Resources  email page print page Basic Information Introduction to AbuseAbuse DefinedTypes of AbuseDomestic Settings of AbuseInstitutional Settings of Abuse and Hate CrimesRecognizing AbuseEffects of AbusePost-Abuse Vulnerabilities Why Do People Abuse?Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?Changing Attitudes About AbuseIf You Are An Abuser...If You or Your Children Are Currently Experiencing Abuse...Abuse - If You Have Been Assaulted or Raped...If You Are a Third Party to Abuse...Preventing AbuseAfter the Abuse Has EndedAbuse Reporting Resources More Information 'The Magdalene Sisters' as an Illustrated Abuse PrimerAbuse Reporting ResourcesAn Abuse Victim’s Story: Beaten By Boyfriend, Then Burned By The CourtAn Interview with Daniel Sonkin, Ph.D. on Domestic ViolenceChild Abuse and the Role of Parental DenialElder AbuseHow Does the Child Welfare System Work?Legal Assistance for Elder AbuseMandated Reporters of Child AbuseSexual Assault ResourcesSome Thoughts about Victimization, Anger and AbuseThe Bystander Effect, What Would You Do?Wise Counsel Interview Podcast: Steven Levenkron, MS on Childhood Sexual Abuse of Women Latest News Male Abusers Often Sabotage Birth Control With PartnersChildhood Mistreatment Linked to Issues With MigrainePolicy Statement Addresses Child Abuse, Neglect IssuesWitnesses to Bullying May Suffer Most of AllBruising Pattern Can Predict Likelihood of Child AbuseViolence Between Couples May Not Be SpontaneousBattered Women's Ills Go Beyond BruisesImpact of Maternal Depression and Abuse on Children StudiedDoctors May Be Able to Predict Domestic Abuse Questions and Answers Delusional and Morbid Jealousy?I Don't Know Anymore. Please Help.Insane JealousyHow Can I Talk About My Greatest Fear?InorgasmiaAm I In Danger?Sexual Abuse and Its Effects on Relationships AfterwardsSociopath or Sociopath-like Product of My Environment?Is She Mentally Ill?Narcissistic StepfatherWill the abuse still continue?AngerSexual issues with husbandHelpShould I Switch Therapists? Sara, Nov. 4, 2008Did I push them too much?Violent/murderous sexual fantasiesIs it my fault that I was sexually abused? Did it make me gay?I am really worried about my mental health (19yr old female)I am a beautiful girl.....so why is my boyfriend selfish in bed?Is It Abuse? - Erin - Jun 24th, 2008My boss asked me about my sex life and im only 16.. please read!Abusive Relationshipabuse survivorI believe my husband sexually abused my daughter and is at risk for doing the same to my grandchildren. What should I do now?Why do I beat myself up over what they think?Is it my fault if my family falls apart after he cheats?Living with boyfriend - Am I dealing with one person or two?This guy I bullyCan he be changed?Münchhausen Disorder 'biproxy' (by Proxy)I get paralysed and cant do anythingHow do I keep my conduct disordered step-son from molesting my children?Rape victim who cuts and engages in BDSM to self-punish asks, 'Why am I like this?'cycle of abuse, but no apologiesFeel like I'm trappedFather is abusing and controlling my motherHow can I change my life?how to overcome sexual abuseviolent brotherSelf esteemHow to help a loved one who sees no problemHealthy sexuality not instinctual for me after abusive situationsi don't know if this is abuseafter verbal abuse19 year old daughter in abusive relationshipForgotten or just ignored?Domestic ViolenceIs this Schizophrenia?How to Deal with the Loss of Familyabout my childhood and why I am like this, but what can I do to changeDid I Love my husband and still abuse him emotionallyWhat is wrong with me?What Would This Be?A Request for HelpAdult ChildrenIs there a difference between abuse and trauma?My adult child has accused my husband of sexually abusing her...Regret my decision every single dayHe has hit me on a few occasions ...Need to find a reason for the abuseI'm a cutter and can't remember anythingHow Does Childhood Abuse Influence Adulthood?Abusive Older SisterAbusive MotherKilling Myself In His KitchenFear Of Remembering ThingsViolent SisterAbuse Warning SignsBest Way To Deal With Verbal AbuseMy RoommateA Mean, Verbally Abusive WomanConfused While Leaving An Abusive RelationshipPossibly Molested DaughterStill SufferingI Don't Know If I'm GayAbusive FatherWhat Abuse Looks Like #2Are Battered Women Mentally Ill?Recognizing Verbal AbuseDissociates When IntimateAre Bipolars Abusive?Daughter's Violent MarriageDefinition Of Being BeatenThe Aftermath of AbuseThe Goal of TherapyHaunted College StudentToxic ParentsAbused WifeAbuse and TraumaNo Desire For Sex 1Was I Sexually Abused?Mental AbuseLow Self-EsteemIntimacy IssuesAbusive GirlfriendEmotionally Abusive Marriage: What To Do?False PromisesAn Angry HusbandMy Gay Son?jb writes:Carol-Ann writes:Laura writes: Blog Entries An Abuse Victim’s Story: Beaten By Boyfriend, Then Burned By The CourtChild Abuse and the Role of Parental DenialThe Bystander Effect, What Would You Do?An Interview with Daniel Sonkin, Ph.D. on Domestic ViolenceThe Child is Father to the Man Abuse of Special Needs Children in our Public SchoolsChild Abuse PreventionBorderline Personality DisorderShould I Stay or Leave this Marriage or "When Is Enough Enough?"Child Abuse and Chronic Fatigue SyndromeAn Interview with Yulonda Brown on Surviving Abuse and Bipolar DisorderDomestic Violence: The Hidden Story of Abused MenAbused as a Child: Permanently Damaged?The Sexual Harassment of Girls and Sexual Minorites In Our SchoolsThe Long Lasting Negative Effects of AbusePeople Who Abuse, Are they Evil?Sexual Harassment in the Work Place, An ongoing problemAn Interview with Steven Levenkron, MS on Women's Childhood Sexual AbuseElder AbuseSome Thoughts about Victimization, Anger and AbuseThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part III, HealingThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part II: The ChildrenThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part IYoung Women and Sexual VictimizationIs This the Right Person for Me?Why People Remain In Abusive Relationships: Another Point of ViewWhat Kind of Father Are You?Good article concerning 'Spiritual' AbuseStockholm Syndrome and Regular Old AbuseEarly verbal abuse results in more adult depressionThe Deleterious Effects of Child Abuse'The Magdalene Sisters' as an Illustrated Abuse Primer Links [2] Articles[2] Associations[7] Community[3] Government[41] Information[5] Journals[1] Training[2] Research[1] Self-Help[6] Personal Experiences Book Reviews A Stir of BonesAccounts of InnocenceBecoming AnnaBreathing UnderwaterBruisesBut I Love HimDemons of the Modern WorldLittle ChicagoThe Kindness of StrangersThe UnsayableTrue BelieverViolent PartnersWhen Jeff Comes Home

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Domestic Settings

Much verbal, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse and neglect takes place in the home within the context of the intimate relationships between family members that take place within the home. Abuse between relationship partners is sometimes referred to as "partner abuse", "domestic violence", "relationship violence", or "family violence". Much child abuse and elder abuse takes place within the home as well.

When people think of abuse within the home, they most often think of a domestic violence situation among relationship partners, where an adult male perpetrator harms an adult female victim. The reason that this sexual stereotype exists (where the abuser is male and the victim is female) is because the vast majority of reported cases of domestic violence are reported by women. According to USDOJ statistics, women report on average more than 572,000 violent victimizations committed by their intimate partners each year, compared to approximately 49,000 incidents reported by men. It is likely that the actual number of men who are assaulted is higher than these statistics would suggest, for the simple reason that men are more likely to feel ashamed of having been assaulted, and are less likely to report assaults. Whatever the actual numbers of assaults are, the take home message is that anyone can be an abuser, whether male or female.

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Partner abuse may take many forms. Destruction of property, psychological and emotional abuse, and physical and sexual assault are all common forms. On the milder, but still quite serious side, domestic abusers threaten victims, use verbal put-downs and derogatory names, attempt to publicly humiliate them, and play manipulative mind games. Abusers are often jealous. They may attempt to limit their victim's access to family, friends or employment so as to keep them under better control and away from "outside negative influences" (e.g., away from people who might try to talk sense into them). Abusers efforts to limit victims outside contacts may result in victims not being able to stay in contact with family and friends, being unable to seek employment, or losing employment (due to absenteeism or decreased productivity secondary to abuse). In its more severe forms, partner abuse may involve physical and sexual violence against adult partners as well as child and even family pet victims.

Most child abuse and elder abuse also occur in the home. Child and elder abuse occur in all the ugly forms that partner abuse does; including verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. Another form of abuse that children and elders may be subject to is neglect. Neglect occurs when dependent children or adults are not provided with adequate amounts of the basic necessities of life, such as food, shelter, and clothing. Neglect can also occur when dependent children are not given proper attention and supervision. Neglect occurs for reasons other than lack of financial means. It is instead a choice that some parents (or adult children) make to withhold these necessities.

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Thank you!

Abusee is Wrong - karinna - Dec 18th 2009

Thats bullshytt dont let anyone put there hands on you, get out beforee its too late!

can sympathize with everyone - MAH - Nov 12th 2009

I understand what everyone is going thru because I have been there done that, I was in abuse for 5 long years, mine was from an alcoholic husband. WE had a child together that is now 29 yrs old and has a family, yes she is with an abuser as well. The anger and abuse that is in this man is very bad, he abused the 5 yr old and the mother could not protect her child, she chose the husband over the child when she should have protected him and walked away, now there is 2 more children in the pic. He has kept her away from the family for well over a yr now and I jsut have to let go and Let God have control. I will forver have her in my heart because one day she will return back to me,,,all you can do is Pray and I think I have had it bad, It is everywhere, it does not hide. People go thru this everyday and it is really sad...

How do I help - - Jun 8th 2009

My mom is going tho this, My dad is verbally abused and I am scarced it will get to hitting her. he is not so nice to my sister and I. It got a put where my mom cant leave without him with her, My sister and I and my mom are being calledd names like the c word. I was called, a slut because I defend my mother.

What do I do??????

Living with mental abuse the mans side - Jack - Mar 5th 2009

Hello,

I have been with my wife for over 20 years. my wife has intimidated me for many years now. she has said everything from that I am a bad husband and father and that I am a bad provider. she has for years yelled and sceamed at me for one thing or another. she has left me a couple of times and I have begged her to come back, and that I would try harder to make her happy. I could never make her happy. when I would talk to her she would just not listen. she has taken my credit cards and money away because I was to stupid to hold on to them. I have had to suffer the loss of diginity as I would beg everyone to make sure that everything was perfect before she got home or there would be hell to pay. if she would be angry she would make everyone in the house misirable. anything that I ever did was done wrong there was only one way to do anything right and that was her way no matter what. she has told me that I am fat and that I have a toad face and all kinds of things. she would tell me that I was lucky to have her and that I could never do anything right. this has gone on for years now until last week when she came in looking for a fight she started yelling in front of my kids and my dad I took her to the bedroom so that the kids would not see it and then after alls these years I lost it I slapped her in the face to get her to stop yelling. there was not even a mark on her but she called the police and had me removed. she had not paid the bills all month and promptly went to the bank the next day and removed all the money not even leaving me money for gas to get to work then while I was at work she and a bunch of her friends came into the houseand took everything and what she did not take she broke since then she has left me text messages telling me how she likes to be with real men and that I am nothing but a piece of $h!t and that I want to get her back but now after what I have read I do not want her back in mylife until she can admit she has a problem and get some help. the sad part is that I still do love her even after everything she has done like cheating and spending all the money and blaming me for it. just so you know it does happen to men too!

can i help him? - Savanah - Mar 4th 2009

i believe that my best friend is being mentally abused by his mother. i know him well and he's not a bad kid. he goes to school doesnt do drugs or drink that often. he had a girl friend which his mother hated. she got the teachers to keep updates on them so she knows whats going on in his life. she also hired a computer tech to hack his computer for conversations that he had with his girlfriend in the past 6 months. she screens his calls and wont tell him if his friends called for him. she lectures him about being a failure all the time. is this abuse? should i do something about it? can i do something about it? please contact me with the answer..

DIVORCED FROM AN EMOTIONAL ABUSER - JELENA DAMJANOVICH - Aug 23rd 2008

I am a 48 year old female that has spent the last 30 years of my life being emotionally abused by my husband.  I always used to hear my ex father in law tell my husband he is nothing and nobody.  Both my ex husbands parents were alcoholics.  At the beginning of our marriage he would tell me his nightmare stories of his childhood and the abused he incurred then after a few years he started emotionally abusing me.  I am a high graduate while he has a mba from university chicago.  He would always tell im dumb and to shut up in front of the kids.  So as the kids got older they started treating me the same way.  He had to control everything.  He had the mail go to a po box and he kept our financial papers in the trunk of his car so I didnt have access to them.  I was a stay at home mom who took care of my three girls  until I realized that I needed to get a job that will support myself.  I got a job with as a sales associate with one of the biggest print advertising companies in the country.  I would go to work everyday and think what he called me at home what he didnt realize he actually was motivating me.  After four years I had surpassed his income and then things just got worst.  He was so insecure and jealous.  I would win all inclusive trips year after year for two.  He would never go with me because he hated my success because it made him feel more jealous and insecure.  I couldnt even mention my company name in front of him because he hated that I had become independent from him and more successful.  Because I had stayed in the marriage for so long my kids after watching him emotionally and verbally abuse started treating me the same way.  My oldest daughter would spit in my face scratch own arm and then tell me she was calling the police to lock me up.  She hung up the phone after I asked her if she ever heard of dna testing that would prove it was her nails and not mine that scratched her.   I was left out of my youngest daughters family  birthday tradion in a restaurant because her dad told her to tell  me I was too fat and he would always   tell  me go have another whopper.  Finally after discovering he had installed spyware to read my keystrokes so he can read my 401k account  checking and saving account passwords.  He was making graphs of all my accounts while all his financials went to a po box and then to the trunk  of his car.  Im finally divorced but the problem are the kids.  I love them very much but they were very angry with me because I got 50 percent of the assetts because their father has brainwashed them into thinking after being married to him for 35 years I wasnt worry of half our assets.  They tell me I took their fathers money, he has brainwashed them so bad that my middle daughter went to court and said that me and my mom were awful and his attorney wrote letters quoting my daughter as saying that my mom and me could see her once we started behaving like a mother and grandmother.  The kids come to me when they need money clothes. Rides ect  he has them convinced that dads dont pay for clothes.  My youngest daughter would rather go without then ask him for anything.  I  need to get  help for my three daughters who are 16 18 and 22.  He doesnt want them to go to a counselor because he just says that he and his kids dont need help im the only psycho.  I got out of living with him  what cam I do to help my daughters realize the truth  that he has beem abusing them as well.

son being abused - Karen Mobley - Aug 11th 2008
My 38 year old son has Multiple Sclerosis and was diagnosed 7years ago..his wife abuses him by not paying the bills..he gets Social Security Disability which he pays the house payment and lot rent with and these 2 bills take all he gets...she will let the water bill go, the electric bill, the gas bill, and refuses to buy groceries if they would not get food stamps..they have 2 children...she abuses him by not letting his friends come around...she cuses and screams at them and acuses them of things....she withholds his medications or misplaces them and says she doesn't know where they are at...she makes fun of him and tells him and all who will listen that he doesn't have anything wrong with him and that he is lying about his MS...I am at my wits end and so is all of his family..because he will not tell her to get the HELL out and mean it...he has, but she will not go and has to be put out by law when she hit him last winter and spent 3 days in jail...it was pleaded down to a misameanor...and he let her back in!!!! She is currenlty out of the house, but he makes no effort to divorce her....this is SICK....anyone with a solution?

My mom - Maria V. Romero - Feb 4th 2008

  Since childhood, I had my mom blame me for being "bad" and "ruining her life". I developed OCD, GAD and Agoraphobia as a child, and was afraid to go out of the house. She would start crying and threaten suicide because of my "behavior".

  She also blamed me for "making her" leave the country (Believe me I was 13, I didn't ask to leave no country! lol) She said that because I was supposedly "making her life so miserable" that I [quote] "left her no choice but to leave the country". I know it's confusing, but it came out of her head, not mine LOL.

  She enjoys leaving every time I confront her about sensitive issues. She goes out of her way to demonstrate disgust for me and leave. She is extremely dismissive and will say things like "I do not care in the least" regarding me or whatever I want to discuss, and will speak at ALL.

  I believe she is abusive, possibly BPD. But I'm not sure, I notice her capacity for CRUELTY is substantial. And a lot of dismissiveness and coldness. She can shut you completely out, no matter what you are saying to her or how bad you feel: SHUT YOU COMPLETELY OUT.

I would love to know what her problem is. I read about the CU (callous-unemotionality) trait and that might have a role in her behaviour?

should i still care - dad8895 - Aug 18th 2007

My son has a friend who is in deep trouble she just is just getting into a divorse situation and is in danger of losing her child if she stays with the person she is currenrly with. He's a registered sex offender and her 1st cousin, he keeps her so screwed up that even when we get the chance to help somehow he ahs enough control over her that she goes back. We hav all tried to get her to see what is happening to her and she starts to see and he apologizes and she goes back. Earlier aweek ago she had promised to come over to our house and work with us and so she could tallk but when she didnt call we went looking for her and couldn't find her. when we accidentally found her in a totally unknown place he went bullistic and told her that she couldnt go but she stood up to him and after he ranted for twenty minutes and called us every name in the book she came with us she had a blast with us and she always does my son and her are the happiest when they are together. he told us that if whe wasnt home in three hours he was coming to look for her. because of some car truble and other unforseen htings we were late and he did come looking and called everyone in my family.We had her talked into staying but she wanted to talk face to face and he apologized and we almost fought and she went back. She promised me that she was oing to call social services and talk to a concilor but and probate court because after she is divorced he keeps telling her that they can be married we keep telling her that she cant because its illegal in ohio and i asked her if she was going to lie under oath because thats how they ask the question and she said she would call turning point a shelter but hes got her so much under his control i know she wont get the chance she hasnt called in a week and im worried i see real danger for her and although he hasnt hit her yet its only amatter of time the reason shes going through the divorce is because of domestic violence and she was already vulnerable when these two creeps got their hooks in her we got away from one but havent been able to get her from the other one. this girl is so mixed up and confued that she cant make the choices that she needs to make he tells her so many lies and just three days ago her mother reamed her and almost had her but he told her that if she left that he eas going to wreck the car ahe making payments and its in his name she has a job but her pay only lasted a few thats the only reason he wants her is for the easy money and sex. all that has happened my son stills loves this girl and so do we and my wifes an RN and by law is required to report abuse we're not sure who to call and how long to wait ami crazy for still caring or should i give up he keeps hidin her from us thats the worst part right now i think they are living in the van and have now know address she wants to go back to school this year and get her diploma and we told her that she could come here until we can find her a place but she hasnt called and we dont know where shes at.this girl is very very special and has all the promise of rieing above this but we just need to get the time or get her into a shelter . pleasekeep us in your prayers

courageous - stacey - Apr 30th 2007

Hi Amanda sorry to hear what you went through and I am glad you are getting help. There are a lot of women that would let it go and take it out on their kids. I was involved with Domestic Violence in '05 and my 3 children were there. They had to see me with a black eye for about 2 months. It messed with my oldest son and he still hates the site of him and was angry for a long time. I went to court and of course the father has visitation rights and the judge says "just because he hit you doesn't mean he will hit the children". Yes thats what it means. I totally agree get rid of him once an abuser always an abuser. The next female he gets with he will do the same to her.

Abusive People Don't Know They Are - Jinny - Jan 31st 2007
They think that they "have a right to ask a question" and that they are soliciting the "truth." They will show signs of insecurity and control issues by keeping tabs on you, needing to know everything you do, everyone you talk to, telling you who you can talk to and what you can or can not do, ask you if you have "done anything" even if you haven't. I have been told that either cheated or am a lesbian because I absolutely must be a whore. I have been sat down and given the talk almost every day of my life with this person, someone who I have been with for a little over two years, about where I have paraded my whorish antics around; I have been told over and over and over again to "ADMIT" to having done things. I have never, ever done anything and this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. However, an abusive person can not accept anything besides their own power-hungry, insecure delirium of obfuscated judgment. Leave this kind of S.O.B. and NEVER look back. They won't get help. They won't want you to either. Just LEAVE. You will be better off without this kind of treatment present in your life. Heal all you can.

Adult child of abusive parent - Amanda - Jan 23rd 2007
I am a 39 year old woman, currently in therapy for PTSD (Post tramatic stress disorder) due to the neglect, physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse incurred from birth to 18 yrs of age. If I could say one thing about domestic abuse, it is that no matter what you go through do not allow your children to go through it with you. I totally missed out on a normal childhood, and will never know the little girl I could have been. Fear, helplessness, hopelessness is something I am working at getting past every day now, I have 3 children who I love dearly an I have a hard time parenting them because of my past. Therapy is doing wonders... but please, if you are a parent living with domestic abuse and have children, take them and run as far away as you can. Childrens minds are fragile...... dont let what they see, hear, and endure pain against thier will it come back and haunt them in the future.