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Borderline Girlfriend


This woman I was dating was a very unhealthy relationship I am finally admitting. Let me sum it up briefly. In the two months we were together she broke up with me seven times in the second month!. We would go out and spend the weekend together than by Mon I would call her up and she would tell me we have “nothing in common” and she would break-up. Three days later we would be back (it was always a different excuse). It seemed like every week she would have a different excuse. Two weeks ago, on the seventh break-up, we had dinner and made love on Fri and movie on Sat and went hiking all day on Sunday and I thought we had a great time together. On Wed she called me and said she never wanted to see me again because she had no romantic feelings for me. She said we can be great friends and that’s it. I saw her out at a night club on the following Sat night by herself and we danced two songs and she turned to look at me and she said I do not want to dance with you any more and please leave but she was mean when she said it. I had too much to drink later in the evening and I called her cell phone and left her several vile messages.I called her the next day to apologise and she said she forgave me (she said I called her a whore and crazy etc.) We talked again the following Fri by email and it was pleasant.

I was told by a family friend that she has a personality disorder, possible bi-polar and suffers from manic depression. I have not called her at all and she has not attempted communication at all with me, but I find myself thinking about her all the time. I always think about the wonderful things we did and shared but it is hard. Any tips on letting go? And in your opinion do you think I will ever hear from her again?

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There is a real sadist-masochist vibe in this relationship you describe, with you in the role of the masochist.
It doesn’t sound healthly at all, frankly and I’m glad to see that you are recognizing this too. I’d say that both of you are acting addicted to the drama of this passion play. Drama makes things very interesting for a while, but it is ultimately empty of meaning. As Shakespere wrote in MacBeth, “It is a tale told by an idiot … full of sound and fury, and signifying nothing.” Keep dating this woman and you’ll end up burning your adrenal glands out (!).

Here is my tip for extracting yourself from this troubling situation. Don’t call or contact this woman again, and if she calls or contacts you, don’t accept that call or contact. Avoid her from this moment on. What you may see if you pursue this avoidance stragegy is that she might start calling you frequently so as to try to reel you in again. This is called escalation, and it is typical of ambivalent relationships like the one you describe. Just continue to avoid engaging any contact she makes towards you and ultimately she will move on to a new victim.

I think it makes sense for you to do some soul searching too, to try to become more aware of why you are attracted to this sort of unstable intensity in the first place. This sort of thing doesn’t make for a satisfying relationship, and the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can move on to finding a relationship that can deliver the real goods.

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