If You Or Your Children Are Currently Experiencing Abuse...

If You or Your Children Are Currently Experiencing Abuse

It may seem like you are alone in your pain and that there is nowhere
to turn for help. To combat the abusive situation in your life, you
must learn how to develop an effective plan for escaping abuse and
getting help to put yourself into a better situation.

Many people feel helpless, overwhelmed, and vulnerable when they are in
an abusive situation. You are likely to feel emotionally tied to the
abuser and ambivalence about leaving. While ambivalent feelings are
understandable, you must realize that abuse is not healthy or safe, and
that it will continue indefinitely unless you find the courage to get
out.

The first thing to do is to determine whether your situation is
life threatening or if you have the luxury of time to plan a careful
exit. If your situation is life threatening, just pack a bag and leave immediately. Do whatever you have to do to remove yourself from the situation.

If you have the luxury of time, spend some time developing a careful
and realistic plan that details how you will get away from your abusive
situation and into a better situation. Generating a realistic plan
helps you to have a better chance of actually escaping abuse and
getting to a better place.

  • Learn what abuse is and isn't, and what your legal
    rights are with regard to abuse. Contacting a lawyer is a good idea if
    you can afford that. If you can't afford that, contacting a domestic
    violence shelter worker or social worker familiar with domestic
    violence and abuse is also helpful. These sources may be able to point
    you to a legal advocate who can help to support, defend, and protect
    you, and any children who are involved.

  • Locate and contact domestic violence shelters
    in your area. The people who staff such shelters are familiar with
    helping abuse victims and will be able to advise you how to best go
    about getting to safety. They may also be able to offer temporary
    shelter for you and your children if you need to escape quickly.

  • If children are involved, consider getting
    your state's Child Protective Services involved by making an abuse
    report. A CPS caseworker may be able to get your your children to
    safety. The downside to this approach is that your children may need to
    be removed from your custody in order to get them to safety (if you are
    ambivalent about leaving the abusive situation yourself).

  • Call the police whenever abuse is threatened or seems likely. There are several reasons for doing this:

    • The police can help keep you safe. If they come while abuse is happening they will be able to defuse the situation.
    • The police will document that abuse is happening.
    • The police can help you get a restraining order.
      A restraining order is a legal document that prohibits an abusive
      person from getting near you or your living arrangements. You can also
      ask the local court that handles domestic violence cases for a
      restraining order, but it is easiest to ask for police assistance with
      this process.
  • Get yourself or your children a medical exam
    to document any injuries resulting from abuse and to receive treatment
    for those injuries.

  • Seek out counseling services with a therapist
    who specializes in areas of abuse to help you deal with your conflicted
    feelings about leaving and to help you find community resources and to
    help you generate your plan to leave. Seek out supportive group therapy
    to talk with those who have been in your situation and understand what
    you are feeling. Domestic violence shelters often sponsor support
    groups.

  • Make a step-by-step plan that details how you will care for yourself
    when you leave the abusive situation. A social worker or domestic
    violence shelter staffer may be able to help you problem solve these
    issues. The most important questions to answer are where will you live
    and how will you support yourself?

    • Can someone put you up temporarily? Can you get an apartment on your own?
    • Plan a way to achieve financial independence if
      this is a problem for you, such as finding employment or receiving
      temporary financial aid from others. Financial dependence can seem like
      a huge obstacle to getting away from an abusive situation, but there
      are resources out there to help you. Don’t allow a lack of money to
      stop you from being safe and healthy.
  • When your plan is defined and you've worked
    out the details of how you will manage, put that plan into action.
    Separate yourself from your abusive partner.

For children who are currently being abused, the main goal is to remove
the child from the abuser. The following is a list of possible
solutions:

  • Get the child away from the abuser, even if this
    involves sending the child to live somewhere else (e.g., with other
    family members or friends).

  • Get abuse to stop by making police reports or
    anonymous reports to your state's Child Protective Services department.
    Please know that reports may need to be made repetitively (many times
    in a row) before any action gets taken.

  • Get the child a medical exam to ensure that child is being treated for any physical injuries and so that abuse is documented.

  • Get the child into counseling with a therapist who specializes in working with abused children.
Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    I was married to a police officer-for 12 years-at first things were fair he did physically abuse me but it ended when I confronted him in front of his family. We divorced,and in 2001 he remarried-that's when the real nightmare started he tried to take our two younger children away-but did not succeed. He lied and ruined my good name and after divorcing his 2nd wife in 2003-he remarried in 2004- My nightmare won't go away, in 2006 he managed to take the kids away-I could not afford an attorney! He has brought police officers to my door,drives by my residence,would pick up the kids for visitation in his police car,yelled at me in a church-and the next day would be outside the church asking in a menacing way "what's the matter don't you want to deal with me today? When I complained, the police would not write a report-so there is no paper trail on him-I have called his police department,the sheriff's department,the bureau of investigation and the FBI-all of which say this is just a family matter-however,if he were not a cop I'm sure he would have been arrested by now-I have written statements (letters)from him-and taped conversations and no one will help me or my kids. we just went to court-he vountarily brought the kids by for visitation-only to say-I was not to see them again-he now wants to put my youngest child on medication-I wonder how much more can my family take? Thank you,

  • Laurie

    I have been divorced from my police officer ex husband for 8 years and two years ago he decided he was going to move next door to us, in the 6 years he saw the children 1 time a week. He has since gotten remarried for the 3rd time and for the past two years has smeared my name, had me arrested for something I didn't do. I have caught him following me around, following the children around, signing up for every acitivity that I have been involved in for 10 years so he can keep close eye on me. I have caught him stalking me, following me and harrassing me, I have called every police department around and no one will help me because he is a cop, he threatens my life and that he is going to harrass me forever. He has since been mentally abusing my children where my daughter doesn't barely even go to his house. He has ran over my mailbox and has been caught by photo spying on me and my family, cops do nothing ohh we will tell him to stop bothering you. Since all this, I have found out that the 6 years he was not living in our area he had my neighbor who is a cop, do the spying on me. He has lied in court to the judge and has joint custody of the kids, he goes around telling everyone my kids live at his house, he follows me to Dr. appts, Dentist appts, when I call the police they do nothing. I am paranoid he is going to snap and kill me, he has the guns not me. He is using everyone around us to give him information and he twists it continuously and now his wife has joined his team of harrasment and nothing happens, to them. Your not alone, but what and how can we change it, your right if they were not cops they would be arressted. How do you change it? I am looking for answers too!!

  • Anonymous-2

    When your abuser is a police officer, you have no where to turn. You are virtually stuck in the situation and he knows it. You can't hide because he can find you. You learn to endure in silence.

  • Anonymous-3

    If there is a way for you to move to another state do it. There is a much better chance of getting the police from another state or city to help. I realise it is a lot to do but if you can get a restraining order or other assistance it would be worth it to you and your kids.

  • Anonymous-4

    My ex husband is an FBI agent. He abused me for ten years before I divorced him. Now, he abuses my son relentlessly, and DYFS does nothing to help him. My son is going to wind up dead or crazy. Neither one of us can take it anymore! I also cannot afford an attorney. It is a horrible system!

  • Will

    As a deputy sheriff who is in a loving relationship with a woman who was in an abusive relationship before we met, my heart goes out to you. My girlfriend and I are having to deal with the deep issues and scarring left from her previous relationship. It isn't always easy, especially when she expresses her fear that I will change. She has also gotten back together briefly with her abuser during our relationship. I love her deeply, and I understand the dynamics involved in abusive relationships, so I welcomed her back with the condition that we seek counseling.

    I come from a happy, loving home, and my father taught me that "gentleness is the surest sign of strength in a man." If you ever date a man who was raised in an abusive home, get away from him. Chances are that he will continue the same abusive behavior that he grew up with.

    If your abuser is a cop, try contacting your state police, your attorney general's office, and the police officer licencing agency in your state. Generally, that would be under the heading of P.O.S.T. (Police Officer Standards and Training).

    That kind of behavior shouldn't be tolerated by their superiors, and good cops (most of us are), detest abusers, especially if he wears the badge.

  • Tania Morales

    My name is Tania and i live in Benson Arizona and I have 3 children who have been abused by their father and his girlfriend. I took my children to Florida to get out of this situation, while i was gone the father went to court and is trying to use my mental illness against me and to TRY and prove that i am unfit to mother our children. I have my oldest with relitives in Florida, the judge in Tucson gave him emergency custody of my children and a pick up order for Florida. The children were brought back to Arizona and him and his lawyer patitioned for me to have no contact with my children, i can only speak 2 them for 15 minutes a night. (privately) the girlfriend is on speaker the whole time and in the same room. My children have had marks all over, have had their heads cracked open etc. How can i help my children? I need to get them out of there as soon as possible.

    Tania

  • Dee

    My name is Dee and I am 20 years old and living with my mother. I am also suffering from an illness known as Celiac disease, which has caused my life to stand still currently. As far back as I can remember, my mother has always called me names or made me feel ashamed of myself, called me lazy while I was working 8 hour shifts every day to pay bills and get food on the table. She used to beat me almost everyday for accidently dropping/spilling food, or for messing up on a test, and sometimes, for no reason at all. She doesn't hit me so much anymore. I have suffered from numerous amounts of psychological problems along the years (including skitzophrania, agoraphobia, and bipolar disorder) and I used to always blame myself for getting these problems. I have no self esteem, no self confidence and I am still semi skitzophranic even after treatment...

    Sure, i'm old enough to get out of here and stand on my own two feet. But once again, I am sick and I had to quit my job, and my mom would probably keep me from leaving if I tried...What I want to know is if this is abuse or am I just overreacting...I'm in a really strange situation right now. She's really nice sometimes. And then other times, most of the time, she's very hurtful and insensative...She says that god allowed me to get this illness, and that I should suffer with it because I deserved it. She calls me names like stupid, worthless, fool, pathetic, hopeless, paranoyed, crazy, and worst...That I would die without her. And that i'm worthless and noone would want to marry me.

    I just need to know if I should leave this place or not and if it could be the reason why I have so many problems in my life. Idk where to go and my dad and my friends don't believe me when I tell them these things.

  • Anonymous-5

    if I were in this lady's shoes, I would get money no matter how I had to get it, and either move out of the area or the country, In some countries the family takes care of bullys like this creep, this is just what he needs, whatever it takes to stop the abuse of yourself and your childen, do it!

  • Anonymous-6

    If someone is being metally abused by their parents and are under age, how do they get help, and how do they remove themselves out of the hurtful enviroment? There is no domestic abuse, but the mental abuse is to an extreme and the minor needs help, but there isn't any evidence such as brusing since there's nothing physical taking place.

  • Anonymous

    I KNOW THIS IS NOT SHORT, BUT PLEASE READ THIS!!!

    I am 26 years old and the ex-wife of a Deputy Sheriff whom physically and mentally abused me. We got married young and it lasted 8 years. Before he got the badge, he wasn't much of a jerk at all. One day I finally called his department when I was beaten in front of our children. His department captain showed up and told me he did not know why he was called to the house (after I told the dispatcher what had happened), but if domestic violence had taken place he had to report it by law. I started to speak, but he told me to "stop right there" and he then began to inform me that there are counseling services for marital issues etc and that I would ruin my husband's career and our kids would suffer most if I said anything further. He told me that I had a year to think about if this really did happen or I was mistaken and that we needed to talk about something else instead. (He saw my black eye and I was crying) The year went by, my husband and I started to reconcile when he got physical with me again. This time I struck back. I clocked him on the cheek and my wedding ring caused a little cut and drop of blood. I, a 120lb women got charged with Felony spousal abuse on a 230lb man who carries a gun! He ran to his department and said I beat him up! He moved in with his parents, stopped helping pay our house payment of $5,000 a month (million $ home) so I began juggling money around in my checking account because I certainly could not afford it on my own. Before long I had a felony charges for NSF checks on my own account. Shortly after being on probation for 4 days with terms for no alcohol/drugs (standard felony probation terms), my front door was kicked in by the narcotics taskforce team while I was asleep early morning in bed with my kids next to me. It was supposed to be my husband's day with the kids, but I had traded with him the day before to help him out. It turned out that my new roommate I was renting to was dealing drugs. Somehow on a shelf in a common area of the house there was .1 of a gram of meth. I let him use my car the night before because his was being repaired. I'm assuming, unless they were planted, that the 4 loaded syringes of dope that were found in my car in the driveway belonged to him too. I had no idea this was going on. I barely ever saw him because he was gone most of the time. I was arrested for violating my felony probation, charged with felony child endangerment, and some other felony charges along with the fact that the spousal abuse charge was still pending because I was going to return to court to fight it the following week. Imagine that! Busted before I could get to court. My husband told people that he knew about the bust 2 weeks prior to it happening, but why did he intentionally put his own kids in that kind of danger knowing what was going on? Because he could get custody of our kids and hook up with a lady cop he had interest in with me out of the way! He was REAL successful at it too. I did post bail, but 6 months later my attorney could not get me much of a deal because fighting it would be too risky with my husband having so many ties into the courtroom and I looked bad on paper. Whoever wrote the reports was sure to make them to look REAL BAD. I pled out and YES, THIS MAN, WHO WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, sent me to prison!!! I did 8 months (16mo. at 50%). I took a plea of one felony for violating my felony NSF check probation,- by committing a misdemeanor child endangerment. I have been out now for 3 months. I have my kids every weekend which was somewhat difficult to get just getting out of prison. My life is not the same. I lost everything and starting over is real hard. We got a final on our divorce shortly after I started my sentence, and two months after that he got married to the lady cop. I don't think he's beating her. He's 27 and she's 41. Must be a desperate lady! He still is emotionally abusive towards me when I see him to exchange the kids. He talks to me like I'm a child and I put up with it. I'm on parole and him making one phone call could send me right back. I'm emotionally HURT so bad. The pain I feel now over all this is a beating that is never ending! You are all right! If they’re a cop we’re screwed. Maybe someday someone will expose these guys and have some success in putting a stop to this. The cops have a brotherhood of their own and if we mess with it we go down. My uncle told me this, “This ex of yours was the dork that we kicked his butt and stole his lunch money and now he’s mad. That is why he’s a cop!” Funny thing is he was a dork in school!!

  • Anonymous-7

    My boyfriend would dance with me under the moonlight on old back roads. Then he became the moody and controlling husband. Then he became an even more abusive controlling "preacher". Then while we were separated he entered law enforcement and became a stalking controlling cop.... with a gun. Until I die I guess he will continue to manipulate my life through our daughter. So far, the courts seem more willing to smile on him and reprimand me. After 3 1/3 years I am losing all confidence in the law and/or legal system. I am temporary dociliary parent..... but he has financially ruined me and I have no family within 2000 miles to turn to. My former church "emotionally" turned me out. My faith in God is the only thing that has been a comfort. My child and I should have been on the streets by now, but God has provided, even when all odds were against us. When the food, the medication, the gasoline should have all been gone... there was always "just enough" to get through. Still, being human, I'd like to see people step up to the plate and do the right thing. My heart goes out to others who have been abused and then are abused or abandoned by the legal system on top of everything else. Man, I could have never believed that the police was the last place I could turn to for help. I'd be lost (in more ways than one) without God's love. I am not alone.. and you don't have to be. God bless...

  • Julie Bellamy

    God will get you through the pain. He never abandoned his own Son. I am so sorry that women must suffer and children are taught not to trust. Talk to God everytime you need someone. Sit in a church parking lot. Yell at Him, He understands. Cry with Him, He understands.

    God will always provide enough. God will punish those that abuse their power. Hell is a real place. If you must suffer through it on this earth, imagine the untold pain those who cause your suffering will face. Remember you are dealing with evil. The person that you used to love is now high on evil. Whether drugs, power or something else takes them to that place. It is evil. Pray for their soul. Pray for your children.

    We may be alone on this earth, but our prayers unite us in Christ. Thank you for sharing. It is nice to know I am not alone. My problems are still correctible at this point (I think). As long as he keeps trying and I learn to sincerely forgive him. I have family, but they do not trust him, it causes me to doubt. I know what his background was and I fear seeing it return. Sometimes I wonder if I have made the right decision. It is hard to believe in someone who used to abuse. He stayed single for 7 years before me. He can be abrasive with his words. He has learned to apologize. He shares his love and shows respect. His son now lives with us. His daughter now visits him. But he knows that I have doubts. Please pray for me that I can re-commit to giving him a chance to redeem himself to God. Trust is such a fragile gift. God please give us strength to know when to make changes.

  • Anonymous-8

    I am recently going through a divorce. I decided I was divorcing him when he left for Iraq 18 months ago. Before he left he become extrememly physically abusive, trying to have people watch me and report back to him while he was gone. It got worse, as soon as he left my three children started telling me about the abuse they were enduring while I was working or at the store. I confronted him numerous times and I was the crazy one and the kids were lyers. He did not move back in with us when he returned from Iraq. I tried to keep the relationship cival for the kids and kept a good schedule for visits. It was just reported to me from my six year old daughter that her dad has been sexually abusing her. I had to run and hide for three weeks so the investigators could conduct their investigation. The investigators finally contacted him and the next day he had attorneys and he was not talking to anyone. My daughter went through the medical examination, it was proven it happened within five days of the examine, she only had contact with her father and two brothers. They are still telling me because she told me who it was that won't stand up in court, it is hear say. My daughter does not trust anyone, her dad threatened her severely for her not to tell. She is horrified with nightmares and depression. We came back home after obtaining a restraining order, he is currently still working, his hand gun was confiscated. I was just told by our Child Protective Agency if she does not disclose who did it to the authorities I can not request supervised visits with their dad, there was nothing I could do to protect them. Tell me that makes any sense, if I let them go they can take them away from me for putting them in a dangerous situatio? I feel due to his veteran status, and profession that I will be completely duped by the system. Something needs to be done, I will not allow my children to be physically, mentally, sexually abused by this man because the courts can't help me. Any advise?? Sad and Disgusted 11/14/07

  • sherry

    I am a mother of 5 children and they are all different emotionally,the question that i have is,I feel that my 17 year olds highschool wrestling coach abused him mentally,I know that sports call for a certain degree of motivational tactics but he seemed to degrade and belittle my son.My husband and I have a strong marriage and loving home,our son told us he did not like the coach,but since he had been on the team for 3 years with same coach we just didnt listen.So his senior year wrestling season rolls around.We had noticed a little bit of rebellious behavior,nothing serious.We thought everything would work out when the season started and he would be too tired for any further hijinks.[ WRONG ]I feel responsible for telling him he had no choice,and he did not want to dissapoint , so something snapped in his thinking and he set the wrestling room on fire in school.to try to erase the source of his pain. He was caught at once and admitted what he had done.He was previously diagnosed with adhd and now we find he has selfesteem problems and of coarse depression.The problem is that the state wants to procecute my son probably as an adult which could result in real prison time.We have a lawyer and will have a forensic evaluation prepared for the hearing ,that decides which court the case will go to. Yes he did put people in danger but he also stopped students from entering the area and admitted responsibality.I am desperate to understand, why my child felt this was his only recoarse.

  • Mary

    I am thinking my husband is very mentally abusive, but I just can't tell. He says I am overreacting and his comments are always "a joke," but to me they aren't. He seems to enjoy getting my children and me angry or make my children cry. After we're angry or crying, he says he was only joking and asks, "why are you so mad?" Then he'll apologize and he'll end up doing the same thing by the next day. I have been with him for almost 15 years and am really starting to see things now. We got together when I was 16, so I didn't have any idea or notice any abusive acts at that time. Plus, I had come from an abusive home life. Now that my children are getting older, I am noticing more and more the abuse. I don't know what to do. I'm very confused. He will antagonize my children until they are crying and I don't think any parent should do that to their children. They love their Father very much, and they seem to be very forgiving every time he acts that way. I am concerned about the future ramifications on my children. I know if I had to, I could make it possible for me to leave, but I am also concerned about future ramifications from me leaving their Father. Is there anyone I could talk to that could give me some advice on who to talk to?

  • Mom who didn't know what to do

    My son started with huffing. Inhaling glues, white out, spray cans, etc. Money was missing from my purse. He was lying and turned from being a good student to failing.

    The following narrative is true. I am willing to take any type of test they want to administer to prove it. And there are emails and records that exist to prove what I am saying. And my son is not the only child to go through this in James City County, Virginia, nor will he be the last. We, the mothers, can not get anyone to investigate.

    When he was 5, my husband abandoned our bed to sleep with our son. This continued for years. At age 13, he started huffing because my husband was confiding things to him that no young boy should have to shoulder the responsibility of knowing. He wanted out of the marriage because the only way he could inherit his mother's money was (in her own words) "if the situation changes." By 2004, he was fired from his job for anger. At 64, he could not get another. He needed his mother's money. He had cut off contact with her when she changed her will, leaving her money to charity.

    I educated myself (although I had not heard the term huffing, I knew about inhalants). My husband turned his back on it. He denied our son was doing anything. I think he really knew, but was using our son as an excuse. If I said anything about it, I was picking on our son. Than, when my son was high, my husband used his venerability to enlist his help in abusing me.

    I finally left the abusive situation, but had no way of supporting myself. I had to leave my son, than 15 with his father. I couldn't ask him to live with me, because I was not even capable of taking care of myself after the two years of intensive abuse I had gone through. I failed my son. I left him in the enabling situation.

    Two weeks after I left, my husband allowed him to go to an all night unchaperoned party with older kids and known drug abusers. There was both booze and drugs present (according to Officer White, the officer of record). Our son committed a felony breaking and entering. He took video games, while other boys took booze. When his father found out, our son told him he broke in to sleep there. To this day, his father believes him. I filed for custody.

    Than the pills started. Huffing wasn't enough. I kept finding things, like tightly rolled-up dollar bills. And our son took to carrying knives, even to school. His father was not allowing me to see our son at that time. At the most, I could only see him for 1 and 1/2 hours every three weeks. Our son was always angry. He would call me names and continued to steal from me. He physically abused me, as his father had done. I am very hard of hearing because his father would put his mouth to my ear and scream as loud as he could. It caused pain, but no physical marks to prove the abuse was taking place. Our son began using this form of physical abuse, too. And

    my husband was withholding food from me. I was on the South Beach Diet, but he was withholding the foods I was allowed to have. He said at a $1, "cauliflower costs too much" and "you don't need to buy enough meat for three people, 2 pieces will do."

    One day, in mid 2006, 9 months after I left, I found 6 Limictal pills on my son. I called the police. He downed the pills and had to be rushed to the hospital. He tested positive for cocaine and heroin. I later found out that he had had a sandwich type baggy full of the pills the night before. The boy who saw him with them said that if he told the police, his parole officer (the boy cleaned himself up from drugs, worked a study job and went to school) would have him arrested. When I talked to the other kids, I found out that my husband regularly dropped our son off at the apartment complex where I lived with bottles of beer and vodka. These were not the times my son came to visit me.

    The morning I found the pills, I first tried to call my husband several times, but he had the answering machine come on and automatically disconnect me. I finally drove to the house. When there, I recorded our conversation. He said he had had our son tested for drugs once, and was not going to pay for it again. While we were in the emergency room, my son admitted to using pot every night. I wish I had had the tape recorder on me at the time. His father told him that he would get him diet pills and anti-depressants if he wanted them.

    Than the drug counselor from Bacon Street showed up. I was still in my night cloths. (It is stated in the hospital records that I left to change.) I was only able to introduce myself to her and tell her that I needed to go home to change as I had an appointment after our son was due to be released. In her report, she states that she spoke to me and determined that I am an abuser. We had no conversation.

    In June, 2005, my husband was arrested and found guilty of abuse. The system in James City County, Virginia, is set up to protect the abuser. He went to anger management, but not the first set of classes, he waited for a set that was led by Lauren Council. He was also told to attend substance abuse for his drinking. He went to one meeting. He was declared cured after only that one session. I believe that the session was with Ann Tramer. His files were sealed.

    At this point, I have to admit, when we were together, I drank too. I was drowning the hurt. I stopped drinking 2 weeks after leaving the house. In court, my husband admits to still drinking nightly.

    Before I left the situation, my husband attempted to replace the mother figure in our son's life. One of those women was a person who's son was a known drug user. Her older son had dropped out of school and drifted through life. She would buy our son cigarettes. My husband would not do anything about it. He refused to admit that she was not a person our son should hold as a role model. She was using pain killers. The night that led to his arrest, he sent our son to her house. I now think that it was his plan to kill me that night. He said he was going to when he attacked me.

    For eleven months we were locked in the custody battle. The whole time, our son was also on probation for the breaking and entering. And than the break ins of my home began. All were reported to the police, but they did nothing. The only things missing was evidence against my husband. In order to do the break ins, he had to enlist my son's help. Someone drove the car while he did the actual crime. There is a police report stating that an eyewitness saw him enter my property while his car sped away. And I found a set of his car keys in my front yard. I have a receipt for them. He was making our son an accessory to a crime. If our son admitted it, being on probation, he would go to jail. Our son sank deeper into drugs.

    During the custody hearings, my husband continually said in court that our son did not have a drug problem. The Guardian ad Litem never once admitted that he had one. During the custody hearing, we were ordered to enter family counseling. My husband refused to attend.

    Enter Ann Tramer. I went to Colonial Health. Our son was supposed to go to Bacon Street. Instead, Ann Tramer took his case personally. Before that first session, my husband and I sat in the waiting room as he whispered hurtful things to me. It upset me and my son. I went into her office and was present while she "tested" his drug knowledge. She pulled out a magazine that had pictures of spray cans and glues and such. They were all clearly labeled. She asked him if he recognized any of the objects. That was his test. The verdict, positive, and I was the cause.

    During her sessions with him, she would not say "How do you feel about your mother?" but things like "You hate your mother, don't you?" During that time, she would only administer tests for pot, not a full drug strip. He tested positive for pot on three occasions, the maximum number of positive tests allowed by the courts.

    During the court hearings, the GAL, George B. Pearson, told the judge that because I wanted our son off drugs, I was militaristic. Because I had never been in trouble with the law (my husband is a 2 time felon) I was overly law abiding, because I go to church 2 or 3 times a year, I am a religious fanatic, because I wanted to stop my son to stop lying and stealing and return to doing his homework, I was an abuser. And my son kept sinking into the drugs.

    During this time, he was not only seeing Ann Tramer, but began seeing Lauren Council as well. Mr. Council was supposed to report to the courts, but never did. Ann Tramer did, however. She perjured herself. The proof exists. I also have a tape of her saying that it was unethical for her to continue to see our son for 8 weeks after he started seeing Lauren.

    Suddenly, in November, my husband got "religion". He admitted in court that our son had a drug problem. I lost the battle. I was not allowed to have my son for more than a few hours, and than not when I could take him to a mental health provider.

    On New Year's Eve, 2006, I saw my husband smoking pot. He does not smoke cigarettes, but he was smoking and holding the article in a manner that was indicative of pot.

    The next day, on New Year's Day, 2007, my son was shot with his father only feet away. It was kept from me. The shooter was the older son of the woman my husband tried to replace me with in our son's life. According to my son, my husband knew the loaded gun was in the house. He was giving refuge to the 21 year old as his step- father had kicked him out. Thank whomever, the bullet passed cleanly through my son's leg.

    Now, the reader would be asking, why relate this story? It shows how the system down here uses the children. The lawyers and the courts use the children to help the person with the deepest pockets win in a divorce case. Drugs are a blessing to them. They can use it to point the finger away from the truth. The only way we can possibly get an investigation into the system, is to publish our stories wherever we can, in hopes that enough of the public voices cries out for investigation and forces it to happen. I am not the only one. Tulane University, the ACLU and scores of other well respected institutions admit that it is happening, but none have the resources to investigate. Our children are not disposable.

    As Ann Tramer said to me, "He will remember the truth one day." I will not be around to pick up the pieces. He will continue the abuse he has learned. He will either turn to drugs again, or worse. Either way, he will kill himself.

  • Anonymous-9

    when i called the cops they told me they would take my children away from me if i ever called them again

  • Anonymous-10

    This is a really good article. It never occured to me that there really is a way out of an abusive situation/environment. I think I may be in one at work, and if it true, what struck me in this article is that it will continue until I decide to leave, because the abuse is not going to change. If a person is being abused in a work environment there has to be a reason for it that the person being abused does not know about- and the longer they stay in it, the more dangerous it can be- because they can be used to be the scapegoat on white collar crimes that other's comitt.

    One question - why is it that when a person talks about abuse at home they are instantly taken seriously, but the minute they try to say it is happening at work, they are just as instantly assessed as paranoid. Probably you will say because they have no evidence and are speaking in generalities...

    but that is because it is impossible to describe at work, and it is easily covered up by the abuser (usually there is a group of them in cohorts with their plans - the abuse isn't the main objective- it's just part of crimes they commit)...

    I think the fact that so many people are simply labled as paranoid points to the fact that we are still in the dark ages, and until we can realize that people might be telling the truth even if they can't articulate the truth we will stay in the dark ages. Being in a setting where you really do not know the whole picture of what is happening unless you are a manager or on the inside track is frustrating in itself - to have to deal with abuse, makes it that much harder. And then to have the courage to tell someone but not be believed is just even harder.

    The point is in some cases it may be true, but to find out what is REALLT going on you have to be able to talk it out with someone who is not going to just stignatize you with the paranoid label on you and give you drugs, and then the possibility of you accepting the paranoid label, ruining any belief in your actual integrity and judgement you have, only to find out years later when/if everything is revealed that you were right all along but no one took you seriously and even called you crazy.

    The truth is abuse happens as much in the workplace as domestic violence.

  • Anonymous-11

    If anyone out there has any suggestions for me on how to get away from a very manipulative, mentally and verbally abusive man PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I am a mother of 4 kids. One is an adult but the other 3 are still young. I have no access to any of our accounts, he has total control over all our money, I work but he always asks me for my checks to "REPAY HIM" for purchases made. We own a home together, he has been arrested in the past for hitting me, he has had child protective services called on him by our kids and my family is at a loss. They are afraid for me to get involved. Where do I go? How do I get him out? What can I do legally? I am in Virginia and it is a Commonwealth state. I am not legal savvy. I could use all the info possible. Please email me at my luv2bmom@comcast.net email with anyhting you think may help. I'd rather not give my name right now due to obvious circumstances. Thanks for anything!

    Desperate mom

  • lost girl

    im in an abusive marriage, not even at our 1 year anniversary mark yet,

    all my romantic relationships have had this common thread of abuse...

    so i realized this, and that i must stop this cycle of unhealthy relationships...

    so, i guess that makes me co-dependent... so what part of me enjoys attaching myself to people that treat me like garbage? why dont i love myself? i know im supposed to...

    and im wondering if i have some repressed memories that have aided in my distructive patterns... and if my parents are to blame for some of this crap...

    i feel worthless, like i have no value, like why was i put on the earth... a hardship for my family, and now a punchingbag for my husband... i know God is with me, but i can not see His light rite now...

    Editor's Note: There is a common misconception many people have that if they choose at some level to enter into and stay in an abusive relationship, that they "enjoy" being abused. This isn't the case. Abuse may feel familiar and normal (or even exciting) to such people, but most of them don't actually like being abused.

  • JR

    You have my deepest sympathy. Also, this makes me angry. Do not for a minute imagine that you are a "co-dependent" in this situation. "Co-dependency" is a piece of nonsense developed by the proponents of 12-Step addiction recovery program boosters to extend a sense of guilt to loved ones of alcoholics and other sufferers from addictive conditions, so that they may more conveniently be recruited to daft auxiliary 12-Step programs - principally Al-Anon. Think about it - you are responsible for someone's abusiveness? Nonsense!

    Don't blame yourself but, above all, don't "rationalise" self-blame on the basis of "co-dependency". Think, and act, for yourself!

    With very best regards,

    JR

  • Casey

    What do you do when the man you've married is the police, but not just the police -- he is the Chief? What do you do when he has abused you year after year - mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially, wire taps the phones, the house, the car, and tells you (as he is holding his cocked finger to your temple) that you're not going anywhere. What do you do when you need the law and he is the law, AND has used it against you before. How do you escape the madness OF HIS ABUSE -- and feel comfortable in your "afterlife" without the abuse but know that somewhere in the shadows he may still be lurking, because the only place you can hide undetected -- is the moon?

  • julie

    I am in tears and more tears. I can't find a support group for myself that deals with this: I am a wife(soon to be ex) of a medical professional that has been criminally indicted. This is nightmare. My children are watching their dad break down, He is in severe denial. Criminal lawyers, therapists, but the worst, we can't talk until the case is finished. It's HORRIBLE. (if you live in a prestigous or for that matter,anywhere.. community. Your friends flee.your life is shut down and you are is such severe panic and stress that EVEN the best marriages fail. Now,,,,"put in cyberspace." Little did I know on top of all this, my soon to be ex husband and his first wife were on FACEBOOK together and chatting away(they are both in their 60's!) and I feel so stupid.

    My children in meltdown. The ex finds every way she can to rant at me. I have so many levels(this last two weeks ) of legal stuff that I am spinning. I have to protect my kids, me, HIM, if he goes to jail and we are being looked at with a micrscope. My stepchildren? They have PAS. (parental alientation syndrome) I am so tired and reaching out finally. It is a mess. My husband got hammered in his divorce and lost EVERYTHING, his children a mess, then we get married, pay all that debt, than this happens. I am up against it. HELP......

  • Anonymous-12

    I am so scared for my little sis my whole family is. she is an abusive relationship. She has me come stay with her at her house becuase she is scared of her boyfirned whom she has kid with. She is to scared to leave him cause she is afraid he will stalk her. What advise should i give her

  • Anonymous-13

    my mother has been verbally abusive ever since i can remember.

    i am now 43 she is 73 our relationship is bad. she has called me fat lazy

    metally ill old stupid you name it. she has insulted my husband ,which causes prblems in our marriage. i have 3 children and i fear that they will be her next victims so i am no longer giving her any alone time with her.last year she was stalking me and i considered getting an order of do not contact.i think that would have pushed her to physical abuse. i have no self esteen left.she does not think she has a problem i think she is the problem. i should probably get conseling on dealing with her but shrinks are so expensive.so days i would love to move out of state but my husband has a good job here. grandma is a tyrant in upstate ny!!!!!

  • jenna

    What a nightmare. My x seems to want to destroy me and we have kids who are suffering so much and copying his behavior. Why? Why did I have children with this man. What can I do to stop it? I feel like dying or leaving without a trace. The kids are teens and love him and buy into the bullshit he is saying to a certain degree. He has sabotaged my car (removing parts), stolen the last of my money, left gasoline soaked rags in the tall grass beside my house. Now we are in the legal system and I have so little money because he is lying about income and lying to the courts about everything. He attacked my son and then came after me. Teenage kids don't want to leave town. I have given him the best years of my life and two beautiful children. I need him to stop.

  • deb

    For a child to watch abuse is hard. When a woman stays with a abusive man she also is putting her children at risk too. That is why getting HELP before someone gets killed is so IMPORTANT! Stacey Lannert is a typcial example of an abused girl who lost control of her own anger and KILLED her Physically,verbally,and sexually abusive father! Her and her sister Christy both were being abused and the mother, Deborah left and abadoned Christy with the abusive Father , Tom Lannert! Now ,whether Deborah admits it or not she was a abusive parent to Christy and Stacey by avoiding and denying all the abuse that was going on . She put and allowed her two little girls in the hands of a MONSTER!She left him physically,sexually,and other ways but she left her two little girls to the WOLF! And these two little girls now are so messed up it is not even funny!!!! It is and was really a CRIME! CHILD ABUSE & NEGLECT! But no one not the police, not dfs,not the neighbors,not the family stopped the abuse! WHY is what I want to know????

    Why when we as children as for HELP and tell people-especially the police who are mostly men, why we are NOT LISTENED TO ! Why if we are Depressed from being ABused and Neglected are we LABLED,STIMATIZED,Abused further,and our perceptions,and intelligence further questioned as we get olderas if we don't know a thing.

    I can tell you I have witnessed Domestic Violence all my life! And I know what it is,looks like,and how to identify cops who do it. But when I have reported it,and the cops beat me up, abused me,and harassed me. I was Ignored,I was called names, the IAD at the police dept. tried to sweep the whole thing under the rug and forget about it.

    I also developed PTSD as a result of the abuses! As most children that witness and experience TRAUMA do. No one, and I mean no one even Psychiatrists,cops,therapist,etc.. LIKE TO ADDRESS& hold the men accountable for their BEHAVIORS of ABUSE & VIOLENCE because our Society encourages it!Even gay women are being abusive to their gay girlfriends too.What is this world coming to???? So much hate and violence! It is frightening! And the Police I will NEVER trust another cop as long as I live! In St. Louis city or county,or Sauget,or Illinois or anywhere! They have done that to themselves! Trust has to be EARNED!!! And they Police unfortunately are CORRUPT! Just like Politicians like Rod Blagaviech what a liar and a thief! Yet he will get off . Because our Judicial system is all about GREED & MONEY!!! 9/2/2010 May God Bless and protect the children from abuse from today on! Because you cannot depend on the police to help you!!!!!

  • asia

    was probably at least a year ago when my moms boyfreind made me rub his feet then it went from feet to legs then he made me rub his p###s then on night my mom went to work he made me do the same thing then he rubed my feet the my legs the he made me go to my room and it was at least 9 oclock at night.the he took of my pants and made me bend over and i saind no but he still didnt stop and i was not only melested but i think raped.