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Delusional And Morbid Jealousy?

Question:

I am with a man for 9 yrs and I love him very much. We have been through a lot of ups and downs in our relationship, but mostly downs. Can delusional and morbid jealousy be created from past betrayal and unfaithfulness done by this man that I love or is it something that I have always had and never realized?

Now that I am doing more research on delusional and morbid jealousy I see that I have all the signs of a monster that is killing me and I no longer want to be this person. But once again I ask could this have been created by a man who has lied to me from the begining of our relationship until the last couple of years?

Let me explain my situation and in no way am I justifying my actions or my behavior, I know that I need help and I need it fast.

We met in Sept, 2001 right after the attacks on the World Trade Center. We started dating Oct 1st, 2001. On our first date we talked about ourselves, our kids and the duration of  our fomer marriages or relationships. (

1) He told me he was never married.

(2) He also told me that he was single and not dating anyone.

(3) He mentioned to me that he was leaving on a company business trip to Columbia and that he was leaving in 2 weeks, just after we started dating.

(4) Whenever he came to see me he always had his cell phone off and mentioned to me that he did not need it on while he was with me because I was the only one calling him.

(5) He told me that we should not maintain contact with any of our ex’s because it would be bad for our relationship.

(6) He gave me an engagement ring in November 2001. In May 2002, he sent me two of his former empolyees for assistance in job placement. These were empolyees that I never met in my life. One of them stated to me that “He sure is a ladies man down at ground zero!!!!!!.” He went on to say much more.

In 2006 he would not answer his work phone in front of me and would not listen to his messages when I was around. He recieved blocked phone calls at all times of the night (calls where the phone number cannot be seen). He would not answer the phone.

At this point we had broken up many times because I no longer trusted him. He walked out on our relationsship for weeks at a time and always came back and blamed me for my jealousy.

On the computer, I found him on many singles sites (I have all the profiles he’s ever had) and once again he blames me for his action.

I no longer have friends because he does not like them. I gave up everything and everyone for him. At this point my jealousy began. I’ve given him proof of the reasons for my jealousy but he calls me crazy. He became physically abusive towards me because I presented him with proof. At the end of August of 2006 I told him I needed time for myself to find out who I am, to learn why I have become so jealous yet love him the way I do and that I needed my space.

Two weeks into Sept 2006 his brother’s wife infomed me that he has a new girl friend and took her to the house.  I was dying with hurt and jealousy. Oct 2006 he also brought another woman to his home while still dating the first woman. All of this was just 2 weeks after I told him I needed time.

In Dec. 2006, he returned to me and because I love him so much and I felt I would die without him I forgave him. At this point my disease has taken the best of me. Every time we fought he verbally abused me, telling me I was fat, stupid, crazy, disgusting, and insane with jealousy. I believed him,  lost my self-esteem, my courage, and I became co-dependent.

Jan 2007 we got married and he told me he was marrying me so I would trust him and not feel insecure anymore. I thought that would help but it didn’t. I was lost now more than ever with delusional thoughts of him. I wondered who was he taking to, who was on the phone, where he was now, and what he was doing on the computer. I wondered why he did not answer the phone when I was around. I hated to go to parties or dinner with him in fear that he would see a beautiful woman and make eye contact. 

When ever I try telling him how I feel he tells me I am crazy and I need to see a therapist. Then, we argue and I throw the past at him and he gets really angry and hits me. But, I love him so much that I did not want to lose him and I always blame myself and still do.

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Answer:

I have no way of determining whether your jealousy is well founded or not and, therefore, I have no way of knowing if you have delusions about this man or not.

However, I can tell you in the most strenuous terms possible that there is no reason for you to tolerate his verbal and physical abuse. You state that you “love him so much,” but I fail to understand how this is possible with a man who treats you so badly.

Perhaps your suspicions are paranoid. Perhaps they are not. It makes no difference. He has no right to hit you, no right to call you “crazy” and no right to call you other bad things.

In fact, after reading your long story it is amazing that you married this man after all of this bad treatment. Well, there is nothing that you can do about that decision. What was decided in the past is gone. However, divorce is a very real option and one that you should take very seriously. In fact, it is my opinion that the very next time he hits you, you call the police to your home and have him arrested. He is committing a crime when he hits you and he belongs in prison for that crime.

My sincere advice is that you get yourself some well needed psychotherapy and that you end this relationship before you are beaten so badly that you end up in the hospital or even worse than that.

Best of Luck

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Comments
  • Patricia

    Having no clinical or psychology background whatsoever, this reminds me of the movie"Gaslight". Her husband obviously is also fueling the idea that she is the crazy one, and she needs DV help as well. Her husband has a lengthy track record and her suspicions are founded. Your advice to her was excellant. However, it is my understanding that morbid jealousy is based on the total innocence of the partner and that the person suffering from MJ can not be convinced otherwise even with irrefutable evidence. I have a sister who only recently was able to determine she has an extreme case of morbid jealousy that is now effecting her 4th marriage. When faced with the reality of her problem, her enthusiastic reply was "Oh my God, this describes me to a T", however in the same conversion, she reverted back to paranoid comments about her husband. Unfortunately, I am now also her target even though I live 8 hours away from her, and have been married for 25 years.

  • Andy

    I have just come out of an awful and toxic relationship because of her ridiculous paranoia and suspicions which was totally unfounded and she constantly checked up on me, thought that i eyed up other women, wanted other women, didnt love her.

    I ended up bottling up my ever increasing feelings of utter frustration for months and months.. i loved this woman more than anything and would have done anything for her. No other woman compared to her and it was the most frustrating time of my life.. i cant explain how much i loved this woman. There is NOTHING you can do or say to make her believe you..and things like above start becoming violent and toxic. I became crazy, not myself, my frustrations came out, turned into anger.. where one morning after her checking my phone, proceeded to wake me up and question me for the hundred'th time. I flipped, and oim not proud to say it.. i became a monster.. i never wanted this and just wanted to love this woman and she would never let me just love her. You need to relax and understand that HE LOVES YOU for god's sake. What is the point in making your man crazy when he just wants to love you...

    Its a mad world. What have you got to lose

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