"  what's the big deal about fantasizing as long as I don't "do anything about it" with actual women?  This is just demanding me to give up one more thing in my life that I don't see any problem with, just because she has self-esteem issues and wants me to be on a tight leash.  I'm trapped, boxed in, caged.  I am a person on my own, and have a right to my fantasies as long as they don't cross over into reality.  This is the best I can do to keep my sexuality confined to something close to the tight standards that this institution of monogamy seems to demand of me, and if she doesn't give me at least some freedom to just be me, then she doesn't really love me anyway, just some image of what she thinks men should be, so what's the point?

All I'm trying to do is provide some balance here.  Remember that you have a right to be in the kind of relationship you want to be in.  If you truly only want to be in a relationship with a man who has no sexuality outside of his connection to you, then you are entitled to seek out that kind of relationship.  But hearing the pain that some of you feel, I wonder if there is some room for middle ground that you might find acceptable - you might open up a bit to understanding that he has some aspects that are simply male and not understandable to you, and he might share more and inhibit further some of his expressions of sexuality, just as he has already inhibited many expressions because he loves you and wants to be in a relationship with you.  Demanding that he change his ways for you and have no sexuality, even fantasy sexuality, outside of his connection to you, however, is just the same as his demanding that you have no expectations of him to limit himself in exploring his sexuality with other women, etc.  Again, you have the right, of course, but if you otherwise like the relationship you are in, you might consider working with him to find a middle ground, rather than acting on your hurt feelings and demanding that he change outright while you don't need to consider any change at all in your negative views of him and his sexuality.

- Angela - Apr 25th 2007
The worse part is the isolation. At some point in the continual fighting over this, the man just shuts down. The female personality wants to keep verbalizing in order to process and try to deal with all the pain going on inside of her. Who do you go to? Your parents or friends? No, you keep it all inside, smile and look like a perfect family to the outside world. The MOST awful aspect of this for me...my three teen sons knowing their father does this and and seeing the pain that it inflicts on their mother. We only have a few years left with these beautiful kids, what a waste of precious time. Thoughts and prayers to all of these hurting women.

feeling betrayed - shan - Apr 24th 2007
I am so glad I found this site. I dont' feel so alone in how I feel anymore. Thank you everyone! I caught my boyfriend looking at internet porn some months ago. He buggered up our computer and just shut it off. When I logged on in the morning, it asked me if I wanted to resume my session, and I said "Sure!"...oh oh! BIG suprise...a porn site. I asked him what it was and he said he didn't know. I KNEW he was lying, so I set about searching our history, and, to my suprise, found that he joined an internet porn site. I went bananas. OK, I'll be honest..I went ballistic..screaming and yelling and demanding he tell me how long this had been going on..that he PAID to join this site and lied to me about it, etc. etc. and  I demanded his user name and password..I wanted to SEE what he had been looking at. He refused. Needless to say, the fight went on for 4 days, and he finally coughed up the information. So I logged on and was a bit horrified by what I found..an amateur porn site dealing exclusively with married women with other men while their husbands either watched, filmed, participated or all of the above, and a lot of interracial gang bangs. Needless to say, I was pretty upset. Now, I like to think of myself as fairly progressive, and I understand that this can be a serious addiction, and I commend those of you that are getting help, but I also know that for those that it isn't, it can sometimes be a very lively tool for enhancing your sexual relationship..PROVIDED YOU ARE BOTH INVOLVED. What I am so upset, and hurt, and get so crazy about is the lying. And the unanswered questions. He said he found it surfing the web. I checked. No seaches for that type of stuff..so where did he find out about it? I told him I didn't much mind if he occassionally watched porn, I am actually one of the rare females who occasionally watches and enjoys it, but DON"T LIE TO ME. He says it is because he gets bored, and horny and it's late and he doesn't want to wake me up. (Please, spare me) And that he does not masterbate to it. I do not believe that for one second. I went to work a few Satudays ago, and when he picked me up from work I asked what he had done all day, and he said nothing. I just had a feeling a day or two later, so I logged on to his sight and found he had watched 91 porn clips. I opened our history: from the time he came back from dropping me off, to right before he had to pick me up, he watched porn. All day long. Now, this, to me, is not "nothing". I just found this out today, after adding a new feature to my history searching tools. I am even more upset now. So, after just discovering the sheer amount, I stewed and I brooded, and I chastised myself....lighten up, it doesn't happen that often, we have a great sex life, etc etc...but what I cannot get past is the lying. Why? WHY lie to me? And to top it all off, we had 2 cocktail parties to go to that night, we went, came back, shared some wine and went to bed, and I wanted to have sex and he was tired. Tired from what?, I thought after making my discovery days later... wanking it all day to internet porn? I feel betrayed. I feel insecure. I confronted him about it the day before he left for work (he works offshore..no porn there, thank god) and he got defensive...VERY defensive...and we had a huge row. I spent all the next day crying. He tells me he loves me, I am beautiful and sexy and wondeful, but it does not change the fact that I feel betrayed. By the lies. he doesn't have to lie to me..that makes me feel horrid and insecure and makes me wonder if there are other things that I don't know about? I hate bringing it up because of the fights. I am a pretty easy going person, and quite liberal in my attitudes towards sex, but the lying just kills me. And then the defensiveness on his part. i don't understand. Can't he see how much it hurts me that he lies to me about this? Something as intimate as this? I need some advice here. Here is my stance on the issue...either watch it WITH me, tell me when you have without me or don't do it all. Don't watch it alone and then lie about it. So..anybody? help!

to Ronald - - Apr 23rd 2007

Ronald, Are you addicted to porn?? What do you think? Can you be on the computer without looking at it? Do you look forward to the next time you will have a chance to be alone with your computer?  Are you unable to get stimulated without it? How would your partner feel about it? and most of all...How do you feel about yourself afterwards? Also, where do you see your 'relationship' going down the road?? 
Ask yourself these questions and you will know if you have a problem.  

Am I addicted to porn - Ronald - Apr 22nd 2007
Im a 37yr old single man I've had home internet access for a year and I looked up the porn sites out of curiosity.Some of it is bizaar so I don't visit those sites.I never try and contact anyone or buy anything.I'm basically just looking at pitchures of women.I use that to get horny then I go be with my girlfriend.I think it is harmless but admit I do erase the history out of embarresment.I don't have a collection of porno magizines or movies in my house.Im afraid one of the sites will put a virus on the computer anyway because the have so many pop ups.am I addicted to that crap or what.I don't want to read the news all day

hating porn patrol - megs - Apr 20th 2007


Hey'all.  
Phew.  just read a dozen or so letters.  There's a couple of sentences that keep popping up... "all guys do it" , "I try to be okay with it" and "I promise I'll stop".  Those have been three very well used sentences in our house for over two years now.  Same round and round.  Me checking the history..seeing he's been at it again.. me getting upset, crying or yelling or feeling self conscious during sex.....him promising not to do it...me finding out again.  All the time  feeling the shame that comes with 'losing it' about it.  I try to talk myself into being okay with it "it's not like he's out with other women".  but as soon as I see he's been at it again (like everytime he has the house to himself even if it's just for an hour) I get all crazy again..lose it again, feel bad about myself again... and so on .
I am always checking the computer, I don't want to leave him alone at home , I offer up sex constantly (sometimes to be rejected). It is always on my mind and it pops up in almost every argument now. I keep getting upset and he keeps making promises he can't keep.  I have told him that he obviously isn't going to change so I guess Ihave to and try to be okay with it as long as he makes the odd move on me, but I can tell right now that that won't work...I am NOT okay with it. I will hate him for making me have to be okay with it.  I won't want to have sex with him anymore, I will end up having an affair or just plain leaving him, and I don't want to do that for my daughters sake.....what do I do??? Hide the mouse? Put pepper in the handcream??!!! haha! 

Light at the end of the tunnel - - Apr 19th 2007

Hello, all my beautiful, yet suffering, friends--

While I do totally understand how difficult it is to leave a relationship if you have kids, I must advocate that you walk if he doesn't get treatment and if continues to use.  My situation was similar to all of yours. After a brief marriage in my youth, I was generally pretty happy as a single woman for many years. Then at 48, I feel deeply in love, more so than any time in my life, with the man who became my companion for the next 8 years. He was, among many other good things, respectful of women, never told a lewd joke, never did the staring thing toward other women, etc. After dating for four years, we moved in together. I discovered his addiction shortly after we got broadband cable. In the next two years, he hosed up our computer twice (and our home computer was also MY home office computer), continued using, switched from hard porn to soft porn as if THAT was supposed to be a solution, and finally started in with my laptop. Oh, yeah, my home office chair was his favorite masturbation site while I was away at client sites or running errands/visiting friends, or even just wrapping Christmas presents!

I had all the reactions described on this post. I finally, after the last discovery insisted on a treatment plan and total abstinence. He took half-way measures, but ultimately refused to meet my requirements. The devastation I felt at his refusing to get real help--and choosing porn over the relationship I so deeply valued--nearly destoyed me. Due to a back injury, I was out of work and blowing through my retirement money. Yet, I knew I had to get out. The good part is, I did have a little money, even though it shouldn't have been used, and we did not have children--I put the money worries aside, and gathered a community of support around me--a great therapist who truly validated my feelings of RAGE, a 12-step group who assured me the time would come when I could step back and begin to let go, meditation for stress reduction, and qigong to assist with the healing of my back, which, of course, felt like it was being eaten up by red ants due to all the stress. This was one of those times when I never thought for a moment I could handle this on my own.

I cried every day for months. When I wasn't crying, I paced like a caged animal. In between times, I felt pretty good if I managed to get a load of laundry done. I moved out and got my own place. While I certainly knew my anger was justified, I knew from past experience that it could go on way too long, and I and my health just couldn't afford this. I was shocked when about 4 months out of the relationship, my rage just dissipated. I thank my huge support system for this. I'm not saying the anger is all gone or that I would trust myself to have a cup of coffee with my ex--but it's under control and I FEEL HAPPY. I love my tiny condo, I love feeling better, I love enjoying simple things, I love being able to be alone and feel peace, and I love connecting with old friends. I even like having fun, mild flirtations (no relationships yet!) with new men. Life feels good.

Again--with kids and money worries, I know it's hard. But if there's any way, I have to advocate leaving. Hanging in there will suck the soul right out of you. I send you all healing energy, support, and hope.

congrats JB - b - Apr 17th 2007

I hear you JB.  Good luck to you!  I wish I were as strong.  It's hard after 15 years of marriage and 2 children.  My self esteem is the lowest it's ever been.  I used to be confident, happy and felt good about myself also.  Now it's nonexistant.  I try to accept what he does, but the constant suspicion and wondering is so draining.  Also to sara, I would leave in a heartbeat if we weren't married and had children.  You deserve better like all of us do.  By the way, to check cookies, you go to Tools on the bar across the top, then go to options and somewhere on there you'll find cookies and there should be a way to view them. 

Good luck to all of us!

Mind your own business.. - JB - Apr 16th 2007

Every day for the past 3 years I have tried to come up with new ways to start some sort of healing for myself, my heart, my mind, I'm really not sure what part it is that actually hurts anymore.  

My ex and I broke apart 6 months ago after a 4 year relationship, but what happened in the past still consumes my thoughts everyday.  I found out about his addiction a year or so into our relationship and instead of walking away or standing up for my true feelings, tried to accept it, not wanting to be the prudish girlfriend. The rest of my story is (give or take some details), the same as the rest of you.One of the things I've learnt is: Don't take this personally, this is not MY problem. I have done nothing wrong.  Deep down we all know its wrong .. How could something that a lot of people deem as "okay" and "acceptable" be right if it makes us feel so so so bad? And it's EVERYONE .. Even the woman that say they're okay with it, are really not.I used to be a very attractive, strong, intelligent, beautifully confident person, but for too long I have been an unfocused person with low self esteem. I'm hoping that in typing this, I will start some sort of healing for myself.

No one will ever know how difficult this is if it hasn't become their situation, so be careful who you take advise from. 

Remember that there are 3 types of business. Our business, another persons business, and Gods business.  We can only mind our own. I wish you all the best of luck and strength. 

:)   

Feeling crushed and lost - - Apr 16th 2007
I'm amazed, though perhaps I shouldn't be, at the amount of postings on this blog. I have ended a relationship with a guy I have been involved with for 15 years due to his online use. I know this sounds stupid, but I have known of this for about 7 years but have never had the courage to walk away from him. We started living together around that time and all seemed great at first ... until his "working" all through the night got me suspicious. When I looked in his computer my fears became reality - instead of being with me, he was spending much of his nights looking at porn on TV or online. I was crushed. When I confronted him, he apologized and assured me that he loved me and it all meant nothing. I believed him. Another year went by and I again found him up to his old tricks. Same story, same ending. Some time after that, I found that he was having an affair over the phone with a woman across the country. I moved out soon after that for other reasons, but continued to see him. Last year, after almost 14 years together he told me he was no longer in love with me. Of course, stupid me, was crushed but hoped we'd find our way back. Yesterday, while waiting at his house for him, I found a draft text message on his phone with a picture of his penis being sent to a girl. I also found e-mails to another girl he is making plans to meet for dinner. Here I was remaining devoted to him, waiting while he makes up his mind and he is off having online relationships all over again. As crushed and lost as I feel, I can't help hurting over this and wishing it was different. I keep asking myself "Why?" though I know that this isn't my fault. I still can't believe that the clean-cut, conservative guy I fell in love with has this problem. I never saw it coming until I was completely devoted to him and our relationship. I thought he was the one and 90% of him is, but I can't get past his indiscretions.

Recovering Addict - - Apr 13th 2007

I have been using internet pornography for the last 10 years and it has had a disastrous impact on my life. I thought I had a charmed life...good but stressful job, caring wife who I love, two beautiful and wonderful children. Now all of that may be gone.

When I started using pornography it was because of curiosity. I was excited by the images, but also felt very ashamed. Overtime, the attraction grew more intense, to a point where I was using it on a daily basis. The addiction became a way of coping with stress, anxiety and self hatred more then anything to do with sex. Now in counseling I realize how harmful what I was doing was to myself and my family.

 

When looking at sexual content one escapes the world and more importantly escapes our feelings and emotions. It becomes a way to numb yourself in much the same way as alcohol or drugs. If your husband or boyfriend is using internet pornography, he is probably trying hide from something painful in his life.  The thing is, he probably does not know it. If you love him realize that he needs help. The addiction is a symptom of a larger problem.

 

As men, we are told that this is normal. We are encouraged to put sex on a pedestal and chase it all our lives. This however is a lie. It is a trap and it ruins lives, but there is hope. I have been in counseling for four months and have abstained for that period. Everyday it is a battle, but I am doing it.

The thing is, it may be too late for me. My wife has lost patience and I am not sure our relationship will recover. This is not where I wanted to be. I want my family back, but it may be too late. I love her and love our children, but she may never see that.

Don't know what to do? - sara - Apr 12th 2007

I found out my fiance has been looking at porn for many years now. We did meet on a dating site Udate. I was sickened and shocked to find loads of porn on his laptop (he's only had the laptop for a few months).

I found that he had been looking at Twistys, and is a paying member! He denies any of this and says its his friend who keeps downloading this stuff on his laptop. I read his emails and he gets lots of stuff (which he claims are just normal spam).

I am now banned from his laptop because "I don't trust him", so God knows what hes looking at now. I have found out he has got profiles on a few sex dating sites including one on adult friend finder looking for one on one sex which he only joined last week! which I am monitoring in a pseudo name. He makes out that all men look at porn and its no big deal. Our sex life is fine although he seems to want to get me to do more porn influenced things. He tells me he loves me all the time and that he would never cheat on me, but joining these sex dating sites leaves me open to wonder if in the future he would be unfaithful.

Am I being to nosy? thats what he would say, he has put himself down as single on his profile for myspace, he says he didn't mean to do that, but he did manage to put that he was a proud father and how much he earned!I know he is in denial.

I feel like a I'm being intrusive and secretive finding out all this stuff, its made my self esteem fall to zero!! and I seem to hate all young pretty woman and keep looking at my partner to see if he s watching them. He makes no secret when he see s a pretty girl on telly how much he thinks they are sexy! I keep looking at myself and seeing all the flaws, feeling older and fatter then ever before. I know I'm not! I know that its making me nervous and effecting me at work,  the way I talk to people, I was shy before, now I'm worse.

We are supposed to be getting married next year, he can be sweet and loving, which makes me even more confused, I just hope I have the courage to tell him what I've found, but he is forever saying "theres the door" when we argue about anything. I moved across the country to be with this person and my son is settled in the local school and its a crucial time for him. I basically have nowhere to go!

 

Is it worth it...from Same Story - Same Story - Apr 10th 2007

When I found out my boyfriend was into internet porn he got very defensive and blamed it on me. Then he said it was very normal and all guys did it. I explained that I don't think it's normally and I want him to stop. He said okay.

I went to my Therapist who said his behavior sounded like he was addicted to internet porn. I thought - that's a little extreme and didn't want to believe it. So, when my boyfriend wasn't home I looked on his computer and sure enough he was still looking at porn daily.

I approached him again and explained that I think he had a problem. He got very mad and defensive again... When he calmed down he swore he would get help. HE NEVER DID! What else did I need to know except that I wasn't important enough for him to get help. He chose porn over our relationship.

So..."Is It Worth it"...I ask you...what does your boyfriend chose - you or porn? Once you get the answer to this question - it should be a simple answer.

The words that changed me forever (besides all my friends and family telling me to leave my boyfriend), "Stop making me hit you...if you wouldn't act like this I wouldn't have to hit you." I know this sounds extreme - but porn and the mind control is a form of abuse. It's super unhealthy. What would you give to wake up and not have to worry if he's looking at porn or feel like you're on egg shells if you bring up the topic of his porn addiction. Wouldn't it be nice to wake up to a man that compliments you versus makes you feel insecure because of his porn addition. Why would he look at these other women when he has you - a goddess next to him. There must be something wrong with you, you're not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not sexy enough...well - these are all lies! You are perfect - your guy is the one with major issues - feel sorry for him that he will never know what it's like to purely love...that's really sad!

Why would a sound, mind, able and wonderful woman put up with this crap? We wouldn't! So don't!  You're worth too much to even be sitting here readin this. You know what's best for you. Breath. Breath. Breath. Understand what you want, a loving and repectful relationship.

You hold the power...not him! The fact that you have even had to go this far to research porn addition for support - is too far don't you think.

Looking back - I wish I had read these words months ago! "Is it worth it" hang in there and be strong! My support and strength goes out to you!

From - Is it worth it? - - Mar 29th 2007

Good for you - same story.  That was a tough decision, but you deserve better than that.  We all do.  I have not even broached the subject with my boyfriend since our talk.  I still don't trust him.  I almost checked his computer the other day - but then didn't.  I will today - I'll have a chance at home alone today.  I have to know what's been going on.  I don't know how to check the cookies.  I really want to know if our relationship is as important to him as he says it is.  I want to know just how much those whores mean to him.

I too have found much support in reading these postings...I was elated to know I'm not the only one who just hates this stuff.  I am at a loss as to why they even exsist - strippers, prostitutes, porn stars, what's the deal?  I know it's as old as time -  but I sure don't approve of it.  My biggest challenge yet will be that I have a son and I have to teach him to be respectful and appreciative of women - God I don't want him to be like that.

Sam story different day PART 2 - - Mar 27th 2007
I did it...I had the courage to break up with my boyfriend...If this is how I feel about his addictive internet porn behavior now...it's not going to get any better. It is not something I want to get used too. So - I kicked him out of the house. Let someone else who thinks its okay - deal with it! Strength and love to all of you ladies! It's a tough rode and every individual must make the decision as to what path you will go!

To Am I Over Reacting and Same Story Different Day.... - - Mar 15th 2007

It has been a couple of weeks since I found out my husband was looking at internet porn.  I thought about it for a few days after and read a lot on this site which helped, and realized that I needed to decide if I had over reacted about the porn and that maybe 'every guy does do it'.  I thought about it and realized NO I am not ok with it, I do NOT want it in my house and it is NOT healthy for anyone!   I realized that the more women continue to think 'every guy does it' the more it will become acceptable in society.  It started to kind of creep me out because it actually takes the humaness out of sex and turns women into 'things'.....I want to tell my husband to grow up, if thats the kind of stuff you want in your life then maybe you should not be married!

Anyway, my husband swore he wouldnt do it anymore and I considered canceling our internet but that made me feel like his mother.  So now, I still do not no what I will do...like the rest of you I am starting to question everything he does and I dont like the way I act or feel when I do this.  This is not the type of person I want to be....

Anyway, in response to Am I over reacting, no, I dont know how to find out about any hidden email accounts but I have wondered the same thing.  I do know that even if he deletes the history, you can check your computer's cookies folder.  Hope you all are doing well.....

Confused and Hurt

Am I Over Reacting? - Aussie Girl - Mar 13th 2007

Boy, am I glad I found this site, I have just discovered my husband has been looking at porn on the net for the last 2 years of our marriage (at least that is what he is telling me... most probably a lot longer).  I had a feeling something has not been right within our marriage, we would be lucky if we had sex once a month.  He said he could not explain his lack of libido and even went as far as going to a doctor (or at least that is what he told me), and was apparently told that it could be many different reasons such as stress, age etc....  But something in me said this was not right, especially on a number of occassions he became quite frisky (so to speak) during the night and started making advances towards me, and then it seemed as if he suddenly woke up and realised it was actually me he was caressing (I pretended to stay asleep) he would quickly remove his hand, roll over and move to the other side of the bed.  When I confronted him, he would get defensive and deny it. 

Now to find out that every week or two he has been masterbating to internet porn, sickens me to the core.....  All the little pieces are starting to fall into place.  The lack of libido, the reasons he was so defensive if I questioned him about anything, the midnight caresses obviously meant for someone else.....

He also says he is sorry and values our marriage and loves me..and did not think it was a big deal, I printed off a number of arcticles explaining how what he was doing was "a form on cheating", to show him that it is a BIG DEAL....

I don't know what to do, we have 2 small childre, I am just starting to go back to school to get my degree....  But the trust is now destroyed.  Because he deleted all of the history, I am not able to see the sites, and he denies being involved in any chat or contact with anyone.  However, I have noticed in the last year or so, he is always offering to go to the shops or run errands, which he would never have done before (and he always takes a much longer time, and is always full of excuses why).  He also suggested that he gets a mobile phone, funny he has survived for 7 years without one, and now he needs one ?

 I have also noticed that the car he drives to work, the passenger seat (when he drives by himself) has been pushed right back once, and another time has been layed down. (I marked the chair to find our if I was seeing things.... I was not)  I have tried to confront him about these but he just denies them, I need proof.

 My gut feeling says there is more to this than just 2 years on looking at porn on the net.  Am I being over paranoid now, and is this worth throwing my marriage away?

 I have told him, I can never forget this, and it will take me a long time to forgive him.  He has been banned from using the computer, not even to play games, it is totally off limits and he will not be getting a mobile phone....

 He threatened to leave me if I keep questioning him about it, I was honestly willing to help him pack his bags, and told him as much (that shocked him a bit), the scary thing is I kind of wanted him to go, I think there is more than just the trust damaged....  and I don't really know if it is repairable.

I have no idea how this will work out.

 Does anyone know if there is a way to find out if someone has a secret email account etc...

Same story different day... - - Mar 12th 2007

About a month ago I found out my boyfriend has been looking at porn daily for months (that I know of and can prove). When I asked him about looking at porn he gave me the typical excuses that all guys do it. I explained that I do not want a boyfriend who is addicted to porn - it's disgusting! I explained if he continues to look at the porn he will lose me. Well a few weeks went by and I found out he began looking at porn again on a daily basis. I explained he needs to get help if he wants to save our relationship. He got very embarrassed and ashamed of himself. I was so pissed off...I'm still pissed off! Well it's been a few weeks and he hasn't done anything about his "problem." However, he has learned how to erase specific web sites from the history now so I can't see what Web sites he's going on...He'll never change. I'm 29 and have been with him for 3 years. I thought we were going to get married and have beautiful babies. I don't trust him, I think in some way he is a sick pervert and I'm praying for the strength to get him out of my life! I as all of you women never thought I would have to deal with this - it's devasting! Oh - and to share some of his behaviors - he is constantly on his computer - especially when I'm sleeping or not at home. He likes to leave for work after me - so he can use the computer and get his jollies off while I'm gone. Our sex life used to be amazing and now we have none - he has no sex drive for me...the few times we have tried - he can't keep an erection. He is very angry and combative all the time. He seems depressed. I thought I would share his signs to help others who may wonder if their boyfriends/ husbands may have a problem too...

Why bother? - - Mar 7th 2007
GAWD! This is awful.  I was married to a man who was sex-obsessed.  He watched internet porn and masturbated and sexually abused me.  When I finally decided to leave him he raped me.  After all that I met a man who was the complete opposite of all of that.  He was kind and generous.  He even asks me for permission before he touches me.  A real "gentle"man.  You can imagine my devastation when I looked at his internet history to find that he was visiting sites with naked women, women together, a breast being fondled, you know...nothing hard core - not like the ex-husband, but still, enough of a bunch of women who look nothing like me.  I was so upset with him.  When I confronted him with it, he thought I knew and that I didn't mind.  We talked for a long time about what I had been through (he knew, but we re-visited it all) and how that makes me feel.  If he looks at other naked women and gets excited and masturbates all the while thinking of them - that is cheating on me.  It really doesn't matter if she's in the room or not - he is "with" her.  He says he sees that point and has said he would not look anymore.  Claims he really didn't look that often but was just curious.  Here's my problem...because of my history with my ex, I just don't believe my boyfriend.  I really think he'll do it again.  And after reading all of these other comments - I believe him even less.  Are relationships really worth it?

What my husband does while I sleep - Ann - Mar 7th 2007

My husband doesn't watch TV but likes to be on the computer at night instead. Our computer is in the bedroom and since I work two jobs I tend to go to bed early on the nights I am home. Well I woke up one night and saw a woman on the computer screen. I thought I was just seeing things but searched the computer found things I really didn't like. It got to the point that I would let him think I was asleep and I would watch the computer screen reflection in the window. I started having panic attach and I couldn't sleep. I finally found a keylogger program. They record every keystroke and some will take pictures of the websites,emails and anything else done on the computer. I discovered that my husband was logging into Ebay and going to the mature adults section and looking at naked woman while I was at work! Ebay of all places! I was furious!! I would shake and brake out in a cold sweat becauce of this feeling of betrayal. I finally confronted him about this and he admitted it. When I asked why he did this, he said he wanted revenage against me for things that had happened almost 11 years ago. I am not sure how long this has been going on, but I know I was hurt greatly by this. I will never be confident again that he is just on normal websites. Five years ago I found his playboy magazines and we had it out and I didn't think this would every happen again. But here I am. Trying to get over the urge to run whenever he touches me. We just had out 17th anniversay in Feb. Neither of us is sure there will be an 18th.

confused and hurt - - Mar 4th 2007

I have been married to my husband for a year and we dated for about ten years. We are in our late 20s early 30s and have an active sex life, good careers and love to travel and enjoy life. I knew he looked at porn occasionaly (magazines) but recently searched our cookies and found a lot of porn. I confronted him about it and he said he only looks at it occasionaly and also masterbates. We havent had sex in a couple of months and I noticed this is when he began to look at it more. I am fairly young and attractive but I feel so ugly now. He says it has nothing to do with how I look and that he still finds me attractive. I cant imagine how I will feel about it when I am forty and have had a couple of kids. Should I get out now? He says it is normal and that every guys does it. Is it normal? I know it dosent bother some of my friends who are in relationships. They even drive their husbands to the strippers from time to time, so maybe it is just me, I do know it is NOT healthy for the women involved in the porn industry and for society. Like others have said, I dont feel I can trust him even though there is no signs he is cheating or would like to. Maybe this will be the next step for him though. This is all very sad and I hope all you women out there are ok and stay strong. I think it is pretty obvious that is does not matter how pretty or perfect you are, men will do it anyway.

Broken Hearted - Clementine - Mar 3rd 2007
November 2005 I thought I had married the man of my dreams. Now I am facing my worst nightmare. Things I had found on his computer made me question him, pop ups etc. "That suff always happens on the computer baby" is his excuse. Our sex life has decreased after we first met. I know that's normal. He says its because he's so tired from work. Since I have discovered that my suspicions were on target I am numb and sick to my stomach. After realizing he'd been caught he casually remarked, "I like looking at naked women. What's the big deal?" The "big deal" is it cuts the sexual woman in me to the core. It's something you have been hiding from me and lieing about. He said he's been doing this for 15 yrs. His dad and brothers have done it and it's what guys do. He has also told me that he stopped haning out with alot of buddies from high school because they did drugs and he wasn't into that. My question to him is, "Why not, everybody is doing it?" It's such a cop out exuse. We live in such a self gratifying world. I hope that our marriage is more important to him than these discusting images he is poisening his mind and our relationsip with.

The life has been sucked out of me - Donna - Mar 2nd 2007

Hello to all my fellow sufferers,

I found my husband who had not clicked out of the site fast enough at 1am. He tried to lie when the prove was right there. The best part is that I have been begging for sex for almost 7 years, I am always the initiator. Oh, it's low testosterone giving him low libido, ED problems, we saw sex therapists and sex urologists etc. Well, why didn't you just say that I don't do it for you? Dealing with this battle, finally, I find out internet porn is a favorite of his that he has been hiding. I would have not guessed. All he will say is its been too long and too much, nothing more. I have questions and I feel I have a right to know. No answers. He just goes to the marriage counselor himself now cuz he doesn't want me there. My heart has been ripped from me, my soul is crying, my stomach wants to puke. How do you get through this one? I don't know that I can. It hangs with me all day, I never stop thinking about it. What does he do? says absolutely nothing to me. what a bas****! Where do we go now?

Guilty feeling man - - Mar 1st 2007

I am 23 years old. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for nearly four years. I've always looked at porn but six or so months ago I started to chat online to get amateur pics. I would disguise myself as a female and even set up a myspace account to accomplish this. I did obtain a lot of amateur pics using this method. But around a week ago, my guilt caught up to me. Since then I have told my girlfriend everything. She's not happy at the moment. I really don't know what she's thinking since we have a long-term relationship. I have told her I will never look at porn again, and I truly believe I won't.

I was just wondering to all the woman out there, what would your reaction to this situation be?

Scared of Relationship - - Feb 24th 2007
I am 23 years old and have never even been close to a relationship.  I never viewed internet pornography until I was 19.  Since that fateful day, I've been hooked.  I don't know how to stop; I've tried so many times, that I'm confused.  I can see it damaging the way I look at women.  There have been opportunities for me to have relationships...but I can't when I have this problem.  I'm afraid of the hurt and pain I'll give a woman.  So it's a catch-22: I watch the images because they are the closest I can come to having a relationship.  I can't have a real relationship because I watch the images.  If I simply stop...how do I know a girl is going to trust me once I tell her my past?  I'm religious, and this is really ruining my life.  But I don't want to call it an addiction; I'm not supposed to be the guy with addictions.  I need help, but I'm too proud to take the steps necessary to get out of the hole I'm in.  It's hard to go through life knowing that most of my friends would despise me if they knew who I really was.

Thanks for the comments - - Feb 23rd 2007

Editor, just wanted to add one slice of info to my comment

I said my relationship started overseas and then I said I immediately had to come home. It might be helpful to whoever's reading it to understand the following, so maybe it would be easy to just paste in this info in parentheses after I made the comment about our relationship starting....

(I actually first met her and we began our friendship 4 years ago)

Thanks

Thanks for the comments - - Feb 23rd 2007
I am 32, male and in a relationship that started overseas, and as soon as it started I had to come back home to my country.  We had decided to be married in 6 months when we would be reunited.  I was so happy we were to be married because I have never found someone I felt so happy with, sexually and mentally, when I am with her.  I new though that once I got back to my country I would be very busy and would have stress because of my last semester in school and finding a job and which country to live in, here with family or overseas in a country I love anyway, but torn nonetheless.  I use the internet a lot and there have been times I have realized just how easy it is to click over and access sites that can take me to another world of temporary pleasure, just to get me through the stresses I am going through.  It will be my first marriage and there are various issues in working out our future home, visa, etc.  I feel I access the sites because it is the only way I can satisfy my sexual arousal because we are apart.  I suppose I could imagine her in my mind but I don't know, I guess I want to see something in front of me, and the best way is to see images on the screen.  It's not my fiance, so I feel it's wrong.  Someone might say, yes, it's very wrong, but I don't know.  Some things I have read say it's cheating, and I can agree that it is in the controlling nature of it on your mind, and that obviously takes away from the real relationship.  I do think it is anxiety management.  I just wish I could cut it out and do more productive things with my day.  I think open communication with your partner is the best way to solve things, and my partner keeps saying, by phone as we communicate 2 times a week, she always wants me to be able to talk openly about anything that comes to my mind.  Should I say to her that I have been trying to deal with accessing porn sites and that I feel it is wrong?  Will she be surprised and say, "oh my god, I wish I had known this about you before!  Forget our relationship, and our marriage, then." Maybe by expressing my feelings here I am helping myself, so maybe you've seen me get to a better place by the end of this message.  But accessing the sites truly can be compulsive, and I can envision me one day accessing them again.  I need reaffirming information and help, but I don't know how big of a problem this is.  Thanks.  Since I say "problem," I realize I'm obviously recognizing it as such, and maybe on the right track?  Who knows!

No Sex But A Lot of Porn - Nikki - Feb 22nd 2007

My fiance moved in with me about four months ago. I discovered that he watched internet porn. It did not bother me initially until our sex life came to a hault. We talked about the lack of sex. He constitutes the lack of libido to the fact that he's been under a lot of stress due to relocating to another state and trying to secure employment. This us understandable to me. What's confusing is the fact that he does not iniatate sex at all but constantly looks at internet porn and becomes defensive when I express how I feel about it. He says, "all men look at porn." Well that's not good enough for me. I'm at the end of the rope here and don't like the feeling that I get when he does this especailly when we're not sexually active. I get the impression that he wants to have sex with them instead of me.

- - Feb 21st 2007
What I really hate about all this is the secrecy. My husband has downloaded porn in the past, which i  found in error. I was asked if i had been snooping! He now has a locked folder, which is worse, cos now its all secret and Im imagining all sorts being in there, afterall, why hide what doesn;t need hiding? I now have lost self confidence and esteem, cos theres no way I can compete with these airbrushed and perfect celebrities.Afterall, real woman have children, stretch marks , saggy boobs (!) , and whilst its never bothered me before, I now feel unattractive and aware of my lack of perfection. No matter how much he may reassure me the trust in the core of our relationship has been eroded.

love - friends4ever spouce never - Feb 21st 2007

I first found about my ex's porn addiction when we were dating he always would deny it and say it was a pop up or that it wasn't him or whatever. I ended up dating him for 3 years before I could trust him enough to marry him. I got better at finding it on the computer but he was a computer tech so he knew how to hide it. I married him and after a year of marriage I found some that he forgot to erase that he looked at the night before. I was hurt and felt so betrayed. he had went to a therapist already befor we were married. I felt so sad and like I was not good enough or attractive enough or not sexy enough.  I was so unhappy and paranoid and I am an easy going person i didn't like feeling this way, and didn't feel like it was fair for me to treat him like I did. He agreed to go to counciling again and work on it and I tried but I couldn't take it so I divorced him. I still was best friends and loved him the whole time. I forgave him the second he did it, i just couldn't get past the hurt I had and the paranoia that came from it.

I love my ex still with all my heart! we have been divorce for 2 and a half years now and are still the best of friends. I know that he is sorry but he lied and hid things from me so many times and even when I would find them he would deny it, it got to the point where I could tell him how long he looked at and where he looked at it and he would still deny it. anyways I dont trust him and I will never trust him in that area. I want to be happy and I want him to be happy and I know that will never happen as long as we were married. He says he has stopped and has went to counciling for over a year. I know that he would marry me again, but I love him to much to put him through that. I know that I can never be with him and not have that hurt in my heart from it. It is hard being his friend and not having sex with him but whenever we do mess up I get weird again and start accusing and being paraniod. My ex is my best friend and I can not picture life without him in it, but if he really has stopped then he deserves someone who is not always accusing him and paraniod and I deserve not to be paraniod and degraded like that. I understand it is an addiction. I love him enough to accept him inspite of it and I will always be there for him no matter what. But for my own sanity and self esteem and probably his too I could never be his wife again.

Advice? I'm still trying to find answers too, but I will try. - - Feb 17th 2007

Dear readers,

My story is similar.  I had six children with my husband who I considered my "best friend"; now after a lot of trying, counseling, and lying on his part I consider him my "worst enemy".  What is some advice that can help us all?

1.  God can comfort you, fill your home with peace, if you try to make him your partner instead, daily by praying and say "I give you this hurt in my heart, send me peace."  This is what I do.

2.  What if all women stood up and left, and said something about porn, fought it legally?  We are too quiet.  Can someone start a website?  I don't have skills in this and am trying to get a career to support my children or I would do it.  I would like to put a rattlesnake on the website with it protecting an egg that on the egg it says "Porn" because this shows how it turns men into protectors of porn against everyone.  If you are computer savy, start a campaign against it!  Popular vote is what this government was based on.

3.  Teach your children how damaging it is!  Tell them to be better to their spouses and lead a happier life and for their children.

4.  Realize that every person has flaws with their bodies, if they have big ??? then they are too short, or if they have nice hair then their skin isn't great or ... for the few who seem to have it all, even personality included, they may not match the man you are with in personality, so it limits men to find the "perfect woman" for them and they are chasing an unreal dream (except a few women out there that they may actually) but when they do find the younger beauty, they are still not happy because they are not perfect either or enough.  Just to realize these men are in a losing battle should give you some confidence that you are not in this crazy way of thinking, you are at least free of this addiction.  Yes, true, the ramifications of thier behavior has been cruel and a stabbing and recurring pain in your heart.  Find people who love the good in life and you will be happy again.

Once a Junkie... - Steph H. - Feb 16th 2007

 When I first caught him, it cut like a knife...he was cheating on me on line.  This was after 14 years of marriage.  After much counseling and empty promises, he is still active, only now much more sophisticated in his queries.  The male perspective will tell you that it is the addiction that controls them, and if you can forgive them and love them, you can help them through it.  Nonsense. This is a serious illness and unless there is a SERIOUS COMMITTMENT on their part to WANT to change, don't kid yourself that it will stop. We have 2 great kids and in order to keep them that way, I divorced him happily after 17 years of marriage.  No way will I ever tell myself that I don't measure up to those "women" he voyers.  Face it ladies, they are prostitutes.  Don't compare yourselves to them. Don't let their sickness take you down with them.  Get out, save yourself and your family. And for heavens sake why would anyone stay in a relationship like this because of religious beliefs?  I know God and God wouldn't want you to suffer.  God would want you to value the life that you were given. I am much less angry, much more happy with myself and hopeful that I will find a man who is well and whole and who can love me the way I DESERVE to be loved.

 

relieved, but not entirely fixed! - Jess H. - Feb 14th 2007

Wow, I thought I was alone on this issue.  Just to get thing 100% straight, my partner, of 6 years, is not a porn addict, an addiction is a very serious thing that needs real councelling and therapy, and beeing the partner of a porn addict would be almost unbearable, well done to all the men who are getting help and my thoughts are with those women who are having to go through the emotional trauma of the situation, I by no means wish to trivialise this issue with my own problem

I think the main thing that gets me when it comes to porn is the secrecy. I've never said I don't want my partner to watch porn,  I have even tried to make it somthing that we can use as part of our sex-life if we're in a kinky mood! But the fact he avoids telling me about the porn he downloads, if i ask, or tries to hide it from me, (when I've made such an effort to be cool with it and open to pretty much everything) is what really destroys my self confidence. I really do feel that he looks at porn to make up for what I can't give him, which just tears me up inside that . I try to be respectful of his own choices and not tell him what he can and can't look at on his PC, but as far as my sanity and happiness goes, I am fight ing a silent uphill battle that I fear I will lose. I have become very depressed, i can nolonger stand the way I look, i have developed overwhelming sexual anxiety, I feel crazy and betrayed and exhausted.  Is there someone out there who can tell me that most men who watch porn don't do it because their girl friends aren't good enough? why would a man hide these things from the woman he supposedly loves if he wasn't doing somthing that would hurt her? A realistic male voice, to put this in perspective, would bring peace of mind to the many women (who i have just now realised are) in my situation.

Understanding husband. - - Feb 12th 2007

To the ladies.  Please allow me to say a few things.  I(yes, a male) have been looking at internet porn for a while.  I wouldn't say I was addicted to it, but yes, I have visited pornography websites.  I just want to say(with all honesty) that my actions had no impact on my marriage.  I still adored my wife and our sex-life was amazing.  I can honestly say that we were happily married, even though I was doing what I was doing.  Then she found out about it.  The next four weeks was hell.  I could literally feel us drifting apart, needless to say that our sex-life dropped away like a brick.  It was the worst 4 weeks of my life.(which I deserved).  I can only be thank-full that my wife is the stongest woman I know, and she haven't left me.  I realised what I have done to her, and to our marriage, and stopped surfing for porn alltogether(realising that it's not worth it).  Now, our marriage is slowly being restored and our sex-life has picked up considerably.  I guess what I am trying to say is that it doesn't necesarily mean that if your man is surfing pornography, there is something wrong with you, or he isn't interested in you, or you don't "do it" for him anymore, or he doesn't love you anymore.  Also,  I think my case is proof that there actually is a way to get through it all.  Hang in there, take a step back and try to find it.

 To the guys.  If you read through these comments, you can see what it does to your loved one and your relationship.  Why do it then?  I have been there, and I've done it, but I'm proud to say that I could stop, and save my marriage.  And believe me, your sex life can become top notch once more.  You have to make a conscious desicion to stop, and stick by it no matter what.  You won't believe me, but going through each "porn-less" day(keeping in mind what it does to your lady) actually feels good.   Obviously you need to have the will to stop.  If you don't want to stop, you wont.   Good luck. 

Can't compete - - Feb 11th 2007

Ever since I stumbled on my boyfriend masturbating at his computer while I was mowing the lawn, an ever growing world of porn addiction has emerged (that was me that submitted the Valentine poem).

I experienced all the cliche gut reactions, like the stages of grief. I did some reading and decided not to take it personally. Last night I told him to imagine my horror when I realized that he hadn't lost interest in sex, he'd just lost interest in me. He told me he wished I would dress less conservatively.

 So it's on. This crap is making us all look bad. Like many others, I was living an ideal life with what I thought was the ideal man. Then I started to realize that sex was something I always initiated - he's doing me a favor! His real sex life is downstairs on his computer. I can't compete with that.

 Now he's begun sharing this with my voluptuous girlfried, who just broke up with her boyfriend. He's fantasizing about a threesome with her, or maybe just her. SHE dresses provocatively. We've discussed what an idioticly risky thing this is - not to mention her stupid big mouth. Little does he know that this same thing spelled the beginning of the end for her marriage, and that his image as "Mr. Wonderful" has now evaporated.

I hate to give up on my "wonderful" life, but I can't live like this. Pornography paints this totally unrealistic picture of sex life. It targets men with there testosterone blinders on.

For my man, I think it's the ideal sex life. Nobody ever complains, it's all about him, there are no emotional issues, and most importantly, the atmosphere allows him to get a rise out of it, without any embarrassing efforts on his part. I wish he understood that I know that, and realize that this stuff is bound to make me look bad, and ruining not only our sex lives, but soon to be our entire lives as we know it.

My husband surfs porn whilst at work and I am 3 months pregnant - MrsWebb - Feb 10th 2007

This is an interesting site and one that I have found very useful.  My husband is sneaky with his computer and phone - he has over the last year done certain things to make me mistrust him (but never hard evidence) - just flirting with other woman profoundly in front of me, giving them the come on, calling his ex repeatidily and ex calling him playing games and using the kids as pawns.

Well, last night I didn't go out of my way - but was on his computer and saw that he had a password of mine saved in his web browser.  I was trying to find out how to delete it and came across his 'cookies' - web surfing activities.  For months the cookies showed that he has been viewing hard core porn pictures, during work hours (time and dates are next to cookies).

He asked me what I was doing and I told him.  He said that he only clicks on them when he gets spam and has been moaning for so long about the amount of spam he gets.

I am trained in security in IT - and there was no point in him lying to me.  I told him that there were saved jpegs (pictures) there whether he had knowing saved them or not (or not was this - in this case) they were there and that meant he had to click on a link on a e-mail, go onto a web page and view images.

It made me angry that he lied to me.  It made me angry that he did it during work time and even though he is the boss - so he won't be caught - he has always moaned that we could lose the house that comes with his job (that we are currently living in) as he cannot do his job and can't get motivated.

To top it off, I am 3 months pregnant and a part of me no matter how much we want this baby thinks that my marriage is over with him and it's all wrong having his baby.

I have felt insecure with him and our relationship ever since we got married (just over a year now), it would seem that once we got married everything changed.  The man I loved changed and became distant and cold.

When I found the images and what he had been up to - I walked out of the house crying and drove off.  When I returned home, he had bought me a big bunch of flowers and box of chocloates.

I didn't let him come into our bedroom last night so he sleep on the couch - but put the flowers and choccies outside the bedroom door.

The thing is - its just too little too late.  He never treats me to stuff even when things are good, so why go out and buy me flowers when things are REALLY bad?  Don't men understand that it won't wash and that they really hurt us so badly?!

I can't stop crying.  I feel stressed and very tense.  I know half of it is the hormones of pregnancy but I feel cheated on (as the porn was on a regular basis and A LOT of it).

I feel rejected and hurt also.  Maybe I am being a drama queen and I am sure in the cold light of day that it really isn't as bad as other issues in the world - however I do fear that it will lead onto him having an affair.

Thank you for listening.

xxx 

Full of Questions - At a crossroads - Feb 10th 2007

I found out about my boyfriend’s internet porn when we moved in together. I was BEYOND shocked. He always said he hated that kind of stuff and didn’t understand why it held such a fascination for most men! HA! Shortly after he moved in, he was showing me some family pics on the computer he had brought with him.  I saw that there were other folders with girls’ names on them and, to make a long story short, I became a “detective”.  When I confronted him with all I knew – the sites, the pictures, the chats, the fake e-mail accounts – he denied it. When he was forced to admit it, he said it was from a long time ago.  It took much badgering and displaying of actual evidence on my part (with dates) in order to get him to confess. He is such a sweet guy – religious, moral, considerate – a real boy-scout. I couldn’t even comprehend it! Anyway, we talked a lot, he promised never to do it again. I said I would leave if he did and we moved on – blissfully happy, mind you! I would check the history now and then and find nothing.  I even asked him at one point if he had stopped or if he was just getting more clever about hiding it.  He said all was well. I decided to trust him until I was shown otherwise and on we went.  Fast forward a year or two…we a happily married; living in a new house. Yep. You guessed it. Found it again a year after marriage. Long story – more of same. He denies it outright. Lies. Eventually comes clean when confronted with proof. Remember that said I’d leave if it happened again. We weren’t married then. Easier said than done. I decide to stick it out. This time, he identifies it as an addiction and gets professional help. I go with him to counseling and we talk a lot. I tell him it’s fine that he’s human and that he may slip – but that he just couldn’t hide it from me. I just needed him to be honest with me and we could work through it together. The erosion of trust is what was most devastating.  OK – fast forward again – one year or so after therapy. Yep. Caught him again just this week, my husband of 2 and a half years.  I am at a loss. We went to counseling for a year. We had a plan. He promised to talk with me about it if he felt tempted again. Last time, (the second time) I made it very clear that I WOULD NOT accept any more lying and hiding. So now what? I’ve kind of painted myself into a corner with that one: I said I’d leave if he lied again. He lied. I’m supposed to leave, right? Otherwise – how can he take me seriously when there are no lasting consequences for his actions? I’m really devastated and REALLY angry…and really lost.  If I was sure that I knew the extent of the activities, I think I’d stay (and be very careful about issuing future ultimatums – lesson to self). My biggest fear is….what if he only admitted to what I found? What if there is some serious deviant stuff going on? Minors? Teens? If he looks at gay sites, does it mean he’s gay? Has he done anything illegal? I’m worried about the names of some of the categories of material he has perused: bisexual, gay sex, adult-youth! What is normal? Does this mean my wonderful loving perfect-in-every-other-way husband is a closet pedophile? Or is it just normal curiosity and normal behavior in response to the magnitude and variety of what one is presented with on-line. I mean, I may not be a person who seeks out S and M type stuff – but…if I was surfing the net and it was there…would I look out of curiosity? Probably. So…what is normal?? Does anyone know? My husband’s therapist told him he couldn’t even look at mild magazines or read erotica because it was such a slippery slope for an addict. I’m not sure I agree. He’s already embarrassed about looking at porn at all and I think some amount of it – OFF the internet, would be normal. Does forbidding ANY at all make it even worse? Isn’t the therapist reinforcing his warped sense of guilt about ANY porn at all that started the whole thing?  Does anybody have a similar situation? Did you stay after multiple offenses? Did the trust ever come back? Is there more to worry about (deviant behavior) than meets the eye? Am so full of questions….and so confused. Any advice would be appreciated.

beyond repair - - Feb 7th 2007
I discoved my husband has been looking at porn throughout most of our relationship, even during my second pregnancy. The only way I found out is because he forgot to delete the history ONCE, and for whatever reason I happened to check it and found 10 or so sites from just one day. I am completely devastated. He initially denied it was his, then admitted to it but said it wasn't that big of a deal. He's in counseling and has gone 3 times so far, and the counselor has suggested that it comes down to a COMMUNICATION problem between us, that's why he viewed porn as often as he did. He claims that we weren't having sex often enough, but he never once brought this to my attention, not a single word. I also feel that he's trying to blame me in a way by saying that. The counselor also asked him about what type of porn he likes to look at, what type of women, and they're women who look nothing like me. How on earth am I supposed to compete with that? I'm so angry with him sometimes I want to leave him. I've become so depressed over this and my self esteem has been shot. How am I supposed to get naked in front of him knowing that not only does he like to look at and masturbate to other women on a regular basis, but that those women look nothing like me? I have so much anger and hurt inside me I don't know what to do.

I - - Feb 3rd 2007
I don't have a particular problem with porn,shared that it. What i hate and what makes me feel cheated is the secret downloads.  It totally destroys my confidence and my self-esteem and makes me feel cheated.

Devastated - - Feb 2nd 2007
My husband has devalued anything we have ever shared!  He is in denial about the whole porn thing.  He says he is not an addict.  I stumbled upon this and have since found it throughout our computer.  How can he say he is not an addict when he has viewed it everyday for the last two years?  I have been with him for years and was clueless that this was going on.  Do these men realize what they are doing to us?  I cannot eat,sleep etc. The hurt I feel is beyond anything I have felt before.  Even when I confronted him about it initially I asked him if he had anything else to add.  He said that was all he had done --I have since found other things.  What a complete liar!  How do you ever trust him again? He may as well have slept with someone else.  It is the same kind of beytrayal.  I do not know how to move on besides eliminating him from my life.  If anyone out there has any advice I would appreciate it.

Thank you, Pilgrim. - - Feb 1st 2007
Thank you, Pilgrim for your comments. I appreciate reading the male perspective. I'm confused and torn by this issue, which I've just discovered with my boyfriend. And you're right, it's up to the man to take action, but how long do I wait to see the efforts? I sent this blog site to my boyfriend and hope he reads your input (he hasn't acknowledged receiving this site from me). I want him to get over his addiction to internet porn.

It's not the porn, it's the trust - Confused yet Strong - Jan 31st 2007
I have been with my boyfriend for five years. I am now 22 years old. We have talked about being together after college and moving in together, etc. We even talked about getting married. Well, two weeks ago I found porn on his computer. I have told him in the past that I was a little insecure about porn. He always told me that I was the only beautiful girl in the world to him and he didn't need to look at anyone else. So initially, I felt shocked and hurt. I confronted him and he was really defensive. He told me that he didn't give a sh$% about me anymore. I then slapped him in the face. About 4 days pass, and I call him to apologize for overreacting. He told me that I was phyiscally abusive for hitting him. I felt hurt, because I've never slapped him before, and I felt like he deserved it since he was insulting me. Anyways, I told him that I wasn't mad at him and that I just wanted honesty. I even told him I was okay with some things, but just not playboy or complete nudity. To make up for it, I told him that he could take some photos of me. It was a lot of fun. But the catch was, he promised he would never look at the "stuff" that hurt me. Two days ago, I found three playboy dvds in his backpack. I've never been so angry and hurt in my life. I thought we came to a great compromise. Now I just want him to delete the photos and I want to move on with my life. I am scared that I will never trust another man again.

The male perspective -hopefully - pilgrim - Jan 30th 2007
As a male, I find it really sad to read comments from all the women that have been hurt by their partner's addiction to internet porn. I use the word addiction as no rational man would inflict this much damage on their relationship by choice. Unfortunately any addiction I believe is at its deepest level a form of anxiety management ..and what that addiction we turn to is probably going to work along whatever faultlines exist in our own personalities and take the form of what is most available to us. So for some, the addiction may be alcohol, for others it may be food ...but unfortunately for men, I believe porn is always potentially a big faultline ...due to way our male sexuality is wired up and the way most men are (over) exposed to porn in their adolescents. Unfortunately there has been such a huge explosion of porn on the internet in the last decade, that I am not surprised that it could become an addiction of choice. Of course, I don't want to make the above sound like a cop-out for male responsibility/sexuality. We in the 21st century like to delude ourselves that life should be easy as this is what product commercials tell us everyday. Life is difficult and always will be anxiety producing. So men need to have courage and grow up and find better ways to manage their anxieties and not to fall into the trap of thinking that their problems with life, work, marriage, parents etc can excuse any addiction or over-use of porn. Self pity is as powerful an addiction as any ...and it will keep other addictions in place until the man stop making excuses. However I explained all of the above in a way to let their wives and girlfriends know that under that addiction is almost certainly the loving man they started going out with and for whatever reason has got caught up in something that is damaging him. What's worse he probably knows how deep in s%%t he is and that is why he is so defensive, hostile and unloving because to be otherwise would be to admit he is in trouble and that he needs to make a big change in his life. What to do? I am sure that showing shame, disgust is they way to go ..as at some level the man will judge themselves much harder. Unfortunately the only person who can fix the problem is the man himself. I would try to keep loving him (if your love isn't irreparably damaged)...while trying to show him that its not the porn itself (pixels on a screen) ....but they way that porn is controlling him, is damaging the love you have for him and making him less of the person that he was or could be that is the problem. I believe 90% of the solution is for the man to recognise the nature of the problem they have and that its not the porn itself. You can probably guess that its a faultline I share ..so the above is an attempt to explain the male perspective and my own journey. I can still see the seduction of internet porn ..but I know it is something that I am not good at dealing with and now of own choice avoid.

no way but out? - crystal - Jan 29th 2007
my love for my boyfriend of the last 3 years is being destroyed! several months ago i came across an email my boyfriend sent out to a girl from yahoo personals which he was trying to hook up with. when confronted he became very defensive, swore he has never been unfaithful and this was pure fantasy. he was very apologetic and said repeatedly he was sorry , that nothing happened. after this incident i became more invasive of his privacy and looked through his internet history and various email accounts, (he maintains 4 that i know of). what i found led to huge arguments and is destroying a beautiful relationship. outside of this issue, we are wonderful together , we don't bicker or argue, we laugh and have fun, and it saddens me that i feel that i am left with no way but out. his taste for pornograpy has left me speechless, embarrassed about being seen naked by him, not wanting him to touch me and after reading these posted emials, i am wondering if he is also masterbating in the bathroom, bathtub, while i am in the shower, etc. i feel this 'right to view' whatever one wants is ruining the lives of many women, and for that matter the men that get sucked into it. my boyfriend loves me very , very, much,(in his own words) this i don't doubt, and my leaving him will hurt him very much , he has told me so many times when i have threatened to leave him because of this. i feel bad for him because from what i have read on the subject this addiction is hard to overcome. i went to the doctor this week and asked to be checked for any s.t.d. they have a test for and am anxiously waiting for the results. i strongly feel i need to leave him before i am so affected by this that i will be tainted, permanently, towards all men. we very rarely have sex, i can never initiate, and sadly am becoming self destructive in the way of abusing pain killers. i had a very healthy and normal sex life with my boyfriend previous to this relationship and therefore have a reference to what a beautiful thing sex can be, it is not this thing on the internet that takes control of the mind of our beloved men and i would like to help him but don't know how, for my own self-preservation , i feel there is no way but out.

male perspective - Brian - Jan 27th 2007
i've noticed that everyone here is female. i sought out this website because i think (know) that pornography has negatively influenced my perception of sex. i started watching porn when i was 15 online and it has always been a staple of my sex life (grew up with the internet). i'm 23 now and recently got out of a serious relationship that lasted for a few years. when i started dating my girlfriend i was, like many men in college, an internet porn addict. we clashed over pornography for pretty much all of the reasons that you all mention -- mostly that it was demeaning and degrading to women, but also trust, her feeling that she wasn't good enough, feeling that it was cheating, her thinking that i wanted something else or more. i gave up pornography for the last 18 months of our relationship and while it was hard at first, i liked myself more during it and our sex life was back on track and was great. the simple act of being with a beautiful woman that i cared about turned me on more than anything i could ever imagine. since we broke up (not porn-related at all, i truly quit for 18 months), i have gone back to internet porn and now am planning on stopping again because i feel my sex drive with other women diminishing. you all are right and i couldn't agree more; pornography is an evil that ruins relationships and ruins lives. but just like at the heart of any relationship struggle, it hinges on understanding. i know you all are upset and angry with your spouse/partner, but you need to forgive, because men can change. i changed... i just wish i stuck with it after i broke up. i felt this needed to be said. thanks.

- Weirded out and annoyed - Jan 19th 2007
My husband watches anime porn and it weirds me out. I just don't understand. Even though I have a bit of issues with him watching regular porn, I can live with that I suppose but anime comic porn? How can anyone masturbate to cartoon characters with a "storyline"? I just don't get it. This is the third time I have woke up with him masturbating with anime comic (even though I have woke up with him masturbating to regular porn plenty of times) and it's just, I simply don't get it. And for some reason, it makes me sick and I get so angry at him. I want to punch him in his face, hard. It really makes me not like him and if this continues... I just don't know.

what they think if they saw these? - dismal - Jan 15th 2007
They wouldn't care. When they are downloading some of this stuff there is absolutely no doubt that some it contains illegal activity (i.e. with minors, incest, etc). Having it on the computer means the owner can be charged with a sex offense. Whose name is the internet in? Mine. Forget not caring about feelings, he doesn;t even care that this can ruin the rest of your (not HIS) life, lose job, lose career. As long as he gets his way, gets his jollies. So what would they think if they saw this? What I get told when I catch him again and again. "Get a thicker skin".

HURT AND BETRAYED - - Jan 15th 2007
Well I am pretty much like all of you. My husband looks at porn videos and magazines and I hurt so much. I feel so betrayed and that I am not good enough. Anyone got some moral support? Email me at gnat027@yahoo.com

whats the big deal - no biggy - Jan 11th 2007
you know i really don't see a problem with men or women who want to watch pornography on the internet. as long as you still have a sex life with another human being and it's not just with ur keyboard what's the harm. i think people that get addicted to this stuff already have some kind of underlying mental issue.

The Trust has Gone - betrayed - Jan 11th 2007
I have recently discovered my husband accessing porn sites and contact sites. One site is called 'Swinging Heaven' on which he has placed a profile! He describes himself as bi-sexual, seeks a threesome saying he is very considerate to the needs of a lady, and among the things he likes he has highlighted 'dogging' voyeurism' 'threesomes etc. I found the whole thing sickening. I confronted him with it and he said it was just a bit of fun when he was bored. He emphatically denied being bi-sexual. What really amazes me is that he joined these sites when our relationship was 6 months old - our sex life was brilliant, so how could he have been bored? Needless to say he accesses porn sites but my greatest worry is the contact sites. It has made me very very depressed, I have lost all my sex drive, I feel I cannot trust him. I have also discovered he has 2 email addresses which i did not know about. I am also deeply suspicious about a pay as you go phone he may have. He ofcourse does not want this to affect our relationship, thinks I am over reacting and keeps telling me how much he loves me and would never want anyone else. Oh if only that was to be easily believed. I am trying to put thjis behaind us but dont know whether i can trust him not to go onto these sites anymore. He knows I am very very upset but I dont think he has any idea of the hurt he has caused. i really feel as though someone has killed my baby. Wish there were more sites that would allow other women who have experienced this to contact oneanother for support. I am slowly thinking that all men are bastards, everyone having totally selfish aims fro sexual satisfaction. the Internet has a lot to answer for but let's not forget MEN have more so!!

Disappointed and Sickened - - Jan 11th 2007
I just caught my husband of barely over half a year looking at porn. I only caught him doing this before once, years ago, when he claimed it was a pop-up (and I believe him; it was on a friend's computer). I gave him everything, my virginity, and have been VERY experimental with him. I am fifteen years younger than him and an attractive girl--you can see I really love and trust him to have married him even though he has a past failed marriage, and a son from another relationship. I am so hurt and devastated . . . the worst thing is that I realize, deep down, it's not that I'm not good enough. He loves having sex with me, but he loved watching those other girls, too. The worst thing is that I don't want to be sexy around him any more--don't want him to see me naked--don't want to take care of the home as I should--don't want to trust him again and get hurt. I am so depressed and I don't know what to do.

sick of life - sha - Jan 9th 2007
I have a partner of seventeen years.We have 2 girls together.He has always had sex issues.when we were first together he was cheating on me.This went on for a years.He says it was only a few times.I will never know.He has always masterbated leaving tell tale signs all over the house.When i started to complain he started to hide it.I then found porn just after my daughter was born.During this time i was battling depression.He would masterbate a few times a day.I caught him looking at a mother at my daughters nursery one dayin a strange way.When we got home he went straight to the bathroom and masterbated.I decided to ask him about his fantasies one nightTo my horror the one at the time he was masterbating about was my sister.Then he told me he had masterbated about all my friends neighbours even my mother.I hit rock bottom isolated my self gave up all friends.Distinced my self from all my family.HE blamed me of course he said i made him feel unwanted.I begged him to stop.I wanted it to work for the kids.He promised it would.When i think back the mastebation never stopped.He was masterbating daily at least twice a day in my bed ,in the shower,he wold just leave the room and go to the toilet.If i went for a bath he would view porn on tv and then go for a shower.I was so low in my self i never even noticed it was still going on.Our sex live was deteriorating

If they only knew - B - Jan 5th 2007
To all of us that have commented lately, I wonder what our significant others would say if they read what we all feel. I wonder if they would come to realize that it's not just their wife/girlfriend, but most women are so hurt by their behavior. I don't care if my husband wants to masturbate occasionally, but why does it have to be in front of the computer with some vile video or image. Is that what really turns them on? Do they realize that these "girls" are probably being abused and are addicted to some substance? I suppose that doesn't matter to them. It's all about the thrill and end product. How sad for all of us.

I feel sick and I'm not sure I should... - Anonymous - Jan 5th 2007
Yesterday I was looking for a file on my husbands laptop and found several hardcore pornography movies in the shortcuts file. Since they were only shortcuts, I couldn't view the films but the titles were enough to tell me what he likes. I have been depressed for two days and even though we talked last night and he swears he will never look again, I am finding myself not trusting him. When I confronted him about it, he tried to lie his way out of it and finally fessed up. I found this site and so many of the things women have said here is how I feel. We have a very active sex life and I feel he is very lucky compared to some of the men he works with and what they complain about. I'm willing to do anything with him and truly enjoy sex. Why does he need porn? Why am I not good enough? I definitely don't look like those women but he is hardly a male model himself. That is what I tried to explain to him. He may not be considered svelt to the average woman, but to me...he makes me hotter than anything. I don't need to look at other men. He then compared his porn to me thinking McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy is good looking. Huh? I'm not looking at movies of McDreamy masturbating himself! He wakes early in the morning and the files showed the time that he viewed them and they were all viewed early in the morning when he is up alone. He explained this as that is when he feels that he has vitality and becomes aroused. I don't know what to make of it. I feel sick to my stomach everytime I look at the file names. I feel like I'm going to have a hard time letting this go. On the other hand, I hear doctors on TV or in the news say that there is really nothing wrong with porn. However, it has really hurt me so there must be something wrong. I have zero desire to even have him put his hands on me, let alone have sex with him. Like another poster said, he is my best friend...we've always known everything about each other yet he kept that from me and tried to hide it. I honestly want to throw up. We're not as close as I thought we were. There are just SO many things about this that hurt me. I read that many women feel like their partner has cheated and that is how it feels to me. What is the difference between watching a woman masturbate herself and being there in that moment and actually watching it. Of course, there IS a difference but boy...it doesn't seem like there is MENTALLY to him. I think to get over this I'm just going to have to make a decision to completely let it go and forgive him but that will be hard to do. My feelings are so deeply hurt.

can'tbelieve itl - - Jan 5th 2007
I can't believe that my husband has searched over 200 porn sites..He is supposed to be studying......to be an stock broker. - --nice morals

This hurts - B - Jan 4th 2007
My husband has been watching porn for a couple years. I came to terms with that as our sex life is good. He has been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and I wonder if this is part of it. He told me he feels bad about himself when he does it, but I don't think he can stop. Lately I've discovered that he's looking at 18 yr. olds. Stuff like "teen panty", "f***ing 18", things like that. He's 41 and we've been married for 15 years with 2 daughters. I'm not worried that he'll do anything to them or anyone else, I'm just wondering if I should say something to my husband or his therapist. It gets really tiring dealing with this all the time. It's so hurtful when you first discover the porn. I hate part of what the internet has become. Who would have thought it could cause so much pain.

Porn has killed me - Saloni - Jan 2nd 2007
I caught my boyfriend watching at videos of boobs of otehr women and i had the shock of my life. i have been dating him for yrs now. i have been through an abortion cause of him. the worst part is he always said to me he hated men who looked at porn. i have lsot faith in love and i feel i hate sex.

Husband's addiction to porn during pregnancy - - Dec 17th 2006
I am eight months pregnant with my second child. Since the beginning of my pregnancy my husband has refused to have sex with me. With the first pregnancy he too refused to have sex; however, he claimed it was because he was afraid of hurting the baby. With this pregnancy, though, he has been much more candid and told me that he still loves me but thinks it is gross to be intimate with a pregnant woman. During my fourth month I accidentally came across the history of his internet site use and I found that he had been looking at internet porn very frequently. I confronted him on the issue and he became very defensive. I warned him that sometimes porn is like a "gateway drug." The usage starts by just viewing and becoming aroused by these images, but then can lead to making contact with some of these girls through chat rooms, and perhaps eventually having an affair to act out these porn fantasies. We fought about this for about two months, which really put the pregnancy in jeopardy because I sank into a severe depression. Finally, I though of a temporary solution where I would perform oral sex on him at least three times a week. I even offered to perform oral sex while he was watching porn so that he could mentally and visually include me in his arousal . I figured by doing this he would stop watching porn in secret because he was being sexually satisfied. This was not the answer, though. Despite my attempts, I have found him secretly looking at internet porn while I am in the shower, asleep in bed, running errands... He has even come home from work during the middle of the day when he knows I am gone to look at the sites. He has also recently, in the past month, been visiting web-cam sites to view girls from our city. I told him that, in my opinion, looking at local girls is a form of cheating and I would not tolerate it. He, of course, denied that he had been viewing these local girls' sites and told me it was an accident. However, through monitoring his internet history, I know he has visited this local site at least four times in the past two weeks. I am afraid to bring up this problem again since I am so close to term and I do not want additional stress to enduce early labor. I am hoping that when the baby is born our sex life will go back to normal and he will not feel the need to suppliment the real thing for porn arousal. I am really concerned, though, that I will not be able to get over this. I am somewhat sexually liberal and I like watching porn with him because it gives us new ideas and spices up our sex life. However, the way he has handled this during my pregnancy I think has resignated some resentment in me. To be quite honest, I think his selfish and insensitive behavior has really exposed him for what he is; a jerk, which breaks my heart that I would even think that of the man I so dearly love! I am giving serious though to marriage therapy after the birth of the baby, which also makes me resentful because we have had a perfectly healthy sex life and wonderful marriage for the past seven years, until internet porn began to corode our marriage.

Porn Addiction has destroyed marriage - Jennifer - Dec 13th 2006
My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. I discovered his porn addiction after 1 year of marriage. I was heart broken, because it not only interferred with our sex life, trust issues, and so on, but my husband was beginning to get in contact with women from these websites. My husband did reveal to me that this was something he had been doing compulsivly since he was in his early teens and he thought that once he got married it would go away (we married at age 25). We went into counseling for over 2 years, and attended sex addition support groups during that time. Things got worse though and at this point we have not had sex in over a year; because my husband only wants what he regards as the best sex "dirty" sex. I told him I'm willing to try out anything in the bedroom just to salvage any kind of sex life we may still be able to have, but he wants me to have no part of his fantasies. I have begun drinking to subdue the pain I feel from the rejection. It hurts to be in the prime of my life and I am totally disrespected and unloved. I was once a model, I'm still attrative, and am told so, but I won't have an affair. I wish I could leave him, but because of my religious beliefs, I will not divorce. I am trapped in hell.

Torn - Nikki - Dec 13th 2006
My husband and I have been married for three years and have two small children. I enjoy sex very much, but I feel lucky if this happens once a week. The problem arises in that my hubby is masturbating all during the week but only wants sex once (sometimes not even that much!). I've confronted him several times over the years but he get immensely defensive and has basicly told me to accept it and move on. He goes through bottles of lotions like I go through disposable razors. The problem is that our marriage is awesome though the sex is short and usually sucks. It's over in just a few minutes and I usually never get the ' big O'. He doesn't like to see my naked because I'm not fit and I'm still trying to get back to my pre-pregnancy size. We have an 18 month old and a six month old. I wear size 8 to 10, but still have some loose skin. He's constantly making comments about my tummy, and most strangers are shocked to find out I've had kids as they say I physically do not ' look like it'. He posted a profile on hornymatches.com, and even used one of our wedding photos. He goes to this site all during the week and usually twice a day. And no, he doesn't know that I know this, well, at least at this point. He thinks because he's deleting his internet history that I'm clueless about his 'alone' activities. I'm torn because I love him but I can' t move on and accept this behavior. It's all I think about and I've been cutting on myself due to the anger and hurt I continually feel. I've cut on my legs before but when I was upset about other things. The cutting is again becoming more frequent and I've gotten very embarrassed about my appearance. I'm struggling with the question what do you do when you can't move on?' but you're deeply in love with your best friend and lover who's a wonderful husband as well as father.

Porn Addictions are killing my relationship. - - Dec 13th 2006
Well I am 19 years old right now and I am going through a major problem with this. My boyfriend of 1.5 years is 21 years old. He claims he isnt addicted to porn. This was after I saw some on his history one day. From then on, I started getting on his screen name randomly and checking it and there was some porn. Actually, LOTS of it. The history was filled with pages upon pages of it. He always claims he doesnt like "big boobs", yet the porn he is looking at is "hot college teens" and "Big Boobed girls" and so on.. Well I am a pretty good looking 19 year old college girl with big boobs and he is always saying that "big boobs are nasty". So I keep finding this porn on his screen name but he doesnt know that I have found it and I get on his name. I dont know what to do. It kills me. Our sex life is horrible now. We barely have sex anymore. In the last month or so, weve had sex MAYBE 3 times. And when we do, he says "I give up, i cant go" after awhile and ends up just stopping. There is something definitely wrong there. This is ruining our relationship--atleast for me. I cant stand having sex with him anymore because I know that he has been looking at other women on the net and I cannot be attracted to that. It hurts me so badly. I love him with all of my heart but I cant stand this. Why does he need to look at these stupid girls on here, when I am at home all the time and he knows he can be with me? I have taken tons of his porn mags and ripped them up, thrown them away, burned them, etc. I also found a "Pocket pu**y" and took it home and destroyed it because I was so pissed off. He said he only used it a couple times--yeah right. So tell me... what do I do?

Porn sometimes leads to worse - - Aug 18th 2006
I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend, use to be fiance, for going on 4 years now. I knew a little after I first met him that he had watched porn and later found that he had been since he was 12 years of age starting with pictures working his way up to hardcore. He had also admitted to masturbating "alot". Later we moved in together and I found a great deals of files on his computer I confronted him and he said he would stop, later to only find more files and even a separate hard drive to better deceive me with. He told me he had a problem and wanted to stop. I felt we were very kinky in bed in many ways and didn't understand then why he needed this. Was he not getting enough in bed? Was I not hot enough? I realized that he was addicted and stopped blaming myself and became to accept the constant watching of porn thinking that it's fairly normal and I'd rather know and let him watch then have him lie. The only complaint is that he wants to try out everything he sees. He keeps wanting more in our sex life that I am not comfortable with. I eventually gave in thinking it would help only to find that he still wanted even more. He became unfaithful. He became numb not caring what his actions did to me only to feed his addiction. His addiction to porn led him to an addiction of sex and I fear that it has ruined our relationship for good. I feel that therapy is the only answer except that he has said he doesn't feel guilty for any of it.

Devestated - V. - Jul 9th 2006
I recently found out husband has been viewing hardcore porn for a couple of years and I am dealing with all the feelings of betrayl and disillusionment all wives and girlfriends feel. The worst part for me is this was my best friend of 17 years, husband of 10 and a man that I had an incredible frequent sex life with, we shared everything, or so I thought. I caught him months ago and let him know I knew, he was looking at it when I caught him"said it was a popup, I knew he was lying and calmly told him so, there were just too many nights locked in his office with the door locked. I gave him months to come to me with this but he never did, when he finally was forced to tell me about it, he lied about the kind he likes, masterbation, frequency of use, only later to tell the truth or supposedly telll the truth about everything. He says hes glad its out in the open now but admits he wouldnt have stopped if I hadnt have caught him even though he felt guilty about lying, and masterbating to it, only to keep going back. I miss my best friend, the porn guy who says he'll never do it again, He says he now feels as though this has showed him how child like and facinated he was with it. He described it like a kid who would sneak his dads porn mags and look at them with childlike fascination, I dont know this guy anymore, and I worry that this fixation is worse for him than he realizes.

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