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Why Am I Gay?


Why am I gay? I know I am deep inside but I am married (to a woman) and no one knows about my secret “night life”. Why did I turn out this way????

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The complete set of reasons for why people turn out to be gay or not are not completely understood at this time. There will probably always be some uncertainty surrounding this area, which is “fuzzy” by nature. Homosexuality is a behavior as well as a sexual orientation, and people may engage in it for various reasons. Not everyone who is gay will be gay for the same reasons. This being said, the available evidence points to a biological basis for sexual orientation in most cases. The mechanism is not fully known, but in-utero exposure to particular hormone concentrations at sensitive periods of development may play a role. However the biology of sexual orientation configures itself, it does appear to write itself onto the brain. Imagining studies have shown that particular areas of the brain develop differently (are on average different sizes statistically) for homosexual and heterosexual men, for instance.

Speaking for myself and other psychologists, your orientation is best considered a part of normal biological variation, just like some people are blond and some have black hair (but there are fewer natural blonds). In other words, don’t be ashamed of yourself. You didn’t make yourself gay; it just happened, probably somewhat randomly. You can’t control what you are attracted to without effort, and homosexual contact between consenting adults doesn’t hurt anyone so long as reasonable precautions are used to limit transmission of disease.

Well, not quite in your case. There is the very real issue of adultry with regard to your marriage and wife and that is not cool, but neither does that have anything to do with your being gay. Lots of heterosexual men have multiple affairs too and that behavior carries similar disease risks and isn’t emotionally or morally cool either. As I see it, the pressing issue you face right now, the issue that will be most harmful to people you care about, is not your homosexuality; it is your infidelity.

More "Ask Dr. Dombeck" View Columnists

  • tommie

    I hate it so much i dont like feeling this way for another guy i want to be with a women but it doesnt work out. Do i have to accept the fact that im gay?

  • s**t

    i so f**king confused...

  • James

    I've been with a man for 11 years now. Only recently met a woman who I could talk openly about myself. She seems to think I can choose to be with women. I just can't seem to convince her it's not a choice with me.

  • Anonymous-1

    Listen to this guys podcast. It might help any men who are grappling with feelings of same sex attraction.

  • Anonymous-2

    People are NOT born gay, documented fact taht there is no gay gene, most likely tere was something that happened in your life to convert your thinking. for example most people molested by gays become gays. it may have been something like being only male raised with all sister and no male role models. There is a cure in Jesus Chrst, Seek and you shall find it

    Editor's Note: Ignorance, fear and prejudice motivate comments like this. It's worth publishing however, if only because this sort of view is so prevalent.

  • Kent

    I have been married for 12 years and while I was on a buiness trip she decided to go on my side of the computer and read all the email and im I have sent to this one man I was meeting in LA on my business trip. That was October well now I am seperated and she says that loves is sometimes not enough to be in a marriage. Please tell me someone what do I do she left last Friday and I am finally coping but tonight she said that her family would never let her be with me again. We are not seperated legally or divorced she just moved and I am divestated. I have begged her to come back but she said she needs time to work on herself. I am so confused because I love her with all my heart and got into the porn becuase she never made love any longer. Please anyone help would be appreciated. I have the 2 kids and she moved 3 hours away and I am having the hardest time with all this. Please help

  • Anonymous-3

    I was married for 25 years. I was committed to that marriage, although, in the end, I failed with a man and admitted it to my wife. The combination of the 25 year dudrums and my infidelity caused the demise of my marriage. I am now in a 3 year relationship with an incredible man. However, I sorely miss my former life, despite the problems. My former wife is so bitter, but I would go back to her, solely, if she asked. That will never happen. I am now formally gay, albeit, suffering from much remorse.

  • Sam


    Recently my wife found a website I was a memeber of (all male Gay Hunt Site) she was devestated and angry. I have always known I was Bisexual. Since the age of 14 I have had sexual encounters with as many males as I have female. But my wife decided to give me the chance to show her my committment to our 23 years of marriage. I love her very much an know that my life would never be the same without her. I kept this secret for so many years and always thought I could avoid my gay side. As the internet madre it much easier to access this dark side that I kept from her, it also made it easier to try and live both sides. Fortunalely my wife learned before it was to late and with all this being out in the open now it makes it much easier for us to discuss and be open in ways that greatly helps to prevent the temptation one is lead into when hiding the truth.

    My suggestion is to continue to be truthful to your wife and continue to show your love. If she really really Loves you and wants to save you marriage she will com arround. Take note: This is not going to be easy

  • bill

    I read this and see all the other people who grapple with the same things I do.

    I am married and I truely love my wife and still find her attractive. Yet I really feel alive during gay sex.

    I do not look at other woman as they do not do anything for menor do I find myself looking at men that way.

    I would love to be able to talk to my wife as she is the best and only friend in the world to me but the subject makes her angry which I understand.

    I have told her but she says it is just a fetish.

    It is difficult no matter what.

  • Anonymous-4

    I've been married for 24 years and have two teen sons. I've known I have a gay side since I was around eleven. I spent two years during college living primarily a gay like style. I decided that having a family and kids was most important, so accepted my gay feelings, but choose not to act on them. All these years I have kept it inside. However, I am not close to my wife and haven't had sex with her in the past seven years or so I remain married to be with my kids. Their mother is very neurotic and would drive them nuts if I wasn't around to maintain balance. In the past year, I have had a couple sexual encounters with men. I don't feel like I am cheating because there is no love between me and my wife - only a commitment to our kids. She, nor anyone else, knows about my gay alter ego.

  • Steph

    I'm 16 years old and I think I'm gay since I was a child, I was surprised to recall that in my age of 7 I was already fantasizing men, and I'm attracted to men. Now I'm 16 years old and I'm keep on fighting my feelings of being gay, and I now feel less attraction to men, but no attraction to women. I'm now trying to keep and make myself attracted to women, though it's really hard. I just don't know what's up with me, I just can't accept myself as gay, I'm keep on fighting. Sometimes there are nights that I'm just sobbing all night, telling myself "How I wish I was straight". I always think of suicide whenever I feel sad about myself as being gay. Please if you have some opinions about me or some help to give, please send me an email.


  • Anonymous-5

    I've been confused all of my life about sexual orientation. I am a Christian, and believe wholeheartedly based on so many other truths that have become clear in the Bible that I am more than likely disobeying God and that this is a form of sin. I truly believe that, and I'm fighting to overcome it. I don't have any attraction to men in how they look, but for some reason the oddness of gay sex(two women or two men) excites me. It's very depressing, and it only stirs feelings of guilt/shame/frustration. I have been in hetero-relationships and have actually had sex, but I was often thinking of two girls in my head while having it. I honestly hate this part of myself, I can't stand it- I have been blessed with so many great qualities, but I feel like having a truly honest, loving relationship with a woman that gradually develops into a family is something that isn't in the cards for me.

    God's word rings so true in every other facet of my life, and if you read the Bible and grasp all of the prophecies that have come true at a later date- it's seriously uncanny. Plus, coming to God late in life- my personal journey has proven in my heart that Christ is real, and he loves all of us. I'm coming to the conclusion that my gay feelings are my cross to bear. It sucks(lol), but hopefully living in faith will eventually lead me to understand why God has this plan for my life. Indulging will only lead to immediate gratification and an enduring pit of shame/selfish self-loathing/separation from the love that our Creator intended to provide for us.

    My best rationale for those who are struggling with this issue is to dive into the bible daily and read scripture. I can't promise that it will eradicate your desires(hasn't worked for me), but I will acknowledge that it saved me from my darkest days and gave me hope. Plus, diving into the word can help you when urges for pornography or unlawful sex hit you the hardest. May God bless all of us who are struggling with this pain. Keep fighting, and try your best not to give into those self-indulgences. I'll do the same.

    Btw- I am intending to spend some more time investigating homosexuality in the Bible. So far all that I've found is that it was associated with Jewish directly dedicated to that of the Israelites- God's original chosen people. It's basically in the same area as when God enforced daily sacrifices, and not eating pork. Most of those laws were cultural and necessary for the people at that time, but were later considered either unnecessary through the fulfillment of Christ, or unnecessary due to changes in modernizing cultures. However, when laying down Israel's cultural law, the English translation viewed that God felt sex between two men was "despicable". That word indicates to me that even if that was deposed in cultural law only pertaining to those Israelites, God still takes issue with it. I do intend to review the actual Hebrew some more though to verify the actual translation.

    I honestly feel Christians who judge those of us in this situation harshly are sinners in their own right. They are equally human, and equally found wanting in sin. However, I do feel that those who pridefully blow away the Word without looking into it with an open mind (or out of worry that accepting it will force them to sacrifice their own self-indulgences) are equally ignorant. Read the Bible, go to church, encircle yourselves with people who have your true best interests in mind and hold you accountable- find God, and may you find faith and hope. We're only here for a short period of time...may we save our eternal souls. God Bless.

  • Not so confused anymore

    Whether it is a genenic trait, defect, hormonal imbalance, whatever, I can assure you, you cannot choose what you are attracted to. You could choose to marry a woman, choose to delude yourself into thinking you want her sexually, but after a long period of denial, the sexual urge towards men grows and become overwhelming. That is not a choice. And, by the way, I grew up in an average family and have never been abused in any way.

  • John

    In reading this and struggling with bisexuality myself I just would like to make a comment of what I've seen. It seems like the fallout came from the infidelity, and not so much the homosexuality. I think you can decide to act on feelings or not. I remained a virgin till marriage and that was a choice many times. I had to choose not to put myself in certain situations and who I would spend time with. One might be homosexual in attraction or heterosexual for that matter, but when you say I do, that's supposed to be forever, to that person alone. Life is not always easy or happy, but you decide who you will have sex with. The question is less about being gay and more about being comitted... Because it seems that even if you left your marriage and were with a man, your infidelity would not leave you... There is help in various church groups that will support you, but you must accept both your attractions and the seriousness of your comittments... (you can try exodus for support groups)

  • Anonymous-6

    It is all so cunfusing. I am a lesbian and I don't know why. My father is a Pentecostal Pastor and I am just Taboo to my whole family. I have tried to be with men but it does not work? I am just disturbed

  • will

    iv been gay for a while now and im in a happy relationship with another man. My addvice is dont let anyone tell you who you are be true to yourself.everyone will accept you aventualy. X

  • Tom

    I can sympathize with the guy from Kent above. Hope it works out for you my friend. I have been in a 13 yr relationship with a woman and have had a string of infidelities with both women and men. I can't explain why - sex addiction? They are all brief encounters mostly when drunk, and i know that is no excuse. I am in a world of deep shame and regret, my partner is everything to me..I have admitted most of the infidelity, 10 episodes or more over a 13 yr period. I am very depressed and have been having suicidal thoughts. I know this is not an option - we have 2 young children...they deserve only love..i want to be strong for them, the sense of shame is difficult to deal with, though. There is no easy answer i know, all i can do is except what has happened and do the best I can for everyone involved.

  • Anonymous-7

    You don't have to feel totally f**ked up about relationships.

    I think that the fear and confussion relates to the gap between social pressures and the reality of our instinctual drives. Sex helps us pass on our genes and improves our survivial prospects not only in the ordinary way but also because the mutually pleasurable activity increases emotiinal attatchment and means we will help each other more. There is a survival advantage to sleeping around. However this is mediated by the need to survivie in a social context. Lying and cheating are noraml and natural and they are a way of protecting yourself. The fear and anxiety relates to the memeory of parents and caregivers bearing down on you and backing you into a conrner and asking you why tou lied about eating that chocolate cookie. It's not the cookie it's the lack of trust they tell you. Well all that might be true but the main reason for being so agressive about all that is so they can create an internal drill seargant in your head who will tell what a pathetic piece of shit you are when you don't behave the way they want you to. It is much more effective than keeping a constant eye on you. You are taught to keep and eye on yourself. Think about it critically. You don't want to hate your self for sleeping with someone, or define yourself because monogomy is the ideal. Sure Monogomy hetrosexual or homosexual are convenient for society but why should you sacrifice your happiness for society? WHy should you make a choice once and for all so that other people know how to relate to you? Why is hypocracy seen as such a bad thing. People behave differently in different social situations, it's natural. We all behave in a way that could been seen as hypocrticial. IS it really so awful to compartmentalize your life. Trust is not an either or proposition and there is a reason why cindarella gets married and lives happily ever after. Society didn't used to want to know about what happened after marriage it just wanted to sell the idea. Then people started behaving all shocked that cinderella didn't live happily ever after and that mummy and daddy lied. Grow up mummy and daddy lie all the time what is important is that they give you what they can. Just because Cosmso magazine told women they needed to throw their husbands onto the rubbish pile if they didn't live up to the multiple orgasm delivering prince charming who does everything you want, cooks cleans and over powers you only when it fulfills a fantasy and never when you don't like it. Modern society really needs to learn that a little bit of hypocracy is much better than starting from scratch all the time and swinging from elation about the next projection and disappointment. Sleep around if you feel like it and stop sleeping around if you don't you can always start again if you like. Just tke responsibilit yfor yourself don't blame your partner or start hating them because you did something selfish and don't be so f**king judgemental if your choosing to be a good boy or girl. Your adults and there is no formula for happiness. The great thing about being a human being is adaptability. If we are in prison and there are no women to be intimate with we can develop relationships with men. If we feel very close to somone and need to feel good we can take the opportunity to feel good. There are just as many unhappy faithful relationships as there are happy unfaithful ones. In case you didn't notice happiness comes and goes. So don't let the internal moralist make you hate yourself. If you have a boyfriend and your a man the only important thing is that you have to relate to that person. If you meet a woman tommorow and things go well with her you don't need to panic about switching labels. I'm gay, oh no I'm straight Oh I'm bi-sxual. These are just political and social labels that are convenient for society so people can decide how to relate to you. The only identity you need is your name and the rest can be situational. I did this with this person so it means nothing ore than that. Identity is about which club or group you join. You may even get a mebership card or a passport. Don't let it define you when your not engaged in an activity relvent to that club. They don't own you. Your wife doesn't own you, your family doesn't own you, your gay friends don't own you, your company, country or religous cult does't own you. Your just a mamber and breaking the rules is not as bad as the club would have you believe and if they kicked everyone who brok the rules they wouldn't have a club.

  • glen

    for the one who is struggling and wonders what the bible says about this, i have some verses on the new testament that will help you make up your mind about God's feelings about this

    Romans 1:26-29

    1Corinthians 6:9

    those verses plus all in the old testament stands as a prove that God does not enjoy the behavior concerned...... I believe that God has all the power to help anyone to overcome this kind of behavior the same way as he always help overcome other things that we know they are not good but then we fail to control ourselves..............

    i know you can do it and i will pray for you....

    Editor's Note: It is not the case that all people in the world understand the bible as an infailable and/or literally true document. Accordingly, it is not the case that all people view the sentiments quoted as proof of anything more than that the authors and editors of the bible were, at times, willing to record homophobic sentiments for posterity. In this issue, as in a few others, science and faith are at odds, and one has to choose which worldview to accord more weight to. If you are a person who values critical thinking and who rejects arguments based on nothing more than naked authority (e.g., "because I said so"), there can be only one reasonable choice -> science.

  • george

    i am 59. i was brought up in a different era, when gay was "queer" and queer was just plain wrong. being male meant that i would meet a woman and get married and have children. well, i did that. but inbetween my first and second marriage, our society was undergoing some changes. i worked with several men who were not-very openly gay, but clearly were gay. obviously, this piqued my curiosity, and i wondered about that. i didn't feel gay, but in an era when sex was readily available at the drop of a hat (early 70s), it was easy to consider different things. i found myself turned on by the articles in penthouse magazine, went out and picked up a playgirl magazine just to see what all the noise was. lo and behold, with my first whiff of a playgirl, an erection came! shortly thereafter, i had two gay experiences. neither was totally satisfying and i went back to women (for good, of course...hah!).

    then, got married, had kids and shortly after began fantasizing (my wife read playgirl, so i did too when she wasn't around). i never truly thought that i would engage in homosexual activity...just liked masturbating and thinking about it. we finally got divorced and i began dating women again, but that old gay thing was in the back of my mind, moving forward.

    about 11 years ago, i decided i had to meet a man and see what this inner attraction would lead to. that first man scared me out of my skin - i was terrified that i had enjoyed it so much. after much soul searching, i sought him out again and he and i enjoyed a sexual relationship for a couple of years. in the meantime, i was meeting other men and loving it.

    i recognized my gayness then, and though i havent fully accepted it yet, i am working on it right now...that's one reason i am on this website. why did it take so long? i have no idea. can i ever get fully out of my closet? i really don't know.

    anyway...not sure if this person's perspective helps anyone, but getting these words out of me always helps me. thanks for listening and for others sharing.

  • Rick

    There have been so many studies that have shown that being gay is NOT A CHOICE! People are born with it. Gay people have differences in their brains like having a larger hippocampus and they have longer ring fingers and also they have more developement in the creative parts of thier brains. These studies are so vastly ignored by society's bigotry. I am a gay christian minister who knows the Bible and how people have misinterpreted it. When Paul talks about "giving them up to burnings of lust for women with women and men with men" her was ONLY referring First to giving up individuals who practiced homosexual acts during worshipping IDOLS. THE SIN WAS NOT BEING GAY IT WAS NOT WORSHIPING GOD AND WORSHIPING IDOLS!........they were called temple prostitutes and were very prevalent form of worship of idols. In Leviticus homosexuality was condemned because they had no idea about homosexual love only homosexual lust was considered a sin. but then they also condemned and put to death anyone who masturbated or ate pork, or ate shellfish, or didn't wash themselves after sex, or had sex during menistration.....the list goes on and on and on. Society has ligitimized their bigotry against gay people descized in religion as it did interracial marriage and even churches said that black people where not human. Religion has propigated bigotry for too long and people just dont get it! Jesus said, "Judge not yest ye be judged for as you judge you shall be judged." He went on to say that if you point a finger at other people and judge them then you will be judge back TEN FOLD! This is in the same bible that you use to discriminate. So people GOD LOVES YOU AS YOU ARE! GOD MADE YOU! GOD IS LOVE! SO LOVE THE PEOPLE GOD CHOSE YOU TO LOVE. And you others who judge watch out for YOU ARE the ones committing the sin.

  • robin


  • John S

    I hate when openly gay people encourage others by saying, "be true to yourself" or "being gay is okay"


    Not everyone wants to be gay. I wish I was never this way. I hate gay people and everything they stand for. Some of us want regular lives with regular people. We have families that hate gays as well.

  • Allan N Schwartz

    This last comment is an excellent example of homophobia and pure hatred. The comment, "be true to youself" is NOT meant to encourage heterosexuals to become gay but to encourage those who ARE gay to face it and come out of hiding. As to why you have such hatred of people who are gay is a mystery but, then again, there are people who just hate and for no reason.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Will

    I have been married for a long time and I have strong gay desires. However, I love my wife and if you choose your actions (just accept your feelings...don't try to deny , run away from or surpress them) you can still live by your values. If guilt or shame arrive as thoughts just notice them and accept them as being a part of you. Your basic godness or goodness is there. Your gay desires can feed your compassion, gentleness and love for yourself and others. People with a gay side are so loving and understanding. In one way it's a gift you can use to find the true meaning of your life. One thing I'm finding it hard to deal with is internet gay porn and obsessive sexual urges but again I am accepting that they are desires and that they are a part of me. But I need to control my actions not my feelings. You can accept your thoughts, desires, and feelings but you don't have to act on them. Your actions you can control but don't try to control your feelings, thoughts, or desires. You are beautiful...find that beauty and accept that as well. It's the real you.

  • WT

    I can't say that I was born gay but I am 18 and since I was around 11 I have been having gay feelings. I had a cousin that moved in with me in the fourth grade , because his mother died. He wasn't as disciplined by his mom as I was by mine. He knew more than a 10 year old should and he taught me how to masturbate and eventually it got into physical contact. At that time I didn't know any better because I didn't have the father figure to teach me about sex and my mother just never did it. I feel wrong because I am a christian and a commited 2 moral wrongs at once because he was my cousin. I personally hate this side of me and I can't stand knowing I am gay. I have never told anyone about this and neither do I plan to. I date girls and I have hopes of becoming straight. I even pray and ask God why Im this way. I am tired of people writing and telling others to accept being gay. Its like telling an overweight person to eat more. Sorry if that may sound ignorant but its true. I think if you don't think that your doing the right thing then hyour probably not.

  • Anonymous-8

    I'm 21 and a virgin i've never acted on my gay feelings mostly because i'm afraid of being killed by a family member because i'm middle eastern i don't know what to do exactly i'm not attracted to women i wish i was i try to force my self but it never works. i've felt attracted to men since i was 7 and when i was in the 6th and 7th grade i was very attracted to men i never thought of myself as gay but i guess i just couldn't admit it I always dreamed of marrying a girl and having a family. I know that all sex before marriage is a sin even if your gay or straight and i take being virgin very seriously but i'm catholic and i can't even have a realtionship with a guy even if were not going to have sex which is not fair. i just want to hold some in my arms or someone to tell me that they love me. i have so much love to give but no one to give it to. I just want to be with one person i don't want to become a horro at a bar or club i don't think sex is casual its very serious i don't know what i'm so suppose to do if i i'm not allowed by my church and family to marry a man what am i suppose to do lie to women and hurt her in the end if she finds out i'm gay. i can't imagine my life being all alone i don't understand what people expect me to do if i can't just shut my feelings off i just want acceptance and love i didn't ask to be gay and i don't know why but i'm sure i'm born this way because sometimes people can tell that i'm gay without me doing anything at all i'll just talk or just be myself a little bit and they know its not fair i don't even talk in a girly way. So what should i do killing my self is not an option.

  • Anonymous-9

    The Twelve Step Sponsorship Book says that same-sex sponsorships are preferable in heterosexual relationships where sexual attraction is not an issue. LGBTQ - find a sponsor of which ever gender you are least likely to find a love interest in.

  • Todd

    At 26 years old and totally confused and depressed with my inner feelings towards other guys, I went on a round-the-world trip and en route stumbled upon an asian society that do not recognise men as 'gay'. This is seen as very much a western persona creation. Guys grow up and may have sexual encounters with girls or other guys - you are not pigeon-holed or labeled as in the west. Many eventually marry and have families, but sexual experiences throughout life do not have to identify you as a certain catagory of person based on beaviour. The experience was like a new awakening for me and I am now comfortable being who I am regardless of where my relationships may take me.

  • Anonymous-10

    I don't want to gay it's how i have all ways been i have done my best to not be this but i cant . i have all ways tryed to stop just like some said to just except it no i don't want this i hate it i wish it would just go but it never does . why? , i hate when people say they should not be gay and stop the nonsence but i cant just say stop i just all ways been this way no matter what i do

  • coldtears

    I'm a 21 year old lesbian and i have been into a relationship with a woman for 2 years now. here's how i dealt with my sexuality.

    Denial. I got into hetero relationships and sex just to prove to myself that i wasn't a lesbian. I faked love and forced myself to fall for a guy. But at the end of the day i would find myself day dreaming of becoming a man and kissing my girl bestfriend. i was really scared of being a lesbian because everyone would say that you'll never find love and there is no real relationships in lesbian couples. Machismo runs in my family and my brother always discriminate gaymen and women. I was scared of being different. curiousity. after realizing that i was realy attracted to women i began to search online about being a lesbian, joined an LGBT online group, and read books. i started to know more about me and my emotions. I saw gay couples who had lasting relationships and good careers. the future for gay people aren't as bad as my brother said. acceptance. I realized i was a lesbian and if i hide it i will never be happy. I'll be hiding the best art of me if i dont come out. I'm happier now and people can see it. i don't treat my sexuality as a cross to carry, rather i see it as my wings., coming out. I went out of my ckose, dated women, i they as if i'm a lesbian i said yes and left so liberating. And my closefriends would always say "i've always known from the start." as it turned out, they know me more than i thought. Reaching out to others. I don't flaunt my sexuality but i dont hide it either, and i felt the need to reach out to those who are confused and in pain. There are so many gays out there who are suffering and they need help.

    i'm happy now, and because of that, my siblings and friends are also happy for me. together with some friends we founded an LGBT organization in our university so that we can help others and make heterosexuals understand LGBT. Discrimination on LGBt in my country often leads to prejudice an violence, we felt the need to tell them that being gay does not make us less of a man. We deserve every right that our country bestows on its citizens and it should not be limited by our sexuality.

  • Anonymous-11

    im 17 and i have had gay feeling since I was atleast 8.. It is hard having to hide my gay feelings from my family, and friends they just wont understand. They all think being gay is a sin and u will go to hell, so i jus cant tell them, they also epect me to have kids and get maried soon and that jus WONT HAPPEN. Having these feeling have push me away from my parent and friends an i feel more like a loner...

    But now since this is my last year of high school going to college, i think will have to be my only chance to be myself and find out who I REALLY AM.....

  • Brian

    Bieng gay is not a disease or sin. If people beleive god loves you for who you are then being gay cant be any different. I beleive god knows everything about us before we are even born, so if bieng gay was a sin why would we be born this way? I've knew i was gay since i could spell it. I dont act camp or shuv it in peoples faces as i am who i am and dont feel the need to show off. Im a very sporty person so coming out was a big task for me as no one had the foggiest idea i was gay. I come out when I was 19 and it was the best thing i have ever done, everyone i am close to still remains the same and dont look at me any differently, people who dont know me might have things to say but they dont know me so who cares? Also i went through really bad depression due to the fact i was gay and got really bad shakes ( Stress and anxiety ), why make your self ill for the sake of some one else having to judge you, it makes no difference if your straight bisexual or gay, people are always going to judge you and have things to say about you all of your life. In the end i thought why should i live my life like this just to keep other people happy? Its your life, you live it for yourself no one else. Lifes to short to be living with regrets so live it! The easiest way to do it is tell some one you really trust to get used to the feeling of people knowing about your sexuality, you will automaticly feel a huge wieght off your shoulders and soon discover you want to tell everyone else. That was the feeling i got depending on your situation it may differ as everyones experience is different.

    I could sit here all day and tell you guys my experience but i have to much to tell, if any one just wants some one to talk to id be more than happy to have a chat with you, email me or add me to msn messenger.

  • Dr.Z

    I'm sorry but I must say that our impression of who God is doesn't change who He truly is. We may think that it is okay to be gay because "God loves us." Sure He loves us but only when we do what is right in His sight, and only when we do what is righteous. In other words, God does love the sinner, but He doesn't love the sin or the sinful act in which the person is engaging in.

    Biblically, being "gay" or homosexual is considered a sin. If you refer to the King James Bible in the book of Leviticus chapter 20 verse 13 you will find the truth. It lies directly within this scripture which says "if a man also lie with mankind as he lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination...."

    This verse also applies to a woman who lies with a woman. Any creature that lies with the same sex is committing an abominable act against God and his principles. Unfortunately we did not write the bible and what we think is okay is not always okay with God. The same scripture also repudiates a man having an intimate relationship with an animal: "and if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death." Notice that the term "death" is metaphorical. Essentially, these are "no-no's" according to the Bible.

    It really doesn't matter what we as humans think, ultimately it is the One who wrote the laws of life and nature that truly counts. We can superficially adjust laws, our perspective, our beliefs, our values, and our lives, but the Ultimate One truly has the last say. This doesn't mean that homosexuals should be disliked or treated harshly in any way. But they should certainly understand that the political and personal debate of homosexuality is less of a political feud than a spiritual and moral one.

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: If outright gay bashing is full-on hateful, then this sort of speech is hate "lite". It wants to be seen as tolerant, but at its core it is both intolerant and smug, and designed to shame: to make people feel bad about themselves for the crime of being who they are. It is also shifty, in that the individual writing the comment takes no responsibility for his or her hate and intolerance, but rather falls back on the Nuremberg defense: "I was just following orders". The commenter is certainly entitled to his or her opinion, but I urge people reading this comment to consider, for the reasons outlined above, that this particular opinion should be dissected and learned from but not particularly taken to heart.

  • Dr.Z

    Dr. Dombeck, we have an obligation (APA, ACA ethics) as mental health providers to help individual's when it is appropriate to decipher between truth and fiction. We are here to inform, not persuade. The previous comment was not intended to harm, conform, or convict. Rather it was a correction to a statement made by Brian. He stated that homosexuality is "not a disease or sin." According to biblical principles and theological research, it is. I'm sure you would not teach, for example, philosophy or science without correcting a statement that a student incorrectly injects.

    It is truth that homosexuality is a sin according to theology and because this is a well-established discipline, it deserves proper understanding.

    What I think is most harmful is that readers are not free to be informed about a discipline or area of study without being subjected to political and secular belief systems.

    My opinions are not going to affect the lives of the readers, but the opinions/rules of God (if there is to be a "last judgement day") will. Readers cannot properly "dissect" a philosophical/theological area of debate without theological/religious knowledge, which is what I intended to instill.

    To persuade readers to believe that what was stated was to exhibit "hate" is more political than it is truthful. I would hope that futher readers would be informed objectively about the things they may state that are contrary to the truth. The belief system of a discipline or religion should not be undermined by political and personal introjection.

    Again, no one who identifies as homosexual, bisexual, transgender, or gay should be mistreated, hated, or disliked. However, it is fair to reveal to individual's who are incorrectly representing a field of study the truth. Until we are capable of producing sound scientific evidence to the contrary of philosophical/theological truths, we must not persuade readers to assume all conversation of homosexuality is "hate-speech."

    You may want to weight the evidence (I would encourage you to beyond these resources):

    Poverbs 24:23-24 Bibliography for Facts About Sexual Orientation Genetics and Homosexuality: Are People Born Gay? frontline: assault on gay america: a 'gay gene?': is homosexuality inherited? Is there a homosexuality gene? Homosexuality and Christian Faith: A Theological Reflection Catholicism and Homosexuality Bibliography: Theology

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: You are trying to have it both ways, by which I mean you are trying to suggest that you are amenable to scientific evidence and at the same time appealing to a revealed and fixed truth that is metaphysical/divine and independent of evidence for its truth value. In fact, science and faith are based on incompatible worldviews with very different understandings of how to pursue truth. There is no room for revealed truth in the value system underlying the scientific method. All knowledge is approximate - a model based on a best understanding of how things work and supported or undermined by evidence. The truth is something you zero in on through successive revisions based on accumulating evidence. In contrast, biblical truths are revealed and fixed. They are simply true (if you are of a fundamentalist/literalist mindset). They do not change over time and their reality and truth do not depend on a reasoned argument or on evidence. Thus, the term "research" means very different things when used in a scientific vs. a faith-based context. It's quite fair to talk about scholarship in the context of faith (similar to what law or literature professors do), but an appeal to evidence based research is out of place.

    You are also assuming that the best default position for this "debate" is that the bible version (your interpretation of it anyway) is the starting place, and that the burden is on science to show otherwise. This is simply incompatible with how science works. In a scientific worldview, the Truth is unknown, and people propose a model of what the truth may be, understanding that it is approximate. There is no "begining" truth which is assumed to be true until proven otherwise such as you are proposing only competing theories which stand or fall based on a rational and objective-as-possible examination of the evidence (which is something other than an appeal to the bible, but rather an examination of the actual behavior in question).

    To summarize, you have a confused understanding of the compatibilities of science and faith. These are not compatible worldviews when taken to their logical extremes. You either accept that a revealed truth is True (at which point you cannot appeal to the scientific method anymore), or you accept the scientific method and give up the idea that such a thing as revealed truth exists. If you want to be internally consistent (and not everyone does) you have to choose.

    You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but then so am I and mine remains unchanged. I believe that this is an ethical issue at root, based in the inequitable treatment and stigmatization of a sexual minority for reasons of historical prejudice, not reason. You appear to believethat the prejudice is justified and should continue based on divine grounds. We will have to agree to disagree here, as there is no other good resolution.

  • Christopher

    I bet you my life GOD does not hate gays!!!! Those who think so will deffinately know when the end comes! God knows.... I was born gay, I remember liking guys before I knew what sex was!!! And now it seems like the world is trying to make it look like GOD hates gays, because society hates gays. I have been a victim of homosexuality hate for many years and even tried to be straight and that totally didn't work for me! When will it be accepted? Why am I being the victim of this worlds hate? Please emai me and tell me why I am right or wrong. My email is .I have tried to be what this world wants me to be and it has turned out to be the biggest mistake I have made.

  • Depp

    It is so easy for religous people to throw the thats what God wants speech, you know what I dont mind that I may not have sex for the rest of my life, the real problem to me I dont know how to exist, I cant be my self cause that awkwards people around me, I cant be around my kind cause I would have to condone them, I just dont get how to live my life, willingly, all i can think of is how sweet is death i dont want to struggle with my mind anymore with an everlasting cycle of whats right and whats wrong and how to actually think.

    And most of all, I am sick of not knowing what I am cause by questioning the idea of that I cant be gay though I am gay, its basicly imprints a perception of "I can only live and do the things I do not feel I am"...Its certainly depressing.

    Who cares though lol..I really barely feel that even God cares.

  • Mark

    For a guy, in my opinion, one's sexuality is determined by how he feels about his ability to be masculine when puberty hits at around age 14. This is controlled by the family dynamic you grew up in - not by you. For example, if your dad is having sex with your older sister and they are close, and he is rejecting you emotionally - not giving you verbal encouragements when you are still too young to love yourself, then this can brainwash you into thinking that you are a loser at being macho. As a child, you'd think "wow, even a girl is better at playing sports than I am - because you blame yourself for your dad not loving you and seeming close to your sister. Or you could be the youngest of several brothers who is bullied by the older brothers and not rescued from it by your father. This, also could sabatoge your good feelings about your masculinity. There is a range from being 100% straight (then if you used a weaker guy as a "bottom" it would be a choice) to 100% gay and every shade inbetween. The more strongly gay you are the harder it would be to choose to only act on your heterosexual side. The sex fantisies you get in puberty will stay with you for life, in your dreams, etc. no matter what you do. The most you can hope for if you try to change is to add some heterosexual fantasies (each time it will be work and not your natural sexuality) to be sort of bisexual. You do it by examining why you didn't feel good about your masculinity during puberty, and doing macho things, such as military service, to prove to yourself that you are indeed as capable as heterosexual guys at successfully doing common masculine behaviors. If you choose this path, be careful not to sneak around on the "down low" having anonymous sex with others like you. Even with protected anal sex, you can still catch herpes and the HPV wart virus (which can't be cured) from unprotected oral sex. If you have gay sex at least be a serial monogomous guy - only one guy who you have protected oral, anal and any other type of sex with at a time. You can find another bisexual type - but dump them if they are too sleezy and treat them as if they already have every std.

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: One problem with the ideas expressed in this comment is that the comment assumes that gay men don't feel masculine. This is simply not the case. Some gay men do feel and act quite masculine, and others don't. Similarly, not all gay men are flamboyant and "on fire" (although I'm not even sure that there is a relationship between flamboyancy and masculinity). Masculinity is not the same thing as sexual orientation at all. Certainly, troubling family dynamics are very influential in the developing emotional lives of boys and young men, but mostly these dynamics do not directly make anyone gay or not gay.

  • John

    Let me start by saying that I am a man in my thirties. I have lived most of my life unsure about my sexuality. I have had relationships with many women. I am sexually attracted to women and always feel sexually charged when they are in my company. My dilema is on the emotional level. I have never been able to maintain a long-term relationship with a woman (over 1 year). I am always dialed in when the relationship is new and when the chemistry is intense. However, when the relationship continues and the sparks subside slightly I have not been able to develop a deeper emotional connection. I have had crushes on women from elementary school and into college, but I have also had a curiosity towards men for as long as I can remember. I have an interesting family history. I am the youngest in birth order and have three sisters. My parents did not have a loving marriage and fought often throughout my childhood. I would say a full blown screaming match would break out at least once a week. That still stays with me. I see a therapist now and realized how bad it was to see my parents fight constantly. The worse part was that they never made up. I have been very hard on myself for not getting over it, but then realized that it was not my fault. My parents never showed affection towards each other and their altercations were heated and violent. For a while I saw my father as the evil one because he yelled the loudest and used the most curse words. Now, my mother's role is more clear. She antagonized my father the silent assassin. Surprisingly they are still together. My parents are now civil, but still far from a loving couple. Still to this day I have not bonded with my father, but I also don't see him as the vilian I once did. When I was a kid it was a chore to do anything with him. Not because he was a bad person, but because he was the outcast of my family. My parents have not shared a bedroom for as long as I can remember. My father even ate dinner standing up. Aside from a few vacations, we rarely did things as a family. I tended to lean on my mother for emotional reassurance, but we were not very close either. My mother never doted on me and often compared my shortcomings to my more motivated peers when growing up. For a goodlooking man, I developed many insecurities which has contributed to my lack of comfort around women. In short, I felt very alone during my childhood. A father that I was not able to bond with, sisters that had each other, and a mother that was not dialed into me. Individually, my family is great. I must have experienced the perfect storm. My male friends were my first family. The people I felt the most comfortble and safe with. My home was not a happy place...lights turned off early, everyone in their own rooms, few smiles and laughs. I will say that since seeing a therapist for two years now I am a much happier person. My confusion is still there. It is a constant struggle, but I get by. I have never had sexual encounter with a man. I think it could be a lot of things. I have had no point of reference as to what a normal interaction with a man should feel like because I never connected with my father. My physical insecurities historically has made me feel uncomfortable around women (under the microscope), but that is much improved. I also have that draw to men. It is hard to explain...almost a giddieness. I feel safe and comfortable when I am in the company of men. Around women, I feel insecure and inadequate. My preference is to be with and love a woman, but I will accept who I am when it becomes more clear. Thanks for listening!

  • gary

    For those who have used the Bible as an argument that it is wrong to be gay--that is fine, I was raised that way as well & have always struggled with my gay feelings (sexually abused as a child by same sex older person & therefore have not wanted to accept same sex desires). But I would caution those who've stated: a. just start dating the opposite sex b. pray it away, c. study the bible & you'll find the answer. My personal experience is that your sexuality goes to the very core of your being. PLEASE DON'T GET MARRIED thinking that this will CURE you, or get rid of your desires. This is something that unfortunately (if your belief system is not in agreement with being gay) that you will deal with for the rest of your life. I was raised in the church, went to a Christian university, told my pastor of my desires, got married & had kids. You may be able to cover those same sex feelings for awhile, but your true nature is going to come to the surface at some point. What happens then? Your spouse will inevitably find out (I even told my spouse b4 marriage, but told her I didn't want to live a gay life & she wanted to be part of "curing" me). Well I eventually started having sex outside of marriage with other men, & of course now she is bitter. We're still together, in reality, only for the kids, as we have one child with special needs. I made the decision I cannot have a sexual relationship with her, as I know myself, what I truly want now. It's not fair to her, nor fair to me, to try & "play the part of someone else" my whole life. Not to mention the possibility of exposing her to a sexual disease. In summary, it sounds very easy to just say "pray it away, read the bible & it will give you deliverance". I did that for years, with occasional failures--saying God has forgiven me, & I will continue forward. That may be ok for you, if you're alone. It's NOT OK to do that by involving a spouse, who is not going to be so forgiving. It's not fair to them or to yourself to get into a marriage. Bottom line--if you masturbate & 99% of the time think about same sex partners, DONT GET MARRIED. That is not going to cure you. It's only going to bring you & others into much heartache.

  • Anonymous-12

    Dr Dombek,

    I think it is important to provide this gentleman with the whole truth. According to the American Psychological Association:

    "There is no consensus among scientists about the exact reasons that an individual develops a heterosexual, bisexual, gay or lesbian orientation. Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors. Many think that nature and nurture both play complex roles..."

  • ray

    could it be an addiction?

  • Zeren

    I love being gay. I have the best friends and the best family. I came out when I was 14 back in 2001. Everyone at school found out and that was hard but afterwards its been fine. I've been in a commited relationship for almost five years now and we have a house together.

    All this talk about God hating "gays" really offends me. I wouldn't mind but God doesn't actually exist. If all your evidence is based on an old book then I'm sorry you really need to change the record. There is way to much hate in this world without more people using religion as an excuse to 'cleanse' the world of sinful people. Its just ridculous. It God wanted me to be straight then he would have made me straight. Simple as.

    Oh and Brian love, you really need to come out the closet. Its so much nicer living outside in the real world



  • Aussie-Boy Still in denile

    Well I've known that I was gay from the age of about 3-5yrs? Well when I say that I knew I was gay at about 3-5yrs, what I mean is I used to dress up like a little girl around those ages. I can remember wearing singlets with a belt so it made like a dress. I also used to act like my little girl friends', etc. However around the age of 5 1/2 -6yrs, I started being attracted to men (no lie). I remember I was infatuated with a boy in my class, OMG I thought he was so hot! Any-hoo by the time I was 11-12yrs I knew that I was GAY!!!! So throughout high school I learned really fast how to 'hide' it (yeh right). I know that my family have always suspected but have been too polight to say anything (and I mean that my family are too polite and a little bit in denial as well) but when I was 8 and again when I was 9, my brothers had a chat with me (on separate occasions) and told me that know matter what (in a nut shell) the still loved me, and would accept me (my god this really makes me emotional).

    Well any-hoo I'm still SOOOOOOO afraid to come-out (SOOOO afraid) for the obvious reasons i.e. what will people think, how will I cope, etc. I just cannot understand for the life of me why it is so tabu to be gay. I mean isn't it normal? Are we not apart of life? So therefore I don't understand why it is so difficult for us once we come out, I mean I'm shit scared to come out because (well and I'm in denial, lol) of the repercussions! I don't see why we should have to be afraid to be who we are? But thats life I guess. I think society should try to be sooo much more accepting of us, and of 'difference' in general. But I guess this is the real world where people really do care about sexuality and 'OMG that persons a homo'.

    Anyway thats my point of view and I just so ADMIRE the people that can come of the closet and be true to themselves, one day I hope (with anticipation) to be one of them.

    Aussie-Boy Still in denial!

  • Fallon

    Someone left a comment about hating gay folks for asking or convincing gay/bi/les to come out and be true to themselves..I say kuddos to that person for the simple fact that while some people are comfortable with being gay, some arent or are still fighting with the feelings BUT on the other hand if you are going to come out or whatever, DO it for yourself AND not because some gay man or woman wants or needs to have a coming out party....It is not easy dealing with the feelings at all, especially when society can say cheating is a "normal thing" while being gay or bi is soooo abnormal, seriously?!

    I dont hate gay or bi or lesbians because they are people who just happens to be different sexually thats all!

  • jonathan

    Hello, my name is Jonathan . I come from a very religious family and for as long as I can remember and even to this day , my church condemns gay people for the very fact of leviticus 18 22 where it reads "one shall not lie with a man as one lies with a woman , that is detestable", which has always interpreted in my church as thou shall not be gay .... As I get old and older it is becoming more of a challenge to hide the fact that I am gay . People at church as me when I am going to get a girlfriend or .... am I looking for a girl .. I always use the same excuse , " oh once I am done with college I start worrying about girls" .... but I have never had a real girlfriend... and I have never been serious with a girl... I remember dating this girl that lived down the block from my house and always feelin so out of place . I would try to seem interested but it felt weird.... she told me once she has a suprise for me and she wanted me to go into a small abanded shed behind my neighbors house .... obviously wanting to have sex in the shed....I could tell by the loose cloths and the way she was talking . I could feel myself getting hotter in the face... ( i was blushing ) ... I knew I couldnt do it so I made a lame excuse and basically ran away . Having sex with a girl seems ackward to me . I can't find any piece of me that would find that fun or normal . I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET =(

  • Jose

    Would like to say that being yourself is key to having some sense of peace with your sexuality.

    Some people like to think if you can't get out, then go in further, but this only seems to make things worse potentially feeling depressed to the point of wanting to suicide. If your in this downward spire, i would suggest to cut your losses before someone you love or yourself gets seriously hurt.

    The easiest and best thing is to start off with the truth, unless the truth gets you in severe trouble, then maybe a fresh start in a new school, a new job, or a new city helps best. From there it shouldn't be a hassle to start with the truth. It's easier on the mind, i can tell you that from personal experience.

    I graduated, moved out, got a job and re appointed my life as gay. and it's worked out MUCH better. I was never flaming and out with buttons and rainbows, but i never did lie when a buddy for the first time tells me about how some girl is hot, and i might think otherwise and let them know who i think is hot. ha ha I did create a lot more friends this way, even with strait men, which i think is funny. If you can become comfortable with yourself then you can make friends the right way, which opens up many windows when you feel trapped with in your own life.

    I myself was and teach myself christian values, and i greatly feel frustrated with ignorant people at times.

    I don't choose to be gay, i don't choose to be the most hated person in the world, but i do want to continue doing my best in following what i can do the right way.

    I do know what the christian bible reads and i accept it to be truth. If i think homosexual acts in my head then i have already sinned. Whether or not i physically act on it no longer has any precedence on me being gay (according to any one who follows the bible) . I will continue to look forward, enjoy today, worry about tomorrow tomorrow, and do my best to help anyone in the slightest way that i can.

  • Stewie

    I consider myself to be gay, and have done so for many years.

    I lived a gay lifestyle in my teens and 20's (am 50 now) but back then it wasn't as easy, or accepted as much being gay, so i tried the hetero lifestyle, got married and had 3 children.

    I had a few casual gay relationships during my marriage, but it got to the point where I couldn't deny it anymore. I told my wife, cost me a house and heaps of money. Told my children, and they were the most accepting of the situation and I get to see them and the grandkids regularly.

    My point is, at some time you are going to wake up and realise you have been living by fooling yourself, and it is unfair to thosde you love.

    Accept it, move on, as I have done and am now in a long term loving relationship with a wonderful guy.

    Love life, love yourself

  • Caleb

    I have been in denial about my sexuality since I was in fifth, grade, since I hit puberty. It started off as watching porn, then realizing it wasn't the vagina that turned me on. Since sixth grade I have been watching gay porn, and dating women. I have felt so disgusted with my self for the last 7 years. My parents have caught me looking at gay porn on one occasion, but believed me when I told them I was just curious. Since that happened I have taken extreme measures to ensure that no one ever discovered that I was gay, and this worked until I got to college.

    When I came to college, 1200 miles away from home, I had decided I was just going to be gay. Well that didn't happen, I was still to far in denial. However, within two weeks of meeting one of my friends, she started talking to me about what my type of guy was. I was thrown for a loop I had never told anyone I was gay, much less come out of my closet by anymeans how did she know. I still am puzzled. But also I am terrified of people finding out what I am and that my family will disown me if ever they found out.

  • Joey

    I'm Gay , I hate myself ,& I've tortured myself for 11 years now . I want to be Dead because of the fear that if he knows how much I love him , he may leave me .

    We were best Friends , I voluntarily Broke up with him , Because whenever he touches me I get that Weird Feeling .

    God , Please Kill me , I dont want to Go on lying to him anymore neither can I tolerate him Flirting with all the Girls in the College .

  • some DooD

    Ahh! Joey below me! I hope you read this because I've been in your position before and still kind of am!

    I told my best friend (also male) my feelings for him and he was uncomfortable for a while(couple of months) but said in the end he was flattered and it doesn't bother him at all anymore.

    Nowadays we talk, hang out, etc. like I never told him. Hopefully this gives you insight on what could happen if you told your friend.

    Plus, if your friend has known about you for so long wouldn't they know you're homosexual/bisexual? If so why would they be extremely bothered if you were attracted to them? Good luck!


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