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Husband Hates Sex


My husband and I are both in our 30’s and this is not the first marriage for either of us. Our problem is that my husband does not like sex. Period. He hates it…thinks it is disgusting, stupid, worthless, etc. and all over the web I can find articles about men with low sex drive, but NONE that refer to men who absolutely detest sex. Of course, he did not tell me this prior to marriage, and we do not have sex at all. We married two and a half years ago and have made love maybe 10 times, and none at all within the last 7 months because he can’t stand it. He is not having an affair. I don’t think he is gay….we have talked about that at length. He is not willing to see beyond his hatred for sex to satisfy my needs, and that hurts. I don’t know what to do. I am about ready to leave as there are a multitude of other problems (This is affecting other parts of our marriage.) We have NO money for counseling, either, so we sought free counseling from a pastor, but my husband was not honest, so it did no good. Please help.

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Sex is an important part of marriage, a vital one even and you are well within your rights to want it and expect it from your spouse. It is in fact odd, deviant even, for him to feel this way about sex. It makes me wonder about how this attitude came about inside him? I’ll wonder out loud if he was abused as a child? It is possible to be married without having a sexual relationship, but both partners have to want and agree to this arrangement in order for it to work. This is clearly not an option for you. There is a serious marital problem here that needs to be addressed. Going to see the pastoral counselor continues to be a good idea. Lay out the seriousness of this situation for your husband and help him to see that he cannot avoid it or bully you into submission about it. He has to either be strong and a partner and be honest about this, or he’ll be alone. If he won’t go to see the pastor with you, then go without him. Good Luck.

More "Ask Anne" View Columnists

  • Candace

    OMG, I have the same problem with my husband. Please email me I need to talk to someone who understands what I have been dealing with for almost 4 years now.

  • Rose

    Hi, I have been married for fourteen years, on the second year my husband showed his real detest for all females. He had been single for six years raising his sextually abused son.(A boyfriend of his ex wifes was acused of it.) I am not sure this really happened as this child seemed to me to be just totlly spoiled. My husband's home looked as a giant childrens toy box. At first I thought it was a man without a womans touch but after we married and had a girl, the real truth spilled out. He hates females. I have had no sex in years and he doesn't like any woman at all. He says he is not gay but I wonder. Our relationship was good in the begining. I feel sorry for this but I think of having an affair all the time.He is a good provider but is very difficult to live with. His son left and will not have a thing to do with him and he is driving our daughter with emotional issuesto a deeper state. Counsiling has been a joke--no help. I have MS and am functionally blind now--stuck in a cold as ice hell.

  • CuriousKat

    Are you sure it is the exboyfriend of his exwife who is the pedophile?

    From what you have said, somebody was inappropriate, now that the kid is older he wants nothing to do with his dad. Pedophiles always keep plenty of toys around (to try and buy a kids love and cooperation) and what could be a more convenient "beard" than a near blind wife with problems getting around and checking up on him and his activities? I would be checking his PC History....maybe he hates girls so bad because he loves little boys SO MUCH. I had to join and write this because it scared me that you were not seeing these signs....

  • Anonymous-1

    how do i go on from here. my husband will not go for counseling at all. i used to beg for sex...then i gave up. this all made me feel unwanted and ugly. i don't think i am - i am in good shape have friends who think i am totally crazy for staying with him. i am now in my late 40s and have no kids. we have always had financial diffaculties - so i have never left him. i have now met a man who is also married. we have met a few times and and now finally had sex.. wow - it was great. i truly don't know how to act. he makes me feel wanted and pretty. what do i do now?

  • agree

    Omg finally someone has this problem. I have been seeing the same guy for over two years and the first year it was awesome and we had sex often and now it's been way over a year and a half. He does not like to talk about it and says he will "work on it". He says he is just too stressed yet he loves oral sex. Makes no sense and I am so sick of it!!!

  • Anonymous-2

    addicted to porn and masturbation. simple as that. check the computer

  • Barbara

    Generally people who detest sex and think it is dirty or gross have been abused sexually. When they are being molested they feel like it's a punishment and that they have done something wrong or this wouldn't be happening. I speak from first hand experience. I absolutely detested sex. Unfortunately this was one of the causes for our divorce.

    I am now remarried and I have forgiven the person who molested me, not because it does anything for him...but because holding a grudge was eating me up. Because of forgiveness I am free. I have given myself permission to enjoy sex. I now enjoy sex very much and see it as the most beautiful communication between my new husband and myself.

    I think that your husband needs help...if you are still married.

  • Randy

    Maybe he has some hidden issues he is not talking about? Maybe feels his penis is small, or feels he will ejaculate too soon. Sometimes men with say they detest sex as they do not want to embarrass themselves.

  • Nathan

    If I were to say that my wife doesn't like sex, and finds it a chore - is that the same thing?

    Despite what you may think, I go to extensive lengths to ensure she climaxes. (at least 7 out of 10 times, I'm no magician.)

    When she does allow us to have sex, she lies there and barely participates, refuses to perform oral, despite being quite happy to receive it. She will do nothing except lie there and spread her legs. And still somehow calls it a chore.

    The real chore is for me to prevent myself from throwing my arms in the air, giving up on her and finding someone not so selfish.

  • Pen

    I understand your problem all too well, and I was beginning to think I was alone in my situation. I have been married almost 6 years. We were together for 2 years before getting married. In the first 1to 2 years of being together we were wild for each other. Especially him, he couldnt get enough. Would even wake me up to do it, was amazing. Nothing changed for us, he did gain some weight, but I never mentioned it, just only continued to tell him how much I love him and would always try and be intimate with him. But for whatever reason, we just stopped having sex. He is not gay for sure, and I know he is not having an affair. Believe me both crossed my mind, but could never get proof, and there was never time for him to do it, no unaccounted time so I know that's not it. But for some reason he just quit wanting to have sex. If I am lucky, we have sex 2 times a year. It makes me feel ugly and unwanted. I feel like we are roommates, not a married couple. I am so sad, and get depressed about it all the time. I keep trying to bring it up, and he gets so upset and sometimes defensive. One time recently he said he is just lazy and tired and gets winded so easy and then he said he just doesn't seem to have the drive for it anymore. I try to expain to him that I just want to be with him and that I have no expectations, I just want us to be close and have that intimacy. He would also tell me when we would talk about this before that I was alot like his ex girlfriends in wondering why we were not having sex. So that gets me wondering if it is not me, and it is him cuz his exes have had the same problems I am having! It is so frustrating. I love him, but feel so alone and lonely and sad and want to be wanted again. It is refreshing to find out that I am not alone in this. I am scared though as I am beginning to feel like we may never overcome this issue and I wish he would open up to me more and we could work this out. I mentioned a marriage counselor and he didnt like the idea of course. I am patient and understanding, but 2 times a year!?!? It is so not normal and it is just to upsetting. Thanks for letting me vent everyone

  • Nat:

    I don't hate sex but I think were better off without it. Sex to me is boring, alot of work for so little return. Its just not a human need thing. I 've been married 40 plus years and the last 30 we haven't had sex. I don't miss it!! It all stopped after the 2 kids were born.

    To me sex isn't some thing that humans need, so what if the human race disappears. According to the bible its going to happen anyway whether sex is involved or not.

  • Margaret

    Thank you all.........As I have read in your writings I too have felt ugly too as my partner does not like sex and has even told me the thought disgust him. I had gone out with guys who only thought about sex so getting together with my present partner was nice , knowing he liked me for me. My partner is also unwell and I put his lack of interest down to him not being well. I no longer feel I can go on this way. I guess what hurts the most is he hasn't made any effort to find out why he feels this way even though he knows I want it so much.

    Being loved, touched to me is important as breathing. We could have a wonderful relationship as its great in every other way. My partner feeling this way as you have said, makes me feel ugly.

    It has been good reading that I am not alone with this. So often you hear of men complaining their partners don't want sex but I have never before heard of a guy feeling this way. From your comments I have learnt alot, thank you all so much.

  • Shelly

    My husband LOVED sex when he was younger, but once married the chase was over, and so was his interest in sex. We haven't had sex in the 8 years we have been married. I have so little self-esteem-thought it was all me (weight, whatever) and then find out I have sat in this pool of rejection that was coming to me no matter what. He hasn't talked in depth, just enough to say the only thing that excited him was "the chase"

    I am hoping hee will see someone-I won't cheat on him, but the thought is there. Can I live the next 30-40 years with NO sex? Even if I love him?

  • Sabrina

    I have been with my partner for 14 years (since I was 14) at first he was very passionate and had to walk away from me if we had been kissing so he didn't break the law. When I was 16 we started out sexual relationship. It was amazing, we did it everywhere and anywhere. We had no boundaries and tried everything and anything (giggling all the way)! I have spoken to lots of g/f's and none of them have has ever had the intense amazing sex we had then. However when I was 18 we moved in together and it stopped, dead overnight! We have never had sex more than 2x a year since. I have put on weight (gone from 6st to 9), so has he (gone from 13st to 24), I'm older now (18-28), so is he (21-31)! I want children but thats not going to happen, he says he's never found me attractive, that he hates sex, that he's to tired, that I'm to demanding, any excuse not to touch me. I am desperate for human affection, no one understands why I went from a happy loving teen to this miserable shell of a woman. I suppose I should be grateful for the 2 years I had, but somehow I just feel cheated!

  • Amy

    My husband hasn't had sex with me in 25 years, married 40 plus years. I admit he developed E/D years ago and he refuses to go to his doctor for help. I've pleaded with him I have my needs, he just told me to find another need. He stated a couple of months ago that sex with me is boring, discusting and ugly. He totally enjoys not having sex. He isn't gay or into porn. In our 60's now we have no kids, he hates kids and maybe we had sex 50 times in 40 years. I should have broken up with him years ago, but I was young and stupid. I feel so unloved and useless. I'm so depressed that if my life ended tomorrow I would be happy.

  • kerilyn

    It isn't talked about by the public, by marriage experts, or the spouses. When I would confide in my friends they didn't believe me...a couple said I was lucky. It isn't lucky to never feel touched, admired, desired, or beautiful. It feels horrible to be invisible. It is too painful for me to even sleep in the same bed with him, because the rejection keeps me up at night so I use his snoring as the reason we sleep seperate. He will not discuss it and gets defensive. It is unfortunate for me I have a high sex drive and I'm going to talk to my doctor to find a way to reduce it..if there is. It's been 3 years and I think I'll never have sex again. I have kids so leaving him or having an affair is out of the question. I won't put my needs before theirs. But, I won't stay after they are raised. However, I wonder who would want me when I'm old.

  • chris

    i am in the same situation. my husband of 6 yrs, when we said our vows, i said "i do" and he said "i don't anymore" we have had maybe in the past 6 yrs sex i can count it "7 times" i am 40 and he is 42, he has gone to the dr's "he is fine" i ask him why and he just looks at me like i have 3 heads. his first wife left him in her early 20's "because of this reason". i even came out and asked him point blank" are you gay" more then once!nope nothing no response. i feel unloved, rejected, and miserable to no end. we also have a 5 yr old, i ask myself over and over he sure liked to have sex a lot before i got pregnant. i guess he only wanted sex to get me pregnant. my sister in laws can't believe i have stayed and not "strayed" for this long. my husband would do anything for me except have sex with me. im tired of it and i just want attractive so i know its not that, i dont complain or bitch about anything, my house is clean, dinner is always made and his lunches, my family says i do too much, and get nothing in return. tonight im telling him i want out im done. oh and talking to him is impossible he hates any type on confrontation so basically i will be telling myself i want a diviorce its over finished. any advise at this point i would love to get some

  • Ella

    Sex Energy Creates the Spirit

    its not only for men its for women too.

    good luck

  • ELLA

    In fact, sexual energy is already being used to create the life you live. However, for most people it is used ineffectively and the energy is weak because it is being dissipated or wasted in useless sexual activity. Or that energy may consciously be repressed through guilt or other beliefs that using sexual energy is bad or wrong.

    good luck again

  • Anonymous-3

    I hate when people try to pretend that a person must be abused or messed up mentally if he/she isn't into sex. And it also really bothers me when people say you have a "right" to expect it from your partner. Um, no, you don't. You don't own someone just because you married them. She says that it hurts that he won't see past his hatred for sex to satisfy her "needs," but maybe she should consider the fact that it probably hurts him that she keeps pressuring him to do something she knows he obviously cannot stand. If he doesn't want to do it, he shouldn't have to, period. There should be more to your marriage than sex.

  • Dr. Allan N. Schwartz

    Certainly, there is a lot more to marriage than sex alone. However, sexual relations are an integral, agreed upon and expected part of any marriage. In fact, the refusal to engage in sex is grounds for divorce in many states. I cannot agree with the assertion that sex isn't everything and it should not be expected. That is quite unrealistic.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-4

    I am in the same situation..... We have been together 17 years married for 10 and lived together before we were married. I was 28 when we met he was 39. What I found out early in our relationship was that he was a virgin. He cares nothing about sex, it has never mattered to him. Early on I was ok because previous boyfriends only wanted sex, but now 17 years later it is a sad lonely miserable marriage. I feel ugly, fat, stupid, humiliated. I have told him how I feel and he says nothing, he doesnt care or have an answer. We have a 7 year old whom I call our Viagra baby. Without it I would not have conceived. Glad I am not alone but sorry for the women. It is a very very lonely existence and an unhappy marriage!!!!!

  • Maria Gomez

    My husband and i have been married for over 12 years. He is in his 40's and i am in my 30's.My sex drive is high and his is non existence. We have a good relationship but when it comes to sex i have to beg for it or it never happens. Iam tired of begging it makes me feel unwanted and cheap. We spoke many times about this and he always promises to try harder but never do.This causes me to want compliments from other men,what should i do?

  • Anonymous-5

    I am in a difficult situation as well. I am pregnant (8 months...counting down the days.) Before we got married, he always said he wanted to wait till marriage for sex. Eventually we did have sex but it was very sporatic. After marriage, I thought it might get better but it didn't. We decided we wanted a baby, which only made it worse as he started to panic every time I brought up sex. It took us 10 months to get pregnant, and since then he has refused sex saying it is "weird to think about" considering I am pregnant. He is not a bad person and I know he does love me. I don't think he is gay, and certainly not seeing someone else. I think the issue more is that he lacks confidence and was raised in an environment when sex was considered sinful, though it was a loving family. He refuses to see a counsilor or to get drugs. Always says "too much money." Now I am not allowed to have sex anyhow as I had some issues with my pregnancy, so he has a perfect excuse. Every time I try to talk about it we get into a big fight. It's very difficult. He says we will start back up after the baby is born, but I seriously doubt it.


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