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Second Marriage

Question:

Hi there,

I am 30 now, was 24 when I got married and was 26 when I got divorced. I was in a abusive marriage where there was no love. In between, I was dating a guy who was cheating on me but I was madly in love with him. However, I eventually had to end it all.

I have been out of it and its been more than a year. Now is the time to settle down, as everyone is pushing me to do. Every now and then I get proposals. The problem here is that every guy I meet, no matter how good looking they are, I feel that the connection is missing. My mind and heart start fighting within me. My mind saying all good and my heart doesn’t feel the love or doesn’t beat the way it should.

I am stuck in the same loop and not sure what to do ? Recently I was introduced to someone who loves me a lot and is happy to do anything for me but still, I don’t feel the same way for him. I wonder if something wrong with me ?

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Answer:

You have been in two unsuccessful relationships, one with an abusive husband and the other with a man who was cheating on you. It is no wonder that you are not rushing into a new relationship.

What is concerning is that you are not asking the most important question of all: “Why do I keep getting into relationships with men who hurt me?” The danger is that, if you do not find the answer to that question, you will continue to be with the wrong men.

Studies show that certain people move from one abusive partner to the next or that they stay with a person even though they continue to be abusive. My guess is that, at least part of the reason for picking the wrong men, is that you ignore the warning signs of possible abuse.

For example, the man you just met told you that he is in love with you. How can he be in love with you if he just met you? That is a question you need to ask. In point of fact, he cannot be in love with you so very fast. If anything, his haste may be a sign that he is impulsive and, therefore, possibly abusive in the future. By impulsive what I mean is that he cannot control himself. I don’t know that. What I do know is that this is the way you should be thinking.

You need to learn the warning signs of a man who could turn out to be abusive or unfaithful. Those signs are always there but you need to learn them. For example, does a boyfriend get angry very easily. Is he overly nice too  much of the time. The man who says he loves you could be one of  those. He is too nice and that is another reason he could be the wrong person.

I urge you to enter psychotherapy, especially with a therapist who is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist so that you can learn more about how to spot the wrong guys and avoid them.

By the way, it takes time to get to really know someone which is another reason why that man cannot know that he loves you. The same is true for you. Don’t worry so much about your heart fluttering. Find out if a guy will turn out to be the right guy.

Best of Luck

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