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Losing My Sex Appeal?

Question:

My husband and I have been together for almost 2 years now. In the beginning, before we were married, he was very interested in sex and so attracted to me. Shortly after we were married he lost interest. We’ve had many problems since then. He doesn’t enjoy sex very much now, and has told me so. His energy is low and he’s irritable a lot. I try to be a good wife. I keep the house clean, along with working a full-time job – I do whatever I can to make him happy. But he’s not very happy. My sex drive is a lot greater than his and it’s driving me crazy. I’ve tried everything as far as being more spontaneous, initiating it. I guess I’m emotionally devastated that he doesn’t want me in that way, like when we first met. What can I do to make things better in our marriage and make him want me more sexually?

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

Give it time. Almost every couple goes through a dry spell. Stress is one of the biggest deterrents of sex, and everyone gets stressed out. It sounds to me like you’re blaming yourself for your husband’s irritable mood, when, in fact, it is probably outside forces that are affecting him. I suggest you sit your husband down and have a talk with him. Let him know that his lack of interest in sex is affecting you. I can’t tell you what is affecting your husband’s sex drive, but he can. Try and not come off as pushy or demanding…let him know that you are concerned about him. Whatever if affecting him is affecting you as well. It is possible that your attempts at seduction were just poorly timed. Very few men are ready for a roll in the hay after a long day at work. Have you tried initiating sex when he’s probably a lot less tired – such as a Saturday or Sunday morning? Take care, – Anne

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Comments
  • what I think girl

    You messed things up by scoring before marriage. I'm not asking you to be a fundamentalist or a practicer of any religion but did you know that statistically, couples who wait to have sex until after marriage are much more likely to stay together? Now listen...I know this is 2010, but in the back of most people's minds is the habit of accepting many traditional customs as being more respectable, special and/or "ideal" (even regarding people who may not consider themselves very "traditional").

    I already told you a little about a study conducted, where the couples who chose to wait until after marriage to have sex stayed together longer than those who had sex before marriage...not only that but there were less problems in the marriages whose couples waited. (Surprisingly enough, there were couples who were not regular practicers of any religion who had chosen to not have sex until marriage in this study.)

    In my opinion, (AND based on the facts of statistic/research), the reason your husband stopped wanting to have sex with you was because he lost respect for you. (After all, the whole idea of throwing out the tradition of getting married before having sex is STILL pretty new.)

    You see, before, your husband felt he had a choice as to whether or not he wanted to have sex with you...yet he knew the whole time that he had the freedom to leave and find someone new whenever he wanted, without much social consequence...and let's admit...guys (particularly boyfriends rather than husbands) do that ALL the time...(choose to leave when THEY want, that is).

    In addition to his loss of respect for you, he also may feel stuck. He knows he can't just up and leave (well he could if he really wanted to but it would be a much bigger deal now that you are both married). Feeling that he doesn't have a choice in who he can have sex with now (because I assume he takes the marriage commitment pretty seriously), makes you less desirable. Before, you were boyfriend and girlfriend but now you are officially committed to each other... BY LAW!

    Do other married couples struggle with the whole passion thing regarding sex at some point in time??? Sure they do and often for both partners there is a slight (to sometimes moderate) psychological block (after marriage) whether they waited until after marriage to have sex or not. The psychological block often has to do with the usual "lack of spontaneity". Knowing how "expected" sex is after marriage and, well, that sex is kind of a, REQUIREMENT to keep the marriage balanced may make it feel like an obligation sometimes. Team all of what I just said in this paragraph with the fact that men are more horney than women yet also more visual and generally less satisfied with the idea of ONE sexual partner and the idea that most likely your husband has less respect for you (since you didn't SHOW him that you are WORTH waiting for) and you've got a pretty significant problem! You should have MADE him see that you think of YOURSELF as SPECIAL enough to be waited on.

    Okay, okay, I know I haven't offered much of a solution yet but it's coming...

    Please hear me out here...I'm not trying to say all of this so far, out of judgement. I'm in my late 20's, and am no prude. I've learned from my own mistakes/trial and error.

    It never failed to change the relationship greatly when I decided to "put out"...(and it never ended up being a change for the better).

    How can you REALLY know if someone loves and respects you if they are not willing to commit to marrying you BEFORE sex, especially since men's sexual urges can far outweigh their hearts and minds...(although to give them a little credit, this isn't ALWAYS intentional) lol

    So...with all of that said, although the marriage didn't exactly get off on the right start, I would suggest that you go to counseling as a couple. If he really loves you (and I will assume that he does) and you feel you love him enough to fight through this issue (and it sounds like you do) : )then, hopefully you will both be open to seeking help as a team about this. I don't know of your financial situation, but most cities offer some kind of free counseling...and as a last resort (I only say that because I don't know if you are religious or not), if you have to seek council from a church, I know there are many that offer free counseling to couples.

    I hope you will find the courage and that the right words will find you so you can communicate with your husband about this. I also hope, with all of my heart, that your husband is willing to prove his love to you by making efforts to change whatever needs to change so your journey together will grow and improve sexually, emotionally and spiritually. My thoughts and prayers ARE with you!

    (btw, I use caps to emphasize not to yell) lol

    Wishing you all the best, sincerely...

    Oh yes... and to all you women out there...you have a much better chance of knowing if the relationship is something that will last if you put your man to the test and see if he is willing to wait for you.

    Good luck to all of you reading this! :D

    -Peace-

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