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Why Am I Gay?

Question:

Why am I gay? I know I am deep inside but I am married (to a woman) and no one knows about my secret “night life”. Why did I turn out this way????

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Answer:

The complete set of reasons for why people turn out to be gay or not are not completely understood at this time. There will probably always be some uncertainty surrounding this area, which is “fuzzy” by nature. Homosexuality is a behavior as well as a sexual orientation, and people may engage in it for various reasons. Not everyone who is gay will be gay for the same reasons. This being said, the available evidence points to a biological basis for sexual orientation in most cases. The mechanism is not fully known, but in-utero exposure to particular hormone concentrations at sensitive periods of development may play a role. However the biology of sexual orientation configures itself, it does appear to write itself onto the brain. Imagining studies have shown that particular areas of the brain develop differently (are on average different sizes statistically) for homosexual and heterosexual men, for instance.

Speaking for myself and other psychologists, your orientation is best considered a part of normal biological variation, just like some people are blond and some have black hair (but there are fewer natural blonds). In other words, don’t be ashamed of yourself. You didn’t make yourself gay; it just happened, probably somewhat randomly. You can’t control what you are attracted to without effort, and homosexual contact between consenting adults doesn’t hurt anyone so long as reasonable precautions are used to limit transmission of disease.

Well, not quite in your case. There is the very real issue of adultry with regard to your marriage and wife and that is not cool, but neither does that have anything to do with your being gay. Lots of heterosexual men have multiple affairs too and that behavior carries similar disease risks and isn’t emotionally or morally cool either. As I see it, the pressing issue you face right now, the issue that will be most harmful to people you care about, is not your homosexuality; it is your infidelity.

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