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Men, Women, And Understanding Pornography

Judging from the multitude of responses we have gotten from my essay about internet pornography , pornography is an issue that plagues many relationships. Most of the comments we've received are from women who feel devalued and disrespected by the fact that their husbands, boyfriends and fiancées look at internet pornography. Many of the women who have written in have expressed feeling betrayed when they discover their men have looked at pornography. They have expressed the belief that they are not attractive enough, or desirable enough, or sexy enough. Some of these female writers report that they even view some internet porn along with their partner and feel especially angry that their partner will sneak away to view porn websites in isolation. The comments express outrage, hurt, puzzlement, and confusion about what goes on with their men.

There are many noteworthy things to say about the responses we have gotten so far on this issue of pornography but three questions stand out in my mind at this moment:

1. By far, the largest number of emails have come from angry and disappointed women.

2. Men view pornography in secret and in isolation from their female partners. Why do men engage in viewing pornography both in secrete and in isolation?

3. How can we help men and women understand one another so as to better avoid the bitterness and anger that easily comes between them on this issue?

1. Understanding vs. Rage:

Clearly, many women are enraged by pornography and direct their wrath at their men. We have had several females state their intention to end their relationship with their male partner and at least one woman has asked if she should break her engagement and impending marriage over the pornography controversy.

We need to ask if this angry approach is good for either men or women over the topic of viewing internet pornography. Would it not be better to try and understand what is happening here between males and females and, through that understanding, develop better ways to cope with this problem?

Part of the reason why women are so angry about internet pornography is that it takes their men away from the family and from themselves. How can a father be engaged in fathering his children if he is locked in his office at home spending countless hours viewing porno sites on the internet? More than just viewing porn, these men are also masturbating. It goes without saying that masturbation occurs in isolation, at least under these circumstances, and the wife or partner is not involved in this solo activity. Yet, why? Why does this occur? Why do otherwise good fathers and husbands engage in this self-isolating sexual behavior when they have a willing sexual partner available? Why do so many men view porn in private and keep it secret from their wives, even from those wives who are willing partners in jointly viewing pornography as a "turn on" preceding foreplay and intercourse? Let us see if we can figure out some answers instead of engaging in condemnation.

2. Why Do Men View Pornography?

One of the reasons why men who are married, engaged to be married, or have a girl friend with whom they are sexually active, engage in the viewing of pornography in secret has to do with an emotion we recently visited called shame. As has been stated in other weblog entries on this site, shame has to do with deep feelings of self-disapproval. Shameful feelings of self condemnation can be extremely harsh, especially when it is perceived that a deeply valued belief about what is and is not socially acceptable has been violated. This is why shame is such a painful experience. The individual who feels shame engages in total self condemnation, whether other people are aware of it or not. Shame is much more powerful than guilt because feeling guilty is connected with a single act or behavior of which the person disapproves. There is no condemnation. Instead, there is awareness that some law or code has been violated in a single instance. Shame is much more global in nature than guilt. It involves a complete judgment of the entire self as negative. The experience of shame is humiliating and includes feeling a sense of disgust and mortification about the self.

Both men and women experience feelings of shame around sexual issues but for different reasons.

For women, feelings of shame often have to do with body image issues. Women compare themselves to other women and fear that they are not thin enough, shapely enough, or large breasted enough to fit the stereotypical view of what is defined as a beautiful woman.

In addition to body image issues, women struggle with what is and is not acceptable about being sexual when you are female. To this day there remains the double standard that for men it is permissible to be sexual but for women sexuality represents being immoral and sinful. Yet, once married, women are expected to be sexual and erotic for their husbands. These conflicted feelings are often less intense today, in the wake of the women's liberation movement, but they still persist.

For men, shame issues are directly related to sexual performance, and definitions of masculinity. For the male, part of sexual performance has to do with getting and maintaining an erection. This is such a visible aspect of masculinity and is so very obvious that any males who doubt their masculinity struggle with the question of whether their erection is large enough to attract and satisfy women. The man wonders if he is aroused enough. Second, he has to be able to ejaculate. The male cannot "fake" an orgasm. There is just no pretending; He either ejaculates or he does not. If he fails to ejaculate he feels less like a real man. If he fails to get and maintain an erection he feels less like a real man. If the male ejaculates before he enters the woman he feels less like a real man and if he ejaculates too soon after entering the woman and thus, deprives the woman of her orgasm, he feels like a failure. None of this is mean to imply that the men who watch pornography have these problems. It does imply that many men fear that these things could happen.

In addition to issues of performance for the male is the issue of genital size and appearance. Beginning with adolescence it is common for boys to compare penis size with one another. Some groups of boys even engage in ejaculation contests to test whose ejaculatory jet is the strongest and can reach the furthest. Some even engage in urinary contests to see whose urinary stream can reach the furthest. All of these are tests of masculinity for these adolescent men. Many boys become interested in weight lifting magazines with photos of muscular men whom they wish to emulate as a way of demonstrating their masculine prowess.

Then, there is the issue of fantasy life. According to Robert Stoller, a psychoanalyst and researcher on sexual issues and pornography, the role of pornography is to serve as the reverse of life events that occurred during childhood. Children who were abused, targets of corporal punishment at the hands of parents, or who were otherwise mistreated gain joy out of pornography by identifying themselves with the sadist in these photos and movies. In other words, they become the masters and the women become the slaves. Similarly, men who were intimidated by women as teens are able to reverse that feeling of intimidation they once felt (and still may feel) through the use of porn. Men are in complete charge and have complete power in the pornographic version of human fantasies, the complete reverse of their reality as children and the reverse of how they may feel as adult men. Therefore, they identify with doing things through viewing the pornographic material that they may be too ashamed to do with their wives in real life. This sense of embarrassment and shame about these fantasies is why so many men keep their pornographic interests secret, as one patient reported to me.

Stoller also writes about the concept that pornography has a fetishistic aspect to it. A sexual fetish involves having a sexual reaction to a non-human object or a part of a human being's body. Such an erotic arousal might occur in relation to such things as shoes, underwear, feet, etc. In my opinion, pornography can be categorized as a fetish in that images are being viewed that are not alive or do not involve interacting with an entire human being. This is part of what is referred to as the objectification of women through pornography. In other words, in the pornography, the female body is viewed as a commodity, as a thing rather as a human being.

The next big step that Stoller takes in his writing is to state that the fetish object, which is not a full human being and is not real, can be treated with cruelty and violence. The men who view pornography have no wish to harm either their wives or other women. However, they imagine harm to or at least control over a pornographic object through the fantasy world of pornography

This separation of fantasy life reversing what happened during childhood is part of what is known in Freudian psychoanalytic circles as the "Madonna-Whore Complex." This complex refers to the wish in all men that their wives are pure and innocent with regard to raising their children and interacting with friends and neighbors. The purity part of the continuum encompasses the "Madonna," or the virginal and sexually innocent girl. However, the same man wishes his wife to act like a "whore" in the bedroom, performing all the wished-for sexual acts that excite and please him.

The problem for some men is that they cannot reconcile the fact that their wives; the mothers of their children can fill the wished for sexual fantasy of the "whore." For these men, the Oedipal conflict takes over in which there is too much guilt associated with the role of "mother" to allow them to continue to see their wives as sexual partners. In other words, a split takes place in which their wife and the mother of their children can no longer be viewed as the "whore" but only as the "Madonna." This type of split includes viewing pornography in private because they do not want to admit to having such fantasies about their wives and may even believe that these wives would never approve of such erotic and "prohibited" fantasies. Therefore, the pornography must be viewed in privacy and solitude. If you doubt the power of the Oedipal conflict that boys feel in relation to their mothers, I need only point to the major fist fights and near riots that break out in high schools across America if one boy should happen to use a particular curse phrase in regard to the other boy's mother. Simply to state the term "Mother-F***er" (use your imagination to fill in the missing letters) to another boy can start a major battle between groups of adolescent boys. In the therapy office I have worked with a few men over the years that simply lose their libidinal feelings towards their wives once they become mothers.

For all of these reasons and more, many men retreat into the secret and private world of pornography and masturbation. This is even true of some men who engage in full heterosexual contact with their wives and still retreat into that secret world of masturbation. In the fantasy world of pornography there is no shame and there are no performance issues.

3. How can partners get along in the face of pornography use?

It is important that both men and women begin to understand and become sensitive to the delicate shame issues experienced by each with regard to their sexuality. Women come to believe that they are not pleasing their men and that is why their male partners turn to pornography. The root of this thinking is often related to the negative body images that women hold of themselves. Women who are heavy believe they are ugly. Women who are thin believe they are heavy and ugly. Women who are thin do not believe they are thin enough and insist they are ugly. Even today, in a world in which women are much more sexually liberated than ever before, some women fear that being sexual is immoral for a woman. As a result, they hold back from orgasm or from letting go and losing control in the orgiastic experience. They do not do this deliberately. Rather, the failure to orgasm is the result of deep and built in prohibitions.

Many men conclude that their women are not interested in sex or not in some of the ways they wish to pursue sexuality. They fear and doubt their ability to perform adequately and retreat into a world of isolation and sexual fantasy free of issues of performance and shame.

To the extent that both men and women can better understand where their partners are coming from with regard to pornography use and shame issues, they will be in a better position to start breaking down their mutual shame feelings and become closer. To the extent that partners do not make efforts to understand one another, attacks upon one another become more likely and the potential for intimacy within the all-important relationship decreases or fails entirely.

According to Stoller's research, the luckiest couples are those who can learn to abandon themselves to their sexual fantasies and strivings with one another without inhibition and anxiety. These couples can view pornography together, if they wish to, and can be free with one another without being inhibited by feelings of doubt about appearance or guilt that stems from unresolved issues of childhood. There is a normal part of foreplay when willing partners engage in pinching, biting, slapping, or spanking, and many other erotic activities in order to heighten the anticipated pleasure of intercourse. The key phrase here is "willing partners". How that phrase comes to be defined within a given couple will determine whether that couple can be open and honest with one another or not.

What are your opinions?

Editor's Note (10-18-10): We have just published a new article by Dr. Brian Thompson on Treatment for Problematic Internet Pornography Viewing. In this piece, he looks at research done by Dr. Twohig, which led to the first experimental study of treatment for pornography viewing. I encourage you to check that out for some interesting links on the research done and what the results of Dr. Twohig's study were.

  • Someguy

    [quote]They have expressed the belief that they are not attractive enough, or desirable enough, or sexy enough[/quote]........I think this goes both ways for men and women. Although, it seems in men it drives them to seek pornography and in women it seems to make them fantasize about the perfect sensitive accommodating man. One goes into a sexuality fantasy, the other goes into a relationship fantasy......yet, ultimately, both seem to be striving for a common find a connection with somebody.

  • Anonymous-1

    I seriously doubt that most men look at porn in isolation/secret because they feel shame (self-disapproval) as a consequence of looking at it. In light of all the angry wives and girlfriends out there, it seem far more plausible that they look at porn in isolation/secret in an effort to stay out of trouble and avoid partner-disapproval.  

  • James

    First of all, I just want to say, great article!!!!

    A sexual relationship where sexual fantasies are met seems to be very difficult to acheive for a large portion of couples.

    The fact that some husbands become less sexually attractive to their wives after they become mothers was very interesting to me.

    Because of the fact that men are sexually visual creatures, the internet poses a threat of porn addiction in my belief. I believe that there would still be a significant number of men relying on pornography for sexual gratification even after solidifying a healthy sexual relationship with their wives.

    Also, I do not believe that most women would be eager to engage in sexual acts typical of what is seen in pornography as they are impersonal and emotionally detached behaviors.

    I could be way off on this though.

  • Someguy

    [quote]Men view pornography in secret and in isolation from their female partners. Why do men engage in viewing pornography both in secrete and in isolation?[quote]

    Couples, generally, have sex in isolation, so it seems to me you'd masturbate in isolation too.....if your partner doesn't approve of pornography. Actually, we're taught at a young age to be ashamed of masturbation. So, it seems natural to isolate yourself.

    I guess the real question is not how you do it, but why you do it? I think men make a distinction between sexual appetite and relationships. Not certain women do? If a woman does not have any desires for her male partner for long periods of time, and a the male partner does not want to impose upon her.....what does a guy do? This whole thing seems to be more about miscommunication more then anything.

  • KD

    I'm very much frustrated by hearing constantly that men are mainly "visual creatures".  Both males and females have a large portion of their cortex dedicated to visual input processing.  What society then imposes after the fact of that processing is determined by the individual.  

    I'm more apt to believe that men can't come to terms with the fact that women too are visual.  We enjoy seeing men's muscles as well as diversity in genital size and shape.  Women's fantasies do not ALWAYS include romantic stability.  Sometimes it is pure sexual content.  I think however, how men and women come to their fantasies differ, in that women may read erotic stories and men may watch pornography.  This does not mean that women are less "visual" we just visualize using a different input path with more or less the same results. 

  • James

    It is clear that lack of communication is a factor in this issue.

    Maybe men are masturbating to porn because their wives do not wish to emulate such "kinky" behaviors. Pornography is naturally un-romantic, and it may be the case that the woman finds no pleasure and actually is repulsed by it.

    This may be the situation in a lot of relationships. It may not be that the man is not communicating, but instead, the woman has no interest in emulating his fantasies.

    Of course I am sure that in some relationships, good communication and understanding will be effective.

  • Girl with a big problem

    My fianee watches porn all the time. I have tried watching it with him and I think that it does actually bring us closer, but at the same time I think I am only doing it because I want him to see me as he sees these girls he looks at. When I see that he watches it alone, it hurts me so bad and I dont know why. I wish I could just not care but I get hurt and I constantly think about him watching it while Im sleeping or if Im not home. Its driving me crazy!!!! What could I do to not be so hurt by it?

  • ST

    Single male user of porn. If I was on a desert island with 1 porn item I would soon get bored with it. It is the excitement of finding new images and situations that drives those who look at porn to do it on a regular basis. Similar I imagine to the feeling of reading a new romantic novel. In my fantasies, yes sex is involved, but I also imagine falling in love with a woman who loves me too.

  • Nicole

    I agree with a lot of this article.  I'd like to add that I am

    a regular porn fan, from many themes, and I am a woman.
    I think that wondering about how other women feel during
    sex, and the curiosity of what men experience in their
    minds during sex- are key factors of my watching porn.

    I do agree with many of the theories here in this article,-
    such as the struggles men may be facing and possible reasonings
    for them to be shy about watching it openly.

    I also agree with the short mention on women holding back to
    orgasm involuntarily if they are feeling insecure about themselves.

    In general, there are many reasons why people are curious to explose porn or to be shy or unapproving of it.  I know many women who love it, and many men who are too bashful to watch it.  And the reverse.  I think that this article deals with looking at possible psychological/emotional connections- and it must have been a difficult task to think this deeply about it.  It was worth reading.


  • truthaddict

    Men view porn in private out of shame? That's crazy!

    It is to not be caught, not out of guilt of the action, but out of not wanting to hear our girlfriends complain. We get borred of seeing the same old body over and over again and want to see something new.

    These women sound like some serious complainers.

  • Anonymous-2

    I like this article. However, what happens when pornography is used as a "passive aggressive" tool? For the last 8 years my husband has consistently used porn as a way to "get even" with me. I have even resorted to allowing him to take pictures of me and looking at those if he feels the urge. My marriage is hanging in the balance over some one elses nasty crotch!

  • O

    Pornography was not defined. Why bother writing about it but for the pretense of discussion when the actual point was to fill up the page?

    In many circumstances hetrosexual men look at images of young and beautiful women as an aid to masterbation. Appropriate youth is better than age and beauty is better than ugly.

    It's that simple. It's as simple as an honest woman using a vibrator for the same purpose. The difference is only that women tend to be more sensously oriented than image oriented men.

    There can be extremes in both cases but these are rare and not worthy of discussion except when such cases present themselves in the course of an honest practice.

    There is, in most cases, no deeper meaning than what I've stated.

  • True Love

    C'mon girls!! is not so bad if there are not a real problem or disorder with him you know we can't deny that we like it not in the same way not exactly viewing the same like them but we like to feel horney some times just have fun on interet or maybe just curiosity so!. I think that is not that they are disrespectful or anything like that, If some of u feels in this way have to do with yourself and what do you think 'bout yourself and your own body and not what he thinks 'bout you, men love to see girls not only naked or porno that's something'bout genes u know is like women we love men or what do you think that we drive crazy by male artist and male actors I think for them is the same stupid thing...believe me this is not against u or between u try to get benefits from this and change your bedroom for a hollywood stage and do some things and some moves that he goes to view on that web sites on internet. you going to got him to your feet!!

  • Anonymous-3

    Women would also be 'visual' creatures if social reinforcement was that men are best served as objects to consume. Social power reveals itself in many ways...the importance of pornography as a means by which men (as a group) communicate their desire for revenge and/or control shows just how unimportant women really are as sexual people.

  • Anonymous-4

    I can understand your theroy. I enjoy porno as well, even with my partner, but when I discovered child pornography, this became an issue. I do not trust him. This is a fantasy that should not be considered. Please help.

  • Anonymous-5

    Dear Mr. Schwarz,

    I (female) love pornography because I lost my inhibitions over it and because one can learn what seems to be possible in bed ( or soewhere else). However, what makes me absolutely furios are movies where women are either totally artifical or mistreated. Thta is rellay not my cup of tea, I don´want to be that. However, what contributes to women´s liberation are videos where the female part is really enjoying it too.

    What I like about porn is, that I am able to imagine men´s point of view. I am bisexual and thus it is enriching in so far as I am phantaziing a lot when I am with my partner--and I don not really have to touch a woman.

    It is uncommon, but I feel like my sexual desires are much stronger than those of my partner. I love his body and he is alright.


  • Anonymous-6

    I have watched porn with my husband and have tried to meet his fantasies. When he ask me to go beyond fantasy (three ways with other women) Then I draw the line. I feel that porn industry is abusive to women The women I see on the film do not look happy or that they are enjoying it. To think that is a male fantasy. Watching porn tends to encourage men to disrepect women by dehumanizing them in porn.

    Listening to the news on porn rings of womem from foreign countries who thought they were being recruited for jobs and ended up in porn rings. I am not aroused because I see people who are being abused or have been abused and feel this is all they can do. I did learn something about my husbands behavior from this. We make love and he jacks of on nights that we do not make love. He has lots of porn tapes and cruises the internet watching porn.

  • gertrude

    As Someguy said about it being all about finding a connection with somebody.  It is true...When my guy can't look me in the eyes during sex, or kiss me, and when his sex rarely feels like LOVEMAKING and when he turns me down to get off on porn after I leave the house...I fantasize about NOT spending the rest of my life with this guy.  I think "It wasn't supposed to be this way" ..I want my guy who has sex with ME . Makes LOVE to ME, the woman he loves.  

  • Someguy

    I'm just wondering how much of this is about control and vanity?

    Porn is 'not' a real person. It's a fixation and a distraction, but it's not real. A part of this seems to be about masturbation, but women masturbate too. Actually, women seem more carnal about sex then men. The whole fun of having sex is to be able to stimulate a woman to achieve orgasm...the philosopher Alan Watts said something to that effect, so this isn't something I made up on my own, or from a porn mag.

    I know that love should be the key factor, but let's face it, love seems fleeting. There's a 50 percent divorce rate going on. So, I'll get more concise. I would abstain from looking at pornography simply out of respect. Just as I would abstain from drinking a lot, so I don't become an alcoholic....or gambling what not. I guess it's more out of addiction.

    I think some men do become addicted. And addiction to anything usually causes disruptions within a relationship where a partner feels neglected or abused. Porn is a fantasy, but it'll never replace affection. And I truly believe that most people are looking for affection in a relationship. But if there is no affection.......its seems people need an outlet to fantasize.

  • carol

    as a wife, i have given my husband every thing, i am the breadwinner in the family, making over 80000 a year, but he still looks at porn on the internet, and has actually hooked up with a person and has had sex with her because she doesnt work and can fulfill his fantasies. him, only making 20000 a year and her on welfare. too bad he wont see his 4 kids anytime soon. see what internet porn does for a marraige. too bad they will be living in a trailer the rest of their lives while i have my 5 bedroom . 3 bath house. and his car. good luck with the bus. fyi, the judge agreed with me.

  • Steve

    The thing I find most interesting is the fact that "the largest number of emails have come from angry and disappointed women." If a woman has no problem with the quality of the sex with their man or the quality of the relationship in general, then why is the porn even an issue? Do these angry women perhaps claim dominion over the thoughts and fantasies of their free-willed human male sexual partners? Also, what are these women so disappointed about? Are you telling me none of them had ever gotten themselves off while thinking about another man? Yeah, right. If these women were pressed to reveal what it was exactly that made them so angry about the porn, I believe they would admit that it was because it threatened to weaken what they felt was the only true control mechanism that they had over their men - whether that was actually the case or not. It's not just about the porn. These women would be angry if their men were getting off looking at anything other than them. Bottom line is, unless the porn is clearly negatively affecting the relationship, I don't see how a woman even has the right to be angry or offended by the fact that her man occasionally gets off on it while not in her presence. People have a right to keep some things to themselves, no matter how intimate the relationship. I emphasize keeping those things to themselves, because a person is clearly looking to upset the state of the relationship when they blatantly do something in the presence of their partner while knowing their partner is uncomfortable with it. If anyone gets off on watching porn, or anything else for that matter, it's really only that person's business unless it starts messing up the relationship. If it actually gets to that point, the relationship was probably in big trouble long before someone started getting off of their own.

  • Anonymous-7

    It's simple. Because they are horny and they want to view images of beautiful naked women. When a man sees a beautiful woman, he imagines what she looks like naked. Porn allows some men to have sex with sexy women without actually doing so. If the same woman he was viewing through porn was actually right there flirting with him, do you think he would pass it up? Most likely not. Remember, the desire is worse than the act. The reason why someone would look at beautiful naked women is because that is what they desire, what they long for, what they want. The only reason why they are not with a woman like that, is because they can't be, but if they could, then they would, and trust me, the girlfriends and wives would be gone at the drop of a hat. It's sad to say, but true. Almost all men who regularly view porn have addmitted to cheating and having extra marital affairs.

  • karen

    one man commented that men get tired of looking at the same old body of their mates so they watch porn. How about us women?? We look at our husbands same old body. But if you love someone, then they look good to you no matter how old you get. That's true love. Porn is exciting to me sometimes but I'd much rather be making love than looking at others doing it. And I don't want to look at porn day and night. Lately, it seems that my husband is obsessed with it. It get's very old!

  • Anonymous-8

    Just wanted everyone to know I screw my husband everynight after I fall asleep he decides he's still horny. Instead of waking me up (after I tell him it turns me on when he needs me again) he decides to sneek into the living room and watch porn for hours and then masterbates and has to be at work in an HOUR!!!! It drives me crazy!!! He tells me its not me its him. He tells me boys will be boys. I dont need sex everynight but I feel betrayed when he watches porn so I try to satisfy him as much as possible. I even told him that I would watch it with him but he said he prefers it by hisself. He will even watch it when Im asleep on the coach hoping I wont wake up and if I do he will go to the bathroom with my Victoria Secret mags!!!! Could someone help me here!?! Am I not good enough or does he have a problem? I feel like a failure as a wife.

  • Hilary

    I have a live in boyfriend that has 30 DVDS and a "sleeve", subscription to PBoy. Let me tell you men something: using these things because you feel we are not attractive, or to gain the upper hand by "waiting us out," or because of this one friend of yours girlfriend is just idiotic. I'm trying to help you. The "proffesionals" believe it's something women should accept and "work with."

    Everytime I find this crap, bills increase. Time in bed decreases. I don't feel sorry for him, I just have stopped respecting him as much. The less I respect him the more crap he buys. If you guys want to ruin your relationships or credit rating GO AHEAD.

  • Marissa

    If a man is willing to engage in a woman in these awful and degrading situations a man hates women and has serious problems. Many of the types of men who would engage in these acts are chickens. Social Chickens. Overly sensitive babies who believe everyone should pay for their past. Self-involved jerks. Simply-put.

  • Hilary

    I really feel that the porn issue is one of self-control. I have lost respect for my boyfriend through his actions because I really feel he is a petty, misogyinstic creep. I mean, the way he looks at women in public is as though he's already masturbating. We rarely go out and the only friends we can hang out with are his friend and girlfriend who wears an enormous bra. I mean, what a chicken. He can't go out with her, but he can drag me along for the spank-fest. People are turned off by him, and the more porn and gross activities he engages in, the worse people respond to him. Why put yourself through that just because you have no self-control.

  • Anonymous-9

    Porn is abusive and if men don?t know that they have a serious disorder, being f****d up in their head of early childhood abuse or some sort of ego. Should men have the right to humiliate their wifes and girlfriends just because they need it for their own poor life experience! That?s nonsense. Men know well what they are doing, they are grown up, they are not children anymore and know right from wrong. Men who do this behind their wife/girlfriends back are emotionally disturbed and are real sickening. If they really loved their wifes/girlfriends they would never do such a thing and if they were emotionally healthy they would never go behind their back. COME ON, lets face it! Men wants to rule the world when it comes to woman, they don?t care how much they humiliate their woman, we should just accept, no big deal,right! Yes, it is a big deal, if it was opposite, that women ruled the pornography and with naked men, oh yeah, then it would come another sound in these mens mouth. Men who do this behind their womens back or do it at all when in a relationship does not love their wifes/girlfriends, it it as simple as that. If they did and know their partner didn?t like it and that she would feel sad and crying, he would never do that. NEVER if he loved her. It is men who need help for their behavior and stop blaming on their poor life experience. Many women have been abused in childhood too, do men think it makes women feel better with that crap.

    Better without a man at all than with a sexually disturbed man. Men are supposed to love their wifes/girlfriends, not objectify other women with sexually fantasies. In my opinion that is emotionally unfaithfulness, and is not less important than being unfaithful in real! How come we have come so far in this world that eevrything?s falling apart, yes, because of all the bad porn stuff and things. Thank you.

  • Anonymous-9

    Porn is abusive and men knows it, they are grown up, not children who don?t know what sick thing they are doing to their women. Men who treats their women like this and go behind their back are emotionally unfaithful and does NOT love their women! What if we women were the one who ruled the world with naked men, I?d bet the sound would be different. As you want other to treat you you shall also treat them. Well, that doesn?t seem to be in the pornographical case. And we call that love???? Come on.It?s not love and have never had anything to do with love. I would rather be alone than with a man of this behavior.

    It?s disgusting and disrespectful. It?s to ways to be unfaithful, with porn and in real, both ways are unaccepted. Waht you need a man for when he do this??? we know there isn?t any love there so why...

  • Someguy

    I met a woman that said she loved me and wanted me to be her next boyfriend then would talk about her fiance in front of the way she never married her fiance and married some other guy 10 years later.

    I met a woman that feels porn is negative subjugation of women, and has been divorced twice in 5 years and flirts extensively with guys at least 10 years her junior.

    Is it about porn or emotional addiction and manipulation? Hey, if you feel jerked around, guess what? So, do guys......women don't like having other people control their bodies. Maybe it's the same for men?

  • Understanding one's mind

    In 20 years of marriage-passion that drives our selves can only help our man.

    The men that say-women need to do more for them so they will stop porno-or that women do not give enough, sexually are the addicted personalities to which women should realize is not their issue.

    Men have an appendage to which can get out of control to which they must fix-yes, grown men can control it-but the way a man is introduced to "handeling his appendage during puberty" is the base line habit. The world has created these easy access fantasy world-so truly-blame the media for all the access. Fantasy is Fantasy and should stay fantasy. Once you satisfy one fantasy then the mind tries to create another to which can become more bazzare then the first fantasy.

    What keeps my marriage going-is the understanding of respect of personal time-If my personal time is riding my horse and his is watching other women-in movies, or internet (BECAUSE our bodies are a wonderland of fun) then so be it-But if it effects my time with my husband than it would be a bad addiction. Women are emotional, much more than men, we believe that if our man desires another women then that is cheating-and that is because the women's brain is much more in depth with thought and emotion. I have one women say to me-I do not care if my husband cheats on me as long as he does not get attached emotionally. _HUH? Men do desire a porno women and wish they could be in the movie-but it has nothing to do with my relationship with my husband. I can honestly say that I would love to "DO" Keith Urban and would not mind a video of him with Nicole-but that does not mean I do not love my husband-nor would I ever Do Keith.

    Porno does not mean unfaithful in my eyes-we are two different species to which bring harmony and can create a great unit-Except yourselfs "women" or who you are-do not try to make sence of an appendage.......that you do not have.

    Besides-I can appreciate a nice looking body for the beauty whether male or female-Life is too short to worry about the icing-the cake is the body of the flavor.......

  • Anonymous-10

    I was so upset last night to find my husband at his computer googleing "slappers getting f**cked" when I entered the dining room.I had just finished cooking a lovely meal and our 7yr old and 1yr old boys were playing in the next room. He quickly tried to deny what he was up too,saying he was looking at his facebook. Then a massive row kicked off..the dinner went cold and everyone went to bed crying and upset..Yeah,porns no big deal? maybe not to the selfish pig getting off on it,but to the wifes/girlfriends who feel so rotten and betrayed and the little kiddies who dont understand the arguments it IS! This isnt the first time, he has confessed to having a porn fixation in the past but said he was bored with it and wouldnt do it anymore... at the end of the day,I think men just treat women like meat. They know its going to upset their partner,but they do it anyway and hope it stays a secret,they dont care. I dont want to be another woman who accepts their husbands veiwing porn as a fact of life, It makes me feel so unapreciated and unatractive and unloved..I HATE IT!!! I dont want my boys to grow up thinking Porn is acceptable,It is SO degrading to women, It sickens me we live in such a sick world.I feel I cant walk down the street and look at men knowing that porn exsists,let alone be intimate with my husband who I love so much and try to be such a good wife too. Wed even had sex a few hours before so he couldnt even say it was because he wasnt getting it,like he had before. I dont know where to go from here..Why do men have to hurt women so much with this horrible,nasty crap?

  • A lady

    So it has come to this, I love my boyfriend so very much and i have always been open and honest with him. Truthfully i had never thought of porn as a threat or a big deal for that matter. But ever since i walked in on my boyfriend masturbating right here in the living room it has never bothered me so much. And i swear to god now i know almost everytime if he has done it. I am attractive and i know i have a nice body and believe i'm very insecure because my boyfriend has to have his porn. I have tried watching it with him and i just find it disgusting and kind of funny cause its so fake those women aren't even pretty half the time and they are not enjoying it. I have tried to compromise with my man and everytime he has broken the compromise and everytime he tells me how sorry he is and that he loves me so much and doesn't want to hurt me and then i find out the very next day that he watched porn on the computer! I have now put up parental controls so the computer is not an option anymore but just today i opened the bathrom door( thinking he was in the shower) to find him sitting on the toilet rubbing his d*** looking at my people magazine and a kohl's ad!! I mean come on I'm in the next room!! I mean how degrading to me!! We have sex all the time and i will do whatever he wants, i even let him spankme and bite me all he wants!! Plus i give him tons of bjs I mean what more could a man ask for! I truly am sick of crying over this and i just want to know how i can move on from this issue. Any advice please write me at I would like a guys point of view on this one and i want to hear what women have to say also. Thanks:)

  • Angel

    A few months back, I discovered a porn wensite in my boyfriends computer. I confronted him about the situation, and he proceeded to send me a link on his myspace account in which a "Friend Request" had sent him the link to this site. He admitted to me that he viewed the site, and that was that. Two months later, I am still finding the site in his computer. He stated that he had logged on a few times and paid individually each time, but I had deeper suspicions, and asked him for his bank account information. Low and behold, I found the charges for this site for the past 4 years!! He says he was embarrased to tell me the truth, but the lying just continuted, and continued with me. I feel as though I dont even know this man! He had stated before that because of a previous abuse experience as a child, he thought porn was disgusting, and degrading, and come to find out, he's been paying for it for the past 4 years!!! Please help... Im so hurt, confused, and lost as to what to do.

  • Lauri

    I wanted to ask are we married to the same Guy? I am really struggling with the same thing. I have to say we have a good sex life but he chooses to watch porn and then masterbate then crawl into bed with me. I think he is very addicted to it. I am trying to understand why they do this because I take it personal and think there is something wrong with me..I do not know what to do, so I guess I am going to have to read more about the subject

  • Carol

    I broke up with my boyfriend approx 2 weeks ago due to viewing pornography and it effecting our sex life. I have been married twice, 1st time for 20 yrs and the second for 3 yrs. In either relationship I did not have this problem. Nor was it even brought into my life.

    When I met my boyfriend 14 mos ago. He was a very open person pretty much about everything. He kidded at first about viewing porn and masterbating. He was very good in bed and always satisfied me. Then at one point moved in with me after an arm surgery he had ( so he stayed in the second bedroom due to us not being able to sleep together). One night I got up to take some medication and I heard a strange noise coming from the room. I could tell by the TV he was watchinh a porn site and masterbating. I was kinda shocked and mad at the same time. He had no desire that night to have sex. He had also brought over his computer and I was curious as to what site he had been viewing. I was amazed to find some of the sickning stuff on these web-sites.

    Well to make a long story short. He told me it is something he has done for a long time and I would have to accept it or not. I tried. I am a nice looking woman with a good shape. I have not problem getting a man. But I loved this man! I felt betrayed and hurt that he had to view other women and satisfy himself. He boasted many times that he preferred this to sex.

    So after 14 mos in this relationship I could not take the hurt anymore and broke up with him. This web-site was nice to see that I am not alone. But he was a very insecure person who had low self esteem.

    Thank you.

  • Someguy

    When I was growing up women, girls really, use to pretend that they never masturbated. Videos on the 'internet' seem to contradict that.

    Would I feel offended if I found a girlfriend or wife masturbating? No, but I'd question the compulsion when I'm perfectly willing to share in the moment.

    Would I feel offended if I found a girlfriend or wife chronically masturbating to the point were it excludes me and I'm no longer being intimate with my partner? Yes.

    As far as I'm concerned, if you're no longer intimate and affectionate with your partner, what's the point in being married? If you say it's for the children, I would like to think there's more to life then just procreating and cohabiting for financial gain and comfort.

    Basically, I'm just throwing it right back at you. I think you got two types of people. Human beings and human doings. Some people want to do things for personal gratification. Some people like being with the ones they love.

    If you can't be altruistic and think outside of yourself, well you're screwed.

  • Mona

    Men are just pigs CERDOS, We{ll never undersand them, but they dont really care about us, they are just selfish idiots.

  • linda

    Last night I had an argument with my boyfriend. I sometimes use his laptop and mostly before I can have it he deletes the internet files so I wouldn't see what he looked at.

    Last night I caught him again and asked if he's hiding anything and his reply was "yes". Firstly, it acutally bugged me that he had to do the hiding in front of my eyes. I know even being in a relationship doesn't mean that one has to know everything about the other and one could and probably also should have secrets.

    I finally asked him what he was hiding. The answer was simple "I was horny in the morning and needed something to get me off". According to his answer it were pictures of half naked women in nice underwear. I have no idea if that's all...

    I guess my piece is that he asks me to wear nice underwear and I do, but what for? He still seems to have the urge to look at other women.

    I'm not ugly at all and usually have good self-esteem but that makes me feel really bad. Especially with the last time we had sex was only 1.5 days ago and due to having my period I'm currently not able. I'm not hurt by the fact that he is masturbating but the pictures.... hurt!

  • georja

    First, I must say this as a woman...It is very, very important to stay away from drugs and alcohol when handling problems of any kind. It is easy to feel insecure we are all human and this happens naturally. Find some good music. I can only tell my story from my world and point-of-view. Women should take vitamins and do not talk to friends about your personal business between you and your spouse do not share your married problems with your family....I find this is best for me and I am adult enough to know this is best.

    Being a computer programmer and understanding how to view deleted files makes it harder for my husband to hide porn problems from me it didn't make the hurt less but talking helped and still does. The problem brings us together because we talk over the situation cry if needed. We both travel together and I am a huge study person so I have lots to keep myself busy with. We travel together and this helps we shop together lots too and there is then less time to have porn to be a part of our relationship. Activity is our lives help we never let friends and family know our personal problems. You have to be strong and private. Only two people make a relationship not three. Our children are in college and this helps but I used to travel lots with my job but my husband never liked to travel without me so he came along with me this helped. He claims he has stopped but when I catch him I don't get mad or throw it in his face I talk and lead that I know without saying it directly. I always say we will talk again six months from gets better but never completely goes away. I find more things to do like learn Visual Basics and/or get into graphics code and desktop publishing. My professional history is now becoming over qualified for many positions. Now, I have a new problem.

  • Someguy

    See, that's what I like. Practical.

    Get to the point. Don't BS and pull off a lot of emotional black mail. If something is wrong, then confront it and deal with it. Don't sit and stew and have temper tamtrums.

    Drugs are bad, Uhmmmkay?

    Well, you got to have a sense of humor too.

  • Ruth

    I've run the entire length of experience with this situation. The last straw was this, having been completely open sexually with my partner. Willing to do or try nearly everything and still being lied to about porn? I get really upset when the porn industry tells men lies such as "if your partner wasn't so closed off then you would be able to tell her and "share" this with her." First of all that was so far from fact in my case it wasn't even funny and secondly men tend to believe a ton of lies about women that porn tells them. This in iteself is damaging to a relationship and most especially damaging to the sexual part of the realtionship.

    I think this is a crisis situation in our society really. And what I finally figured out was this: I am willing to be totally open with my partner but, I am allowed to have boundaries. One of those boundaries is no porn unless I'm included and even then maybe not if I am uncomfortable but, if I am lied to about porn ever again, even one time, I'm out of there for good. Why?

    Because I am now confident enough on my own to know that I deserve better than that and can have better than that for myself. Not one more time will I fret, feel put down, or be lied to about this. I don't care who says it's "normal" and look the other way. ...that's another lie this society shoves off on women many times. Our feelings are considered lesser than somehow so we are expected to give in or we are considered to have something wrong with our attitude. Perhaps, if you are not ok with something that alone is enough and that should be respected if someone loves you? Hmmmmm?

    I have resolved to take care of how I feel and if that means that I will not *gasp* have a life long relationship with one particular man, so be it! I can feel as desireable as I need to having sex with loving friends as I can in any relationship where I am completely disregarded, yes, even one time.

    Women need to grow a backbone and learn to take care of themselves in this world. This assumption that we must work on a relationship to the point that it damages us all for the sake of a life long partner "dream" is nonsense.

    Happy to be free!

  • Anonymous-11

    To all the men who look at porn, including my husband, I would love for you to stumble across a photo of me in one of the spreads you are looking at. How would you feel? Hey, it's not like we are cheating. We are just posing naked for other people like you to lust over. I really feel that when you look at other women that way, real or in pictures, it still hurts.

  • Martyn Richards

    This is my take on the matter. Whether you go into the office, pop to a restaurant, or stroll round the department store you will see women who have prepared themselves before they go out: cleavage on show brushed, darkened eyeslashes lips highlighted and emphasised. What is it for? Even when these women have a loyal and loving husband they are dressing to attract the interest of other males. Men, whether they are in the office, restaurant or department store find an unconscious interest is triggered.

    So it seems to me that men like to look and women like to be looked at. Or men like to admire and women like to be admired. Or men like to desire and women like to be desired. Desire is the innate drive whether giving or receiving. Men and women go down these respective lines as far as their personality and the environment allows them. Go to a social function/dinner and the women have much more breast, shoulders, backs and legs on show. For the men, sometimes it's a glance, sometimes a gape. Develope this notion and it continues right throught to soft pornography. Women start on the beach, wearing a bikini or going topless through to submitting nude photos to "amateur wife" websites. Men lengthen the time of their desire interest - from glance, to gape to viewing the soft porn pictures in a mag or online. Of course, the reverse is true, men like a woman to glance at them, women like to appreciate a physique, but it doesn't seem to have the momentum of an innate drive.

    Once they become a couple, both sexes seem to find each other's characteristic a source of irritation. The men continue to look - the women continue to attract. The female perspective, in various forms, is expressed in the comments submitted under this article. Maybe the answer is to include additional marriage vows.....I will never glance at another woman, appreciate a fine form or look at nude pictures. The woman would promise........I will always cover up my body, not use eye enhancers and lipstick, and wear a full costume on the beach.

    (Sorry for gender generalisations, everything is shades of grey I know).

  • Confused

    This has been the best article that I have seen on this issue. My husband looks at porn pictures and video on the internet he will then cover it up thinking that I do not know that he is veiwing these things. I have learned from a very close friend that a lot of this does have to do with insecurity. I have not spoken to him regarding the subject as of yet I am still wondering how to address the issue. I am not totally out of sorts here, I enjoy looking at porn occassionally and I do enjoy the sexual fantasies and I enjoy doing these things with my partner. However when he is looking at porn, but won't give me a second look or even give me pleasure in the bedroom, I am wondering where this problem really lies? He knows I am willing, he knows that I love him whole heartadly and he knows that I would do anything to please him and myself in the bedroom. So what is missing here? I am wondering if this is the "control" issue, that he has control over what he is seeing and what he is fantasizing about? I am just confused to no end and I do not believe that he will open up to me and talk to me about it. I enjoy porn, and enjoy all the sexual pleasures, so why is he still going to the internet??

  • Nicole

    This truly is the best article that I've seen on the topic in quite some time.

    However, what about the guy who insists that "it's not about the pictures" or "I'm not that guy!" while he has you against the counter, accusing you of accusing him of cheating, or saying that YOU are jealous or insecure, only to find that he went to the boobie bar while on a campout and emails himself porno that his buddies send to him at the office, for viewing later?

    Is the point of porno not to fantasize, in many instances to the point of orgasm? Is this not 'metal cheating' on the girlfriend/wife/partner?

    Don't get me wrong- I think that men and women both can appreciate an attractive person, naked or fully clothed, but when you have a man who insists that 'it's not about the pictures' and then seeks out porno, you have a man who doesn't know/isn't confident enough in himself to speak the truth. To that end, what type of man is he anyway?

    Men should at least be up front and honest about their intention and porn. Be honest and say that you seek it out, whether in mags, online, or at the boobie bar. Give the woman you love a chance to make her decision to deal with it or get out based on fact, not what you, the man, think or want yourself to be.

    Odds are, she won't stay, which let's face it, is why you hide, like the insecure coward that you are.

  • JR

    Men appear to view porn as candy women appear to view it as adultery. Don't ask me who is right - but the argument appears unlikely to produce a sensible result.

  • Wife no longer in love

    My husband will jump on my computer to view porn within minutes after I leave the house or lay down in bed. I have invited him to join me in bed on numerous occassions and he will turn me down to go jerk off to porn. I'm no goddess. I'm nearing 40 years old and a bit overweight (size 13 pants), but I eat healthy, work out for a minimum of 1.5 hours EVERY DAY and have a all natural 38 TRIPLE D BRA SIZE. I cook, I clean, I own my own business, I a good wife and the best mom I can possibly be.

    My husband on the other hand, never works out, eats twice as much as he needs to, drinks like a fish and when he's not as work, he lays around on the couch all day watching sports. Nine times out of ten, he falls asleep on the couch and then screams vulgarities at anyone who accidentally wakes him up. But it's my fault that our relationship is in the toilet.

    I have no respect for him anymore and certainly no desire to have sex with him. When I'm finished spending his money on my gym membership, and any cosmetic proceedures that I may find desirable, I'm going to go find a man that finds "ME" desirable and wants to spend time with ME. I want a man that will hold my hand in public and not gawk at every female that walks by. I want a man that can tell me he loves me in front of his friends and not be embarrassed by it. I want a man that has a little interest in what I have to say.

    Wish me luck!

  • Anonymous-12

    Good for you! And Good luck to you too! Women deserve a man who will carry their weight in the marriage as well, it is a partnership after all, no?

    Aside from the porno, your husband sounds like he isn't carrying his share any way. Top it off with the porno, and you have a recipe for disaster. Good luck to you again.

  • Richard

    Hey "Wife No Longer in Love" - mmm you sound very nice, write a good piece, and have some spirit. Which country are you in?

  • Looking for help

    My husband has a smoking fetish...I am a smoker and am completely okay and enjoy smoking for my husband..We have a very active sex life..however I'm not sure if me smoking for him is enough. I have found out that he is getting off on fetish sites whenever I am not around . the getting off part doesn't bother me but it does bother me that he needs to fullfill his fantasy with other women when I am right here. I have expressed my feelings to him on this issue but it hasn't changed anything. I do not feel this will go away ...any advice on how I can be okay with this? I don't want to be angry at him but I don't want to feel unwanted either.

  • deb

    my husband is addicted to the internet . i've known , but don't dare discuss it . after feeling sorry for myself and forgetting about my own sexual desires, i decided to dive in and find out what i was missing. well,guess what?...if you can't beat em ,JOIN em.!! no one is taking my fantasies away . i faced my deepest fears, got a new hobby, and have actually discovered i dont, need a man to satisfy my desires. it,s not all about that thing they think rules the planet...but don,t tell him that. go girls.

  • Fountain Valley

    Well I just busted my husband with porn the P----y will not admit it so I am pissed. So like the other gal if you cant beat them join just signed on to a couple of adult sites and by the way started emailing my high school boyfriend if he wants to get his rocks off so can I. Dont want to cheat just wanna play.

    Wish me luck!

  • What does porn have that I dont

    OK so I have read a lot of the comments left on this website and I know exactly how all the ladies feel. I used to watch porn with my finacee when we first got together and it was fine... But then we stopped and I was ok with it. I have always loved watching porn but now that we are serious and I have his ring on my finger, I feel as if I should be the only women that he desires. He has lied to me several times and it's like OMG what the hell is so hard to give up porn?? I'm a very attractive 23 year old and I know that I have a great body. I have pretty pirkies and a great ass and I just dont get it. But see I have found pictures taken out of magazines, magazines, caught him online, received the cable and relized that there was two movies rented!!! Then I get online look at our internet history the ones he doesnt know how to delete and found that this whole time he has been lying to me and still looking at this shit. I love sex and at one time I was a very sexual person but I feel as if he is killing that. It makes me feel insecure and makes me not even want to do the deal!!! Porn is ruining how I feel about him and I love him but come on enough is enough.

    So this is the conclusion that I have come to. Ladies we get jealous of porn and it hurts our feelings right?? Well maybe we should find some porn we like and get off to and jack off without them. Make them feel the way we do. Obviously its not a big deal that our feelings are hurt and that it makes us feel low. So I think that this is what I'm going to do. I have cried to many times and I'm done crying and asking why. So now its his turn!!!!!!!!

    Editor's Note: The problem with this reasoning is summed up by the old proverb, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". If you are hurting and desire intimacy, you will not find it by distancing yourself and/or attacking your partner.

  • Silas

    Porn has ruined my life!

    I used to steel my dads playbays, and read them. He told me he left them. For me he just wanted me to learn about sex,his intentions where good.But as I got older I started buying them myself.I feel ashamed of myself for wasting so many years of my life, Being addicted to porn. Its real hard for me to quit.Since the internet has came I found my porn sights that I visit alot. Its has made it hard to have a relation ship with women,I wish I had never started this stuff.I still have alot of life left I just want to spend what I have left, with a good women. I want to life a life of integrity.I pray to god everyday for my inperfections. I just want to be free from all this stuff.I hat porn and what it does to women.I think they should be respected.I know that many of the ladies on the internet,are doing this for many reasons.

    Its just the way the world has been from the begin of time,I know that the Devil use's many tool to get to us.I know that there is a better life on the other side.But the porn has been one of my biggest down falls.I feel sorry for the 23 year old girl that sent her message on march 2nd I hope she will find piece.I know women look at thing different.Then us men,I know it hurts them so.I hate what porn has done.I only hope its not to late for me to turn it around and have a good relationship with a ladie. If I have too I will throw my computer in the garbage.I dont want this anymore.I jsut want to be free form all this.I'm a good man I just got drawn into this stuff.

    I guess I was just lonley.I have a void in my life I'm missing a relationship with women.I would love any advice you would give me.I dont feel comfortable going to a support group.I just want to quite this,I want to be free from all this!!!!!


  • boopdva

    I actually met my husband of two years on an adult site and I seemed to be the one with a stronger sex drive. He swore he wasn't a regular of these sites and more interested in a hands on, one on one relationship. HA! He hid his true side quite well until I moved in and noticed little things he did to be sure I didn't go to the mailbox or view credit statements. He bought me my own laptop so I wouldn't accidently erase the bill paying system he used on his PC. HA!

    I innocently stumbeld across his activities as I went to print documents from his hooked up pc. Men can be pretty stupid alot of the time. He had chat/message links that started up automatically as well as saved passwords at online accounts. He knows nothing about the workings of temp files because to this day I am still able to view the times, dates and locations of his activities. Even on Valentine's Day...while I was at the grocery store buying the special ingrediants for dinner.....he was viewing sites and videos!

    I've caught him so many times and expressed anger, confusion, lots of tears and what I got in return each and every time was that is was innocent and not cheating because he wasn't actually chatting or meeting anyone. But having a profile at a site that for stupid reasons has your regular id name and actual birthdate and location available for others to view and one hell of a clue that it was more than innocent. Since I am well aware of these types of sites and understand that some couples enjoy this activity together, we had detailed what we wanted from marriage and assured each other that in was a committed, faithful marriage. My pain is with his anger, denial and unwillingness to acknowledge the disrespect and dishonesty he shows toward me and his lack of a sincere apology.

    I just arrived home from a three day "emotion" break from him. While away I searched internet support sites and advice groups for help in deciding what steps to take next with this marriage. End it or stay and live with suspicion and doubt.

    I came across a wonderful book that validates everything I have been feeling and acknowledges my right as his wife to expect and demand that he be the good husband that he promised he would be when he took that vow in marriage. It validates that I am worth more than what he gives me credit for and that it is his selfishness and cruelty that denies me his faithfulness and intimacy. I wish to share it with all of you. I is titled "IT'S (MOSTLY) HIS FAULT - For Women Who Are Fed Up and the Men Who Love Them" By Robert Mark Alter. It is a book written in straight up language to men by a man who was just as bad as all these men that act out this way. It tells husband to stop being a jerk and start adoring the woman that for some godforsaken reason is in love with you! I found it in the bargain section of the bookstore while I was seeking inspirational material to help me gain the strength I needed to follow through with my declaration that I would no longer tolerate this treatment and would walk away from this relationship without regret if he chooses not to read it and make changes as the book describes. I have provided enough love and devotion for any deserving man and will not accept responsibility for his lack of character. I recommend that all women read this book and gain back your self-confidence and self-esteem and heal your heart.

    I wish strength and happiness to each of you.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Thank you for your powerful and poignant description of how your husband's viewing porn web sites has affected you and your marriage. I wonder if you would like to join our Online Support Community and engage in the dialogue on pornography. Of course, there are many other topic areas for you to become involved with.

    I hope you and your husband can find a way to resolve this problem that is troubling your marriage. Perhaps marriage counseling is the way to go in order to attempt to save your marriage.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • JR

    Men appear to regard pornography as candy women regard it as adultery. No easy compromise between these positions. I really doubt whether an attachment to "normal" pornography should be seen as having serious implications for the personal relationship between individuals - but what would I know? Nature has placed me on one side of this Great Divide. My wife regards my infrequent resort to pornography (nonj-Internet) as merely "silly". Is she right? Yes, I think so.

    Best regards,


  • Anonymous-13

    My husband watches porn regularly, even though I am a very willing wife who never turns him down for sex. When I am asleep, he will creep downstairs and watch it, if we have just made love and he wants more, rather than come back to me he will go and view it downstairs. 5 minutes after making love to me!!! That's like the biggest insult of it all! The only way I know is because I look at his internet history. Ive lost trust in him, and I'm starting to look at him differently to how I used to, it's all so out of character for him to do this. I feel betrayed and I hate that he has done this all this time and Ive only recently found out. We have argued over it, I have broken down and cried in front of him to show him how much it hurts me, he has thrown the computer across the room in anger over it and told me that if I don't like the way he is, I know where the door is. (he later told me that he said that in anger though). It seems that the general view is that you can't stop a man watching porn and ripping his wife's heart to shreds over it, so as usual the wife has to put up with it, do something to try to understand it, or walk. If she walks and gets together with some other man, then there's the chance that he will do this to, so if the relationship is otherwise good, I guess we just have to put up with it and hide our hurt, because God forbid that they should ever be the ones to change.

    I think what I will do is start dressing as if I want to attract the opposite sex and see how he feels when guys are gawking at me and I'm lapping up the attention. I will simply say to him "But dear, you love to look at women, so do these guys!" See what that does for his little fantasy world then, because he's a jealous sort of guy, he will hate that and that's when I will say to him "now you know how it feels".

  • Anonymous

    I recently discovered that my husband looks at pictures of women online. It is the second marriage for both of us. My first husband cheated on me, and I tried for years to get through it, get over it, but it kept coming back again and again in every argument we ever had, and it finally tore our marriage apart, years after it happened.

    So here I am, married a second time to a perfectly wonderful man. We have a good sex life, and he always tells me I'm beautiful and that i turn him on.

    But recently I looked on his computer and found his website history. I found websites with pictures of nearly-naked women...not exactly porn...but women wearing only panties etc...I am not prudish or old-fashioned or anything like that, but finding these pictures has hurt me terribly. I consider myself pretty good-looking, I am not over-weight and I have never been shy about my body before, but I certainly don't look anything like these gorgeous, perfect-bodied young women he looks at. And this has caused me to suddenly become self conscious, self critical and shy about being naked in front of him, and every time we go to have sex, the images of these women pop up in my head and I feel like I just wanna cover myself up. I can't help but to compare myself to them. It's gotten in the way for me to think only about what we're's distracting me. And I am angry at him, because i feel he has ruined the closeness we had and has caused me to tense up emotionally as well as physically. And so, I find myself taking a step back, away from "us", to see him clearly for the first time. I feel this has put distance between us and i find myself doubting him.

    It's a little hard to explain, but the weird thing is, somehow I feel it would almost be BETTER if he were too look at PORN instead of these gorgeous women...because the porn would just be...a sexual thing...what he is doing is looking at the gorgeous bodies of beautiful women...and it's making me feel inadequate, unattractive, and it makes me feel like he's lying to me when he tells me I'm beautiful, and like he's using me...because even if I know I can turn heads too, i certainly do not measure up to these women, and therefore I KNOW he doesn't REALLY think I am beautiful by his standards. So now, when he tells me I'm beautiful or gives me a compliment...I can't even take it...but I end up mumbling something like..."no I'm not", or "yeah, right"....

    Although I did tell him that I found these pictures, I haven't really talked to him about it. I just don't know what to say. I have asked myself WHY it bothers me so much. I have asked myself if I'm making too big of a deal of it. And the best answer I can find is that it makes me feel painfully aware how fragile a relationship can be and how quickly things can change. Who knows what's next...maybe he'll sign up for a profile on some site? I don't trust him anymore. Maybe my fears stem from my first husband cheating on me, but I can't help but feel very hurt and worried.

  • Anonymous-14

    It is happening to me right now! The article has it down to a T! Men are secrective and thats why I worry! If he is going to have "secret sex" online with a picture or movie then what is stopping him from trailing off to a whore! It is well known that men have a special place in their....Hearts....penis? for the trashy women seen in many movies~!

    But even so! What I find even more freightening is the Online sex RP! It inovloves another peson possible able to give a phone number and adress! GOD HELP US WOMEN!

    WE! (wonmens!) are not the bad cheater guys! I personally have not the opinions of a christian church or a puritan hole-through-the-bed-sheet ideas...its not how I was raised but I do belive in honor and loyalty! Sorta of old world...view! I and I full-heartadly belive that majority of men are at loss for what they can justify a relationship as love!............simple.....If you love your partner dont hurt them.........and have some f-ing control!


    -about to be single~!

  • Anonymous-15

    I have just found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been looking at pornographic images online, while for years he promised he felt no need for that anymore. I suspect he has been doing it all along. I feel so sad, rejected, hurt and as if he has cheated on me. It makes me feel ugly and inferior compared to those girls. It also makes me paranoid about what his tastes are in women, and that I don't conform to those.

    At times, I also feel very angry and decide 'right, I am going to look at men that I find attractive, flirt with guys I meet and let him know that's what I do and enjoy'. But I know, and he would know, that I am just kidding myself as I am fully monogamous, have basically had no interest in anyone else but him since we got together.

    I have always been very open minded about sex and had no insecurities about it. We have a good sex life. Before I met him, I enjoyed watching porn by myself without feeling shame about it. In the beginning of our relationship, we used to watch porn together. But the more serious we got, the more I felt I needed to compete with porn and the more it started hurting me that he felt he needed to look at other girls. Also, the more I started feeling insecure in bed. I feel I just can't compete any more with what the girls in the pictures could offer him because I can't separate sex from love.

    I have always had difficulty with porn in relation to the important men in my life though... It was upsetting to me that my previous boyfriend watched porn, though we weren't that serious, I was very much in love. And I remember being extremely upset as a little girl by my father having playboy posters in his office at home and at work. I felt he was cheating on us (my mum, sister and me) with these disgusting, mean women. While this was far before I knew about what sex was and had no cause for any insecurities and had had no traumatising experiences.

    So porn has always been very double sided to me... I suppose it has become even worse because of our issues with trust and faithfulness... My boyfriend cheated on me at the very beginning of our relationship. Over the years I had slowly started to trust him again. Then, last year, I caught him snogging another girl after a night out, while I was 'asleep'. I have always had to discover him lying. On both occasions I had an incredibly strong instinct that something was wrong, which was the only reason I found out he never actually came to me himself to confess.

    He knew how much this had hurt me and that him apparently 'needing' other women upset me. I think that for a short time, he disgusted himself for cheating on me. So he convinced me, and probably tried to genuinely convince himself, that he would not need look at soft porn ever again.

    However, I think that after a while, it was just convenient for him to forget about this side of porn and the effect it has on me. However, he does want to avoid nagging or crying from me, which just makes his life more difficult, so does it secretly. I know he erases the internet history. Are those girls really so fantastic that they are worth lying to his girlfriend for, and hurting her for?

    I am trying to be understanding. And I do realise that it is a very normal thing for men, to want to watch porn. I tell myself that there is nothing wrong with it and try to be accepting of it...

    However, thing is... it just really hurts me and I don't know if I can deal with it. It hurts me especially that my boyfriend tries to hide it. And here's the catch 22 Should I be clear to him about how much it hurts and ask him to stop watching porn, thereby risking that he will try to hide it from me? (and me becoming suspicious again) Or do I tell him it is fine, so he won't hide it from me but which would mean I get hurt...

    This inability to trust him is such an anxiety to me and is obviously a major issue in our relationship, however....problem is, beside from this I am very happy in our relationship! I love him dearly, he loves me and he is such a support to me in everything. Which makes the whole thing more complicated...

    What made matters worse for me is that I felt everyone thinks I am unreasonable about porn. I have always been made to believe by my boyfriend, society and even my family and people of my generation (i am 27) that I am a bit of a freak for feeling so strongly. Some of my girlfriends' boyfriends just post images of naked girls on their facebook page without any nagging from them, my mum does not mind my father's posters. It has made it harder to get understanding from my boyfriend he just thinks I have deep, psychological issues. Although I know that some of my girlfriends also find their boyfriends watching porn incredibly hurtful, they seem to accept it because society does. Therefore, it has been really good to read that other women are also having problems with this. For the first time I have been proven right that I am not the only one...

  • Celeste

    I can so relate with everyone that has written in. My husband and I have been married almost 8 years, and we have 3 beautiful children. I just had my 3rd child in October of 2007, so I am in the midst of losing my baby weight, which by the way is not happening quickly enough! Anyway....this has been going on for at least a year and a half that I know of, and I am completely miserable. He does exactly as was stated in the article: goes online at times when I am not around and visits various sites that feature nude women in photos or videos. Before having children, I don't think this would have bothered me as much as it does now, but I know that I don't compare to these women, and it hurts my feelings so much that he would keep doing this. I have brought it to his attention several times, about how much this affects me and my self-esteem, and he does not seem to take me seriously. He continues to say how beautiful I am, and that this is no big deal. But I honestly don't believe anything he says, because actions speak louder than words, and if he really believed what he says about me, then there would be no reason to continue looking at nude women online.

    The kicker is: whenever we are together sexually, I cannot get past thinking that he is not even thinking of me during this, rather that he is imagining some chick he saw online and this just makes me sick. I don't even want to be with him sexually anymore. Not when I feel like I am competing. When I have told him this, he does not reply. What am I supposed to think? It is seriously affecting our marriage, and overflowing into everything else in our life. I have a difficult time just managing the kids, work and the house, because I am so unhappy, and just feel very unappreciated. So, I do empathize with everyone else out there, and it gives me a little comfort that I am not the only one dealing with this issue.

  • Anonymous-16

    I have been reading the articles and have recently been thinking alot about the negative effects of pornography causing the distortion of the conception of beauty and of what is right and wrong. I am 21, beautiful, have a great body (according to what 'beautiful' is supposed to be) and enjoy a great sex life. I have had a very active sexual life since I was thirteen and have had complete sex since I was 16. I have never felt unattractive and have always had plenty of relationships and sexual experiences. The thing is i feel I have had enough experience and I have moved on to another level of communication with my present boyfriend.I also have a different perspective about my previous experiences and although i do not regrett them because i always consented to them, I cannot understand them now. My first relationships when I was thirteen were with men in their twenties. At that time I felt powerful and mature to be with them, now I feel disgusted towards them. I cannot imagine myself now that i am in my twenties EVER being attracted in the slightest to men younger than 18. I have had contact or slept with men up to 40 years old in the past. Since I turned eighteen onwards I never had relations with older men and started seeing them as disgusting and unthinkable that they have these attitudes. This is because i have a good education and have realized how distorted the world is. Married men, educated men, professors you name it have flirted with me. And maybe I should point out that I have never gone out at night with miniskirts, high boots or small tops. I have nothing against dressing sexy, but just to make clear it is not the way of dressing that is targeted, it is any form of 'fragile youth', in any surrounding be it night club or your friends house. Another thing is there were never rumours about me and no one saw me as an 'easy' girl. I have travelled alot and have had similar experiences everywhere in the world. My dilemma is that now I am in a serious relationship and have been living with my boyfriend(25) for the last year. Everything is going perfectly and I am absolutely ready to have a steady relationship building plans for the future. He certainly seems to think the same. My worry is that he watches pornography, often of girls that are advertised as 'fresh eighteen year old' or 'barely legal', that even though they may well be eighteen look younger and are made to look younger. I told him I did not feel right about it, especially because I found one scene that was of an old man with such a young girl. He used to work as a taxi driver and has taken many clients to brothels and has waited for them at the bar having a drink, with the girls. He claims he never slept with one, but he is used to an environment where unfaithfullnes is praised or laughed about, young girls are objectified for older men and it is the way 'it's meant to be'. He is now at university, has great plans for the future and is the most considerate and loving person I have ever been with. Maybe I shouldn't worry, but I am seriously commiting to him and we have plans to marry in the future. i can't help thinking that if society keeps on acting this way and keeps on seeing it as correct for a 40 year old to have sex with a women twenty years younger than him, there is not much place for faith in a long term relationship. Why aren't there films where a 40 year old woman has sex with a young man? because it is and looks abusive and it goes the other way around to. I don't care if some pornstars enjoy their job, earn great money and feel sexually liberated, good for them, they could have sex with just as many people without showing the world and without the world being sexually repressed, which seems to be the worst excuse I've ever heard. but what of all the women that feel terrible when they are just 30 and all of the women that have to look back in disgust to those men that enjoyed them when they were still teenagers and had no clear perspective yet and now see the old buggers holding their cheated wife by the hand? That is why i can't seem to trust a long term relationship, no matter how incredible it is.

    p.s- I am not angry with all the men in the world and i am not one sided, but here we are talking about something that affects mostly women, if not I would be eager to read some examples from distressed husbands, boyfriends or guys in general.

  • teresa

    Ok, here is the deal. My hubby and I have both been married a few times each. Both of us know what it is like to be on the cheating end. We have been married a year!! He spends little or no time with me anymore, doesnt make love to me it is his age-57! Well not so! I woke up from falling asleep on the couch, and the computer is in the same room, and guess what--yup--he was stirring up those juices to some lil (girl), 22-if! I faced him with hear, that looking was just a "habit", no big deal-haha, oh but hell yeah, when he refuses to give it to me--it is a great big deal! I even asked him if he would masterbate for me...let me watch..hehee..and on no he couldnt do such a thing-that is private, and he dont masterbate! BS BS BS!

    I know i am not a bad looking woman, and I have a few scruples, but I am very sexual and sensual as well..I need and live for that attention of my husband. If he cant I am sure there is someone out there that will.

    I can say that the trust I had in him, and the bond I felt we had has been broken, and I feel like such a fool! I may be his wife, but I have told him I want to be his whore too. I should be everything..when it comes to any kind of sexual activity. I feel as if he has went out and cheated on me..the disappointment he has made me feel..I am not sure will ever be healed. It makes me sick!

  • Saman


    My name is Saman and 25 years old. I got married about 4 years ago but about 2 years ago I came to know that my husband is a pornography addicted. He often gets up in the middle of the night to watch porn movies. This has totally disturbed me. Whenever I catch him watching movies I lose my self esteem. Moreover he has friendly relationship with family girls so that sometimes I think they feel uncomfortable (I’m not sure if it is just a suspicion or reality). But I’ve not been able to convince myself for separation and divorce because I love him and he is kind to me.

    However I don’t know if I live with him, does he quit his pornography addiction or not moreover in such a situation I don’t dare to have children with him.

    Please give me your suggestions.

    Thank you

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Saman, please go to the "Ask Dr. Schwartz link to read my answer to your problem with your husband and pornography.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Pound


    The question remains:

    If a women has made it clear to her partner that his porn surfing makes her feel inadequate, insecure and unable to compete, and the partner continues, despite knowing the damage it does, shouldn't the woman draw a line in the sand? Aren't her feelings more valuable as a live human being in this relationship?

  • Male Insight

    Ok i'm not sure im qualified enough to say any of this being that i am only 18 years old, but I do feel like this is what the problem is for most men. I started watching porn when i was about 15 i geuss and it started out because i was only a virgin and it was just like the best thing in the world to be able to watch naked women having sex right in front of me for hours! And being able to masterbate and imagine sex easier. But now that im 18 and have a girlfriend and I'm no longer a virgin i still want to watch pornography and masterbate to it, or even just watch for some reason. And its not like my girlfriend doesn't satisfy me or anything. I mean she does almost anything i want her to sexually and we'll have sex 3 or more times a day somtimes and both enjoy it. But for some reason i still have the urge to watch pornography. I'ts hard to understand why. I know most men try to say its just a habbitt or im bored or whatever other excuse they use. But it just boils down to how it makes u feel and the excitement u feel when ur watching the porn online. I mean unless the guy is just a total Ass im sure the reason he watched porn is similar to mine. I't probably doesn't have anything to do with the woman he is with. So ladies please don't think its because there is somthing wrong with you. And i don't think its somthing to divorce anyone over unless he is just a D*** head about it and treats you bad. But it is an addiction and its hard to get over even when ur trying to get over it for the person you love. And somthing that helped me if you want to try it. My girlfriend suggested that we make a movie of our selves and i can watch it. At first i was just like yea w/e its not gonna be fun to watch what i already did. But i was suprised that it actually turned me on and i wanted to watc it as much as i did another porno. I hope this helps some one. Emai me if u want to.....

  • Male Insight

    Ok i just wanna add to what i said in my previous comment. I didn't make it clear that I don't think its ok for us men to be looking at pornography. What i wanted to get across mostly is that its just soooo freaking hard for men to stop looking and watching and wanting to watch porn once we have started. It's almost like crack or any other kind of drug. And I'm not sayin women should accept this. I'm saying its hard for any guy no matter how much he loves you, to stop wanting to watch porn. You should confront him with ur problems tell him how it makes u feel and stress that you want him to stop looking at it. And if he loves you he will be willing to work it out and try to stop watching.Help him out as much as u can take his computer alone time away from him. But I just wanted to let the women know that 90% of the time, men arn't looking at porn for any other reason but for the extra excitement and the addiction, and the women could be completely perfect and the man would still have the desire to look at porn.

  • Isabel

    Man watch porn, even if they have the perfect girlfriend, because they're never satisfied. If they could, they would have more than a girlfriend. That's what! There's more to life than fucking a beautiful woman. Believe me. When you guys are 50 years old, those beautiful women won't even look at you. So take care of the person that thinks you're worth spending a life time with. In the end, looks don't matter at all. What matters is the ability to have a good conversation.

    That's all, folks

  • kat

    i have skimmed over this entire analysis, much of it very interesting and well articulated, however, there is one key point missing in most of this -- the people in the porn. We are looking at exploited people whether any of us choose to admit it or not. We don't have equality of choice without equality of conditions and unfortunately many north american women have taken sexual freedoms and direct access to their oppression as freedom.

    If this porn was a phenomena about sexual freedom for all we would see different types of female bodies. We would see different scenarios like older women with younger guys. We would see cum shots that involve the female cumming several times in the guys face and not just vice versa.

  • AmOnlyHuman

    Before I begin, I just wanted to say that this is a great site and was very intrigue with the amount of information on this website. Thank you.

    Like many women who have responsed to this website, I too am a woman, happily married with children and a great husband. I have read the many comments that are posted on this website and I must say that many men who have replied with comments do not take in account what the problem really is. When I first met my husband about six years ago, he was everything that I could ever hoped for. I had just recently gotten out of a really abusive relationship and I just wanted someone's shoulder to cry on. He was a country boy, very charming, down to earth, innocent looking, dark hair man, like my shiny knight that swepted me off my feet.

    Our first few years together was nothing but fun and adventurious and like all other normal couples, we had our ups and downs in life. Recently, in the last two years or so, my relationship has been hit with a very hard problem like many of you on here. I never thought my husband was the type to go to porn sites and masturbate.Oh how wrong I was proven. The first time I discovered my husband masturbating was to some online chat girl in his office while I was sitting half naked in the living room. Now I assure you, I consider myself to be beautiful asian woman inside and out. Unlike porno girls, I do not need to know that the only way to look perfect to a man is to be photoshopped from head to toe. After a couple of kids, I can still put on a two piece bikini and walk down the beach as if I had no kids. I consider myself to be a very loving, giving and open minded person and easy going. As conceited as it may sound if I really wanted, I could probably get almost any men I wanted, of course I have standards too when it comes to men. =P

    Anyways, I was suspiscious of him that day because he had been in his office pretty much the whole day and he just seemed very nervous whenever I asked him to come do something for me. So I built up the nerve and sneaked quietly towards his office and sure enough, my guts were right. He was cybering online with another woman, looking at several porn sites and masturbating all at once. It's amazing how well men can multitask when it comes to porn viewing.

    Before I could confront him, I left the house that evening, got myself a motel room and just thought to myself what was the best way to approach him. This was the first time that something like this had happened, so I didn't really know how to handle my emotions. Of course he has no clue of why I wasn't home and called me continiously through out the night. But in all, I just really needed the personal time to pull myself together and think of the best way to approach this problem. I came home the next day and started asking him what he did yesterday and what not. Of course, he denied me of the answers I was looking for. So I just laid it on the table with no sugar coating words. Tears begin to fall and my self esteem begin to drop. Oh how much it hurted and still hurts.

    I made the analyzes that perhaps because I am asian, my parents brought me up differently from his and that's why we are having this difference in moral standards and respect within a relationship. So of course, like all other women, I blamed myself and condemned myself for not living up to his standards. So I made it a job for myself instead of getting upset about something like this, I might as well just try what he wants. However, I come to find out that his fantasies were more than I expected. His fantasies were of group sex and other weird situations that I could not as a person comply to. So we made compromises.

    Anyways, to make a long story short, since this, he promised that he would respect and appreciate me for what I am worth in the relationship and would stop viewing pornography. Sadly, like how people say it, rules are made to be broken or bent, just as promises are made to be broken because he didn't keep his end of the bargain. The problem persisted and I caught him more often afterwards. The last time that I caught my husband doing such act was when we went on vacation to visit my parents up north about two weeks ago from this post. We were in a hotel room and I was asleep, when I slightly woke up to the sound of him not being in bed and my laptop light reflecting off the wall in the dark room. I, of course, didn't get out of bed, instead I just pretended I was asleep still and just watched him did his business. He came to bed an hour later and the next morning, he got up early and did the same thing for about 30 minutes. He came back to bed to wake me up cause it was around 9am and I asked him if we could have sex before we went and visit my parents. I already knew that he had been masturbating a few minutes ago, but I figure I ask to see what his answer would be. He decline my offer and made some bs excuse that he wasn't in the mood and that he just got up to use the restroom. Of course I knew this was utter bullsh!t, but whatever, I just pretended I didn't know anything and went on with the day. That night we spent the night at my parents house and I confronted him while we were laying in bed. As usual, I'm sorry, blah blah blah. It's gotten to the point of where "I'm sorry" just isn't cutting it anymore.

    Anyways, the point is that, it is not that women like to complain or like to control a man's body/life, if you want us to give you what you want then at least make it known to us. Like men, we are not mind readers therefore we can't possibly know what pleases you and what doesn't. Sure, I myself like to look good whenever I am going out regardless if it's just to grocery or what not, but I do not do it just for the attention and glances from other men. I do it for myself because it makes me walk taller and also gives other people the impresseion that I respect myself. After all, isn't it true that first impression is the most important? You'll never know who you'll meet while you're out. It's always safe to dress your best (not in miniskirts and skanky outfits that is). If you are with someone whom you have vowed your love to than surely you can work on yourself to have better self control of your activities. If you are so bored to the point that you have to view porn as a hobby than it is apparent that you do not have enough going on in your life.

    I am truly hurt by my husband's actions, but the best thing is to communicate opennly with your husbands, ladies. I am working hard with the problem that has been handed to me and if he truly loves you than you both can work on the problem together. Whether it being going through marriage counselor or starting new hobbies whatever you can do to help him help himself is better than relying on his words of "I will not do it again." If you are not up for his kinky fantasies than it is best that you let him know straight out about how you would like sex. We are all raised up differently and taught differently about sex so it is best that if you are going to lay everything on the table then you might as well let him know your moral standards about sex.

    I understand that viewing pornography is a normal thing to majority of the men population nowadays however if the rest of the men jumped off a bridge would you jump off too? I didn't think so. Common sense is the real issue here.

    We may live in a black and white world but that does not mean that we have to comply to what defines"normal". If pornography goes against your morals standards as a person and is uncomfortable with it then just pound it in head. It doesn't matter how many times you do it, the point is is that you remind him of your expectation. Don't leave a men guessing at what the problem is and men don't assume that your wife or girlfriend will never find out that what you are doing will never be caught. She will find out. My husband is a computer engineer tech major and unlike him, I am no where close to his intelligence of computers but heck, even a genius like him can't erase all his mistakes. If it is wrong in the eyes of morality then it will be made known to the rest of the people who loves you.

    In all honesty, I could really careless what my husband does on his freetime, but if it interupts my relationship such as pornography than I will go to the extent of making him understand me and me understanding him. At least at the end, if the relationship does not work out then I know that I gave it my all. Compromising is the key to a healthy relationships and if you can not compromise than there isn't a point of continuing the relationship. By what I mean is that you have be willing to give him some what of what he wants while at the same time him giving you some of what you want at the same time.

    I know ladies, I truly know how it feels like you're competing with another woman or more. My husband even went to the extent of pretending to be me and getting my girlfriends to send him naked pics of themselves because they were bisexual and pretended to be me and told em I was bicurious, which is BS. Penis only please. So yes, I do know the feeling when you're laying in bed and he's laying next to you, you're thinking to yourself what and who is he really thinking about. It is like, he built your self confident and will up to be a strong, and then the next day, he tears you completly down. At the same time it also feels like you're his booty cal and that he only looks to you when he needs the physical sex and touch. Men will never understand how pornography affects us women nor will women ever understand why men turn to pornography, but the most important thing is to keep your ground and no matter how the situation turns, stick to your morality.

    Some men argue that because their wives are not giving them what they want, their husband's turn to porn, however I disagree because if one is not married, then one has no validating opinion about what goes on in a marriage life. Unlike married men, married women are too busy living triple lives, being a mother, employee, and a wife that caters to everyone's needs and wants. So if a man wants sex,heck just ask! Communication! Again don't expect that a woman can read a man's mind because if that's the case than a man should be able to read a woman's mind as well.

    But the honest truth to why I feel man turn to pornography is the thrill of getting caught by their wives or girlfriends. It gives them that thrill of being caught having sex in a public place which then heightens their sex drive Men do it not because they are bored, but because it's the thrill of being caught.

    Best of wishes to everyone-

  • Anonymous-17

    Frankly, I believe the use of pornography is motivated by old fashioned lust - the desires of the flesh misused and abused. Humans have the capacity to employ anything for good or bad purposes, and pornography is the abuse of sexuality. It is mental, emotional, physical & spiritual adultery and that is why wives get so angry. It's true, the sex drive is strong, but the truth is men in particular are allowing their drive to drive them! All sex begins in the mind - in our thinking, beliefs & attitudes. I agree, there are many reasons which can motivate a person to begin engaging in pornographic activities which often results in addiction, but this does not justify it's use any more than eg illegal drugs.

    Humans have a choice, but the consequences are real. True love is other-centred. Pornography is totally self-centred. There are, and always will be, consequences detrimental to the one involved in it and to their spouse - you can tell a tree by it's fruit, and the fruit of porn is rotten to the core. And that's the truth.

  • JLW

    Three things: First, I am a male, and I am not ashamed that I enjoy looking at on-line and magazine pornography!

    Second, I disagree that men looking at pornography is abusive to women! The women in these pictures pose of their own free will, and, to me, at least, they look like they are enjoying themselves, and having fun!

    Third, while all persons are entitled to hold and express their opinions, I would say to anyone who does not enjoy looking at pornographic pictures: "Just don't look at them!" And, please, don't try to make pornography illegal! Doing so is imposing your morals and viewpoints on others!

    Thank you!

  • Calvin

    Well, in my opinion you are right about both genders. But there is some disagree on some points. I think, that why, men view online porn is that 1. Maybe being a guy,as most of us guys like to do is have sex, even though we are faithful to our wives, online porn is our key. We do fantasize during the process of watching pretending it us in the action, which leads to male masterbation in private. That way we aren't causing harm to our relationship, because of no physical contact with the other person, so in reality we aren't cheating on our partner.

    2. Come on ladies, you can't say you never fantasize in private about another guy you seen in personal or on TV or band star, or actor on TV. You been busted, I work around older ladies in my job and being the only male there, i hear all your girl talk. In how you girls see a hot guy walk by, in what you check out and what you like todo with them in private. Trust me its the same level as guys do when a girl walks by. To make my point, I deprieved my wife from sex, to see in what she will do, and put some porn on TV and she was all alone. Mean while the cam is rolling, watching her, ( BASICALLY TO SEE IF SHE WAS CHEATING ON ME, WHILE I WAS WORK,SINCE I WORK ANYWHERE BETWEEN 10-19 hours shifts, sometimes for 2-4 weeks straight, no days off), but anyways, about leaving porn in the vcr, I watched her masterbate while watching, she was pretending to be the girl in that movie, because the climax was the same as the actor on TV. but she finished sooner then the actor, so the morality of this, she was totally fantasize about being the person in action. SO IN REALITY, its vise versa. And it was in private no physical contact both parties will have a very clear concious about us doing our own action in private.

  • Anonymous-18

    You shall not covet (i.e. envy, particularly with an eye to taking) your neighbor's house, wife, or anything else. Adultery is considered by many Christians to be immoral and a sin, based primarily on passages like 1 Corinthians 6:9-10. Jesus taught that indulgence in adulterous thoughts could be just as harmful to the soul as actual adultery, and it is clear that both carry the same weight of guilt: But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:28

  • Stand Up!

    It could also be that the sense of 'shame' is a spiritual (God-bestowed) blessing—that feeling you get when you are *not* following a spiritual path in your life that porn really is wrong and, as someone else mentioned: Thou shalt not...covet, lust after, etc. It is, in reality, cheating--even if only "in one's mind"--to lust after and have sexual fantasies about others outside the marriage. If you are having sex with anyone (including yourself!) other than your spouse, you are cheating. It is not an action of love and respect. It is not an action that shows integrity. No wonder there is shame associated with porn. It could be that it is just wrong--like any other addiction or affliction. That the psychiatric "industry" would like to say it is "normal curiosity" or that it should be accepted/acceptable, does not make it right or healthy. Where do we, as people and individuals, draw the line when it comes to matters of the heart/soul? Do we continue down this path to the point where, eventually, everything a person may feel inclined to do becomes "normal" and "acceptable" and "healthy curiosity" because so many people are practicing it? Then soon sadism becomes normal, fetishism becomes normal, beastiality becomes normal. These are all "sexual practices" that people have become addicted to out of curiosity or having been exposed to it as children. Drug addiction, alcoholism...the same.

    If we don't learn to draw the line in healthy and spiritual ways, then we see what happens to our world—look around you right now. The family is the bedrock of society and as the family goes, so goes the world. The legacy we leave our children and grandchildren becomes one of "anything goes!" because we become a society that devalues the wife, mother, sister, daughter...etc. If women are angry and hurt because of this issue, perhaps it is because they know, in their souls, that porn is not right in any way. It is, intrinsically, destructive of spiritual values and, if we continue to force women to "accept" it as a "boys will be boys" scenario, we do so at the risk of losing all values.

    We also forget that indulging in such behaviors shows a lack of maturity and wisdom, which in turn shows a lack of self-integrity and value. We may like to think that these things will not do damage "if we can only have a dialog" and "compromise" so that "we can work through these issues" when, in reality, the only way to truly work through "these issues" is to grow up spiritually and accept that these are tests that measure the value we place on our souls--and our eternal well-being. Everything in this world was created for our benefit—and can be used, as well, for our destruction. Only human beings have the capacity to act worse than animals towards each other. If we do not live with honesty and integrity in all our doings—even in our private lives—then we have no honesty and integrity. It's as simple as that. If you have to lie and hide what you are doing, then there is no integrity. There is no room to build trust. If you know that what you are doing is hurting another, and you keep on doing it, then where is the love? You may like to fool yourself into believing you love your spouse even as you give in to your addictions, but at some point you need to grow up and face Reality. Ask yourself: How would you feel if God, however you perceive Him or Her to be, walked into your private self and asked you of your doings? Would you view porn and masturbate in front of God? In my opinion, it's all about spiritual values—and maybe women get angry and frustrated because those very values of monogamy, decency, respect, and honor have not been shared by their spouses—and maybe never were, honesty being absent in the relationship from the beginning.

    Where do I get my information? From my life. My personal story is not important. Suffice to say that advice given to my spouse by a marriage counselor while I was not present, that he should "explore" his various feelings through investigation of porn, led to no open lines of communication and no healing in the relationship—only more lying. After ten more years of hell, I found this out the hard way. Years of feeling inadequate and humiliated without being able to understand the reasons—because there was no honesty and integrity. Years of more counseling and more lies because the truth was never spoken, all for the sake of keeping secrets and staying safe. And now the "I really do love you…" holds very little meaning and value. Counselors do not always give good advice—nor do they always know what is right and wrong. I survived childhood sexual abuse. I survived drug and alcohol addiction. All of this before my marriage. With God's help, I may even survive this marriage.

    To all of you angry and frustrated women out there—maybe what you are feeling is a gift a gift of righteous indignation. A gift of the soul your intuition. Trust is a fragile thing easily lost. To lose trust in yourself, your ability to see your way clear because "society" says this or that is acceptable, is a sad thing. Hold on to that trust in yourself. If you have lost it, find it. And don't let anyone rob you again of your faith in what is right and wrong. I came across an interesting quote in my studies recently: "This is not a Cause which may be made a plaything for your idle fancies, nor is it a field for the foolish and faint of heart." To me the meaning is this: We are born with integrity and nobility it takes strong hearts to stand up to the foolishness of waywardness and ungodliness. No matter by what name you call God, Spirituallity is a sacred gift that we each possess. How we treat ourselves and each other is our eternal measure. There are some things in life that are just wrong,

  • jerry

    I am a male of 53 years of age. when i was 15 one of my mothers freinds saduce at her house she took me home with her on the pretense that she wanted me to spend time with her daughter who was lonley. She kept making strange suggestions on the way to her house but i was so nieve i did not catch on. When we arrived at her house she said that she was unable to wear bra's because of some lump on her back just under her arm and she oroceded to pull her top down and exposed herself. I was petrofied and told myself that she must be like those african weman who dont view the breasts as anything sexual. i did not dare touch anything not even myself. She kept telling me about her experiences in jamaica and how if i had known how she conducted herself that i might think her a whore. By this time i am feeling uncomfortable because i feel that she is trying to tell me something but at the same time my upbringing tells me that what ever she is trying to do is wrong. Not only that but this is my mothers freind and to make matters worse we were at church just a couple of hours earlier. We were only supposed to have lunch and go back to church. She kept on asking me questions about my girl friends and was i doing any thing with them. i was not doing any thin with anybody, but according to her boys had to get that stuff out shees what the hell was she talking about,some how i did know. She began to show me exspicit pictures of sex acts .When i looked at them i was both shocked and intrigued and scared to death i think i was sweating like a pig. she eventouched my private parts but there was no reaction. well to make a long story short i eventualy succommed to her and at first i was waiting for god to strike me dead. We even went back to church together that evening and i was in almost a catatonic state with dread and fear. I felt like eveybody must know what i have done and for two weeks i did'nt say much to any body. After realizing that i wasnt going to be struck down by lighting i began to think about what happened. It even brought some joy to my memory. In short i beame addicted to fantisising about older weman even to this day. In my fantisies though i am know longer the student but the initiator of the sex charming them the way i was charmed. it has been a thorn in my side until receantly when i gave it all to the lord. Ijust could not get that picture out of my mind and yes i would be on line for hours looking at porn about older ladies and they have them in great abundance. finaly there is creedance to what the psycologist are saying and i am only talking about it from a perpective of understanding the phenomina not to justify the behavior at all but to say there are things that we are exposed to in our youth that have a profound affect on how we view ourselves when we become adults. Care must be taken when we are raising children that we do not inadvertantly expose them to psycological damaging experiances

  • Anonymous-19

    i dont know...i feel so unwanted! i dont want my husband touching me or having sex with me. i feel so far apart from him. he is looking to see if he can see sexy white girls? how am i to feel? shame isnt the beginning. when i was pregnant, my husband was looking at porn. he promised to stop. he started again. i love him, but i feel grossed out. i feel him is touching me and he is thinking of those girls he was looking at. i dont think our relationship will ever be the same as when we were younger.

  • Anonymous-20

    me and my boyfriend have sex all the time but he still looks at porn he has it on his phone and look at it on the internet... i HATE it and i told him how i felt about it a few months ago he stoped for a while bu he started saveing it on his phone again and looking at it on the internet .. i just dont understand why he dose it when he knows it makes me feel like im not good enough for him it really depresses me about myself and it makes me feel like i cant trust him... i makes me feel like i dont do enough for him in bed.. when he knows i am willing to do anything with him i just dont get it then i feel like a bad girlfriend going through all his stuff i compleltly trust him i know e wouldnt cheat on me but i jst cant help thinking it could happen i mean if hes looking at porn he might be doing other shit i dont know about.....

  • Anonymous-21

    I wish my husband was more discreet on the computer in his home office. I can see the naked buxom women when I walk by. I am starting to feel afar emtionally from my husband. I will still be a dutiful and respectful wife. I am 44, at an age where I am no longer going to try to compete with these women. I talked to my husband at great length how I do not expect fidelity but how loyalty to me means being discreet with his actions. The man who said he would not stop viewing pornography is, at least, being honest.

  • LuLu

    Your husband will not stop watching porn even though you tell him you don't want him to and hurts you and you feel humiliated. He may actually prefer fantasy to a real relationship with you. He'll tell you he only does it for fun and he may even promise you he'll stop. He won't!

    You've also got to stop feeling humiliated and get MAD.

    You need to decide whether you want to continue live with a lying scumbag.

    Unless he stops, you'll be better off without him. (I'm sure you don't want to hear that.)

    I got my husband to stop by copying the names of all the websites he visited also checking the credit card charges for membership he had paid for. It's not to hard to learn user names and can check his e-mail too. I copied all the info and presented it to him & told him I was sending it to all his friends, co-workers, our adult children if he didn't stop. I was not listening to his excuses and lies any longer. He admitted he would be embarassed and humilited if I did that, he din't think he could handle it. Well DuH! How did he make me feel? Now he has somewhat of a clue about the consequences of this actions.

    He still reads erotic stories sometimes, but no longer downloads pictures and stories about men fu***** their sister-in-laws, mother-in-laws, baby sitters, family dog, etc. & how understaing his wife is about all this. I also will not tolerate downloads or handwritten notes lying around the house for me to find about authors & stories he want to revisit. Believe it or not, he wants to please me I think I also scared the sh** out of him.

    If he didn't? What would I do? I would tell everyone about his addiction. It probably will lead to divorce, but I no longer want a porn addicted husband. I wish I had done this 20 years ago.

    ACT NOW or you will always have a problem........actually it's his problem, but he doesn't see it that way. He wants you to think you have the problem.

  • kay

    LuLu is right on...they will not stop, no matter how much they know you are hurting from it. you just have to get mad...

  • Anonymous-22

    For those of you who believe that it is okay for your spouse or significant others to be viewing porn have another thing coming. I nearly ruined my marriage and I was ready to walk out the door even with a toddler and another on the way. It is completely unacceptable and is a problem. When viewing pictures and movies are no longer exciting it will then lead to a physical act with another person and will only cause more problems.

  • Anonymous-23

    I have caught my boyfriend several times with it, and he knows I dispise dosent matter how mad I get, he continues to behind my back..

  • Anonymous-24

    I meam c'mon - they are not little boys in the bath tub. One or two clicks and off come the clothes - they suck for not caring but we are suckers for putting up with it!

  • Anonymous-25

    This is by far the best article on this subject I've seen. I appreciate all of the feedback/opinions also. This has been the most disturbing thing to find my hubby looking at. I find myself flirting to make him jelous now, how sick is that? How did this happen to "us"? Been together since 1995, I thought we had a relationship to be envied, now, I just feel deflated & utterly betrayed.

  • Anonymous-26

    I realize that your post was made in 2008 and perhaps will never see this reply, but id like to thank you for taking the time out to write what you did. It brought tears to my eyes.

    thanks for sharing

  • Anonymous-27

    I would like to assure the person who posted "Shame Standup" and everyone else that there is no time limit on the Internet. We read the comments to articles posted regardless of how long ago the article was written. Really, the Internet is timeless in that way. So, yes, I have read your comment and thank you for posting.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Sue

    Ok, a few of the psychological aspects I can agree on. However, this article is nothing more than an excuse for men to view porn and for women once again have to try to be convinced that it is acceptable to put up with this disrespectful behavior from their loved one in their relationship. When I am in a relationship with someone, I don't care for my partner to be viewing an erection on a women's face or a women's breast, fantasizing over some women who is just barely 18 (In some cases may not be yet) or a woman that might have been brought up in an abusive home or doesn't obviously care about herself and needs the help to get off the website in the first place. I am tired of always hearing about how things should be accepted and that morals and values are thrown out the doors these days. So, how linked is the person who wrote the article to porn themselves and what kind of income can they make from writing it? A majority of porn is degradation of women in some ways and it is just a way for men to justify another unequal approach for women in their lives to have control when women finally in this world are moving up in the world in some ways. The truth is, not all, but most men don't want women to be an equal so it is easier to have porn sites where two women are together or, two women with a man where they are being controlled, or be degraded...and oh, by the way, lets just justify it on top of that, huh? Get real. Why doesn't have this world get some values for once in their life and start realizing that this porn stuff is not only a disrespectful way to be towards someone in your is a sick way to fill your own mind and soul.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hello Sue,

    Your feelings of hurt and anger about men who view pornorgraphy are very understandable. You observations about pornography exploiting women are quite correct and on target. However, when people are very angry about an issue it becomes easy for them to misunderstand some of what they are reading and hearing about that issue.

    The article is not meant, in any way to be used as an excuse for viewing pornography. Quite to the contrary, the purpose of the article was mean to convey the notion that there needs to be a way for couples who are plagued by this problem, to find a way to find some resolution or peace.

    That is why I am concerned about some of your angry comments. You appear to be extremely angry at men, half of the human race, and to attribute to them no other motives than sexual lust and the wish to dominate and enslave women.

    That stereotypical view of men is as valid as all stereotypical views: it is distorted, incorrect and invalid. The reason is that your view bears no connection to the way men and women are, in the real world.

    I hope you come to have better experiences with men and in your life.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-28

    When I found out that my hubby liked 2 watch porn. He denied it, and would try to confuse me by lying about the door being locked. When I found all his movies which were worth about $5000.00, he got upset because he said I was to F'n curious. When I was pregnant w/ my 2nd child we only had sex twice in 9 months. I felt unwanted and horrible. This has been going on for ten years but every time it gets worst. I don't know what 2 do. He says he is a man & thats what men do. I am so upset because he sleeps during the day but watches movies all night long. When I go out instead of going w/ me he stays home but I know he watches porn because I have the password to the website. I have gotten 2 the point that I cannot take it. I am attractive, young, maintain myself in good shape, and I am very outgoing, as well as open minded when it comes to sex. What can be wrong w/him. I feel guilty, yet overwhelmed by the whole situation. The worst thing is that I can't function well around my kids because I am always in a bad mood. I am beginning to form some sort of hate against him. At times I wish he could just find someone else, have an affair & leave, so that I would feel no guilt if we got divorced & the kids would not look @ me like the evil witch. I'ved told him that porn is ok but with moderation. I am willing to watch it with him but he'll tune in for 5 mins & then turn it off. I feel that he cheats on me mentally so I have been thinking about cheating on him physically. I am a serious woman & I don't like 2 mess around. However, I feel so ugly & unable to satify him that I feel that if I go all the way with someone it will save my sanity. Please can someone give me an advice.

  • Justdon'tknowwhattodo....

    I am woman in my mid-30's, 2 children from a previous marriage, another on the way in this new marriage. I am educated, thoughtful and honest...When we first started dating I realized that porn was a big part of his life and thought it would be easily erradicated by me talking to him. Now, all I feel is anger, sadness, shame...he claims that I should be open to this, that its natural for "all men" to do view this...he does it in secrecy....he works from a home office a lot of the time...has a lot of time to go on line. He is a techie, is savy...has his computer locked up like Fort Knox...its off limits to me...he says what I don't know should not bother that this is not being brought into our marriage if its in privacy....HELLO! Its in our marriage b/c I know he is doing it...I hate it...makes me feel terrible. When I was young I was exposed to elicit material that was not suitable, it now bothers me as an adult woman...perhaps if it were not so much a part of his life I would not be bothered by it, but I am now hypersensitive to the situation! When I moved into his home I realized it was everywhere, cds with thousands of pictures (no joke), movies...magazines....all over his Myspace, everywhere I turned.....In the bedroom he is very "traditional" almost boring.....I am not too wild, but interested enough in experimentation....he is not into that...he must be fullfilling all this while he is viewing his porn....cartoon porn, real life...teens, etc. help help help...I am 6 months pregnant and ready to walk away from my marriage, this being one of the major reasons. He does not care how this impacts me, how it bothers me,....he thinks I am not computer savy, unplugs cords inside the unit...etc. Well, I figure stuff out, get in the damn thing and realize what he is doing....I don't tell him I found it anymore b/c he goes hog wild on me...I know I am being intrusive...but I don't trust goes on and on and on.....lie after lie after lie...I agree that many, many of these women are from compromised backgrounds and end up in these porn situations...they too are view them as objects, they jerk off in private to these pictures and images and mini clips...sick....if one spouse is really upset by the others actions...and that spouse does not care? What do you do? This is where I draw the line and feel like throwing in the towel...looking for some sound advice? Thanks for reading...I know I could go on and on and on....

  • John

    I read the article with interest, because it struck so many chords with me. I'm not a woman-abusing misogynist, a sex-pest or sad pervert - actually, I'm a loving husband, good friend, and huge supporter of my wife in pretty much everything. Yet....I have a compulsion to view some fetishist online porn. It excites me. Why? Good question. From what I've read recently, the descriptions of the Madonna/Whore complex are frighteningly accurate - so much so, I'm going to seek therapy and hope to rid myself of this destructive psychological problem. As with previous girlfriends, who were 'perfect' on paper, and who I couldn't have been closer to - I simply couldn't get aroused, or I ran away when sex was on offer - definitely not normal adolescent/young male behaviour. They were attractive, beautiful sometimes, but I found it very difficult to get spontaneously aroused. Add lipstick, heels, and start to be flirtatious - and it was almost like a switch went in my head. But naked, cuddled up in bed, I felt deep safety and contentment, but not much passion at all. So I sought solace, alone, in the internet. I felt guilty, shamed and confused. Why couldn't satisfy my partner? Why did I find these images appealing? What was wrong with me?

    Needless to say, this doesn't apply to all men who view pornography - far from it - but in my case, it's real and I've only just discovered what the root cause is. I desperately hope that therapy will help me to resurrect a normal sex life with my wife, who I adore.

    This may strike some chords with others, I don't know - but don't just brand every male who views pornography as a sad scumbag, or reflect any judgement on your own looks or performance. It's quite probably that they love you and find you attractive - so much so, perhaps, that they have to fantasize about 'whores', over whom they don't feel guilty....

  • tay

    im at work al day i come to find my husband was looking at porn while i am working he is unemployed thats the bad part of it all. i never thought that will be the break up of my relatonship my husbands gets mad at me for being perfect, i dont cheat, i work, i have 2 kids by him, and im tired of the direspect and him turing it all on my when clearly this causes fights and arguments and being caught doing it sometimes when im sleeping what do i need to do?

  • Cat

    The only thing to do with a partner who refuses to stop using porn despite knowing how it makes you feel is to leave them.

    Life is too damn short to spend in relationships that make us unhappy.

  • Anonymous-27

    Hi Cat and everyone,

    The only thing I would caution is to try marriage counseling first, before the major step of leaving and of divorce. Of course, leaving does send a strong message but marriage counseling is, in my opinion, a better first step. If all else fails, then head for the door.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Sarah

    My husband and I have been together for eight years. Ever since we met he has had a fascination with porn, at first I tried to laugh it but it started to become a real issue making me feel inadequate and hurt. We have spoken many times about this, had huge arguments where I have made threats to leave and he promises he'll stop. He has not done this. I have tried to understand the reasons but now I'm feeling he needs to sort this out himself, he is damaging my self-esteem and I now need to look after myself. I still love him, but no longer wish to have sex with him, I can't help thinking I'm not coming up to scratch to what he is watching. His fantasties are not mine, and whilst I have tried to be open-minded he seems to totally lack any understanding about what I want or need from our relationship. I feel our relationship is doomed. He refused counselling and we have now moved to the other side of the world to start a new life...only problem is the old problems are still with us and ruining any chance of a new start. We have two young children, and he is a good father, but I want them to grow up with a positive attitude and learn to treat women with respect and tenderness, I'm not sure they will get that from him. For me I have some big decisions to make though feel better for reading this article and readers comments. It has made me feel that I am not alone with this, it's not me being a frigid cow or unreasonable and that the problem lies with him, not me. Thank you

  • Anonymous-29

    Why would I ever participate in something that is born out of shame and so convoluted as porn....slapping, spanking....please....what ever happened to love? This is so seriously off base it's not even funny. Being the whore is a job for someone else. I wasn't born into this world to be anyone else's whore...least of all my husband. This world has gone mad.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    I tend to agree with one of the sentiments you expressed in your comment, that "the world has gone mad." Who can argue with that. Is certainly seems so to most of us.

    However, when it comes to human sexuality, there is a great variety of behaviors that people engage in willingly that others do not. It is not fair to judge the sexual behaviors of other people as long as the people involved are adult, fully consenting, behaving within the law and not making a public nuisance of themselves.

    Historically, there always have been willing partners who engaged in role play of one type or anther, in their bedroom and have willingly and happily engaged in spanking and etc. That is there right as long as their behavior fits the criteria just mentioned.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • alice

    men watch porn in secret, because they know it pisses their wife off. simple as that. they dont want to get do you say i love you to someone, and then do something that clearly is not an act of love? watching porn makes your wife feel degraded, humiliated, betrayed, undesirable, etc. you KNOW it makes her feel this way, yet you continue to do it anyway. that is NOT love.

  • Anonymous-27

    Hi Alice,

    I do not disagree with you in that what you state may be true of some men and some women. However, it is not true of everyone. For instance, there are husbands and wives who watch porn together because it "turns them on." Also, the secrecy that many men use in watching porn is motivated by much more compex reasons than being disrespectful to their wives. Believe it or not, some of those men feel ashamed of themselves and are too humiliated about it to ever admit watching it.

    Human behavior is complex and people do things for many different reasons.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-30

    I am proud to say that 2 months ago i ended my 8 year relationship & i'm with a guy who respects me & my body & i've never felt happy & can't believe i wasted the last god knows how many years with a guy who cares about nothing but his computer!!!!! He knows how i feel about his porn & continued to do it, i was unhappy & i did something about it ... i dumped him & its the best move i've made and another thing i aint giving him a 2nd chance i gave him several warnings & he refused to listen so thats that! here's to the future guys!!!!:)

  • Katina


    I have a friend who is 62, he said he didn,t know if he could get or sustain an errection but he secretly watches porn of very young looking teenage girls masterbating close ups. He also watches gang bangs of submisive looking Asian women who sound like seals and with quite a few men with vibrators and others mastrbating and ejaculating over them and at times quite agresive looking. Some times he watches bondage or lesbian school girl and older adult woman porn or 2 men and one woman but never seems to watch porn with a fully developed woman and rarely one on one sex and if he does the woman is perfoming oral sex and doing what ever the man wants and not recieving sex.

    My friend did have a 15 year old girlfriend when he was 28 years old and they were married for 24 years till she couldnt stand him and left. He then got a Chinese woman off a dating site in China and married her but she leeft after about a year. My friend told me he used to stay up and night and had to watch he didn,t have sex with her as he was so horny which didnt, make sence at the time and I told him it sounded like he was witholding affection as she,d be in bed at night. since finding out he watches porn I wonder if that didn,t have a bad effect on his marriage,s as he told me he got a computer a while before his first marriage ended.As my friend says he has a problem with errections I was wondering if pron causes sexual dysfunction or is it the sexaully dysfunctional who watch porn? Can any one tell me whats going on with this 62 year old man, did he not mature sexually or have some sexual devient tendencies? Is it a couse for concern that he watches girls younger than his daughters and just a few years older than his grandaughters masterbating tem selve,s on amature free porn?

  • John O

    I wanted to say, as a 43 year old male, that porn is the last frontier of male domination. I am glad for this.

    It started with allowing women to vote (god how I wish I could go back and change THAT) and has led to the de construction of civilized society.

    Allowing women too much freedom is what will lead to the end of western civilization.

    The one area I think the Muslims are on track is they way they dominate their women this is needed. Women are naturally very loose and without the guiding hand of superior males they many times go down the path of self-destruction, taking society with them.

    Porn lets men who feel as if their authority has been taken away (it has) feel in charge. It feels good to see a woman in a degrading position in bed to men who have other areas of domination stripped.

    Women now dominate men in so many ways: the way the money is spent, who to vote for, when or if they will get sex. They cheat and tell their husbands to get lost if they do not like it. The women get the kids even though men often make more. The courts actually make fathers who are not the bio father pay child support "in the best interest of the child" (an exception is Georgia). After the fall of western nations, in the next 100 years or so the male domination may begin to come back.

    I personally dominate my women: they do what I say when I say. But I am not harsh. I have a firm hand and to cross me is wrong but they know that my word is final and that I protect them. When I see a woman talking in a mans world, in a male role, I just internally chuckle and imagine her naked I do this in the course of business throughout the day and even if I see one on TV. I almost pee my pants when I see a girl prentending to be cop. When I see female officers on the street I just think "poor girl, brainwashed by society".

    As whacko as all the above sounds, I also believe we need to de populate the earth by developing an xray device that we will drop on third world countries untile we have cut the world population by at least 2/3.

    Editor's Note: The clinical term for a guy like yourself is very likely "Narcissist".

  • Melanie

    I've been married for almost 7 years and the whole 7 years my husband not only watches porn but he likes to look at naked women in magazines (Playboy, etc.). We have had many fights and in the past couple of days I've had a feeling that he has been looking at this crap again. I am seriously thinking about leaving him. I'm just tired of all this BS. I have asked him a billion times to stop but he will not listen, if he doesn't care about about me or my feelings then I could care less about his.


    I am 60, my husband is 59. Since 1998 I discovered my husband is looking at internet porn. He now tries to overcome it by adopting a public naturist or nude lifestyle when possible in our society. He has tried to quit looking at porn. I tolerate his lapses into porn and his walking around the house and other places acceptable, nude. My health has not been good for a long time and especially I have been depressed and very physically ill since I found out about the porn and this issue with the nudity everyday of our lives. I have talked with him about the issues but he persists. I simply do not understand him nor his behavior. It really makes me ill to live with him. I would leave if I had a place to go and could take care of myself.We live a rather secluded lifestyle and I would really like to have the blinds open during the day except he cannot for concern someone might see him walking around nude. We can't have anyone living with us because of his nudity. We live far away from our children and grandchildren and they cannot drop in. I try to understand what he is going through and how he thinks but I don't. Can you please tell me what is going on he can't.

  • Alyssa

    As a young woman struggling to find balance between letting her partner be himself and making sure I am in a happy, healthy relationship, I found this article to be the most insightful and objective on the internet. I think it is too incredibly true that society has placed such a strong stereotype on men as well as women. One of the biggest myths that most people believe is that men have a much greater sex drive than women. Even with the sexual revolution and feminism, societal pressures still discourage women from expressing their desires. Women think about sex, desire it, and enjoy it just as much as a man would. Why WOULDN'T we?!

    It is also deplorable that whenever a woman has an issue with her partner viewing porn, it either turns to her having a low self esteem, or the "all guys do it, so get over it" philosophy. Not all men do, and nearly all woman dislike it, so does that mean all men should "get over it" and stop watching? And either gender, regardless of the level of esteem, would probably feel at least a twinge of unhappiness that their partner is seeking out sexual images of other people. And that is the devil in the detail for me: that these are not innocent fantasies created by a needy mind or body. They are sought out. Sometimes tirelessly searched for.

    For me, there is nothing "natural" about a man in a relationship seeking out images or videos of highly sexualized woman performing sexual acts. Seeing a pretty woman walk by and noticing her or fantasizing about beautiful celebrities is natural and normal. In no way do I want to control the way my boyfriend thinks or what he thinks about. I also would not discourage him from masturbation, which I also view as completely normal. I also don't mind watching pornography with my boyfriend as a form of foreplay.

    There is no hypocrisy there. I love my boyfriend and want to explore all aspects of sex and sexuality. But I prefer that intimacy to be between us and primarily derived by the ideas and images of us together. I also don't think a boyfriend/husband would be particularly thrilled to know their girlfriend/wife was having orgasms to the images of other men. If a man requires that much variety in his sexual experiences, maybe he isn't ready for a monogomous relationship. I don't think that that is a woman who is being unreasonable or controlling.

    Men and women need to stop bringing each other down with sterotypes perpetrated by the media. Compare popular magazines geared toward women (i.e. Cosmopolitan) and toward men (i.e. Maxim) and the strikingly different positions they take toward relationships and ways each gender should relate toward each other. And they are with the same publisher! Its great to try to think of these as "just magazines" but these ideas get in and stay in our minds, poisoning our better judgement.

  • DL29

    This is not a moral or religious debate like many claim or believe it is. Rather this is a humanistic mental health debate. Internet pornography is not what traditional porn is.

    Pornography is a drug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It releases more powerful Nero-chemicals in the brain than any street drug on the market. It is stronger then any drug we know of because sexual hormones such as oxytocin strengthen the addiction process further beyond what street drugs can do. How do I know? I am a sex researcher and therapist for sex offenders and addicts.

    One might ask “well what’s wrong with being addicted to porn?” Let me explain what’s happening in this process.

    The limbic brain takes over the frontal cortex in-order to handle the overload of sexual stimuli and actually enjoy the sexual experience. The frontal cortex is primarily what defines human beings apart from animals and the limbic brain is the animal part of the brain. The frontal lobes are where we reason, process and think rationally. Eventually the frontal lobes shrink with the increase use of pornography viewing and become more and more deactivated in-order to enjoy the sexual experience and achieve climax with porn. So a humans ability to reason out why certain pornographic images and videos are unhealthy, like child porn, incest, or rape for example, eventually means nothing any longer to the brain.

    What is happening today? Obsessive addiction unlike we've ever seen in our world’s history. Sure we see addiction all the time but this has become a pandemic. More than 2,500 porn sites go up weekly. 65% of all internet data is porn. More than 80% of women surfers take their addiction offline and act it out. 1 in 6 women develop an addiction. 86% of men are likely to click on porn sites. 1 in 5 children who go into chartrooms are approached by pedophiles. 20% of all internet porn is child pronography. More than 140,000 images of child pornography and more then 1,000 images of child abuse are posted every six weeks. The adverage age of child porn is 6 to 12, however toddler porn and baby porn are growing in creaseing demand. Incest porn is growing even faster. Ages 12-17 is the largest consumer of internet pornography. 1 out of 5 men and 1 out of 8 women admitted to accessing porn on the internet while at work. Internet porn sites have become so perverse that adult porn stores cannot legally have its contents in their shops. Additionally, there are over 4.2 million known separate porn websites.

    I wish I could say that these findings are exaggerated but unfortunately they are conservative and more outdated as of 2007. For more research investigation reports go to

    Rape, incest, animal sexual abuse, child pedophilia and murder have increased with the nerologically influenciential use of pornography. Traditional pron has grown from basic nudity into increasing graphic perverseness in order to keep individuals hooked and increase profits. After interviewing many criminals, what is the number one linking factor between them? PORNOGRAPHY!!!!! They say it began with pornography that painted a rosy picture of what women and men want or should want. These are also criminals in prison who never thought they would have gone down the path they did. They believed pornography was harmless, until eventually they lost there frontal cortex reasoning skills. If you think you are any different from them then think again. Though there are differences within the frontal cortex from person to person, human beings each have the same limbic brain, and when the limbic brain is activated to extreme levels as it is when viewing pornography over time the frontal cortex has little chance to fight back and the limbic brain rains supreme no matter how strong your moral convictions are. Literally a dehumanizing process begins and the animal brain rains supreme.

    I have not as of yet studied enough the impact of couples viewing this material together on the brains reward system and nerological outcomes. I have heard that porn can loose some power with the mutual inter-relational exceptance and forplay. However, I have also had many couples who claim that when they have done this together, eventually the wife still realizes her husband is not making love with her but rather to the computer and she is simply the parts for the job. If a couple has a fulfilling sexual life without porn and chooses to try something new, that is a very different situation, though should be cautioned for verious reasons.

    Regardless, the increasing desensitization that potnography is OK, esspecially in all its forms, is signaling that the limbic brain is incrementally taking over our reasoning abilities and reflects the vast epidemic we have on our hands. There is a serious concern.

    Many argue this is a debate about RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, MORAL CODES, FREEDOM OF SEXUAL EXPRESSION, and FREEDOM OF SPEECH. NO, it’s much deeper then that. This is a scientifically ethical debate on weather or not our human species will recognize this dehumanizing process in time to stop it.

    If you believe I am being extreme in some way, do the research and learn what this 20 billion dollar a year business doesn’t want you to know in regards to the addiction of pornography.

  • Anonymous-31

    If you know that your partner has been engaged in pornography ....and we know what that leads to..... the problem is that you don't know what LEVEL he has taken this to. When he is away from you, has he enjoyed the quick daliance of a blow job in the back seat of a car??? Is he a perpetual oggler? Does he love woman so much that he goes on line and lines up a quick 15 minute quickie somewhere? Pornography is a lie and so is the relationship. DO YOU KNOW WHY PORN CAUSES SO MUCH PROBLEMS??? IT CAUSES MISTRUST!!!! Porn is a mild excuss for what REALLY might be happening!!! Thats why there are so many busy detectives out there! I have a message for you guys out there....before you it worth loosing your wife/girlfriend/the giving up of your children/giving up 1/2 of your savings/humiliation in court/friends ETC. ETC. ETC? ****SOLUTION*** ZIP IT UP! STOP THE LIES!....or be lonely for the rest of your life, because no one in there right mind wants a mistrusting, masterbating, cheat for a partner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Anonymous-32

    Any man who denies not watching porn is either gay or a liar. My significant other denies watching porn = meanwhile his cable bill lists the title, time and price. When questioned about it, he denies it, saying I clicked do not purchase and those idiots charged me. I intend to have monthly magazines of PLAYGIRL on the coffee table!!!!!!!

  • Emotionally distressed

    I know that men will watch or read stories about porn, but i just recently found out that my husband has been reading stories about sex with animals(beastality, I think that is what it is called) I am sick over this. I confronted him about this and he says its normal ever guy does it. I know it is not true. I am just so sick over this, i kicked him out. I have a hard enough time with the lies over regular porn but to me this is just to much. Please someone tell me something. Is this normal?

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: "Normal" is something that is culturally defined and shifts over time. I'm not any sort of scholar on this subject, but it is evident that the normal intensity and extremity of the porn available today is greater than the porn of say 20 years ago. These days it is fairly normal, for example, to see hardcore depictions including oral and anal sex. These kinds of images are freely available in fact. This intensity of material was available years ago but it was expensive and much harder to come by and so fewer people consumed it. The internet has leveled the playing field in important ways, making it easier for this level of material to become commonplace. Even so, I think that certain categories of porn are still considered extreme and above-and-beyond normal. These would include bestiality, bondage/dominance and, of course, child porn. The above being the long answer, the short answer is that it's pretty normal for adult men (and teenaged boys) to consume porn in the West, but the intensity of porn that your husband is consuming is probably more extreme than most of his peers are consuming.

  • lulu


    I have been with my bf for 12 years now,I knew he looked at porn when we met did not know how much, but I figured I was not there as he was 5000 miles away from me I thought no biggy.but when he moved out to me and moved in with me I figured it would stop because he had me,I denided him nothing as I enjoy sex myself.I started noticing him talking to other women sexually and some porn but I put a stop to that pretty quick I thought it went on for many years with us both fighting over it. but this pasy year he started having a sexual word fling with a very young girl. I cought on and he kept dening it so i bot webwatcher to monitor his conputer and wowsers the stuff i really got to see him doing blew me away. I confrunted him about it all was he ever mad at me for snooping so he says. and the things he does with his body is none of my buisness ect ect.. so much porn hours at a time. i just agree with all the gals on here . feels so good to know I'm not alone about this, he keeps telling me its all in my head or its normal for guysd.. the pain is unbareable.. wewre not even talking right because of this porn....please help me.. oh lulu is a name of one of my little gal games I used to play with my bf, not anymore no way outfits in the trash now ....

  • anon

    you do not cover much of the loss of intimacy that i have found is a big part of my feelings about my husband's internet porn use. i feel he is unable to view sex as anything but aggressive and visually stimulating. he is a sweet and tender and loving person, but these feelings do not seem to enter the realm of sex, ever. he explains to me that these worlds simply do not cross for him, and perhaps do not for most men, but after having discovered his porn use (30 minutes to 1 plus hours almost every day, sometimes leaving our bed when he thinks i asleep), i wonder what effect this consumption has on his ability to see sex as an intimate act as well as a more animalistic one. i have worked hard to accept his desire for more aggressive and intense sexual engagement, but he does not seem able to return the favor of pushing himself to find more intimate ways of sexual expression. i considered my previous sexual relationships powerfully sexual, and do not think of myself as a prude, and certainly had NO issues of self-esteem in terms of my sexuality before this relationship. it is his rejection of my more sensual desires (which do not exclude orgasm, or have to be deeply spiritual, though he accuses me of this), and i do tend to feel deeply wounded when i hear him leaving our bed, or see that he has yet again deleted his browsing history. someone needs to define the line that is crossed between a casual interest in porn, and a daily need. i know the the addiction line is 11 plus hours a week, but as a father and a full time worker, there just aren't enough hours in the day. i think a daily ritual of porn use (in his case, he is obsessed with female wrestling) speaks to something beyond healthy. and now, having uncovered it quite by accident, i am forced to be the one to broach the issue and be understanding. how unfair.

  • confused

    Last year I was feeling romantic and wanted to view my wedding video (only 3 years old). I put the disk into the lap top, pressed "now playing" expecting to see my beautiful wedding dress. What appeared instead were 2 people have sex, and it wasn't my husband or me. Holy Cow! I didn't confront him, rather, I watched to see what turns him on. Latley, he has been viewing teasers women who are scantily dressed or partially nude. So here's my dilema. If I emulate this behavior, is he seeing me or the women in the video when we are having sex? We have sex very infrequently and I don't know what to do. -Confused

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hi Confused,

    Indeed, you must have been shocked when you turned on your DVD player to be confronted by the pornographic images of two strangers having sex.

    However, I am not sure why you did not confront your husband? I choose to use a gentler word than "confront," and would rather use "discuss and talk about."

    The fact that the two of you are married for only three years and sex is infrequent reflects the fact that something is not right. Evidently, your husband is viewing pornography and masturbating instead of having sex with you, his wife. Why?

    Perhaps something is wrong in your sexual and personal relationship with one another, or, your husband prefers the isolation of masturbation, for some reason.

    I suggest that the two of you start discussing these issues and, if necessary, seek marriage psychotherapy so that the two of you can find your way towards real intimacy with each other.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Angel

    Although, I was able to gain some peace from your article, I feel as if my heart is literally puking due to the pain inside. My ability to understand is rapidly diminshing as well as my emotional well-being.

    My fiancee of 3 years and I maintained a long distance relationship until a year ago when he proposed to me. I left my job, family and life to be with him. Prior to moving he would make the 1000 mile round-trip journey every weekend to come visit me. There was no doubt in my mind that he adored me and I felt the same. We discussed or morals....values...EVERYTHING.

    About a year into our relationship, I discovered that he was spending a lot of time viewing porn. We discussed it and he promised me that it would NEVER be an issue again.

    Recently, I traveled back to my home state for a two week visit. When I returned I discovered that not only had he viewed porn, he contacted a woman who was offering to PLEASE him and she provided him with her hotel room # and he might have spent the night with her. I also discovered that he sent explicit pictures of himself to her and she to him. Just as I was attempting to digest this....two days later, I learned that he posted an explicit ad seeking sexual pleasure from MEN and was emailing explicit emails to them!!!! I confronted him with these issues and he denies going to meet the woman at the hotel and he says that he doesn't know why he seeks the attention of MEN when he feels lonely.?!?!?!! He blames it on the fact that he grew up without a father. He admits that he was with a TRANS SEXUAL once!!!!???? How can he be a straight???

    My mind is trashed at this point. I can't make sense of it. Now, I am starting to doubt everything. I freak out when he goes over to a male friend's house without me. I'm always thinking disgusting thoughts about what they are REALLY doing. I question everything about who is really is and I walk around ANGRY, mumbling stuff under my breath to him. My 16 yr old nephew came to visit and I refused to let him be alone with him.

    The problem isn't he ego or shame. He is extremely large downstairs and I have compromised my thoughts re sex to please him. He is extremely rough sexually, even to the point to where he actually breaks my hair from grabbing it so hard or leaves me with bruises on my body. At 6'5" he over-powers me.

    Lately, I've noticed that he ALWAYS has his hand in his underwear fondling his member for long periods of time when he is lying on the couch under the blanket and it DISGUSTS me. It's far beyond "just adjusting" because he puts his hand down the back of his pants too and feels his behind.

    I was married for 14 years and had only 2 sexual partners before meeting my fiancee. Now....I was just informed that I have HPV and have been developing large bumps on my rear!!!!

    What is going on here? Is my fiancee SICK in the head or just confused??? I do not know what to do. I have become so paranoid now that I get irrate when women are nude on TV. I immediately look over to see any signs of arousal and I then start lashing out because it triggers the thoughts of the Every where we go I think he is visualizing having sex with any one he sees. Tonight, after a nice day together, a goth looking girl on TV was nude and I blurted " wonder you wanted to watch this". That was triggered because one of his porn sites was all goth looking women!

    I feel as if I am going insane and it's eating me up.

    Can you shine any type of light on why he is doing this? Is he a sexual addict? Should I run to save myself? I've tried to read books to help me understand this and no matter....I just can't. He is so loving, sweet and kind, so it's hard for me to even believe that he has done this. Maybe that's why I am soooooo confused???

  • Sad at the world

    I could write a long diatribe on why porn is destroying the love, respect and pure sexuality a man and a woman should have for each other, but instead, how about everyone hear from women who have been in the business. Here's a great site I wish all of you to read. Maybe the men reading this will think a little differently next time you whack off to a girl being sodomized by a rough, huge man.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Dear Angel,

    This is only my opinion, of course, but, it sounds to me like it is a good thing that you learned all of this before the marriage and that you call off the entire thing. What you see is what you get and with the list of very real complaints you have, it makes no sense to enter into a marriage with this man. Again, this is my opinion.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Tera Gamarmry

    Personally I think porn is like a virus seeping further and further into our culture and media as technology advances. Porn, like a virus, is bad for you and it is better to just stay away from it. I think that a man in love doesn’t desire to think lustfully of other women. If fact, porn is very degrading to everyone, not only women. It clouds the mind and in a sense taints the sanctity of sex between two people in love. It is for exactly that men should not watch porn or defile the woman body with their animalistic and perverted ideas of sex. A real man can chose a different life style. I am not saying that if someone watches porn and is curious about it in their pubescent years it is a crime, but by the time you are an adult its time you start acting like one. If you are in a relationship you should act like it. The more you clean up your thoughts, the better sex will be with you significant other because it is much more intimate and i would also like to point out that porn has seeped into our media as we constantly see advertisements or pictures of women in subservient poses while men are in dominant ones and sometimes violence towards women is even idealized and seen as seductive. This is a problem. Violence towards women has increased due to this type of media and pornography. Our world should be better, we should be better. Its time for people to start waking up and realizing that this type of behavior is not only morally wrong but it is extremely degrading and gives into a negative reinforcing feedback loop, in which it just continues to get worse and worse. Would you want your daughters or mothers or wives to be thought of in this way? Those women are mothers, daughters and wives. Its time for a change and its time for men and women to respect each other because if we don’t start to respect each other things will just continue to get worse. I just recently came out of a pretty serious relationship and it was because I found out my boyfriend watched porn after I had asked him not to and not only that but imagine other girls he knew when he masturbated. This behavior is not okay, and I don’t stand for it. Quite frankly, I will lower myself or my expectations because of social norms, I will be the change I want to see in the world, and I will not go along with this degrading treatment or outlook of women.


  • Jon

    I tend to agree with Tera's comments, porn seems to me to be something between a power drug and a vicious virus. I've been addicted for at least 23 years, and have been trying various physcological treatsments ever since I realized I was a porn-junkie (about 15 years). Am am also in a strong loving relationship, and now have a two year old son. My parner finds my addiction very upsetting but has been extremely supportive in my search for help. I am starting to think that there is no way out of this situation, that once you're "infected" with the virus that's it. It's not impossible to maintain a loving relationship but it does make things difficult. But my point is that women should recognize that their partners are indeed sick/ill and need help - if they are willing to acknowledge the problem.

    And here's a note to all the upset, confused and disappointed women who've posted their comments here: you're reaction is completely understandable, you should not stand for this kind of behaviour from your partner. But - it seems to me - that most of you, in your search for someone to blame - have forgotten the Producers, the man (and sometimes women) who manufacuture this degrading drug, these are the people we should direct our anger (and, I recommend, violence event) towards. Your husbands and partners have been "targetted" by viscious imorral bastards who will do anything to squeeze a few buck out of susceptible men. As with drugs such as heroin, it's the producers who should be targetted, not the consumers (who are often merely victims).

    In other words - would I would love it see is more action from all these women (and men, if they have the guts) to see pornographers put away for good (yes, I know that seems to contravene all our modern ideas about freedom of speech and freedom of expression, until we start recognizing pornography for what it really is - are heroin producers excercising their right to freedom of expression? in a way they are, but we consider their particular form of expression dangerous to our society - so we outlaw it). What about bringing pronographer to justice, protesting outside "sex" shops, etc.

    Best wishes to all - from a very disappointed and disgrunteled member of our so-called enlightened society.

  • James

    I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about two years now, and we occassionally (a few times a month) watch pornopgraphy together. Sometimes we watch it before we engage in any activity together as a "warm-up", other times we attempt to act out the acts or fantasies happening on screen. This adds a fun mixup to our sex, and we both enjoy it.

    That being said, I view porn sometimes when my partner is not around. I've been reading a lot of comments that talk about how evil porn is, or how it destroys relationships, etc., and I think this is a case of people blaming the wrong thing. In the same way that guns don't kill people, pornogpahy doesn't kill relationships. My girlfriend is fully aware that I view porn when she is not around. She knows that the porn I view alone is sometimes 'stronger' than what we view together (or lesbian...she has no interest in that). She doesn't have a problem with me viewing this material if she doesn't like what we're watching together, than we'll find something else, and if it's by myself, she doesn't really care.

    The porn is just a fantasy. I think its completely wrong to assume that most people looking at porn are setting up webcam shows, or chatting inapproriately with people online, or whatever you people think porn-viewers have to gravitate towards. It's a fantasy to me, the same way my girl fantasies about random men or fantastical situations when she masturbates. Or the same way I fantasise about that random girl on the subway. This article does a good job of pointing out why so many women feel so betrayed by porn. Women need to realize (and men need to do a much better time relaying) that just because men view porn, doesn't mean they don't love you, you are not good enough, etc. It's not real. Would I love to have sex with other women? Of course. But I don't love them, and I would never do that. Because I love my girlfriend and she is more important to me than all of that crap.

    So your man looks at some naked pictures of some centerfold when you aren't around. If he was dating that centerfold he would be looking at naked pictures of you when she wasn't around. The relationships in which porn creates problems is ones in which the partners are not emotionally capable of seperating reality and fantasy. I'm not saying this is their fault. There is a proverbial laundry list of reasons why porn can hurt relationships. But that doesn't mean porn has to hurt relationships, or that its the cause of angst in a relationship the hurt feelings it causes are usually the result of previous inequities and 'cones of silence' between partners, and this is by no means just criticizing the female side of the equation.

    My girlfriend and I enjoy biting, slapping, tying each other up, and sometimes acting out some pretty degrading acts to one another. Many of these acts we (or mostly I) first saw in porn. But, they're just fun sexual ideas just because I slap her doesn't mean anything. In the context of our sexual roleplaying or adventure, its just another turn. When its done, we relay our feelings for each other, and what we just experienced. I'd say, in reference to porn, communication is really the key. In fact, it'd make everyone's sexual life a lot better in general, and help keep porn where it belongs, in fantasy, and not into the realm of reality where it affects relationships.

    That's just my two cents. I suppose I should consider myself very lucky, that my partner and I are emotionally able to handle porn as part of our sexual and normal lives. I imagine most are not so lucky. Regardless, getting upset at porn is a little like shooting the messenger it's the men and the women and their relationships that are causing problems not the porn.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hi James,

    I want to thank you for your comment and state that it has a lot of merit.

    In my opinion, its terrific that you and your girlfriend can view porn together and intergrate it into your mutual sex lives, to excite and enliven each other.

    The other people on this site whose comments you have read, do not have this positive attitude because their men are viewing porn in secret, masturbating in secret and, in effect, are creating a secret life for themselves that excludes their wives or girlfriends.

    Having pointed this out to you, I am also aware that there are those wives and girlfriends who totally disapprove of porn and reject any notion of viewing it with their partner for any reason. They are not wrong because there is no right or wrong on this my opinion.

    Also, there are those couples who report that the wife or girlfriend has been invited to view the porn together and still find it objectionable.

    Lastly, there is the very real problem of Internet porn being very addictive. In your case, you admit viewing it sometimes alone.

    Lastly, lastly, Internet porn is not "Centerfold" types of stuff. If it was a matter of just being Playboy magazine, I do not think it would arouse such opposition. Instead, it is graphic, sometimes very violent and even exploits children and very young teenagers. Please do not take this to mean that I am against what you and your girlfriend are doing because I am not. It just a very complex topic.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-33

    My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts. We've been together for about 10 years now. He was my first and I was his second. We've always been physically attracted to each other and he has always been honest with me in terms of pornography. My b.f. and I enjoy porn together, re-enacting it and foreplay I like to think we have a healthy love life.

    But within this past year I've been feeling very self conscious. I think his porn watching has been hurting our sex life because he'll watch porn about two days in a row and not touch me for at least a week and a half. That hurts me because when we have sex during this week and a half, it's strictly "sex", meaning no foreplay, no connection, no anything just in and out. Most times he orgasms and I'm left hanging. But if I give him some time after this week and a half, he'll be interested in the connection and love making, rather than just sex. So we started making appointments for sex to remedy this, but it's not working either.

    I used to be okay with his porn watching but now it's making me feel inadequate. Recently he told me that it's because I take too long to orgasm so he tries to increase his stamina by 'working out' per say. Although it is true it takes me awhile, I can't help but feel cheated. I feel that it's my fault for making him feel de-masculined if that's the case, because after he orgasms first, he can't hold an erection anymore and he ends up feeling like he failed. Then he'll promise me next time but there's always a 75% chance he does it again. So the question is, if he's really trying to increase his stamina, why isn't it working? And second why sex for his enjoyment only then? I used to be okay with pornography but now I feel cheated. Hopefully you have some insight in my dilemma. Thanks in advance.

  • Hurt and Confused

    I have always disliked least the idea of my boyfriend watching it. The other day, I finished showering and when I walked into my room where my boyfriend was, he quickly tried to "hide himself." He tried to lie about the fact that he had just masturbated while watching pornography...and continued to tell lies, one after another, until he finally told me the whole truth. He started watching it recently because a friend showed him a certain search engine that doesn't require downloading anything.

    The hardest part of this whole situation for me to understand is, why was he watching the pornography when I was available? It wasn't as though we were separated for a while and he felt lonely, he was sneaking to watch pornography, when I was right there! At one point, he was watching it while I was asleep on the couch next to him! And another time, we were hanging out before meeting up with some friends, and I checked the "history" later that week to find that he was even looking at that stuff during the short time before meeting our friends!

    He has pictures of me from recent times that we've been intimate, and he takes these pictures for the purpose of looking at them later. But instead of looking at those, he looked at the pornography! He was deliberately going out of his way to watch videos and look at pictures of other girls! Not just videos of people engaging in sexual activities, but pictures of girls by themselves. Talk about making a girl feel bad! This new information made me feel ugly and not sexually appealing.

    He couldn't come up with any explanations as to why he did this. I was a deeper way than I can explain. I just don't understand why he would turn to pornography, if I'm right here??

  • David

    So I was reading your little article about why we, men, like to look at pornography and I must say that I respectfully disagree with practically every "theory" that you have on the subject.

    First of all, the reason we (and I think every man agrees with me) like pornography is because we simply love to ejaculate. We were built for this, It's engraved into our very DNA. When we are in the mood and our sexual partner isn't due to one of her timely "headaches" we are forced to find other means of pleasure. After a while of hearing excuses we don't even ask you any more if you are in the mood, we just head straight for the computer.

    The reason we watch our pornography in "secrete and in isolation" is simply because of you women. By the negative stereotypes that you build around pornography we feel like we are forced to view our pornography in solitude, just so we wont be judged by you.

    ALL men watch porn. It's a simple fact, even if you think he doesn't believe me, he does, and more than you may think. It's something you ladies will just have to learn to live with. Just like we have learnt to live with your "headaches" and constant mood swings.

    I hope I may have enlightened at least a few of you on why we REALLY view pornography. It's not because we don't love you, its because you aren't there for us in our time of need.

    Sincerely and TRULY,

    A REAL man

  • Anonymous-34

    Dear REAL MAN,

    You have just provided another reason why women get upset over men watching pornography. YOU'RE SELFISH. All you care about is pleasuring yourself because "that's what you're made for." Ridiculous.

  • c22

    So ive only been with my boyfriend for a year and he never veiwed porn alone in the begining... we had ALOT of sex but who doesnt in the begining. and let me clear this up i am NOOO prude. Im very comfortable with my body im very good looking and have been told im great in bed by many men ive been with.... so about every 3 months when he was drunk i would be giving him head or i would be sleeping and he would pull me off and jack off... if i was giving head head he'd pull me back to blow in my mouth... which i was ok with thought it was kinda kinky but.... when i was sleeping??? he can just wake me up and he knows that. then the next time was he couldnt get it up so he jacked off for a bit to get it up... and then just finished?! i began to think this act was a bit selfish cause then im stuck ready to go and he wants to go to sleep. then he was acting different one day and a few days before had spouted off a porn site name to his friend joking around so i typed it into our history and found he had been watching porn lately. so i let it go figured it was ok if he was out of town... rather that then another girl ya know. but i started checking it and found he had been doing it more and more while i was at work... and then he wonders why i would act weird when i wanted to have sex when i got home and he wouldnt?!? so we kinda talked about it and he says its no harm he doesnt do it alot and its just a quick fix. well lately when i check he has been serching for a few specifics girls' names so he must be highly attracted to them.... let me inform you i am the first dark haired women hes been with but the only one hes been in love with, but all his exes are blondes and guess what these women hes specificly looking for their videos on the porn site are ALL blondes.... how should that make me feel? i know all women feel like there not good looking or sexy enough for their men and thats why they turn to porn but i didnt have those feeling until i found he was specifically going to certain women not just any video.... and they look the opposite of me. help how do i bring it up or how should i feel about this!?!

  • Loki

    so none of you girls who are all hurt knowing you're boyfriend/husband watches porn, have ever fantasized about guys other than your partner while masturbating, or even having sex with him for that matter?

    something tells me you have.... and probably a lot more often then you'll ever care to admit.

    what's the difference beteen that and watching porn?... really

  • Little L

    As far as married men and porn go, I think it is simply a matter of the fact that men love sexual variety. It keeps their arousal levels high. This is needed by many married guys because after years of having sex with the same person their desire levels tend to drop. Porn brings them back up to where they were when the man was young and first dating and having sex. Add masturbation to the mix which in itself is more phsyically stimulating that vaginal sex and you have a very intense sexual experience.

    Some men can walk the fine line between masturbating to porn and having sex with their wives. Men can neatly seperate the two quite easily. However, the intesity of the visual aspect of porn, together with it's unlimited variety combined with sexual boredom in the marriage can cause some men to come to prefer the pron and maturbation experience over partner sex and this is when the trouble starts.

  • cc22

    so i get all that, but none of that answered my question. so should i be bothered by him serching for a particular women that are all the exact opposite of me?? and im sure this is a no win battle men think its ok women think its not. and i think its the amount... women masturbate but dont need or choose to not have the visual efect of porn most of us think about being with our men at lest i do. and if i watch porn its HARDELY ever. so why do men have to watch porn and jack off numerous times durring the week even though there partner is wanting to get off just as much just ass bad but by them. if i have an urge to get myself off i think about how long will it be until i can sleep with my man... if for a day or two fine but if tomorrow or a few hours WHATS THE POINT. men dont think about that they just go with their gut on i want to et off so im going to.

    anyways..... so if i dont really like it, i mean if hes out of town fine, but what kind of ground rules should there be and what do YOU men think is far?? Also would us making videos he could watch or pics he could have help?? causes hes brought that up and i have no prob with that... or is it that he just wants a change and is trying to make me assume hes looking at those instead??

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hello CC22,

    If you are bothered then there is no "should I be." You are bothered by what he does with porn. Frankly, I do not blame you.

    In my opinion, sex is something that happens between two people who are in love. They turn to each other for sexual gratification. That means that, within the context of their relationship, they want to gratify one another. Based on this intimacy and trust, couples experiment with different positions, share fantasies and may even use toys and playfullness. Sometimes the sex is loving, sometimes its erotic, sometimes its completely lustful, however the two lovers feel at the time.

    Some couples enjoy viewing porn together as a way to further stimulate them and that is fine. Porn becomes a problem when it occurs outside of the context of the relationship, in secrecy and with the disapproval of the partner. What you boy friend does is not with your approval and it takes him outside of the relationship. I do not blame you for disapproving.

    A loving couple may masturbate together sometimes. The fact is that when sex is a shared activity, and that is the way its supposed to be, both people feel good and no one needs to feel rejected and not good enough.

    Does this answer your question?

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Scotty

    My gf and I like to watch porn before and during sex. Keeps things interesting & fun :)

  • Anonymous-35

    I found the article to be very interesting. You gave me some things to think about regarding how men view porn. But you clearly don't know as much as you think you do about women. Our issues aren't nearly as simplistic as you describe.

  • Car

    The problem with porn use is that like most other pleasures and habits, it doesn't stay the same. It escalates - gradually - and people who are into it get more and more desensitized to what used to turn them on and so they reach for wilder and wilder material - thinking that they'll be satisfied, but this never ends. So we go from "girly" pictures to "sex films" to some really hardcore material - some of which is produced by filming people who are captive as sex slaves. I was a "secure" woman who didn't mind my husband's use of porn - and some years later - with 2 young daughters in the house, I found some REALLY terrible material that portrayed violence and perversion that I won't even describe. WHAT THEN was I supposed to do. I'm still in my marriage - and more years have passed since then and my daughters are almost grown. I have spent the past decade plus keeping a watchful eye on my husband - and yes - the family is together and the children are unscathed, but at what personal toll to me. I will never look at my husband the same way or love him the same way and one day, I may decide to leave him forever. Big price to pay for porn.

  • Anonymous-36

    okay so answer me this... i never have an excuse i have sex with my boyfriend everytime he wants to have sex. and i always enjoy it... then there are a lot of times where in the middle of sex he will go limp.. i didnt think much about it at first you know that happens sometimes.. but over the almost 2 yrs we have been together i have caught him trying to talk to other girls thru his email, that was about a yr ago and he said that stopped which it has... then it was he was looking at girls on his phone.. one time WHILE I WAS LAYING IN BED NEXT TO HIM!!!! now its watching porn on the tv.. for the last two weeks i kno he has been watching it and he keeps lying to me about it, and two nights ago we are having sex and he goes limp again... the next day i get home and i catch him red handed jerking off, like are you kidding me??? and he contunied to lie to me about it... now that i know for a fact that he is, i kno now thats why we dont have nearly as much sex as we use to and he ovb doesnt like my small chest so he watching big boob porno and getting limp watching me.. so someone please tell me what im doing wrong? cause everything i have read is not good advice...

  • Anonymous-37

    What kind of school did you go to? Seriously that doesn't happen in any of the places ive lived in my time, and i used to move around a lot.

  • Anonymous-38

    As a beautiful, loving & dedicated mother/ wife, I am appalled by your consent to protect/ ensure men with pornagraphic addictions be excused and justified. I do not read any comments promoting the beautiful and respectful females behind these porno-addict males.

    I have gone beyond to understand, explore and try to be a more seductive woman just to please my man putting my wants/ needs aside. This is an increasing problem in the world of marriage and commitment with respect being pushed aside and children possibly becoming the targets/ replicas of self-centered perverts satisifying their needs and not being real fathers/ husbands/ men as in simpler times when they were to provide and protect their loved ones.

    I have been to marriage/ family counseling and only to learn my other half is scared to reveal his inner self and seek help for his self let alone his young boys who need a father figure rather than a perverted secret porno guy.

    Why bail out rather than face the demon within?

    His wife who is no longer going to take the back seat, realizing her real beauty lies deep within along with her hard working motherhood/ wife duties and deserving the best opportunities for the children to live healthy and happy. She has earned her respect and peace along with her children who deserve nuturing and loving relationships and strive to gain them.

    If an individual is/ has become so self-centered and ill to sacrifice for their own needs and put aside the family they claim to love, it is without a doubt to move on and learn from these lessons in life. This person shall live their life as such unless they decide to walk the lighted path God has chosen and provided to teach and nuture their families.

    I do not consent to making others miserable and stepping down to their needs always. Marriage is a joint concession and it is with great admiration to love others and wish to be treated the same as you treat others. Simply said.....

    Men/ fathers/ lovers seem to be excusied for all reasons putting their female sexual partners and children to the backseat for their own self-gratification as number one!

    This is so frightening and wrong when we are to work as one for our common goals and morals!

  • readytowalk

    As stated in others comments, the allowance given to men pertaining to porn is unfair and unjust. How is it that we refer to men as more sexual creatures yet, women often experience less sexual activity because the man is busy satisfying himself with porn rather then sharing the experience with his wife/partner?

    I have come to believe through much research that one of the reasons women feel so betrayed is because we are often left unsatisfied and unfulfilled sexually because our mates desire is limited due to constant self masturbation and fulfillment with porn. I don't understand why once they have seen enough, they can't just refer to their mental encyclopedia of porn while being intimate with us so we both feel satisfied at the end. I should not have to live without sex because I am being replaced by videos and hands. If that life is more appealing, I would be glad to leave him and his video's to their life together and find a partner who is more interested in sex with me, where on occasion we could enjoy porn together.

    When I ask "why", "what is it that you are desiring that our love life doesn't fulfill"? I consistently get the "nothing" answer. Well, if that is the case, then why is it a MUST in life? Our bodies crave what we are lacking, from water, to vitamins and nutrients, to sex. There is a cause for this behavior, and the excuse of, "men are more sexual beings" doesn't float with me. Women all over the world are unfulfilled buy men because they are unable to achieve as hard of an erection because their "susie-homemaker" can no longer compare to their "Debbie Does Dallas". The equivalent would be to have sex staring at a poster of their exact opposite, and talk to a man everyday who is everything their husbands aren't then see how our excitement dwindles when they want to bed us! The shame of their erection is a direct correlation to the fact they know that when they make love to us they don't get as hard or aroused and they do while watching their pornographic material. If they put down the porn, and allowed themselves to get built up with anticipation for their wives, they wouldn't have to question their sexual adequacy.

    There is no excuse except for lack of communication and self-awareness. If asked "why" they should have an answer. Give your wives a chance, tell her what you want. If you hold in the insecurity and shame it will only create more turmoil for the relationship. Men have an insecurity about fulfilling us as much as we do with them. Both deserve to get what they want, together, in unison. Neither party deserves to be more satisfied then the other, and when a woman is replaced by porn that is exactly what happens!! Think about it!! Before women make a movement to replace you with BIGGER, HARDER, LONGER DILDO'S...that can event vibrate and swivel!! Men always says its a unfair advantage because their penis is unable to do those tricks, so we shouldn't compare. Well we aren't able to change to be the women on screen and get those bodies after baring your children, so you should compare, but watching, enjoying, and desiring porn, you compare on a regular basis...fair is as fair does!

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    It is very clear from the many comments on this blog that many women are angry about their husbands or boyfriends use of pornography. That is understandable. What I am not clear about is why many of the women who have commented seem to believe that men have some type of allowance or permission to use porn. I certainly hope that no one believes that I implied such consent or allowance because that was not and is not my intention.

    In addition, it is appaling to me that any father would leave any type of pornography around the house where it can be found by their children, male or female. No, porn should not be used, in my opinion and the family and children should be protected from it.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • em

    I have been in a commited relationship with my bf for 2 1/2 years and we moved to a different state after college and have been living together for 7 mo. My bf is currently out of town looking for work and last night when going to check my face book page i found a recently viewed page called MyF*ckbook. I went to the sight and put in the first letter of his name and a screenname and a saved password opened his page. I was shocked and hurt to see that he had posted a nude photo of his erect penis on there and the first thing you see when you log on is other nude women. I know most guys watch porn, but posting nude pics of himself seemed a little extreme. I noticed that he had no friends or messages in his inbox or sentbox but he did have something called a "hotlist" of slutty women.

    I immediately called him to ask what it was. He continually said "I'm sorry, I never cheated on you, I never talked to anyone, I don't want to be with anyone else, you make me a better person, please don't leave please, can we start over...etc" I asked him "If I had a nude pic of me online how would you feel?" he said "hurt and angry". So why would he do this to me? I have been crying and upset about this since last night.

    He called me this morning to tell me that he got the job that he was seeking in another state and he wants me to move there with him. I simply said I don't know.

    He gets back tonight and obviously we have a lot of talking to do. I defenitely feel betrayed, angry, sick and can not even think of him sexually at this time. I am weighing the options of leaving him to go back to my hometown where I have tons of connections and opportunity or move with him to yet another state where I know no one, again.

    Generally, we have a very loving and fruitful relationship but it is full of double standards. He is very protective over me. Do you have any advice for me? I know that this situation is different than just "porn" because he posted himself on the internet where by just one click he could be chatting it up with some whore although, he claims he never did. I want to handle this situation as resposibley and maturely as I can because I really do love him and I value our connection and life together. I am interested to hear your thoughts. Thanks.

  • Anonymous-39

    I found your article in a quest to better understand what is “normal” (if we can even use this word) with regard to amount of pornography men watch/look at. I was feeling a bit of resentment toward my husband and his interest in pornography. To be clear, I think viewing a certain amount of pornography is very normal and not necessarily a problem. I was surprised by my feelings of resentment and wanted a better understanding of his motivations and my reaction. After reading the article, I realized that we have similar issues when it comes to expression of our sexuality but that those issues manifest themselves in different ways.

    What really surprised me were the responses! It seems like many of the women responding want to attribute their relationship issues to something and they have chosen to believe that porn is at the root of their problems. Many attributed their partner’s lack of interest in them/their sexual fulfillment to porn. If your husband is not interested in you or your sexual pleasure, I think you have a bigger problem than the fact he looks at porn. If you are feeling pushed aside, or that your children are being pushed aside, then THAT is the problem regardless of what you are pushed aside for.

    It also seemed many women thought part of their “reward” for being good wives, mothers, etc should be a husband who doesn’t get aroused by visually erotic material. Have they considered that maybe their husband watching porn doesn’t have anything to do with them, the way they look, how good a mother they are, etc? I think that sexuality is a very personal thing and that it has everything to do with the person and their experiences. It should not be seen as a reflection of other people or their worth, even if that person is your spouse.

    If you are describing the person you are married to as a sick-o, and your estimation of him is completely defined by this one aspect of his life, I’m guessing things were over a long time ago. With so much judgement out there, it’s not surprising that men hide it!

    I certainly don’t tell my husband my every fantasy or confide every situation/scenario that I might find erotic. I wish I could. I’m just not there yet. I/we have made a lot of progress in our seven years of marriage and our sex life reflects that. I know that my own set of experiences has left me with certain issues that my husband might read as disinterest in him or in sex if we didn’t talk about them. Even then, I know sometimes he takes it personally or doesn’t feel that I find him attractive when the exact opposite is true. Sometimes there isn’t even anything to say because I don’t really understand me either. I don’t know how I feel about my husband watching porn. Truthfully, I probably feel differently about it at different times. The bottom line is we continue to work on it, on us, on our ability to communicate, on our unique set of issues. We try to be open-minded, reserve judgement and see us and our relationship as a work in progress. If one or both of the people in the relationship have lost the desire to do that then that should be the focus, not whether your partner watches porn or doesn’t. Women, do not read this as meaning “suck it up”. If his porn is a problem for you as an individual, then it should be seen as a problem for both of you to tackle together.

  • Slightly frustrated

    So my bf and I have been together for slightly over 1 year. We moved in together relatively early on in our relationship and have learned quite a bit about each other. When I first discovered the fact that he watched porn on the internet, I felt just as the article described. Even though I have received many compliments, telling me how attractive I am. I didn't think I was attractive enough for him... not thin enough, not fit enough. I just turned 40 this year, and don't feel any older. He is 47. However, even with compliments, him turning to porn, just made me feel like I didn't stimulate him sexually. Much of the porn that he was looking at was from teen sex sites. And that bothered me more than the fact that he was looking at porn. I confronted him and told him that I didn't really have that big of an issue of him looking at naked women on internet, but I did have a serious issue with the sites that have girls who don't even look 16 or 17. He argued and said that I just was insecure. That these girls are all well above legal age and all men prefer to look at fit young women. There would be quite a stretch between our sexual enounters, so when I found out how often he watched porn... it hurt very much. And I couldn't understand why he didn't want to have sex with me, and I enjoy sex and am always willing and usually have to be the one to initiate things. He said that maybe we just needed something different to stimulate our sex life. I said well, we can try watching adult porn together, which is fine. I'm not so insecure about my body that I can't watch it and it does encourage intimacy. However, once again, I've discovered that the only sites he is watching is secrete and isolation are the teen porn sites. This seriously bothers me and I've confronted him about it again. Why doesn't he choose the sites where there are beautiful "women" and not girls??? By the way, I forgot to mention that his ex-wife is 12 years younger than he is and she does have the body of a 17 year old. Is he fantasizing about being with her?

  • star

    Okay I truly think it is very sick and nasty. Okay men if you are going to watch porn be very smart and hide your porn from your woman don't have it post on your website or out in the living room. Men do know the living suppose to be a family room... Women try so hard to look sexy for there men try to have sex with them any time they want it and any where they want it. But yet they have porn around the house.and post on the website where we can see it. Look men if you going to watch porn at least put it away. However I truly think a man should only watch porn if his wife is not giving him any cookie at all. however if she is giving him cookie there is no need to really watch porn unless he is not happy with her when they have sex. so he have to watch porn to make him really happy

  • Amy

    I'm a 43 yr old woman involved and living with a 46 yr old man for about a year now. He has deep seated trust issues after some pretty harsh treatment by women in his life prior to me....he was cheated on, stolen from, etc.

    Our bedroom time is ok. Not earth shattering in my mind, but good. I am satisfied, but he feels like the "guy down below" is substandard in size. (In reality, it is, but I have told him it's just fine with me, and it is.) He has had some issues in the past with not getting hard enough or getting an erection at all, but not with me.

    When we are having adult time in the bedroom, he has always been emotionally disconnected...never loving and affectionate, always has his eyes closed, rarely kisses with tenderness. He always gets up and showers immedately afterwards and usually goes out and watches TV....doesn't stay and hold me for even a minute.

    We have looked at porn together and I am ok with that. In fact, it used to be a turn on. But lately, some of the KINDS of things he looks at when he's alone bother (and even disgust) me. We haven't talked about this.

    He is big into anal sex and I had never done that before. But because of his size and the fact that even fully erect he's not big, I have learned to tolerate and sometimes even like it.

    The things I have found on the computer are gross: bottle insertions into the woman's butt, painful anal sex, etc.

    He seems to have a dominant streak to him. He often tells me my female parts are "pretty" and that when I am especially energetic during sex that I'm "doing very well....that's just right".

    We had an episode the other night in which we was quite forceful with me even when it should have been clear by my body language that I didn't like what he wanted me to do, which was oral sex on him after he had been inside of me. I later saw he looked at quite a bit of that on the computer while I was at work that night. Maybe a bit gross, but if I wanted to taste female parts, I'd have been a lesbian.

    I have been very unsettled since then. I feel a bit violated, actually...he is a big, strong man, and I was definitely overpowered and made to do that even when I didn't want to.

    I am not in a position to end this relationship right now, and he tends to get hostile and defensive with most types of "talks". I realize things aren't good but because of a very long work commute and a house on the market, I will be in this situation for the foreseeable future.

    He also occasionally browses adult services personal ads on local Craigslist but I am 100% sure via keylogger and cell phone bill that he has not actually contacted or chatted with any of them.

    Should his tendency towards hardcore porn bother me? Is it possible/likely that his anger/trust issues with women are going to escalate into things that become actual rather than things he looks at on the computer? I have found a few pictures of bestiality, and another of mother-son interactions. But mostly he seems to look at painful anal sex. If this IS a red flag for possible violent behavior, what can *I* do in the mean time to not trigger it?

    When does porn become dangerous? Or is it just that I am fairly naive in that the things he looks at alone are freaking me out? I personally think in the context of the other issues that I SHOULD be concerned. Any professional thoughts or comments?


  • Older Male 62

    I came across this site when I googled "Who watches porn?" I do and I feel guilty about it. One thing I've discovered from the site is 1) it's men and 2) their partners generally disapprove.

    Some of the women out there are amazing with their open attitudes towards sex. I wish I could say that was our situation. I'm married and it seems like my wife just has a very low libido and very little interest in spicing things up. Our intimate encounters are all about her. I initiate and do all the work. Now don't get me wrong I enjoy it but I wouldn't mind some reciprocal attention. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her but she's just not interested most of the time then every now and then she is and it's great. She often has orgasms and every now and then ejaculation so you'd think there would be some incentive to get thgings going but we can go weeks without anything unless I initiate and after a while and more as time goes on I feel resentful.

    And that's when I seek relief in porn on the internet. When I was young my hand and my mind were all I needed. Then came penthouse and por mags. At my age it takes a little more to get things going. But when they are going I love it. I get great satisfaction and great pleasure from the porn. Men like to masturbate. Remember I grew up with "If it feels good, do it." Of course I do it in private. I would be too guilty and embarrassed to admit I do it but honestly I'd love to share with her. (But one thing I've learned from this site is - DON'T. Bad idea. We've watched porn together in the past and I know it excites her but recently she just stops watching and I feel terrible. She has that low body esteem that many of the previous posts talk about but there's nothing wrong with her body. I like it and I tell her that but she thinks she is fat. She's a Size 2!!! And I'll keep the iporn secret because I know it will only make her feel worse.

    So porn is an escape and some dyas if it wern't for porn I'd have no sex life at all. It's absolutely not about power or enjoying female degradation. I don't go to extreme sites - kids or animals or anything too weird for my taste. And I enjoy watching older women. That's probably some twisted way of thinking I'm being faithful even on porn sites but I enjoy the good looking younger participants as well. I mean if you're going to watch porn doesn't it make sense to watch people who you find attractive?

    One of the things I am coming to grips with as I get older is how incredibly different people are. Even if superficially they are similar, mot too far down under the surface they are completely and absolutely different. So many of the stories on here are similar but there's always a key difference. For me reality TV has revealed a lot of that. Seeing people unscripted is a real eye opener. Some of them are so delusional it's nuts.

    Anyway I suspect that for a lot of what's going on there's room in a man's life for his partner and porn but clearly the partner doesn't see it the same way. But some men have gone too far. Getting rough and trying to experience what they've seen on the PC is completely unacceptable. Now consensual, there's another story. Not for me in this lifetime but it's happening for someone.

    My other question is who are these people in porn movies? There seem to be thousands and thousands of them. Why do they do it? Are they even all getting paid? I don't pay for anything so noone is making any money from me on the internet but I see that some guys are getting the credit cards out and going to the sites so now I know why I get it for free because the next guy may pay.

    I suspect that men are the same as they have always been but internet porn introduces an aspect that has never existed in the lifetime of humanity. It's so recent and such a new experience many can't come to grips with it. Will it be completely normal for our teenagers? Scary thought. What will it be like for them having grown up with unfetterd access to all the porn they want?

    I'm rambling. Thank your for the site and the insight. I'm just a normal jerk male. I will limit my viewing and not let it become an addiction.

  • lisa

    I think this artical is making excuses for men to commit adultry and lust. Men need did to get over their penis problems and grow-up..And stop whinning poor poor me. They are dawgs who want to get off on anyone and anything even animals...sick sick..look how many dateline go after men who want to molest children they are all in the same dick, my dick, my dick...!!!!! sheesh

    I am so angry I cant see this artical is telling them its not their fault but moms or dads...sheeesh ...childhood crap..get over it...I hate men who are dogs...Its a sin...ask forgivness and love your wives..make love to her not f*ck her you stupid a**holes..!!!

  • Anonymous-40

    God created sex and he made it to be enjoyable, right? There is a special union that takes place when we make love to our spouse. The sex God intended is to be pleasing the other person. It is a selfless act. For sex to be right it must be done in biblical context. The problem with porn is that at some point it hurts at least one person. It causes insecurities and makes sex more of a selfish act. Viewing porn is only focusing on yourself. It is not forcing on your spouse like it was created for. I believe that if a husband and wife keep sex between each other (through the mental and physical world) they will desire each other even more. If you don't believe me, try it for a month. Focus only on each other. Do not look at porn or anything that is sex related. Only look at your husband or wife. See what happens

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    I want to state that the comments posted by our readers are helpful even though I may not agree with all of them. That is OK because the world is not here to agree with me. However, I must point out a number of things separate from the issue of agreeing or disagreeing with me:

    1. This is a mental health web site. We are here to clarify issues and facts about the mental illnesses, their treatment and their prevention. The focus is psychology and not religion. Therefore, the issue of pornography has nothing to do with morality, the bible or any religious opinions.

    2. Reading an article or book can be an exercise in projection. What I mean by that is that two or three or thirty or more people will read the same book or article and find different meanings and experiences in what they read. This is so very true that what the reader finds can be different from what the writer wrote.

    In this article about "men, women and pornography" there was no intention, implied or not, to make excuses for men to use pornography. Rather, the purpose of the article was to get couples to start talking to each other if pornography is a problem in the relationship. Just getting and staying angry is not healthy for anyone.

    Please remember, the problems of pornography is extremely complicated as reflected by the fact that it a multi billion dollar industry and exists all around the world.

    Men and women, stop the accusing and start talking to each other.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Mel

    I, too, am confused about my spouse's use of internet porn. We were together, as teens, and then I got pregnant (read: fat) and he bolted. Fourteen years later, we reunited. He always had an affection for porn, but when we got back together, we spoke about it and decided we would view it together, if at all. That worked for about a year, then he decided he didn't want it anymore. Said he felt bad about (practically) always watching it during sex. Fine. We stopped. Over the next year, on occasion, I pop a movie in as a prelude to sex. Doesn't seem to make a difference, except maybe that sly grin on his face when I do so.

    Now, he is watching porn while I am at work in the mornings, and he is home not cleaning house, straightening up after his+mine+our children, or anything else constructive. He has NOT ONCE initiated porn with me since he declared the end of it, but manages to look at porn sometimes daily on his own. There is no shame in it for him we both enjoy it, and have "fantasy" sex often and with vigor. So why is he choosing to do it behind my back? I have asked him outright if he would like to view it, several times, knowing that he watches it anyway. His reply is always the same: "no, baby, I don't need it, I have you, why would I want to look at some girl?" EXACTLY. WHY???????

    I found this thread by googling why my man would look at porn. I have some insight from it, but my main concern is, he left me high and dry for someone younger and blonder than me, years ago. This is after having an open obsession with porn, inherited from a single dad and Playboy. I had a Playboy-bunny doctor insert playboy-sized boobs for me, and have a fit and trim figure except the winter padding, less than 15 pounds. I look waaaaayyyyyy better than I ever did as an awkward teenager. Is this porn-viewing behind my back a sign of things to come, as we get older? Another blonde slut surfaces, and he's off chasing unicorns?? He claims to want to grow old with me. He tells me he loves my body all the time, and has even made comments about not needing porn because of my body. But--hello!!!!--HE IS STILL LOOKING AT PORN. What the heck is going on??????

  • Anonymous-41

    I recently found out that my boyfriend for 3 years has been lying to me again, i hate porn, i think it is vulgar and degrading to women, but apart from that i feel that when my boyfriend knows how i feel about it and wont stop, that is disrespecting me and my body, he lies about watching it, he knew i would leave him if i caught him again, so iv left, life is too short ladies,

    respect you and ur body or kick them out the door,

    For the ladies that will stay, for piece of mind, why dont u put a parental control on your computers, or u can download something that prevents them from deleting the history, that way if they lie u can check and at least u dont have to be humiliated with the constant lies for self gratification

  • Cameron

    I seem to be picking up that the issue is with insecurity, but what is it specifically about porn that makes you insecure. If your answer is “I should be enough for him”, “I feel like I’m not good enough”, or something along those lines, I must pose a question: have you ever masturbated while thinking of anyone other than your partner? Have you ever thought about someone else during sex to get the engines running? If the answer to one/both of those questions is yes, then apparently your partner isn’t good enough. Otherwise, you certainly wouldn’t need to think about anyone else. If you say you never have fantasies beyond your significant other, well, nobody should fault me for being skeptical.

    But it’s OK if you have fantasies about others. When men masturbate, they think about other people too. None of them masturbate thinking about the same person all the time. As Louie C.K. put it when his wife caught him masturbating in the basement and asked if he was thinking about her, “What? Are you high?!”. Even if men weren’t using porn, they would think about other stuff. Porn just makes it easier because guys are more easily stimulated visually. In any case, it’s the same thing except the evidence is tangible, whereas if you think about someone else at some point, or when a man does, it’s just in their head instead. To claim that he should stop because it makes you feel inadequate or whatnot would be quite hypocritical.

    Plus, maybe there are just some things that he fantasizes about that you won’t or can’t do. Lesbian porn is very sexy for many men, as are threesomes. He respects what you will and won’t do (or at least I hope to God he does), but that doesn’t mean he can’t let some of the good stuff play out in his head sometimes. It’s just like your fantasies, except his have a visual representation.

    Also, for guys, sex can be a lot of work physically, and sometimes we just don’t have it in us. Masturbation is a way to fix that in those tough spots. And a lot of times it just seems inappropriate to ask for sex.

    Lastly, sometimes men masturbate when they’re bored. It’s kind of like playing video games.

    Of course, there are clear borders that shouldn’t be crossed. Personal interaction with others, as well as child/animal stuff, clearly crosses the line. But the majority of people don’t do that.

    So when you ask him if he uses porn, you put him in a very awkward position. He knows you’ll be mad if he tells the truth, but he also knows that your attacks will be irrational given that you have likely fantasized about others too at some point. But he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you to something like this, so it seems that the best course of action for everyone is to deny it and hope you drop the subject. Of course, if he’s discovered, then things get a lot worse.

    I have many more thoughts, but I don’t have time to write them down right now. So, I’ll leave you with the statement that he loves you, and if you consider how your own fantasies don’t mean that he’s not enough, you should be able to see that his also don’t mean that you’re not enough.

    Don’t take this last bit too seriously, but it gets some of the explanation right in quite a humorous way.

  • Mel

    Does the male obsession with pornography have to do with a desire to stray? Is porn "consumption" an indication of a desire to cheat?

  • the other tera

    4 yrs ago i found out my man was going to strip clubs and hiding porn. of course i found them. i was very angry and we were getting into alot of arguments over this. i dont understand it. you say you love me but then you do something that you know will hurt me. doesnt make sense. i kinda gave in. i started looking at lingerie, cause i thought maybe we need to spice it up a little bit. i bought some and he dont say nothing about it. i kinda feel outa place. i just feel like a mom/housemaid and thats it. now I AM A NYMPHO. I LOVE HOT ROUGH SEX. i even convinced him into using our camera to make porn together. which worked for awhile. i cant, even though it happened 4 yrs ago, still get it out of my head. i cant trust him. and my mind, which contols me, stopped wanting sex from him. i look at him, knowing he looks at other women makes me want to blow chunks. why? cause i feel like im not the one for him. he wants hotter and better and im just this thing to wash his clothes and cook for him. you men want us to get where your coming from. but if you love her look at what its doing to her. it hurts like hell. you loose all self worth, then you as a person starts thinking of yourself as just a thing. you cant match up cause you dont have a penis yourself. i totally withdrew myself from him. we are together still. but we have kids. i will probaly move on eventually. i cant look at sex the same. i loved the fact that i wanted it so much. it made me proud. why? cause i was trying not to be one of those housewives that men always complained about. shes to tired or shes not in the mood. now i have and now i know the reason for why they did.

  • Joana

    I've spent a lot of time searching this issue on he internet, but I don't know what to do or think... I'm 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year and almost a half. He told me that he watch a couple of months after we start dating, and since then I've been reaaly worried with this. First, because I think he has a real addiction, and I don't think we can stop without help. Sometimes he told that he feels bad and ashamed, but recently he started telling me that he enjoys porn a lot because it's more sexy and excinting. I have no idea about how I should react, because in the one hand, it makes so mad!!! come on, i'm 19, by body is as good as it may gets! and I think I'm pretty hot! What can he possible complain about? but on the other hand, I love him, I want to get married and stay with him all my life, and so I really want to be able to help him. I just don't know how... I'm becoming desperate because I'm sure I can accept that behaviour. Like the other women, I feel abandoned and betrayed by that... please help me

  • the other tera

    well once again i busted him doing it. and his comment is "what do you want me to say". seriously, thats it. i'm not outraged i started hating him. he is just lying n hiding things. how are women suppose to understand and whats wrong with including her into your fantasies? women can just say,well if thats what you want then there other men that will want and pay attention to them. i feel like that now. might as well. rite? this isn't fair to me. ladies, if he is and aint willing to pout out for you and make you into his fantasie then there are other guys out there willing n ready to please ya. guys good luck to your hand and t.v..

  • WTF!

    I'm am watching a true story on t.v. About a girl, when she was a teen she was made to prostitute. She was telling of one of her stories that 12 men beat and raped her. You know young girls, even in pornography can be made to do this crap. And men buy into to this. Sick! What if your wife was made to do things she didnt want? Raped n beating. Made to pose nude for men so they can get their jollies off. What about your sister, or daughters? Is it ok. Teens are being sold on craigslist. And you men think that they want to do it? Are you stupid? I think exploiting women , period is wrong. They get brain washed. Men are suppse to protect us. Into todays society we have to protect ourselves cause more n more men want to abuse us and society approves of this. Why do you men get a kick out of hurting us n exploiting us? Its just not porn, its more. Its dark and morbid.

  • kate brown

    Thanks for your website. I was cofused about my mixed feelings over watching porn. Having viewed this website i now know that it is wrong and why. I now know that my feelings of guilt, shame and disgust where justified. We can help make this world a better place and we don't have to bring ourselves down to the level of others to be accepted.

    God Bless you.

  • Not accepting this

    Ya know, I came across this article searching for "Why men masturbate", Hmmm. I have read through all of the comments below and I still have NO ANSWER as to why a perfectly busy man with a perfectly horny woman at home would masturbate AT ALL? Sexually speaking, I can compete with any porn star, or magazine pin-up with the man I love. I have kept sex fun, romantic, crazy and fruitful for many years always surprising him. To the outside world, I look like the hottest woman alive who probably has no trouble getting laid, and certainly doesn't have a fiance who jacks off. Unfortunately, that's a far cry from reality.

    Why is it, that a woman who has explored her sexuality, enhanced it and even gotten surgery to please her man, STILL gets che3ated on with porn?

  • Anonymous-42

    Im 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. Our relationship is great . Unfortunately I recently discovered he watches porn occasionally! I feel a little weird about it. Im attractive, so why the desire to veiw other woman? Even more attractive woman. Should I dare say start my own porn watching journey and see how it feels? Its times like these I wish I were a bird or a squirrel. F***.

  • Tamela

    I first want to say I am a 4.0 Honors Psychology major, so any topic concerning the human psyche, including sexuality, is interesting yet so multi-faceted. I believe greatly in individuality, and what works or is o.k. for one person, may be distasteful or offensive to another. Within reason, there is no right or wrong within our personal sexualities, but two people need to be on the same page to feel confidence, and more importantly, ultimate gratifying experiences. I have to say, I am not nor ever have been a fan of pornography for many reasons. I feel it desentizes people in many ways, degrades the sacredness of what intimicy should create, and causes self loathing in women and even young girls who harshly judge their selves because of comparing themselves both physically and sexually to others. This is very sad (eating disorders in young girls have sky rocketed, and I believe what they see is a great contributor). I think it is important for both partners to be willing to explore with one another and step outside of their own boxes to please the other partner and keep things fresh and alive. On the other hand, if a sexual act is simply not appealing, such as anal sex, oral sex, or sharing pornography, then this needs to be respected by both partners as well and other options explored. I think the happiest women are those who feel beautiful and desired by their mates. This creates the desire to do more and more for their mates to keep his attention and to keep the fires burning. Sometimes it is erotic in itself just to talk about sexualities together--what he likes, what she likes. Sex is potent, and just talking about it is arousing. Unfortunately, when either partner begins going outside of the union by indulging in pornography, the repercussions are immense, and things begin to crumble from hurt, new found insecurities, and the distruction of trust. I love my guy! I don't need to see naked men to get turned on! He is all I need night after night (and morning, and!). He says he feels the same and has given me no cause to believe diffently so far. I will say this: the day he does, is the day I walk. Once trust is blown, all is blown, and I will not live my life looking over his shoulder, computer, cell phone, cable bills. If I am spending energy doing that, there is none left for beautiful intimicy. I am very clear with my mate where I stand with pornography. I let him know from the beginning, if you are into it, fine, but walk on by me as I am not interested in this sort of mentality. This is a conviction I will never compromise, as I would be compromising my very self. But I am very open minded in the bedroom and haven't disappointed him yet! He surely seems satisfied :)!

  • "Elle"

    I've been trying to read about men and porn, because I just discovered that my partner of 4 years uses internet porn. I knew he had used it in the past, when he was divorcing. But I didn't know that he used it now. We have an active sex life. It had been dwindling, but I never knew why, it wasn't at my initiation. I found out that he has been exchanging photos with women and having internet sex with them. I said. "This is legal, plenty of men do this, but if you need to, please move out." Let me know what your decision is. He was repentant, wanting to stay in a relationship, and was talking about his shame. But I don't get why he could live with someone, while interchanging photos/masturbation with very young women online, and not identify that as cheating. I do. I asked him to seek counseling and whatever to get to the bottom of this. He said yes. I'll try to keep my mouth shut for a few months, while he figures this out. But who guides me? Why does he do this, and what can I do for me?

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hi Elle,

    I fully agree with your effort to get your boyfriend to go to therapy. In fact, I agree that he was engaging in a form of cheating. Why he would do this baffles me but it is clear that he has some problems.

    As to yourself, I agree that you need guidance. I believe it makes sense for you to enter psychotherapy for yourself. This is a way for you to receive guidance and to help you decide what your future actions you might want to take including breaking up. In other words, you need emotional support to get you through this.

    By the way, why should you "Keep your mouth shut?" You have a very real grievance against him and have suffered a very real hurt. You should not be his policeman but you have every right to demand respect. If he cannot respect you then its time to look elsewhere. This is my opinion.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Nou

    How much porn is exceptional in a day, week, month or year? I am really hurt. He tells me that I am beautiful. When he watches porn all the confidence I have build up drains away.

    Dear Hubby,

    When and how long should I wait to be the only women in your eyes? You are the only one I want to share myself with and can you just take this that I saved for you and cherish it? Is it not what you are looking for? Will you let me go and be in a more deserving arms? How do I confront my feelings so I can move forward with you? Can we sacrifice your addiction for us? My addiction is YOU.

    I am drifting away from you. You are forcing me to wander if I am next to never. I may be glaring at a new start of life not in our direction. I will be on my way to find him and treasure him like what I thought of you before. What punishment of mine do I deserve this humiliation to my body and love for you? I am deeply hurt. Our sexual intercourse are as intimate and wild as you wanted it to be. Can you imagine how bad I can hurt you too? Please don't let me think I should recover myself confidence by sharing it with someone else. Did you plan to let this get so far when you watched porn? I won't sit here anymore and dwindle on about if i'm not good enough for you. There IS someone right for me.

  • Anonymous-43

    Watching porn is disrespectful and displeasing to God. It defiles a marriage, and causes emotional damage to too many women. Men who engage in it have a weak will. I'll walk away from my marriage before I'll accept it.

  • jeff

    i view porn because my wife has chosen celibacy and im looking for loving sex outside marriage ,i know porn isnt loving sex so im looking for a loving sexual relationship outside marriage

  • robs

    porn of any kind shows women being submissive, and rape scenes are seen as enjoyable. Women are treated in disrespected ways and why is this supposed to be pleasurable? its disgusting. its not about releasing yourself, of course that if fine and natural, but it does not mean you can go to any length to release yourself, it causes greater harm to our youth, skewed images of unnatural bodies and ideal

    its wrong

    full stop, and not banned because many men who would have to deal with such cases watch it themselves

  • JMT

    My partner and I are in our 50s, soon to be married, and I thought we had a good sex life, but I've just found that he has been looking at porn on the internet. Ok, so it's common, there are real reasons why men (and women) do it, but it still HURTS. I had a mastectomy almost 2 years ago and the anti-cancer drugs I'm on have made me put on weight so I KNOW I'm not as attractive as I was when we first met, but I still find it hard to accept that he has been looking at porn - mainly older women from what I have seen. I haven't confronted him, mainly because I don't want to hear him tell me lies about how beautiful I still am to him. I've heard that for almost 2 years and now this. It really, really hurts.

  • stumped

    I caught my partner sneaking off to motels to indulge in violent pornography and upon further investigation found a long history of spending $ on it as well, additionally he is OCD and a hoarder.

    I did a great deal of research on the subject and discovered that a small percentage of couples are able to recover from these issues.

    My partner won't go to therapy so that is a deal breaker and we are apart. I was always a willing and experimental partner and good to him and understanding. His compulsion increased from 2007 -to the present.

    In situations like this... knowing everything there is to know about a condition doesn't help. It doesn't help to know that countless men are doing it either ... there is something really wrong with this picture!

  • A man

    I don't care what women think about this. I enjoy looking at couples having sex, when I'm in the mood. Sure, it gets boring sometimes, bit no one will control my thoughts. My wife does'nt like it, but I DON'T CARE. My marriage is BORING anyway.

  • Sad Wife

    I've just spent the past hour reading this article and all the comments posted. I thank each and every single one of you for being genuine with your feelings and sharing it with the world. I am also really grateful for the editor having posted as he created a venue for people to discuss and release their pain and anxiety over their own personal situations and relationship with porno.

    I'm a newlywed in my early 30's. I've been told I'm "really hot". I take care of my appearance, work out, wear sexy lingerie for my husband, have frequent sex with him, and absolutely adore him. Yet, he still look at porno online. He goes off into my home office at night any chance he gets, locks the door, and does his thing. He then erases the history because he knows that is how I found out he masturbates to porno in the first place.

    I've "caught" (God, I hate having to even use that word) him yet again last night and am so hurt that I've started thinking that our marriage is doomed. I was so hurt I went to sleep to have time to truly digest all the emotions that I was feeling. This morning I woke up and wrote him a letter- realized I wrote it like a psychology case study, in third person, to avoid feeling all the pain inside me at the moment.

    While he is fully aware of the sadness, anger, and betrayal I feel when he looks at porno and has told me that because it hurts me so much, he will not do it again.. Surprise, he never stopped! This is someone who prides himself in his high level of integrity and publicizes the fact that he "never" lies because everyone will find out about everything after we die anyway. Someone whom I thought was my soul mate, whom I admired for his level of integrity, and whom I actually looked up. I realize now how dangerous that is. Nobody is perfect and I shouldn't have those standards.

    Yet, I also realize that I have standards that I will not budge on. I will not stay in a marriage where I have to worry every time my husband goes into another room and locks the door behind him. We are planning to start trying to have a baby this year and I am now starting to reconsider. How stable is our relationship if he continues to do what hurts me most? If I don't trust him enough to not be suspicious that he is doing the act that he knows hurts me the most each time he walks into a room and locks the door behind him?

    I know this is pretty long. I hope that it benefits men to read it and see how porno can affect a marriage of newlyweds, an attractive, intelligent, and rational (I'm a lawyer after all) 31 year old woman who is constantly seeking self awareness and growing her lack of judgment, that it helps women to know that women of different education, age, heritage, religious backgrounds are dealing with this, and that it helps me to clarify what I need to do for the highest good for me, for my husband, and for our relationship.

    There are some things in life, that you know deep down in the core of who you are, are hurting you. You can go off into philosophical or even religious debates as to the wrong or rightness of the situation. I choose not to.

    Life and human behavior are extremely complex. I've learned that keeping things simple works best for me. When something hurts me, then simply for that reason, its plain wrong. If both people involved in the relationship are happy with the activity revolving around porno, then it's not "wrong" for them. Once one of the two people involved is hurt, angry, etc, then there's a problem. This is the case, at least for me. Everyone has their own journey of self-realization and awareness and are at different stages while reading this post.

    I wish all of you strength and courage to know what is truly right for you, your spouse, and your marriage and the discernment to determine what you want and will not tolerate in your life. Light to all of you.

  • Anonymous-44

    I had a feeling my bf had been watching porn and then one evening i walked in on him, i didnt know what to say or do i just walked away. I felt very upset for a few days and then asked him about it he said it doesn't mean anything its just that he has a higher sex drive (which is true). I did understand but it still eats away at me , i know he still looks at it but i dont think theres any point in talking to him about it again as things wont change. I think its just one of those things im going to have to live with.

  • Hurting GF

    I relly think my boyfriend watches the porn chanels on a night when i am asleep. He's always gone to bed later than me and i have caught him watching porn on the internet once before but that was 2years ago. He tells me he doesnt and he loves me and only finds me attractive but its so hard to believe because everyone has fantasies and gets turned on. I wish he would be honest with me. By doing it behind my back it makes me feel worthless and ugly. Ive tried asking him time and time again but he alwways denies it. What do i do? Believe him? or try to catch him out? Or just try and move on and push it to the back of my mind?


  • desperate for answers

    I will be 30 this september! My previous relationship of 10 years was all but pleasant> verbal as well as physical abuse. I met my current boyfriend 2yrs ago and thought he had fallen from heaven i am so in love with him. recently i purchased a computer and found that he has been viewing internet porn on it. Now I dont believe that i am ugly i am 5'2" 105lbs I work out on a regular basis and I have a good career(nurse). When i first found it is was hurt and mad. I simply and calmly asked him why. He immediatly got defensive and told me we were done because he was not going to have an argument about it. He then proceeded to call me a "snoop" and "are you my mother" I have not said anything else about it for fear of lashing out at him, but i feel that i cant even talk to him about it he is soooo defensive. I feel that maybe im not what he wants but if that is the case i just want him to tell me. I believe that we have a great sex life almost everyday but has been less and less. He tells me he is tired all the time, but cant sleep at night. I just want to find my sole mate and live the rest of my life happy. i wasted so much time in my first relationship being scared and having so much hate i dont want that any more. i dont want to feel unwanted or not good enough because I know I am good enough for someone out there. I just dont understand!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Anonymous-45

    That is the problem. Usually, when someone is pulling away, there are underlying issues in the relationship. Women stress. Men react like children and go masterbate. Despite the stereotype, women like sex a lot and not just "making love" (I hate that term). If your wife doesn't have sex with you, it is because she doesn't feel that connection with you. Men are selfish. Women are servants. That is why we feel so weird about it. We live for our family. We don't have time to do that, because we have SO MUCH to do - always. I have had the same problem in my relationship. I don't mind watching a porn movie. If you're home alone, whatever. But, if you are leaving your family to do it or doing it when your wife/gf is right in the room, that's a problem. Just because men are born with a penis doesn't mean that they get to have different moral standards. You sound like you really dislike women to be so angry about it.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    To the April 8th poster,

    "Men are selfish and women are servants and men, like children, like to masturbate him?" These are huge generalizations and, like all generalizations, are not accurate. There are selfish women, men who are servants and women who prefer masturbation. Always be careful about generalizing anything about human beings. They do not ring true.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • most men

    most men are selfish. most. women are givers and men, well they take and take. now they will give only if your this perfect bimbo [the ideal women as they want]. if you look, men will go out to a strip club pay mega bucks for a bimbo because she is ideal. they pay mega bucks for the naked ones in the nudey mags. they pay mega bucks for prostitutes. they go home to their wives saying, honey, wheres my food? your telling me you dont see that? i'm a slave, to the penis. and men just only think with nthe penis. they only have it in for the bimbos. please show me a male slave? if there isa one, he probaly has a bimbo. they only do for bimbos.

  • Anonymous-46

    I am a 19 year old girl who cannot get past jealousy issues surrounding my boyfriends use of porn. I feel as though men are perverse individuals who are constantly perving over images on the tv or privately on their own. It has come to the point were I feel as though my boyfriend is masterbating to porn even when im on the other end of the phone. I realise i am immature and will probably get over this 'phase' but i doesnt feel that way to me. My boyfriend is never going to stop viewing porn so how can i ever stop viewing men in this way? I understand how attractive women are as I am bisexual so i feel as though its even more difficult for me to get relationship is disentegrating all because of bloody porn! I love my boyfriend but this is a huge problem for me! I feel like just forgetting about relationships with men altogether!

  • Anonymous-45

    Dr. Schwartz,

    Why are women told not to generalize about men when I hear so many men excuse this behavior away, because it is a "dude thing"? I have heard many arguements for it. Men need variety, we are the hunters, etc. I don't buy it. Yes, men do have a penis. But, when they got someone pregnant, they also helped to protect them to make sure their offspring would make it. I don't think we ever would have settled into couples if men really needed to have sex with everything that walks. I also don't believe that every man out there uses pornography all the time, which is another "dude thing" that I have heard. Do you, Dr. Schwartz feel the need to look at pornography on a fairly regular basis? Or is it a once in awhile thing? I think a lot of women wouldn't really care as much, but it gets to the point of being excessive, and that is when it is bothersome.

  • hurt and distressed

    So what if when you started your relationship, he promised to not look at porn. He deleted all hsi porn sits and his favorites list. You told him how much it hurt you, how disgusting and belittlinh it was, and how insecure you made it feel. You are a woman that will and wants to please her man in any which way. He stays away from porn for a while, or so you think. He has been sick for three weeks so you as a very sexual person patiently waits. Recently you ask him if he has been watching porn because you haven't had any sexual relations with him - maybe he needed to satisfy himself. So you ask. He says no and promises on your relationship that he will never do it. You come home two days after the promise to find porn on the computer. You confront him about it and he said he wasn't sure if he was ok down there and that things were different so he had to use porn even though he knew what the consequences were and the damage that it would do. Now what do you do. This is your fiance that made a promise to you knowing full well how much it hurt you. You try to give him everything and whatever way. When is it ok? Is it tolerable? A man you are supposed to marry can't do this one thing for you? He commits this act 5 minutes after you talk to him on the phone and 20 before you come home. He makes more promises, but what's another promise if you can't keep the previous one? Well - that happened to me. Now what do I do?

  • gigi

    Today on are way going to the pizzeria, I looked through my boyfriend's phone while he was there near me and found that he was looking at naked photos I got very upset and just wanted to go home and not be around him it's not the first time this has been going on for two years now and I start to wonder why does he really look at porn. He tells me I don't need to worry that it doesn't mean anything to him but then again him saying that doesn't really make me feel secure it bothers the hell of me, It really makes me insecure and hurt. I start to think all types of things. Am I not good enough for you? I mean Im an attractive 21 year old women i may not have the bigs boobs but I do have a big booty. I feel he wants to have sex with a woman who got the whole package because those are the types of porn he watch. The main thing that goes through my head is he's not satisfied with me physically and wants to sleep around with woman who got the goods. This whole situation just disgusts me and pushes me away It gets me so upset that i just don't want to deal with situation at all I mean we don't even have sex like we used to anymore it's more of a middle of the night half asleep type thing are a morning quickie and Im not into it I don't feel at all desirable towards him and it really is bugging me

  • The Wanker

    I guess this is about as anonymous as it gets, and I have really enjoyed being able to read all of the comments.

    Let me tell you a little about me. I am a 49 year old male in reasonably good shape, living with the most amazing woman whom I have known for 6 years. I had two previous marriages, both of which dissolved - largely due to a gambling addiction and all the crap that I caused because of that. Yet I know a key component in the breakups was my addiction to porn. I have been a regular and very involved member of Gamblers Anonymous for 10 years, which has helped me to deal with all sorts of addicitons, including stopping smoking.

    But this porn thing is getting to me. I seem completely unable to control it. I will go through periods - sometimes weeks at a time - when I don't look at porn. Somehow I manage to justify to myself that since I don't pay for it (there is so much free stuff available on the net) that its not as damaging. I also justify to myself that I am a loving caring person, I never go to strip clubs or whorehouses and I have never cheated on any of my previous girlfriends or wives - that somehow this makes me OK.

    But I know how this stuff eats me up (no pun intended).

    It affects my work (because I do some sneak previews), my relationships (the sex isnt the same anymore - and we put that down to our stressful and busy lives, but the reality is that the breakdown is fueled by my own guilt and shame masquerading as tiredness and stress) and even my spiritual recovery process. I know this is not about a religious process, and I am not religious, but I learned in my addiciton recovery that this stuff is something over which I have no control, and only a power greater than me can help me to stop it. For "Power greater than me" read "everything outside of myself".

    Two months ago I decided to stop this nonsense. Within a few weeks I was tested. Clearly there are daily thoughts of wanting to go and self satisfy with a quick "tug", but the porn watching ceased. And then somehow something pops up in the email - from a friend or whomever - and it triggers a response - or relapse. Thankfully I now share some of these things with some of my fellow GA members, so I am able to slowly begin the process of removing the shame. In our fellowship, we know that it is our darkest secrets that keep us sick.

    And a very dark secet for me is my porn addiciton. How could I tell my "wife"? What would she think of me? I am so ashamed by my actions and the thoughts I harbour when I am sexually aroused. Yet at the same time I revel in those thoughts. That nasty sleasy process of self depracation is somehow tantalising to me.

    Perhaps I am starting to understand the concept of original sin? It persists within me, and comes out in all sorts of wierd and wonderful ways - like gambling, porn, smoking - and a host of others.

    Yet the very idea of porn is anathema to me. I feel it debases women. I find myself comparing myself with the men in those things - and find myself wanting ofcourse. These huge cocks and lean, mean bodies (and I am not small myself, yet everything is just so unreal). I start to understand what it must be like to be a woman who doesnt fit the steriotype of "perfect" - because I am very far from that myself.

    So I come down to asking - why do I do this?

    The shame is immense (clearly if it wasnt there would be no problem discussing it openly). I hear that some people do share this with their partners, but I sense that a lot of it is designed to hurt - a form of control.

    The strange thing about addiction is that you keep doing the same thing expecting different results. Some call that a definition of insanity.

    The first time I saw hard core porn (or any porn for that matter) was when I was a late teenager. I grew up in a country where porn was completely dissalowed, and the attitudes to sex in general were calvanistic to say the least. So visits to London - and walking past shops with naked mags on display as a late teen was hectically enticing, yet hugely shameful at the same time.

    I know the mixed feeling that that porn viewing did to me. It wasnt much different from seeing girls in the flesh at first (I dont mean naked - but having grown up in an all male boarding school, girls were quite enticing and unavailable creatures).

    And I also know the damage that porn does to my psyche.

    Yet I continue. Why is that?

    The only answer for me is that I have some sort of disease - something that I am unable to control - like an alcoholic perhaps. Since I am already very well acquainted with behavioural addicitons, perhaps this is yet another of them.

    This is more than a bit of a ramble - and deliberately so. The thoughts in my head that surround porn addiciton are confusing to start with. There is no really clear path to a cause-effect relationship between the addiction and its impact. I know that EVERY time I view or wank to porn I land up feeling more guilty and more ashamed. Yet I cannot stop. There is a temporary high yes. That feeling of excitement as the blood flows to the nether regions and you grow hard - leading to those fantasies that its actually you pounding away at that soft enticing flesh (and getting the neural renforcement of the physical pleasure at the same time).

    How could that not be addictive?

    How could the resultant low not reinforce that addiction?

    How can I get out of the emotional pain and self destruction it causes me?

    My only answer - one I know from personal experiences with other addictions - complete cessation. And quite possibly combined with ongoing therapy and the assistance of a support group (hopefully not consisting of fellow wankers).

    But what do I say to the women. I think its probably hard for most women to imagine how unbelievable enticing females are to us men - not only mentally, but physically as well. When you combine that intoxicating feeling of attraction with a low self esteem (because men are as much subject to the societal need to project perfection as women are), its a recipe for disaster.

    Speaking personally, I dont think I picked up that first bit of porn to challenge my first girlfriend. Sure, there have been many times in the absence of a relationship I have used porn as an excuse to stay out of a relationship and as a tool in a game of self reliance. But its hard to link that with any deliberate attempt to debase, destroy or vilify the woman in my life at the time.

    I know women dont like porn - at least the ones I have ever been involved with don't - so I use that as an excuse for secrecy which even further entrenches the addiction. This doesn't excuse in any way the bahaviour, but I am not trying to judge the bahviour here - merely offer some thoughts as to how and why I feel a particular way.

    Porn addiciton is not about you, ladies. Its about us sick men. My advice if you have a man who can't stop (perhaps if she knew about this I would offer the same advice to my lady) - make sure he seeks counselling or else leave the relationship.

    Porn is a blight on society - not a moral blight, but one that causes people like me extreme unmanageability and emotional stress, all the while disguised as a harmless pleasurable activity. Its not. It poisons the soul.

    Maybe a day at a time I can manage to stay away from this most pernicious of diseases.

    Thanks for the site.

  • jc

    Sexless marriage x10 years, more really. Caught husband using internet for 4th time after promises to stop. Gave ultimatum today - porn or marriage. I don't want to leave (2 kids). If I wasn't replaced by porn, I wouldn't care. I have let it known I'm available for sex but do not nag. I think I'm giving up and am very sad. Overwhelmed. Crying buckets when I thought I was already cried out.

  • Anonymous-47

    I just wrote a blog about my experience with the humiliation, sadness and depression that my bf's porn is causing me. Anybody that says it is just guys, deal with it, is full of crap and just enabling bad behavior.

  • jc

    To One Of Many: I liked your article, especially the last paragraph! It sounds to me like you should cut your losses. Sorry, but you deserve better.

  • Anonymous-48

    This deal with PORN in the internet! This is unbelieveable situation to bare for women and sometimes even men who catch/watch their sopuses watching porn !! This is absolutely not healty in a relationship. It is soooo undermeaning to women and wife feels only as big as a bug that is stepped on. Are we already starting a "war" against internet pornography! Internet is full of it!! Must be most of the web sites!!! WHAT CAN WE DO??!!!

    My cousin was 9 yrs, when her little brother caught her on the net.. he ran to his mum and sait " My sister is watching naked people in the computer!!" She and her friend had googled the word sex, because it is EVERYWHERE!!!! HOW CAN WE PROTECT OUR KIDS and YOUNGSTERS!! All the filters don't work, and kids can also click on "yes" when it is asked in a window are you above 18!!!!

    My husband is angry with me, now.. let me tell you the whole story. We met 2,5 years ago. Sexlife was always excellent. I told him upfront immediately that I don't take a man who uses porn in any form! And the whole industry absolutely makes me SICK to stomach - well have a lot to say about that too. So, he promises to stop and he takes all the porn from his computer in front of my eyes and trashes his magasines as we start to visit one another and also get engaged after knowing each other one month. He promised me. He told me if I found anything still on his comp or anywhere, I am welcome to trash it. I said, ok, I'll see if there is and help u get a rid of it. Well I did find a portable hard disk full of games and porn, well porn went!! I found porn music videos, they were deleted! I found USB sticks - two, they were broken and trashed and I found one subsubsubfolder in the comp that was full of pics, that was deleted!! This process took me some hours, but it was worth it. I knew he didn't have any porn and I was feeling light hearted and trusted him, when I asked if he had used and he said know. After a bit more than a year we got married. Then also I reminded him that in our house my husband is NOT using pornography in any form and he just says, "that must be clear already" and says he is not using it.

    I have many times explained WHY and the most important thing is that to me that is totally feeling like cheating!! It HURTS like hell!! Oh my god, it is undescribable, the hurt like someone punches you in the stomach over and over.

    Every once in a while I check his and my comp when I feel he has changed. I caught my husband a YEAR ago by checking computer history!! I cried like hell, fell on my knees and was soooo disappointed and frustrated - I was then 5 months pregnant and our sex life was still excellent. WHY does he have this need? And don't tell me MEN NEED VISUALS - THAT IS BS!! WHY is he lying? WHY isn't he respecting me with my wishes! He cried too and apologized.

    After that he started to clean the history, so I can not anymore see, this makes me furious and I think that he still is doing that, so 3 months ago I caught him another time with help of file recovery program that I downloaded from the internet. I told him that this is the last time. He said that was the only time and explained that he was kinda testing if I get him or not!! WHAT??!!! I say! At that time our boy was a few months and I at this time I still don't feel like having sex very often. I've got 10 kilos (about 20 pounds) on me and downstairs department is not feeling still normal after episiotomia and suctioncup emergency delivery. So, now we are on the verge of divorse because I don't trust him and am breaking up inside - we have a wonderful little baby, but I feel I can't leave him alone with my husband. What if he uses that only "alone time" of the week for porn!!!! Alongside with our boy, or puts him just somewhere to wait or what ever.. This is a bit toooo Heavy!! I am already feeling mentally sick about this!! DAMN PORNOGRAPHY!!

    He is a wonderful husband with the boy, he can be lazy and I feel like I am a freaking programmer sometimes when nothing gets done if I don't say/tell/imply strongly. But he is also good with the household work and always goes shopping alone or with me if I ask.

    I read somewhere that men who watch porn are depressed and are looking for a feeling of power and exceptance and victory when watching/masturbating with porn.

    But not MY man! I am in the end of the rope! Is there any chanse that I can trust him again for not doing this! I am desperate! And nowadays there is in web browsers a "Porn Mode" (Private Browsing) possibilty that is automatically leaving no trace!! I AM FURIOUS ABOUT THIS and that can not be taken of the browser (I used explorer, now I changed in all comps Mozilla, but that has it too!!!) SO, for addicts it is too easy to use!

  • Mandi

    I've been with my boyfriend for five years now. Its been a rough five years as the first year was great but then the second and third I spent having to share him because we weren't "boyfriend" and girlfriend that meant we weren't together. He was the one who didn't want to be together he would always say "isn't it enough we spend so much time together why do we have to have a title". Turns out that was his justification for having sex with other woman. Now, we've been together just me and him for a couple years and things are okay I guess. I"m pregnant right now...30wks2days today and I'm geeked to have our daughter BUT, I'm so hurt by the porn. We've lived together for 2 years in October and our sex life has been terrible. I feel no passion or closeness whats so ever and its pretty much non existant.
    THe sad part is the way I feel right now because everyday he could have sex with me or I could take care of him ....whatever...I want to do that I love him. BUT, the prob is he will just say no to me and not touch me but the moment I leave the house he goes and jerks off to porn. I feel so terrible because I know what he does and hes doesn't care how i feel. uuurg. Maybe I should just take the kids and leave because that is more important to him then me. Just a thought

  • Yet Another Sad Wife

    Dear Sad Wife/2nd April 2010

    I hope u are doing ok, I thank you for your words, and I hope you have gotten out of that which does not feel right within yourself. I am glad you do not have children with your husband.

    Having been married for 2O years, in the past month I have discovered that my husband had been on porn sites while I have been working, and in the house, and leaving him to care for our teenage girl and boy, I am sick beyond belief that the man I trusted and loved and had a great sex life with ,has been doing this for the past 12 years, since we got the first computer into the house.

    I would not wish this nightmare on anyone and would advise any lady going through this to got out now. As you said if it hurts, it is not right, and by God does it Hurt. It is a sickess, because these men think they are doing no wrong, and because it is not physical they think they are above blame, not being unfaithful. These men are hurting the young girls they are looking at and their partners in real life. I think is is a form of madness in these men. A madness they want us to believe is normal, when exploitation of women is not normal. It could be your daughter, your sister, your mother, your friend, you. We are wonderful, bright, great, loving, beautiful, fantastic, funny girls, do not let any man take that away from you, will all his fancy talk and Apologies and Lies, walk away from their madness before it drives you mad, it will all work out in the end, Keep Smiling and Breathing Deep, and saying to yourself I am a Good and Kind Person and this does Not Feel Right, My Mother would not want this for me. Olive xx

  • ERI


  • miss under stood girlfriends

    i have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. before him over a year ago i was with another man who was addicted to porn and could not cum or even get his dick up half the time. he blamed me for his problems and so now i have this big fear about about porn and it has carried into this relationship. he says he dident look at porn for the first 8 months or something. what changed why this sudden need for porn? im the more sexual one and he always turns me down. he says the porn makes are sex life better but if when hes touching me and all i can think or is him looking at other women when he could have watched for me , how is that better?

    please help me i love him but i dont no if i can live with it. it feels like cheating to me. every time we fight he says he will stop for a bit but wont stop at all why dose he have to look at porn if he knows it hurts me

  • Anonymous-45

    As another women overcoming the effects of excessive pornography use, I sympathize. I was always somewhat relaxed about pornography. I used to watch it with my boyfriend quite a bit. A few months ago, I started finding pictures on the computer. I wasn't looking, it just popped up in the address bar when I was typing. I made a comment like, "Real nice", but a few days later, it happened again. I had my suspicions that he was doing weird things, and it turned out he was. We both had each other's email passwords, so I logged into his account, and holy crap. He was trading pics with his friends (these are all men in their 30's). He was looking at it while I was in the room, and I thought he was doing it, but didn't know for sure. I am also good with computers, so I did a recovery and was amazed at the sheer amount of it. He was on singles sites, web cam sites, and all kinds of other stuff. I think he may have been chatting with girls online, because he gets all these weird messages, but I have yet to prove that, and he adamantly denies it. And, to top everything off, he has developed ED because of his constant porn use. The things that hurt aren't just him looking at other women. I am only human. I have been attracted to others. It was the fact that he had that little respect for me to do it right in front of me. It was the fact that he was leaving me to do things with our young children by myself, because he wanted to stay home and masturbate. It was the fact that we couldn't have sex after I had our second child, and I thought he wasn't attracted to me because of the baby weight. It does take a toll on you. However, we have talked and talked and talked. We were having a lot of issues anyways, because my boyfriend was unemployed for a year-and-a-half and at first, not really looking for a job. We have turned things around. I told him everything I knew. You should have seen the look on his face when he found out that I knew he was leaving the room with the computer to masturbate. I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that I would not live with the worries and insecurities, so if he couldn't tone it down, then he could keep his internet porn, and I would find someone that would want to have REAL sex with me. We have movies at home, so I told him if he was home ALONE (not in front of me) and needed to do it, then whatever. That's what I thought he did anyways. But, I also told him that if the ED did not stop, then I would know he was lying. We have really talked through a lot and things have gotten a lot better. I told him that I did not trust him, though. I have the parental controls still set on the computer, but he hasn't looked in months. At first, he tried, but when I busted him again, he laid off. Ladies, I know how you feel, and you know if it's worth it. If your partner cares about you, then they will not want to hurt you. If you're with someone that just blows you off and doesn't want to change a thing, then you're with the wrong person. I wasn't trying to tell my boyfriend to give it all up, but I like to have sex pretty much everyday. Save some for me, man. We've been working hard at it, and even though I still read this site, and sometimes still feel weird, I feel like we've really broken down a wall and are moving for the better. I took it as a real blow to my self esteem at first, so I started working out. I am in such good shape now that my confidence is way up. You can get through this, but a relationship takes two people to work at it. I still haven't brought the porn back into the bedroom yet. He's still having some hiccups, and I need for us to be back to 100% before I feel comfortable doing that again. But it means so much to me to read all of your stories and know that there is someone that understands out there. Women, don't be afraid to stand up. If you don't like it at all, and your partner won't quit, then get out. There's plenty of fish in the sea, and we usually don't have to try as hard as they do to catch one anyways. I love you all for sharing and truly hope you find yourselves.

  • Kim

    I am 22 years old and i have a daughter me and my husband have been married for 7 months and together for 2years. In the beginning i never knew he even liked porn, until one day i heard his cell phone ringing i went to pick it up and hit a button which brought up pics and the pics happened to be Porn pics so i confronted him about it and he got angry and said i was spying on him. We talked it out and i told him i would watch porn with him if he really wanted to and here recently he hasn't watched it to my knowledge until tonight he complained his head was hurting and wanted to lay down and when he did i heard a bang out of the bedroom so i went and checked and he said something feel when really he was getting one of his porn movies down to watch alone. I haven't said anything yet but i already have issues with my looks and weight and i'm tired of the lies and about ready to end it all. What can i do to make him understand it hurts and bothers me?

  • Ann

    This is a great article! I'm glad I found it. It's nice to know that I am not the only one dealing with this. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and recently discovered that he has been surfing porn on his phone-A LOT!!! We live together and I "discovered" this by looking at the credit card bill- I mean who doesn't look at their credit card bill before they pay it? There were charges on there for 3 different mobile media companies so I looked them up on the internet and found out they were Adult video sites. I confronted him about it and it got very ugly-he accused me of snooping, he told me it was his "personal property", he got physically violent with me and threatened to leave me. He did leave for awhile but eventually came back. I tried to talk to him about it again but he got very defensive and said that I would only continue to use this as leverage against him. He also told me that "if I wasn't so insecure about myself I wouldn't have a problem with it" and "what is wrong with looking at a few pictures". The trouble is he was surfing for almost 4 hours a night (he works nights) and when I would leave for work he would surf for a few more hours. He would tell me he was going somewhere and then go sit somewhere and surf. I also assume he was doing more than surfing (masturbating) as our intimate relationship deteriorated while he was surfing.

    It makes me feel self-concious about myself and when we are intimate I feel that he is comparing me to all the women that he watches. I know I am not ugly, I also work-out 3 times a week and am a very sexual woman ( I have never turned him down). I am open to trying new things and thought we had a very good sex life.

    I am very confused, hurt and dissapointed by this whole situation and am trying to find some answers. He has had addiction issues in the past so this porn addiction could just be his newest "addiction". I don't know.

  • jc

    Don't forget to be concerned about the "he became physically violent with me" part of your story. Find someone better!!! Get help if you need to, please, but get the heck out of there. His problems are not about you - you are fine the way you are! There are places you can call...Good luck.

  • Anonymous-49

    Hello everyone,

    My husband and I dated 10 years of long distance before we got married. We are still working on our first year. Let me take this back a couple of years. I moved in with him a couple of years ago and one day, I got suspicious of him because he always made sure that he clears his browsing history before logging off the computer. One day, I decided to "spy" on him by turning off that option on the tools bar. I then discovered that he was looking up pictures of girls at the clubs. I wouldn't be so bothered by it until one day, we had a date night. We had a really great time and it's been awhile since we had such a fun night to enjoy each other's company. To me, it felt like a date in the beginning. When we arrived home, he went to shower first. I don't know why but I decided to spy on him so I turn off the clear history option. Then I went off to take a shower. When I finished, I found the computer turned on so I became curious and looked at the history. There it was, pictures after pictures of girls, girsl, and more girls! I became so enraged because I felt so betrayed. I finally confronted him and, of course, he denied it. I finally got tired of his lies so I gave him an ultimatium. So I took his words for it and didn't spy on him anymore.

    One year later, going into 11th month of our marriage, I had to go out of town for a conference. I was away for 4 days. Before I left, we didn't have a chance for any intimacy because we were busy with work and I was trying to get ready to leave. So by the time I returned, it was at least a week of no sex. I expected him to be more into me and excited. But by the time I got ready for bed he was already asleep. The same thing happened the next day. This made me curious so I decided to "spy" on him. What I found this time wasn't girls dressed sexily at the club but that he visited porn sites. Numerous sites. I was so hurt and disappointed by my discovery. I havn't confronted him because I know that he will denied. I also found out that he has an account with utube and I nonchalantly asked him if he signed up with them...he said no.

    After the first incident, I told him that I don't mind him looking at girls or at porn just as long as he doesn't sneak around about it. We do watch porn occasionally and it was always I that initiate it. I always try to make it known to him that I don't mind as long as he doesn't lie about it. But now, he's sneaking around again. I don't know what to do. Should I confront him? I feel like I can't trust him as long as I let it boogle inside me but on the other hand, I know he will deny it with a straight face. I feel like it's a losing battle for me no matter what. Please advise!!!!!

  • andrea

    I have been married once before, now on my second husband, and finding out he too is into this messed up crap. I've expressed my feelings about this subject several times and yet i continue to find it my computer history. I hate all men, I hate this world, because it is ran by men. I hate all the women that accept this as being "normal". I have carried twins for this man.. I take care of all three of our children on a 24 hour basis because they all have a life shorting lung disease called CF. I don't have to put up with this crap. I have decided to just give up on my husband, I don't care what he does, he doesn't love me anyway, so why should i take time to consider him. i will just have to stay married to him because I can't support myself and my children by myself, I just won't have any relationship with him. He makes me so sick to my stomache everytime i think of his face. Who knows maybe one day when my kids are grown, I can just leave this world for good...

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    It is not so much that you should confront your husband because that will cause him to be defensive but that you need to show him what you found and sit and talk to him about what is going on. Be sure to tell him how it upsets you and try to find out why he does it? Is there something he's dissatisfied with in your sexual life together. There is always couples counseling.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-50

    I've been in a relationship with my fiance for over 4 years now and we have twin daughters together. I truly love my fiance but have come to feel like she's not even my friend anymore. I'll spare you all of the exact details, but the short version goes like this: I have been looking at porn and masterbating since I was 17 (a late start from what I hear). I'm now 31, and over the years it has certainly become a sort of addiction. I am filled with shame about it but part of me wants to believe that it's not so bad and that it's actually pretty normal. My fiance has repeatedly verbally abused me about viewing porn, calling me pathetic, a loser, a pervert, a bad father, a sicko, etc. Here's the thing, my fiance is far from perfect and, in fact, I have been excedingly patient and understanding with her problems and shortcomings and never thrown it in her face like that. I would like nothing more than to have her display some patience and understanding with me and help me work through this. I love her and our kids and want nothing else but a happy and fulfilling future for us. I know that I have a problem. My fiance thinks that I'm not attracted to her physically because I look at porn. This couldn't be further from the truth. I look at porn because I'm addicted and I use it as an escape from the things that trouble me. I think she's very sexy, that's why I'm with her (part of the reason). The reason our sex life hasn't been good is because I know she hates me and is disgusted by me. How am I supposed to feel like a man and give her the pleasure she wants when I know she thinks so poorly of me. All I want is for her to accept me for who I am just like I've always accepted her for who she is. It's a total double standard! When she blows up on me and starts getting all verbally abusive it just makes me feel like shit and more distant from her, which in turn makes me want to escape those feelings, and thusly turns me right back to my addiction. I know that this addiction is my problem and my own fault, but all I'm saying is that if you sad women out there (some of you anyway, I know this situation only applies to some of you) want a man that is going to truly love and accept you for as long as you both shall live, for better or worse, so on and so forth, then you need to truly love and accept him, for better or worse, and you get what you want. This world is full of judgement and people trying to put each other down to gain leverage for themselves, it's a hard life. Your spouse is supposed to be the one person above all others that you can trust to not judge you and that you can truly be yourself with without fear of judgement, they are supposed to be your sanctuary. If I freaked out and started calling names and pointing fingers every time my fiance did something that hurt my feelings our relationship would have been over a long time ago. Instead, I've always tried to think of the reasons behind her behavior and realize that her true self isn't defined by the behaviors that she has developed over time as a result of unfortunate upbringings and circumstances that were out of her control. The world would be a much better place if we would all stop condemning each other for every little 'bad' thing we do and start having some real empathy and understanding for each other and realize that none of us are perfect and we all struggle in some way with our shortcomings.

  • jc

    I'm no Dr. Schwartz, but it sounds to me like you and your fiancee' could have quite a good base for a lasting relationship. (I hope Dr. Schwartz responds too.) Reading your note, you sound a lot like my husband and you have obviously shared some of the same struggles that we have weathered. I cannot speak for your fiancee', but I know I have said things that have come out much harsher than I wanted and later regretted. I can only say that the pain I feel when I think of my husband using porn is so deep it cuts me down to my very soul. To me it feels like pure instinct to lash back. It comes from feeling cheated, disrespected, not listened to, and cast aside. I'm guessing that at some point she has tried to talk to you reasonably and regardless of what you told her, went back to porn. In my experience, that is lying. If you want your relationship to last, you need to own your side of the issue *even if she doesn't*. What you do and choose is separate from what she does, and it is your own responsibility to choose what is right. She doesn't trust you, and for me and maybe most women, it takes a long time to earn that trust back. Like I said, I think you have a great base. You're expecting her to ride out your problems. I think she deserves the same. If you KNOW she tends to yell and scream and say not nice things, you can expect her to behave that way. Probably it is just because she is so hurt and doesn't know how to vent. She has stayed with you so I really doubt she thinks you're disgusting ALL of the time -) Good luck

  • Blue

    That's what it always comes down to - if he sees mom as a pain in the butt, someone he isn't fully respectful of, but someone he goes to to get something he needs (money, whatever) I think this is a telltale sign of how he relates to women in general. I have always believed if you want to see how a man will treat you, look how he treats his mom.

    In addition to that, if his family, the one he grew up in, jokes about this crap such as porn, it's in his upbringing, it's in his blood.

    I have a husband who I just found out is looking at porn on the internet. I found it in my web browser's history. We've been married 6 years. It angered me so, this secretive act. I don't know how far it has gone or how far he has taken it. He asks if I trust him. How can I say "yes" when I don't know how far it has gone or is going! He talks about women's bodies quite often, with comments like "boing, boing" and stuff like that, and I'm not sure what to think. Can he just not turn it off and act like a civilized human being? He's an educated man with 3 degrees, yet he comes from a family that is not of that background. I come from a background where my father did not partake in porn and actually thought the men that did were "idiots" when he came upon them looking at the stuff at work, or when he was in the army, and told us years later about these pathetic guys. My dad has no college degrees. My dad is from a European country where women walk around topless at the beach/their backyard and it's not a big deal, so I think porn is a societal issue. It degrades women, just as any act that makes one person subservient to another, degrades that person. I am not sure why the women who display themselves for porn do it but I can guess it's a low self esteem/need to make money/control over men thing.

    It's all just very sad.

  • utterly confused

    I recently found out, after being married for 10 years, that my husband has been looking at pornographic pictures on the internet, watching short video clips. I always knew something didn't feel right in our relationship, after having a very intense, heated arguement, he broke down and told me he was abused at age 10 or 11, by a 15 year old male from his neighborhood. The anger I feel for this person that didnt this to my husband when he was a child, I wish there was something legal I could do, or put him in jail.

    I'm not sure what the next steps will be, but he did tell me he would not keep secrets any longer, I just don't know if i can believe that at this point, I mean, after being with him for 12 years, married for 10 and I never pinpointed was was wrong until finding it on the computer....

  • Michelle

    Hi, I read your article and I agree with some points but also disagree with others. I enjoy chatting online to many men some of whom are my friends and others who are acquaintances. I am tired of people giving guys excuses for their behaviour. Men who look at pornography have mental problems. If they can't sustain honesty in a relationship why do they remain in it. If their desire is masturbation go for it but do it on your own. They need to stop entering into relationship because of their pathetic insecurities. They need to grow up and stop being the perverts that they betray. If they are having difficulties maintain an erection get Viagra. So let’s stop giving these pathetic boys an excuse for their lazy, insecure behaviours.

  • Anonymous-45

    I do agree with you to a point. I don't think that men are hardwired to need to spread their seed everywhere, or we would have never settled into marriages and relationships. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we still debase women, but we act like our women are so liberated. I saw a movie in theatres that had a sex scene that showed a man from behind for about a minute. Many of the men started moaning and groaning about it. But, women see that all the time. We have half-naked women shoved in our faces all day, and it is supposed to be okay. I think many boys are taught at a young age that that's what boys do. We've only had wide access to the internet for some 12-15 years. I think many of these men just can't help themselves. I am okay with porn to a point, but I have seen it become a problem firsthand. I think it depends on the man, and I think it's sad that so much is expected of our women and so little of our men in this country.

  • Shadow

    This whole thing was great to read to see a descent explanation of men and porn. What if it's not that way though? What if it's a couple that yes has that problem with the man watching porn secretly... only the woman is doing the same thing? What do you do if both sides are keeping secrets? I understand the ideas stated to be closer and more understanding. Yet I have seen his version of porn... I have to say... I don't think he could deal with what I am intrested in. What do you do when you have a complacent husband who no matter how much you urge him to be bold and tell you his fantasies, even after you offer up some of your own, still will only listen and then say nothing? What do you do when your fantasy is to have a more "dominating" partner, and you can't even get him to sit and talk with you about his fantasies? I can't tell him about my deep fantasies because he wont even talk to me about the surface of his. I have tried most everything...

    We have two children. His idea of sex is before even getting into bed he is already naked, and trying to get himself turned on. I can be fully clothed ready to snuggle for a few minutes before and he will not even care. Then when approached about it, I can be the calm level headed understanding one and he will yell at me about how we don't have time for that thanks to the kids. This happens even after they have both gone to bed.

    Then there is the porn issue it self. I want to look at porn. However I feel porn is for after the kids have gone to bed. Only because they will not leave you alone. He complains that after they sleep is to late. So instead he hides out in the bathroom with his laptop and watches it that way, usually when he is supposed to be the one watching them. I end up taking over his responsibility as well as my own, leaving no time for me at all. I have school work to do as I am in college and I started having problems when he started just letting the kids run all over, and I ended up watching them while he had a good time.

    We've tried compromise. We will say "sex takes to long, let's just get off and go to bed." Now he is the one who went out, bought "toys" and said "let's try this". I am fine with that, only he does not want me to use them unless he is helping. I am still fine with that! What do I do when he says, "Let's just get off and go to bed" then does just that... he gets off, then he goes to bed... leaving me wanting and waiting. Then he says "oh well you should have said something", so the next time I say something, and then he yells at me. He accuses me of not wanting him to get rest, fights with me about it until I am crying and confused then goes to bed anyways. Then the next day he apologises and yet the very next time it happens all over again.

    What do you do in a relationship like this. When you are the more kinky one and you are the one wanting to try and have sex or try other things outside of sex, try anything at all, and yet you are stuck with a complacent man who only strives to make himself sexually happy?

  • Franco

    Men who view pornography in secret are the one who have been emasculated by their women. Their women have given the message that "having wild sex" is "dirty" and put their man to ask for forgiveness about his male sexual desire. A woman who truly loves her man and is ready to share with him is masculine sexual desire can watch pornography with him. No problem.

  • Anonymous-51

    to shadow....make sure he doesn't have erectile dysfunction issues. He literally might not have time and might be embarassed/scared.

  • Anonymous-52

    He is having an affair. Those signs are easy to read. The way you are describing him it cleary sounds like he is having an affair. Have him watched or watch him. He turns around and blames you for everything and the kids. He is reacting to flee for the sake of the affair. He is giving himself excuses to leave you to be with this woman. Thats why he is complaining so much. He wants to get out, but he feels he is trapped. And he what he is doing is waiting for you to say get out so he can also blame you and he will not feel guilty for his actions. It is sneaky, but men pull this all the time.

  • Anonymous-53

    Today I found out that my partner of 10 years and my husband of two, has been viewing internet pornography. I walked into his office and "caught him" in the act.

    I had suspected that he was, but when I asked him if he used it he said no and in his words "what for?" His office is in the basement of our four storey house and he naturally spends alot of time down there "working".

    I just feel completely gutted and betrayed. SO much so that it surprises even me. Having watched a few films together in the past and having been open with him about my liking for erotic fiction I simply don't understand the deceit. He even has a specialized "fast eraser" program to completely get rid of the evidence of whatever he gets up to online. This of course begs the questions what else is he hiding? How long has this been going on and where does it end? Is he chatting with other women , meeting other women, having sex with other women? Paying for it? The mind boggles. Also recently he has been having erection problems in the bedroom so to my mind this pornography thing is a direct cause and makes a total mockery of our sex life!

    Added to the mix is our inability to have children together after he had a vasectomy during his previous marriage. He had a reversal but that didn't work and at 36 I am not pregnant nor likely to be without a sperm donation. You could of course argue that this problem is linked but I feel this has been going on for some time. Whenever he spends a few days away from his computer his desire and ability to have sex miraculously improve. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why.

    My husband has totally betrayed my trust in choosing to reduce sex to just a selection of orifices of other women online.. and to their well-being of course he is blissfully unconcerned. In this permissive age, it is time that society asked the question, what are the costs to men's, women's and children's mental, emotional and physical well-being of the increasing access to all sorts of depraved and demeaning images online? It has removed in my opinion the very shame that Dr Schwartz speaks of, in that in the past men were more likely to go to their wives for kicks and not spend hours in an ever decreasing spiral of morality, peruse things that previously shame may have prevented them seeking out. I think shame has a necessary part to play in keeping our own moral compass pointing in the right direction , in a way that ensures our behaviour is not detrimental to ourself and others.

    For me, I don't know what the way forward is my relationship, as once the trust has gone, really, what else is there? But I wish you all the best outcomes to your problems.

  • Krissy

    Not too long ago I found out the love of my life was a porn addict. It deeply disturbs me because i do have self esteem problems and i can admit that. When I first became his girlfriend I found photos on his phone of an old "friend" spread eagle. I told him how it hurt my feelings and why would you have that still on your phone? he told me it was old and he never got around to erasing it. After that he erased it and i let it go. But it was when I discovered "asian creme pie" on his computer 6 months later, I was very hurt. I immediatley confronted him about it and asked if he watched it, he denied it and blamed it on his brother. I cried to him and said "please don't lie to me, and please I need to know, i can feel my heart breaking" he denied it with a straight face and told me to not cry that it was his "asshole brother". I wanted to believe him so I was in my own little denial for awhile. Not to long after that I had a gut feeling something was wrong. While I was watching tv he was on the computer and when he walked out i checked his browsing history and that's when i found that he clicked and looked at a "spam message" of an obese mother and daughter giving head to a horse. I asked him "what is this?" he immediately jumps to defend himself and says that he "accidently clicked on it". I told him "I hope you don't watch that because that's pretty twisted". I gave him another benefit of a doubt because I love him and don't wanna believe that he is a out of control nymphomaniac. He is also very close to his mother. She's a very strange woman though and I would like to believe that it was her fault for the way he thinks. For example, one morning she came into the room to wake us up. She asked me if I met his friend Vanessa that she came by the day before and I replied "no" she saw the uncomfortable look on my face and then says "oh don't worry hun, she's one of the friends he didn't fuck" I couldn't believe that came out of her mouth. I was in shock. Then his mother went on about all his hot ladie friends and I became extremely annoyed like she's trying to hurt my feelings. This situation makes me not like his mother very much because she has even admitted to giving her sons porn and telling them it's normal. Everytime I cry to my boyfriend and ask him why????? it turns into a fight because his mother tells him that I have no right to make him feel bad about it. So his mother keeps justifying it and i go deeper into this spiral of depression. Especially since I do erotic tihngs for him. I've taken numerous nude photos and made plenty of videos for him to watch and yet he chooses to watch something else hurts and the fact that he won't be straight up with me hurts. Unlike most couples who go through this I've never lashed out of anger to him it was always sadness. I am a model and yet he still does this. Not too long ago was our 1st year anniversary and we had a pretty good day until i got picked up because i had to go home and help my family with some things. My friend that was giving me a ride went to use the bathroom and that's when he grabs me by the hair and trys to force me to give him head. I started but then couldn't finish because of my friend who had just left the room to use the bathroom. As I was leaving I realized I left something behind. I went back and knocked at his window. He had a shocked ohh shit look on his face. I told him "hurry! let me in! it's freezing! He lets me in and tries to hurry to the computer to click out the page he was viewing, but it was too late. I already saw what he was looking at. I immediately collapsed to the floor in disbelief. I wasn't even gone a minute. I asked him why would he do this right after I leave? that our anniversary was going well and that meant a lot to me. He then blames me for not finishing him and that's why he did it. Although it hurt to hear that, I tried to understand but the thought always crossed my mind that why didn't he look at my pictures instead? why did he have to look at someone else? that how could he say he loves me more then right after i leave he's jacking off to another woman. Like you ladies said before it's hard to earn trust back. So I tried my best. But eventually it got worse. He was still doing it and it enraged me that he thought that I wouldn't notice that he put a private browser on his computer the day after. When I saw that I became very angry to the point to where I thought I was going to become voilent. What I've always been taught is guys who look eventually want to touch. I believe in that very strongly. The last case I had with him was a week ago. I got curious again, one part of me didn't want to look because of the hurt, yet the other part of me just had to know. Due to my manic depression over this I have been oversleeping. I found on his history that he looked up adult gigs on craigslist. He clicked on an add that said "hot girl looking for some early morning fucking" and that isn't just a "fake girl" it was a girl who lived in my city and was obvously an easy one. I became so upset that I couldn't help but to cause some self destruction to myself. It angers me that if I talk to a man who is flirting with me and compliments how beautiful I am. He would run out and tell me that i'm sinful and that he was pissed at me. It also turns out he tells his mother EVERYTHING. she confronted me and told me not to be mad at him because he looked at that because he was bored That "it's a man thing". I read the entire article above and i can see how a man can have low self esteem and do that. But in this case my boyfriend has me and i'm a very good looking woman who is musically inclined and very kinky. I always tell him how much I love him and how he should think his dick was small because it was the perfect size for me. I'd do anything he's ask me but this seems like it's never going to end. Can someone please give me some feedback? I would greatly appreciate it.

  • Anonymous-54

    I just found 'My new black stepdad' porn on our cable bill. Needless to say I'm horrified and I feel like my boyfriend is fanitisizing about my little girl. My daughter is only 3 and I know he's not creepy interms of preschoolers but I just don't know what to think. He said it was just an interracial porn and he's sorry. I feel sick about the whole thing. Does anyone have any imput?

  • Anonymous-55

    To My opinion is way too much chaos! Get out now. Find a healthy relationship. This is not it. Do not bring kids into this. Good luck.

  • Krissy

    Thank you for your input. I'm tired of being put down and being told I am crazy and overly jealous by him and his family. Now that someone else thinks it choas too. Thank you for reading and understanding I greatly appreciate it. If any one else has more feedback don't be afraid.

  • Anonymous-56

    I am really sad because i think my boyfriend can be perfectly fine with us not having sex for weeks because he will always have his porn available. I am not against porn, but when it starts affecting you relationship like this, then i change my mind. I think of porn as a way out for young men, single men, or men whose girlfriends are far away i live 5 minutes away from my bf and i asked him to call me whenever he feels aroused, and it depresses me and makes me feel so unattractive when he chooses to watch porn is really disgusting, i just want to be with a man that loves having intimacy with me and thinks about me when he is feeling horny or when we are having sex.

  • Anonymous-57

    krissy...your post is going to be lost in all the others. Probably nobody else will respond. Besides, you don't need anyone's permission to leave the crappy relationship you're in. Be strong. Leave and find something healthy! Good luck.

  • Anonymous-58

    I have been living with my bf for 10 months, I am 30 weeks pregnant. We never planned the baby so it has been extremely hard for him to accept with . He simply cant accept. He said he is gonna blame me for the rest of my life that I decided to keep the baby. We used to have sex much more often. He is very distant and doesnt look for physical contact. He has rejected me few times when I wanted to have sex. Couple of days ago when I wanted to have sex he just got angry and told me that I am obsessed with him, that I just go and find a hobby or something else to do. He just watches porn and jerks off when I am in the other room. I mean I dont mind him watching porn as long as it doesnt affect our sex life , well obviously it does affect as he prefers to watch porn and masturbate.

  • Anonymous-59

    recently the love of my life and the man I am going to marry this summer has started watching porn on the computer and masturbating almost every morning before I get out of bed. I think we have a great sex life so I am having trouble understanding why he needs to do this. We watch porn together and I dont even mind if he watches it alone. I think the reason it is starting to bother me is because I have caught him in the act and he trys to hide it. I told him to continue and let me watch when I "interrupt" but he is still trying to do it in secret. I am just confused and dont understand.

  • mandy

    I am now in my 3rd week of this all consuming rush of alien emotions that come with finding my husband and lover of 8 years (in my opinion) cheating on me with porn.

    My husband and i have always had a very close relationship and he has always told me that he shares the same opinion as me with regards to porn ,that is that porn is great if you BOTH consent to it and maybe if your a single person,but holds no place in our relationship as we dont need to watch others "at it" to become intermate with each other.

    After the intial blow of finding in our case D.V.Ds and confronting him with them,i have been through a emotinal rollercoster ride that goes from feeling completly lost and emty to numbness that gradualy turns to pain and questioning my own ability to please my husband in bed.

    Im trying really hard to understand his way of thinking but its not easy when i know he is not the same person that he lead me to believe over 8 years ago,which is why im feeling so cheated i think.

    I have tried watching the same films as he did to try and understand what it is he wants but there is nothing in the films that i dont already do for him ,which i s why i keep coming to the same conclusion that it must be me that he dosnt want ,as the women in the films are nothing like me at all.

    Im so glad that there are other women who are going through much the same as me ,as at least now i dont feel as isolated as i did before.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hi Mandy,

    Many women have the same reaction as you to the discovery that their husband was watching pornography. I think an emotional reaction, even anger, is more than understandable. However, I really want to advise caution. It becomes all to easy for any of us to exaggerate and catastrophize. Here is what I mean:

    Your husband is the same man he was before your discovery. Obviously, he felt he had to keep secret his porn addiction. Yes, that is unfortunate. For some reason, men have a drive to watch or view these things. I am not condoning this but I am attempting to understand it and explain.

    Your husband did NOT cheat on you. He still loves you. I am certain that he still lusts after your body. I am sure he is very happy with the sexual relationship you have together. He just seems to need to watch porn and this seems to happen more often than not.

    You know: Men, Can't live with'em and can't live without'em.

    The two of you need to quietly talk to each other about this and work out some kind of understanding. However, in no way should this be allowed to threaten your marriage and your love for one another.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • nessa

    I have very strong feelings about watching porn. My husband use to watch porn everytime I wasn't around until I mentioned something about it on numerous occassions. It's been about six months since he's watched any porn, and believe me, I would know if he was. Up until yesterday we have been very open and honest with eachother. I don't like feeling lied to, and men be truthful to yourself at least, with holding information is the same as lying.

    Im not 100% against porn, Ive watched it myself, and I to prefer to do it in private or with my husband aswell. I understand where most women are coming from when they say that they feel unattractive when they find there men watching porn. I am 5'6 with black hair and alot of men would say Im beautiful. I recently gained 20lbs after giving birth to our daughter and have felt a little more insecure than usual and when I find porn search for "Skinny blonde" My complete opposite might I add, it does make me feel a little more insecure and unattractive in his eyes.

    I love my husband and we do talk openly about this, and he has respected my request until recently.. What I would like to know is, if a man can go SIX months without watching porn, why all of a sudden does he feel the urge to do it NOW?

    We have been through alot in our relationship, we've done the unltimatum thing before because I had found naked pictures of other women on his phone when we weren't really "together" ...

    We have been together for almost 2 years now and our sex life is absolutley amazing! not to brag, but we have sex sometimes 3 times in one day everyday of the week! So what the hell changed that he has resorted to jacking off?? I have masterbated more this week than I have in the last 2 years because he's wasting it all on himself! >:(

    I don't think men realize that maybe the reason your woman isn't putting out is because she knows you're always jacking off so this gives us a discouraging feeling. Like we don't need to try anymore, cuz honestly, whats the point if you're just going to turn to porn anyways? Your hand is better than my vag, is another way to look at it. It may not be moist but I guess you can make it as tight as you want...

    Anyways, these are my thought, many may not feel the same but as of late I have been feeling more and more unattractive or as if he's getting bored of me...

  • Anonymous-60

    I am 63 and after a night of failed lovemaking i have ed ,my wife wanted more and more sex ,i thought i was going to lose her if we could not have intercourse anymore .She wanted so much but i could only achieve an erection for a few minutes and rarely ejaculate .Instead of talking this problem through with her , or seeing a gp for a hospital referal i foolishly thought i could go it alone .After hearing men talk about porn at work ,and the effect it had on them ,I decided to have a look for myself .I started viewing soft porn when that didn't work ,I started to look at the more extreme material . I looked at most things some I did not like at all . nothing ever worked . IT all came to an abrupt stop one day , I had been on a site which said all the girls on this site are 18 or over . The girls looked younger than 18 ,this was when my wife confronted me about my porn usage .Unbeknown to me my wife was checking out the history on my computer for the last twelve months , although i had been looking at porn for two years . I did not realise I had neglected her for soooo long. It has ruined our marriage , we are both on anti - depressants and hanging on by a thin thread .

    The moral of this story is - do not fall into the trap that porn will help you it doesn't . It now looks as if all my fears will be realised all because of porn . DON'T GO THERE TALK .

  • Anonymous-61

    I cannot understand why, if you were having or are having erectile problems, you did not see your Medical Doctor for a checkup? At your age, 63, erectile problems are not unusual but can be symptomatic of a physical problem such as diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. If those are ruled out, then, the MD would put you on Viagra and you would not need porn to stimulate an erection.

    So, rather than blaming your problem on porn, you should see you medical doctor.

    However, something in your story does not make sense. If you were viewing porn to stimulate yourself so that you might have an erection, why would your wife be angry with you? In fact, why would you hide the porn from her? Presumably, from what you say, you were viewing porn so that you could better make her happy sexually.

    Methinks you had other reasons for porn.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Men...

    I keep repeatedly seeing men say that they think masturbation and watching porno will increase their endurance. However, in my experience, I could always tell when my boyfriends masturbated beforehand, because they could not get as hard. I don't know what started the myth among men that masturbating before sex when you're dating will help you perform better sexually. It does not.

  • Whole New Show

    Why are all you women posting crap about men on here? You dont' have a clue about us. If you did more to look better rather than watching the view and worrying about what your friends from work thinks then maybe we wouldn't beat our meat to Backdoor Bianca and her troop of girls from planet sex!

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: What you appear to be saying here is that men use porn because they want to have sex with more attractive partners than their own partner. You may be on to something here but I'd suggest that it's less about partner *attractiveness*, and more about partner *diversity*. Some men simply want/need/desire a diversity of sex partners and no single actual partner they have - no matter how attractive - can ever fulfill that want/need/desire if it is present. I provide this reframe becuase the way you've offered your feedback is angry and attempting to blame women for a problem they did not create. They may contribute to the problem of their own suffering (and the suffering of male partners) in some ways (e.g., by insisting that a man who cannot/wil notl be monogamous act monogamous), but male motivations for porn use are not something they created in such cases.

  • ck

    I came across this article when I was searching for the answers why do men look at porn. I have noticed some rather strange behavior from my boyfriend over the past few months, we have been living together for almost two years now. I thought maybe I should look at his history on IE seeing what he's been looking at. Everytime I leave the house he is looking at porn. I am not mad just trying to understand why. We have sex everyday without any issues in the bed. We change things up too, hair pulling, scratching, numerous positions, etc. I was under the assumption we had a fantastic sex life and still think that.

    I seen the porn and it shocked me that he was hiding it from me. I'm a very open minded women and love to try new things sexually. I will tell you when I seen what he was doing in secret (daily) that it did make me question myself. I ask myself "Am I what he really wants?", "Do I look good enough?", "Am I young enough?", "Is he bored with me?", "Does he need more than one partner?" and many more things going through my head. I do not have children with this man and have always considered myself attractive and never had these questions until I seen the history. Like I said I'm not mad just want to understand why in secret? In the beginning of the relationship we watched porn together and it stopped for an unknown reason. Now he hides it and that's what makes me have all the questions.

    He has no idea that I know and I'm not sure that I will confront him about it. If I mention he's acting strange he gets very defensive and I'm trying to stir things up would just like some answers and honesty.

  • unsure

    I've also come across this website and found the info very interesting.

    My husband and I have had porn come up as an issue a few times, each time leading to tears. It usually starts with me being interested in sex, him declining me most times, then me finding out that he doesn't want any because he's already masturbated and came already. It makes me really upset that he can't find that same enjoyment with me.

    I'm a open minded person who has a strong sexual appetite and always have been more than willing to try something different, view porn together and talk about fantasies together. If I could have my way, I'd love to have sex every day!

    The issue is that I found that as soon as i'm not home (for long enough) he's busy masturbating to porn and then when i'm ready for it, he doesn't want it. He'll give me excuses like "i'm tired and not up to it at the moment".

    I have some severe scarring on my stomach and it's taken a long time for me to build my self esteem and to be comfortable around my husband. I've spoken to him about how it makes me feel when he's looking at it all the time and he says he doesn't need to, that he understands how it hurts me and that he won't anymore. (I thought this was noble and understanding of him). But it all ends up being just words without meaning.

    For years I've been made to feel that I'm the only one that reacts like and that it's a problem for me to just deal with. Reading pages like this has helped me understand that i'm not alone out there and that it's not just all in my head.

    Now.. just to work through this issue.....

  • GirlGoneCrazy

    I am 27, my boyfriend of 4 years is 29. When we first started dating I knew he had porno DVD's. It didn't bother me because I didn't think he watched it that often. We moved in together shortly after our relationship started and he found out I was talking to another guy only over the phone. We were just friends but it really hurt my bf that I had a male friend. So I had to lie about talking to this guy. My bf is severly depressed and took zoloft to help with his depression. Our relationship was so rocky we ended up moving back into our parents home. He stopped taking the zoloft. He went from having a low sex drive while on zoloft, to a very high sex drive while off of it. I found out he was watching porn though instead of having more sex with me. Sex has always been an issue. I wanted more more more... I am pretty computer savvy and I could figure out while he was at home, he was viewing porn sites. He would lie to me and say he was going to bed and he would stay up late to watch porn. When I confront him about it he says things like.. Well you talked to another guy which is worse then porn. Or, it's just porn who cares? I CARE!! We would fight about porn on a regular basis... I would ask him to watch it with me.. NO! I would ask him to share his fantasies with me... He says, he doesn't have any fantasies?!?! WTF kinda BS is that? Everyone has fantasies. Eventually this started all messing with my mind. I would start fantasizing about him watching porn, about him having sex with other women... I would play out these sick scenerios in my mind of him cheating on me or telling me that porn is better then me and I would get off to these thoughts then feel like crap afterwards. When we have sex it is the same routine. We are going to bed together, he starts touching me, then we have sex... Now don't get me wrong we have great sex when we have sex.. Kinky, dirty sex. I will do just about anything and I have for him. So I don't understand why he has to watch porn. We don't live together now. We see each other 3-4 times a week though. He could be having sex with me at my apartment where I live alone everytime we see each other. But he only gets horny right before he goes to bed. That's even when he watches porn. Right before he goes to bed. So we don't have sex everytime we see each other because he doesn't sleep here everytime he visits. He comes over we hang out then he goes home and before bed he will jerk off to porn then go to sleep. He could live with me but instead he would rather be an almost 30 yr old man that lives with mommy and daddy doesn't pay rent and jerks off in his parents computer room. And I fantasize about him masturbating without me. So who is more perverse him or me? I can't take it anymore we recently broke up for a little over 2 months. I started to see someone else. He got back in touch with me I told him I was seeing someone else. He begged me literally on hands and knees crying, Please give me another chance! I will move in with you again! We will get engaged! I will stop watching porn! I promised I would stop talking to my male friend and I would not see anyone else. So I gave him another chance. I lived up to my promises but the same things started coming up again with him. I would know he was watching porn. Cause if we are supposed to hang out we have plans but he jerked off the night before.. He will ditch me cause what's the point in hanging out if he just jerked off the night before. So we had an arguement in which he came clean that he has watched porn since we got back together which I already knew. I was so disgusted. He promised me. We have been having sex way more often since we got back together. Why? Why the need to look at other naked women? I know I am attractive, I know I have a kickin' lil body, I know I can perform better then these whores in the porns, and I am real, ready, and willing. Yet after arguing for hours about this. I pretty much make him have sex with me, and during sex I fantasize about him being with other women. Am I sick or what? This porn thing has become all consuming. I think about it too often. I feel bad about myself. I feel bad that my boyfriend is so unhappy with our sex life that he needs to turn to porn. Then I feel bad about myself for being turned on thinking about him jerking off like a 13 yr old boy in front of a computer screen. I dunno if I should just end this sick relationship and try to find something healthy, or if he and I should try to work out our sexual hang ups and move foward. It seems so complicated to me but the answer is probably simple.

  • Anonymous-45

    The man that wrote about worrying about what his wife's friends at work think seems to have a few personal issues going on in his relationship. I think it comes down to what kind of relationship you want to be in. Some people are okay with it, and some are not. I personally want something that is truly sensual, and not in a really naive way. I am in a long-term relationship and have had others, so I realize that the newness fades and, it sometimes takes work to keep the spark going. This has to be done from both sides, not just one. I think if one partner just goes and pursues other avenues all the time, then it is hard to have a truly intimate relationship. Everyone has their own opinion on it, and I just don't understand why some men that have posted on here react with anger when women are posting about feelings of hurt. I don't believe that it is just that your boyfriend/husband is looking at it that upsets most women. I had a problem in my relationship with pornography. We were having sexual problems for months and months and then I discovered the reason why. I think many women become marginalized due to pornography and that is the reason for their insecurity, not oh, he can get aroused by other women. Now that I have become older, I know what I want out of life, and I am just glad that my partner was willing to work with me. If he was not, then I would have found someone that was willing. It's sad that something like this even effects our relationships today. I know mine very nearly ended over it (it was chronic and quite embarrassing to both of us). We're still not totally over it, but slowly moving closer to where we both want to be in our relationship. We both had things to change. I am willing to admit that it was not only him. I am only human, but we are working on everything and really feeling positive about it.

  • Anonymous-62

    I have been dealing with a porn addict now for 4 years. It began when I would see porn on his computer. I then began feeling he was not attracted to me because I am not 18 and a skinny lady. I asked him why he would look at it and he would either say he was curious or he would lie and say he did not look at it at all! He would also get furious with me for questioning him and either walk away or get a bit aggressive. What really hurts is that he tells me he will not do it again, yet I see signs of it and continue noticing him being moody. He acts as if I am paranoid and just want to argue with him. I have tried so hard to mentor to him and explain how it is killing me and my self esteem, but he continues to do it behind my back.

    I recently had surgery and he left all night and came back with erotic literature on his phone. Again, he lied to me and said he did not do any such thing until I showed him the evidence. He is a good man to me, but he lies way too much! He went from porn to actually cheating. I love him so much that I have allowed him to ruin me as a confident woman. I feel Im too fat, not slutty enough, not thin enough, not tan enough. I have even thought maybe I need a boob job or blond hair. The one thing that hurts me most is that I do not understand why he says he looks at women to get to me. He says when we argue, he turns to that to get to me. I never have bought into that, because who is going to look at something they do not like? He did tell me when we first met he was not fully attracted to me because society painted a picture of the ost beautiful women weighing 100 lbs. Here I am voluptuous and beautiful. I will never weigh 100 lbs if I tried. He told me he said I was not attractive because his own feelings about himself. He said he did not feel good enough, but then again he has said he never felt good enough for the skinny blonds. He talks out of both sides of his mouth which keeps me questioning him. How am I supposed to feel and what does this sound like to you? If he continues to do bad things to me, does it mean he is not into me enough to stop the porn and sex sites? How does someone feel you are not attractive, then say it was because of his own self esteem issues? Doesn't him looking at porn mean he is wanting that type of woman over me., but feels he can't get them? HELP!

  • tiff

    well ive been with my partner 3 years and we have a 2 year old son together. over the last year i found out that my fianc'e was watching porn...when i discoverd this i felt like i let him down sexually and that i wasnt good enough and that i didnt turn him on. When i confronted him about it all he said was ''all men do it''..and ''its quicker than sex.''...which made me feel even its quicker he says no he cant be botherd to make the effort to have sex with me. We hardley have sex at all. Im lucky if i get it 1 a month. But i look on his computer and read his history and his on porn most days of the week and most weekends. I just feel unwanted and betrayed in a way. He openly admits he goes on it and laughs at me whenever i have brought the subject of him wanking over porn. I asked ''whats wrong with me?''..he says its not me that its him!...i just think porn should be for men who are single or in long distance relationships. Am i wrong for feeling the way i do?

  • Nett

    Although I still have a problem to deal with which has only recently come to light with my husband, some of your comments on this site have been really helpful to me. Some have given me hope while some have frightened me with their lack of hope!

    But, just to know it's not just me and that my feelings are not unreasonable is helping to give me strength at a very painful time in my marriage.

    I so want to work things out with my husband whom I love with all my heart.

    This is a new problem - Internet porn addiction - different from just magazine or video porn. It's far more varied, far more intense and also, I gather, far more addictive potentially.

    There must be so many marriages suffering due to this stuff. I'm no prude and, like many of you wonderful and brave ladies, had a great sex life and had no qualms about watching porn with my husband. I never or rarely turned him down when it came to intimacy so it's not as if I wasn't there for him. We have had such a happy marriage and we have always been so close and it has hurt me so much that he has betrayed my trust in him.

    I can't imagine where this is all leading for society as a whole if, as it seems, so may men are into this stuff in a big way and putting their relationships in jepardy for the sake of such superficial, impersonal cheap thrills. There are going to be lots of unhappy women with impotent men I guess.

    It's sad and it's worrying and I just hope and pray that I can work things out with my husband and that we can come through this.

    Thank you all for sharing your experiences with yet another hurt and confused lady.

  • Nathaniel

    It's simple. Most men would like to enjoy sex more frequently than most women are interested in. In the case of my marriage (over 20 years) and I imagine many other couples, my wife's interest in sex waned early on, at the time our first son was born. Before that time, engaging in sex two to three times a week was not uncommon for us and to this day is more in line with my own libido. I believe mutually gratifying sex is one of the greatest gifts we can appreciate in our lives on Earth, and I view a healthy sex drive as a positive thing and nothing to feel shameful about. And although my wife does seem to enjoy sex, she also has to manually put it on her radar screen and one to two times per month is more her speed. I believe we have a healthy relationship in every other way but our sex drives are not compatible. In the early days this discrepancy made me very insecure about myself and our marriage, and I was often walking around holding onto a good deal of resentment and negative energy. I was really questioning if the marriage could last. But at that time I was also very focused on establishing my career and being devoted to my kids, so rather than tackle the big question I decided to just take one day at a time.

    Along with the rise of the Internet came the rise of Internet pornography and my discovery of the two came minutes apart. While my feelings toward this medium are somewhat ambiguous (to be clear, I have no interest in pornography that appears to degrade or exploit someone, but there does seem to be a plethora of pornography where the parties involved appear to be willing participants), I eventually realized that having an outlet to "explore" aspects of sexuality that I was curious about allowed me to drop the resentment I was harboring and keep positive about all other aspect of our family life. My feelings of being unfulfilled sexually was my issue, and I addressed it. While I know some would argue that pornography use implies a degree of "infidelity", it is at least discreet and safe in terms of disease, pregnancy, and potential for attachment to someone outside of the marriage. And I no longer walk around the house angry at my wife for her not understanding or participating in something that is important to me. To this day I am still very much attracted to her, and the best sex is still the "real" sex we share, along with the sense of rejuvenation in the days afterward. I can't see why any of this should be a surprise or a big deal to anyone.

  • Anonymous-45

    It is a myth that men want sex way more than women. I happen to like sex nearly everyday, and I have two children. You said that your wife's sex drive dropped nearly dramatically after having your first, and usually there is a reason for it. She has the same needs and urges as you, and I would not be surprised if she is doing the same as you more than twice a month. Pornography is a way to escape whatever is hindering your sex life rather than getting to the root of the problem. I cannot believe anyone would only want sex twice a month unless it's just kind of a giving into the inevitable kind of thing. I don't mean to be rude, but maybe you two should do some serious talking. Are you really happy using pornography instead of getting the real thing almost all of the time?

  • Anonymous-63

    My husband and I have been together nearly 20 years, and have small toddler and one on the way. The subject of him watching porn raises its ugly head every 6 months or so. I 'catch' him (i also hate the word catch, so demeaning) through reviewing IE explorer history, we have a discussion, he says he will stop, etc., etc., etc., I find the fact that he views porn demeaning, belittling of our relationship, and just don't understand his need to do it. His philosophy (as with millions of other men it seems) is that 'everyone does it', its not a big deal and he can't understand why i find it so offensive. The most recent instance was quite recently, and I told him that the trust was gone, and that it was a serious threat to our marriage, he said that whilst he understood that I felt quite seriously about it, he still didn't see what the problem was, that he was unlikely to change ( you found me this way) and that he didn't think he should change, that he was a good husband and father, and that we had an otherwise good relationship - so back into my court it came. I now need to decide whether it worth terminating an otherwise very happy and fulfilling marriage (btw sex life has always been pretty good, a bit mainstream for him I think, but pretty frequent, at least a couple of times a week) based on his 'occasional' look at internet porn (and i don't think its every day, so he's right in that its occasional)... i would love to hear anyone else's thoughts, do I just get over myself and my prejudices and be happy in the marriage as it is, or stand my ground on my beliefs and call it a day?

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    So many women have posted similar types of confusion, dismay and anger over the issue of their husbands viewing pornography that I will soon post a new article about this issue.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Crushed in Northern Colorado

    Dr. Schwartz, should I become what he wants? Should I go against my beliefs that porn is a sin, and watch it with him? I'm a prude, always was and can't even imagine changing. I feel ugly, fat, inadequate, worthless, and totally betrayed. I'm so unhappy about this and I want to make him happy, but I have to be happy first. Please help.

  • Anonymous-64

    MY husband of nine years, will go months without having sex with me? Yet he'll wait till i fall asleep at night and go watch porn?, literally within minutes of me sleeping i know hes horny but its like he will save it untill i am asleep? I do try to have sex with him ! , Very often ! Then i waited to see if he'd come on to me he didnt... So one morning i attempt he then tells me he has to pee and wasnt horny to begin with even though i know he is... So in my opinion porn totallty messes up their minds and gives them unrealistic expectations from us women ! I think they wouldnt get bored with us and would still be turned on if they didnt fixate on these fantasy sex scenes... :/ He failed to show me affection and have sex and continued with occasional porn but only once in a while, yet after we talked we still didnt have the sexual attention yet he swears he attracted just doesnt need sex like other guy ..Well why are u looking at other women if u dont ? Sad to say we split because of the porn and now our child has to suffer with out having a dad around !

  • Anonymous-45

    I was in a similar situation, although we would try and my boyfriend could not function for months and months on end. He was looking at it when myself and our children were in the room. He hasn't watched it for about six months now, but it's still in the back of my mind. I do feel inadequate, bc he would rather take care of himself than have sex. I am giving it a shot, but I just don't know. I am attractive. I have two children, so I do have a few stretch marks, but whatever. I work out on a regular basis, and I get all kinds of looks in the streets. I think maybe I just need to find someone that is interested in a real woman instead of staring at a computer monitor. I am glad to see a woman stick to her guns. All this crap you hear about "how do I compare" I think has very little to do with it. How can you feel you compare when we go unsatisfied? How can they feel satisfied just doing that all the time? I like to feel something real. I think having everything right at their fingertips is too much for these boys (not real men) these days. You will find someone that truly respects you and what you want in a relationship. Best of luck to you!

  • Anonymous-52

    I do not find sex shameful, only if it is being explored with your partner. If your partner is not putting out, maybe she's too tired taking care of every day lifes duties. I recently loss interest in sex. Why? Because I caught my man looking at porn. Totally ruined it for me. I got disgusted. Sex is and was suppose to be a mystery for to loving partners to figure it out with each other. I love a mystery. Women love mystery. With mystery comes the unknown and that makes it exciting. Porn ruins it. It exploits it. And it degrades women. You know it hurts us, but you continue to do it.....why? You fall in love with some one......why? To share secrets and to share dreams with that person. Right? If you hide your sexual fantasies, and you claim to be sexually attracted to her, but do this behind her back........What do you think your doing then? You men have this twisted way of thinking. You should women be treated like this, you know, they way men treat women in porn? As that the way you think it should be? Would you watch your daughter get direspected like that? What if it was your daughter performing those acts on multiple men? What if your daughter was married to a man who would not have sex with her and only wanted porn? What would you tell her? Her feelings are hurt and she cries because of this on a daily bases, is that okay? I had to ask my boyfriend these questions. We have two daughters. And he said no man better treat my girls like that. Then why treat me like that if you love me.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hi Whatever and All,

    I want to direct you to the latest article on this pornography issue on this web site. It is at:

    Your comments and opinions are appreciated

    Dr. Schwartz

  • so true!

    that is true @whatever why do men watch pron i have the same problem and i have one daughter i will never understand why..... its hurts me makes me feel useless and ugly all these girls on porn have beautiful bodies but to have sex with many men like that? ok when your with a man they want you all to themselves but when they watch porn its ok to see one girl with many guys or many girls with one guy? i dont understand and its heartbreaking its ruins many relationships

  • Silent

    this is all very meaningful ....its helps understand why men watch porn, but what about the men who never get abused, and still watch porn frenquently?! what if my boyfriend and i have sex almost everyday and he still goes behind my back and watches it.... He says i never beg him for sex that he begs me, and when he wants sex i say i am tired... that is not true i just had a baby three months ago i stay up in the night and wake up in the morning for her he doesnt.....i have ever right to be tired....? what does that mean its true he says i never beg him like it says guys want to be in control in sex make the women slaves... my bf likes to be rough and do rough things? whats that about even when it hurts me he likes it?ive caught him many times watching porn and says he wont then i say i dont trust him and if i dont trust him he says he might as well go cheat or do stupid things anyways i see a problem there..... (major problem)it makes me not want to be with him...i love him and hes the closet i have ever been to anyone but i have never felt so bad about the way i look and weigh before? any advice or help or answers?

  • Anonymous-65

    so if men look at porn for all of that why would my man stare at this girl lll the time on this porn dvd cover? i even caught my boyfriend hook up a tv and dvd player to go watch porn? i went out there one day and ltook the cord and hid it ... he went out there one day and hurried and put the dvd back and hid the cr before i hid the cord? i see my boyfriend look at other women alll the time. I even saw a friend i havent seen i na long tiem at wal mart and when he saw her he got all shy and lit up... and nervous what is that about?

  • Destiny

    First of all - my question to all these women. Why would you spy on your husband?? The idea of spying to me is very funny because I dont understand why you'd get into a relationship like marriage where all you need is trust and understanding. If you dont trust him why are you with him? Second of all, arent men and women different, is this still a mystery? I am a married woman myself and I know my husband is into porn and we are very open about it. I joke with him about it and at the same time dont like it. So we talk I ask him what is it that he likes about it, he smiles and never answers. I needed to read a bit on it coz I figure at some point it started to get me too. But instead of having bitter feelings I made myself a little open about it. I watched porn with my husband and it was really fun. Why cant women enjoy a bit more than complain?? Yes if its an addiction and you know it is, talk and find help for him. Btw I know many women who is into porn too, so its not men only! Some women feel disrespectful, which I understand but do we have to get that complicated, dont we have enough problems in the world already?? Its not that I make love everyday, no, but when we do its wonderful and yes we have watched porn together and it was great. Arent we all living in make-belief life, so whats wrong if men takes a journey into his world of fantasy - isnt it the same how some women are addicted to fashion magazine, I find it same kind of emotion, but handled in different ways - normal coz men and women are not the same! Ok - once you find out, face him/her, share how you feel, ask them not to hide coz you know!!

    Let me share how I look at it?? Instead of feeling hurt or cheated, its better to make yourself feel sexy and give yourself to him to play. Why shy away? I found out about my husband's porn fantasy not by spying but by sharing hello women dont you know how to find that out?? What happened to your karma?? DO you ever wonder how your partner feels to know that you are spying on him?? Does that bring any peace in your relationship, doesnt that give him more reasons to hide?? I am not saying I love porn or the idea of it, but its better for everyone to read and find out why it exists, the history of it. Knowledge now is at the touch of your palm, use it. Understand it. Give love, bring peace. Fighting, complaining, nagging, putting it on others' shoulder is silly. Try understanding yours and your partner's need. There will be a lot less divorces, if only we talked a little more. I find it highly immature of some who cursed the doctor and made fun. Men who wants to watch will watch regardless, men who wants to cheat, will cheat - why should it matter to you, if you are sexy enough and confident then let him choose his way. There is always someone better in that case. If porn is considered cheating, then I think its high time we all seriously take some therapy or take a spiritual journey.

  • Rookh

    If I may say so, it is obvious that the male in nature is genetically programmed to mate with as many females as possible. Women are only baffled by male porn use because female sexuality is monogamous, not polygamous. Watching porn is perfectly natural for men, because it satisfies their urge to mate with many women. Men get bored with one partner, that is just how things are. Also, Internet porn has raised male standards and expectations far beyond what most women can provide in looks, youth and sexual skill. Nowadays, Joe Blow is only interested in 7s, 8s and 9s and most women score far below that on the 1-10 attractiveness scale.

    I doubt there are any solutions to this dilemma. You can't just switch off millions of years of genetic programming.

  • Anonymous-45


    Women would also like to mix it up as well. We get angry about it, because you don't know how to satisfy a real woman and that is why you'd rather hide out. Oh yes, I doubt you are a 7, 8, or 9. BTW, they have also found the oldest nuclear family, and it is 5000 years old, so men are not programmed to simply spread their seed everywhere. Who would have cared for women and young when they were weakened from birth? Get your facts straight.

  • whatever

    Girl, I will give it up to you. You truly are obediant to your husband. Yes, communication is the answer. But, we are no longer apes and men should have evolved by now. You would think? I truly think you are full of it. I think it's funny that you would ask him why he watches it and he smiles and looks away. Sounds like you are just as concerned as we are, but you give him the benefit of the doubt. I would like for you to ask him again and please share his answer with us. I am ver opened minded. But I only can get pushed so far. I am sorry, but if my man is watching porn call "Barely Legal" I think we got a problem on our hands. It's called being a pedifile. A lot of pedifiles watch porn. Ever watch to catch a predator? These sick men bring porn for these little girls to watch. It's funny what porn has done to our society. People get obsessed with it. And children get brought into it. And you wouldn't believe how many of them are married. I will embrace my sexuality, but it will not include porn. Porn destroys the mystery of sex. It exploits it and gets children involved. And we wonder why our little girls are so confused. And young men are too. Where are the real men any way? The ones that teach family value and to have modesty and morals. I bet you would allow your man to cheat if it was to make him happy. You would sacrifice your happiness for his selfishness. I bet he is very selfish. Or he would of answered your question on why he watches it, instead of smiling and walking away. Men are not a mystery. They hide because of guilt. It's not because they are ashamed. They feel bad for what they do and they know what they are doing is wrong. So they hide.

  • Anonymous-66

    I know my boyfriend watches porn but that doesn't mean im ok with it. its hard for me to accept the fact that he does and i have asked him many times why he watches it. ive been trying to find answers for this but nothing is really popping out. I just sometimes dont understand why he has to go look and watch a bunch of other naked women perform sexual acts when i'm right here doing everything and anything for him. it makes me sometimes feel like im not good enough for him because i dont have big breasts like these porn stars. At this point I am just trying to ignore the fact that he watches porn. this helps alot but it is still in the back of my mind. We've talked about it a couple times, but don't really go into detail.

  • Happy Guy

    I started watching porn as a teenager as I got fascinated by how it is actually done. Little did I know that porn was an exaggeration of reality. Many years later now I am married and very happy with a smart and beautiful wife. She was unaware of hardcore till I showed her all that is out there. Some of the videos had her gasping "oh my", and some (swallowing, cumming on face etc) had her feeling disgusted. But it was an interesting experience, because she had never imagined any of this, let alone experience it.

    A few months after our engagement, before our wedding day (we were staying virgins till then), I started viewing porn mainly as a tutorial/example of the things I would really get to do now. I could see how unrealistic this was because porn is really a movie shot with many takes, but I was interested to see how long I could last in terms of hold power. Later when the sex started, I noticed that none of the masturbatory exploits I had were of any good, as I came hopelessly in less than 3 minutes. Real sweaty sex was miles ahead of 2 dimensional porn in terms of excitement, and this was hard to handle. Over the last year, I have increased my staying capacity by practicing sex with my wife, and not masturbation.

    Interestingly, my wife too has been curious about the things that people do while having sex, so once I "caught" her watching hard core. She shut everything down with a naughty smile, and something in me felt very good. That I wasn't alone in my 'naughty' habit. Sometimes we watch amateur porn together and try to do what they do under the safe assumption that amateur porn is closer to real sex than the professional, multi-shoot, movie production porn.

    What I thought would wreck my marriage is actually filling it with new ideas.

  • Anonymous-67

    I have been married for 44yrs thought I had the best husband and marriage in the whole world , until I discovered my husband had been having an affair with his computer. this used to happen mostly whilst I was on night duty but sometimes he could not wait and went onto porn sites while I was in the next room . he has ed and says he looked at porn to see if he could get an erection all in the name of medicine I might add - yeah right . I am supposed to have believed this , not that masterbating to the porn sites was a selfish act , I was a willing partner if he wanted sex with me . I am destroyed , I have recently retired from work ,our marriage is gone and to be honest ,don't think it can be saved . I don't trust him any more because of his lies his betrayal and all the secrecy that surrounds this filth . He says he's done but can an addict stop? I don't think sooo .thanks to all the women out there I thought I was alone .

  • Anonymous-68

    I am a 32 year old woman. I am in a relationship with a man who views hardcore porn at least 3 hours a day. When our relationship began (and I didn't know about the porn), we had great sex. I was uninhibited and felt sexy and wanted it all the time. I slowly began to discover that, as time went on, he began to lose interest in sex, even though I was ready to go often and really enjoyed myself during it. But he wanted sex less and less. I began to address this issue. He explained that he is really into porn, and that I, unlike the dominas that he watches online, lack their skill and comfort with sexuality. I was devastated. I have explained that when he talks about how he fantasizes about other women, that I feel a bit insecure. I know that I am a sexy woman, but he never seems as aroused by me as he does by them. I recently discovered that he spends at least 3 hours a day looking at porn. He is becoming more and more distant.

    I don't want to have sex with him anymore. When he is locked in his office, I know what he is doing, and I get upset. Here I am, ready to go and in need in the other room, and there he is, getting aroused by other women.

    I am not an uptight woman. I have watched some with him before. I was turned on. He doesnt' want to do this very often, and seems to prefer being alone with his hotties to spending time with me.

    I think the relationship is over...I am young and full of live and love sex. Does anyone have any advice? Please!

  • Anonymous-69

    I met my husband 3 yrs ago. While we were dating, I knew he watched porn. I would watch it something with him. Sex was great. As time want on, he did not like watching porn with me anymore and the sex slowed down. ALOT!!! We would have sex once every 2 to 3 months. I love sex. I want to have it all the time. He would rather watch porn and masterbate. I have even read his emails and he has send pictures to other women that he has know for a long time. So he says. I don't trust him anymore. I don't feel sexy to him. I feel when he looks at me he is looking at the women on the internet or his past friends. I need help!!!!!

  • Anonymous-70

    I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now. We started off really good and have had an amazing sex life. We spent almost everyday together and I would never have ever doubted that he didn't love me. 5 months later we started fighting more over trivial things which started causing a love hate relationship full of passion and love and intense fighting... We try to work through the issues and they seem to be understandable to both of us that its part of a growing relationship to understand how we communicate and understand each other....however - during the last few months i noticed he was doing a lot of double takes on women walking on the street that looked really good - i told him it irritates me and to stop looking like that in front of me...i appreciate womens beauty myself and wouldn't mind to comment on someone pretty but when he does 2 takes without comments it makes me feel like he is checking out other women a bit too much...i talked to him and he said that he wasn't doing that - but i'm there and know what i see...2 weeks ago i discovered that he's been viewing porn - he said he only started 2 months ago around the time we started fighting...i asked him why does he watch it when we have sex everyday - i have no problem if we can spice things up together but i'm not comfortable with him and i being intimate together and that he releases sexual urges on his own - it feels selfish to me...his answer to me on why he does it is because it filters his need to sleep with other women...he says that every man does that and that he is not cheating on me...we've been talking about it for two weeks and its really affecting me - he says that he desires to sleep with a variety of women and that porn is a filter to not do it in real life...i really feel disrespected that the man i love and who i thought loved me is telling me he would sleep with other women and that porn is his filter...i'm not sure what to make out of it...he says that its normal and these urges he can't control and that all men are like that - i disagree and explained to him that i'm not comfortable with that - i also tried to make him see how rude that is by giving him an example to imagine how he would feel if i said i started fantasizing driving around in porches or going for expensive dinners etc with other men etc....anyhow i kinda broke up with him but its all fresh and i don't know if i'm overreacting or if this is really an absurd situation...i almost feel that if i stayed with him that down the road lets say 2 years later i found out he slept with someone he would say its only physical and it was an urge he couldn't i being over sensitive to porn and his honest and direct answer or i should leave him?

  • Anonymous-71

    Destiny- when porn replaces sex, why have you no compassion for another woman? it can and has been labeled a sickness. get your facts straight before you go criticizing these poor girls. (also get some grammar lessons...)

  • yyyxx

    I am sick of what porn does to men. Don't get me wrong, I have watched porn. I understand that someone might like to watch it once in a while. What pisses me off BEYOND repair, is that men watch the stuff they see on porn, and expect to enact it in real life.THIS is the difference between men and women - women understand the difference between REALITY and TELEVISION.

    Let me explain, I have had non-abusive, gentle boyfriends so far, so I don't feel like I have a lot to complain about. however, all of them have watched porn, and even worse, they later want to enact the things they see in porn, in real life. For example, they want to have anal sex just like they see in porn. Or they want to have sex in a weird position and expect me to be thrilled about it, and when I'm not thrilled about it they seem to be surprised.

    Now I am not saying there is something morally wrong with anal sex or with weird positions. however, real sex is NOT LIKE THE MOVIES. When I'm having sex with someone and they expect me to be thrilled when they do something strange, i do not find it funny. It makes me extremely angry and pissed off that anyone actually believes my body is a thing for them to play with without consulting me first. Ladies, there is a difference between having tolerance for someone's secret desires and having tolerance for someone putting their penis in unwanted places or putting your body in an unwanted situation. My ex boyfriend jokingly put his penis near my *(*hole and i kicked him square in the balls. I do not regret it because he was being an idiot. Another one bent me over and did this really weird thing with my legs he had seen in a porn flick and I proceeded to push him off me and take a shower. Sex is about communication and about asking the other person how they feel about doing something, it is not about pushing your fettishes onto them without any regard for their feelings.

    Now, I never ended a relationship with a guy because of his interest in porn or his idiotic actions in the sack. However, I have always made it irrevocably clear that anything they see on a porn site is not something that they can force on me, and if they attempt to do such a thing, they will never be able to win over the wrath of an angry and vengeful woman. I'm kidding about this, (well, let's be honest, I'm not actually kidding). Most guys seem to understand that in the end, we do what we want with our bodies, and that if they have a problem with that they can go take a hike. And any guy that doesn't understand this definitely deserves to go take a hike.

    In any case, even if the relationship does end, in my experience, it's the guy that usually can't deal with it. I once ended a relationship with a guy that was addicted to porn and felt impotent so he couldnt really have sex with a real woman. HE lasted like, two minutes, tops, in bed. He definitely preferred the women in porn to me. I was terribly unsatisfied. Needless to say, our relationship didn't last. And although I feel bad for him and sympathize with his problem, I don't feel so bad that I am willing to sacrifice my entire sex life, my self-esteem, and my love life for someone that doesn't make me feel good or make me feel loved. The truth is that, porn is not like real life for one very important reason. When a woman in porn is unsatisfied, she fakes an orgasm and screams thank you. When a woman in real life is unsatisfied, she will probably leave you. It may be a harsh truth, but it is the same truth we have to deal with as women so it's about time that men dealt with it.

    As for the article's explanation of porn being an outlet for men that are ashamed or humiliated --- really? Because I've been humiliated by my ex-boyfriends' strange porn fettishes far more often than they have been humiliated by mine. It is not our job to resolve a man's childhood "shame" syndrome, that's what the shrink is for. The entire porn industry caters to men, there is no reason we have to do it as well.

    If I end up marrying someone that would rather watch porn than have sex with me I will just get divorced. Lack of sex indicates a lack of love and I have no reason to put up with it. Most men would say the same anyways. Men seem to have an expectation that we will be more forgiving of their flaws that they are of ours. But ask a man if he would put up with a woman that doesn't want to have sex with him and a woman that makes him do humiliating things in the sack. Most men would leave, and so should women.

    If you're not satisfied with your sex life and love life, there is nothing wrong with ending a relationship, it is not the end of the world. I guarantee, that you will be better off without him.

    Granted, I am totally in a very empowered stage of my life right now, but I'm just sending some good vibes of girl power out there for any woman that might be feeling unsure of herself.


    Still seeking a man that understands the difference between reality and television.

  • Jamal

    I'm a guy now 31, I would say I have tried to stop watching porn since I was in my teens. I haven't been totally successful yet, I recently quit smoking and have been able to do that by replacing it with working out. I have read most of the comments and they are almost all from women. I am single and to be honest I haven't had a real serious relationship always some fling or unhealthy dependent relationships. I feel my use of porn has something to do with my disatisfaction with life and I have curiosity in the back of my mind as to why I chose this, what life dynamics in the past have drove me to be so dependant on it. Porn leads to more problems than people realize it drives risky behaviour and a general sense of shame always. I have never felt unashamed after doing it, because I just know its wrong and I can't plead ignorance because I have prayed and read scripture that warns against it. I never had problems attracting women and take care of myself, work out and play sports. When I see how it hurts so many of the women in real relationships and their dilema I am glad I am not in one maybe God has it so that I take care of this before I could even understand how to be in one.

    Now I do it day by day, holding every thought captive and concsiously deciding to do something different. I never was clearly taught right and wrong when it comes to sex growing up and it didn't help my father was full time alcholic and womanizer but I believe there is some underlying issue that has to do with yourself internally, mentally, emotionally as person if you don't get to the root of that and work on resolving it, I think the porn addiction is just a symptom of a larger issue with the addicted person themselves instead of their partners. Its a vicious cylce. So if anyone else struggling with this and is trying to really stop and work out their issues, join in this discussion and comment what you have discovered so far in this journey of self discovery.

  • Anonymous-72

    i am the 63 year old I have since been referred to the professionals and wish I had talked to her more. they say my erection problems could be sorted, but now i have a bigger problem trying to save my marriage of 44 years. i had always been against porn and wish i had not been tempted. the one and only love of my life could be lost forever. i feel so disgusted with myself.

  • sexxyvampress

    I hate pornography. It leads to a disillusioned man thinking his woman is supposed to be perfect and her breast need to stand at attention. It leads to men thinking woman need to shave themselves and start looking like a little girl. It leads to men thinking that a woman saying "ow," or a woman saying "no" doesn't matter, because as long as he ges his pleasure, that is all that matters. Now I am not stating men are out there raping, because of porn if anything, that is the only good thing about porn, is sometimes it does fullfill the stimulated fantasy of beating, raping, or making a woman swallow your cum and her "liking being forced". But at the same time, it also causes some woman to train their brains to accept something that they do not accept, and if a man can't accept having sex with only one woman, than why do many of them get upset if their girlfriend. wife etc says Paul Walker, The Rock...etc is good looking? Why do many of them shift in their chair when their girl had a baby and still looks great, and everybody in the world is telling, not just him but her how lucky he is. He gets upsets starts worrying about the woman realizing she is beautiful and starts checking out other woman. I am not going to lie I am not obviously a porn star, but I look fairly decent, especially for having a child. I have a myspace and a youtube, if you don't believe me, but that truly isnt the point. I had my child and only a week after having her my boyfriend was pushing to having sex. Remind you I just spit a watermelon out, have stitches and am bleeding like a stuck pig and he is trying to get me to have sex. Because he looked at porn once in the passed, after we had the discussion before we got togther, about porn, I gave in. You have no idea how much that felt like I just tore myself wide open again, but like those porn chicks I smiled and acted like it was great and cried in the shower later. I just hated the feeling of betrayel I got that much from porn. I was 7 mths pregnant and found him showing his 15 year old brother a porn website (a 22 yr old man remind you is doing this) I litterally stayed up all night crying so hard, I started dryheaving fell to the floor and sobbed. Cramping started happening and I was rushed to the hospital, because at 27 weeks I was about to pump out the baby. They luckily stopped the labor, but that is an example of how hurt porn made me. I was 6 years old when I was raped, and my brother as well. I was raped up until I was 8 and taken into foster care. I know that the porn world contains graphics that stimulate ones sexual fantasies, but what about those that do count on that stuff no matter the pain they cause, no matter what they told a girl that had a history with an eating disorder said before they got togther, no matter what...these men become selfish, as stated before they forget women are human. You want to say it is the implement that they would do that to a woman if it wasn't their baby momma, What is the excuse when the baby momma makes home videos for you, everyone you know and those you don't says he is lucky. You break your rules and take picture do the sex toys, and etc but it still isnt good enough. Even though this is a girl that gave you her all. I am saying you can't baby these men for their "addictions" "shame" or whatever else. Because I am an addict to love, I want to be with someone that loves me needs me, I have a history of running with he whom I had lined up, and you know what...I cheated on my man 2 weeks after the porn thing. Not to get revenge but because the other person knew me for many years and told me I deserved better and how lucky my man was. I was in the wrong no doubt about it, but searching the net, for a woman to masterbate to, and imagine what you would do to her is the same thing. I didn't cheat for the cause of sex I did it because I though this person may like me more, because my own man knows he hurt me before and did it again. It was devastating. Think about it...Porn leads to: cheating, delusional males/females, the fetishes get worse, children get involved and it belittles the woman...because the man is not only objectifing the one in the video but his wife/baby momma/etc...because it turns into my needs don't matter either. Sorry, but basically I am devestated for the excuses made for people now adays...addict, adhd, depression, bipolar, you may have these things, but right and wrong is in there and if you want to pull out the "I am ill card" everytime something happens than obviously you just can't hand the fire that comes after you light the match. And p.s. yes I told my man, I didn't use my diagnosed, bipolar, manic depression, eating disorder, or self mutilating history as an excuse, because I have grown up and know that no disorder makes you do anything that your heart tells you is wrong. Unless you are selfish (or scyzophrenics get an excuse as well, haha but thats it!!)

  • Jamal

    If I wasn't struggling with porn, I probably wouldn't have found this site, at the same time if I didn't admit and believe this behaviour caused so much harm to the addict and their family there would be no chance of getting better.

    @vampress I am sorry you had to go through what you went through and can't even start to imagine the complications you went through, I was diagnosed as bi-polar but I always know that deep down that it was situational and will never use it as a crutch when it come to my character defect. I am learning as I read more discussions.

    At this time I realize I have other issues to deal with and to the older gentleman that comment earlier, I wish you best of luck on restoring your relationship.

  • Mandi

    I have one question. Why do people, man or woman, think that they deserve both porn and their lover? My boyfriend of 5 years has looked at porn in the past. It devastated a good 2 years of our relationship. When he stopped, he told me things like "why did I ever look at that when I have this right here" when we were making love. I found out 2 weeks ago that he is again watching porn (or never stopped). We only have sex once a week, sometimes 2 weeks, because he says "he can't" anymore often than that. We are both 25 and he blames it on a lack of testosterone. He is buff and works out everyday. I have since realized that I cannot live with this. It has killed my self esteem and thrown me into depression. When I leave the house other men tell me Im beautiful, but when I come home I feel unwanted and undesired. I am sexualy open to anything that would make him happy. When sex actually does happen, it is very quick, unsatisfying, and there is absolutely no passion. I made the decision not to have sex anymore. The only enjoyment I ever got was the closeness of sex I thought I was getting, but afterwards I realized I felt used. Outside of porn he is a good boyfriend, but this has ruined our relationship beyond repair. I don't feel the same feelings that I once had. Everytime I think something positive about him, it is interupted with the thought of his lies. My respect for him is near nothing. I just can't see myself with this man that I once thought was wonderful and an answer to my prayers. I hope my story wil encourage other people to seek help if they watch porn inside of a relationship.

  • Tony

    Clearly the reasons for watching porn and people reactions to it are multifaced. One issue not addressed her is the fact that in many relationships it is most often the male who requests sex and the female either accepts or rejects the request as they wish. This can give the female a sense of sexual power over their partner, possibly even on a subconsious level.

    The watching of porn comprimses this percieved/actual power as it is a competitor.

  • Anonymous-73

    got my sympathy mandi ,

    I check this site out every day now , it has become a way of life for me since I discovered my husband was into porn big time . Not soft porn I might add but hard core stuff like women being raped , incest , animal porn and horror of horrors very young girls between thirteen and fourteen .

    It has torn us apart to the point where we are getting the house ready to sell .You are only 25 and thankfully not married . I am much much older and the thought of starting a new life is very daunting , but I know in my heart , that I will never forgive him for all the heartache he has caused myself and our family .It's because these pathetic excuses for men can't cope with real women and real relationships in their own lives that they delve into these fantasy scenarios of role playing where they can be whoever they want to be . I feel all what you have described, my husband is like a total stranger to me now . Each day is the same we either scream at each other or fight or sometimes completely blank one another . There is no sex no harmony , I am a dithering wreck through it all , and my mental and physical health has deteriorated I wish I could just wave a magic wand and he and his computer could be joined in matrimony once more and be gone forever out of my life .

  • porno hater

    Good subjects here. just this week, i went to work, and had an awful night. I come home, and found my fiance of almost seven years sleeping. i went and rubbed him, kissed him and tried to find some solace and comfort after the night i had. Then i go online, and stupidly i looked at the history. There, i see he started looking at internet sluts as soon as i had walked out the door the prior night. I woke him up screaming and shouting. I said the F word, and started packing my shit up. i packed everything in less than 20 minutes. i could feel my heartbeat raising, i had a big ball on my throat, i was just so mad, that i couldn't care less if he dropped dead. For six long years i've tried to understand why is he into this crap. I am a beautiful latin women, and up to six months ago we were having sex almost every day! We've been thru thick and thin. i was so mad i couldn't see clear. He says he is a man, and will not be bossed around. I said if you are such a big man, well show some control. You cant have every single thing you want. you are not a little spoiled boy, even thou he is behaving like one. Why is a 47 year old men looking at a hardly 19 years old girl, who doesn't even know how to do anything but type with two little fingers, and look cute and stupid. besides, if you are watching the person, but that person doesn't even know that you are watching them makes it a little bit sicker. I freaking hate this sluts that are breaking relationships and marriages. they should be banned . It's been over three days and i am still mad. I don't even want him to get closed to me. I've cried for hours, and feel like a piece of poop on the floor. I mean, if you say you love someone, and will never cheat on them but are willing to go online and search for hours for this little whores your actions are much larger than the words. My stuff is by the door, i just don't want to throw almost seven years away.... in all of the other aspects our relationship is great. He says i have to mature, i think he is the one that needs to mature, because a relationship can't be based just in sex. He'll never change, because he doesn't believe he has to. He doesn't believe he needs to apoligize for his behaviour. I think this is such a selfish and self center attitude, because if i knew that i'm hurting my partner in some way i'd stop doing what ever it is that hurts him. I just don't get it. Still thinking of leaving, he can ask that asian girl to help with the rent, and clean up his freaking mess! I'm still so mad!

  • tc

    I have been suffering in silence for years, I spent three years with a porn addict and it emotionally ruined me. I can completely identify with all the woman feeling like they weren't good enough or couldn't measure up. I developed the idea that we are not good enough unless we look like the objectified woman on tv (who aren't even the natural beauties that you probably all are) most who have been surgically enhanced and airbrushed etc. I had to lose my morals and give in to what I thought I had to do to keep the person I loved, meanwhile after feeling so dirty and used and that I was just an outlet for their real sexual desires. I ended the relationship and stayed alone for six years, convincing myself that I was better off alone than being disrespected and made to feel so worthless, I developed a belief that ALL men were the same, until I found someone who truly was the person I always wanted, caring and loving and making me feel beautiful and loved all the time. Unfortunately, I am so scarred and damaged that I have no trust and sterotype him into the same category as my past relationships. It hurts him because he prides himself on being respectful to woman, and I hate it that I can't trust him to be out of my sight, without thinking he is doing these things behind my back and I know I am pushing him away and dont want to lose him. We also had a great sex life, until these issues started creeping back into my life. Now every time I get these thoughts in my head, I get closed off and put up a wall so I wont get hurt again. And anytime, I think of the possibility of HIM doing these things, I completely lose my sexual desire for him which isn't fair to him at all, because he actually is not doing it and not just saying he isn't.

    For the longest time, I kept it all inside, feeling like it would just make me look like a jealous, insecure person if I would bring up these issues, but then I realized that I deserve to be treated with respect and if a man gets defensive, it's probably his guilt and shame and he pushes it onto you to make you feel like the bad person for invading his privacy or not trusting him.

    It's been quite a few years, and I still suffer with my destroyed self esteem like it was just yesterday that it was happening. I have decided to seek help, because the person I am with now is very worth it and the person I am certain that I want to spend my life with, so instead of doing what I have always done in the past, and just came to my own conclusions that he is being unfaithful to me and pushing him away before he can hurt me, I am reaching out to find out how I can heal my wounds.

    Just reading all these things helps in the fact that it is definately a real issue and that I don't have to accept this behaviour and their idea that it is harmless and every man does it. I am going to seek therapy to put my self esteem back together and realize that I do deserve to be treated with love and respect and that I am who I am and do not have to do things I don't feel comfortable with or have surgury to feel like I am good enough for their standards. There is someone who will love me for who I am.

  • Sam not the Man

    I am a man. I am a husband. I am a father. And you know what? I'm a damn good one. And I look at pornography.

    Now, that you've read do you revile me? Do you question my statements? You do.

    But let's go through some topics:

    -Men are visually stimulated by sex. Women are emotionally driven (usually). This is the reason that there are so many strip clubs across the world. And we all know sex sells. Is it for women usually? No. It's for men. Men are aroused by what they see. And porno fills that desire.

    -It's not about you, it's about him. You need to get over your selfish preconcieved ideas about masturbation. Everyone does it. Just because you close your eyes when you're having that "me time" while you use your vibrator, doesn't mean he will. He wants something to rev him up. And he's used his hand through his whole life. It's not doing him any favors. Would it make you feel better if he was using a blowup doll?

    -It is not 'healthy' to prefer masturbation always, but if sometimes, or even in some situations it is often used, it's not necessarily a bad thing.

    Every man has masturbated a lot. We all do it. Much like the article talked about. Sometimes we want to relieve that problem without expectations. Do you know what it's like to really want sex and have the pressure of being a man? There are so many parts to it. The erection, maintaining it, satisfying her, having to ask her, the fear of rejection, the expectations of your own image..... Sometimes you just want to be with yourself and feel better. And relieve that desire to screw every woman in a two mile radius.

    And like I said, sometimes it's not neccesarily bad if it is 'preffered.' Sometimes the woman has no desire. So the order of the day when he wants sex is masturbation. Sometimes, even when she's feeling randy (which is so rare) he doesn't want it. I'm out of shape and sweat a lot. You know the first thing I think about before my wife and have sex is, 'how much will I sweat this time? Will it turn her off like that one time? Wasn't that fun?'

    And do you know what's worse than that? Being turned down. Not once, not twice, one hundred times.

    -So let's get to shame. Have any of you actually 'caught' him masturbating and actually joined in? Not cried 'oh!!!! ewww!!' but instead walked in maybe coo'd at him. Egged him on? Maybe helped or started doing it with him?

    When I was a kid, we always used to hear, "you'll go blind from doing that." Do you know how that makes you feel? It makes you want to hide all of it.

    It's a perfectly natural thing, and yet you ignore that fact. You look at it as something to be reviled. And you might even say, 'it's perfectly fine if he masturbates but it's the porn!!!!' Really? Aren't you just looking for some excuse to control his orgasm?

    -Porn: Porn is a venue. It's really not bad. Yes, it's not really great if you spend every day after your wife goes to bed, jerking to beastiality scat porn. Or if you're viewing really degrading stuff and constantly achieving orgasm to something your partner has no interest in. Think Pavlov's dog orgasming to triple penetration videos. Eventually you need that. That's bad.

    Yes there is some level of addicition that you have stop from doing. But realize that at that level, it is addiction. It's still the same person you love, but through one of those crazy tricks brain chemistry he has become addicted to something. If you would stay with your partner through treatment of a drug addiction, then you should reconsider your attitude of his porn addiction.

    -Your image of yourself. Stop projecting. Everyday men have to force their way through the haze that is body and cultural expectations. Beer guts are unatractive, body hair is gross. A small penis is not only unwanted but something to be laughed at. Men without muscles are pariahs. Short men can't attract women. Sweating, not being an alpha male, the right clothes, wearing glasses.

    I propose that while women have more pressure in areas of defined society, but the pressure on men is stronger and there is little, to no positive outlet for men (at least acceptable by society.) In other words, the number of pressures for women in society are greater, but the overall pressure for men is comparible if not more, and there are less avenues for outlets.

    Now, in most cases, your man looking at porno is not only less likely to cheat on you, he is probably doing something that is good for you and him. Don't treat it like it's discusting. Treat it like a healthy outlet and maybe express interest if you're not too much of a prude.

    Now, if you begin talking to the poor sap and you find out he's doing it to something that is clearly illegal, sit down and have a heart to heart like you might if you found a stash of herion in his car.

    But if it's not illegal, but outside of your comfort zone, talk to him about it. Maybe at some point, you have to clearly define to him that you won't join in a 8 man gangbang and that you wouldn't watch it with him, you might enjoy watching something a little more tame. Maybe compromise.

    And even then, if he's not doing it more than is healthy then it should be ok. Leave it alone. My defination of healthy would three times he masturbates and the forth time he has a shared orgasm with you, then there is nothing wrong with that.

    Lastly I want to make one last statement. To the women who moan about how their partner can't get it up with them, but are ok whn they're masturbating. I want to say that you should be considerate. Men are not women. You're interested, or something bothers you, and you still are just recieving. If my mind wanders or I get grossed out because maybe you're not looking pretty or maybe I have to fart, well my penis might not be so erect. But masturbation is that ideal. Make sex not totally about his erection. If he goes down on you, or do what ever, you can still have sex. Just because slot A didn't go in recepticle b, doesn't mean you didn't have sex. Sometimes things don't work out. But I am sure, that if you have done all the things I have said in the above that he will start to feel better about himself and he might rely less on the porn and feel more comfortable about sex with you.

    That's all.

  • Anonymous-74

    I don't have to like it. I feel those things the author mentions, feeling ugly, unattractive, undesirable, which has led me to simply not want to be intimate. I've never been against porn, I've watched it before and when my boyfriend and I started dating I knew he watched and we'd use it during foreplay. My feelings now have changed. Not because I think his watching it or masturbating is unhealthy, but an accumulation of things. We've talked about it and his answer is always, "It's because I'm a guy." What kind of lame excuse is that? Where it all went down hill -> One morning, he gets up for work before I do, I jump outta bed and run to the bathroom because I gotta pee and find him naked on the couch with his cock in one hand and laptop in the other. Of course my initial reactions are, "why am I not good enough," "why am I not attractive enough," "why does he have to do this when I'm sleeping in the next room?" What bothered me the most was his doing it in secret - not because he wanted to masturbate in private without expectations, but that he acted so guilty. After, I simple asked him to be honest with me. Well I guess that was too much to ask for. I get it, guys want to masturebate in private, I do too, guys watch porn because they want to get off, okay, guys want to watch their fansties of sluts, uuuuh. I still understand but how about instead of acting like its you right to do it just because you're a GUY, why can't men give a thoughtful answer. I don't want a friggin' poem but how about something you didn't wipe your ass with?

  • Ann

    My boyfriend looks at women on you tube, its usually a boob thing, and i hate it, cos he'd prefer to get his kicks through looking at them and not me, and i've told him before i would be most happy to please him... it hurts knowing he still does it, he calls it a 'comfort' thing which he has always done, and i could understand when he was single but not now he's in relationship, and i'm ready and willing, to relief him without even doing the 'sex' thing, but its something he likes to do by himself ... i see the history of what he's watched, and it makes me angry when i see a fat woman with massive boobs feeling herself... i'm not big and i don't have big boobs, so it makes me feel inadequate, i don't know i'm not against men looking at porn or masturbation, its a way of getting to know our bodies, but when it comes to this level of intimidation in a relationship shouldn't we be open and communicate what we want from each other? i feel its me who does most the 'work' when it comes to sex and sometimes i would like to be wooed, maybe i'm in wrong relationship here, it hurts knowing he does this, i think he needs to grow up and look at what he has before he loses it. really at the end of my tether now.

  • kel

    I think women do understand why men watch porn. We are not cold hearted and trying to ruin our partner's lives. The problem is that relationships are usually built on intimacy and intimacy grows differently for every couple. Some women will be fine with their partner's porn usage and others will find it counter productive to the deveopment of intimacy in their relationship. I do not believe I have any right to deny my partner from watching porn. If he wants to do that he can - it is his choice to do so. Likewise, my partner does not have any right to deny my natural response to his porn usage. There is quite a bit written with the intent to make women understand and try to accomodate porn in their relationship. I do not agree with this as I believe it is trying to coerce women away from their natural instincts.

    If your man loves his special time alone and you find it compromises your relationship - it may be time to leave. This way you are respecting his choices but at the same time honoring yourself. It is NOT healthy to go against your inner convictions. It IS okay to remove yourself from situations that devalue you.

    I do not think men choose to devalue their partners through porn usage, but for some women this is their experience. These women should not be encouraged to tough it out, understand the inner workings of their partner and accept or embrace porn with their partner for the sake of their relationship. They should be encouraged to listen to and accept their own feelings about porn and if necessary walk away.

    I do think for some women it is a reason to end a relationship. A woman understanding about 'why' her husband drinks alot only helps so far. If it is against her inner convictions she should not be made to feel as though she is unsupportive if she disagrees with his choices. Give him freedom to choose to participate in porn or not. But give yourself (women) the freedom to find happiness elsewhere.

  • Anonymous-75

    My man and I have been together for 12 years. We have a 3 year old who we're both besotted with. We're happy in terms of the life we have together, we're constantly making each other laugh, and we're very affectionate with each other. When we have sex its really really good. But we don't have sex very often - I mean it tends to be once every 2 or 3 months, sometimes much less frequent. This isn't my choice, its his. I always put it down to the fact that he smokes, drinks a fair bit (not enough to be worried about I might add, just the normal amount for a British male), and we don't get as much sleep as we'd like. So generally a low libido.

    But today I accidently found some pictures on the computer that he'd been looking up last night of women with big bottoms showing their vaginas. It made me feel sick with anger and feeling totally disrespected. Then I thought about it some more and realised that I'd have been much more angry if the images were of perfect or airbrushed women. I'm a big bottomed girl myself, and the women weren't that attractive in the face.

    I also wasn't that shocked coz I kind of guessed that he was doing that every now and then - call it a hunch. I just chose to ignore it. Now I've seen it, I can't ignore it. I feel so depressed that he clearly has the libido and desire - yet I frequently offer sex to him and he says he's too tired.

    I read Dr Schwartz's article and it really helped stop me from flying off the handle at him. He did have a couple of moments about 5 years ago when he struggled to keep his erection, and the frequency of our sexual moments dropped after that. It fits that he started looking at stuff online around that time.

    So now I understand. I still feel hurt and unwanted - sexually. But not in any other way. So what do I do? Do I talk to him about it when its something that he probably feels ashamed of? Or do I let him do what he wants but secretly feel hurt and unwanted - which is bound to turn our relationship bad in the end.

    Advice from blogs I've been reading say "if you don't like it, leave him". But its not that straight forward. I love him. He loves me - i don't doubt that by the way. He's a great partner and amazing daddy. I'm just not sure how to handle this in a way that doesn't cause issues for him, and deals with the issues that I'm facing.

    I really don't know what to do.

  • Anonymous-76

    i cant deal with this stuff anymore. men and dealing with porn. its friday at 6. i found some stuff i wasn't happy about. men make it convent for themselves. they can talk themselves out of any argument. its totally natural. how would men like it if the roles were reversed?? women watching porn most of the time and men not. women watching men with better bodies and larger well you knows.. im too nice to fight with my boyfriend. or even discuss it because lets be serious that all ends in fights. ive been drinking for 5 hrs. one day this issue will be the death of me. every time i get close to someone i can't deal with this. i rather not exist in this sick twisted world. and just so you know im a highly attractive doctor.. i know how men think.. probably some poor unattractive girl.. quite the opposite. and im not a bimbo im highly educated.

    jerk off to that.

  • karen

    It has been only 3 days, and I am still devistated. Found my husband on the porno internet, and he said he told me the truth. 9 years or more looking at this. I don't think I can go on with the marriage. I have values, and will not change them. I believe that he will not be able to stop this even if he said he will. It has been going on to long. I don't understand why he has to masterbate while watching this filth. Have three grown children and wondering if I should tell them. Just a mess, and don't know where to go from here.

  • Anonymous-77

    Just because your a man doesn't justify that it's ok to watch porn! If your going to go behind your g/f, wife or fiancees back then you have a huge problem! If there's not an open line of communication with your loved one then you shouldn't even be in that relationship!!! I just told my fiancee to get the Fuck out because he got caught watching porn that said "fuck my wife please" and amateur teen move shit! Now who the fuck does that to their soon to be wife! He doesn't understand that i just had a bady 10 months ago and am in pain still! What is his problem! I even gave him head which i really don't like doing! Because I felt bad that I couldn't please him otherwise! What a jerk though because how do you think I felt! I use to love sex and now after I had my sweet little angel, my sex is so freakin painfull! So tell me why did he do this! Or should I give him another chance? Or how is he suppose to build my trust for him again because he always asks me and I tell him I have no idea! Maybe first of all stop lying to me!

  • Lucille

    My husband had always had a bit of a thing for harder core porn, but could only indulge in a certain amount until the Internet. In 2004, after several family crises and illnesses, I think he really started getting into it seriously as a sort of escape.

    It embarassed me when our teenage children found him sitting naked at the computer but I still thought it was just a foible - otherwise he was a warm, kind man, my best friend, marvellous husband and father who couldn't do enough around the house for all of us.

    However, when he retired in 2005 it got worse and by 2009 he was looking at violent porn - and I had a feeling he may have been searching for worse. He's never had paedophilic tendencies (we were married for 30 years) and I have zero proof but I just don't know.

    When I finally asked him to give it up, he stopped using his laptop and then bought a Blackberry "for email" but passworded it. Yeah, right. Just before Christmas last year he left me for a foreign woman he'd known for 7 weeks and moved abroad - I haven't seen him since and my adult children are estranged too. The poor woman involved was told a lot of stories (I read his email until he changed his password) so he has abused her as much as he abused me. Had I known that porn was far more serious than the old days of a Penthouse magazine, I would have tackled this far sooner. Don't know if it would have helped though. The grief, horror and anguish of our family has known no bounds this year, and I think it's because porn teaches men to hate women.

  • lilly

    first of all i would like to say i didnt read this whole thing...i got to the part as to y men watch porn and it said shame...

    if a man is with a woman who does not want him watching porn and he still does it IS because he is selfish and puts his own needs ahead of hers...

    if she is fine with problems

  • Anonymous-78

    So tell me why in the world would a newly engaged man be involved in porn?? Mind you I am the best thing that ever happpened to him,blah blah blah!! Bunch of bs.. I have "stumbled" upon him and porn this makes 3 times..If i have told him over and over not to do this and how this makes me feel why would he keep doing it right?? I have come to a cross road and dont know which way to go?? He claims he looks at it because he wants to be "ready" for his girl??? hmm ever hear of foreplay?? I dont know what to do or how to feel...I am totally crushed over his decision to continue on with this porn crap....there is nothing good about porn...NOTHING!! SO CONFUSED..??????

  • Anonymous-79

    I am a 24 year old woman, married for two years. I found out three days ago that my husband looks at porn about once a week... Nothing too hard core... just expected things. Naked women and some videos. I am heart broken... but I have come to realize and am trying to realize that its not about me at all. I am what people call "beautiful" (I am not trying to toot my own horn here, at all)... and so my first reaction was "what a waste of me". But in the pain, if you can put yourself in his shoes... if you were to look at a porn film and get aroused, would that have anything to do with what your wife or girlfriend looks like? No. Its about that they are addicted to the secret moment... and when they are done. They feel horrible about themselves. Another thing to remember, is a lot of the time these addictions started before we were in the picture. My husband has been looking since he hit puberty... with a few long breaks when he tried to stop. So its not about us not satisfying them... its about the addiction. The urge. Not stopping themselves. Its painful... but we can get through it. Do you love your man? Does he love you enough to get some help and talk with you? You can make it too. :)

  • Jim

    Looking at Pornography is wrong, sure as kids hitting puberty we were all curious, but there comes a point when your stomach flips over and you say, "this is not me" it makes you feel sick and you start to feel bad for most of the girls you know who are either addicted to drugs or forced into it. The ones you see who aren't well, no man wants a girl who would do this stuff with just anybody and that's what these girls do.

    Oh, I know the excuses, now my wife is a mother and I can't think of her in that way. Suure! I'm not having enough sex, OK well, if your married you need to discuss that with your wife, don't you think? Fantasy's, well sure we all have them and if your partner is unwilling or you can't bring yourself to tell her about them, then maybe you either need to communicate, or just maybe imagine some stuff in your head or leave? If they are really sick fantasy's, then buddy you need help.

    This stuff hurts most women very deeply, their self esteem is shattered, body image ruined and they feel like they are to blame..when you look at images of people other then your spouse, being aroused by it, even if you are doing this together, you are bringing other people into the marriage, into your bed room, they are who you are thinking about you then are only usng your spouses body to carry out the full act to completion..

    Do I want my wife looking at porn? Noooo way! If she looks at those guys, becomes excited by those guys, then guess what? That's what she wants..and when she s doing that, it isn't you she wants. Interesting when you look at it that way huh? well that's what the woman feels..and she's right. When you do that and are looking at other women or whatever, I'm afraid that's who and what you want right then and not your wife..

    Ok so, looking at porn more often than not leads to more, first maybe harder and harder porn then maybe chatting on the net, then on the phone, then finding a woman willing to do those things for whatever reason, money, the thrill, looking to get out of the relationship she's in or maybe that's just what she's into..

    More often than not it's not about caring about each other, it's about the sex acts..

    Then this adiction fuels a lot of illegal, harmful and dangerous behavior. It also takes time and in some cases money away from the family.

    Really though, If it hurts the girl you love, why are you doing it?

    You're gonna lose her

  • Lost and Torn....

    I'm not a fan of porn and I wish it didn't exist... It gives women a fake standard of what is sexy and it's always the same usual barbie doll look. I told my boyfriend right from the start that I did not like him looking at porn it made me feel uncomfortable, unattractive and unwanted. I am not ugly, I am very attractive and I have a nice body. I love sex with my boyfriend and I don't mind fulfilling his fantasies. After a year of being with my boyfriend I found out he never stopped looking at porn. So we talked and he said he didn't know it made me that uncomfortable and that he would stop. I sent him pictures instead, I did whatever he wanted to please him. After 2 years I found out he STILL looked at porn..... I just don't get it. There is no need for it. I don't NEED to look at other men. I don't think about sleeping with other men. How can i be okay with him fantisizing about sleeping with other women? I consider that cheating. If he needs to fantisize about other women then maybe he isn't ready to be in a relationship....or maybe he should be with someone else. But then I have people telling me it's normal for guys to look at porn and i shouldn't care so much. But I do care... there is nothing I can do to change the way i feel. And he lied to me and could not respect my choices. I don't know if I should break it off... he says he will try harder to not look at it anymore because he doesn't want to lose me. I don't know if this is a lie or if he means it. He has already "tried" to stop before. I don't understand how skinny I have to be or If i need to have huge breasts for him to not want to look at porn. I don't know if he can or will actually stop. I don't know if this should be a deal breaker or not by this point. I hate feeling like i need to work out 24/7 and need to be fake like those girls to be attractive. I usually feel confident and sexy but then when I think about him watching porn I feel so inadequate. Men don't need porn so why do they become so addicted to it and how has it become so normal for men these days to watch it?

  • Anonymous-80

    At last , we have a sensitive man , a truthful man who says it as it is , without any excuses for doing what they have done . I assume Jim that you have viewed porn , but you never said if this has had an impact on your marriage .My marriage is in complete breakdown now , through my husband and porn . I never want to hear the word again , I have lost everything , my home , my lifestyle and my husband of 44 yrs . thank you for your honest input your wife is a very lucky lady .

  • Anonymous-81

    WOMEN LOOK AT PORN TOO. Not only that, but there are way more now because it's so easy to acquire. I love porn, and I am a straight female who has never been in a long term relationship with a man. My issues with porn have never ever been with any partner of mine watching porn, it's just been with ME watching it. I would feel weird being with a man who didn't watch porn. Besides porn is just a visual depiction of SEX, a simple act, and there are all kinds of porn out there, gay, straight, kinky, romantic and otherwise.

    I'm also a filmmaker, and I make erotic art of my own. Clearly this article is attracting only those women who are in the situation described in it, but let me tell you, all of this is totally biased.

    Where are the couples who watch porn together to get in the mood? There are many. Here's the flip side - emotional porn. What is emotional porn? It comes in the guise of Hollywood romance movies that side step the straight up nuts and bolts of sex. Sex is not love, and women need to realize that so they can get over their brainwashed notions of male sexuality. That notion is that they OWN the entire sexuality of their male partner, they not only own their sexual behaviour, but they want to own their sexual fantasies as well. Come on already. Read a book about how human sexuality really works from an anthropological point of view and quit watching your chick flicks and reading romance novels. Emotional porn like that wrecks relationships from the other side.

    I am SO SICK of hearing this crap from women. Get over yourselves already.

  • Hassan ALI

    i always watched porn films, because when go my home and eat a good vitamins foods, i want to make with my wife a sexualy intercouse so, she do not play me well, and finaly i feel dismoral, i asked my self a several question, why she is not playing me just how to playing her, some time i thing she is sick and do not need sexy.

    after all that i start up my computer and watch the pornography site,

    but, if i get a proffesional women i stop the watching of pornography films.


  • J W

    How do people such as Hassan ALI get directed to the forums. Maybe they are men in disguise.

    My husband has been into porn all 38 years of our marriage. He is 57. This makes me sick... The other morning I got up at 6:00 AM and there he was masturbation to hard core porn. I have caught him several times before in the past...

    OK here's the problem.. 4 years ago he started getting out of bed at around 3:00 AM and going down stairs. He said he had to use the bathroom and couldn't sleep so he would finish sleeping on the couch. Needless to say this all coincided with his getting his own laptop.. Every time I got up early such as 4:00 or 5:00 and came down stairs he was masturbation with the scank women on the computer. I have always asked him why don't you come back to bed after you go to the bathroom and the answer was he needed the TV on to go back to sleep and didn't want to wake me by turning the TV back on.

    This time I grabbed his computer and looked through the history and found he looks at many different sights. This is hours of looking. I just don't understand it.. My fear is he is having live sex with women but he denies that. I don't believe him. Also I would like to know if he visits the same women to masturbate to every time.. This is like cheating. I looked at the porn and could not see what was getting him so excited. How could looking at a vagina and all this gross sex make him masturbate. It make me want to vomit!!! It is not pretty or sensual in any way. Doesn't he understand these women may be drugged or sex slaves or minors.

    I know he does this often He admitted to 3x a week. So that means it is more. He never has a history log. I am unable to get into it from internet options content either. He erases everything. All I know is when there is no history I know he has been visiting these sights.

    I feel all the same hurtful feelings the most of these women feel.. Well I couldn't take it anymore... We were arguing about the masturbation to the hard core porn and I had the "last straw". There was a hammer on the table and I picked it up and smashed the computer hitting it at least 20 times.. He was mad that I broke a $700. computer but I didn't care. He said are you satisfied now? and I said Yes.. Well guess what I don't let him use my computer. I lock it up at night..

    I don't know how this is going to work out since he need a computer. One thing is he doesn't tell our kids how crazy their mother is..(She broke the computer)..They may ask him WHY. I left town on Sunday and didn't come home until Monday. I had to tell the (adult) kids (30-37) I was going out of town because I was mad at their dad. They asked why and I said ask their dad.. One thing about this masturbation is there is know one you can talk about it to.. You can't tell family or your best friends. I am hoping this form will help me feel better.

    I told him if he wanted to masturbate to go into the bathroom and do it without hard core porn. But he needs the hard core porn. It's the hard core porn that is so offensive to me and my marriage. Men have masturbated for years without the internet. This I would find far less of a threat to me.

    He is also the reason we get so much xxx rated junk email. I have my own email account and I have never had any xxx rated junk email.

    My dilemma is what do I do with the rest of my life.. It's hard to have loving feelings when this Porn has taken over his life and my thoughts. Every time I look at him all I can see is the masturbation to porn. It hurts and these visions have been going on for years. Would I be better with him or without him? He assures me that he loves only me and the porn means nothing....How can that possibly be true when porn is on his mind more than I am. If it was so right and normal then why do I feel so bad.

    I am sorry I am rambling but this is eating a hole in my heart.

  • Anonymous-82

    just a comment about that some comment said the guy is tired in the evening but still watches porn. It may still be true that he is tired in the evening. I also think that its better off without the porn but its not so easy to resist. I also think that you wmen should not compare or think about how you look, I think its more the secret thing. Take it easy if the guy is trying hard not to watch.

  • Anonymous-83

    First of all, excuse my grammer, im used to txting. ok, ive been with my boyfriend for amost 2 years, he has always been open about porn in his past because he was a meth addict and you become hyper sexual. he has said recently that he isnt into it anymore. well, we have sex about once every week and a half. for me, that is not much considering we live together now. He is tired or full or low testoterone, but yet he can jack off, and recently i just found his porn stash (dvd's). I know he has issues from his past, but im debating if thats my poblem. men writers i appreciate ur explanations. women writers, we all feel the same and are just trying to understand.

  • Anonymous-84

    i'm so relieved to find so many women to struggle with the same same porn situation. at least i know i'm not alone..second thoughts-is there any hope for us?seems like all men are into porn.i just discovered that my partner of 7 years and now also father of our beautiful 3 month old baby girl had obviously chosen these ugly, disgusting sluts over us. i have exactly same feelings as the"porn hater".i've screamed and cried so much that by the end of the day i've lost my are unreal, is there anything precious for them?!he was well aware if i ever find evidence of that type, i'll call it quits, and i have, it was a war.for me this is classed as cheating.yet i'm not sure, i love him, but he does not seem to be bothered by my decision. the only bigger issue for me is, i really don't want to be a single mum and have my daughter to grow up without dad. i have already done it before, it's not fun and he was like a dad to my now 14 year old daughter.makes me even more mad that i had to be nearly whole year without sex, not being my choice, but he seemed of having enough interest towards those nasty whores.i just don't think i can trust him again and i feel like every time he would talk or look at other woman, he's secretly fantasising of undressing and fucking them. i love big and am very sexual and loving and on same token need it back as much as i give it. as i understand, it's nearly 90% or more likely that if i have another man in my life, it'll end the same. i'm just hopeless romantic, but don't think i could go through with another heart ache.does this mean i'd have to live alone rest of my life or just have long distance flings?i'm only 37 and really just desire to be loved and in a happy relationship. how can you tell if man is likely to be into porn before you get serious with them??as we all know they flower things up to start with and create this perfect picture of themselves. funnily one of the websites he visited was called dumb and horny. ahhh, feels great to tell someone my story

  • Mary

    dumb and horny, you have my heartfelt sympathy, I know how you are feeling. My husband had quite a collection of porn magazines before we were married, and out of curiosity I used to look at them too but he insisted on throwing them out.

    He was adamant he wasn't going to look at porn again.

    I certainly didn't make him agree to this, porn just wasn't an issue for me at all back then, mainly I think because he was quite open about it and we didn’t live together and so only used it for masturbation when I wasn‘t around.

    Well after about 24 years of marriage I stumbled across a stack of porn mags hidden in the garage. I have no idea how long he had been looking at porn again, maybe most of our marriage. It was the secrecy or it that bothered me most, the fact it had to be hidden from me.

    Although I felt all the horrible feelings most other women feel about it, I told him I wouldn't mind if he carried on looking at it, but without hiding the stuff from me.

    He was adamant he wasn't going to look at porn again.

    I think half the excitement for men looking at porn is the secrecy, doing something a bit naughty. If there's not much sexual energy left over for his poor partner then tough, she has no idea why he isn't very enthusiastic, but why should he care, he's got all the pu**y he needs.

    Well here we are 9 years later and I've found out he has been looking at it again. First he said he had only just started a month or so ago, but after further questioning he then said it was for the past year, so probably it has been for much longer than that. I don't believe him, I don't trust him any more, and sadly never will again. If he lies about that what else does he lie about? I have been to hell and back wondering what I did wrong, was it because I was so unattractive (I even considered a boob job)? He tells me I did nothing wrong. He says he loves me, and I think he does in his way, but this is certainly not the fairy tale marriage of my dreams all those years ago.

    He is adamant he isn't going to look at porn again. (Sure!)

    Like most of the other women who have posted here, I also love sex, so I haven't been rejecting him before I am accused of it and I haven't "let my self go". I don't think frigid women would feel the need to post here anyway.

    Apart from sympathising with all you other ladies, I also wanted to warn all the young girls who have porn loving boyfriends and are thinking about a permanent relationship with him. If he looks at porn now it may not bother you too much, but in a few years when you have children and are in the middle of trying to cope with children, work, washing his dirty underpants etc. and then accidentally stumble across your his very secret porn addiction it is like a kick in the stomach so make sure you are prepared, that is if you still want to go ahead have a relationship with him. Think very carefully before committing yourself.

    (A man's point of view - Jim - Sep 16th 2010 - what a wonderful man you are, I hope there are lots more men who think like you do.)

  • Ron

    Sex is a very normal part of life...

    Men look at porn because men are biologically inclined to producing billions of sperm and ejaculating tens of thousands of time throughout their life. They always prefer to have a partner--especially an attractive one-- but a partner isn't always available/willing...

    All of these women are control freaks. If you want your dude to stop looking at so much porn, then 1)start hooking up with him more 2) take better care of yourself (lose weight/bathe and shave your body hair) so that you're more attractive 3) do more fun things (don't be such a downer about oral sex). It's simple. If you'd rather let your self go, shower twice a week, and continue to be repulsed by anything but baby-making-missionary-sex one a week, then you should at least allow the guy to cum when we wants too...

  • Darc

    I hate this issue in my life. It seems that men just have a desire to cheat. In our society it is wrong to commit adultery, but somehow the use of pornography is sanctioned and accepted as normal. It is not considered adultery, at least by men. Women feel differently about it. It is just about walking the line - it's as close to having an affair as they can get without actually doing it. My husband and I have been fighting about this issue for the past 3 years. There doesn't seem to be a resolution. No matter what I do or say, he will continue to have a private sexual life that doesn't involve me. And, you know what? The longer he keeps doing it, the less I care if I ever have sex with him again! It makes me sick! I think this is what men who are not capable of a real relationship do. According to statistics, that would be most men. Recently, I found a website that calls itself the "anti-relationship" promoter. They actually have a section that allows a viewer to "upgrade" their girlfriend. So, don't tell us you all are not "comparing" us to them! Stop the dishonesty!! How can you have self respect, and how can we have respect for you if you continue to lie? Further, how can we have respect for ourselves if we continue to stay?? That is the big one for me!

  • Mary

    Ron, Just for the record:
    I am not a control freak.

    1. I'm nearly always ready to "hook up"

    2. I am 5ft 8ins tall, 126 lbs in weight and my measurements are 36ins bust 24ins waist and 37ins hips. I take a bath at least every day. I shave my legs and underarms regularly (but draw the line at shaving my pubic hair and he doesn't want me to).

    3. I enjoy oral sex, 69, anal sex, me on top, doggy fashion and more..

    I have shown my husband my post of yesterday because I wanted him to understand how I feel. I am also trying very hard to understand his need to secretly look at porn. Your comments are not helpful, I have just shown them to him, he wasn't amused to put it mildly.

  • whatever

    Would I leave my lover if he had a drug addiction? Yes I would. I really don't care how selfish you think I am. I love myself too much to be caught up into somebodies issues. If he had any type of problem, then man-up and find someone to talk to. about. I would help if he only manned-up. Why do you men justify this bad behavior? I am not saying masterbating is bad, no. Porn, yes. Porn is degrading. Why do you men feel like degrading us so bad? Are you guys mad because now you can not control us any more. That we have rights? It's time to evolve into a more evolved human being. Women are there, get out of your ape suits and join us already. DO NOT GIVE ME THAT I PRODUCE LOTS OF SPERM AND I AM A GUY......YEAH YEAH...WHATEVER. I am a women and your point is? Really! Ladies....hear me out. He wants to watch porn? Why don't we all pull together here and make a video just for him. Bag some guy, video record it, and say here honey, I got a gift for you. If porn does not bother him, then I am sure he won't mind you getting attention elsewhere. It's all good, since of course, all men have needs and you are just simply satisfying one. Right? You are sharing it with him. And at least your not hiding it. Oh to the out of the shape guy who posted, she probably caught you watching porn, got turned off, then that is it. You ruined it by porn, not by sweating. I love a man who sweats. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and giving yourself excuses to act like an animal. MAN-UP!

  • Darc

    Come on guys, the truth is we all have a limited amount of sexual energy. No matter how much prowess you think you may have. That is the truth. We all make choices about how that energy will be spent. When one chooses to spend it looking at porn and jerking off, that is energy that is taken away from your primary relationship. So, if you make that choice, then one would conclude it's more important for you to sit looking at these disgusting images, and videos, than to focus it on your relationship.Why did you get married? Why did you choose a primary partner?

    Men are visual creatures? I have looked at the images of women my husband looks at. (Not by choice, they have popped up on the computer while I was doing other things.) I see how they are dressed, I see how they act. But, when I dress provacatively, he can't handle it. He can't get a hard on. It was a very long time after we became intimate that he could allow me to perform oral sex. Because, in his mind that is what a slut does. Men have their sluts and they have their wives. Wives are the ones that keep the house clean, raise the kids, plan for, shop for, and prepare the food. All of this on top of the full time jobs we hold to help support our households financially. Recently, I went out to shop for food, and came home unexpectedly to find him closing out windows on the computer. Hmmmmm, wonder what he was doing? I KNOW what he was doing! But, he lies about it!

    He has the computer set on permanent private browsing. He agreed to change that. But i know he will simply delete any porn pages he visits from the history. It's a no win situation for me.

    I try to not internalize it. But I do take it personally. It is a very personal issue!! That's why we women sit in pain with it. There is no one to talk to. Recently, I spoke to my sister about it. Big mistake! Now things are strange between us, she thinks I am degrading myself, and that affects how much she respects me.

    I am not a prude - probably have been more sexually adventurous than most men I know. I try to spice things up, he can't get it up! He tells me I have a problem!! I don't have a problem. HE HAS A PROBLEM! I try not to touch the handkerchiefs or paper towels he leaves lying around at the computer. EWWWW!!!!

    Thanks Jim, for your honesty and candor!!

  • Anonymous-85

    I found out my husband was looking at porn on the computer a year ago, I had I fit. He promised me he would never look at it again on the computer, and I believe him. Well he wasnt looking it on the computer, I would check when he would walk away from it from time to time. Two weeks ago I found out he was watching soft porn on the T.V., yes I was hurt again. At first he was very angry with me because as he said checking what he was doing behind his back. We had a few fights in the last couple weeks about it. Then Monday night he said honey I'm really sorry I've hurt you so badly, I just want to understand I said. He said mostly out of being bored, there are a couple days a week he gets out of work before me. We talked about it for 3 hours. I told him IF he had to watch it I would rather have him watch it on the T.V. then on the computer, why because it's not as bad. I also told him to be honest & don't hide it from me, & that it will still hurt me, he said he wouldn't hide it from me. I have talked to two of my very close male friends about it and they both said DO NOT take it personal, it's kinda hard not to. So I guess my point is, to me as long as he doesn't hide it and talks to me about it I think it will be easier for me to deal with, not liking it tho. Yes we have a very active sex life he tells me all the time how much he loves my body & that I please him very much in that way and this was before the porn I found out about. So I guess if he needs to see that I will have to deal with it, I would rather have him do that then run around on me. I know men LOVE boobs and has to see them all the time.

  • Anonymous-86

    Oh Ron ! How fickle and illusory you are .

    It's not about having control over men , men should be mature enough to handle an urge .

    It's about having choices in life , and men who view porn choose to be solitary , not controlled . I assume you are either a bachelor , or divorced , with a belly the size of the millenium dome , otherwise if you were in a normal loving relationship , you wouldn't have to abuse yourself .

    Men are never satisfied , they always want what the other guy has , or frightened of missing out on something .

    I am usually unassuming but I can visualise ( oh yes we ladies can visualise too you know ) you sat at your computer screen with a pint of beer . Instead of fantasising go get yourself a real woman , and top it off with a cold shower . A man's man eh!

    Don't believe you are in an elite sect , because real men who have a modicum of respect for themselves or their wives don't frequent porn sites .

  • Anonymous-86

    is there no one out there with a story of ending the porn addiction, and making a go of their marrage. Every one seems to go back to watching porn, is their anyone out there with a happy ending. (ps not been on a porn site for 3 years, wife not convinced I won't go back to it).

  • whatever

    See, I wonder where someone got the assumption women were born blind and we do not get turned on visually. I am a very visual person for a women. Men, it seems, when they get into a relationship, all they want is a mommy figure to take care of them. Cause if it was for love, then they would act like they do love you. My boyfriend tells me to give men the benefit of the doubt, I said never until I see proof of self control. If the woman in the relationship had no self control and slept with everyone in sight, we would be consider a whore/slut. That would be no good for any man. I just sit there and think to myself how men are just a bunch of hypocritical momma boys. They have to have an excuse for evrything they do, because manning up is to hard for the them. Because manning up would actually be doing some work and taking responsibilty for your own actions and admitting when you are in the wrong. No. That would be to hard, so it is so easy to just blame someone else and continue to become addicted: to hide from reality. Men who complain they work all day to support your family. Take a good hard look at your girl. She is probably taking more of a load on than you. You just don't want to come to terms that your manhood is just a simple weakling. Then you choose to make her feel like crap by watching this crap on a daily bases. Well, you need something to put her down. Right? After all when she is doing more than you in the relationship, She is out-manning you. So, you do this to bring her down. Because making her feel like good about herself is just way to hard for you to do. Sounds like penis envy, but shes without the penis but wearing a strap on and it's bigger than yours. I think from birth, men should have counseling.

  • Anonymous-87

    What's most annoying and incomprehensible is his insistence that sex is supposed to be something wonderful and sacred and special between us. How the hell am I supposed to believe that when he routinely jacks off to poor schmuck teenage girls in the process of ruining their lives on the internet getting screwed before having to watch the guy screw someone else?

    Yeah. Sure I'm going to believe it's "special" to you.

  • Darc

    Sometimes we just have to sit back and wait for things to get worse before they get better. My husband just told me he was "spoken to" by a woman in the office where he is an unpaid intern. He crashed the computer a couple of weeks ago, and it had to be sent out for repair. After it was returned, the office manager questioned him about whether he was doing anything "personal" before it crashed. Things are not necessarily going to get better. But, it feels good that another woman out there has called him on his crap. He says he just had several windows open at the same time. Yea,.....sure!!! I bet! I don't believe he was spoken to in such an inquisitive manner because he was checking his email! There must have been some evidence of inappropriate behavior. Ahh, he does not have the administrative password to that computer! He can't delete his history there. Of course, he will deny any wrong on his part. He just had too many "windows" open at once. I am wondering why he even told me this? I take some kind of solace in it. But, what was he really telling me? He works in an office mostly of women. How will they feel working with him if they think, or know, he has been looking at porn there? You see guys, most women are uncomfortable with this issue. You can ruin your marriage, and damage your career. Get a grip!

  • Anonymous-88

    It would be a good day for me if I could get up and not have to think about porn , my husband is heavily into it .

    At the end of the day we ladies can rise above all this porn stuff , if we sleep with dogs we can expect to catch fleas .These men bring these sluts and whores into our lives , and they infest the marriage . We have more respect for ourselves and our bodies are sacrosanct , not to be violated . Lets fast forward to the time when these whores have children (if the diseases don't get to them first ) that is and their children start to ask questions . Mummy what did you do when you were young ? gulp ! Oh I allowed men to shower my face with their sperm and put their phallus ( a dick to all you guys out there )into all my orifices ( holes guys ) . Yeah they are going to be real proud .

    so yes ladies we are above all that , aren't we? Don't be downgraded . I am proud of the fact that I would never allow myself to be used in such a disgusting way .

  • Lisa

    thank god for this forum! i have recently found my husband watchibg porn when i'm in bed and havent confronted him yet as not sure what to say. i am not concerned he is visually looking at things, as i am an understanding person, however I am more concerned that he will get into more hardcore porn as the soft porn or looking at boobs doesn't satisfy him anymore. I also bleieved some of the sites (like watching drunk women) are just so degrading to women and men just don't seem to care. I have two daughters and three sons firstly want my husband be a good role model (hi dad hated women) and value women. For me it is about the women who star in these film, some but not all are desperate for money, drugs, drunk or drugged, underage have been sexually abused (so they can switch off) and it it more that the men don't care about this but more about their penises (me got off in the good old days with a penthouse and porn movies (and the bad ones were illegal) the net is a whole new ball game. I am like many of you a nice decent wife, good mother, good lover and I feel for myself, my husband, my daughters and my fellow women! To the man who says "get over ourselves it is normal..... I say to him it starts off that way so be a MAN and help protect vulnarable women

  • Anonymous-89

    Thank goodness i found this sight today otherwise i might have gone mad !

    Ive been in a beautiful loving caring relationship with a wonderful guy for just over 2 years .

    He moved in with me 3 months ago and its all been so good ..........until i saw him trying to hide something from me on the computer....questioned him , he said " it wasn't very nice " and we left it at that . But i couldn't rest and have spent the last few weeks trying to catch him out ............i went with my gut feeling and i was right !

    He had been on several porn sights, mostly looking at young (18 ) yearold girls , the usual stuff, shavn vaginas etc ..

    I am 52 , 6 years older than him , ive been married , he has never even had a relationship up until now .

    He has an erection problem for which he has never sought help, we have never had penetrative sex, I didn't mind because we've found other ways to enjoy our se life and it has been good .

    I knew he had looked at porn before but he always seemed to go shy on me if i suggested we watched it together.

    I am totally and utterly confuse , hurt and angry and i don't know what to do . I love him but right now i dislike him so much i don't want him anywhere near me

    His answer to all this was , that he's always looke at this stuff and its curiosity (same as his reason ffor becoming a naturist !! ) Yeah right !!!!!!

    What he can't understand is my hurt and pain and he says i'm over re-acting and he only looks at the stuff now and again !!

    My trust has gone , i feel like i've been cheated on , and with very young girls ....i don't know what to do . He's promised to stop looking at porn, i said how dare you make a promise that you know you will break ? !

    What to do next i just do not know. I thought i had the near perfect man ......ha ha ha !

    I have to admit i am a very insecure , emotional and often jealous person but this time with reason i do believe .

  • Anonymous-90

    The first year we were together I freaked out about the porn thing, we talked about it and now i just ignore it. I was cleaning the bathroom and found porn, he looks at porn while i'm sleeping in the same room in the morning now.. it's really gotten out of hand because I feel like he's sexually neglecting me for the porn.

    I think the problem is the more he looks at porn the less I want him to touch me, especially because when he does want to have sex with me he completely skips foreplay. He says things like, "i'm hard." or "sexy time."

    Porn is causing an issue in our relationship and he doesn't realize it. He doesn't realize I know about it, other than throwing out a magazine here and there. I really don't want him to touch me anymore because I feel disrespected.

  • ADMiRe?

    i am 23..i dont quite completely understand what porn is really ...but i must admit i do watch sensual..stimulating videos.I usually and that means 95% of the times i do watch it..i tend to watch hollywood love making scenes..i mean im talking about for example lets say a sharon stone video i only watch it while its sensual..theres kissing...theres slow undressing..a hand runnig up her leg..but no further...hands enveloping her ''but thats it..when it finally does come to the sex scene..and im talknig about the vigorous actions..i shut it..i have never been able to watch it.. ijust cant seems just strange to go further..ive never known why?..i am a big fan of the claire forlani-meet joe black video..its shot so well..the other 5% of the times i tend to really get carried away and i watch a lesbian video..though these i stay for a much shorter time comparably..infact less than a minute..but i cant understand the desire behind it..maybe its the fact that its available so easily..and it sort of gives sanction to the human mind unconsciously to believe taht its okay..youve got to be strong..but these are extremely powerful times..where almost anything has a sort of connection to sex..i have never and in fact have always been strongly against watching any sort of porn clip that involves blowjobs.or just so much as treating the female body in a degrading manner..that means causing pain or treating her as trash..i do believe..that if i do watch a movie scenes involving famous sort of gives it some sanction..though maybe most actresses might be in some way exploited//i cant say much but what im really asking this stuff okay?and just to state a fact..this has been my state for the past 2 years the chances of me gravitating to something more filthy are in my belief extremely i said earlier .blowjobs or shoving whatever it is into different places DISGUSTS me too..

  • logic and sacrifice

    I’m a 34 male, happily married with kids. I’ve been looking at porn for a long time and, while, I know it’s not the right thing to do, I’ve continued to do it. The bottom line with all this is that if it hurts your wife and she’s not happy with it, then you should make the sacrifice to end it, forever. If you’re strong enough and man enough, then you can do it. It’s all about will-power, and I’m shamed that I haven’t had the will power in the past to make it so. I’ve made a pact to my family and myself to end it because it does take away valuable time from your family and loved ones.

    C’mon guys, let’s face it we all have “urges” to look at beautiful women in provocative acts besides our wives, but if hurts your loved ones and impacts your marriage, then you should stop. If you love your wives as much as you say, then make the sacrifice and end it. Marriage and commitment are all about sacrifices, and it’s selfish to hold onto something that is so trivial in the larger scope.Simple, but enough said…

  • Anonymous-85

    In the last two weeks I have been doing A LOT of reading about men and married men who watch porn. I can kinda understand why they do it. I know some of it is out of being bored, enjoying what a woman looks like and so on. I do believe most of my husbands problem is that he is a really uptight person, and I have been told it is a great way to get rid of stess. I know he feels really bad and guilty about it, and doesn't like to hurt me like that. I know my husband loves me and wouldn't leave me for another woman. He would never even talk to another woman outside of family and friends. I tust my husband and love him, so I guess if he has to watch it on the T.V. every now and then I will be fine with it as long as it doesn't effect out sex life or marriage and he is honest about it. And we watchit together too not just by himself. I also know my husband doesn't watch it a lot he hasn't in almost 4 weeks. I hope all of you can find a way to work through this. I know it is hard, one of the hardest things I've had to deal with as what kind of person I am.

  • Anonymous-91

    I am a wife, I discovered my husband viewed porn years ago. We have ben married 12 years. I was hurt and mortified when I first found out. I was angry and felt he had cheated on me. I was mad that he lied to me.

    I felt really betrayed. He promised that it wouldn't happen again, but it did. He would lie and say he had work to do and stay up late looking at it on the computer. I found this out, and confronted him and told him if it didn't stop I would take our children and leave him. Again he promised. I asked why he did it and he told me it was fantasy and a way that he relieved stress. During these 7 years of finding out and confronting him I gain a lot of weight and stopped caring about myself. I turned to food for comfort. I found out I had some medical issues that contributed to my weight gain. We didn't have a sex life to speak of. I knew my weight bothered him greatly. After many discussions and a lot of soul searching on my part. I understand. I get why he does it, I am okay with it. Does it hurt sometimes yes but thats on me I finally realized that I need to stop comparing myself to those women. Because its his fantasy world. And since we have started watching porn together and he has shared his wants a desires to me and I have been able to share my wants and desires with him our sex life has taken off. We have more fun and try new things with each other. Does he still look at it by himself sometimes yes. But not as much. I have realized I need to stop making him feel bad about it and accept that its part of him, and I love him more now than before because he has let me in and shared with me.

    I have started to lose wieght and feel better about myself. He listens to me and meets my needs. I have bought him movies and gone to bed so he can stay up and watch them. Sometimes he comes to me and other times not. If he doesn't come to me that night, he will have sex with me the next night. I finally relized that the more I accuse him and make him feel bad the worse our relationship will get. The more open I am and and accepting the better things are. We are closer and more conected that ever. We have better sex and more fun.

    I love my husband and accept him for who he is, and realize that he doesn't care that I don't look like those women, but loves me for who I am and loves having sex with me because of the things I can do.

    It took him years to finally open up but he did once he realized that I was willing to understand it and stop blaming him.

    Trusting him again was harder but it came in time.

    Sex and masturbation are not bad. If your sex life is gone because of him masturbating instead of being with you talk with him about it be honest. but don't make him ashamed. Listen to what he wants and do the things you can do. Try a few new things you might discover you like a few of them. I did.

    Anyway that is my story. I am happily married and am very much in love with my husband and he is very much in love with me. If he wants to live in a fantasy world for a few hours then so be it, because I am still the one he is having sex with. I am still the one he comes home to every night. We all escape into fantasy sometimes whether its porn or something eles.

  • I'm trying

    It's a slap in the face when you and your boyfriend don't have much sex, but then gets off on another woman and his hand. He says he loves me? Just trying to understand. Everyone says it's ok if it is not affecting your sex life, well I think it does. He says I push him away with all the questions and complaints about porn. Well WTF does he expect. I think he knows, I go on this site, but it is my way of coping. I told him, "I guess its my problem not yours, so i will deal with it". Help!

  • Anonymous-92

    I agree. I'm in the same boat. I found out again today that my boyfriend has been viewing porn and it's hard to grasp, especially since I told him how it makes me feel and how it hurts me. Since this is anonymous, I must admit that we haven't slept together for two months because he's never interested in being intimate.Then I find out he's getting his pleasure from porn. It hurts so bad. And all he says is it's my fault and just puts me down including criticising my appearance. If pornography problems like this in a relationship should be accepted, maybe I should just become a nun. This is ridiculous.

  • Anonymous-89

    Its been a very hard few days since i wrote here last. We've talked for hours about my partners use of porn sites and gone round in circles many times !

    He has promised me faithfully that he wont be going on any porn sites ever again.............of course i don't believe him, my trust has gone , i feel betrayed etc etc ..........but i love him and adore him and i know he is a good man who loves me so much .

    I'm coming to terms with everything, i've asked him to tell me if he wants to look at the porn sites and if possible share them with me ..........i'll hate it but if it means he's not doing it in secret i think i'll cope better.

    I have tried to put it all into perspective and see the lighter side of using porn sites , i do look at them myself, very infrequently but i have looked .

    My main hurt was the lying and the feeling of being inadequate and not enough for my partner, not having the right shape body etc etc .

    It still hurts and i know it will for some time but i'm going to give our relationship my best shot because i know its worth fighting for . How i find peace in my head i'm not sure but it will come , of that i am sure.

    I hope this gives some help to others reading these posts, believe me i've not stopped reading this forum and others like it since i found out and the comments on here have really helped . Its good to know you're not alone !

  • re:

    To the woman who responded to my post, if he is criticizing your appearance, that is wrong. Don't let him blame you for his guilty feelings of porn use

  • Mary

    Anyone reading this weblog may feel encouraged by reading the following website

  • Anonymous-93

    Still after reading this it's still difficult to understand. I have put my husband through a lot lately but never deprived him from sex or any of his fantasy's. I allow him his fun but still I am unsure about this. I agree self image issues play a great role and I am a beautiful women and thin but I don't see it myself. This is tough but I'm glad to see I'm not the only one going through this. Thank you

  • Ms. Lara

    My boyfriend and I have struggled with the issues of pornography many times. The outcome to the altercations proved unsuccessful ending in tears on my part and denial, defensiveness, and guilt on his. In the past I have tried reading books on infidelities, porn addiction and the psychology behind this fetish. I kept a journal of my feelings in a rage after learning of his viewings. I later learned that these views stemmed from personal feelings of inadequacy. My belief was that of any willing and able female wanting to share the joys of intimacy, only to be let down after my misunderstanding to his desires. Pornography is not something I agree with or even find to be sexually liberating. After reading your explanation on the mind behind the pornography I had to detach myself from the root of the negativity and anger I felt toward my partner. I had to be open to the methodology behind ones hidden passions. Thank you for shedding light on the subject. Although I may not fully ever understand the reasoning behind the act, I am able to disassociate the feelings of anger which are actually hurt and misunderstanding where my partner is coming from. He has said many times that he loves me as I know this is true and that he doesn't mean to hurt me...he was bored, stressed, trapped. These are his ways of defending his guilt and shame. In a way I feel sorry for him for taking on the added stress of not being able to feel as though he could share his innermost sexual fantasies but as I read in your description they are feelings that only manifest in the secrecy and solitude of his control. I wouldn't want to know the workings of a man in his domain or for that matter dominance anyway, it would take away from the passion of lovemaking. Still working on complete understanding of my partner. Maybe splitting is necessary if one can't understand? -Hopeful

    Thank You Dr. Schwartz

  • Happy Porn Watcher

    I thought I'd share another guy's perspective on this issue. I'm 36 and I've been married for almost 13 years. My wife is BY FAR, the most amazing awesome woman I could ever have hoped to marry in pretty much every way. When my co-workers start complaining about their spouses, I'm so struck by the fact that I have very few complaints relative to all of them. One of the many things I'm so impressed by, with her, is the extent to which she goes to not say "no" to me when I want sex. Don't get me wrong, she doesn't always say "yes", but I can see that when she really can't (because she's just too tired), she feels bad and at least tries to give me a "rain-check". To reciprocate, I try to be sensitive to her day before springing that on her as much as I can. Anyway, as awesome and understanding as she is, I still watch porn with some regularity and I'm not particularly ashamed. I know it's a very natural and healthy part of my own sexuality and she does too. Sometimes I watch as an inferior alternative to sex with her because she's too tired or has already fallen asleep. Sometimes I want the fantasy more than the real thing. One small issue I have with the article above, is that it seems to give an impression that porn watching is always done for some negative reason. I take issue with this. We should be mindful that no matter what the credentials of the psychologist (..chyatrist) theorizing about the topic are, it's nothing but a theory, a way of trying to explain behavior and not necessarily correct in all or even most cases. I acknowledge there is certainly such a thing as addictive behavior in ALL activities and those issues must be dealt with. However, I know masturbation and fantasizing, whether through porn or other means, is quite natural and healthy for at least some men if not most, when done in a controlled way (all things in moderation). I would consider porn watching to be a problem if it gets in the way of a man being sexually available for his wife if/when she wants it. In my case, that has NEVER been a problem. As for other reasons why I watch porn, it's pretty simple. I fantasize about doing things that I'll likely NEVER be able to do in real life, like have sex with multiple women at the same time - a common male fantasy btw. That's not a fantasy I've ever actively tried to make real and in all likelihood, I'll never have such an opportunity, so porn helps satisfy it. Many women may wonder why, if I'm happy in my marriage, would I want to fantasize about such a thing though. I believe many/most men are probably pre-programmed to naturally want to have sex with as many attractive women as they can. From a purely biological perspective, I'm sure an argument can be made for how that would make a lot of sense (See Desmond Morris). I'm also sure many women will think, "You just want to have sex with numerous women because it's a learned behavior from our society" or something along those lines. Well, I can't prove one way or the other, but I can simply say I don't think that's what's going on in my own head. All my desires feel quite natural and un-taught to me. There was a time when I wasn't certain how normal my own private sexual activities were, but as I've gotten older, I've been struck by the confessions of other male co-workers and the extent to which they engage in exactly the same activities as I without any of us having discussed them prior to having engaged in them. I'm truly sorry that so many women feel demeaned, hurt, jealous, etc. by the fact that their men watch porn. It's very unfortunate and I can see how that could cause a whole lot of stress in a marriage. I wish those women who have those feelings, could feel more secure and comfortable. I'm not saying all women are unjustified by those feelings either. I'm sure there are women who feel that way and whose men really are addicted or withholding real sex from their wives or are into illegal stuff or whatever. I'm not talking about those situations though. I'm talking about men who aren't out of control with it. I sincerely feel it would be unhealthy for men who have a natural desire to watch porn from time to time, to try to fight that urge for too long a period. Now, it may be possible that SOME men could be satisfied having sex with just their wife/gf every time they get horny. But, that would require their wife/gf to make herself available EVERY TIME he wants it - which is almost certainly impossible. Bear in mind that typically, men's sex drive is many many times higher than women's (this is proven by observation of the brain and body chemistry). There's virtually no way, under normal circumstances, that a man and woman will ever match each other's desires for sex for a sustained period of time. Something has to give, and porn provides a means. It does not necessarily have any bearing on a man's level of desire for his wife/gf in general. Women, there's virtually nothing practical you can do to change this and it doesn't matter how perfect or beautiful you are. Men desire, at least in a fantasy world, a variety of women. They don't even have to all be HOT. They just need to be different. Sorry for going so long. I'll stop now.

  • Anonymous-94

    Re --Another Guys Perspective.

    I found your comment(s) very useful and interesting , and kind of refreshing ! Ive been continually beating myself up since i discovered my partner had been visiting porn sites on the internet . He's done it for 20 odd years and though we met 2or so years ago he'd continued to " occasionally " as he put it , still visit them .

    Ive asked a million questions of him these past 10 days and most of waht he said is much the same as you've said .

    My only doubt is that he said he will stop viewing the sites as it upsets me so much ....i can't really believe that one as i know old habits die hard !!

    But thank you for your comments , they have helped me put things into perspective a lot more and i hope him and i can work through this together

  • lAURA

    why do men always make excuses about it, they know exactly how it makes their wives or their girlfriends feel, but yet they carry on, self gratifying, its disgusting, if they need to fanticise about other women, then why are you with the person you are with, its degrading, you make people feel like your settling for second best, then comes the lies, and you always get caught, really i think you are just a bunch of perverts, its not just innocent where nobody gets hurt, your partners get hurt, and more than likely the women participating in this crap, women are not sex objects, would you all like your mothers or your daughters or your wives or girlfriends to be porn stars, would you like to see men jerking off watching them degrade themselves for other mens benifit, no i didnt think so, but its ok for you to do it is it, im ashamed that this is an acceptable part of our society, so much for womens rights

  • Jo

    I too have a husband who is additicted to porn. I have been married 25 years and knew about his addition for a long time. I've tried to accept it, however, it takes a toll on you. Especially when you are getting older, (grey hair, wrinkles, out of shape) he looks at 20 year olds. So is this ok? Yes, it might be a fantasy, but how can one compete. It now has affected the relationship...I really just wany someone to hold me and love me for who I am. Show me affection. We haven't had sex for awhile. I get appaled at the mention of it with him. It's like when we do have sex, I'm one of the porn chicks and the feeling is not there. He once wanted to put a pop bottle up me. No way was the answer, but again I was appaled by the request. I have to say, I laughed at a commment that someone said that you should bag a guy and do your own porn, and him the tape. I really thought that was funny. So my one question is.....if guys do this...explain to me where the LOVE is?

  • Happy Porn Watcher

    Hi Laura,

    It's funny, I had written another long message and then decided to try really hard to keep my response relatively short. The gist of what I wanted to say is simply, either you believe that much/most of men's sexual behavior is biologically based, as do I, or you don't. Speaking on behalf of typical men who's porn watching isn't excessive, I just say we don't mean to hurt anyone. Many of us have been masturbating and fantasizing about women we don't have access to since we were young children. I personally discovered masturbation and fantasizing when I was in the 1st grade. Assuming your guy doesn't have an unhealthy addiction, maybe you should consider counseling to determine why his behavior hurts you so much. His reasons for doing it may not be the reasons you imagine.

  • Anonymous-95

    i think that your view is that of a typical male, making excuses for your behaviour. women are objectified everywhere in the modern world, you said you were married, did you tell your wife in your wedding vows that you were going to have other women undress for you, and have sex and imagine other women whilst you were supposedly making love to her. I am assuming that you justifiy your behaviour because you are a man. Have you ever thought what it is like for a woman, and how a woman feels about this. We are supposed to be more intelligent than animals, have the ability to think for ourselves on what is morally right or wrong, but from what i read on this site, it is just males justifying their lying cheating ways, and women left feeling inadequate, and feeling ugly, and feeling that they cant compare, to the surgically enhanced airbrushed images of these so called porn stars, if u have the ability to think and men know how this makes their partners feel, then surely the intelligent part if of their brain would refrain from contineously hurting their partners, why not grow up and stop making ridiculous excuses to suit yourselves, if women carried on like that, your little man brains couldnt handle it and you would have all the same emotions as the women, that my friend is normal human emotion, not what you are trying to justify as normal.

  • Anonymous-95

    This is a man's world. We have pornographic images in magazines, and newspapers the majority of women. We have tv adds constantly featuring scantily clothed women, then at night time we have the sex ads or channels on tv, again all of women, then we have lapdancing clubs, Im not even sure if there is such a thing as a male lapdancing club. All of this directed at males, and evidently using women as a marketing tool. Where are males being treated like this, am I to believe that sex is just for men, just something women go along with to please a mans desires, why is this sex industry so unfair, maybe women wouldnt have such a problem with it if they were exposed to male nudity constantly, maybe they wouldnt feel so inferior if this was the case, and maybe we might see how a man feels then, I would suspect they would feel uneasy and find it distasteful, the same way as women do. I find it so hard to understand where these males are coming from, how can they not see how this is one sided, they have no idea what it is like to live with this daily, the constance of it, nor apparently do some of them care. I am of the belief that not all men are this disrespectul, some males do respect their partners feelings, and are loyal in their actions, trying to justify porn is a selfish thing, why do you think it is mostly females visiting this site, surely their feelings are valid, and there are so many women with the same inadequacy feelings because of this toxic influence. What happened to love, decency, loyalty and respect, those are the things relationships are built on, those are the things that bring people closer, not the use of porn by the male partner, that helps destroy relationships, marriages, some that have taken years to build can be crushed in one instance when the woman inevitably finds out, is it really worth degrading women, and degrading your partner for 20 seconds worth of film, really lads?

    If a guy cant respect his partners feelings, or women in general then the best thing to do is to walk away, because not all men are like this, I realise they may be few and far between, but it is worth trying to find out, nobody should accept being with someone who betrays them in this way, who shatters selfesteem and confidence, that is not love, that is torture and women are worth more than that so stand up for yourselves, if you catch them onces tell them exactly how you feel about it, if you catch them again, walk away, they wont change, but you still have a chance for happiness with someone else before you end up soul destroyed, believe me it happened to me.

  • laura

    read this and if you still think it is all innocent fun, then knock yourself out, by watching this stuff, you are contributing to these statistics, not to mention hurting and betraying your spouse

    ps. i dont need to see a councellor, i know the difference between right and wrong, and i am of sound mind to know that I disagree with this industry as a hole, it hurts the people who participate in it and it hurts the partners of those who watch it, i think maybe you should see a councellor for your addiction maybe? I dont mean to sound personal but i found your statement towards me condesending, we obviously both differ in our morals

  • Edward Jones

    I am 24 I broke up with my ex because of other circumstances but porn she did not like but what every one has to realise is the fact that your wife, fiance etc. may not do things some of the sites out there do for instance I am into the public scene my ex was more like I tryed it with my ex and I didn't like it. At this point I turned to porn and to me it is a way of satisfying a need that she could not fill and refused too this does not mean alck of love etc. this just feeds my habit of public sex and you can give me a hundred reasons why I am wrong and YOU are right but bare in mind there are somethings that they do on porn that you as a man or woman would not do! and instead of breaking up and cheating etc. you go to a porn site which makes sense so absically you can call it security of the fact that the person you are with loves you but somethings you will not do won't satisfy you.

    I got to say this aswell the fact that woman moan etc. but after a man gets off to porn he is still climbing in bed next too you and giving you his all in bed, if your husband or what ever goes to a strip club he isn't sleeping with the girl so when he does come home you still get action off him and to me woman are on a winning thing here. The point I am getting at is when they are all hot and steamy and well up for it you the wife, fiance or partner get it in bed so it is helping your life too and all I got to say is stop complaining if you do not like it then site down with him and sort your sex life because remember the man strays some times when the woman cannot fill the void the man wants and it can be the other way around aswell alot of women watch porn too!

  • Happy Porn Watcher

    My wife knows I watch porn, has watched with me in order to get in the mood, and even teases me about it from time to time. She's as far from feeling disrespected by it as could be. Please understand that there are all sorts of people in this world and we don't all agree on what's moral or not. We don't all think the same way either. I think the reason my wife isn't bothered by my porn watching is because she's not afraid that it reflects on her and not afraid that it will interfere with our marriage of nearly 13 years. There's watching porn and then there's excessively watching porn. You know what I mean? I initiate sex with my wife about 95% of the time and I know she knows I wouldn't mind having it even more often with her if she'd allow (our schedules don't always sync well for that but I'm always ready for it - lol). In the 15 or so years we've been together, I've NEVER once said "no" to her when she's initiated - nor have I ever wanted to say "no". She's the sort of girl who absolutely won't tolerate anyone doing anything she doesn't like. She can't hold her tongue to save her life and would bring down a serious wrath if she had any problem with my porn watching. The point is that my porn watching doesn't adversely affect our marriage and that's why she's ok with it. She knows I watch porn largely as a practical matter because she can't always be available. Now I have no doubt that if there ever came a time that I stopped asking for sex altogether or became sexually unavailable while I was still watching porn, she'd most certainly have a problem with that. If that's the situation you ladies are primarily talking about, then I agree with you whole-heartedly. That would be a case in which porn is excessive and disruptive in a relationship.

    I know some of you believe no amount of porn is ever ok and if your husband can't have sex with you because you're unable, he should have the self-control to restrain himself until you are able. I'm sure most guys could restrain themselves from time to time, but I'm also sure a lot of guys don't see anything wrong with masturbating to porn in that case either. And different people have different levels of sex drive too. Who's to say there aren't people out there who really can't hold it for very long. I bet you don't deny there are some people who have naturally low sex drives, so why not naturally high ones too?

    Many of you say you find it demeaning and disrespectful, but as I pointed out at the beginning, my wife doesn't, and many many other women don't either. There's no way for me to say this without sounding insensitive and for that I apologize, but you have to consider the possibility that those of you who feel that way may have issues of self-esteem and the like. You may be tying your sense of self-worth disproportionately to the actions of your husbands such that you assume if he does XYZ it MUST mean he doesn't a) respect me - b) love me - c) think I'm sexy/pretty/ etc. While it's possible that you could be right in some cases (in which case I think you'd be justified), you have to consider that it's at least possible that that's not what his actions mean to him. I acknowledge one of the harder things for many of we humans to do, is to understand why someone would do things or behave in a way that we wouldn't do ourselves. I suppose many of you are thinking that you'd never do XYZ to him because it would be disrespectful, hurtful, demeaning, etc., so why is he doing that to you. Ask yourselves what kind of person he is in other aspects of your lives. If you conclude that he's a generally good or great guy in virtually all other aspects of your lives except that one, then it may suggest that your thoughts on how you think he should be, simply don't match with how he's actually thinking. For example, some people are Vegans because they think it's amoral to kill any animal for any reason at all. Most people in the world don't share that view. Does that mean meat-eaters are particularly disrespectful to Vegans every time they buy a hamburger? I don't think so. The two groups aren't coming from the same set of base principles or don't see things in quite the same way.

    Regarding the morality of the porn industry, that's an interesting one. I have no doubt that most women in porn come from horrible family situations in which abuse occurred and they do porn because they're psychologically damaged in some way. And if I had a close friend or relative in that lifestyle and they appeared not to be particularly mentally healthy (by my judgement obviously), I'd likely be inclined to try to help them get out of it. So how then, can I still watch the stuff, knowing that? Well, I don't think deeply about it while I'm watching it. The fact is that I don't know those women personally, and that gives me the distance to prioritize my needs/wants ahead of this fairly abstract moral issue. I know that sounds cold or calculated (and maybe even is), but I'm just being honest, and I know I'm not alone in my ability to do this. Virtually everyone does something along these lines in one way or another. How does The President continue to send people to war knowing that a certain percentage won't come back and another percentage will come back mentally damaged. How many people buy and eat beef or chicken or whatever even though they'd never be willing to slaughter those animals themselves? Or how about the animal's living conditions? They don't think about that too deeply while enjoying their meat (I'm a meat-eater too btw). We all do this in one way or another - that's life. I know some people tend to see their causes more in black and white and for them, none of these arguments will sway them, but some people like me, see things in shades and things are seldom as simple as black and white.

    Maybe this issue doesn't have to be quite as difficult as it seems. How about confronting your husbands and asking them to try to be as honest as they possibly can about their reasons for watching porn. In fact, maybe write down your assumptions of why they're doing it before you ask them. Then, compare their responses with your assumptions. If you think they're generally good guys in most other aspects of your marriage, then try really really hard to assume they're not lying to you in their responses. If your assumptions don't match very well with their responses, and you're assuming they're not lying, then you must ask yourself where the disconnect is. Be sure to tell them what your assumptions are. Don't assume they should be thinking the way you are because we men seldom are - lol. Finally, if they make time to masturbate and watch porn, but deny you sex with some regularity, then OK - I think HE probably does have some kind of problem and HE'd better get some help or else he deserves what's coming to him. If he's capable of watching porn from time to time and masturbating and still making time for sex with you to a healthy degree (whatever you two agree that is), and his reasons for porn aren't the ones you're assuming they are, then there's no real problem.

  • Anonymous-96

    you say in your statement that everyone has different morals and on that i agree with you, but you also state that you believe much of the porn stars come from abusive backgrounds and even went as far as to say that some of them may have mental health issues, but yet you seem able to put that to the back of your mind, and enjoy it anyway, surely that is a moral issue, how can you contribute to an industry that mistreats human beings in this way, and then orgasm to it, I find it distateful to say the least, and it cannot be justified. I do believe that it is very wrong to treat people in this way, it is not very nice to mistreat or misuse the most disadvantaged people in our society for our own selfish gratification. The porn industry causes more harm than good, our values seem to have hit an all time low. I would like to pose a question to you if you dont mind, if you had a daughter would you be completley ok with her joining this industry, or indeed your wife, would you be ok with her participating, and please answer honestly. I would also like to ask the question, does your wife enjoy porn on her own, and does she look at men the same way you look at these women? For me as a female, it is very hard for me to understand your principles, and not because I have low self esteem or anything like that, but it is because I am a woman, and I see it as sexism and an unfair industry for everyone involved, I cannot comprehend how a father of a daugher who watches this stuff can honestly bring his daughter up to be respected or to grow as a person and not feel that she is a sex object. I think its double standards, and I do feel the world would survive without the porn, it did once, i feel sure it could again, and funtion much better for it

  • Anonymous-96

    I would just like to add that if you turn a blind eye to these womens abusive backgrounds and mental health issues, then I am assuming you dont care if these women were the victims of sex trafficing, so really what I'm trying to find out, does any of this bother you as a human being or are you quite content to support this industry when all of this information is glaring you in the face, or is it easier for you to turn a blind eye, and convince yourself that your not contributing to this seedy world, I was going to say so much for womens rights, but so much for human rights. But I suppose as long as you get your 6minutes of fun, what do these women really matter, they are only pieces of meat afterall, put there for your enjoyment, they are not real people with feelings and are only there for people to take advantage of? I find it so demoralising to know that most of these women were abused as children and now they are being abused as adults, by people completley lacking in empathy. What a world

  • Anonymous-97

    Long may you continue to rot your brain , and self destruct and i hope you have no daughters or grandaughters ,then justify your porn usage .

    maybe your wife falls asleep while she's waiting for you to finish your dirty deeds , but I am glad you are keeping the sanitary factories open and booming .You are aiding and abetting the industry of filth , and are no cleaner than a sewer rat . Your morality has to be questioned my friend! How can you be so suckered by all the play acting and fakeness . Go get a life make love to your wife , not your computer .

  • Happy Porn Watcher

    I see I've offended some of you with my honesty and that was not my intention. My intention was to attempt to explain how or why I, and so many other men, watch porn.

    I also attempted to explain how so many of us watch it while knowing that most of those women have issues. Please scan my last post for the section in which I talk about eating meat despite being unwilling to butcher the animals ourselves. Also please see the section in which I state that I'd not like to see a close relative doing porn and would try to help them out of that life. I suppose the gist of how I reconcile these issues is very much related to distance. Women in porn are anonymous people whose specific circumstances I do not know and therefore I don't have any issues watching them perform. It's difficult for me to feel empathy for paid actors whose life stories I do not know. However, I am not lacking in empathy in general. I've seen some porn that I chose not to watch because I felt it was too violent or disturbing and the actress didn't look like she was acting to me. That's not my thing. Most people have lines they don't want to cross, mine is simply farther than some of yours. My line allows for the existence of porn. Where are your lines? Are you ok with some levels of nudity in mainstream films? If so, why's that ok? I don't view the women as pieces of meat. I view them as paid actresses - which is what they are. Luckily, I don't have any daughters, but I work with guys who do. Interestingly, even I've wondered how they reconcile their sexual fantasy thoughts with the fact that they have daughters. But every guy does that on some level. It's built in and natural to. I'd venture to guess most guys don't want to do the raunchier things they may like in porn, to their wives. I think you're just going to have to accept that we think differently from you. I also think almost all women would be surprised by how little you actually know us. We hide a huge amount of our sexual natures from women because we know it would scare you all away if you knew what kinds of things we say and think all the time when you're not around. But here's the thing: while we may say and think (and watch) things that you'd find completely disgusting, we can be soft, tender and nurturing too. I think we know many of you would have a hard time reconciling how we could be both at the same time, so we tend to show only the 'presentable' side. This 'dualism' in our natures may also help explain how we can enjoy porn while not being complete psychopaths.

  • Anonymous-98

    What i don't like is that society seems to be accepting of male partners watching porn instead of making love to their wives. I've done a bit of research lately after having found out the love of my life had spent 3 hours while i was out shopping for him watching porn. Now i'm a pretty girl, i have some self esteam issues like most women but i am very sexual and have a high sex drive for a woman. I would give it to my partner when ever he needed, i would do anything weird or strange he asked of me...

    The excuse that men and also women who are ok with their partner using porn is "men are visual creatures", so this line automatically makes it ok for men to hurt their partners without guilt. This is their excuse as to why men are allowed to use porn... This is basically telling us that men have no self control, men are not capable of being satisfied and full-filled by just one woman.

    I speak for myself and many other women out their when i say this... When we find out our man has been masturbating to porn we feel undesirable, unattractive, unloved, insecure about our bodies because our men having been searching for 'sexy women, tight pussys, hot blonde (when you are brunette), big boobs (and you have small ones) etc, the list goes on. This makes us women, us partners/girlfriends/wives feel like we are not attractive to our men. Our men are not turned on by us, our men prefer to look at skinny airbrushed girls with breast implants, again the list of hurtful thoughts and feelings goes on. As women, we do not always keep our perfect teenage bodies. We grow up, we sacrifice our bodies to reproduce. Because of this we get stretch marks, we put on a bit of weight, we may not have the defined abs we had before children. Then we find out our men are masturbating to porn... can you see how this makes us feel? We have just sacrificed our body image to grow a child that not only we wanted, but our man too. He has not undergone any of the physical changes we have, he is still just a perfect in our eyes as he was before we conceived. Now he starts looking at porn, looking at these skinny, stretch mark free girls. How are we not supposed to feel betrayed and degraded because of this?

    So why can't men just enjoy the pleasure of their own woman? Why can't these men say no to porn instead of causing their partners pain and hurt?

    Some men refuse to stop looking at porn for the sake of their partner. I have read multiple responses from men who comment, "if my girlfriend tried to stop me watching porn, i would dump her and find a woman who didn't care." Is this love?? What happened to love, respect and loyalty?

    I know if my partner was hurt by something i did, i would stop doing it! I love him and would never want to cause him pain or hurt in anyway. I would never want him to feel badly about himself.

    Men need to stop with the 'visual creature' excuses and start showing some empathy toward their partner. I'm sure men will survive without porn and will not die from using their sexual energy having sex with their partners...

  • -V-

    Wow, you said it so well, I sent that message to my boyfriend. Thank you

  • Anonymous-99

    I can answer that one , I'm afraid if he is doing this to you now , then you have not got much to look forward to . men just can't help themselves and have no self control , when it comes to looking at naked or half naked women . It only gets worse the older they get the filthier the minds about young women . My husband is 64yrs and has been heavily involved in porn up to recently , which involved very young girls ,between the ages of 14 -18 , I was horrified when I found out because we have grandchildren coming up to puberty . We have to see a counsellor , but I will never ever understand , and it has caused soooo much pain I hurt , and cry most days . We are trying to save our marriage of 45yrs , but I will never forget all what he has put me through . If you are not married to him get out now , and thank you for your input on this site . Go spread the word and keep us informed on how you get on .

  • Tina

    I first discovered pornagraphic photographs on my Husbands Computer 5 years ago, as i had just moved in with him and we have his Daughter who was then only 10, i told him to remove the photo's, to make things worse they were all 'anal' sex. i trusted him that he had deleted them and thought no more of it, we got a laptop a year later, and by chance i came accross downloads of porn, again some anal, and as his Daughter has use of his laptop, i blew my top, and he promised he would not download these again, only to find a year later he was at it again, it was only recently i found them by chance again, he has been abusing my position as a Step Parent by continuing to download these films, and now i know that he 'wanks' to them, this has disgusted me, and i no longer feel the same about him, or our living room, we had a very good sex life, but, now all i think about when we make love is him thinking of making love to someone else, it is degrading, i no longer think anything of myself, and i am putting on weight, i feel undervalued, and the trust has gone in our relationship, i am 59 years old, and he is 53, i left him for a few weeks in May this year, he promised he would not look at them again, and i went back, but, he has continued though not so much now. As he clears all history on the laptop, i do not know if he is still downloading, and to top it all you will laugh at this he has shaved his balls!!!! thighs, and tummy hair, i wonder what the hell is going on with this Man i loved so much?.

    I have left him to try and make him see sense and what this is doing to me and our marriage, and i am so worried that his Daughter who is now 15 may have seen this dirty content, i cannot ask her. He has admitted to me that he used to watch and wank to porn with his Ex.

    His Daughter is always so quiet and does not talk very much, and i am hoping that if she has seen this on his laptop, that she does not think that i have any part in it.

    I don't know if i will be able to stay with my Husband, as the trust has gone and porn has ruined our marriage, we had what i thought was a very good sex life. Now this has destroyed it for me and i feel ashamed of him.

    At this time in my life going on sixty this is not what i need, and the future scares me. I know in my heart and head that he will not stop, it has been going on for too long. This is very sad..........

  • Anonymous-100

    Hi tina !

    welcome to the broken hearts club .

  • Anonymous-101

    Hi Tina,

    I really feel for you. You have been let down so much by the person you love and again involving this filth. I think you should be proud that you had the courage to leave, I think all of us( the women hurt by this) know deep down that our partners wont stop watching this and abusing our trust, and even if they do, the trust is gone anyway, because we also know deep down that they want to, the person we knew and loved and trusted completely is gone forever, i know thats how I felt when i found out about my partner, and that is something you cannot get back. I think you should be proud of yourself, and that you are a good influence to HIS daughter cause god knows if he leaves that crap on his computer, that must mess with her head, i mean what must she think of him and at the age she is, that could leave horrible images in her head, you are better off out of the relationship, i know life is scary on your own, but it is unfair and brakes you down if you have to remain with a person whom you cannot trust and degrades you everyday, i know which future id choose, so good luck, and I hope things work out for you, be true to yourself.

  • Mary

    Having read this forum (thank you happy porn watcher for taking the time to post) and other similiar sites, I think I am finally getting a glimpse of how these porn-loving type of men regard it, and why they don't empathise with how we feel.

    I think these porn-loving type of men look upon it as a bit of glorified masturbation, and I don't think they regard themselves in any way as being unfaithful. Men really are made differently from us. This time round I have managed to talk quietly and sensibly (not shouting and crying) to my husband about it and he has managed to both listen and also communicate his needs, and when I told him, that to me, it was a bit like adultery (eg him having sex with a prostitute) he was really shocked, it simply hadn't occured to him that anyone could look at it in that way.

    When these porn-loving type of men look at young girls exhibiting themselves in porn, yes, they see very attractive bodies, but that is all they are to them, just images and an aid to masturbation.

    I think women (not all of them) relate to porn differently. When I watched one of my husbands porn dvds, I
    found myself thinking about how the young girl was feeling, was she doing it just for the money, for drugs, or was she really enjoying it. Most of all I was wondering if my husband wanted to swop her for me. On reflection I realise none of these thoughts enter porn-loving type men's heads, in fact I don't think they think at all, the images go straight to the part of the brain concerned
    with sexual arousal, they get an erection, masturbate and climax, and then its all over until the next time. (Is that correct happy porn watcher?)

    For most women sex and love are inextricably linked, and we find it extremely difficult to understand that this isn't the case for men, we find it hard to believe that our men can truly love us and watch this stuff too. Happy porn watcher, your Wife obviously knows she is loved, that is probably why she isn't upset by it, most of us aren't so lucky. It would be truly helpful if she could post her point of view here, do you think she would? Has she read your posts?

    One danger is that we women who are married to porn-loving type men start to think that all grown men look at porn, but they don't. Most school boys probably look at internet porn and that is a tragedy in the making, but all grown men do not view this stuff. I found a very interesting article by Robert Jensen who forced himself (yes really!) to watch 25 hours of porn for research purposes and here is a quote from his findings -

    "But when viewed one after another, in this numbing fashion, the pleasure wears off quickly and the underlying ideology becomes easier to see. After a few tapes, it becomes difficult not to see the concentrated woman-hating and subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) violence that saturates most of these “mainstream” videos. I think that leads to empathy for the women, something that the typical pornography consumer doesn’t experience."

    So ladies be strong. You have inadvertently married, or partnered, a porn-loving type of man (or wanker), that is sad enough without allowing your self-esteem to suffer.

  • Anonymous-101

    I have read your piece, and as a woman I feel by you thanking mr happy porn user, that again you are enabling men to make excuses about porn. If you read all what he said, then you would see that he realises this industry is made up of abused women and some with mental health problems, but yet he can turn a blind eye to this, I dont really understand why you are thanking him for his input, to be quite honest he disgusts me as a human being. It is too easy for men to say it is just a wank, for their few minutes of enjoyment, these women are real people, they know that, they know that these women are degrading themselves for mens benifits, and these men get off to that, it is incredible that he tries to justify this, he cannot, I dont really want to hear his comments to be honest, unless he is going to look past his penis, and look at women like human beings on an equal basis, which he seems unable to do. WOMEN ARE NOT SEX OBJECTS, how many times, Men like this have no respect for women, he says he loves his wife, but yet he treats her gender as sex objects, where is the respect there, I feel sorry for his wife, I believe that she has selfesteem issues, and that he is a bully, and I really hope they do not have children, because if they have a girl she will grow up in an environment that she feels this is ok, and if they have a boy then he will grow up to be like his father, a sleezy bag, and I feel there are enough of them in the world, so heres hoping they have no off spring

  • Mary

    Thank you for your reply. I was trying to help women feel better about themselves rather than make excuses for the porn-loving men.

    I thanked Happy Porn User for enabling us to glimpse into the minds of some of the porn-loving type men (wankers). I don't agree with his views but whether we like it or not some people are making millions of dollars (pounds for us in the UK) out of what used to be one of the only free ways to have pleasure (goodbye and good riddance to Bob Guccione) and they are not going to give up their source of income without an enormous fight.

    I think it is better to have a civilised dialogue about this difference of opinions rather than indulge in insults. I sincerely hope that the Happy Porn User's Wife
    does post here with her point of view as requested, but I somehow doubt she even knows he posted on this forum. Happy Porn User used vegans as an example of how people think in different ways "are meat-eaters particularly disrespectful to Vegans every time they buy a hamburger?" Well, as a vegetarian I do think that meat-eaters are disrespectful to both vegans and cows when they buy hamburgers, but I have learnt that it is better to discuss the issue and try to win people over in a light-hearted but rational way rather than get into an argument.

    I think that the way we are going to win the war against porn is by the use of ridicule, making a joke at the expense of these porn-loving men. In years gone by men who looked at "dirty magazines" were called "dirty old men", the "grey raincoat brigade", but now thanks to the efforts of people like Bob Guccione these porn-loving
    type men (wankers) think they are studs (!!)

    Women need to fight back by laughing at the cyber studs and by supporting young men like Matt who started the antipornmen website

    It amuses me to think that maybe we are seeing natural selection in action. There are quite a few help sites now for men who have become addicted to this stuff, and they are unable to have normal sex, they can only reach orgasm by masturbating in front of a computer screen.

    Is this nature's way of weeding out the wankers - lol!

  • Anonymous-101

    I would like to thank you for your input, I like your approach to make a laugh of the men who participate in this, and I find it then amusing the thought that there are help sites for men who cannot orgasim to real sex, only to their computers, I have to say it made me laugh, probably the only time iv ever found this subject humourous, I actually nearly let myself feel sorry for them, missing out on what sex and real life is supposed to be about.

    Personally I dont like porn at all, I always destested it, from a young age I knew my father would buy newspapers with page 3, had cut them out and kept his favourites in a tin box. I was too young to understand then what it was all about. But I remember growing up and hitting puberty and being self consiouos about my body, and i think that is why. I was then abused by a family friend, and then later on, fell in love with a man i thought i could trust and told him everything that happened to me, i told him i hated porn and hated women being treated like objects, for obvious reasons, he said he hated porn too and would never watch it, then bit by bit I found out he did, not once or twice, but on a regular basis, this absolutely crushed me, I really dont know what to make of men, I am nearly of the belief that they are all the same, given half a chance, it grosses me out the thought of what turns some of them on, it doesnt even seem human to me to get aroused by some of the images they jerk off to, so thank you, for once I can feel good about myself, and think of them as the saddo loosers that are missing out,

  • Laurie

    Most of the beginning of your explanation hit the nail on the head for me about how women feel about it and what we think. But my answer to the rest regarding "shame" is I think it is a simple answer why men are obssessed with porn, they love it. It turns them on. They are too used to being with their wives so the thought of being with another women really turns them on.

  • retirement hell

    Yes ladies what a sad sad world we live in , the age of romance is dead and gone , and so are the real men of the world . I am glad I lived in an era where boys came on to girls . I am in the sad position where I am in my sixties , and just when my life should have been good , discovered my husband also in his sixties a porn addict . Now I visit this site every day , and look at the new blogs and comment on them if I think I can help , sort of an agony aunt . Sad to think I am spending my retirement doing this after a lifetime of going out to work to make our lifestyle better , maybe this was my calling .

    But if you really think about this ladies , you have to have a good imagination mind , and a sense of humour , just think about all these sad guys , sat with their trousers round their ankles wanking off to an inanimate object .

    So come on guys ! don't be shy , get those web cams pointed down to your nether regions ( no faces though )

    and create your own website , wankers anonymous and give us ladies a good giggle .

  • cam

    I intend to offend no one, with that being said I am newly married and just had my first son. I found out my husband was getting on the internet everytime I stepped out of the house to view porn and mastrubate while my weeks old baby sat in the swing next to him. I am not staying in my marriage because I don't want this life. I know that their are good men they are just few and far between. As I have more sensitive to things lately and discussed the issue with my husband (soon to be sad lonely ex husband) Its really ridiculous the way some young women think.. they think that they can watch movies like sex in the city where there are explicit scenes or that vampire show, even keeping up with the kardashians where there are NUMEROUS mentions of sex, sexual things, and the kardashian sisters often display themselves as a sexual favor type thing.. and then girls cant understand why or what the man was thinking... WELL HELLO... he just watched movies, shows, skimpy girls walking around at clubs, OBVIOUSLY seeing and hearing those things are going to get his mind going sub conciously or not he is thinking about sex. When the lust of a woman is so avaible its hardly fair to live that lifestyle then slap his hand when his imagination finishes the story. Come on now girls, lets be smarter then the seducers ( any celebrity that poses nude, and pornographic image move song whatever it be if it plants the seed your man is in harms way)

  • retirement hell

    I am so sorry for you , but good for you girl that you are getting out of it , because he will never stop . They just get clever at hiding things . At least i've had 45yrs wear and tear out of my old man slut , before I found out a few years ago . Don't look back , go with your heart .

  • Mary

    wankers anonymous - I love it - I wonder which cyber stud will be the first to treat us to a performance! I can't wait to watch, I'm sure my husband will understand (not)

  • Anonymous-102

    howdy folks,

    Well this is it for me, just checked the history on the computer and yet again, there this smut is again, We have had all the same rows for four years now, him telling me he would stop, me telling him how it made me feel about myself, him telling me this time he'd changed, ye right, we moved to a new location, and in a new house, I actually thought he was gonna try, but again I am left feeling like the fool.

    Well I think my self esteem and confidence has been shattered enough at this stage, it has been the worst four years of my life, he is the only man I have ever known into this, and I cannot and will not accept this as part of my life, and I will not put up and shut up, so I am leaving, I have locked the doors so he cannot come back to this house until I have left, It is the right thing for me to do, Im only sorry I didnt do it the first time I found out, that way I might not feel the way I do now, I cant believe he has done this to me again, I detest that filth and the men who watch it, I dont want to understand them, its a case of human decency, loyalty, honesty and trust, otherwise what is the point. I am nearly 31 years old, and the way I feel now, I dont ever want to be with another man again, only to find out this could happen again, he has destroyed me, and he did that consciously as he knew what it was doing to me, but still he carried on, and yet those pathetic words, I LOVE U, were always muttered, bullshit, thats not love, thats humiliating someone over and over and over again, sorry for the rant, but Im sitting here and my world is over. You know what the funny thing is, I actually showed him this site, just so he could see it wasnt just me that felt this way, and he said that was definatley it for him, he didnt realise, he is obvioulsy sick in the head, and if u read this now SIMON, I am talking about you, I despise you, and what you've done to me

  • Tina

    Thank you for your comment to my 'comment' This has helped me in as much as i do not feel alone, and i am not abnormal in the disgust i feel about my Husband watching porn, i was beginning to think i was prude' and i am making much to much of this, and reading how all you other Women feel has helped me so much. As i stated in my earlier comment, i feel so helpless as far as my Step Daughter is concerned, if she were my own Daughter then maybe i could ask her if she had seen anything distasteful on her Dad's Laptop, all of this has put me in an impossible situation, for i have her interest at heart, and i do not want her to be hurt by this, i do not want her to have the memory of her Dad watching hard porn. Sometimes i feel that walking away from the relationship is only going to make matters worse for he can watch what he wants when he wants i cannot even go there in my mind. Sometimes i feel as if i am going 'mad' i loved this Man trusted him, trusted him to stop for His Daughters sake as well as mine. I feel a different person now all of this has really had an impact on how i feel about myself. He is such a good Man in so many other ways, but, i feel i do not know him at all now, and i can't help but wonder is there anything else i do not know about him? If i had known that he wanked and watched hard porn when i met him i would not have carried on seeing him. Now i find myself in a one bedroom flat using my savings for rent, while he is in our 3 bed detatched house when i have done nothing wrong, i had to escape the mental feelings i was fighting with. But i have peace of mind for i do not have the need to check up on him, am i wrong or am i right?????????

  • Happy Porn Watcher

    I really thought I was done posting here because I thought I'd made my case as best I could - but I couldn't resist posting again - I'm an idiot! :-)

    • Mary, thanks for not agreeing with the practice of watching porn but absorbing and understanding what I was trying to say. I think you're one of the few who've given me the impression that you fully got what I was trying to say.
    • I do sympathize with how porn is hurting many of you ladies in your relationships - that's the whole reason I started posting. I assume most of you don't want to believe this, but my marriage really is fantastic, so I didn't need to post for my sake. I did it so you'd get what I believe to be a fairly typical male perspective in the hopes that you'd better understand what's going on in your own guy's heads.
    • If your guy watches enough porn that he seldom wants to have sex with you anymore - HE HAS A PROBLEM and I agree with you! If I'm advocating for anyone at all, it's only for men who watch porn without it getting in the way of them being as attentive and available to their wives/families as their wives want them to be. Regarding the guy who watches porn on a 'family' laptop so his daughter may be able to find it - that's just sloppy and stupid on his part. I agree that's potentially dangerous to his daughter's healthy development - not because she'll know her dad watches porn, but to see the fake sex acts those actors perform and to think those acts are normal and expected by men. I DO think teen-aged girls should be taught that most men masturbate to porn however. I think that because it will give them a realistic idea of what men and boys are about. I suspect some of the problem that some of you are having (assuming your guys aren't truly addicted), is that you entered into these relationships with unrealistic ideas of what men, your man in particular, are like. If you'd grown up knowing the majority of us watch porn and masturbate and have been doing so since we were 10 (6 in my case), and what it means to us emotionally (which is NOTHING), I wonder if you'd have entered your relationships with a slightly different mindset. And by the way, I'm not sure men ever stop. I'm 36 and I know for fact that most of my male friends/co-workers watch porn regularly (masturbation is implied in that of course). The oldest friend I've confirmed is 50. Oh, actually I just recalled my own dad admits to watching porn too. He's around 65. He's also admitted, alone with just me, that he loves having sex with his wife (my stepmom) too - and yes, she's age appropriate for him LOL and they've been married about 16 years. If I had to put a percentage on confirmed males I know who watch porn, I'd have to say it's 70-80 percent. That doesn't mean the other 30-20 percent don't watch though, I just don't have confirmation. They're the guys who are too shy or reserved to get into the conversations. I'm telling you all this because I wonder how realistic you may be about guy's typical behavior. We really tend to hide a lot about our sexual natures from you. By the way, I work in a professional, white-collar job. I'm not a construction worker or porn star or whatever stereotype you may associate with 'wankers' (I like that term, it's funny).
    • Mary, I may truly ask my wife to consider posting her point of view here - that's probably a great idea! On the other hand, I'm not sure it would do much good for most people on this board. I suspect many would assume, as one lady already stated, that my wife has self-esteem issues that cause her to simply go with whatever I say. That's actually funny if you know my wife. We joke with each other that in many ways, I feel more like the woman and she's more like the man in our relationship (except for porn obviously). She's probably the most aggressive female her family and friends know - she's infamous for it.
    • Why don't we stop if we know how it makes you feel? Well, while I wouldn't call it an addiction, the drive to have sex and by extension, masturbate when sex is unavailable, is certainly a strong one, and it needs to be that way. I sometimes joke if men had the same sex drive as women, the human race would've died out a long time ago :-). I'm not saying women never initiate sex, of course you do, but I suspect it's not to the extent men can/do. Some of you have indicated your husbands have promised to stop watching porn a number of times, only to have been found out again and again - and you feel betrayed by what you perceive to have been lies. I'd like to suggest that at least some of those men may actually have been lying to themselves when they told you they'd stop. When I was in my early 20's, I tried to stop a couple of times (I think I may have mentioned this - or maybe not), due to my religious beliefs at the time. I was quite sincere. Needless to say, it never lasted more than several months. That's not to say there aren't some men who are capable of ceasing forever - I'm absolutely certain there are, but I think they're in the small minority. I'm trying to think of an analogy you'll all be able to relate to, to explain how impractical it may be for many men to stop forever but it's quite difficult because what compares to the drive to propagate the human species? Eating may be the only thing that's comparable.
    • Is your beef just with your man watching porn or is it to his masturbating in general? I ask this because you should understand that even if he didn't have access to porn, if he's masturbating, and you've been in a relationship for any significant length of time, he's very likely NOT fantasizing about you. That should be the same offense to you, as him masturbating to porn shouldn't it? Reflecting on many of your comments, it sounds like many of you have a problem with the idea that your guy is masturbating while thinking about/observing other women - so whether he's doing it while watching porn or while fantasizing with eyes closed shouldn't matter - I would think. (Incidentally, some of you should prefer your guy to watch porn rather than fantasize in his head because for many men, to fantasize in our heads means to fantasize about women we actually know, rather than porn stars in a movie.) I guess those of us who use porn, do so because we'll take the most visually live aid we can get. Keep in mind that even before porn video and film, men were drawing porn, sculpting porn, photographing porn and writing porn.
    • Women are not sex objects to me. It just hit me, what at least one woman who posted really negative comments about me, is saying. She said men are getting off on women degrading themselves for our pleasure. While I'm certain there are men who do certainly get off on that, and who exhibit some unhealthy psychological behavior indicative of that, there are plenty who don't. Determining what's degrading could be trickier than you might think though. I think the real issue, in terms of healthy relationships, is how a man treats his wife, and women in general. I believe most men are capable of watching porn acts that some women would find degrading, while being completely respectful towards women in person, just as I'm certain you're all capable of watching violent movies without going out and committing violent acts. She also states her belief that I'm a bully. She's inferred quite a bit about me, based on my writing.
    • Mary, if a guy can ONLY orgasm with porn, I agree with you that he needs help for that. Don't some of you see how the only way some of you can argue about this issue is to push it to extreme examples though? I can agree with you all that the extreme cases you mention are very unhealthy and bad. But there are plenty of guys who don't live in those extremes. I'm certain plenty of guys masturbate once or twice per week and still have normal, healthy sex with their wives too. And they don't go to work hating women or thinking no woman should be their boss or any other extreme position. I can see how some guys may very well have to stay away from porn forever and start a web site to support each other in staying away from it. Alcoholics are supposed to stay away from alcohol entirely if they want to stay sober. But there are plenty people who aren't alcoholics who can handle an occasional drink without going overboard.

  • retirement hell

    Tina I so admire you for getting out , I'm not so sure about leaving him all the home comforts though . I am the same as you my husband is a good man in every other way. He held a responsible post , been a good but strict dad, and was admired and a role model for our good sons . But you want to see him now , he is a crushed man a lost man who sold his soul to the devil for a cheap thrill . There are some things in life we can't ignore and child and animal abuse are just two .

    You are better off being a lonely woman rather than a tormented one like me , I battle with this every day.Every time he sits in his silence , I wonder where he is at , and what site he's thinking about , and fighting with the urge to go back .We are fighting a losing battle against this war with filth and deprivation , but at least we can support one another .

  • Anonymous-102

    hi tina,

    you are absolutely right as far as I am concerned. You have to do what is right for you. Having piece of mind and being able to relax and feel comfortable in your own home is something that everyone deserves. Having to wonder what your partner is up to in the next room or when your asleep would drive anyone to madness, especially when its something that disgusts you. Things might be hard for you at the beginning, but you only live once, and this porn infects everything in your life, it seeps into everything, even something as simple as wathching a movie with your partner, if there is a sex scene, normally it would just have been a movie, with the influence of a partner who watches porn, it plays on your mind, wondering is he getting off to that, or is he just waiting to get his chance so he can get off when it is over, you just cant relax or be normal, because everything we assumed about our relationships was based on lies and deceit, and that leads to mistrust which in the society we live in today, porn is everywhere, so how long is long enough to put up with this in your life, it doesnt go away, I have left my partner a few days ago, and I know I will be left feeling terrible about myself for a hell of a long time to come, its not worth being with someone that can put you so low, there is no love or respect there.

    As for you stepdaughter, I get that you care for her and that is great under the circumstances, she needs a positive influence in her life, all you can do is try to stay in touch with her, and teach her to respect and honour herself, her father should be ashamed of himself, and worst case scenario if she has seen his porn, then she herself will draw her own conclusions from that, and decide what kind of a man he is, Im afraid, you cannot protect her from his issues with porn, I really hope she has not seen the content, but if she has all you can do is be open and honest with her if she ever needs you, confidence and body image is something that can be shattered by this, so the least your husband should do if he has any feelings for his daughter is to not leave it lying around or delete the history, because he obviously doesnt realise the impact this has on an adult let alone a young teenager.

    Im sorry I kind of went off on tangents there, but I suppose this is my therepy too, my heart is broken at the moment, and I feel devestated, and only for this site, I dont know where Id turn, Porn is one of those things people dont talk about, and anyway who do you tell that your life has been shattered by it, unless someone is going through it I dont think anyone would understand.

    I wish you all the luck in the world, dont go back go forward as hard and all as it will be, im sure it will get easier, it might not feel like it now, but having left, I know I feel I have some selfworth and its the first step to standing up for yourself.

  • retirement hell

    Yes happy porn watcher , you are an idiot in your own words . It's the first statement you have said whats true .

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: Despite your anger, please try to be civil.

  • Mary

    Please would you mind answering one question because I am intrigued by relationships where the woman doesn't mind the husband viewing porn?

    Your wife doesn't mind you watching porn, but do you watch it when she isn't available, (away on business or something of that nature) or else do you say to her, "my love while you are busy cooking supper (doing the washing, watching tv etc) I am just going to watch some internet porn and have a wank. Or is it more the case that she is aware you do it on occasion but you do it discreetly?

    I asked my husband how he would feel if he found a lot of pictures of well endowed naked teenage boys on my computer and I then followed it up by telling him I thought about nothing but sex all day (he told me he thinks about sex all day -he is 60!), and as we were out shopping at the time I then eyed up all the teenage boys I saw (the poor things!). He said he didn't feel comfortable about it at all. He also said that if this really was the case (happily it isn't) he would try and persuade me to get help. Double standards operating here methinks!

    You sound a well-balanced chap, but some of the ladies posting here are having a horrendous time. It is all very well defending men with daughters who view this stuff but what about the role of their wives? Would they be good responsible mothers or grandmothers if they left young girls in the company of these men? Luckily I don't have this problem, but I really feel sympathy for the ladies here who do.

    I have never had any interest in viewing porn, but having been forced to think about it in great detail recently, I decided to find out how easy it is to view the really vile stuff, and a search on google using the search term bondage produced horrendous stuff. Quite frankly any woman who stays with a man knowing he watches this stuff has a very serious self esteem problem. Do you defend viewing this stuff, and do men move on to this sort of thing after getting bored with the usual penis in every orifice type porn?

    Thank you for giving your opinions on the subject, we women do need to know what is going on in the male mind. If you are correct in your opinion that 70-80% of men view porn then women may decide marriage is a thing of the past, I know that I am moving in that direction. As a women of 55 years of age with my child rearing years behind me, and with post menopausal zest kicking in (it isn't all downhill ladies!) I quite like the idea of being single and enjoying myself with a variety of men without worrying about waiting on and pleasing one man.

  • retirement hell

    It wasn't meant to be uncivil dialogue it was his own statement , in the second line of his post .

    I am also puzzled by the fact , if he is happy with his lot , why should he be visiting a mental health website , where mainly there are females who are experiencing various degrees of pain and anger .

    I am very grateful for this website sir , as I have stated in the past . I also find solace in the postings from females like myself who are unfortunate enough to have husbands who devote all or most of their time to this kind of activity .

    And I am humble enough to apologise publicly for any offence caused , it was just a reiteration that' all.

  • Anonymous-102

    Id just like to say that I truly find you a sexist.You commented on womens stereotypes of what a so called "wanker" would be, and you mentioned you were not a builder or whatever, that you are a white collar, so basically what I "inferred" from that was that you are predgudice also, and consider yourself a class above other occupations, they were the words you chose, no woman here mentioned builders being wankers, or white collars for that matter. I also find that comment distasteful. The only occupation the majority of women on this find to be "WANKERS" is the ones that support the porn industry.

    I also find it offensive that you think all teenage girls should be exposed to your opinion that all men watch porn, and that they should accept it, I disagree that all men watch porn, not that all men masterbate, I think its a given that men masterbate, but porn is a whole other issue. If I had teenagers, I would not tell my daughter to accept a man who treats a gender as inferior sex objects, and that if she has a problem with this to repress it, and get on with things because it is just a normal part of life, because it is not, and should not be a normal part of life.

    It is toxic for both males and females, and I believe that in years to come we will see the full extent of the damage caused by this industry, to the people in it, and to the people watching it, and to the women damaged by it.

    I would also like if you would try and answer honestly to my question, Has your wife watched just male porn, with only male participants, I suppose you would call that gay porn, are you ok watching that with her, or is the porn you say you both watch strictly girl action? Have you watched men only porn with her?

    Also your relationship might not be effected by it now because you are both relatively young, so there for, might be in shape, with few wrinkles etc etc, I wonder in a few years time, when your wifes looks are gone, will she still feel the same about it, will she not feel threatened by these barely out of teenage years girls, will she not feel that you are using her body but you are having sex with these young girls, things change and time changes people, so I think you might be on the receiving end of this in a few years time, and you may not be so happy then.

    I also disagree with what you said about men having higher sex drives to women, in my opinion that is not true, If a woman is loved, and is made to feel secure and attractive in a relationship, and respected of course, then I know from experience that my drive could match that of my boyfriend anyday, but I also believe I am in a relationship with him and him only, so neither of us needs to bring anyone else into it, sexually or otherwise, and if either of us did, then there is something not working for one of us.

    I said earlier, I dont have a problem with masterbation, I do believe all men masterbate, that I think is natural for a man to do, and I also believe I cant get inside his head to figure out if he is thinking about me or someone else, so is that not fantasy enough, if men have an imagination, then is that not your space to have a fantasy, where no one gets hurt, with the visuals, comes the problem, thats when women feel inadequate, they compare them selves, and loose their confident body image, so why if females can have a fantasy in their head, then why not men, oh and to burst your bubble, females masterbate too, they are every bit as sexual as males, most of us just dont need to degrade people or our partners by watching that filth.

    All the womens comments here are justified, there feelings validated, and I sometimes wonder do you get kicks from reading their tortured stories, I believe porn is just another way of keeping women in their place, in a mans world, and it uses broken people to star in the movies, and it enables men in the real world to take advantage of women everyday, I dont think it will change anytime soon, infact I think the world has gone mad. I will say it again, if women were exposed to the kinda filth that men are exposed to, then I think you would all think very differently about it, and maybe that smile might be wiped off your face, and what we are saying might actually penetrate into that brain of yours.

    I always get annoyed when I read your comments, because I think you are the niave one, because this will blow up in your face in years to come, and I could almost gurantee your wife will feel like all these women some day, so good luck dealing with that.

  • Tina

    Hi Happy Porn watcher: reference to some of your comments : i have NO problem with my Husband 'wanking' it is the 'wanking' to porn that i find insulting to me and damaging to our relationship, Porn is fake sex, it is not making love, and us Women are not just sex objects, since i found out my Husband watches so much porn, i find our lovemaking, almost impossable to enjoy anymore, it no longer feels intimate, for i have this vision of him thinking and trying to be this 'stud' image. Doing things with me that he watches. It is also the secrecy that hurts, and the continuation of watching it when us Women find it so distastfull that has taken all the 'trust' out of our Marriage. As for letting teenage Girls know and expect Boys and Men to watch Porn is not the right thought to have, for a lot of Porn shows violent sex, do you really thinkg that 'anal' sex is enjoyable for a woman? it must be very painfull, and, let's face it most of the false sex is just using a womans body like a piece of meat for Mens enjoyment, do the women really enjoy it? they only enjoy the money. It is irresponsable as a Parent to even think that it is okay to let Teenage Girls watch or accept porn, it can really mess with their minds, it is far too explicit for young minds. Sex with someone you love should be 'making love' not cold feelingless sex as in porn, and Teenage girls should not be exposed to porn, some of the scenes are so close up and graphic, it is distaste full for me let alone a Girl that knows nothing of sex, Porn is Prostitution, not love. If your Wife is happy with you watching Porn then that is her choice, as is mine as finding it unacceptable in my life and my Step Daughters. Porn is 'cheap' 'dirty' 'cold' 'unfealing' and degrading to Women. It is very hurtful to find that my Husband carries on downloading Porn when he knew that i would end the marriage if it continued, it just shows how little he thought of me and his Daughter, all the "i have been an idiot" "i promise i won't do it again" "i love you" well. The boot on the other foot, how would you feel if your Wife choose Porn over your Marriage?

  • Mary

    Maybe happy porn watcher is right, teenage girls should be taught that some grown men (as many as 80%? - I doubt it) love porn and will not ever give up their pleasures, that way young girls will be able to know the signs to look out for and make a more informed choice as to whether to continue the relationship.

    Teenage girls should also be taught the importance of earning their own salary and never, ever relying financially on a man especially when they have babies and young children to bring up.

    Teenage boys should be taught that some women (80%? - probably) find that fully grown, adult men who sneak off to view porn are one great big turn off sexually. Sorry happy porn watcher, but even with my understanding of why adult men with loving partners wank to porn, it doesn't make them any more attractive in my eyes.

  • Chantal

    I'm a lady and not afraid to say that I watch porn. Have been married for 4 years and everything's great in the marriage. But I watch porn, but I don't see it being hurtful to my husband and I'm not doing it because he doesn't satisfy me, I literally am just more horny than he is - and that doesn't make me a slut. Everyone has fantasies and it's one way to fulfill those fantasies without going and cheating - I have never cheated on my husband and don't want to because I love him but I also love myself and that's why I let myself have these fantasies. I masturbate most times when I watch porn - I suppose that makes me a wanker LOL :). And just so you know I'm a middle class educated lady, I'm an accountant and no childhood issues so there really is no stereotype here. Everyone has different levels of sexuality, it's not up to anyone to discriminate whether you are too sexual or not sexual enough.

  • retirement hell

    I visit this site every day and find new hapless ladies who have just discovered their husbands /bfriends into porn, and feel sorry for the fake society we live in today . Women are under so much pressure to compete with all these body images . If like me you can't afford to be surgically enhanced , we don't stand a chance at keeping our mens eyes from being diverted away from us .

    Whilst some people may not think of porn as cheating on their partners, indirectly I view it as adultery of the heart . But each to their own , I suppose !

  • Mary

    It would be interesting to know if your husband also thinks everything is great in your marriage. Does he know about your porn watching habit?

    Maybe he doesn't seem as horny as you because he is getting his satisfaction from a secret porn watching habit, lol!

    Some of the women posting on here are also "wankers", we just prefer to keep our fantasies inside our heads where they can cause no hurt to the ones we love.

  • Anonymous-103

    I have been married for 10 years and aware of my husbands penchant for porn. Over the years I have found a variety of disturbing "things" on the internet in addition to his private stash. One was a listing for an escort service another was an email account with male and female "chat" partners and last but not least were nude photos of himself on his computer. Upon discussing each instance with him, he had a nice "lie" in place and/or apologized promising to not be sneaky anymore. Just recently, I discovered he has been answering Craigs List sex ads. The particular ones I found were for men. Emails asking for sex when and where to meet phone # etc. Needless to say this pushed me over the edge. When confronted, long story short, he cracked and confessed his pornography addiction. He swore he never met up with any of these "ads" and that he was merely exchanging pictures/phone sex. He feels this is not cheating as was ok. He says he is sorry and I told him he needs to see a therapist - bottom line - and he agreed. However, all this has transpired over the last 5 days. I am STILL digesting, processing and trying to cope with everything. In addition, this is not a subject you can vent to people about so I feel very isolated. This morning, I still had questions for example - if he did not actually meet up with anyone, why the "when and where"? email? He states it's part of the process/fantasy in getting pictures etc. Then he proceeded to becaome EXTREMELY agitated and proceeded to tell me HE can't live with being constantly reminded how bad he is and that if I chose to stay "in the mud" he refuses to be dragged down there with me. EXCUSE ME?? But WHO pushed me into the mud in the first place? and we are talking DAYS since my discovery. How can he feel justified in turning this on me stating I keep bringing it up when in fact in the past week all I have done is "shut down" and rarely spoke of it. I am sure I am triggering his guilt, but how are we or I for that matter going to be able to overcome this if "mums the word" and I have to cope by myself?

    I KNOW he loves me but I feel each line he drew that was accepted by me got crossed and a new one drawn. I "accepted" the porn so he felt he could push a bit further. I let the escort listings and chat friends blow over and yet another line got drawn. I forgave the nude pics and now here I am! I want to forgive this, needless to say with much therapy and time, but then what is next? I am tired of being the kind wife - I just get taken for granted. I am getting too old and life is too short.

  • Anonymous-102

    Well what can I say, all I see is the same excuses as the males make, my partner doesnt have the same sex drive as me, there is no harm caused, its not cheating, bla bla bla,

    Go on justify your sordid ways, self gratifying as usual, what your doing is not innocent, its not loyal and its certainly not love and respect,

    It reminds me of a dog that goes around humping everything they come across when they are in heat, only they dont have a choice, its instint on their part, you are a person, with the ability to make commitment, to be loyal, to be with one person, altho your just showing here, that its too much effort, so why did you get married if you just want to behave like a dog, so go on lie in the gutter, contribute to the gutter industry, treat people like objects, and if you can afford to get a sex change, go do it, and join the males, because you obviouly dont have what it takes to be a real LADY..................................

  • Anonymous-102

    SOOOooooo your a middle class educated lady, an accountant no less, would you mind explaining what this has to do with you watching porn and contributing to the porn industry, I am a bit bewildered, as I said previously as far as I am aware no LADY on this site mentioned any stereotypes about people in occupations or classes that watch porn, as I said previouosly the only problem we have is the people that watch porn and the people that support the Porn industry as a whole, so please please please can yourself and Mr happy porn watcher stop showing your predgudice about occupations, it really just makes you both look a little silly to say the least, it is of no relevance to this site. You seem to be implying that we all think that its only uneducated people that support this industry, and your enlightening us someway, get real.

    I would like to know have you told your husband that you watch porn, or are you sneaking around like the rest of the porn watchers? If your husband knows you watch it, does he watch it too? How exactly do you know its not hurting him in anyway?

    I personally dont see the reason why people like you get into a relationship, only to involve other people, that seems very fake to me. It seems pointless, how can you truly trust someone when they watch this stuff, or how can you have respect for yourself knowing what a sordid industry it is, I mean you do say your an accountant, so surely you can do the maths and understand how much cash this industry makes using and abusing people, but then some people like yourself can turn a blind eye, personally I wouldnt be able to sleep at night knowing the damage it does to people, but thats just me and just about every other female on this site.

    Well enjoy yourself so. I suppose anyone can be educated, its what you do with that education that counts, and you cant buy common sense and decency. Shame.

  • Darc

    On this day, the day after millions of women went to the polls and tallied their votes for many male candidates, I am disgusted. I have chosen to not vote, because of the very issues that are being discussed on this forum. The numerous stories of men in high political positions, helped into office partly by women, only to turn out to be incapable of personal self control disgust me. Are these candidates, are you men, really the best our culture can muster up to put in positions of power and law? The stories of prostitutes, soiled blue dresses, children born to mistresses, wives left in the lurch after years of supporting him, go on and on! And why? Because people like the Happy Porn Watcher can justify their behavior. How can one who cannot control their animalistic urges think that they should in any way be in charge of the law of this land? Or, of my household, for that matter? It is our task as human beings to strive for wholeness, not nurture our broken spirits! That's what porn does, it nurtures and encourages maladjstment. Not just in men, but also in the victims who are their partners, not to mention the women involved in the porn industry.

    I am sick of hearing the numerous stories about how he complains about her appearance. That is just a smokescreen to justify the behavior. And, then when those words cultivate insecurity in her, we hear, "I wish those women could feel more comfortable and self-secure." Excuse Me?? Do you really expect to subject her to such words, your desire to jerk off to images of other women, your absence from her bed while you're making the choice to be in the next room jerking off, and not have her self esteem affected ?? Really???!!! Really! I don't think so. I think you understand why we are hurt. I think you want us to feel lesser than you whores. Did you hear that? We feel lessor than your whores! We gave birth to your children, we cook for you, do your laundry, smile and act like the Stepford Wives when your need us to, and we FEEL lessor that your whores. Because it's there you really want to be, it's there your fantasies take you, it's there that you are instead of being present and fully accounted for in your marriage!

    I love the term a previous author used in her post. Freakin' MAN UP! Grow up and become men, and stop acting like little boys who want it all. None of us can have it all. Accepting that is just part of being an adult. We all make choices and sacrifices. If my husband told me something I was doing affected him strongly. I would stop. If I found I couldn't stop, I'd get myself some help! He doesn't have to do that for me, he just lies and hides the evidence. I know he is doing it, he knows I know. It's sickening. It's been a while since I posted here, thanks for this forum. There is no one to talk to about this stuff!

  • inquisitve

    I went upstairs one night with my one year daughter to get a diaper and in the bathroom was my husband then to my suprise i heard a womens voice. When he came out of the bathroom i asked him did you have your phone in the bathroom he said "no he did't then i asked him but thier was a womens voice in the bathroom. 20 mins later he told me that he called the porn chat line this then ended up in arguement with me telling my husband that he was unsatisfied and so rude for looking at things like that gees thought by getting married he would keep his eyes on one woman only but that hasn't worked. And from past relations the male use to look at things like this and when they use to socialize with their friends they has affairs with other women. I use to have full trust on my husband now i'm not sure because he lied to me about this he could lie to me about everything else.


  • be fair

    Being honest to yourself first and for most is the most important aspect of a decussion like this especially taken to account that both parties in the relationship have to be considered regarding thier feelings. Ok you have men watching porn you have women watching porn not everybody is perfect and yes pornagraphy is not a good thing you have men and women exposing themselves in different sexual positions. As it has been said many itmes that sex is in fact a art if your a person and you look at porn to get ideas thats fair enough but becoming an oppsessed porno and use this moves on your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend etc. this is were consideration that the other party is in fact a human being and human beings have feelings they do feel hurt both physically and mentally. Majority of the time you have a women who's man is looking at porn the women looks at him with great anticipation of wanting to know Am i good enough for you? Am i that ugly that you need to see another womens vagina? a lot questions do come to mind. Could you be the man and explain quite clearly to your partner that i just look at this women for ideas. TRY and make looking at porn more of an activity that you both could do watch it talk about it then when your both comfortable TRY it. instead of rushing the other person into having very uncomfortable sex. In life the greatest virtue of all is to have PATIENCE and with all things you really do have to have patience so in this case when it comes to having sex and wanting to have more or new sex please consider one another and if it's meant to be that you have to wait. just wait because at the end of it you will have something very special that no one can break and your trust for one another would be very strong cause you gave each other time.

  • Caroline

    I'm a middle aged woman, attractive, very sexually uninhibited, & have a great sexlife w/ my partner of 1 yr. It was discovered however, that he masturbates to pornsites of barely legal women. He explained that almost all men have their "stash", & that it means nothing to him & that it's nothing more than a visual tool for him, quickly forgotten after his happy ending. Here's my biggest dilemma: The time that a man spends viewing a naked woman (or women),whether it be for 5 mins or 50....during that time is he not focusing all his attention into 'getting into her', lusting after her, wishing that he was having sex with her, to the point that he becomes so excited by her that he has an orgasm? That being assumed, how does that then mean "nothing"? Few women lust after endless males that way in their mind, because most of us require some type of emotional or mental attraction that comes only thru knowing them (at least a little bit.) So sincerely, how do we (or WHY SHOULD WE) accept that men are constantly wishing they could screw every attractive female that they eyeball? Put yourselves in our place. Would you find the same behavior acceptable?

  • Happy Porn Watcher

    Who said anything about letting teens watch porn? I didn't. You may disagree with my belief based on personal experience/observation, but if you accept that A WHOLE LOT of guys masturbate to porn and don't feel there's anything wrong with it, it might be a good idea to let young women know that reality so that they can be prepared for it - whether they plan to accept men who do that, or not. If they think only a small minority of men do that, then they may not be looking out for that as a potential problem. BTW, I agree that boys should be taught these things too. They should know that some women will find that practice detestable and to be upfront with them to save both parties heartache later.

    Just because your husband continues to watch porn against your wishes doesn't necessarily mean he thinks little of you and his daughter. When you combine the likelihood that HE personally sees nothing wrong with it and he's been masturbating (possibly with some visual aid) probably since at least age 10 and the strong sex drive a lot of men (note I didn't say all men) have due to having way more testosterone, the odds are probably against the likelihood of him stopping forever. It may have very little to do with you. You ever tried to stop doing anything that was bad for you (I'm not saying masturbating to porn is bad for anyone), like overeating or smoking or just eating sweets? How'd that work out for you? People do things that hurt themselves or others all the time and are often fairly powerless to stop - even when they actually want to stop and acknowledge it's harmful. How much harder might it be to stop something someone else wants you to stop, but you don't actually think is bad?

  • Lisa

    I have a really good husband - he he the best man i could ever find.We have great sexual life, are always honest to each love, always up for the experiments, energetic ones.. and we love each other a lot.

    I know that my husband went to the prostitues before he met me, and he didnt have steady relationship. i know that he watches porn and i dont mind. we can watch porn together, or watches it alone in the toilet. guess there is some super secret energy there:)

    But i faced with another problem and its difficult for me to deal with it.I found out that he is looking though the prostitutas web-sites, where there is a list of girls with prices in the country where we live in. There was like 5 different web-sites with these girls. I would understand if it was porn, but not...i asked him to explain me...he did - like he is faithful, but needs to look at that because then he has a free choice and at the end he chooses me...awesome - i thought. and then - the next day, after all the discussion, though it wasnt a fight or smth...i saw that today again.. new web-sites with girls, prostitutes...may someone alse faced with that?how should I react?i am patient and now he is faithful, but....

  • Mary

    "People do things that hurt themselves or others all the time and are often fairly powerless to stop - even when they actually want to stop and acknowledge it's harmful. How much harder might it be to stop something someone else wants you to stop, but you don't actually think is bad?"

    Is this the nearest we will get to an admission that you are addict to porn?? lol!

  • Allan N. Schwartz

    The problem you are overlooking is that, when there are children in the house hold, there is always a good likelihood they will use the computer that is being used for porn. It not difficult for kids to disover what a dad or mom have been viewing. In fact, it happens all the time and it is not a good thing.

    You also overlook the fact that marriage brings with it intimacy and mutual respect. If a husband wants to masturbate, why not involve his wife in it?? Marital intimacy is shared, as with many other things in marriage.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • caroline

    Sorry kiddo but the writing's on the wall. No man just "looks" at websites with prostitutes & their phone numbers & prices unless they are searching for that type of thing! If your husband is really faithful at this point Im betting he's seriously thinking about it!

  • retirement hell

    Oh ladies I am struggling soooo much with this subject and thank you to the regulars on this site like mary , tina, laura, for your posts. To all the other ladies out there ,if you have a gut feeling something is not quite right in your relationship don't ignore it . I ignored my instincts , thinking that my husband wouldn't go to those depths of deprivation of really hard core porn .

    He keeps living in the hope that one day I will wake up and feel differently about all what he's done to me and our marriage will become good again . But ladies I can tell you ,this has cut me too deep and all my love and respect , and trust has gone and will never come back .

    So ladies don't ignore the signs it could be your man , I never thought it could be mine .

  • -V-

    I,m really trying to understand what goes through a mans mind when he is watching porn and very aware that their partner gets hurt every time. My boyfriend of almost 2 yrs just moved in, so i found out pretty quick of his dirty little secret (what he calls it). I pretty much broke down, I always feel horrible inside. I feel like i have been cheated on. His response is that he has always been that way, it makes him get off faster. Like that is supposed to make me feel better! I have always known he watched porn in his past, but I didn't know he "wanked" it almost every time I went to work (to porn).

    I do know that when he is watching it, I have nothing to do with it. It's not about me. He was molested as a young boy by 3 different people. So sad, but is this a good excuse for him? I find it so ironic that they turn to this. We do have sex, but not much. He says that we're not having sex because we're not getting along right now and porn has nothing to do with it. But, I doubt it.

    Everyone gets a little turned on by the act of sex, I can only hope thats as far as it goes for him and not wishing it was him inside of her. I know he is not on it for long, but it still hurts. I love him a lot because he is a great guy. But if the stars are not in line, the likelihood of sex is not in my favor. He says I push him away with all the shit I talk about this. Also, he hates this site because he says I get all riled up and upset all over again. I actually forwarded a message to him that someone wrote who explained it so well. We talked, and he said he was going to make an effort to stop. Well it only took 5 days for me to bust him!!

    So, where are we now, we're trying to work it out. He says he wants to stop, he says, its not realistic of him to make any promises. I need to fix some stuff about myself and so does he. He is going to try and limit his porn. It is the worst feeling when I leave to work because I know what he is going to do. He says they are just urges, but funny how the urges come after I leave to work.

    He doesn't watch young girls or anything like that. He has mentioned to me that he doesn't like when the girl looks like shes in pain or when she gets a "Face shot", but whatever.

    Thank you for all your posts, I look forward to them daily, even yours Happy Porn Watcher.

  • Trying to be "The Good Wife"

    I’ve been with my husband for 12 years since I was 19, married for 5 of those and mother to our 1 and 2.5 year old boys. I’m 31 years old and had to deal with porn on and off for the 12 years we’ve been together. These postings have been very helpful as I’ve kept this private from our friends and family and found comfort in identifying with a lot of women in how hurtful and a destructive force this can be in a marriage. So I thought that maybe I could give hope or support to other women by posting this.

    Having an IT expert as a husband, I had to do a lot of research in how I could keep taps on this. As his aggressive behaviour, excessive swearing and withholding sex was always signs for me to start looking for prove again. Later I noticed that during the times he was heavy into the porn, he would bring a lot of negative energy into our relationship, probably the guild and shameful feelings and maybe that he can feel his actions was justified if we were disagreeing a lot.

    I hated the fact that I had to feel insecure and suspicious so often, and why is it was so difficult for him to give this up. After many discussions with him about this I have realised just how different men and women think and feel about sex, and that there is a lot of misconception on both sides, but both men and women wants to feel wanted and loved. I asked my husband that if he could spend as much time and energy in trying to improve our sexual relationship as he had spent on porn, we could have great sex. I realised that he was so shy about taking about sex, that he felt more comfortable in retreating to his dark and secret sexual behaviour that excluded me. Women are just more skilled to verbalize their feelings, and get it out there, where men tent to suppress it more.

    After chatting about it over a period of time we realised, both of us wanted more sex, both of us masturbated, both of us want more excitement in the bedroom, both needed more physical connection, both had great sex drives and both was willing, but we just never discussed what we need and want from each other, and was approaching each other in the wrong way. As soon as we started to understand what we need to do to keep plugged in to each other to keep the sex flowing, things started to change slowly, with some setbacks along the way, and still a continuing process.

    I have gone far and out in trying to supporting my husband and going to measures that I would never have considered and on the other hand fighting this destruction in order for us to have a great sexual relationship with I knew we could have and that it would benefit us both. The main fact with I’ve come to realise is that men can’t communicate and plug in if they’re sexual needs aren’t being met, and on the back flip, a women can’t have sex if she doesn’t communicate and feel loved and wanted.

    I couldn’t accept that this would end our marriage and cause me heartbreak and mistrust of all men. So I fought back! I read a lot of info from sex therapists, I got a lot of decent instructional sex dvds, I ordered sex toys and other goodies, started to schedule time to have foreplay and sex and started asking what feels good and what my husband’s needs and preferences where. Funny enough there were a lot of tricks, spots and techniques we never knew about that really improved our intimacy.

    This all come together over many disagreement, hours of talking to get our love as priority number one. I’ve been through all the stages of being shocked every time that I get proof of his porn use, anger in his lies when I confronted him, hurt in the fact that I felt so lonely and unloved through my pregnancies and all the rejected and hurtful feelings that goes along with it, followed by anger, followed by confusion if I should leave, or should I just not care about what he does? But then I always think, I want to keep our family together, I need a dad for my boys, and I need to have a great sexual relationship, and I deserve to be loved by my husband. Now my sexual confidence was destroyed and it really still takes a lot of work to work through all the hurt.

    I don’t agree with the fact that many people are off the opinion that men needs more sex than women. If I have to write on a paper how often I would need sex, I’ll probably say 4 times a week and sure my husband would say less. I’ve tried to explain to him that women have a great need and also loves sex, but we are just put together differently. If I spend my day changing nappies and caring and playing with my toddlers and doing housework and cooking, I get no sexual energy from that, and when my husband spends time during his day watching porn and getting horny from that, so later he expects to just jump on me, and I have to feel sexy and ready in seconds. That just doesn’t work.

    Women need to be reminded of sex to get into it. Even if it takes a few glasses of champagne just to get relaxed and just to get all the stuff off your mind all women always have buzzing around in your head. Just to be 100% present and conscious during time out with your husband, you can really receive pleasure, and stop seeing it as just another job you need to perform. Women are more loyal in nature and would always consider not hurting our partner’s ego’s in looking at other naked men, or not letting him feel great about he has to offer. A man however is just more selfish sexually, and has that inner uncontrollable urge for sex. So they are always ready for sex and when approaching us and not getting the immediate response they would expect, their ego’s take a plunge and they think it’s easier to masturbate and remove themselves out of the sexual relationship and start to say my wife doesn’t need or like sex and she would approach me if she needs sex. So if you share your bed with a man that gets his satisfaction from images online and masturbation, there is so sexdrive left to make any effort to initiate sex with his wife.

    I think there is space for masturbation in any relationship, even if it is incorporating it into sex, but turning away from your partner and getting sexual stimulation from somewhere else would just almost always cause a lot of hurt and problems. If a couple can turn that negative energy spent coping with porn into improving their sexual relationship, great things can happen. I still struggle with the hurt and negative thoughts in my head, bad body image, and really letting go during sex, stop thinking that my husband is comparing me with those edited photos, sometimes wondering if he is performing the fantasies he has with other women on me. There is still a long way to go into really giving a world class blow job and really showing my husband that I really let go and enjoy the pleasure he is giving me, but it’s worth the effort. What is the alternative, hating each other, distrust, two unsatisfied and lonely people on the way to a divorce?

    I found internet searches on his work laptop again this week, so the fight continues for him to get it and stop sabotaging himself in having a great sex life. So my advice would be if you love your man, fight back and expect bad days with anger, and keep your tabs on him to help him escape this addiction which is stealing both your happiness. In a few years’ time we as parent would have to teach our children on sexual education, so there is still time for us to figure it out to keep them from making the same mistakes. Sex should be the greatest part of a relationship and marriage and people should stop destroying this intimate trust and love between partners.

  • Anonymous-102

    I completely agree with a statement a wise woman made on here, that if men are to continue with this porn over real people, and if there are as many females out there that detest porn as much we seem to, then relationships will be a thing of the past. The reason being, that the reason people get into relationships in the first people, is because of the intimacy they have with that one person, their partner, love and respect, but they all seem to be a thing of the past now, how can you have intimacy when it is just reduced to sex, with out the love and feeling of intimacy, it just wont work, and I also think that females will start to see this more and more, and in the end will just not bother, everything will become just about sex, females may indeed use men the way they use us, only having sex when it suits them, because what is the point in relationships when they are one sided, its a case of men can do what they like, apparently they think they can have it all, but life doesnt work like that, when you get married, I think the words used are "forsaking all others" not Im gonna cyber F##K everyone I can, and there is nothing you can do about it, oh and I dont care how you feel about it or how it makes you feel about yourself, infact im just going to watch you become a shadow of yourself, with all the worry, and get kicks from that too,

    so no I really think females may as well give up on relationships, just no strings sex like the lads, or better still, abstain all together with the lads, they obviously dont need real people to make love with so we could all just go out and buy big dildos and please ourselves, and just let the human race die out completely, because in effect that is what the males are causeing us women to feel, and i no for one, im not far off, so I think since I am getting nothing from my relationship, same rules are gonna apply for me, so I will just please my self also, and Ill have my fantasy about having a relationship, but it is just that a fantasy, because i will never get in one again.

  • Enlightened

    I just want to thank you for ALL of your posts. I have to tell you, I have been battling with this with my partner for over a year, and it is more devastating to me than anything else in my life... but reading your well thought out posts, your sincere effort to explain the male species, has absolutely enlightened me, and has lifted this weight off my chest that nothing up to now has been able to.

    I know where all the ladies on here are coming from. I hate that this is an issue for me, and for all of you. I read your posts and see the anger, betrayal, frustration, devastation just seep from every word. And I get it all, because I have lived it.

    I keep flipping back and forth wondering why it's the woman who has to deal with it, or learn to accept it, or try to change themselves to be more satisfying... but I don't think it's really about that. I think that we each have a choice. Stay if we love him, and learn and grow together, but with complete honesty. No more secrets. The other option is to leave. If you cannot accept it, and you realize he won't stop, then the ball is in your court. But look at all of the parts of him. Every last one. All the wonderful things he represents, all of the beautiful memories you have, and decide which you are willing to remove to make yourself feel better. Him and all of his wonderful things, or him because of porn.

    I can tell you i have battled with that very question, and more often then not i wanted to leave because of the porn. Happy Porn Watcher, you have enlightened me. I knew, even before, that I have some wicked self esteem issues, some of which stem from the porn, and other things that have happened to me in the past. But i finally see that what I needed was someone to truly take the time to explain, in such detail as you did, what I could never understand.

    Thank you, Happy Porn Watcher!!! I wish I could give you a huge hug. And listen - if you have helped ONE person in all of your efforts, then that's all you can ask, isn't it?

    Thank you thank you!

  • retirement hell

    Vaginas ladies I kid you not . He had downloaded a whole pageful of them . Women with legs akimbo , every kind shaved , designer vaginas the works . I was gobsmacked . I'm not talking about a young man here , who's just fumbling about , and still working out what it's all about , he's a 64 yr old grandad of 6 who's old enough to know better , he should be so over it .

    I have the added pressure of him watching teen porn , I have 3 grand daughters. It is very worrying , although I know he would never touch them inapropiately , I worry what he might be thinking about as their development goes on .

    As far as I'm concerned he has crossed a forbiden line .I have coped with all the other stuff but this has mashed my head up . I also found stuff with titles like meatholes which refer to a womans vagina and anus , also lolitas these were downloading on the laptop the kids use , how disgusting is this?

    I really loved this man ( note past tense ) I would have walked through fire for him ,now all I do is cry every day.I feel bereaved because I have lost something precious to me - my marriage and the man I once loved .

    Thanks to all those who post on here.

  • A Ramble

    I think Happy Porn Watcher may not be as happy as he thinks. I doubt your wife really knows how often you look at pornography or would be happy about finding the evidence. I had pornography seep into my relationship, and it is incredibly embarrassing to admit that it effected not only our sex lives, but our interactions with each other and the time my man spent with our family. I used to watch porn with my man and have sex, but after we had our second, he seemed more interested in doing it all by himself. Our sex life was pretty much nonexistent. He had erectile issues when we would try, so after awhile, I was really frustrated. At first, I took it really personally. But, after thinking upon it, I really found my center. I do not want pornography to be a part of my relationship. I realize that every relationship is different, and to each their own, but I want something that is really going to last for the long haul. I want trust. I want comfort. If my man would not stop viewing pornography and try to put into our relationship what we both knew was lacking, then I would not stay. It has been almost a year now, but we have really worked on it. At first, I would still get angry sometimes and just almost want to punch him. At the time, though, we really did have a lot going on, and he was not holding up his end of the deal in our family and our relationship. Instead, he retreated and looked at porn. That in itself I thought was so ridiculous. I was so angry that I almost cheated on him, but I've never been a cheater, and I thought that would be a hasty way to end it. It has taken quite a while, and we are still not 100%, but our relationship has been improved so much by this experience, as incredible as that may seem. We have been more open with each other. I used to try to encourage him to do things, and he was kinds shy about doing what he really wanted to, but now we're both getting into the hang of it. We have been having the most incredible sex. And I don't mean just "making love", but the whole facet. Yes, sometimes we're tired, and it takes a little more foreplay to get going (he actually likes more foreplay than I do). Other times, we're so ready by the time the kids go to bed, that we are racing to the bedroom. I just don't think that it's possible, despite what a lot of the other men try to say on here, to have something truly connected and truly intimate in today's day in age if you have to constantly wonder about what your man is doing. I don't believe it's fair. I also don't agree with some of the women on here that try to make it seem like they have never been aroused by another person. I am a woman. I notice when a man is very attractive, and I know I have had a couple of times meeting a person with my man when a blush has spread over my face. I have heard some people (not on this forum) be offended that their significant other does not think about them during masturbation. I would NEVER tell him this, but I don't think about him all that much during masturbation. I would never want him to ask me about it, and I will never ask him. It is natural for your mind to wander somewhat, but someone put it perfectly on here when they said to keep it in the imagination where it can't hurt anyone's feelings. We wonder why only 50% of marriages last today, and it's because we (male and female) alike are taught to just throw in the towel. Men are taught they can have whomever they like and should try to have whomever they like from a young age. Because men are attracted to us, women are made to feel that it is somewhat our fault that men want sex from us (even though we want it too). As a woman, many claim sexual liberation is pornography, and I don't agree with that either. I think sexual liberation is feeling comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. I don't think sexual liberation is flashing your boobs to every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there. And I don't think it's completely ridiculous to expect your man not to try to see every naked woman online just because she posts some pictures of herself. You have to save some for your relationship, or you won't have one. This was supposed to be somewhat short, and it became long and rambling, and I have to apologize for that, but I really enjoy all the shared feelings on here. I feel so close to you all in just reading your similar experiences and that we're all going through this together. Don't believe men just do it, because if it makes this many women feel badly about their relationships, then there is something wrong with it! Why is that never addressed?

  • Tina

    Dear 'Happy Porn Watcher' A stated in my comments about Porn, my main worries are my StepDaughter seeing the content when she uses her Dad's Laptop, my Husband should not put himself or indeed ME in the position whereas she could see the Porn, i was not just thinking of myself, or his Daughter,i was thinking of him for if his Ex got 'wind' of it he could indeed loose access to his Daughter, which would be punishing his Daughter for his habit. In my mind how can Porn come before your Family? Yes, i have had trouble giving up certain things in my life, but, if i knew it was hurting the person i loved then i would do anything to avoid that hurt. There is also the fact that there are Women who are young enough to be his Daughter in the Films. I also have Grand Daughters, and because of his 'habit' i find myself watching him to see if he is 'watching' them and when he is playfull with them i find myself watching where he puts his hands, these are things that i would not even think of doing before i found out about the Porn, so his problem becomes my problem, i have never checked up on my Husband before this, again i find mysef doing just that, i do not like myself for it and it has made me a different person, again, his problem has turned around and become mine!, We all have issues, reasons for feeling the way we do, i have had 'trust' issues in previous relationships, which makes finding this harder to deal with. As i said before, your Wife and you are happy with what you do in your life, that is fine for you, and i am glad that you can be so open and honest with each other. I may add, that my Step Daughter already has issues with her self image, and she hates her body, i worry that she may have seen some things that have made her feel that way, for she is a beautiful Girl with a lovely figure. But i cannot ask her what i fear, can i? I had what i thought was a good relationship, how wrong could i have been, in truth you never really know someone do you? My Husband has since asked me to try again and yet again promised not to watch so, all you Men and Women out there what do you think the chances are?? oh and he tells me he did not watch it in our lounge, but, the bedroom, well that makes me feel a hell of a lot better.........NOT...........

  • Anonymous-104

    This is interesting. I have a problem accepting such an open forum when there are so many different variables involved with each addicts problems.

    As much as these ladies have been hurt (and I'm sure they have been), men do have a sex drive, which does not justify violence, gay sex, or over"wanking," but wanking is different and essential for men.

    Needless to say, sex is different for men. Women need to understand this as well and not project their own views of love and sex on their husbands. Perhaps, the female world will never really be able to comprehend just how a man can separate sex with love, and this will always make women sick. I am aware that emotions turn girls on, and often it seems that women think that only emotions will turn myself on. (Think of this as the fallacy where a girl reads a boy a poem to win him over--obviously, it's usually the other way around.)

    This is coming from a young conservative Christian male about to graduate college with a degree in psychology and philosophy who has both looked at porn, know great guys that have, and have healthy relationships with women.

    I respect women and see the perspectives on feeling violated, but the sex drive is completely different. Much is to blame on culture, and I would definitely advocate limits to pornography--limits that many husbands on this sight have definitely violated. However, men are often turned on by women in general, as a universal category female ladies, don't take it personal, I know the world of women is a comparison stricken sphere, especially with capitalistic consumerism and meritocracy thrown on top. You are beautiful enough be happy to know porn is not about beauty. I bet your man does not remember their faces anyway he loves yours, but this is something nature has plagued him with (sex drive, I mean). I'm not justifying any overly perverse actions, but I am somewhat justifying sexual experimentation or masturbation. Masturbation is also different because we have our genitals exposed and orgasms that are more easily attained, release more dopamine, and are connected to our psychosocial health as capable males.

    Dear ladies, I urge you to realize that men find fulfillment in different ways than women, not just sexually, but also existentially. Please do not take your partner's "secret" habits personal.

    AGAIN: Do not take your lover's sex addiction personal. It probably came before you, as he hit puberty before he found you. And he did in fact find you because you are not dime a dozen. (That's why he is still with you after all).

  • retirement hell

    Tina , I have the same issues Beware . See my post nov 6th .

    And on behalf of all the normal women out there I might add , Of course he loves me mr normal man . Why shouldn't he love me ? He has had sex on tap (but most of the time he has pleasured his self) I cook his meals , I iron his clothes and put them away for him , I shop for his food, and I have washed the sperm stained sheets he's soiled . Why shouldn't he love me ?

    I'll tell you why ! because I am past my sell by date , and I have not got the super fit body I used to have.

    Perhaps the small minority of ladies who don't have issues with porn are still young .The problems start when you reach 50 something and everything starts going south eg:-breasts bottoms stomachs ect. Maybe when you can't get his attention anymore , away from a computer screen , you might have a different view , and understand what we ladies who are over the hill feel like .

  • Anonymous-102


    I see you have still chosen not to answer my questions. I have asked you three times now, because i'd like to get an idea of what is acceptable porn for you and your wife.

    I will ask you one more time in the hope that I in someway will be able to understand males better.

    Do you watch male only porn with your wife? Does she watch male only porn. I am assuming that because she is married to you that she would watch male only porn as she does not appear to be a homosexual, so I would assume it would be male only porn that would turn her on.

    I suppose what I am trying to understand here, is it double standards operating in your relationship, does your wife watch female only porn with you, and tells you she is fine with it, or if you do watch male only porn with her, then do you find that off putting, or offensive, or can you get turned on, because more than anything, I am really trying to understand how your relationship works, if male only porn is off putting for you which by the way I again am assuming it is, then dont you think that all girl action might be the same for her.

    I would really appreciate if you took the time to answer my question this time, and somehow give me an understanding of a relationship that works with porn present, but to understand I have to understand what kind of porn works for you both.

    I would also like to know what would happen if your wife decided that she didnt want you watching porn anymore, that she wanted it to be just about yourself and her, would you or could you give it up, would you be able to give it up?

    Would you be able to put your marriage first, and leave all the lovely ladies on screen behind, for the sake of making your wife happy and saving your marriage.

    I hope that you will never be put in this position, but I would like you to think about it, and give us women on this site an honest answer as to what you might think would be your choice, because I would imagine that it is difficult for you to understand our side, when it doesnt appear to be a problem in your marriage, but most of the women on this site, their husbands or boyfriends chose porn over their relationships, can you honestly say, put in the same positon, that you would give it up completely?

  • laura

    I have read all your posts, and I can see that this has effected you greatly. You should be at a time of your life when you can relax, your working years behind you, and enjoy yourself with your husband, and enjoy each others company, and instead you are devestated and disgusted understandably.

    This is just my opinion, I dont think you should go back to him, if he is capable of hurting you so much, and has a habit that disgusts you so much, and he obviously wont change, then why put yourself in that situation again.

    I am in my thirties, and have gone through a similar situation. I have all the same feelings, and I have to admit most of them are of anger, and frustration at the moment, obviouly I feel hurt, but anger and I would even say bitterness for having wasted so much of my younger years with this person, and I resent that because I cannot get them back.

    I have thought so much about this, and the only thing I can say to you is do not let it take over your life completley. I over the last week have felt consumed with this, well not just the last week if I am honest, and it makes me feel worse, because I bet he has had his porn to turn to, but this site has helped me understand that I am not alone in what I feel.

    You may be retired, but your life is not over, you seem to be an intelligent lady, with a good understanding of what you will accept and what you will not. Start living for yourself, do things that you would never have thought of doing before, dont let this consume you, dont let the bitterness take over, then he has won, you are worth far more than that. Turn to your friends, even if you dont tell them the real reasons you are hurting, spend more time with them, go to the cinema, read books, let yourself heel, and be true to yourself. Try and move on.

    I have turned to this site over the past few weeks, and I have realised, it has almost become a habit with me, but I also think it is stopping me from moving on, it is keeping the anger and disgust inside me alive, so I have decided to let it go, to try and get on with mylife too, all your stories has helped me so much, but I have to put it to bed, it is in my head constantly, and I need to be free of the hurt and anger too, and reading all of your stories just reinforces my disgust at porn, so If I never hear that word again, it would be too soon.

    I am off relationships for good, this has really effected me, and I think scared me a bit too, to think that most men do this, it would mean for me that I could never be happy in a relationship being treated like a second class citizen, so thats it, it would nearly be impossible for me to trust again after what iv been through, so I suppose Im damaged goods in that respect, so the only thing I am concerned with from now on, is trying to feel human again, heeling myself, and enjoying all the things i did before I got into this toxic lifestyle.

    Good luck, and I hope you will find some piece, but for both of us I think, there comes a point when we have to put the anger to oneside and try and move on, its just not healthy.

    So ladies this is my last post, thank you all so much for your comments, I think we are fighting a loosing battle on porn, but the least we can do is have respect for ourselves, and if any of you have children then bring them up to have respect for themselves, tomoro is the first day of the rest of my life.

  • Selfish mistakes

    Speaking as someone who has had their relationship destroyed by pornography. All I can do is offer a warning and maybe some advice to anyone that still believes it is victimless and won’t cause any harm to you or your partner . Over the last few years a combination of naivety and down right selfishness seen me take something that doesn’t happen very often and smash it to pieces.
    I loved some one and for reason they loved me too.

    I had looked at it since I was a teenager. To me there wasn’t a problem.The first time I ever came was looking at something so I never thought any different thats just how it was for me. I never looked at anything I would consider unusual or dodgy. Certainly I was never into anyone being abused or mistreated in any way. These people were actors and in my mind they were consenting adults so I didn’t think any one was getting hurt. From a young age we are all aware that ‘porn stars’ exist and you don’t hear many people comment on it. To me it was a non issue and I never thought about it much.

    Fast forward a few years and I am in a relationship, and what I thought was a very happy one.
    I had had relationships before but from the very beginning I just knew there was something different.
    We just clicked in a million different ways and I still find it hard to describe but all I know is that she always makes me feel so good just by being around her and it just felt ‘right’. Then after a while she learned that I watched porn, not a huge problem at first but it would be the first sparks in a bushfire that would ruin everything we had.

    We had looked at porn together on her suggestion previously but it was when she found out I would look at it on my own that things started to cause trouble. At first we didn’t understand each other, I thought that everyone did it and it was normal. She thought it was unacceptable in a relationship and not right that I should do it behind her back. I did not understand why she should compare herself when it was nothing to with her. I was happy with her and to this day I consider myself lucky that she had even given me a second look all they way back then. I never wanted any one else or her to be like any else. I was just doing whatever I was doing and didn’t see the harm because I thought it was just about me and I didn’t understand why she would feel threatened by it when I thought she knew I loved her. How wrong I was...

    But if I loved her why couldn’t I stop when she wanted me to ?
    I still figure out the answer to that one but if there was anything I could change about my life it would be that I listened to her and put the computer down. It snowballed in to this massive problemwhen it never was before, I didn’t spend the day think about the next time, thinking about sex thinking about masturbation but I was now a pervert, a dog, a sick bastard. I made her sick. But that’s not what I thought I was….I don’t know what I am but is not that. I cant describe it, I don’t know what I was thinking or why I would do it. It was never about the girls on screen, just that quick feeling but more often then not I just felt down. I didn’t want to hurt her but I was compelled towards masturbating . I couldn’t control myself and and we fought constantly.

    And it seeped in everywhere, everyday.

    Do you know who hard it is to have a normal life when there a images and sleezy comments everywhere. The next fight was never far away and we both knew it. Always on eggshells. Even if I didn’t look at porn I was always treated as guilty.
    It was my fault something was on a billboard or the side of a bus. My fault when an ad flashed up on tv. She would behave normal if I wasn't there but if I was around to see something the fighting would start and all the old stories would come back to haunt me. I was never getting off on any of this it just ment another fight to me.
    I accepted It was my fault that we were even fighting in the first place but this didn’t help and I always went back to it and was always found out and the cycle would start again.

    This just went on and on until one day she left. That was it. I had my chances and I didn’t take them.
    Gone from my life for good and all because of some poxy pictures on the internet. These people meant nothing to me and they were harming me and the person that was supposed to mean everything.

    Shes gone now and I will probably never see her again. No one to blame but myself

  • Anonymous-105

    i am so sick of my boyfriend and his porn.. i just dont no what to do any more.. the first night i caught him was so hurtful and there has been more then a few times i have almost got up and left him because of this... i hate when i have to go to work when he is home because i no what hes going to do and i cant get the thought out of my head and it frustrates me so much i cant even leave the house for more than an hour with friends because i cant trust him to be home alone or its right to the porn.. it makes me feel like he is cheating on me and it hurts me so much.. he has lowered the number of his porn but its still there and it hurts so much and i wish he could just understand how much it actually hurts.. he had told me he had stoped but he didnt.. so then hes hurting me more by lieing to me.. i just dont no what to do..

  • Happy Porn Watcher

    Sorry I never responded about this before. My wife hasn't watched porn with me in a long time, due to inconvenience. Back when she did, it was either before we had kids or when we only had a very young son who wouldn't catch us. We have only one TV in the house, in a central location, and used to watch on it. The circumstance for both of us to watch was always me wanting sex and her not being much in the mood, so she'd suggest me turning on some kind of porn so she could get more in the mood. She prefers softer porn than I do. By soft, I mean no explicit penetration being shown, although we usually ended up watching the more hard-core stuff because that's what I owned before we got married - this was back before I knew there was all sorts of free porn on the internet. Our kids are now old enough that we could never watch such things on the TV. These days, if I ask and she's not quite in the mood, either I go without or she gives me a chance to get her in the mood the old-fashioned way.

    When we have watched together, it's always been straight, hetero porn. That's my preference and hers as well. I'm not too crazy about lesbian porn for me. With the exception of a few I've seen, I just don't find them very interesting. She's never asked me to show her male gay porn but judging by how she reacted to "Broke Back Mountain", I'm doubting she'd want to watch it for anything other than a curiosity. If she did want to watch porn of any kind, such as male gay porn, regularly, without me, as long as she gave priority to my sexual needs first, I can't imagine why I'd mind. As I've stated before, there's NEVER been a case in 15 or so years together, almost 13 married, that she's wanted sex and I didn't. That just isn't going to happen for the foreseeable future - I'm always ready to go :-)! If that ever happened, and I was spent because I'd already masturbated, I'd feel VERY bad and have to rethink how I work things out. Now I don't know if I'm typical in terms of my sex drive or not. I've always suspected I might be a little hornier than the average guy (or maybe a lot hornier), but I really don't know for certain. In the case of my relationship with my wife, I can say unequivocally, there's no way on Earth she could feel undesired by me thus far. I'm always chasing after her, always jokingly complaining that I don't get enough of her (I don't just mean sexually). It's probably good that she's more reserved than I or we'd probably have about 1 million kids by now LOL!

    If she suddenly decided she didn't want me watching porn anymore, it sure as heck wouldn't be because she didn't feel desired. I'm not the sexual regulator in our marriage. I'm ALWAYS ready to go. If it really bothered her, we might be able to make it work if she could be able to be sexually available for me at those times that I might otherwise have watched porn instead. The problem though, is that I currently watch porn primarily due to her unavailability at those times. I don't see her being able to match me in the sex-drive area - but she's certainly welcome to try :-) (although we'd never get anything done). Her becoming much more available wouldn't get me all the way over wanting to watch porn though. There's also the matter of sexual variety, which I currently satisfy via porn as well. The best I think that could be done there, would be to watch it with her. It could be kinky, but it would take some getting used to, and I don't know if that would completely satisfy - I'm not saying it wouldn't, but I honestly don't know. I'm afraid I'd be more reserved in what I wanted to watch with her, and if I'm holding back at all, that would leave an opening for me to sneak and watch other stuff behind her back. Even though she knows I watch porn from time to time, she doesn't ask anything about what kind. I think it's because she recognizes it's a personal thing and I don't allow it to interfere in our sex life, she certainly comes first (oh... no pun intended). I don't request that we try weird things, causing her to be suspicious of what I'm watching. Thankfully, I don't desire to do anything weird that I've seen in porn. I'm not convinced that every single minute detail of a person's life MUST be shared with a spouse, even in marriage. She knows I watch porn, she's watched some of the old tapes I used to have when we got married, but I don't know that she needs a detailed list of every sexual act I've ever enjoyed watching. If she pressed me though, and somehow made me feel that I didn't have to be embarrassed (she likes to tease about the amount of time I spend in the bathroom lol), I'd show her everything. Let's face it, guys watch some pretty embarrassing, weird porn. We joke about it ourselves. One lady just posted this weekend that she found her husband had been looking at assorted pictures of vaginas. Obviously, she couldn't even begin to understand why, and that's possibly one of many reasons he'd never have let her know about it. Even he probably doesn't know why (that's one of the few times men's logic circuits completely shut down). She was under some strange impression that at the age of 65 or whatever, he should've outgrown that sort of infatuation. It's almost hilarious to me that some women think they know what sexual behavior is normal for men at any given point. Based on what? It's not like we come with an instruction manual (please, no comments on any religious documents because we don't all universally agree on their veracity or efficacy).

    I was asked if I'd be willing to make my wife happy by refraining from watching porn ever again. I don't believe a spouse has to automatically do whatever their mate says will make them happy. Some requests are reasonable and some just aren't. I've explained in the paragraph above that I'd be willing to try some concessions and see how they'd go, but I suspect the conditions I'd have to put in place, on her, would not be very realistic. If she's asking me to change my behavior based on erroneous assumptions on her part, that's not a good basis for me making those changes. Rather than me changing, I'd prefer that she be made to understand her assumptions are incorrect. It's like a guy who doesn't want his wife to work and forbids her from doing so and sees her working as an affront to their marriage. Now, she could just roll over and concede to his irrational fears. But let's say the deep-seeded reason he doesn't want her working is because he's afraid she'd become completely financially independent and leave him at the first chance she gets. If he could be made to understand that's not her reason for wanting to work and that it's a totally unfounded belief, she shouldn't need to give up her dream of working and he should hopefully become ok with it. So, I'm just saying, not every request to do something, or not do something in a marriage, is a legitimate one. Some of you may want your husband to stop watching porn because he's not available to you anymore, while others of you may want him to stop because you're assuming it means things that it may not mean, like he's comparing you to the fake women, or that he wants to do all sorts of really weird things with/to you, or even that he's thinking about those porn women while you're having sex.

    By the way, to the lady whose husband was looking at the vaginas, and any other women to whom this may apply: if you're really sick of him sneaking around behind your back and lying to you, the very best way to insure that he continues to sneak around and lie to you, is to let him know the porn he watches is sick and disgusting and made for sexual deviants. That should really bring about the desired effect.

  • Anonymous-106

    I think this topic is so different for every person and indeed every relationship and that is what makes is so hard to generalize on it. I never really minded porn in my previous relationships. I knew my boyfriends would look at it, but I have a really big sex drive, I am very kinky, and I never felt like I took a backseat to pornography. In my relationship now, I have had to review all my previous thoughts on this topic, and I have decided that is just not for me in the kind of relationship I would like to have. That is great that you said that you have never been unavailable for your wife. In my relationship, that was the biggest problem. He could not function when we were going to have sex. I like to have sex pretty much every day. I went for about three months where every time we went to, it just went right down. That is so frustrating for anyone, man or woman! I think if it really doesn't bother the person you're with then, whatever. But, you compared your partner wanting you to stop looking at porn with a man not wanting a woman to work. This is not a valid comparison at all. I am tired of hearing that men and women think so differently. I have been attracted to other people. I get turned on by seeing attractive men all oiled down. I just feel like I am in the relationship that is supposed to last a lifetime, and I would like to have another at least 20 good years of sex if possible. I am 25, so I was not ready to end my sex life just yet. We talked A LOT on this subject. I understand that may be your sticking line in your relationship, but I just want none of it. I feel that just because the option is there does not mean that we have to just accept it. I went so far as to put up pictures of men on our computer, and he really didn't like it at all. I don't want it and will not accept it in my relationship. I am a very intelligent woman and am not averse to trying new things. I don't want your normal run of the mill man. I am also not afraid to be alone. Even though we have children together, I told him that I do not want to change him, and if that is really what he needs and prefers to do, then please let me know, and he can do his thing, and I will go and do mine. We have worked through a lot of our issues, and our sex has never been better. I have not forgotten completely, but I have made my feelings clear on it, and if we ever get back to that point, you better believe these boots will be walking. I just find it sad that so many of these men are willing to let what is right in front of their faces slip away from them because they take it for granted and want it all. I do understand the male point of view. I feel that you are so adamant about it that you are completely missing many of these women's point of view. I hate hearing that you must have emotion as a woman to have sex. I have had and enjoyed one-night stands. How would they even be possible if this were true? I want passion (and I don't mean we did it all the time the first six months kind-of passion, that does fade). I want someone that will take me slow when they're in the mood, that will sometimes just come up and give me a good grope, and that will sometimes get me so turned on that we do it right in the livingroom. I think these things are important to keep up to really keep the intimacy going in the relationship. I think if you are constantly distracted by other things, then you are not all there like you should be. Why be shy? Women are really open to a lot more than they let on to (not me, but I know a lot of women that get shy about it). I give my all to my family and my relationship, and I expect my partner to do the same. I have confidence in myself, and I realize there are other fish in the sea, so if I am unhappy, then I will not accept it. I don't mean to say it was all on him, either. We had issues on both sides, and I have really tried to be more supportive and a little more sensual myself. It has worked for us, and I think our relationship is better than ever. I am just glad that I had someone that understands my point of view. In your post, were you really saying that you would choose porn over your marriage? After 15 years? I just think that would be so sad.

  • Anonymous-107

    Of course, I am on this site because porn is affecting my marraige of 31 years. We have recently had some of the hottest sex ever. I can't believe that men would not have their egos deflated if their woman told them that it still did not satisfy. My husband says that it's not about me. I KNOW THAT!!! That's the problem. I know that porn has titillated him in a way that I never can. NEVER can. I can only be true to myself and go with my gut instinct. I do not moralize with him. I have refrained from telling him how he looks like the proverbial "dirty old man" when lusting after women his daughter's ages. All I have asked for from him is to not lie to me not promise he's going to stop, and then show no intention of doing so. This has been going on for months. I will not let it go on for much longer. I am only putting my family's financial needs first. But the point I wanted to make is really this: Why in the hell has society had in place for millennia a system of monogamy that the average male cannot possibly adhere to? When this ends our marraige, I am not going to "protect" my daughters from the ugly truth. Maybe if they do not enter their relationships with the same idealized thought that they could be their man's one and only, they can survive the mine field of adulthood.

  • V-

    Anyone know how to check deleted history? : )

    Last time I blogged, it was too long, so I will keep it short.

    We cannot win this battle, sorry ladies.

  • Mary

    “Why in the hell has society had in place for millennia a system of monogamy that the average male cannot possibly adhere to?“

    Imho men have always been the dominant force in society and monogamy has suited the average man very nicely. The reason that so many men look at porn today has got nothing to do with not being naturally monogamous, and the need to spread their seed far and wide, (which is what they say to justify their compulsion to look at it.) If that was so then there would be one boy born for every twenty or so girls which is not the case.

    A few people are making obscene amounts of money from the ease with which pornography can now be distributed. It would take a very strong-willed man to never look at porn on the internet, it is constantly available, just a click away.

    Obsessive porn watchers, and their partners are victims of this industry, and the peddlers of porn couldn’t care less about any misery caused to society, in fact they feed off it. All they are interested in is pulling men into their seedy world and relieving them of as much money as possible. Watching porn increases testosterone levels to abnormally high levels which then makes men insensitive to the hurt caused to their partners. If partnerships break up because of it then that is excellent news, more porn viewing and more money in the bank.

    Men, if you really must secretly look at pornographic images and if you don’t want your partner to know, then is it so very difficult to view it and then destroy all traces so she never finds out? Or in the case of my husband, buy a magazine, use it, and then destroy it? If you are unable to destroy the evidence quickly enough as you go along, then I am sorry, but your porn viewing is out of your own control, deny it if you wish but you are only fooling yourself.

  • Anonymous-108

    I would like to know how has porn become so acceptable. anyone? I mean lets face it unless your a porn star then why would any female want this as part of their life? Any males that say they dont understand or cant figure out why their partners would compare themselves to the females on film are deluding themselves or choosing to be ignorant. If your partner chooses to watch other female engage in sexual activity, and them climb into bed with you and expect to be in a loving, caring, intimate relationship with you, then hello, what the hell do they think is gonna happen. It is unacceptable, where is the love or consideration for the real life person that they are suppose to love, and look out for, why are their partners feelings not worth anything, how the heck do they think we females are gonna feel. Its not on. I am so sick of this. Im only sorry that when I first found out, I showed that I was hurt and let down, If i could get that time back again, I would say nothing, all I would do is do a few searches for male nudes or buy playgirl, and leave it there constantly for him to find, and see how he feels, because I know that he would have been disgusted, if I do it now its too late, he already knows it disgusts me, and he knows I would only be doing it to get back at him, which is pointless, how do any of you deal with this, please please tell me, do I have to put up with this, do all men do this, is it me, I find it so offensive, and yes of course i compare myself and feel inadequate, is that just me, am I so behind the times, is this acceptable in other relationships, Im at a loss................

  • Darc

    I find it interesting that you make an analogy to porn watching and women working. Most of the women posting here would be willing to admit that they are threatened by their mates watching porn. Are you threatened by independent women? Certainly the images and situations presented in porn put women in subserviant postions. Is that what it is about for you?

  • Anonymous-107

    On my walk this morning I came to realize that my strong desire to leave, move out, and start all over again comes from the fact that this house no longer feels like a home to me. It is no longer a sanctuary, a peaceful place to retreat to far away from the craziness of the world. It has become a part-time XXX movie house. I have no desire to stay.

  • Mary

    Research has shown that the more porn men watch the less likely they are to please real women. They then feel inadequate and so watch more porn, it is a vicious circle really.

  • Breaking the stereotype

    Personally, I am proud to say that I watch porn. My porn 'allotance' or whichever, is not enough to call myself an addict, but I do certainly get off on it.

    By the way, I am female. I have watched every major variety of porn, including with significant others. Primarily boyfriends, yes, but that's simply because I've had more of those than girlfriends.

    *gasp* yes, I am bisexual. No, I am not a slut that will do anything that moves. I simply want to break stereotypes here. I am a serial monogamist, I refuse to cheat on anyone, even if it's with the opposite gender of said significant other.

    But this is about porn. Ladies . . . I ask you this. Do you read Romance novels? Guess what you're reading. Porn. Video, Pictures, Written word - if it portrays two people having sex, it is porn. It may be wrapped up all neat and tidy in a pretty package, and given another name, but it is still a form of pornography. It's how I started. And frankly, the form that turns me on the most, doesn't even involve my gender! What I figure, is when women start in on romance novels, they can place themselves in the woman's position, because there's usually a loose description of the woman, not as clear cut as a video, or a picture. Oh, sure, there's the painted covers, but it's still a loose image, in a way. It could be 'tweaked' or modified just enough so that it could represent the woman reading it. Then it's just a fantasy world, like a daydream, right? Nice and safe . . . how is that any different than a man getting off to a video though? Let's be honest with ourselves ladies - we are just as sexual as our males. And simply because our porn is 'different' doesn't make it any less pornographic. Watch sex, look at sex, read sex, it's still sex.

    Please ladies, open your eyes and realize - sometimes a cigar, really is just a cigar. Don't read too much into your guy casually watching porn, unless it's honestly interfering with your life. Then, you should ask about it.

  • Anonymous-109


    Why do you feel its your bodys your man is unhappy with ?

    Is it because it easier then admiting that maybe your husband feels unpreciated ?

    Is it because you would never tell them whats wrong and leave them feeling helpless ?

    Have you put him down infront of the children ?

    Might because your husband feels unsure of himself and wonders if he any use to at all ?


    Or do we all just carry on thinking its all their fault and no one has to ever has to sit down and think about what its like for your partner. Yeah, lets go with that because its much easier to be a the victim when your the only people with feelings to hurt.

  • Anonymous-109

    as a response to you as a female, I personally think your a disgrace to the gender, and you certainly do not speak for the majority of females, you of course are entitled to your opinion however misguided it might be, but really I just think you are confused. What are you so proud of? Degrading people in an industry that takes advantage of damaged people, well really if you are proud of that........questions need to be asked why?  porn is not just about hurt women posting on here, it is about the bigger picture, and Im sure it is nothing to feel good about or be proud of. I am proud to say I dont contribute to this industry, I am proud to say I can see clearly and get the bigger picture, I am proud to say that I acknowledge the damage this causes to real people, and I am proud to be a woman, not a sex object.

  • Anonymous-109

    First of all, feel sorry for yourself............ dont take any responsibilty for your sordid actions, you have a choice, you watch it or you dont, I personally dont buy all this addiction bullshit, nobody holds a gun to your head and says degrade women or your girlfriend, you dont go into a cold sweat or feel physically ill when you dont get your fix of internet porn. You make a CHOICE to watch this filth, plain and simple.

    The sites you watch, yo mama sooo nasty, f*ck me I'm a teenager, thats just depraved im afraid,

    Im not a religious person, but I do have morals, and porn is perverted, no question, why not grow up, and stop making excuses and oh poor me, who is playing the victim? sounds like you are doesnt it. You enjoy treating women as sex objects, you enjoy males dominating women, and doing perverse acts, oh ye all women love 3 guys coming on their face and then we all smile afterwards, get a life, your pathetic............... booo hooo hooo,

  • Anonymous-110

    I am a younger female and I happen to always love porn. Porn is a great way to show you different and erotic ways to have sex..etc. My only problem with the porn idea is if Im not included in the act. Its nice watchin porn with your guy, but sometimes you tend to wonder..oh he's paying more attention to the tv than me..Well that would seem sorta insecure but really the guy can try to please you too. Its a treat enough to get a girl to watch porn with the guy in the first place, so why not give your girl a little respect and attention too. Some men just dont take the time to do so. And hey, at least the guy isnt out sleeping around with a women...

  • Anonymous-110

    Ive been in a relationship with my man for over 5 years and we have 2 beautiful kids. Note, we are only in our twenties..I understand we never really have time to have sex except at night when the kids are sleeping or when they take a nap..but the secret porn is killing it. Before we had kids we use to have sex at least twice every day and in random daring spots. Now its a hardly situation. I have needs too. I dont feel as sexy anymore and just wish he'd show me some attention! A little butt grab or oh you look sexy! Lately he goes out in his room and secretly jerks away or early in the moring when he knows Im sleeping. Ive always loved porn but I wish he would at least involve me or take the time to PLEASE me too.. Help! :(

  • Mary

    I'm spending far too long on here when I should be working, but I just had to reply to your post, you sound so unhappy.

    Parents should be united in front of their children, your wife shouldn't be putting you down and making you unhappy. Please try to make her understand how you are feeling, (probably best to leave porn out of the conversation) and if she won't listen then seek counselling, go alone, if she won't come with you.

    Porn may make you feel better for a very short while but in the long term it will make matters much worse. My husband started looking at it again because it made him feel better when he was going through a very stressful time due sadly to females - a b*tch of a female boss, demented horrid 95 year old mother with a horrid carer (now sacked), horrid domineering sisters and me sympathising but not quite realising how bad things were for him. If he had told me then, we wouldn't have reached the point of splitting up, however we still love each other and hopefully we have now gone through the worst, mainly because he has made the effort to communicate what he was going through, and I have tried hard to understand the need to look at porn (He finds communicating about this very difficult)

    I hope you can sort things out.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    It is possible to engage in discussion about pornography and other issues without being insulting and without cursing. The only way in which anyone can be heard is if they express their views respectfully. Your posting is not respectful and is not appreciated.

    I am asking everyone to be careful about the way they express themselves. You are free to have your own opinions but there must be a sense of approprateness about the ways those opinions are expressed.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Mary

    To Dr Schwartz and anyone else offended by my post, I apologise if I expressed myself inappropriately and disrespectfully.

  • Anonymous-111

    my husband is a lying p.o.s. last night i wanted sex, but he turned me down, i was incredibly horny.

    today i found out that he watched porn on his computer this morning.

    I am so fu***d off. hes told me all the bulls**t excuses before...

    so i installed anti porn software on his computer while he was at work.. muahahaha....

    he has made be feel so low, so this is going to be one sweet revenge.

  • Tina

    Refering to my last posts, Having left my Husband due to repeated promises to give up internet Porn, i decided to see him again, and try to talk in order to get a better understanding of why he has to wank to Porn. He could not give me an answer really, does not know why he does it!!!!!!! I said why don't you buy a top shelf Mag and wank to that, he said he would be too embarassed to buy one!!! we did not really get to the bottom of it and he said again that he is sorry and he wants me to come home with the promise of stopping again!!! In my late 50's i am in a dilemma for not only would i loose my Husband because of Porn but, i would loose my home for i cannot buy myself a house or get a mortgage on the funds that i put into our house. I decided to try sleeping with him, and i found i did not enjoy it at all and now i feel as if i am going mad, for as i have said before his problem has become my problem and i feel i need help for i cannot enjoy making love anymore, it just feels like sex. I just felt like one of the Women in the films, can anyone else relate to this and can or did you get over it? i would appreciate any comments Thank you

  • Anonymous-112

    If you are considering going back to this man, afterall the pain he has put you through, then you are more forgiving than I am. Do you believe him when he tells you he will stop. If you do, can you leave all the hurt he has caused you in the past? Will you be able to trust him again, without always wondering and checking up on him? Will you be able to have a loving, sexually fulfilling life with this man, will you be able to feel respected and that he is making love to you. The reason I ask you, is that I have been through what you have been through, I have gone back about 4-5 times, and still found everytime that I was not able to move on, and guess what neither was he, he still looked at porn, so we never stood a chance. The only thing I could suggest is couple counselling, its worth a try, we tried it, but for us Im afraid the pull of porn always won out in the end, and I found that I couldnt accept it as part of my life, and he evidently was not willing to give it up. He put me very low also, and it took a long time for me to get back to being myself, infact I still dont think I am myself.

    I know you have financial worries etc etc, but at the end of the day, is you mental health not more important, piece of mind, Im not trying to tell you what to do, all I am saying is that unless you are prepared to accept porn as part of your life, then really what else is there for you to do, maybe if he really does want to change, and shows you that, maybe only allowing him access to the internet when he is in the same room and for certain hours that suit you, but as I'v said, personally I have tried everything I could think of, and it still didnt work, the only thing I will say to you, is that I enjoy going to bed at night now, not thinking or worrying about what he is doing in the other room, knowing I'm not paying an internet bill for his porn habit, I am glad I left, I dont know if any of this will be of any benifit to you, but you should feel loved, respected and sexy when you make love, you should not feel like a whore, sorry for the language.

    Good luck

  • V-

    If you really love him and he is a great guy, it is possible to work things out. You can't expect a miracle and ask him to stop forever. Lets be realistic, you can only ask him to try. My boyfriend has promised to try, he just wished I understood why he looks and "wanks" to porn. Yesterday he said this is how I try to control him and I laughed. I told him, "wow, trust me I wish that was it". If we didn't get our feeling hurt over this issue, I don't think we all would care so much.

    These men really don't want to hurt us, they just have habits, habits they have been doing before us. And when we are emotionally disconnected because of a fight or simply not understanding each other, they turn to it even more. Now I'm talking about the regular guys who watch normal porn and are not obsessed with the weird stuff. Ok gotta go, Bf out of shower. he he

  • Tina

    Thank you for your reply and advice to my comment, i guess i know deep inside that i am kidding myself, in the hope of rebuilding our Marriage, if i am honest with myself there can be no going back, for the damage is done, i believe my Husband is in denial, for when i said "do you realise Porn damages lots of relationships?" his reply was " well we are not going to let it damage ours" does he not realise that it already has damaged our relationship for why the hell would i have moved out????!!!! This has hurt me so much because we had such a good loving sexual realationship, and i felt so lucky to have found this again at my time of life and now that joy has been taken away from me. I am grateful for this site and all the comments for it makes me feel 'normal' in my view on Pornography, for the majority of comments come from Women like myself who cannot live with it in their lives, we far outwieigh the few that accept it, so that says a lot really doesn't it? I don't know where i am going from here i am so undecided as what to do with my Marriage, I am glad that you had the strength to leave and that you have peace of mind in your life thank you again for your response, Tina

  • Marie

    Hello everyone :) I visited this site among many others of the same nature for the first time today. I have never thought that a blog could ever be the source to such relief. Not that I'm thankful for anyone else to experience such extreme hurt and sadness, rather that I can relate to others feelings, and feel comfort in that I'm not "crazy" for feeling as I do for some of the very same reasons. My problem is that I feel tremendous guilt for being so suspicious towards my boyfriend because he is such a wonderful person and I love him dearly. He has lied to me two times so far about "secretly" viewing porn to his leisure. I thought long and hard about how I could get over it and make it work. There are some things that make me super suspicious but I end up putting it away in fear that had I been wrong, I would be scorned for not trusting my partner. I feel trapped. He deserves to have a partner who can fully trust him and not question his ability to be trust worthy. Will my suspicion's ever go away? Should I leave for the better of us both?

  • DJ

    sex is not safe for alot of men. men are ashamed of their insecurities about sexuality and performance. many men rushed into sex in adolescence before they were emotionally ready and it was traumatic. many men are splitting and have a sexual persona that strives for competence but is disconnected from the fearful and anxious emotional self. the answer is creating a safe place to connect spiritually and emotionally and then working outside the bedroom to establish trust and intimacy. once it feels safe then proceed slowly and patiently work to reintegrate a healthy sexual identity.

  • Tina

    HI Marie, i understand completly how you are feeling, i look at my Husband of two years, (5 Year relationship) now, and i cannot help but ask myself "do i really know him at all) is there more that i do not know about??? I know that his Ex seems to have a 'hold' on him for some reason and he finds it hard to say no to her when she wants something, Like you Marie i too feel that i am going 'crazy' and now i am the one with the 'problem' like you i hate mysef for checking up on him, when i first found out that he had pictures on his computer, i was upset, but, looking back i was so in love with him i never dreamt that he downloaded Porn as well, it was not till a year or so later that i came accross it by accident. I asked him to stop as his Daughter uses our Computer, and i trusted him, and no i did not check up on him, more fool me, for if i had then i would not have married him. It was this year in May that i came accross more downloads by accident, without delving too deep on the Laptop i came accross 75 downloads i felt sick, i also had no idea that he wanked to them i cannot believe how naive i was, i thought we had a good sex life. I wish that i did not have the need to check up on him and i know this will never go away for he has told me numerous times that he will stop and he has not, i even put our marriage on the line and guess what won??? yes, you got it the Porn. I wish that i could deal with it, and let it go, but, i cannot for nothing is the same anymore, as i have said before his problem has become mine, we are both addicts now, him with his Porn and my checking up on him. I feel immense sadness that our once loving caring relationship has come to this and there is nothing i can do about it for it is out of my control, and i, like many of the Women on this site will always ask ourselves why? or do we trust them to stop? do we risk another 5 years down the line only to find it still goes on and we are older, do we waste our time just waiting? what a dilemma we are all in and all just because of Porn!!!!!!!!!!!! it wins every time!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Anonymous-106

    I had a similar problem as you, except our sex life was heavily effected by pornography. When I first discovered he was doing it, I told him that I wanted him to stop. I caught him again about a month later. I told him that I would absolutely break up with someone over that. I said if that's what he wanted, then fine, but I did not, so be honest. He said he wanted our relationship. I set the partental controls on our computer and even cancelled his picture mail when I found out one of his friends was sending him porn sometimes about three times a day. At first, I did check up on my boyfriend a lot. I would get offended when I came across any little thing. We have really worked to improve our sex life, and I have realized areas where he felt insecure and have encouraged him to be more open and aggressive with sex. We have really opened up to each other, and our intimacy in and out of the bedroom is now I think more passionate than when we first started dating, even though we have been together five years. I found some old dirty pics I had sent him and emailed them, and we are going to have a night soon to replenish a few. I think both parties have to open their minds some. I am lucky that my boyfriend cared enough to quit for our relationship and our family. In a strange way, I feel that we learned a lot about each other that we did not know before. Recently, I reinstated the picture mail and gave him the password to the parental controls. He has shown that he really does care how I feel about it and has put up with my snooping for nearly a year, so I realize how it eats at you. I still occassionally get paranoid about it, but I realized that I had to let go to, and if I was constantly snooping, then I was not trusting him. If your husband loves you and loves your family, then he will respect your feelings and truly stop. I am sick of hearing that women should just accept that men do this. I think everyone has different expectations when they meet "the one", and I don't think porn is conducive to keeping a long-term sexual relationship going. How are you supposed to explore each other sexually and open new doors if he is only interested in doing it in his head? I am very open to sex and have recently tried a few things that I did not think I would (nothing too weird, I do have limits), but I don't put him down if he wants to try something, and I'm not into it. I commend you for moving out and sticking to your guns. If he did love you, then he would respect that you don't want pornography in your marriage. If he refuses to do it, then you should stay gone, even though it is painful. I am sorry for all the women that have gone through this and must admit that even though I have worked through many of my feelings, I still have to check this site every week or so just to see how all my poor sisters are doing. We just need to refuse to accept this. Sexual liberation for women does not mean that us women automatically turn into porn stars. It means that we are free to find our own path to sexuality without feeling shame. I hope for the best for all of you on here, even though I do not know you, and I hope you all find the path that is right for you.

  • Anonymous-113

    i still hate the fact that he veiws this i hate the girls in my eyes they are the biggest sluts ever what bothers me more is when he veiws pictures i understand he may watch porn to get ideas but what does the pictures have to do with anything or why is he watching leibians i cant stand it i know its not worth leaveing him but if i become an addication i will

  • Anonymous-112

    Porn is a destructive influence in most relationships, although the men who watch it may not see it like that. As far as I am aware, they tell themselves that all men do it, its normal, its women that have the problem. Have they ever asked the question why so many women have a problem with it, why so many relationships are effected by it? Its really quite simple. When women get into a relationship, the majority of them believe they are in a relationship with one person, therefore any sexual pleasure is between her and the person she chooses to be with, its that simple. Why does the male think he can get sexual pleasure from his partner then when it suits him, get sexual pleasure from as many porn stars as he can fit in. How can he really think that is acceptable. Women feel devalued, their feelings and their sexuality. How can any woman feel attractive when she realises she is with someone who feels the urge to look at other women constantly, how can she feel like her feelings matter when the male continues to do this against her wishes knowing that it hurts her, all that says is the male feels he is the more important one or dominant one in the relationship, it certainly does not say it is a relationship based on mutual respect and sexual safisfaction.

    How can a female fully enjoy lovemaking when she realises her partner might not actually be making love to her, but feels like he is just "wanking in her body" their sex life is devalued, of course it is, and then it is just on a downword spirral, she may feel so hurt or disgusted with his behaviour or even just shocked, that she doesn't want him touching her. It changes everything in a relationship, what once was a loving, respectable, caring and sexual relationship, now can feel totally worthless, its like one person has their secret life, and the other person doesnt matter.

    Some women break their backs trying to make it work, buy sexy underwear, doing things that otherwise might be outside their personal boundries, and then they just end up feeling like the women in the movies, why should a female have to make herself into a slut just to feel that her partner gets off, Im sorry but that just wont work.

    Trust, well lets face it, thats gone out the window, when a partner sneeks around and lies about porn, then what else is he sneaking about and lying about? That is a normal conclusion to come to I would think. Everything is up for question at this stage.

    Men know all of this, they all know that it is unfair, that is why they feel guilty and ashamed, they standby and watch their partners fall to pieces, even destroyed by this and yet they wont stop, It has to be the most selfish thing in the world to do this to somebody your supposed to care about and love.

    The females home, no longer is somewhere she can feel comfortable or relaxed in, there is no solace there anymore, it is her home and and every porn stars that she never signed up to share with, how can this be right.

    Men can think what they like, but if this is truly how females feel about porn then why can't they stop, what is acceptable for a woman to bring into the relationship?

    Some females feel the continuous use of porn in secret is actually more hurtful and harmful than if their partner had actually gone and physically cheated. What these men are doing to their partners is nothing short of emotional abuse, and specialists say that can be more harmful than physical abuse, so if men know all this then why do they continue, why do they think it is their right to gain the benifits of a relationship, but not adhere to any of the social rules of one, why are they entitled to the little extras, females are supposed to sacrifice other males, someone please explain to me where do males make sacrifices?

    Double standards me thinks! It is not a male given right to treat women as inferior, as sex objects, or emotionally abuse them, if they think it is, then I would suggest putting them in prision, charged with being sexual deviants, and can someone please tell me also, if prostitution is a crime, then how is porn legal, is that not people having sex for money? Oh sorry most goverments are male run, so that is how its ok............... silly me

  • mary

    I dont know what to think. I saw all kinds of weird porn on my boyfriends computer and i am so ashamed for him. he told me he never mastrbates to porn, just is curious. i found disturbing things on his computer. i am so upset. i dont know what to think. why would he look at these things??

  • Anonymous-114

    Okay so here's my story. I'm very confused on my feelings. I have let my bf watch porn with me before, and I used to not care if he watched it or not. but sometimes I do care (like when he's at home) It goes off and on, if I'm feeling insecure with myself. He's not lyed about watching porn, and I've tried to figure out why he watches it, he says he just likes watching two people having sex. He doesn't watch anything unusal. But he does like watching girls that are blonde and have big boobs. Which kinda makes me feel like i'm not that attractive to him because I'm not in that catagory. Though I do have big boobs, just not bleach blonde hair. It's kinda blonde, but not he's kinda blonde. He also looks at a lot of girls when we go places and I've caught myself being really insecure, and finding that we fight about it. I know that if there's a blonde in the room and she's somewhat attractive then his eyes will wonder right to her. I watch porn myself sometimes. So I don't understand why sometimes i get mad at him. I catch myself still trying to see if he's watched it or not. When we've watched some porn together he watches blondes with big boobs and I feel like all hes attantion is on them. And one time when i had to clean up a little, and i told him he can watch porn until i came back he was watching three girls going on each other, and then when i was trying to jerk him off and trying to get some more, thats all he was paying attention to. And that hurt me. I know he thinks I'm attractive, but sometimes I just get confused. I aslo have rectently started feeling like, any girl that is attractive and talks to them, he might start liking them. But I know that that's me, and not him. I know he will never cheat on me. Because he's been cheated on a lot and knows how it feels. I need help trying to figure this stuff out. Because It's not helping our relationship. I don't want to be the girl that seems obsessive of what he does. can someone give me any adivce?

  • Anonymous-112

    First thing you need to realise is its not your fault :)

    You say caught yourself like its a bad thing. Feeling insecure is completely natural, just look at the stories here. But don't feel threatened because your not this or that 'category'. Do you find only one particular 'type' attractive ?

    Its not a competition.

    Don't stress about the blonde in the room, its your hand he's holding. Im sure you look around too sometimes and thats OK. You have nothing to worry about as long as its just his eye that wanders.

    You should discuss what porn is to each other *honestly* and tell him how you feel. Set out your own boundrys and find out where you both stand. Let him know you feel insecure sometimes and and telling him you think its don't helping your relationship if thats what you think.

    Hopefully he will realise that your feelings are more importent then porn before its too late.

  • Anonymous-115

    I never knew so many other women were going through this?! I have the same situation.... Husband keeps going back to it after promising to change.....I feel like its me??!...I questioned what I could have done to prevent this?!...The thought plagues my mind and I feel a sense of deep loss and inadequecy,and extreme jealousy....Thinking of leaving...This is a ugly cycle that never ends leaving me feeling empty and alone....As some of you know you get this gut feeling in your stomach and its then that you makes you feel like your going to loss control, a split secound of madness,and rage,then depression,and a feeling of wanting to get revenge or cutting your heart out of the relationship all together just so you cant get hurt anymore..but you never know if or when the hurt will ever stop ...and all the while the selfish man keeps on doing what hes doing and hes seen you cry and know how it hurts and you have done all you could.....but only God is faithful....people aren't...I haven't quite gotten it down in me..but I dont think God expects me to be in a relationship like this if he continues to do this to me and to our family and I dont think God expected me to make my husband out to be a ''God'' either....I have done things I dont wanna do for him,sacrificed myself for his pleasure and I dont feel like anything but an empty shell anymore.....I have a 1yr old baby girl..and another 7yr old girl...I need to be a women that they can look up to and be....but Im not that person...My life is so wrapped up in this that its stolen the life out of me...its been about 2yrs now and I havent been the same...not even looking forward to the holidays but gotta compose myself for now......Guess its true you came in this world alone you'll die alone why not try to be content and happy with yourself and seek the peace that only God can give....I knew it once before....I gotta get it back....Its not worth my soul.....theres got to be restoration somewhere even if my girls and I are the only ones that come out of it......

  • Tina

    So here i am again after having a long chat with my Husband. I try to get a better understanding of why he watches Porn, but, the answers he gives me to my questions, to be frank are pathetic. He tells me that he loves me, would follow me to the other side of the world to be with me, and that i am the best thing that has ever happened to him. Altough good to hear it does not take away the damage that his continuation to watch Porn has done to our relationship, i told him that i would give him another chance, but, he woulod have to take our Sex life slow as i am not ready for that yet, having got back to my Flat and had time to think, i am still very 'wary' for deep inside myself i know that he will find a way to watch it, i am so torn and i do not know what to do, i do not like hurting him, but, what he has been doing for the last 5 years has been hurting me, and this is not tit for tat so to speak. What all these Men do not realise is all they have to do is give up watching it, but us? well, we have to get our self esteem, confidence, our self resepect, and more importantly our trust back, and our faith. Well Guys that is not so easy, do we take the chance only to be in the same 'situ' one month, two, or years down the line..........Then we have to go through all this again. I wish that this had not happened to our Marriage, and our Lovemaking, which now to me is a turn off, and i don't know if i will ever feel the same about it. I still feel as if i am going mad, with the question of do i try again, will he stop, will i be able to love him the way i used to ever again? I still have doubts, i still do not know what to do, and it is tearing me apart and affecting my health, all this huh just for the sake of a 'wank' and the dreaded Porn..................

  • Jay

    My husband (soon to be EX) secretly watched porn and saved porno e-mails so he could keep looking at them. He said he never got turned on by porn. After years of it, he probably didn't but he then needed more stimulation. He slept with my friend behind my back, had one-night stands, kept going to Thailand, got calls on his phone from prostitutes and escort agencies, looked up swinging sites etc etc etc. I have no idea what he has become involved in because he is a compulsive liar and i feel that, after 35 years, i do not know him at all. He always portrayed to me that he wasn't bothered about sex but I am sure he is an addict. We never had a regular sex life but he never spoke to me about it. He even hd sex in my house with my friend while I was at work. Computers have made it so easy for sleazy seedy men to get access to every type of sex imaginable. Our future together has been totally destroyed, for sex. I hope it was worth it. I am in my early 50's and will be much happier away from it all. Just be warned, it isn't always just the porn!

  • Anonymous-116

    I have been viewing pornography for over half my life, over 20 years, since about a week after I left home for college. For me, it started through insecurity. At age 18, I felt unlovable, unattractive, unable to find a girlfriend, so I went and bought a magazine at the convenience store. Jealous of other men, I looked for woman-only material and found it in Penthouse and Playboy. I reinforced this pattern every few months. My hormones were raging, and I'd despair of ever finding a good person whom I could love both physically and spiritually.
    When I eventually found the right person for me, I was already well into this addiction. Every time I'd pass by a convenience store, it was like a siren beckoning to me--I'd obsess about the magazines inside. Even after I married the love of my life, I was secretly addicted, still wrestling this stupid beast inside me.
    On my first use of the internet, I quickly realized that those magazines had websites. My life since then has been a battle. On the one hand, I have a great family, one that I try to lead well, by example. On the other, I have this secret life that can't get enough pictures and videos. I once admitted the problem to my wife, over twelve years ago, and she was understandably very upset. I vowed to myself to never admit to having the problem again, and I have denied it at least once a year since then.
    Fear, though, for me, is a poor motivator. I know that I can erase the history, delete the files, only use my work computer, and my chances of getting caught are low. I mean, it's been over a decade.
    In the back of my mind, constantly, I am still wrestling. I know that the better part of me doesn't need this and would be better off without it. However, another part of my brain, maybe controlled more by hormones than by reason or anything resembling humanity, is interested only in the quick tension release. The hours I've wasted could have been so much better spent on work or even on writing poetry.
    I have tried to rid myself of this habit: I have taken to running extremely long distances, training for races of up to 100 miles. Still, the beast seems to wait for me, right around each corner, even when I'm totally exhausted from running. I'm Catholic, though, so going to frequent Confession lately does seem to be helping. Admitting the problem aloud to a stranger and to God seems to make it more real to myself.
    Reading this article and all the responses has helped as well. I feel terrible about the pain that the women have expressed, and I want to be better than the fools they speak of.
    Maybe that's the secret--to channel my competitiveness away from wanting to possess beauty and toward creating it in myself, my wife, and my children. To become better than those guys, better than myself.
    God, I need some help here.

  • January

    Hi everyone, thank you for all your posts. Reading all your posts allowed me to consider my relationship and put things into perspective. I haven't found any other site that is devoted to uncovering the realities behind the problems associated with pornography use in relationships. I learnt a lot just reading your different perspectives. I hate to say this but I agree with Happy Porn Watcher's post to some extent and someone else's post (I forgot who now) when they asked you to consider all things and everything about your man and whether you would give up your relationship because of some porn watching. I agree with people that excessive porn watching is bad particularly if it affects your relationship and sex life.

    I know my man watches porn from time to time. Nowadays I just assume that he is watching porn whenever I am not around or when I am, but not physically downstairs with him. I used to question him about it and my interrogation made him very uncomfortable and defensive. Nowadays, after having long talks about it with my girlfriend, I don't ask him about it anymore. I last asked him about it a month ago when he acquired a new computer. He tried to explain to me that it wasn't about me. I just took what he said. I haven't expressed my negative feelings to him and struggle with my self-expression. I wouldn't be here if I felt OK with it. However I recognise that men feel the need to watch porn and I recognise that certain issues such as trust and intimacy can be affected by porn. I find it hard to accept my partner watching porn, but I also wouldn't give up my relationship because of his porn watching particularly when we have a regular sex life if we aren't too stressed by work. I masterbate on porn sometimes and I question myself why I would have double standards.

    I think the porn dilemma is especially difficult for women like myself with self-esteem issues, but on good days I don't think I have a horrible body. I have learnt the hard way that I cannot and should not try to control my partner. He never asks me about my porn watching or whether I masterbate. We rarely talk about sex in an explicit fashion. I tried suggesting watching porn together and when we finally watched some soft porn, I found it a little uncomfortable watching porn with him, and I think he does too. I ask myself whether some issues in a relationship are better left unsaid (for me to close one eye) if they are not causing too much hurt. But obviously I am troubled by this and am hurt enough to read an entire forum about this. At the same time, I really dread bringing up this issue with my man because I already know there will be a lot of unhappiness. Whereas his view would probably be that I could simply just trust him not to damage our relationship by physically cheating behind my back, or engaging in online relationships. After all porn watching is supposed to be normal by both sexes. We can't really stop the industry functioning. I really don't know.

    I do know that I need to find some way to manage my negativity about this issue better. I have been obsessing about him and porn watching for a long time such that I have trained myself not to ask questions and not to see. I feel really upset inside. Reading this forum however has given me some strength to know that I am not alone with these feelings even though I am struggling to understand and find ways to better cope and to better communicate my feelings to my soon-to-be husband. I find it difficult to understand how he can watch porn, have sex and then fall asleep as if everything is normal. Some days such as these I really just feel I have had it, but when compared to other days, I feel blessed to be with him. After reading about the Madonna-Whore complex, I am somewhat troubled by the decision whether or not to have children next year.

    God, it is so difficult being a woman.

  • January

    Since I posted this and agonised about it, my partner stormed out of the house this morning when I tried to talk to him about my feelings. Again, as always, I feel hurt and am made to feel like it is my fault. I feel that it is really painful to be a woman and having to learn to accept all these hurtful actions by someone you love. I don't believe that a man is made to not think about other women even though he would never cheat on you. Porn is supposed to be normal, but it really hurts.

  • Tina

    Hi, Lost Man, i admire your honesty and know that it must have been hard for you to open up about your Porn Habit, and i wish that my Husband could be so open and honest about it, have you tried talking to your Wife about how you really feel, and how this haunts you in your everyday life. Maybe by writing it down even to this column will help you, hearing how you feel about it and your wish that you could stop, makes me feel a little different, and i wish that i could help you end the misery that it obviously gives you. I wish all Men felt the way that you do about it and i hope that you will have the strength to stop before it destroys you and your Family life. For if you carry on until you are very Old you will become bitter about yourself, and you may well have lost the ones you love because of Porn. For me it was a shock to find that my Husband downloaded and wanked to porn, it has made me see him in a different light, and i feel i do not know him at all. I also wonder if there is anything else that i do not know about him. I wish that he could have told me that he watched it instead of my finding it on the Laptop by chance. It is the secrecy that hurts as well. I wish you luck and send you some of my strength to help you stop for i feel that you really want to, have faith in yourself and you will...............

  • Anonymous-114

    hey there. I was reading your post and you sound a lot like me. I wrote the one confused. The person that wrote back made it a lot easier on me. Though, i have been away for a week from my bf, and haven't been around him when he's been looking at girls, so i'm not sure yet on how i'll react. I too have trouble with dealing that my bf watches porn, only when I'm feeling insecure with myself, and when i find out he's watching porn with mostly blondes and big boobs. I too masterbate to porn. I think that we just need to acepit it and move on with our lifes. I look at it this way now, as long as he's honest with you, and isn't cheating on you, or isn't talking to girls online chating rooms, then I think it's okay now. I really think were hard on men a lot. And yes, i have been hard on my man, about watching porn. And he's like your man, he never asks me about my masturbation or watching porn either. To be honest I think when we get upset it's because were not feeling good about ourselfs, and we put that on are man. But it's kinda hard to feel good about ourself's when everywhere we go there's pretty women all around. But like someone said that wrote back to my statment, it's you hand he's holding, nobody else's, so that also means, your the only one he's having sex with. I have relaized that i have an asoume man after reading all of these post (which by the way i'm not braging. I do feel everyone else's pain, and I'm sorry for what everyone's going threw) but I know that he doesn't watch it that much, he's honest about it, and would never cheat on me. And we have watched porn together too. sometimes when i feel good about myself i ask him if he want's to watch it. Other times he'll ask me, but he would never put it on unless he get's my permission first. If you really love your man, you'll try to understand him. I'm pretty sure, I'll get mad once in a while when i'm not feeling good about myself, but I'm just going to let it be. And even the looking, maybe i can look at guys more myself. lol jk. but really, love your man for who he is, but if it gets to out of control, like talking to girls online or something like that, then yes, do something about it. THATS CHEATING... i hoped this helped.

  • S...

    I am in desperate need for some advice. I am about to give on a relationship of 3 years and we are to marry. For the past 12 months things have been really bad. We used to have great sex, alot of sex. Now im a very sexual person I cant go more the 2 days without. I enjoy watching porn and I dont mind my partner watching porn...until it started affecting the relationship. Now im not giving myself cudo's but I dont think Im that bad looking and my partners mates say that 'his punching above his waist' Our sex live is terrible, harsh word I know. Everytime we go to have sex he always looses his erection, he will then keep trying to get it back and sometimes it happens but 80% of the time now he dosent. He says his stressed but then if he looks at porn he can go in 10 seconds. Is it me? I even let him look at porn magazines while we have sex. What more am i meant to do. How can I not feel as though its me. I feel like I dont do it for him anymore even though he says I do, that its just his thing he needs to work through. I would really value a mans opinion on this please. Please try to make me understand because 12 months of feeling like Im not good enough is really starting to take its toll, I dont know what to do?

  • January

    Dear confused, thank you so much for your insightful words. I do feel a little better even though I'm hurting inside. After our whole day (by that I mean cold treatment) fight yesterday, I think he has deleted some shortcuts on his desktop. At the same time, he also got a new laptop and so my suspicions arose that he will from now on watch porn from his laptop. Sigh. It hurts me that he refuses to talk about it. He has assured me before but his view is that nothing he does will make me happy even his reassurances. It is true a little as I suffer from depression from time to time where everything feels overwhelming. On other times, it's alright. Yes I understand what you say, and it is to some extent, comforting that - as long as it is his eye that wanders and it is your hand that he is holding. But is that all a relationship is? It feels a little superficial at the moment. I guess this might just be an indication of some deeper underlying problem that we have not yet uncovered and choose not to deal with. I hope I get better soon. Thanks confused.

    One question though: how do you psych yourself to, and make yourself close one eye? Or not get emotionally affected? I guess I am asking how do you cope apart from telling yourself that he is physically still here with you?

  • Anonymous-106


    I was in the same situation. It will not get better until he stops his habits, and you two improve your intimacy. I suffered the same feelings due to a porn-induced erectile dysfunction. I once went nearly three months without, because it would just wilt every time we went to have sex. I found out he was looking at porn A LOT. After a few months of him stopping and us really talking things out, things did improve. Now, he hardly ever has that problem. If it is affecting your sex life, then you can't really close one eye. If he cannot satisfy what is right in front of his face and would rather look at a screen, then let him have it. Intimacy takes work on both sides. Try new things, open yourself sexually, but you both have to focus on each other for awhile.

  • Anonymous-117

    My husband has been looking at porn for over 20 years and as far as I'm concerned it has added to the bedroom. For the most part I don't believe they are looking directly at the women per say. They are looking at the acts and wishing for a willing partner. I have my own porn site and it adds spice on my end as well. We have been together 26 years and neither of us have a complaint. We try new things and we are comfortable with each other. If a women is uncomfortable with her man looking or acting out a few fantasies more than likely she is not happy with her body. Sex therapy can help. There is nothing better than liking and accepting your body and what it needs as well as a mans. Lets not forget the health benefits to sex. And it brings such closness due to trust.

  • Gloria

    My husband has been looking at porn for over 20 years and as far as I'm concerned it has added to the bedroom. For the most part I don't believe they are looking directly at the women per say. They are looking at the acts and wishing for a willing partner. I have my own porn site and it adds spice on my end as well. We have been together 26 years and neither of us have a complaint. We try new things and we are comfortable with each other. If a women is uncomfortable with her man looking or acting out a few fantasies more than likely she is not happy with her body. Sex therapy can help. There is nothing better than liking and accepting your body and what it needs as well as a mans. Lets not forget the health benefits to sex. And it brings such closness due to trust.

  • moira

    I found out my husband has been looking at porn now for the last four years, according to the dates of the downloades. I think he has been doing it for much longer. I cound,nt believe the amount of films and also on history the images of naked women ! I told him I had found them, and I think even to this day he thinks I have not looked at the films just the images on history, as he still has all of them and more added since I confronted him at the beginning of this year.

    I was very angry and upset with him, he explained that he loves me and he only did it to relieve himself as I did,t always want sex with him. I find this very hard to take, as he was looking at images as well. Now when I ask him why, he tells me he dosen,t want to discuss it. I still feel very hurt and I do cry. I do try to spice up our sex life and watch programmes about sex with him. I do love him...but have been thinking about leaving him. Any advice would be welcome . Thanks.

  • Anonymous-118

    I've been with a guy for 4+ years. When I discovered the porn sites he was using, I was totally shocked and felt betrayed. Then I saw that he and a female were emailing porn back and forth with each other. I asked him to stop emailing her anything and he did stop that. Then he started using web sites for dating such as Fling. com and horny When I questioned him about this, he said that those were just ads that happened onto his email. He didn't know that I had seen his computer history and these web sites were always on his computer history. That stopped. Then he joined a German web site for meeting women, young or middle aged. He started saving their pictures on his computer. I tried to block this web site. I think he has finally stopped that. Now he seems to be writting to a woman he met on another web site. She accidentally sent an email to him on his normal email address. I am certain he has a secret email address, even though I haven't seen it. Of course he denied writing to this women. I wrote to her and asked her to stop writing to him. He bought a lap top to take with him when he goes away with his buddy on their trips together. (On two of those trips he hid his viagra which I discovered and removed. When I asked him about this , he had no idea what I was talking about.) I placed a block on his laptop computer against viewing porn. He has several male friends who daily email him porn, soft and hard core porn. He said for me not to worry about any of this, that it has nothing to do with me. It used to be the porn that bothered me so much. Now I think it is the lying about viewing these women and making contact with them that has finally gotten to me. I wish I could move out but I don't have enough money to support me. So, here I stay. Each time I get upset about this, I develop shingles! I'm trying to remain calm about his behavior but it's getting more and more difficult. It's getting to the point I can't do anything unless I can see him! When I get on the phone, he gets on a porn site. When I go to a meeting, he's on porn sites. Anytime I am away from him for an extended amount of time, he's on porn sites! Reading the comments on this web site has helped. Maybe someone can take the time to read this and give me a few coping suggestions. Discussing any of this with him always ends with me in tears and him angry with nothing being accomplished. He now locks his computer when he isn't on it.

  • Anonymous-119

    I used to be in a relationship with a genuine pornography addict that had an addiction for the most grotesque and degrading forms of pornography: beastiality. In retrospect, it did not hurt me as much as I wondered what in his past could have made him arroused to this. Long story short, I had to break off the relationship shortly after discovering this "hidden computer file." I am now in a very happy loving relationship of four years. I am a young pretty woman at a healthy bmi, yet I am still very insecure and jealous. A few months ago, I was looking through my personal google history and I saw a bunch of porn sites that involved men egaculating on women's faces. He was watching porn minutes after I left the computer on my account. I was horrified not only by the fact he was watching porn on my account, but also due to the degrading nature of the pornography. I thought he was a feminist? Instead of getting angry and depressed, I thought I would engage him in a thoughtful conversation about sexuality and pornography use. (At this point in our relationship sex occured once a month) He shut down. He began crying like a little girl and denied everything. Why? I could not understand why he could not talk about it. I tried to tell him that it was ok. I just wanted to understand why he thought that kind of sexual interaction was erotic. I even admitted that I myself have used pornography in the past to discover my own sexuality yet I admitted the few pornos I have ever watched is of consenual conventional heterosexual sex or solitary videos of women masturbating. While I feel shameful of my own porn use I was willing and able to tell him, yet he was not able to engage me in a conversation. However he did offer to write me a letter describing his views. I guess I didnt want this because I wanted him to have the courage to sit down and talk to me about this face to face as his trusted partner and friend. I now am wondering if I should have let him write me the letter after all... During our conversation, he said he would not use it because he didnt want to hurt me but I do not believe him....especially because our sex life is still very dull.... I hope someone can provide me some insight. Alot of these posts have given me a lot of strength. it helps to know I am not the only frustrated one out there. I just wish folks would be a little more understanding of their partner's sexual needs...I think the problem here is we try to reconcile pron use by watching it with them or we outright condemn porn use and leave our partners. Maybe we need to find creative ways to discuss feminism in general with men? How will men know how we collectively feel, if we never engage in meaningful discussions about the issues that hurt us the most*

  • Anonymous-112

    The way the world is today, it has become the norm to see naked women everywhere, they are used to advertise everything, right down to toothpaste. I personally have a serious problem with this, I hate it, its not so much that I'm jealous of the images used, its that it is disturbing to me how many people both males and females see absolutley nothing wrong with this, thats fine if it were both naked males and naked females being used in this way, but I think its pretty apparent that it is only naked females being used in this way. Its ridiculous to think that women are supposed to all be a certain size, with a certain colour of hair, with large breasts and bronzed skin, this is what we as females and males are taught is attractive, this is absolute nonsence, we are all different, thats variety, so why are these media people putting us all in a little box, and portraying one type of female as the be all and end all, and then we all buy into it, putting pressure on ourselves and everyone walking around miserable, because lets face it, its impossible for the average joe to look like the models, and of course the porn stars, thats their lives to look that way, the majority of normal females have jobs and kids, we dont have time to spend eight hours getting our hair and fingernails done, let alone afford breast enlargements whilst nipping down to the fake tan salon, its pathetic, and the men who buy into this who have real women at home, are also pathetic. I hear so much that watching porn is just a fantasy, well its a fantasy if its in your head, not when you play it out with visuals and belittle your partners body and feelings by doing so. Its sexist to say the least, I hate the world we live in, I can't even walk into a newsagents without playboy or penthouse staring back at me, when did this world become so sleezy, how can anyone be expected to bring kids into this world with all this filth on display 24/7, its just a vicious circle, how can any female be expected to put up with a partner who watches this stuff, I really see this as black and white, I don't buy into all this addiction stuff, people make choices everyday, if it was a criminal offence to watch porn, like kids porn is then I bet you would see a dramatic decline in the normal men watching it that have wives or girlfriends, so it that is the case which I believe it is, then where is the addiction, are they not choosing not to watch it because there are consequences to their actions, so that would mean they are making a choice, just as they make the choice to watch it, no addiction, I am so sick of hearing that word, its just an easy word for men to throw around to enable them to keep doing it, its not good enough. These men who watch this stuff, and who hurt and degrade women and their partners dont need our understanding on this, they just need to stop, they need to understand that real women wont stand for this, they need to be shown the door, ultimatums handed out, as in its a decent respectul life with me or there is the door and take your sleezy porn lifestyle with you, we as women need to make it clear that women are not sex objects, that we are real people with feelings, and if they cant handle that then maybe they would be better off in a relationship with their computers, and their thousands of virtual girlfriends, because I am beginning to think that the reason men watch this is because they think the women on the screens are just objects, they dont speak, think, feel, they do exactly what the male wants them to do, and always have a smile on their face, so as I said thats not what life is about, thats not how real women behave, so if they cant handle a real women and escape to the bs world, then good ridence, women can fill the void some other way where nobody gets hurt and where no body or gender gets degraded.

  • going through divorce

    I take great comfort to read that so many other women are going through what I have gone through. I have been married for nearly 16 years and my husband and are getting divorced. We were compatible in every way except sexually. To cut a very long story short, my husband is a porn addict, he doesnt admit it, but I know that it is an every day occurance, he has gone to great lenght with downloading equipment, second laptops and other gadgets to facilitate his addiction. We havent been initimate with each other for many years, and even in the beginning it was very rare. I often complained to him that you dont make any moves sexually and he always told me that he had a low libido and wasnt interested in sex like I was. Yet I used to find adult dvd's and magazine.

    As a result it made me feel fat and ugly and my self esteem is very very low. I have cried bucket of tears and my inner pain and emotional scars are alot. One word of advice to ladies out there who are struggling to deal with their partners porn addiction, these men will never change, the best thing you can do is to leave them and get on with your life without them. Because they are ashamed of their addiction, they become defensive and agressive if you confront them, they become liars, and deceitful. It is hard to have faith in a man that is a dark horse, and can look at you in the eyes and lie to your face. Dont get me wrong part of my husband is a good family, but the other half is not compatible with marriage and with me. I would be interested to hear from women who have been brave enough with their porn addict partners and how they have got on with their new lives. Thanks for listening. xx

  • Anonymous-120

    Hey sorry for my late response. To be honest sometimes it's hard for me to tell myself that he's here. But my man, is an honest one. I guess that's why I can tell myself that he's here for me phyiscally. He alway's make's sure that he lets me know that I'm the only one, and that I'm the only one that he loves. He's told me that he's just admiring other people, and your never going to see them again, so why should it matter. In some way I'm okay with it. I just tell myself that he's with me, and that he only wants to be with me. He never does horrible things like some men do. That's why i believe him in what he says. Idk if this makes any sence. I guess you just have to trust in what your man says. I also tell myself, he's with you everyday, and looks at you everyday, so I guess I let his eyes wonder to get some different looks. sometimes i still get a little angry but then I stop and think to myself what's the point? He makes me happy in other ways. and i'm not worried on him cheating on me, well exspecially not online dating and stuff like that. He just watches porn, and that's it. We've talked about the other stuff after what i read on here about what other women's men have been doing. And I told him im not willing to take that. And he said he'll never do that. so you just got to feel comfortable with yourself and with him. Trust him until he show's otherwise. And like i said before. If he's abusing his online porn, then leave him. Like chating with other women, or keeping pictures of women's profile. stuff like that. I hope this helps. I'm kinda rambling

  • rolfen

    The reason why men do porn is simple. It is a way for them to feel masculine. It may be a subsitute for the "real thing", but it is not an addiction, as if you take it away, they will just start eying real girls. Women who call their husbands "addicts" are only robbing their men further of their masculinity and they are only precipitating the now inevitable separation. The more you hurt his ego by confronting him about his "addiction", the more he will want to look at porn or other women. Men feel humiliated in this situation because, first they are confronted and challenged in their dominant male position and called an addict by their women - an addict being someone who is sick in his mind and unable to bear responsibilities. They also put themselves down for putting up with this humiliation (for different reasons) or blame themselves for getting involved and investing themselves in a woman who now confront and challenge their very masculinity in this way. A lot of men derive their "masculinity" from being able to please and keep their women happy, and also from her admiration and adulation for him.

  • Anonymous-121

    Women whose husbands look at porn are often very upset, I know that's how I feel.

    You mention the affect being called an addict has on men's masculinity. However women feel that they have somehow been robbed of their feminity by their men secretly looking at porn. They feel unwanted, unfeminine and ugly which makes them lash out and say hurtful things.

    I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that the secret use of porn by one partner in a relationship may give quick thrills to that partner which may then be followed by great unhappiness for both.

  • retirement hell


  • Anonymous-120

    I know that this is about porn, but i have a question that i've been having. I recently went away for a whole week for thanksgiving, and that's the longest that me and my bf have been away for since we've been dating, which is almost a year now. I had asked him to do something sexually before i left several times, but he said he doesn't like that and wouldn't do that. Now, when i came back the first thing that he did was that. It's nothing bad... But I asked him about it why all of a sudden he likes doing that, but he started doing a lot when we have sex, and he said he just does. I guess I keep thinking that maybe he cheated on me with another women, and saw how she liked it and did it for me. Or else watched a lot of porn when i was away, and decided to do that. Idk. i just get worried I guess. Can a guy give me input, if i should be worried about this? I've been wanting to check his phone to see if he's called any girls or anything, but I've made myself not do that. And I'm the one that wrote confused, which is contridicting myself, because i said I know he'd never cheat on me. I just felt really different around him now since i've been back. We used to have sex like almost everyday, and he'd like it if I cuddled with him a lot, but now, he kinda pushes me away. I'm afraid to talk to him about it. I just want input on it first. I mean he's an honest man, and i don't think he'd ever cheat on me because he's been cheated on a lot and know how it feels. I just want to know why a guy would all of a sudden change what he didn't like before.

  • unappreciated

    I sum how stumbled onto this site and article. I'm surprised there are no comments from the men.

    During the day I do home remodling then come home to taking care of our 3 children 13 12 5. My wife works nights till 11:30.My wife has some medical issues and her body sometimes gets painful. She has large breasts that she hates,and hates when I touch. So we can go from 3 or 4 days of good sex to many weeks without. It can range from great sex with plenty of foreplay and oral and bed wetting orgasms( for her ) to sometimes having to stop before I finish because she is hurting. During the good times I use everything ( toys,tongue etc) to make her clime the wall. It doesn't feel like the effert is returned with the same intensity.

    Many times during the year we take trips to amusment parks or places.When at amusment parks the wife and older 2 kids attack all the roller coasters. I don't care for them and watch the youngest all day. I also do all the driving on these trips. One of these trips was a 4 hour drive each way,3 days of pushing a wheel chair. Then to wait a couple of weeks for ok sex really wears on a guy.So where does a guy turn to during the dry times? Porn! Whether its the acts the women perform or the way theyseam to treat the men like they want to please them. There bodys are good to look at but I think its more the other.

    So there is one mans view.

  • Anonymous-121

    Have you told your wife how you feel? Also have you told her what she can do to please you? if penetrative sex causes her pain then surely she could use another method to give you an orgasm, but she will only know if you telll her! She needs to understand how important this is to you. It must be difficult when you have a young family and she is working late but sometimes the only way to make sure you have time together is to make "dates" with each other, and make these dates the very top on both your list of priorities. (I have learnt this the hard way)

    You make the point about women in porn acting as tho' they want to please men. I think we women are so brainwashed by the media that we are really hung up on the fact that the only thing that pleases men is a fantastic young face and figure and that is all that matters, which is very sad (and doesn't help our libido one bit), but men do have a part to play in this.

    I don't know whether your wife knows that you look at porn, but if she doesn't know and then finds out she will probably be very hurt, and your sex life will suffer further. In my opinion the only time looking at porn in a relationship is justified is if both partners look at it together, very occasionally, to spice thing up a bit, or else one partner (after much discussion) says they don't want sex any more or else is so unwell (in a care home or something like that) that they are unable to have sex.

  • tigereyes

    I've read all the comments here, and I can totally sympathise with the women who feel betrayed and upset when they discover that their men watch porn. why do they do it? because they can! We live in a patriarchal society, for thousands of years men "ruled" the world in every way posiible. Women had no say in it whatsoever, for many years men treated women as commodity, and even though nowdays the West accepts the equality between men and women, I believe that most of the men instinctively still think of themself as superior. All these explanations about addiction, and men are more viusual creatures, and more primitive in a sense that they need to relieve themselves as it is a physical thing. Good excuses, anyway. Why do they use this excuse, it's their urges, if that's the case we should still live in caves. We evolved emotionally, mentally, it's time to accept the fact that watching porn while in a relationship is just not acceptable. I hate all these excuses men and some desperate women come up with to try to justify it with different explanations (it's in my genes, I am a man, he done it because we were apart for a week, etc) if men can behave appropriately in business meetings, or in social situations for example I think they could easily do just the same with their girlfriends or wives. To watch porn while their partners not around, looking at women in sexual situations, engaging with them in a mental level, imagining themselves being in that situation with those women is cheating. Mental cheating just as harmful as physical. if women would do do same, isolate themselves for hours or even for 5 minutes, looking at men in sexual situations, imaging themselves that they are with those men, how would the male partners feel? There must be some hurt involved. Some relationships are more toleral when it comes to porn, I understand, but when in a relationship one of the partners clearly states that it is hurtful and upsetting for them then it should stop. If they woul still do it behing their partners back, then the relationship has no future. What is the point staying in a relationship when there is decieit, sneakiness. Men will never learn unless we tell them that this behaviour is not acceptible in a relationship. that's my opinion.

  • Anonymous-122

    As expected, most of the comments on here are from women, angry at their men. I guess I can understand the anger - my wife has certainly been upset when she has discovered me watching porn late at night after she has gone to bed.

    I don't remember when I started looking at it, suffice to say it was a long time ago when i discovered my older brothers stash of magazines..

    Now its freely available on the internet, and often when you try and close a site, somehow they make another pop-up to try and keep you looking at them.. Often the aim is to get you on to pay-sites where you can interact via webcams, or like adult dating sites.

    I have no interest in these type of sites as I'm very happy with my family and would never cheat on my wife. I think this is probably true for the majority of viewers of porn who simply have a greater need for sexual gratification than their partners.. Do I wish that she liked sex more - yes, but far from trying to make her feel inferior, I watch porn in secret so that I can get some sort of satisfaction without my wife feeling pressure to have sex when she doesn't want it. (I must add, it is a physical thing verified by doctors which causes her pain in almost all possible positions, so I understand she doesn't get much pleasure from penetrative sex.) Most attempts normally end in us stopping and leaving us both frustrated.

    Its interesting reading the comments on here about 'shame'. I feel this intensely, and its mortifying when I'm 'busted' watching 'it' (I hate even typing the word!)

    I do feel like I'm missing out on a full sexlife, although plainly the freedom and openess to trying everything possible that is shown by porn 'actresses' is giving a false impression of reality. This awareness doesn't stop me watching, but does leave me wishing things were a little different..

    But.. to reiterate.. I feel this is my failing.. and my weakness that I can't cope without resorting to porn. I think I am addicted..I wish I wasn't , and I wish my wife was able to have a conversation about it rather than giving the silent treatment. I want things to work out, but wonder sometimes if we will be happy if this cannot be resolved. Ironic that the first admission of my problem is via the same medium that causes it..

  • unappreciated

    It isn't just the penatrive acts that cause pain her whole body ( back legs neck now hands) are in pain. She has something similar to MS.She knows I look at porn, she got me the Playboy channel a few years back for fathers day still have it.She feels threatend by the women on movies. She does enjoy watching the xxx cartoons of witch we have a few.She has been over the past year going out with her friends from high school who are more like family than friends.almost every week.I do go along once and a while.Whitch leads me to the point that sometimes after beeing out she will come home in the mood and want sex.So why is it ok for her to want and get sex 2:30 in the morning but if I try to grope her at 6:00 am I get told get the hell away from me????

    I do may things Drop of dinner at her job,dishes, cleaning around the home,most of the trips we take are to places she and the kids enjoy.If all this isn't enuff for some physical attention. Then date night is just yet one more thing with no gaurantee . It doen't make all her pain just dissapear.Been there done that.

    We met in high school and when we started having sex it was any time almost any where.How in the early 40"s it is way different.

  • Kirsten

    Wow, I can't believe how many similiar stories! My bf of 2 years and I are in are mid 30's. At first I believed him when he told me he doesn't look at porn. Now that we moved in with each other 5 months ago, I can't believe the lies! Theres a reason why women should trust your gut inside. I snooped on his cell phone history to find so many barely legal porn sites. It happens when I leave for work in the morning. I confronted him by asking if I can look at his phone for something, and there it was, a site popped up when I went to google something. He said it must have been a virus, and got all freaked out. Said he never looks at it, and don't know how it got on there. Installed anti virus, but a week later, he viewed more on his phone. He knew I was so upset over it. I am an attractive woman, that wants sex with him all the time and will please him all the time. Most of his excuse is that he is tired, or has more drive in the morning. Well go figure, I am at work. I know he chose me to be his partner, but if he's looking at busty young girls, the question that bugs me is, why doesn't he just go for busty young females then? I am not busty, but is willing to try anything. I've done the whole erotic pictures, buy new lingerie, suggest role playing, and try to do new things. The other day I walked by him looking at the internet, and he was looking at porn and quickly clicked it off. I was furious, and in his defense tried to say he was looking at "my pictures." I am not an idiot, I know what I saw. Why look at porn if your gf is in the other room, why not jump her bones then?? I've mentioned I don't mind looking at it with him, but he still denies the fact he looks at it. He keeps saying he doesn't look at it. I understand men like to view it visually, but not if I'm in the same house, a few feet away! I am hurt, and I don't feel attractive anymore, yet he reassures me I am the one he wants to marry, etc. I know most men look at porn, and to do it as a couple, would be fine. To lie about it when confronted, that bothers me.

  • Anonymous-121

    I am sorry you are having such a hard time of it, I have to say that as your wife bought you the playboy channel and is unable or unwilling to show her feelings for you sexually then I don't think you should feel so bad about watching porn.

    Most of the women posting here, are like me in that we want to have sex with our partners, but they are busy in the next room masturbating - secretively, until we find out, and then they start lying to us and denying it. It seems the wrong men and women have got together!

  • Anonymous-123

    I found this article the other day I want to share it with you, I found it interesting. I am so torn because my husband keeps watching porn and it hurts me deeply. That's just me, some women don't have any problems with this, but for me it a big deal breaker. I do not have any self-image problems, it's the intimacy bond that is broken that annoys me.

    What to do if porn is a problem

    It is a good idea if couples discuss their attitude to porn early on in their relationship and agree some house rules about how much porn is viewed and of what type. People often find this difficult, but communication is generally the key to keeping the habit within normal bounds.

    If it is discussed before it becomes a huge problem, then the conversation can be calm and a woman can explain what works for her and what she might object to.

    Such a conversation could also include the sexual relationship in general, and look at whether either party would like more variety - and if so, what.

    Sometimes, women may know their man uses porn to masturbate, but will decide not to broach the subject. This is understandable, but if you avoid discussing it until it becomes a problem, talking may no longer be effective.

    A man well on the way to being addicted to porn may promise to change and to stop viewing internet images, but he probably won't.

    He may assure his partner that he loves her, but he won't stop accessing porn. He may even break down and cry and swear that he longs to give up all the porn, but it's unlikely he will manage this without professional help."

    I wonder what other people think of this.

  • Anonymous-121

    My feelings on the subject are the same as yours, it hurts me deeply too. I am one of these women who regard it as a form of infidelity, (certainly not an affair, but maybe just below the level of a single visit to a prostitute) although I now understand most men, including him, regard it as a form of glorified masturbation.

    I personally don't think that discussing the subject and agreeing house rules will make the slightest bit of difference to men sneaking off to view it secretly. They will agree to the rules and then ignore them! What on earth does "keeping the habit within normal bounds" mean anyway??! It appears from reading the posts here that the type of men who become addicted to porn have great difficulty discussing the subject.

    One point which I haven't seen mentioned before is that I think that women not only have a right to know what is being viewed under their roof, they have a duty to find out. Sometimes in the media we find out about men who have been up to all sorts of illegal and vile things and quite often they have a wife who has absolutely no idea what has been going on, and the public wonders how she could have been so gullible.

  • Marie

    I don't know if reading comments makes me feel better or worse or what. I am relieved to not feel so alone but I'm frustrated when trying to figure our what a girl is to do! My most recent ex boyfriend lied all the time about watching porn.. and for a while I was blissfully ignorant about it.. when I started uncovering the hidden truth while on his computer one day.. it felt like my body was inflamed with anger and sadness. I also felt really foolish for trusting his word and at a loss when trying to make sense of what I should do. Eventually I left him alone with his computer finding I needed to be on my own to recover the self esteem I lost from this and similar situations in the past. I guess I wonder how any woman can get along in the sexually saturated world that we live in. THE WOMAN'S MOVEMENT BACKFIRED.. if it hadn't.. we should have seen a decrease in woman willing to display themselves in such a way for money, and for men. It's sad that men have such a power over a women.. manipulating them.. turning situations around on them.. Using the fact that women are emotional beings to their advantage and her disadvantage. It takes a real man to treat a women as an equal.. and every women is deserving of that.. why should we have to play along like everything is fine when it's obviously effecting our day to day lives? Our perceptions of ourselves are distorted and weak for a reason.. as we learn from what we see... How do you compete with women who are willing to compromise their integrity to achieve attraction from the opposite sex.. People could argue some women are born that way.. inhibition-less and detached from the emotional responses innate to female nature. I think these women are sad.. I have tried the beat em' join em' route and felt empty and always dissatisfied with the end result.. How could it feel good? Truly... and it's all to please men.. to get their attention.. to feel the power of that... to feel like on some level you gained equality through being what they want you to be. Through my experiences that equality dissolves when you are no longer their going concern.. and then you are left with the guilt and shame of who you let yourself become... I am in a wonderful relationship now.. BUT.. I feel like I am ruining it with my paranoia ..I hate it and I wish I could fix myself! I mean I have never had such a good man.. and it's like I don't believe it! He likes computer stuff and knows a lot about it all.. and I feel like I am at a total disadvantage because he COULD be hiding so much from me.. and lying like all the rest.. OR he COULD be who he says he is.. My goal is to stop trying to control things so much and try really hard to trust in a man and his word.. and if in the end I am wrong.. I guess I'll join a convent because I can't take another deception.. I don't know what happened to the world over time but I think we all need to take a few steps back and ask ourselves what we really value in life and we really want from a partner... and if they don't comply... move on girls... because men are not our salvation or validation... we have everything we need as we are. Hope this helps someone.

  • retirement hell

    Just a quick message to Marie , I don't mean to dishearten you , but if things look too good to be true they usually are .I thought I had the best Husband in the world, never once did I suspect what he was doing , we have been married 44yrs . He never displayed any weird sexual tendencies towards me , but he was into gross hard core porn like fisting , bestiality ect .

    Now my conclusion is if they are to act like little boys you take the toys away from them, computer is a no no , cancel satellite subscription , free view boxes in the bin , and feed his dinner to the dog .

    I don't mind being called a control freak , after all what he has put me through , its either my way or the highway , simple . I have had the worst year of my life .

    So grow up all you porn loving men , you can't touch them , most of you wouldn't be able to afford these high maintenance( for wants of a better word ) women. I hate to tell you all this and shatter your fantasy , but they will only ever be in your head - and not in your bed . sulk sulk .

  • Anonymous-124

    Hi Marie,

    I just want to say your comment was very useful to me, everything you said was right on the money. I have been in a relationship where my boyfriend of four years continued to lie and deceive me over porn, it hurt deeply, not just the watching of porn which I dislike for the reasons you just mentioned, but it was also the lies, it was like my body was not good enough, but also my feelings didnt matter either, and I like a fool tried to change, to become what I thought the women in the movies were, but I found that made me feel worse, it was like he humiliated me, but I felt worse because in effect, I was humiliating myself, I lowered my standards and my values to live in his world, and that just wasnt me. I regret my actions, and I have the hurt of that to deal with also, I will never again let myself become something I detest for a mans benifit. I have to keep telling myself everyday, that women are not sex objects, but I as a woman have many qualities, and I have to try and convince myself everyday now that I am worth something. I hate porn and what it has done to my life, and I agree with everything you said, and you said it so well, so thank you. You have helped me. I don't strive to be some person a man desires, I strive to be happy and happy in my mind and in my body, and that involves not lowering my standards for anyone, I will not let myself be belittled or devalued anymore, just because this world is saturated with women being used as objects, does not mean that there are not women out there that use their brains and intellect, rather than their bodies to attract anyone, and as for any future relationships, I know I will find it very difficult to trust anyone, but I refuse to ever be treated like this again. It has been 2 months since I left and it still hurts so much and I know it will last because it has effected my self esteem and confidence so much, but deep down I know I am not the person that was at fault, all I did was fall in love, but it was false love because I didn't really know him at all. I want to be with somebody who respects me and respects women for who they are, not somebody who sneaks about and degrades my gender at every opportunity, and watches their partners disintigrate right in front of their very eyes, but are so selfish that they continue. I don't want to be alone forever, but If this is what all men are really like and if this is what all men do, then I'm afraid, I will have to opt out of any future relationship, because its not a world I want to live in, and its not a life I have to accept.

  • Mary

    I would just like to suggest to all the ladies (and men too please?) on here and reading through this, that we try to do something positive about the dreadful effects of internet porn on youngsters, both girls and boys. I don't think most mothers have any idea of the stuff that their children are accessing on line.

    Much as I hate the effect porn has had on our marriage I don't think it should be banned, but it should be regulated. I don't understand how any sane person could possibly think it is ok that children should be able to access it but unbelievably male porn addicts start protesting en mass on forums whenever anyone in the media suggests that controls should be in place to regulate it.

    We ladies need to go on these forums to counter these men.

    Whenever there is an opportunity online to support anyone trying to regulate what is available to children I am going to give them whatever support I can. I am in the UK so I plan writing to my MP and asking what he is going to do about the problem and also support the MP Claire Perry who has called for internet porn regulation

    We ladies need to stand together and be heard loud and clear, a force to be reckoned with in 2011.

  • jessica

    My boyfriend also looks at porn and he's already admitted to me that he's not going to stop because he thinks it's normal for men because he says all men do it. we woman i dont think will never understand and it's going to be a battle forever-either we win by "depriving" and "limitating" them or they win by watching it and us keeping our mouths shut about it. my boyfriend made it very clear to me that he loves me and that its nothing to do with me.. and my body...yes im a larger person.. if he wasnt attrated to me he wouldn't be with me he says. and he says that its about having a quick orgasm when im not around which conveniently enough he doesnt seem to want me when i AM here.. and because sex means effort.. masterbation is apparently effortless compared to sex. so i go through my ups and downs. i go through extremes where i will try to block the sites he goes on, threaten to myself that we need to break up because i can't handle the pain.. and then other times i sit and tell myself that he loves me and i point out all the ways he shows me and then i try to think to myself of any secret fantasies that i have or had have that i wouldn't ever tell him..we all have them... and i know i love him and i wouldn't leave him for another man over any old or recurring thoughts. i've had my small fair share of 'oh he's cute' to a guy in a store and catch myself looking for that cute face in the store again another time, but i know it means nothing. i love my man. and he loves me.

  • Anonymous-125

    my advice for woman: go look at porn and find some you like too.. send your man some gay, anal, sex or ranchy weird sex links or send him horse porn. make your own folder and post it as Hott men and go looking for some. if u are gonna be angry with him and choose to stay with him, at least have some devious fun with it. you have two options: he chooses to continue to look at porn-and he probably will-you can stay with him.... or you can leave him.. my boyfriend threatened me once saying he wasn't gonna put up with my bitching at him all the time about porn and i said i wasn't going to put up with him looking at porn.. we could have ended it right there. but we didn't because we love eachother. because even though there are hurtful things we do to eachother-we don't try to be hurtful---he doesn't look at porn TO hurt me. he does it because he's horny and im not around and looking at pictures of your wife or girlfriend is kind of lame.. when he's not around and im horny, i masterbate too, but i just dont look at pictures like he does. i wouldnt look at picture sof him and masterbate. it feels weird...

  • Anonymous-126

    I disagree with your advice. Most women on this site dislike porn not only because their partners watch it, but also because they dislike the industry as a whole. It degrades both males and females, it takes advantage of disadvantaged people, people who have been sexually, emotionally abused, and people who haven't had the same opportunities in life as other people. Im not saying everyone in this industry fits into those catagories, but there is plenty evidence out there to suggest that a large proportion of the people participating in this industy have been. I dislike my partner watching porn because of all these reasons collectively. Of course I have personal reasons like any human who has feelings, of course I compare myself to these women, that is natural, but I can also see the devestation it causes for these women and men who participate in these movies. I could not get arroused or feel good about myself if I started to watch men degrading themselves for my benifit, it would be completely hypocritical of me to do so. It is not a case of "if you can't beat them join them". It is a huge issue, and I believe many women on this site and women in general would not belittle themselves to stoop so low as to mistreat other human beings for their sexual gratification just because their partners do. There is a lot of things I'd change about what our society has become, and i don't believe I would be helping if I engaged in the sordid activities that a lot of men seem to.

    Two wrongs dont make a right. I also don't think it would take any of the feelings most of the women have on this site away, as in it wouldnt make them feel any better, infact I believe it would make a lot of them feel worse.

  • Anonymous-127

    I am also having similar issues like other ladies here. I have become totally paranoid and obsessed with what he is doing at all times. I feel like i can't leave the house because as soon as I do, he will look at porn. Turns out he is looking at it anyway even if I am in the other room. I am totally open for different stuff in the bedroom, and have tried bringing porn in the bedroom. I have tried bringing it up with him, but he says he is not really that in to porn and that it is subpar to me. If that is the case, why is he looking at it all day when I am at work and at night when I am in the next room? I feel like I am okay with the porn, just not okay with the lying. I also feel terrible when I am horny and he won't be interested. Only to find out later that he was looking at porn for three hours just before I got home. I really feel like he is choosing porn over me. This can't be healthy right? This can't be how it will be with every man. If it is, then I need some serious advice as to how to work this out. How to get it all on the table and stop the lying. What can I say to him to help him feel comfortable to talk it through??? I don't want to feel like I am competing with porn stars.

  • Allan N. Schwartz

    Jessica and All,

    Your boyfriend tells you that he won't stop looking at porn and that all men do it. I have never done a survey, and there probably are surveys out there, but all men do not look at porn. His saying that is just a rationalization.

    Why do so many men who view porn seem to ignore the hurt feelings of their women?


    Dr. Schwartz

  • Lorraine

    I just found this site, and I cant believe there are so many women that feel the same as I do. I have just found out recently that my boyfriend views porn secretly. He always told me he wasnt into it and that he would never watch it. Since I have found out, I think I have changed or at least my feelings for him have changed. I don't want to sleep with him anymore, infact I dont want him touching me full stop. He said it wasnt about the women, it was just masterbation, but why lie to me, why do it in secret. I cant trust him anymore, and I dont know what he wants anymore. I can't be like those women, and I don't want to be like those women, I didn't realise I had to compete with anyone, I don't know what to do. I think its over, because I dont want to be with somone I cant trust or someone that can hurt me so much. Does anyone have any advise for me please.

  • Anonymous-128

    Why do so many men who view porn seem to ignore the hurt feelings of their women?
    I can only speak through my personal experience. I don’t think my husband realised quite how hurt I felt when I discovered he was again secretly viewing porn.

    I told him I was thinking of ending our marriage and leaving, but I don’t think he took me seriously until we were both looking at something totally unconnected with this subject on my laptop, and up popped lots adverts for properties many miles from where we live. (I have been looking into whether I can afford a little property of my own, luckily for me I can)

    He has now started to really listen. In the past I think he somehow regarded me, in certain ways, as a mother figure just out to spoil his fun. He now understands that, to me, it is as if he has been unfaithful. I am still not certain that I want to stay with him, because I don’t want to spend what is left of my life either trying to compete with porn actresses or acting as a mother or school mistress type figure constantly checking up on him

    I know I will never trust him again although he is seeing a councillor, and is adamant he is not going back to secretly viewing porn. I cannot allow myself to trust him because I refuse to go through this misery again, so although I am not going to demean myself checking up on him, if there is ever the slightest suspicion that he is going back to his old habit I am not hanging around to discuss the subject, I will be gone.

    My advice to any other woman in this position is to try and communicate with your partner and understand him and his reasons for looking at porn, in a calm and rational way, don't make him feel shamed by it. In return he must be made to understand how you feel. I am sorry to sound cynical but my experience is that if he knows that you don't rely on him for a roof over your head he is more likely to listen to how you feel.

  • Anonymous-129

    I have been in a 3 year relationship with my bf and he has been watching porn for many years before me. We ended up getting married and as a man with morals still watched porn and lied behind my back. Deceived, yes I am, it about women? NO! Men are programmed to want to look at women with lust. It does not make it right and it will always be a constant struggle. It took me many years of dishonesty to get the truth out of my now husband of 5 months. Men watching porn could be because he wants to get it done quickly. If he loves you maybe he would stop thinking about his own needs and not watch porn and satisfy his woman's needs. If he can't go a few hours or a day without maturbating or watching porn then that is a sex addict. EVERYONE can control their own actions, whether they want to is a different story. If their is the urge, think other thoughts or pray. That is the only way out.

    My husband has been dishonest with me from the start and my feelings went up and down up and down. He got to the point where he was paying women to strip for him on webcam. Yes, he devalued me to the max. The only way a man will not want to do that is if he really loves his gf or wife and develops a relationship with God. My husband has asked me to block sites and get rid of anyway to watch porn. I even have a passcode on our TV to not be able to purchase on demand nasty sex videos. I feel like if he tries even once more to do it, it will be the last straw. does not help to push the issue. If a man tries to stop watching porn and doesn't me, from experience, it does not happen over night. It could be years. A man will do what he wants to do and if he chooses porn....let him be a lonely man with a sick fantasy. Women really do not act like that and the ones that do are getting paid. Do no ever compare yourself to such barbarians.They do it in private because they know how their woman will react so they try to hide it.

    If you still do no understand what I am saying just read the Bible. It explains a lot and why men are the way they are. Women were made for men to look at. If a man has a mate he should only want his mate. If a man thinks otherwise that is his choice, but it is wrong. I hope I have helped. I continue to be a strong woman and please my man, but there is only so much a woman can take.

    God Bless.

  • janet

    Hi Ladies,

    I just found out this evening that the man i thought I was happy with the last 18 months thinking of marrying him, is secretely looking at porn mags. though always said he does not.

    We have very satisfying sex every night or almost every night, that's what he said but still he felt the need to look at other women's naked bodies. Mind you i have a beautiful body and he said i have the perfect body and I am a wonderful woman in every way. I work, i cook i clean I iron and do all sort of things. but he still feels like cheating behind my back by looking at porn and then lied to me that he bought them to share with me? though he never ever mentioned to me

    THat's men

  • Jade

    My husband and I had a happy marriage, so I thought. He does have some "complex" when it comes to his mother. She somehow made him feel inadequate in his childhood, plus he was teased through some of his grade school years. I think he's always had to prove his masculinity. He got married and had 3 kids, all girls, then his wife left him for another guy-a friend they hung out with. Then a year later he met me. We were happy and had a great sex life for 5 years. I don't believe he ever watched porn-we had sex sometimes 2x a day. Then he started going through financial crisis and being very depressed. A "friend" I worked with lived with us for awhile to save up for a better apartment. She is an admitted nympho, but I never thought anything would happen because my husband hated cheaters (ex wife) and he is a good man and loved me. I loved him and I trusted him. But it ended up that they had an affair. When I found out about it I was devastated. Then he promised that it was over and yet lied to me again and had been continuing this affair. I finally found out for the second time and he confessed in therapy. Since then and because of the woman's sexual behavior and sleeping around, I've been waiting for him to get his 2nd round of tests for HIV, HEP and other STDS. I have not wanted to have intercourse, yet we have had some other forms of sex. But I know that since this whole affair, he has been watching porn every day. I am offended by this because I miss making love too but I don't watch porn all day. Also, when he was married before, his ex wife wouldn't have sex when she was pregnant with all 3 kids. He said he masturbated but in the shower and not while watching porn.

    Although I don't like the idea of my husband watching porn, I wouldn't be upset if he did it on "occasion" or with me once in a blue moon. BUT...someone that is married that is still getting physical contact sex, maybe not intercourse--but still having sex even though he cheated on his wife---to look at porn every day I think has a problem. I think it's not only selfish but it does not help the healing process that I am trying to go through. I don't care if he masturbates every day at all. But to watch porn is different---and every day he will start to be conditioned to think "this is how it is" and with me when we finally make love if we do I will be certainly a bore compared to these hot sexy 20 year olds having 3somes and whatnot.

    Here's the thing and this you can tell to all men: For hundreds of years men existed WITHOUT PORN. And they were Real Men--they worked hard, provided for their families and came home and made love to their wives. Some yes went to brothels but seriously how many had that opportunity? Men masturbated of course but they didn't have porn at their fingertips like today. Men yell at their sons for playing videogames too much and getting "programmed" , well it's the same with porn. It is something they really don't have to do, but if they do it too much it becomes a habit. And pisses the girlfriends and wives off as well. Why would you want to further damage your relationship when you can just jack off in the shower? I mean your woman isn't going to feel hot and sexy and do the things you want her to confidently if she thinks you are comparing her to your porn women you watch every day. I hate that my husband is pissing away time he could be doing something productive as well. It's just pathetic in my opinion. I mean think about this--all those women you are looking at are somebody's daughters. It could be your daughter---and then you're jacking off to this person? It's just really disgusting and pathetic.

  • from my own experience...

    I've been in a relationship with my man for years now.. i just found out his watching pornography behind my back just 2 months ago.. Yes it hurts so much i wanna slap him so hard it will make him go back to his mama's house! But then i asked myself,"why should i feel cheated when he didnt really cheat on me?" So instead of wanting to kill my man, i took a deep breath and talked to him why he watch those porn movies.. and same old answer from man, "every man watch them hon, not just me." But yep his right. So i asked all my male friends that im close with if they watch those porn movies too, and why dont they let their wives know, and so on and so fort asked questions and got the answer i need to know of what man feels. Its really not easy to accept the truth that man watch these movies, but man will be man, but no matter what happen if the man loves you he will always be satisfied of only you and will just want you to be next to him not the naked woman in the porn site. And yes now I let my man watch pornography, not just when im around. It is really in how couple try to understand each other. So ladies your man is not cheating on you, man really just like to fantasize lol :P

  • Janet

    I confronted him last night after discovering he's been on the naughty side with his porn magz.

    He hid them in his ute and dared to tell me there was no secrets between us since I should know where his spare key was??? i don't even know what it looked like and where to look for??

    Just happened to find it because i was looking for my other phone in his ute and he took his original key with him using another car. Anyway, i said to him how about i post myself fully naked on those magz so that all the men can admire my naked body since you felt the need to look at other womes' naked bodies so i will give myself to all other men for free view. He got very upset with that. Funny huh? double standards here since i have a great body and wanting to share it with all other men who buy magaz or go online, he quickly understood that it would not be good for our relationship.

    I find men are very jealous and if we women do exact same thing as they do to us then that's when their brain start ticking and think how we would feel.

    For isntance, he always looked at sexy women and would stop our conversation and stared at them as they walked past. I thought that was rude to me no respect at all. Admiring beauty is one thing but making so obvious is something else. So one day, it just happened that one sexy guy walked into the coffee shop where we were sitting down and i stared at him from long distance. He tapped on my lap to tell me that hey. I am here with you why are you looking at another man over there? i just ignored him and kept looking waiting for the guy to take off his sunny so i can see his eyes. Guess what ladies? we went home and there was a HUGE discussion on this subject that I am NOT allowed to look and stare at other men when I am with or without him because he thinks that if I was by myself, the guy could have given me his phone numbers and things would go from there. You see, I told him that i never said anything to him when he stared at other women while he had conversations with me. He was in denial and said which women? when? who?

    Then i said why it's NOT ok for me to wear sexy revealing clothes when I go out and here he is buying all these porn magz secretely staring at other womens' naked bodies?

    My friend had same problem with her husband. Only after they had argument and split, she had another man while he always had many women and had sex with them and confessed he did all those years while with her. She told him happened only once after they split. He went outrageous about it and it took him months before he could forgive her.

    Now they are very happy together and she said he is a new man, completely.

    He too, a double standard man as many other selfsih men out there.

    So Ladies, next time, let your guys have a taste of their own medicines and they will all change for the better and learn to listen and respect us more. This is from my and my friend's experience.

    Men always dream of having outside relationship to play, flirt and what else? who knows.

    They are never satisfied in their mind though they all say they are with their women.

    Try out and see it for yourself how you man would react so he would know how we all feel all these years!!!

    No naggins requried, no confrontations requied either.

    Have fun Ladies!

  • Anonymous-128

    Men who are found to be secretly viewing porn seem to justify it by saying that "all men look at porn", so why are they doing in secret and not letting their wives know? Obviously they know their wives will be really upset about it.

    Maybe women instead of reluctantly accepting this cowardly and deceitful behaviour, made it known that "women refuse to live with men who sneak off to look at porn behind their backs" then we would find that all men thought twice before doing something which they also justify as "safer than having an affair"

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD


    Do you mean to say that two wrongs make a right? Doesn't that mean that you are both wrong and that there is no trust in your relationship?

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-130

    is this really what males want?

    Fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake nails, fake smiles, fake tan and lets not forget fake breasts oh and the fake acting.Just as nature intended..........

    The reasons these men turn to these fake images is because of the media, papers, magazines, television, and the internet of course. They are programmed to think that these fake women are sexy and desirable, a cut above the average female.

    They don't see normal women without all these fake assets as beautiful, normal women they get to meet and form relationships with don't meet the criteria of these fake women. Normal women are seen as less, not as attractive, even substandard, yet everything about these women is real, as nature intended, with every little flaw. They are not airbrushed, they are as it said on the tin, as was inteneded.

    But apparently men don't want that anymore, they don't find these women attractive, real women are dehumanised because of all these fake images of what REAL WOMEN are supposed to look like, yet nothing about them is real.

    It really is a very sad world, when normal women physically look the way they were intended to look but yet are seen as not good enough, shelved for fakeness.

    Men are missing out, all they want or need women for these days is to make their dinner or look after their kids, all the intimacy and love making is saved for false women at the expence of actual real life, real feeling women.

    I don't know who I detest as more, the fake women or the pathetic men, that are so easily led.

    Well if fakeness and fake acting has taken over, then leave the men to it, let them fill their lives with fakeness, because they are not worthy in my eyes of any real womens attention or love.

    As for the fake women, let the grow old disgracefully, because the only message they are sending out is they enjoy being used, they dont want men to see them, just their fake bodies, who needs a brain eh, with a fake pair of tits, well let them grow old and lonely, because that is what is going to happen, because they all have their expiry date, and the men they attact are not going to be jerking off to them in a few years time, it will be their daughters, and lets see how they feel then, Im sure somewhere deep deep down, some of these women will feel exactly like the women who are posting on here, because if you have to sell yourself for sex, try selling yourself for sex when your 50 or 60, no it makes me feel better knowing that these women are pathetic creatures.

    If men can do without real women, then Im dam sure us women can survive without these sub standard, fantasy loving, seedy slimy men.

  • Anonymous-128

    Brilliant post, well said.

  • Anonymous-131

    go online and download a program called recuva made by piriform ltd. it does not install on your computer but u can view all of the temp files and web stuff the person has visited. there will be no traces left on the puter but will confirm your suspicions...good luck

  • Anonymous-132

    So............10 weeks on from promising that he wouldn't do it again i discovered that my partner has again been "ogling " young beauties on the internet !

    I had my doubts and caught him out just this morning. Yes he'd remembered to delete his history but forgot that i could access his user name and password to one of the sites i knew he'd visited . He'd been on just 3 days ago and about 1 month ago ! Lying cheating scumbag .

    So....what to do now ??? He has begged me fo forgiveness and said it was boredom that made him do it when i'm at ork and he's on his day off !! I said " we have 50 odd tv channels !! Could you not find something to watch on there ?

    I'm devastated yet again, an dthis time i don't know if i can forgive him .Its actually the fact that he lied to me that i find so hard to deal with .....if he loves me as much as he says he does how can he lie to me ..AGAIN !

    Ive said i need time to think things over , its my way of making him sweat a bit cos i know he does not want to leave me . (He has nowhere to go !!)

    He even begged ME to help HIM ! Damn cheek i think ! I am the one who needs help right now .........i cannot and will not compete with schoolgirl images in little short skirts etc , i am 52 years old and still young at heart , a liyttle overweight but take good care of myself .

    I am so hurt , i don't know what to do next . I love him dearly and we have a good relatiionship aside from this . However i know i will never trust him again completely. Should i end it now before he hurts me anymore ?

    Help and advice much needed !

  • John Holmes (just kidding)

    Ok, so after reading this article it seems that there is no gray area. No normal healthy viewing of pornography is possible and all men who do watch it are scum bags.

    I have do disagree with that, and no I am not in denial.

    I have recently had an issue with my wife over porn. She apparently got sick of it, even though she told me she had no problem with me watching it for the past 5 years we have been married. Some straw broke her back, still not sure exactly what it was but i am going to assume it has to do with her lack of self esteem. She is threatened by the women in porn and feels that she can never live up to them or their actions.

    I find this absolutely ridiculous. My wife is 5,3 120lbs and hot and I want to be physical with her every moment of the day. The problem is that we only have sex 3 times a month and that is not in any fault of me not trying.

    Since she doesn't meet my needs physically i masturbate around 3 times a week. More times than not i watch porn on the internet when i do. I dont have any issues with my mother, i wasnt abused as a child, and I dont objectify women.

    I watch porn because its fun to watch people enjoying sex. I dont normally watch the cliche porn where there is a facial at the end, i honestly believe that is stupid. I enjoy watching 2 people enjoying each other and both having an orgasm. I prefer watching amateur porn, the tapes where 2 people film them selves having sex, not the highly enhanced production stuff.

    From what i have seen men watch porn at first because its fun to watch. Dont forget that men are visual. Yes, EVERY guy i know watches porn and some even watch it with their wives/girlfriends. Hell, my wife and i even did that a couple of times back in the early stages of our relationship.

    I wont say that men dont take it too far, im sure that there are several out there that do. However i think that one thing several of you here seem to over look is that there is most likely something fundamentally missing from your relationship if your husbands/boyfriends are watching porn secretly and you having such a huge problem with it.

    Most likely its because the sex at home sucks and the men are looking for something to "scratch their itch" with out checking out the personals in Craigslist.

  • Anonymous-133

    "The problem is that we only have sex 3 times a month and that is not in any fault of me not trying" Just a suggestion, you could always try looking in a mirror, women are visual creatures too you know, maybe your wife is secretly looking at gorgeous hunks in porn movies. Or maybe she just needs a more sensitive loving man to make love to her, I hope she finds him.

  • Anonymous-130

    I am sorry but I don't think I would even know where to start with that post.

    Wrong on so many counts

  • retirement hell

    Hi ladies ,

    Just a quickie today , just a thought I had today about all the ladies out there , who are suffering from the pain, heartache of their husbands , b/friends who are into porn,I would just like to wish you all a peaceful christmas .

    On the other hand I hope the guys out there who are beguiled , seduced , and bewitched by the fantasy women , and who subject their women to all this pain , allow themselves time to reflect on all they could lose .

    Look close at your woman , take time to look around at your family , and think of your cup being half full , instead of half empty .

    Love your woman , you may just turn around from your computer screen , and she may just be gone , out of your life forever .

    Many thanks to all of you over the year for taking the time to give input on here , on such a sensitive subject . I take great comfort from knowing I am not alone .

  • Mary

    To retirement hell, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your family and that 2011 is a much better year for you, and you start to enjoy the happy retirement you deserve.

    Best wishes to all, and especially to Dr Schwartz for enabling us to communicate on this forum,

    Have a Happy and Peaceful Christmas, Mary x

  • hurt and confused

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. I made it clear that I was not ok with porn from the beginning. He said he wouldn't look at it. We've had many discussions about it. I am very open with the fact that I use to look at it when I was single myself. The way I see it, it was a way for me to safely take care of my sexual needs while single without sleeping around, etc. But I have zero desire to look at this kind of stuff in a relationship. My man is the only one I want to look at and he's the only one I get turned on by.

    I caught him, accidentally (wasn't snooping), looking at porn on the computer. I confronted him and a huge fight insued. In the end though, he apologized, he even teared up saying how bad he felt that he hurt me like that and he promised to never hurt me like that and look at porn again. Of course, I felt betrayed and still do.

    A couple of weeks later, I decided to look at his computer. Something didn't feel right to me and I had a gut feeling he lied. Sure enough, he was looking at it again. He waits until I go to work and then goes online. So once again another confrontation happened. The lying to me is what's worse than anything. The porn makes me feel like I'm nothing. Not pretty enough, hot enough, sexual enough, etc. I feel like I'm being compared to these porn stars that he's looking at. Here's the real catch though, a lot of the couples and advice I read about is the men turning to the porn instead of the woman or the woman not wanting to have sex.. we're not like that. We have sex almost every day of the week, mutliple times sometimes. I'm very sexual with my man and love everything about being with him. And he's into me all day every day as well. He's not replacing me with porn, doesn't look at it instead of me. We still have a great active sex life. I just still feel really betrayed and hurt.

    We recently had another conversation about it and it got heated. He said that "all" his past girlfriends had no problem with it and even watched it with him and it was something they enjoyed together. He said that the kind of woman he's into and wants would also been into the porn. I feel like he doesn't want me if I don't try to see the porn as ok. He says he doesn't expect me to be ok with it and has told me he'll stop looking at it. I don't believe him though. Everytime I go to work, I believe he's on the computer looking at it. I can tel