Resources  email page print page Basic Information Introduction to DivorceThe formal divorce processDivorce: Property DivisionDivorce: CustodyDivorce: Child Support and AlimonyEmotional Coping and DivorceDivorce: Legal and Procedural CopingHelping children to cope with divorceRecovering Your Life After a Divorce More Information Divorce and Family Geometry, A Case StudySome Additional Comments about Teenagers, Divorce and Family Boundaries Questions and Answers Can My Marriage be Saved?My Boyfriend and His Adult DaughterWhat Should I Do?What To Do?Desperately Mother - GloriaWhat To Do With a Dysfunctional Past Understanding my son17 year old running the houseDepressedhow to leave?Should I leave my husband?divorceHow to move on with everything against you?He's selfish, disrespectful and irresponsible'Extremely controling' wife and passive husbandObsessed with the woman who is about to marry my exFinding It Very Difficult To ForgiveWife of 21 Years Has a BoyfriendHaving trouble letting go of ex-sister-in-lawI suspect that my husband is cheatingSpousal Abuse and Borderline Personality DisorderAm I Just Deluding Myself?Should I Just Be Alone For Now?Missing the ChildrenHusband Wants A DivorceShould I Get Back Together With My Wife?Dealing with DivorceRelationship Triangulation Blog Entries Some Additional Comments about Teenagers, Divorce and Family BoundariesDivorce and Family Geometry, A Case StudyGrowing Through DivorceDivorce: Five Mistakes Made by Divorced Parents. Should I Stay or Leave this Marriage or "When Is Enough Enough?"Marriage Today, the LatestThe Politics of Divorce: When Children Become PawnsAn Interview with Marsha Temlock, MA on Adult Child DivorceAttending pre-marital counseling classes really does pay off Links [2] Articles[1] Government[10] Information[2] Other Sites[1] Services Book Reviews Amelia RulesBetween Two WorldsBreaking ApartDivorce PoisonThe Spider and the BeeThe Visitation HandbookUnderstanding MarriageWhat about the Kids

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Divorce is generally a stressful and unsettling event. At minimum, a major relationship is ending, all sorts of routines are upset, and in the midst of the stress of transition there are legal hoops to jump through before things can be resolved. Add in the volatile emotions that are frequently associated with divorce and you have a difficult situation indeed. In this section, we will talk about practical ways that divorcing people can cope with and make the best of their stressful circumstances.

There are really two sides to the divorce process; the human emotional side and the formal legal side. Different coping strategies and skills are appropriate to address each of these aspects of divorce.

Emotional Coping

Divorce can trigger all sorts of unsettling, uncomfortable and frightening feelings, thoughts and emotions, including grief, loneliness, depression, despair, guilt, frustration, anxiety, anger, and devastation, to name a few. There is frequently sadness and grief at the thought of the end of a significant relationship. There can be fear at the prospect of being single again, possibly for a long time (or even forever), and with having to cope with changed financial, living and social circumstances. There can be anger at a partner's stubborn obstinacy and pettiness, abuse, or outright betrayal. There can be guilt over perceived failures to have made the relationship work. There can be overwhelming depression at the thought of the seeming impossibility of being able to cope with all the changes that are required. Any and all of these emotions are enough to make people miserable, and to find them wanting to cry at 3am in the morning.

Painful as they are, these sorts of emotions are generally natural grief-related reactions to a very difficult life-altering situation. Though there is no 'cure' for these feelings, there are some good and healthy ways to cope with them so as to suffer as little as possible, and to gain in wisdom, compassion and strength from having gone through the experience. The emotional coping process starts with allowing one's self the freedom to grieve and ends with moving on with one's life.

• Allow grieving to occur. Grief is a natural human reaction to loss. Grief is not a simple emotion itself, but rather is an instinctual emotional process that can invoke all sorts of emotional reactions as it runs its course. The grief process tends to unfold in predictable patterns. Most commonly, people move back and forth between a shocked, numb state characterized by denial, depression, and/or minimization of the importance of the loss, and outraged anger, fear, and vulnerability. The dialog between numb and upset continues over time as the person emotionally digests the nature of the loss. Ultimately, enough time passes that the loss comes to be thought of as something that happened in the past, and that is not a part of day-to-day life. Grief doesn't so much go away as it becomes irrelevant after a while.

  Fighting grief is often counterproductive. Most of the time it is best to allow yourself to grieve in the ways that come naturally to you, at least part of the time. Eventually life comes back to 'normal' and the intensity of loss retreats. Different people take different amounts of time to go through their grief process and express their grief with different intensities of emotion. The amount of time people spend grieving depends on their personalities, and on the nature of their losses. Someone whose marriage was betrayed might take a longer time to work out their grief and to do it in a more vocal way than someone who chose to leave a marriage of their own accord. Someone who found out suddenly about their spouses' affair might grieve differently than someone who has watched their marriage deteriorate for years.

  It is not realistic that grief over a lost marriage should be worked out in a month or even several months. Most people will continue to deal with the emotional ramifications of loss for many months, sometimes even several years. Several years is a long time, however; really too long to spend exclusively grieving when life is so short. People who find that grief has not for the most part abated after 12 months have gone by are strongly urged to seek the assistance of a professional therapist.

• Choosing to move forward. While grief can be immobilizing at first, after a while, most grieving people find that, little by little, they are ready to move on with their lives. For a time, they may find themselves moving on and grieving at the same time. Over time however, if everything goes well, the grieving process loses steam and more energy becomes available for moving on with life. Discussion of the moving forward process is handled in a later section of this document.

Methods for coping with emotion

As a practical matter, there are a number of things that people can do to help themselves cope while grieving the loss of a marriage.

• Prioritize. Unfortunately, life doesn't stop just because one is hurting. Despite grief, there will be chores that need doing and bills that need paying. There may also be any number of extraordinary tasks that must be accomplished during the transition from married to single person (such as finding an apartment, turning on utilities, changing addresses, etc.) which add to the general stress. Creating a list of such necessary chores can help to reduce their stressful impact on one's life. All chores should be placed on the list in the order of their importance. Starting with the most essential, each chore is then worked through and crossed off the list as it is completed. The simple act of prioritizing and checking off list items helps make sure that all necessary chores get accomplished, and further helps to generate a feeling of control over what might otherwise be experienced as unmanageable demands.


• Put things away. As soon as it is practical to do so, start living as a single person again. Put old photographs and mementos away where you don't have to look at them all the time. Start paying your own bills and handling those aspects of life that your ex-spouse used to do for you. Limit your contact with your ex-spouse. In general, do what you can to confidently look forward towards the future, rather than backwards at your divorce.


• Talk about it. Many grieving people find that their suffering is somewhat lessened when they are able to share their hurt feelings with a sympathetic audience. For this reason, it is often helpful for grieving people to tell trusted family and friends that they are getting divorced, and to request assistance from these trusted people as they are able to offer it. Finding someone who can and will listen and allow one to vent their hurt emotions and fears and offer comforting advice often proves very helpful. Not everyone is a good listener, however, and those who are will have lives of their own and may get fatigued over time, especially if one's grief process is not brought under control. Some friendships might also prove too fragile to survive one's divorce and will be lost in spite of best efforts. It is best to use judgment when deciding with whom to share, how much to share, and how often to share so as not to overly fatigue one's supports.
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  If existing supports prove inadequate, other support opportunities can be created by attending support groups or by working with a professional therapist.

  Support groups are self-help meetings attended by people going through the same sorts of circumstances. Generally sponsored by community centers and religious institutions, divorce support groups provide a face-to-face forum where people in different stages of adjustment to their divorce come together to educate and support one another.

  Online divorce support groups are also available 24 hours a day on the Internet, offering a less personal, but more accessible support format. One caveat with regard to online support forums is that they can be plagued by 'trolls' - people who are there to insult and ridicule legitimate members. Keep your thickest skin and sense of humor handy when using online supports.

  Psychotherapy and counseling can also be excellent options for obtaining divorce support. A qualified therapist is a trained and empathic listener with an expert understanding of how divorce affects and changes lives. He or she will be able to provide a safe place where the divorcing person can vent their emotions and talk about their fears, especially those feelings that are too private and intense to talk about elsewhere. He or she will also be able to provide expert guidance on managing stress, grief, and self-defeating thoughts, remaining an effective parent to your children, and rebuilding an effective life in the aftermath of divorce. The 'chemistry' between therapist and client is important. It is often a good idea to interview one or more therapists prior to committing to work with any particular one so as to find one who feels safe and best appears to offer appropriate guidance.

• Support yourself. In addition to seeking support and guidance from others, there are also good ways you can help yourself to cope.

  Maintaining (or starting) healthy routines is a primary means of self-support that frequently gets overlooked. Divorce is a stressful time of change, and many of the good habits one has formed to help maintain health can be lost in the shuffle. At a personal level, making time to exercise regularly, get enough sleep, and eat regular healthy meals can help to preserve health and reduce the effects of stress. Keeping select important pre-divorce family routines intact (such as eating together as a family, or attending religious services) is also advisable as this continuity can be a comfort to all.

  Keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings as you go through your adjustment to being divorced can provide many benefits. Most pressingly, journaling allows a further outlet for emotional upset. Describing pain and the difficult situations being coped with in writing helps one to gain a better grip and perspective on those emotions and situations, both in each immediate situation described (it feels good to purge pent up feelings), and also across time as growth and movement become apparent. Journaling is cheap, requiring only a notebook and a pen, and can be done at any time of day or night, making it an ideal self-help strategy.

  Distraction. Sometimes it's not enough to write or talk about how one is feeling. In such situations, being ready and able to distract one's self can be helpful. Watching a television show or movie, reading a book, surfing the net, exercising, cleaning the house, organizing files, and other attention-demanding tasks and chores can get one's mind away from painful feelings that otherwise might drag out into depression. It is helpful to prepare in advance a list of what needs doing, and to get copies of compelling books and other media handy so that when distraction is needed, it will be easy to pick something healthy or worth doing with which to distract one's self. Although television is always available, it is not necessarily the healthiest or more edifying choice.

  Self-soothing. Divorced people are often wounded people, and wounded people need to be gentle and compassionate with themselves while they heal. Treating yourself to a few comforting and healing experiences you might not otherwise allow yourself can be in order. Massage, relaxation routines, a long bath or hot shower, or a plate of one's favorite food can help produce relaxation, calmness and a sense of being cared for, all of which can be balm for a bruised soul. Religious, yoga and meditation retreats, vacations, and similar excursions can have a similar effect. So long as finances allow and healthy routines do not get bent too much, such comforts and small extravagances can help smooth the healing process.

• Explore dormant interests. In divorce, one door slams shut, and people tend to spend a lot of time adjusting to that closure. What they come to see after a while, however, is that when one door closes, others open. Divorce is thus a beginning as well as an ending, and a perfect opportunity to explore new interests. Finding one or more causes, clubs, fields, hobbies or projects one is interested in (and wants to work in/on) is beneficial in a number of ways. New interests capture attention and bring it into the present, away from a focus on the past. In so doing, they help people to start thinking of themselves as explorers and decision-makers and not simply as victims of circumstances outside their control. Exploring interests can make you happy and also help you to make new friends.


• Avoid dangerous and self-defeating coping behavior. Divorcing people are often wounded people, and wounded people sometimes hurt so much that it clouds their judgment. When one is hurting, one can be tempted to do most anything that promises to remove the pain. The problem is that some solutions for removing pain work well in the short term, but can be dangerous in the medium and long terms. Failure to use judgment in deciding how one will cope with emotional hurt can result in negative, sometimes severely negative, outcomes:
  • Avoid using drugs or alcohol or gambling or promiscuous sexuality as a means of coping with pain or loneliness
  • Avoid diving into a new intimate relationship just because you're lonely
  • Avoid acting on angry impulses you might have towards your ex-spouse
  • Avoid stalking your ex-spouse
  • Avoid cultivating revenge fantasies involving your ex-spouse. Your successful life post-divorce will be your best revenge
  • Avoid making large decisions for a while after your divorce (divorce arrangements notwithstanding).

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Thank you!

my story - - Feb 8th 2010

I have been reading some of the posts and decided to share a bit of my story. I say a bit because it's so much I don't know where to start.

I was married for 16 years and have been separated for two. I loved my husband and father of my two girls like I had never had love anyone else. From the begining of our marriage he started being verbally and mentally abusive. I had always dismissed it hoping that he would one day change. He never did, we had a great 7 years where things got better and I couldn't be any happier then he started drinking heavily again and things went down hill. I still remember the day my soul left me. December 6, 2006. We had went to a concert and things just turned out wrong for no reason and he humiliated me infront of my family like never before. That day I died inside and I started withdrawing from him in every sense of the word. I tried to keep it together for my children but couldn't. Needless to say I soon found out he was having an affair with a married woman who was been known to be the towns slut. He spoke of her like he never spoke of me. He knew of her life and he would make excuses for her. It was enough for me. I decided to leave him, he wouldn't accept my decision and would stalk me. I joined the National Guard to get away from him, and he moved out. But when I returned even though he was still seeing this woman he kept showing up at the house without calling. I started having to leave the house on the weekends because he would show up in the middle of the night and would want to stay there. Finally one day I was away with some friends and on my way home he called and said if I wasn't home in 30minutes he would burn all my clothes. I didn't believe he would do it, my two girls were at home and I called my daughter and she told me her father was burning all of my stuff and that she saved what she could. I could not believe that! Needless to say I did not returned home that day afraid of what he might do. I got a protective order against him and he went crazy trying to tell everyone I was at fault for everything that had happened. Even though we were fighting each other more than ever he continued to try to get me back and move in. Part of me still wanted our marriage to work and part of me was dead. I made the mistake one night of having my male friend over, my ex came by the house that night with some friends and broke into the house when he saw my friends car out there. I tried to keep him from coming into the house but he was drunk and druged up he went after my friend and when he couldn't get to him the coward turned on me. He broke my jaw and was on top of me hitting me on the head had it not been for my daughter he would have killed me that day. He left me there on the floor and had the audocity to call my mother and tell her what he did. He told her to check up on me because I was such an overactor. Long story short he went to jail for two weeks and the day he left jail he introduced his family to his new girlfriend not the woman he had an affair with but some other girl that was 17 years younger than him. He was mandated to go to anger management and AA he is going to church and has become to other people what he should have been to us a good man. He now dates a woman who has three kids and treats them better than he does his own children whom he doesn't see because he doesn't have time for them.

Financially it has been hard I had to take a second job and that keeps me from spending time with my girls. I still have so much anger toward him and what he has done to our family. I have many good friends and I know they mean well when they tell me I need to let go of my anger but I just can't. I feel very cheated. He should have been a good person for us not these people who he doesn't share history with. Everyone tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent yet I keep running away from any posibility of a love life. I'm scared to make the same mistakes and I don't want to feel this pain again.

It's not easy, everyday is a challenge but I'm still here.

Tammi-In Limbo - heartrippedout - Feb 8th 2010

Tammy I so feel your pain, i was the same way in my marriage with my husband I obsessed.   I was constantly looking at his emails, phone bill just to get any sort of shred of evidence that my gut was telling me all along.  Why did I need to know the truth so bad, my gut was telling me, why didn't I listen? 

I constantly thought my husband was having an affair or wanting to, I eventually pushed him away in doing this and was so insecure with myself.  He left me in Jan 2010 and my heart is ripped out and so shredded into pieces.  I have never felt this kind of hurt in my life.  I have thought of suicide, can't really eat, sleep is hard and i have 3 children to look out for, i get so muddled through my thoughts, i find myself just out of it and temporarily out of order.  I have a new friend in my life and he is helping me get through this difficult time, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't there to help me.

When me and my husband would separate which was more than about 5 times in the 1 1/2 years we were married, i would be devastated and call him and beg him to come back, this time i didn't and i ended up meeting the guy I am talking to now.  My heart is not ready for anything, and this is so far from anything I would ever even contemplate, but he is so understanding that i feel he was sent from heaven, he really is my lifeline.  He is available for me all the time every time i call or text or im he is there.  So, i feel lucky to have that but i am still in agony, but I know my husband and I probably should have never gotten married from the beginning, and I never wanted to but, i believed that he really loved me.

I am just babbling, i cant' keep my thougths in order so i am just going to say time heals us all it takes one hour a day, one day at a time, to really move on with your new life. 

Five years, almost six...gone - FreeJack - Jan 8th 2010

My wife and I got married after dating less than a year. It was love, for both of us...and looking back now, I realize that I ignored a lot of warning signs that we weren't compatable in enough ways to make a marriage work. As the years went on, more and more things just weighed down on the marriage. Mistakes were made by both of us in how we treated each other...but in the end, while I wanted to improve, she saw no need for improvement in herself. The problems were all mine to solve, as far as she was concerned...and she had obviously grown tired of trying to make me into what she wanted.

The process of her emotional and physical withdrawl started last summer, which was painful. I threw myself into relationship books and websites, trying to improve in my treatment of her and mend fences - but of course, her mind had been made up and the fact that she wouldn't do any soul-searching of her own, since she was already perfect to begin with, meant there could never be any healing done between us.  We've effectively been separated now for four months or so and in that time, I've come to realize and accept my shortcomings and faults in this marriage. I know what I can do better. I also know that I would have spent another five years suffering, trying to make something work that really, just couldn't have. We wanted different things. We were just too different and we had different expectations.

That didn't stop this from being incredibly hard, emotionally. I cried more and harder than I ever have, in my life. I relied on her, even if things were not always good. She was my wife, my family...I saw my future with her. To have that disappear and to know my fault in it was devastating. The realization that she felt no responsibility for it hurt even more. I had become accustomed to taking blame in our marriage...nothing was ever her fault, therefore it had to be mine. It took my friends and family telling me that it WASN'T all my fault for me to snap out of it and start really thinking about the past five years or so.

In the end, I have come out on the other side of that profound grief with a greater sense of who I am and what I need in a relationship...and a much better preparedness for how to offer more and be better, next time. I have learned my lessons well. Much like the article states, I have spent the last six months focused on self-improvement and reflection...and I plan to take the next year to really work on myself physically and emotionally.

We'll be seeing the mediator soon, to work out the details. It will end amicably, with no malice on either side and in that, I feel grateful. I still love her, even if it isn't in that romantic, butterflies in the stomach way anymore...and even with all the problems we had. I feel sadness and regret, but also realize that the future may yet be bright for me. I have a friend who's been divorced twice, yet when I met she and her new fiancee over the holidays, they were happy as could be and seemed to be just right for each other. Divorce is not the end of the world and I will survive it, fully intact.

I miss the good times with my wife and the connection we once had, but time heals all wounds and we'll both be okay. I pray for the best for her and for myself as we go through this last legal process together, before going our separate ways. I will miss her, but I know she'll still probably always be part of my life.

My failed third third marriage after 25 years - Larry - Jan 3rd 2010

On September 15th I made the decision to leave my wife

of 25 years.  She is 9 years younger than myself and a

beautiful women.  The problem was that she is co-dependant and was progressively getting worse with

controling everything I did.  She was judgemental, resentful and was very angry at me much of the last

10 years.  The resentments of the past kept building

to where she would fully resent me for 2 or 3 months at a time.  I just could not take it any more and will be divorced on February 5, 2010. 

This is a very painful process.  This is my third divorce and all three women ended up being very angry and I am

the easiest guy to get along with.  My kids and grandchildren all love and respect me, but, my 3 wives

do not..  I am now 61 and have decided to stay single

for the rest of my life and keep my life simple.

The artilces that have been written have been very helpful and I can relate to many of the real life stories.

The following is my advice to you if you are going thru

this terrible time. 

A. Keep busy and try and get something accomplished each day.

B.  Realize that you are a valuable human being and God

     loves you and will take carae of you.

C. If you are in process of divorce try and be respectful

    to her or him.  Keep conversation and e-mails short

    and to the point.

D. Once you have made up your mind stay strong to your decision and do not get weak.

E. Do something special for yourself because you are

    special and deserve the best.

F. I have already forgiven my wife in 2.5 months and have wished he happiness in the next chapter of her life.

G. I pray for her and have asked God to forgive me for

    leaving her.  God is all knowing.

H. Also understand that you will lose some friends.  I had

    some friends from chruch and they have never contacted me even after writing to them and sending them a Christmas Card.  I think some people do not

know what to say.  It could be that there marriage could

be close to a divorce.

I. Talk with your close family members for emotional support.

J. With me, my wife did not like my family.  I have reconnected with my family and its been so good to

open up to them and start to communicate with them.  I lost my wife but I gained my brother and sister.

This being my third wife that I have married and divorced

that the pain will go away and you will start a new life.  It

will all work out in the end and you will be a better person for it.

Hi Alyssa - - Dec 19th 2009

I just want to tell you that you were innocent and trusted your husband,but it happens. Your heart was pure, be glad about that and be proud of your self. Its not possible for everyone to be honest and pure.

You can forget him. You will meet new people and may be some one very good. It will take few days to clear all the mess. Just think how beautiful your life can become if you move on. You can and you will.

Past is past, still the future has good things in store. Move on as fast as possible. He did not deserve you.

Some times we will become so selfless that we forget ourselves. Every one needs to take care of themselves.

You can make new friends become closer to your family.

Just stop wasting your precious time thinking about him.

devastated and disappointed - alyssa - Dec 17th 2009

I just don't know how things got so twisted and sad. But there was always emotional, mental and physical abuse. I had believed it was my duty to endure and just accepted it as a way of life. We were together 16 years and married 11 of them this week. There was a major affair, him, right when we were married and I was hospitalized and lost our baby. I was broken, and I beared the pain, because when I confronted him I got a beating, I blamed myself, I was naive, what did I do to make him cheat...The lies continued for a while and then the truth became blurred. He withheld sex and blamed me for it. So I carried that burden as well. He moved us alot was careless with everything, nothing ever meant anything to him, a few of his things, but nothing was ever sentimental. As the years went of the abuse grew, the walls became thicker, on both sides. The pain took me over. I'd always find things, whenever I confronted him, I got a beating emotionally and physically, I carried so much pain, his and mine, I was hurting my self with food, self abuse physical and mental, I could only say I want to die- because the pain was so overwhelming. In between there would be moments, but ever since we met, he was so selfish, and I could tell you just by looking today he doesn't love me. But when he did, he totally did, but then he'd add his ultimatums or insults. He would tell me I was crazy and I make things up and I don't know what I'm talking about, slowly stripping away at who I was.....Now I'm smart, but not when it came to him...Then the I don't love you started, and I'm leaving you, usually on or around my birthday, every year. there was always something I'd find, just so many secrets.  But he'd was crafty, always convincing me I was crazy or beating me where I felt like the guilty one. He'd say I played games or nothing is good enough. I did so much for him, kept his house clean made his meals took care of every need, every want. But I didn't get responses, he was so checked out. I'd call it, and that would never go over well, Why I was under his spell I have no idea. We were isolated, he moved me away from my friends (which he had issues with everyone) he moved me away from my family, then I isolated myself, the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment. I became a recluse, he kept bringing home dogs for me to care for. I became overwhelmed, trapped and was now recognizing how scared I was.  I became sick and he didn't care for me, I had alot of time to think. Only it took me a while for the thougts to materialize. I worked, so hard, for him, and did nothing for myself. I sacrificed, went without and put myself last in everyway. He started traveling, and I was relived when he left, alone but relived. Then his behavior became peculiar, and when someone is around 60 days a year you notice....I began to look at myself in the mirror, I recognized that I was sad, unhappy, and made so many mistakes.....But I hung on trying to get him to love me, shameless now.....But when he was around I began to wither away more...Then the divorce thing came, in a text, yes a 43 year old texted me it was over while he was on a business trip. It was odd and strange and once again the pain and devastation settled in, then the crazy emotions....Then he came home. I sat down to talk mentioned the divorce and he dismissed it, but never acknowledged it. Ahhhh more games... This time I wasn't really in the mood to play. I thought I observed, then he started suprising me at work, then we went our for dinner, I mentioned the divorce, I cried, I asked, he dismissed me....We went for dinner, it was awkward, but none the less, he was leaving for a month soon, and our anniversary was coming, and he admired this painting the restaurant had on the wall. I excused myself to the ladies room and bought the painting off the wall for him, (on my birthday) the waiter brought it over and he had no reaction, none, no gestures, he was just blank and it wasn't surprise. He couldn't even say thank you until I asked for it.....Ugh, that's been our lives, my life, my settling, my stupidity. So he left, he returned and his behavior was just different, disturbing, It really was more off than usuall. We had Thanksgiving and then he was off on a trip for a month. He left, I hacked his email and well lets say his newest sexuall activities are a 3 ring circus. Well the last 18 days are hell, doctors, our cars were broken into, where the little robber left his papers all over, with the attorney notes, then just one thing after another. So I borrowed money from my parents (yes, they have been bailing out me, for 15 years, because my husband is a selfish overgrown child).  Sold some things, while they were still communal property, and filed for divorce. Ahh but then he calls convinces me to drop the protective order, which I do, then the bastard cuts off all funds...Mind you I'm off work on vacation for a month (school) I have five dogs and my parents and family reside thousands of miles away, I have noone because Ive become the embarrased recluse...So here I am, alone scared, I knew what I could get him to agree to pay, temporarily until mediation, so I did it. But he comes home in a few days, yes home part of the agreement was because I need to finish my job, he'll be around 30 days until then...and save money, every conversation leads to a fight. how can I possibly stop obssessing, deal with the pain, move foward and have to see him.??? how in the world does life get so messy and sad and confusing.Yes the marriage was disctructive, disfunctional and unhealthy, but it was all I knew for 16 years. I'm just operating at maximum capacity. I feel so broken. I wonder what's next. I'm afraid, but no longer scared....but then part of me thinks, ahhhh his plan worked I have cleaned up, picked up every broken piece in his life, just did all the work, willingly, obiently, and now I'm doing this while he's traveling, and extendedly and I'm alone stuck here taking care of the dogs....i cry but noone hear.

My story - - Dec 6th 2009

I am writing today to share my story in hopes of helping others out there.  My story is that I married my high school sweetheart after dating him for 12 years.  We married in our late 20's with the thought that we were almost finished with our education and that we could focus on building our family when he each hit 30.  My husband always wanted a large family, at least 5 kids he would tell people.  I'm an only child so having 1 was going to be pretty life changing. 

So we had our first child in 2000 and it was so life changing that I thought I would never let my husband touch me again.  I carried my son for 42 weeks and could never imagine the effects of labor and delivery.  I breast-fed my son for 1 year.  So during that year and actually prior to the birth of our son my husband has indicated that I started pushing him away and that he didn't feel loved.

So to make a long story short, we now have 3 kids and my husband has filed for divorce because he has been having an affair with a 49-50 year old woman who is a grandmother with a high school diploma that worked for him in a previous job!  Let me mention my credentials, so you can understand the irony in his selection.  I have 2 masters degrees and work for a fortune 500 company making over 6 figures and we live in a 5 bedroom newly constructed house with a walk-out basement, while his "grandma" girlfriend is divorced, has 2 grown kids in the 20's, one daughter with a 3 year old and a son who has a criminal record and lives in a 3 bedroom townhouse in a less desireable dommunity and needs so much help to do basic things in life like get a mortgage and understand how financing issues.  I also left out that I'm a real estate broker and have several rental properties that I bought with my own credit.  Earlier this year, he took on a 2nd job so that he could support this woman by wining and dining her and I found out in August that they went on a week long vacation to Puerto Rico together.  I subsequently found other pictures of them on short trips he took for his job. He filed for divorce in April of this year and to date has done nothing to move the divorce forward.  He thinks that he is going to be able to afford a house once he gets his name off the mortgage of the house we own together.

Like the others that have posted, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it from day to day.  It is very painful to watch him self-destruct and know that what he is doing has a great impact on our children.  I forgot to add that in 2007, while I was 6 month pregnant with our 3rd that he decided to take a motorcycle trip to Sturgis with his "grandma" girlfriend.  So although I have no physical abuse, emotionally the damage is great.

I could go on and describe other things that have happened in the last few years, but I won't.  I will suffice it to say to each and everyone of you, hold your heads up high and know that your stories inspire and touch others you don't even know.  You can and will make it and each and everyday is another day to do something great and make a difference.  You need to reach down and find that inner strength, you have it, and make things happen.  God is always there, you may not know it or feel it, but he is and he will help your through your troubled times.  Be strong people and take control of your world, remember you can't control the actions of other people but you can control how those actions impact your world directly.  Don't be a victim! Take control of what you can control and make changes, remember you can't change or help others that don't want to help themselves!

God bless you all and continue to keep strong and keep your heads up!

Why me Lord? - Jenn - Dec 3rd 2009

You know they say that God doesn't put anymore on you than you can handle, well he's got a lot of faith in me then. I just got married in March of this year but we've been together for 2 years. My cousin introduced us right after new years. Shortly after he was living with me. He seemed so perfect completely different from my exhusband. He was wonderful with my two children and he got one of his daughters to come live with us. A couple of months into marriage we find out that he has a 13 month old son from his previous girlfriend. We take the baby in as well. Just to let you know he would not work or as he says could not work. I was supporting everyone! You would think that I would be the one that wanted a divorce. We got into an argument that night no big deal but he blew it all out of proportion. He began yelling he knew that we weren't going to last and he hoped that I burned in hell. He began packing everything that belonged to him. He jumped in the truck that I bought him grabbed his son and left. I received a phone call from him saying that he was in jail for felony possession of drugs. This is where everything comes out. He had cheated on me with four different women (one of which he was headed to live with that night), he had a serious drug problem. Lucky me, I can pick 'em. My family tells me that if I take him back they will have nothing to do with me.  I know that I should go ahead with the divorce but I love him he just has a problem, a serious problem. I pray everyday several times a day for the Lord to be with me, make me strong. This is so hard. 

still grieving ... will it ever end? - - Dec 3rd 2009

I was with my husband for 15 years and we have one daughter. We have been divorced now for 7 years and even though I have moved on in many ways in my life I still have waves of sadness and grief that are so intense that they feel unbearable. It's as if we just split up yesterday. 

I feel that the divorce was my fault because I was unfaithful to him. I wanted to work it out but he couldn't forgive me. He's remarried now and his wife is pregnant. Because we co parent together and have to coordinate our schedules so often, I feel like my past is always right in my face and I just can't move on.

I'm afraid that I will feel this way forever.

Today was the day - Mike - Nov 30th 2009

My wife and I started dating at 19 and got married at 22. After about 10 years she started feeling depressed over the thought that she'd missed out on her "wild years" and didn't get to do the whole random dating/partying/etc scene.

It got to a point where we were on the verge of splitting up, so I gave her some "freedom" in hopes that she would get that wandering eye out her system and realize that she did indeed WANT to be married.

Fast forward to today...when I gave her signed divorce papers. I never wanted this, never mistreated her, was never anything but the ideal friend/lover/husband/confidant. All along she cheated on me (the times I knew, it was without my consent) and treated me to what friends have said was a healthy dose of emotional abuse.

Today is the day I get my self-respect back! I know it won't be easy for me, but I also know that it will be even tougher for her (I believe she has a relationship addiction - and somehow almost always picks guys with crazy police records - but doesn't want get help). It breaks my heart knowing what her future could hold for her, but she refuses to change, refuses to get help and refuses to even realize that she's doing anything wrong, risky or dangerous.

She says she loves me. She says I'm the nicest guy she's ever met. She has said all along that she knew that she'd end up costing us our marriage but knew it was something she needed to do or she'd regret it forever.

Thanks for reading. It's good to have a place to vent.

I see it coming ... - - Nov 24th 2009

My husband hasn't spoken nor seen me from past 2 years. He lives in another country. Just deserted me to make his mother happy. Some times it hurts a lot .... :(. My only solace is tears ... . I see it coming and every thing will end. I don't how to cope. I wish he was kinder. Some people are so cruel , they are just disgrace to humanity. 

Follow Up - Amanda - Nov 15th 2009

I had read that someone wanted a follow up. Here is a follow up. This year has definetly been one of the toughest years of my life. It actually has been the year from hell.  Me and my son have been through everything from being left homeless to having no money.  Some how we managed to get through it. There are some things that you may never get over depending on how much you have loved the other person. For me I really don't think I will totally stop loving Todd. I have tried to stop loving him but, I can't. I have learned to accept the fact that I still love him more than words could ever express. I just want him to be happy. The relationship we had was not a healthy one. He very much verbally and sometimes physically abused me. I had begged him to get some counselling but, he didn't want it. Family life just wasn't what was in the stars for him. We have been divorced for almost two months and he walked out in January of this year. He has moved on with another woman which is really painful but once again you manage to wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.

I have done a lot to change my life. I wasn't allowed to go return to school when we were together. I enrolled myself in the Personal Support Worker course in March and I graduated this past Friday Nov. 13, 2009. I start my new Job tomorrow at the hospital. There is no greater feeling than it is to help another human being. I do belive that everything in this life happens for a reason. You just have to get up every day with a smile* and keep trucking. You can't let them win. I have changed a lot. I must say that this is the first time in 5 yrs that I am completely and totally happy.  I still have my moments where I do find myself crying. I will hear something on TV or see something that will remind me of my ex. You have to put yourself back into reality and be proud of how you have grown as a person, and how much of a better person you are because of the experience you have just gone through.

You will have a much closer relationship with your kids. I have an amazing relationship with my son. Your kids will keep you strong. If you can survive a divorce you can survive anything!!! I am so very proud of every single one of you on here. Your stories have helped me and I am sure milliions more ppl. Remember you are not alone. Forgive your Ex.  Not for them but, for yourself.  By Forgiving them your are releasing them. You are allowing yourself to be FREE. Wish your ex a good life as I have wished mine a good life. I hope that he has a wonderful life with the one he is with now. I wish him wealth, health and much happiness. I pray that will have a wonderful relationship with our son.

Remember your day will come. You will come out on top. Keep your chin up. Everything is as it is suppose to be. Accept what you can't change. I will say a prayer for everyone who has a broken heart. Just learn to accept things as they are.  I hope this comment has helped someone. Even if it is one person. :)

and I thought I was all alone - Trisha - Nov 13th 2009

This may sound crazy but it's so good to read all these sad posts.  Because I inititated the divorce from my verbally/emotionally abusive/absent ex, I never in a million years expected to grieve.  I guess I am sad and missing what I thought I would/should have after 20 years of marriage, and not sad b/c I miss having another semi-luke warm body in the house.  John, I can totally relate to the missing the kids. When they are with him I cry my eyes out. I never wanted "suitcase children." It breaks my heart!! And my relationship with my kids has changed as well. You do feel so totally alone, no family in town either.

depression is overwhelming - John - Nov 11th 2009

I have been married 19 years and it is ending. I am afraid my relationship with my children will never be the same. The depression is overwhelming.   

Found out today. - Erin Heard - Nov 11th 2009

I just found out today that my husband and me are getting divorced.  He no longer wants to be in this marriage.  Now, I'm feeling all the feelings in the world, most of them were mentioned in the article.

Even know I'm knew to this getting divorced thing, I want to share some advice that I think might work.  Thought stopping and thought changing.  Whenever you start thinking about things that cause you anger or the tears to come think about something happy or neutral without the other person involved.

Also, don't get trapped in the irrational thoughts either.  I tend to do this because it's easy.  I do the, "our marriage never mattered" and "he must not have cared about me," which is usually irrational thoughts.  So check out your thoughts, if they are irrational, make them rational.

Example, "He never cared about me," could turn into "He did care, we are just not right for each other."

This tends to help me through any painful situation, so I thought I would offer it.

pain and hurting - mac - Nov 10th 2009

me and my wife were married for 7 years been together 9 till she emptied the house and took my kids 8 months ago.your head is everwere some days good some days awful never knowing what part of this frightening emoitional rollercoaster will take your heart next. i have since found out she has hooked up with another guy which has devestated me and left me numb and heartbroken.friends and family have been amazing but like we all know when you turn out the light and it,s you and your thought it,s tough as am typing this out the tears are falling i know people say you gotta stay strong but as we all know easier said than done.i just hope in years to come i will look back on these hard times and say i got through and maybe everyone who has contributed on here will enjoy boat drinks all of us keep are heads up. 

Marriage? Love? Don't believe in them!!!! - Jane - Nov 7th 2009

My soon to be ex- husband we were together for 13 years, everyone knew except me that we are not right for each other.

He set fire to my cousins house whilst doing some plumbing? Of which he'd only done a weekend course for! He'd got no liability insurance and left me to deal with the £150,000 claim against him then left.

He left 3 years ago, he now has a lovely new life with someone and a little girl. The one thing I wanted with him a loving family.  Instead he left me and his son to find a home and build our lives without him and thats ok? He didn't even care where we were going to live, he was releaved when I found somewhere. He wouldn't divorce me last nov because it wasn't the right time for him.

I lost everything that day, my self-esteem, confidence, security, someone I thought loved me but never did. I was told this my brother on his wedding day, a right kick in the guts to find out I've never ever been loved.

I will never properly trust anyone again, these days people are not interested in how I am because I should be over this now. I am over him but it's everything else that life has to throw at you. I'm trying to move on but always get pushed down again.

I hope there is a light at the end of this awful tunnel.

Follow-up Stories would be helpful - Marko - Nov 2nd 2009

I think it would be interesting and possibly helpful to hear a follow-up story from some the people who have made comments here over a year ago.

Confused People, when to love again? - Needed Help - Oct 19th 2009

Hi, this webpage has opened my eyes. Yes, we moved to fast in another relationship.

I've been separated for 2 1/2 years and have been dating a guy for 10 mths, he also has been married and I broke off with him because of my insecurities of him maybe cheating. Now, it find out that he is stilling holding on to his marriage but doesn't want to get back in it.

We are both still hurting but I feel because we both have been down that road; we can learn from our mistakes and grow from that.

But he needs time and I'm willing to give that to him, how can I help him through this.

entered a relationship too soon - Joshua - Oct 19th 2009

My wife left me over a year ago (May 2008) and the divorce recently went through.  However, about a year ago, I got involved in a relationship that ended.  She ended it about a month ago and I am really hurt.  Because I entered this relationship, I think I delayed my grieving process with my wife.  Now, I feel like I am doubly grieving now.  I thought I was more emotionally stable to handle that...but was not.  What do I do now?  All I can think about is how lonely I am. 

Still Hurting after 10 months - - Oct 17th 2009

Hi my Ex Husband left me and our 4 year old son in Janurary for another woman. It has been a really rough 10 months.  The divorce was final on September 13,2009 due to him comitting adultry and all of the years he had mentally abused me. It is funny how we don't see what is really going on in front of our faces until we step out of the picture. The thing that is really hurting me now is the fact that he seems to treat this new girl that he left me for a hundred times better than he had ever treated me. I am not trying to make myself seem like I am some kind of saint but, I was truly good to him. I did everything possible trying to make him happy. I even sacrified my own happiness to make him happy but, I WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH!! I pray every single day of my life that this pain will someday go away. I try to figure out what this other woman has that I never had. Any thoughts on how do you get over the hurt of an ex moving on I guess so to speak?

Thanks for any advice

THE MOST confusing thing I have ever been thru - JoniH - Oct 15th 2009

I found out that instead of loving, honoring, and cherishing ME, my husband had turned to CHEMICALS to love, honor and cherish.  Within a month of finding out, I had him in a detox at a local hospital.  About two weeks after his detox, I found out he was back to using drugs again!  

How could drugs be more important than me?

Now that he's sober again, I find myself wondering if I should go thru with this divorce; even though we are both in different relationships now.  We still have an amiable relationship; even though we hurt each other.  This has got to be THE MOST confusing thing I have ever been thru. Period.

So, I am not the only one... - Yvonne - Oct 4th 2009

Thank you so much for your advice. I'm 44 and 1/2 but I feel like 104 this week. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. Just last week he showed up with a 4-year old son from a previous affair again. This is after I forgave him in 2002 and gave our relationship another chance. I have 1 daughter and she is 16,non-verbal,non-ambulatory and about 8 mo. old mentally. I have no family in this state. I will not deny that I have had serious suicidal thoughts because I feel I have failed my little angel. but she's still here. There must be 6 billion people in this world and I feel I'm in the nuclear zone. Loneliness is not helping. I can just barely cope. But reading that what is happening to me is sort of the way things go, does.

To Amanda - Indian Friend - Sep 23rd 2009

I could not help but cry after reading what happened to you. I pray to God, to protect all the little children and their mothers who are going through hell and back. May God give us strenghth to forget pain and move on with our lives. I'm sure people like you with little kids can bring their children wonderfully. God will be there with you every moment of life to over come this rough patch.

Take baby steps and just concentrate on making yours and your child's future secure. Don't think of people who hurt you, God will know better what to do with them.

May God give all the children all his love and care and protect them.

In Limbo - Tami - Sep 16th 2009

Not sure how to deal with my obsessiveness right now.  My husband announced 1 month ago that he is unhappy and wants a divorce, claiming that there was no way to fix us (which he means me) and promptly took all his clothes and toiletries and left.  We have been together almost 9 yrs, married almost 2.  He is currently pursuing his massage therapist.  He denies it.  I know better.  I have proof and the way I have it is from obsessing and doing my digging.  Unhealthy, but in my opinion, healthy in the long run. Yes, I know.

Let me state that TRUTH is very important to me.  I don't like having reality hidden or colored prettier to save my feelings.  Let me have them!  I can appreciate opinions good and bad, and facts, even with a emotionally destroying outcome, as long as I know what I'm dealing with, I understand better and can move forward.  My huge issue is, what to do with the emotions I'm not so good at managing.  Anger, insecurity, obsessing.  How can I explain?  I wouldn't say I'm passive-agressive as much as bi-polar (neither have been diagnosed by my counselor).  Crazy thing is,  I do know better, understand how I got here, don't have any fears about the future or how I'll survive the divorce, I know I'll find love again and better than it was this time, have goals to go back to school, have wonderful friends and family in my home state which I'm returning..taking 2 of our 4 horses with me (my loves!), have a place to live down there....and know for a FACT I'll be just fine, and yet I still obsess. 

I'm not living in anger right now.  I do not feel insecure daily.  His new interest is quite pretty and young! I can't blame him for being attracted to her.  I told him the other day that I understood how he could develop feelings for someone else, afterall, I wasn't fulfilling his needs (sexually or emotionally), and I do not blame him!  I do not point out anything he did to me, real or imagined.  I keep my statements in line with how I feel and what I did.  We both sucked.  This was the reality of it.  He was closed off, I learned to protect myself by closing off.  Sex was rare.  Sometimes I felt like he believed acting nice for 5 mins was worth me 'giving him sex' as he put it.  Emotionally, in an adult relationship he was not experienced.  He had dead emotions with his previous relationship..he never was in love with her and yet stayed for 6 yrs.  She loved him madly, but he didn't return that love.  They didn't fight.  That's why he stayed so long and his belief about good relationships was based on that.  He doesn't agree relationships/marriage takes work.  He believed PMS was just a weapon women used to hurt men.  He put up walls then accused me of being emotionally unavailable.  LOL  It took me years to see where that was coming from.  Along with that understanding, came resentment.  I looked up to him and listened back then.  I worked on myself, believing he was right...then figured it out that he is so insecure about himself that he needed me to be beneath him to feel better.  Argh!  Talk about double edged sword!  He looks at me as superior, but sees himself as inferior!  I feel bad for him, and stupid I didn't see it sooner.

It's only a month into this journey, and a couple weeks into the periodic obsessing.  In another month I can see myself over the obsessing, but worried I'll be stuck in something else.  I'm such a contradiction!!!  Please!  I do not want to be told 'don't do that', 'where does it get you?', or 'it's not healthy', as I already know these things.  I am aware, yet feel powerless to the obsessing.  Is there some way other than the usual obvious points to thwart the crazies? 

To all of you suffering and struggling, I'll pray for you!  I will send good thoughts your way in my daily wishes.  Please, Please believe in yourself!  Please be kind to yourself!  This is only a period of time in your life and we are all in this together!  There is hope and light at the end of this tunnel...let's get there together!

I will await any and all insight and guidance.  I will be humbled by the truth, and enlightened by the unexpected.  Thank you!

I was married to a narcissist for 29 years - marcia - Sep 13th 2009

Dear Ann,

Your comments struck home as I divorced a narcissist who was never interested in me as a woman, told me he was assexual, and now my 22 year and 17 year old have been invited to meet his girlfriend's of 4 years college age son over the Jewish holidays.

It does not hurt intellectually merely emotionally.  I am embroiled over the situation.  During our marraige, I was unfaithful but the narcissist who, like many narcissits is also passive aggressive, encouraged me to do so and it was always done in front of his face with men he invited into our home.

Since you have only been married 15 years, I bet you are younger than me and are lucky to be free when young enough to start a new life for you and your teenaged child.

It is funny what goes around, comes around, and now I am the one - after dedicating the last 5 years to spending evenings, etc. at home with my son - who has to start socializing, who feels like the victim, and feels hurt and abandoned.  When married, the shoe was on the other foot.  So I have to get over my ridiculous sense of feeling rejected, lonely and in pain.  We had not been together for so many years, the divorce simply put a stamp on a failed marriage - we were in two bedrooms for at 10, 15 years before formally splitting nine months ago.  The way I feel pained is self imposed and not in tune with reality.  Why would I want to punish myself this way?

Comment directly to Michele - Amanda - Sep 12th 2009

Hi Michele,

I feel you pain Honey. My husband left me in January for another women. He was with her before he kicked me and our 4 yr old son out of our home. I have gone through hell and Back!! Anywheres from being homeless, struggling with money, having a car that constantly breaks down and trying to put myself through school to make a better life for my son! This has been one of the worst yrs of my life I must say. Now he has another woman living with him and her three children. He has my son sleeping on an air mattress when he visits him and the other kids all have a bed to sleep in. That upsets me more than words could ever express.  He is such a joy.  A blessing and a gift from God I call him. All you can really truly do is be the best mom you can be and give your children so much love. Love them with everything that you have. They will remember!! When ppl say that time heals our wounds and pain it really does.  I know that you don't see the light right now but, you will trust me!! I was completely and totally in love with my ex husband. I would have ran in front of a bus and died for him to make him happy. We just have to realize that the life that they had isn't the live that is meant to be for them or us. We are good ppl and we deserve nothing but the best :) I look back at all of the struggles and this may seem crazy but, I look forward to the struggles ahead. Life is a challenge we can either learn to dance in the rain or let the bad ruin our short life here on earth.

What other ppl are telling you is the truth. You will get thorough this. What got me thorough it all is my son.  Think of your babies :) Imagine how much better their life is going to be. I know that you are going to be okay. All of on here are all going to be okay. Keep your chin up honey.  If you feel you need to cry then that is ok. I still cry and its been 9 months!!! It's okay. Whenever, you are feeling sad picture your childrens smiles.

I will say a prayer for you and I wish you all of the best. And just remember that at the end of a rain storm the sun does shine :)

God Bless!!

Learning to cope - Ann - Sep 12th 2009

My soon to x and I have been together 15.5 years, married 14 years.  He was very attentive, totally there emotionally for me, so respectful, wanted me to be his wife within 4 months of dating, and treated me like a queen.  (so many red flags)  I was convinced this guy was genuine and wanted to make a beautiful life together.  We have one child, 11 years old.  However, once he got comfortable, he couldn't hold a job, became distant emotionally, his passions were his books and music, and sex, well is it really important?  Intimacy was foreign to him, if there was a conflict, he could not empathize with the other side, me or anyone else, but would write hideous letters and emails with big words to make him feel powerful.  I recently did some research on a narcissist, and there he was, the entitled one.

So now I am in warfare during this divorce.  He has had a girlfriend since before I asked for the divorce, writes me awful emails that are a true reflection of him, which is pretty scary at this point.  It feels like my attorney is not taking this guys emotional issues seriously regarding safety of myself and our daughter.   At this point I don't know if I will be able to afford my home, may have to have joint custody, and he is going for spousal support. 

I don't get how the laws support people who are totally intelligent enough to hold a job, but feel that when the going gets tough they are entitled to quit their jobs.  The laws in divorce also make this horrible situation so adversarial.  Compared to many, I am stronger in many ways.  If I didn't have this strength, I can't imagine how one can get through the process without major, major regrets because you are too weak to make the best decisions for yourself and if you have children for them when you are depressed and feeling like you are the bottom.  Today I am feeling pretty low.  I have been going through this process now since last November, and nothing is completed yet.  Its a very long story, but mediation went south, he left out of the country for the summer and we are back at the tables.  The mud is slinging all over the place to the point I don't know if we can clean it up enough to see the true picture.  Mediation begins again this week, hopefully we can agree to psychological evaluations, though very expensive, get a signed agreement, and move on. The alternative is divorce trial.  I will not have the money for that as my credit is already taxed. 

Sigh

he loves me but hes not in love with me anymore - Michele - Sep 12th 2009

 My husband and I are divorcing after 12 years together....10 1/2 married.  We have 2 children together ages 7 and 11.  He said that he loves me but hes not in love with me anymore.  What a slap in the face!  It just doesn't make sense to me because I didn't see it coming.  I feel like I was hit by a train.  It's only been a little over a month since he's told me but he's also moved out of state.  We live in RI and he moved to NC leaving the kids and I here.  I can't help but cry all the time because I'm extremely hurt but everyone tells me not to be.  They don't know how I feel, nobody in my family really does.  I feel ashamed that this is happening to me.  Now I find out that he's slept with 2 other people which makes the hurt even worse.  He could've waited until we were divorced.  I see it as being betrayed and cheated on but he doesn't because we're not together.

Pained and Betrayed - Rachel - Sep 11th 2009

I was with my soon to be ex-husband for 5 years.  Married for only about one short year.  I thought everything was perfect...until

I went on a Family trip to Tennessee for my Grandmother's 90th birthday.  When I came back from my trip I found out that my Husband had been arrested for stealing from his employers in a group with other employees.

I kicked him out of the house because I needed time to absorb the situation...During the time we were separated many things unraveled.

I found out that he had been stealing for quite some time and selling items on ebay, he had racked up a HUGE amount of debt under my name without my knowledge BEFORE we were even married, and he had been telling my family awful lies about me to try and get a wedge between us.

Up until this point in 5 years he never once showed a sign of this behavior and here had been living a double life.  I have always prided myself in being a good judge of character but I made a HUGE misjudgement this time.

The hard part of everything is that even though he commited these acts and I have since filed for divorce, You cannot just turn off your love for someone.  I am devasted and cannot seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel...

RE: Sarah - Michele - Sep 11th 2009

I know exactly what you are going through.  My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years.  I met him when I was 19 and he was 24.  He too told me that he wants a divorce because he is no longer in love with me anymore.  We have 2 children together, ages 7 and 11 and live in RI.  He has since left and moved to NC.

10 years...over - Sarah - Sep 9th 2009

My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. We've been through a lot emotionally together...there were several HUGE fights and painful situations in our marriage, but we always seemed to come out stronger on the other side. My husband just sprung the divorce talk on me this past week, I was blind-sided! I didn't see it coming, didn't recognize the signs. He stopped wearing his wedding ring a while ago & I thought nothing of it. He says he feels bad and guilty b/c he stopped loving me the way I should be loved many years ago...he no longer finds me sexually attractive...he has feelings again for an old HS crush who is in the process of divorce now...but she is not looking for any relationships. I feel stupid...

I feel like I've lost time somewhere...

The HARDEST part for me is that he IS my best friend...I cannot hate him, even if I really want to. I am so lost & confused...I'm going to miss him...and I'm scared!

Changing concepts of self - Kristy Walters - Sep 4th 2009

I just want to say I am a mental health therapist who has been through a divorce.  6 years ago we separated.  About a year in I changed the way I dealt with him.  In ways this helped.  In many ways it didn't.  He still stocked me and has demonstrated some very dangerous behaviors.  Nonetheless, I have moved on with my life, I am not even recognizable as the woman I used to be.  Every aspect of my life, self and way of thinking has changed.  I genuninely hope he will be able engage in a renewal process and participate in redefination at some point too.  However, I believe that for some people, the divorce, like the marriage has come to define them.  There is a malingering seen as some like to play the victim role.  Those particular people would prefer to be miserable.  The opposite of love is indifference.  To this a say cheers!  In my practice I see many people who are suffering on both sides of the coin.  My co-worker and I are working on a theraputic group to address the issues of high conflict divorce.  Wish us luck.  We hope to change the lives of many for the better.  In the same way I have changed mine.

After 29 years I am lost. - - Sep 3rd 2009

I am sixty and my wife is 50. In mid July I discovered my wife of 29 years was having an affair. She was my Queen. She was the reason I worked so hard. During our marriage we had two children who are now grown. I made millions and I lost millions but lately with what is happening with the ecomony we were struggling. I gave her a chance to come back and insisted that she had to give up this guy, the credit card he gave her, the apartment that he provided her, etc. To date she has returned home 4 times. This last time she returned she told me that she would give up this new guy. Well just a few days into her latest return she told me that she was leaving me again. This will be the fifth time that she has left me in about a month and a half. One would think that I would get the picture by now but I still love her but I definitely do not trust her. By virtue of the fact that I am writing about this very sad betrayal it helps me sooth my feelings. When I first found out I was ready to take us all out. I still love her. I am still totally confused and _ _ cked up! But I will make it thank God. To whomever reads this just be patient and pray alot and you will get through all of the emotional mine fields that are out there.  If you don't know how to pray then go to a pastor, priest, or rabbi just so you can have someone to talk to. Just do it! God Bless You.

Moving On - Adam - Aug 30th 2009

I have been married 8 yrs. and been with my wife 12 yrs.  We bought our second house together in Dec. and have a 4 yr. old son.  She recently told me that she was not in love with me any longer.  I tried to work it out through marriage counseling and trying to change myself because I began to believe her when she told me I was the problem.  I have recently learned a lot of things about her (cheating w/ multiple partners, drinking, etc...)  I was served last week, she appeared before a judge, told a lot of untruths and had me removed from my home.  I haven't seen my son in 5 days.  I am now in a hotel until I can decide what to do next.  I have been doing a lot of thinking and am starting to feel a bit better.  I am starting to plan for my new future and am trying to remain positive and optimistic.  But, it is very difficult.

Devestated! - Melissa - Aug 30th 2009

I have been married for 4 1/2 years but together with him for 10, since I was 19. When, out of the blue to me, he decides that he is done. He says that he knew I had some issues that I needed to work on when we got together, but he thought he could help me. That he married me because he thought I'd change and that he bought a house with me last year because he thought it would help me change. Now he says he's done. He doesn't want to try anything at all to try and save our marriage. I am so in love with him and it hurts so bad. I don't know how to start moving on.

In the meantime, we are still living in the same house because neither one of us can afford to move out. I don't have much family in the area we live in, and since I've done almost everything with him for the last 10 years, I don't have a group of friends either. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop crying. How do I stop hoping that maybe, he'll wake up and decide that he loves me again.

If anyone has any advice on what to do, I'd welcome it.

Broken - Randy - Aug 28th 2009

Been married for 15 years to a woman I believed to be the "one" only to find three years into our marriage that there were serious emotional issues that needed to be delt with. After our first 7 years, we seperated only for her to beg me back and for us to work on our relationship. Now another 8 years has passed and both of us are miserable in our "emotionally void" marriage and the divorce will be final in Oct. The worst part out of all this is the realization I recently had when she told me she no longer had any feelings of love for me and didn't care about me any longer. This hit me like a ton of bricks..I wasn't ready to hear that someone I've known and been in a "relationship" for almost a total of 18 years who is the mother of our 2 year old, no longer loves me and is happy to be divorcing. That is a hurt I'm struggling the hardest with. I will always have a part of me that loves her and my only hope was that she could admit the same but it's not in her. This is a pain I cannot describe...

so sorry - Tiffany - Aug 4th 2009

I have only been married for about a year and a half, but I've known my husband for almost twenty years. (Since I was 10)  He says he always knew we would be married and spent most of the past 20 years convincing me so.  We started our romantic relationship 5 years ago and I thought I was so stupid for putting him off all these years.  I have birth to both of our first 2 years ago and things were great.  He proposed last Feb. and we were wed secretly within 2 weeks.  Because our families didn't know, we still planned an engagement and a wedding for last Oct.  Since being married, officially, in front of our friends and family so many things have changed.  I miss my best friend.  I miss him being my rock.  Things are so different that he served me divorce papers on Mother's day of this year.  It was devastating.  I had a stupid affair a week later.  I have since told him and, of course, it adds fuel to the divorce, but I am so sorry.  I don't know if I want him back or if I want to move on.  We have always been a part of each others lives.  I feel like I"m sorry we ever got married...we could have been just fine not.  It's just such a mess.

17 years - Nate - Jul 26th 2009

To make a long story short, weve been together for 17 years, married for 14. Due to neglect, I began to cut off my feelings 10 years ago, and we separated 3 years ago. I thought I did not care any more, and thought there was nothing she could do to hurt me anymore. Then she met this guy and got serious with him fast. Our divorce is final in one month and I can't wait. The strange and unexpected thing is, it is killing me. I do not in any way shape or form want her back, and I especially want absolutely nothing to do with anyone in her family whatsoever, as they trated me like sh%* for years. But I am experiencing such pain and anxiety seeing her with someone else, and seeing him around my kids. My kids think he is great, which is a good thing and how I want it, but at the same time it kills me to see them look up to another man. I personally think it is due to the fact that our plan was solid in the beginning that we would marry and have a wonderful family together, and I stuck to that plan and she did not. She felt she was missing out on her youth. I resent her so much for not sticking to our plan, thinking the grass was greener on the other side, yet now she is in a serious relationship with someone just like me, and looking forward to having another child and getting married.

30+ Years to Nothing - anne - Jul 25th 2009

Take one retired husband, too much time on his hands, enjoying his bar buddies to the point of getting drunk alittle too often and we have the end of a long marriage. The hardest part, as much as I grew to despise him & his ways, I'm shocked at the pain I feel. It's been a roller coaster ride to put it mildly, one day he wants to start over, the next he's "done" and ready to move on. I don't even know where I'm at anymore I just know it's a terrible feeling and it is only by praying that I find any sense of relief & hope. Blessings to all that share this pain, have faith, it will not fail you.

Addiction - Renee - Jul 23rd 2009

I married for the 2nd time 4 years ago.  I had been through alot of emotional trauma - my youngest daughter had been in a serious car accident her senior year in high school and I had been her sole caregiver for 3 months.  Before she graduated from high school, she and her older sister convinced me to go on the Internet to find someone to date.  I had been divorced from their father for 5 years.  So, taking their advice I took the plunge.  Went on 1 date with the man I evenutally married a year later despite the fact he was 17 years older than me; had been married 3 previous times; had an alcohol problem; and later I found out he had some very serious sexual issues (wanted to participate in a swinger lifestyle.)  I participated 2 times in such activities and hated myself after.  When I told him I would not do anything like that again he became angry; sulking; telling me that deep down inside I really liked it.  He looks at internet porn 24/7; makes lewd comments about other women and tells me; was fired from his job for sexual harrassment; and the icing on the cake - did not attend the out-of-town memorial service with me for my stepfathers funeral sighting the monetary cost of going such a long distance from home and that he "hardly knew the man."  However, he did make it a point to contact everyone he knew by email telling them of his "concern" for my family and asking for prayers.  I had such extreme anxiety after losing my stepfather and having to deal with the same old stuff from my husband.  I had told him many times that I was not happy..that I wanted him to quit drinking all to no avail.  He would comment that he "did everything for me..I was the love of his life."  What a crock.  He can't love.  I left him last Friday; walked out with 1 suitcase and my dog and am staying with my daughter and her fiance.  He has changed the locks on the door of the house; I have to ASK permission to get my things out of the house and go when it is convenient for him.  I have rented an apartment and will be moving in 8/1; returning to my job as a teacher 8/3; am broke; my mother lent me money for the deposit; he ruined my car; I pay for his health insurance (which really pisses me off); and just want him out of my life.

I have really prayed about this and feel that God does not want me in such a "dark" relationship.  Psalm 121 is getting me through this and my hope that soon, soon I will feel better.  I hate that while my mother is grieving and dealing with some very selfish uncaring adult stepchildren who act like 2-year-olds, that I am adding to her worry.  I am one of 4 children and the only one who does not live near her.  I am about 900 miles away.  We speak on the phone at least 2 times a day and her life right now is just as much a train wreck as is mine.  Thanks for letting me vent.

God bless every woman who has gone through what I have been dealing with.

Renee

Jumping In - JS - Jul 20th 2009

My wife and I separated in December and divorced in April. Like most people say, we had problems but nothing major. She is the one that wanted the divorce and I fought tooth and nail to keep it going. To make it worse, she was back and forth literally a few times a week for a few months on whether or not we should stay married. It was my first marriage, her second and we had 1 child together and she had a daughter from a previous relationship. Long story short, we lived in Indiana at the time and through some shady legal practices, she was able to not only get full custody of our daughter but move to Texas where her parents are at. I have our daughter every other month but my ex wife refuses to let me see or even talk to my once step daughter. This is the girl I raised for 2 years from a very young age and thought that I was her dad which for all intents and purposes, I was. Anyway, obviously my story is more complex as all of ours are but thats the gist of it. One other point pertaining to my step daughter, her dad is a scum bag rotting away in jail for the last few years who might I add, had a dislike for me but I still thought it was important for them to communicate on some level. I would let her talk on the phone to him and we saved all the letters he wrote and I just wish I would get the same courtesy from my ex wife. On a positive note, my ex and her family would encourage my step daughter to call me by name instead of daddy after the separation and she refused for a solid 2 months or so. God only knows what she calls me now but I guess it's irrelevant. Our daughter together is the greatest, most beautiful thing I have ever done with my life and I feel blessed everyday I wake up with her. It's been a hard 6 months or so but the clouds are starting to break. Stay busy people, get social, exercise, read more, better your life! If you have kids with your ex, concentrate on them. If it really is the end then go gracefully. Thanks for reading my rant and remember, all is fair in love and war. Y'all take care and keep your heads up.

16 year marriage - arthur - Jul 8th 2009

I have recently separated from my wife of 16 years.  I am looking for ways to cope and deal with this grief, guilt, and remorse.  I have doen many things to isolate myself from my family and her.  I have not been affectionate, passionate, and have been verbally abusive many times.  I took her for granted.  I treated her like a woman should never be treated and I regret not knowing how to accept her and her love.  I now find myself crying everyday for no apparent reason other than I miss her and my kids, and the feeling of guilt and disgust towards myself.  I have promised her I would change many times and never did.  Now I find myself a lonely man who doesn't know the direction he needs to go.  I often believe I will not make it and wish I could undo what I have done.  I was never unfaithful to her nor was I physically abusive.  But I was never supportive of her decisions and aspirations and always criticized her every move and thought.  I can only guess what will happen to me as I find myself lonely, bitter, and hate at myself for being that awful person.  I wait for her call and wait for her forgiveness but deep down inside I know she won't. 

Response to Ray - Nate - Jul 5th 2009

Ray,

   I know your pain.  My wife of 12 years left me out of the blue this past Nov.  We have 2 daughters, and I just saw them for the first time in 7 months.  Painful is an understatement!  

She went home last Aug for a month, while she was gone she didn't contact me hardly at all, we then got in an arguement because of it.  Three weeks after coming home she told me that she didn't want to be with me anymore.  I thought our marriage was about as good as it got.  We had arguements just like any other couple, but that's really IT!  I never cheated or desired to cheat on her, didn't emotionally or physcially abuse her.  I am by no means perfect, but I know no one is.  All of our friends told me that they were floored by this, and they looked at us for a role model marriage.  That's how unbelieveable it was to myself and everyone else.  

She came from a very dysfunctional mother, who married 3 times, and cheated on every husband including her current husband.  All I can say is I guess it's what she knew.  She insisted to me throughout our marriage that she wasn't like her mother, but apparently she was and bottled it up.

I am a Christian, and I believed that she was pursueing her own relationship with God, but apparently I was nieve.  But after reflecting ALOT I now realize she always struggled in her walk with God.  

She also has stated there will be no second chance, no counseling and that she didn't want a miracle.  Who doesn't want a miracle in their life?  

I have been left in shambles too my friend.  Even after 8 months I am still struggling.  I lost my mother almost 5 years ago, and this blows it out of the water as far as pain.  There is nothing like losing the woman you loved like no other, and then being stripped of fatherhood.  I love my 2 little girls like nothing else on earth, and I'm now relegated to being what I feel is a "phone call daddy".  The reason I say that is because I'm in the military, and unfortunately I have too much time to just separate and move closer.    

Brother, all I can say is pray like you've never done if you believe, and hopefully you have good friends who are willing to listen even when you repeat the common question of WHY?  I have asked why a thousand times I bet.  My faith has been challenged like you can't imagine.  I know this wasn't God's will, but he gives us all free will.   

I highly recommend reading "When The Vow Breaks" by Joseph Warren Kniskern.  It's AWESOME, and it will answer many questions for you I believe.  

The hardest part for me is letting go of the woman you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, but that is what has to happen.  I have to trust in God, that I will experience joy again, and trust that he will somehow reconcile my ability to be the father I always wanted to be.

If anyone else has had our similar experience I urge you to share.   

I pray everyone on here will realize God is the only way to heal from an experience like this.  I am leaning on him to get me through.  I am by no means there yet, but am trusting that I will get there soon enough, in God's time.  Which is quick enough right now, but God has that time determined.

Good luck to all, and may God bless each of you!

uplift for those who are in pain - Sharon - Jul 3rd 2009

My heart go out to all of you who are dealing and coping with Divorce...  There are so many emotions, thoughts and feelings that you go through.  I am just recently divorced from the man who I thought was my dream come true, which turned out to be my worst nightmare.  But, now I am free and free to live my life fully, there is so much more.... Stay opened and positive..

I thank God for the courage to face the reality and end the farce.....after 27 months!  I realized that I did not have a marriage as God proclaims or ordains.   So the time came for me to take a stand, it was not easy but necessary to reclaim my life. I believe that God has a plan and purpose for each and every person.   I want to state that good can come out of a bad situation. Please do not give up you must keep on moving, for yourself and children.... That we must continue to stand for our better selves and you're worth it.  Please have the courage to keep moving forward, divorce is like a death.   But, it is not end of life, if we make choices for life and new beginnings.  My prayers and thoughts go out to all you for positive changes, restoration, and healing in the name of Jesus.  With God the impossible is possible, I dare you not to give up or give in.  Keep on believing and trust God, that is my hope and my faith that through it  all, I learned how to lean on Jesus....

God bless you!   

What about commitment - - Jul 3rd 2009

My husband left me again this week.  3 years ago we separated.  I have been with this man since we were both 18 years old.  Fertility took it's toll on us.  We have been married for nearly 7 years and together for almost 11.  I just want to scream at him "what about commitment?".  When did we all forget to help each other through the bad times?   Isn't marriage supposed to be able to sustain the bad stuff?  I am so disappointed in the person I thought I had married.  I want him to come home.  Then again, I don't.  If he can't love me for me AND all of my faults, then I can't live with the shadow of him leaving again for the rest of my life.  Does anyone else feel this way?

Deja Vu - Al - Jun 29th 2009

Been married to my wife for 11 years and have 2 boys aged 8 and 3. Generally things had been pretty good but she does have problems with depression (been on pills for it a couple of times and had one serious episode in hospital as a teenger). We split up for 3 months 7 years ago because she decided at the time she didn't love me (almost out of the blue). It got pretty nasty over money but she eventually mellowed and decided she wanted me back. I came back (maybe stupidly) and everything was fine again. Until 3 weeks ago when she decided that we had a loveless marriage and she didn't want any physical contact with me (not that she wanted to split - she wanted to force me to make the move so she didn't have the guilt). I moved into the spare room and over the space of 2 weeks it just got worse and worse. She wouldn't talk, started ignoring me completely and doing stupid things to get a reaction from me. So after 2 weeks I couldn't take any more and moved out to stay at my mum's. 1 week later and she's already demanding money (she earns a decent wage but I earn a lot more) and trying to control me like she did in the relationship. What she fails to grasp (and did the last time this happened) is that once she's rejected me I've got nothing to lose by saying no. Still life is a real struggle at the moment and I don't know if the outcome will be the same as last time and she'll come crawling back or if this is it (certainly looks that way at the moment). The nastier it gets, the easier it is for me to get over her but I miss the kids so much and she's not making picking them up easy by being so vicious. I've get a very supportive family and I'm sure I'll get there but the thought of existing on my own scares the life out of me...

10 years - Richard - Jun 29th 2009

All,

I too have been touched by what I read here.  My story is I have been in a relationship for 11 years.  It started as a long distance thing and gradually built from there.  We talked for hours on the phone morning and night.  I moved in her bungalow and got a job in Leeds to be with her.  We were both deleriously happy.  I asked her to marry me on the night of the millenium and got her custom made diamond engagement ring.

Marriage was always going to be difficult though.  I had been divorced as had she and she always thereafter refused to marry.  Deep down this always hurt..but I understood and accepted things as they were.

We then got our own place together..and ideal place in the country.  We both wanted kids and tried desperately to start a family.  I went to IVF with her and supported her with all my heart living and hoping.  The drugs that changed her personality and feel so bad.  Then it turned out she couldnt have kids due to medical reasons.  Her age (45) also counted against us.

We eventually decided that it was a lost cause and gave up.  I was sad but agreed with whatever she wanted.  She had the option of donor eggs but didnt want this.  I wanted kids but never wanted to push the issue if she didnt want.

So things continued and we had some lovely happy times.  I loved her with all my heart and soul. I helped her with her job and listened when she wanted to talk.  The assignments, job applications and all the supportive things couples do.  I cooked for her most nights as she had private patients to see after work.  I have a full time job myself and felt tired most of the time.  I longed for quality time with her and lived for the time when we could cuddle up watching a tv show or have a relaxing bath.

Sex was good and bad...not having time and both of not having time made us have no time.  We were both exhausted.   But when it did happen it was lovely.  Bit it wasnt about sex.  I felt totally at one with her and just loved to cuddle, chat.  I loved to see her laugh. She gave me a reason for being and I did all the things I could to improve things...DIY around the house etc etc.  I gave the space to do the things she wanted to do in life and pursue her career and always tried to support. However,  I could see the effect work was having..but the more I asked her for time the more pressure it seemed to put and she resisted.  I should have seen this sign and backed off.  She became nasty at any closeness, even holding hands and I could sense I was irritating her.  She said she wanted her own space.

Then after a weekend away on a course she said she was going.  She moved back to her M&Ds.  She comes back to dump the waste from her patients to burn.  She takes a few more pieces from the house which feels like a nail in the coffin each time.  I called her and we talked for ages on the phone but she is adamant she is not coming back and that she is happy. 

I built my whole life around Sharon and just feel so much pain. I cant eat and I cannot sleep.  All the things we used to do are a constant reminder.  I find myself just shaking or bursting into tears.  I miss her arm around me snuggled in bed.  I miss cuddling up watching TV.  I feel after 10 years to just give up and walk away is such as waste as I know there is a connection there.  But it seems a battle of wills.  I dont care about power or anything but having her at my side.  But she sees things differently.  I never understand why there is a battle of the sexes.  I'm a modern man in every sense..I work and do my share of all the chores.  I'm not her enemy and never have been or given her cause..but I feel cast into this. I've been 100% faithful and loyal and can accept any change with just some discussion.  I dont drink or do drugs.  I'd appreciate understanding how women perceive this issue.

I dont know how to cope with things anymore.  I'm trying to carry on with work and keep things going.  But all is for nothing and nothing has meaning.  Just wat is the point? The pain hurts so bad and I just cannot understand why.  What makes someone just walk away and behave so cruelly without provocation? 

How did I end up here??/ - - Jun 28th 2009

I have been married for 20 yrs and have two wonderful children~ 17 & 15.  I have followed my husband all over the country as he has built a very successful career.  He started a new job Sept. 27th in another state and WE chose for the kids and I to stay here so my son could finish his senior year in high school.  I have been on many house hunting trips to the new area, my daughter had been accepted by a very well know prep school and I thought all the scarifice and saving was about to pay off... Then, 3 weeks ago, I'm talking to him on the phone and one things led to another and he admitted that he's been having an affair for the last 6 mos (I now know it's been longer) and that he doesn't want to try counseling or anything else.  It's over ~ he's moved on.  Oh, and on top of all this~ our house had gone under contract the week before he told me so, I have movers coming to my house at 8am tomorrow to start packing us up.  I had to find a new home in a diff. state, etc... It's just been to awful to actually put into words~ I just want it to all go away!!

In disbelief - - Jun 25th 2009

I guess when you're the one being dumped, it is natural to be dumbfounded.  That's how I feel.  I've been married for 16 years and have 3 kids.  I just learned two weeks ago that my husband has "an urge to leave".  He thinks he can do better than me.  He says he doesn't think of me in a romantic way; however just a week ago we had some of the best sex I think we've ever had.  I just don't get it.  There must have been clues, but I wasn't seeing them.  We didn't argue and we also had weekly family rituals like getting ice cream on Saturdays and making a big pancake breakfast every Sunday.  We even just got back from a family vacation a month ago.  This must have been brewing in his mind for some time.  It's unfortunate he didn't feel comfortable expressing his feelings to me before now.  I think my husband is going through a mid-life crisis, but he just doesn't know it.  He bought a new car three weeks ago and just got his apartment a few days ago.  I've done a lot of sobbing the last few days, especially since he told me in an email this is permanent with three exclamation points!!! I truly thought with all my heart he was "the one" and I'm be married to him forever. Despite my shock, I know I must have been contributing to this is some manner - like overlooking clues of him not appreciating me.  It has been very helpful for me to read these comments and to know I am not alone.  I share very similar feelings.  At the same time, I KNOW that even though this is hell right now, we grow the most out of difficult times and there is a lesson in this for me to learn and I will be happier in the long run.  I look forward to the day I will geniunely tell him thank you (with three exclamation marks) that he moved out.  I would highly recommend "The Power is Within You" by Louise L Hay.  It is very empowering.  Now is the time to start doing things that we like and things that make us happy!

We all have a common thread!! - - Jun 22nd 2009

Like many of you, I too am devastated.  I have been married for 30 years and we are both very prominant in our community.  My husband tells me he has been "confused" for several years and not "sure if he wants to live the rest of his life with me."  We have been together for 33 years.  We have had what others see as a very very happy and active married life.  We have 2 sons that are graduated from prominant colleges.....I have forgiven his admisssion to on line porn problems, an affair and now on line shopping for women to have sex.  This man is very prominant in our community.  He says he is "not happy" and has not been for years.  You can not believe the life that he has had.  The trips the events, the careers.  I have adored him.  I am also very well respected in my professional circle.  We all seem to be the same in pain--don't we??  One that is in terrible terrible pain and denial and self doubt.  And the other that seems to in some way "explain" their infidelity and lies.  What happened to the vows that we took??  Why do let ourselves be so tied to the coupling that we have??  I  too, after 33 years can not see myself living as single, but he claims that "we need to get a divorce"  He swears to me and to our families and friends that "he made mistakes" but there is no one else....he just "needs to be true to himself."  Does anyone believe this??  I just don't get it.  He bailed on couseling after 3 sessions, but he was not emotionally there from the first visit.  I am having a very very hard time accepting that we can abandon our lives, our home, our children and our reputations at this point in life.  I really believe that God will lead us to a "better" place, but it is like walking through fire to get to that garden.  My compassion to all that are in this seering pain of betrayal, bewilderment and self doubt.  Thanks for reading --and for our mutual understanding. It feels good to get it out.   

Broken Hearted!!! - Amanda - Jun 21st 2009

My husband left me 5 months ago. I miss him dearly. Sure we had our problems like most relationships. His mother was a major issue in our marriage. We have a 3 yr old son together and nothing as a mother I could do right with our child. I am a good mom, my son is my life and I love that little boy more than words could ever express but, I was never good enough. She never wanted my ex and I to get married. I guess, in her eyes I was never good enough for her boy. Things got worse over time. He was always constantly putting me down. He would put me down to his friends, whoever he could talk to about me. I am a really good person. I love life, kind, caring, sweet, honest, I was faithful and I loved him with all of my heart. I wanted to have more children he didn't. He got fixed behind my back. I came home from work one day and he was sitting with is bag of peas. I was so hurt!! He told the whole world that I made him marry me. I did push the subject a little bit but, I didn't want to play house with someone for the rest of my life. So, we got married. I wanted to go back to school to study nursing. I wanted to be able to make a difference in other peoples lives as well to be able to better provide for my family. I hated the job I currently have. Working a dead end job with not chance of advancement. It was my dream there were times where he told me if I pursued my dream he would leave me because he would never support me financially. About 5 months ago we had a huge fight. I said some things that I should have never said but, I guess I kinda snapped. He was running me down on the phone with his friend. I got tired of being his door mat I guess. We had to take our son to a Doctors appointment. Things were ok. We went out to eat after his appointment. I dropped him off at his doctors appointment and he said he loved him. He came home later that night and said he was done. He was tired of my BS. He was tired of the way that I treated his mother (there were times that I actually stood up for my right as our sons mother. I guess it was the wrong thing to do), he said that he was tired of not having any money, he said that everything I have done for him in our relationship was never good enough because I could never meet his expectations. He told me to take my kid and get the heck out of his house. I had no wheres to go so I lived in a womans shelter for 30 days. I have tried so hard to make him happy but I guess I couldn't.  I feel like I Have failed. What if I end up alone for the rest of my life? I loved him and how could someone I loved so much hurt me so badly? 

Hope the tears will stop flowing eventually. Thank you for listening to my story.

The pain is unbearable - Dawn - Jun 13th 2009

I am a 50 yo woman married 23 years with a 17 yo and 21 yo son.  We had problems in our marriage but we had good times as well. I believed we were committed.   March 5th my husband came home to tell me, " I am leaving you.  I've been living a double life"," I have been in a relationship for 5 years".   I was shocked, in disbelief, and numb. " I wasn't happy".  But he never once told me about his feelings.   My 17 yo daughter heard it all and ran out of the house.   As he packed some bags I cried and asked why he had to go that night, before we could talk and tell our kids.  His girlfriend had ended thier relationship and he felt he had to return to her home that night or he would loose her.  "I love her. I cant live without her:.  As he left the house all he said to my daughter was, " Your mother needs you".  She cried.  My son came home from Penn State 2 days later and I had to tell him. He cried.  After being back at school 2 weeks he developed pneumonia, had to be brought back from school and took a medical leave.  He sleeps alot now.  I move back and forth between denial, guilt, rage and sadness.  I have lost 30 lbs and take medication for anxiety and sleep. I work 4 days a week and have little energy or interest to get out with friends or exercise as my therapist suggests. I journal, see a therapist and try to maintain a routine for the kids so we still feel like a family.   One hour I feel," I can do this",  and then the next I feel hopeless.   I feel very alone.

I Can See the End of the Tunnel.... - Molly - Jun 12th 2009

Hi Y'All!!

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  After 11 years of marriage, the last 9 certifiably sexually dead, and 2 kids....I decided to leave my Soon To Be X (STBX).  I had some major reconstructive surgery on my leg in the hospital...he refused to pick me up....and then left me stranded in my bed for days.  It took a few dear friends lots of screaming and yelling for me to see that all of the late nites, ignoring every major family event, ignoring and verbally abusing the kids etc did not exactly spell a happy family life.  And after a birthday and some long all-niters I decided to fix my life.  Yes I was really depressed for many many months, but now that he's about to move out and give me the signed divorce papers, my heart feels so much lighter, the kids are happier and hopefully we'll be able to spend a year or two rebuilding our lives and getting to a new equilibrium.  And I say this as a woman who has lost about 85% of my fair weather friends and who is prepared to go it alone (did i mention i'm self employed???) just for the chance to find happiness....not necessarily love....just happiness and joy in the everyday stuff.  And no I haven't met anyone, just trying to clear out the garbage to make way for whatever the universe may plop into my life.  I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel..........

Would have sacrificed my life - Very Hurt - Jun 9th 2009

My husband told me yesterday that he is moving out.  After that I found his ridiculous internet history once again looking at dating sites etc.  We have been married 10 yrs and have a 4 yr old and a 5 month old.  Honestly, the marriage really has been awful the entire 10 yrs.  Because it was never ended before kids, I made a commitment to do whatever it took to stay together for my kids.  I came from a divorced home and having step parents wasn't the happiest situation.  My heart is broken.  I cannot bear the thought having to share my kids or have days where they are not with me.  I was willing to ignore what I needed to ignore so that I could keep our family together. Even if that meant giving up my own happiness for the next 18 yrs.  Granted, I am not perfect but my husband is very verbally abusive as well as just overall perverse with his internet habits and I guess it does need to end.  If I did not have kids, honestly I would probably not try to maintain the marriage any longer as he is so verbally abusive I cannot take the pain anymore - and we are fighting in front of our kids and I just cannot let that happen anymore.  My biggest heartache of all right now is how my kids may be influenced when they are with him and God knows who else he chooses to be with. From what I have seen online, he doesn't have the highest standards.  It's all about sex.  I just can't seem to stop thinking about how difficult it is going to be for me not to control what my kids are subjected to when I am not around.  My kids are my life and I would give up anything for them - including my own life and happiness........

wow this hurts - soon to be separated/divorced - Jun 4th 2009

I have been married for over 15 years and we have 3 kids.  My husband just told me he wants a divorce, no counseling.  he has by all means been a terrible husband.....out VERY late (says he's at work, yeah right).....drinks way too much, mental issues...I honestly should have left him years ago...but we have the kids and one has a disability and I have wanted to be here for her.  I suspect he is having an affair--even though he denies it.  Several nights he didn't come home at all. Many nights around 2am.  I know how bad this is for the kids and myself, but the thought of not being there for them kills me.  I just think about it and start crying.   why am I grieving a horrible marriage??  I have the immediate worries of obtaining a job and health insurance and I have no energy to do so.  I am just crying all day and trying to pull it together when the kids get home from school. 

I am looking for stories that this will get better.  He says he is not 'in love' with me anymore just like someone else wrote, and won't give me any other reason.  I want the truth, but it doesn't look like I will get it.  That is a hard pill to swallow as the reason for a divorce in a marriage where I was always mistreated and was faithful for 15 years.  How will I ever trust another man again? 

Not sure how I will finish raising these kids alone either, while working full time--he never helped with the kids either, but I was able to be there for them 100%. 

Everyone says he was an A## anyway, I should not be sad, but I just can't shake the tears.  I am not one to cry ever, so this is awful..

Hoping it gets better for everyone else here soon.  I can't even tell most of my family and friends yet.

Ray - christy - May 27th 2009

Ray  I really dont know. My husband just told me 2 weeks ago that he was also seeing someone else. I feel your pain and cannot hardly stand another moment. Im sorry that this has happened to you and they say the rollar coaster of emotions is normal but believe me at this time I just dont know either.  My husband and I have a son but he is from my husbands first marriage (she died of cystic fibrosis when he was 2) Im the only mom he's ever known and last friday I had to go and get my things and leave a little boy thats only known me as a mother. I just dont know.

To Ray & "Where Do I Begin" - Lauren - May 21st 2009

I just read your comment today and it really impacted me.  I have not been through this myself.  My story is a bit different, but I can certainly identify with the pain you are experiencing. 

I am glad you found this site because it does contain some helpful and encouraging articles.  I have visited here today since my last comment "Blind Leading The Blind" because my situation has gotten so much worse with my husband.  He seems to be pretty determined to leave me and our children ages 12 and 13.  I have been married almost 26 years and my oldest son's birthday is this Saturday and mine is a few days later.  Needless to say, our household is a very sad and depressing place.

Back to you however... It is important that you understand that somehow you will get through this.  One thing that consoles me is that so many people like us have gotten through and can enjoy life again.  If they can do it, so can the rest of us who are struggling right now.

I will remember to pray for you Ray.  It cannot hurt, but hopefully help.

Kind Regards,

Lauren 

Where do I begin? - Ray - May 8th 2009

I've been happily married for almost 16 years. Last Saturday, my wife told me that she wasn't "in love" with me anymore and that she's been cheating on me for the past 2 and 1/2 years. She plans on leaving on May 30th to go live with "the other" in Indiana (I'm in Louisiana). What's hardest, is that we have 2 girls, one 5 and the other 1. She wants to take the kids with her. I know she can't leaglly take the kids out of state, so I have gotten myself a good lawyer.

I NEVER saw this coming. We have always gotten along, we hardly ever fight, we do things together as a family and our sex life has been pretty good. In retrospect, I realize now that she had been spending A LOT of time on the computer and on her cell phone, but I loved and trusted her so much, I just put myself in denial.

I feel so lost. I can't even function. Even daily routines seem to be a monumental task that requires every last ounce of my energy. I put on my best happy face around the kids. God knows, I don't want them to be hurt by what's going on, but my 5 year old is very smart and perceptive. She knows something's up. Eventually, we'll have to explain to her what's going on.

I don't want to lose my kids. I don't understand how my wife can rationalize that taking the kids 1000 miles away to live in an apartment she' s never visited (her and "the other" have only met up in hotel rooms in various cities between here and there) to live with a guy she only "knows" over the internet (she has only been with him face to face 4 times). I am in the best position to take care of the kids. I have a good job (been with the co. for over 17 years), I provide for them, my oldest goes to an EXCELLENT magnet school and all of our friends and family are nearby. If my kids go to Indiana, they have NO ONE except my wife and "Mr. Wonderful" who may or may not be a serial rapist, mass murderer, compulsive gambler, crack addict; the list goes on. My wife has NO job and NO money but swears that "Mr. Wonderful" will take care of the kids.

Gee, what a friggin' relief.

After doing research and talking to others with children who have been divorced, I've seen that child custody laws almost NEVER favor the father.

WHY????????

I know I'm not perfect, but I've NEVER given her a reason to cheat. I've never hit her or the kids, I've never cheated on her (never wanted to), I provide for her and the kids, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do illegal drugs, I'm not addicted to porn or gambling.

I guess nice guys really do finish last.

I run the gamut of emotions all day long. I wake up trembling and nauseated, then I cry, then I get angry, then I get determined, then I tell myself everything will work out, then I start all over again. I'm barely eating.

I feel so betrayed and alienated. Even when I play with my kids, I feel like I am alone. I'm almost sure I will need some sort of counseling.

Is there anyone out there with a situation similar to mine that has reached a point of recovery? If so, I would love to hear how things turned out for you. I once put my hopes and dreams of the future in my wife. Now that she's leaving, my future looks so dark.

Please help.

Blind Leading The Blind - Lauren - May 5th 2009

Hello to everyone.  I have read all of the posts and have really been touched with your pain and I want to thank you all for your courage in sharing the deepest parts of your hearts here.  I am praying for all of you.My own situation is quite difficult to describe.  My husband and I have been married almost 26 years(this June if we make it).  We have been in the ministry for all of that time...both of us ordained.  We pastor a small church and have 4 children and 2 grandchildren.  We both look too young to have all of this...but we got married young.It seems as if something snapped in my husband around his 44th birthday in September.  He has not been the same.  He has never been depressed or suicidal...but he has been struggling with these issues.  It seems as if he is exhibiting bi-polar behaviours.  He is feeling like a failure in every area of his life.We have been through so much in the area of ministry that has been extremely painful and have struggled financially.  These things, combined with my husbands past issues with me are threatening to destroy our marriage.  I have never been unfaithful...but I have spent most of our married life dealing with depression of which I am now free of.  My husband told me that he is trying to make me hate him and that he is wanting to divorce me.  He says that he wants to disappear into a hole and never come out.  Sexually it has been difficult for me because I have a strong sex drive and a desire for intimacy...my husband who always had a strong drive has very little interest.  It is difficult for me as a wife because I have a nice figure and am considered to be very attractive/beautiful.  It is strange for me that everywhere I go...almost 100% of the time I am told by mostly men (that I do not even know) how beautiful I am or how nice I look.  I do not want anyone to get the wrong impression...I do not dress in a seductive way...I save that for the bedroom...but I do try to look nice.  I have to really harden myself against these compliments...I want my husband to notice me!  I want his love and acceptance!  I am a godly woman and will not dishonor myself, my husband, or the Lord by having an affair.  I was a virgin when I married my husband and he is the only man I have been with.I appologize for rambling...just needing a safe place to share my heart.  I never believed we would be in this place right now.  I am embarrassed to say this...but we have been marriage counselors...helping other people with their issues and problems.  I am so frustrated because my husband knows what he needs to do and refuses to do it.  I am really trying to do everything I can...I am trying with the best of my ability and the grace of God to practice what I preach.  I am really making a concentrated effort to examine my own behaviour and take responsibility for it.  I did make alot of mistakes in the past...lots of regret I have of time wasted on selfishness.  The truth is...I cannot hit rewind and change the past...I can only make choices for today...right now...and do the best I can with God's help.If we get divorced the "ripple effect" wiil be devastating...our children...our church...It is not "reputation" that concerns me...but the idea that those we love the most, those we have counseled and helped will be hurt by this.My husband adored me once...but he is so cold and indifferent...every day is agonizing rejection.  I have researched Mid-Life Crisis and it seems as if this is what my husband is experiencing.  I guess I just don't want to accept that he does not love me anymore and refuses to meet me even 1/2 way.  You cannot make someone love you.  If I even say one sentence to him about anything that he is doing that has hurt me he gets very angry and shuts down and walls me out completely.  He refuses to talk.  Again we have worked with many couples on communication and working through issues...but sadly he is refusing to put into practice what he knows.Actions do speak louder than words.  His words on one hand is that he does love me and then when he is "triggered" and upset then he is plotting his excape and divorce agenda.  Every day is excruciating not only for me but for my teens that are still here at home. My teens are the best.  They are so kind, respectful, obedient, loving, and they do make me laugh! Amazingly they love God inspite of the hypocrisy they have seen.  The are the light in my world sent from God!  I am really hurting right now.  Thank you for taking the time to read this post.  Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

God Bless You All,

Lauren

Too bad, really - Mike - Apr 14th 2009

Please, for GOD'S SAKE, spell check anything you type here!It is IMPOSSIBLE to read this stuff with all the poor spelling. Giving up.  

understanding your pain - Kay - Mar 12th 2009

My husband out of the blue after 31 years of marriage said I want a divorce I also put what he wanted first in our life anything to keep him happy I am still trying to accept this I feel like I have been hit by a truck.We also have 2 grown children who have lost all respect for him not sure they will ever feel for him the way they used to , I guess we just have to keep taking things a day at a time ,I  suggest some professional help if possible it is helpful with the right person I keep telling myself I know I did the very best I could as it sounds like you did as well, I Keep trying to believe

Things will be better someday I hope and pray it will be this way for you to . 

Re:1 year of dating 29 years of marriage - - Mar 11th 2009

You clearly provided for her in terms of money and material possessions, but did you provide for her in other ways? Perhaps she felt she wasn't getting the emotional support she needed? Did you spend much time together doing things you both enjoy?

1 year of dating 29 years of marriage - - Mar 10th 2009

My wife of 29 years left me for another man. I placed her on a pedistal, gave her basically what she wanted, including travel, money, and even for our 25th anniversary, gave her a Mazda Miati (new). She basically left me for a handy man, who is married, and refuses to leave his wife and family for her. (What a man, NOT) I have been in missery for the past six months, and at most whimper like a baby at times. I fight my anger, I try to control the hate, as I know I will have an everlasting impression on our two grown children .Thus, my true emotions can not come out. For her, I hope she finds what she wants, to her boyfriend, I hope one day he'll be the man she wants, and for her to stop being his "other". she pays the bills, purchses the hotel rooms, etc. I need to stop anger, and I need to move on, but like a dog, I can't quite get it out of my sole to let go.

For our children, I can only hope they will forgive her, and remember she is still their mother. Both grown and have opinions. I do need to get over it and move on.

LOST - - Mar 7th 2009

my husband of 8 1/2 years left.... he wants his life back.  we just built a house, its not finished, problems with the builder, his work is stressful....he doesn't love me anymore....i'm 50, alone, in a house I can't afford...how do I cope??

This is some BS - Mike - Feb 23rd 2009
I recently got a divorce in Sept of last year.   It was a tragic situation.  I wond up in jail for two mounths (didn't hit her), homeless begging people for change on the corner.  I lost the house to her and my car.  I'm doing better now.  I have a new car an small apartment and make a little money but I went threw hell and high water.  Its been almost six mnths and I get extreamly mad about the situation but Its has been on the decline untill last week. My ex sent me a text message about doing the nasty. Than text me again and apologize and said she txt the wrong person. That relly pissed me off. I can't wait untill this shit is a distant memory.

Trying to figure out why. - Mark - Feb 23rd 2009

Where to start. I have been divorced for three weeks. My divorce happened in two days. I was married to my ex wife for 1 year and two weeks. This was my second marriage. Her sixth. I have no children she has two, a son 12 and a daughter 17. Soon after we got married she gave her daughter up for adoption to her parents. And her son confided in me that he was being molested at his fathers house.  Up until this point she was great to me. I had a difficult time accepting her son but I was trying. She engaged in court procedings with her third ex husband to change custody situation with him so that the boy would not have to go there. By May I had given her $7500 in atty fees to help her. We started to have serious arguments about the situation both with her obsession with court and the money. In July I asked her to fire the atty because we were out of money. She came home that evening and we argued.  I had been drinking and went to leave and the police showed up. They arrested me for DV and DUI. I had no Idea what was going on. a few weeks later she wanted to staywith me and the charges were dismissed. We gt back together in October. Well she won her case and I asked her to stop fighting and she set up two more court dates. At this point we had spent $15000 on fees plus my legal fees of $10,000. I loved her though and I wanted to have a child since I don't have any. The problem was she had her tubes tied. and she iws 41 seven years older than me. So in December she had the surgery to reverse the tubes. Our one year anniversery was Jan, 19th. A weekend were her son's dad wanted him to visit. even though it was not a sceduled visit. She refused to send him even though I asked her to send him and start our second year off better. Needless to say he did not go. I was devestated. We argued about it and she told me that she did'nt know it was that important to me. So later that week I came home from work to find a moving van outside. I asked her to stay and she agreed. As long as I would do for her son. I wanted more than anything to stay with her. I even got rid of my two dogs aI had for seven years that she did not like.  Well, 4 weeks ago we got a puppy, It botherd me to get one but I was watching it and taking care of it. She did not help and we had an arguement about me having to get up every night to take care of it when she wanted it. Then dreaded monday came. She told me to pick up her son at school if it was'nt raining and if it was her parents would. Well it was not raining at the time and I called her during the day to find out what to do and there was no response. I went looking for him and did not find him. She finally called me back at 4:30 to let me know that he was picked up. I was not happy. When she got home I told her to make a decsicion, either I was oing to be responsible for him or not. She told him to leave and get in the car.  When I went out side she was on the phone with the police. They came again and arrested me. I sat in the living room and listened to her tell the police I don't want anything to happen to him. Well, It did. because it was second time it became a felony, She went down to have them drop it again and told them it was a lie and that they could arrest her.  I later found out  that she has done this to many men before me. I sit waiting my fate and am angry that I got sucked in to this mess. I still love her but she is dangeous. Even my first wife called and said that she has pushed me over the edge many times and I never did anything to her. I feel lost and angry. I needed an outlet to vent my frustrations. If there is any reprocussions from her latest police adventures I may lose my carear. I am not too bitter though I know there will be some one else to share my life with. and I am lucky to get away from a crazy person without children. I think back to what her ex told me on the phone. he said you'll find out what she is all about.  I wish I saw it comming. Please pray for my job situation. and watch out for crazies.

Why? - Nancie Kaminski - Feb 16th 2009

I was married almost 3 year ago, I have just left my husband and filed for divorce, reason being.  2 weeks into the marriage I discovered a ton or porn in his computer.  I confronted him with it and he said he would stop.  Myself I thought he was a creep.  Now I'm 50 years old he is 59 years old.  I'm 5' 3" slim figure and I think I'm quite attractive, besides being very, very nice, I cleaned, cooked, helped with his business (I have a full time job) I did everything I feel I'm a very good wife.  But as the story goes on his problem with porn went on, I'm very sexual open, I would ask him what do you want, what do you like and so on, I dressed up, I roled played, I purchased toys etc.  He would watch his porn when I wasn't home and then masturbate to it.  He often told me he had an ED problem, in which I would work thru that with him and he would take Viagra to be with me, but didn't need it with the porn.  After 2 1/2 years of this, him lying about the porn and making up stories about it, I have had enough.  Besides the porn he also has a binge drinking going on.  Sitting alone in a room, no TV, no Radio just him and his drinks, I was not sure how to handle that.  But anyways he has lowered my self esteem to zip, zero.  I can't understand how you could have a woman that would do anything in the bedroom and still desire porn.  I'm very open, we often had watched it together and then made love, but he still sways back to the computer.  The watching of it was always my idea, just about everything in the bedroom was my idea, to bring pleasure.  He would lie about it when he was confronted by me and then make up something up, I couldn't stand the lies, the porn and the binge drinking anymore, I believe he was just avoiding embarrasment but He valued the porn more than a marriage and to me that was just not right.   We had a 1/2 million dollar home, no children between us, this is his 4 marriage and my second (I have two grown children that are in different states.  I left everything and just walked.  I would rather be poor and happy then miserable and rich.  He has since this e-mailed me with I love you and I miss you, but this is something I've heard so many, many times.  Thru our marriage, I had moved out of the bedroom 3 times.  He's always made me feel as if I wasn't good enough for him.  I have just had enough.  This situation is very sad for me, cuz the rest of my life I have left was promised to be happy by him and so far it's been nothing but problems.  I had put everything I had into building this house, I had sold my condo and my parents (that are in heaven) inheritance.  So I left with nothing, but my dog and my cat.  We also had gone to counseling twice, 6 weeks together and then each one of us on our own that was in the very beginning of our marriage.  He wanted to go again, but the first two times didn't work what was gonna make this time work.  I would like to hear everyone's comments cuz this does hurt me even though I'm the one that walked!!

It will get better - Allan N Schwartz - Feb 16th 2009

Tom,

Right now you are going through the shock of loss, feelings of betrayal, deep anger and rejection, and mourning. I am sure there is more than a small amount of self pity mixed in with all the other emotions. All of this is normal and to be expected. I say that without attempting to minimize your pain. Please know and be assured that things will get better. You need to give yourself time. Talk to your friends, both male and female. In fact, the more you talk about it the better. Talk to everyone you know, talk, talk, talk. It is very healing. Do not self isolate. Be with friends and family. Do not drink because that will only make you feel more depressed. Be assured that you will recover from this and, in the future, you will meet the right person for you.

Dr. Schwartz

doomed and lost - Tom - Feb 15th 2009
I am in hell and nothing will ever come to any good ever again. My wife of 3 years left 2 days ago after I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker of hers. I never imagined it could hurt so much. Someone please tell me it will get better.

love hurts - Mrs. Cano - Feb 14th 2009

so my name is crysti and im married to my husband eli. we have a beautiful daughter who is only about to be one year and has no fault for anything that has happened. at the begining of our relationship everything was fine, we met when i was working at a restaurant and he worked at the goodyear across the street.... well we moved in together after 6 months of dating and we were happy as ever so we waited another 6 months and then decided to have a baby, we failed and i cried my eyes out, he being the great guy he was at the time comforted me and told me we would keep trying and everything would be ok, so we tried again, and the day we found out i was pregnant we both cried tears of joy and we got married the very next month. so for a while we were happy and he was very excited that we were going to be parents. well time went by, he started working 2 hours away for more money and eventually for some strange reason i went through his phone once and all hell broke loose, all the times that i went through his phone he was texting to other bitches! i had always been a faithful wife to give and i was always happy to do anything for him, we lived in apartments where i didnt want to go to the laundry roon because even though i was pregnant there would always be perverted men out there trying to talk to me so there i was with my huge belly barely able to breath and i would be on my knees hand washing his clothes in the bath tubb.... not many girls do that! he had plenty of bill before i met him and when we moved in i decided to give him my entire check to help pay off his bills so that we together would not live in debt.... well time went by, he would always go out drinking with his friends and i always trusted him 100% and never doubted him. during the pregnancy he took care of me and i got sick a few times so he called off work and took me to the doctors and he was there for me.... when our little girl was born, he was there the whole time and i felt like the luckiest girl ever! well he then would keep going out, i wouldnt even be able to go with him to walmart cause he would use the excuse of the baby, its too cold, or its too hot, or its a hassle having to carry the car seat.... whatever i put up with it, then one day he kicked me out... i stayed with his sister and 2 days later he called and asked me to come back, then he kicked me out again, i stayed with my mom for 2 weeks and he asked me to come back just to change his mind the very next day... so then my attitude became a problem with my mom and when i said i wasnt living there by choice she said for me to leave, so i called my husband and he said to come home.... then he kicked me out again..... well he was seeing someone else. he likes her because she does things like going out drinking and pretty much what he enjoys the most is the drinking, i dont do that often cause i have responsibilities! i moved in with one of my co workers and he moved in with her, well we kept in touch cause my cell is under his account and obviously cause we have our daughter, well i ended up buying a car from a friend and hes a mechanic so he took a look at it and said it was a piece of shit so he told me to take over the payments for our car instead and he gave it to me and i gave the other car back to my friend. one day he dropped off my daughter at my job which is 3 businesses away from his, so we work near eachother again. well he tried talking to me and i just ignored him, so i was in the car on my knees strapping downthe car seat so my daughter would be safe and he slapped my ass, i turned around angry and told him not to touch me, then he tried hugging me so i pushed him away, later that night he sent me a text saying he wishes we were together and happy, the following week he wanted me back so i agreed, butthe day before i had sent his new girlfriend a mssg on my space talking shit about him, so while he was gonna tell her that hes done with her, she showed him the mssg and he got mad he told me to file for divorce and get child support, i was so scared to get on the freeway cause i really wanted to kill myself but i love my little girl too much to not grow up with mommy by her side, shes my ninnie me, she copies everything she sees me doing and i love that! so a few days ago i was talking to him and sure enought he moved out of her place we hung out we had sex again, but he confessed to me that hes not sure of who he wants to be with, he moved out from her place to think clearly and i was crying and again wantedto kill myself, but i didnt for my little girl.... well yesterday i bought him his valentine gift and dropped it off at his job with one of his friends that i know, i also dropped off today frames about family with our pictures in them.... his friend told me he just look at the pics andthen left them in the office and that he hasnt  opened the gift from yesterday.... i feel so stupid and devastated on a day like today! all my co workers are receiving flowers and here i am holding back the tears cause i know my marriage has fallen apart.... im done with him im cutting off all communication and im gonna make him realize how much family is worth, hes gonna regret it, hes already showed me that he wasnt completely happy with her cause he missed his wife and daughter, well the next time he wants me back hes gonna have to beg for forgiveness.... aside from all this i love him as much as always, and the only thing i want is to fix my marriage.... any advice to bring back my husband?????

Hectic RollerCoaster Ride! - Cat - Feb 9th 2009
My husband of 1 year (Lived together 8yrs), kissed me the Friday Morning telling me how much he loves me and that he will see me that night with Pizza.  He never came home. He phoned me the next morning, told me he wants out, he wants to drink and jol! He doesnt want to have a home, a wife, dogs and the picket fence life - THAT HE BOUGHT INTO!! Anyways, everyone tells you your better off without him, its his loss etc. etc. but Im still living in the same house with all the memories. Its like he died. He left me with all the remaining responsibilities and lots of bills. I have to rent out our beautifull home, find a new place while hes living happily with who knows who and jolling everynite. It all got a little too much for me so I tried to committ suicide this Friday! Its really hard! Suicide is not for sissies! So, he came home Saturday morning, found me on the bed covered in blood and drugged full of pills and he did nothing! Nothing! He shook me and asked me where he's money is.  He didint even take me to hospital. He just took his money and left me to die. I was found a couple of hours later by my mother who then took care of me.  You think you can handle and deal and then the emotions start taking over.  Im sorta happy I survived, and sorta happy that it happened because now I now what I married, and there is no hope of reconciliation. No matter what everyone says and how much advice they give you - its the voices in your head that you need to gain control over. What you think is what you become. The signs were there and I ignored them. I chose to see what I wanted to see. I tried changing a donkey into a stallion and thats also not fair on the Donkey. So, now I will have to dust off my riding boots and get back in the game of life. Its hard, but I take it one hour at a time!  

This too will pass... - - Feb 3rd 2009
I was married for 13 years.  In all those years, my wife had affairs with three male colleagues.  Whenever I confronted her about this, she used to tell me that I am insecure and jeolous, as they are just friends (I know it's wrong, but I was did some detective work and knew she was cheating).  I was not perfect, but was definitely committed and willing to work on my mistakes.  On one occassion, she dumped me and said degrading things about me in front of this so-called male friend when I confronted them at a coffee shop, and I still went back to her to ask for reconciliation.  One weekend, she dissapeared and left me with our 3 year old child to go away with a male colleague, and I still forgave her. On the last incident, she started alienating me emotionally and sexually whilst spending all her free time on the internet chatting and phoning her male colleague.  Even when I forgave her, she never really apologised.  She would tell lies, and I would want to believe those lies even when I knew it was nonsense, as I wanted to save our marriage at all costs.  I was addicted to her.  We eventually broke up, and I know it's good for me in the long-term.  My confidence is gradually coming back.  Now that she sees I am stronger and happy without her, she is trying to come back.  It's hard to resist because I still love her, yet I know she love is only interested in pursuing her own happiness irrespective of how much damage she can cause to me...  Everyday, I battle with these feelings of addiction.  Going back to her will satisfy short term emtional needs, but the long term emotinal damage to me will be terrible... On a daily basis, I assure myself that this too will pass...

Where do I go from here? - TPlum - Feb 2nd 2009

Hey there, I was reading some of the comments and I can surely relate!  I was married half my life to a man, that is 21 1/2 years and he decided he wanted a divorce because of my depression.  We owned a home that we bought and it was not even liveable but with time and money we made a nice home to settle into.  We had no children of our own but we did raise a lil girl for almost 4 years before our seperation.  She called us Mom and Dad and to us, she was our child.  We Divorced Aug 2008 and I am still grieving.  His girlfriend whom lived across the street, Amber Horner of Springfield Ohio has now made things even more unbearable and she finds it humorous.  She post pics on myspace of MY and MY HUSBANDS home stating in captions, OUR dining room, OUR bedroom, pics of kissing, naked in bed etc .  She thinks this is funny, Lovely person she is.  If I call my husband at the time she would answer and would not let me talk to him and say things like my family is now hers, just needless talk so my husband would call on his cell once he got to work.  Because we had no biological children, she thinks there is no reason for us to talk, but she talks to her ex everday because he is her boss and they have a child together, does this make sense?  She was only married a few years and has no clue as to a marriage  , He abandoned me in my greatest time of need.  We renewed our vows in 2004 so not only did he say I do once but twiced.  This floozy does not live in my home but she leaves her son acrossed the street alone and spends her nights in my home.  I gave my home to him beings I was not from that town and I came back to my hometown.  Thank God!  I did not get a lawyer and we did a dissolution but my mental state was not of one to make sound judgements and if I had to do over again and knowing this idiot would be doing what she is doing and him allow it, i would have gotten alimony for about 7 years (every 3 years your married is 1 year alimony), I would have made him sale our home, still took half of his retirement, which I took 3/4 for him to buy me out of my share of the house, which was not even close to what I had vested or what the home was worth.  Blood, sweat and tears was put into that home.  I just feel so confused and scared to death.  I am an RN so I was the sole supporter of our family even though he worked, I made more money than him.  Every dime I made went into that home.  I just feel so lost and alone and don't know where to even begin to pick up the pieces and go on.  I try and somedays I feel like I have made progress and then bam, the next day, I am right back to square one.  I was always made to feel like I was the other woman, the wife and the girlfriend was more like the wife, does that make any sense?  What right does anyone have to make a mockery of a marriage that lasted 21 1/2 years and find it humorous, This is what she does and laughs about it.  Karma will get her in the end.  My question is how could a person just go on and act like half their life never existed?  He says I live in the past, my god, he is all my past, my memories that are not going to just disappear quickly.  I am so hurt and feel so alone inside and have no one to talk to about my inner feelings.  I try to paint a smile on my face and act like I am moving on but deep inside I am miserably sad and grieving.  I believe in Karma and he does not but right after we seperated he had a heart attack, then in January he was told his company is going out of business by March and he has been there about 15 years, then the very next night he got a drunk driving charge because he went to a bar that SHE likes and her family goes there which we knew to never go out in that area.  She is his goodluck charm I guess.  I think a little Karma going on here.  He took total advantage of my mental instability and emotions and I lost BIG TIME!  Go to myspace.com and search for Amber Horner of Springfield, Ohio and you will see pictures plastered on her webpage of her and MY HUSBAND  before we were legally seperated or divorced and tell me how you would feel seeing this when it is someone you spent half of your life with!  I have met someone and I am trying to move on but it is very difficult because I have a HUGE wall because I will never allow someone to get inside my heart as deeply as him to only have it crushed in the end.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Nice to vent all that and believe me, there is more I would like to vent....

Alone and Lonely with a broken heart....

TJP

so painful - Matt - Jan 19th 2009

Was just served divorce papers from wife Saturday after she asked me to leave a week ago.  I knew this was probably coming and thought I was ready to handle it.  Not so. 

 Unfortunately I brought this mostly on myself.  I had a drinking problem that got progressively worse with time.  I was never verbally or physically abusive to her or the 2 kids (7yr old daughter and 4yr old son) but after a time she could not handle the emotional detachment brought on by booze.

 So I was given a few more chances, would stop drinking altogether for a few months at a time but each time I slipped up and bought a bottle she became more and more hurt until finally now.  I worked so hard raising those kids with her, and the idea of not seeing them regularly is excruciating and I'm already feeling the deep waves of depression at times. 

 So thank you for the forum and I appreciates everyones posts, it kinda helps to talk about it on here.

make sure you jump both feet in - Oliver - Jan 14th 2009

My Wife and I meet 6 yars ago and got married 3 years ago almost to the day.....now 2 weeks ago we both decided to go our separate way because we both felt unhappy in our relationship.....at the begginig it was great we were best friends even do we have a 10 year difference beteween us, we over looked that and became a great team....I do admit that at first her being 10 years younger scared me a ton, since I felt she was rushing into things and maybee she didnt know what she really wanted. Again I loved her so much I over came the fear....time went by and I got a phone call from a woman telling me that my wife was calling her husband 24/7....It was a slap to the face but again I forgave and moved on...I did everything I knew how to do to keep her happy and conftrable..always encouraged her and supported her as much as I could...my family took her in as one of theirs....With her family I did have some conflicts..nothing to hard to deal with...but about a year ago I landed a great job making more money than we could even spend...I got involved with the wrong crowd and disrespected my wife....never cheated on her...but did lie to her about what I was doing( like drinking with my friends etc) well she came to find out  several times about this and slowly started not trusting me....on the other hand every time I felt like I had done something bad I would go back to what she did to me and it felt as if we were even...now 2 weeks later were not even talking she left to Ohio with her sistser and left me to cope with all the bills and memories....well I still love her but even for me now its over...what I dont understand is how I gave her all the chances in the world and she just gave up..

Again my advise is jump both feet in and never hold back.

I can relate. . . - - Jan 13th 2009
I just read your post as I sit here at 3:15 unable to sleep like most nights.  Your story sounds so very similar to mine and for the first time, I see that I'm not alone in my pain.  A few months ago, I too, found out that my husband of 14 years was having an affair.  Actually, my 13 year old daughter had a keener sense than I, and was suspicious before me.  She actually found text messages on her father's phone that confirmed it for her.  Unfortunately, she held that information to herself before I learned the horrible news.  It has been so devasting.  I am still in a bit of shock over it.  We are in the process of a divorce and still living in the same house which makes it almost unbearable to deal with my grief.  It is also extremely difficult for my daughter who is very mad at her dad for breaking up our family.  My emotions are all over the place, but basically the pain, resentment, fear and uncertainty of our future is overwhelming.  I also stopped working for 8 years while raising our children.  I wouldn't have traded it for the world.  When I went back to work, it was for much less money as the job I left.  It was only supplemental to help us to extra things.  I can't imagine how I'll survive this and be able to continue on my own with my salary.  Just know that your not alone.  Stay strong and lean on friends and family for support.  I'm not the best at reaching out myself, but I have to in order to get through this.

Holidays are hard-during divorce - Christy - Dec 28th 2008

I will try to make this short as possible. In July I found out that my husband of almost 17yrs was having an affair and he actually brought this woman to my home. I was devestated to say the least. I met my husband 18yrs ago and he swept me off my feet and we got married 11months after we met. We had a great marriage (I thought) we have two beautiful boys. In 2003 we moverd 800 miles away to a very small town due to his job. I quit my high paying job at a company that I had worked at for 14yrs to move away from my family and job/career to be a stay at home mom. Then here we are 5 1/2 years later going through a divorce and no job. I have been trying since July to find a job with no luck. In the meantime I have my ex harrassing me about finding a job since he has to pay me family support. I moved out of our home due to the circumstances. My oldest son who is 14 will not have anything to do with his dad since his dad had put him in the middle of his affair and was very nasty to him. Only rcently did my son start to go over to his house but just today he blew up at my son and tried to get him to lend his new girlfriend his snowboard(yes a new girlfriend- he has since broke up with the one who broke up the marriage- actually we both had a part in that. I know that he has been so  awful to me but I can't help blame myself for the end of the marriage, thinking  if I had been a better wife he wouldn't have had to look elsewhere. But he was not man enough to come to me to say there was a problem. As I look back I can now say I don't have to put up with the verbal abuse( yes he was very verbally abusive to me and actually hit me once in front of our olderst child.) I thank all of you for your supportive stories letting me know there are people out there in the same kind of pain as me. I am hoping that in 2009 I can accept the fact that my marriage is over and that my ex has moved on. I will never let someone into my heart like I did just to have someone stick a knife in it and I feel as though a part of me died. In Jan. my divorce will be final and I will have to move on. Does anyone have any advice to as how I can not feel so helpless and depressed.

Deal with my Ex - wendy - Dec 17th 2008

I know that we-women- can be hard to deal with as ex-wives but in this case not so much. I married for the wrong reasons but got two wonderful kids out of it. Basicly my ex- and i came from two differnt worlds- mine church going always put familt first- good east texas girl. My Ex: ranchers-hunting drinking-fishing -drinking ...drinking parting- drinking. So needless to say after 3.5 yrs of marriage and i have two of the kids he now has total 7 that we knew of in 1999.  His oldest is now 21 and has two banys - my two kids- 1 with his new wife and then he signed over rights for the others to the moms. We got divorced. So why do you ask that i am now or asking for advice after all of this time 9 yrs and two years trying to get the divorce so really 11 yrs. 

Cause he is driving me crazy!  He hide for the longest time that he works for a new company and only by a slip up from his new wife did i find out what the name of the company was. Then i ask him for more child support due to his higher income. He is working out of the country and they threated to revolk his passport if he did not show up to court. While in town he did not call our kids to talk to them or even take them to MacDonalds. If my kids want to talk to him they have to call him he never calls them. He is now coming home for the holidays and told me that he is not going to pay me while he is on his break.  I have had enough of his crap. I have e-mail his HR POC at his work via e-mail and called the ATT General Office he has to miss apayment before they do something. At am at a point that i just don't even want the kids to go over there to see him. The last time they saw him they had a huge party and all the aldults got drunk and he ran toin theur house with his truck and his wife triped and busted her head open and had to be driven to the ER by a 16 yr old kid. 

How do i deal with this ? My kids are 13 and 12 they know that we do not get along- hate each other! What should i do?

Need advice please?

Eric; I wrote - Eric Robichaud - Dec 14th 2008

If you scroll to June, you will find my story.; By the way, Thank you so much Tyson, for your comments, because they were so true and right on the $, that six months later...After the Denial that I went through, the pain, grief and anger..I finally began to think of what my life was going to look like, without her. I am only 40 and very fit. I have five kids to keep me busy, as a matter of fact, I started the first kids baseball league here in Northern Israel.  I started to feel confidence and fredom that I had not felt for way too long...What do ya know! She wants to try to fix it all. When I needed her most, she turned away...Now I finally feel whole and she wants to cling again. All that is left is the intense sex that we have, every once in a while...But I must be strong enough to end this, once and for all.

Thanks to all of you for the empathy that I sought in the wrong place for, for too long...It's in here. If you are in pain and feel alone, read about what others are going through.

You are not alone and IT WILL PASS!

In a hard place - Sally - Dec 12th 2008

This is my first post to this site.  I am again in a familiar place as my husband and I nearly divorced 6 years ago.  My head is clear and I'm not the party girl and we're not the party couple anymore.  We essentially co-habitate.  I am torn between remaining a co-habitant or regaining my self again.  I feel tremendous guilt about breaking up the family.  My 2 young children of course want me to stay but I am doing a major dis-service to them by raising them in an unloving and destructive environment.  The problem is getting the courage to act on it.  My husband is much like a cat in that he comes into the family room when and if he feels like and usually stays for less than 30 minutes.  He eats dinner with us and as soon as he cleans his plate he departs to his computer room.  It is all very sad to me and I feel a lot of unhappiness.  Then there is the verbal, emotional and mental abuse.  It is something I've been so accustomed to that it does not seem abnormal anymore except when he does it in public or within  an earshot of a stranger and they look our way. I get embarrassed because I think that person is thinking "why is she with him?"  We share no intimate moments anymore.  Often, I am repulsed by his presence and I have to go into another room.  On the weekends, I prefer to work than to be home with him. I get no help with household chores (execpt garbage) and only bad mouthing about my poor housekeeping. I never thought I'd be one to stick it out like this. I guess I learned from my mother.  She did the same thing essentially.  I'm glad I found this site.  I know I am not alone.  I'll post again soon.  Hopefully I'll be in a better space next time.

Still Hurting - - Dec 7th 2008

I have known the man I am about to divorce 7 years. It is my second marriage. Ours was a whirlwind romance. It seemed so special, he was so attentive, caring and loving. It sometimes felt unreal. After a few months together, I became aware of his anger outbursts. At first he reassured me that they would never be directed towards me, and I had no reason to doubt him. How wrong I was. It was after I had moved in with him that the violence was directed against me. Despite all this, I still loved him and went on to marry him, as he pushed and pushed for us to marry. No sooner had we married than he lost interest in me and any future we might have. I left him after a few months and had to try to rebuild my life. He gave me no financial support, and continued to live in the house that we jointly owned. I have never stopped loving him despite the relationship being so disfunctional. He was recently diagnosed as suffering from bi-polar disorder. out of a sense of love, guilt and loyalty towards him I have continued to stay in touch with him. We have lived apart for 3 1/2 years, but I have been a regular visitor and we have continued to sleep together. I have had no desire to find another partner. Suddenly, with no warning he said it was over and he wanted a divorce. I suspect he has got another lover, although he won't admit to it. I am devastated, and feel such a sense of loss. I also feel angry, betrayed and so hurt that my whole time spent with him seems to have been such a waste of time. I feel a failure that this, my second marriage, has been in his words to me "a huge mistake". Despite living apart for the time we have, the wound is deep and open. The thought of the ongoing divorce proceedings fills me with dread.

emotional unstable - Barbara - Dec 5th 2008
My husband asked for a divorce in March during that period of time i wanted to commit suicide 3 or 4 times because I felt hurt.  I seem to go over the edge everytimes something negative happens.  The last incident is when he didn't want me and that was 8 month a week before are 11 anniversary that I want sex because it would make me feel better.  Well when he deny me the sex I wrote a letter and took some pills.  Well because of my incident I lost my son.  I was wondering if any one knows how I might get him back.  They are saying I am emotional unstable. Well personality disorder is a common sign of not happy being in a negative atmoshphere well its tru e my body went into severe pain because my husband was so negative to me that I lost the business by 60,000 in debt bercause I was convinced I couldn't do it because he told me I couldn't so I want my son back because of my sickness I get him taken away.

My husband is going to file for a divorce. - Please Help Me!! - Dec 2nd 2008

I haven't even been married for 5 years yet (it would be this January).  I don't want to get divorced, but he has been telling me that he has wanted to as a threat since we have been married and never did it. This time it's real.  What do I do?  Not only is he everthing to me emtionally, but in reality too.  I am one of those "foolish" wifes who gives her paycheck to her husband and he does the bills, balances the checkbook, organizes my 401k etc.  We even live in HIS apartment.  I am dependent on him and it's my fault I made it that way, now that he is leaving me, I don't know what to do first.  Since we haven't made 5 years and gosh knows what he is going to state on the divorce record as the reason, I feel like I am entitled to nothing and I will bascially have nothing in every sense of the word. 

I know this sounds so unemotional, but if I put down all my hurt and terrible feelings, this entry would be endless, and I know no one would be able to help me with that.

I just need to know where I start.  How do I get a lawyer?  How can I afford one if I have no money of my own?  Where am I going to live in the meantime?  Since it's the end of the year and I have no more days off from work, how am I supposed to take time off to move or go to court?  Plus, on top of everything else I am scheduled for much needed dental surgery this thursday, should I continue to go through with that and use the joint account for payment?? 

 Please help!! I am so lost right now!!

Mosaic Pieces of Me - Sara Huizenga Lubbers - Nov 30th 2008

Mosaic Pieces of Me

Perfectly Imperfect Mosaic Me

Once Upon A Time…there was a Little Me…So innocent, so fragile…so pure…

Perfectly created, perfectly shiny…perfectly new…

Perfect neat or naughty…perfect messy, perfect happily just being me…

Such a free litle girl who danced through her life, giggling without reason, loving

without hesitation, trusting without any reason not to…perfectly loved in an unconditional

way…perfectly safe, perfectly protected from what someday would come my way.

Free to imagine how great I’d become, to daydream almost always, to be scared of the night and terrified of forever…free to be silly, free to spill my milk, to sometimes be flighty, usually messy and often late…a fragile piece of blown clear glass with nothing to hide, nor to hide from…free to be perfectly imperfect me.

One day older plus many days more…my perfect, some older. fragile glass self was gentley taken off my safe shelf.

And my happy go lucky, ignorant youth, happily skipped into a far from perfect, fallen world.

So I got chipped a little, scratched a lot, but polished up quickly without too much harm due…until…there was you.

Did you notice my beauty then, the first time we met? How truly transparent I was? I had nothing to hide then nor anything yet built up on me to hide it with…do you remember how pristine the glass was before the first time you touched me?

And…I can’t help but wonder…did a part of you ever pause before you put that first smudge on me? Did you not know then how ugly you’d find the dirty, cracked glass of your creation? Or had you always planned to break your promise to be ever so gentle with easily breakable, delicate me?

And the last time you left me, when right before you left…well, why didn’t you just leave? Why did you first have to find me…to hurt me again.

You grabbed me from that dusty shelf that I was hiding on, why did you hate me? You eagerly, almost with pleasure shook me and then you…you smashed me on the floor.

I used to wonder…what made you so mad at me? Whatever was it that made you not even want me enough to keep kicking me around? Of course then I remember, the word that I said, to bring on even greater rage from you…you really don’t like it all, do you?…When someone says ‘STOP’ to you…

So you threw me and I violently crashed…I exploded, I shattered…you decided to put an end to my story that day. The delicate work of clear blown glass, the little me I once was…now just a million different pieces of sharp and jagged glass, each one bleeding their own unique shade…right there, where you left me, upon the dirty floor.

Did you ever consider pausing before you quickly walked away? Did you ever think about cleaning up that mess that you had made?

But you don’t write my whole life’s story and it wasn’t your decision to say The End.

So the millions of pieces of shattered glass upon the floor each now displaying the millions of forever stained shades from the colors they bled before…they got up, they moved on, they live now, so damn much better than before.

Did you think that I’d just be swept up, quickly thrown away? Did you think that was the last of the once prized trophy you tried to destroy that day?

And now…if you could see me, how stunned you’d truly be, so taken aback by my intriquite beauty, by the better me, now me.

It’s really quite a miracle, it even surprises myself…to live my cherished presence, to love who I am today…because, well…there’s just so much more to me now, in part because you smashed me to the floor that day. Who would have thought, not you, I’m sure…the result of your destruction…would end up blooming into something greater than we could have ever imagined?

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy and it took more than just me…to create this breathtaking showpiece that you still most likely just haven’t the sight to see. I’ve finally come into myself, moreso of who God always intended me to be…only His Design could turn a million shattered pieces into a whole, complete…perfectly perfect me.

And now…when the light shines through me, the colors that I once bled…they reflect a million different shades of light…an irredescent mix of me, the reflection of how I choose to display the entirity of me.

Sometimes, this gift, this light…it shines outside of me, magically finding and seeking the darkened paths of those most in need. And I am so blessed to have this light, to be able to share it…the joy, the gift to do so…well, to you…I can’t explain, but…it gives back so much more, makes such an even brighter me!

So that’s me…perfectly imperfect. The clear, transparent glass you once destroyed now lives out loud with so much to give, reflecting God, shining forth His Grace in a myriad of amazing, most colorful ways…

It’s just..beautiful…and…It’s Me!

Perfectly Imperfect Mosaic Me

by Sara Huizenga Lubbers

Filed last week - Tanya - Nov 28th 2008

I filed last week.  Exactly 5 months after I found out that my husband of 15 years had a mistress and secret love child.  He has been with the mistress for 5 years and I did not have a clue.  It has been absolutely devistating to me and my children.  He claims that he still loves me but has treated me worse since I fould out than he has the entire marriage. I forgave him for his infidelities but yet, he continued to hide things such as phone bills, email, money, etc. He claims thta I am trying to control him bu seeing his "things." Am I bveing to controlling by asking to have proof of his whereabouts and finance given the situation? Maybe I forgave him too easily.  I am so hurt and I fell like divorce is my only choice.  I would love to repair the marriage but only if he is willing to be transparent. 

Getting divoced...but still intimate - - Nov 25th 2008

I asked for a divorce in Septemember, because I found intimate chat conversations with him and other women, its not the first time. He had done it physically, and online several times. It is now november and even though he has moved out we still are intimate from time to time. He has "friends" now, and that kills me, I don't understand how i let myself be intimate with him or why it hurts so much to know that he has "friends". I feel like my heart is being ripped out and stopped on, and we haven't even filled the papers yet. Where do I find the strength to get past him, and get through this divorce

it's really tough, but you have to believe it will get better - - Nov 25th 2008

As I approach what would have been our 25th anniversary on Dec 31st and instead look to sign divorce papers before year end and spending the holidays alone with my kids and face being 50 and realizing it's pretty hard to date at this age, I can't help but get pretty sad.  It's been 2 years since he moved out, saying he loved me dearly but his needs weren't being met.  Come to understand this means I'm not 25 and idolizing him all the time.  Kind of tough with 3 kids, house, job etc.  I spent the better part of a year in bed and now fight depression everyday, with exercise, new job, etc.  The part I can't take is coming home to an empty house when he has th kids, it's unbearably sad and lonely.   I put on a smile, try not to get bitter, be healthy  and keep hoping it will get easier, but it doesn't seem to, especially around the holidays.  The pain is palpable and my heart goes out to everyone coping with it.

Strength - AD - Nov 24th 2008

I was married for 13 years before we divorced (August 2008) and being an independant woman, I thought I could cope with being single. It's not the finances I am referring to but being lonely. I am surrounded by people I love but many a times even in company, I feel lonely and isolated. We divorced cos out marriage had run it's course and we both were looking at different things to complete our lives. Although we cared deeply for each other, we were not in love with each other. He also needed to find himself so we both agreed to divorce after three years of band aiding our marriage. I am supposed to be a strong minded and independant woman yet I feel so vulnerable and lonely. I exude happiness and togetherness of myself to all the people around me as that's what's expected of me yet deep down inside, I am hurt and lonely. I do not want pity from people around me as divorced women have this "needy stigma" attached to them. Men are only too willing to help me get over my marriage but I am not looking for mini marriages or a relationship on the rebound or better still as the 20% in the 80/20 principle wrt affairs!! I am frustrated and unhappy with myself with where I am now. My only child is coping well as I do not let him see that other unhappy side of me. I cry in the shower and when he's asleep or not around so that he does not see me unhappy and sad. I am not sure where I will find the strength to continue and pull myself together. I've never been in any emotional turmoil as taxing as what I am in now. Will it get better and when??

My husband and I have decided to separate and file for divorce - Hard to cope - Nov 24th 2008
My husband and I have decided to separate and file for divorce afer 7 years of marriage. I believe we were different people in the beginning of the marriage then who we we've become now. The marriage has been deteriorating for some time so it was bound to unravel. We have drifted apart due to differences in priorities. We don't have any children yet I believe having a family is an essential part of life where as he is more ambitious and therefore career-driven. We have moved several times during our 7 years of marriage including relocating for his career. I believe you need to sacrafice and put your needs aside at times when it comes to your loved one but when you are doing all the giving and don't receive anything in return; THAT is when it becomes tough. The company that my husband had relocated to laid him off along with several other employees due to streamling about a year ago. We decided to move back to the city we originally lived to be closer to family since he no longer had a job and he was working from home. During that time period, he was offered an opportunity for employment in a different city about 2 and a half hours away afer we both decided to purchase a condo. He did not make an effort to look for a job in the city that we bought the condo in and decided to move again to advance his career. Although he argued that he did not have a choice if he was to help out with the mortgage. We ended in a situation where we've been living apart for almost a year now. Our living arrangement has taken a toll on our relationship and now we've come to the realization that we need to separate for the sake of our sanity. My husand wishes for me to move there to be with him  and rent out the condo although there is no guarantee that he will not get laid off agin. He has stated that there will be no hope for the marriage if I don't move yet I have moved for him several times in the past. He is basically stating that the marriage is over if I don't agree to his decision. We both agreed that the marriage is over and it is to both our benefits if we file for divorce. That decision was made on my B-day 11/22/08. I definitely would not call it a Happy B-day.

Still Struggling - Brett - Nov 21st 2008

I will do my best to make my story brief:  My ex-wife and I were married for 16 years.  We knew each other for now 20 years, half my life.  We have two kids.  Yeah, I really did love her and I still do.  But, she changed!  Well, I found out who she really was, that I really did not know her.  Things started to unfold after Katrina.  She had been living a secret life.  I was her loyal, faithful supportive and trusting husband.  She had an additional wild side that went out of control.  She was having affairs, she left a huge unknown debt to me, all this while she insisted on handling all the bills and finances because she declared that she was better at it than me because I would cancel even cable tv to save some money. Our house was flooded.  We lost all our contents, pictures, memories.  Our family moved away.  She found a new family and remarried three months after the final divorce decree.  I turned into a mess.  Still am after 2 1/2 years from the separation/divorce.  I didn't want it.  I guess she did me a favor by leaving me.  I know I was too good for her.  But now I am so messed up from this that I can't be good for anyone else who really deserves me.  I would never cheat.  I never did.  I never will.  She was flaunting the affairs in my face, packing sexy teddies to go away to what she called classes for the weekend and coming back smelling of smoke, while I cared for your two kids in a FEMA trailer.  I have taken the path to become more of a Christian while she has become a humanist, she lives for herself.  She parties with her adult friends and family on the weekends while I have the kids.  I am so lucky to have the kids EVERY weekend.  I pay my ex-wife child support because she prefers to show as little income as possible for filing her income taxes so she pays nothing, while the kids have this poor lifestyle.  My ex lives in her husband's mother's home.  The place is filthy.  Her new husband can't even support her OFFICIALLY so he works under the table.  He is supposed to be on disability although he plays very hard.  They do all kinds of outdoors activities on the weekend.  He drinks, smokes, is covered in goth tattoos.  There is more but what is the point?  It really isn't all that bad.  I have been able to get the finances straightened out, so at least I have something to offer.  But I don't want to have my net worth cut in half again.  I don't want to go through this all over again:  I don't want to have my kids taken away from me half of the time and I don't want to have to suppliment someone elses income unless she stays as my wife.  I guess I should get use to just being single.   This sucks.  Being alone.  But at least its better than being trapped in a marriage that you think you need to keep while she is spending all your money, maybe stashing some away, giving it away to boyfriends, and cheating on you.  There are some very good women out there, not perfect.  Why can't we find each other?  And if we did, could we really love each other after all this crap we have had to go through?  You may change.  I may change.  Oh, I know we will.  Will we change together?  Don't know.  May never know.

WE CAN GO THROUGH THIS TOGETHER. PLEASE BE STRONG !!!! - - Nov 20th 2008

Please my friends. Be strong. My divorce was finalized today...Somehow it hurts... The material evidence of the end. Please Shan, don't give up life. Nobody is worth this.... You will be happier in a few months and this period will be nothing but  sad memory. PLEASE HANG IN THERE..... WE CAN DO THIS....For every door God closes, he opens a new window. WE WILL ALL SURVIVE THIS.

Very Sad and Hurt - - Nov 19th 2008

I read all of your comments and I too am struggling with a divorce.  I am 43 years old and I have been with my husband for 27 years.  We began dating in high shcool when we were both 16.  We have been married for 23 years.  I thought I was happlily married and I was completely blindsided when my husband told me two months ago that he had been having an affair with a women who was a friend of ours.  He does not like to call it an affari because he say they are in love.  He said he had not been happy in years and he never had any say in anything we have ever done and the only way we stayed married all that time and was remotely happy for him to do whatever I wanted.  I cannot even begin to express how completely and utterly devestated I was.  This person is not the man I married.  I don't know who he is anymore.  He said we needed a seperation that he needed to heal himself and get himself together.  He has never asked for a divorce.  He has moved into his own apartment and he is still seeing this person so I have no choice but to file for divorce myslef.  I cannot continue to stay married to someone who admits another relationship.  The divorce is not what I want but he refuses to go to counseling with me and will not give up this other relationship.  I am feeling much better now that I was.  Ihave passed the mad and angry phase and now am just totally heartbroken and very sad.  I have loved this man practically my entire life.  I have never been with another man and frankly the thoughts of dating and having a relationship with someone else is terrifying.  We have three children who are 21, and twins that are 18.  It is hard for me to face the reality of the situation.  My life was exactly the way I wanted it to be.  We both have good carerrs, we have a nice home, we spent all of our time together.  Even he says that our love for each other nor our sex life has anyting to do with what is happening.  We have had some financial difficulites in the past but we have alwyas worked thru them and I felt as though we always worked as a team on everything.  I don't blame the other woman.  She is not the reason for this divorce, but just a condition of the problems my husband has.  He made the choice to cheat and the blame cannot be placed anywhere else.  So, even though I love this man and probably always will, I am forced to let him go even though it is ripping my heart out.  He will not make any commitments.  He says he is no good for anyone until he can make things right with himself.  He says he can't give me what I want (for him to come home, us to work out what differences we have and recommit to our marriage) and he says he can't give her what she wants (a life with him).  He says he is not prepared to do this.  I can't wait around for him to decide between us.  He has had over three months on his own and he should be able to make some decisions by now.  I have talked with my children and they understand that even though they know that I still love him and that I have tried to get him in counsling that he is seeing someone else and that I cannot tolerate.  All of our friends and family were completely blindsided just like me.  Everyone has said that we were the last couple they would ever had expected to break up.  We have alwyas been a vrey loving and affectionate couple.  I have decided that it must be part mid-life crises, part issues from his childhood and a few issues with us that have pushed him.  He desperately needs conseling for himself.  I have done all that I can do to save this marriage therefore divorce is my only other option.  I feel like he will regret his decisions one day but it will be too late for us.  All I ever wanted was for him to love me and me to love him and for us to grow old together.  I am a strong person and I know I will get thru this.  I have great friends and family.  There are good days and there are bad days and I know it will take a long time for me to get over.  It will be so hard to let him go emotionally and even physically for for my own sake I have to.   One of my friends sent me the following statement I think it is so true and maybe it will give you all reading a little boost.

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't, and believe that God allows everything to happen for a reason.  If you get a chance, take it.  If it changes your life, let it.  Nobody said life would be easy, God just promised it woud be worth it.

From faith comes resilience.  Faith make things possible, but it doesn't make them easy.

All of you out there take care of yourselves and know your self-worth.  Even though it may not seem like it some times life will go on and it will be good again.

It's tomorrow. - montreal - Nov 19th 2008

Well, I am 25 and have been separated for two years. I was with my ex for 3 yrs in total, we were married for 6 months.  I found a new partner after my separation and currently, we live together.

My ex and I  have a friendly relationship, he too found someone else.

We are going to his lawyers tomorrow to finalize a divorce.

I left him because I had realized that he wasn't the right man for me. I know, 6 months too late right.

I grieved and got over it. But just recently I was served with divorce papers * I knew they were coming* But for some reason it hurts.  I guess the finalization hurts the most. My current partner is extremely supportive and loving. 

I guess with the reality of the divorce I am filled with alot of doubt. For some reason, it has just hit me lately. I've been feeling completely alone in this process and depressed. I dont know anyone my age who is going threw a divorce. And unlike most, neither me or my ex cheated on each other and we did not have children, so it's a different story.

I dont know how to explain how I've been feeling lately.

I feel weird.

You can out of being married, but you can never get out of being divorced.

I guess I just feel too young to be going threw all of this, it is alot to cope with. 

Looking for answers! - - Nov 13th 2008

I came out here looking for help and feeling like ......for I too am going through a divorce. 

2008 has been a tough year.  My Husband walked out in March of this year.  He left with hot checks bouncing and no money coming in.  I have been disabled for 6 years or better and he had just lost his job.  My SSI hadn't yet came through and my long term dissability had run out.  I did not know for two and a half weeks that he had lost his job.  That is not until the bill checks started to bounce.  As I said he left no food in the house no food for our animals and not much money left in savings.  I drained the savings account and turned to my mother for assistance.  My older children moved in to help keep the utilities paid and some of the bills.  In late May my SSI came through and I soon received my back pay.  Which according to my dissability insurance policy, the majority of the back pay went to them.  However, this was not the first time he had walked out when things were rough.  So I paid all the bills current, and continued to let him throw his temper tantrum.  In June 2008 I was served divorce papers.  DEVASTATED, MADD, allot of emotions.  I couldn't beleive what I was reading, he wanted eerything, even the paintings and furnishing that we decorated our home with!  So I went and talked with two layers retained one.  And basically was told that unless I could prove I could afford to pay for the house and truck I would need to move.  I was not due any spousal support in the state of Texas because we had not been married ten years.  Out 15 grand, needing to move by August 16, 2008.  I tried several avenues to come up empty every time.  I curently live with my daughters and son-in-law.  It's the best we can do, as the lawyer cost money and my husband....He's let the house go into forclosure, and is just being very difficult to deal with.

As I said, I came looking for help, when God had already given me the answer.  1 Peter chapter 2.  3 wasn't to bad either.

Sometimes lifes' not fair and we do not understand the WHYS.  But always know that God loves you and is there for you no matter what.  And that forgiveness and time heals all wounds.  Trust in God for if he closes one door he intends to open another.

Sincerely, Trina

I'm going throught the same thing - - Nov 12th 2008

I'm really sorry you are struggling. I too am going through a divorce. We dated for four years and have been married for tenyears. We have two young children and now my husband has moved in with another woman who is independent, has her own money,is 3 years older than him and no kids!  It's a terrible feeling I feel so betrayed. He filed for divorce in July and never consulted with me first nor wanted to go to a marriage counslor. A horrible feeling.

I don't want to live the pain is so bad - Shan - Nov 11th 2008

I know my marriage is over. He's off cheating on me in another city and knows I am falling apart, but doesn't care to check on me or the kids. This is my whole life. My family was my career and now I will have none. I will be alone. I don't want to live. The pain is too great.  How do you survive this period where you either want to die?

The fish loves the bird, but where are they going to live? - - Nov 2nd 2008

Well, since my friends have their own lives and are noticeably tired of listening to my sorrows, I decided to look for support groups online and here I am. I can say I feel your pain and I am going through the same agonizing experience as you are.

Let me start by saying that, for the most part, I was unhappily married for 7 years.  We did have good moments and good intentions…However, the lack of companionship and same interests were evident from the beginning, and we ended up growing apart, and I mean, so far apart that I looked back and could not see him anymore.  Since we did not enjoy each other’s company, we started going out with our own friends (separately), going on trips separately, (we never cheated on each other though), even TV shows – we did not manage to enjoy one single show together. When we did do things together, a silence and a lack of excitement were always present.

During the first two years of marriage, when things were not going well, I thought to myself: "This is just a phase, things will get better, we are getting used to each other".   Then, I started to realize that things perhaps would not get any better because we just didn’t have the same interests, and we were not compatible. Still – We kept trying and trying and hoping that one day things would improve.  

6 months ago our optimism finally ran out and we decided to separate. Strangely enough I did not see that coming. I thought we would try forever and one day, miraculously, we would manage to make the marriage work.  Leaving the house was the worst part. Saying goodbye is SO HARD, even when you are not happy. We both cried and I left. Then, this week I signed the divorce papers and I had an inexplicable breakdown. That piece of paper was the material evidence that it was over. How can this be over?  Why couldn’t we make this work? Why didn’t we tried – yet, one more time?  

I know we will heal eventually, and maybe we will then realize that we are both good people, good people that did not work out well in this role of husband and wife. Still So hard to let go!

long overdue - Garry - Oct 12th 2008

after starting a devorce 5 years ago thne having a little girl i razed taken from me by her mother , and looking tofind her for over three month , then all the court proceedings , now waitingfor an apeall , this has been so devastaeing , not only to me but to a woman i meet and suported me emotionally , unfortunatly i found myself falling into all teh pitfalls and rund a relasionship for a wonderfull woman , . god i wish i had worried more about taking better care of me going threw this reather then dealing with stresses on after the other , like being the target at a shooting range

I am now in counceling ot deal with all the emotion that have come up in me becouse of this , and now one my own , i realized to late this is what i need right now ,, to deal with "me"  so nowi an tryingot learn how to make a life again , and how to cope without taking down teh few friends i have , and not life this every second , ther was never a chance to heal , i  went from devoce , to another failed relsionship, then to the abduction of my dauther, ther phynacal devastation, and now another failed relsionship all becouse i did not take the time to do what i needed to ,,, well no time like the presnet as they say

I thought I was alone - J - Oct 11th 2008

I see so many men here who have had the anguish of this year of 2008 hit them too. Divorce. We were married for 6 years and dated 1 year. In the end it was over. She left me telling me she did not love me anymore.

I raised her son from her first marriage. We could not have kids as she could not anymore. It has devestated the stability of my life. I to don't even know who I am anymore. This started in May and she moved out 2 months ago. Since then I have had so many ups and downs. I never did drugs, alcohol, cheated etc. I stayed true in that sense. I paid all the bills, stretched myself to my limits finanacially. Because she would never contribute to the bills around here. She worked too! But her money went to her horses etc.

She was never emotionally there for me. Always acted like that was a mental thing to be there for your spouse. She was cold. We didn't even sleep in the same bedroom much anymore when we moved here. Just insensitive.

I could go on. But I want you others out there to know that you are not alone. Divorce is common sadly.

This was my first marriage and now first divorce. I to have delt with so much guilt and anguish over it. I have really beat myself up over it.

Your all in my thoughts.