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Trust Issues

Question:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now. We both have a problem trusting each other and are constantly fighting. I have found messages from his female coworkers saying stuff like “hey sexy you have two hot and horny women waiting for you” also I have met four of his ex-girlfriends and his ex-wife because they are still poking in and out of his life. He lies to me a lot and recently I found he has been ordering porn on our cable on a monthly basis as well as on the internet. This bothers me a great deal because our sex life has been very unsatisfying. He has been turning me down more and more. When we do make love he usually stays behind me as if he doesn’t want to look at me and a lot of the time he is unable to stay erect. I spent a lot of time consoling him that it was okay that it happens to lots of men. I was devastated to find he was doing the deed often, and without me. He begged me to forgive him and said he wouldn’t do it anymore. I love him with everything I am and want to believe him but its so hard to trust him when he’s lied so many times before. How can I help my insecurities so I don’t drive him away as he does not like to be questioned and I cant seem to help it causing huge fights. What should I do?

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  • ‘Anne’ is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
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Answer:

Your man has some problems, not the least of which is he has a problem with intimacy. He may be in a relationship with you but he sure has not committed to you in any emotional sense. His use of pornography, his avoidance of face-to-face lovemaking positions and his refusal to end relationships with these other women all suggest that he is too scared (or insensitive?) inside to become vulnerable with anyone but himself. I think your sexual and emotional life together will suffer unless you can get him to agree to not use pornography anymore. As for your insecurities, well, the only one that I really see here is perhaps fear you may experience over leaving this man. It is normal and good that you should not trust this guy when he has been lying to you. I have a lot of questions here. Is he having affairs with these other women? If he is – are you protecting yourself from the possibility that he may have contracted sexually transmitted diseases from other partners (by insisting that he wear a condom?)? What is it that keeps you loyal to this man who doesn’t seem to be able to partner with you (or with five other women before you?) What should you do? I think you’ll need to figure out what your limits are with regard to his behavior and then to have a talk with him to let him know what those limits are. I then think you will need to walk away from him (even if you love him and even if he begs for forgiveness as he certainly will do) if he crosses over those limits. In the mean time I think you and he should go for couples counseling to work on the lack of intimacy that exists between you. Good luck.

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