My girlfriend and I tell each other sexual fantasies to get in the mood for sex. The recurring theme is me having sex with someone else, either with or without her. This turns me on a fair bit but, for her, to a much greater extent. She will often encourage me to insult her on her poor sexual abilities in comparison to our fictionalized “other woman” or on her looks and body. Though I often don’t mind doing this, I do it solely because she wants me too and she gets such sexual pleasure out of it.
Is this masochistic behavior something I should be discouraging because it may be a mask for some psychological issue or something that could lead to problems down the track? Thank youAdAd
- Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
- Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
- Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.
When it comes to human sexuality there is great variability about what some people will find stimulating as compared to others. The fact that you and your girlfriend enjoy sharing sexual fantasies as part of foreplay is actually a good thing. Both of you find it exciting, both of you are willing to mutually share these fantasies and both of you get pleasure out of this.
I suspect, making an educated guess, that you experience some discomfort about her fantasy. You seem to fear that it could be a mask for something else that could eventually cause each of you a problem. It is possible that you may be worried that she may want to move from fantasy to reality about having another woman join the two of you. However, she has never mentioned this to you, so far as I can tell from your Email. You may also fear things getting out of control because of her fantasy.If you need reassurance about this the two of you could talk it over. In fact, it’s important for lovers to be able to talk with one another about these things.
By the way, none of us can force someone to give up their sexual fantasies. If you try to then you will only succeed in her not telling you them. That would reduce some of the intensity of the sexuality you share together.
Have a talk together, which in my opinion, is always the best for lovers to do.
Therapists are Standing By to Treat Your Depression, Anxiety or Other Mental Health Needs
Best of Luck
More "Ask Dr. Schwartz" View Columnists
Designed to Help You Feel Better Daily
Download Now For Free