Perspectives - Vol. 4, No. 4 - Sketch of a Theory of Loneliness - Page 3 of 3Brian Davey Updated: Nov 1st 1999Continued from Page 2 One's only chance for sexual relationships, as I have found, is if one can convince potential lovers that the medical model is simply wrong and give them one's own, more credible account for one's past. Psychiatry as a system of ideas must be utterly smashed to clear the way forward for the emotional victims of our society to enter into ordinary relationships with everyone else. With the medical model as the prevailing ideology they stand no chance of starting again. Doctors cannot cure what are called mental health problems because their illness interpretation of the confusions which are created by severe distress compounds the problem. (For a different model of mental health problems which explains their seemingly bizarre features see my paper Madness and Its Causative Contexts in Changes, An International Journal of Psychology and Psychotherapy, June 1994. This article was unfortunately written several years ago and does not contain some of the elements to be found here). The Dynamics of Loneliness - the Hope/Despair Cycle I have suggested already that the emotion corresponding to loneliness is despair. But this is too simple. The world is not divided into two rigidly demarcated categories - the relationship rich and the relationship poor. Rather there is a spectrum, a gradient from relationship rich to relationship poor. The relationship rich find it easier to form relationships, the relationship poor more difficult. This means that the chances of the relationship poor finding satisfying emotional relationships are that much the less. But I am writing about chances here, about statistical probabilities, not about absolute certainties. Where there is statistical probability there is possibility. Where there is possibility there is hope. Hope is defined as the combination of expectation and desire in my dictionary. Two kinds of hope - high probability hope and low probability To the the extent that probabilities are low to that extent hope is likely to be an illusion. To the extent that hope is an illusion it is likely to be disappointed. To the extent that disappointment occurs despair is likely to follow. Expressions of despair make one less attractive in the long term The psychological dynamics of loneliness may therefore look like this: 1. Where a person's economic, social, environmental and personal skills are such as to give them a good probability of forming a relationship loneliness will be understood by them as a mere temporary thing. They will hope that they will find new relationships and that hope will be based on a reasonable certainty. Their hope will thus not be illusory - it will not be a fantasy at least in the sense that people will always find hangers-on and bed partners. Loneliness does not take the more severe and very much more destructive form of isolation. Very often what makes relationships relatively easy are things like money, power, status, fame etc. The kind of relationships thus formed may be very shallow as people do not come together out of any sense of deep experience, nor out of solidarity or mutual aid. There is, indeed, the likelihood that relationships will be based on using people (the usual way of gaining money and power). These relationships may thus be short lived. Their shallowness means that others are discarded like toys - this is the typical immaturity of the rich and powerful (David Smail deals with this in his books, for example, Taking Care, where he remarks one is unlikely to find a maturity among the heirs to fortunes and the powerful. The shallowness of these kinds of relationships means that loneliness is probably chronic within relationships and leads to a repeated pattern of throwing them away - as well as years attending the sort of psychobabble therapies generated in California - therapies that never touch on the crucial questions of wealth and power in emotional life. 2. For those who are relationship poor the situation is likely to be different. One possible dynamic is one where a person will make efforts to form relationships and then be rejected. The rejection will represent a painful disappointment. If this painful disappointment makes them miserable they will be unable to try again until a new source of hope arrives. If this hope is illusory again they may lapse into chronic hopelessness, which is . however, based on a realistic assessment of their situation. However, just their hopeless and despairing behaviour, in our society, marks them out as unattractive. No one comforts miserable people in our society. And no one chats them up either. The apparent escape is hope based on illusion - but this is fantasy, thought disorder, itself a psychiatric sympton. Befriending schemes in this context are acts of pity and charity - because the chances of reciprocity, of getting something back are limited. Indeed many of the traditional approaches to befriending do not work for reasons touched on earlier. On the surface it seems that people who go to drop ins have unsatisfactory relationships with one another because of their inadequate relationship skills - but that is because all drop ins do is provide a place for people to be together. Relationships really get going when people do things together - whether that is building bridges or making babies. As David Smail argues in Taking Care, many relationships never take off or simply fail because they have no function, there is nothing that they are actually for. Real relationships are happening only in so far as people are doing things together - in a co-operative and mutually assisting way if the relationship is positive - not because they are just together. In that sense mere sex, or even after a while bringing up children, is just not enough to hold people together. In this sense loneliness is part and parcel of another problem - outside of work, shopping and leisure pursuits based on spending money, our society neither promotes nor encourages any other forms of common activity. The end of loneliness and Holistic Development Since the causes of loneliness are to be found in everything else - in economics, social structure, environment and psychological relations - the solution to the social and personal problems of loneliness must be found in those initiatives that seek to change our economic structure, social relations and environment. The solutions need to be situated also in a different culture of emotional relations - including sexual relations. There are urgent other reasons, like the ecological crisis, for changes in our ways of living together and a strategy for loneliness must fit into our arrangements for these. I hope that we can conclude that relationships are most likely to be formed most positively if they emerge in the activities of building projects and public activity for community, environmental and social goals that are positive. This is not an argument for earnest involvement in worthy community work - it is rather to argue that we must combine the solutions to the economic, social, environmental problems at the same time as removing psychological blocks on loneliness. In this respect there is an urgent need to redefine issues that are to do with the quality of life. People who have studied the planets economic and ecological problems have concluded that the high consumption life style is not sustainable. We need new ideas as to what makes life worth living and the questions asked here are part of that new way of looking at society that will provide the asnwers. We must find the means through projects and initiatives in the restructuring of our living spaces for social and environmental goals that challenge narrow minded money rationality. Not that we must see finding our friends and lovers through earnest activity - rather we must turn earnest activity, as Ivan Illich has put it, into occasions for conviviality, for festivals and pleasurable celebrations which break down the barriers between work and leisure between colleagues and friends and which seek to draw in excluded people into positive and healing social processes that follow...  Appendix 1. Brian Davey
1st Draft - April 1994
University of the North Pole
B.Sc. General Life Skills. Part 1.
Love Affairs Answer all questions
Time Allowed: One Lifetime Q. 1. Before going to bed with someone why is it sensible to spend time getting to know them? Q.2. Answer (a) and (b) (a) " Getting to know someone involves seeing if their life plans and daily interests are reasonably compatible with yours". Why is is this important in the early stages of any relationship? (b) " Sexual foreplay is not only to arouse someone before intercourse but gives opportunities to get to know someone physically before you make a deeper commitment. If a person's foreplay is boring or non- existence they will be boring in bed". Comment on this idea with suggestions for some hot foreplay. Q.3. Answer A, B or C. A. "I knew hardly anything about my husband until we were married. When I look back I have to admit it never occurred to me to ask and I didn't know what to ask. I chose him because all my friends fancied him." Give examples how social networks can influence the formation and development of relationships. B. "All my friends felt really uneasy about this guy and couldn't make him out at all. I picked up on this and left him alone." Give examples of how social networks can prevent relationships. C. "I got really angry with my friends and so ended up with the man they all disliked. Later I wondered if I was repeating a pattern whereby I had gone out with the boy my mum didn't want me with. He was OK but he turned out not to be for me. " Give examples of how rivalries play a part in relationship formation. Q. 4.. "I thought love was to be found by making myself a desirable acquisition in the relationship market and was looking for the acquisition of a desirable partner for myself. Then I had a breakdown which ruined my reputation and broke my self confidence. It took me years to realise Love was something you gave".
Discuss. Q. 5. "I was reeling from one relationship to another because I couldn't live without a relationship. I couldn't be on my own. So I never took the time to find the one I really wanted."
Elaborate and explain how inadequate parenting can perpetuate dependency needs. Q. 6. Answer (A) or (B) A. "Taking your time to find the relationship that you want may mean rejecting people's advances and that is a special problem if the people rejected have self esteem problems . There is nothing that can be done about this". Comment. B. "Rejection or acceptance is a process rather than an act or an event. One makes clear how close you want another person to be by how many times you look at them, how close you are to them, the expression on your face etc. This means that relationship paupers whose isolation makes them look miserable get caught in a vicious circle" Elaborate and explain. Q. 7. Consider the following 2 statements "In order not to be nasty I tried to be nice about keeping him at a distance and he probably misinterpreted this as indecision on my part as whether I wanted him or not. Then he came on even stronger. It all ended up very nastily." and " My indecision about whether to approach her or not was fueled by my fear of rejection so I approached her very halfheartedly. She was nice and I made the mistake of assuming that she had rejected me because I was so half hearted. My own indecision had made me mistakenly see her rejection also as indecision. I tried again and was horrified when she was really nasty".
Should heterosexual men, post feminism, wait for unambiguous come ons? What would be the consequences for women? Q 8. Comment on the idea that many people are lonely not because of poor interpersonal skills but because there are no settings in their environment where they can regularly meet people informally and get to know them and/or they are too poor to get out and be an attractive catch. Q. 9. In therapy he commented " I suddenly realised my mother's attitude was 'Don't you dare bring your problems and confusions home to me, you are supposed to be a credit to the family'. My elder sister bullied me and my father beat me when I showed pride at my first awareness of myself as a sexual being. It is no suprise I could not relate to the opposite sex".
Comment on the psychological development of ' loners'. Q. 10 The American psychiatrist H.S.Sullivan described love as a situation of collaboration in which two people "play according to the rules of the game to preserve our prestige and feeling of superiority and merit" This is described by Erich Fromm in the Art of Loving as a definition which reflects the experience of the twentieth century marketing personality.
It is really a reflection of underlying social pathology arising in inequality and competition. What is your view? Q. 11. No one is loved if they undermine other people's self esteem. People are frightened of and do not trust clever bastards because they can make you feel small".
Explain why being too clever will not help you find love. Q.12. "Falling in love is like any kind of falling. You are out of control and can get hurt" (a) Give examples how another person can churn you up so much that your only choice seems to be to have a relationship with them to try bring your life back under control. (b) Give examples to show how your vulnerability might then mean you get manipulated. (c) Why is obsessively trying to work out what makes a mysterious stranger tick not the same as love. Q. 13. "I thought I was in love because I could not get someone out of my mind because I did not understand them. This was very distracting from all the other things I had to do. It turned out to be a waste of my time because under the charming mysterious exterior was confusion and a desire to be mothered."
Explain why infatuations are often disappointing. Q. 14. Read the following passage and answer the question that follows it. " I thought I would hang around until I suddenly saw myself as a fly in someones web. There were several other flies in the web and our function seemed to keep someone's ego pumped up. The more I struggled to be free the more wound up I became and the more trapped I felt. So then I thought. No, that's too paranoid. We are all here as an option collection, maybe to take up later, because this other person didn't really know what she doing. So then I felt: this is stupid, I'm just wasting my time and I bet if I walk away she'll come running after. She did too. So I concluded she wanted to stop me escaping. I told her it was sick to fancy someone who was walking away from them. I told her to see a therapist and that I'd see her in ten years for a drink maybe". Give examples from your own life of the many different ways in which situations can be misinterpreted. Q. 15. Since feelings generated in one relationship often occur with a time lag while you are with someone else, and since feelings cannot easily be switched off, if at all, why is is not a good idea to have triangular relationships?
Why is it not a good idea to have a new relationships immediately after another one has come to an end? Q 16. "Although I ended my relationship with John and started with Jack after a few weeks I found I was grieving for the things I had lost with John."
Comment. Q. 17. Why is pressuring someone to have a relationship futile? How might pressure occur? Q. 18 "Love is not blind it is practical. If a love affair would create chaos in life practicalities it would create frustration, exhaustion and therefore emotional chaos too. Intimacy is only sustainable in an energy efficient (close proximity, low resistant, practical) relationship".
Comment. Q. 19. "Love is letting another person be, but with affection and concern." R.D. Laing.
Comment. Q.20. "Love relationships are usually embodied in joint domestic and sometimes joint employment relationships. If someone risks a triangular affair with someone else in these circumstances they may be undermining the foundations of their daily life. This is not at all wise."
Discuss Q21. "If they can have triangular relationships in Nepal, where several men can be partnered with a single woman, it can work in this country to".
Comment on the idea that the only real problem with triangles and polyamorous relationships are your tutting tutting friends and what mother would say. Q22. "Sharing your partner with someone else is ideal where you and the person want more space and freetime while your partner wants more intense emotional relating".
Discuss. Q. 23 Why should one never stay in a relationship only because you are afraid of hurting another person? Q. 24. "We all need to depend on others sometimes but this is not the same as staying in a relationship to prop someone up - emotionally healthy grown ups do not need continued parenting or props to their self esteem".
Comment. Q. 25."Honest disinterest or even dislike is better than pretend affection because you know where you stand and can orientate yourself . That way you remain free."
Comment. Q. 26.. "There is no guarantee that you will be happy and no fail safe way of finding sexual love. You can only avoid ways of relating which are futile".
Do you agree or disagree? Give your reasons and relate them to whether mum and dad gave you sweeties when you were "good" (=did what they wanted). Could this list of questions be added to for ever. Q.27. "The threat of suicide in a relationship is the ultimate power move and act of revenge. It should be countered by telling the person they will be remembered with contempt rather than with feelings of guilt".
Is this recommendation from psychotherapy equally applicable in a "love affair" that turned out to be an emotional prison? Q.28. "A Theory of Love will never help you predict the actions of strangers to whom you feel attracted, only perhaps allow you to orientate yourself to what is happening when it happens. The chief feature of strangers is their unpredictability whereas one feature of love is knowing where you stand with someone."
Elaborate. Q. 29.. Explain how shopping thinking increasingly dominates relationships discussing: (a) Ocassions centred around gifts; (b) lovers perceived as objects to be acquired.
Comment on how you would like your lover packaged on a beach and after the January sales. What does it say about your relationship? Q 30. "If you do not have a car then your chances of finding a relationship are reduced. If you do manage to get a relationship your chances of sustaining it are also likely to be reduced."
Discuss this statement in its status and convenience dimensions. Q. 31. How might it help a love relationship if each partner has a room of their own? Q. 32 "Nothing you do that pleases your lover is wrong if it does not risk your physical health, but some things can keep you stuck in old emotional hurts and ways of relating".
Say if you agree or disagree and give your reasoning. Q.33. "Love in the modern world is not only physical attraction and emotional compatibility it is matching empty spaces in diaries and enough geographical proximity. Without these rows about who is being selfish, and who is putting up with the most inconvenience in order to meet are inevitable and will strain or destroy the relationship".
Discuss. Q. 34 ."If freedom be an icy wind, then let it fucking blow. It is better to be alone than in a relationship for the sake of it."
Comment and award yourself a box of organic chocolates made from cocoa grown without using pesticides and bought in a fair trade relationship. Reference:
Davey, Brian (1999). Sketch of a theory of lonliness [Online]. Perspectives. [1999, November 1]. | 
