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Bisexuality And Marriage

Question:

Dr. Schwartz, I am a bisexual female, who until this year, thought I was happily married. My husband and I had a child 10 months ago, and ever since then I feel like I have grown distant from him. I am no longer attracted to him, and I suddenly feel like our values are incompatible. What happened? Have I been a lesbian all along? Until we had a child, I thought we had a perfect marriage. Thank you for your help.

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Answer:

I have known many people in my life and not only in my practice who had heterosexual marriages even though they were homosexual. The reasons for the marriages according to the time period they lived in and their personal needs. For example, I knew of someone who married, had children, remained in the marriage, raised the children, left the marriage and began a full gay life style. That was someone who was fearful of coming out because much less was understood or tolerated about being gay. Someone else I knew really wanted to have children, biological children and not adopted. When the marriage took place both were aware of the homosexual or bisexual issues.

My point is that, among the people I have known, there was full awareness of being either bisexual or homosexual, at least on the part of the one person. I am sure that what you have experienced happens to people who do not realize they are gay or bisexual until after their marriages.

But, you are asking if its possible that you were gay all along and did not know it. Of course, it is possible that the answer is yes. Perhaps you have always had lesbian tendencies.

I have no way of knowing whether you are really gay, bisexual or heterosexual. I have a hunch (a blind guess) that you are not so sure yourself. Why do I say this? Let me explain:

You are reporting a change in your marriage after you gave birth to your child 10 months ago. That raises some questions in my thinking about your situation. Did your husband become less attentive, helpful and supportive after you gave birth? Or, did he become more demanding, acting like a child? Are you depressed? Did you become depressed during or after giving birth?

Having a child always puts enormous pressure on a marriage, regardless of how good that marriage was prior to the birth.So, I do not know how much of what you are feeling is due to those changes as compared to a change in your sexual orientation? I cannot answer this for you. All I can do is raise the important questions and without implying that I think you should be gay or heterosexual. In fact, what I am trying to say is that you need time to sort it all out.

You see, perhaps the problem is in the marriage more than anything else. After all, you report a great marriage before the birth. What would cause a change in sexual orientation now? Perhaps all of this has to do with your husband more than anything else.

Suggestion:

If at all possible, go into psychotherapy in order that you can sort it all out. In the end, maybe you will decide you are homosexual. Well, fine. Or, you will find that the problem is the marriage, or you will discover or decide that its both of these things or neither of these things. All I can suggest is that you take the time to figure out what is going on.

I wish you the very best of luck regardless of what you decide to do. Have a good and happy life and enjoy your baby.

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