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His Mother Is Ruining Our Relationship


I am in a relationship where my fiance’s mother is a narcissistic/obsessive-compulsive person. Her actions have reeked havoc with his 3 year old daughter. It has gotten to the point where I refuse to go to the house to visit. If she isn’t throwing a plate at me she’s telling me that my fiance sees other people and if I knew what was good for me I would leave him. Which none is true. No one is better than her to take care of his daughter, she complains that she talks about me too much, that she talks about my parents too much, she complains that my fiance’s child support is paid out of a joint account and has riled up the mother of his child so much that now the relationship is a problem to her. His mother badmouths him to his clients of his company and to his friends parents saying how ungrateful he is to her and that it is acutally her that does the work for his company. He’s in construction. She prides herself of the fact that she successfully has run-off every other girlfriend that he has had and tells anyone who will listen that she knows that this relationship is doomed and we aren’t right for each other and that she knows it for fact. Not to mention the language that she uses around his daughter. Telling her to tell Daddy he’s an ‘F’n Dope’ and things of that nature. I do not know how to deal with this anymore. I find it difficult to suggest to my fiance that he should visit his mother. Everytime he comes home, he’s crying! I do not go, I fear for my own emotional stability not to mention his. But I refuse to say anything to the effect of ‘do not go’ because if anyone is to drive him away I would rather it be her. I just have no idea how to deal in the meantime. Please advise. I do not feel I can marry him until we find a way to deal with this issue. Thanks for listening.

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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I agree with you that it is important that you not marry this man until you can both come to a decision on how to handle his mother. You need to be assured that she will not interfere with your happiness as individuals and as a couple. Have you considered seeking professional help? A professional can assess the issues at hand in a more detailed way and may help you and your fiance put things into perspective — and arrive at a clear plan in dealing with his mother. Hope that helps, – Anne

More "Ask Anne" View Columnists

  • Anonymous-1

    My boyfriend's mother acts almost exactly the same way -- minus throwing plates (so far). She's trying to drive us apart by being rude to my family and I, excluding me from plans, throwing tantrums, and pouting. There is no way I will ever marry this man until he deals with his "mommy-issues." Can you imagine the horrors grankids would cause? Yikes!

  • Anonymous-2

    I'm dealing with the fallout of a mother like this. My fiance's mother was successful in driving us apart. When my fiance stood up to her, she spread lies about me and my family to all of his extended family in Los Angeles, convinced my fiance's family to stage an intervention on his not marrying me, and was horribly rude to my family in an irreparable way at my fiance's grandfather's memorial service. (this is in addition to calling me up the day after my fiance had said generally where and when we were to be married, and saying that she wished we would wait two years before doing so.)

    Although I was technically the one that broke it off because he said he could not stand up for me against his family, I am very hurt and confused at how in the heck !!?!

  • anna

    i dont feel so alone with the mother inlaw thing. I have been with my husband for 20yrs now and am 35yrs old..he gets treated like a little princess and i am the horrible manipulating poisoness snake who fills his head with rubbish about his family..and say that after many years of the same treatment she caused me so much distress and anxiety that i was contemplating suicide i wanted to see a counsellor but couldnt find the right one and the good ones were so busy it was ages till they called i looked up many things on the internet from manipulators to bullying and lots of other personality disorders and it seemed to make so much sense and fit the picture to the exact explaination which made me immediatly feel better that i want losing my mind as i was constantly blamed for big things and little things, conversations were always twisted and turned,i was bulleyed by family members, i was lied about constantly, and not to mention our home was invaded by this beast who wouldnt even respect privacy issues such as the washing basket...told us not to flush the toilet in the middle of the night as this would wake her ( can u imagine what she would have found in the morning especially on womens cycle days) she would change all kitchen around, mop the floor immediatly after i did, chop down plants i had been growing for a long time, change our bed every two days, look through all of our draws and cupboards,and there were weird behaviorssuch as using nearly all pegs on the line for one pair of her undies and then rotate the undies through the day for a nice even dry,put her hair into little piggy tails (she is 60yrs old) insults everything i do or dont do including taking pegs off the line (so i leave them on there permanently now just to get up her nose)...all these stupid behaviors that i could write a book about and the list goes on ( you can imagine what 20yrs is like) and guess what?? I have finally stood to her and her family and also to my husband who sees only his what he wants to see. Small words were exchanged between them both but nothing was solved so i have cut her off forever...and i am the worst person ever now..guess what? I have made the absolute best possible decision and have never been happier and wish i had found the info sooner. if you are in this situation or anything similar you can understand it better if find the right info and you wont feel so crazy and so alone in your thinking. In the end the power will be in your controll and not hers


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