Psychology Of Anger

  1. Anger, Thoughts,
  2. Anger: A Substitute Emotion
  3. Defining Anger
  4. Benefits and Costs of Anger: Social, Emotional, and Health

Introduction

Anger is a natural and mostly automatic response to pain of one form or another (physical or emotional). Anger can occur when people don't feel well, feel rejected, feel threatened, or experience some loss.

The type of pain does not matter; the important thing is that the pain experienced is unpleasant. Because anger never occurs in isolation but rather is necessarily preceded by pain feelings, it is often characterized as a ''secondhand'' emotion.

Introduction

Anger, Thoughts, & Social Behavior

  • Pain alone is not enough to cause anger. Anger occurs when pain is combined with some anger-triggering thought.
  • Thoughts that can trigger anger include personal assessments, assumptions, evaluations, or interpretations of situations that makes people think that someone else is attempting (consciously or not) to hurt them.

In this sense, anger is a social emotion; You always have a target that your anger is directed against (even if that target is yourself). Feelings of pain, combined with anger-triggering thoughts motivate you to take action, face threats and defend yourself by striking out against the target you think is causing you pain.


Anger: A Substitute Emotion

  • Anger can also be a substitute emotion. By this we mean that sometimes people make themselves angry so that they don't have to feel pain. People change their feelings of pain into anger because it feels better to be angry than it does to be in pain. This changing of pain into anger may be done consciously or unconsciously.
  • Being angry rather than simply in pain has a number of advantages, primarily among them distraction. People in pain generally think about their pain. However, angry people think about harming those who have caused pain. Part of the transmutation of pain into anger involves an attention shift - from self-focus to other-focus.
  • Anger thus temporarily protects people from having to recognize and deal with their painful real feelings; you get to worry about getting back at the people you're angry with instead. Making yourself angry can help you to hide the reality that you find a situation frightening or that you feel vulnerable.
  • In addition to providing a good smoke screen for feelings of vulnerability, becoming angry also creates a feeling of righteousness, power and moral superiority that is not present when someone is merely in pain. When you are angry, you are angry with cause. "The people who have hurt me are wrong - they should be punished" is the common refrain. It is very rare that someone will get angry with someone they do not think has harmed them in some significant fashion.


Defining Anger

The definition of whether someone's anger is a problem often turns on whether or not other people agree with them that their anger, and the actions they take in the name of their anger, is justified.

Angry people most always feel that their anger is justified. However, other people don't always agree. The social judgment of anger creates real consequences for the angry person. An angry person may feel justified in committing an angry, aggressive action, but if a judge or jury of peers do not see it that way, that angry person may still go to jail. If a boss doesn't agree that anger expressed towards a customer is justified, a job may still be lost. If a spouse doesn't agree that anger was justified, a marriage may have problems.


Benefits and Costs of Anger: Social, Emotional, and Health

Whether justified or unjustified, the seductive feeling of righteousness associated with anger offers a powerful temporary boost to self-esteem.

  • It is more satisfying to feel angry than to acknowledge the painful feelings associated with vulnerability.
  • You can use anger to convert feelings of vulnerability and helplessness into feelings of control and power.
  • Some people develop an unconscious habit of transforming almost all of their vulnerable feelings into anger so they can avoid having to deal with them.

Man having a seizureThe problem becomes that even when anger distracts you from the fact that you feel vulnerable, you still at some levelfeel vulnerable.

  • Anger cannot make pain disappear - it only distracts you from it.
  • Anger generally does not resolve or address the problems that made you feel fearful or vulnerable in the first place, and it can create new problems, including social and health issues.
Comments
  • James

    I get angry when i am not listened to. ( It didn't use to matter) I am a diagnosed clinical & bipolar dipression, anxiety, and panic attack, have been taking Paxil and Depakote for over 5 years it was making me a sombie, I have stopped these medicines and it has been approximately 6 months and I can chew horse shoe nails with one bite, without my dentures. MY entire life i have been in charge and have bent over backwards to help every one especially my family, sience i have been diagnosed with thhis proble My family has deseteed me and the only thing they had to say was pull your head oout of you butt and you will be ok.. I have seen 3 physicritrists and I tell you they are not what they are cracked up to be... ones tell me that the only way i haver these fears is because i want to, one tells me that her job is to prescribe meds for the symptons, the last tells me that if I don't understand what is happening and why I am so angry what do I expect her to do? Am I parinoid about this or is there some where I can really get help? have also see physco analist, physcoligist, and then she moved away and the people taking her place doesn't have time, or one tells me I need to grow up... here in the hell do I turn? Is there some way to get back to my normal self if I ever had one.. do you hear my cry for help? I am screaming Please help

  • Teresa

    Dear James, I am sorry for your suffering. My first thing you may not want to hear is to please use a dr. you trust and get back on medication. You may need to change the medicine up a little since it sounds like you felt over-medicated and zombie like. Staying with a therapist is very important too. Staying very open and listening to the advice as well as to your core inner self can be scary, but the best thing you can do for yourself. I really recommend in your case to get involved in meditation. You really become aware of your thoughts and how much they can and probably are hurting you. I would recommend going to retreat or workshop - held all over. They are not in "weird" settings - they are all over. I might recommend a loving-kindness meditation called Metta. These can be guided from a CD too, but at first I would see a professional and be taught or go to a workshop. Perhaps you can google meditation for anger and go to a retreat where you will be helped and understood. Good luck to you, James. The soul searching is painful as you look at yourself but it is helpful to get rid of the anger and start living and loving yourself and the world. All the Best, Teresa

  • mandy

    James I agreed with you, therapists, psyquiatricians and psychologists are most of the time very hurtful. They spend lots of years studying about our problems and they still dont know how to LISTEN at people. WHY THEY ASK, HOW AM I GOING TO HELP YOU, IN WHAT WAY DO YOU SPECT ME TO HELP?... How in the hell I will know HOW OR WHAT they will do to help me, THAT IS THEIR JOB, FIND ABOUT IT, ASK THE THINGS NEEDED TO KNOW HOW dont know... If I can tell the answer to that why would i need a therapist? this things reallly upsets lots!!!

  • Mel

    James, I really feel for you. My husband has been suffering from very severe panic attacks for almost 10 years now. It was only about 2-3 years ago that he actually found out what it was! He thought he was going crazy, and was afraid to tell anyone for the longest time! I can understand how he, you and others with the same struggles can feel very angry and frustrated. Your life is turned upside down and there seems to be no logical reason why! You become desperate for something that will make your life normal again, and feel angry when there seems to be no help, or explanation from doctors. They still do not know everything, but in the technologically advanced world we live in, it's only a matter of time! In the meantime, I do have a suggestion. My hubby went through numerous medications before finding one that really REALLY works!!!!!!Several meds made his symptoms even WORSE and not better! He is now taking Efexor... It took a few prescriptions to get the dosage right (He needed it to be a slow-release, and about 150mg once a day, not 80mg which is where he started). He has no side effects except for the tendancy to become dehydrated, so he just has to drink more water. I don't know if you have the same thing available in the States (we are in Australia) but see if you can find it. Also, there is a great book my hubby found really helpful, can't remember the author, but it is called 'Coping with "IT"'. It is a cartoon style book written by a woman who has experienced panic attacks herself for many years (and has now gotten over it!!). She writes in a way which is very easy to read, and you really get a sense of validation, that someone understands exactly how you feel, and that you're not alone!! She says that eventually, the panic attacks and anxiety will go away, but in the meantime, you need to learn how to LIVE with your "IT" (anxiety) and how to "housetrain IT" :) She gives some great suggestions, and my hubby finds the best thing, even though it is extremely painful, is not letting himself hyperventilate when experiencing an attack. He says his lungs burn, but he just concentrates on breathing really deep and controlled, and it really helps it to settle down. Hope you find some relief my friend!

  • David

    James, I imagine what you are experiencing, is what it was like for you as a child. I suggest you see a therapist (stay clear of psychiatrists) who will help you process your feelings. I suffered very badly for years from depression & it was only when I started seeing a therapist who helped me process the feelings that were suppressed (pain, shame, fear, grief & anger) from my childhood that I eventually made a complete recovery. You may need to go on anti – depressants (serotonin depletion), which will raise your serotonin levels & give you some relief from your depression. But I think it very important that you see the right therapist ((preferably one who has dealt with his own history) who does INNER CHILD work. You have to really want to recover LITTLE JAMES, if what I suggested is going to be of any benefit to you.

  • Tommy

    I get angry at people that can't spell one damn word correct. Seriously though. I have a very bad temper. I have been on many drugs that just ended up making me nuts and ending up getting committed to a psyciatric hospital. I have been arrested and I have beat people sensless over road rage or just for a look. I was not always like this. I know I need some sort of medication. I am going to a psyco therapist and this anger management crap doesn't work. For some reason I would love to be left alone without any interaction from the outside world but no. You have to work and that's where most of my anger is realeased. Just today I nearly beat a man because he was a little bitch. He was crying about something stupid so I just plainly told him to go get fucked. Long story short he will never make that mistake again. Now to me I feel justified in my response but to others they think I'm crazy. I wish I could have a lobotomy because I truely belive that ignorance is bliss. There is a fine line between insane and genius and I walk that line everyday.

  • B

    James,

    I was diagnosed with bipolar, and at some extend I can probably understand what you are going through. My advice is to take the medication prescribed from your psychiatrist, but the therapist can do wonders if you put some trust for the period of attendances. I have asked my therapist weather we could use cognitive behavior therapy as I have read that it worked fore some other people. So we used cognitive behavior therapy and I have managed since then having les relapses and you somehow learn how to manage relapses not escalating to uncontrolled levels. Obviously it takes time for you to get your own tools to work with yourself dealing with bipolar but it gets easier once you get to understand the cognitive behavior, which I think you must first exercise with the therapist.

    Make sure that family and friends is given some time, as it takes them some time to adopt and understand you. The more you understand yourself the easier it makes for loved ones to understand you.

    Just make sure you find a decent therapist and if possible not very long period of sessions so you can keep the same intensity of believe. Cognitive Behavior Therapy was a remedy for me, hence I would suggest to anyone suffering from Bipolar.

    And another thing to ad, yes I am at work and in very demanding industry, if someone told me that I could work normally, I would not believe them. But obviously health comes first from now on.

    God luck

    B

    p.s. my grammar is not that good but hopefully it made some sense.

  • Sharon

    My now ex-boyfriend suffers from anger problems. We have known each other for 8 months and the first 4 months were great. In September he was arrested for pulling out a gun which I think was a cry for help. He has been arrested for assaulting me a couple of other times after that. He constantly blames me for everything that is happening in his life. He actually was in a mental facility when he was school age. I had him get on Effexor, but he didn't follow up to see if it was the right dosage.

    When we argue he shuts himself off and goes into silence. He pounts and sulks at times. He has been spiteful to me whenever he can. His whole face changes when he is angry.

    He is now sitting in jail, but I feel so guilty, because I love him for some reason and have been asking him to please get help. We went to one counselor two weeks ago and again he came out angry. I am not sure if he is bi-polar or suffering from anti-social behavior. I believe it could be anti-social behavior, because he has most of the symptoms of one. At times he could be the greatest guy. This anger has ruined our relationship and now I don't know what will happen to him in jail. Any advice?

  • cesar

    i totally get it now i understand now why i get how i get angry all the time i try to get out on other people wow it makes alll clear now thnx!!

  • anne

    This article describes my brother in law to tee. I couldn't add or take away anything from it.

    He and I were very close. The latest display of irrational behavior left me in a position where I actually said something to him. I am not sure if I was right or wrong but I couldn't stand back with my mouth shut any more. He was loud and very hateful. Of course now he won't have anything to do with me. My sister (his wife) has lived with this abuse for years. This time it effected my 7 yo. nephew. And yes, I had had enough.

    He is very quick to call you "crazy" etc. No matter what the issue he is the most righteous person on this planet.

    How do you deal with this type of behavior when he doesn't think HE has an issue at all and is very justified in his reactions? There is no way he would ever admit to him having a problem.

    Please help!!

  • Jim S.

    I have been an angry person all my life, I have a hard time remembering the good things in life and issues that make me angry keep popping up in my head uncontrollibly.I try to fix problems as they happen but lately my problems get worse because my control of my emotions(anger)is gone.I always felt I was in good control of my anger til I was about 36 now I am 39 and realize I need to adress my anger issues.

    What would you feel like if this happened to you:

    1-your comminlaw wife is a control freak and only loves you if you do everything she says and don't expect anything from her.If you ask her something she just yells or makes up some lame excuse.

    2-your wife leaves you and does not let you have any contact with your kid,after punching you in the face.

    3-she comes back,because she realized the laws does not give her rights to my house.because I love my kid and want to be with her everyday I take her back.but I realize she just wanted me to put the house in both are names so she can get some money out of the deal.I say to her no,and she goes back to her abusing person she is.I ask her to leave because the kid see's us fighting everyday and it is effecting her,and she will not.

    4-lose out on a promotion at work because the last couple of years I have been angry most of the time.and a person who is much younger and not as capible is your boss now.and because of his inexperience makes your job harder than ever.

    5-dog get poisend and dies,wife blames me.I bought another house after my wife and I split,this house had mice,I called all pest and they took care of my mouse problem but dog got into it somewere,they paid the vet bills and said they were sorry but never did compensate me for the $1000 I paid for the boy.

    6-other dog goes strange and poos and pees all though the house,we have to get ride of it,wife blames me.

    7-go get breaks fix on truck,mechanic puts the wrong fluid in and messes the whole systrm up,had to buy another truck,that one was not worth the $1000 to fix it,mechanic blames me.(I almost kicked the crap out of him,almost)

    now I at this point had enough,thought well things can only get better now,wrong again Henery.

    8-wife leaves again don't know were, but the cops tell me not to try to get a hold of her.

    9-go to court, I am a guy in family court need I say anymore.

    10-get laid off from work,after telling my boss I am under terible stress and mite have to take a leave,1st he suspends me then when I come back layoff no notice no call back-did you know that is legal.

    11-now the bitch after accussing me of everything beating her,verble and every kind of abuse a man can do,and now saying I sexually assulted my daughter.

    This all happen to me in the last year,I thought 2007 sucked 2008 is the worst year of my life, so am I angry? That is the under statement of the year.They tell me I have anger issues, that a person should not show anger because if you do you deserve all the things you get.

    Did I mention its been since May 14th my kid lived with me and I could only see her for 3 hours its now August 22.And all the government officals think a kid does not need their fathers love just his money.Got the support settled in less than 5 minutes,access over 3 months nothing yet,o sorry I get 2 hours evey two weeks,as long as the centre is open and my kid is not sick.my kid seems to be sick alot.

    P.S. I never sufferd from road rage.I do beleve i forgiveness. and after all this I still have hope of better daze.

  • Francine

    I am angry all of the time. At everything. At everyone.

    Somedays it's stronger than others. But on most days it's definitely there.

    On the grand scale of things, I know that my life isn't that bad. I've lived through family members dying of cancer, but I've never been too far from the reach of good graces. I've always had a good home to go to, even if it was highly disfunctional -- who's isn't. Yet, I see this inner anger tearing me and my relationships apart. I don't know where it stems from or how to deal with it.

    I feel like I can't move forward and that I'm running on a hamster wheel -- spinning my tires, always in the same place.

  • ChineseSapphire

    I noticed that whenever my boyfriend thinks/has upset me, he then gets angry and starts hurling abuse at me. I have no idea why and he won't discuss it now...There is obviously something that happens in his thought pattern in between realising he's upset me and getting angry. I'm just trying to work out what...

  • dhebz

    i had been angry easily before. When i was in college, in a very little thing, i got angry. perhaps, i dont know the reasons. For instance, i saw a situation which i really dont like, i got mad.

    then for a long time. i got mad. i cant help it.

    somehow, i am depressed in everything. i am irritable.

    then i'd learn how to control my anger moods. but not 100%.

    i do certain activities to lessen my bad mood.

    like i've watch my favorite basketball, either PBA or NBA. through this, i lessened my simpel irration.

    but , i dont eat when i am in a bad mood. it is not helpful.

    remember that anger is a normal feelings beacuse were human, but in every way, we must learn to control it becuase it may harm someone.

  • Anonymous-1

    the current issue that is provoking my aggression is an indiviual who i do not talk to or about that is telling my closest friends that i am a bad person. i care very dearly about my friends and family, i have never hurt any of them. i guess the thing that is aggravating me is pain. in the form of pure disrespect it purely pisses me off that i havent said anything about or done anything to this guy and he is still talking about me. but i dont consider disrespect very painful. so i cant truly find the presence of pain in my anger.

  • Chase

    I am only 19 years old and I think I have serious anger problems. I have tried to think logically and diagnose the reason for my anger but most of the time there is no apparent reason. I just break out in angry rage and cannot keep myself from feeling this way. Do I have a problem or do I "sweat the small stuff." I have spoken with my parents about it but all they can say is, "YOU CONTROL YOU!" Is that even an attempt to understand? I get this way all the time and it comes out in bad, mean ways towards my fiancee and I love her. She shouldn't have to deal with that. I think a lot of my anger comes from being scatter-brained. I can't remember anything. The parents say I just don't have my priorities straight but I really just can't remember. I'm not looking for an excuse, I'm looking for reason behind the anger. I tend to be unhappy with life in general and although I know I "have it good" I still am never content. I am always frusterated and extremely irritable. My fiancee is in the Army and has been gone for pretty much the past 5 or 6 months. We've only been together for about a year. How am I supposed to live like that? I feel bound by committment and alone at the same time. I've always been the center of attention and the life of the party. I'm great with people but most of humanity just doesn't use their brain and that makes me mad! Also, I get furious when people argue with me when I know what I'm talking about. In my opinion, I'm very intelligent but I'm always spoken down to. What does a 19 year old know, right? I find myself wanting to drift into the oncoming lane when I see a car pass by. Sometimes I am the nicest, sweetest guy alive but others I'm the meanest, angriest, most stubborn guy alive. I can do nothing to control myself when I'm angry and SO many things just piss me off! So my comment is just to ask, should I seek help? Or should I try some sort of medication? How do I resolve this issue and keep from being so angry all the time? Thanks, Chase

  • Lydiee

    wowww this is so true.
    people say stuff to me or some small thing happens and it just makes me tweak.
    like a floodgate is opened and I feel really powerful, not helpless like I was before.
    I hurt everyone who is closest to me.
    my parents, my brother and sister, my boyfriend, my best friends...
    I really don't know what sets it off but I go insane for a little while.
    I saw my best friend's brother running game on some girl when he has a girlfriend and I lost my mind.
    I ran up to him and backhanded him and started screaming at him.
    haha everyone there thought I was on drugs.

    but seriously though anger is tough.
    and when you give in and let it take you to a place where you are safe and powerful, you're more helpless than ever. because your external circumstances are still the same ones that made you feel helpless in the first place, and now you're powerless on the inside too, because of the anger controlling you.

  • karin

    I'm sorry but I REALLY do not agree that when in pain we rarely get angry at people who are not responsible for causing the pain as your article states. I have been handicapped and in pain for two years following a car crash (driver's fault, I was on bike) and only rarely am angry with the driver. Instead I vent my frustration and anger on my loved ones who are only trying to help... How can I avoid this behaviour?

    Please help!

  • staci

    work with children with different types of background. 14 year old who has been dx with bipolar, however, i feel its more just anger issues than bipolar. any thoughts on one in stable home with Dad, but lies, takes things from Dad to the point he has to lock his office and bedroom, when has anger issues this child destroys thing in his way family support is there, just hard reaching him.

  • Anonymous-2

    My husband is a tall, handsome, angry man, who is unable to respond to life without anger. I respond to his anger by detaching myself from him and giving him the cold shoulder, which in turn makes him angry again. I recently lost my job which was more than half our income, and he is angry about that. He also got a new puppy who is testing his limited patience and is a new source of daily outbreaks of rage, usually at me, over how I disagree with the proper way to raise the puppy. I am afraid our marriage is going to end badly unless my husband, who was raised by an angry, critical father, is able to get a handle on his emotions. I know anger is a way to control other people. What is the best way for me to deal with this man? I love him and don't want to lose him, but I am walking on eggshells and constantly depressed.

  • Anonymous-3

    hope things get better for you!!!!!

  • mr. bill

    i am a stay at home dad who has worked his whole life. i have serious problems with everything. i fill like i am going to explode. i am married with 3 beautiful little girls. my wife works very hard and puts up with me and loves me more than anything. i have everything you could wish for, but am the most miserable person in the world. i just want to be happy, but i struggle to be happy. i thrive off of being angry. that is what keeps me going. i yell, scream and go ballistic on my kids and sometimes friends. i have been like this my whole life. i am off and then on. i have issues deep down inside and wish they would just go away. i live my life for my kids the best i can, but when i explode, i just can not control my actions. my biggest problem is that i just do not care what anyone thinks about me, or do i. i believe in God and the word of God, but just can not find the peace that God has given me and everyone else. these times in life are not helping much either. i am a husband and a father that loves his family and needs to be at peace with his past and the present. i know everyone has there problems in life. what am asking for? i do not know. i have lots of love, but no peace, joy or happiness. just a lot of frustration and anger.

  • Michelle

    I have always had a bad temper, but it's starting to interfere with my life and the people I love so much. I am always on the defense mode with my boyfriend. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and anything he tells me I have trouble not twisting his words and making it sound as if he were against me. In my previous relationship, my boyfriend was very abusive. I still have trouble forgiving him and moving on. I really want to be happy and let go, but I am afraid I will be one of those people who will never have peace and be content with themselves. I dont know how to control my anger, sometimes I snap at my boyfriend over the smallest things and I can see the hurt in his eyes. I really love him and think he might be "the one", but I sometimes feel I dont deserve him. He reassures me that I do and that he will try and helpme throgh this. Sometimes I snap at my mom, who has been there through everything--- I snap at my little brother too and feel so guilty after I snap at the people I love. I always apoligize, afterwards but its like a broken record. They always forgive me, but sometimes I probably dont deserve forgiveness. I have so much guilt and sometimes I cry because I feel so alone and so sad about myself. I amso grateful for everything in my life, but I still struggle to find peace within myself. Then I think maybe Im just a big crybaby and need to suck it up. I have so many emotions and cant control them or stop them from constantly going up and down!! I know Im a good person and have a good heart but I am so lost right now and need help.

  • NICOLE

    I feel the same exact way as Michelle. I'm constantly snapping on my loved ones. I tend to get mad over the simplest things . Sometimes when im angry I release my frustration by breaking things, screaming, or even speeding. After im done venting i reflect back at what I've just done and i just feel like a monster. I'm an overrall nice person but my anger always seems to get the best of me. I feel as if I have so much built up emotions inside that I just want to release. I've been through so much things since I was a child to know. I grew up feeling as if my parents didn't love me as they should to having an abusive and cheating boyfriend and backstabbing friends. There's been so much stuff that people have said about me and I've just held them inside and allowed for them to bluid up inside me. With my first boyfriend i was very naive and because of that i was taken advantage of. And as a result of that I've had a problem trusting and believing people. That's why im always puting up a defense to my boyfriend because I'm afraid of being hurt again. I sometimes portray myself as being a tough person, but deep down im the complete opposite. I know I'm not crazy but my actions sometimes tend to suggest that I am. One of the reasons why i snap so often is because of my boyfriend. I've been with him for almost 4yrs and we have a child together. My main issue with him is that he thinks that he's never WRONG. There's been plenty of times where we've had arguments and i just take the blame and apologize just so we could stop arguing. He's a nice guy but he feels as if he has no FAULTS, and thats impoossible because no one is perfect. Sometimes I try to work on controlling my anger but my alternatives haven't been the best. Thing whole being unable to control my anger/ emotions is eating me up inside. And i don't want to end up losing the ones that I care about over this.

  • Anonymous-4

    I am knid of always worried because of Money and getting things good between my wife and my parents. My mind always thinks about it 24 x 7. What should I do to get rid of it and really live a life.

  • mum of three

    i always seem to get mad for realy nothing at my 3 kids , i always shout and scream at them and cant seem to controle it . i try and explain that i dont mean to and just to egnore me wen i get like that .bt i just cant seem to stop , i didnt have a very good child hood ... and i dont want my kids thinking ime some raving loonatic . i think i have ocd and this makes my temper worse coz i hate any thing out of place and i like things done in a setain way and it as to be that way or i get realy stressed and i cant cope .. i sum times think ime going insane . been to doctors they say i suffer with anxiety and chooked me some antidepresants . which they dont help one little bit . i hate being the way i am and i hate my kids seeing me this way i realy want to change but dont no how to go about it and i dont no wots up with me ive always been like it , it just keeps getting worse

  • kot

    ok so idk whats goin on. i get pissed at things that i clearly know arent anyones fault. i know this and then i aim my anger at my luck. and that shit boils up. then whenever a person wrongs me, i go crazy. i start plotting how to kill them. and i know just how easy it is. i lost 2 friends to murder, and one of them ddnt get caught. both in the head, n left. and i know that shit DEFF aint normal. but i cant help it. its just always what i jump to. or beating them unconcious then carving my name into their cheek so theyll never forget it. almost as if id be teaching them a lesson or making an example out of somebody. havent done it, but im a lil worried ab the thoughts. a bit excessive, but to be honest, it gets the job done first try. and ive even come up with a prison game plan if it boils over n i get sent there. itd be nice to find out the problem and nip this in the butt b4 i let go. ne ideas or reccomendations?

  • Anger Machine

    I dont know where to begin. I moved from being in an angry environment to a hurtful environment. Both homes are abusive. I am now just beginning to substitute anger to fill in for this hurt at the new home. I cant stand anything the people do here, it makes me angry because I'm technically not part of the family and don't want to get in the way. I am now realizing what this family is doing. They're looking for a scapegoat to give all their anger to. They've chosen me because I'm not going to me a selfish dumbass like the rest of these snobs. I also have nowhere to go right now so Ill deal with it and isolate myself to not deal with their nasty comments. They also say they like me. If they like me or not, I don't appreciate the anger they dish out towards me. I am trying new ways to block their stupid comments out of my head from seeping into my heart. I'm not going to deal with another living situation like this. I'm smarter than that, but when I talk to them my mind goes blank. All my thoughts are lost and I can't think. Whats going through my mind at the time is trying to block out the negetavity. I can't seem to think of anything else because all my energy is going into blocking it out. I would like to go to a shelter or another group home that would just let me live without criticizing me or judging me on my actions and what I do, but I also know that I probably couldn't deal with myself there because my anger would cause me to get in trouble and becamse dillusional. I've only lived for 19 years, I constantly feel alone, and I don't know what to do about it. I write in journals and draw pictures and be by myself because I know I won't be an asshole to myself. I hate both the sons at this place because they're very unaccepting and think the world is theirs. The mother becomes angry at everything, and the father is an insane genius. I'm very unhappy here, and the oldest daughter had to leave to save her sanity. I would like to do the same, however, I have no money and am in constant fear of being on the streets. I don't like to deal with pain so I block it out and think of nothing. I shut down my anger because I know if I lash out, I'll be living on the streets again. I'm such a good person, but everyone I've come into contact with I'd like to brutally kill for being absolutely inconsiderate of other people's needs. I don't think this is the life a 19 year old girl should have, nor anybody for that matter.

  • Joe

    Ask your Youth and Family Services , for Anger Management Education Groups , near or far from where you live. I did and I am finding peace of mind.

  • Anony4life

    I have so much repressed anger. My boyfriend absolutely doesn't clean up after himself. It's like he is attracted to chaos. I like fun, and I'm not a huge neat freak, but I mean, I'm fricken 8 months pregnant. He needs to stop being such a pansy and start cleaning up after himself. His Mommy pays for his insurance, phone, and lawyer's fees. The only thing he has to pay for is utilities, cabel, and rent, and he has the ardasity to ask me if I have any money for rent this month. He works 80 hours a week, and there's no reason for it. He has a three year old son from a previous marriage and we get the little guy every other weekend. Most of the time, we get him early, and my boyfriend will pick him up on a thursday, and have his Mom or me take care of the little guy while he works. It's like, if you can't be there for your son, why agree to pick him up early? He never asks me or his mom ahead of time or has any organized plan, and neither does his ex wife. I n all actuality, he doesn't even talk to his ex wife, he talks to her fiance. Low and behold, her fiance used to hit on me and went to highschool with me. I'm so incredibly frusterated. What am I going to do when the baby gets here? Is my boyfriend going to pawn his three year old onto me, while I'm also taking care of our newborn? How can I handle this without holding it all in and then exploding if it happens?

  • Hero

    Harry Mills, this article is great and has helped me tremendously, that you very much. I have had anger control issues to the point of almost going to jail for bottling someone for saying the wrong thing to me.

    Understanding the self-righteous feelings anger gives you and the fact it is just covering up pain makes so much sense.

    Fantastic article, thank you so much.

  • Anonymous-5

    This article has helped me understand why I have been so obsessed and angry. For two years I have been unable to get the situation out of my head. I have lashed out and done my best to destroy the person who I felt was totally responsible. I can see now that I was so hurt on so many levels but I used anger instead. Slowly, I have come to realize that she is majorly messed up and will never be OK and I should pity her, not try to damage her further. After this article, I can see clearly just what I felt and why.

  • Nin

    Yes! This post is a lovely addition to explaining why a process called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg works. cnvc.org.

    Anger is an important emotion, it can lead us to our deep inner feelings. It shows us something is not right within us. NVC shows you what you are disconnected from, in terms of values and needs not being met. Managing your feelings by showing yourself in anger and suppressing your feelings or getting angry at someone with judgements is not the path to your happiness.

    You can use anger to discover what you really need inside. You can learn to meet your needs in constructive fulfilling ways instead of harming yourself and others.

  • Anonymous-6

    Even though I am usually calm I do tend to get angred by even the PRECENCE of a human being other than myself. I have actually strangled someone for looking at me wrong. But I didn't realise it until I saw that my hand was wrapped tightly around their throat. Is it possible I am too far gone into the state of MADNESS?e

  • Anonymous-7

    I've been married for almost ten years now. During this time I have delt with a lot of past issues from my childhood, been unable to get pregnant, lost family members to arguements, found my biological father (after I turned 30- and I have a lot of issues with that- all the lies I was told about him while growing up), I don't work because I put on so much weight I'm unhealthy and that alone broke me emotionally. I went from skinny and attractive, well respected and liked, to gross and obese and people I cared about no longer wanted to be associated with me because my looks changed (yes I was told so). I started withdrawing into myself. I began to push a lot of people away. I have these fears my husband will go too even though he says he won't. It kills me not being able to have a baby- its all I've ever wanted. I felt like I was meant to be a mother and its this big gaping hole in me. No one cares or is sympathetic. I keep hearing: hang in there it will happen. I just want to scream at them to shut up. I hate the little things people say to pacify a painful situation. I know they mean well. But honestly, I can't look at other peoples kids or watch a movie without later crying so hard and becoming deeply depressed for a while. I know I've pushed people away, but now I am so freaking lonely. I see my husband a few hours a day between work and sleep and its just not enough. We don't have enough money for me to go out on my own and be social (gas goes into our one vehicle for my husband's work, we budget for food, no way I can afford to drive around, go to lunch or visit with friends). I know that all of this causes me to not even want to try in life. I feel like giving up all of my dreams. I'll admit I've cut myself in the past, or even had suicidal thoughts. Looking at me, you would have no clue. I don't think my husband knows how much I hurt inside. Tonight, he went to bed early. I know he's tired. He deserves to sleep. He is good to me. But I instantly became angry. To a boiling point. I told him to just go to bed and ignore me. When he left the room I wanted to throw things, ransack everything. Scream. I'm at my wits end. Its this round robin that just won't stop. Day after day, year after year. Everything feels so pointless. I'm really tired of it! I don't know what to do or how to fix it. I have repressed my feeling for now but I'm terrified if I don't find an outlet that things will get worse. I look at the other comments and feel unworthy of my feelings. So many others have gone through so much. I'm whining about loneliness and being unable to have a baby. But, in the end that is what is killing me inside. This article made me realize that I already knew that anger was a substitute but just to hear it made me analyze myself. I'll be alright, I know it. I just wanted to share for some reason. In writing this, my anger is gone and now its just pain.

  • Dan

    My anger comes from frustration, fear that I can't do something,or I don't have contol a person, place or thing.

  • Anonymous-8

    I'll be perfectly fine one minute, and the next angry over stupid things like the shampoo lid being left off. The i get so angry I'll

    take apart the whole bathroom and redo all of it when all that needed done is the lid put back on the shampoo, but I tear the bathroom completely just because seeing the lid of mad me angry,

    whats wrong with me?

  • zuley

    I get mad about anything ,any little thing i cant deal with it anymore i now i need help my parents dont want to recognise it i cry moat of the times because i hate myself fir being like this.My boyfriend allreadytold me that i should go to a paychologist but i dont havr enough money,my mom does but she does not want to recognise that i suffer from anxiety,and anger problems what Can i do!??please someone help

  • Anonymous-9

    How all our educated "experts" come up with solutions to lifes problems they themselves have never experienced themselves. Some of these folks haved lived thru experiences they NEVER will get over no matter how much counceling they get.And a lot of folks here who are angry are because they are in relationships that are really phycologically abusive. Both men and women.This is a sick society we live in. And the chances of running into one of these losers will happen.

    I've been angry most of my life for one reason or another. And none of these issues were "minor". These days I'm a lot more carefull who I hang around with. And I mind my buisness more.

    So far as I'm concerned a number of the folks deserve my wrath. They earned it. No go ahead and slam me for my spelling. I don't care.

  • jessie-jai

    i dont know what it is that sets me off i take everything as an offense. i grew up with a single mom and 5 siblings. i dont know who my dad is even if my mom told me who it is but everyone else denies it even my so called dad. i dont know if it was my childhood which was pretty good i guess but i had some days which i can recall where i was done. i am now grown up with my family and a couple years ago i starting realizing my anger, sessentment towards anyone grew. i tried masking it and hiding it but eventually i started hurting the ones i love not that i wanted to. i try talking and venting about it but the problem just get worse with me yelling and feeling like everyone is against me. i have tried taking pilss they do help but make all lala loopsy. i tried being more sociale going out and i notice am not that angry, but when am alone at home it just feels like my brain thinks of any and every negative stuff and assume people hate me. i was bullied growing up from alot of people, i dropped out of school because i couldnt take it and now i feel like such a big jerk for not taking control and letting this anger have the best of me. i dont know if its just in my head but i read all the comments and now that i know am not alone, i do want to try to become at peace with everything and everyone in my life. i dont want a stroke or heartattack i want to be heslthy stressed free and not worrying like i used too.

  • Anonymous-10

    i think i have anger issues. I hit my 6 year old brother in rage for no good reason. Ive been hiting him for years and then i stoped for a year or so and then i started again. I yell at him and call him names. I have a really bad adittued ive been told. usually by my parents. if im not in the mood at school and someone touches me i go off on them. People justs breathing or eating too loud iritates me. i cant stand being corrected, im very deffenceful, and get pissed very easily. if im watching my brother and no one is home, sometime i yell at hime for no reason and sometimea even threaten him. i punch stuff, Throw things, and just go off on people. Ive already be diegnosed with depression and anxiety. Also people have told me i have anger issues. im kinda wondering if its true.

  • Anonymous-11

    I'm 40 years old and I've always been a grumpy person. My Dad id very similar, especially as he gets older. My Mum and sis also but nt quite so much.

    I react disproportionally to many insignificant things like someone not pulling away quick enough at the lights, a comment which I percieve as meaning disrespect, a collegue loughing of eating too loudly, someone on TV saying something silly and so on. I often allow my anger to spill out in the way I drive, taking unacceptable risks or, the way I carry out tasks like cooking for example. The other day I flew into a rage, in the kitchen, all by myself, cos I spilled my bawl of porridge. I was screaming and slamming cupboard doors... then, as ever, I calm down and shame and fear comes over me. I say things to myself like, relax your muscles, breath slowly, calm down... but when anger takes over, it feels enpowering at some level...

    I dont want this. It is clear to me how this is not right. The precursor is always frustration. Something doesn't go as I want it to, I feel frustrated and the fuse is lit. If I don't estinghish it, it remains lit for ages and I often end up snapping at something totally unrelated 3 hours later.

    I feel much more confident in myself, my abilities and my mind and intellect at this stage of my life but as a youngster I was very insecure and I know many of these insecurities are still in the background, in my emotional sphere.

    Smooking weed helps, it's a good sedative. However I can't and won't smoke all the time. It makes me lasy and ineffective. The ammount of anger and the ease of irritability goes through ebbs and flows. Lack of sleep makes it worse. The job with its stress is another trigger.

    I don't even know why I'm writing this.

  • Bill

    I am no therapist but I do have 15 years of meditation under my belt. You think life should be this way and it turns out to be something else. Result? (I'm not addressing the abusive situations here, that requires action) Disappointment?, vulnerability? Fear?, Frustration?...Lack of control of the external world...powerlesness? What can I do about this? That is wrong, I am right...Things SHOULD be this way...MY way (loss of control is turning into something else now...) What is this new feeling? Self righteousness? (I dont know but this feeling is MUCH better than that helpless feeling) How bout anger? I have power now, either internally

  • Anonymous-12

    My dad is always in a negative mood he takes his anger on us by yelling at us or not talking to us.Im worry that he might need help,when ever we try to get closer to him as asking about his childhood or talk to him about why is he always mad.it just dosent help hen gets worst.

  • Mike

    Whenever this person is around, I am angry. I'm angry at them just because they're near me. They have to be around, unfortunately, but I am angry at the fact that they're even here. The times when they aren't around are times when I truly feel at peace inside and I'm actually happy, but as soon as they come home, I'm utterly enraged, but I never show it to them. When they're around, I feel trapped -- like I can't be myself. My girlfriend (whom I love dearly) told me that there is a word for this but she could not recall it. Does anyone know what it is? If anyone could help, that would be greatly appreciated.