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Trust Issue

Question:

A few months ago I came across my boyfriend’s photos of his ex when he connected his Iphone to his personal laptop. I was not happy and asked him to remove them. I made it clear that if I was the only one who mattered, he should throw the pictures away. He was not happy at first but still promised to delete them because I was the most important woman to him.

But recently I went to his office and realized all his exes’ photos were saved within separate albums under their individual names, and there was one album under my name too. Even after he promised me to remove all the photos, he only removed those pictures of his exes from his Iphone only to save them somewhere else.

I just wonder how much his ex girlfriend meant to him that he’d rather lie and sneakily keep them?  And because I was so pissed the moment I found out, he deleted them right in front of me.

It still has me hanging. I feel I’m of no difference from those women. I don’t feel as important as he described, and I can’t trust him. Now all the pictures are gone but I still feel awful. It just bothers me that he’d rather keep those pics knowing that it put our relationship at risk.

Now I don’t know what to do?

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Answer:

Your’s is a compaint I get from time to time from a certain number of women. There appears to be a few men who need to keep photos of their exes despite being in a new relationship. More rare but nevertheless true is that a very few men keep photos of their divorced wives even after they have remarried. The reasons for this are very unclear.

There is no question that keeping these pictures is going to arouse feelings of doubt, lack of trust and jealousy in the present girlfriend or wife. What is interesting, at least in the cases I am familiar with, is that the photos are always discovered. Again, the reasons are unclear except that this is not good for a healthy relationship.

Of course, one of the things you could do is ask your boyfriend why he kept those photots? If you do this, it might be surprising to discover that he really does not know. Nevertheless, it could be a helpful discussion if both of you could refrain from arguing. The only reason for the discussion is to  help rebuld trust in one another.

However, there is another important question that might be worth pursuing. How serious is your relationship? What goals do each of you have for the relationship and do the both of you share the same goals. Perhaps you are looking for marriage? If so, is he? Does he view this as a permanent relationship or just one that is temporary because he is dating and has no future plans for the two of you? Certainly, if both of you are serious and want marriage then the photos have no place in your lives. Therefore, you need to clarify what you both are looking for in being with each other.

One more factor to discuss is whether or not it occurred to him that finding those photos would hurt your feelings? If he is serious about this relationship then how you feel should be of prime importance. So, once again, you need to clarify what both of you want in the future.

Best of luck

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