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In Love With A Married Man

Question:

When I split up with my husband three years ago, I turned to a married man at work for advice and comfort. We became involved. He stood by me through my separation, divorce, and custody battle. I fell hopelessly in love with him. We had only a limited sexual relationship because of my problems, but we saw each other at work every day. We talked about the day when my divorce would be final, and I wouldn’t have to worry about being caught. He was honest about the fact that he was not going to leave his wife and children for me, but did promise me that when I was free to date, we would see each other outside work. However, when that day came, he told me he couldn’t cheat on his wife. He told me that it made him feel too guilty. I am having a terrible time dealing with the rejection. I still see him every day. I love him so much. I can’t get over it. He still wants to be close, intimate friends at work, but will not see me outside of work. I feel guilty for trying to talk him into having an affair. I know he is doing the right thing, but at the same time I feel cheated out of what I had my heart set on – being with him alone at my house. Making love in a bed without being rushed or afraid of someone walking in on us. What can I do? I can’t leave him alone. I can’t get another job either.

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below
  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
  • ‘Anne’ bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
  • Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
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Answer:

Maybe you moved too fast with this man. You came out of divorce and fell for the first man to comfort you. You probably need to take a break. Maybe the best thing is to avoid him. Take this time for yourself. Don’t forget, it takes time for a broken heart to heal. If he is not willing to leave his family for you, then there is nothing you can do. Trying to break up his family will only hurt you in the end. You shouldn’t have to leave your job for him, especially if you like it. Go out of your way to avoid him. If he asks you why you are avoiding him, then tell him. He won’t expect you to still be intimate (even as a friend) with him if it makes you uncomfortable. If you keep your distance for a while, then maybe you will realize that you can just be friends with him. It is natural for you to be upset with him, but try not to dwell on the negative. Focus your attention on getting your life back on track. Try and keep yourself busy in your spare time, so that you are not constantly thinking of him. Best of luck, – Anne

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