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All Torn

Question:

My wife of 15 years has recently become involved in a bisexual relationship. She is obsessed and in love with a female companion, but has been open with me about the entire affair. I am trying to cope with this, because for reasons I can’t go into her relationship will end in the foreseeable future. She wants to work this out between all of us, and she wants me to be happy. I can’t understand how she can love both me and her lover. I don’t want to leave her because I still an in love with her but this is tearing me up. I see how happy she is now and know that she would always blame me if I demanded she end it, or worse, that she would choose to leave me. Suggestions please?

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Answer:

The question of your wife’s sexuality is irrelevant here as far as I can see – It matters little who (or what!) her affair is with. It is an affair and as such it is disrupting your marriage. You say that you can’t leave because you are still in love with her. I’m not counseling you to leave but I am wondering if your loving her also means that she has permission to do what ever she wants even if it harms you. Love doesn’t mean that. Fear of being alone means that. Even if this affair breaks up and she stays with you will you be happy? How can you trust that she won’t serve up a repeat performance. I think you need to assert yourself more (Note I said “assert” and not “aggress”) if you want to preserve any quality in your marriage.

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