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I Don't Know If I'm Gay


Anne, i have a problem. When i was young my cousin touched me in my private areas. He was a guy. I have had 3 sisters so I connect with girls more and now I’m made fun of and people think I’m gay. I don’t know if i am or not, and I’m struggling with my girlfriend over this problem. Why do i feel this way? Please help me.

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Being sexually abused at any age can create problems – sexually abused people sometimes have difficulty feeling good about their sexuality. But then again, we live in a culture that both pushes us to be increasingly sexual and at the same time tells us that it is slutty and dirty to be that way. Consequently, even people who haven’t been sexually abused often end up feeling bad about their sexuality. I wouldn’t worry too much about whether you are scared for life by having been inappropriately touched by your cousin. Chances are good as you mature you’ll be able to adjust and compensate for whatever damage was done. As to whether you are gay, I think you will know sooner or later if you are. Being gay is largely a matter of genetics and hormones; things we have no control over. Gayness is for the most part a normal variation of sexual development, just as handedness (whether you are right or left handed) is a normal variation of brain development. There is nothing wrong with being gay, just as there is nothing wrong with being left handed. People are born gay; they don’t (usually) become gay because of abuse, and they certainly don’t become gay because they grew up in a family with a lot of sisters. If you are gay, you’ll know because you’ll start finding yourself fantasizing about being sexual with other girls more than with boys. If you are straight, you’ll know because you’ll find yourself fantasizing about being sexual with boys more than girls. It’s no big deal if you do find yourself fantasizing about girls. There are many gay people out there, as you’ll discover as you grow older. Don’t worry so much about all of this gay stuff. It will work itself out, and you’ll be okay.

More "Ask Anne" View Columnists

  • wow.

    "anne" this person who asked you that qustion is obvously male.

  • Anonymous-1

    i completely agree with the above statement "anne"

  • lily

    i am a christian, the bible talks about being gay is wrong, we are born in our minds that it is wrong, cuz it is. its like saying a murderer is born a murderer, they make the choice to do as such, as u have the choice to be gay. the only way that u can change that is through jesus christ and no other, or u will never change, if u r gay.

    Editor's Note: This is a pretty typical "Christian" genre of response to the issue of homosexuality. The position seems to be exactly that it is a choice to be homosexual. I've got a question for any people in the reading audience who consider themselves Christians and who hold this position. What is the definition of being gay - is it defined as interest, or is it defined as behavior. Because, behavior is very much a choice, but really, interest is not a choice. And to the extent that your interest is very strong, your behavior becomes less and less of a choice. Can anyone offer a clarifiying comment please?

  • stephany

    K… for the insane Christian... You can say being gay is a choice, that’s like saying you
    choose who you like, you want to like the big guy and hate the little nerd, but no matter
    how much we tell our self you hate him, you love him. Or to some people music is the only way to let them express themselves, they don’t try to express them self’s in that way
    its the only way they could. Not saying its the only way homosexuals can go out with someone, they cant stop liking the same sex. What about the people who hide there sexuality, I bet if they had the choice they would like the opposite sex. its ironic how a fifteen year old can see this before someone who’s not supposed to judge, the almighty Christian apparently knows everything. God would want us to be happy and in all that to love the same sex would be a gift from god. Who more to understand you then someone who’s been through the same problems with hormones and feelings so why don’t you look inside yourself before you look in others.

  • Chuck Lockhart

    Please tell me you are not serious about the whole 'God shuns on the Gays thing'. We live in a century where most of society has accepted gays as 'normal' people, and that being Gay, whether a choice or not, is acceptable. It is sad, then, that some right-wing christian nutter still is of the belief that Gay's only savior is Jesus Christ etc. I cannot comprehend that you actually parallel sexuality with murder??!!!?Please, for the sake of an advanced society, get the hell over yourself and stop preaching out of a book that provides no proof, no substantiated evidence and no modern day applicable morals.

    To answer the question, in an idealistic world it should not matter if you are gay or straight. You're sexuality will eventually become obvious to you, and it should be the choice that you feel most comfortable with, not the choice that society or religion tells you to make. True, choosing (or not choosing depending what you believe re genetics etc) to be gay you will encounter your fair share of prejudice as demonstrated by God's little angel two comments down, however just keep in mind that you need to be true to yourself before considering what anyone else may think of your decision.

    Hope this helps you..

  • Amer

    Quoting you:

    "If you are gay, you'll know because you'll start finding yourself fantasizing about being sexual with other girls more than with boys. If you are straight, you'll know because you'll find yourself fantasizing about being sexual with boys more than girls"

    What does this mean? All what I can understand from this phrase is that gay people think sexually about girls more than guys and straight people think sexually about guys more than girls... did you mean the opposite? If not I dont get it please explain more.. that doest make sence.

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: This makes sense if the speaker is female.


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