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Looking At Other Women's Breasts

Question:

I’m 24 and it’s hard for me to look people in the eyes. It appears that I am looking at women’s breasts. I know I like men and am not homosexual. However, I do find myself looking sometimes. What’s going on with me?

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Answer:

Two issues here, I think. The one is your concern that you (a woman) might be harboring some sort of hidden homosexual interest in other women. The other has to do with social skills and social anxiety.

With regard to the first issue where you fear you might have a little homosexual interest. Let’s assume for a moment that you are looking at breasts because they look good to you and not simply because you have social fears, find it difficult to look people in the eye, and are just looking down for those reasons. If that is the case (and it is not clear that it is the case), why would that be so terrible? Sexual orientation is not an either/or sort of business. It is more like most people are primarily wired to prefer one sex over the other, but some people find both sexes to be attractive, and to different degrees. There is much social prejudice surrounding being homosexual, so your average person who occasionally looks at a same sex person and feels some attraction will push that impulse down, but it is there for at least some people, more than they’d like to admit. You maybe have a bit of an attraction to women that you aren’t wanting to admit. In my book, there isn’t anything wrong with that. That is just normal stuff. It certainly doesn’t make you or anyone else a bad person.

You should keep in mind that simply having an attraction is not the same thing as needing to act on that attraction. Heterosexual people are often attracted to multiple opposite sex partners but to one degree or another, choose to keep their pants on and be true (or not) to their spouse or significant other. Even if you have a little attraction to women, you don’t have to act on it.

Maybe this first issue is less about what you find exciting and more about living your life under a cloud of shame and feeling that you have to second guess your instincts because you believe them to be improper (which generally reduces to a fear that you will be negatively evaluated by other people whose opinions you value). Only you can know if this is about shame and fear, but if it is, I encourage you to sit with a therapist for a few sessions and talk out your fears. Life is diminished when you live it afraid.

The second issue is more practical, and it has to do with the fact that people don’t like to be objectified. Whatever your reason for looking at breasts, the outcome is still the same. It’s not nice to stare. People don’t like being stared at; it makes them feel uncomfortable. They will respond based on their own discomfort and not necessarily pick up on your discomfort. You run the risk of alienating people and having them think of you as rude or unskilled.

Remedying a lack of social skill (in this case, the skill is called "assertiveness") is something that takes practice. You need to practice holding your head up, and making eye contact appropriately. You need to practice making conversation. You need to work on managing any anxiety you may have surrounding these social interactions. It is very very common for people with social anxieties to find themselves having a mini-panic attack while trying to interact. It feels like all eyes are on you and you cannot manage yourself and you want to escape. Looking down is a way of escaping for some anxious people. You can read books on assertiveness (and this material in our self-tools self-help book), and I encourage you to do that, but really you need to practice. Working with a therapist on this stuff can offer you a chance to role-play and practice, so I really encourage you to work with a therapist if your issue is assertiveness. Good luck in working this all through.

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Comments
  • Lola

    I think the problem you may be having is HOCD which is more common than you would think. take a look here.

  • Anonymous-1

    i would also add that maybe women can very naturally be attracted to breasts in that we are wired (and subsequently conditioned) to associate breasts/nipples with nurturing, love, warmth , safety and so on... i seem to often hear women remark about finding women's bodies attractive or beautiful...(didn't barbara walters or some such famous woman comment something to this effect in recent years) don't necessarily think, for a lot or most of them, would ever even move into territory of even considering homosexual relations...(especially due to culture attitudes and norms etc)

    many of us (male and female) just find female form (and breasts) very beautiful... and with regards to female homosexuality, probably don't have to think of it in black and white terms as the good doctor suggests... some level of mutual female nurturing (may or, even more likely esp in our culture, may not actually cross some "boundary" into full on sexual) seems to me to be extremely natural/normal, biological...(and this naturalness may, for many or most, still not cross a boundary into "sexual" even in a more open/accepting mileu)

  • erika

    omg i have the same problem am 23 years old. am a female. i look at my co works breasts all the time i need help. i have a boyfriend of 8 years i dont like girl that way but i need help what should i do to avoid looking at her breasts please help

  • Shauna

    I've noticed recently that I find breasts to be awesome parts of a woman's body. I am female and like looking at my boobs as much as I can. I look at their faces too but i just like boobs. I have a boyfriend who I am with for 3 years now. Idk. I even told him that I like boobs and he doesn't mind. People have called me gay in school but I'm not. I simply like boobs. lol

  • anon

    well im male married 10 years with children and just relatively recently, cannot help looking at womens breasts... doesn't matter how attractive they are or not, I just can't help it! I have no issues looking people in the eyes and im quite a confident person in myself, but maybe not a great social person.

    I find that I have to force my stare to their eyes but they can probably notice the physical effort it is costing me. I try my damn hardest not to let my gaze drift downwards, but it obviously does, if fleetingly, because I can tell on their subtle reactions that they notice it, and most women then start to feel uncomfortable. It's definitely a mental issue here, but I really need tips on what I can do to stop myself feeling the anxiety when I start talking to a woman... the anxiety creates a cascade affect.

    If they wear non-revealing tops, I find it much less of an issue, but the more revealing, the harder it is.

  • sahil

    as of above discussions i suggest, boobs of girls is of gods gift.so naturally ther are very attractive.so dont go agauinst to it.

  • Anonymous-2

    I personally went through this experience for almost 10 yrs. I was completly freaked out. It was very off putting to people and most of all it was off putting to me. I am nor have I ever been attracted to women that way. I am strictly dickly!!!. Anyway, it was so bad I basically lost those 10 years because I shut myself up.

    The way I finally overcame it was prozac. Had i not been afraid of medication, I would have resolved the issue long ago. Prozac and therapy.

    I share my experience here today to encourage anyone who might be going through it and need a little understanding. Don't give up. As a matter of fact, challenge yourself and keep yourself out there. Find a good therapist for the cognitive work and a good psychiatrist (beacuse therapist can not prescribe medication) for the prozac and keep yourself out there. Not only will you overcome the issue if you want, you will be better for it - Good luck! stay strong

  • Anonymous-3

    I thought that I'm a straight girl for 30 years of my life. Until unexpectedly fell in love with another woman. And yes, I always had this problem with staring at boobs, I just couldn't control my eyes, like they had mind of their own... It was even disturbing, because I was afraid women would notice, and it would make them feel uncomfortable. Weird thing is, it never even occurred to me that I might be a lesbian.

  • Anonymous-4

    I am feeling very upset about this, I have been through very difficult experiences recently, which led to feeling insecure and underconfident in social situations, which somehow has led on to my being unable to focus on a womans eyes when talking to them, with my focus going to their breasts. I even feel strange even writing this, and cant believe it is happening to me.

    How do you approach this with a therapist?

    Please help

  • Anonymous-5

    I am a woman looking at womens breasts, who has never had any experience of this kind of social anxiety/disorder previously. Could anyone please suggest tipes, causes of social anxiety, how to approach it with a therapist, some inspiration from their experiences. i cant believe that I have found that other people have the same anxiety. How can we stop it?

  • anon

    well, I am pleased to have found this site and chat. I can relate to this issue

    I have never been massivley confident person and I did have the mick taken out of me a school about me breasts and wondered if that was a link.

    It is really weird as it did get worse after a traumatic time in my life, when my confidence was below the floor. Then i found myself staring a woman boobs and then having panics as I felt like a pervert, that they would think i was weird, then i'd think that I was a freak and the whole self consciencous thing got worse. Anyway I have worked on my confidence and it is getting under control. If i was gay then so be it but i dont think i am, i have never been with a woman and the idea doesnt really turn me on. I dont understand it but find it a nice that it isnt only me, but that doesnt help when interacting. I will continue to work on my confidence, I recently did a public speaking lecture at an event where after wards I felt great and it was not an issue at all, so that is the key I believe.

  • Anonymous-5

    I feel that I need to work on it properly with a therapist but am embarrassed to even bring it up! I know it is related to feeling totally underconfident and anxious in social situations, but it is really having a negative effect on my life.

  • Anonymous-6

    I went through the same experience. I am a woman and I was looking at woman's breast for a very long time (and no, I'm not gay). It was all steaming from my insecurities. The answer that worked for me was therapy.

    It was hard to bring it up at first, but once you get it out I was ok, because that's what I was there for, help.

    It took me a while to find the right therapist, which meant I had to keep repeating the problem. After the 4th therapist, the embarrassment of the initial intake, had long past. I just wanted to resolve the issue.

    Anyway, i did, with therapy, medication and meditation. It took a while, actually it took a long while, but I am ok again. no more, therapy, no more medication and no more embarrassing boob staring.

    I wish I found this site when I was actually going through it. After having experienced it, you don't want anyone to go through it, but it would have been nice to know I wasn't alone.

    Good Luck - you can do it!

  • jj

    I have been having the same problem for months now, I am a 29 year old gay man who has never had sex with a woman (and don't want to) but the breast 'thing' started a few months ago and hasn't stopped. Now all women I work with (from old and fat to young and thin) think I am looking at their breasts and, to be honest, I am. It's not sexual in any way, I just notice and my eyes drift, normally when I am bored with the conversation. I've tried focusing on everything I can, eyes, hair, eyebrows, etc, but nothing works. I think its becoming an obsession. I fear they are going to try to fire me for sexual harassment. I am ready to try hypnosis, anything to make this go away.

  • Please Help!!!

    I am a 34yrs old woman and as a last ditch effort I did a search on this. Thank god I did!!! It is so nice to know I'm not the only one. I have this same problem it started about a yr ago but I have done it a couple times prior to that, but it left and there was no problems for a long time after that. Now it has grown into this monster!! I'm unable to control it and want to become a hermit for it. I'm sure I'm not gay. I'm happily married for a long time now but this has just taken on a life of it's own. I know I'm making other women feel uncomfortable. I've even been in that situation myself so I'm well aware of how uncomfortable it feels. I don't know what to do. I've prayed, cried and take herbal supplements. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it. I know people think I'm a perve and well I'm thinking I'm one too. Please Help! I see my life just falling apart all around me. The people in my life has made it their business to inform everyone of my problem, I'm scared I'll loose my job my kids my family. All that is possible, I know this! Someone please respond!!!! Therapy, Yes I'm ready but I really want to talk to someone who has this problem too. It's comforting to know your not alone. It's a very hollow feeling...

  • Anonymous-7

    I just looked back on that note I wrote to this site over a year ago, and the difference is unbelievable.

    Start therapy straight away, I can assure you that therapists deal with a lot crazier issues, and they know straight away that it is caused by anxiety issues rather than being perverted! But, I would try to find a therapist/psychologist, maybe through your doctor (dont have to tell your doctor what your problem is, you can say its anxiety), that works in a government mental health hospital, where psychiatrists also work, and you can combine therapy and medication. Therapists outside of that system might not have as much experience dealing with extreme anxiety disorders as a medical condition, ie they are more touchy feely, 'lets talk' kind of therapists (they might get freaked out, which is the last thing you need!) this problem requires a therapist who is quite practical and medical in their approach, recognises the value of medication.

    Start straight away, and you will feel better straight away. remember, they have heard it all before and much worse!!!!

  • Anonymous-8

    Hi everyone, I am a39 years old woman, happily married and have two kids, and I have the same problem, when I am talking to somebody(men or women) I cannot control my eyes and look at the breast or other parts of body that I do not have to look. I have some phobias too...Does it mean I am mentally done??I am a caring mother and I love my husband. I am a college student in a very good academic standing, but I am really suffering because of my problem. Does hypnosis help. Sometimes I am so embarrasses that I will die... plaese help.

  • Jane

    I have suffered from delayed PTSD from my childhood, and I am just coming to terms with it now. I am learning to release stuff and move on. I do have some bi-sexual tendencies, but I don't want to be staring at women's breasts. The other day a man came into my home and was doing it to me, and it made me think how disrespectful it was.

    I have just googled the subject and found this page. I am really appreciative of all the feedback and honesty on this website. I am doing EMDR treatment with my therapist right now and it is really helping me. I think I am going to talk to my therapist about this on Friday. You guys have given me the initiative and guts.

    I do remember being at college and having an issue of looking at men's penis's for a while, especially if I was in a small office with one. That was pretty embarrassing and discomforting as well, but it did pass. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

  • Jayne

    wow.. It's great to finally find others.

    I am 40 years old, I am not gay, as I have never been with a woman and have no sexual interest in women. I have noticed that when speaking to women, I find prolonged eye contact uncomfortable so I find myself looking down at their breasts. I know I am doing it because of their reactions and it is embarrassing. I do not have any thoughts about their breasts, I just need to get away from eye contact.

    I was teased at school at 14 because I had large breasts and I was bullied at work about 5 years ago by a male boss who would stare at my breast so could there be a link.

    Please help me as I would like to stop doing this, I have many friends and like to socialise but this problem is making me into a recluse because I avoid going out and socialising.

    I did tell my doctor and I had CBT, it went away for a while but it has come back again a lot worse. Please help how can I stop doing this, I am getting so down about it. How do I find the right therapist. Is there any self help remedies I can do. Thanks

  • Anonymous-9

    Thank you everyone for your candid honesty. This condition has plagued me to the point of considering suicide. Some of you explain it so exactly, the uncontrollable, unintentional starring at breasts. I don't have sexual interests in women but I questioned this with this condition. Then I concluded that if I were a lesbian, wouldn't I have discretion in the starring, like pretty cute women not everyone! I work with a lot of women and I know they "feel" as well as see me starring. It has caused severe distress because I'm not doing it on purpose and it is UNCONTROLLABLE. So I thought, OMG I'm turning into a pervert or a lesbian. I could handle being a lesbian if that's what I am but no one wants to be a pervert. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I feel a little hope. However, I need to understand if it has a name and a treatment.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Human beings are sensual in nature and that is why we look at each other. One does not have to be gay to enjoy looking at a handsome man or woman if you are of the same gender. If you take notice, you can see women looking at other women and men at other men. Historically, Ancient Greeks, Romans and people of the Renaissance felt no fear about demonstrating their joy in the human body. In fact, the history of art is filled with examples of artists giving expression to the power and beauty of the human form.

    Let's not forget that we enjoy looking at the opposite sex. If one is okay why not the other. If that is not okay because our partners get jealous then something is wrong. It's our nature to look and it's a good thing.

    In sum, I am pointing out that it's okay and normal to look.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • yamesophi

    there is another comments section where both men and women r having issues with staring at breasts and the groin area. ive been suffering since i was 16 i am now 37 and its been a terrible terrible life. in the other comments section some one said they read a book by a women which i cant remember her name off hand but she discussed muscle memory i believe is what she called it. where your brain much like a computer stores the action and every time you are in that situation it is replayed which causes one to panic which cause one to recall it even more when you are in that situation. the commenter whose name was little miss said the author suggested finding someone you trust to tell and practice everyday a childhood game call who can stare at one another the longest without looking away. she also stated if you dont have someone you trust use a mirror to practice. little miss also mentioned that her therapist stated it takes 90 days or more to see results i hope so because im going to try it out. i just saw the comment today though i left a comment about a week ago hoping someone could give me some advice i didnt scroll down to read all the comments. at anyrate i hope this helps and just a heads up i only paraphraised her post its not verbatium so you should look up the topic under starringor looking at anothers breasts and groin area to see if you can find the comment. she had some harsh words for a fellow sufferers writing ability which i thought wasnt nice seeing that we up here have issues but the information she got from the book seems to be something that will be a blessing to many who are and have been suffering from this terrible condition. i hope success to all sufferers and continued strength to tackle the challange. if anyone has any other helpful advice please email me at yamepa@yahoo.com thanks

  • M T

    I am male and have the same problem. I am heterosexual and cannot make eye contact (intimacy - social phobia) and end up looking at crotches/breasts, etc. To me it seems like the obsession is being socially inappropriate and then you end up being inappropriate. The trigger is a conversation or social situation that you have anxiety over (which is why I can't look someone in the eye.) My compulsion is to look away or look at a wall or turn away or play with a pen or something to ease the anxiety that I might look at a crotch or a woman's breasts. Then you come across as disinterested.

    There is no sexuality to it. I feel so ashamed that it has the opposite effect of arousal - repulsion - regardless of the gender of the person I am talking to.

  • Sad at 39

    Some of the Same issue as others here, I'm female, im a manager of eight female employees all different ages, sizes, races, I'm married. I had lots of trauma in my life early on as a child i suffered sexual abuse for many years. I stay to myself a lot, as I don't like talking to others but with my job I must, i know I'm not gay, even if I was I would not like the staring I do. I find myself looking at breast of every woman even much older and unattractive women. I feel so depressed over it, my employees are always pulling their tops up in front of me, folding their arms over their breast or holding paper in front of them, I don't no what to do.please help? I have large breast myself and I hate them, I try to take attention off them...I need some help!

  • Good Boy

    Hi,

    I am 25 years old male, and I have exactly the same problem as you all people have.....I had decided to commit suicide when my mother shouted on me for this habit. But I canceled the decision when people on a QuestionAnswer site consoled me.

    I can't talk with women because my eyes constantly slip down to their neck or to chest and they try to hide their neck with their hand or cloth.
    One more problem I am facing is that when a women is sitting beside me and I have to look ahead, then instead of looking ahead, my eyes automatically turn to the side to that women sitting beside me.

    This problem started after I read some sex stories on internet before some months.
    I don't think I need to tell all of my experience as all of you people's experiences are exaactly same as my experiences.

    You know it feels really very nice when we know we are not alone with a problem like this. This is why I want to help you people.

    So, Here are the possible solutions I am currently using:-

    Solution-1:

    Use "NLP Swish Pattern".

    This is very effective method to break any kind of OCD or Habit pattern. You can do it your self without the help of a therapist. You can google for this technique. It's every where on the internet. Do not buy this, it's free on the net. ..... I am not posting that method here because of my poor typing speed.

    Solution-2:

    Do not spend much of your times alone. Loneliness is the main cause for most of the psychological problems. You know human is a social animal. Spend most of your times with your friends with whome you feel comfortable.

    Solution-3:

    Go to a public place daily where there are many people of that kind with whome you have problem of uncontrolled eyes. For example many women if you are a man........You can spend time in a shopping mall or any public garden. Look at every people there and let your mind fullfill it's desire to look at the areas of their body.........After some time your mind will get bored of doing the same thing again and again and you will become normal. But do not deliberately look at their body. Just let every thing happen naturally.

    Solution-4:

    Do not keep repeating your problem in mind like "I can't controll my eyes" or "I have this kind of problem" etc. You were actually programming your mind to do the same thing again and again by unknowingly suggesting your subconscious mind to do this.

    Solution-5:

    Do meditation WITH RULE.

    I am not suggesting you to join a meditation class because you may have problem with the trainer if you are a man, as most of the trainers are women.

    Solution-6:

    Visit an exerienced Hypnotherapist. Because only Hypnotherapist can access your subconscious mind which is making problem. They can easily cure this problem with 100% guaranty. I know this because I am learning hypnotherapy too.

    Be positive. You will be well soon. and I hope the same also for me.

  • Anonymous-10

    i am currently showing signs of all including this one.the solution might reducing anxiety :)

    Time to get optimistic about this

    after hitting rock bottom ,i realized there's only two choices. you can choose be driven to the depths of depression or decide to start rising from the ashes one step at a time :)

    thers has to be a solution somewhere on thsi earth ,the must have been someone who overcame this.

    chin up guys...

  • Anonymous-11

    I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments. Its easy to feel alone and scared with this problem and also feel like a pervert. I have had this problem on and off for a couple of years (women's chests, men's crotches and staring at other things that I knew were socially wrong to stare at such as other people's wedding rings and wallets - even though in other ways I am always polite and trying to do the right thing socially and am in a happy long term relationship). It has made me really confused and brought on panic attacks in the past however I got it under control at one stage with regular excercise, herbal anti-anxiety tablets and most of all daily meditation. I got busy and stressed out at work recently so haven't had time to meditate/excercise and the staring thing has come back. Thanks to all the helpful comments above which have made me decide to finally give therapy a go to try and get rid of it for good.

  • Anonymous-12

    Hi Guys,

    You are not alone. I exactly know how it feels and this terrible disorder has been affecting my day-to-day life. I have had this since couple years now and would do anything to get rid of this monster.

    I think the main cause is fear and stress! I think we all (everyone who posted here) are a kind of people who want to do the least harm to somebody, who love/care for others and would always offer help. The fear of not harming/offending anyone or the fear of creating a bad public image creates a sort of tension in our head. This tension is so conscious in our head that we tend to do things that we want to avoid (like looking at private parts).

    I think that we should not let this disorder affect our amazing nature to love/care/help others. We in ourselves are wonderful people and nothing can let us down. Do not lose your confidence and try your best to get out of this mess.

    Here are some ways I think can help. I am trying and will never quit. Here we go:

    1) Focus on what they are saying by creating images in your mind of every word they say. This will keep you busy in creating the images and understanding their talk and the thoughts of looking at their private parts will subside.

    2) Start meditating 30 minutes to 1 hour everyday. Morning meditation is the best.

    3) Do not play your problem constantly in your mind (ie dont keep thinking about it. the more you keep it in your conscious mind, the more it will occure to you)

    Hope this helps!

    BE A FIGHTER! NEVER GIVE UP!

  • Hurt Is End

    Finally I know what's wrong with me and that I'm not alone. I know I'm not gay, but I have this weird habit at looking at breast. I get nervous not because I like them, but because I'm scare they'll notice me and then not want to talk to me and they usually do stop talking to me. I have a hard time asking for help because I'm scare of jugdement and I've isolated myself just so I don't have to go through rejection all the time. I hate this sooo much.

  • Anon

    I am 22 years old, female, I am not gay... but it seems like all of a sudden, completely out of the blue... I started to have this exact problem. When I am feeling social anxiety and when a woman is talking to me, particularly if her chest is showing (the more chest and cleavage showing the worse it gets) I litterally cannot stop my eyes from looking. The most frustrating thing is... I have absolutely no interest in the boobs themselves and yet I cannot look away. It doesn't matter how young, old, ugly, fat, wrinkly, or unattractive the woman is... the woman could be old enough to be my great grandmother and I still have this problem. Ironically, the moment they stop looking at me my gaze relaxes as well as whatever it is that forces my eyes to look at the breasts. It is almost like I am scared of doing it so I do it... kind of like 'don't think of a pink elephant' and you do naturally. It really bothers me a lot because I even do it with my own friends... and again, it's not a sexual thing, im not gay, and im not interested in it at all...but it is just this strange thing that I can't control. I also do feel better knowing that this is a real thing that happens to people. I have never been diagnosed but I am convinced that I have social anxiety, a fear of being close to people (both emotionally and proximity wise), a fear of being observed, and a fear of being trapped in conversation. and I have no doubt in my mind that it is directly related to the axiety and fears than it is with an actual interest in boobs

  • Anonymous-13

    It took me along time to even type this into the search engine..so glad i did.

    I read all the comments through tears and they ring a bell.Finally i can make (some) sense of it..

    Im a long way from asking to see a therapist, mostly through embarressment , but its a start!!

    Thank you for sharing your comments, youv'e made someone you donteven know feel a bit more optmistic about her future.

  • Shadow

    hai all .. i am a man..

    i want to share my experience, so that someone will be aware of something

    i have a modified an old say..

    "by birth we all nice and good personalities, when we grow older by seeing every things around us and how we understand and accept the things really matters! because that defines our life".

    what do you say?

  • Anonymous-14

    I have the exact same problem, a male 37. It happened since last year, i am now avoiding eye contact almost completely even talking to my female relatives. I just feel so tired and helpless, how i wish I can get rid of this habit quickly.

    Any kind soul there please help?

  • sagar

    Hey every nice people out there ..i'm one of you who is trying to close the door for this bullsh*t which have been bothering me for years and years ..i'm 25 male ..and it started like 4 years ago ..
    You know what the main things here is we see it as a problem ..please don't ..you r not doing a crime ..
    We are afraid of being judged and side by side we are judging ourself sub-conciously ..
    just don't be afraid of seeing the things which is shown ..take it normally ..drown deep in the conversation and after a while you feel good and your confidence comes back ..
    i can say it because i deal with this every f**king day and finally i think i'm kinda doing fine with it ..because it's all your mind playing games with you ..the more you think about it the more it gets worse ..
    Just love yourself more than anything else ..seriously.guys you can't please everyone ..if they judge you ,let them ..live your life and stop being worry about what people has to say ..
    just exercise to improve your self-esteem daily ..when waking up in the moring or while sleeping at night ..
    thank you everyone for share you life ...
    hope this is help a lil bit ..

    life is beautiful if you try to see things differently ,all you need to do is live ..
    love you all ..

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