I’m 24 going on 25 and I have an absolute hatred of myself. My mother had/has MPD, (Multi-Personality Disorder), and I do love the “real” her. However, it’s hard to get into but, one day I would have the greatest mom ever and the next day I would be the stupidest, lower than nothing, worthless child that ruined her life.
I was bullied heavily in school and then I would go home and be mentally tortured. I had no escape from it ever. I now have no, and never had, self worth. I dont think it’s possible for me to have any self worth. I don’t blame her because I know about MPD but the question is, I’ve tried everything possible to get some self worth. I mean at least caring what happens to me because, truth be told, I don’t think I call myself innocent in any of this because I’m not.
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I am guessing that you do not realize that you are the victim of childhood abuse. The terrible things you endured at home with a mentally ill mother, and at school with kids who were bullies, mean that you have suffered more than your share of trauma.
There are several things you need to know as a surivor of childhood trauma and abuse. First, children from that type of background commonly blame themselves for their problems. That is why you insis that you are “not innocent.” Of course, you were and remain innocent. The things that you suffered were not your fault and not the result of anything you did. No one wants to have a mentally ill mother and no one wants to be bullied.
Second, it is impossble to have any sense of self worth after having gone through the kinds of things you have experienced. That does not mean that you have to remain that way. Psychotherapy will help you learn how to increase you sense of self worth and stop hating your self.
It is not just simply that you are a survivor of abuse but, even more, that you experience what is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The fact that there was no escape is typical of PTSD. All of these are the reasons why I want to stress to you that you enter Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). You need to find a licensed clinical psychologist or licensed clinical social worker trained to do CBT so that you can learn how to think more realistically about yourself and without the self hatred you feel.
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You do not deserve self hatred. As we say in positive psychology, everyone has strengths and talents. You have them to and you need to be freed from your negative thoughts so that you can focus on all that is positive about you.
Best of Luck