Resources  email page print page Basic Information Introduction to AbuseAbuse DefinedTypes of AbuseDomestic Settings of AbuseInstitutional Settings of Abuse and Hate CrimesRecognizing AbuseEffects of AbusePost-Abuse Vulnerabilities Why Do People Abuse?Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?Changing Attitudes About AbuseIf You Are An Abuser...If You or Your Children Are Currently Experiencing Abuse...Abuse - If You Have Been Assaulted or Raped...If You Are a Third Party to Abuse...Preventing AbuseAfter the Abuse Has EndedAbuse Reporting Resources More Information 'The Magdalene Sisters' as an Illustrated Abuse PrimerAbuse Reporting ResourcesAn Abuse Victim’s Story: Beaten By Boyfriend, Then Burned By The CourtAn Interview with Daniel Sonkin, Ph.D. on Domestic ViolenceChild Abuse and the Role of Parental DenialElder AbuseHow Does the Child Welfare System Work?Legal Assistance for Elder AbuseMandated Reporters of Child AbuseSexual Assault ResourcesSome Thoughts about Victimization, Anger and AbuseThe Bystander Effect, What Would You Do?Wise Counsel Interview Podcast: Steven Levenkron, MS on Childhood Sexual Abuse of Women Latest News Male Abusers Often Sabotage Birth Control With PartnersChildhood Mistreatment Linked to Issues With MigrainePolicy Statement Addresses Child Abuse, Neglect IssuesWitnesses to Bullying May Suffer Most of AllBruising Pattern Can Predict Likelihood of Child AbuseViolence Between Couples May Not Be SpontaneousBattered Women's Ills Go Beyond BruisesImpact of Maternal Depression and Abuse on Children StudiedDoctors May Be Able to Predict Domestic Abuse Questions and Answers Delusional and Morbid Jealousy?I Don't Know Anymore. Please Help.Insane JealousyHow Can I Talk About My Greatest Fear?InorgasmiaAm I In Danger?Sexual Abuse and Its Effects on Relationships AfterwardsSociopath or Sociopath-like Product of My Environment?Is She Mentally Ill?Narcissistic StepfatherWill the abuse still continue?AngerSexual issues with husbandHelpShould I Switch Therapists? Sara, Nov. 4, 2008Did I push them too much?Violent/murderous sexual fantasiesIs it my fault that I was sexually abused? Did it make me gay?I am really worried about my mental health (19yr old female)I am a beautiful girl.....so why is my boyfriend selfish in bed?Is It Abuse? - Erin - Jun 24th, 2008My boss asked me about my sex life and im only 16.. please read!Abusive Relationshipabuse survivorI believe my husband sexually abused my daughter and is at risk for doing the same to my grandchildren. What should I do now?Why do I beat myself up over what they think?Is it my fault if my family falls apart after he cheats?Living with boyfriend - Am I dealing with one person or two?This guy I bullyCan he be changed?Münchhausen Disorder 'biproxy' (by Proxy)I get paralysed and cant do anythingHow do I keep my conduct disordered step-son from molesting my children?Rape victim who cuts and engages in BDSM to self-punish asks, 'Why am I like this?'cycle of abuse, but no apologiesFeel like I'm trappedFather is abusing and controlling my motherHow can I change my life?how to overcome sexual abuseviolent brotherSelf esteemHow to help a loved one who sees no problemHealthy sexuality not instinctual for me after abusive situationsi don't know if this is abuseafter verbal abuse19 year old daughter in abusive relationshipForgotten or just ignored?Domestic ViolenceIs this Schizophrenia?How to Deal with the Loss of Familyabout my childhood and why I am like this, but what can I do to changeDid I Love my husband and still abuse him emotionallyWhat is wrong with me?What Would This Be?A Request for HelpAdult ChildrenIs there a difference between abuse and trauma?My adult child has accused my husband of sexually abusing her...Regret my decision every single dayHe has hit me on a few occasions ...Need to find a reason for the abuseI'm a cutter and can't remember anythingHow Does Childhood Abuse Influence Adulthood?Abusive Older SisterAbusive MotherKilling Myself In His KitchenFear Of Remembering ThingsViolent SisterAbuse Warning SignsBest Way To Deal With Verbal AbuseMy RoommateA Mean, Verbally Abusive WomanConfused While Leaving An Abusive RelationshipPossibly Molested DaughterStill SufferingI Don't Know If I'm GayAbusive FatherWhat Abuse Looks Like #2Are Battered Women Mentally Ill?Recognizing Verbal AbuseDissociates When IntimateAre Bipolars Abusive?Daughter's Violent MarriageDefinition Of Being BeatenThe Aftermath of AbuseThe Goal of TherapyHaunted College StudentToxic ParentsAbused WifeAbuse and TraumaNo Desire For Sex 1Was I Sexually Abused?Mental AbuseLow Self-EsteemIntimacy IssuesAbusive GirlfriendEmotionally Abusive Marriage: What To Do?False PromisesAn Angry HusbandMy Gay Son?jb writes:Carol-Ann writes:Laura writes: Blog Entries An Abuse Victim’s Story: Beaten By Boyfriend, Then Burned By The CourtChild Abuse and the Role of Parental DenialThe Bystander Effect, What Would You Do?An Interview with Daniel Sonkin, Ph.D. on Domestic ViolenceThe Child is Father to the Man Abuse of Special Needs Children in our Public SchoolsChild Abuse PreventionBorderline Personality DisorderShould I Stay or Leave this Marriage or "When Is Enough Enough?"Child Abuse and Chronic Fatigue SyndromeAn Interview with Yulonda Brown on Surviving Abuse and Bipolar DisorderDomestic Violence: The Hidden Story of Abused MenAbused as a Child: Permanently Damaged?The Sexual Harassment of Girls and Sexual Minorites In Our SchoolsThe Long Lasting Negative Effects of AbusePeople Who Abuse, Are they Evil?Sexual Harassment in the Work Place, An ongoing problemAn Interview with Steven Levenkron, MS on Women's Childhood Sexual AbuseElder AbuseSome Thoughts about Victimization, Anger and AbuseThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part III, HealingThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part II: The ChildrenThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part IYoung Women and Sexual VictimizationIs This the Right Person for Me?Why People Remain In Abusive Relationships: Another Point of ViewWhat Kind of Father Are You?Good article concerning 'Spiritual' AbuseStockholm Syndrome and Regular Old AbuseEarly verbal abuse results in more adult depressionThe Deleterious Effects of Child Abuse'The Magdalene Sisters' as an Illustrated Abuse Primer Links [2] Articles[2] Associations[7] Community[3] Government[41] Information[5] Journals[1] Training[2] Research[1] Self-Help[6] Personal Experiences Book Reviews A Stir of BonesAccounts of InnocenceBecoming AnnaBreathing UnderwaterBruisesBut I Love HimDemons of the Modern WorldLittle ChicagoThe Kindness of StrangersThe UnsayableTrue BelieverViolent PartnersWhen Jeff Comes Home

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Becoming aware of the forms that abuse can take helps you to be better prepared to recognize such behavior as abusive. Once you are able to label abuse, you can begin to take steps necessary to stop it from happening or repeating.

• Verbal Abuse occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves 'putdowns' and name-calling intended to make the victim feel they are not worthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent. If the victim speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were "just a joke", and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. They may also be told that no abuse is happening; that it is "all in their head". Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to victim's self-esteem and self-worth. Damaged victims may fail to take advantage of opportunities that would enrich their lives because they come to believe they are not worthy of those opportunities.
  

• Psychological Abuse (also known as mental abuse or emotional abuse) occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person's sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. For example, psychological abuse might occur when a pedophile tells a child victim that she caused the pedophile to abuse her because she is a 'slut' who 'tempted' the pedophile. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser's wishes. It may be emotional abuse in this sense when it is designed to cause emotional pain to victims or to “mess with their heads” in attempts to gain compliance and counter any resistance. Alternatively, psychological abuse may occur when one victim is forced to watch another be abused in some fashion (verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually). Like verbal abuse, psychological abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on and can result in serious sequela (psychological after effects) later on.

• Physical Abuse occurs when one person uses physical pain or threat of physical force to intimidate another person. Actual physical abuse may involve simple slaps or pushes, or it may involve a full on physical beating complete with punching, kicking, hair pulling, scratching, and real physical damage sufficient in some cases to require hospitalization. In particularly violent instances, people can die from the injuries they sustain while being physically abused. Physical abuse is abusive whether bruises or physical damage occur or not. Physical abuse may involve the mere threat of physical violence if the victim does not comply with the wishes of the abuser, and still be considered physical abuse.

• Sexual Abuse of children or adults includes any sort of unwanted sexual contact perpetrated on a victim by an abuser. Molestation, incest, inappropriate touching (with or without intercourse), and partner or date rape are all instances of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse also occurs if one partner has agreed to a certain level of sexual activity and another level is forced upon her (or him) without prior explicit consent being given. Sexual abuse is often coupled with physical abuse (or threat of physical abuse) and emotional abuse. For instance, pedophile child molesters will often threaten harm to their victims or to someone or something their victim cares about in order to compel that victim's silence about the sexual abuse or to convince the victim that he or she “asked for it” in some way. Difficult to detect drugs like Rohypnol (known as "Ruffies" on the street) may be put into the drinks of date rape victims (a form of physical abuse) to make them pliable and easy to rape.

• Neglect occurs when a person fails to provide for the basic needs of one or more dependent victims he or she is responsible for. Basic needs include adequate and appropriate food, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and love or care. The idea of neglect presupposes that the neglectful person is capable of being responsible in the first place. For example, it is neglect when an employed parent fails to care for their child adequately. It is still neglect when a parent is unable to provide for their child despite their best efforts due to extreme poverty or illness, but the neglect is perhaps mitigated by the circumstances. Neglect can only happen to dependent persons. For this reason, it most typically involves children or dependent elders who are not taken care of properly by their families or caregivers.

• Hate Crimes are a type of abuse that involve verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse toward an individual or a group of individuals based solely on some characteristic they may share in common with others such as their religious or sexual affiliations or the color of their skin. In the United States hate crime are defined as crimes in which "the defendant's conduct was motivated by hatred, bias, or prejudice, based on the actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or gender identity of another individual or group of individuals" (HR 4797). In 1994, the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act added disabilities to the above list.
  
  Hate crimes involve scapegoating; the placing of blame for something that has occurred (or is believed to have occurred; whether or not it really has occurred) on an undeserving individual or group simply because they share characteristics with those alleged to have been involved in the upsetting event. For example, hate crimes against people involved in the Islamic faith rose in the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorist attacks after it was made clear that those terrorists subscribed to a form of the Islamic faith. Other examples are easy to list. Attacks on Jews throughout history have been justified by saying that "the Jews killed Jesus". Racial tensions in America and around the world remain high despite years of efforts attempting to lessen such tensions. Attacks on gay people (Matthew Sheppard) and transgender people (Gwen Araujo) occur with frequency because their sexuality is non-mainstream and thus threatening, and because some clergy preach that such non-mainstream forms of sexuality are abominations, using selected portions of the Bible to justify their particular brands of intolerance.
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Thank you!

Its hard to see it all... - - Feb 8th 2010

I wantch my mum be abused, since she got with my step dad, he looked after me from 4 months old... BUT THEN HE CHANGED . i saw my mum get beaten every day. she  was knocked out! thrown down stairs while pregnant with my sister. my mum had 3 children with this man.. the man i called my dad as he was the closest thing i had around.

It was hard to see it for 9 years, but she put up with it for that long to protect her children. I love her for all she done for us, but i would have taken a beating to protect her for once .... but at my age i was so young and looking after my sisters mosts days while my mum kept him happy.

You dont hav to be the abused to be affected, i have constant nightmares of him coming back and hurting us again.

i remember mum sayin that he brused me as a baby when he smnacked me on the bum for crying and all he cud say was ' she wouldnt shut up' what kinds words for a father i said.

Just dont put up with, it dont matter if it is you or someone in your family you love or even a friend. protect them the way i should have protected my mum.

we got out safe apart from 1 of my sisters.. she was kept hostage for 9 days and after couldnt remember who i was. but we are all fine and happy again. like a propper family ....

You could have that too . dont stand for it report it. xxxx

Is my Mom abusive - Christa - Jan 29th 2010

  I'm 47 years old and live on my own.  My Mom think I'm incapabile and I don't know anything.  She once  physically abuse me.  In addition she put me down by commentiong how I should dress, comb my hair, brush my teeth, lose weight and stop smoking and drinking sodas. 

  We  were talking and got into an argument and and I said "you think I'm stupid?"  My Mom respond is "yes" and I hung up on here I didn't talk to her a few days.  We always butt heads and she interrupt when I'm trying to explain something like my opinion, or what I want to say.  

  Yes I'm handicap (hearing impaired) but she think I can't do anything and do all the talking and I've tried or asked her to come to session with me but she think "everything is fine" and I'm the one who need the help.  I think she need the help more then I do. 

  My Mom also make comments or remark what I say.  Once I said after going to a resturant to drop me off at Good Sam.  Her friend said "why I want to go there"  My Mom said where they have the psych ward and put here finger to her head like I'm crazy and said "I need to go to the pysch ward.  That is very embarrassing that she said that.  what kind of abuse is this?  I would like some feedback please.    

My boyfriend - - Jan 13th 2010

As i read all these comments , it get me back thinking  what has happend to me just over a year ago.

My name is Samantha and im 16 years old. just after i turned 14 i got kicked out of my house because my step dad  sexualy abused me and i told my mom and she said i was lieing so she kicked me out, so i went and lived with my older brothers ex room mate, hes was the nicest guy i ever met  i went to school  , and then i started hanging out with a different group then normal , from there i met this guy  Andrew  yes he was older then me at the age of 17 , he made my world , i fell in love with him we made plans and everything, a  few months in our Relationship  we found out i was pregnant, when i told him he was so happy,  then 4 months  in he changed and got very abuseive. and that broke my heart he  not only emotional , verbally, and mentally  abused me  he Phyisical  abuse me  he slap me and punch me ,  saying  that i wasnt aloud to sleep until his house was clean , after all it was only a mess   every night since he had parties as soon as he gets home from work, so around 1 am id be up cleaning and have to be  relly quite while doing it , while he sleeps.. i had to drop out of school because he didnt liek me talking to other people. 

 when i was 5 months in my pregnantsy he pushed me down  then step and  i lose my baby , i was  very shocked about that  and very sad ,  after that i tryed to stay out of his way , but it never seemd to work, id do everything around the house make it all perfect so he would have nothing to bicker about,,  when he had parties i stay in  the bed room , and one night his friend came in and saw me sitting there asked why i wasnt out there and  i said beause i didnt feel like it , but he keep saying no lets go  he took my hand  and i got up and went out with him , my boyfriend saw me and  got very angery  he came running at us , grabed my arm and took me back to the bedroom , from there i  was yelled at and  slaped around..   then after  a half hour of that, he gave up , and i lyed there on the ground and  prayed to god  , hopeing he would help me , and get me out of there.. i just wanted to go back home and have a normal teen age life.. i missed my parents so bad..  a few hours later . i heard  that every one was gone or asleep. so i got up and cleaned rigth away befor my boyfriend woke up .. then when he got up  i got yelled at for my self being a mess.  but he lefted it alone and went to work . so i cleaned my self up and went to bed.. after 7  more months of all that ,  he lost his job, and said it was my fault that i couldnt give him every thign he wanted.

 A month later while he was out looking for a job i was cleaning and  i knocked over this box and i looked inside it was a lot of letters  332 to count  they were from  my mom  begging me to come home , saying she was sorry she didnt belive me , she found out the truth from my younger sister.  that every thign i said about my step dad was true. reading all thoes letters , made me cry  i  ran around the hosue looking for all my stuff,  i packed my bags and  went down the street to use the phone i called my  mom and told her i was sorry for not answering her letters ,, and she told me that she would come get me after work.. by that time it was 8 pm and i knew i had to get back to the house..  so i ran back and    hid all my stuff out in the bushes..  my boyfriend came home a hour later and  that night he was very mad,, he yelled at me nd blamed me for everythign told me im stupid and worthless, i had no point in liveing, and i said something for the first time to him , i said  im im  stupid and worthless then why are you keeping me around,  he told me  a few mins after that ,  that he only does cause he needs something to love, and  again i said you call this love , im like a slave to you, you hurt me baby so bad i dont think i can take it so i told him im goign home , and when these words got in his head, he went on a ram page,  breaking things  and blocking all the doors saying i couldnt leave him,,  that im his girl.  then i heard a car in the driveway ,, i tryed runnnign to the door,  but he grabed me and pind me to the floor, i screamd and my other brother and his  roommate broke down the door and got me,,  his roommate picked me up and took me to the truck, while my brother and my boyfriend  went at a yellign match..  when i got in the truck i knew i was safe and  i prayed to god thanking him for saveing me.  when my brother ran out and got in the truck  and started  pulling away  i looked back and  peeked my head out the window  and saw andrew running out , and he yelled im sorry i love you samantha, and i yelled back in tears saying im sorry you did this but its time for me to live my life.

.  so after a year of being abused,, i keep sayign that maybe andrew was right maybe im stupid and worthless, and i dont have a point in liveing . but  8 months of that  happending , i am now  a  strong young  girl who is now  back in school and everyday i say to my self i desver better then what i had  and im going to make  my dreams come true.  nothign will stop me ,  i have a loveing new boyfriend and we have been dating 5 months now,  and still going strong. he treats me like a queen , and  makes me feel loved .. so i know he loves me and will never hurt me..  but to all of you  young and older woman and men who  have been abused  just remember you  have a reason  to be liveing and  you are worth way more then what people say you are,   no matter what you guys desver better and that you are loved,  your strong and can do anything you put your mind to,, so stay strong and if somethign is wrong  speck up get help .. it will make things better.  and to all who wants to know how im doing now. im great   im almost done high school and  planing to be a child serives  worker. that way i can help children who need it.

ive been there - lindsay veillon from TX - Jan 7th 2010

i am 17 yrs old i have been in CPS since i was 1 yrs old. my mom was abusive and crazy. she tried to kill us and sell us to people for drugs. if i wont of been taken i would probably be dead. if you are being abused leave its not worth staying they say they will change but its not true. i age out of CPS in 3 months and i have been in and out of families but i rather that than be dead on the side of the street somewhere. dont wait for someone to say something for u do it urself. i didnt say anything when i live with my adopted parents and now i live with years of trauma. and will probably be on meds for the rest of my life to control my anger and depression my point is dont wait its not worth the results i promise you. and the longer u stay the longer it takes to heal from it. so be smart and do whats best for you.

verbal abuse ? - Dee - Dec 17th 2009

Is it abuse for a police officer to call a 16 yr. old dumb ass, stupid, and ignorant?  

I know how its feels - Sam - Dec 3rd 2009

I ask myself everyday why would GOD put us in these type of positions; but never got an answer i have an ok family with normal family problems but sometimes i dont understand them.

My Father in in the Army, it's his life; it's what he's good at doing, but at times when he comes home he don't ever treat me like his daughter he treats me like one of his soldiers he talks to me like im one too he tell me constantly that im getting to fat and that i need to lose weight:( It kills me inside to hear my daddy say that too me all i ever wanted to do was be daddy's lil girl but the way he talks to me hurts.  

I also have friends that i've known for a long, long time and i know they been sexually abused, pyhsically abused by their parents and when i spend time with them they hurt them infront of me and they don't CARE so i did the only thing i could at the time was fight for them and that WHAt i did i jump on his fathers back and started hitting him in the face constantly again and again until he threw me off of him. FRIENDS MEAN ALOT TOO ME AND I WISH AND PRAY THAT ABUSE OF ANY TYPE WILL FLIPPIN! STOP!  

To: tryingsohard - rkyobo - Nov 28th 2009

Sweetheart, you just need to contact social services and tell them you need some parenting classes that will help you to know the best way to deal with situations with your children.  I'm a christian psychologist who works as a domestic violence counselor.  Many people who were abused as children themselves are high risk to be abusive with their own children since that is what they have learned.  You only need to learn parenting skills.  You will be amazed at the help you can receive.  You don't even have to tell them that you are worried that you may become abusive - just tell them that you are having problems knowing the right way to discipline your children and to make them obey you.  There are also some excellent books that can help you as well.  One is called "Go To Your Room!: Consequences That Teach" by Shari Steelsmith.  Raising children is tough!  But there is help out there for you.  Do you have a church you attend regularly?  Getting yourself and your children in a good Sunday School is also very helpful.  A strong support group is very important in child-rearing.  God bless!

Dear freshman in college - Stephanie - Nov 16th 2009

The first thing you need to do is, find another place to stay. As far as paying for college, look into financial aids and see what you can do to help yourself pay for college. The way you are living is not acceptable! You do not deserve to be treated like crap! I know that it's difficult to get out of the situation, but try your best. See if you can stay with a friend, or another relative, someone that you can trust. I don't know if you have a job, but if you don't then try to get one to help pay for college, and definitly look into financial aids. You can get out of this situation, I have faith in you! God bless!

-Stephanie

What can I do? - - Nov 10th 2009

I'm an 18 year old female, a freshman in college. 

Ever since I was about 12, my dad has always physically or verbally abused me. He constantly hits me, usually on the back of my head, resulting in horrible headaches. He calls me a b****, a bast***, tells me to go to f****** hell, and tells me I'm useless and worthless. He threatens me, and tells me he'll stop paying for my college education and kick me out of the house.

He's thrown books at me, pencils, whatever small object he can get his hands on. 

It's hard for me to tell my mom these things, because my dad will find a way to turn the situation around and blame it on me. 

Some days I'm so depressed, and want to end everything. 

What can I do?

tammy - clarissa - Nov 8th 2009

OMG Tammy!!

First off, know that you are a beautiful person who deserves better. You have spent more than half of your life being abused. You are a individual who is worth  loving. There is someone who will do just that. As a parent, you have children that you have to show that this is not okay. To live like this and let this go on only confuses them as to how things should be. Don't let you or your kids suffer a day longer. Tammy, from the pit of my heart, I hope that you get help. To endure this agony-know that you are a strong ass woman. I really hope realize your abilities. Tammy, you are able to overcome this darkness that has hendered you for so many years. Don't cry another night. I wish you the best!!! Know that you are Loved.

please help im confused - tammy b - Nov 4th 2009

hi my name is tammy... i grow up in a disfuncinal family were my dad would come home from the bars and pull out his gun and we would all hide. my mom had 9 kids thay would put me down all the time. when i got 14 my mom said she did not want me and sent me to my sisters place to live she had this boy friend that would try to sleep with me i would tell her she would say deal with it i ended up sleeping with him to get away from my family we moved in with each other he woul hit me all the time we were to geather for 10 years. he would do things you would not even imagin he would bring home women to sleep with i would wake up and catch him and i would allways forgive him. we moved to a difrent county he ended up moving in with some one. so i started to go to counseling and met a security gaurd. we ended up to geather my ex took me to court and took our 3 kids he had a criminal recourd but becouse i didnt work the judge gave them to him. he could make a prist beleave him any way i got married to don we have 3 kids togeather i have 6 all to geather he puts me down i went back to school and be came a c-n-a i can not keep a job i get anziety real bad he calls me a leach i have to beg if i want monney he has slept out on me a couple of time every thing that gos wrong is allways my fault i dont even keep my self up any more he makes fun of me and my kids laugh to boy that hurts so bad my older 3 kids hate me becouse there dad died and thay blaim every thing on me when i was wth my first husban he would do and sell drugs well after i had my firs son these people came to our house and hit me in the head with a gun and told my husban when you pay us we will bring your wife and month old baby back me and my son were in a trunck for 4 hours untill my husban came up with the monney im 43 years old this happend when i was 19 my first husban died and i have been with don for 15 years he tells me for me watching my 3 kids now its for my room and borde i never went to high school i have no self esteam i feel traped if i get a job i have no car and no child care tammy   

is this abuse - sade j - Oct 30th 2009

is it abuse if a man has sexual intercourse by mutual consent with a women with alzheimers disease?

Dr. Dombeck's Note: At issue here is whether the woman's dementia had rendered her incapable of making responsible adult decisions.  This is a practical, ethical and legal question.  It would be useful to speak with the woman's physician (who might know something) and/or neuropsychologist (who would know something) to get a better handle on how far along she is.  Past a certain point of brain damage from the illness, she would likely be incapable of giving consent, and that is where the issue of abuse would enter. It's considered abusive when a pedophile has sex with a young child even if that young child has "consented" to that action, precisely because in the eyes of the law and society, young children are incapable of giving real consent.  Your situation is similar in nature.

! - - Oct 20th 2009

i  been there

Response to Is This Abuse, September 28, 2009 - - Oct 18th 2009

I hope that my comment will reach you.  I know it has been about a month since you wrote, but I just came across your concerns today.  I am so sorry about your experience.  I recently removed myself from an abusive situation.  I can empathize with you and want to provide some advice.  First, I would stop listening to what your husband says about him getting the children.  I would also start to educate myself.  Read books about abuse to learn how to deal with it.  If you can, meet with an attorney, ask what your rights are if you were to pursue a divorce.  Abusers do not change, and my friend you are being abused on many levels. I know he hasn't hit you,  yet, but there are many other types of abuse and you are experiencing them.  I can also assure you, unless he does get professional help he will hit you. 

I would give you a word of caution for the professional help.  A couple of things must be present before I would even consider going to counseling with him.  First, he must take responsibility for the problem and not place any blame on you.  Because the problem is ALL his.  Second, you need to go to a counselor who is educated when it comes to abuse and wants to make you a part of the process...meaning:  they will be in contact with you to get your experience, but will not necessarily expect you to be in the sessions.  If these things are not in place, I would not go to counseling with him because it will give him more ammunition against you. 

I feel like there are so many things to say to you, but I don't want to overwhelm you with info.  I just hope that you pursue a way to get yourself in a  healthier situation...because it is no way for you and your children to live.  And it is not what you want your children to accept as "normal." 

Books to read:

Why Does He do that?  Inside the miinds of Angry and controlling Men. 

The Verbally Abusive relationship:  how to Identify it and How to respond. 

contact your battered women's shelter...figure out your rights as a mom.  I can't say that enough.  GET OUT.  Best of luck to you. 

to the "concerned mom" - - Oct 9th 2009

If I were in that situation, I would've had patience up until the point that the girlfriend interfered with my child's health.

Honestly, there are two advice methods I have for you.

1) go to the store and buy a louisville slugger and beat that b***'s head in. nobody would mess with my kids. shes straight up askin for it.

2)the legal method would be to start documenting it and possibly recording your daughter when she says these things. Then i would file for sole custody on the grounds that the situation with her father is unhealthy and she is being neglected and abused. the recordings would be directly from your daughter and the court should honor that.

Good luck.

To trying so hard - Stephanie - Oct 9th 2009

One thing that you can try to do is learn how to control your temper. You can learn by holding back when you are really uspset, and go scream in your pillow or punch a punching bag for a while, then come back to the situation and handle it calmly. Also you can try to do some kind of aerobic exercise each day. Aerobic exersices are suppose to help you calm down. If you can't go to a gym, then go to a store and look for videos that you can do from home.

Another thing is asking God to help you control your temper. I have had an anger issue as well, and I did these things, but it helped a little, not fully, so I asked God to help me with it, and my temper was finally under control. I still get angry and upset, but I don't blow up like I use to. Anyways, I hope you find some of this stuff useful. I'll be praying for you. God Bless.

Mom who loves her daughter - Concerned Mom - Oct 8th 2009

I have a little girl, age 9, type 1 diabetic.  Been through a lot of struggles, and need advice!

Let me start by saying, My daughter lives with me and my husband, her real dad lives with his girlfriend who has no children.

I have lots of concerns and want to know if this would be considered any type of abuse.

My daughter goes to her dads on every other weekend.  While there the girlfriend use to try and measure up insulin, didn't matter if it had air bubbles or not my daughter was made to inject herself anyways.  Even got to the point to where the girlfriend call her own father and made my daughter speak to him so he could also tell my daughter how ignorant her mother is for making such a big fuss over air bubbles.  Needless to say I eventually resolved most of that, I switched my daughters meds to pre-loaded insulin pens, no more drawing up insulin:-) 1 problem gone for now!

My daughter is constantly told if she cries or whines about anything, how NO ONE likes cry babies or NO one likes to be around Whiners, well after my daughter was told this constantly, she began punching herself, and taking keys and digging holes into her hands!  I feel it was related to this, she would always come home and ask me if I loved her,, that broke my heart! 

My daughter was also in sports, her father paid to sign her up, that was nice, then he told me I have to pay for her ball cleats, pants, socks, bat, mitt, batting gloves!  Well I did, I am so tired of arguing with him, it's easier to just do it!  My daughter was at a game, she got real pail, very shaky, I knew she was hitting a low and her blood sugar dropped,, I tested her, sure enough she was extremely low, I immediately had her start drinking juice and eating to bring her back up, told the coach she can't go in until her sugar level goes back up, he understood.  I asked my daughter to sit down and I will be back to retest in 10 minutes.  Times up, I am back to retest, the girlfriend of her father, was standing by my daughter, and stormed off,, I was confused.  What just happened, did my daughter say something that upset her?  NO, it was me that upset her because I come over on purpose to interrupt her??? HUH... WHAT... This is my daughters life,,, are you kidding me? My daughter needs immediate attention this is something that can not be overlooked!! My daughter had to go home with her father that night, the next morning was practice, I always go to games and practices!  My daughter came up to me and said thanks to you momma, (dad’s girlfriend) will not be coming to games or practices.  I said why, she said because you did that on purpose and interrupted her.  I said honey I am sorry she told you that, but your life is far more important to me than to worry about interrupting someone!  My daughter said well she said isn't that something I pay for you d*** ballgames and I can't even see any of them, tell your mom thanks!

My daughter has even been to work with her dad's girlfriend and was made to sit in a dog bed all day!!

Every time the girlfriend is mean to my daughter by cutting her down or me, then to make up she just goes and buys her stuff.

My daughter is told what happens at her dads house stays at her dads house and its none of her mothers business, and if she tells she better not expect to do one thing the next time she comes over!!

The girlfriend also makes little remarks in front of my daughter, she will say,, oh don't talk in front of her she will go home and tell her mommy!

My little girl came home just last night saying my daddys girlfriend can't stand you, or to stand to look at your or even stand to be in the same room with you!

I had my daughter start seeing a therapist, I thought, am I nuts or is this abuse!  Little did I know, the therapist happens to be good friends with my daughter’s fathers lawyer, and has now determined there is nothing abusive at all about any of this???

Is it just me, am I making more out of this ,, someone please give me your opinion!

Concerned Mom!

Now a mom, but abused when I was a child - tryingsohard - Oct 8th 2009

I am seeking a group, some where that I can talk to other parents who understand and may be give advice. I was abused physically, emationally and sexually as a child. I was able to testify and get my father put in jail, but not for what he did to me, but what he did to another girl. My mom and I have a better relationship now, but I have three kids. I find myself having soooo much trouble knowing what to do, restraining anger and even find my self almost punishing them the ways I was. I dont have any desires to do any sexual abuses THANK GOD!!! But when they arent listening, or they do something wrong then lie to me, I just find my self almos going into the punishments my parents used. I havent ever really hurt them physically, I have always stopped my self first, but I came close. I have said things in anger that were wrong, mean and hurtful. I love them so much, I dont want to hurt them. Please if you know where I can get help, tell me. I want it so bad. I am scared to really tell people I have said these things, or even almost hurt them, like slap them or whatever... I dont wnat someone to think I am a bad mom. It isnt bad when my husband is here...but he is working in a different state and it is just me. I am begging for help, and please dont think bad of me. Or call me bad things. I wouldnt be here if I didnt want help.

I just want to know, if anyone knows where I can go to get this help, so I dont do anything I dont want to. I never want my kids to hurt like I did. I never want them to hide from me, or be afraid to say hi or hug me, fearing if I am in  good or bad mood. I never ever want this. I want them to know that if they make a mistake we will fix it together and I will teach them, not hurt them.

BUt I am not sure that is always what I will do, because sometimes... I get angry, or stressed, and my first reaction is to do more. I dont know what else to say...

Is this abuse? - Cass - Oct 8th 2009

I figured that it couldn't hurt to ask. I am 15. My mother often punishes and puts me down for the smallest of reasons. Mostly she uses "the silent treatment". If I do anything she doesn't like, she almost outright tells me what exactly the kind of kid she thinks I am and puts down what I care about. My dad is sick with cancer so he knda doesn't seem to do much, even though she yelles at him too. Oh, and she also denies things that I obviously know she did. All this only happens when we do something that she disapproves of, so she's normally nice otherwise. Is this abuse? 

this is abuse - - Sep 28th 2009

Yes this is abuse, You need to let him know that you are not his child you are his wife and you need  to be treaded that way. You sound like nice person and one would be luck to have you. You dont need to stay where you are not happy. like you said you neveer know if he is going to hit you. it would be best if yall counld tlk about it and if that dont work get out of it before its to late.

Is this abuse? Sorry about caps I couldn't change it on my cell - - Sep 28th 2009

I AM 24 yEARS OLD. iVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 4 YEARS AND WITH HIM FOR OVER 6 YEARS. I'M NOT SURE IF THIS IS ABUSE BUT WHEN I DON'T LISTEN TO MY HUBBY OR SO SOMETHING WRONG HE TAKES THINGS AWAY FROM ME. HE CALLS IT PRIVELESGES. LIKE LAST NIGHT I FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH SO HE TOOK MY CELL PHONE AND MY CAR KEYS SO I CANTCAN'T GO ANYWHERE. HE ALWAYS THRETENS ME BY TAKING MY PRIVELEDGES AWAY. HE TAKES MY COMPUTER, SMOKES, SODA, KEYS, MONEY, HOUSE AND CELL PHONES. HE ALWAYS IGNORES ME AND OUR KIDS BY PLAYING VIDEO GAMES ALLL DAY! WELL HE'S NICE TO ME WHEN HE IS HORNEY. AND IF I SAY NO HE TRYS TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY OR PUTS ME DOWN SAYING I'M LUCKY HE EVEN STILL WANTS ME OR TAKES STUFF AWAY. IF I SAY NO HE IGNORES ME AND SAY I HAVE TO CUZ WE ARE MARRIED AND U CAN RAPE YOUR WIFE, I DONTDON'T EVEN ENJOY IT OR I WILL CRY DURING IT. THERE WERE MANY TIMES HE WOULD STAY IN BED AND NOT HELP ME CLEAN OR TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS BECAUSE I MADE HIM ANGRY. HE SAYS SINCE I DON'T WORK ( I TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS) THAT NOTHING IS MINE OR ANYTHING. HE DONTDON'T SEEM TO CARE THAT THE KIDS ARE CRYING OR IN THE ROOM AND TRYSTTYS TO HAVE SEX EVERYDAY. HE TELLS ME I AM A HORRIBLE WIFE IF HE DONTDON'T GET IT AT LEAST 3 TIMES A DAY AT LEAST. IMI'M SO TIRED OF FEELING LIKE IMI'M A PIECE OF CRAP. HE ALWAYS CALLS ME NAMES WHEN I MAKE HIM ANGRY, LIKE A MORON, IDIOT, BAD MOTHER, HORRIBLE WIFE, B****, eVERYTHING. HE HAS NEVER HIT ME BUT I FEEL LIKE IF I MAKE HIM MAD ENOUGH THAT HE WILL. ONE DAY I TRIED TO TAKE HIM XBOX AWAY SO HE LOCKED ME OUTTA MY HOUSE AND SAID IF I DONTDON'T GIVE IT BACK HE WOULD CALL THE COPS AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER ON ME FOR HARRASSMENT BUT I DIDN'T  DO ANYTHING. HE TELLS ME WITHOUT HIM I WONTWON'T HAVE ANYTHING CUZ HE WILL GET CUSTODY OF MY KIDS SO ILLI'LL NEVER SEE THEM EVER AGAIN. THATSTHAT'S THE MAIN REASON IMI'M STILL WITH HIM. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO NOT HAVE MY KIDS WITH ME. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. IF I DID LEAVE I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO CUZ MY FAMILY IS IN CANADA AND WE LIVE IN THE US. HE THREATENED THAT IF I TRY TO LEAVE AND GO HOME HELLHE'LL REPORT THE VAN AND KIDS STOLEN AND GET ME ARESTED. HE ALSO DONTDON'T TAKE OF THE KIDS .THERE'S SO MUCH MORE BUT I CAN NOT CONTINUE . I'LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT. WHAT DO U GUYS THINK?

he doesn't think of you as a person with feelings - - Sep 24th 2009

  Realize he doesn't have an anger problem... He's a sexist, and he's being abusive because he doesn't think of you as a person with feelings.  

Forget about going to the bar for now-- reach out to nice people who can be a help to you. Stay sober, when you drink with an abuser he can hurt you or put you in dangerous situations much easier.

  If you can, start hiding money until you can have a choice about getting away from him.  

  Keep an open ear to your daughter. Let her know she can tell you anything. She may be approached by other manipulators or even your boyfriend-- if your boyfriend is eroding her self esteem, she will be a 'loser magnet'. Believe her if she tells you boys are pressuring her for sex or to take drugs etc, even if you think it is too young to worry about such things.

To Falling Apart - Stephanie - Sep 18th 2009

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You need to get rid of him, break up with him. If he is one of the violent types that will smack you around or stock you after breaking up with him, then call the police and get a restraining order. Your situation is not healthy at all, he just wants to control you. You can find a great guy who will treat you the way you need to be treated and will treat your kids right too. It is possible, because I have found one. To me it sounds like he needs to grow up a lot. I'll be praying for you. God bless.

help please - im falling apart - Sep 17th 2009

I have dated a man for three years.  It took him a year to go and meet my parents.  And after that he would never go there he said they was boring and don't have anything to talk about.  Every night we would have to go to his families andon weekends as well.  He got to where if i went and seen my parents he would tell me something like go and just drop me off at the bar and when you get done just pick me up.  Knowing i hate when he goes there because of his past with "messing around" on me when he was there.  Well the fighting and arguing has progressed and its out of controll now.  His family is calling me telling me i am not safe and that if we bump heads again i am going to lose everything and he means everything.  (Words of his father)  Also that he is going to snap and its not going to be pretty.  I told my now ex that i couldn't live this way always fearing something is going to happen. 

In our relationship, anyone and everyone i talked to he would say was worthless, a slut, anything and everything to just not get a long with them.  Yet his friends were in and out of jail all the time into drugs none of them have their own place all still living with their parents.  Just no good.  When i meet my now ex he still lived with his mother at the age if 24.  I am two years older than him but i had my own place a really good job and two amazing children.  Well he moved in with me right away.  I worked third and he would hang out all night then come home when the bars closed sleep  with me during the day and off to the night life againwhen i went back to work.  Well he thought my job was the problem.  So i quit and went to work where he dad worked.  Well he dad no longer works there so that job became a problem.  But it wasn't a problem when i had to pay all the bills and take care of him.  So we faught and faught about that.  Like i said the fighting got worse.  I was always a whore or slut or something.  He never went completely crazy on me but he would slap me around a lot.  Anytime i didagreed with him he would tell me its not juxt your way you need to let me be the man of the house.  And i would tell him i have been waiting for you to do that.  He could not get along with my seven year old daughter for nothing.  I mean everythime she would say anything he was getting on her and then when i would get on him he would go off and say i need to be a better mother.  I know all parents stick up for their children but honestly she is a good girl.  She is very smart loves schoolbut she is overweight and to him that just isn't good.  He would stop her at the dinner table but let our youngest eat anything and everything anytime.  the youngest was allowed to have pop and my oldest wasn't.  When she asked why he would never tell her but i knew.  Or the youngest could play and bring all her toys out to the living room once my oldest stepped out she had to go back to her room.

Well i talked to him the other day for the first time and told him i was going to be going out and that i didn't want any trouble.  If he would see me out and talking to anyone he is one of those guys that loves to fight other men for ne reason.  He said you need to be a parent and sit my ass at home.  Well its been 3 mnths of sitting and i need a break.  He told me all i want to do is go shake my ass and get some attention.  I am not going to lie.  I would love to have some attention!  I know a am slowly get more and more depressed everyday.  He go out and takes girls out all the time but i am not allowed STILL.  he call at 3 in the morning when the bars close and want to come over and when i tell him no he'll say who's over there who are you sleeping with now.  I have never never cheating on this man.  I worshipped the ground he walked to serving him his plate to cloth in the morning and a warm towel after each shower.

there is so much more but i feel like i am sinking in a hole and can't get out

fccla project - Sidney =] Nichole - Sep 11th 2009

Im in the 8th grade a Warfild Middle School.Im doing a project about abusse even though iv never had been abused but theres people in my school how has.So I feel like I should do this subject cause I will never know how it feels.but iv wached videos and it sounds awfull.

Dear Laura - Salma - Sep 6th 2009

Hey i really understand what you are going through cause im going through the same thing... Ive delt with my mother verbaly and mentaly abusing me my whole life .. im nearly 19 .. so i can understand how hard it is for girls around our age ..cause our mothers are the ones that are meant to love us and be there for us not break us down.. Its good that you have your dad... My dad used to verbally abuse me too til he found out i had depression hes been nice ever since. Im not living at home anymore .. i stay with my grandparents now..its better than living at home.. Hopefully you have somewhere else you can stay cause you really dont deserve to be treated that way.. no one does. Just know your not alone ! Just live for yourself and no one else .. dont let your mum bring you down ..maybe shes got her own crap to deal with but thats no excuse to treat u badly.. you deserve to be happy .. its cool that you wanna what you want from life that helps a lot, Hope all is well tc!

xx

abuse - jane - Sep 4th 2009

my lifepartner has prostate cancer and is unemployed, i imagine he is dealing with alot of stuff, and his personality is loving most of the time but when he comes home from the gym at nite he becomes a dr. jeckle, mr. hyde personality and it is really impossible to be around him... even though i have sat down with him to tell him that i recognize this behavior is unacceptable and that every time he does this i have to go upstairs to get away from him.  it is becoming quite irratating to say the least. i did tell him that if he insists to act like this there will be large consequnces and problems for him in the future.. but that didn't help me... the feeling of being really stuck in this situation is overwelming..because i really do love him. last nite when i looked at him physically i really saw another person, he looked very upset,angry,and his face was all tight. he is the type of person that doesn't talk that much about himself and won't let you into his private world.  i don't quite know how to get through to him and feel very bad for him.. if anyone reads this and can help i would greatly appreciate it.  i have been with this man for 27 years. i want you to know that he is a really good hearted man and usually very kind. i would more like to help him than leave him...

@So confused - laura - Jun 20th 2009 - Landa - Aug 28th 2009

Laura - I was so touched by your entry and it reminds me of my mother.  My mother was married to my father for about 9 years.  During that time he was immensely cruel to her and always put her down.  My mother started college, but unfortunately, decided to stop going.  When she stopped going he became even more controlling.  Whatever you do, find peace within you.  NEVER give up on school...NEVER.  Your education will benefit you greatly.  I know your husband has chosen to live another life, but you cannot control him only how you react to him.  Do you work out?  Everytime you are watching TV, get on the floor and do some type of exercise to help clear your mind.  This will benefit you in two ways.  First, it will help you to be in better shape and secondly it will give you the confidence that you need.  And finally, find outside activities that you enjoy.  Whatever your faith, become more involved in your place of worship.  They always need volunteers for the food pantry, outreach or anything else.

Your husband's mental abuse can destroy you if you let it.  By creating a barrier and keeping yourself busy with your job, education, exercise and faith it will distract you and keep you out of his line of sight.  The more you beg him for his attention the more he will enjoy treating you badly. Don't be surprise if he becomes even meaner, he'll notice that he is losing control and that's a good thing!  Make sure you affirm the love for yourself everyday.  Stand in the mirror and say, "I love myself and I am going to take care of myself everyday.  Even if no one else loves me, I LOVE ME!"

Don't give up!  My mom did and passed away in 2004 because she wouldn't take care of herself and was more concerned with my dad.  Where's my dad?  He remarried and has reinvented himself into this loving husband..it's truly sickening!

Stay focused and I wish you well,

Landa

Laura 17yrs, I am in the same situation - Stephanie - Aug 28th 2009

I read your thing, and I thought that I wrote it. I am in the same situation. I am the same age and was mentally abused by my mother to the point that I'm not sure who I am, but I know who I want to be. I was also abused by my father, but he doesn't do it anymore, and I am closer to him than I am to my mother. My mother doesn't work at all, she lays in bed all day and sleeps. My father goes to work, not a great job, but he works and is acting as a single parent. I try to help him out as much as possible, but I also want to get out and live my own life. Message me back and I can tell you how I am learning how to deal with it. I'll be praying for you. God bless.

Name calling - Gem - Aug 26th 2009

Hi everyone not really sure if this is the right thing to do but really not sure what to do about my situation.

I've been with my husband for a total of 4.5 years married for 1.5 in that time. We have a 10 month old son. I used to have a good job, social life and lots of confidence. Now I work for hubby (he's had his own business for 10 years)  look after house entirely and our son but I can't seem to please my husband anymore. He calls me the most discusting names, blames me for everything if something is slightly wrong. For instance son pinched his finger in a draw while back when I was getting ready one day. He wasn't hurt just didn't a little cry and that was that. Husband goes mental calling me a useless mother, a (not sure if I can put this) c**t and a waster. Now I can't stop my little boy from having every little accident but I just feel a bit fraught when hubby is around encase something happens. Anyway hubby was in kitchen last night and baby doesn't the same thing (different draw), I was upstairs and I get the torrent of abuse again, same name calling, this time telling me to leave and that he's taking my son away from me. I wasn't even in the room! I am a good mum I know this everyone says they can see we have a great bond we have ,apart from hubby. All he's interested in it seems is scoring points. He won't help with baby won't do  anything in fact says he works full time so he shouldn't have to help. His has a hobby which is fine but he is very extreme about so it meants for a good 7 months a year he's probably home for 3 nights a week.  He's even missing his sons 1st birthday this year and doesn't seem to care. When I mentioned that maybe he should be there he went mad and said I make his like hell and wished I was dead!  We have mutual friends and last weekend he calling me an unfit mother in  front of them because my son has nappy rash.  I have got to my wits end. I have had a normal upbringing. Not rich but had everything I needed, whereas he had slightly more but for some reason he just keeps calling me a waster. My family have always worked, I have always worked, I worked the day before I had baby and went back 2 weeks later. I know i should be stronger but I kind of don't react anymore. I don't want to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. But I am starting to feel like I haven't achieved as much as him I don't earn the money so therefore I can't answer back. I really need to leave, I know its only a matter of time before he probably meets someone else, he has no repect for me so I can't expect anything less.  The main reason for staying is being reliant on him for money, putting a roof over our head. my son loves him and I always wanted my children to have both parents like I did but I am  not sure if I am doing the right thing letting my son hear him talk me to like this. I could go to my parents but only for a short time. I am also terrified of him taking my son he threatens to take him away all the time - not sure if he could but I can't afford the mortgage on our house so i would have to leave so am worried that he would take my son from me as he has the money coming in. As I read this back I can't believe that I am in this situation I always thought I was quite a good judge of charactor but clearly not. My husband has gone from a kind repectful gentle person to a complete pig. I need to leave I know this - does anyone have any words of wisdom to help me get my life back again without hurting my son or worse still having him taken any from me? thank you.

to laura - confused - Aug 16th 2009

you think you are so confused, I face the same situation.  My kids are 11,4,&1.  My husband has reach the point where he talks bad to me in front of our children.  I am so scared too.  Just like you, he knows I can not afford to leave.  The two things I have going for me are the strength/good health of my children and I have a job.  It has gotten to a point where he also has naked pictures of the women he is messing around with in our house.  Can you imagine if one of the children saw that?  He cares nothing about me all he does do is make me feel bad about my self and continously blames me for him not having any money.  (Hello, if you are f... other women of couse it is going to cost).  I do not even know where to go with this, lawyers are expensive and I do not have any friends.  I do not know why I am typing this.......

dad - casey - Aug 13th 2009

my dad was always miserable when i was a kid. he always talked about what would happen when he died he said when i die youre gonna be pouring tears. he always told me not to trust anyone. he yelled alot and was always stressed and unpleasant to be around. i believe that my mental problems are because of him. he had a gambling problem as well and he always complained about how his back hurt or his hips hurt. he doesnt do anything for himself.. my mom waits on him. if his cell phone is in the kitchen and they are watching tv she automatically has to get it for him, he wont get up and do it himself. if he left something upstairs she automatically has to go get it for him. stuff like that. and whenever i got good grades on my report card.. he couldn't care less. he calls me fat sometimes. he says hes joking around but 13 year old girls dont want to be called fat.. hes also very impatient. would anyone say that this is mental abuse? i dont know what to call him.. mentally abusive.. or what?

Why can't I walk away? - Raging Idiot - Aug 8th 2009

I fell for a controlling, abusive and manipulative man, who, like most of this type, has some awesome qualities. But, he's only apologized for the violence once (weeks later); he doesn't do the tv thing of "I'm sorry, I love you, I'll never do it again". (The violence ended shortly after I had his child.) He tells me that we're not together; we're not in a relationship (we lived together for a while); he tells me repeatedly that he doesn't want or love me. Yet, I continue to try to be with him. He does things for me (fixes stuff, goes out of his way to help with things that do not affect him) so I tell myself he cares for me. He seldom shows me any affection that is not sex-related. He knows I crave affection (the whole lovey-dovey, cuddly, hold-hands thing) and purposely withholds it. The only thing that seems different about my story is that he is totally unapologetic for his behavior; he's proud of his attitude towards worthless females like me; He doesn't claim to want to be with me and tells me that I'm not worth marrying. The only time he seems passionate towards me is when he says how he loves what a slut I am but once the passion has subsided then he belittles me for that very thing. I used to be a tough, won't-take-crap-from-any-man kind of woman. Now, I find myself begging him to let me come see him and battling depression because he hangs up on me or won't answer my calls or doesn't talk to me for a few days. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Can someone please tell me WHY I can't walk away from him even when he tells me to?

Mental Abuse for 17 yrs. - Laura - Jul 28th 2009

Ok well I am 17 yrs old going to be 18 soon. My mother is definitely mentally abusing me the best she can. She always puts me down, makes me feel stupid, and has caused me to hate myself. She is a b*tch towards my dad,whom I am very close to if I may add. She treats him terribly. He lost both of his older brothers in a 9 month period and he has had a heart attack in '06. I look out for him the best I can, but she doesnt give a rat's ass about him. It's honestly like she is trying to kill him. I also have 2 older half brothers. Which I dont get along with because they are perfect and do no wrong. I'm the "little rebel demon child" that gets away with everything. Which I'm really not that kind of person. To be honest I don't know who I really am. I grew up being whoever she wanted me to be she controlled my life. I made alot of mistakes in my life because of her. She thought she was leading me down the right path when really it was the path to hell. Everything that can go wrong in my life pretty much is. My dad would divorce her but he works so much more than her and makes so much more money than her, that he would have to pay her $2,000 a month. She is a lazy ass. She does not cook. I do. She does not clean. I do.  I do everything around this house. I'm not sure but I really don't think this is how a teenage should be living. I want to go out and have fun and live. My mom lies to my dad all the time about everything. When I was growing up she always made him seem like this big mean monster. And my dad was never around when I was younger because he had to work overtime bc my mom would only work part time. So I'm trying to find a job which is very hard right now in this economy, just so that I can help my dad.  I'm 17 I have no friends. No one likes me at my school. I'm going to be a senior and I dont know how I'm going to cope through this school yr. Any advice ? Please help

Here's a new situation...REALLY! - Layla - Jun 24th 2009

I am the step-mother of 2 wonderful boys. They are 7 and 8 yrs old.  I have gotten myself in over my head! When I met their father, I had no idea what I was getting into.  I fell in love with him, 3yrs ago. He was living with his parents due to a divorce from the mother of his children.  I have done all I can do to try to include their mother in our lives due to the fact that "Greg" has custody and has had since they divorced.  I am older than "Greg" and I myself have 3 other boys, 2 who are over the age of 21, and a 12 yr old.  I also have a 5 yr old grandson. Age has never been a problem for Greg and myself. My reason for all of this is the love that i feel for the family I am now responsible for.  This woman "mother" has called me every name in the book.  She has accused Greg of molesting his children...which was totally unfounded because she decided that she didnt want me to be raising her children.  She tried to get custody under the pretense that I was unfit.  She lost! And now because 5 yrs ago....she was ordered $10.00, ( yes...ten dollars a month child support on two children.) She is now angry at me...has called me every name in the book...and she is going to sign her rights away to her children because I am in the picture.  She tells her children that it is all my fault that she cant have them. She also wont give our youngest son his ADHD meds because she doesnt approve, yet went to the psychiatrist with me....hows that work?  I fight with Greg all the time because as a mother I see her side too....but then she pulls this bs on me...making it all my fault that she doesnt have her boys....is it my imagination or am I being abused emotionally and verbally?  there is so much more to my story....please reply?  I feel as if I am the only step mom out here that has a husband that has custody being abused by the ex wife.....I am ready to leave...but I love my husband and most of all I love his children...What do I do?   HELP!!!!!!!!

So confused - laura - Jun 20th 2009

I have read many of the posting here and a lot of them sound like my relationship.  I have been married for 21 years this month (june).  My husband retired from the military nine years ago.  When he first retired we struggled trying to put our lives together in the civilian community.  Up until that point we had a rocky marriage but a good relationship.  It has been very recent that he started to change, i guess it has been in the last two to three years.  I thought that maybe it was his disability and pain that was causing him to be discouraged and upset all the time.  But as time went on he started to be more controlling than usual.  Then he started to tell me how I don't listen to him and disregard what he says. 

Then about two years ago he started to become verbally abusive calling me names like stupid "B..." or dumb "A..", fat lazy slob.  I know I am not perfect, but I have recently gone back to school to finish my bachelors degree.  This added to a 40 hour a week job, taking care of the house and homework, I thought he started to feel neglected.  But he has started to tell me that if I don't like how things are then get out.  He knows that I cannot affort to leave.  Part of the restrictions of keeping my job is to finish my degree, so if I stop before I complete the degree I lose my job. So now he takes every opportunity to let me know that he makes all the money.  So he does very little if anything to help around the house saying that since he makes all the money I should be happy to have a roof over my head and food to eat and it is my responsiility to make sure everything is clean. 

I do but he makes sure he criticises the house saying that it smells, and I never get off my fat "A.." to clean.  So again recently he said he wanted a separation, which means we have no connections, but the reality is that he wants everything to remain status quo while he runs around doing whatever he wants.

I hate to admit it but his verbal abuse got so bad that the emotional pain I felt made me think that things would be better if I were gone.  The two things I held on to was the fact that I did not want to leave that type of pain and legacy for my 15 year old daughter, nor did I want to abandon her alone to his abuse.  Most of the time it is directed towards me, but there are times that he directs it toward her.  It has made him extremely angry when I interfere, but I would rather that anger be directed to me than her.  I did get some help from my GP.  He has been really wonderful and patient listening to me but has persistantly tried to get me to seek counseling, which I did for one session, but could not continue.  My husband even used that opportunity to say that I better go see the psychiatrist because I am crazy. 

It is so confusing because he will come home late from being out and is very sweet and loving telling me doesn't hate me and want to cuddle.  I think the most hurtful thing he did was the other night.  He came home late and was being very loving.  we were intamate, but then the next morning he started telling me again about how his house was always dirty and how I never clean and I made the mistake of arguing back.  Well, that made him even angrier and I also made the mistake of saying something regarding the previous evening and he said "well, you didn't hear me tell you I love you did you?"  Just because we were intimate does not mean we are back together and of course all of those other hurtful name calling and threatening remarks.  I lost it and unfortunately we were on our way to work as we both work at the same place so I was a basket case and had a hard time getting through the day.  I had also mentioned that I could leave and he said fine, take your check and put it in a seperate account and support yourself if you can.  Of course he knows I can't so I said he would have to help with child support and he said "what makes you think she is going with you, you dumb "B...."

I feel trapped.  If I leave I don't know how I will suport myself, but I don't know how much longer I can stay.  His abuse is getting worse, he is being very secretive, like keeping his cell phone with him at all times, which he did not used to do.  he goes outside when  he gets a call so I can't hear what he is saying or who he is talking to.  He receives text messages all the time now, goes out 3 to 4 times a week, has created a website and his page states that he is single looking for a friends and relationships.  When I discovered that I was devistated.  I still cannot figure out what I did that was so wrong.

When i try to get him to talk to me about it all he says is that he is not going to go into it again and we have talked about it enough and I should shut the "F..." up and stay out of his business because we are separated as far as he is concerned.  I feel trapped, lost and have no one I can talk to.  In spite of his actions the only people I know, know us both and I don't want to put him in a bad light.  All the friends I had before we were married are gone and the only friends I was able to have were the wives of his friends.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  he has never hit me but has often raised his hand as if he were going to strike me in anger but never follows through.  Sometimes I think that would be better to the mental torture he puts me through. 

My pain has been so extreme to the point that I had started cutting myself because the pain on the outside distracts and lessens the pain I feel on the inside even for just a little bit.  I do not feel the need to do that anymore as he has lessened the amount of abuse when he noticed what i was doing, but that last for about a month and if I cry he says gets even angrier because he says I am trying to manipulate him and it won't work, so I try not to cry in front of him if at all so he doesn't get angry.

Please excuse my rambling, I am not even sure if I made any sense but I felt the need to vent my frustration and it seems as though you all have gone through similar experiences.

Concerned for Tinabob - - Jun 19th 2009

Tinabob,

You do NOT tolerate it a second longer!  That is how long.  Having just recently left my husband I have really worked on educating myself on verbal and physical abuse.  I have done this because although everyone tells me I did the right thing, I still feel wrong at times.  Should i have given him another chance...he says he's willing to do counseling?  He could be so sweet...am I sure I made the right decision?  That is the dialogue that goes on in my head, not to mention that I do still love him, however; I must also look at the reality.  He was sweet...that is called the honeymoon phase.  Which is part of the cycle of abuse.  (there are two cycles, I am referring to one that Lundy Bancroft cites in his book...Why does he do that:  Inside the minds of angry and controlling men.  IN his book he goes into more detail than I will here, but; the main thing for you to understand is the honeymoon phase, when the man is very sweet and kind just wraps us into the man more.  We think how could he be abusive?  He is so sweet at times, and maybe your boyfriend is also well liked and respected by people.  My husband was.  Which, makes it even harder to believe something is wrong.  Instead of getting angry when your boyfriend cuts you down, you might actually think he is right and think I really need to work on not being those things so we can stop having problems in our relationship.  Which is how I felt...but it is so wrong.  That is an effect of abuse.  It is also important to note that verbal abuse (which sounds like the type of abuse you are experiencing) is called "crazy making."  Because the abuser denies things you clearly remember happening.  Or just like you expressed, you feel crazy for being angry.  You should not feel crazy for being angry.  You should be angry.  So, my best advice for you.  Educate yourself.  Seek Counseling for yourself.  And LEAVE. 

Although my husband says he is williing to get counseling so we can be together.  I have to acknowledge a couple of facts.  First, he is not willing to admit his abuse.  He insists that all of our problems are normal...which makes me feel crazy!  If he does not admit his abuse, how can he change?  Second, only 5% of abusers change through counseling.  Lastly, I want to caution you, abusers are very good at convincing counselors of his/her reality.  So, if you decide to go to counseling with your significant other, and he agrees to it.  First, I would say do NOT do it.  Second, you need to be sure you find a counselor who is educated on abuse and you need to educate yourself.  As I said before, the abuser can convince counselors, if the counselor is not educated, that they (the abuser) are right.  Second, counseling will provide your abuser with more tools to abuse you.  So my best advice in regard to counseling is DO NOT DO IT with him, however; seek some for yourself...again with a counselor who is educated on abuse.   

Books to read that I have read: The one listed above.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship:  How to recognize it and how to respond.  by:  Patricia Evans

It's my life now:  Starting over after an Abusive relationship and Domnestic Violence  By:  Meg Kennedy Duygan and Roger Hock

I haven't read this last one, but I have it ordered:  But he never hit me:  the devestating cost of Non-physical violence to Girls and Women  by:  Jill A Murray

I hope that you make the deicsion that is best for you.  If you decide not to leave, you need to at least educate yourself.  But, I do hope that you leave.  It will be the best decision you ever made, even if somedays if feels like the worst.  I promise.  Good luck and all my love goes out to you.   

Concerned for Amy - - Jun 19th 2009

Amy,

You are being abused.  Based on the information you have provided to me, you are being verbally abused.  Which is also concerned psychological abuse, at least according to Patricia Evans in The Verbally Abusive Relationbship:  How to recoghnize it and how to respond.  Which I would highly suggest for you to read.  I think a huge red flag here is the fact that you are considering taking your own life.  Even if it was just for a moment, the thought was still there.  I know you say you can't leave because your youngest child isn't legally yours.  I would have to say, you need to try to figure out how to can leave, for the benefit of all of your children.  Seek legal advice.  Meet with a lawyer to find out what rights you have.  I too was verbally abused by my husband.  I just recently left, it has been extremely difficult, however; I feel myself returning.  It had gotten to a point where I was depressed and I had to work very hard at being myself anytime I was around friends and family who knew me before my husband.  I did not want them to suspect anything was wrong. 

Verbal abuse is extremely hard to recognize for the victim, which I why I suggested reading the previously mentioned book.  I understand you love your children, but you have to love yourself too.  How he is treating you is unacceptable.  I hope that you will find a solution that works for yourself and for your children.  The present situation does not! 

Am i being abused? - Amy - Jun 18th 2009

i have been with my husband for 15 years. we both came from bad marriages. he has 1 child and I have 2 we have raised eachothers children as a family. he has been severly ill off and on over the years and i always made excusses for him when he was so mean saying it was due to the meds. but lately it has gotten so much worse. he always calls me a lier and says i cant do anything right. we work together in a small business that we own and with the economy being the way it is he says our financial problems are all my fault. he has been drinking alot lately. and constantly spitting critism. he says i will never be able to do anything myself, that he isnt going to leave me anything except the life insurance policy everything else is going to his son when he turns 30. if i clean the house he says why didnt you cut the grass or if i leave the kids (now 15, 17 & 18) stuff for them to pick up he yells at me or one of my boys even if his boy does it. i seem to always be walking on tip toes not to make him mad. if i get on to his son he yells at me and says why dont you get on to yours. i tell him i do when they do something wrong he says oh that must be another secret thing youve done behind my back.

im not a bad person, i go to church i have really good, well behaved children, i get told all the time that we wouldnt have any business if it wasnt for me because he really isnt very friendly. but now i have to put on a fake smile, and pretend like everything is wonderful but i cry myself to sleep and when no one is around i cry. i feel like i am worthless! last night i even considered not living anymore. but then i thought about my children thats all 3 boys. lord help me please! i see no way out. i cant leave because the youngest is not legally mine and if he isnt saying these things to me he might turn on him.

i think im sinking into a major depression. the oldest son is constantly asking what is wrong. i dont know what to do anymore...... any advice is welcome.

am I really crazy - tinabop - Jun 7th 2009

How long do you stay, tolerate and otherwise not give up when after 17 years you have a "sweetheart", ( we aren't married ) still says things like Shut the F up you F'ing B****, or  You F'ing C word, or you F'ing mental...I feel so dumb, I love him, when he is good he is very good but when he is not so good...well, I feel like I am all of the comments above...when I reply in a confrontation, he patronizes me like he never said anything bad...AM I CRAZY for being angry?

So hurt and confused but still in love - - Jun 4th 2009

I couldn't help but find some common ground with your comment.  I recently had to leave my husband.  He was verbally abusive, really from the start (something I have realized now through counseling and discussing his actions toward and letters to me).  Since I left, I have also been educating myself on abuse, which I would highly suggest for you to do. 

This has been an extremely trying time for me because I still do love my husband.  However; I came to realize that if I love him I cannot stay with him.  By me staying, I am saying that his behavior is acceptable, and it is not acceptable.  One thing about abusers that I have learned is that they are aware of how they are treating the victim.  From your posting, it sounds like your significant other is completely aware of how he is treating you and is not willing to compromise his stance.  You are correct, it will not get better.  My best advice for you is to accept that reality, leave him, educate yourself and seek counseling.  

I know you say you love him, but you have to decide you love yourself more than him.  When you make that decision, his actions toward you will no longer be acceptable and/or tolerable.  

some books that have really helped me are:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship:  How to Recognize it and How to Respond.  by:  Patricia Evans

Why Does he Do That?:  Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men  by:  Lundy Bancroft

It's My Life Now:  Starting over after an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence  by:  Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock

so hurt so confused but still in love please help - confused - Jun 2nd 2009

recently I have began to wonder if I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. my boyfriend and i have been together for 9 months, we live together, and speak of having a future with each other all the time.  problem is his temper and manner of handling arguments. i was late coming home from a girls night out with my best friend because i legitimately got lost (i was unfamiliar with the area i was in) and he would not speak to me for 2 days.  he tries to give me the silent treatment when i want to work things out and explain to him i dont mean to hurt him. his policy is an eye for an eye and he will verbally lash out at me til the point im balling my eyes out and feel worthless. a few days ago he had left his phone at work and i was asked to go have a drink with my best friend for her 21 birthday seeing i had missed the actual day since i spent time with him. i would have sent him info on my whereabouts had he had his cell phone with him (i dont have a direct line to his work). i had gotten home an hour and a half before he did, i was not drunk and i had made a ton of food for him for dinner and his work shift the next day. i went to lay in bed because i had a stomach ache he came home i told him how my night was and flipped out on me called me a stupid bitch, wouldnt speak to me for a day and when he did it just got worse. he said he could leave and find "another one (new girlfriend) no problem" if i didnt follow the rules of letting him know where I was.  he said he would feel no remorse if we broke up and that i was stupid and couldnt get his simple rule through my head. it hurts so much when he says things like this to me. he does not apologize and says it an "eye for an eye" policy. i hurt him he hurts me back. afterward when i say what he said to me hurt me real bad he just says i need to get over it and fiz it in my brain.i love him so much i dont know what to do its probably just going to get worse but i dont want to admit that. how can i fix this

What went wrong - - May 26th 2009

Thnak you for all your comments you don't know what it means to me to know that there is people out there that cares. The ase she has against me is for having an afair with her husband. Now I want to ask something else. Is there some way I can do something to gather up money to pay my debt I have a job and am working hard to pay it off but it is gonna take a long time. I have to do something to speed it up. Any sugestions PLEASE!

what went wrong - love you all - May 22nd 2009

first of all leave him. second of all what kind of case does his ex have against you? having an affair  is not a case against you. she is playing mental games with you.do you have family? go to them NOW. this man will never ever change.

noone has the right to tell anyone how to live or what to do. it is your life and your life only. you can do it.  just have faith in yourself.

Response to "What went wrong" - - May 20th 2009

What Went Wrong,

I'm sure there are better people out there that can give you better information on what to do, but I just want to let you know that NO! You DO NOT deserve this. This is not punishment or karma coming back on you for what you did. This is simply you being in a relationship with an insecure man that feeds off of putting you down. You are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when actually you are living in a control-based relationship. There is always a way to get out, and don't you dare think for a second that because of limited finances that you can't. There are shelters you can go to, or perhaps friends or family? The following numbers are for the Domestic Violence Resource Hotline. They will be able to give you referrals for shelters and counselling in your area: 1-800-799-7233 and 1-800-787-3224. They will be able to guide you in the right direction and get you on the path to a better life. But know that you are NOT ALONE, no matter how much it may seem. I wish I could be more help, but I'm struggling with some of the same issues as you are. I left my partner 2 days ago, and I can relate to how scary it is to pull the plug. But after only 2 days away from him, I'm feeling much better. Yes there are the hard parts of the day, but it will be ok, as long as you move forward. Good luck.

What went wrong? - - May 19th 2009

I am a 25year old lady. I was unhappily married to a husband that did not provide for me finacialy, emotionally, nothing not even sex. 2years back I got involved in a affair with friends of ours. The guy seemed perfect everything I ever wanted in a man. and his wife just seemed to be rubbing him up the wrong way all the time. She also admitted to having an affair of her own shortly after they got married. Th affair between me and Mr Right continued naturaly growing stronger and stronger. I eventualy ended up sleeping with him after about a year. at this stage he's left his wife they git devorced about 3weeks ago. she opend a case against me for having an affair with her hubby. In the meantime he has changed a lot, he's not that affectunate towards me any more, he got controlling telling me who my friends can be and who not who's nubers I could have and who's not. He even wanted me to make an issue out of the fact that he gave me permission to get on facebook and when I said I alreay did say thank you he ot anry cause he expected more from me. If that happens he usually tells me that ya he expects to much from me and its his fault he should'n t do that he kind of gives me the idea that he's 'higher' than me. He knows my financial state very well as he demanded to see my budget every month. (I stopped doing that as from last month). if we fight he always tells me that he is never right cause I turn the tables on him and make it his fault. He is never wrong and can't make peace, fogive and forget and there is only one way and that is his. Last Sunday he got so angry becourse of a friend who send me his mail adress that he send him ugly smsses and said ugly stuff to him Mr Right ended up hitting his fist against his home office door (bloody). I just lay there in bed watching him as he hopped around promising me if he found my friend in Pretoria that he will kill him. He also accused me of having an affair and said that this friend is probably the guy I am 'fu*** him around with' (His exact words). i just looked at him just to tired af all the weeks fighting over nothing. If I do things he does we fight he has this idea in his head how, when and what i should say, do and reply and if I don't then we fight and he tells me how wrong I am. He even gets jelous of my dogs when I give them attention. We stay together and I do not have a car as my almost X hubby took my car (it was registered in his dads name) i don't have the finances to move and what if I move and out of revege he helps his X wife to build a case against me? PLEASE SOME ONE HELP ME OR DO I DESERVE THIS FOR WHAT IVE DONE I CAN"T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE.

BRAD - its me - May 14th 2009

Brad,

My advice to you is to leave her sorry butt and i am a 41 year old woman telling you this. First thing you need to do is get your own bank account only in your name and also call the credit card company and close out her account if she is on your credit card as a card holder. watch your butt is all i can say. i have see it before. how old are your children? go find a lawyer and know your rights as emotionally abused man. aslo call up a domestic hot line and talk to them they can lead you . documment everything . if you by something save the reciept. keep any paper work at your job or open a safety deposit box at the bank. first thing is take your name off the bank account and get one only in your name. if she dont like it oh well yes she will cus and scream.  also sit down and do a bugdet of the half you will be paying in the household. you sound like a wonderful man. also CLEAR YOUR TOOL BAR HISTORY ANS CHANGE PASSWORDS ON YOUR COMPUTER AND ON EMAIL ETC.  the less she knows the better off. 

Brad - - May 10th 2009

I'm going to be blunt, Brad. You're married to a zero. She's a manipulator and a cheater. The only one being abused is you. She's not going to change. Get your finances separate from hers and take your most prized possessions somewhere she can't get to them and file for divorce. You deserve way better. Lots of women would give anything to have a guy who does as much for his family as you do. You can do this.

what to do - brad - May 8th 2009

i have been maeeied to the girl of my dreams or thats what i thought for the past eight years  i do most of the cooking and cleaning and i wait on her i rub her feet and tell her how wonderful she is i also tend to the children and maintain a fultime jobin the last two years she has went back to school to get her rn degree now she is out with the girls three to four time a week till five am she callme stupid and tells me that sex with me sucks she spend money like crazy clothes and shoes fast food and bars and when i tell her that her actions make me upset she says i am verbaly abusing her and i dont want her to have any friends  and i should get some help i am so confused i have only raised my voice twice in eight years both time when i caught her cheating i am 43 and she is 29 i work 65 to70 hours a week to support our family but she say i am guilty of family neglect she has me so confused somtimes i wish i was dead ami a abuser my kids love me my 17 year old daughter tells me i am a great dad thats makes me feel good i dont know how or when she got this kind of control over me can any one out there give me some advice on what to do e-mail me @radbrad4@yahoo.com thanx

Mary Jane and other abused women - sam - May 7th 2009

Get the hell out of the house. He will not change at all. Do you want your kids to be living in that ? Some kids who are raised in an abusive household end up to be abusers themselves. Do you want that? This man will never never never change. You think it is bad now just wait. Pack up  your clothes and the kids and your documents and go to the local church and they will help you to get to a battered woman safe haven. The heck with the stuff in the house. Your life and the kids life are more important. Does he work? Or do you support him? I did it twice and I am happy with life and myself. The heck with him. If you know what is going on then do something about it. I did all the excuse things, oh my stuff. You know what stuff you can get back. Look at your kids and see how they are mentally. He does not love you he is an controller and an abuser. Stop with the excuses now. Exuses dont get you anywhere in life. I did it and you can also. How dare he make you live like that going with out so he can have everything and you and your kids go without. That is not a real man. My name is sam .Please write on this site and let me know. I will pray for all of you. To the kids who are being abused call the cops or go to a teacher . If you cant face a teacher talking about it write a note and hand it to him/ her after class. Or tell your grandparents ot aunt or uncle the ones you trust to help you. I lived it also. The abuse of any kind will not end unless  you do something about it.

I am abused - Suzee - May 6th 2009

I  have been belittled, humiliated, embarrased, neglected, bruised, screamed at, and ignored.  Just 3 days ago, my husband wouldn't let me out of our room, was poking me to invoke a fight, and unplugged the phone when I tried to call for help.  11 months ago, he left bruises on my arm, I reported it to the police.  The magistrate let it go.  I've been sleeping on the couch for 11 months.  I've gone 10 years without contacts, 15 years without dental care, years without clothes or shoes, all the while hearing "you can't have!"  Once in a while, I get a reward for good behavior.  Not this year, I am being punished for calling the police on him.  He has even tried to convince me that I bruised myself.  I've documented everything he's done, including sending text messages to another woman on X-Mas eve as we sat at dinner with family.  I'm trying to overcome the abuse.  When he stopped me from leaving the room, on Sunday, I took control and told him I knew about the texts and have photos of them.  The atmosphere suddlenly changed, he stepped away from the door and made up excuses and lies. (as usual)  But the cockyness was gone.  I know he needs control of me, he lost it.  But I do fear that things will esclate. 

j dizzle - justin - May 6th 2009

i think u should call child services because they can help u with ur problems and ur not anything negative. u need to start thinkion postive and let go off the negatvie!

Confused and Bruised - Katie Heartbroken - May 6th 2009

I'm 14. My parents went through a divorce when I was 5. My new step daddy came when I was 7. My mom's and acholic. But no, she doesn't drink every day or all the time. But when she starts, she can't stop. She acts like a 3 year old and I have to take care of her. But back to the problem, my "wonderful" mother told my brother who is 5 years older and stronger that he could hit me when I misbehaved and argued with him because "It'd happen to me in the real world when I was being a b****". He always put me down, always made me cry, he didn't hit me all the time, we only got in a bad phsyical fight maybe once a month. He always told mom on me. She always favored him and believed whatever he said. So she'd always argue with me and ground me and make me miserable. Now he's moved out, but things are still bad. My mom always throws my past mistakes in my face. She always pushes me more then I can go. Her punishments can be to extreme and she always makes me feel stupid, and like she hates me. She can be nice sometimes, but for the most part we don't talk, other then when we're fighting. My step dad doesn't care and has never made an effort to connect with me, my mom even told me that. At my real dad's house, oh the crazy step mom. Man, she's insane and they're always fighting. It's terrifing. The last time I was there, I was huddled in the upstairs, bathroom floor, crying and hoping to God it would stop. From all the family and friend problems, I have cut. And I've thought of suicide. I just want out. My friend Mae, pushes me to call Child Services but I don't think I could get out just because of something that minor. And wouldn't I just have to move in with my dad? I wouldn't be happy there. I kind of want to go to a mental instituation to get things figured out and because I need it. I'm crazy. I'm lazy. I'm to irresponible. I'm unwanted and a stuck up brat. I'm a b****. :// They wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. I'm fat and ugly. I forgot to mention that. ://Help me. Email me. Tell me what to do. I need something new.

abuse - 15ana15 - May 5th 2009

well hello my name is ana and my mother has been married for 1 1/2 years and at first when they started it was all fun and games and he was sooooooo nice to me my mom and my sister. but as they got more serious he started to change with my mom, sister, and me. he started to change because he would always tell us what to do like if my sister wore a pink shirt w/black pant and red shoes he would tell her to change and to tuck her shirt in and tell her she ugly and fat by the way she wore the clothes. until one day we told our mother and they began to argue and almost broke up but my mom took him back. but one time he had put me down by saying im ugly, not going to finish school, a loser, say he don't like me, he don't like when  i talk he say i talk to much, and when i want to spend time with my mom he would make me do something else. 

don't know - mary jane burch - May 1st 2009

I am in a relationship and I cannot seem to get this man out of my house he is verbally and Psychological abusive to my children and I, and I have tried to do everything I know to do to get help and no one seems to want to help. The police is saying that we are common-in-law married and I will have to get a divorce from him and I do not have the money and I went through the legal aid service and I will have to put up the filing fee so I am still in the same boat I can not afford it. I am on my way of trying to file bankruptcy so he knows I do not have any money and that is what is getting to me and I feel like I am going to go crazy if I do not get this man away from me soon. He is an alcoholic and he goes out every weekend and drinks and comes home and starts cussing us for any reason he can think of. And I will not let him talk to my kids any kind of way so it ends up he call me a lot of hurting things to me and I just can’t take it anymore. I am tired of being around someone drinking I was raised with a alcoholic father and he did me the same way and it took me so long to prove to him that I was someone and I found out through that I was a strong person but I can not get out of this and I do not want to raise my kids in the same way I was raised. And it seems like this is just too much for me now and I am feeling like giving up and throw my hands up and say I give up but I am not the one to give up that easy so I am getting to the point of knowing way people hurt the ones that are hurting them and I know I will be in jail for what I am thinking. So I am on this site trying to find out something I can do to help myself. And if any one has got an answers feel free to share but I will not stop until I find out a way to get out of this.

The hAter of haters - Eric The one - Apr 29th 2009

Stepfather's can either be cruel or nice. My stepfather is neither. He is basically the devil. he always put's me down and calls me innapropiate ways. Just deal with the names but the outting down stand up for your self and say NO! 

how do you stop - courtney - Apr 15th 2009

how do you do stop sexual abuse

Stepfather's controlling attitude and verbal abuse - - Apr 10th 2009

My stepfather for years maintained a cruel and sadistic attitude towards me, throwing verbal abuse at me, playing games where he would try to "out do" me in front of my mother. My father died when I was very young. How can these people think they can get away with it? It is disgusting. It is only now that he has decided to try and change his ways. He would talk about his rough childhood and how he'd had it so bad and completely dominated without concern for my feelings.

He would keep on and on critisizing me for no reason, and often out of some kind of jealousy that he has because he has a poor relationship with his mother, and just kept sabotaging my happiness at any chance, waiting for me to break. And when I did he seemed happy.

My mother maintained that she "knew nothing" about this creepy side of him before they were married, and they had no respect for my feelings during the entire process which was quick and immediate and without any sense of understanding. It was a cruel and selfish reign of terror which still lasts today as I struggle to make sense of my life and to deal with this unpleasant man who ruined my life.

He apparantly has some kind of disorder, but of course being a "big boy" he can choose not to get help. He is a wimp and a coward underneath it. Who else would choose to pick on a young teenage boy, and drive them into depression?

If he died I would pity my mother's feelings.  

hate life - - Apr 9th 2009
fU*K mY LiFe :O

Sexual and emotional abuse - Tinkerbell - Apr 8th 2009

I am also a victim of sexual and emotional abuse, lost my mother before the age of three.  My father remarried an alchoholic abusive woman only 12 years older than my sister.  She had a son out of wedlock, left my father then returned pregnant saying that the baby was his. My father took on his responsibility, from there forward I was locked in closets, made to clean vomit (I think she was poisoning me) at 3 years old. Sexually abused by her younger brother, I still remember the black light in his bedroom. Later found out at 35, 2 other cousins were abused, male and female. I finally told my sister at 30 years of age what this guy had done, my stepmother and father instantly insisted that it was not their fault, it was mine. I am now 40 yrs old and disown them, I have 2 beautiful children and finally love myself. Now that I have eliminated them from my life, it is sooo much better. My husband is a nice person, but from day one 14 yrs has told me that I'm mental and have issues from my past.  He is very secretive about money, gambles etc....I have no clue what our assets are, any time I ask, he yells at me. He's very intelligent and has called me uneducated a few times.  It brings back memories of the emotional abuse my stepmother inflicted. I have never been physically violence, but sometimes out of anger I want to smack him for the name calling and belittling words.  I've been to couseling and have been told they never would have guessed my history/childhood background.  To all of you out there that has been abused, YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS. The last few years, I have repeated to myself that I'm only here on this earth once, HOW DARE ME LET MY STEPMOTHER CONTROL MY LIFE. If you allow these people to CONSUME your life, then THEY WIN! Enjoy who you are, I woke up one day and said OMG, I NEVER want to be like them!!! It's still hard trying to be a parent, because I didn't have good role models (I only do the best I can) I think my kids like me. :) Hugs to all and please love you for who you are, don't let someone turn you into a MONSTER.

hurt by the ones i loved - hurt - Apr 3rd 2009

hi, i am an 18 year old female that has been abused in every way possible.....at times it is hard to believe that someone that u love acan hurt you this bad but it has happened to me and to others as well....i have been physically abused by my grandmother nad my foster parents. i have been raped twice and one of the people i knew personally which has hurt me to see him each day and be scared to say a word to someone. i have been molested by my stepfather and i have also been mentally and emotionallt abuse by others who told me i was worthless and dumb and that i have no one in this world that cares about me. it is very difficult to live in a world that you believe that no one is here for you and that u deserve to be hurt like i have been. now i am recieving counceling and its hel;pful but at times i feel as i dont deserve my life and the people that i have in my life. i just want you to know that you are not alone. there are others that feel your pain and you can make it through. if you need someone to talk to be free to email me at xosenia15ox@aol.com . i am always here to reach out to those in need.

To "Beginning signals of verbal abuse" - Beth - Apr 1st 2009

My stepfather is just like this to both me and my mother.

You have to get out of this relationship or your life might become a living hell. Go tell family what is going on and move in with them and file for divorce. I don't mean to sound bossy, but this guy WILL ruin your life and identity.

PLEASE, get out of this relationship, and since you haven't been married to him that long, the easiest time to escape will be RIGHT NOW.  People like this will try to get you into something (a pet, get you pregnant, etc) that will make you obligated to stay with them!

Oh and if you are sharing a computer, make sure to get rid of your browsing history, otherwise he might be able to find out where you've been and hurt you.

I truly wish you the best.

My whole life - Beth - Apr 1st 2009

I was born into verbal and pychological abuse from my father, who would pick on me "the worst" as my mom and sister have told me. I have memories of him sexually abusing me, that I choose to ignore because I can't bear for it to be true.

Well my mom divorced him when I was almost out of Elementary school, only to go out with another man who would strangle and punch her and make comments about "spanking me". I later found out that he liked teen porn, and he liked to see the teens belittled.

She stopped dating him after a few years and then met a guy and married him after a few months (on her ex-boyfriend's birthday).  He is who she is with now, and has been since the early 2000's.  But I have to say he is the worst.  He screams and yells at both of us especially when he doesn't get his way.
He uses psychological tactics that makes my mother and I want to die.
He'll often buy extremely expensive things and lie to my mother (who is brainwashed by him) that we need it and it's the best deal.  He also bought something as a gift for me and my mother, only to make me pay for it.

This all seems almost "okay", but the fact that we are in serious debt and he got fired from his job fall last year makes it "not okay". We are struggling to survive and he keeps on buying things.

When I tell my mother he's abusive, sometimes she gets angry at me and other times she tells me "she knows", yet she waits on him like she's his slave.
He's even yelled at her about not having dinner ready by six o'clock.

I have barely scratched the surface with this evil, cruel man.

I come out of this being an atheist and mostly lesbian. I'm lucky to have found a wonderful boyfriend recently, and I'm glad he's the first man I've dated (me being 21 now).

Well, the question is, how can I fix this? I recently lost my job too (the company I worked for went under) and I feel like can't escape. I have nights where I can't sleep and all I will randomly start crying. I have stopped attempting suicide since I was lucky enough to find a boyfriend, but I still sometimes want to die or to kill my stepfather. I've had to protect my mother since I was little and am starting to hate her too.

I don't want to be a bad person, but sometimes I want awful things to happen to them. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind, but my boyfriend says it's all the abuse that is making me feel insane.

Where can I start?

Editor's Note: In the textbook example of how to respond to someone drowning in a pool, the thing you are supposed to do is to throw that person a flotation device (a life preserver) - not actually get in the pool with them.  The reason for this is that the drowning person may try to use the rescuer as a floatation device causing both people to drown. I don't know how well this attempt at an analogy fits your situation, but I offer it as a possible fit.  You cannot save your mother through direct efforts as she has chosen this abusive path for herself and is the only person who can extract herself from it.  However, at age 21 you are capable of functioning independently of the abusive situation at home, and at some level the more distance you can put between yourself and that situation the better.  If you can move out of the home into a safer living situation (not a perfect situation but a safer, more distant one), you may gain a little perspective on things that will help you start to heal.  Other ways of gaining perspective include participating in support groups for sexual abuse victims and your own psychotherapy (whcih will have to wait until such time as you can afford that, I suspect, but which will very likely be worth your investment when you can manage it).  You are not a bad person for having ambivalent thoughts (hating and loving at the same time).  That's just normal for the crazy situation you're in and need to find the strength and resources to extract yourself from.  Unlike your mother, you did not get a choice whether to participate, but you have one now.  

re: begining signs - - Mar 31st 2009

dear begining signs,

     This problem is not going to go away it will get worse as time goes on. Believe me I know. HE is not an intelligent man treating you like this. Pack  up your clothes and personal items. leave stuff behind .. dishes, t.v living room etc. pack  and get out  fast.  HE is beating you down emotionally and to will turn to him hitting you soon. Pack up go to a friends house or families house that he does not know and get a restraining order against him.  As i was reading  your comment i said to myself, my god she married my ex husband.   Change all your passwords on the computer a.s.a.p. change it to a person or place that you only know about. good luck  my prayers are with you

abuse - ashlybacon, Ar - Mar 30th 2009

my name is ashly and im about to be 17 me and my mom dont get along and we get into these arguments then she comes out with you make life misarable sometimes i wish i wasnt a mom and that i can go f myself i know its not phsical abuse shes only put me agianst walls i want to live with my sister or grandma im tierd of getting put down and feel like im not worth anything ive asked her to let me move but she wont what do i do im only 16 going on 17 in oct. of this year09 PLEASE HELP ME I DONT WANT THIS LIFE ANYMORE  if you have any suggestions plz email me at baconashly17@yahoo.com

How do I handle being abused by the ones i love - - Mar 28th 2009

Im a 17 year old girl

Over the past couple of years my bigger brother has been yelling and telling me that he is going to hit me and that he hates me and wants to kill me..Even today he tryed hitting me in the face but he missed when i moved,But he picked up something and through it at me and it me on the back of the head..He tells me that he hates me all the time.

Beginning signals of verbal abuse? What to do? - - Mar 28th 2009

I recently married a guy I had been dating over 3 years.

Only now am I realizing that this was a foolish decision.

We have been married only 3 months. The way he has treated me in the past 3 months has left me feeling powerless and worthless. 

He has limited all my outside interactions. He pouts if I want to see my dad or call my brother. I find myself giving into to his control and not calling my friends or family and not contacting those I love because I am afraid of an outburst from him.

Today when I called my brother who was sick, my husband came by me and screamed, "F***king Loser" at me. All I could think was that I hope my brother didn't hear because I didn't want him to worry about me. This language and treatment has become normal to me. 

My husband tells me, " I don't do sh**t around the house" even though I cook him fancy dinners every night, clean the kitchen, take out the trash, pick-up the bathroom, make the bed, and run all our mutual errands. He has told me I am a f***king lazy a**." 

He is extremely intelligent and will often calls me "stupid," "idiot," or "moron." 

I am starting to believe him and see myself this way. 

He criticizes every thing I do and implies that if I wasn't so stupid I'd do it differently. 

When he is angry at me, he will stand in front of me saying the cruelest things until I am literally sobbing on the floor. It's like he won't stop until he pushes me to that point. And once he does, he just stands there smirking like he won something. 

I have never felt so degraded or worthless in my life. At times I feel like I am going crazy. 

I do not know what to do.  

I have exspierenced all of these types of abuse - Hannah Wise - Mar 21st 2009

I am a 16 yr old girl that is almost positive that I have exspierenced all of these types of abuse. I am also a traumatic brain injury patient. I think that my injury may be a key fact in why these have happened to me. I think people don't think I know what is going on. I think that maybe they don't know they are doing this. It doesn't help that I suffer from severe depression. If anyone wants a friend or someone to talk to my myspace is the best place to reach me. look under hannah_banana5555@hotmail.com

thanx

This is a relief... - - Mar 19th 2009

I have stumbled across this site, while on a desperate search for some sort of self-help information online to escape the demons of my past.   I grew up in a two parent home with three brothers, a distant father who worked outside the home, and a mother who was a home-maker and brutially critical to me.  I remember being called bitch, fat, stupid, ugly, slut (although I never had sex until I was 21yrs. old!), selfish, mean.   I remember my mother ganging up on me with all three of my brothers, calling me names and ridiculing me until I cried.  Then she would tell me that I was over reacting and too "sensitive"  and they were all merely joking!  It seemed that I was always at the butt of every joke.  She would also compare me to my younger brother all the time, saying how loving he was and how she never wanted to have a girl and only wanted all boys.  Then she would tell me that she loves my younger brother so much becasue he was also a Pisces like her and becasue I was a Virgo that made me a mean, selfish bitch.  I remember her name calling dating back to when I was nearly five years old!  I never understood why she loved my younger brother, who mind you we are only a year apart, more than me.  If me and my younger brother got into a verbal or physical fight as kids, she would always take his side, blaming, punishing, and verballing abusing me as a result.  Luckily I survived a suicide attempt at the age of 15.  No one at home new about it, because I took a handfull of random pills from the medicine cabinet and woke up the next day with a really swollen face.  Any way I managed to escape my mother as much as possible while in high school by staying busy with homework from my Advanced Placement classes, and working close to full time.  By the time I was 18 I went off to college and graduated with honors. I can't believe that I made it through!  If I believed some of that stuff my mom told me I would have ended up doped out, prostituting, and doing other various criminal actitivy.  I don't even think I would have made it through and completed college.  I struggle with the demons, hearing my mother's words everday.  It's sad, but I never heard anyone tell me I was beautiful until I went away to college.  I never believed it until I started hearing it a lot.  Now I have I child of my own now and I'm filled with lost of self-doubt and fear that I will repeat the same things that my mother did to me to my son, who is only 2yrs. old. With the right help and right tools I know that I can get past this, until then I just deal...

No Pattern - Allan N Schwartz - Mar 14th 2009

Actually, no one has a monopoly on committing abuse. It may seem as though mothers commit abuse more than others but that only has to do with responses to this particular forum. Fathers, husbands, wives, and adult children against elderly parents, are all guilty of committing abuse, not only mothers.

Dr. Schwartz

Noticed a pattern - - Mar 13th 2009

I notcied a pattern here. Most of the abuse is done by the mother. Gets me thinking,

I disowned my parents and most of my siblings and i am happy i am an orphen - - Mar 13th 2009

i am a 40 year old woman and i disown my family except for 2 syblings.  my parents were not good parents we were very poor and put us kids in harms way. my older sister who at the time was in her early teens was seeing a very older man and the parents found out so they signed papers for  them to marry instead of putting him in jail. he was a pedaphile and a child pornographer who hurt me and my neice and nephew. they found out and no he was not put in jail . they had my sister divorce him and he took custody of their son. I was always told to sit down and shut up that i dont know what i am doing , even up to i disowned them. i was abused by my first husband and he had his friend rape me. i was told do it or get your azz beat. that happened a few times and him abusing me. i left. secand husband was mentally abusive nothing i did was good enough for him. it had to be like the way his mother did things . i left after 7 months. i later found out that my mother was behind us girls losing our children 2 of us got the child back. one was the pervert we never saw the child again and when my sister was 17 she was forced to give here child up to foster care becaus my mother didnt want any more kids in the house . at the time iit was 6 of us. she got her daughter back after marrying a wonderful man. me after i left my 1st husband i moved home and took my son to visit his dad for 2 weeks then time came to pick him up it was too late. husband filed temp custody. years later i found out mother did that to not hav a kid in the house.  I wasnt allowed to fiish high school and when i went to adult high she pitched a fit and i had to move in with my sister. i was never allowed to do  anything. stay home sit down and shut up  my opinion was never heard and i snapped a few months whan i was told it was all in my head. my younger sibling is the favorite geneious of the family. we were poor and she made me quit school so the sibling can finish his i had old ratty clothes he had nice clothes. i was always told why dont you be like him smart. i gave up i met my 1st husband while i went to adult ed and married him to get out. as for adult ed she came to my sisters house and started a fued and i had to leave because my brother in law was in the military and the m.p was going to be called. so i left. she always said to us kids wish i never had you but wouldnt trade you. and she said up untill the day i disowned her was  you damned kids. she disowned almost everyone of us 8. talks crap about them to other siblings. but she has her favorite the youngest. we ended up homeless in the early 80s because they wouldnt hold down a job. walked the streets of my home town a few days untill a sibling took us in . and all i heard was we are going to give you 2 kids to the state and she and dad where going to jump off the bridge.

    thank you all for listening i never told anyone what i told you all. i feel alot better, and i have my son. i have a wonderful man who worships me and my son adn never even raises his voice. wow i feel so much better. thank  you for listening oh sorry for misspelling some words. 

to answer my question please - - Mar 13th 2009

yes that is mental abuse . i lived it with my 2nd husband and it will get twice as bad.   get out and start a new life.  i did and i am glad i did. mental emotional abuse is abuse.

The Abuser - Glass mirror image of me - Mar 2nd 2009

To the love ones experiencing abuse ,Abusers have an illiness. Abusers are mentally ill. Although there is no DSM-IV diagnoses for this, I feel that this is a disorder. An abuser is caught up in their own thoughts and emotions and feelings of self regret, doubt, and fear. I feel that Abusers need help. It is very serious because they reflect or shift their aniety and anger to the easiest targets and their negative feelings and emotions on inocent people, usually are the ones they love.THey project their anger on the targets that they are familiar with and or use to. Then it is not their fault, or they rationile that the victim made them do it , But some hoew it is always someone elses fault and not theirs. They dont fess up to their own actions.I believe that they dont even realize that they do this. After they have abused they feel a positive response or a form of relief about self. This is dangerous, because they dont understand that there is a problem and they dont understand that it needs to be stopped. They might not even realize that their negative and hateful words cut into love ones hearts just like a knife would. I have spent my whole childhood with a man who abused my brothers and sisters and my mother. I guess she just got use to the mental abuse. I never did. I spent my whole adolesence and young adulthood trying to figure out why, and what was his problem. I tried to figure out was it me? and for many yerars I did blame myself for the put downs and words of hate. It was only when I became an adult with responsibilities that I learned  lots of people experience stress and anxiety with everyday situations. If they cant deal with this stress then they find other ways to express it. Some people get depressed, some Over eat or develpe addictions all just to cope with their issues with life. Others Abuse, Physically, mentally, socially etc. And it harm Others, This may also be a way to express their anger about their situations. It all is grounded around a deeper inner problem that the abuser is struggling with. They might not feel that they are ill because they are physicall well, but they are sick mentally and they need the help of professionals, before they hurt themselves or others. An abusive mind frame will kill. People might not believe that an abusive person could do such crime, but it could happen. Thats why if you are in an abusive relationship, If you know someone in an abusive relationship, or if you even think that you are being abused in any mannor, dont hesitate get them help, Try talking to them stating that you love them but they hurt you every time they___. And that you are concerned about their safty as well as your own. Even express to them that you will come along with them to talk to a counselor about what ever is bothering them. An abuser dos'nt want to be alone, and if you make it a must that they get help, or you must go, they might consider the help. But in any mannor if the situation is not changing You got to leave the abusive situation. It is not healthy for you, and or the people or children who witness the abuse. Dont let a Abuser bring you down Fight back by getting help for the both of you, or by leaving the situation.

if someone could answer my question please - - Mar 1st 2009

im not sure how it got like this but i think i might be in an abusive relationship. he goes to AA meeting cuz hes an alcoholic but he blames a lot of stuff on me. he yelled at me the other day cuz i ate some of the dry macaroni before dinner. He said i was ruining dinner, that it was all my fault. He has said cruel things to me in the past and i end up feeling worthless but he always says hes sorry and we make up. as i write this i know whats going through my head and that is that im in an abusive situation. What should i do. 

Honest Man - Bobbi - Mar 1st 2009

Get out!  This not someone you can save.  Why should she stop when she can do as she pleases and keep coming back.  Get your own life together.  Why is it you need this woman to be someone you need to save.  Hey, you have a problem.  Get help and answer the question.  You are not there because of her problems.  You picked her. You knew who she was before you married her.  You need her to be someone you need to save to make you feel good.  Why is it you need to be treated as if you are not worth loving?  You get help and shut the door on this relationship before one of you kills someone.

abuse is a monster - jean - Feb 28th 2009

I too was a child victim, who ended up with an abuser (as an adult). 

Now I am healthy becasue I left the monster of abuse.  When I look back, I think of the abuse as a monster that comes and eats/kills everything in your life.  All you can do is get out of its way.  You are alive and ... free to live a great life.  The hardest part is running away (from your monster). 

I met a wonderful man (16 years ago) and we can happily smile; we will be together for the rest of our lives.   I did bring into the relationship pain and it took patience on his part to help me through it.  It can be done but it never stops because there will always be people in our lives.  Currently, I am dealling with abusive neighbors (a covert aggressive).  The same applies... do not deal with them...get away from the monster.  Life goes on!  You get healthy and can laugh and see problems from a mile away!  You walk around smilling your living a childhood dream(s) of happiness yet that story still has monsters walking around.

THE TRUTH - BreeAnna - Feb 24th 2009

iF YOUR BEING ABUSED BY FAMILY OR A BOYFRIEND... LEAVE! I  was in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend for seven months it not worth it... and all the women stay becaue you love the person so much. but guess what if he treats you in any type of bad way... he doesnt really love you even if he says he does. TRUST ME! so get smart and get out fast. leave come leave a note or anything... you have nothing to explain... just go

abuse - sandra - Feb 19th 2009

i was abused by my father while i was growing up. now a  woman of 30, i am in my first serious relationship but i am finding it really weird and i am always thinking of cheating and being in a relationship with a man that is dangerous or unavailable. basically, i find that when a man mistreats me, i fall for them more.

my boyfriend doesnt deserve me, and doesnt know of these thoughts i have, and i really want to be good for him. i feel like i cant help myself sometimes.

No place to go - noplacetogo - Feb 13th 2009

My wife and I have been married for two years.  Before I knw her she had a terrible background with relationships.  Needless to say, it has carried into our marriage.  I know what many would say and in theory they are right. "I made the wrong choice."  However, it is the choice i made and somehow i have felt it was right to hope and pray.  Her unfaithfulness is not related to drugs or alcohol.  It is related to habit and a lack of groundedness in right and wrong.  I am not a pushover but i have been forebearing, obviously.  Actually i am confromtational in a good way in the beginning.  There was not much progress and she felt trapped in her lifestyle.  Always she has come back to me.  I have drawn lines further and futher away and she has always came all the way back.  Recently I moved hundreds of miles and then she followed.  We recommitted and within 5-6 weeks she was unfaithful.  An argument followed, bad words were said by her and then I slapped her once on the face.  I had never toched a woman before like that and I know it was enough.  Within a few days we seperated.  Now she wants to get back and she is contrite and I have started anger resolution.  I don't want to get back because of what i did.  I also dont wont to get back because of her "patterns".  I feel if i get back with her it will not help her.  We are still married and I also feel a responsibilty.  I am trying to figure what to do.  She, for the first time has agreed to go to counseling for herself.  I am going to a support group for spouses of sex/relationship addicts and counseling and I am hoping i can better assist in dealing with my wife.  I want to know if anybody has any advice that could help us, her or me?  My hope is to help her get grounded.  I have learned that the things I am gong through and my anger is triggered by her unfaithfulness and not burned biscits, BUT, I want to do better.  I am hoping I can LOVE in a way that changes her.  I really want help with my anger but at the same time keepstanding for my hope of a mongamous relationship.  Deep inside my wife wants one man.  She really does.

honest man - natasha and junior - Feb 8th 2009

my boyfriend is a very nice and fine young man i have no problem with him now i use to have problem with him but i ask god to help him and he did change his ways i love him so much

RE: Mom calls me awful things - savygal - Feb 8th 2009

Thank you for sharing your pain.  My heart aches as I read your entry. As an adult victim of childhood verbal, mental and emotional abuse, I speak from many years of counseling, self help books and group therapy. Please understand, your Mother's comments are NOT about you.  They are about HER:  her own unhappiness, her own self hatred, her own feelings of anger, her own low self worth and her own lack of self esteem.  I know that this does not ease the pain of her ruthless, insulting mental assaults, but I wanted to share this with you for your own well being.  Please speak with a school counselor or clergy member about this.  If your parents will alllow it, maybe you could join a church youth group, youth club or other positive, uplifting group to boost your self esteem and to provide support and friendship.  God bless you.

Please help! - - Feb 7th 2009

My mom is always calling me awful things! I know she doesn't love me

wow - - Feb 6th 2009

i never knew what abuse realy was please tell some one if your beng abused

high school boyfriend - ******************* - Jan 30th 2009

 don't ever let usr high school boyfrined control................

he is wrong no matter what he says.

remember he is only your boy freind

nothing esle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you are free.........................................................................

RE: My Boyfriend Jan 29 2009 - Donna - Jan 30th 2009

I have one thing to say to you.....and anyone else going through abuse!

Please Trust me.....

RUN FAST...DON'T WALK ...AWAY.....NOW!!!

I have been there done that!  You will lose yourself and wonder how & why you ever got in this situation. Soon you will have NO self esteem or confidence and will doubt everything you do. You will lose friends and family and for what??? LOVE?? Honey that ain't love!!   Mark this day on your calendar....it will either be your Independence Day or your Prison Term.

Capable, intelligent women emotionally incapacitated due to abuse - savygal - Jan 27th 2009

As I read these comments, I am remembering my own journey to physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellness.  My siblings and I were mentally, emotionally and spiritually abused as children.  We all suffer from depression, worthiness issues, low self esteem and emotional problems in our relationships.  I want everyone to know that nobody has the right to degrade you, to make you feel worthless, useless or stupid.  If you are constantly doubting yourself, wondering if your thoughts and feelings about your situation are valid or not, chances are, you are being abused or are in an abusive relationship. It is often difficult to determine if you are in an abusive relationship, especially if you suffered some form of abuse as a child because you have no healthy relationship example to compare it to. 

Our subconcious is designed to protect us.  If you have an inkling that you are in an abusive situation, most likely, your intuition and feelings are correct.  Please help yourself by talking to someone you can trust: a pastor, minister, clergy member, school counselor, teacher or Doctor. DON'T talk to the abuser(s) about being abused. The Abuser will almost always become angry and tell you you are imagining things and are not abused. You are a beautiful person, fashioned and designed in the Creator's image, worthy of all the happiness and joy that life has to offer.  

9 years of hell - aching - Jan 25th 2009

Ive been with my b/f for 9 years and the past 2.5 years he has basicly neglected me in everyway possible. i know hes cheating, and he has been priven to be a liar. Hes never hit me or anything like that but he has emotional, verbally,mentally abused me for 9 years! and he acts as if its all in my head. im through with it now, i hope and i will recover soon. to any woman out there, please get out. dont waste 9 year sof your precious life on an abusive person who doesnt deserve you in the first place. im broken down but i know that God will get me through this hell.  ive never treated him poorly, ever. and thats all i know is him treating me like disposable garbage. if i could get back those 9 years i wasted, id do it in a heartbeat....but i cant. i can only look foward to the future. bottom line is ladies, God did not make us to be abused. He has a purpose for us and its not that. So together lets all try to move on....we deserve the best. God bless us and be with us all.

TEEN LIVING ON HER OWN! =( - Olivia Quezada - Jan 24th 2009

I NEED HELP! im on my own my mom is ALWAYS phsycologically abusing me! my dad NEVER says anything. even when im crying they DONT CARE! my mom sometimes phyisically abuses me....she goes through my stuff with out permission i dont know where to look for HELP! sometimes i just feel like ending my life, but i just cant because i feel like there can be someone out there to help me.=(  i have good grades, im on a region champ dance team of estrella foothills, i dont do drugs, i dont smoke i dont drink either. i dont know what i have done to them for them to treat me like this! i try my hardest to stay strong but i cant handle anymore!!!! my house is ALWAYS a messs UNLESS i have enough time to clean it. my mom says she doesnt need to clean the house, and yet she is always on me about leaving my things on the floor OCCASIONALLY =(.....PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME OUT HERE!!!!!!!

my boy friend - - Jan 21st 2009

I have been in a relationship with this guy for about 7 months.  He seemed to be the perfect guy at first. He was open and honest and cared for me, but along the road he had gotten so comfortable with me that he forgot that i had feeling. He forgot that i am a woman of independence. He continuously throws off a domineering attitude towards me and constantly tries to dominate me in every conversation or argument that we have. I have never reallly been a compettive person when it comes to arguments so he takes advantage of this by saying that i am stupid because i won;t argue back, and that i am weak because i walk away. Im not a roudy person and i see him get that way it turns me off. He has absolutely no patience with me when we have a disagreement, he cuts off my conversations and wants to do all the talking. Recently he has been the biggest ass that i have ever seen. Im away from home and a little home sick so alot of the things that i have been doing, i have been messing. My conversation has been dumbed down and i've been breaking things. Im kinda stressed because of finances at home and here on my trip. He doesn't seem to understand where my problem lies. He told me last night in an argument about something so small that i was stupid and retarded, right in front of his brother and his brothers girlfriend. I was so embarrassed. HE cut me short and hurt me deeply. When i asked to talk to him at that moment alone, he said no, later. Now im here upset and sick to my stomach. i want to let him go, but i feel that we could work this out. any suggestions???

Mom - Catherine Coffey - Jan 13th 2009

Im 40 and I still hat my mom she enjoys making others upset and angry like her.After all these years I have realized that she will never change because peopl who enjoy hurting other never do.I need to change but it is so hard beacuse I have always wanted her to be happy with me and it never will so I have to remember that it never will happen and just ot be happy with my life and self. She is so nasty she is the type of person who laughs in your face when you get hurt.Shes even nasty to children.So all thoes out there who have the same mom.She will never change you have to just except it and stay away from her.Its sad I wich I didnt have to but for my sake and happiness I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its rell! - katelyn - Jan 12th 2009

 to the ones who think there abused. Its ok to think you are. Dont let no other tell you otherwise. what you need to do is tell some one you trust that you think you are in a case of abuse.  Help your self!!!☼

my mom - beth - Jan 9th 2009
   im 12 years old and i already cant stand my mom! she will sit there and tell me im not good enough! she and my step dad dave are constantly thretening to kik me out with my dad. dont give me wrong i love my dad and i would stay with him in a heart beat! but he was verry abusive to my mom when i was little. now i am trying to make my decesion if i want to moov form my mom who is far to critical, or my dad who could possibly put me through hell and back? idk what to do? and i hate being at home! but my step dad is always telling me that im not his and that he hates me! as far as my mom goes, i dont want anything to do with her! living with her is already a challenge! i have many friends at school, teachers and my bfs mom who i can tell anything to. i know i have many places to go. but scence dave has came into the pic, my mom has completly buted me out!

Broken Hearted!!! - - Jan 7th 2009

I'm in shock, my best friend told me I was being mentally abused by my husband. It wasn't until I  read the other comments I realized I'm in an abusive relationship. My Husband is a jealous compulsive liar,manipulator and a   thief. He always blame me for everything wrong in this relationship. He constantly tells me I'm a bad mother, I'm a horrible wife, because I'm not submissive to him. We have a 5 year old son together. If I give him a snack, I'm horrible because he doesn't like to eat. If he give him a snack it's okay. The holidays just passed, I cooked a big dinner for my family Thanks Giving and Christmas. I usually cook daily. The one day I decided not to cook. I was a horrible wife because I didn't cook. Anything this man can think of he find a way to make me the bad person. He has always been like this but I just called him immature. We've been married for 6 years and seperated once for 8 months. I took him back because I felt guilty that my son would grow up without a father. I realized I don't want my son to be like his father. So I'm leaving him again.He actually moved in with me. I gave him 30 days to find a spot. Recently I attended a furneral of a co worker and he said to me your going to this furneral "I hope you come to my furneral when I die".( who says that!) As we discussed what is happening to this marraige he took his wedding ring off threw it at me and hit me in the head. He says I want this marriage to end because I'm a bad wife. This is very deppressing for me because I work hard at everything in life, and I don't like giving up on things but for the sake of my sanity and my son I know it's the right thing. I'm a christian and should probably seek spiritual help. I would love if my husband got help so our marraige could work, but he doesn't think he have a problem. In the meantime I know seperating is the best thing.

To..."Power of Words" - - Jan 2nd 2009

You sound like a very articulate woman who understands what she wants and needs but just can't find the strength to go down those roads. I understand as I have spoken to and witnessed many victims of abuse, mainly children, however. But despite the age difference, abuse is abuse and it shouldn't occur. I too am a believer of Christ and I also believe that there are spiritual battles and they consist of anything that comes to destroy your inner man. In other words, a "force" that comes to still your peace, joy, and comfort. From a theological perspective, I'm sure you know what I mean. It is real and it happens to so many people. Unfortunately, they don't understand that it isn't a character flaw or a personality disorder (while this may also be part of it as well), it is more so a need to find salvation through Jesus Christ and accept his "gifts" of joy and freedom. It is a need to truly grasp the life of Christ so one may live similar to Him. No...I'm not talking about religion, that is, the religion that forbids you to wear pants or earrings, or has you do all the form and fashion of religion and thus you miss the real connection to God. I'm speaking about a true transformation of the heart and soul. The type of transformation and calling out to God for freedom and help that requires a Bible and an honest need to know Him.

You say you know Jesus, that's great! It doesn't make you a failure or weak because you can't find the strength to get out. There are so many reasons why this isn't always easy. But I would encourage you to keep speaking to God every day that you can and every minute. He can provide a way out for you. It takes time just as anything else in life does. The Bible says "Seek and you shall find...knock and the door will be open unto you." In other words, you got to speak to God and He will reveal all his "treasures to you."

Have you sought spiritual counsel or guidence "power of words?" If not, I would encourage you to. You can also sometimes find a great psychotherapist who respects and understands the importance of your religion. Perhaps God has placed that feeling of "I know this is abuse" in your heart for a reason. He may be providing a way out for you right now...but its hard to see because you haven't taken that step yet.

I wish you well.

Dr.T

Power of Words - - Jan 2nd 2009

It's 4:45am and I am here writing on a blog that deals with abuse.  I read the comment about die, burn, and choke.  I am 43 years old and I have a beautiful 14 year old son and I can't imagine saying anything that would destroy his since of existence.  I am a Christian and I have lived with an emotionally abusive husband for so long that I have not recognized his behavior as abusive.  I decided to come on the Internet and find out what is considered emotional abuse.  Last night, my husband screamed at me "You are the worse woman that I have ever met."  I was stunned at his words as they echo in my mind and soul this was certainly abusive.  I don't deserve to be abused no one deserves to be abused.  I understand being angry at God because why doesn't he stop the pain.  I love God with all my heart and I have cried out for him to let me die, but he didn't.  The fact of the matter my husband's behavior is not God's fault and God hates it as much as I hate it.  The free will given to all human beings is a great gift but so many people misuse that gift.  A parents responsibility to their child is to guide, guard, and govern to help their children grow into the awesome person they are designed to become.  I am responsible for my son and I encourage him to live, breath, and dream.  I don't who you are and 35 years old let me tell you something as a mother.  This is something that we do when we take groups on Encounters with God and deal with stuff like this and believe me I deal with my stuff too.  No one is exempt from having stuff to deal with it is the price of being human.  I have stood before broken men and women and have helped them get restored.  I will stand in for your mother because she is incapable of standing in for herself.  When I stand in for mothers I look the person in the eyes and I'll tell them as if they are really my child.  Forgive me for not being the mother that I needed to be to you.  I spoke words of destruction over you and it was never your fault.  Forgive me for making you damaged goods and not realizing that you are fine china and that the best gift that I have ever received is you.  You are a product of my own abuse and messed up mind and victims create victims please forgive me for wounding you and hurting you and I bless you and not curse you with my words.  I ask you and pray that you are restored and that every addiction of any kind is broken of you and I encourage you to fulfill the life that God has given you and do great things on purpose.  You are a champion, a leader, a history maker and world shaker and you will never designed to receive rejection and abuse don't die, don't burn, don't choke.  Please live the life that God gave you because you have purpose and we need you to fulfill that purpose and you will help others through that purpose.  You may be wondering what about my abusive relationship?  Well, went to a place called Prayer Mountain Dec. 31, 2008 and set in a 2 x 2 cottage with no heat and I prayed and asked God for direction.  Yesterday's incident was only confirmation of separating from my husband and allowing him an opportunity to get the help he needs.  Although his words are toxic I refuse to let them poison me any longer.  I am so gifted and talented and I love the work that I do.  I am a beautiful woman and a loving mother and if he can see that I am fine china then he doesn't deserve me.  I love him very much but I won't live 2009 the way I have lived the last 18 years of my marriage.  Christians have troubles too and hopefully we let God help us through them.  I am not looking for divorce but I am looking to be free and he will have time to take a good look at what he has done.  I come to realize that my husband is clueless to a degree of his abusive behavior.  He would never call it abuse.  He provides, hard working, and can be wonderful at times I was fooled into thinking it wasn't abuse.  It is time for me to be free because I do have purpose and I will complete that purpose with or without my husband. 

I owe it to me to be free from the bondage of someone else's destructive words.  We all do.  

die choke burn die choke burn - feels like a hex - Dec 23rd 2008

     My mom used to always tell me She hated me,wanted me to die,wanted me to choke and die,burn please burn his soul god,curse his soul god please,please go have a car wreck and die please,i ruined her life,I am nothing not going to be nothing,worthless,  ..........THERE IS NOT ONE ABUSIVE WORD SHE HASNT SAID TO ME......I am in my 30's now.I neaver got away from the abuse because I love my mom to much.I wish I would have left when I was 16 somehow because now I am disturbed I believe "permanatly".I dont want to do anything but sleep.I cuss God out all day long and beg him to kill me."everyday'.I dont have a job and I dont think I could even be able to work around people.I just want to smoke weed and be by myself because I can sense the abusive nature in others.especialy narcissistic ones.

  I read all of the things everyone wrote in here,felt sympathy and empathy and wanted to try to give some encouragment to all you young people know that what your parents are doing is wrong and You will wind up like me If you dont get away.I hate God ,I want to die I have no life left in me and I am only 35 and ready to die..

You dont have to be abused - Suejin - Dec 22nd 2008

these storys are heart breaking. im writing a esay on child abuse and found out more then i would have liked. i never knew so much went on under the radar. but above all you dont have to be abused. you may be hesitant now to do anything but really, life will get better if you get help. an the kind of help is not running over to your friends house. you can do that but a much better way is to get professional help. all of you, deserve better then this. all humans, men and women a like a created equal. all of youdeep under know you deserve better no matter who you are.

My own problems - Karl - Dec 19th 2008

Yesterday when i was writing "Am I right in this situation?" I was also realizing a problem in my head that I dont know why I need to talk to other females on the internet. I have realized i have a problem too. My problem has made it hard for my wife to trust me with her also being a jealous person because she has been hurt in the past. But it still doesn't give her the right to try and belittle me. But my problem I don't want our marriage to suffer because of my problem like it has. I don't know if i do it because she doesn't want me too, or if i do it to see if i get caught like she caught me the other day. I am torn in my own head i dont know what to do or how to fix it. I just want it to stop so I can have a happy marriage. I love my wife and daughter and want to live happily ever after (just like everyone else LOL).

Yesterday i found the mental test for depression i thought i had clicked on depression but instead i found out i clicked on the ADD after i took the test, which explains why the questions didn't seem right to go with depression. I came to find out i scored a 70 on the ADD which is the bottom of the full blown ADD according to the results. Would this be something that might contribute to my problem of talking to females on the internet? Its not like i care who they are or where they are from. But i do like to ask question find out if they are married or single but i don't really care because never go look for the same person again. Is it because it stimulates my mind and makes it feel good so subconciencly i feel i need to do it again? is it because it gives my ADD mind something it wants to focus on if I really have ADD (by the way i had a 44 on depression, 6 on alcoholic, and a 16 on anger [bad combo]LOL). But seriously i do feel like i need help to. Is there any advice that i can take to help myslef other than i just need to see a doctor? 

Am i right in this situation? - Karl - Dec 18th 2008

Yes i am a man and i feel depressed by the things my wife says to me. We have our arguements just like everyone else. I feel i have been trying to be a good person but my wife says im abusive after i say she is abusive toward her daughter and me. Sometimes she talks but for the most part it is yelling when you get in a dissagreement. I am not going to lie I have yelled back my self. But she accuses me of having girlfriends constantly asking if im going to see my girlfriend at work. She thinks that one of the females that work in my building is my girlfriend(she is not) She says she is just joking when i say she is trying to start a fight but she has called me at work trying to find out whopeople are that i am working with. She has called my work saying my daughter is in the emergency room just to get me on the phone with my boss standing next to the phone I tell her i will call back as soon as i can. Then continues to call if i don't call her back within the amount of time she sets for me. I feel like she is trying to control me.

I tell her she is abusive for yelling at her daughter for every little thing she does wrong. The one day she taunted her to the point she made her daughter cry then went into her room to smack her for crying. The daughter is not mine so i feel awckward about telling her how to disipline her child. I told her she was abusive for doing that then she said that she laft the last guy that told her she was a bad parent. Was i right or wrong? Did i say she was a bad parent?

I feel i cant talk to her about things because she hs told me i am weak or i am not man enough and that really burns me up and i feel like hitting her but i never do. She has told me tat she wants to have sex with other guys because i cannot fullfil her needs and she knew from the start that i have trouble lasting in bed before we got married.

Times i wil be sitting watching tv or something she will walk by pinch me, hit me, push my head and if i make a comment she says quit whinning wuse or baby. She wants to wrestle around but only if i let her win but if i try to push her off she whines that i am hurting her or abusing her then again she calls me abusive.

I wiil admit at one time i did say she was a bad mother staright out to her face because of the things she does. I was angry and just lashed out.

I have vented to females on the computer but never gave them my info to be able to contact me or reach after the fact i just use them to vent my own anger about my wife all they know me as is a name and a person with a problem. My wife hates that i do it, she has caught me doing it. She says i am mentally cheating on her. I do not havecyber sex with any one i just spill my feelings. I feel i cant talk to her because she just lashes out again. And now she is mad because she made a false name and pretended to be someone and started to talk to me to set me up. She learned that i am discussed with my marriage because the way she treats her daughter and I. She also asked if there was any one else that i was going to go running to and i said no i am just worried for my mental health and honestly there is no one else. I just want to be a happy person again.

She wanted the swigner life style in the begining and i agreed with it but after i agreed she could have sex with a single guy i had looked for a single women to have sex with she got jealous and said we could only have sex with other couples because she shot down every female i asked her about (isnt that a double standard?). So i said that i do not agree to being swingers because of the incident and reminded her of it one day and she said if i had said that she would have left me when i had said it. She thinks she can still swing but hasnt. I told her if she has sex with another man I will divorce her.

I feel like she is trying to control my life, what do i do?