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Why Is He Ruining Our Relationship?

Question:

Why is he ruining our relationship
 
I met my husband 4 years ago, and we have 3 kids together (ages 3mo., 1yr and 2 yrs). In the beginning our relationship was the best. I felt like he was perfect, and was so attracted to me in every way possible. Well of course all good things must come to an end. Last year on Mothers Day, (our second child was a month old), we spent the day together, watched a movie later that night, and we went and layed down. Well, he said that he needed to go check his E.Mail (which is on  both of our accounts), so I was waiting for him to come back to bed so we could have sex. I guess I ended up falling asleep, because I woke up in the morning, with him beside me. I decided to go look on the computer, because I had a feeling something was going on, and I saw all kinds of porn on there, which he only stayed on them for less than a minute. I confronted him, and he lied until I started crying, telling him, that I know he did it. Then he said yes he did. He told me for the whole year (when ever I would bring it up again) that he didn’t know why he was looking. He said he is not aroused from it. He could never tell me why. I felt like he wants to be with someone else, and he,s not attracted to me anymore. So everything has been good. Actually, last month I decided to let it go, and our relationship was wonderful again. Well yesterday I went through the google history, looking for a site that I went to for my student loans. And what did I find? Porn again, same as last time, only a few sites visited for under a minute. This time he did it when I was pregnant with our newest baby. So I asked him, and of course he lied, then later confessed to it again. He said that he has never cheated on me, and he is attracted to me, but he doesn’t know why he did it again. During the past month when everything was good again, I asked him to watch it with me and he did and when we were watching them, he never once got aroused unless I started touching him. Yesterday, he said the reason he didn’t want to watch them with me was because he was trying to stop looking at that because he didn’t want that, and it makes him feel guilty.

Please help me. I am really thinking about leaving him. I also have one more question, do men really have something inside them that makes them want to look at other women, or is this something we women made up, to make it an excuse, so we feel better about our selves?

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Answer:

You are raising a complicated issue because you and your husband are young and have children. With that in mind let me try to respond to your E. Mail:

I believe your husband when he tells you that he does not know why he looks at pornography on the Internet. Probably, he is drawn to it by some type of curiosity or compulsion. I am also certain that his interest in pornography has nothing to do with his attraction to and sexual interest in you.

It is interesting that he explores some of the pornographic sites on the computer that you both use. He has to know he will be found out. When you do catch him at it he lies because he feels very embarrassed but the admits to it. I think it was a good strategy to have both of you viewing the pornography but he felt too guilty with you there for him to be able to enjoy it. That is very interesting!!

I say that this is interesting because it indicates that he believes or fears that he is doing something that you do not approve of, even when you join him in watching. I suppose a good response to his guilt would be to state that you enjoy watching too. However, it is important not to lie.

There are couples who watch pornography together and become mutually stimulated by it. For them, sexual life together is enhanced. There are other couples who both disapprove of pornography.

To your question, I would say that it is always mistaken to form generalizations about men or women. There are men who neve watch porn and never would, no matter what. There are women who watch it and willingly admit to it.

I cannot suggest you do anything you disapprove of. If you do not like porno then, do not watch it. If you enjoy watching it with him, if it excites you and you find it fun, then join him and let him know how you feel. However, if this is not so, then, do not go down this route.

Finally, let me say this:
It appears from your E. Mail, that you have a good marriage and that when porno is not an issue you have fun together. You have young children and appear to be committed to each other so far as I can tell.

What I am trying to say, and this is just my opinion, that pornography is no reason to end a good marriage. We all have weaknesses and this is one of his. Remind him to come to you for sex when he feels drawn to the Internet. He may harbor a deep false belief that women do not like sex or, even, that you do not really like and love his body. In other words, a deep anxiety may draw him to the Internet and nothing else. you know, men also need reassurances about how they are doing sexually.

Talk about sex with one another. It’s amazing to me that so many couples fail t talk with one another about the two most intimate of issues: sex and money. Talk to each other about what you like, do not like, want to experiment with, do not want to, etc. Open hones communication rather than confrontation is best. This is part of having a fully trusting relationship.

Best of luck

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