I’ve always thought I was a normal person, but the more I grow older, the more I begin to think that maybe I’m not. I’m not by any means old though, I’m 21, and constantly think of doing extreme acts of violence against everybody I see and ever meet. I haven’t acted any out, so far they live in my mind and I plan on keeping them there as long as I can. I currently work nights cleaning a supermarket by myself as I feel that’s probably best for everyone, but I think that soon there won’t be anywhere left for me to go. Is this all part of the "growing-up" process, do I need to live with this until it just goes away? Is it normal to have complete conversations with yourself? I do so, it seems to calm me down and I always assumed that’s what everybody did because that’s what my father did, until it was pointed out to me that it isn’t normal at all. I know this, yet I don’t feel angry, sad, or even depressed. These are things I’d like to bring up to a professional face to face. I’ve sought help in the past but found almost none and the little I have found is no use because I cant afford any of the costly by-the-hour counseling sessions, I really don’t make a lot of money and with no money it feels like I wont even be considered. I only see two choices so far, to do myself in or to do something dramatic to force the government to help me. Is there a number I can call or some kind of government institution that helps cases like mine? Or am I just doomed?
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In no way do I believe that you are doomed. I will provide you with some information that you can use to find mental help for your self. In making the calls, tell them your financial situation and your need for psychiatric treatment.
Let me just say that, in my opinion, your need for treatment is urgent. Also, I suspect that you have a strong need for medication to help you feel less depressed and angry.
I am concerned about the anger that you mention because you get close to violence and even fear that you could become violent. While working at night might be a temporary solution, isolating yourself from the world can make you feel worse, in the end, at least, that is my opinion.
What you are experiencing is not a normal part of the growing up experience. That is why it is essential that you receive the type of help that will allow you to live a fulfilling life.
It is possible that you suffer from either Major Depression or Bipolar Disorder with the emphasis on Major Depression. Whatever the diagnosis may be the fact is that you are describing a serious situation.
I do not know what state you live in but here are some suggestions:
1. Your State: Mental health Services—–call information. Each state has such an office.
2. Suicide Hot line: 1-800-273-8255 Ask them where you can find help and tell them about your anger.
3. National Mental Health Association: 1-800-969-6642
4. Go to the following URL and look for their Locator area:
5. You could actually go to the emergency room of your local hospital, tell them your symptoms and ask for help.
6. See your medical doctor and ask for help or a referral.
7. If you have health insurance through your job, call the insurance company and ask them for a referral.
Act quickly and go for help. There is not need for you to do anything rash to get attention as there is plenty of help out there.
Best of Luck