| |
Basic InformationMore InformationLatest NewsQuestions and AnswersBlog EntriesThe Bystander Effect, What Would You Do?An Interview with Daniel Sonkin, Ph.D. on Domestic ViolenceThe Child is Father to the Man Abuse of Special Needs Children in our Public SchoolsChild Abuse PreventionBorderline Personality DisorderShould I Stay or Leave this Marriage or "When Is Enough Enough?"Child Abuse and Chronic Fatigue SyndromeAn Interview with Yulonda Brown on Surviving Abuse and Bipolar DisorderDomestic Violence: The Hidden Story of Abused MenAbused as a Child: Permanently Damaged?The Sexual Harassment of Girls and Sexual Minorites In Our SchoolsThe Long Lasting Negative Effects of AbusePeople Who Abuse, Are they Evil?Sexual Harassment in the Work Place, An ongoing problemAn Interview with Steven Levenkron, MS on Women's Childhood Sexual AbuseElder AbuseSome Thoughts about Victimization, Anger and AbuseThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part III, HealingThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part II: The ChildrenThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part IYoung Women and Sexual VictimizationIs This the Right Person for Me?Why People Remain In Abusive Relationships: Another Point of ViewWhat Kind of Father Are You?Good article concerning 'Spiritual' AbuseStockholm Syndrome and Regular Old AbuseEarly verbal abuse results in more adult depressionThe Deleterious Effects of Child Abuse'The Magdalene Sisters' as an Illustrated Abuse Primer LinksBook Reviews |
| | | |
People Who Abuse, Are they Evil?Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. Updated: Nov 9th 2007There are many postings and comments from our readers about physical and emotional abuse. All of these comments are valuable and important. However, there is a trend among some of the comments towards hating those who abuse and judging them to be evil. Anyone who has survived abuse has every reason to feel angry and unforgiving towards their persecutor. This is certainly understandable when you have been severely hurt. The point I want to make in this posting is that it is important to try to understand people who abuse rather than simply engage in condemnation. In no way does this mean that I condone abuse or the abuser. Learning about the reasons and motivations is not the same as agreeing with or forgiving reprehensible actions. We have read many times on our web site and others that the abuser is often someone who was abused during their childhood. Having been abused and having witnessed a lot of abuse during childhood they go on to become abusive towards their wives and children. In other words, these are people who are severely injured and in need of help. Being in need of help does not mean they should be permitted to be with their wives and children. Again, understanding why something happens does not mean that the survivors of this individual’s behavior should remain with him or her. However, there is value in recognizing that thee people are also human beings and victims of the events of their own lives. They, too, deserve a chance to recover and rehabilitate themselves if that is possible. Who is the abuser? He (she) is someone who has been severely humiliated, degraded and debased by the environment in which they developed from early on in their lives. They may start out with the best of intentions as spouses and parents but succumb to the hurt, rage and humiliation and shame that dominate their personality. People should not remain in a relationship with anyone who is abusive. In fact, the survivor of abuse should leave the relationship to protect their selves and, if there are children, to protect the children. If necessary, the police should be called and the abuser arrested in those cases that warrant such action. The individual who is abusive needs to be in psychotherapy, very possibly with medication treatment. What I want to make clear is that therapy and medication for the abusive individual is separate from any attempt to preserve their relationships. The motivation for treatment needs to be recognition on the part of the abusive person that they have a serious problem. They may never be able to return to their original relationships because they have caused too much harm and have destroyed the ability of former loved ones to ever trust them again. I know that anger management classes are recommended for the perpetrators of domestic violence. However, in my experience this approach is not potent enough. Intensive individual psychotherapy with group therapy is what I recommend. Medication can be an effective part of this. Many of those who commit these verbally and physically violent acts are extremely depressed and very impulsive. There are medications that can help dampen the depression anger and impulsiveness. It goes without saying that those who are abusive when they are drunk or high on drugs need to enter intensive drug and alcohol treatment centers to get the kind of help they need. If they continue to abuse drugs and alcohol there is no way they will be able to avoid being violent. Are too many of us perhaps too fast to yell, "Hang 'em from the highest tree," when we hear about abuse? Does abusing the abuser do anything for him or the rest of us? Is it not true that they need effective help instead of punishment? Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Yes - - Sep 4th 2009
I cut it off with my abusive parents 8 months ago. These psychos sent me $1500 worth of gifts on my birthday and are trying to contact me again. They think they can suck me in, then drop the hammer on me. I have seen it done many times before. I hate these people. I never knew people could get this bad. It's absolutely horrible. They have pulled all kinds of crazed actions and blamed me for it. They will probably do it again. I want to be left alone and will get a restraining order if necessary. I can't believe this. I can't believe that this exists. I didn't even know in my childhood. I thought all children were like this. I will do everything in my power to give my children a full and loving life. I am still repairing myself from the horrific atmosphere I endured. The only way to describe it is:
PURE PSYCHOLOGICAL TERROR The science of evil. - JR - Sep 1st 2009
A difficult point. That "evil" is not a scientific concept (at least in terms accepted by medical professionals) is accepted. It is, however, worth bearing in mind that the legal system in the United States (as in other common law countries) treats the actions comprehending such phenomena as sexual abuse, physical abuse, child abuse, and so on, as "evil" (acta rea) where they are accompanied by evil intent (mens rea). Whatever about the views of clinicians and health service professionals, lawyers and lawmakers remain reluctant to "medicalise" this problem, except in cases where clear mental illness is a factor. Even then, the perpetrator tends to end up in prison.
I might also remark that the concept of a "Higher Power" is somewhat short of scientific - but that is part of a different discussion ...
Yours from the Second Bench,
JR Evil - Victorious - Sep 1st 2009
'People Who Abuse, Are they Evil?'
Y E S !!!!
An abuse survivor!
Evil? - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Apr 30th 2009
I must admit that the man you are speaking of does sound evil. However, I suspect that he is either sociopathic or something else. From my perspective the word "evil" is not scientific. Something drives people, men and women, to be abusive. On the average, the men who are abusive are weak, troubled, overwhelmed, feaful and themselves. witnessed a lot of abuse while growing up. However, I totally understand and am empathic with your point of view. It more than understandable. Dr. Schwartz Evil? Yes. - Once a victim - Apr 30th 2009
As one abuser put it to me so well some years ago, we do it because it gets us what we want! Entitlement thinking. I can steal, lie, cheat others to get what I want also having been a victim, I have the knowledge and the ability to do that. I can choose to kill this person for what they done to me also. I chose not to. I choose not to simply because it is wrong to do that to others to get me what I want or to seek revenge. However, these people choose not to love or be understanding or caring most of the time to get what they need so I say yeah, they are EVIL. Where I have I been? Is there a new definition for evil now that I haven't heard of in my 50 something years???? Is there something out there WORSE THAN THESE MEN? These men lie, cheat, beat, steal your very sould and life away and many of them do murder their victims so what is MORE EVIL than this? Please help we victims of these people to understand what is MORE EVIL than this if it is NOT EVIL??????!!!! Thanks. Realiseing Abusive Behavior - Anthony - Apr 14th 2009
Im ANthony, I grew up in a home where dad was very abusive and i swore that i would not repeat it. Several years later i ended up doing just that in my own way. It cost me a marriage,3 kids and a potential engament as of present. I m seriously trying to slay this beast in my life and when i start lookin for serious help all I could find was refuge for the victims and hopeless damnation for the perpertrator which in this case would be me!! I was relieved to find this site where there is some hope of finding help instead of hell if you really want it. Thank you for a proactive driven site towards solution. some people are not rehabilitatable - not a victim - Jan 19th 2009
In my long experience with recovery as a victim of abuse and 8 years of watching abusers and abused go through counseling and group and therapy, I know of only one of the hundreds I met that actually got his act together and made great strides. For the most part, the men who abuse keep on abusing no matter how old they get, no matter what the consequences and at what point do you define evil? People who are narcisstic, who inflict pain on others to make themselves feel better or not have to face things and who show no remorse and who are not trying to helpl themselves are evil. They take up wasted space on this planet and do the opposite of what most of us are trying to do; make this life and planet a better place. I wish we could round them up and put them all together and let them abuse each other. Even if they did reform decades later, it never undoes the shearing and sharp pain that seems permanent for us who are abused. Will it ever go away? Abusers are insecure jerks - - Nov 18th 2008
Yes abusers are evil because everyone is responsible for their own actions and if anyone has been on the receiving end of abuse it is no fun. SOUNDS PATHETIC - DORCAS - Sep 11th 2008
Kelly's situation sounds pathetic, so unreal but I know it's true. Abraham was told to get out of his family house, because God knew he would not be what He wanted him to be with him still staying in the father's house. God would give you the abilility to cope, even to the suprise of your people. I love you for being so strong and not succumbing. Abuse - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Aug 16th 2008
Kelly, I believe that your conclusion is very realistic and I support you. They sound very toxic and you are better off without being made to feel terrible. Some people will never change and, unfortunately, that appears to be true of them. Enjoy you life and no longer allow their behaviors to upset you. Dr. Schwartz I will not abondon myself Public commitment! - kelly - Aug 16th 2008
I am a middle aged woman now. I was treated for post tramatic disorder and I am fairly healthy now. There are of course there are more things to learn. But I no longer have nighmares, or intrusive thoughts, for the most part I am no longer hypervigilent and I have a productive life. I grew up in a wealthy household. I was constantly told by my mom that she wished I was dead, that I better behave or I would be disinherited and that she wished I was never born. She was a quite anti religion and I was interested in spirituality. I was ridiculed for it. They would do something like hit me and then deny it and tell me I was making it up. They would also tell me things that they would later deny. But I kept a journal. So I knew. For the last ten years I have been trying to get them to see who I am now. A few examples I offered were spending a weekend with them one on one or by going out to visit them. The first request was denied because they "had nothing in common with me". In the second situation they would either not be there or they would severly curtail the amount of time they would spend with me. They are comfortable talking to everyone else but me on the phone. They at one point told me that it was too expensive to call, this coming from someone who travels the world and buys real estate and new luxury cars. They spend money like it is going out of style. I was even told not to talk to my sibling, my therapist and my own Grandma! Of course they wanted to keep their behaviors hidden. My thought was just don't do the behavior! Then what I say about you wouldn't bother you! Simple My dilema today is just letting go of my sibling, who seems to have the same boiling rage under the surface towards me. It is my last connection to that family. I think I am going to let go I love them but their behaviors just make me feel crazy and they won't look at it. They do the usual scapegoating, denials and complete and utter discounting and dismisal of me. I accept that they do not want to see who I really am. I accept that they only want to appear to have a relationship with me so that they appear to be normal. I will not pretend. I have done that to my peril. I will not allow them to shame dump on me. I will honor my own intuitions and I will become all that I can make of myself! I will not abondon my own self. Just for the record, some people are too toxic to love in person. They will be in my prayers. I wish them well. I will no longer fan the hope that they will have the stregth of charcter to try to have a relationship. | 
RSS Feed
Readers in the Boulder, Colorado metro area (or Denver area people willing to drive) may contact Dr. Schwartz for face-to-face consultation and psychotherapy. Email him at dransphd@aol.com for details.