My husband and I are both in our 30’s and this is not the first marriage for either of us. Our problem is that my husband does not like sex. Period. He hates it…thinks it is disgusting, stupid, worthless, etc. and all over the web I can find articles about men with low sex drive, but NONE that refer to men who absolutely detest sex. Of course, he did not tell me this prior to marriage, and we do not have sex at all. We married two and a half years ago and have made love maybe 10 times, and none at all within the last 7 months because he can’t stand it. He is not having an affair. I don’t think he is gay….we have talked about that at length. He is not willing to see beyond his hatred for sex to satisfy my needs, and that hurts. I don’t know what to do. I am about ready to leave as there are a multitude of other problems (This is affecting other parts of our marriage.) We have NO money for counseling, either, so we sought free counseling from a pastor, but my husband was not honest, so it did no good. Please help.
- ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
- ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
- Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by ‘Anne’ to people submitting questions.
- ‘Anne’, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. ‘Anne’ and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
Sex is an important part of marriage, a vital one even and you are well within your rights to want it and expect it from your spouse. It is in fact odd, deviant even, for him to feel this way about sex. It makes me wonder about how this attitude came about inside him? I’ll wonder out loud if he was abused as a child? It is possible to be married without having a sexual relationship, but both partners have to want and agree to this arrangement in order for it to work. This is clearly not an option for you. There is a serious marital problem here that needs to be addressed. Going to see the pastoral counselor continues to be a good idea. Lay out the seriousness of this situation for your husband and help him to see that he cannot avoid it or bully you into submission about it. He has to either be strong and a partner and be honest about this, or he’ll be alone. If he won’t go to see the pastor with you, then go without him. Good Luck.