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Angry At Ex-Boyfriend

Question:

After months of deterioration, I just ended a 3 year relationship with the love of my life. He was slowly blowing me off and finding reasons not to be with me, then we took a “break” and then, I couldn’t take his indifference any longer so I ended it. He began dating a friend of mine immediately after, and I have since learned that it was probably already going on before I broke up with him. It has been hard and sad, just a few months ago we were looking at houses together. I am having trouble dealing with my anger and confusion. There’s really never been a real explanation for his change of heart, I feel cheated, yet he still refers to me as his “best friend.” I am constantly plagued by things I want to say to him, things I wish to scream at him and his new “friend.” I want to get past this, I am avoiding them at all costs, yet I feel my anger is so unrevolved. I have a feeling part of my anger is at myself, for not realizing sooner that he wasn’t who I thought he was. I’m questioning whether I need to seek counseling, as sometimes it is difficult to think of anything else. When I work, or do things with friends I am fine, but then once alone, all I can think about is how angry I still am, how I wish he could just show a little remorse, and how to find a way to forgive him, even though I don’t really think he cares if I do, I feel maybe if I find a way to forgive, I can move on. We live very close to each other and have many mutual friends who are now having to socialize with us seperately.

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

You are grieving, and can expect to continue to grieve for some time. Unlike a simple death situation where it is clear that a loved one had no choice to leave you, you have been rejected and the reasons for his rejection are personal. You are also suffering from not knowing why you have been rejected, as well as from feeling betrayed by your selfish friend who has taken up with him. There is betrayal all around. The cherry on top of this “sundae of humiliation” is that he was a coward about the whole thing too – he wasn’t man (or woman) enough to simply end things when he wanted to. He had to push you to do it for him. All in all, you’ve been dealt quite a series of blows – you’ve lost the man you loved, a friend you cared for, a future you had invested in, and other people you socialize with feel sorry for you. You can’t feel good right now. You have to recover from this wound first, and this will take some time like a bunch of months at least. You can’t force the grieving process to go any faster than it will go, but counseling can help quite a bit while you’re in the middle of it.

<

p> Now – there is a positive side here too, and that is that you are rid of a man who was not good for you. As you grow out of your grief you will see the truth of this more and more. It is probably a better thing that things ended now, even as they have, because you will have the opportunity to learn what didn’t work, and to correct for it as you go on with your life and relationship choices. One mistake to look out for as you go forward is to overcompensate for being betrayed in the past by becoming too frightened to trust again. Look out for that and try to resist that tendency if you find yourself starting to do that. If you are closed off to new experience when opportunity again knocks you will miss out on that opportunity.

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Comments
  • Julissa

    Wow, i am amazed on the similarities of the story displayed here, and then the response that Anne gives, suits perfectly to the guy in my own story. Lack of honesty, lack of guts to face things on time.

    I went thru the same, if you allow me to say....I have been there, going thru a lot of intimates moments frustated by a bunch of fantasies going on in my exboyfriend's head. He wanted to date more women....so after three years together pushes me to end the relationship because he does not give in, he is not willing to commit, and so on . I have been in therapy, I have read as much as I can to help myself, I have socialized more, and what i think that has helped more is the healing that comes from my faith in God, honestly.

    God heals, time heals. Despite that it is not so long ago that we broke up, I had many mournings during our relationship because he kept a behavioural pattern, when we were together was amazing, after a beautiful weekend followed by two three days after he had changed his mind and showed himself unsure...this was his pattern for three years. Just awful. I am glad is over and I will slowly recover.

  • Rose

    My situation was different but I am struggling with anger because the guy in my situation also left things in an unresolved way for me.

    The silly thing is, when I first met this guy, I wasn't at all attracted to him, in fact, my friends and I were convinced he was gay and were surprised to learn he had girlfriends. Initially I thought he was a nice person, seemed wholesome somehow, intelligent, stable working in a good job type - the type who I generally never get attracted to because they would probably be good for me... ha ha

    I was mates with this guy for a year and watched him dating and dumping various women after a number of months. During this time, something was happening between us where he would just start giving me really big 'hello and goodbye' hugs. I enjoyed them because they made me feel bonded to him as a friend. Occasionally I felt the hugs were becoming flirty because they started being full bodies pressing together type ones, but I was sure I didn't really find him attractive that way - I guessed he found me attractive but he was always dating some other woman so there was never any reason for any more to happen.

    Then one night I was at a party with him and his girlfriend of about 4 months and it was getting late and his girlfriend wanted to leave, so he asked me to walk her back to his place so she could go to bed, and then he told her he wanted to go back to the party for a bit longer (it was only a few houses away from where he lived). She accepted this and we wandered back. I wasn't thinking about anything except that I needed to sober up a little more so I could drive home so when we got back to the party I went into another room and lay on the sofa.

    Not long after he follows me in and sits on the sofa with me and starts rubbing my back. This is clearly flirting and in hindsight I guess I should have stopped what happened next but I was too curious about where our 'friendship' was leading after knowing him for over a year. I naiively thought perhaps he found me attractive the whole time and and had been waiting for me to respond enough to his flirtations to start something with me. Because we had known each other for a year, I expected it was a safe place for feelings to develop since we'd been mates and were slowly becoming closer with these hugs. I still wasn't sure that I found him all that attractive to be honest but I felt there was some love in his hugs and I liked that.

    Anyway, we ended up kissing on this sofa, and then he had a moment of guilt and confusion 'I really like you, but I love her...' and rubs his head. I felt guilty too because I allowed him to do the wrong thing, but he had clearly set out to do it and he was the one with the girlfriend, so I figured he was more guilty.

    Anyway, a couple of weeks passed because he went away for work (probably kissing other girls there too), and eventually he broke up with that girl after about 6 months. (Later he told me that they had talked about buying a house together even). I don't believe their break-up was directly related to what happened between him and I because it was a one-off thing, and his girlfriend (who I was kind of friends with) also confided in me when their relationship was ending that she felt that he was an 'emotional retard' because he couldn't talk about feelings, and also that when they had sex, it felt to her as if he were just masturbating himself inside her and not connecting with her emotionally.

    At that stage I couldn't see that about him, he seemed very warm and loving when he hugged me - I imagined he'd be a beautiful lover.

    Well, after they broke up, he was wanting her back but she never wanted to see him again so he was whinging to me once about how he was hurting that she was gone. I wanted them to get back together as well because now that he was single, I wasn't sure what was going to happen between us and I wasn't sure I liked him enough to start something with him.

    Anyway, one night we did the inevitable and ended up in bed together. I didn't actually enjoy the sex particularly but it was something we had both been curious about. Strangely though, I noticed expectations creeping in regarding him, which I didn't really get. I wasn't all that attracted to him, he seemed to always be around but didn't want a relationship with me, but once the sex had happened, things started to feel different.

    I went overseas for 3 months and had been in his bed the night before I left. He made it clear that we were not a couple so 'go on and be free'. That suited me as well because I didn't know what adventures my travels would bring.

    We kept in touch while I was away. I found it awkward talking to him on the phone somehow. I preferred it when we could hug. One of my friends told me he'd been saying he was looking forward to me coming back so I could share his bed again.

    About 2 weeks before I was due back, he told me he'd met someone. I was happy for him, I'd also kissed other boys while I was away. It had been arranged that I would be staying at his place for a few days on my return but he made it clear that I would be getting a mattress in the living room since he was dating this other girl. I was fine about that.

    When I got there, he had set up a mattress at the foot of his bed instead of in the living room, which I thought was strange. He talked a lot about this girl he was dating and how cool he thought she was. But on the first night, after the lights had gone out and I was lying on the mattress, he asked me if I would come into his bed for cuddles. I wanted to cuddle him and once again figured he knew what he was doing because once again, I was the single one and he was the one dating another woman. Apparently this woman didn't want anything serious but he really liked her I think. Anyway, I was in bed with him, cuddling, then I felt like kissing him, since we had done before I left, but he wouldn't kiss me, eventhough he was lying next to me with a hard-on. I got rather frustrated with him but he said 'I can't kiss you, I really like this other girl'.... 'For God's sake! Why did you invite me into your bed?!' And then he did something unimaginable. He masturbated himself next to me, and got out of bed! There I was, all frustrated, and he does that. It was very confusing.

    Anyway, this rubbish went on for a couple of days before I flew to another city (home to visit my parents) where I was only going to be for 3 weeks but ended up staying for 6 months because I think I wanted to avoid him. Everytime we spoke on the phone or messenger, I would feel upset afterwards. I wanted to be his friend, I really cared about him, but I couldn't understand why he was treating me the was he did. At one point I told him I didn't want to talk for a couple of months until I moved back because it was upsetting me. He respected that.

    Finally the day I was flying back, 6 months later, he just happened to be arriving in the airport at the same time returning from a business trip. What a coincidence... He raced up and kissed me like an excited puppy. I felt wary of him but was slowly warming to him again, I thought things might work out somehow between us.

    I somehow expected him to want to talk about what had gone on between us because I still needed to clarify what we were to one another. I realized that I had expectations of him more than you would of just a friend - it was the sex that did it.

    He was single again now too. I did however also feel like I had unfinished business with another guy who I'd met just before leaving 6 months earlier so I also wasn't sure a relationship would work.

    We ended up hanging out a bit, and he had just bought a house, and I was looking for somewhere to live, and momentarily he suggested a room in his house, but as soon as I showed interest, he back out of it, which really irritated me because I was hoping he would help me if I needed accommodation.

    We ended up in bed together one night but I didn't want to have sex with him after the last time because I felt he might just use me, so we ended up kissing all night, which was much nicer than I had anticipated. I think I fell a bit in love... Kissing and hugging can do it, right? I trusted him, and I didn't trust him at the same time. It was confusing. Anyway, he told me he wanted to 'f my brains out' which was all the more reason why I wasn't going to let him. I wanted to know if these loving hugs and kisses had any basis other than him trying to get to second base again (we had only actually had sex two times a whole year before this and the other times were kissing or just hugging because one of us was holding back) - Geez, this is painful, isn't it? Sorry...

    Anyway, point was, when I wanted to move into his spare room (the ploy for me was to get closer to him I guess), he freaked out and told him it would do his head in if he lived with me and that we would just keep ending up in bed together... 'You don't just put two lovers in a house together like that..' was something he mumbled.

    I got the most upset with him that I had ever been and couldn't talk to him for a few days. I ignored his calls and didn't stop to talk to him when I saw him in the street, which he was also shocked about I think.

    Then on about the 4th day, I calmed down a bit and thought we should try to make up because I didn't want to lose the friendship. But he was ignoring my calls.

    I went to a concert where I knew I would find him, and when I saw him I ran up and gave him a big hug to try and make up with him, but his body language was much more closed that it had ever been.

    Oh, I have to insert in here that during that 4 days, because I was so angry with him, I decided to look up that other guy who I felt there was 'unfinished business' with and I knew we found each other a bit attractive, but he was also planning on going overseas and wasn't interested in a relationship. I did end up kissing him that night though, mostly because I was angry at this first guy, which is unfair I know and I admitted to this guy that I was doing that too because I felt bad.

    Anyway, back to the concert with my trying to hug him and he tells me that he 'got a shag' the night before and in fact the woman was somewhere at this concert. He also referred to her as a 'hot mamma' which I was appalled at. Does he think every woman is just a vessel for his sexual needs?

    Anyway, I wasn't all that surprised or jealous - it was somehow familiar to be in this 'other woman' position with him, but by this stage I decided I did actually have feelings for him so it couldn't go on like it had been. I tried to tell him that I really care for him, and he was mumbling, 'Oh, it must be our level of intimacy' as if it were a problem that I was starting to actually like him.

    Then he said something else which really shocked me. 'I really like this woman - you have to keep your sexual energies away from me and stop tempting me'...

    As if it was me who was doing something wrong! What?!

    Well, this story doesn't get any better except that was three months ago and I've been trying to deal with my anger towards him ever since.

    I saw him at a party the other week and he came to hug me saying 'that's all you get' as he pulled away quicker than usual. And then he went on to tell me that this woman's kids probably hate him. I lectured him about how kids can get attached to the men in their mother's lives and that he should be a bit careful, and he just said 'I don't care, I won't be the one who will have to explain it to them when I'm gone'...

    He had invited me to a party the following week and I had thought about going but the night before I sent him a text telling him I was disgusted at the way he spoke about his current girlfriend.

    He never replied of course.

    A few days later I told him I also don't want to see him because I think about kissing him too much and it's too hard.

    No reply.

    Then the last time I ran into him at a party, it was awkward between us and the next morning I found myself crying about it (again). So I sent him a text to tell him how he's hurt me.

    No reply.

    And now I'm thinking of moving to another suburb just to be far away again because I'm finding my anger hard to deal with.

    Don't say anything, I need counselling, don't I?... I know.

    But I feel better getting that off my chest at least :)

    Are we both just commitment phobic retards?

  • Want_Adonis

    So a lot of us have gone through it... wow... i was dating this guy and his parents came over to visit us because we were talking about marriage... and i was completely madly attracted to him. Anyways.... his mom ended up behaving very bad and insulting my parents and then we had a serious talk about it and didnt see each other ever again.

    We kept a bit in touch online, and then he started contacting me through pseudo ids and it took me not too long to figure out that it was him hiding under all the pseudo ids... anyways so he told me to do x and y and z... never surfacing really and alwys telling me he was scared and that i needed to do so much to get our relationship going... and i would do it and then he would humiliate me among the small common acquaintances we had by saying oh she is so crazy about me see she did this and bla bla... stupid me.. i never understood that... i always fell for the next thing he told me to do which would be waiting endlessly soemwhere for me to come or some stupid stuff like that. Anyways, he got married to someone who works wiht him, and apprantly he had known her before we met, and just before his marriage he was telling me to do stuff and told me never to leave him and went on a honeymoon and still told me that i was the one. I didnt know he had gotten married. So i figured later and understood what a jackass he had made of me. Question- why would someone do this to someone? Whats the kick? Was he just plain enjoying seeing me run around for him at his beck and call for his entertainment?

  • Jane

    I wanted to say thank you courageous women. You are not confused, you know what jackasses men are. If the shoe was on the other foot we would NEVER have treated our women like the way they have treated us!

    I recently dated a muslim man knowing full well his intention was to convert me but I told him from day 1 I would never follow religion. Although yesterday I bought home literature about islam to get a better understanding of it - WOULD MEN DO THIS FOR US!?!

    I dont hate men, I just have met lots of boys and never a man. Men in my experience take take take. Last night when the Ex came over he expected dinner to be ready served as he was starving, I told him I needed a quick shower after cooking. He insulted my DVDs, when I asked him to choosed one whilst I showered. He FREAKED out when I showed him the islam literature it needed to be on a shelf not on a bed "are you stupid"...aparently I should have known this. And then when I explained I might have been ripped out, he explained with this positive thinking I "wanted it as I chose it!"....I couldnt take any more so I asked him to leave. To which is stormed out and ignored my pleas to stay and talk it out. He ended up getting in an accident and breaking a tooth!

    All this is my fault I am pretty sure. The fact is why do we put with such bullshit. I am so glad I asked him to go, its my house that he came into and created a war zone...the funny thing is he said I should have been "HUMBLE"...the cheek of it.

    I'm still fuming about it all, I think its the shock how someone can make you out to be the "bad" one when they have no regard for you whatsoever.

    Did he ever cook for me?
    Did he ever try my religion (which is none!)? but i mean take on my non-religious views!
    Did he make ever effort sexually to please me?

    The answer is no, no, no.

    Men are takers, giving is something they do it "parts" and for their purpose. I remember distinctively one night how he said lots of things to get me to give him a blow job. hehe! I had a bad back and it was particularly bad, I told him if he rid of all the pain he would get the most awesome blow job...he gave up after 30 minutes!

    It would be great to meet a man who could TALK I mean be really honest and not bullshit you. Who would care to go the extra mile, to make sure you are looked after. Mostly it would be amazing to meet a man who is clear that if he isnt going to marry you - he'd move on!!!!

    "No man is ever worth your tears and the one who is will NEVER make you cry"

    I rather be single forever then date another moron!

  • mini

    I agree with Anne. I think that ultimately it's good that you broke up. This is the worst type of person you can be with. someone who doesn't take responsibility in the relationship or for the end of it is not trustworthy. the point is to be able to discuss about your problems and feelings and find solutions to them. If that's not possible and one or both want to end things, then let it be. My ex (of three months) did exactly the same as yours he became distant when he felt this was not working-and didn't have the guts to speak up end ask me to not call him again. One evening he texted that he would call the next day and he didn't-he pissed me off badly only to tell me later that he doesn't like me like that! And of course that made me really angry! I totally humiliated him on skype (humiliating myself as well) but he had to face the results of his behaviour! there was no other way. now i feel more like I can move on-that was so unfair and doesn't do the relationship justice. We both made mistakes and I was hoping for a civilised breaking up so we can smile hey in case we ran into each other. At least he did me the honour of replying to me...

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