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Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

Question:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few years now, and I love him so much. We have a child together and we’re the perfect little family, but, we haven’t had sex since our child was concieved 2 years ago. I’ve tried talking to him about it but I can’t seem to get any answers from him. I’ve just learned to live with our arrangement. I know he loves me very much and he’s not cheating on me. I’ve just run out of ideas. I don’t know if he’s unsatisfied, or he has problems getting an erection. He just won’t talk to me about it. What should I do?

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Answer:

You are describing one of the classic complaints that women have about men: they won’t talk about there problems. Something is troubling your boyfriend, but, what is it?

By the way, if he is dissatisfied with sex, two entire years is a long time for him to wait before doing anything about it. Actually, two years is a long time for you to wait. Two years for an adult female to go without sex? Two years for an adult male to go without sex?

You report that you have learned to live with your arrangement. It defies logic that you have learned to live as you are. I say that not because this is exclusively about sex. It’s about two loving people being intimate with one another. Intimacy is expressed through verbal communication, touching, hugging, planning, arranging, sharing and, of course, sexual relations. It defies logic, human anatomy, hormones and human needs and drives that you have been able to adjust to a loveless and sexless relationship.

How can I say that your relationship is loveless? You are not sister and brother, father and daughter, mother and son, parents and children.  In those relationships sex is taboo. By contrast, with husbands and wives or intimates, the opposite is true. In a marital type of arrangement, sex is one of the ways that two people express their love. Man and woman are engaging in sex not merely to satisfy their own needs, but, to satisfy the needs of their partner. It is the mutuality that is so very satisfying to each partner. Your boyfriend is not doing that, is not sharing in the mutuality, is not satisfying your needs.

I cannot explain what is going on with him. I don’t know him and I see no useful purpose in speculating about what is going on with him. What I can do is express my opinion about yourself. It seems to me that you need to look at your thinking and ask yourself why you continue to tolerate this situation? I suspect that you will need the help of a psychotherapist, clinical psychologist or clinical social worker to help you sort out your own thinking and feeling. Then, you may be able to decide what you want to do. In other words, and in a general way, I am suggesting that every adult needs to figure out what they need for themselves and that includes you with regard to you boyfriend. Think about what you want and what you need rather than him.

Best of Luck

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