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Insane Jealousy

Question:

How can you feel that you are a beautiful woman but still have such jealousy issues such as: can’t stand to see your partner talking or even looking at another woman? 

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Answer:

There are many explanations for why an individual may feel jealous. These explanations are as varied as the numbers of people who experience jealous feelings in their romantic relationships. Please understand that what I describe about jealousy may not be true about you unless you recognize something that seems familiar about your self.

You may tell yourself that you are a beautiful woman without really believing it. There are countless numbers of women who, despite their obvious beauty, think of themselves in the most negative terms possible. Some women explain this in terms of comparing themselves to other women. While they may recognize that they are beautiful, they are not convinced that they are the "most beautiful."

Remember the old fairy tale about the Witch and Snow White? The Witch, really representing all women, peers at herself and asks: "mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?" While the mirror told her that she was the most beautiful she felt fine. However, once the mirror changed and told her that now Snow White was the fairest of them all, the Witch was crushed.

In any case, it has been suggested that jealousy can have a lot to do with how a person "attaches" to other people. In other words, there are those who feel very secure in their personal and intimate attachments. On the other hand, there are those who feel very anxious in their attachments. For those who are "anxiously attached" threats to intimate relationships are seen everywhere. Consequently, jealous reactions are attempts to protect relationships that are viewed as essential to well being and to feeling loved.

There are those who view jealousy as a means to control the other person. This in no way substitutes for anxious attachment styles but gives further strength to that way of being. Thus, controlling another person can be away to keep potential threats to the relationship at bay.

Then, there is the view that jealousy is nothing but projection of one’s own impulses onto the romantic partner. In this way, it is the individuals own wish to "cheat" that gets turned into the thought and fear, "oh, you want to cheat." In other words, this is a kind of paranoid type of thinking.

I could go on with explanations but I think you get the idea.

However you wish to view jealousy, it is safe to say that it carries with it a fundamental lack of trust in other people.

There is a danger that comes with jealousy and it is that it can destroy a relationship. Some people turn to psychotherapy or couples counseling to learn how to deal with and stop this destructive process. That might be a good option for either your self or the both of you.

Best of Luck

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Comments
  • LOLA

    Thank You so much Dr. Allan Schwartz for your warm and sincere response to my issue,you made a lot of sense to me. Even though everyone I know tells me I'm beautifull and have a great figure, I guess like your illustration of snow white I deceive myself from the truth for whatever reason. I will seek professional help from a Dr. or counselor so I may defete this ugly monster.thank you for helping people with you comments/advise,you trully are doing something great. :)

  • Sally H

    I've always been a jealous person. I'm married to a wonderful patient (too patient) man.

    Now that I'm going through menopause my jealousy has exploded into overdrive. I'm driving my husband insane. He is extremely loyal and doesn't deserve this, but I can't stand for him to give ANY attention to another woman unless she's fat, ugly or very old. The more he gives into it, answering my every question about every woman he comes into contact with, the more controlling I become.

    So, I definitely have no rational fear of him leaving or cheating, but I will not stand for any kind of one on one friendship. I do, with more difficulty now than before, allow him to go out ballroom dancing but no special friendships are tolerated.

    It feels at least partly chemical and gets worse when I drink alcohol. I have read that serotonin might have something to do with this kind of obsessive jealousy and have had a little bit of relief taking tryptophan (500mg-1000mg). Exercise also helps.

  • Anonymous-1

    Thanks on this, but my jealousy is for different reasons. Like, wondering how come my sister turned out normal and I didn't! Or, how come my cousin is rich, with a social life, and I'm poor, with no life!

  • TJ

    I need help with my jealousy. Its gotten to the point where i cant even take her talking or laughing with another guy. Theres this one guy who rubs it in my face kinda flirting with her then laughs at me. but if i say anything about it she gets defensive and is on his side. telling me i need to chill out. sometimes even ignoring me. I try my best to just look the other way when shes around other guys laughing it up. It feels like she would be more happy with him and not me. feel like less than man because sometimes she will be so excited and loud and happy but then when its just us it gets quiet and i try to talk but she just seems so unintrested. yet she says im the one..... I need help bad.

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