Question:
I am a 23 year old male, currently single but have had my share of relationships. I had sex for the first time when I was 18, and have never been able to achieve orgasm. As of lately, I have noticed that it puts strain on my relationships because my partners feel like I do not truly care for them (it couldn’t be anymore untrue). I had a rough childhood through family dysfunction and, just lately, I remembered when I was in 1st grade and I slept over at a male friend’s house when his older brothers began talking about oral sex. My “friend” and his older brothers actually began practicing it on each other and tried to get me to do it. All I can remember is becoming extremely frightened, and I think that this memory plagues me, especially when I try to practice healthy sexuality with my girlfriends. I have performance anxiety, and I almost feel like the nervous feelings I get before committing the act curb my sex drive. I don’t know what to do.
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Answer:
When you report that you are not able to achieve orgasm when you are with your girl friend I am not certain what you are referring to. I have to assume that the problem becomes an inability to maintain an erection. Certainly, fear and depression would be major contributors to this problem.
You report that you had some near homosexual experiences as a child that frightened and upset you. While these unfortunate types of things are all too common they can interfere with our sexual lives during adulthood.
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First, it is important for you to understand that, despite that childhood experience, you are not homosexual. I say that because, sometimes when people have those types of awful experiences, they get confused and start to doubt their sexuality. No need for you to do this.
Second, what ever the nature of your dysfunctional family was, it can certainly raise your anxiety and performance levels so very high, that it interferes with your sexual functioning.
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Here is what I recommend:
1. It is important that any type of organic or problem be ruled out. I urge you to see a urologist just to get yourself fully examined and checked out so that you know that this problems is fully psychological. There are some conditions, physical in nature, that can cause this problem and they can be treated successfully with medication.
2. Once you know that the problem is psychological, I urge you to see a psychologist for psychotherapy. Because much of your problem seems to stem from anxiety and thinking, I recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. That, in addition to learning other relaxation techniques, will go a long ways to helping you relax during sex.
3. Lastly, and you can check this out in your psychotherapy, many young men are in a big hurry to have intercourse with their partner. Most women will tell you that men are in too much of a hurry and they would prefer a longer and more relaxed foreplay session. Don’t be in a hurry. Take sex slowly. Relax and explore her body and let her explore your body. Talk to one another, reassure one another and enjoy the sensual experience.
In fact, I would suggest that you talk this over with your girl friend and let her know about your levels of anxiety. If she cares about you she will want to help. Again, do not rush. Go slow with sex. The intercourse is the end part of the whole thing. Its travelling the road there that is most important.
Good Luck
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