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Why Do People Abuse?

Kathryn Patricelli, MA Updated: Dec 15th 2005

Understanding Abuse

People have difficulty understanding the motives of people who are involved in abuse. Why people choose to abuse other people is a common question. Why (adult) people who are being abused choose to stay in abusive relationships is another. Neither of these questions have easy answers and even the strongest attempt to educate yourself as to why people might make these seemingly irrational choices will not lead to complete understanding. Abuse situations must be lived in and experienced before their internal logic makes any sense. However, we can try to do our best to understand.

Why Do People Abuse?

The first question, "Why do people abuse other people?" has multiple answers. Some abusers learned to abuse from their parents. Their early history consisted of receiving abuse themselves and/or seeing others abused (one parent abusing the other or their sibling, etc.). As a consequence, abuse is the normal condition of life for these people. Such people internalized a particular relationship dynamic, namely the complementary roles of "abuser" and "victim". They are familiar with and fully understand the terror of being the helpless victim from their own childhood experience. The opposite of being a victim is not simply opting out of abuse; it is instead, to be abusive. Given the choice between being the out-of-control victim, or the in-control abuser, some of these people grow up to prefer the role of the abuser. As they become adults, they simply turn this relationship dynamic around and start acting out the "abuser" side of the relationship dynamic they have learned. By choosing to be the aggressor and abuser, they may get their first sense of taking control over their own destiny and not being at the mercy of others. That they hurt others in the process may go unregistered or only occur as a dim part of their awareness.

Abusive behavior can also result from mental health issues or disorders. For example, someone with anger management issues, a diagnosis of intermittent explosive disorder, or a drinking or drug problem may easily get out of control during arguments (e.g., because there is something wrong with their ability to inhibit themselves at the brain level) and verbally or physically strike out at their partners and dependents.

Still other people who abuse end up abusing because they have an empathy deficit, either because of some sort of brain damage, or because they were so abused themselves as children that their innate empathic abilities never developed properly. Such abusers cannot or will not relate to other people as people, choosing instead to treat them as objects. In effect, they confuse people for things. They treat people as though they were there solely for their convenience and do not otherwise have an independent, important life. Abusers who treat people in this manner are very likely psychologically ill, and possibly medically ill as well. They may have an antisocial (sociopathic, psychopathic) or narcissistic personality disorder, and they may have anger or impulse control issues and substance abuse issues on top of that! Such people may abuse because of the benefits they receive from doing so, for instance, sexual or financial gratification, or the simple allure of power over other people's lives. Think of any dictator that springs to mind and you will have the personification of this type of individual (Saddam Hussain seems to fit well and comes to mind easily). The character of Tony Soprano from HBO's television series, "The Sopranos" is also a good example of this type. What makes Tony's character so interesting to watch is that he is aware of his tendency towards narcissistic sociopathy and struggles against it at times with varying rates of success.

Reader Comments
Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

...cps can and will do nothing - - Feb 7th 2010

Your friend is a grown man. Unless he chooses to press charges there is no legal action you can take that will make a difference. Encouragement, understanding, love, hope, and many hours of disscussion may help him realise his idea of changing his father is folly. Just don't turn your back on him.. Good luck

dont have to - Raquel paulk - Jan 12th 2010

to give some advice dont let your friend go throught all that give him some help or tell him to call child service. i understand he has no where else to go but he doesn't need that in his life because that can effect him really bad he can start beaten up on women.

Father Beats Me and all I want is for him to love me!!! - - Dec 26th 2009

My friend is 19, His father beats him for very weird and stupid reasons(he is living with his father because he doesn't have anything else to go to and he said he just wants to fix the problem with his dad)! He doesn't talk about it much, nor does he know what to do to fix the problem with his father, but he said that he wanted to be with me as a couple and that his family celebrated christmas on saturday, so he was coming here for christmas, a few hours later I found out his father and him got into a fight and his father beat him badly, I think the fight was over me!! I feel horrible, now he won't talk to me! He has mentioned to me that he thinks that he will just join the army, so he will have a place to go and so that he can do something great with his life( even though I think him just being here alive makes this world a better place, and his life is great), but he won't even come see or call me before he goes, if he desides. Then I found out last night he was at his ex's, but he texted me and said nothing was going to happen!! I don't blame him for going there and for running to what is formular, but I want to talk to him!! and tell him that I understand(which I do, my mother used to beat on me, when she was on drugs, but I never told him before, and I don't want him to think that I'm just making it up to get him back!! Truthfully I just want him happy, and safe! I don't know if I want him to be my boyfriend but I do know I want him as a friend!! It seems to me that I have a lot going on and so does he, with relationships, life, and love!!! I guess I'm asking anyone who has any true advice to email me @ apasonlyone@aol.com with that advice with my problem, as well as his, on life, love, fixing the problem with his father, and anything in this message, maybe you should even contact him@ mad_man_2069@yahoo.com and help him!! please anyone that has true advice and not just a comment, I'm here for help, not just your opinion! htnak you anyone who is able to help, during this hard time!

Abuse of any kind is wrong - Santa Ross - Dec 25th 2009

Abuse of any kind is wrong.  To post comments anonymously is a form of support.  The abused need to have an outlet in order to speak without being censored by the abuser.  Many abusers might act like they care about you and your feelings, but in all actuality the truth is that they just do not have the ability to care about anything or anybody but themselves or who they think may be beneficial to their cause.  Themselves!  If at anytime you are afforded the opportunity to leave.  GO. Don't look back to get sucked into that insane state of existing. God be with you.

i need help. - - Dec 17th 2009

Im sixteen years old and im mentally abused by my boyfriend. Please email me and help me.

response to posters questions - - Dec 14th 2009

My one family member could not believe my father was a 'totally diiferent person than she or his brother knew then'. We have a father' exactly as the poster said about the 'father' being so happy in front of others and so unhappy and abusive at home..he would pick lint off of my mothers clothes and tell her ;u look like a (bum, degnerate) in an ugly tone ,.. for invisible lint..  where is the dr. here to let us know what is that about?! What mental illness is that?!

agreement - Amy - Dec 11th 2009

I agree.

Online Radio Shows on Abusive Relationships - Deborrah Cooper - Dec 6th 2009

I happened upon this site accidentally and was horrified to see so much abuse happening.  I can totally identify with the young lady that posted about online abusers, because I have personal experience with that behavior. It's as if some men believe they have the right to denigrate and insult women, calling us vile names, insulting our bodies (that they've never seen!), our looks (that they've never seen), careers, opinions, etc.  It seems that our culture of misogyny embraces this negativity towards women, so the perpetrators go unpunished. :(

There are two excellent shows on Blogtalk on the subject of abuse. One is tonight with Dr. Katherine van Wormer, authof of "Death by Domestic Violence - Preventing the Murders and Murder-Suicides" and the other is on Wednesday, December 9th "Why Do I Love a Man That Hurts Me?" with former Los Angeles prosecutor Robin Sax and Patricia Evans, psychotherapist and author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "The verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" 

If you are interested in either or both shows they can be found on the index at www.blogtalkradio.com/askheartbeat.

Stay strong.

I would like to know too - curiousi - Dec 5th 2009

Is it any surprise that the child most commonly referred to as…..

Dinny dimwit

Dopey dildock

Stunod

Stupid gupid

Stupid

Mala translation = bad) She said that’s what I should have been named.

Mind like a sieve

Good for nothing wretched witch.

Found alcohol and pot as a place to escape. As a result of drinking. I was raped while I was passed out and unable to defend myself. I woke up in the middle of being raped. That experience shaped my life for many years.

Then as a teenager I was known as……….

Whure

Party Girl

Buton (puttana) that’s Italian for whore. My abysmally ignorant mother didn’t know the correct pronunciation.)

Loose as a goose

Comments were freely made about my physical features…...

Uneven eyes

Crooked Nose

Bucky Beaver

Narrow upper jaw.

No waist

High Ass

Big feet

Clem cadiddle hopper

Baby voice

Monotone voice

Laugh

Walk

The way I dressed.

My friends

I was even criticized for eating too quickly.

In spite of the many attempts made to kill my soul. I have prevailed and become incredibly self reliant . Developing into an adult that’s so self-reliant that I do not care what others think about me. Perhaps to my detriment…. That I am currently at this time in my life, very isolated. The isolation is also due in part to the fact that I moved to a suburban area where most people are married, limiting the amount of people to socialize with. In addition, the two people I was closest to have died within the past three years. My old friends that I did have lived over two hours away. But then we had a falling out so we no longer speak.

Outside the home I was also bullied usually by older kids, bullying I’m sorry to say also followed me into the workplace. I’ve often worked in a male dominated setting. Not sure if that has any bearing on the situation.

I guess people can sniff out a bleeding soul? Also, it’s probably my behavior. If I knew what I did to encourage bullying I’d stop right away. After reading and rereading what I’ve written. Maybe it’s not what I do but what I don’t do. I should probably strand up for myself from the onset. I usually let things ride hoping that they’ll stop on their own. I am physically tougher than most. And I suppose emotionally tougher too.

At this time I feel particularly vulnerable to my Mothers verbal assaults. Since she is really the only person I have a relationship with at this time.

I quit my job this summer because of illness, I had a severe bacterial infection that affected my liver. After that had a virus Hopefully, I’ll be getting another job soon enough.

It goes without saying. I’ve made terrible choices in relationships with men.

I’m still hopeful that I will meet a good man that I can love and that will love me.

Most recent criticisms: from my mother

Sick in the head

Twisted

Schizoid

Crazy

Friendless

My eating habits: The amount of food I eat

Wrinkles: I should have an eye job.

Abnormal hearing: she claims my ears are ‘super sensitive’ (as it turns out, she went for a hearing test recently and was told she’s lost over 40 percent of her hearing)

Eye Lashes: are sparse

Weight: my weight is in fact proportionate to my height. My mother is the one w/ the weight issue. She is 5’4" weighing in at 200 lbs.

When she talks to my dog about me she refers to me as, "your stupid mother".

She tells me people will think I’m eccentric because of the way I dress.

Her tirades and criticisms seem to bite more know than ever. When my sister was alive her venom seemed diluted since we’d roll our eyes or we’d talk about it.

"You have no friends"; is a barb thrown at me constantly. My older sibling and mother use this fact and hurl it at me like a weapon. As I mentioned earlier, the two people closest to me have died. It’s true , I am without friends at this time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I’m good, but I cannot prevent people from dying She constantly mentions that I don’t have friends in an attempt to hurt me. In a letter written to my mother by my older sibling. He also mentions the fact that, "you can count the number of friends she has on one hand, she’s a coward and should get over whatever happened to her when she was young" The friend part is is false, I don’t even have that many now. I realize it’s a situational thing and changeable in time.

Their need for acceptance is much greater than mine. They seem more concerned about me not having friends than I do. Admittedly, it would be nice to have someone to do something with occasionally. Beyond that I’m ok with the way things are.

My older sibling is 10 years my senior. He’s freely made derogatory comments about my physical appearance thruout my life. When I bring this up to my mother she say’s, "that’s what older brothers do."

When I was 13 years old, that would have made him 23. I was sitting across from him at the breakfast table. Deciding, he didn’t like the look on my face (I was half-asleep) He beat me repeatedly on my head with his fist. Raising over 10 lumps on my skull caused by the ring he wore. It hurt like hell. I never mentioned this to my parents for he was the golden child.

I knew not to confide in my bullies about being bullied. On another occasion, at the lake he pushed my head under the water and held me under against my will, I was six years old. I was frightened, gasping for breath and I choked on the water. As an adult, he struck me numerous times with the television remote again and again raising swollen lumps on my head. Strangely, I had blocked out the assault with the remote. I had recollection of it after my mother reminded me. Most recently, 3 year’s ago he pushed me out the living room back wards of a house we jointly owned. And then slammed the door in my face locking me out. The common theme here is unprovoked attacks. I was blindsided each and every time. If I had seen it coming I would have tried to defend myself. Second thought, that probably would have made the attacks worse. After the pushing incident, I decided not to speak to my brother. I have not spoken to him in three years.

The other day my mother asked me, what must the neighbors think that you don’t speak to your brother? I don’t care what the neighbors think. I did not dignify her question with an answer.

My parents both punished me physically with spankings or the belt.

I recall one time in particular. I was in the bathroom shirtless and my mother hit me repeatedly with a leather belt on my back. At that moment, I knew how the slaves felt. The position I found myself in was more painful than the actual strapping. I felt frustrated and humiliated. I was unable to turn and defend myself because I was afraid of being hit in the face. Moreover, I was told "God would strike me dead if I raised a hand to my mother".

On another occasion I was four or five steps from the bottom of the stairwell. She pushed me down the remaining steps causing me to fall down. When I attempted to get back up she stood on my hair and kicked me in my side several times, feeling absolutely defenseless, I was terror stricken.

Another time, when I was 15 yo. I came home drunk. I honestly think someone spiked the two pony beers I had. My father proceeded to knock me around the kitchen, I was bouncing off the cabinets. He literally cleaned the floor with me. I vaguely remember my Mother screaming and pleading with him to stop. I went fetal and protected my face and head the best I could. Apparently, I had attempted to defend myself. The following morning I saw he had a small scratch on his face. I’m able to forgive my father for this. I understand he was bullied so I became his scapegoat. If I asked him for help with my homework and I didn’t grasp in immediately. He’s shout at me, Are you stupid?" over and over. Not exactly, an environment conducive for learning.

As a result of my wildness, they threw me out when I was sixteen. I went to live with my boyfriend and his family. Approximately, a year later I moved out of his house and back in with my family because he struck me. His reason for hitting me was because I cheated on him.

Once when my grandmother was babysitting me she washed my mouth out with soap and my lip got caught on my buckey beaver tooth causing my lip to bleed. I don’t remember what I said. To draw blood was excessive.

When I told my mother many years later about what gram had done. Her response was, "oh I didn’t know she did that" and "you probably deserved it".

Recently, I mentioned to my mother the time she beat me with the belt. I was surprised she didn’t deny it. She actually said, " you remembered that?".

The only person in my immediate family who did not physically assault me was my sister. She’s dead now. Three years gone February 2010.

I’ve lost the sanest person I knew. Ironically, she died of Pick’s Syndrome, a disease that affects your memory. Maybe she tried too hard to block things out. I don’t know if she was verbally or physically abused when she was younger. But when she became ill, she moved back home (with resistance). My mother did speak to her very abusively. As noted by the neighbor,. I know it took great patience to deal with my sister when she was ill. But many times my mother was unnescerally nasty and to say she was short on patience would be an understatement. The screaming was constant.

As a teen my sister had ‘cut’ her legs up and down. Being much younger than my sister I don’t remember the cutting. My mother mentioned this to me a few year’s ago.

To this day, I wonder what was bothering her.

In the wake of one of my mother’s rants.My sister said, "mom wasn’t always like this." My cousin whom I was very close to. Advised me I’d be better off far away from my mother. At the time I thought her sentiment was disloyal. But now after so many years. I understand she was right.

It’s very important to my mother to portray the ‘family’ as perfect,above reproach. From the way we talk, walk and especially dress. She’d always say, "you’re a reflection on the family". Recently, she accused me of discussing my older sibling and the fact that I don’t speak to him with a friend/neighbor.

I was told not discuss family matters with anyone. To do so would be disloyal. Not to confide in anyone at anytime was the message. I was warned she’d, "never speak to me again." In retrospect, maybe that would have been a good thing.

No one would have believed me if I had told them what was going on in my house. My brother and sister were straight A students. My sister was very pretty and a good student. Pretty enough to enter a beauty contest. My sister left for college when I was four and my brother left for college when I was eight. I belive things went from bad to worse after they left.

One time when I was young, I was outside playing with two friends who were brothers. They said, "My father is better than your father, you’re father is no good" and they continued to repeat it over and over. They seemed shocked when I did not reply. They said, _ _ _ _ _ why aren’t you saying anything back? And my reply was, you’re probably right, my mother say’s the same thing about my father. Now I realize that’s just a game kids play. When looking back on my reply, it’s kinda sad. Another time a neighbor inquired as to how I was doing. And I thought they had asked after my brother. As everyone asked all the time about my brother. So I started to give them the most up to date status on my brothers affairs. They said, I didn’t ask about _ _ _ _, I asked about you. My reply was, "It doesn’t matter how I’m doing". They were very nice about it. They tried to convince me that it did matter how I was doing, I couldn’t be swayed.In looking back I see I was so thorougly brain washed into believing that I was no good and unworthy of mention. I also feel badly about not defending my father to the two brothers. I never saw him defend himself or me against my mother.  Ultimately, he died of a stroke due to high blood pressure.

I just want to clarify, I was not beaten all the time. The things mentioned above are certainly the bulk of the beatings. I think what was more damaging was the verbal abuse, which was constant. And still goes on to this day.

I have started talking. I call a mental health talk line and speak anonomously. I’m playing by new rules, " Where physical abuse, verbal abuse and criticism of any kind don’t have a home. Because Love lives in me. I have right to be here. I think I’m ok the way I am. I’d like to reach the point and say I know I’m ok the way I am. I find it so difficult to deal with my mother. Thinking about starting therapy to learn how to set boundaries.

Managed to have an argument with her today. That was carried over from a week ago. I’ve been keeping my distance. I live in a small town; everyone loves to make up stories. Two years ago I had a medical procedure. Word on the street was that I had died. Needless, to say some were surprised when I was up and walking. I know exactly who started the rumor: I ‘ve asked my mother never to discuss me again with those people. Well, what she did was run down to their house and apprise them of my current situation involving travel. I’m sure it will come back in a much-shaded version of the truth. She couldn’t understand why I was upset. As I was expressing my shock and disbelief at what she had done, the screaming started. She yelled at me and of course made mention that I have no friends. I left the house. As a result I kept my distance for the week and only went there today because I had to. I confronted her about sharing my personal info with other people, which caused more screaming she accused me of trying to give her a stroke.

I remained calm and inquired as to why she couldn’t speak in a normal tone of voice. I told her to keep it down and she’s not to yell at me anymore. Then she turns around and accused me of yelling at her. Who’s crazy.

Why are you still with him? - ashlememphis - Dec 4th 2009

If your bf is treating you that way, why are you still there? You know that it's not right. He rapes you and beats you. If someone else told you their bf was doing that to them I'm sure you would tell them to leave him. You need to care about yourself more than you care about him. Please leave him before he kills you.

My On and Off Boyfriend - Aleah - Dec 3rd 2009

I have a boyfriend and he hits me all the time. He beats, rapes, yells, slaps, and accuses me of cheating all the time. If he wants to have sex and i refuse he either rapes, or beat me until i give in. When i am looking or being accused of looking at another man he grabs me by the neck and slaps me in front of everyone, this makes me feel very embarressed. Please anyone reading this story help me out and tell me the right thing to do before it's too late.

i feel so alone. - - Nov 24th 2009

how do i make things right in an abusive relationship without haveinh to break up??? i have no one to talk to! 

being mentaly abused by my boyfriend! - - Nov 24th 2009

i am being mentaly abused by mi boyfriend, i find it so hard some times i am now depresed i dnt ever do my makeup i dnt go out i cant talk to any other men, i get quized every time i go out and thats why i dnt anymore. i never see my friends anymore, he would tel me if i am alloued to go out i am even made guilty wen family askes me. Also if i am not back for a sertin time all hell breakes loose, he has through things at me helld me down for no reason that deservers that he has never hit me... when i cry after he has been cheeky i am told i am a cry baby an to grow up and get a bit of back bone he dosnt lyk to see me cry so now i do it when hes not ther . i always feel as tho i can not do anything right. for example he tells me what to do all the time as in cleaning the house and i no that prob sounds silly but i am working a 56 hour week i have no time to myself and when i come home i clean then go to bed i am told that i am a lazy b****, iv no ambitchion to do anything when al i do is things for him and he never notices he wil always find something to have a go at me for yet he dose nothing to help an blames me for everything.  he dose nothing rong n he is always right. He cals me horible manes and makes me feel realy low i feel lyk all he wants is lifted n layed.   Weeks could go by and things are realy good sometimes months and then 1 day the comes home from work and he is a diferent man, i now cant be bothered with anything i can only explane him as jackel n hide a click of a finger and the man i love and adore is no longer ther, he feels bad after and appologises an tells me he shouldnt do what he dose n he dosent mean it or he would just act as if nothing hapened and then wonders why i am up set. i reali feel that he has problems and i wnt to help him but any time i confront him about the way he gets on and how it makes me feel its not him its me!! i have never met any1 lyk him and i honestlly have to say i dnt think he dosnt relises the way he speaks to me sometimes reali gets me down !!!!!!!!! i dont no how to help him as a person thats indnial is had to make listen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Hurtfull Memories - Sarah - Nov 22nd 2009

From the time i was 5 to the time I was 12, and moved to my dads, i was mentally, verbally physically and sexually abused. My step dad used to tell me that it was 'our little secret' and 'not to tell mommy or she would be mad at me'. I believed these things when I was young because I had no reason not to. He used to tell me i was a 'whimp' when i couldn't open a jar of something, he used to put me down in every way posssible. When I was 6 he started to pinch me on my legs. My councellor told me that this was a form of grooming, as in getting me used to him touching me. About a year later the pinching increased, this time it was on my inner thighs. Around another year later is when he started touching me. I have many horrible memories of many horrible days. But the bottom line is that I told someone, and you have to too. Someone is always there to help, and for me it was my dad and my best friend.

Much thanks to the both of them.

MY INSPIRATIONAL STORY - 2009 - SHARON - Nov 14th 2009

My real name is Sharon  (Not Frances). 

I wrote the following Articles which I posted onto this site:

A)  "The affects of Suffering From Abuse - Nov 12 2009"

B)  "Response to Verbal Abuse - Oct 30 2009"

C)  "Response to "Don't Want To Be Responsible - Oct 22 2009"; and

D)  "Sharon's Survival of Abuse" - Parts 1-3.

Further to the above, I am now ready to share another story and hope I can help someone turn their life around like I did. 

Two months after marriage, my health deteriorated.  After rehabilitation and strong will to beat my health problem, I was faced with yet another BIG challenge..... 

I was subjected to crucial daily abuse - both morning & night and full days on week-ends.  It never stopped.  When I came out of hospital, the abuse was more and more constant.  

From the lowest point I turned my life back around and had STRONG SUPPORT.  I made a POSITIVE decision to divorce and say NO to abuse. 

The important thing here is NEVER let anyone take away your spirit of who you are as a person !  Say NO to domestic violence. 

The first step is recognise it, decide what appropriate action to take and seek help.  

Live life to the fullest.  A life is not lived if it's only half lived.   Best of Luck. 

Sharon.

To the WOW poster - - Nov 14th 2009

Not only is **** you abusive, but it's very childish.

To WOW - - Nov 14th 2009

The only person that can protect the children is that mother. She said herself "when will I have enough?" It should be enough that their psychological well being is at stake. That could cause them long term psychological issues.

 If it were for financial reasons...etc, she would have had enough, but feels trapped. She did not state that. I'm simply going by the context of her post.

The point I was trying to make was, She is the only person that can change things. People treat you as you allow them to treat you. If you stand by and let abusers abuse, who else is to blame? Usually (not always) abusers don't change, but only get worse. She needs to take control back. I thought that was basic psychology.    

Wow.. - - Nov 11th 2009

I was looking up something about abuse as a child because my husband was. Not that he is abusive at all, I wanted to find out how to help him open up or organize thoughts when he is upset. He has problems explaining what he is feeling and I think it has to do with his past (and being a man, hehe) Anyway...

Michelle...who the hell are you to talk to that person like that??? "you have no one to blame but yourself"...I will say it for the last writer **** You!

People are in situations that I could never fully understand, let alone comfort them. And you have done nothing but abuse her yourself. She came here looking for help and you treat her the same as her husband! Why you don't you go take a chill pill and come back on after that!

Anyway being in a abusive relationship is not an easy one to get out of, not in the least. Many women are stuck financially and/or have no family members to turn to. I feel sorry for those stuck, I hope one day you find your light at the end of the tunnel!

 

Michelle - me - Nov 8th 2009

OMG, Why would you subject yourself and your kids to that? Nothing will ever change, it only gets worse. You have nobody to blame but yourself, by allowing him to do that. Get out!

abuse by husband - Michelle - Nov 6th 2009

I have a verbally abusive husband who was abused as a child himself. We have been together for 21 years, when will I have enough. I am told I am ugly, fat , bitch, I hate you! Etc and this is also done in front of my kids. There are forms of abuse on my kids too now he calls them name like cry baby, little girl and they are both boys. And will not give them a kiss before bed if they have made him mad. They will lay in there bed crying and he will not go give them a kiss. When is enough enough????

support - family member - Nov 5th 2009

I agree there is no excuse for abuse... NONE. I myself have never been abused, but my brother has been accused of domestic violence and child endangerment (spanking that left markings on his step daughter)... I never thought i'd be directly affected by an accusation such as this. I have never witnessed the alleged abuse but my brother has a hot temper and anger management issues. As his sister, i don't want to believe the accusations, however, I am also a realist and I dont put anything past anyone (not even a family member). He and I grew up together, but i moved out of state immediately after high school and continued my life's journey (only visiting for the holidays), he on the other hand, stayed in our small hometown and started a family. They barely make ends meet and his wife comes from a family where there was abuse in the home and she is in jail for violating parole on an issue she had with the law before meeting my brother... So, there's the background... Now, my question to you all is, how do i handle this situation? I am now living close to my hometown and I see my family often. This is an issue that i must confront. But i dont know what to say the next time i see him. He is going to trial and his 2 little girls  and step daughter now live with my parents which is another stressful issue. If he did not do this, i will be on his side 100%, but if he did.. i dont know how i feel about the direction of our relationship if he is found guilty and how or what do i do during the days prior to his trial?

 Please .. any advice is welcome.. i ask that you refrain from attacking his character in your response. I love him and he has NOT been found guity of the accusations. Thank you.

abuseve people! - jade - Nov 5th 2009

okay i dont really get why they would wanna hurt other people even though they didnt do nothing. It's not right!!! i think its mainly becuase when they were young like the child's age they remember and they just can't help it.. But yeah i needed to get that out there.. im 14 but none of this abusing has never happened to me but i know many friends and my mom. she never didnt what her stepdad did to her its awesome... but i do feel sorry for her cuz it happened when she was 3 to 17. the messed up part is that she told my grandma 4 times but she never listened. so it kept goin on.. i just wanna to say that.

but i hope it never happens to my family again!!!!!!!!!

Jade

verbal abuser - - Oct 30th 2009

My ex was arrested for domestic assault & I have a restraining order yet he still comes around calling a cunt, whore, skank etc. What so I do? If I call the police again he will be arrested again. I will lose all financial assistance (we have 3 small children). Again what do I do? I feel like I am a victim over & over again...How do I survive???

Abuse - Love - Oct 29th 2009

I think why some people abuse ttheir kid is because some body have i done it to them in the past so that why they abuse their kid

RESPONSE TO "DON'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE" - Oct 22nd 2009 - - Oct 21st 2009

Further to reading "Don't Want To Be Responsible - Apr 12 2009", I totally relate to everything you have written!  He took no responsibility for anything!   He actually compared himself to a child - not a grown man with responsibilities! 

I too was so badly abused.  My ex was so damaging to my mental health.  He kept putting me down & showed NO love and NO care, he only cared for himself!  It all happened once we married. Looking back, it all started the first night we became husband & wife yet I didn't question it! 

He lied daily.  I caught him out a few times & when I questioned him, he denied everything.  He blamed me all the time ! It was all my fault!!  He even drove me to a brothel instead of the coffee shop!  Again he looked innocent and denied knowning it was a brothel yet he drove straight there without the melways! 

I began to lose my identity & self worth.  I have since divorced him and have absolutely NO regrets - the only regret is I should have done it sooner, but it was too hard as I loved him so much and he knew that.  Now he knows I don't love him! He was a charmer but after marriage I saw him without the musk which he tried so hard to hide behind.  

I survived this abuse only by the strong support from family. Without their support, I would never have been able to get away from him.  In reality, I would not be here to tell my story!  Note:  He put me into hospital 4 times !  The last time I was in hospital, he stole from me. Yes, he stole from me!        

The memories are still raw but I don't allow myself to give it much attention.  Even though I experienced  painful events, there are nice people in this World - just have to search for them.

Thanks - Bon - Sep 16th 2009

Thanks for helping me with my project. 

NO EXCUSE - Victorius - Sep 1st 2009

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!!!

END OF SCRIPT!..If a person has this problem get some help and deal with your issues.    

I am tired of the poor me from abuses who abuse....

plenty of people who have been abuse DO NOT ABUSE their spouses, or kids.    So can the "poor me"

ABUSERS ARE THE PROBLEM, NOT THEIR VICTIMS!

GET A LIFE, GET SOME HELP & GET OVER YOURSELF

.................An abuse survivor!

so what - - Aug 1st 2009

i came on here to look for something completely different( to understand my abuse) and still listened to you! I'm someone who knows no love or how to get better!!! and that's all i ever wanted! i know i'm not, who i want to be yet! but i know i could be so much stronger than the bad people that hurt me!! i just need help!!!!

verbal abuse online - carla - Jul 31st 2009

there is a group of people online in mental health rooms who verbally abuse me and several others. Both men and women and they think it's ok to verbally assault people without even knowing us. i have been called nasty names like bitch, cunt, retard by this group of people constantlty for over 2 years and have reported them to yahoo yet , yahoo refuses to ban them permanently. it's like it gives them a license to keep verbally abusing people they have never met nor will ever meet.  Today i tried to forgive one of my abusers and it backfired into more verbal abuse there is no getting through to this guy that he has no right to treat women this way. or anyone. whenever he is angry he takes it out on people online. and he has so many people kissing his ass in the chatrooms. there is definitely something wrong there where he and his friends think it's ok to attack someone who is already dealing with abuse issues. this guy was taking his personal issues with his ex out on me and i have nothing to do with his marital issues. yahoo needs to wake up and stop allowing verbal abusers to stay .

abused and not suported - - Jul 23rd 2009

I've been lied on by my nephew to my mother-in-law, and she believes him eventhough he has been mentally sick all of his life.  My husband defends his mother and doesn't realize that she tears into me when he leaves the room-he makes excuses for her.  I have finally told my husband that I can no longer take trips for weekends at his parents because the abuse has gotten worse.  I told him that he could go, but not to ask me anymore.  I've been told that I have plotted against my nephew because he has a child and I couldn't have children.  That is the most horrible thing that anyone could ever say to me!!!!  That is how my mother-in-law has turned on me.

My brother lied on me to his daughter recently too.  My dad defended him and walked away from me.  But the lie was about my dad too, and I showed him the email that was sent to my niece with the lies about us.  My dad defends my brother like he was a saint.

I don't understand what is going on in my family.  I would like to run away from them all and start over where they can't find me.  I'm tired of people taking advantage of me, turning me into their victum, and playing emotional blackmail because that is what I feel is going on.  I never dreamed that we all couldn't be in the same room together.  It's just plain sad.

mental abuse from a father - - Jul 21st 2009

I am not a victim of sexual or physical abuse.  I am however, a victim of emotional/psychological abuse.  My father has emotionally abused me since I was around the age of 12.  I am now 18.  My father emotionally abuses my mother as well.  My mom has been talking about getting a divorce for months.  She obviously hasn't gone through with it, and I'm not sure that she ever will.  My father constantly calls us stupid, and many other derogatory terms.  The next day, he pretends that none of those things ever happened.  I want to hate him, but no matter how much I try, I can't.  I find it hard to hate someone who helped make my life possible.  Everytime my father tries to tell me he loves me, I think he's lying.  When he apologizes for his actions (which is rare) I find it hard to believe as well.  He wouldn't keep saying those terrible things if he was truely sorry.  My father has told me my whole life that I have no choice and that I'm going to college.  Now that I have decided and been accepted to a university, he has refused to help put me through school.  He says he doesn't have the money but a few days ago he just bought a $1400 truck with cash only.  One year of my school costs around $16,000.  $1,400 doesn't seem like a lot, but when it's school we're talking about, every little bit helps.  I'm completely confused on why he acts this way towards me and my mother.  He acts so happy when other people are around and the minute they leave his attitude does a complete 180.  I would like to know why he treats us the way he does.  I just can't put my finger on it.  If you're reading this, thanks for reading.  If you can provide any kind of advice, I would greatly apprieciate it.  Thanks again.

-Looking for Answers

abused - Shawn - Jul 4th 2009

I am a man, 41, and was just abused. My live in GF was so drunk (blacked out I believe) that she bit my arm (twice), then called the police on herself.

Now, I am not a small guy. She is only 90lbs. If I even defended myself I would hurt her.

Police arrested her. Sad. Many issues lead to abuse. I hope she changes for herself before she spends a lot of time in prison.

i agree abuse is a sick persons buzz for power - someone who was abused and changed her life when she got help - Jun 29th 2009

i belive people abuse for a sick feeling of extreme power   they know its wrong but they dont care because they r getting there extreme buzz of power    these people r evil  yes some people r evil  its how they tick    when i was a child  i was abused physically emotianley and sexaully   to the point i wacthed my parents preform torture on my brothers  all i could see was there pleausure in there faces as they felt power   more more power  this is how they got there buzz   unfortunley  these sick people can then use that power for gain  i was sold to men as a child for sex  so there power even paid them   i still cant get my head around it  as abusers tell lies they keep the power they want the victim to belive it was all them or it never happened  so the victim will carry on being vulunable to abuse    abuse knocks the shit out of a persons life  and i mean life   it is impossiable for a person to recover in to the person who they meant to be without profeesssional help  they will as a victim b in permanant victim mode unless they recive proffessional help   the abused get used to being abused like me all i knew was violence sexaul abuse and life was a bad place  but hey i thought that was what life was      going on to a violent marriage  a string of abusive relationships   it was all i knew   the abusers they know if your a victim  its how there wired up they seek out poor abused victims  to abuse  physically emotianley sexaually  the abusers want there sick buzzz of power  the only way they can get that is threw abuse  b it child aldult or animals  i say animals because i know  my parents would even beat the animals   because there vulunable  abuserers r bullys of the extreme form  a danger to the human race   they a r sick evil form of human  they r wired up that way   and yes they can stop  they have a choice to stop and control them selves   if they cant control them selves then they should seek medical help     they know what there doing   i was abused from day dot  and i got lucky  at the age of 32 i got help for trauma   post traumtic stress disorder   best thing that ever happened to me   i got a new life  well certainley getting there  i advise anyone who has been abused in any form no matter how small  get help go to your drs and ask to b reffered to the mental health services  and say u were abused and wish help to heal  write it down if u cant feel u can open your mouth to say the words i used to do that when i first got help   i was so scared of human beings i couldent even speak out for my needs  thats ok  then write it down on paper give to your dr  post it to them if u cant c them face to face   there there to help and they will refer u 4 help   menatl health team does not mean your mad  it means u have been abused  programmened like a robot by the abuser to think and feel like they want u 2  so they can abuse u 4 there sick pleausure   get yourself unprogramened  get to know who u r   u cant find your self on your own  it takes a proffessional to unprogram the shit the abuser put in your head   i know  been there  im seeing a phycologist cpn and have seen a phyciatrist  and im on the road to recovery  and i know i am  because i can feel it   i feel more realxed about being me im not scared to be me  and i am even talikng to other people  dont feel so frightened by people   shit i used to b so frightned of people   dont get me wrong i still feel fear  but not half as much  i got a little more to go but im on that great road of recovery and well i think im starting to like myself  know that a miracle for an abused person to say  i hope this will go 2 help anyone else who has been abused in anyway  eithier has a child or in domestic violence   abuse does not ever leave u even when the abuser has gone   u have to get proffessional help  and its so much worth  it  get help  go to your dr and ask 2 b refferred to the mental health services  and then take a look at thia a year later and tall me how different u feel  and how your life has changed  i bet it has  big time !  

chatroom abusers - carla - May 30th 2009

 

there are a few guys who hang out in yahoo's depression support rooms who harass and bully me and so many others. the thing is yahoo does nothing to stop them and refuses to take the complaints serious. so many people have left chat because of this and because yahoo won't enforce their own safety rules , they just say ignore instead of punishing them by permanently banning them from chat.

 One guy insists on attacking me and calling me names and assuming what race i am, and he thinks he is so cool but he isn't. he and his friends attack me with a booter when they see me talking to 2 of my friends just 'cus they have issues with them they take it out on me just for associating with them and i was friends with them before the bullies came along.

where do they get off dictating who anyone can talk to when we are adults and paying our own internet bills? this guy has called me a fat retarded mexican c*nt and i'm not mexican or retarded . yes i have a learning disability but that doesn't make A person retarded. anyway i have put him on permanent ignore and he is still trying to harass and mess with me. I had contacted an attorney but he said it's not worth it since i don't have  big bucks, so does that make it ok for a sick bastard to mess with a woman who wants nothing to do with him? I have told people i don't think he's all that great or special and i refuse to kiss his ass which he wants and so many do kiss his ass to keep the peace but i have been a victim of abuse by other men so why should i put up with it on the net? 

 Yahoo needs to quit being stupid and letting these jerks get away with it. i have been abused my whole life by family, kids and teachers at school, total strangers. when is this shit gonna end? it's hard to get any self esteem when people treat you like a helpless infant your whole life. my own mom and sisters are bullies and they refuse to see that they have issues they all take it out on me and i'm the only one seeing a therapist. my family thinks therapy is for stupid people but it's for people who want and deserve better. My sisters and mom have no respect for me they refuse to treat me like a person but like their puppet. they sabotaged my weight loss efforts when i had gastric bypass surgery always interfering when they arent wanted. their idea of helping me is to baby me and i'm almost 45 years old and they refuse to listen when i say what they are doing is destroying me as an individual by trying to make me be whatv they want me to be. they can't accept me as i am they refuse to get to know me as i really am by trying to change me.

my lifee - melanie - May 29th 2009

hey well i have finally recoverd from all the abuse from my mother and the sexual assult from my brother. i has a extremly sacary thing and i didnt know what to do. i thought i was the right thing for someone in your family too do. Childrens aid got involved now im 16 and im out of all the stuff. if i would have been there longer i was scared my mom was going to kill me so im so thankfull now

Wat to do - ton - May 27th 2009

Pray no matter what, Pray God can help you this is so horrible what is happening, God is there have faith and Pray, I will pray for you all, you need it! I'm sorry you have to go through this, no one deserves it God loves you he will be with you in Heaven if you PRAY and have FAITH!

Be strong

my mother - Raped and tired - May 25th 2009

when i was 6 i was raped by my mothers boyfriied im 28 and i found out that she is back with him lord what shall i do

help Me Plzzz - Denise - May 22nd 2009

Well The Best Advice i May Give U Make Sure U Call Ppl Nad HAve Dem Take CAre Of Ur Brither Have Them take Him To a Shelter Thats The Only Way Before Something Worse Can happen

Jus Be There FOr ur Brother

Denise Aka Morena

just wanted to gain victory - - May 21st 2009

When I was 9 years old we adopted my big sister. She came from a home where she was beaten, neglected, and raped. Things were tough when she moved in. When my parents left the house she would beat me up all the time. She hit me and shoved me into things. She used to pin my arms and legs down and repeatedley hit my chest. I think she did it because she was so used to being the underdog in her other home, she saw the entertainment that her grandparents took in mistreating her and I guess she just wanted to gain victory... She'll never know how bad it hurt.

thiz iz my life and im too stupied to leave this life....may 5 2009 - lonely. - May 6th 2009

im only 14 and i have been through so many things.also many horrible things.i have a boyfriend who is 16 and he was the best thing i ever had in my life. i met him and he was so sweet.until i  cheated on him,well i went out with someone he knows. he really loved me though he kept saying he wanted me back. i found my heart and my brain i knew i loved him too so i went out with him again.things changed so fast . he was never the same again. evertime he rememberd i lleft him fo someone hewould yell at me til i cry  or  hit sometimes. but he wasnt like that so much  just most times.so i stood by him. cuz i still love him. we are goin out and itz beenn almost 2 years since he changed drastically. we broke up hundreds of times but i dont know what to do .he admited he hated me and regrets me but then he changes his ways. he use to buy me lotz of thingz and remembered to get me sumthinon holidayz .but that was only for a year.he didnt get me nothin fo m y b day thiz year,christmas or anything else.itz not that i want it but he is the one that strated giving them to me so him changin itz just wrong..SO DONT EVER LEAVE THE ONE YOU LOVE FOR THE ONE YOU LIKE CUZ ITZ JUST SO HURTFUL AND ITZ A MISTAKE

False accusations are abuse - Annie - May 2nd 2009

My sister in law is a habitual accuser. When caught sneaking out of her house one night, she claimed to have been sexually attacked outside her home.  Filed a false police report to throw her parents off.She routinely claimed to be pregnant when she wasn't to 'test' her current boyfriend's love.She used to laugh about molesting baby boys as a teenaged baby sitter.  This was in the '70's, before the current molester hyteria started.  I told her I was molested as a child, it was horrifically damaging. Shortly afterward, she began to tell people my 'I was molested' story - herself now being the 'victim'.  She even used my exact phrasing and vocal inflections.  I thought she was mocking me, but  realized she just liked the drama so much she decided to adopt it as her own 'story'.Years later as a mother she did  'emergency room' dramas with her kids quite a bit.  It was expensive and records are kept, however,so she moved on to other 'dramas'.When 'stalking' became popular on the Donohue show, she began claiming someone was 'stalking' her baby daughter.  She would  never seek help from the police, however.  She even complained how everyone was so concerned about her baby daughter instead of her...the 'stalker' was someone giving her husband a bad time at work...Years later she accused a 5 year old neighbor boy of raping her 4 year old daughter after she and the boy's mother got into an argument.  She again wouldn't report it to the police, but certainly told everyone in the neighborhood, trying to force the family to move.  She would scream 'raper boy' at the little boy in his front yard. Eventually, they moved to WA state, saying they "couldn't bear to live where their daughter was raped."About 4 years later, she and I got into an argument during a family visit in her home.  I caught her sneaking alcohol to a recovering alcoholic family member.  She responded by accusing my son of molesting her son.  Again, she didn't want to report it to authorities, but repeatedly told everyone in the family my son was a molester. After a few months of this, I told her if she truly believe it happened she must report it - but I would also report her frequent accusations as well as her history of molesting children herself if she didn't apologize to my son.  She called and apologized that very night.Two years later, I recieved a call from the local police.  Her daughter (the one she claimed was raped by a 5 year old)  was now saying my (then)15 year old son raped her everyday for two weeks during that family visit two years ago.  She 'disclosed' during a tantrum when she wasn't allowed to attend a party.When I tried to tell the investigators about  her history of accusations, I learned that this information was inadmissable - rape shielded. Both the accuser and mother, as 'victim by proxy', could say anything and it was considered the truth.  I was barred from participating in my son's defense, for 'revictimizing the victim' by trying to tell about her past. She denied all previous accusations and the years of sexual abuse therapy her child had been exposed to. "He must have done it, how else would she know about such things" was the prosecutor's argument. "You'll never get an aquittal in Seattle", was the mantra attorney's told us. My son insisted on going to trial - he passed three polygraphs saying he didn't do it, and her medical records showed she was virginally intact.10 days before trial, the family moved back to Utah, claiming again they "couldn't bear to live where their daughter had been raped." My son still insisted on going to trial - he was innocent.  She had her daughter admitted to a mental hospital, writing a hysterical letter to the Judge that her daughter was walking around lighting her clothes on fire. My son was forced to accept an Alford plea for no jail time, then jailed for a month anyway after passing another polygraph saying he didn't do it. My sister in law was flown back to Seattle at taxpayer's expense for my son's sentencing, bringing a group of court watchers and abuse counselors to cry and protest at his sentencing. My son's probation officer quit a few days afterward - I know he caught the triumphant smile she gave me as my son was handcuffed and lead from the courtroom. Immediately after my son went to jail, his accuser 'bounced back' and no longer needed counseling or therapy of any sort. Lighting her clothes on fire one day, fine and dandy the next. This was 11 years ago, in 1998.  My son was put through three tortous years of sex abuse therapy, which is sexual abuse in itself. He almost went to prison, he could never pass the forced confession polygraphs or 'comply' with sex offender treatment.   My husband suffered a heart attack from the stress. I considered suicide many times. I still don't know how my son lived through it. He is 26 years old now, and still forced to register as a sex offender.He ran into his accusers at an airport several years ago.  They began crying, and asking him to "just let it go.  Let's be a family again."  He simply smiled and told them he already let it go.  He bore it all so well until that day - he thought she was mentally ill and truly believed it happened.  After that, he realized she did it just for 'fun', and it has become unbearable for him. He will be petitioning the court to be removed from the sex offender registry, and they will be seeking her imput...it's a long shot, I have no idea how this will turn out. I can only pray to God this ends someday for him.Thank you for listening.

A response for rodney - Maranda - May 1st 2009

I understand where u are coming from , but i think that u are old enough 2 move out on ur own. u are also old enough 2 stand up 2 ur mom and tell her that ur dealing with her crap anymore and u can find a friend or other relative 2 go with. im a type of person who would not deal with this bull crap anymore. Dont let ur mom run u like that anymorte if youve dealt with it all ur life.

been there i know how it feels. - wow flying dog - Apr 28th 2009

i feel really sorry for all of you i have been there and i know what it feels like. throughtout my life i have been every kind of abused. negleted, sexualy abused, emotionaly, verbaly and yes even physicaly. the abuse stopped when we left him. thet was about three years ago. but something happened a few days ago and i cant stop thinking about all of the things that happened. and it is haunting me!   any advice?

I have been sexualy abuse - adtzirith partida - Apr 11th 2009

I had been abuse,by my step dad.All this sexual abuse started like around when I was 5 or 6 or 7 I dont remember really well and right now i'am 12 years old.I felt horriable when he did all this nasty things to me.I tryed to till my mom but I didnt had the corage I was was scared I thought she wont belive me.But one day my friends where talking about themeselfs, they told me they were abuse too.. I never told them I was abused I dont why but then we were in P.E we when with our consler for they could talk about it to her they said they were abused and they all stared crying I wanted to cry to but I saved it the consler told me if I was abused to I told her I wasen't and she said ok thats good so we started talking to the consler about more I was the quite one I never nothing but then we finshed and we when to P.E I stated crying I couldn't stop they told whats wrong I told them I've been abuse too by my step dad it almost happens evertime when my mom gose and buys food for me and my little brother i'am always at my room when mom lives because I dont like it when he abuses of me I till him to stop but he dosent he sometimes heats me he dose alot of things to me...   I told my friends everthign he did to me and they that we need too go tell the consler and I said''NO'' i'am scared and they said its for your own good you want this to keep happing?And I said NO,so they said then lets go till the consler I said Ok but tommarow and they said ok....It was tommarow already one of my frinds told me they told the colsler already and I got scared I told but I was gonna till her and said I know but we had to till her i'am but its for your own good and I told them ''thank you''..  We went to talk I told her everything and they called the police and they asked me questions I anwered everything and then I had to to the police to alot people when mom found she started crying she couldn't stop crying..='( And days passed..... PLEASE IF YOUR BEING ABUSE TILL SOMEONE DONT BE SCARED BE BRAVE BUT ONCES THIS HAPPENS YOU COULD NOT GET IT AWAY FROM YOUR EACH DAY I REMEMBER EVERYTHING MY STEP DAD DID TO ME BUT PLEASE DONT SUFFER AND TILL THE POLICE THEY WILL YOU BECAUSE THEY HELPED ME ALOT..=)

Me And My school - Pih - Mar 16th 2009

Hello my name is pih and i would now WHY IN THE WORLD does peaple sexual abuse or abuse little childrens adults normal children and e.t.c..

I would love to have and answer if possible in my e-mail.

Thanks,Pietra,11years old

- - Mar 5th 2009

I have always been an unwanted child,my dad used to spoil me rotton,my dad wanted me,but I was not accepted by my own mother.My own brothers used to get on with me well,but since I got married,I have had problems with them.I had my first child,all was well until I had her and from the age of 12 years of age,my brothers and mother took over her,she subsequentally admitted she had mental problems,my brothers and mother interferred continously,and me and my husband,how no powers,we used to love her and support her in everything she did,even when she left school and helped her to find a Saturday job,I did this for her,but she told my brothers and mother and they helped her find another job,not to mention they constantly inteferred with my daughter,she started to become nasty with me with her mental problems,I tried to get her help,she wouldn't let me she was 16 by then and decided that her grandmother and her uncles were boss.

We don't speak or have any communications at all,she turned against me and said,well I know what your like,your brothers know what your like to,I could never answer them back,they had power over me and my daughter,to this day,I have no communications with any of them,the family destroyed my relationship with her.I subsequently lost my partner nearly 3 years ago,she turned even more nasty,with her own problems,we always supported her,but I was according to her,never a good enough mother,or her father,she wanted it on a plate,by my own extended family.They have betrayed me,all because,I didn;t do so well in my life and thought that if I am no good there,then I am not a good enough mother to her.

I don't talk to any of them,I hate them all,and my daughter has a lot to answer to,scheming liar she turned out to be,I am not allowed any contact with my grandchildren either,we as parents did everything possible for her with the first one as the other's weren't born then only to be dumped when I lost my partner,all because of that family and her beliefs,that I just wasn't good enough.

I put my family first,I gave up things,I was always there for her,its only my boys I am interested now,its her loss,she thinks I am not capable of being a good grandmother to her children,all because of that scum family of mine.

 

I have one grandchild and the couple are certainly normal,she never had the mental problems addressed,even my family,don;t know half of what she done,no of course not,She never told them anything,so of course she is the good one in this and I am the bad one.Shame it will come back to haunt her.

Bullying - Christine guntrip - Mar 5th 2009
What do you do when your being cyber bullied? even when you ignore it,it still persist? I have ignored it,but it still goes on.

Being abused by a woman - - Feb 23rd 2009

Hi, my first words are for Rodney who posted on 3rd of Feb, in some ways I understand what you are going through. I was abused by my mother for 18 years. When I was little I always thought that when I got big I would be able to stand up for myself and not let her do it. However, at the age of 14 I started to have a physical disability which has continued to get worse. This meant that there was no escape from her if I tried to stand up to her look down on her because I was the taller, she would kick my crutches out from under me. This would leave me in a heep on the floor, from that day on, I knew if she knew she could get to me then she would get to me and hurt me. Although I am female my mother sexually abused me as well as psychologically and physically, she was also having an afair behind my fathers back, and she would make me have sex with her boyfriend. Many people don't think that mothers can do such things. One day when I was feeling brave I rang an help line here in the UK called the National Society for the provention of crewlty to children (NSPCC) the response I got was that a mother would never do such things. They were wrong it doesn't matter whether it is a man or a woman they can still harm another being. Sorry if I have rambled, but am a bit stressed at the moment.

Rodney - I know that you say you have no money, but I am sure there are shelters where you could stay and get support until you get yourself back on your feet. You might even find that some of the female shelters will let you in if you explain the situation. Please whatever you do, start to get out of there or atleast make a plan to get out of there soon. thinking of you

and to everyone else out there "Safe" hugs

Steph

Finding Empathy - - Feb 22nd 2009

Background

When I was a child by brother and I accidently turned an innocently misplaced hand into intentional but "mild" experimental behavior of each others parts. The behavior happened once more and then we never did it again or spoke on it. I was young and the type to tell my parents everything I felt guilty for, so I wrote a letter telling them what happened- not blaming either one of us, just letting them know it happened. The response, I expected was anger but was told to not let it happen again by my mother.I was relieved, then confused, then angry  because I felt like they didnt care-even at my age, I expected more words... or something.

Throughout my adolescent to teen years I began masturabating. A second incident happened in high school which I wrote in my journal and my mom found and read but never really talked with me it --or sex.

Problem 

I know most people dont think there is  anything wrong  with masturabating, but personally I want to stop. What troubles me more than the act, is the thoughts-- I dont think like a female should in the "scene". I get aroused by  a women being raped or taken advantage of in some way, but still thinking to myself "she deserves it". This never happened to me so I cant imagine why I would feel this way. There is no emotion, no nothing.

I  find this to be the case even in conversations.If someone tells me they were abused or molested, my normal reaction would be neutral, but I realize this ISNT normal so I give the reaction that I should have  had in the first place-this is the scariest thing about my situation. I know often times I see people as object and while im not sexaully active (with other people) I still am usually nonchalant about the feeling of people in general, however I am working on ways to be more caring.

I dont expect my situation to be relateable but if you have any feedback, Im open to listening.

Faith

I was an abuser! - Ashamed Abuser - Feb 21st 2009

I was an abuser! Every day I have to live with the guilt and shame of how I treated my other significant half.

I did almost everything an abuser does, for 4 years :

  • I tried to keep my partner from friends and family.
  • I verbally abused my partner about his looks, his qualifications, his intelliigence.
  • I embarrassed him in front of his own friends.

My actions were WRONG and I realised that only months after I broke up, and this is because I was abused myself - almost TWICE. What went around enentually came around, and I deserved what I got because had it not been for my own abuse in that short time, I would never have realised what I had done to my ex partner.

Why did I do it?

It is as simple as this: because I did not know or realise that what I was doing was abuse. I thought I was right and ok.

How did it start?

We had problems from the start of our relationship, and I lost trust in my partner right from the start!

I was lied to and I found out. My friends warned me about my partner. They continued to warn me about his behaviour. 

As a result, I became possessive, and then this turned into verbal abuse, because I had to get control back.

How did it progress?

This then became worse as my partner became even more secretive. I became more frustrated, our relationship was an unhappy one, I felt really unhappy. My partner was unhappy.

How did it end?

I caught him out, he was with his "dad" at his house, and yet when I made a surprise visit, he was not there, but was at friends. I calll three times, while I stood in his empty lounge, he told me how his "dad" was still there and how he was still  "cleaning up" before he came aorund to me.

So why do I feel guilty?

That is easy, simply because my partner was being untruthful and living his "own life", I was still abusive because I had no right to say the things I did. He was untruthful to me, so I should have walked away - as the better person, but now I share the guilt for my own abusive behaviour.

The result?

I am a better person, I will treat others as I would like to be treated. I will be the better person, always.

 

Dina Cantagallo -- PLEASE READ! - - Feb 6th 2009

Dina, you're a brave person to reach out online.  You can call (856) 227-1234 (a 24-hour hotline) for the Camden County Women's Center  You can also call the New Jersey Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 572-7233, also a 24-hour hotline.  Finally, there's a National Domestic Violence 24-hour hotline, and it's (800) 799-7233.  I think all of these places will advise you to get out of your home as soon as possible and come to one of their shelters.  I hope that you do.  

If you have not already, in the future, try to only access this website from a public computer (I know that's hard to do.)  I will check back periodically to see if you post again.  Good luck. 

Stuck - Rodney - Feb 3rd 2009

I don't know exactly how to put this... I'm 20 and I live with my mother who's abused me for as long as I could remember. I know it has to do with all the men that have hurt her, including my father.

Every day I pay for other peoples' mistakes and it's really hard to deal with. It started with being called names, being told that I can't do anything right, being physically disciplined much more than necessary.

The year that I grew taller than my mother, she stopped beating me, and took to more psychological abuse. I've been told for years that I'm rebellious, hateful, ugly, worthless, that I'm hated, etc.

And I still to this day don't understand how my two older sisters could see that happening to me, but never spoke up for me, and now they still don't say a word.

What more that I don't understand is how I can be called all of those things and be none of them. I've never been able to do anything but go to school and work. The only time that I'm treated correctly is when I'm giving my mother my money. When I don't, suddenly I'm worthless. 

But I'm stuck. I have no where to go to get away from her, no where to stay. No car, no money (because she's taken it all), nothing.

If I continue to appease her then I live a life of nothing. Correction, I continue to live a life of nothing. 

i am a abused victum - dina cantagallo - Jan 29th 2009
i am a very hurt here and i am vict here and i beat grab at and threw over a fence and been yelled at me curse at put charges against me and treat me like a servant ... and he very mean i put charges againest him and he vil 2 restrining orders and went to jail and got out please give me a call 609 680 9434

Moving On - - Jan 25th 2009

As someone who was physically abused by my dad growing up, I have found throughout my adult life that I repeatedly go into one abusive relationship/ situation into the next, even though each time I vow never to do it again.

 Something very powerful works at an unconcious level perhaps to attract, excuse or justify abusive behaviour in others, like I saw my mom excuse such behaviour in my dad.

I am now really trying to move on after my last abusive relationship. I think the key to resisting more abuse is to really know and believe that IT IS NOT OK and YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT.

No matter what abusers try to tell you, you do NOT deserve it.  You are not a bad person no matter what they try to make you believe.  You can find somebody who really LOVES you and understands the pain you have been through, so don't put up with anymore abuse.

Walk away every time you realise abuse is going on.  I know how hard it is but you CAN do it.   Pain and abuse is NOT love, no matter how much you think you love someone.  If they are hurting you, it is not love.  Perhaps it is all you know or all you think you can get.  But that's not true.  You are loveable.  Really loveable.  That's why you are alive.

Love yourself, and love others, but walk away from pain and abuse.  Nobody deserves it.  Definitely not you.

And through the pain and hurt I have found like others here, that something beautiful can come out of our hard and painful experiences.  We can understand others.  We can become stronger.  And we can help others who are hurt.  WE CAN LOVE OTHERS in the ways we wished we were loved. And one day you will find your pain is healed.  Never give up.  I still have a way to go but I'm not ashamed because I'm trying which is better than giving in to abuse.

 Love is stronger than hate. It's true.  Sending LOVE out to you all.

Abused - SandySea - Jan 22nd 2009

I just want to say to everyone who has been abused in their life to NEVER give up!  You may not realize it but you are living for so much more.  It may not seem it because things are going wrong, but there are people out their who love you.  Keep holding on, you will make it through.  If you need to seek help, people will help you.  Whenever I was down I would always listen to "Going through hell" by Rodney Atkins.  It talks about so many bad things happening and times where you want to give up, but you need to keep holding on and you will make it out.   

abuse sucks - nick - Jan 17th 2009

i been abuse but not sexual just fight every day of my life even in my school i get bully and pick on every day of my life i want to die and kill my self but i try my best not to do that so i wanted to kill my bother that did that to me every day he hit me and pull my hair so i did the best thing i kill my self inside its hard to do and hard to say but i took every thing and keep it in me so one day i can get even and figth back and i did it feel so good when i work out and got bigger and meaner i hit my bother so hard now he recpect me and now i cant never love life like i should and to top it off my fater is a drinker and mother to so i dont know what to do i cant just kill them i will go to jail but what ever you do to me i will make sure i do it 10 time worse and i live life like that

been there done that escaped grew and murdered by one kind of abuser or another - a**hole magnet - Jan 14th 2009

   I went to a doctor in nyc in east village tied to hip drugs people downtown. he was recomended to me by my late exboss an abuser of drugs self people etc.

 i had suffered abuse in my life and escaped it . got a rising life. suffered 15 years of medical failures to treat my trauma suffered ptsd as result . then got a good life. that life was  shaken by a sick abuser a black jamaican crack head.

   when i went to this doctor in eastvillage nyc. he said my abuse was my fault. instead of telling me that i would need to stablize from all done to me by this scumbag , as in beating m with two by fours breaking my ankle robbing me of money and damaging my things . and planed to make me mentallyill to  make me go mad commit suicide so he did not have to divorce. i had gotten to my doctor to prevent set back after i escaped him.. or that doctor put it that way. Telling an abused person that its their fault is abuse..   what drughes ondont know. 

I have been physically abused and sexualy - nikki - Jan 14th 2009

nothing easy theres no way that you can keep your self from this or help yourself once its done its done there is nothing you can do. people dont understand how hard it is to be the victim. its hard to continue on and live this life its hard to move on and forget because you never can it haunts you for life you can get as much help as you want but it will never help anything. yeah it may help you get it out but it doesnt mean anything its still there forever. i was sexualy abused and beaten from the age of 5 until 12 years old i didnt no what was right and what was wrong what was i to do at that age? nothing im to young to understand whats going on in life. and when i grew up and started to understand it i had my life threatened and that scared me more then anything so i kept it in for 7 years of my life i put up with this and did nothing and finaly i told someone and they helped me get away its been 4 years now csince i was takin out of my home but im still going through court and having to see my father the person who hurt me. and when you go through court and have to keep telling people what happened it  doesnt help it brings everything back and it makes veerything worse all over again as soon as you think oh my life is normal again it goes back to the way it was because someone asks you something or you see your abuser theres nowway of getting out of these situations no matter what you do you can run and hide but there is nothing that will ever be able to stop these people from abusing others because its what makes them happy and most of the time no one finds out because people are to afraid to tell sdomeone else what is happening to them so they keep it uin and let these people get away with it. but truly if you have been abusedtell someone as soon as possible dont hold it in it will only make your life worse and worse and then yes you most likely will become an abuser yourself. soo please tell someone and atleast get some ofthese people out ofthe world and away from being able to hurt others. and ps not all peopel that have been abused or sexualy abused grow up and become the same way i didnt and im going to hopefully keep it that way i swear if i ever hit a kid i would kill my self so you cannot tell people that most people that have been abused abuse someone there selves because they grew up with that because it is not true at all. i no alot of people that have been abused thaT azre alot older and they have kids and they are more loving towards theyre kids then anyone i no.

People These Days!!! - Cayman - Jan 12th 2009

Ugh...

People Should Seriously JUst grow  up and stop beating other people

i mean its not like they did anything about it either..

grr

to all those people out there who have been abused...

i feeldorry for you

i mean i dont know what its likebut i know so many people who have been Abused....

and its really sad!!

   ~cayman~

what is your problem - amanda - Jan 8th 2009

what is wrong with people these days i mean cant they find a toy to beat instead of children that did nothing wrong!!!? those buttheads have nothing better to do they go party and smoke and drink and they leave the child alone and when they get home they are drunk or high they beat their kids or someone elses kids!?

Never been abused - Kate - Jan 3rd 2009

:( feel bad for those who did

Never been there - janelle - Dec 18th 2008
I have never been abused. but if i a n*gga ever would hit me and i can't beat him, i'll just wait til he goes to sleep. that way he will be to hurt to strike back when he wake up. And then just get out of there. run as fast as you could and call for help

Pain Distorted? - Hakum Cunningham - Dec 12th 2008

Is it easier to work through an abusive relatioship or not?  Take for instance me.  When I was younger my father was a mean man, he and my step mom decided to get married but intead of getting married they arranged for my family and my step brothers and sisters to have relations and have relationships of married people.  I was only 11 years old living in a foreign country.  I still have nightmare about the rapes that included taking many eggs from the ladies and storing the embroys.  My father hiring a hit man to stop the problems and this man turned on all of us.  Our family ended up in the middle of warlike conditions.  If it wasn't for some great samaritans who had conscience we would have been dead.  My sister was taken away from us and set off to find her.  I was then trapped and for awhile I was living with what they called her husbands family.  Some people just have abuse ingrained in them.  But take for instance my bodyguard, he was from an abusive past and now he is a sevant of the true God.  People can change if they want to but for him it took a lot of effort and for which I am grateful!!!  

sad - - Dec 12th 2008

:(

Never been abused sorry to you that have - Nancy - Dec 10th 2008

i have never been abused and i am oh so sorry for thoes that have been and all i can say is tell someone if it is happening to you

I BEEN ABUSE BEFOR!!!! - tom - Dec 9th 2008

 All the poeple who gto abused befor they are just like me ,i gto abused sence i was 4 years old and i got abused sence 13 years old . So for all of you who gto abused i know what it's like !

It's hard holding on. - - Nov 30th 2008

Hello, I have been mentally abuse in my marriage for over 15years. My husband used other people and his self to abuse me everyday. I left him once for to years I was doing well for myself i worked paid my own bills. He seen me with another man and said he wanted to make me and my son happy. We got back together I helped on half of all the bills. Then I got very sick then was having our first child on top of that. After i had the baby, . I got some damage to my spine which left me wereing diapars . He told every one I got worst O could not even walk . I had to get shot in my spine for pain and had my son and a new baby to take of. My son watched him not won't to help that what hurts the most.With all of that and the comments maked to me and everyone else he told bussines to I just want to hide.

I did leave him but he still want to know what goin  on in mylife and does thing and says things thet realy hurt when I won't talk to him .I get mad and argry .I stil fall in to his lies. What can  I do?

my friend hurt me! - - Nov 25th 2008

my best friend used to hurt me. i became so afraid i was NEVER myself. and im only 14 years old. if my friendw who hurt me got me mad i would take it out on my other friends idk how to control my anger anymore. since ive been friends with her i am NEVER myself. i would have sleepovas with my other friends without her and we would have the BEST time ever. but then school comes and my best friend (who slept over) doesnt even know  who i am anymore. i act like that sleepova NEVER happen. im so afraid to stand up for myself now. i cant say no to her or anything! im terrified. but i did the best thing that i have ever did...i stopped being her friend. now im able to be myself, hang out with my friends without her, say no and stand up for myself and my friends without being scared. i give thanks to all my best friends who helped me get through the pain and how they helped me stop being scared. friends are all i have. i love you guys!!!

ready to leave, but how? - Diane - Nov 20th 2008

I just found this space & feel better that I can relate to other people that have been abused, left & survived better than before. I have been with this man for over 20 yrs., with 2 kids, 1 is almost 21, the other is almost 11. I want to leave and I can see how I have changed, he has always got to be in control, I cannot go out with friends or my mom. My problem is with my 11 yr old son. I called the police out & they told me basically we both have custody and fight it out in court...so I did not leave...mentally I am finally ready but I am scared because he is such a good con-artist with everyone it's amazing.    

im proud of those who got out of their abusive situation - - Nov 11th 2008

im so proud of those who got out. u were able to build up courage and stand up for urself.  no matter wat anyone says u guys are heros becuz u are here today and speaking out and telling ur story. these stories r so inspiring. idk if u know it bu they are helping others realize that they need help. so thank you for speaking out. u sure r helping me. im 16 and im going to get help.

THANK YOU - Zach - Nov 5th 2008

Thank you so much for this its been a real help for my 4 paige essay thanks so much!!!!

it hurts - - Oct 27th 2008

i was in an emotional abusivve relationship with a nfl player for 4years in college..and even a year and a half later i still havent gotten over the effects of it..its like he stole every piece of me and ill never be the same...he lied, cheated..mauliplated me and used me and he doesnt even care...so much happend in the relationship thats is confusing to even start from square one...but the part i remember clearly was when he stopped talking to me for 3months for no reason..he said he didn't want to hear from me...he missed my bday hes response..what difference does it make....when he broke up with me..he said he didn't want me anymore..he will never want me and he doesnt no why he came back...he was just physically attracted to me and he liked to see me naked but that is all..he told me to get over it and that will never be together...i saw him a few months ago..and he said he was sorry for what he did and he apperciated me and was sthankful for everything i did , and i neverr did anything to him...because i didnt sleep with him...he said we can never be friends..and he has nothing left to say to him...this was the same guy i went through hell for at college...i stook by him through everything....two years into the relationship he said he had a girlfriend from home and he chooses her he has no to break up with her im extra on the side..ive been through alot and im not sure if i can ever get over it...he would ingore me for days just to prove what it was like if he didn't care....he would ask girls to send him naked pictures of themselves.....he just lied...and i was always honest to him..i tried so hard to make it work...and at the end of the day he raped me of my self esteem...its like he won

Abusive Relationship - - Oct 26th 2008

I just got out of an abusive relationship with a man that had a drug problem.  I also think he might have been a sociopath.  He acted like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde.   He could be the sweetest man sometimes and other times turn into a monster.  He calling me the most awful things and made many threats.  He was abused by his mother as a child and always used that as an excuse.  But I don't think there is any excuse for treating another human being the way he treated me.  The worst part is....he never admits his behavior and always twists my words and turns it around on me.  He always blames me.  But then again.....that's what drug addicts do.  I felt sorry for him for almost 4 years....but now I'm dead inside.   He has drained me financially, mentally, and emotionally.  I just pray that he finally leaves me alone now.

why abuse? - mary - Oct 24th 2008

i dont know why people like to abuse they are so pathetic and dum in the head.

thank you - - Oct 8th 2008

this was very useful to my project. thank you for puplishing this information. have a good day :)

lessons learned... - Kristin Mckay - Oct 8th 2008

it cant be argued that vast numbers of people that are abused become abusive. There are, however, vast numbers of abused people who do not. It is unfortunate for those who have serious mental issues, possibly because of abuse, but most peolpe have a chioce....

there were two brothers who grew up in home with a terribly abusive father. the father was an addict. He drank, did drugs, and alway spent the money that should have been available for the family. He beat his wife and emotionally abused his two boys on a daily basis as well. One day the father past away and the family was relieved of all the abuse.

years down the road, one of the brother was found living the same life as his father did. The other brother was a predominant lawyer in their large home city.

If you asked the first brother why he lived the life that he did, he would say " my father was this way. I just learned it from him. It's all his fault; the as*h***"

But you could ask the second brother how he became so successful when his father was so trerrible and his brother was too. He would say "I didn't want to be that way. I wanted a better life for myself and the people around me. I learned from the way that my father made me feel that he was sick. I am not. He had a problem, and I feel sorry that he couldn't enjoy his life as I do."....

I'm no brainiac, but I personally feel that people can make what they want of almost any situation. Not to say that in it would be easy in those situations; some of them i've been there. But there is chioce. Thank you.

Are people who have been abused more likely to abuse? - - Sep 6th 2008

Are people who have been abused more likely to commit abuse?  What are your thoughts on this?

 

he is so horrible 2 me - - Aug 28th 2008

im onlii 18 nd ive been with my bf 3 years he is so horrible 2 me though n i cnt cope nemur but i cnt leve im because stupid as it sounds i wna b with im e calls me fat n e neva wants 2 see me he dusn ansa the fne 2 me eva i dnt no his family e shouts at me until i start cryin then tells me 2 go n sort myself out and tht thers sumthing wrong with me so im alone wen im upset but then e can b rele nice n tell me tht e loves me but its like ees a differnt peson wen ees aangry this dusnt sound bad readin it but it rele is.

abuse - nicole - Aug 28th 2008

I feel that some time I think there is no hope for us, my guy and I butt I also think that I need to help him see what he is doing we have a baby and I want things to be right with us I feel that most people feel that thy can make it stop and get better and I want it to....... 

because they feel insecure - Sas - Aug 4th 2008

I think people abuse others because they feel insecure,or abused themselves.....

in regards to first comment at the bottom - - Jul 18th 2008
i agree with you that there is no reasonable excuse for abuse. however i have to disagree with what you said about people who don't abuse because they are angry. i have grown up with abuse and because of that i have a hard time controllin my temper. you should have seen the number of times that i was close to hitting someone only because i was pissed. so yeah people are capable of abusing just because they are pissed. i am and i'm only 16. i am going into therapy though. i don't want to be a threat to those i love.

i dont feel the same!!!! - annonamous - Jul 16th 2008

i realy love mi family heapz esspecially mi mum im 11 and go 2 mi dads in the weekend and am at mumz during the week mi dad does not very nice or good thingz so ive heard from mi mum i dont realy love him becase mi other side of mi family have been hurt bi him in a way mi 18 year old brother michael tunin 19 in 2 months had been taken 2 japan from his dad didnt come bak 4 mre than a year any way when he was gettin piked up from his dad mi dad was pikin me up he stole a bunch of michaels cds and games but he doesnt play or listen 2 them hes returned them now but mi sister has stolen a mp3 cord that connectz 2 a radio in a letter box i told dad he said who cares? he steals he lies and smokes cannibass help me please i want mum 2 have full custody even though i c her mre than him he says he dosent like reachin owt the window 2 smoke id rather live withowt him than die from breathing in poisons!!!!!!!!  help please!

To whom it May Concern: - Amy Hoover - Jul 15th 2008

I am a Military wife, Doesn't that say it all right there? Not that all Military Men are bad, but majority seem to get fustrated, uncontrollable, and very Angry. And seem to take it out on us wives. Thats where I come in. I have been taking Abuse too long that its now at the point where I am Stuck. When I pick up all the courage in my little body, he ALWAYS has a way to break me down!! If only us women could be a lot stronger. I do believe we do need to go to the Lord for strength and guidance!!!

does lexapro make you pee the bed? - james - Jun 29th 2008

hey ive been on lexapro for a year and when i get drunk i piss the bed in my sleep is that normal????

women child, husband abuser - - Jun 7th 2008

l was abused has a child growing up, just the thought of hearing friends abuse there children makes me want to hurt them am now 47 years of age I know not to hurt them. A friend of mine from the past 23 years ago came back into my life. She abused my niece to the extent that she is border line mental retard. I saw this women throw her 2 year old daughter against the cement wall. I was young then in my teen years l fought with her until the police arrived. nothing was done. This women had another 4 more kids, her youngest is 17 and her oldest is 25 years of age still with her hubby. Her hubby did not know about the abuse (blind love) he worked 14 or more hours a day believed in her words reason on why the kids have marks on there tiny little bodies. His son's girlfriend approached him saying that he son has scares at the private area. When he heard that he cried could not believe what he heard, She also has sex with alot of other men. Her 18 year old is suiside now. She hates her mother, the father is gathering information on the abuse to him and his kids. He still does love her though, am helping him and telling him the truth about the law cause everything he wanted to do in life she would say he would have to pay for it so he never went for help. He does no it is out there now threw his doctor free counciling. He is going for a Divorce now. he is hoping the kids will speak out and let the secret out. Hope everything works out for him, he is a kind human and loves his kids...l never seen a grown man cry like the day l saw him, l held him and looked deep in his eyes, the pain and darkness, sadness he has.

abused men - - May 28th 2008
I agree with the previous comment that it must be hard to be a man and admit he is abused, as this is hard for both men and women. However, i do not agree that men always loose their money, in alot of cases, yes. But you can not jugde all women as the same. some women stop access to their children and can be bitches through the divorce, as can men. Everyone is different and i have not judged all men by what i saw from my father when i was growing up, you should not judge all women. thankyou

husbands being abuse - - May 24th 2008

Everyone talks about girls being abuse,But how about men being abuse by women!Women have the law on thier side,they use thier kids against them.If you try to leave they make you look bad for leaving your wife and kids in the eyes of the court.A man loses either way they go!!!!!!!!!If people only knew how hard it is for a man to tell people that thier abuse by thier wife.If they fight back they will lose everything,thier kids,thier pride as a man,plus thier money!!!!!! thanks for listing

Abuse Advice From Me - - May 14th 2008

I have been reading all these articles about women being abused. I can see it is very hard to get away from someone that abuses you because you love them, but you shouldnt put up with it. There are many ways to get help. Tell someone. Talk about it. Just get away from the abuser, because if you dont things will only get worse. Its not safe or healthy to be with anyone or close to anyone who abuses you. And if the abuser says they will change, just give them once chance, if they dont go through with it, then its really time to get away from them. I hope I have helped.

NO ONE SHOULD BE ABUSED!


recognizing an abuser - - May 14th 2008

I am 31 years of age and have four children. I have been in an abusive relationship for four years now and I am ready to get out. It seems to be the hardest thing to do. I really wish my husband could get help but he can not be help unless he realize tha he has a problem. He does not discriminate on who he is going to abuse it is from me to the kids. He often picks on my 13 year old son and my eleven year old daughter hates him. I have two kids from him and he constantly says they are not his we have even had a paternity test done for our daughter and he says I tampered with the results. I think he has a mental problem. i should have reconized these signs from the beginning when he would accuse me of doing things I know I have not done he would always tell me that someone told him something about me. He constantly calls me a liar. If he does not have money he will be so nice because he need me but the minute he get on his feet I have to beg for money. If I don't beg I have to be as nice as possibe making sure he does not get upset before it time for me to receive the money if I make the slightest mistake I could not get. He know that I am independent and always find a way to get it done but that eventually takes a toll on you. I have got to the point now I will let things get turned off because he has to have some where to live as well as I do. I can not explain what causes this man to be this way but he can not love anyone because he does not know how. Every time something goes wrong it is my fault he is to coward to admit his wrong doing. It is sad that the abuser does not ever feel the pain he/she is causing others. I pray to God he change for his sakes not for me. I do not think I would ever want to be with him again because I will always be waiting on him to explode.

true true - torie - May 12th 2008
i think that this is so true i am a survivor of child abuse i survived it for 7 years it does mess you up but if you know how to handle sistuations you can overcome it i know that you might feel as what you are going through is so hard right now but life is a test it shows you how much you can handle everyday everyone goes through something but dont let one little thing tear you down from standing up with your hand held high do what you thin is right if you are being abused in anway then you have to tell somebody and dont us the excuss i love that person no the hell you dont you love the thought of them and they like what they can get out of you dont settle for anything lesser than what you have too everyone in this world is meant something you were put on this earth for something to happen and dont let anyone tell you different

help - carly - May 8th 2008

my mom and dad fight all the time. i belive my dad has anger managment problems. he goes from hot to cold in one second. right now my mom and dad are yelling at each other over the phone. i have a friend who is a child of divorce. her parents divorced when she was 4. i think she is lucky.

there is a thing called unconditinal love. i love my mom, brother, grandma, aunt, step-grandpa, and etc. But i do not love my dad

my dad doesn't just hit me and my brother he throws us against walls and kicks us and smacks us. one time my dad through my brothers magizine at him. my brother was eating a beagle and cream chesse got all over his magizine. my brother got mad and through it. my dad came up from behind him and through him against the wall. he broke the plate and made my brother clean everything up. I know that it was wrong of my brother to through the magizine but i cant belive my dad did that.

Mr - Carl - May 6th 2008

For those who are being abuse, I wish I can marry you than take you away from you sibblings.   However since I can you can get married to a person who doesn't control.  The best thing I can sjuggest is be good to your neighbor and Christ will show you away out.  Don't hate, but just be happy that you are not the brother or sister who is doing the abuse.  It is just a tip, Be nice to your neighbor and maybe that is your way out.  Prayer is good but Christ did the suffering already,  Do volunteer work help others and Christ will be ther for you.  Another thing is commit your self to AA meeting and an NA  meeting and there you can fellow ship.  That is helping other.   Please it is something and God, you dad and neighbors or in the meetings. We some one to talked to and you are that one.  Committing to service, such making the coffee for an meeting once a weed for a year.  Will open your eye to the world.  And you can say good by to your family and say hello to the new world. Meetings are group therapy: a self help group if you world.  The devil has the world believing in the stigma attack to attending a self help group, AA meetings or NA meetings.   The main things is Listen and pay attention.  People will love you like you never been love before. 

I read all this stuff an it is crazy - Brittany - May 2nd 2008
i dont think this should happen to anyone i was never abused but i have friends that got abused an still they are gettin abused i wanna tell some one but she asked me not to but ya i think that stuff i read is crazy

ABUSE=POWER - - Apr 29th 2008
I have seen people go through abuse and i honestly think from an outsiders veiw is that its all about power. The guy who did this to my friend, he had no control over his life it was falling apart yet he felt the need to hurt her so much. He would be blatent and i think that just gave him a buzz from doing it. Keeping all of this world a dirty little secret. It's wrong no matter what case it is. But i also think it can be helpped domestic abuse, it goes both ways i hate it when its always focused on men when i have seen women do it too. Its not as public but it does happen. Abuse from parents is just there anger from there fuck up lives. I just know one thing is that anyone who is abused its not there fault because its either the person who needs to feel power or just some need for revenge. ABUSE=POWER ... When they need to feel some sort of self use, some sort of self worth to where they think that they are better than some one and can control them at any point its all a game for them, to see if they can get onto another level. To push there limits see how far they ca go its a test of strenght for them and a power rush. ABUSE=POWER .... That is just my view

someone's listening - Jon - Apr 21st 2008
I agree with you Anger Management

hand-picked for abuse - darrell hunt - Apr 16th 2008

does anyone know why a mother would single out one specific child for abuse and encourage his other siblings to do the same.  My earliest memories of childhood involve horrendous verble and physical abuse as well as neglect.  At age five my mother would let me wonder aimlessly into nearby fields with children resulting sometimes resulting in injuries that required medical attention, then would act like a concerned parent. she would often encourage my brother and sister to call me names like pee-bag when I would wet the bed at age five. this really hurt my self-esteam. I cant quite believe how cold and cruel she has been through-out the years. when i'm not available for abuse she will target my father verbally and he is a kind and decent man.  she has ailenated me from the rest of the family but paints herself as a saint to others.  Iam forty now and recently called to tell her that i love her and she told me she did'nt believe it. she will NEVER hear those words again.  DRH

love - - Apr 15th 2008

At first I felt sorry for my brothers babymamma because he beats her and she say shes going to leave him because she dont want her son turning out like that and because she thinks he be having nightmares about it because he cries in his sleep and hes only 1 years old, but every time I turn around she still with my brother, she says its love and you cant just leave some1 you love just like that. I think he cant love her that much if he beats her, but i got 2 give it to her at least she fights back.

strong - - Apr 8th 2008

i think all of yall who told storys are strong

u don't realize something - stephanie - Apr 2nd 2008

ok, i read the first 3 or 4 articles and what you people don't realize about telling someone about being abused is that when ur a kid your scared.i was abused from the ages 4-7 i tried to tell someone and it came back to bite me in the rear end! the person i told called my mom and told her what i said and she beat the crud out of me that night and denied it and they said "ok sorry for intruding."

so i'm sorry but it's not as easy as just walking out. what if you don't have family or you have absolutely know where to go??

i felt i needed to say that because you make it sound so easy and it hurts because it's not and i wish it wasa cause i was scared out of my mind!

sorry,

stephanie 

What can of mental disorder is this? - - Mar 19th 2008

it is nine of us and we were beaten with any thing my mother could get her hands on.

My sisters were beaten with electrical cords until the wire penerated the skin, we had to pick  the wires from our skin,  another sister had a boiling pot of coffee poured on her back as she waked in the kitchen, no reason, I was beaten in the head with a hammer because I could not hold the flash light the way she wanted it . my brother was beaten for buying a friend a bottle of milk for her baby. One sister was pulling at a loose thread from a chair and my mother saw it went into our bedroom and turned ber bed over took out a bed slat and carved a handle into it then call my sister into the room and began to beat her in the head and face for about and hour. And it goes on and on...  We were blind folded and told she would shoot one of us at a time until we told her who took the num form the radio, she hit a pan to make us this she was shooting the other. Locked out doors naked. made to stand in a tub of hot water becasuse our house cleaning did not pass her inspection...

What type of mental disorder is this? 

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