Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Ad Info & Options

Am I Over Thinking This, Or Am I Right?

Question:

So, I’ve been dating my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) for 2 years. The first few months we were inseparable and constantly on top of one another. We were constantly making out for hours of passionate, crazy sex. The first time we made love, my cherry popped. It hurt and I bled for the very first time in my life. When we first had sex it was PAINFUL!!!! My insides were opening but I didn’t want to kill the mood so I moaned loudly and kept looking into his eyes for comfort.

About 8 months into the relationship, we not only stopped having sex but we argued EVERYDAY for MONTHS. We stayed together and tried to work things out. I have a mental illness (BPD with Depression) and I knew our love was true if he was still willing to stay. We’d break up and get back together constantly. We NEVER got intimate again,  EVER! I’d take my clothes off and he’d put them back on my body like we were not supposed to have sex.

After 2 years, things seemed okay. We were still arguing everyday and I got fed up. We argued one morning over pizza that I claimed I wanted then didn’t and I said,  It’s over.”

The biggest mistake of my life is letting the man I love and care about sooo much go. The next morning I checked his phone just to make sure I was the only woman in his life. He was texting a woman who lives nearby on the day of our 2nd anniversary. He called her “sexy” and texted her things such as, “Make sure you’re wearing that sexy black thong I like,” and “be there in 20 minutes,” but nothing hard core.

This woman is in her 30’s, a mom who still lives with her mom and looks completely hideous. She’s slept with every man in my neighborhood and I’m serious! He’s said it, all his friends have said it, her best friend says it. He swears that it was “just a joke.”.

Why wouldn’t he make love to me on our 2nd anniversary? He doesn’t think he’s wrong or thinks it’s infidelity. I’m trying to get back with him.

Am I wrong or maybe he just won admit that hes wrong. To me, that’s infidelity. PLEASE HELP!!!!

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:

First, I must point out the obvious to you in stating that this was a very stormy relationship. Constant arguing, breaking up and getting back together only to break up again is not healthy for anyone involved.

Second, I cannot detect an issue of right or wrong here and, in fact, when couples argue like the two of you, there rarely is a right or wrong issue. The question you should ask yourself, “Is this the right relationship for me?” In my opinion, and it’s just my opinion, he is not the right man for you and that is why you told him that the relationship is over.

Look, ending a relationship is difficult for everyone. It is normal to ask yourself if you should have ended things and if you did the right thing. It is also easy to remember the beginning of a relationship when things are filled with love and passion. However, love and passion are not enough to sustain an intimate relationship.

In my mind, it makes sense to move on in your life, cut your losses with him and, when you are ready, look for a healthier relationship. You know, being together does not mean constant fighting. A good and healthy relationship means trust, warmth, sex, passion, love and liking the other. Yes, people sometimes fight but that is supposed to be rare and only over a major decision.

What I also want to advise you about is your need for psychotherapy to help you learn more about healthy relating and to help you reduce your anxiety, depression and anger.

As for him, I suggest that you mourn the end of that connection and move on to a happier time.

Best of Luck

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

Comments
  • Zach

    I just came out of a similar situation, my girlfriend and I have been breaking up and getting back together over years. We fought alot but usually resolved issues. This last time we were together she told me she wanted to marry me and have my child which I was very happy about. Well about this time she said she had left to go up to her parents house which I find out later that she had lied to me to be with someone else. This crushed my soul so bad I thought I couldn't go on living, I had thought about firing a bullet into my head but I thought twice about everyone else who loves me. I did talk with her about this and I wont be with her again in a romantic way, I can still love her though but as a friend and that is healthier. Dr. Schwartz is very right about breaking up constatly and getting back together, if it's not going to work then it's not going to work, we just have to accept that and move on. I'm recovering now since I was able to be friends with her still it's much healthier this way and I know there are other people out there who would be alot better for you and me both. So don't think too much about what happened with that, it's better to do what is right for yourself and move on. I know I feel alot better now I put all of that behind me and moved on.

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand