Question:
I know you will probably say ‘just love yourself’ but I’m asking this question simply because I cant. I can’t love myself and its making me stressful and depressed. I cry every night how no one would ever love me. How I am ugly, worthless, imperfect. I must be perfect or why am I even alive? It came to a point when I look at a mirror or a photo of myself, I’ll note every single flaw of me for hours, and I mean hours, like 4 or 5 hours. every. single flaw.
Do you know how this feels? Always putting yourself down? It feels so miserable. I’m miserable. I just want to stop this. Then I’ll say to myself “Look at you, You’re beautiful, okay?” But then a voice in my head would talk back like, “Do you even believe your own lie? You are miserable. Loser. Ugly. You’re ugly.” And that voice just won’t stop.
AdIf I just sit there and listen to myself I’d probably end up by suicide. And actually with every try of being perfect I ended up more and more miserable. My speaking has become way too fast. I can’t laugh without covering my hands over my mouth. I’ll not go outside because people will see just how awful I am. And my ‘perfectionism’ created my anxiety.
Also, I stopped eating because I thought I would be more pretty. I’m 5’6” and 92 lbs. My face is still too fat. And if somebody loved me or tried to be my friend I’ll do the same thing to them. I always thought they were too ‘ugly’ for me.
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AdI always pushed people away from me. I made myself unreachable. I told too many lies to my ‘bestfriend.’ She thinks she knows me but all she knows are lies. I lied about everything. From simpliest things to biggest things. I also daydream too much because I have a dreamworld where I am perfect and everyone loves me. It’s just so wrong, isnt it?
I’m just so messed up. Please help.
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Answer:
You are really describing many of the symptoms of a person who is struggling with an eating disorder, especially, Anorexia Nervosa. In that disorder, there is a lot of self hate for what the patient considers to be the way the look. Here, too, there is a lot of self criticism for their various physical features, especially weight. Your insistence that you are ugly could be BDD, body dysmorphic disorder, or a distortion about how you really look.
Along with anorexia comes a focus on being perfect. The thought is that by being perfect there would be a sense of control over life and being above anyone’s criticism, especially yourself.
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You have lost a lot of weight and are too thin for your height. It’s important that you find a good therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Also, anorexial and BDD come with lots of depression and anxiety. You may or may not need to be on an anti depressant medication until you start to feel less self criticism and accept your body a lot more.
If I’m right, it’s important for you to know that these eating disorders are dangerous because they can harm health and are life threatening. That is why getting help is so very important.
By the way, no one is perfect. What is more important than perfection is doing the best we can do with the understanding that the best we can do is far from perfect and that is alright.
Lastly, learning and incorporating meditation into your life and into your psychotherapy, can go a long ways to quieting all of that self hate.
Don’t wait. Get help now.
Best of luck
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