Should I Stay or Leave this Marriage or "When Is Enough Enough?"

"January 16th, 2009
My husband and I had a good sex life for the first few months of our relationship, and then he started to not want it. It became rarer and rarer. I had to work harder and harder to turn him on (and he didn't want to talk about it at all) and by the time we got married I had to have a real talk to myself that I would never have a normal sex life. We probably had sex about 3-4 times a year but I distinctly remember a 9-month period sex free. And I'm just going to say here for the record that I was a very attractive young woman, and that I had enjoyed sex. This was tough on me, but eventually I got used to it.

Flash forward 9 years. I came home unexpectedly (with our two small kids) and found him in my bed with a prostitute. It turned out this had been going on for years.

We went for counseling and stayed together -- this has been extremely difficult for me, not only because he was continually unfaithful but also because he denied me a normal sex life while he was doing it.

Since then we've had sex a more normal amount -- probably averaging once a week -- but ironically I don't really want it. I won't get into everything that's gone on since then but let's just say it's hard to be intimate with someone you can't trust.

Now, 10 years later I was finally starting to not think about this all the time and believe him when he said how he's changed, but I just found out he's doing it again ... if indeed he ever did stop.

I know all the stories. Men go to prostitutes because their wives are boring. Because their wives won't have sex. Because their wives are unattractive. Let me tell you that none of those things was true with me, and frankly I think it's all excuses and bull shit. Even in my early '40s now I still have younger men trying to pick me up. I was an active, willing and creative participant in sex. I was loving and understanding and everything that a wife could be.

2. They want to have sex with lots of women and prostitutes don't cause problems

3. Because they're totally f...d-up about sex and have some weird Madonna/whore complex. I think my husband stopped wanting to have sex with me because he was starting to love me. Now how f...d-up is that?

I remember, after finding out the first time (by the way, these were call-girl/massage parlour type experiences for him and not street prostitutes -- a fact that also made me angry because here I was at one point trying to feed a family on $40 a week while he was buying sex that he wouldn't have with me), and if we were in the grocery store or walking down the street I would feel like these women would see us together and be laughing at me.

When I told him this he said "they wouldn't be here, why would they be here?" and I said, "What, do you think these, women aren't human? They don't buy groceries? They don't go the movies? They don't have lives?" And I could tell by his reaction that he almost did think that. These women miraculously appeared out of nowhere, had sex with him and then disappeared back into the ether."

When there are problems in a marriage everyone must ask themselves the difficult question of "when is it over and time to divorce?" Different people have different ways to answer this question. Some will delay divorce based on the idea that it is better for the children to stay together until they are grown and out of the house. Others may decide to stay together for religious reasons. Still others may decide that the financial strains created by divorce might be too much to tolerate. For others, fears of abandonment, endless and unrealistic hope for reconciliation and willingness to tolerate lots of abuse, may keep them together in an unhappy marriage.

In my opinion, the wife who wrote the comment is an example of "enough is enough." In fact, it is my opinion that "enough was enough" a long time ago. Why do I say this?

It is not enough that this husband had extramarital sex ten years ago when he had two small children, but he:

1. had extramarital sex with a prostitute, exposing himself and his wife to sexually transmitted diseases,

2. Brought the prostitute to his home and had sex in his and his wife's marital bed.

3. Was found in bed with a prostitute when his wife and small children returned home and at a time when he must have known that risk was real.

5. Continued to commit these despicable acts long after they had gone to marriage counseling and long after he promised to stop.

In every way, this man demonstrated his utter and total contempt for his wife, children and the institution of marriage.

It seems to me that this is a woman who could have and should have ended this marriage long ago.

The past is gone and done with but, from this point onward, she can take the assertive and necessary steps to end this relationship to a man who has repeatedly proven himself to be utterly unworthy as a husband and father.

Readers in the Boulder, Colorado metro area (or Denver area people willing to drive) may contact Dr. Schwartz for face-to-face consultation and psychotherapy. Email him at dransphd@aol.com for details.

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I was married for 20 years and left my husband two years ago. He has called me names repeatedly for years, but I chalked it up to him having a bad day. I found myself walking on eggshells to avoid his temper, he was addicted to porn, would wake up in the middle of the night and leave because he said he felt he didn't get enough attention. Meanwhile, he had all of my attention because I focussed on him all the time to ensure his moods would stay positive. Finally, I got home one night and he was drunk. I was 20 minutes late and he accused me of having an affair, despite the two grocery bags of food I had picked up in that 20 minutes. In front of my children, he pushed me, kicked me and proceeded to choke me to the point of losing my vision. it was like someone else took over his body. He swore that it would never happen again and begged me to stay, but I just couldn't take the chance. And I was tired of reassuring him all the time that he was loved, yet receiving nothing from him. It was crazy. It was like a roller coaster all the time and I needed to get off. But he could be such a kind and caring individual as well, and it is for that reason that I carry around guilt still. How could I leave such a sweet and caring guy. I have put him through hell by leaving. He really didn't cope well and begged me to return. His family did as well. How do I know I did the right thing? or did I do the right thing?

I would love to meet someone like you, move on. Sounds to me like you deserve better, cut your losses.

There is no accounting for taste. Women can rightfully claim righteous indignation as they cast the 2nd stone, the first being the cheating husband. You think divorce solves problems? It certainly creates new ones, just remember that when you walk out on the marriage you will have to say it was your choice. Whether others view it as justified or not, it will be your choice and that decision and its consequences for you rests on your shoulders, while his decisioin to be irresponsible rests on his shoulders. Adultery is certainly a valid reason for divorce, but you could choose to stay married anyway. All men masturbate. Plain and simple. So do the young ones who hit on you. Also remember that mom's raise boys and those boys becomes mates to other women. It's a cycle. Women raise boys, so other women can complain about them when they become husbands. ha ha ha It is good that you write of the destructive power of porno. With the expansion of the internet it is now more prevalent than ever. It is a sin, and the question is how to respond to that sin. If men would realize it's a cancerous cell, they wouldn't do it. Is that true? Pax vobiscum

'Should I Stay or Leave this Marriage or "When Is Enough Enough?"' - anita - Mar 23rd 2009

My husband is a preacher and I have found pornography in our house countless times, yet he refuses to confess that any of it is his. We have been married for seven years, during which time, he has neglected to take care of my sexual needs. Our sexual encounters happen on Sunday morning in the shower, when he pops in, turns me around, does his thing and thats it for another week or so. My self-esteem has gone from great to zero. I have a master's degree, I am tall, thin, and according to the other people, very attractive. All I ever hear is about his past with his ex-wife, how he can have any woman he wants, or how confident he is in himself. Please help.

I found out that my husband visits this book store where he goes in the back room and watches videos and masturbates.That wouldnt really bother me that bad except for the fact he doesnt have sex with me. Its been a year and 3 months since we have had sex and I am totally pissed. I like being married and I really miss having sex. The problem is now is that I am so turned off about the porn and masturbation thing that I cant have sex with him.I really have a lot of resentment towards him and I dont know why he is like this. Im thinking sometimes that maybe he is gay or there is something wrong with me. He said its not me but wont say why he doesnt have sex with me. He used to tell me that he wasnt a real sexual person. Now he doesnt use that excuse anymore after finding out about the book store thing.

I cant understand how a man can go to a place like the bookstore, go in the back room, whip it out and just start doing that!! I just dont get it. Why do men do that and why dont women do that? I find it to be sick and I told him that but then I felt bad but he didnt seem to feel bad...instead he acted mad because I confronted him. I want to ditch him but after 23 years, i just dont know what to do. He said he is not cheating on me but yet I feel it is and maybe he might as well be.

It is baffling that your husband prefers masturbation to intimacy with you, his wife. I understand that your self esteem has been hurt from this but I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness. Your husband has a problem and I urge him to enter psychotherapy and marriage counseling for this. He needs Viagra to have sex with you because he is so drained from all the masturbation. He is addicted to Internet pornography.

I do not ask this next question lightly but I do have to ask why you remain in the marriage? Are you not entitled to a normal and healthy sex life with the man you love? If you cannot have it with him what about leaving the marriage and looking for the right person? Perhaps, if he knew how serious you are about this he would begin to take some steps to get himself help. Anyway, this is something to think about.

I can almost relate to your "enough is enough" my husband would rather masturbate to porn then to have sex with me it seems. Him too would not give it up after 3 years of me telling him I have had enough. Like yourself I'm very attractive and thin and just a all good person/wife. I just don't understand in my case why would you want to masturbate when you have a real live person that's willing to do anything to satisfy you and who is open 24/7 for sex???? When we would have sex he would have to take a viagra and use a cock ring, He would never have to do that with the porn. So my self esteem is zip-zero right now, I filed for divorce 2 weeks ago, cuz I'm too good of a person to be treated like this. So he can marry his porn addiction. We have been to two conselors with no good results. So I'm done. I've had enough!!!

somehow, you were able to hold your end of the vows. For better or for worse...in your case...the worst. I don't know where you found your strength to allow a day to end to start the next knowing the infedility. I was married once, unfaithful to him. It was a decieving habit that made me feel worthless. yet i didn't care. It got to the point were I excused the behavior due to already screwing up the 1st, 2nd,3rd and so forth, I told him I was a cheat because no part of me could leave him. I allowed to be discovered of my dirty doings so that he could leave me and I never live with the shame of leaving him or the guilt of leaving the marriage, when I had it all. The intimacy was not lacking with us, but it was best he stayed away. he like I put you both at risk, and although you have heard this now and before and will continue to...you are worth more. He stopped being your husband before he could even say "i do."

If at all he had stopped at some point or the other, she could have accepted him.

But besides engaging pros he completely ignored his responsibilities as a husband and a father. May be he has taken his wife forgranted and didn't other to think that she too has individuality.