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I Found Out My Husband Is Gay

Question:

Dear Dr Schwartz, We have been married for a while now and we have a daughter. My husband came out to me and his family a while ago and told me he didnt love me anymore. He doesnt respect me and is very inconsiderate towards my emotions and feelings. He is always putting me down, he is constantly angry and seems to hold a grudge towards me for keeping him attached to this relationship. Im at a loss, I still love him and would like things to go back to what they were at the time he still loved me and cared for me. Though he tries to reassure me he has no one, I often catch him looking for partners on a number of websites. I have been strong so far but I think the stresses and pains I have been through are slowly beginning to take their toll. I am at a total loss, not sure where to turn to for help. Family hasnt exactly been able to provide the support I needed due to the lack of understanding on the matter. Are we wrong in trying to make this work? Im trying to trust him and trying to do the right things to make this work but I feel betrayed, and having difficulty trusting him. Is there any hope for us?

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Answer:

You did not "find out your husband is gay, he told you this himself.

It is extremely difficult for everyone to face the fact that a relationship is over. Most people want to cling to some hope for the future based on how good a relationship felt during the past. It is those vivid memories about the beginnings of being with someone that cause us to stubbornly stay with the same person regardless of how bad things are. It is not just memories of events that stay with us but the memories of the good feelings that interfere with our better judgment when we know something is over.

Your husband has come out to you and informed you that he is gay. Now you have a child and the situation is very complicated. Yet, how can either of you remain together in light of this information? Of course, some people in situations like this maintain a marriage of convenience, remaining with one another for reasons of convenience having to do with money, children or other similar factors. A "marriage of convenience" presumes that each member of the partnership is free to pursue their romantic interests. However, what you are asking for is to turn the clock back so that you and your husband can resume your original relationship.

There is a problem in what you are asking for in that it flies in the face of reality. Your husband has stated to you that he is gay. That is not a choice of his nor is this the first example of someone marrying, having children and coming out about being gay. He cannot love you in the same way he did because of his sexual orientation. The fact that he is irritable and nasty to you should provide you with more reason to want to end the marriage.

In my opinion, and please remember, this is just an opinion, there is no hope for this marriage because of the sexual orientation issue. That does not mean that he cannot be a good father to your daughter but he cannot be a good husband to you. In my opinion, you would do better to face the fact, as they are, and move on with your life. Moving on would probably mean divorce so that you each could pursue your individual lives while loving and caring for your daughter.

Good luck

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