Dear Anne, I’m a codependent and I live with my mother. She works part time and I work full time. I help out with the bills and rent and some of her medical bills. Anne my question is. I met this man about six months ago and he’s a hunk. He claims he loves me, and I think I love him. He wants me to move in with him, he’ll pay all the bills and if I want to keep working, I can. He claims he wants me near him so he knows where I’m at. Can you believe that? He really loves me. Should I tell my mother about him. I got to admit, I’m scared, I hope she don’t get mad at me for falling for a man.
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(Editor’s Note: The writer is male) You don’t state your age in your letter but I assume that you’re an adult. As an adult, you are free to choose where and with whom you want to live. If you want to live with a man then, so be it. If it is true that you will not be expected to contribute money towards the household upkeep in your new arrangement, then you will be free (if you wish) to continue to subsidize your mother. The one concern that I have is that you may be confusing possessiveness for love. You write, “he wants me near him so he knows where I’m at”. When I first read this statement (and the one about his not expecting you to contribute money to the household), my first thought was that your new partner might end up wanting to control you, that his desire to have you move in with him may be driven less by love for you, and more by a desire to get you dependent on him so as to more easily control or even abuse you. I cannot judge what the reality of the situation is from your letter, but please do consider the possibility. Otherwise – good luck!