Need help breaking free from addiction?
1-888-993-3112
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Ad Info & Options

Fiancee Is Bi-sexual

Question:

Good Day, My boyfriend of 9 yrs (were were childhood sweethearts) recently told me he was bisexual after I reached out to him and asked him if he was gay. I know you’re probably thinking that was not the best approach. However, it was bothering me as I noticed his dressing style and mannerisms in a deeper manner. These were the only clues I caught on to. I am going through a very difficult time right now as I’m in love and always have been with him. He also says he loves me, but deep down I know his love is shared. We haven’t discussed his relationships with other men as he said he’s never been in any, but has only started to have strong feelings towards other men. I haven’t stopped loving him as we share both an emotional and physical attraction which is unmatched. What should I do? Should I just move on now, sooner than later after we get married? People told me that things will be complicated once kids come into the picture. I would sincerely appreciate some discussion on this matter, as my heart is broken and I’m in need to talk to someone about this. Thank you.

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Answer:

Of the relationships I have known, both on a personal level and a professional level, when one of the spouses had strong homosexual impulses, the marriage did not last. This was true even in those cases where there were children and the couple remained together for many years. In fact, among those who were personal friends of mine, it was sad to see the couple gradually drift apart. I will add that some of these marriages were examples of people who previously knew that one of them was gay and marriages in which this came as a shock to the partner who was not aware.

So, I guess my own small sample of personal and professional situaions suggest that it is not a good idea to marry someone who is bisexual because the chances of a permanent marriage are extremely small.

My opinion of your situation is that you would do best for yourself if you moved on. Marriage is difficult enough without adding such a powerful sexual dynamic into the relationship. In addition, it is often difficult for people to learn how to adjust to one another’s sexual preferences totally outside of the issue of homosexuality. These are challenging problems for most couples. 

However, the suggestion that you move on is just my opinion and you must decide what is best for you. I will strongly urge the two of you to sit down and have several extremely serious discussions about this issue and about whether or not you fiancee believes he can be fully monogamous. After that, it is up to you.

Best of Luck

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

Comments
  • haru

    I find it strange that you are equating bisexuality with being homosexual. It is true that marriages where one partner is gay tend to fail... but the person mentioned is not gay, he is bisexual. Those marriages failed because one person was not attracted to their partner... but a bisexual would be. A bisexual person is no less likely to remain faithful than a straight person. The fact that he is also attracted to men won't make him cheat. May as well say the poster can't stay faithful because she's attracted to men, so will be with other men. I am bisexual, as is my husband. As long as we love eachother and are attracted to each other, it doesn't matter if we are also attracted to our own gender.

  • Anonymous-1

    As a bisexual male, I agree whole-heartedly with the previous poster and am hurt by Dr. Schwartz's comments. With his statements and advice, he perpetuates the worst stereotypes and misconceptions about bisexuals. The first is that bisexuals are promiscuous, second is that they are incapable of a long-term relationship, and third (a big one) is that they are confused and unable to truly commit. I have been in very loving homosexual and heterosexual relationships, and have never cheated.

    If a person understands his/her feelings and attractions, relationships are not a problem. A heterosexual has other options because there are other women in the world. A bisexual also has other options, but his likelihood to cheat rests with the strength of his love for his significant other, his upbringing, and his morals, nothing more.

    I think it is short-sighted of Dr. Schwartz to base not only his personal views on a very few examples of marriages that didn't work out (remember 50% of ALL marriages fail), but also his advice to a woman in a long-term, loving relationship. I think a discussion is definitely in order, but the man loves her enough to be honest with her about it. Together, they MIGHT reach the conclusion that he is too confused or unsure about his love, and that a relationship will be too hard on them both. However, this is only one of many possible outcomes.

    The fact that someone is bisexual means that they CAN be in love with either sex. The notion that we cannot be in love with a person of either particular sex as a result of our attraction to both is unfair, unfounded, and wrong. It offends me deeply to hear a professional claim otherwise.

  • Eddy Dutch.

    It would be a perfect situation in the event that both partners have a Bi-sex orientation.

    Guaranteed long lasting relationship.

    Coz. we, and many with us are practicing Bi-sex sex for many years already , without feeling any pressure to divorce.

    Monogames relations do not fail isn't it?

    Dr. Schwarts , what University you graduated from. Shame on you by pretending to be a Specialist in this field, so please gain practice, and as such, I look forward with keen interest to read more papers from your hand for the many years to come.

    Kind regards,

    Eddy Dutch.

  • WorkingClassShrink

    I am also a clinical psychologist. As a practical matter, if someone came to me with a story like that, I would tend to extrapolate ( perhaps incorrectly) that there was a good chance the man was really more homosexual than bisexual, and that he was explaining it to her that way to try to soften the blow. Humane people, rightly or wrongly, often sugar-coat the truth to avoid seeing the pain of the other. Supporting this pessimistic viewpoint is that the fiancee reported only recently having strong feelings towards men. This indicates his desires and identity are still in flux, and he may tend to find deeper satisfaction with men and drift away from her ( as wife or fiancee). One thing I also agree with is that if he is going to drift away, it's better done before kids complicate alliances.

    HOWEVER, and this is a big one-- I don't think one can predict all relationships like this will always tank. In my case, I have long been very turned on by bi-sexual women. as long as there is openness and she and I are primary to each other, this, at least in fantasy, could be a paradisical relationship for me.

    When analyzing your observed failure rates, I also think it's important to factor in the difficulties in Puritanical America ( as well as most other places) with the couple feeling the stress of being closeted in whatever sexual variation they prefer. For instance, until recently a teacher could lose their job for homosexual behavior, and I wouldn't exactly recommend it as a path to promotion!. Outside pressure, real or perceived or feared, from intolerant people could really cause destructive, divisive tension in the relationship.

  • Zappernapper

    Why would you compare this person's situation to those of your friends who were married to homosexuals?

    I'd also like to know, in how many of the cases you have first hand knowledge about, was the other person open about their same-sex attraction beforehand? That makes things very different, when usually its the shock of the news while already married that is really the cause of hurt feelings.

    As a clinical psychologist I would think you would answer the question asked, instead of assuming things about people you've never met. Maybe he IS actually homosexual, but any therapist will caution about making assumptions of a client based off one session, and you're making assumptions of someone you've never met!

    As a therapist, you should assume only what info you've been given, and give advice off that (because you've been asked).

    Bisexuals get happily married to straight people all the time, therapists don't hear about the healthy marriages because they have no reason to see a counselor. It's like when homosexuality was considered a mental illness because the only homosexuals therapists were studying were the ones who came in for mental disorders.

    ADVICE: Tell him that if he's really gay, it's ok, and you'll still love him. If he's not sure, you still love him, but maybe it's a good idea to hold off the wedding plans for a while so he can think about it. If he's really bi, and he's willing to commit to you (whatever that means for you two), then go for it! And become another success story!

  • Nickie

    As a bisexual woman in a 40 year marriage and a 12 year poly triad I find the doctor's comments a little strange to say the least. It seems to me that therapists sometimes fail to allow for the biased nature of the sample of relationships they are aware of - after all, people who are happily married to bisexuals are not going to him for therapy, are they?

    I also consider it poor form for a therapist to offer such concrete advice - surely it is better to recommend communication and discussion and allow the couples to come to their own conclusions. Giving information in the form of links to websites would also be more useful than sharing a biased and uninformed opinion that does little other than reinforce societal biphobia.

Close

Call the Helpline Toll-FREE

To Get Treatment Options Now.

1-888-993-3112 100% Confidential

Get Help For You or a Loved One Here...

Click Here for More Info.

Close

Call The Toll-FREE Helpline 24/7 To Get Treatment Options Now.

100% Confidential
Get Treatment Options From Your Phone... Tap to Expand