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Sexual Fantasies

Question:

What are the implications of sexual fantasies? I found out that my husband has homosexual fantasies and has been exploring them on the Internet. He says he is not gay, but the issue bothers me.

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

Many people have sexual fantasies about people other than their spouses, but this does not necessarily mean that they would actually like to be with another person. (Consider that many women fantasize about Tom Cruise or Burt Reynolds, but that doesn’t mean they would actually have a relationship with them.) This also applies when the fantasy is about someone of the same sex (or opposite sex, if one is homosexual.) The fact that your husband fantasizes about men does not mean that he is homosexual or would actually want to be with men. The internet is a very safe way for him to explore a fantasy without carrying it out. Why is this issue upsetting to you? Is it because you think he may not be satisfied with you? Because you think he might take his fantasies to real life? Or might it be because you are uncomfortable with the homosexual implications of the fantasy? Once you can articulate your discomfort to yourself, then you will be in a stronger position to discuss it with your husband. When you are ready to discuss this issue with your husband, make sure that you present it in as non-threatening manner as possible (i.e. “Your fantasy makes me feel…” rather than “Why are you doing this?”) Keep in mind that this may be a sensitive matter for him and try not to push him too hard. He may not be ready to respond to your statements right away, but getting it out in the open will most likely make you feel better, and will let him know your reasons for being concerned. Hope things work out, – Anne

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