Need help breaking free from addiction?
Call 24/7 for treatment options. Who Answers?

Fiancee Is Bi-sexual


Good Day, My boyfriend of 9 yrs (were were childhood sweethearts) recently told me he was bisexual after I reached out to him and asked him if he was gay. I know you’re probably thinking that was not the best approach. However, it was bothering me as I noticed his dressing style and mannerisms in a deeper manner. These were the only clues I caught on to. I am going through a very difficult time right now as I’m in love and always have been with him. He also says he loves me, but deep down I know his love is shared. We haven’t discussed his relationships with other men as he said he’s never been in any, but has only started to have strong feelings towards other men. I haven’t stopped loving him as we share both an emotional and physical attraction which is unmatched. What should I do? Should I just move on now, sooner than later after we get married? People told me that things will be complicated once kids come into the picture. I would sincerely appreciate some discussion on this matter, as my heart is broken and I’m in need to talk to someone about this. Thank you.

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.

Of the relationships I have known, both on a personal level and a professional level, when one of the spouses had strong homosexual impulses, the marriage did not last. This was true even in those cases where there were children and the couple remained together for many years. In fact, among those who were personal friends of mine, it was sad to see the couple gradually drift apart. I will add that some of these marriages were examples of people who previously knew that one of them was gay and marriages in which this came as a shock to the partner who was not aware.

So, I guess my own small sample of personal and professional situaions suggest that it is not a good idea to marry someone who is bisexual because the chances of a permanent marriage are extremely small.

My opinion of your situation is that you would do best for yourself if you moved on. Marriage is difficult enough without adding such a powerful sexual dynamic into the relationship. In addition, it is often difficult for people to learn how to adjust to one another’s sexual preferences totally outside of the issue of homosexuality. These are challenging problems for most couples. 

However, the suggestion that you move on is just my opinion and you must decide what is best for you. I will strongly urge the two of you to sit down and have several extremely serious discussions about this issue and about whether or not you fiancee believes he can be fully monogamous. After that, it is up to you.

Best of Luck

More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists

Want to get help, but not ready to talk? Find Out More