Resources  email page print page Basic Information Introduction to AbuseAbuse DefinedTypes of AbuseDomestic Settings of AbuseInstitutional Settings of Abuse and Hate CrimesRecognizing AbuseEffects of AbusePost-Abuse Vulnerabilities Why Do People Abuse?Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?Changing Attitudes About AbuseIf You Are An Abuser...If You or Your Children Are Currently Experiencing Abuse...Abuse - If You Have Been Assaulted or Raped...If You Are a Third Party to Abuse...Preventing AbuseAfter the Abuse Has EndedAbuse Reporting Resources More Information 'The Magdalene Sisters' as an Illustrated Abuse PrimerAbuse Reporting ResourcesAn Abuse Victim’s Story: Beaten By Boyfriend, Then Burned By The CourtAn Interview with Daniel Sonkin, Ph.D. on Domestic ViolenceChild Abuse and the Role of Parental DenialElder AbuseHow Does the Child Welfare System Work?Legal Assistance for Elder AbuseMandated Reporters of Child AbuseSexual Assault ResourcesSome Thoughts about Victimization, Anger and AbuseThe Bystander Effect, What Would You Do?Wise Counsel Interview Podcast: Steven Levenkron, MS on Childhood Sexual Abuse of Women Latest News Male Abusers Often Sabotage Birth Control With PartnersChildhood Mistreatment Linked to Issues With MigrainePolicy Statement Addresses Child Abuse, Neglect IssuesWitnesses to Bullying May Suffer Most of AllBruising Pattern Can Predict Likelihood of Child AbuseViolence Between Couples May Not Be SpontaneousBattered Women's Ills Go Beyond BruisesImpact of Maternal Depression and Abuse on Children StudiedDoctors May Be Able to Predict Domestic Abuse Questions and Answers Delusional and Morbid Jealousy?I Don't Know Anymore. Please Help.Insane JealousyHow Can I Talk About My Greatest Fear?InorgasmiaAm I In Danger?Sexual Abuse and Its Effects on Relationships AfterwardsSociopath or Sociopath-like Product of My Environment?Is She Mentally Ill?Narcissistic StepfatherWill the abuse still continue?AngerSexual issues with husbandHelpShould I Switch Therapists? Sara, Nov. 4, 2008Did I push them too much?Violent/murderous sexual fantasiesIs it my fault that I was sexually abused? Did it make me gay?I am really worried about my mental health (19yr old female)I am a beautiful girl.....so why is my boyfriend selfish in bed?Is It Abuse? - Erin - Jun 24th, 2008My boss asked me about my sex life and im only 16.. please read!Abusive Relationshipabuse survivorI believe my husband sexually abused my daughter and is at risk for doing the same to my grandchildren. What should I do now?Why do I beat myself up over what they think?Is it my fault if my family falls apart after he cheats?Living with boyfriend - Am I dealing with one person or two?This guy I bullyCan he be changed?Münchhausen Disorder 'biproxy' (by Proxy)I get paralysed and cant do anythingHow do I keep my conduct disordered step-son from molesting my children?Rape victim who cuts and engages in BDSM to self-punish asks, 'Why am I like this?'cycle of abuse, but no apologiesFeel like I'm trappedFather is abusing and controlling my motherHow can I change my life?how to overcome sexual abuseviolent brotherSelf esteemHow to help a loved one who sees no problemHealthy sexuality not instinctual for me after abusive situationsi don't know if this is abuseafter verbal abuse19 year old daughter in abusive relationshipForgotten or just ignored?Domestic ViolenceIs this Schizophrenia?How to Deal with the Loss of Familyabout my childhood and why I am like this, but what can I do to changeDid I Love my husband and still abuse him emotionallyWhat is wrong with me?What Would This Be?A Request for HelpAdult ChildrenIs there a difference between abuse and trauma?My adult child has accused my husband of sexually abusing her...Regret my decision every single dayHe has hit me on a few occasions ...Need to find a reason for the abuseI'm a cutter and can't remember anythingHow Does Childhood Abuse Influence Adulthood?Abusive Older SisterAbusive MotherKilling Myself In His KitchenFear Of Remembering ThingsViolent SisterAbuse Warning SignsBest Way To Deal With Verbal AbuseMy RoommateA Mean, Verbally Abusive WomanConfused While Leaving An Abusive RelationshipPossibly Molested DaughterStill SufferingI Don't Know If I'm GayAbusive FatherWhat Abuse Looks Like #2Are Battered Women Mentally Ill?Recognizing Verbal AbuseDissociates When IntimateAre Bipolars Abusive?Daughter's Violent MarriageDefinition Of Being BeatenThe Aftermath of AbuseThe Goal of TherapyHaunted College StudentToxic ParentsAbused WifeAbuse and TraumaNo Desire For Sex 1Was I Sexually Abused?Mental AbuseLow Self-EsteemIntimacy IssuesAbusive GirlfriendEmotionally Abusive Marriage: What To Do?False PromisesAn Angry HusbandMy Gay Son?jb writes:Carol-Ann writes:Laura writes: Blog Entries An Abuse Victim’s Story: Beaten By Boyfriend, Then Burned By The CourtChild Abuse and the Role of Parental DenialThe Bystander Effect, What Would You Do?An Interview with Daniel Sonkin, Ph.D. on Domestic ViolenceThe Child is Father to the Man Abuse of Special Needs Children in our Public SchoolsChild Abuse PreventionBorderline Personality DisorderShould I Stay or Leave this Marriage or "When Is Enough Enough?"Child Abuse and Chronic Fatigue SyndromeAn Interview with Yulonda Brown on Surviving Abuse and Bipolar DisorderDomestic Violence: The Hidden Story of Abused MenAbused as a Child: Permanently Damaged?The Sexual Harassment of Girls and Sexual Minorites In Our SchoolsThe Long Lasting Negative Effects of AbusePeople Who Abuse, Are they Evil?Sexual Harassment in the Work Place, An ongoing problemAn Interview with Steven Levenkron, MS on Women's Childhood Sexual AbuseElder AbuseSome Thoughts about Victimization, Anger and AbuseThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part III, HealingThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part II: The ChildrenThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part IYoung Women and Sexual VictimizationIs This the Right Person for Me?Why People Remain In Abusive Relationships: Another Point of ViewWhat Kind of Father Are You?Good article concerning 'Spiritual' AbuseStockholm Syndrome and Regular Old AbuseEarly verbal abuse results in more adult depressionThe Deleterious Effects of Child Abuse'The Magdalene Sisters' as an Illustrated Abuse Primer Links [2] Articles[2] Associations[7] Community[3] Government[41] Information[5] Journals[1] Training[2] Research[1] Self-Help[6] Personal Experiences Book Reviews A Stir of BonesAccounts of InnocenceBecoming AnnaBreathing UnderwaterBruisesBut I Love HimDemons of the Modern WorldLittle ChicagoThe Kindness of StrangersThe UnsayableTrue BelieverViolent PartnersWhen Jeff Comes Home

Community Talk about this issue in our mental health support community

Therapist Search Find a Therapist:  (USA/CAN only) Use our Advanced Search to locate a therapist outside of North America.

Related Topics Depression: Major Depression & Unipolar Varieties Domestic Violence and Rape Self Esteem Anger Management Mental Disorders Autism ADHD Alcohol & Substance Abuse Anxiety Disorders Bipolar Disorder Conversion Disorders Depression (Unipolar) Depression Primer Disorders of Childhood Eating Disorders Dissociative Disorders Impulse Control Disorders Internet Addiction Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Personality Disorders Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Schizophrenia Sexual Disorders Suicide & Self-Harm Tourettes and other Tic Disorders Medical Disorders Alzheimers And Other Dementias Cancer Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease Colds and Flu Crohns Disease / Irritable Bowel Diabetes Epilepsy Heart Disease High Blood Pressure Memory Problems Men's Health Multiple Sclerosis Sexually Transmitted Diseases Sleep Disorders Stroke Women's Health Wellness Anger Management Emotional Resilience Exercise Smoking Stress Reduction Weight Loss Life Issues Abuse Adoption Child Care Dating Disabilities Disasters Divorce Domestic Violence and Rape Elder Care Family & Relationship Issues Grief & Bereavement Issues Pain Management Parenting Parenting Child & Adolescent Development Overview Child Development and Parenting: Infants Child Development and Parenting: Early Childhood Pregnancy Infertility Child Care Relationship Problems Self Esteem Sexuality & Sexual Problems Speech Problems Terrorism & War Healthcare Health Insurance Health Policy & Advocacy Health Sciences Mental Health Professions Treatments & Interventions Alternative Medicine Assessment Medications Psychotherapy Lifespan Development Pregnancy Child & Adolescent Development Overview Child Development and Parenting: Infants Child Development and Parenting: Early Childhood Sexuality & Sexual Problems Homosexuality & Bisexuality Aging & Geriatrics Death & Dying

Abuse is not the easiest thing in the world to recognize, even if it is happening to you directly. Not everyone who is being abused understands that what they are experiencing is abuse. Some may recognize that something isn't right about how they are treated, but they may be afraid to speak up and name it as abuse for fear of retribution from their abuser. The following list describes various interactions that people might have that are examples of abuse. If one or more of these things is happening to you, there is very good chance that you are being abused.

• Being physically, sexually, or emotionally hurt and/or violated by your partner on a regular basis.
• Being called hurtful names and/or being put down by partner on a regular basis.
• Being controlled by partner. For instance, if your partner tells you that you are not allowed to have friends, leave the house without his permission, or tells you that you are not allowed to pursue your own goals growth, such as attending school or finding work.
• Becoming more withdrawn so that you do not spend much time with others who may clue in to the fact that abuse is happening to you.
• Finding yourself making excuses for partner’s bad and harmful behavior (perhaps so that you won't have to accept the fact that abuse is happening).
• Recognizing that your relationship has a pattern or cycle in which something abusive occurs, you tell partner that you will not tolerate the abuse anymore, but then forgiving your partner when he or she apologizes.
• Blaming yourself for bad things your partner has done to you. For example, telling yourself that you are really difficult to live with so you deserve to be hit.
• Feeling trapped in your own home and being fearful when you know partner is coming home.

advertisement

If you are a third party to a potentially abusive situation (suspected child abuse, domestic abuse or elder abuse), it may be difficult to know if abuse is happening in any direct manner. You might need to rely on circumstantial evidence to identify the abuse. The following list suggests things to look for that could be indicative of abuse.

• There are physical signs of injury, such as bruises, sores, burns, cuts, or black eyes. Such injuries may be hidden (e.g., behind sunglasses or with clothing)
• The victim makes implausible excuses for injuries or absences ("I fell down the stairs").
• The victim displays personality changes (angry, depressed, moody, defensive, etc.)
• The victim becomes withdrawn, or suddenly fearful.
• The victim becomes depressed, or more irritable or agitated than normal.
• The victim has difficulty sleeping at night, or may display excessive tiredness (can be a symptom of depression)
• The victim's appetite changes for better or worse. Weight loss or gain may occur (can be a symptom of depression).
• The victim's self-esteem lowers.
• The victim is distracted and has difficulty concentrating.
• The victim neglects hygiene (becomes smelly, goes unwashed; may be an attempt to ward off a sexual predator if a child, or as a consequence of depression).
• Changes are noted in the victim's personal appearance or in the appearance of his or her home or living environment.
• The victim complains of pain in the genital region (more common in children).
• For older children and adults, the victim 'acts out', becoming sexually promiscuous, and/or using drugs.
• Elders may display confusion

Share:

Link: (Here's how to do it ... )

To link to this article:

1. Copy the HTML link code shown in the box just below.
2. Paste this HTML code into your blog or web page, into a forum post or a blog comment you make, into your Facebook feed, etc.

<a href="http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8479&cn=2">Recognizing Abuse</a>

Thank you!

Son is abusive in behaviour, language, etc. - - Dec 26th 2009

My son yells, stomps around, swears, slams doors, punches walls and other objects.  He will not listen when others talk.  He tells everyone who hears him talking that they do not understand what he is saying.  He sounds more and more ???? I do not know the words...perhaps "ill" every day.

He blames others when he rages and has bouts of violence.  He is angy every day and one day, he exploded - had a knife in his hand and came stomping into the other room and overturned the table and chairs - while the baby (almost 2 years of age) screamed.

He called and left a message that my presence made it dramatic and stressful for the child and that he did not want her subjected to that kind of behaviour.

I have the taped message and I would put it up somewhere if I knew where so that all those women out there who leave their children with their husbands (whom they are scared of) will know that some of their worst fears or denial is actually happening.  The message also informed me that I would never see the child again as he felt he was protecting her from drama and stress and grief!!!

I wonder what he told the baby's mother?  I wonder how he behaved to the child after I left - I feel a coward as I left undecided to take the child or run from the knife and the rage.

I called the RCMP and finally (a day after) I spoke with someone who realized that a file needed to be opened and that other steps were needed.  I wonder what the future holds for everyone.

get help - jenny - Dec 3rd 2009

ladies your not alone in this world if your bein abused you may want to get some help before anything bad happens becasue living wit an abuser is not safe for you or your family

can any one help? - terri - Nov 30th 2009

My granmother is constantly yelling at my mother and I. She has attempted to kick me and my mother out of the house. She has told me that she wish i had died instead of my sister, she calls me a slut, whore, etc., she argues with my mother at all hours of the night and doesn't let anyone get sleep, she tells my mom that she is gonna be in a shelter if thats the last thing she does and that she is going take all of my mom's disbility money,  she constantly bad talks my mother to me. is there something we can do about it?

I am living with an abuser - Lucy - Nov 2nd 2009

I've been living with an abuser for five years.  When I married him I had no ideal that he was this way.  He presented himself to be a caring loving person and I loved the man he presented himself to be.  After five years of being beaten down with his verbal and emotional abuse I now know it was all a con job, a lie, a mask he wore to hook me.  I'm number four, his fourth victim.   It's a daily battle to survive it.  I'm worthless, trash, good for nothing according to him.  He lies lies lies, is such a deciever.  He treats me this way and then goes to church and acts like he's a saint.  He brought the preacher home on me after I made an appointment with a an attorney.  The preacher thinks he's a saint.  I don't think he believes all the things I told him right in front of my husband.  I'm trapped here.  I have no way to live if I leave.  I'm disabled... unable to work and don't have enough income of my own to sustain me. 

Danielle - Danielle - Sep 17th 2009

My father is constantly yelling at my mother and I. He has attempted to kick me (a 17 year old with good grades, who doesn't party at all) out of the house he co-owns with my mother. He has told me that I was the worst mistake of his life, that my mom cheated on him and that he wasn't my biological father, he smacked me once months ago (I have no proof) he calls me a slut, whore, etc., he argues with my mother at all hours of the night and doesn't let anyone get sleep, he tells my mom that when they are divorced he'll have full custidy of my and take all of my mom's money, he constantly bad taks my mother to me. Can I call the cops on him?

Corporate Abuse - Priscilla Wolfe - Aug 16th 2009

Recently, I was confronted with a situation in which a utility worker for Arizona Public Service was sent to my home with a disconnect notice.  I live 20 miles out from the nearest public phone, it was 100 degrees and my neighbors are spread out on 2-5 acre parcels. Three of the homes surrounding me are known vacant and a multitude lots are not built out.  I was not made aware by the corporation that the power was scheduled for disconnection due to a missed bill. (My mom was hospitalized and I can say the bill was overdue, by my oversight during that traumatic time)  However, I had a deposit with the company.  Two months went by and I was not contacted by the company ever regarding disconnection and the bill for the current month had not been generated.  The minute that my deposit ran out (@ $20 over use), a disconnect was generated without any notification to me by the company over a period of 25 days.

Needless to say, my house is also my place of business.  Early one morning (10:45am appx), I was sitting working in the office and my daughter had just waked.  I was on the phone, working at a contract with a client, had a printer (large format) running printing a 10' banner, lights, fans...and in the house dishwasher and washing machine all in full swing.  I saw the man pass my office window and door, thinking he was here to read the meter.  Keep in mind the small space of 2000 sf built in 1979, new meter though! When the man hit the switch there was a loud jolt and then dead silence.  I thought he was hurt, my heart dropped.  Running out the back door to check, seeing he was ok I said, "What are you doing?" He said in a very deep, serious male tone, "I have a shut off notice." I said, no you don't???? Since I hadn't been informed. Clearly he didn't have a clue...he's not billing. So, realizing this I said, "Can you turn it back on for a second, you just cut me off all phone service.  I'll call and straighten this out with APS." He said in the same deep and serious tone.  "No we don't do that." And, he turned to walk past me. Thinking twice, I said, "Ok can you radio in, I have a debit card?  He was clearly annoyed by me at that point telling me. "No, we don't do that either." Going in to full panic mode now, I say, "Ok, I have cash, I'll give you cash, please just don't leave my daughter and I out here without any services or phone, my cell phone doesn't work this far out." He replied in a frustrated deep, serious male tone, "We don't do f*%king do that." Standing in my pajamas at a loss for assistance from what I believe is an inhumane, unempathetic, abusive man, I said, "then get the F*%K off my property, and ran to get some shoes."  Ok, luckily the car starts and I head out to take the mile or so drive to a point where I can get cell service. I immediately call APS and within a matter of seconds the situation with billing is taken care of.  Next thing I know I see this APS guy behind me, pulled over and the police flying past.  I turn around and pull over next to them and tell the police that this man cannot leave without turning my power on as the next stop sign one way alone is 15 minutes away..If he goes back to the city where his building is, that would be all day in 100 degrees with no power. I cannot be without power for hours and the bill has been paid, I tell the police.  The police escort the man back to the house and the utility is restored.  I call customer service and tell them of my concerns and complaints, more angry than ever about the after math to my work and equipment.  As it turns out it wasn’t that the man couldn’t radio in for me, it’s that he didn’t want to.  Because as events would have it, APS actually does do that. 

Life goes on...two weeks later police arrive at my door with charge of “Disorderly Conduct” filed by the corporate offices. With a statement from the driver himself stating he really didn’t want to file a complaint and a totally false statement regarding what ‘really happened’   I am once again shocked by the falseness and by these police at my home and at what again appears to me as full vilification.  Notifications required by tariff regulations, violations of statutory laws “duty of care”, definite health and safety negligence and potential fee gouging illegalities along with the loss of business, equipment failures and time I’ve already lost.  And, furthermore violation of my 5th Amendment rights by the very police who should be protecting me.  I am upset, stopped from working and thrown again into an emotional tailspin for the lengthy interrogation, finger printing, social security # inquires..and with no attorney present because I was told, I couldn’t call or I would be arrested on the spot OVER $20…oh MY GOD!

Two weeks later, I get out of the shower, standing totally nude I see a troop of police officers and an APS man now peering into my window.  I have been fully embarrassed and harassed for two solid months by both APS and the police over $20. Yes, they have been here now more than three separate occasions’ as if I’m a serious threat?  Please the regular meter reader is my buddy we’ve chatted briefly in the yard on several occasions’.  At this point APS is a total violator of all taxpayers with thier uneccessary need for dominance, and control over little ole me?
The police, the courts...what a shame this company is!

I feel this is a demonstration of Corporate Abuse and Corporate Indecencies.  I’m just me; a single mom dependant on the power provided by this corporate monopoly ($308 million dollar net profit annually and they are my only choice)  Was I angry and emotional about this incident YES. Did I act disorderly by quick thinking action banishing the man from my property NO!  I wasn’t about to leave this insensitive, uncooperative, violating abusive robot bully 6’2, 250lb on my property with my daughter and I had to hurry; time is of the essence in my business and life.  Get the f*%K off was the quickest approach to making a firm statement and gets him to get the truck out of my way (blocking in my car with his giant 4x4 truck). I didn’t say f -you personally to him to condemn or vilify him.  F- off my property is a directive action, a verb (i.e...an action word) and trust me I meant it.  Easement or no easement his job was obviously done by his own choice and my easement doesn’t allow him to stand around and DO NOTHING!

Who would you say is abusive?  Me, the APS Technician or the Utility Providers.

Disorderly, “a petty offense chiefly against public order (APS should be held to a higher standard, in their lack of acknowledgement to public order of law, and tariffs) and decency (statutory duty of care) that falls short of an indictable misdemeanor”

Abuse, “occurs when people mistreat or misuse other people, showing no concern for their integrity or innate worth as individuals, and in a manner that degrades their well being. (violating law, regulation and health and safety matters IS mistreatment, misuse, lack of concern for integrity, individual worth and a degradation of well being) Abusers frequently are interested in controlling their victims. They use abusive behaviors (no notification, calling the police rather than radioing in, taking no form of resolution to avoid confrontation or health and safety hazards and potential gross negligence) to manipulate their victims into submission or compliance with their will.  *No notice, no phone call, no knock at the door, no onsite assistance.  I’m horrified thinking of it!

In my mind, the utility provider is both abusive and disorderly.  I would then be thought to have a potty mouth, but so does CBS, NBC, FOX TV, et….every night piped into my home on a segment by segment basis.  Potty mouth is sort of acceptable and even endowed up our society through social mediums.  After all I was with my daughter having public order, working to pay my bills with decency, to the very abuser at my utility box demanding I do it their way, offering no social cooperation or orderliness, ignoring their statutory obligations to duty of care, tariff regulations, health and safety! I’m appalled, feeling abused and violated but….I’ll let you decide!

i want to know kt - - Jul 23rd 2009

it is abuse. you do not deserve it.

Was my sister being abused? - Sandra - Jun 4th 2009

Hello all, I am wodering if my sister was in some sort of abusive relationship. She is 17 years old and has a baby with her x-boyfriend. He never did hit her, but there was this one time when he did tell her that her job wasn't worth it because what she made was not helping enough to pay the bills. My sister started having problems with him because he cannnot keep a job and there have been several times when he has lied to her about working. He puts on his uniform and says he is going to work, but he goes somewhere else for several hours and then comes back home telling her "what happened at work." We caught him in the act about a week ago and he denies it. Also, in the beginning when my sister decided to go live with him, he didn't her to have much contact with my parents nor brothers. She has left him several times and gone back to him because he keeps begging, but he always tells her that he is going to take her to court to get custody of the baby and never gives her her stuff when she leaves. He currectly has her social security card, id, the baby's social security card, and her credit cards. He refuses to give them to her and all other belongings. Last wednesday whem my sister told his parents she was going to leave him for being so irresponsible, he came in unexpectely and started a whle commotion. His parents, sister, himself did not let her get a hold of my family and I for any reason to the point that he broke the phone. My sister says that she has become afraid of him and that there were times when she was even afraid of asking him to come visit us because he may get mad. I don't know if this is abuse or it could escalate to it if she remains with him. Please help!

Abuse - - Apr 17th 2009

This is so very sad reading all these comments. I say this because I myself am in an a mentally abusive relationship. I get accused of being a whore all the time, having friends,wanting to work or go to school. He got so mad once he drove 6 hours from his job to drag me out of my bed while I was sleeping because I hung up the phone on him that evening. I am getting sick reading this and trying to figure out what I am going to do for me and my chidren. Best of Luck to everyone.

Yes, this is abuse - - Jan 27th 2009

Yes, this is abuse. 

Is this abuse? - K - Jan 16th 2009
I am in a relationship and it doesn't matter what i do my boyfriend calls me a liar, i can't dress smart without being accused of dressing up for someone else, i am always accused of cheating when i don't even go out anymore to stop the accusations and arguments but he just invents new ways to bring up these subjects, he calls me around 15-20 times a day i can't breathe. Why is he like this i don't give him any reasons to be like this, but i am blamed for everything that happens or doesnt happen.

Help for victims of abuse - Michelle Ballard - WIN Hellas Member of the Board of Directors - Nov 30th 2008

After reading though all the comments on this page, I felt an overwhelming need to share with everyone the work of the W.I.N Foundation.  I am on the Board of Directors of an international branch (the Greek branch located in Athens) of the Women in Need (W.I.N) Foundation founded by Dr. Tracy Kemble. 

Often women in pain are told what is wrong with them, but not HOW to fix it.  At WIN, we help the women to identify the pain they are suffering, recognize it and provide them with "TOOLS", which teach them how to change their pattern of behaviour.  The woman, who have completed "Right Living", find a way to make life to start working again, at their own pace and with a renewed sense of self esteem and empowerment. 

Please find more information about the very important work of the WIN Foundation and the "Right Living" program:

www.womeninspiration.net

I just want each of you to know that healing and empowerment are possible!

I think this is abuse ~do you? - kelly - Aug 16th 2008

It was my birthday.  I did not ask for anything because I am always told I am selfish.  My parent came out to see me for my birthday.  They wanted to take me shopping.  I asked if I could pick the stores.  They said yes.  We went to 2 stores. In the first one they bought me a t shirt and a skirt.  The second one my mother said "these aren't work clothes". To which I responded, we don't have to shop.  She turned her back on me and wouldn't talk to me.  I have learned not to get mad at her and yell at her which was my old response to this stuff.  I just said "mom..... mom"  She was clearly not going to talk to me.  So I went to the store my dad was in.  I told him she didn't like the store and we need to do something else.  So we were walking down the street and my mother decided she wanted to buy something for herself.  (Another form of this is she buys what I would like for herself, that can be used against her I tested it once by oggling the ugliest thing I could find, she bought it for herself).  I was not interesting in watching her now spend a ton of money on herself for my birthday outing.  So I went for coffee.  We spent the rest of the day with my mother not talking to me and without further outbursts

I tried to talk to her about this on the phone later.  She told me that she didn't want to talk.  I no longer have the need to try to force the issue.  I wanted to give her space so that she could talk to me with a clear head.  I did however write a letter to try to clear things up.  I just recapped what my percetions were and how that made me feel.  She subsequently refused to talk to me for three months.  My sibling told me that I had told her in the store that said to her that I didn't want her money.  I never said that. In reality I don't want her money.  I want her to see me as I am. The money would be nice, but what I want is a relationship based here and now.

When I finally did talk to her, what I she talked about was things that happened in my teen years.  I could not get her to talk to me about why she had not spoken to me for three months.  I was blamed for almost causing a divorce then, which I didn't even know was ever considered.  (Frankly I wish my Dad had it in him to do it.  I hate the way she controls him.)  At that time I was depressed, suicidal and acting out. I am sure it was hard for them to deal with.  I have already acknowledged that I was a challenge for them.  I have apologised too many times.  They had at one point agreed to let that subject drop.

It was clear that this had already grown to monumental proportions.  All I wanted to know is what can I do to not get this response from them.  How can we work this out?, I asked.  Instead I get the drama card.  I hate the drama card.  I was willing to be ok with and t shirt and a skirt.  I would much rather have worked this out.

I have decided to let go.  But this still saddens me.

5 months pregnant and in an abusive relationship - Kristin - Jul 21st 2008

When I met my boyfriend, he was the guy all the girls liked. I felt so special that he choose me. I was never the popular type and have low self-esteem. He has be in and out of jail and now is at a correctional facility because I couldn't handle the abuse and drinking anymore. He threw me on the floor and punched me in the nose, all at 5 months pregnant with his baby. I never knew the signs of an abuser until I left. But, now he's talking to me and saying he wants to work it out, but I don't know if he is capable of getting better, if he really wants to or if he just needs me now that he's locked up. I want him in my life and I planned to mary him, but I don't know if I'm setting myself up for more violence, more seclusion and more fighting. Is it possible for a man who was abused as a child and then grew up to be an abuser to change? Can he really stop drinking and change his life? Is there something I can do to help? I just want it all to work and I love him more than anything, but I won't put my child through this.

Learned at home - - Jul 8th 2008

My heart aches for all of the women posting here... Abuse is learned in the original family home and almost always involves addiction...  The solution is to get away from your abuser and work on your self... the abuser will never come around... it's a sadistic game of control...

 There are good people out there if you stop going back to the original PIG trough...and that includes parents and siblings... sickos can be still be in your own family...don't fool yourself with denial...

What you see is the truth...not what you wish to see...I've learned from experience...:(

Is It Abuse? - Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, PhD - Jun 24th 2008

Erin,

You will find an answer to your question if you click on "Ask Dr. Schwartz." Everyone is invited to read the answer because of the great importance of you excellent E. Mail comment.

Dr. Schwartz

is it abuse? - erin - Jun 23rd 2008

i'm not really sure if my boyfriend is abusive.

everything was really nice in the beginning, he was a great boyfriend. but now he is always suspecting that i did something wrong, was flirting or cheating on him; and i don't get to see my friends anymore - if i ask, he gets mad. he is always implying that i am such a slut, and he's even called me that. he pushes me into doing things i don't want to. he says he's sorry after i start crying, but if i don't do it, he gets mad at me. he's always telling me i'm 'dumb' or 'stupid' or calling me an idiot when i have accidents, like dropping a cigarette. i have no privacy: he checks my phone, emails, everything. he even tried to go through my fifth grade journal. and if i simply want my privacy, he says i'm 'hiding something' from him and gets angry. i can't talk to my friends anymore. i have to pretend i don't have a phone. and i'm not allowed to have any guy friends or even talk to any guys. and i can't wear certain clothes. yes, these clothes are small, but when i get ready he tells me they're slutty and i have to change into something too hot for the weather and watch other girls walk around in smaller outfits than my original one. and he gets angry out of nowhere and starts to ignore me or interrogate me. i've even had to tell him i slept with guys who i didn't actually sleep with, just so he would leave me alone about it. and he thinks i still will get with them, even though i have no contact with any guys. but he talks to girls and in messages i've seen him ask them to hang out, give out his number. and there was one he wouldn't even let me see. i wonder if he's cheating, because he won't even hold me anymore or let me cuddle with him.

but here's the thing. every time i try to leave, or tell him i'm going to, he apologizes and promises that he will change, and he tells me he really does love me, he can't be without me, and he would do anything for me. and for a little bit, he acts like it. he treats me nice, he holds me, kisses me, tells me good things, says he's sorry. and then it always goes back to how it was, and he interrogates me and disrespects me.

what do i do? is this abuse? or is it just a rough patch or something? how do we get out of this vicious cycle?

My sister-in-law - ana - Jun 6th 2008

My 25yr old sister-in-law who has 3 girls with her "husband", is being abused, not physically though. I want to help her but dont know how. She lives in Texas.

Her "husband" doesnt work, and doesnt necessarly take care of his daughthers when my sister in law is at work. He has broken numerous objects at their home when he gets mad at her, for instance, her tv, camera, mirrors, cut up a $400 purse! I say her stuff because he doesnt buy anything for their home and she's the sole bread winner. He has had these episodes often in the last month at least once a week. Last week I went down to Texas where I used to live and where she lives, I was only down for a week and she didnt go visit once, I was staying at her mom's house. He doesnt even take her out, explaining that he doesnt want to bump into her exboyfriends! She got pregnant by him when she was 16! Her only other boyfriends were in middle school, stupid excuse!! Two weeks ago he got mad and threw a hammer at her vehicle while their daughters were in the suv, he broke a side window in the back behind the passenger.

Her mom, her brother, and me want to help her but dont know what to do. If any one has addive I would really appreciate it. Thanks

Still putting up with it.... - Sharon - Jun 3rd 2008

I am 28 and have been married for 3 yrs. My husband has 2 little girls. I should have known from day one that I needed to leave. My husband is very verbally abusive. I am been called every single name in the book. I have been told that my teeth are going to pushed to the back of my head, fat ass, cu**, bitch, asshole, stupid, itiot, dumb bitch, etc. He always cuts down my family, b/c he knows that it upsets me. He gets upset when I don't want to have sex. But who would want to have sex with someone like him. I was sexually abused about 7 yrs ago and I don't like when people make sex dirty. He talks dirty about to me, as if it turns me on. He can get rough and then I start to cry. I want to leave so bad, but I am in so much debt and I'm in nursing school. Our house is for sale b/c we want to move to the country. I want to go my seperate way when it sells. He also may have a son. He is waiting to go to court and get a blood test. Then what will I do? More child support. We will be more broke, and I already have to work full time and go to school. I hate my life!

be you - Jeannette - Apr 24th 2008

Go to Job Corps I went there and it is an awesome place.  If he is your husband he should support you wanting to better yourself.

SHOULD I LEAVE - CYNTHIA - Mar 5th 2008
I AM MARRIED..22 AND HAVE A 9 MONTH OLD GIRL.....I WANT TO GO TO JB CORPS BUT I CANT BECAUSE MY HUSBAND DOESNT WANT ME TO..I DONT WNAT T DIVORS EHIM..WHAT SHOUD I DO SAY?

signs of abuse - - Dec 22nd 2007
Abuse can range from screaming , not allowing a person to have personal space; such as trying to go to bed( but the abuser will not allow this, by pulling sheets and pillows off the bed, yanking the person off the bed onto thefloor, spitting in the face, pulling hair, and least but not last, verbally describing how they would hurt you. Like saying, "What would you think If I said I was going to slam your head into the floor until your skull cracks open". You hide in places in your own home, only to be found and screamed at , hit, and verbally accosted.

HELP ME 2 - P.S. - Nov 17th 2007
I'm not sure about you but I am still very much in love with my husband Joe who is my abuser he even tried to rape me once. I had to call him everytime I wanted to go to the store and when I got home. I had to ask if I could go get grocery's. If i didn't call when I got home i was out meeting someone... HELL I dont know but NO ONE WILL HELP........ I've tried and tried I even have police reports. SO WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO.... I dont know. But I would like some answers and soon before he does this to someother woman...email me with info if you get it....

I want to know - Kt - Jun 30th 2007
I'm reading over abuse, and i would like somebody to explain me if jeaulosy is part of mental abuse, if constant calling, questioning, name calling and screaming into my face when the person is mad, spitting on my face and call me all kinds of degradings names, how could i still feel love for this person and believed he loved me.