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A Wife Writes: "Somehow, We Have Not Yet Had Sexual Intercourse"

Question:

I have been married for almost 11 months now – it is a love marriage and I love my husband very much. Likewise, for him. however, somehow, we have not yet had sexual intercourse. We have indulged in foreplay a few times and tried to have intercourse but i am paranoid about the pain, My dear husband refrains from doing it since he is scared it will hurt me. From my perspective, honestly, I just do not have the desire to have a sexual relationship – I seem to be happy with cuddling and hugs and kisses- why do we need more? My husband masturbates regularly but I am surprised, him being a man has not got me to do it for so long. I think the desire is low from both our sides and I am now beginning to get worried since we will want children sooner or later. I also used JY Jelly once which was helpful but somehow get nervous when he is about to enter – also, i have no clue as to how the big object will get into such a minute hole – i should mention that I feel no pleasure whatsoever when he touches me or indulges in foreplay. I do not understand – have I got over sex? I have never had sex in my life though was a little sexually active when I was younger. My husband and me are both 30 years old. Please advise. thanks.

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Answer:

Having read your letter, it seems likely to me that you are not over sex at all, but instead, inexperienced enough so as to be ignorant of how sex works. There is no shame in this. No one comes into the world with a knowledge of sex. This is something you learn over time and through practical experience, through experimentation during adolescence (if your culture allows for that or you are rebellious) or through marriage. Since you may not know some of what you need to know about sex, please allow me to provide some basic educational information.

It is true that some women experience pain upon first intercourse. But not all women do experience that pain, and almost universally the pain that is experienced, which can result from the tearing of the hyman, does not last for very long, and is quickly replaced by the pleasurable sensation of intercourse. The vagina is a flexible organ built to accommodate intercourse. Though you may not think you can accommodate your husband, the likelihood is that there will be no problem at all, even if he is quite well endowed. Most women experience spontaneous vaginal lubrication upon becoming aroused (which occurs during foreplay of the type I describe below). If this does not occur for you, or if you do not lubricate enough to make penetration a pleasurable event, consider the use of a commercial lubricant such as Astroglide is perhaps a more complete and modern reference to consider.

An unpleasant thought occurs to me, that if you have been born and raised in certain areas of the world including most prominently parts of Africa, you may possibly have been the victim of "female circumcision", otherwise known as female genital mutilation or female genital cutting. This practice involves the surgical alteration of the female genitals to either remove the clitoris or hide it beneath an altered labia. Without a clitoris, women have a far more difficult time enjoying sex! If you are not knowledgeable concerning whether you are intact or not, please consult with a medical doctor who will be able to let you know.

It may be useful to the two of you to consult with a sex therapist who can help assure you that you are normal, and that there is nothing to be fearful of. Sex therapists practice in most major cities in the United States, and may or may not be available where you live. If you cannot find a sexual therapist you may wish to be examined by a medical doctor just so as to set your mind at ease that you are mechanically capable of enjoying intercourse. Anything you can do to lessen some of your fear and your husband’s fear will help.

A final thought to consider is that if you and your husband want to have a family, you should really get started on that project now. While men remain fertile well into their old age, women can begin to have fertility problems in their later thirties. Women giving birth at age 35 or older are considered to be "at risk" for instance, because not only does the chance of getting pregnant fall rapidly in the middle 30s, but also the genetic quality of the eggs available inside a woman lessens, accompanied by an increased risk of birth defects such as Downs Syndrome. It’s not like you need to run out and get pregnant immediately, but you don’t have five years to figure this out. At age 30, you have more like two or three years before you need to be concerned that you will run out of time.

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