Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?

Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?

The second question, "Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?" is also somewhat complex to understand. Partners in abusive relationships have varying reasons for remaining in them. A first layer of the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship is practical, even if they are not always rational. Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on them. For instance, an abused stay-at-home mother may feel that she cannot leave her abusive relationship because if she did, she would have no way of providing for her children. Other abused people stay because they believe that is the proper thing to do, given their religious or cultural background. Some practicing Catholic people, for example, believe that divorce is a bad thing to be avoided at most all costs. They may be motivated to put up with a lot of spousal abuse because the alternative is to go against the teachings of their church. Still other abused people may rationalize staying in abusive relationships because they think it is the right thing to do for their children. They might say to themselves, "If it was just me, I'd leave this marriage, but my children will be better off coming from an intact home than from a divorced one". This may not be a rational position to take in all cases; the children may be in fact far more damaged by staying in proximity to an abusive father than they would be by being raised by a single mother. However, regardless of the truth of any of these rationalizations, the believe that they are true is more powerful than whether or not they are really true.

A second layer of reasons for why people stay in abusive relationships is uncovered by learning about the so-called "cycle of abuse." In a typical instance of domestic abuse (where one partner is abusive towards the other), abuse tends to occur periodically (cyclically), rather than constantly (all the time). There is no clear beginning to the cycle of abuse, but for purposes of describing it, we can start at an arbitrary stage along its progression. Something event occurs, whether real or only imagined by the abuser, that generates feelings of anger or even rage. These feelings then lead to the second stage of the cycle, which is where the actual abusive behavior occurs. Such behavior may be verbal, physical, emotional/mental, or sexual in nature. If the cycle stopped here and stayed constant, most victims would find it very easy to leave and not endure abuse for long periods of time. However, shortly after the abusive event occurs, the abuser frequently expresses remorse or guilt and wants to apologize. The abuser will swear, "It will never happen again" and may shower the victim with gifts and demands that the victim forgive him or her. There may be so-called "makeup sex" which can be quite pleasurable and provide the victim with a sense that he or she is valued, and really loved. In a parent/child abusive relationship, guilt over abuse may be expressed as special privileges or gifts for the child victim. Following the guilt and making up stage comes a "honeymoon" or latency period during which things are good for a while between the partners. Inevitably, in truly abusive relationships, the latency period ends with the beginning of another abuse episode; the abuser again feels angry, disrespected or treated poorly in some way and the cycle starts all over again.

Though such cyclical abuse is repetitive and predictable, it is also intermittent, and the rest of the relationship might be perceived as good enough or even loving. In this context, victims often rationalize that they aren't really being abused, that their partner really loves them despite being abusive and that makes it okay, that the abuse really isn't all that bad, and other similar statements. Victims are motivated to generate excuses their abuser, to think of each abuse episode as a "one time" thing (even when it isn't), and to focus on the good aspects of the relationship (particularly those positive things that during the guilt/latency phase of the abuse cycle) and convince themselves that the relationship is really a good one and that everyone has some problems in a relationship, i.e., my partner just occasionally loses his/her temper when really stressed at work, etc. Or for those with poor self-esteem, the rationalizations may be thoughts such as “I don't deserve any better” or “this is the best relationship I've had in my life.”

Victims may have any number of low-self-esteem type beliefs that also keep them paralyzed and willing to accept something that is merely "good enough." They may believe that they will be alone forever if they go out on their own. They may believe that they are so damaged that they would only pick another abusive partner anyway so why not stay with this one? They may believe that they don't deserve any better than to be beaten or raped on a semi-regular basis. Abusers may reinforce this lack of self-worth by saying that abuse is normal, that they are over-reacting, etc.

Victims that do try to break away from abusive partners may find that abuse escalates to dangerous proportions. Abusive partners may stalk victims who try to leave them, beat them severely, or otherwise attempt to control their ability to exit the relationship. If they don't threaten to kill or harm the victim or the children, they may threaten to harm themselves, and by so doing, guilt the victim into feeling sympathy for them and then staying to prevent the threatened suicide from happening.

The combination of internal self-esteem deficit, intermittent actual abuse, makeup sex or other positive attention obtained in the wake of abuse episodes, and escalating threats when the victim tries to get away is enough to convince many victims to stay put. Every time a victim forgives an abuser, that abuser is reinforced for being abusive, and it becomes that much more likely that the abuser will become abusive again in the future. The net effect is that the abuse tends to continue forever until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death (e.g., murdered, in the most serious, violent cases). This truth is frequently lost on both the abuser and the victim, however.

Comments
  • k.

    you dont explain how to leave, when leaving leads to a fight

    Editor's Note: Information on leaving an abusive situation is given on a different page of this article.

  • Anonymous-1

    why do the abusers make us feel like everything is our fault.I can no longer do anything right for him anymore, i try my hardest to please him but he has always got a way to put me down being the housework,how i look after my two young boys and even the way i look. if i cry in front of him he tells me im imature. if i dont remember dates for appointments i get called thick. last year he tried to stab me, he has split my lip while i was 8 months pregnant. it went to court but i didnt show up but i cant explain why not. is this really all my fault i could of put a stop to it but i didnt. Now its escalating out of control again, although not physical. it has got to that point now where i feel so low i cant even leave the house. what do people like us do when we have no self confidence to do anything.

  • Anonymous-2

    I used to know when to keep quiet and not respond. Now I don't know when or why. It's to the point where if I'm quiet, I start it because I'm not paying attention or I do respond, I start it because I'm not quiet. I really can't figure it out. I'm at a loss. Small town, no money, no close friends I can talk to. My destiny, I guess

  • confused..

    im a young girl in highschool and im researching relationship abuse for my grade 11 class...and this page happened to catch my eye. i wouldnt consider myself being someone in a abusive relationship..im no longer dating the boy i was dating for a good 13 months but even still he continues to harrass me sometimes...wen he got mad hed always hurt me emtionally and he always mad it seem lie it was my fault..everything always seemed to be my fault even wen it was him who had caused the fight...we had broken up just recently, and i wasnt too happy..my boyfriend was never jealous, but sometimes he got mad at me wen i would talk to other boys,saying hes gonna get them and i shouldnt talk to them..sometimes that was understandable, because the guys were creepers and like, asking me to do things i didnt want to. he got mad at me alot for silly things because i care alot for him and id be concerned for his health and hed get mad wen i suggested he shouldnt be doing something..now dont get me wrong, a majority of the relationship was happy. he never ever hit me..even wen it seemed like he wanted to, he never did. its just sometimes the jokes he made and the things he said i took offence to then hed say i was too uptight because i never got the joke. i love him with all my heart...and i noe he loves me too because even now wen we are broken up he tells me so. but i just cant help but wonder if i WAS in an abusive reltionship. because sometimes he made me cry, and now here in the present, rite now, im suffering from depression, but thats not all his fault, because ive had other things happen to. but i wonder if some of the things he says or does, makes him abusive, because i never saw it...he just upset me alot and we fought alot... anyways thnx for taking the time to read this.. yours truly, confused

  • Anonymous-3

    sometimes i get really jealous when my boyfriend talks to other girls. but at the same time i always feel like i need his attention. am i abusive?

  • Anonymous-4

    Hello to the girl in 11th grade who shared about you and your boyfriend. I wouldn't analyze him so much or blame yourself at all. Even if something "was your fault", that is not how mistakes should be treated. Do'nt ever, ever wait for a guy to change. Don't ever look back at the beginning of the relationship and wonder about how it was so good then and why did it go wrong later. Lots of relationships are great at first when they are new before you really start to get to know someone deeply. Keep him away from you, let your space be your space and pretty soon the feelings you had will fade and you will discover YOURSELF more. You are important, take care of yourself and the right one will love YOU for who you are. Also, you started your comment with "I'm a young girl..." Yes, you are young. Remember that. I'm 27 and looking back at high school, I didn't know what I wanted fully. You are still going through so many things and will know more and more about who you are meant to be. Don't let this abuser trick you into thinking he is good. Its so confusing, but if you are confused ---say no! You should be sure. Not to say anyone is perfect and will fill your needs completely, but you wouldn't be tossing and turning over the right guy. Hold out for it. It will come. But be willing to wait, don't be afraid to say no to people and remember you are young. :-) --An Older Sister

  • LOST RELATIONSHIP

    I have been married for five years. During this marriage, I have been verbally, physically & emotionally abused. My husband has contacted other women behind my back (one he conducted a relationship for over two years - supposedly only verbal not physical -yeah). He continously makes me feel as though no one else will want me. He is always angry at me and the world. He hollers constantly at me, the kids, or even the dogs. Outside the home, he is friendly and polite to others. A statement he repeats to me is that I do not appreciate him and everything he does is not good enough. We have both verbally abused each other. In the heat of an argument, it is difficult to refrain from using angry words. I have apologized numerous times, but he always reverts back to the name calling in the arguments. He has not provided for me sexually in four months! It is though he uses sex as a gift to me whenever "he" is ready. He states he can not be physical with me because of the name calling from the arguments. I am angry because of his rejection! I am so confused with this relationship that I am not sure if we love or hate each other. WHERE TO GO OR WHAT TO DO?

  • David

    I wondered if unconsciously, if you have set yourself up for the marriage, because it is familiar. I imagine your father was abusive towards you & you attract men just like your father. Why would you stay in a marriage where you are being abused, especially physically? Don’t you think you are putting yourself & your kids at risk? Your husband has quite a lot of unprocessed feelings & is using you as a SCAPEGOAT to vent his rage. I imagine he is acting out his own history. I would suggest that you take your children & yourself & get away from this man as quickly as possible. Your husband is quite a dangerous man, & there is no excuse for physically abusing you. He will continue to abuse you unless you put up a boundary. If you can’t protect yourself from this man, think of your children. Your responsibility is to protect them & give them a nurturing environment or you will lose them. You are not getting your needs met (sexually) & I imagine that you feel trapped. Why didn’t you call the police & have your husband arrested? This man doesn’t deserve you but at the same time you have contributed – it takes two to tango, I suggest you see a therapist & process your history.

  • mel

    my boyfriend is always angry. we recently had lots of problems with him and his internet chatting, it was really bad, with other women and exchanging nude pics etc. he told me he was sorry, that it won't happen again, that he loved me and that they are not important. i really believed him. now heis angry for everything. lke yesterday he said my attitude is childish and i throuw tantrums. because i cry and wine. its just that when he shouts at me, tha how i feel, like a helpless child. i waited patientl for him for finish up on the computer so i can do some work, when he let me have it, it was another argument of why i wanted go go upstairs with it. i said i could not concentrate with the tv on and he was watching football. i stay quiet a lot, because i fear anything i say will trigger something. last night he told me to leave, knowing very ell i have no where to go. i could not get out of bed this morning, i feel so depressed. i have never felt this low in my life. i really honestly believe its my fault and i have an attitude problem, that i trigger the anger in him. in the past he has said i made him feel lke crap. i do get angry to, but i forgive just as easily. i am so confused and not sure what to do anymore. i started lookin for a new place. this evening he got mad because he told me to get bread and i didnt. i honestly thought he said get it later. i seem to do everyhting wrong, guess i am a moron like he says.

  • Anonymous-5

    You're certainly not a moron and aren't crazy either. Your story is all to familiar to me. My boyfriend verbally and emotionally abused me while we were going out, even while I was pregnant. And I, using the same logic as you, am his wife now. Don't make the same mistake I did by marrying this clown only to snap back into reality and realize I had made a mistake. Marriage is the easiest to get into and the hardest to get out of, especially when it is abusive. Move out, spend some time alone and take the time to find yourself again becuase you seem so lost now.

  • Anonymous-6

    i am in a really bad relationship for the pst 3 years its mentall and physical abuse so much so i have permanent ringing in my ears cause of the amount of times i have been beaten. im still in the relationshp and wouldlve the strength to go

  • Anonymous-7

    Honestly I think that one of the hardest parts about being in one of these types of relationships is still feeling as though you truly belong with them. I am a very prominent figure in my community in the health field and Ive helped many girls or woman in the same situation as me and I still have been going through the same cycle for years. We are all very aware at some point through our relationships of the abuse and know that we need to leave but it just hurts even though staying hurts just as bad. We are scared to stay but scared to leave. I have been with a man who has emotionally, physically and verbally abused me over quite a few years. I was agaged to him for years and then married him. I rearaged my life for him, it has taken me 4 years of night school and begging and pledding with him to get where i am. after that it took another 4 more years all while working 55 hrs a week because he didn't believe that I could make it on my own, half of his abuse was to watch me fall , but I never allowed it because my parents helped me they sent out an FWI if i didn't attented school. I have been stuck in a situation for years that if i leave i probably will not see another day. I just pray and love all my others who can find the strengh to leave ,please help yourself because im in the middle of doing that. I will and I hope u will too, It will just take us some time I just want u all to understand that it comes in all shapes and forms we are not amune. Bless anyone who is going through this. we all will find strengh and move on some day.

  • Anonymous-8

    I have been dating the same guy for a little over a year and a half, but we have dated on and off for 15 years, dated in high school etc. He is like a time bomb. He likes to "teach lessons." Like putting me through verbal senarios that he makes up, and tells me that is what I do to him and he is teaching me a lesson. My father was verbally abusive when I was growing up, and I know this is why I accepted this behavior. I feel like he loves me, and I am the screw up. I can not jump through all the hurdles or dance fast enough. I always feel like it is all my fault, and he tells me everything is my fault. The problem is, I know that it isnt. To all of you women out there, putting up with the same things, to the abuse, all of it. Get out. They only have power over you if you let them. They get off on it. He once told me, when I needed to buy a mop and he was in a rush to eat, that I could get the mop OR I could eat. He makes rules for me. Tells me what I can and can not do, while he does everything he wants. I know my worth is better. I read all of these postings, and I ache for all of you women out there that have lost a piece of yourself, like I have. I wish I could give you your sparks back. I wish I could give me mine back too. Realizing what is going on is the first step. Stopping it is the next. You are in control of your lives not them. Please pick yourselves up, and save your lives.

  • al

    My sister is an emotionally abusive relationship and she calls me to vent. I feel so bad for her and I do everything I can to help her. She says that every time she tries to sit down and talk to him on a serious note he twists everything around and makes it seem as if it's her fault. He also tells her that she is just not ready for him and that perhaps she should just leave him. I think he's taking advantage of her because he knows he's got her where he wants her, and she's also pregnant. My sister has always been strong emotionally, and I've never seen her so vulnerable in my life. She loves him because he's the only one that makes her feel so low. Why is it that when someone is truly loved they abuse? She keeps waiting for him to change especially now that she's almost due. He says he's done partying and drinking as soon as the baby's born. to be continued, gotta go...

  • Benjamin

    I lost the love of my life 2 1/2 years ago, and even though I've moved on she keeps calling me saying her new boyfriend abouses her physically and sexually. It's been going on the whole time they've been together. Now they have a child together and she says it's so bad that she dosn't even see themselves together for the child. But she always comes up with excusses why she can't leave him. The biggest one is he's getting ready to go to jail for hitting 4 policemen when he was drunk, so she says she just wants to wait until he goes to jail. Over the holiday she call me and wanted to hang-out and I agreed. We went out to a christmas party and stayed out all night, I know what your thinking nothing happen, we even took her mother with us. The day after she stayed with me all day and then when she had to leave she said I needed to give her some money cause she told him she had worked all night and If she did'nt have any money he would beat her bad. So I gave her the money. I've only heard from her once since then she was crying and said she would call me back but she didn't call back. I spoke with her mother once and she said she was really depressed. What should I do if she calls back to help her? thanks benkjamin

  • Nicole

    For the comment left on Nov. 6th 2006 (from i don't know) about being jealous when your boyfriend talked to other girls. You are not being abusive by wanting his attention and not liking him socializing with other girls. I think the anger and jealousy is another byproduct of the abuse......"the other girls must be better than I am" or "why sin't he attracted to me like that" syndrome. I go through it too. I used to be open about sex, and now I make snide comments about other women because my boyfriend will comment on how hot they look. I actually think they (the guys) get off on the jealousy we feel. For the first comment on May 31, 2006 from (leaving help -k). Yes, no one tells us how to leave when the leaving part is dangerous. The two worst beatings I have ever had both came from me running out the door and him catching up to me at the car. After that....it's seems safer to never try. For the comment on Jan. 4, 2007 (abused ex girlfriend - Benjamin). Your ex girlfriend, despite how much you care for her, will never truely leave that situation, no matter what she says to you. This is what I believe about soulmates......your soulmate will be one of two things, the person that will enrich your life and soul, or the person that will completely destroy you. Think about that one for a moment. Depression and thoughts of suicide become an everyday thought process. And all my boyfriend will tell me is that I should seek help for the mental problems. Yeah...they sure know how to make us feel like it's all our fault, for everything.

  • A

    i know i'm in an abusive relationship, but somehow i cant get out. i love him so much, but he is like a light switch. turn him on - he's angry. turn him off - he's not. i dont know what to do, i want help, but i dont want to leave him. he has beaten me - hit me, punch me, left marks, bruises, head injuries, mouth injuries, he always yells at me telling me i can never do anything right. it's so fustrating.

  • Anonymous-9

    I'm afraid to leave because I have no where to go and no money to afford to be with out him I also have cancer problems what can I do. please advise

  • Lynne

    First no matter what you may have heard you deserve to be treated with respect. Second of all you may name call, yell or throw things etc to protect yourself. Protecting yourself is different than abuse. An abuser is not name calling etc to protect themself from you and they are in control of what they are doing. Your abuser will blame you and use all sorts of tactics to keep it going including crazy making etc. Call a shelter and get some counselling. Some of these people are excellent and helpful. If a counsellor acts like they don't believe you get a different counsellor. Don't expect friends and family to necessarily be there for you. It is hard for some of them to comprehend the violence. It seems unreal and they would rather think you had done something to provoke the abuse than to believe that can actually happen here in a civilized country. (Civilized?) Educate yourself and read the following book for some moral support. The book is the best I have ever read and is written by Lundy Bancroft who has worked with abusive men for 15 years and knows them well. It is nice to have some backing from someone who knows. "Why Does He Do That ?" is the title. You are not crazy and you do not deserve to be abused. Do your best to rebuild your self-esteem but first get some help getting out safely.

  • Anonymous-10

    i am a young female and me and my boyfriend had a baby he acts like im just the dumbest girl he has ever had but he loves me he dosent want to take care of our little girl and dosent want to work i pay all the bills and he just acts like i need his permission to talk and do things when his friends come around hes all happy and stuff then its like he see's me its like what does she want he is never home if i walk through the door he leaves i mean just this morning we got into and verbal argument infront of the baby because he said i was ignorante and childish he has hurt me so bad that im not even sure if i love him any more and all his friends are like he has alot of things going and and thats what makes him act like that but im taking care of a grown man that his parents dont even want staying with them his whole family hates me for no reason and im just thinking that its time for me to end this relationship be for some one gets hurt at times i want to hit him and make him feel how i feel when he talks to me like that. Then what realy makes me mad is that after he says what he wants he later says i love you and im sorry and the he tries to make me have sex with him by this point i want to spit in his face he has me to the point that i dont want to be in any more relationships i just want to raise my baby by myself he also has another baby mamma and its like he always tells me what he used to do for her when they were together and i dont care its so hard to talk to him hes like day and night on minute happy the next im a fat black b.... or he hates me and dont love me or he got another girl friend any way when he goes out with his friends i cant never find him or know were he is but everyone else seems to know were he is. well i must be going goodbye.(whats his problem????)

  • Kat

    I left an abusive relationship two years ago. I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused. I stopped caring about myself and became depressed, anxious all the time and without hope. I was completely brainwashed. The hardest thing I ever did in my life was to leave him, But now I look back and after two years I have accomplished so much and believe me it hasnt been an easy ride, but now I have hope and now I love myself again. The longer you stay, the more pieces of you they take until they start taking your soul. Keep in mind that love is not supposed to hurt, love is patient, love is kind. These men have an illness and more than that there abusive side is a part of their personality, you cant change that. Listen to that little voice inside of you thats begging you to leave and begging you to love yourself again....And your life may be difficult for a time but it will be easier than putting up with him

  • anonymous

    The reason why I did not get out this abusive relationship sooner is because I never realised that the namecalling, the cheating, the occasional mind game, the subtle put-downs and the insults, the switch on/off crazy/cheerful behaviour, the retaliations, the social isolation masked as extreme jelousy, were NOT mere incidents, but the product of a calculated, abusive campaign. I did call the local Help line on numerous occasions when I was tring to leave and all I was asked was whether he has beaten me. The problem is that this is the only question that hints on abuse. It is really misleading too, for it clears the whole range of psychological and emotional mistreatment as significant form of abuse. What I was supposed to tell them - yes, he has beaten me, choked me so that his nails sank into my neck, has hit my head and twisted my arm at different occasions on the past, but does not do that anymore? That when he yells and spits out of rage and is hovering on top of me or slams the door, or leaves me amidst an argument to go out unaccounted for, I am paralyzed with terror? That calling them is a reason to be paralyzed with terror? It was terrible, I used to be as in a state of shock, paralyzed and unable to do anything when I left for days. I did not understand why and how I was stunted even in everyday's life simplest tasks. It took really long time to straigthen things out. The greatest deal of healing began when during reading on relationships, I discovered a list of precautions that one might be in an abusive relationship and the list looked like a personality profile of my ex. It was like an epiphany. The more I read, the more liberated I felt. I had left physically months before, but this was the pivotal moment when my mind was freeing itself. The biggest confusion I had was the pity I felt for him all throughout leaving him and consequently when he attempted contact and I asked him not to call anymore or would not respond to e-mails. In respect to that I like to think that the person that I was attached to and had pity for, did not actually exist. It was an image, a mere shadow of the abusive person I spent 5 years with. Yet, less than an year later I do not feel anything. I do have delayed anger sometimes when I think about the times together and the clear (after educating myself extensively on abuse) indications that this is not a healthy relationship. You know, I used to think that this is what marriage is all about. Compromises, compromises. Unfortunately while I was compromising my integrity and my beliefs, his compromises were to "generously" switch off a horrendous temper tantrum. So, read as much as you can about abuse, eventually you will find advice that is appropriate for your situation, keep a voice or written journal (not only it straigthens your thoughts and lets you vent, but it seems like a protection against him too), educate your family and friends about abuse too. And get the hell out of there! It will be so worth it!

  • Brendie

    I left my husband of 10 yrs it was the BEST THING I EVER DID. Marrying him was the worst thing I ever did. I thought he was a 'good guy' deep down, with occassional bad behaviour, now I know he was a bad guy who occassionally 'acted good' to keep me around to do things for him. Suzanne Somers wrote about unhappy/ stuck relationships which are like building ourselves a nest, where it's all safe and comfortable because it's familiar - but although you cannot fall (up there in the safe nest) you also cannot fly. I love that thought, and YES now I can fly. I'm finding my wings again and the freedom and peace in my spirit reminds me how glad I am to be alive and without abuse. He still tries to play games with me and our son, he is a fool, but I'm cutting off the communication, to make sure he has no access to abuse me. It's sad but some people DO get a kick out of hurting others, they like to hurt others and they know they are hurting you, and don't care about hurting you. I always thought my ex didn't REALISE how much his words hurt me, so I'd try and let him know. He didn't want to know, he already KNEW and that was his plan!!! Girls - do not hang around for one more day. Go back to your parents and say humbly - I made a mistake. Especially if you have kids, they MUST BE PROTECTED and even little kids will be learning "what is normal" by watching your man abuse you. For their sake at least stop the cycle dead. You can do it, you can be very brave and stop it yourself. Pray for God to give you the strength if you're afraid and go.

  • Anonymous-11

    I got married a week before my 18th birthday. I already saw the signs of abuse prior to my decision, but I loved him and thought that marriage would change things. Today, as I head into my 10 years of marriage I 'm starting to feel the impact of my errors. The emotional abuse has become unbearable. I get put down on the daily basics, he belittles me in front of people. He always has a complaint whether it's the way i do my hair or what i cook for dinner, he says that i will never stand for his expectations and that i am worthless. He's been hanging out with a so called platonic female friend lately and never comes home on time. Always has financial problems. The reason i share this with all of you today is because i've had enough! I'm tired of feeling that i am uncapable of being loved or uncapable of doing things right. No one has the right to take you life from you and make it their own benefit. I have supportive friends that are willing to be by myside during this difficulty. I am at the stage of should i stay or should i go and know if i continue with him all i am going to gain is nothing.

  • Anna

    Abusive partners are everything you have described. I had only been with my ex boyfriend for 4 months,but it feels like a lifetime.At first, he was overly attentive, made me feel beautiful and special. He would send me lovely texts every day.

    Then i was seeing him virtually every night, being late for work and i hadn't seen my family for many nights. We were sleeping together a lot, i felt like i had found a lovely man.

    He didn't like not seeing me some nights and also didn't like me going out with friends from work.I knew really that something wasn't right,i attempted to leave him,but he always won me back.

    He wanted to get engaged etc and i moved in stupidly, things moved too fast. I feel stupid for being so trusting and believing he really loved me.He began joking about hitting me and controlling my days with him, i always had to watch films he liked, ate what he ate etc.

    He criticised my cooking and nothing was ever right what i did. I fell pregnant because he told me to not take the pill early on, i thought at this time that things would be happy, and i felt excitied about becoming a mother.

    I blame myself for ever bothering with him and feel like i've lost my spark i once had.

    He would make me feel so low, i would cry on my own. He never comforted me at these times. I'm having an abortion tomorrow, he has asked me if i'm sure, but that's just another way of trying to have a hold over me. He has three kids already with other women.

    Now, I fell optimistic about life, I should have gained the confidence not to keep going back to him so many times. Now i have my life back, I hope that other women going through the same problems will have the courage to get out. I'm not bothered about meeting anyone new for a long while, I need to heal first.

    Anyways, please trust your gut instincts and fly away, It's hard, because they make you feel like you're the one who is screwed up.

    Love to all. thanx. x x x

  • Cristine

    I've been with my boyfriend for 7 monts, and we are 4 months pregnant. In the beginning of my pregnancy, he was verbally abusive to me. He accused me on and off of lying to him, and keeping secrets. He checks my cell phone, and he would put me down and make me feel low sometimes.

    I love him but I feel that he doesn't feel the same. I want us to work out for the sake of our baby, but it looks all so blurry ahead.

    There are times I want to leave him and just never look back, end the relationship and forget about him. But I keep thinking he will change and his temper tantrums will go away.

    He's always quick to blame things on me and make it sound like it was all my fault. I can't seem to talk to him even in a calm manner. If I wasn't pregnant I would slap him and throw things at him but I don't. In alot of ways, I am scared to even try because he will threaten me saying, "if you weren't pregnant I would smack your mouth so bad".

    I know I am very stupid and stupid for typing this down instead of getting help. But I feel like I am being abused, just not physically.

    I saw this page and reading the article just reminded me of myself.

  • Jodi

    I dont know where to begin. I am stuck in the worst relationship of my life and believe me, my relationships havent been a picnic. My self esteem is shattered and has been since I was young. I have been abused in every way. 7 years ago I met a man who was sweet and caring and I thought "finally, I can breathe." Not so. Just another wolf in sheep's clothing. He is controlling and jealous. I have to sneek around to see to talk to friends and family. Well, I dont have to but choose to, its alot easier than dealing with the questions and negative comments. He has told me that I'm a terrible mother. He knows that is the one thing that is most important to me. It has been drilled into my head how terrible I am and now I'm afaid that I AM incapable of taking care of my children by myself. It has gotten so bad that I checked myself into a local crisis center, at his request. He brought me there and wanted to be a part of my therapy. No wonder, he knew that I wouldnt be honest to my therapist if he was there with me. I blamed myself. I have been prescribed meds for bipolar disorder. I just got home from the unit yesterday. On the way home he proceeded to tell me that he had a hard time taking care of the kids and had no help ect..... I guess I am supposed to feel bad for him but I dont. I take care of the kids day in and day out with no help. I also keep my house clean and cook. I want to dump the jerk but dont know where to go for help?

  • no name

    I met my husband in the internet and we got married a year later maily because I neede it green card. He was living far away still in the same state I wanted so badly that we live togther but he state in Sweden living together is not neccesay. Recently the ex wife with whon he shares custody of a little girl moved so far but close to me, now is neccessary living together. This man has threat me with everything anybody could imagine. We are living togehter since Sepr, he is european I am hispanic. He has said that he will call Inmigration if I lleave him and that he will call police and my work so they fire me etc. I hate him sometimes and the true I am not in love anymore. He argues EVERYDAY for anything. He blames me of been mean and have not manners he even say that I have a good job because of my pretty face and because I am a criminal. He calls me jerk, beast, no manners, no education, meanest person, alcoholic, he says I am messing around every time I travel for my company once or twice a month. He reviews my cell, garbage, purse, drawers, car, home phone call ID, web brouser, he has told me he is going to kill himself if I leave him and that he cannot live without my children ((from my first marriage) and myself. I called the police the other day because he was driving my children and I crazy. I can't way until I have my Green c. for 10 years and all this nightmare is over. He ask for forgiveness pretty much every day and tells me I will never going to find anybody that loves me and my kids like he does. I rather be alone. thank you. God will lead !!

  • Anonymous-12

    My question is WHY ARE YOU GIVING YOUR POWER AWAY TO THESE MEN. this is a classic bully verses victim, different polarities of the same energy. Why are you buying into it, because YOU are the victim, and you need a bully to create this reality. I know these sounds like harsh words - but whats it gonna take for you to realise you came into this world alone and you will leave that way, while your here its your choice who you spend your time with - The universe is asking you is this how you want to be treated, (abusively) the message your sending out is yes, when you stay with that person, so what do you expect? Try to get your hands on the book 'Ten stupid things women do to mess up there lives' dont be a victim - be a victor! if you are taking this in be prepared for your defence mechinism to kick in now with big fear! that normal means your on the right track. Hope this helps even one women! warm realistic wishes to you all

  • Woke up!

    I was in a physically, emolitionally, and verbally abusive relationship for 5yrs. I started dating my ex when I was only 16 & 1/2 =) (1st boyfriend) Im now 22. Of course it didnt start out that way. In the begining for about the first 6 months he was the best boyfriend a girl could want. He was cute, smart, and athletic. He was the sweetest guy ever! He was also my best friends cousin. The abuse began with him first controlling little things, like when I could get off the phone with him or when I could and couldn't hang out with my friends (including his cousin). He was very manipultaive... like they all are! He would tell me that he wanted to spend as much time as he could with me because he loved me. I believed him and thought it was sweet and romantic ( I thought WOW this guy LOVES me). Little by little I lost all my friends and he was all I had. He became my best friend...my everything. He knew he was all I had (friends wise). Thats when the abuse started. At first it was just a shove or a push. Once he saw he could gert away with that It got worse. The abuse wasn't daily but it did happen at least once a month. Everytime it happen he would say sorry and cry (tears are a way to make you feel sorry fo them. Tears make you feel like they really do care). The abuse got worse every single time. I would cry and he would just look @ me w/ a blank stare on his face. Eventually he no longer apologized...he would tell he "See what YOU made me do." I started to feel that my tears where nothing to him but repulsive. So sad. I started to believe it. I would think to myslef "If I just shut up and stop talking back he wont get angry." WRONG! When I did stay quiet he got mad because I didnt care...I wasn't showing concern. I could NEVER win. I was damned if I did and damned I didn't. The abuse some how was always MY fault. WTF?!

    He grew up seeing his father abuse his mother and would always blame his actions on his father. His father also abused him. I felt sorry for him. I saw him as a victim. I felt like I was all he had...that was a BIG reason why I stuck around. I could grasp or believe that the same person who would treat me like a princess and the most important person in the world was capable of HITTING me. I became numb. It was our secret. How could the hand that loved me also hit me? I've been kicked, spit on, chocked, dragged on the floor, punched, and cheatd on. How could any of that ever be my fault? Its not! It's not yours either. Never ever!

    We finally broke up for good on October 31, 2006. I decided that I deserved way better. I realized that he wasn't going to change. He didn't think he had a problem. He abused the girl before me (he was only 14 then) and he will do the same to the girl he is with now until he gets professional help. Its a cycle and as long as there is someone who will take the abuse it wont stop. It WONT...dont think that you are different. You are not. You CANNOT make him change...you just cant!

    NO ONE ever deserves to be hurt. NOT physically, emotionally or verbally. The truth is that REAL LOVE does not hurt. It does not make you do crazy things. Love is suppose to make you feel good, happy, and refreshed. Not drained and misserable.

    If you are currently being abused....GET OUT! You deserve better. You deserve true happiness. Life is too short to be unhappy. You deserve to be loved unconditionally. Abusers rarely change ( dont think your abuser is in that slim %) please, please, dont stay. Why would they change for you? You already let them get away with it once or maybe even more then once. You might think to yourself..."But I love him/her". Yes.. you might love them but obviously they dont love you. You migh think you cant live w/o them...YOU CAN! You were a human being before you met them and you will be one once their gone. Its hard believe me I know. I was with this guy for 5 yrs. Im only 22...I thought this guy was the one. He was what I thought was my 1st TRUE love....WRONG! I ignored and made excuses for all the bad and focused on the good. I blamed his father for his problem. The abuse is their (abusers) problem to fix and theres alone.

    Forget about all the good things they have done. They have abused you and no good deed will ever justify abuse. EVER! If there wasn't a good side to these losers no one would stick around long enough to be abused. Its a cycle and minds games. They know what they are doing. As soon as they see they can no longer control you they drop you like a hot rock and move on to their next victim. Let them GO! There are so many wonderful people in this world that would be more then happy and willing you treat you right.

    When you settle for less then your worth you get less then you settled for.

    A heartbreak is temporary...DEATH is forever!

  • Anonymous-13

    I have been in an abusive relationship for almost 4 years. I should mention that prior to this I married at 19 and was in an abusive marriage for 6 years before finding the courage and strength to leave. I am educated, a leader in my community and spend a lot of time counseling teen girls on how to recognize abuse and helping them with self-esteem and self-deveopment. I can do all this, yet ended up in a more abusive relationship with what I thought was "my bestfriend." I now work for him, live with him and we even go to church together and help out in our community. No one would imagine what goes on in our home. Cheating, lying, manipulating, bugs on the phone and office, breaking into my computer....... He is so smart that he has the ability to twist any conversation to make me think everything is my fault. Even when I make a point that he doesnt listen to me when I vent my feelings, he reponds with ,"Im sorry that your not mature enough to hear the truth.....or Im sorry you dont have the patience to hear what I have to say." Somehow, its always my fault. He swears that I am crazy, miserable, and emotional basket case and this is why I have isolated myself. He says Im bipolar and need prozac. The truth is I am depressed, cant get out of bed, have stopped going to work for him, cant seem to move on to a new job out of fear and lack of confidence in myself(though I KNOW I AM SUCH A SMART WOMEN WHO HAS RAN HIS COMPANY FOR THE LAST 4 YRS), and just want it all to end. I have a 7...hes coming....finish later

    OK. It wasnt him......I would like to continue if possible as this may be my only chance to let "someone" know the hell that I live in called 'my life." I explained that I am depressed. Miserable. I keep in all of my emotions because anytime I have voiced them, it ends in a BIG fight that my son often sees. Recently my son and his daughters saw him push to me to the ground and were totally freaked out by it. We have all been so uneasy since then and yet he still makes it seem as if hes the victim and he just cant take it anymore. He makes me think Im crazy and that I am causing all of this and that everyone sees it but me. He makes me think that it is I who has been abusive, and demanding and that I dont give him credit for his progress. I know he is unsupportive of my dreams, demotivates me indirectly with comments like, "of course you have the ability to do this, I would just be afraid that I wouldnt have the time to do everything and if you fail then everyone loses faith in you and will pass you up next time." He makes me doubt myself and my abilities.

    Im sitting here at home today, got out of bed after 12pm, havent worked in almost 2 mths, cant stop my anxiety, have no money, dont know how to make him leave and dont have the means for me and my son to leave, am too scared to force him out with an order or protection, because THEY DONT PROTECT YOU AND HE WILL ONLY COME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND HURT ME......and think I am losing my mind. The thoughts in my head do not belong there, I am a christian and have faith, yet never felt such dispair and fear of starting a new life....AGAIN. How do I live for myself and my son and keep from dating ANOTHER abuser. This relationship was much worse than my marriage. What dont I see and why do I seem to set myself up as this victim constantly around this drama and disrespect.

  • jenn

    I've been in an abusive relationship for a year and a half. My boyfriend constantly puts me down. He calls me stupid, ugly, retarted, bitch and more. He told me on the other day that the only reason we fight is because i'm f*cked in the head, and we would never fight if i didn't cause all our problems. When I tell him that he is abusive he laughs and me and tells me I'm so stupid. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. The other day I had school early in the morning, he had his friends over till 4am drinking. When i told him that he kept me up all night he said he was punishing me for being a bitch over the weekend because I blew up and told him i'm really unhappy and want to leave. I don't know what to do anymore.

  • nikki

    And here I thought I was the only one stuck with a guy that claims that I have the mental illness!! I posted comments in the past on here. If anyone would like to talk....anyone can email me. Even tho we are going thru hell....its nice to be able to talk to someone that is going thru the exact same crap! My email address is nikki.rolfe@gmail.com

  • lil T

    Me and my guyfriend have been talking for a year and a half. We have been doing more than just talking. In fact I lost my virginity to him and I really care about him alot. I just recently found out that he has a girlfriend and when i heard about it it broke my heart. Well now I'm over it and we are still having sex with each other and he still has her as a girlfriend. I told myself that I was too young to be settling down and that I want to have fun for once and it was my decision to continue to have sex. My heart is not in the relationship anymore. Its just sex.

  • I got out after 15 yrs and found a wonderful man & very happily married

    The National Domestic Violence Hotline available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, provides services in English and Spanish. If you or someone you know is being abused, contact the Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (7233.) The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network also operates a 24-hour, 7-day-a-week hotline for victims of sexual assault. The Network automatically connects callers to a rape crisis center in their community where they can find counseling and support. You can reach the Network at (800) 656-4673.

  • martha charles

    i have been leaving with my boyfriend four 4 months and he doesn't care or love me, he sleeps on the couch most of the time. he dosen't tourch or hugs me.we are strangers leaving together

  • STACEY

    WOW!! Read all the letters and let me say "I have been there" from the down grading husband/ the abusive boyfriend/ losing everything I had. I had 2 children 1 step-daughter and had to move quick. I lost my car, my home, my step-daughter had to go to a friend of the family because I couldn't afford to take of her. We cried and I told her once I get on my feet she could come back. Her mother didn't want her and her father is incarcerated. I felt bad she didn't understand. Now she is living with family in Michigan and I have gotten back on my feet. My children are finally in a home with lots of love and no fighting. It took awhile to get on my feet. The institutes are good for advise, the counseling costs a lot of money, if you have a good church go talk with someone there. Prayers can do miracles. Thats all I had, I had no family to turn to and no one to call I did call the domestic violence help and we went to court and of course they did nothing. He gets the kids every other weekend and pays. Don't give up and PRAY contact a friend or if you have family. The life you are living is wrong if he wants to be with you and loves you then he will marry you and quit disrespecting you. If you do not have children its easier to get out. You can get EPO not that it does any good unless state specifically what you want and for him to do. If it doesn't state it on paper they will do nothing they will say "its not on the paper". Done that too!!

  • Steve

    Well there are certainly a lot of women who seem to be in abusive relationships and i'm wondering why? Well i think i'm starting to understand, well maybe a bit. I'm a 31 old guy, who has been with a woman for almost two years. When i met her, she was so quiet and seemed to really like me, i couldn't imagine how she really was. I saw the warning signs, but i was immensely attracted to her, and she seemed to be really attracted to me too. I thought finally i found someone who was attractive, funny, loving, and someone i could trust. I guess you could say I'm a "nice guy" who is somewhat sensitive, and not very aggresive at all. I saw some red flags about her, but i figured she was just like that. I noticed on our first few dates, she had a cell phone that many men seemed to call on a daily basis, she would flirt with them right in front of me. It didn't really bother me, but it made me wonder why so many men would call all the time. After a while, i noticed she seemed to always be "busy" or not have time for me. It seemed something always "came up". Well i brushed it off, and continued seeing her. There were days she just didn't call and would never answer her cell phone. Then out of the blue she would call and want to "hang out". I remember the first time she blew up at me for no reason at all. She accused me of seeing someone else, and told me she wanted her picture back. Quite frankly i was shocked at her loss of temper, and proceeded to give her picture back. She apolagized and because she seemed sorry i brushed it off. This is the beginning of a story that will shock some of you.

    I am still with her, I am in love with her, and why i haven't put a stop to what she is doing to me is still beyond my understanding. She has accused me of infedility and still does, even though i found out she was on dating sites exchanging numbers. I don't know to this day if she has ever cheated on me, but honestly it wouldn't surprise me. She has verbally abused me on a constant basis, but would always turn into a sorry women after. When she wanted to argue with me for some reason, she always found some reason to, even though we were getting along at the moment. She would take personal gifts and anything else back when she got mad, put them all in a bag and either took them home, or destroy them. I'm talking even a bar of soap she brought over when i ran out. She would even take my possessions at times and not return them. This still goes on today although not as often. When i tried to calm her down she sometimes grabbed me by my arms or one time by my neck, and pull back her hands in a fist, i thought she was gonna punch me out. She then left my place and wouldn't talk to me sometimes for days. I felt left all alone, and wondered where she went. To this day i haven't met her mother, and rarely does she introduce me to friends. Sometimes she would call my phone and say she was sorry and i always forgave her, but i felt alone and left there and felt frustrated. There were days that were good, and some were just hectic. Sometimes it got so bad that we would literally fight, and ended up just being so mad at each other. What i can't understand is why i was terrified of her leaving, even though she scared the hell out of me with her temper. I usually would beg her not to leave and it just made her want to leave even more. There were times i cried by myself on the couch, and wonder what even happened?? Well one time i cracked into her e-mail and read some to find out what she was doing behind my back, i didn't see anything real bad but it seemed when she was talking about me to other people i was referred to them as "her friend". She also lied to me about some men she told me she stopped talking to, oh the list goes on!! In the summer i had a huge panic attack and had to call the ambulance cause it was so bad i couldn't control it. She didn't even come to see if i was o.k, and continued to snoop around my room and didn't even come to the hospital to see if i was o.k. Well turns out i was fine and when i went home to call her she complained about a phone number of a friend and called her to harass her on the phone!! I couldn't believe it!! I thought i was dying and she's going through notes on my desk?? I can't keep any notes or books around as she snoops into everything, my laptop, books, cell phone, my private notes, it just gets ridicolous. If she found a number she immediantly accused me of cheating (even though i wasn't) and lose her temper, then leave, but not before doing her hair and make-up, she said she was going home. I can go on and on but for some reason i can't leave her, it seems like i can't stop thinking and worrying about her cheating on me, it's like a constant worry. I guess i have no self-esteem and i'm no Brad Pitt, and she's very attractive and i do love her so much. I don't know why i put up with it even though a lot of people told me i need to leave her. I hate that i had to say those things about her, and i wish she would change, there are times when she seems to love me so i believe her and just forgive her. There are so many things that just seem so weird though, she has sometimes disappeared for days and even a week at times. She sometimes shows up at my door dressed up and saying she was at a dinner for "a cousin's" birthday, yet never seems to bring me. She broke up with me for a week telling me it was because she didn't feel close to me, then telling me a month later after we got back that she liked a guy at work, who she still talks to today. It seems she can do whatever she wants, talk to any guy she wants but when i do she flips out. I really don't know what to do anymore, seriously, on one hand i want to stay with her because i am scared to lose her, and on the other hand she is driving me nuts!!! Why am i like this, does anyone have any idea?? Any professionals out there that can help me? Is there anything i can do to help her change? Please help!!!!!!

  • Rene

    I have read all of the comments on this page and let me tell you that It brought back nothing but panic and anxiety. I was in a physically and Mentally abusive realtionship for four years. I left him a year ago after he blackened both my eyes and gave me a fat lip. To tell you the truth, had he not moved out of state I probably would have went back to him, like I did time and time and time again over a 4 year period. I hear the same thing over and over again in these writings...why the hell do i stay in an abusive realtionship!? I have been asking myself that same question for for ever. I have yet to figure it out. The only thing that I can figure is this. I have done some dating since the 4 years of hell, and I have dated guys that gave me neckalces and flowers and would never think of raising their voice to me, and would like a house and a white picket fence and would be loyal and dependable and have good jobs.....and I am BORED to death. I chew on my own tounge Im so bored with them...just for somthingto do. LOL. Then I fond this guy who isnt physically abusive, but like to mess with my head and emotions, and I think I am in love all over again. I dont get it. Im driving to his house the other night, after he told me that I am stupid and that I have been pimped and that even he couldndt beleive I was still coming to see him after the things he said to me and I figured out that for some reason, I like the abuse. It is sick and it is twisted but I feed on it, its like a drug, and as much as I hate it, I crave it. If anyone else feels the same way I do, please write me, and if anyone has figured out how to fix these feelings please let me know. All I can figure is I know people that like to be abused during sex, choked, whipped...this turns them on and I always thought how in the hell can that turn them on?? But I like to be mentally fucked...it turns me on. What the HEll!!! sbechlem at hotmail dot com

  • Just hand me your balls

    I have been in a relationship for 10 years. We have been living together for the past two years. I have always bullied him to the point of getting my way. But now that he is in my face constantly, I started verbally and physically abusing him. I'd say things like he's fat and unattractive to me yet I get mad if women pay him attention. When I do not get a reaction from him, I get in his face and smush him. I also kick him, I want him to do everything for me like make me breakfast, coffee, take me out to dinner. However, at times I do show him a part of me that is still sweet but it isn't frequent. I told him once that he needed to just hand me his balls so I can smash them and when I'm done I'll give them back. To prove my point when I was saying it, I actually grabbed and yanked him. He got angry and left the house for a little bit. Even with all my mistreatment of him he still hugs me and loves me. I want to stop but don't know how.

    Editor's Note: Look into anger management classes and couples counseling. These are not guarenteed to work (they can only help you understand your behavior better, not prevent you from acting in abusive ways - only you can ultimately stop acting in abusive ways), but they will certainly give you a good leg up and a better chance of breaking out of this abusive cycle than what you're doing now.

  • Anonymous-14

    I ended a 'relationship' a year ago that was mentally abusive in a subtle way that no one on the outside could see with a man who seems normal and friendly otherwise. However, it was a case of a narcissist who expected me to treat him like a boyfriend but would not treat me like a girlfriend, or even a good friend, especially in public.
    He certainly was happy to get along with me in private, eat my food, sleep in my bed, and call me every day, but when it came time to show any emotion or acknowledgement of 'us' in public, he would not even buy me a drink if we went somewhere together. At one point he did not act like he wanted to be seen with me.
    He also would never mention a holiday, birthday, or buy me a gift or even send a card as if these things did not exist.
    He has said little things that made me feel terrible about myself, wouldn't spend money on me even for a pizza and would tell me I was not worth it even though I cooked for him and entertained him every weekend for a year. He just did not see why I would be 'hurt' with his non-reciprocation. I did not ask for much as I am not interested in marriage and too old for pregnancy, I just wanted some sort of reciprocity. Otherwise, why did he bother with me other than just to manipulate me.
    Even though I made the decision to stop letting this person take advantage of me, he still calls me from time to time and I must admit there was a strong attraction to him and it boggles my mind that he could be so cruel. So now my problem is, even though other men have told me how attractive smart and wonderful I am, I still think about him and cry because he tore so much self-esteem away from me with his miserliness and cruel behavior toward me in public.
    Like I said, he's not a criminal and doesn't have a temper but it was these subtle things that at first had me confused into thinking he was shy. Like once we went to a free dinner and did not say one word, smile or help me with my coat or even walk with me to the parking lot! It was the strangest thing.
    Anyway, I am not a kid, I'm 58 and look 42 (which is how old he was) and now I avoid where ever he goes, but this means I can't go anywhere anymore where he won't be.... it's a terrible situation and still affecting me especially when I am alone.
    I don't want to go back to counseling (I am a widow and saw a counselor for 2 years after my husband died) because it just exacerbates the problem. I want to get on with my life but I am not someone who can bear to be alone for very long.

  • Bettie

    I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for over 20 years....stayed in it because my self esteem was so low I felt I had no way to support my 4 kids...the year before I left things were escalating- I would put something down on the table for him to eat and hed push it on the floor and call it crap........came at me with his fist clenching......hid money, was manipulating me all the time to do things as a means of control....refused to pay for me to go to technical school to be able to provide for myself...He spent three years in silence with the kids and I ..... would come home from work eat and go to his room and shut the door.....When we finally split, I was in deep emotional trouble and it has taken me 6 years to come out of it.....Those last 6 years I've been raising my two younger children who during their teen years were acting out a lot of their own anger and frustration as their father barely sees them...I focused on them and helping them to be healthy and on their way in the world. Now that the youngest one is graduated from high school, I am making decisions to either go back to school at the ripe old age of 57 and/or move to another area away from the memories..... My biggest concern right now is my 26 year old daughter, who I see as being in a very bad relationship with a manipulating alcoholic man...See seems very depressed and her self esteem is completely gone.....Do not know how to help her.....

  • None

    I have been married for 16 years. We have 4 children and this marriage is now a living hell.

    After we had out first child I was very controlling. I hated that I was always home taking care of the baby and he was out working and hanging out with friends. I couldn't have friends. He coincidentially hated all friends I had. I was only 19 when our first child was born and I was very immature. This WAS my fault.

    About 2 years into the marriage I had changed. I was not controlling like I once was. I think I was this way because of the abusive marriage my parents had. But I finally realized I could not continue to treat my husband this way.. and that is when he changed.

    I have had staples in my head, my back kicked so I could not walk, pushed down the stairs, shoved down on the floor, thrown out the front door in my pajamas in the middle of the night, fat lips, bruises... you name it.

    Five years ago I cheated on my husband. He had heard a rumor around town that I had cheated and I was honest about it. Since the abuse has become worse. Now it is far more mental than ever before. I am worthless, a whore, bad Mother, I made him this way. I just don't know what to do. I did cheat but I am trying to make things good. He stayed when I told him but he makes it seem like he had no choice. He says he stays for the kids. But he also makes more money than I so he could leave if he wanted but says that I would not be able to afford to keep this house if I stayed in it and he left so it's up to me to go.

    I am looking at an apartment tomorrow. I will take the 4 kids with me. He has told me that I cannot have the kids and that he will get them if we go to court. I cannot leave my children behind. He is also very mentally abusive to them. He will tell them they are stupid or lazy.. just things like that.

    His behavior is off and on. I never know when the moods will come. I was working last week when he called me and was very cranky. He started yelling at me over the phone saying I was a whore and a worthless slut. I waasn't good for anything but sex. He then told me he hates me and that I have to leave. He does not want me in this house any longer.

    What are the chances that he will get custody of my kids? He works nights and I do not want them home alone. I just cannot be without my kids.

    If anyone has any advise or would just like to talk, please email me at special.places.00@gmail.com

  • Jen

    Ladies,

    please never give up. I was in a abusive realtionship for 8 years, he hit bite me putmy head though wall and almost choked me to death. All with a little girl in the home. I can tell all of you that, once you find it within you can move forward. Don't get me wrong it has been 4 1/2 years and I am married to a wonderful man know, the pain and memories don't go away. I sit by myself somtimes and remember all of the horrible thing he use to do, the on that hurts the most and haunts me to this day is him choking me until I seen nothing or heard nothing at all. THAT ONE IS STILL HARD < I GET TEARING EYED EVERYTIME THINK ABOUT IT. Anyways like I said it takes time and courage. Ladies, may I suggest going to a domestic voilence classes, I tell you that is what started my climb up the ladder to freedom from him, it took a year or 2 but I did it. KNow I am a successfull woman and my daughter loves her stepfather very much, cause her real dad, does not do anything but hurt her emotionally. He is in prison now and to tell you honestly I am very happy he is. Cause to this day as long as i know he is in there I know he cant hurt me or our daughter. I do not allow her to have contact with him while he is in there. When he is out he still tries to call and I let him talk to her but my husband says that the only reason he truely calls is to harrass me, cause he still makes me feel like I am the one keeping his daughter from him. In all reality he is the one that is not calling when he is suppose to, because he would rather be out getting drunk and loaded on drugs. Well, sorry I jumped around so much the flood gates opened and i have plenty more to say, but not enough room or time. Ladies, I feel for all of you and I know from family generation of abuse if you have kids, please break the cycle cause it will keep going until you do. I am one that truely knows, I am part of that cycle and pray every night that I may have broken for my daughter. Please get help counsling somehthing, yours or childs life may depend on it.

    anyone just need a friend or a little advice, I may be young but I started young, please feel free to email me, I will talk back. jennifermorning@verizon.net

  • Niesje

    I thought I met my soulmate, he was everything that I looked for in a man. The first couple of months were absolutely amazing. He made me feel so special. Then we went out to a function and he kissed another girl, I stormed of and the next day he told me that he just wasn't attracted to me that night. This is were the whole cycle of hot/cold started. Slowly comments were made that made me feel unattractive, unintelligent, not worthy. If we had an argument, usually caused by him because I'd done something "wrong", he would be angry and verbally abusive. Followed by the silent treatment, which made me almost beg him to stop and forgive me even though it wasn't my fault. Then he turned in to the lovely man again which was the side of him I adored. Which makes it all so so confusing. He was on the internet, talking to other women for the first year without me knowing it. He met at least one of them that I know off. I found out just before he was to move in to my house. I was devestated. All the time telling me I could trust him. He did everything to try to win me back even took me on an overseas holiday, which I later never heard te end off. And he won...Since then he has thrown me around my loungeroom untill I had a blue face, thrown wine and beer in my face, spitted on me several times, hit me in my back, pushed me up against a fence, Thrown me three times out of a car, once in the dark on the middle of the road, left me without a car or money and went away for the weekend while I have three children who are mine with me, has broken my frontdoor, thrown furniture around, damaged my house. I've been called a dumbf..., unattractive, all I am is me and my kids, if I'd studied more people would look at me differently instead of telling them I'm just a painter and a mother. He has told me that I cause men to do the things he has done to me.The list goes on and on. I kicked him out of my house a year and a half ago because it was affecting my kids and I couldn't do it anymore. Since then he has tried hard to make it work again.. But the cycle of abuse was still there, only more subtle because he didn't have as much of a grip on me anymore.I'm getting stronger, but am confused, exhausted, have low selfesteem, am depressed, have aged, lost my zest for life I used to have, am emberassed, feel I let myself down. Can't understand why I still love him or is it just that I've gotten so used to this chaotic, draining, unhealthy, soul destroying life style?Something is better then nothing? Its so hard to end it, but I will. I so so much miss me, I'm not perfect but know I'm a good person. I never ever thought this could happen to me....

  • heidi

    I've been married for 14 years and have been going through this, but with drugs, a little porn, and verbal abuse. Your story sounds so similar to mine. The abandoning, swearing, telling me I'm not worth anything, no man would ever put up with this and that this is why you are single (this meaning the laundry in the laundryroom). I was so scared that the kids of a divorce would be worse off than dealing the abuse. But I was wrong, I should have kicked him out years ago. But I was hopeful when he went to rehab. that everything was finally out in the open. I really appreciate reading your story and finding this website. It really helped me tonight when I get so confused about things. I want to call him and see how he is doing, hoping that he will say he is sorry and now sees what he has done to me and our kids. But I never get that from him, even during the cycle of abuse, he never said "i'm sorry I'll never do it again". It was always my fault, or the kids, or even my mom's fault. I was the one who made him say those things. It is so infuriating to me that I have wasted all of this time in couples therapy. THe therapist should have recognized the obvious tell tale signs of abuse, and addict behavior. Why was all of this time spent on how we both needed to change. We would make commitments and I was the only one keeping them. As soon as we would leave the counselor he would start criticizing me. amazing. well anyway, I just wanted to say that your comments really helped me tonight. thank you.

  • Shavonne

    I was in a abusive relationship for 13 years, I started dating him when I was 14, We produce three children from it. How I got out, Was by God I got saved and grew in God for 2 years. People this is a Spirit a demonic one usually this is a Generational Curse, Maybe your mom or Grandmom went through this.. Turned to God about this get saved read your bible that's your weapon against Satan who is trying to take you down he come to kill steal and destroy YOU! First you have to realize who you are and what the Lord Jesus thinks of you and since he thinks so highly of you. A mortal man or women cant bring you down!!!!!

    Trust me after you get saved sincerely. Start Seeking, Praying, Attending a Bible Based Church studying your word (bible. You will be a new Person Who want let Satan take over your world........

  • bob

    i am the typical emotional abuser-i want it to stop! the pain on my end is just as strong as the pain on my girls end. i have decided to seek professional help immediately to stop the pain for both of us.we both love each other tremendously,so this is an easy decision to make.i admit that i have a problem and that is half the battle. i intend to spend any amount of money and time to correct this problem.my love for her is tremendous and i don't want to lose her.this is a wake up call and i am responding with a vengence.i will fight to keep the love of my life.i'm tired of hurting people emotionally-it's over! i will prevail over my sickness and be the person i know i can be-it can be done if u really want it!i want to fit into the small category of success rate.i am so passionate and feel that this is the only way to overcome my sickness.nice people deserve to be treated nicely-pretty simple indeed!please forgive me-i am so sorry!

  • niesje

    I wrote my story not so long ago. This site has been incredibly helpfull to me and I would like to follow up on whats happened since then. Hopefully this will be of help to others. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEssssssss its finally over, I feel free again. Its like this huge weight has lifted of my shoulders. I've finally taken charge of my own life again and I can't tell you enough how good it makes me feel. After the last time I wrote I went another two time through the usual cycle. One night I left my phone at home while going to visit a friend when I got back I had five missed calls on it from him. So I rang him and he was very cold and short on the phone. At 1am I received a txt from him saying that it gave him the shits that I never took my phone with me or answered while I was with my friends. Which is not totally untrue because I was embarassed that I was still with him and my friends can't understand it anymore. I didn't reply. The next morning I got a call from him and he started to give me a lecture as usual.I told him that I didn't do anything wrong, that I was sick of having my mobile with me like an attachment to my body. I lived for three and a half years to hear from him or receive txts, it hardly ever left my side! Anyway I was supposed to go to a family function with him. At the last minute I send him a msg saying that I wasn't coming I needed some headspace to figure out were maybe I was going wrong and if so with all this. I was so sick of being told of like a little child. I turned off my phone because I knew he would be angry and I just couldn't deal with him at that moment. The next morning when I turned on my phone I got a txt from him.It was probably the worst one he has ever send me : He told me that he didn't trust me, that he didn't love me, he thought I was a cheap f...., dumb, simple minded easy, dirty, some schocking obscenities I can't mention, and that he wasn't the first bloke to see me that way, d....h...., called me a slag.If I came near him, his friends, family even his dog, he would f... my life like I'd never imagined, send an email to my kids, ex husband, family with a home sex video that we made, you d.... f...... sl.. I think you are a cheap sl.. got it you dumb f......c.... . Then another one threathening me that if I tell anybody to be carefull because I had kids living in this town and he wants to move here in future. I looked at the messages and thought which I told him, that ok fair enough he was angry I cancelled on him at the last minute. Be angry and tell me so. But there is NO justifaction what so ever to talk to any person like this. Now its enough. Get your selfrespect back and end this. I told him and since then he has been back peddling. Told me it was his defence mechanism which made him say these things. And I should know he didn't mean it. How disturbing all of it! He even asked me if we could have sex one more time, that we wouldn't talk just have some great lusty sex. I told him thank you but no thanks and that I finally have found my selfrespect back. I'm sorry if I have offended any one with the explicit details of the msg he sent me, but I know that a lot of you would have heard it and maybe if you read how disturbing my story is you might wake up to you own ......You know, love isn't supposed to hurt. You are allowed to make mistakes, wrong descisions, say the wrong things without being judged, yelled at, punished for it. We all are just humans and no one should have to put up with any of this. I have been brought up by parents who were honest, loving and respectfull people. And I finally remembered were I've come from and remembered right from wrong. Listen to your gutfeelings if something doesn't feel right it most likely isn't. You first get hit by a peddle stone, then a brick and finally you walk into a brick wall. Please please don't ignore the signs. They are there for a reason. Love yourself enough to do something about it. If you don't do it for your children, they look at you to learn what is right or wrong. You don't want them to end up in the same situation. Read and learn from these sides or books, they make you recognise that what you are going through is not imagined. It makes sense of the confused chaos which is your life. I want to thank everyone that has put in the effort to inform others, to help them. It has helped me so much. Good luck to all of you x

  • niesje

    The fact that I've ended it hasn'nt meant that he stopped the abuse.. It actually has gotten worse. And yes has brought me down feeling horrible. I know it will pass. But nonetheless its still hurtfull. He knows me so well that he knows exactly what to say to hurt me. Asked me to get back with him and even that was in an abusive way. Its disturbing how someone can say certain things and think thats ok. A very good friend said expect it to get a lot worse and she was right. Not such a good day. But it confirms how I made the right descision. I'm trying so hard to be positive and know its late and I'm very tired and that doesn't help. I wish I was a few months further. I'm going to Europe to visit my family for four weeks with my children. It will be so good to sit with my dad and although I probably will not tell him because he is so far away and I don't want to worrie him. I promised my self not to let it get to me but just can't help it tonight. I love his dad and friends and he told me they all think I'm a fool, I know that thats not true, that he just had to say that because he knows how much I care for them, just another kick in the gut. Tells me he loves me. Delusional. Hasn't got a clue what the meaning of love is. I feel so messed up. But know it will pass. Like a nightmare. He is already on the internet on one of those dating sites. Has a few dates lined up, poor girls. Said he'd cancel them, I only had to say the word. Yes why even answer his txt.. Big mistake. Was so cool this morning. I will not go back of that I'm sure. He owes me money, once that is paid I'll change my phone numbers. He told me once that he gets a kick out of seeing me cry, sadistic. Please people don't let it get so far that it makes you ill. Get away, do whatever it takes. Its a nightmare. He thinks I'm a martyr and have selfpity. Who wouldn't feel sorry for themselves. I'm just tired and upset.. I want to feel good again so badly, it has almost destroyed me, not quite but almost. Still having some fighting spirit left. Funny hey always thought of myself as fairly intelligent, wondering about that now. Let my brain rule for a while instead of my heart. Too forgiving and accepting. Thank god for my wonderfull friend, who's always been there for me even when it got a bit much for her too. Any third parties reading this, don't give up on them. They need to know that they have support outside this insanity. I don't know what I would've done without her. Just a little dip, not answering anymore txts. Its so pointless arguing with someone who doesn't listen and is only out to hurt you because you are not doing as your told! Why I asked him if you think I'm so bad do you want to be with me so badly. AAAAAAhhh see, they are all lies whatever he says, as he has said before they are intended to hurt me. What a kind soul! But I love you so so much......tell it to the wind! Anyway babbling on a bit, just needed to talk to someone and this site is the next best thing to a friend to get it of my chest. Going to try to get back to sleep, need to prepare for our trip, now thats exciting. Find something to look forward to and keep your mind from all this, it helps.. Love niesje

  • tracy

    I have been in a relationship for 2 and a 1/2 years...It started off great, I could of stayed up all night talking and listening to him, i couldn't believe that nobody else hadn't picked him up before me! He was adoreable and payed me so many compliments.... I'm 37 with 2 children and he's 45, he still lived with his mum apparently to look after her but when he moved in with me she swore she would never have him back(and she hasn't)..I own my house and had a job as manager of a shoe shop..He told me to leave as he didn't spend enough time with me(I now work part time in a food store)he tells me how great his ex girlfriends are and the one in particular has a fantastic figure, if a 100 men was in a room they'd all pick her to be the prettiest over me.. every bloke would love to f...her this always got a reaction from me and he would make out i'm nuts because he's only telling the truth and she meant nothing to him....He used her to cause an arguement and when i reacted he left my home with his passport and went to poland for a stag do for 4 days the day before my birthday and didn't get intouch at all..when he came back it was my fault because i'd told him to leave! If he took me anywhere on holiday he would always cause an arguement so he could go off and return after 12+ hours of drinking and i'd be left just waiting for him to return...He'd come home drunk at 8 in the morn and say i'm f..... happy whats wrong with you!! I learnt not to react because if i did i'd get more verbal abuse and the blame but he'd just do more of doing what he wanted knowing that i wouldn't react...everything is a lecture(listening to him) not a conversation...He'd tell me i loved him loads, tell me that i loved his c...,tell me he was the best man i'd ever had... It was like i wasn't aloud to have an opinion or my own thoughts...he treated me like a child, he'd tell me off like i was 7 for the simplist of things....say dinner was lovely but you over cooked the meat...he'd tell people what they are like without asking questions to find out about them... over the top with how lovely strangers were that he'd spoken to and would never see again!..(for all he knows they could of gone home and beaten up they're wifes) but they was lovely people!! Makes out he'll do anything for anyone but in reality he does nothing only hand money over...(he has a well payed job that pays for his gambling and drinking)and not much else! When he needs a favour it's I gave so and so £200 they can do it for me!! he has a daughter that his familly look after he just has her in the day and she sleeps at his mums...it's ended up with him throwing a tree stump though my patio window because i pretended i wasn't in (in the hope that he'd leave) luckily i had 2 friends round who saw what he was like...he verbaly abused them about they're lives as well as me and my children...i called the police(which i have done at various times only he was lovely when they turned up and i was in a right state because of the abuse from him..even social services checked my kids out because of the police calls) the police have now installed a panic button for me and are helping me at long last and charging him with criminal damage..what i have said is the tip of the iceburg...i could honestly write a book!!! kissing other women(one of them even glassed me and he stayed with her because i was out off order when i asked what he thought he was doing!!) all he's instilled in me is that i should trust him and that his c... is mine and no one elses!!! but after all this i am still madly in love with him!!! I know i can never be with him again no matter what he says (he's always managed to talk me round) and knowing that i'll never be with him again really hurts.... but also knowing that he's never really loved me hurts to, it seems that he was play acting not actually feeling love..we've bought a house together and i was just about to sell mine to pay for half of it...i'm just glad i realised in time before it was sold...intouch with solicitors at the mo to get my name off!!! he also wanted me to have a baby just recently!! it's mad!!! the only thing mad about me is that i stayed with him for so long and that i still love him but i know i'll survive.... If i survived that i can survive anything!!!x

  • megan

    I have been where all of you are at right now! When I was married to my ex-husband, he would tell me that I was never going to be able to make it without him with three boys. When I was trying to get my GED he was always telling me that I might as well stop studying, because no matter how much I did I was still too stupid to pass it. I used him!! Instead of letting him get me down and giving up, he became my inspiration! I made sure to prove him wrong and I passed it on my first try. So, I rubbed it in his face. Of course, he just found other reasons to be abusive. We were together for 6 years, I lived with it that long, my excuse was for the kids. I grew up with my father and I didn't want them to go through the same thing. In august of 2001, I had three boys, no job, no vehicle, and no where to go. My twins were 4 years old and my baby had just turned one the april before. I was very unhappy and had even started sleeping on the couch, but still could not leave, until one day, my twins came up to me and asked me if we could move and leave daddy there? Then that was my main goal. I was going to get them out of the situation they didn't want to be in. He did push and hit me when the twins were about 4 months old, I pushed back, he want through the hall closet, and I made sure he knew I was serious when I told him if he touched me like that again I would kill him. He never did anything like that again, but it did go to the mantal abuse. Anyways, I started calling family to see who I could stay with and finally my mom and step-dad said we could stay there until I got on my feet. It was really hard, I felt like everything I was making was going to child care, that I was never going to make it. I had considered going back to their dad, but when I would ask if they wanted to go back, they would say no, that daddy was mean to them and to mommy! I didn't even know they realized what was going on between us, but they knew! It has been 6 years now and I am doing good, not the best, but good enough, and me andmy boys are happy with the desicion we made together! I should have known that they did, because I myself was once a child when my mother was is an abusive marriage and I knew everything, still remember everything. When I was 4 years old and my brother was just one, my mom decided she was going to this man she had been seeing. They got married and everything went downhill from there. He started out just verbally then went to physically abusing her. She couldn't come home one second late from work and he wouldn't ask any questions just start in on her. I remember one time she came through the door and he grabs her, throws her down on the bed, pulls off his belt and starts beating her with it, he then puts the belt around her neck and starts tightening it, telling me and my brother to watch, because mommy is going to die. Terrified he was telling the truth, I grabbed my brother, (me about 6 and my brother about 3) and started to the house across the field to call the cops. When they got there, my mother was so scared that she talked them out of taking him to jail. I suppose he had already started the make up process. Well, not only was he abusing my mother he was abusing me as well. He stayed at home with us while my mom worked and while she was working he would start on me. Even though it wasn't mentally or physically, I understand now that it was still abuse and that none of it was my fault. It started when I was 4 and started just as sexual favors, then it went to the sex. I remember it hurting so bad, I wasn't aloud to cry or scream or anything. He told me that if I did or if told anyone he would kill my mom and my brother. When my brother and my niece were about 2, he made me bring them into the room and do things to them. It was only once, but still to this day, even though they don't remember it, I feel responsible for those actions. I'm just glad that they don't remember! I don't think I could have handled it so well in my adult years if they did. Anyway, when I was 8 years old, I remember my oldest sister coming to the house and packing our clothes, personal things that would fit in her van with us, and we left. I was crying, because I just knew he was going to find us and she would take us back there. I was wrong, she filed for a divorce, and moved us to a different town, we never went back. I never told my mom about what happened to me. When I was married and all of this stuff that my husband was doing to me, I started having nightmares. I got really depressed, wouldn't move ou of my position on the couch, I wanted to be close to my kids at all times, to hear what they were doing. I didn't want to be touched or talked to by anyone, except my kids. One day, my sister that is just older than me, had come over to the house. I was so mad, I didn't want to talk to anyone and here she was trying to find out what was going on. I was writing a letter to my husband, not really sure why, but I waded it up and started writing my sister, didn't know how to talk about it, so I was trying to write about it. My sister left home when she was 15, she left me and brother in that house, just took off, then thinking about it I got agry at her. In the note I asked her if the reason she left was because he was doing things to her. She told me no and asked me what kind of things I was talking about. I finally told her everything that had happened. We cried and cussed and cried some more. She asked if mama knew, I told her no. The next day my mom was standing on my front porch, when I opened the door she grabbed me and started to cry. It was at that minute that I realized she wasn't mad at me. We talked forever it seemed. I had one more dream after that and my husband was waking me up in the boys' closet, I had the boys in there with me. The dream was that since I had told my mom, he was beating on my back door, telling me he was going to kill us. After all this, I want to tell all of you abused people out there that no matter how low your self-esteem, and even though you think you don't have anywhere to go, there is always, someone somewhere, willing to listen and help in any way they can, if there is someone that is worried about you and wants to help you, let them. You don't have to be afraid anymore, there is always a way out, it doesn't matter the cirumstances, you can get out. You'll realize that once you get out and start the divorce they won't bother you anymore, they will move on, no matter how much they threaten, they are just blowing smoke, its time to lead your own life, you don't need him. Your life and your children are the most important thing in the world. Please don't stoop to his level where he wants you to be. Take control, don't be scared anymore.

  • Ronisha Hamlin

    Honestly there is no reason why u should tolerate that much ignorance in this world there are plenty of men probably dieing to have a loving strong female like yourself but until you get out of this bad situation you will never find mister right and its up to you to want to help yourself because, until you decide that enough is enough he's always going to have the upper hand. Don't be afraid to let him go because any man that will hit you and disrespect is not a real man but just a scared little boy who thinks he's in control of you because he knows you're scared of him.

    Sincerely,

    A good friend

  • Michelle

    I have finally had enough, after 15 months with my on again, off again boyfiend. Everytime we would get into heated arguments, it was me that took the blame. I could do no right with him. When it was good it was great. But when it was bad, it was very bad. He was mentally and emotionally abusive. He was the first man I have ever been with that has been so difficult to be with, and to be without. But towards the end, when he would "go off" on me, then proceed to blame me for being "psycho", I had to take on the support of my close friends and family to help me through. They have endlessly told me I deserve better, but I always had hope that one day he would realize how good he had it with me, and change. That day never came. It continued. But it was me who he continued to blame. His quote to me one day: "I am killing myself being w/ u", and "U are impossible to luv. You have diminished all hope". No words were more painful than those. I have realized that some men are just not capable of loving a good woman, or even accepting love. They bring us down with them. Don't ever "wait" for a man to change. This could take years, it could be never. The man for me is out there, and time is too precious to wait.

  • Anonymous-15

    I too am in a horrifically terrible abusive relationship-Everything I say, he calls me a liar, rolls his eyes or yawns. When I talk about work, he says "Im not interested,unless something out of this world happened, I don't want to listen". Whenever I try to talk to him about our relationship, he blocks his ears and sings overtop of my voice. He hangs up on me if I try to talk, he will call back, I will try to say something and he hangs up again...like I am a dog that needs to be trained. When I ask where he is going or what his week looks like, he says "Don't know and none of your business". Then he tells me what he is doing last minute and expects me change my plans.

    When he gets angry with me out in public...he gets angry at nothing.. takes it out on me and blames me for the argument, and then runs off on me and leaves me. Numerous times I end up staying in a hotel or going to a random strangers house, because he has left me.

    He hasnt touched me in a whole year, not even a kiss, and says that it is my fault because I have to give him the respect and give him what he wants before he touches me...ummm if you love someone it doesnt matter how angry you are with them, you want to rip the clothes off anytime right?

    I can honestly say I am so confused as to why he treats me so disresepctfully. I am looked upon as a very attractive woman, I have alot of friends, people love to be around me...HE on the other hand, when we are together, for example at a restaurnant, will look at everyone else, he will yawn, look bored when he is with me...usually critizise me...MAKES SURE I sit with my back to the restaurant and he looks around, and I get told to F-off shut up, everyday when he is angry. I cannot say anything becasue it is wrong, and sometimes i think for ages before i speak and it is still wrong....then when i lose it...he says I have the problems. he is very controlling and picks on me every chance he gets...he yelled at me last week for leaving the lid off the soda and chatted with me ages at how these things irritate him...

    anyway I have left him, but after he crushed my self esteem and my self worth it was hard to leave...we had an amazing relationship in the beginning, but the past 1year has been TERRIBLE. Everyone looooveesss this guy, he is popular, wealthy, and successful, and whoever I tell what i went through they can't believe it. I would have NEVER thought I would get caught in such a mess, I have always been treated by other men with such respect...My question, will he do this to other girls or was there something wrong with me?? Why would a man in his late 30's not want to show his woman affection? and he is not cheating either. How did you break free without feeling something was wrong with you? Does he think he will get away with treating someone this way?

  • Marietta

    I am a 29 year old woman in Nashville, TN. About 3.5 years ago, I managed to walk away from a 6 year marriage where I was emotionally/sexually abused (forced to have threesomes, cheated on if I refused to do them, etc.). I was able to walk away finally because I met the man of my dreams....or so I thought. I didn't feel bad leaving my husband for another man because of the constant cheating he did during our relationship. I felt on top of the world with my new man....and felt I had finally found the good, upstanding, loving man that I had always been searching for.

    Oh, and how wonderful things were.....we would talk all night long..go out several times a week for dinner and drinks...come home and make passionate love....wake up and have breakfast together....spend all weekend long taking trips, shopping, just being together and loving each other. I fell so madly in love with him that I knew in my heart that he had to be the one. He did make a few comments here and there about not knowing how our upbringing would effect us in the future....I was from a broken home and didn't have much stability and he was from a traditional mid-western family and had a perfect upbringing he had a BS degree and all I had was an associates in Graphic design. I never really thought he was necessarily putting me down for these things because I am very smart and classy and outgoing and fun. I am not a thin girl, but am not grossly obese and am pretty enough that I make most of my living being a plus size model. My weight never seemed to bother him.....he couldn't keep his hands off of me. I guess I should have seen these comments as being a warning sign, but I didn't.

    He then started getting jealous. I have many male friends, but that's because I get along better and relate more to men than to women. Most of these friends are people who have been in my life for years, and it has never been anymore than a friendship with any of them. He started putting me down and telling me that an upstanding woman wouldn't have tons of guy friends when she was in a relationship...that it wasn't right. He also started getting on to me for the things I wore. I am a very stylish dresser, but on occasion like to show a little cleavage. I have always had great self-0confidence and enjoy feeling sexy once in a while and didn't see anything wrong with this. He didn't have a prob with it in the beginning.....

    The jealously got worse and worse, but I told myself that maybe he was right....maybe I wasn't being fair or respectful to him, so I started dressing more conservatively and not hanging out with my guy friends so much. This seemed to make him happy. After a year or so of dating, we bought a condo together and moved in. Things seemed wonderful and I thought this was the next step to getting married and having a life. After a few months of moving in, I became pregnant. He didn't seem too upset and that gave me comfort because I didn't know how he would react. Then one day he asked me when I was going to have the "procedure"....he meant an abortion. I hadn't even thought about that and was quite shocked he wanted me to have one. We fought horribly about it because I didn't want to do it but he didn't want kids......he told me that if I wanted to have it, fine....but I would be raising it on my own. I was so scared and didn't want to bring a child into this sort of world without having two loving and strong parents that wanted it, so I had the abortion. It was horrible. I will never do that again, and I told him that. Shortly after, our sex life began to diminish. It went from a few times a week down to once a week. The fighting went on and on....then on my birthday, he told me that he was looking for a perfect woman....one with his morals....one that made his heart flutter....all of the things I used to do for him.....and that he didn't love me anymore. I was devastated for weeks. Then he came to me, apologized, and I love him so much that I forgave him and told myself that he is just going through some things. A year and a half later, we are still fighting, sex is down to once a month, and the emotional abuse has gotten worse. He now tells me that I am not good enough for him, not thin enough for him sexually ( although I am thinner now than I was when we met), don't make enough money (he only makes $4000/yr more than me and is nine years older...haha), that he feels suffocated because I never go out and do anything, that he loved the me I used to be.....but I changed because he was always being jealous!!!! I stay home so he doesn't get onto me and question me.....I have no friends anymore because I gave them all up for him....I don't dress sexy anymore because he told me it was inappropriate!!! What am I supposed to do? I wasn't good enough then...I changed...and now I am still not good enough. I find myself apologizing all of the time, even though I know it isn't my fault. I feel ugly because he will not touch me, and I used to KNOW I was a smart, beautiful woman. He has taken all of this from me, and now , because my self esteem has fallen so low and because I love him so much, the thought of losing him or leaving him literally makes me vomit. When I ask him if he wants me to leave, he says he is not 100% sure, that he still loves me and that there is a chance I am the one he wants to spend his life with.....and because of that hope, I stay. If there is anyone out there that can offer some advice as to what I should do and how to make myself be strong enough to do it, please tell me. I am three and a half years into this.....madly in love....but dying inside. Help. This IS emotional abuse.....I would rather have someone punch me in the face than have this kind of constant, excruciating ache.

  • recovering once again

    I keep telling myself that my situation is unique, but after reading post after post of similar instances, I see that I am not so alone. First, to the post right below this one....a major question that you must ask yourself, and which is so often so hard to answer "where do I see this relationship 5 years from now?" It is hard to picture. Even with the "hope" he is giving you, in your rational brain, do you think it will be better? No...worse. Statistically...they only get worse, and with it goes your sense of self, your heart, then your soul. This man obviously does not think of you by #1 being so callous about his own child you had to give up, but also by saying "I don't think I love you". He told you right there who he is, and what he is thinking. Listen closely. All the apologies after the hurt are his insecurites coming out. His fear that he is going to lose you and therefore lose the control. I am 37, soon to be 38, and it seemed like a blink ago that I was 29 years old, and I have followed the same pattern for attracting abusive men all my life. I hope with all my heart that this time I have broken the pattern. I feel now like those years were wasted.

    Somewhere in the pain, I was able to put myself through nursing school while raising 3 children who are now teenagers. They also suffered abuse at the hands of my second husband who sexually abused my smaller children. He is now in prison for his crimes. I thought that would have been enough of a shock to avoid men who were charming, and attentive only to turn around and be critical, controlling, manipulative, and self-centered. I attracted two more, quickly realizing the first man's motives and sending him on his way, but the latter I have spent several years yo-yo-ing with, without gaining an inch of healthy ground.

    When I met him, we were in school, and became study partners. I was the shoulder he would cry on whenever he broke up with his girlfriend. Over a years time, he had broken up with her multiple times, and I believed him when he told me she was the culprit. Toward our graduation, he and I started sleeping together while he was in between reconciliation with his girlfriend. I thought we had started a romantic relationship, but he kept me at arms length, and a few months later at our graduation, and after I had spent the night with him, he had created a montage of love to his ex who he expected to come to the graduation. She never showed up and I was crushed.

    Here I sit nearly two years later, with a story now of how he would continually pick fights with me, calling me names and then say that he was only joking, always would be putting me down for my parenting, housecleaning, stuff not sent to goodwill in my garage (we have separate houses), putting me off about his "unsure" view of marriage, or even living together, giving false hope of a future together only to have horrible periods of distance (not necessarily fights) where he would treat me like dirt - his worst enemy- withdrawing every speck of love and attention. He would cheat (4 women in one month we were broken up), I would break up with him, he would come back and charm me and the cycle would repeat. It was not until recently (even though his words have been harsh before with name-calling) he called my teenage son a foul name and when I said to my boyfriend with tears in my eyes that my feelings were hurt by not only that, but by his criticism of my home (had gone on all day) he said "big f---ing deal, wahhh, your feelings got hurt, get over it....if you don't have the strength in yourself to get over it, that is your problem". I walked out without a response. End of story. I broke up with him the next day after he was cold, empty, and vicious at our counseling appointment. He explained that he was only trying to "challenge" me in the relationship to be a better person, so that I could prove to him that I was worthy to be with him. His idea's about a good relationship was that you should "challenge" each other, but his definition is off. He blamed the problems on me. Saying I was always running away from him in one way or another.

    This man is a professional, handsome, intelligent, creative ,personable, and highly narcissitic man who made me feel wonderful enough to stick around but miserable enough to be sick and disgusted at least a few times a week. I would try to talk seriously about my heart and feelings and he would loudly pass gas and wave the fumes at me and then laugh.

    If this is a relationship that empowers you then by all means, go to counseling, work through the issues, see what your part is. If this is a relationship that affects your health, your sense of who you are (I was starting to forget), leaves all your friends and family miffed at your for staying or going back over and over....then you have to find a way to break free. Save money secretly. Go back to school, and take out a student loan and use the money to move out, and change your number.

    He will not change, you can only change yourself. I still question if I did the right thing after all, he said he loved me right?!!! Control and harsh words do not equal love...EVER. It is a contradiction. You came into this world alone, and you will leave alone, and somewhere you have to find the strength to stand alone. You are a beautiful and amazing person and there is no one else like you. Share that with someone who deserves it!!

    MUCH LOVE TO ALL

  • Karen H

    I am 57, disabled, and living a nightmare everyday. Worked until 6 years ago when my health failed me. My marriage was just okay to this point. Then when I couldn,t work anymore and keep things up money wise anymore, life became hell. My spouse won't give me a dime for anything. Won't take me to a docter and still expects me to pay everything out of my small check while he hoards his money in CD'S and puts me down bragging about his money and how broke I am. He eats all the food and says I don't need to eat. Calls me a bitch, a whore, and talks about my privates making me feel like a peice of dirt. He wakes me up in the middle of the night putting me down. When he comes home at night, I am always on edge because you never know what will happen. He can be fine one second, and then the next minute something snaps. Just watching something on TV can make him snap and he becomes abusive. He brags about all the whores he has been with and calls me afat, ugly slob. He won't help me pay for my medicine but he will sure take it himself if he can get ahold of it. I am the blame for everything that goes wrong in his life. He is an alcoholic and I think he may use drugs. My mother died this past September and he even cusses me over that. He didn't come and support me at her deathbed but he came and parked across the street from the funeral home and watched to see who came and to see when I left there. He then showed up at the graveside the next day parking on a hill where he thought no one would see him. He knows I have no means to leave him and he is loving that fact. he just gets worse every few days. I just wish I knew some means to escape but there is none. I can barely walk and can barely get up from a sitting position due to a disability but he still demands that I pull the masters socks off and wait hand and foot on him. He treats all his friends wonderful and people love him but they don't know the real HIM. I pray for God to let me not wake up from sleep. Life is that bad.

  • Frances

    My story sounds so familiar to all of yours so I won't bore you with details. I will tell you that I went to go and see a pyscologist about 3 years ago and he told me that my husband was mentally abusing me. I decided to stay to try and keep the family together, however I am very concerned about the long time damage it will have on my children. My son will be 14 next month and I already see a few signs that I don't like. They are all really good kids and they are doing really well in school however they yell and get angry alot. Something my husband used to do all the time before he agreed to take a course on confict..

    Does anyone have any information on how mental abuse affects children? Also has anyone out there read a really good book on mental abuse and how to heal yourself of it. Is the answer to see a pyscologist trained in this area, to read books, or is it just to get away from this person.

    I've told my girlfrend that if this marriage ends I want nothing to do with anyone else. I never want to ever go through this again. EVER!! She says time heals but she has never been in my shoes.

    I am considering leaving and am going to consult a lawyer. What do you do in the meantime while you are getting everything in line and getting ready to leave? Do you try to be happy and pretend that everything is o:k? Anyone have any advice?

    Thanks and I can relate because I am going through it.

    Fran

  • cottonbottom

    I have just realised I am in an abusive relationship. Ive been with my husband 6 years (married for 3). everything seemed to be ok but looking back now he always wanted to be in control, making me wait for him to come round, being late, no excuses, having a go at me, everything had to be done his way or his parents way. then when we got married things got worse, we argued all the time, my fault of course, he urinated on me once because the dog peed in the kitchen and i didnt clean it up on time (i was in the loo at the time) he has hit me on a few occasions but always blames it on me, he throws stuff and storms off in an arguement not coming home until i say sorry. apparently i should know what im doing wrong. he says that i should give him sex when he wants it its my duty as a wife and he has forced himself on me, once ripping my trousers down to get his fingers in and then sex. i am scared for him to come home as i never know wat mood he will be in or how he will react.

    his family are very controlling and abusive - his dad hits his mum and his mum once knocked him out.

    i dont know what to do anymore. at the moment we are moving house and i have packed up the whole house by myself (my job as a woman) and he keeps telling me he doesnt know why i am stressed i have nothing to worry about as i just sit at home all day. he calls me names and humiliates me in front of other people. i cant take anymore i want out but have no money and no resources.

    everything in the house i was made to pay for as he just wasted his money and i dont want to lose that. i cant make him leave as we are in military accommodation and once seperated i will be homeless within 90 days.

    please can someone give me some advice and help me. i wish i could go to my doctor but i feel i cant speak to anyone about this. i am so sad, depressed and stressed i just want to explode.

  • Anonymous-16

    I am in an abusive relationship with my fiance, he has choked me, thrown me down, called me names and has isolated me from everyone and I am always afraid, I don't know how to leave because I keep feeling like it is my fault, I always end up saying sorry when I really am not, and when I know that he should be saying it not me. But for some reason I always want to be with him, no matter how bad he hurts me, why is this? Am I really crazy? Last night he dragged me out of the house by my neck and blocked the door so I could not get in, I had to get a hotel room, and all I did was cry, I could not sleep at all. Today I got back in the house while he was gone, and just took a bunch of sleeping pills and went to sleep, I just want to be happy again, and he can make me sooo happy, and he can make me sooo mad, my neck still hurts. What should I do? I guess my real question is how should I leave I know I should but I am not sure how, I have no friends because I was not allowed to have any, and I dont live near any family. He tells me that I am not for the South and this is how guys from the south are and that I need to be a southern girl and deal with it, is this true? HELP PLEASE

  • kali

    Dear help,

    No it is not true that men in the "SOUTH" are like this. I know where you are coming from. You need to pick up and move back to where your family is. It may be far away but I am willing to bet that someone will give you a place to stay and get back on your feet. There are always women shelters also. It sounds to me like he is just one of those guys that think that they need to control everything-and he is controlling you. Let me tell you how he is thinking...

    He doesn't let you have friends or family near because they will tell you how everything he is doing to you is wrong and in his mind that will comprimise everything! If you had support from these people he knows you wouldn't stick with him long. He chokes you and hurts you because he knows that you think you have nowhere to go and noone to talk to so he is sure that you aren't going anywhere and if you do (stay in a motel) you will crawl back to him.

    And let me guess, he can do and say whatever he wants and if you voice your opinion that starts one of these fights?

    And now you are depressed everytime he hurts you because you do love him and you think that there must be something terribly wrong with you for him to hurt you and yell at you and not care. The more that he does things to you the more worthless you feel.

    Get away from him! You may love him but believe me there is someone out there that will treat you like you should be treated. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel once you leave.

  • Anu

    I am 42 a mother of 3 under the age of 5! I am married to a Man that I feel is either bipolar, retarded or just plain mean and abusive. My husband and I fight almost daily about the simple basics of paying our bills. He cannot and will not seem to take responsibility for very important and very basic things in life. This month we are behind in the rent, we owe our Nanny four weeks pay, we are late with credit cards. We are due a tax return but my husband refuses to help with his portion of the receipts.. I had about $1000 in debt when I married this man, now we are up to $130,000 in debt I am sick and stressed all the time about his illogical choices, I have not had a good nights sleep in years because I am the one up at night attending to the children. On top of the financial disaster he verbally abuses me daily in front of the kids, I admit that I have now resorted to the same type of attacks in my defense towards him. It crushes my spirit that our darling innocent babies are subjected to this verbal abuse and witness to the hatred an animosity between us. To top it off I severely broke my leg about a month ago and he physically attacked me the day I was going in for surgery. I am one of those people stuck not knowing if it is better to get away from him or to stay. He has threatened to kill me or damage my face so bad that no one would want me if I attempt to leave. I am not so afraid for myself as I am for my children. I have told his mother and my mother both of which have witnessed the abuse first hand, I have talked to close friends, we have been to couples counseling, individual and group counseling. Things might get better for maybe 2-3 days at the most and then it starts all over. I do feel alone, I do not know what to do. Since the kids came along I have only worked part time, I recently became a realtor which I Love, even with the market going through changes here in California I am able to make several sales a year, my Husband works in the medical industry and throws that in my face every chance he gets that it is his job that has saved me. Its not all bad thats why I stay, he changes diapers and helps feed the kids, he helps put them to sleep and helps when one is sick. He says he loves us and will do anything to make this work.But its been 8 years and we are still facing the same basic issues, I do not ask for much.. Just want to know the bills are paid on time and there is some money available in case of emergencies. I get ranted and raved at and called every disgusting word. THe most heart wrenching was when my 2 year old repeats some the disgusting things his father has called me. I am rambling now.. Don't know what to do...

  • Anonymous-17

    divorced when son was 3, I keep getting inover my head with men whom appear grat and want to treat me and my sonw with respect. As soon as hte relationship is sealed and becomes solid, the emotional abuse starts. My son is now 10, Ihve been without a stable home for about 2 years due to flleing a physically abusive relatioships ad economics in the work palce. I am well educated, attractive, would appear to be on track inlife and work, The opposite is true, I can't seem to move forward with a job that pays enough tolive and support my son. I've had to rely on friends and family. I met the love of my life. A wonderful family man that has custody of his children, a hard worker, comeshome, cooks, cleans, ful of integrity. We met fell in love and are plannign a wedding. His ex-wife contacted one of the kids and was inappropriate with going thorugh the kids. My fiance blew up, started yelling at me......it got to the pont where he eventually called me abith, told me to get out of his bed and feels that I am not suppor tin him, then told me to fuckour realtionship. What?????? From this man that I've never experienced so much love from, and respect from prior??? What do I o? We just told our schoolage children tonight what a greta blended family we have, we are getting arried in 3 weeks. I can't do this again to my son, pack up and leave homeless again. My last relationship ended about 2 years ago when he strangled e after emotional abuse. OMG...Again? I can't believe I am dragging my son thorugh this, again... He deserved more from me. I am a loving, devoting om with a background in law and counseling, how can this be happening again to me , to him, tous? What do I do? I can't leave. We are here ina different city, now a new school, he calls him dad, this must be a nightmare right? I must be imagining this right? Why did I think it would just be a matter of time before he turned on me? Noman has evr treated me the way I have imagined. I've only experienced abusive relationships.. Geez, anything to do with my dad being emotionally and physically abusive with my mom for 30 plus years before he died of Alzheimer? I feellike I was put here to endure pain, and it's notfair that my only son is now living it to with the men in my life. He is my worl...maybe I shouldn't be a mom, maybe Ishould give him to his dad...I can't seem to rise above no matter how I try and fight for my life and y rights in this world. I feel sobetrayed by GOD and evrything. This was and is my last hope. I am not far from 50, look great and so far have aminimum paying job. Why, Why, Why? Why am I here and why do I have to suffer? Ithought those days were over, guess what? Maybe they are jsut beginning all over again. I have no more hope, even though Iwill do the best for my son....is it better to leave and live in a shelter? I have noone and nowhere to go. I ama complete loser and don't deserve to be a mom at this point as I can't seem to make good decisons or the men in my life get ugly when they never were before. How, Why, What do I do? I will most certainly wind up in a shelter, my son, I can't bear to put him through this. We have moved so much these last 2 years I thought this was pemanent and was good. How could he call me such things and hurt me like this and call me names, where did this come from? He just tried to kiss and make up and says that it is my fault that he didn't do anything wrong. Every man I have been with has done this eventuallly. Except the one that got away because he didn't want to be a father aggian, even though he loved me and wanted me, his kids were grown mine was in kindergarten. My ex wan't even absusive other than he didn't really love me when we married because he was in love with his prior girlfiend. So, we divorced then he told me he was really in love with her and then eventuallly married her. So, here I am.. ready and willing and believing in marriage when my fiance blindsides me with emotional abuse. Not too easy to jsut walk away. It's bettr to hide it and try to live life so as to not bring ven more pain to the children. The children are the victims, not the adults, always the children. I never wanted this for my son becasue I knew what it was like growing up in an abusive home. I thought I was breaking the cycle. Now I'm jsut perpeuating it. He can't take another move, breakup, being homeless again. Just suck it up girl, make the most of it. You can't keeprunning, from what will eventually catch you. Wow, I thought I was home free...women like me don't know happiness, true happiness, GOD knows why, HE really does. It is not fair to us or our kids, but trul there is such a thing as being avictim. I didn't choose this, I have to live it, I cannot move my son again, besides I have absolutely no where to go and I make minimum wage even though I am well educated. I'm tired ofpraying and hoping and wishing. We are to be married in 3 weeks and never saw this side of him, saw it coming, but do my experience with men, always expected it and well I wsn't tobe disappointed was I????? My man just turned into someone I don't know, i am so broken hearted beyond words or feelings. I amnumb! Ok god i AM HERE WAITING FOR AN EXPLANATION!!!!

  • Anonymous-18

    I think this article also applies to people who are in institutional settings where they are being abused including places that are familiar to every single person out there: employment places and elementary, middle and high schools. I do not think abuse can ever be eradicated because it is sanctioned as part of our society as 'the way things are' - plus there is so much elitism in work places that it would be impossible to defeat, let alone escape. In many cases the work place teaches certain types of people that they are inferior, and they get the inferior work. And even if it isn't true, it is tough not to believe if it is coming from a superior. And so here we would have a person who would not apply for a job anywhere else either, because they come to develop a diminished view of themselves and accept the view of themselves that is forced on them in the work place.

    In school settings the rich kids are not only seen as, but are treated as more valuable than the poor kids. The poor kids are forced to accept automatic assumptions about themselves in their very first interactions with teachers that rich kids don't have to face, and it is tough to overcome those assumptions. Plus unfair that they have to - but this is a classic example how prejudice and subsequent abuse appears to be built into human nature, and no one admits to it, or even tries to address the problem.

    In school settings, obviously lack of awareness allows the abuse to continue. Children's automatic reaction to abuse is 'it is me- I am defective' and so this escalates the abuse because other people treat you as defective if that is the way you act (even if the total opposite is true!!). I feel especially sorry for little children in this situation who depend on adults to help them develop a correct view of themselves and reality - and instead we get teachers who merely perpetuate it because instead of understanding what the child is really like and what is going on in the child's life, they merely react to the functioning level of the child which can make the child appear to be stupid when he in fact is not! So abuse has life long consequences. It is very scary.

    Plus even if there was awareness, the child can not just decide to go to another school or change teachers! Also even if they had enough guts to say, 'this person makes me feel uncomfortable', they usually can't describe what is going on sufficiently enough to get an adult to listen. Plus as I said, it is sanctioned in our society. I think even this article said what is abuse to one is not abuse to another. I find that view very scary in itself- but I don't have time to debate that idea.

  • Tim

    Met a girl that I thought was my "dream girl" about 2 years ago. She was wonderful in the beginning....but she would start to slowly, then constantly, accuse me of cheating, lying, carrying on online relationships, insulting her, flirting with other girls (any girl who got within 10 feet of me, i'd get a nasty e-mail or phone call). She ALWAYS spoke negatively of men, and I dedicated myself to show her that I was not the "typical guy." At first i handled it well and tried to call it off...but she would always apologize and say it would change, which it never did. After while, i grew so resentful of her constantly accusing me of things that weren't true that i found myself being verbally abusive back to her (not that i am proud of it, or am blaming it on her...it is on me that i should have handled it better or gotten out) calling her horrible things, like "psycho bitch." It made me feel bad about myself to act that way - I just resented her so much for continually telling me that I was doing really bad things that I wasn't doing. Then I found out that she had been lying to me, carrying on and/or pursuing online relationships...basically all the stuff that she accused me of all along! It was like so many comments here....when it was good it was great...but when it was bad, it was really bad. I really loved this girl...but i feel like i got totally played. I ended it a month ago when i found out she'd gotten an eharmony membership without even having the backbone to end it with me properly. It's one thing if she felt differently about me and wanted to end it, but it's another to do that and be cowardly. She'd very frequently be controlling and jealous and she had a way of turning around anything i'd say to use it against me. But of course, she would make assumptions about how i was feeling to justify her behavior, or she would insult me in a clever way and then if i got upset about it, she'd just say "well, i'm just telling you how i feel - I guess I can't talk to you about my feelings then." I was stunned. i always looked like the "badguy." But if you ask her, she will say the same about me - that I'm manipulative and controlling. It's enough to make someone go crazy, and that it what I'm struggling with now because I really do feel that way, that I am crazy! I am so broken-hearted but i know i can't stay with her. I never seemed to make her happy....still I feel like there is something i could have done....either to change myself or her...she made me feel guilty for everything, but when i would try to assert myself she would "flip it" and tell me that i was being controlling. i'm really messed up about this. she comes across as the sweetest thing in the world...and not that I would talk about this to anyone who knows her, but even if i did, no one would ever believe me anyway. i don't know what to do to recover from this....it feels like nothing else i've ever experienced. please....any words of wisdom? I swear to heaven above I treated her well - except when I found myself saying nasty things during an argument. Maybe I'm the crazy one???? Please help! Thank you

  • Me

    that is so sad

  • vicky

    re to the disabled lady being abused by her partner.

    I just read your article and was quite saddened to here how you are being mistreated in a situation where you have found yourself in vulnerablity. However there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. The change of your health may mean you are entitled to different benefits to help you with your life and your health needs. I would suggest rather than tolerating your husbands, obvious lack of guile, on how to deal with your condition as a supportive partner, you go to your local council and find out about other accomodation and also about your health needs and income needs. I can assure you, as a person with disability, you will now be entitled to different living allowance, it may also be able to stretch to getting yourself a carer to help you with your needs, there are many different services out there that can help you, that you may not be aware of. I know that it takes an incredible amount of self confidence, to see that you partner is abusing you, because he can't cope with the change in your circumstances, obviously having a disabled wife is some what affecting his manly pride. YOU MUST TAKE ACTION NOW, it will only get worse. If you are having such problems contact your local council, citizens advice or your local Disabilty council to see if you can be placed in alternative accomodation. Wait until he goes out, also as another support network, ring the Domestic violence helpline they can offer you practical support and may even be able to help you into refuge as a temporary measure. There are people who can help. I cannot promise it will be easy, but you don't have to put up with that, and you won't be on the streets. Many disabled people do get allowances, and depending on the severity of your illness, you may also be entitled to care. You are not alone, please try to consider that. If you fear your husbands response, then please wait until he is at work and start by phoning domestic violence lines and asking them to respect the situation and confidentiality of your query. Please as much as this is hard, don't believe in what he says about you, his abuse is his abusive talking, it is not true. You have worth keep telling yourself this and make plans to get out, don't worry about money, that can be arranged, you may not be well off, but you will have your basic means to pay for food, accomodation and your bills, it is a small start. living with disabilty does not mean you have to put up with an abusive partner, or be treated like a dog, you are human being, but in this life as much as we should all be treated wit digntiy, sometimes we have to fight for it. It seems to me that he has not intention of changing this or making an effort, therefore before you get any more feelings of "not waking up" deal with it now, and place a small goal to be in a better position in 6months as a move toward a better future for yourself. I wish you the best love, and I can tell you there are people out there who can help, don't be a stranger. Good luck.

  • Gh

    I met my husband when I was 15 yrs old, we were friend for about three years and then we married when i was about 18 yrs old. he is 11 yrs older than me. My parents were confronting our marriage but I did it anyway. I loved him and thought that he loves me. I still like him and he always tells me that I'm his love and everything that he has. I think that most of the time he does not undrestand me, he is thinking very differntly, and has a differnt pespective of the life. He wants me to follow some of his ideas, and to follow the things that he thinks are right. He is taking care of me, always pays attention to my eating and sleeping and etc. but he i s not emotionally close to me. when my parents come from another country to visit us, I feel that he becomes jealous, he wants to keep me just for himself. and when I ask why he does this and why he feels this way he says that he was far from his family for 11 yrs and that I don't undrestand him. I try and always tried to be very closed to him and feel him and undrestand him, but I don't know what else to do. When he gets angry of me not listening to him and not agrryieng with him about somethings, he really gets angry and mad, he breaks everythings and destroys everything that is in front of him. I feel so tired and feel that i can't bear this situation anymore i don't feel the same way that i once did to him, and it's all because of seeing him so angry when he dislikes something. I loved him but I'm not sure if I'm still in love with him or just feel responsible to stay with him or maybe feel guilty to do so. I want to seperate from him at least for awhile but he threats me and says that if i divorce he'll kill him self, he always thinks that some one showing and telling me what to do thes things makes me so mad. he says that he loves me so much that he does these things, i don't know what to do. i feel so lonley but I can see that he feels lonley too. it's like he expects me to feel bad and ldon't enjoy the presence of my family because his family are not here. I should try to don't make him mad otherwise... I really don't know what to do. do you think that I'm in an abusive relationship?

  • Anonymous-19

    I have a friend whom I've known for nearly 11 years. She has a boyfriend that she's been on & off with for years & he has done every abusive thing possible aside from raping her or cheating on her.

    When her daughter was 2 years old, this a**hole had my friend cowering in her kitchen & this poor little 2 YEAR OLD CHILD was so scared that she wet herself. I know there were other incidents around this time where police were called but she never pressed charges, she just stayed with him.

    Other incidents include him strangling her on xmas day while at his mothers house. His mother walked in, knowing what had happened & told my friend to get up because her kids 'don't need to see that'. THEN, proceeded to stick up for her son saying that it doesn't matter what he did, he is still my son'... Talk about dysfunctional!

    WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE???

    He has pushed her down stairs, Told her on many occasions that she has a fat backside, has to know who is on the phone every time she speaks to someone, has actually raised his fist to her WHILE she was on the phone to me & then sat there trying to stare her down! Yet she is still there... Because she 'loves' him...

    He has never supported her or the kids financially, he sat on his behind for years, listening to Metallica & smoking dope while she worked, then he had the nerve to have a go at her for being out there working... talk about twisted. Their first biological child has just turned 5 & up until her dad bought her a car a few months back, all they had was his 3 seater ute because he refused to sell it & buy a family car.

    She once had a door-to-door sales job - he rang her one day while she was working, called her a whore & told her to 'get back to her clients'!!!

    He had a Marijuana habit for years & promised to give up, which he did (as far as we know anyway). She said she'd leave him if he started it again as she believes it triggers his 'bad behaviour' (However, I think he is just a bully, an insecure paranoid freak & loose cannon, nothing more, nothing less). But in the last few months he has started smoking it again, hiding it & lying about it but she still won't leave. He even had the nerve not even 24 hours after he was caught again with it, to ring her & ask her to invite his dealer down for the night, obviously so he could get more. He has absolutely no respect for her at all, why can't she see that??

    This man collects Nazi items, including a massive swastika flag, Coats, Gas masks, helmets & even has guns in their house. He once asked their then 8 year old daughter to PHOTOGRAPH him in his nazi clothing WHILE her mother wasn't home & then hid the fact. She only found out when she went through the camera card! The worst part is that when she told me about it, she made out like it wasn't a big deal & that her kids think the nazi stuff is 'normal' & not some dirty little secret... He also asked her last weekend to bring his nazi jacket out to his mummies house & proceeded to parade around in it.

    To top it all off, she is now pregnant with her 2nd biological child to him & even though she has just told me (in the last few days since she found MORE marijuana on him), she is going to conduct a trial separation... then she told another good friend of ours that she 'owes it to the new baby' to give things another try with this horrible man. Not only is she lying to herself but she's lying to her friends & family & I feel that my duties as a supportive friend are well & truly over because it stresses me out to much, too much drama.

    My question is this... WHY???

    I think the 'friends' of abused people out there should be reconised because it seems we do more worrying than the abused person half the time? Theres only so many times you can watch a deluded person leave & then go back to a relationship like that.

  • Kimberly

    I'm in the exact same boat!!! we are not crazy! This is all part of the psychological game that abusers play. It's their way of staying in control and twisting everything to make themselves look good. It's time to get out. My boyfriend (who I am struggling to get released from) just doesn't see that he is the abuser (even though every relationship he's ever been in is destructive and ends horribly and I still get along with every ex I ever had including my ex-husband of 10 years). The pattern will not change for them - nothing makes them happy. I've also started the name calling, hanging up on him (12 year old games) and i now have a short fuse myself. However, I have realized that his behavior has cycled down to me. I will not let that take over - especially for my children's sake (who are not his). Get out now...YOU'RE WRITING ON THIS POST SO YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. Be strong, keep your head up, you are better than that and she does not deserve your love. Do not answer calls, listen to voicemails, call her, email her. They always have an excuse to draw you back in. And it never ends pretty.

  • Niesje

    I have written on here twice before, reading those comments, makes me realise how far I've come. But also makes me think, where was my head! A lot more has happened since then. Although the relationship for me is finally finished and has been so for the past 8 months. He has moved to the little country town I have lived in for 8 years, has moved 2 streets behind my house. Although he has a new girlfriend kept contacting me. Now I have an intervention order out against him.

    I have finally taken responsibility for my role in all this. I have allowed someone to do this to my life. Regardless of the fact that what he has done is totally wrong, I still accepted his bad behaviour every single time by taking him back. And given him a free ticket on how to treat me. Once I realised this, and I know people can tell you till they are blue in the face, you have to come to that point all by yourself, I felt like a big weight had lifted of my shoulders. Because what you don't recognise you can't change. Believe me life, love isn't meant to be like this!! Its all a lot of bullshit what they and you put yourself through. Get out when you see warning signs, they are there for a reason. Listen to your body, your gut will tell you. And if all fails, imagine your kids faces, think of how fast time passes, what this will do to their lifes, how they view relationships etc. How they will look back at this time of their lifes. As fun or miserable? Do you honestly want that for your own children. Stop being selfish, think of them. You have a responsibility to show a good example, offer them a safe nurturing environment. So they can grow up into adults that are stable, happy people. What are you showing them? Both your sons and your daughters? How NOT to live a happy, healthy life? I'm really sorry if all this sounds harsh, but at one point, my very supportive girlfriend through all this said the same to me. And I thank her for it, because after going back for yet another time, I had no one to blame for it then myself. I needed someone to shake me out of this .How many times does it have to happen before we realise that enough is enough and thinks aren't going to change?

    Life is all about choices, and deep down we all know what is a good or a bad choice. Take all the emotions out of it, just try..look at it obfectively and then ask yourself..Is this the life I want for myself and my children? Surely not.

  • Marina

    I have wondered a long time why I stayed with a man who threatened to kill me, who choked me, belittled me, bullied me... I walked on egg shells, perhaps that's too mild a description or too cliche, for fifteen years. It didn't happened everyday, probably because I adapted- whats the expression adapt or die?

    Perhaps It was fear, but in someways I think I was ashamed. I didn't want any one to know that I was being beaten or abused. I was ashamed to find myself in this situation. Here I am an educated woman, two post graduate degrees, trapped by an abusive husband who controls my life and threatens my professional standing.

    I think back on it and I wondered why I stayed. I felt so numb when it was happening and when it was over. I wasn't alive for 15 years. I was surviving.

  • Erin

    I have spent the whole afternoon reading everyones posts and I really feel for everyone out there. Thank you for all of your comments of support and well wishes to everyone else out there too, that really helps others who have not yet been as strong as you to walk away.

    I myself am in a very demanding abusive relationship. I need some help and guidance of where to turn to and what to do now. I suspect my partner has BPD also which makes this even harder to cope with. Nothing I can do is right nomatter how big or small. He demands so much of my attention and love but when he gets it, its still not enough. He made lists of times I 'hurt' him and made him feel alone and worthless or to the point of 'necking himself' I told him the fact those thoughts crossed his mind means he needs help, considering the times he refers to were work functions or concerts where he was either invited and chose not to come or was not able to as he was working himself. I have such a loving caring strong family who I am very close to but I have been almost isolated from them due to his demanding and jealousy.

    I could go on for hours about the things he has done to me, called me, made me feel, but my main concern now is not focusing on what he has done, its focussing on how to leave him forever, Please give me tips on how to walk away without going back. We have broken up almost 4 times now, but everytime he fills me with promises it will change, and never does. I always go back because I am weak and love him so much and cant fathom my life without him in it. He is destroying the strong independant woman that I once was, and I need to get her back before she is gone forever... I once wanted to stick around and help him, but I know now I am not a doctor, nor will he change now.

  • Suzi

    Erin. YOU have to be strong and get out now. It's never too late. I just got out of a VERY abusive marriage. The statistics show that until the abused leaves for good, they will go back to the abuser 7-8 times before they have had enough. It's true. I lost count how many times I went back to him. I too, "Loved him so very much and couldn't imagine life without him." I 've known him for 20 years of my life. The key here Erin is , you have to love yourself more than you do him. You would never hurt yourself in anyway. You are a strong woman and can do this.

    When you do leave him, he will pull out ALL the punches and tricks up his sleeve from making you feel guilty for leaving him all alone to making you feel jealous of things so you'll take him back. It's easier to stay than to leave-trust me. We have a daughter together who is 2 years old now but the first sign of my abuse was when I was 2 months pregnant with her. He threw me around on the bed like a wet noodle. Things continued on the longer I stayed. name calling, degrading me, jealousy of me and my life before him, my friends and family went away to make my life easier to deal with him, mental,verbal and physical abuse. You name it-he dealt it.

    When my daughter was 6 months old he came home drunk and beat the living crap out of me. Thats when I left him for the first time. It took a full year of back and forth with him to finally get the guts up to leave him for good. I am a MUCH happier person now. I can be myself and have a wonderful boyfriend now who doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He has never raised his voice let alone a hand at me. There is a better life out there for you sweetie. You just have to want it bad enough and find the courage to take it and run like the devil with it. Good luck and I hope to hear from you. We all could use someone to talk to-especially those who have been through it. feel free to contact me- Thinking of you. Suzi

  • Niesje

    I've posted several comments on here, and have not been with my abusive expartner for almost a year now. It has been a long road, but as I've mentioned before after taking accountibility of my role I played in this it was very clear to me that I have choices. I've read a lot about why, how etc and spiritual, selfhelpbooks you name it. I never want this in my life again and I realise that it is something in me that I have to recognise and change, take responsibility for my own life. A friend of mine enrolled me into the Land Mark Forum, its a three day course, which are given all over the world. Its been absolutely amazing. I can not really explain, but over the three day course they show you why certain things that you do, how they effect your life and how to really reinvent yourself. People have said to me when I told them, that it sounds like a cult or airy fairy. Nothing could be further from the truth, you know, what have you got to lose? We invest in our houses, cars, clothes etc. But too give YOURSELF three days of your life and the chance to really turn it around we are sceptical about. I can only say that I have peace in my life again, that I wasn't all those things I perceived to be, that I can start all over and put the past in the past. Just think about it as I said you have nothing to lose.

    Wish you all a better, more fullfilling, loving life

  • Richard

    I just wanted to add to the posts regarding this article. I finally had the courage to face my wife of 8 years of her abuse in our relationship and she walked out on me and my two girls. My ideal of support was to give her a social life and I stayed home took care of the children. What started out as one or two nights a week, she began to go out every night not wanting to spend time with me or my children. I confronted her about this behavior and she left us. During this process I was confused and angry as she conveyed to me it was my fault for causing us to seperate. I reminder her that it was her who wanted out of the marriage by her behavior. During the first week after she left, she would say to me how much she missed me, etc., playing mind games to keep control of me. I had the courage to ask her if we could fix this and if she would help me financially raiser our daughters, her reply was, "no". I then filed a court order for child support against her the next day and then hired a lawyer. I believe the reason why people who have been abuse wait, is that you pray that the abuser will change their mind. It was quite apparent that my wife left the relationship years ago emotionally as during the break up she was unemotional and there was not one tear from her. She asked that we if we can split up our two homes without lawyers. I felt that there was something wrong with this, my lawyer then open my eyes to what was happening, the house she wanted had a lot of equity in it, the house I was living in had very little. I have acomulated a lot of debt during our marriage, this is called a shared debt and she must pay half of it. If I would of let her have her way I would of lost almost 30 thousand dollars. What makes me ill is the emotional pain she is putting our children through and she does not care.

    This experience has made me a stronger person I realized that I have been co-depentant all my life and I want to this to stop. I want my next relationship to better, I want to be with a woman that wants to spend time with me and my children. I am not asking much, however from her it seems like a lot. Knowing this I cannot be married to this person.

    It has been over 14 weeks and I have already been out on a couple of dates with women that enjoy my company already and I am in the process of splitting up all our assets and shared debt. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to finally being good to myself and therefore I can be a better and stronger father for my children.

    I do not regret for ending my abusive marriage and I look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel and meeting the woman of my NEW DREAMS in the future.

    I wish everyone all my love and support. You can stop the abuse and move forward and be with someone that will love and treat you with respect as any normal healthy relationship requires.

    You deserve it and so do your children!!!

  • Anonymous-20

    It is incredible to me and I see it happening, but I am still there. I learned, just under a year ago, that I have been living with a verbally and emotinally abusive partner for 27 years. I have read self help books and learned to counter the abuse, but I am still with my abuser. I have incurred a lot of debt. She works part time and pays for the groceries and her gas. I pay for everything else in our relationship and did so even when the kids were younger. This includes all the bills for eating out which we do a lot. I wanted to live on a budget which she never did, so we continue to live her way. I am starting to flashback and I get angry about how we have lived. She slept in most of her life, worked part time while raising the kids, demanded respect, controled our sex life, took over the master bedroom closets in every house in which we lived and I suported it. She was angry and unhappy most of her adult life. It was always our fault and she never apologised. She was mean a demanding to our kids and now they are grown and/or gone. Our daughter dislikes the way my wife interacted with her, but my daughter and I are close. My son died as he committed suicide at 18 and a half years old. I still hurt and miss him every day. My wife's abusive father has become more and more dependent over the last three years. He was an abuser and possibly even a narcissist. My wife learend how to abuse from a master abuser. So now our days evolve around her helping her father, her attempting to heal from her abuse and me helping/enabling. Why don't I have the courage to leave? I know I need to and I must, but I am still there. I don't like to hurt people and I feel that this is keeping me from doing what I need to do. Any advice from those who have been where I am now would be greatly appreciated. I am in my fifties and want to eek some long term hapiness from this journey and don't believe that it will be possible in the current setting.

  • Anonymous-21

    First of all, my sympathies to you regarding the loss of your son, I can’t imagine how you must feel. I am truly sorry for your lost. Now to your comments, I can totally relate to how you are feeling towards your wife. I too have been in your situation and can understand what you are going through and believe it or not, not do I only read books on self-help I work as a speaker in that industry. For the last several years I was not walking my talk, yes I did put on a good show for my audience, however deep down inside I was not being real. My soon to be ex-wife controlled all the money, decorated the house, I was not allowed to put any of my pictures up, she had total control, let me rephrase that, I enabled her. I truly believe the reason why I was not success in life and business up until now was because I was living a life of an illusion, I was married to someone that did not want to be with me, nor did she want to have children. That’s okay by me, as far as I am concerned I receive the better deal and would not trade my two daughters for anything. If I had to do it all over again I would, I love my girls! I believe you have lied and compromised yourself so much over the years you can’t see a way out, it’s called codependence, just like a drug, you don’t believe you can survive without it. You can kick the habit and free yourself from your own bondage. So what you are in your fifties, it could be worst, you could be writing your comments 10 to 20 years from now, you have a chance to break free and experience true happiness. You are the only person that can make yourself happy, stop making your wife happy and start making yourself happy, once you tasted this, you will be amazed at the strength you possess, you can do it!! I believe the first step in your journey was reading the above article and asking for help. It is our ego that prevents us from asking for help, from moving forward, life is too short to live in ego, be happy, be yourself, tame your ego and start being real, start enjoying life, start living life, you deserve it and so does your daughter. I don’t know what else to share with you except that I am happy that you have made a first step. It’s up to you to take another step forward. Please surround yourself with loving and supportive people, get counseling and keep asking for help. As far as your wife’s father is concerned, just ignore him and he will leave you alone. My ex-wife’s mother mentally and physically abused her when she was a child and her step-father sexually abused her as well, believe it or not my ex is living with her mother and has a relationship with her step-father. Go figure? I would like to mention that these people don’t like me, I am standing up to their daughter and they don’t like it. She walked out on the marriage and wanted me to hand her everything and I didn’t so in everyone’s mind, I am being unreasonable. I am fighting for myself and for my children for what is right and for what is the law says I am entitled to. I would like to mention that my ex-wife is now playing the stalling game. I cannot move forward with the separation until she does a financial disclosure and has a meeting with my lawyer and hers, it’s called a 4 way meeting. So far she is taking her time doing what is required and our first meeting was rescheduled because she took a vacation to South America, knowing we had a meeting lined up. I will never understand why an abuser still wants to keep control of the abusee, our marriage is over, let’s move on, let’s separate, let’s divide up all our assets, let’s focus on raising our children in the most healthy environment we can despite the circumstances but no, she does not want to do so. I cannot control her actions all I can do is control how I feel and deal with the situation and yes I do have my moments but when I think of my girls and the day I will get remarried to the right woman, this gives me strength and courage. I can do it and so can you!!! Thanks for letting me share, Richard. PS. Yes, I still believe in the institution of marriage, yes I choose wrong but I have two beautiful daughters out of the deal and I can live with that!

  • Anonymous-22

    To all of you who are trying to leave an abusive relationship, and those who have left recently, I wish you all of the strength in the world! I am a survivor of a horribly abusive relationship, and have been free from that lifestyle for 4 years now. I spent 6 years with a man who managed to convince me that I could not go on without him, that noone else could ever "love me the way he could." I can't even begin to describe how brainwashed I became through this relationship.

    Though this had been going on throughout most of the relationship, the night I planned to leave became the worst night of the relationship, and the worst night of my life. As many of you know, most often when a victim gets killed, it is when he/she is trying to leave the relationship. Don't do this last minute!! Be prepared for the worst, and have people (friends, family, neighbors, law enforcement) there to help you when you leave. In my case, I was not prepared, and when he came home early and saw what I was doing, he had one of his "episodes" and nearly killed me. (The resulting brain damage caused me to have to have brain surgery the following year.) By the grace of God, I was able to get away to a safe place. Later that night he was arrested, and a few days later was charged with attempted 1st degree murder.

    For those of you who think you might be in an abusive relationship, YOU ARE. If not, it wouldn't have crossed your mind to reasearch this topic and be reading this now. People are around to help each of us. WRAP (men and women's rape assistance) can help. They do not just assist victims of rape they will help anyone in an abusive relationship with shelter, counseling, assistance and support in court, and much more. I will be forever grateful for the things they have done for me over the past few years.

    If you are afraid, have faith that things will get better. They do! I was very codependent, and convinced by this coward that I would be forever miserable without him, and that is what took me so long to leave. I have since that time finished 2 college degrees, met a wonderful partner, obtained a job that I love, and I am HAPPY WITHOUT HIM!!

  • Still hurting

    My wife had left our home for four days to figure herself out and asked if she could come home. I said that we would have to talk. She came home and we talked for hours. She declared that she was abusive and realized that neither the kids nor me were ever first in her life. She acknowledged, through discussions with her sister, that her dad had been a controller and an ass their entire lives. I thought that I should give my wife another chance. That was a month ago. Now she is starting to show the same old controlling traits that were at full strength prior to her humbling apology. In a recent conversation she told me that she didn't think that she had been that hard to live with. She said that she thought that she supported most things I wanted to do. I was amazed. I had to fight her to get my Master's degree. There was no discussion when I was offered an doctoral opportunity. We had the number of children she chose to have. As for the small stuff, every time I left the house for anything, it was a big ordeal. The longer the absence the greater the guilt payment. I can't believe the words I hear coming out of her mouth. It is like we lived in two different worlds and now she is trying to erase my perceptions of what happened by substituting my thoughts with hers. She was mean and needy forever and now she is pretending that she was so nice. The last few years, I decided to do whatever I wanted and even now she still tries to control me. Do these people ever change? I think she pretended to change, just to be invited back. Now the honeymoon is over, I see the same old gal I enabled for years. She is on medication which is changing under a physicians supervision, but her anger and memory are incredible. If I hadn't journaled the last two years, I would doubt my perceptions on how things went down. Do abusers ever change? Do they just say what needs to be said to be forgiven? Do they actually believe their perception of events? Do they remember what they were like and how they behaved? I thought she was willing to change, but now I fear it was just a ploy.

  • Richard

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I cannot express to you how much strenght your post has given me and that you now have 2 degrees, a great job and you are with a wondful partner. I am so happy for you, I am speechless.

    I just wanted to share with everyone where I'm at. It's been 7 months since I left my abusive relationship and I am still going strong. Things are starting to happen with the seperation and it's because I am a fighter. I share this because there will be times you may want to quit, don't! I am so glad I did not quit! You will find inner strength you never thought that you possessed.

    Okay back to me, my ex-wife gave me an offer that will allow her to walk away from all our acculative debt, mortgage, etc., basically she does not want to give me a dime and for me to assume all the debt. I could not believe this offer because it offers nothing. However in the mind of abuser their world is so dark, what is right and legal does not shine through. I counter offered and said she can have everything she wants on the condition I become primary care giver for our children. I will assume 440K of debt and she does not have to give me anything. If she does not agree then I will foreclose on my home dragging her with me. I can rebuild, I can rent, I will do whatever it takes to provide for my children, however I cannot let her bully me anymore.

    I love my children so much, I would gladly go into several million dollars of debt for them. They are my strength, they are the reason why I am still alive today, they are why I keep fighting.

    It is my hope that this post gives you the strength to continue to keep fighting for yourself, to free yourself of thoughts that cannot live without the abuser in your life, you can live and survive without abuse, you can become stronger, you can create the life that you dreamed about and deserved.

    As I mentioned it's only been 7 months for me and for the first time since this progress began, I kind of see a light of hope at the end of the tunnel. I still need help, I am aware of this but thanks to my support group and working out, which helps burns away the feelings of helplessness and frustrations, I am going to survive for my children and more important for myself.

    Thank you for letting me share, my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone that has ever been abused and my gratitute to those who have moved forward to bigger and better things. I look forward to joining you all oneday!

    Richard.

  • fairlyodd

    As rediculous and stupid as it sounds. Thats how I feel. We have been togerther for 15 years, married for 8 of those years with 2 little boys. In the beginning we fought a lot, we were both jelous and insecure and wanted to spend all of our time together. We may have been able to work through this by building trust but instead my husband began to pull away from me to do things he shouldn't have been doing. He told me he had a struggle with homosexual fantasies, he had all kinds of sex toys, pornography, lingerie and videos. When he told me about this it was while crying, like a confession, asking me for help, saying "I'm not gay" over and over. All of that proved to be an act so he could try and get me to participate in this stuff. I didn't agree with it and wanted him to just get rid of it. This mixed with drinking is when the verbal abuse began, which lead to emotional, mental and physical abuse. He would call me names, make me feel inadequite for not playing along, and eventually would just go and sneak behind my back and do it. He would spend more time, money and energy on that then he did on our sex life. He then began to try and convince me to go to a gay bar where he could find someone to mutually masterbate with. I was afraid if I didn't go that he would also go behind my back and persue this, like he had the other things. So I went, well, one day while I was gone to work and he was home (because he wasn't working, he rarely had a job in those days) he called me saying how guilty he felt for having one of the men from the gay bar come over for oral sex and masturbation.

    He told me how guilty he felt and was so loving and "into me" after that, that I forgave him and we moved on. He promise that he would never do that again, but the fantasies, pornography etc continued and my resentment over them was greater than ever because now I knew they posed a threat to him being faithful. I would always object and be looking for any sign of him using the toys etc. And would blow up every time I caught him. This made me want to leave and persue a normal relationshipwhich made him angry, the abuse escalated at this point because he knew of my thoughts to leave him. I would frequently have to go to work on no sleep, with bruises and marks from the all night fighting. I just wanted him to stop and he wanted to force me to stay and accept whatever he wanted to do. He would call me a whore, accuse me, all while he did as he pleased. I became pregnant after 4 years and the physical abuse went on during my pregnancy, throwing me on the floor, holding me down etc. I have 3 kids from my previous marriage who witnessed some of these things and were damaged from them. Once I had our son, by c-section, his mother brought his ex-girlfriend over with her to see the baby the first day we were home. She was staying with his parents for awhile because my husband has a daughter with her and I guess they thought it was acceptable to bring her along. I was upset and when they left I told him so. This brought an immediate reaction of anger, name calling, etc and I defended my position that they were wrong in bring her there. My husband took our 5 day old son and put him on the bed and began to throw me on the bed etc. I was so afraid that my incision would rip open and all my guts would fall out. I hated him for that and my resentment and anger continued to grow. I wanted to leave but with 4 kids, no fmaily near by and no job, I didn't have any way to do so. So I planned, I would save and slowly plan my way out. But as the weeks and months past, my husband was trying. And I began to have to have hope that we could be a decent family. So I abandoned my plans to leave and once again focused on being with him and making it work. But then the abuse started again. I would find that he had been making trips to the porno shop and making videos of himself with his toys. It made me sick and my resentment was there again. I would blow up everytime I found the stuff and tell him to get rid of it or I was leaving. This would cause him to become violent and abusive on every level. I wanted him, loved him, needed him, but could not accept him doing this. He would misuse everything for this purpose too, his recording equipment he used to make sick recordings of himself and his gay talk, and everytime I left the house getting the stuff out and making videos, or whatever, he was in adult chatrooms, used his portable dvd player to watch videos. It was like thats all he thought about. The whole time, calling me a whore and a cunt and anything else he could think of. Over the next few years, he broke my hand taking a swing at me,threw a piece of glass while drunk and it hit me in the forehead so hard that 2 years later I still have complete loss of feeling on the whole upper half of my head. He is a sneak, liar, cheat,drunk who abuses not only me but now he calls my adult cildren all the names he has always called me. And just 2 days ago I found that he has a profile page on craigslist looking for women. He emails me 75-100 times a day saying every hateful thing he can think of because my son told him if he touches me again, he is calling the police. And yet he can still hurt me, and I'm having a hard time focusing on leaving, why do I even care what he does after all of the years of abuse! I hate him so much but then feel like I will die if he is out of my life. I'm a mess. I joined alanon and have finally surrounded myself with people who are trying to help me leave. But inside my heart aches for the family I have wanted all these years that will never be.

  • Richard

    Hi everyone I wanted to share some of the things I've going through, first of all I to apologize at some at my previous posts, although I was not lying to you all, there was still an underling of hate and vengence I had for my ex-wife as I wrote them.

    I am proud to say after 7 1/2 months I have let go have thinking of ways of getting back at my ex-wife. Yesterday was the first time I saw her since my shifting and I almost started to cry. I truly feel sorry for her, it saddens me what is going to happen to her soon in court. All I am doing is protecting my children as I seek a settlement towards our seperation and pending divorce, I need help financially as I am slowly sinking paying a mortgage, legal fees, food, bill, etc., all by myself and I am looking for a job right now with no luck. My children are my focus and what keeps me going.

    If there is anything I can share with you that will make a difference, please let go of the hate and angry you have for what your partner done to you as soon as you can. You will begin to feel alive again once you do so.

    One thing I would like to share with everyone is that I have been watching the television show, "Intervention" on A&E, I've heard about this show and don't have cable so I couldn' watch it. You can find it on YouTube. I can't express to you how much this program has help me come to closure, so many unaswered questions regarding my ex-wife's behavior were answered and to see other people go through what I am going through and what I am feeling was very powerful for me. I am more awake than ever!

    I wish I could put my ex-wife through an intervention but she surrounds herself with people that enable her. It is my wish and hope that she wakes up for the sake of our children. Our pending court date will just acknowledge her responsibilities in regards to matrimony law.

    I still have faith that oneday she will realize what she is doing for our daughters sake and become at least a good mother for them. As far as my ex-wife and I are concerned, it's over, yes this saddens me however I am no longer the weak co-depentant person I once was. I am a new stronger person that will be the best father I can be for my children and if there is any silver lining in my situation it is this. I love my children so much that I will overcome any obsticle I may face, dispite this reccession or my ex-wife's behavior.

    Thank you everyone for letting me share and for your patience with me. I love you all, I love my girls and most important I love myself.

    Richard.

  • Anonymous-23

    I have been in abusive relationships before-more mental/emotional-because I come from a childhood, though loving many times, bred an environment where yelling and insulting and irrational verbal outrages were normal. This did not help my self esteem and my knowledge of boundaries.As an adult, I've been so depressed at times and lonely that I have gone out with people who reinforced my negative self image.But I have finally met someone that I feel is the love of my life and he treats me well-he is not perfect-but at least he doesn't see the need to take out his insanity on someone else. His childhood is not perfect either and maybe that is partially why we click so well-among having many other things in common-we have both had time to work through our childhood issues and know how hurtful and wrong abuse is and would never want to inflict that on someone else, least of all our loved ones. I did not know I could ever feel love like I do--on some level I felt destined to be alone and/or in a mediocre relationship at best. But I always carried some hope in my heart, as a hopeless romantic. And I feel blessed now that I was given my boyfriend, because he is truly a God send, and gave me back my faith in finding true love on Earth.Whether you believe in God or not, just know there is something out there in the universe that will pull you to the one that you were meant to be with-and that sure as hell isn't the abuser. Just let them go f*ck themselves-because that is all they feel in their narcissistic minds is worthy of love anyhow.

  • Anonymous-24

    Hello everyone. I have never been in an abusive relationship, however reading this article and reading the responses to the article has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I had no idea how hard it is to get out of an abusive relationship and how easy it is to get sucked into one. Throughout my life I have known of people who have been abused and I have always wondered why they just couldn’t pack their bags and leave. I have learned that there is so much more to packing your bags and leaving. With the people I’ve known, I see now that the abuse had a lot to do with their children and how much it meant to the women to keep their children in one stable family setting. I’m just glad that there are web sites like this for people to express their feelings. People can lean on each other here and shear their stories only to end up getting a response that can be uplifting and inspirational. I can now see that this article helped to bring people together and raise awareness about domestic violence. It is amazing how a blog can make a difference in someone’s perspective on life .To those who have yet to find a way out, keep trying everyday because you will find a way. I have faith in you, whoever you may be. Also to those who have gotten out you inspire me to never back down to someone who treats me inhumanly.

  • Anonymous-25

    I have been in an abusive relation for many years. After I had given up on him, now he has changed and is nice to me..don't know what to do..haven't felt sympathy for myself in years and i don't have anyone who could listen to me for days on end. just writing this comment as i don't understand how to react now that he has changed. still continuing the marriage and trying everyday to love him better.

  • Anonymous-26

    How come I feel that I am the abuser as well as the victim? I am 60. for 12 years I have loved this man. I want it to be better again. He says he does. Wants me to promise not to betray him again. Yet sill not and doesn't trust me. So I'm on a loser on that one. I am faithful. There is no other man or woman. I am more in child mode. He in angry parent mode. Now got skin problems. I feel I am wrong all the time. Not him. My previous failings are railed against me. My mother, my adult children, I am even the hypocrite and everything else the same as a bloke that we've fallen out with. I am depressed. Low. He and I have self loathing for different reasons. His former wife attacked him physically. He has only twice mildly intimated physical abuse. I am not afraid of that . But shouting reminds me of my father and mother when I was little. I get frozen. Cant think. Need time . He's clever with words. I have made many mistakes. I only have this home. I don't know what to do. We live off my money. I think he has BPD or manic depression. I want to help him , touch him again, his eyes look deranged. I m not allowed to talk about him. I know I am being controlled, bullied, scared, but I will stand up to him.

  • Nicole

    Im a 24 year old young woman who has been involved in a verbal/emotional/mentally abusive relationship for almost 2 years now. Prior to this relationship I was involved with a young man who wasnt abusive, however just didn't want to commit so when I ended up in this relationship I thought I had finally struck gold and met the person that I would spend the rest of my life with. In the beginning things were WONDERFUL, we talked on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, spent lots of time together, I introduced him to different things and we just seemed to click. There were red flags initially but I brushed them off assuming that it were things that he would deal with (He grew up in a home where he was verbally abused). I fell for him and I fell hard. I trusted him and I never thought in a million years that he would be the one person to say some of the meanest things anybody has ever said to me. This past year has been nothing short of hell for me.. The emotional abuse started out with lies about his lifestyle and what he was doing, all of a sudden I was expected to deal with other women calling and texting him because they were just friends. When I wouldn't go for this he would tell me that "A real women wouldn't care about other women but I guess your not a real women who is mature enough to understand that". I started trying to tolerate things I knew werent right. He started to lash out on my for no reason however when I would call him out on this stuff he would say "you made me yell because you never think before you talk". I began walking on eggshells all the time, I would start thinking about what I would say and text before saying anything to him because I didnt want to make him upset. That never worked and when I would say things to him his respose would be "Did you hear what you just said? or Do you think before you say stuff?" The most devastating thing for me to handle has been the Silent Treatment.. He has ignored me at least once or twice a month for the past year for anywhere between 2 to 5 days, simply because I said the wrong thing to him.. There is no words to describe how hurt I've felt when I would be calling and texting him and he wouldn't respond. Ive set at home and at work and cried.. Once he is done proving whatever point he is trying to prove through not talking to me he texts me and tell me how much he is hurting and upset about the way his life is going so that sucks me right back in to feeling sorry and trying to fix his problems.. This has gone on for a year now and I recently started seeing a therapist. Last month he broke up with me so that he could "find himself" However we started back doing "couple like things" without the title a few weeks ago.. Yesterday we got into an argument so he is ignoring me again..

    This relationship has been a nightmare for me but Ive stuck it out because I Love Him and I keep hoping that one day he will have this epiphany and see that Im a good woman and change.. Im still waiting.. I had some issues with my self esteem prior to this relationship and he has pretty much finished off any self esteem that I did have. Ive heard it all from him.. He has told me that "if I leave him, he wont be single", "Im not serious enough for him, I dont take life serious, he doesnt need to be with anyone like me, Im weak, I need to lose weight, I'm not as mature as he is..etc" Im a college graduate and Ive lost count of the times that Ive questioned what has come out of my mouth because he basically told me that I was stupid.

    Today I sit here at work and Im totally emotionally drained. He isnt talking to me right now and it hurts but not as much as it used to because he does this all the time.. He is hot and cold all the time and from one day to the next I dont know if he will love me or hate me. I feel like Im on an emtional rollercoaster and I know that I will stay on it until I decide its time to get off. I want so bad to just change my number and have nothing else to do with him but its hard when you love someone.. Im in no position to give anyone advice however if you see your relationship in anything that Ive written I hope that you would get help and work towards getting out. If you have friends or family members in abusive relationships please dont give up on them, its difficult to hear people say "I dont want to hear anything else about it because you continue to stay"

    Good Luck and Please Pray For Me...

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Dear Nicole,

    I want to very gently point out to you that what you need more than prayer is to get out of this relationship.

    It is interesting to read that you cannot leave this abusive man because "you love him." Sorry, but I believe that you are not being honest with yourself.

    My guess is that you continue in this frustrating, unhappy and unrewarding relationship because you ashamed to leave and admit you have made a mistake and because you worry about not having a boyfriend once you leave and you will be alone.

    I am pleased that you are in therapy so that, in the end, you can summon the courage and determination you need to leave this person.

    We cannot change people and it is foolish to wait until they change. I always warn people in your situation that "what you see is what you get." He is mentally abusive and disrespectful to you. It will only grow worse if you stay around.

    There are other young men, people who want an intimate relationship and who are respectful.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-27

    I have read all of the other stories, and for the + tenth time in 6 yrs I realize that I am too in a abusive relationship. I understand now how the denial and brainwashing really makes you feel like everything is really OK when it really is not. He has admitted to cheating 3 times, and treats me and my three children two of which are not his like we are never uncapable of living up to his perfect standards. The name calling and the insults make me feel like I'm hardly a real person, when deep inside I know that I am a better person that he will ever be. The co-dependency is the worst feeling ever. A single mother of 3 at 35 yrs old is never a little girls dream and the never ending put downs and guilt of the past can't be overlooked. I'm at a brick wall and know in my heart what lies ahead. Only never ending torture of lies and insults and name calling or a lonley cold new bright beginning to something only imanginable or desired. I have never been a big risk taker and think if this man excepts me and my kids and does contribute like a father should then what the heck being called a cunt and a stupid dumb whore is not all that bad. But in reality if someone really truly loves and respects you these words would never be heard. The first step in recovery is the first step in the other direction of the deranged, poor little man that has to hurt and abuse to fullfill his own insecurities.

  • leslie

    Dear Nicole,

    I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. Remember, you are the expert of your own experience, not friends, family, PhD's or otherwise.

    What you are describing about still loving your partner is a very common experience for women in abusive relationships. This is because abuse does happpen in cycles. I'm sure there are times you see the person you first started dating sometimes, or he is kind and caring, and then there is the hurtful abusive person you are often seeing. This can be crazy making for women and keep them holding onto love or the hope he may change.

    The unfortunate thing about the cycle is that it is driven by his need to feel power and control over you. Even the kindness has strings attached. And he is controlling this cycle, which is why nothing you have tried has seemed to work. You are not responsible for his abusive behaviour. It is not your fault. Only he can decide to stop this cycle.

    It sounds like you have a lot of insight into your situation, and it takes a lot of courage to share your story. Those feelings of love for him may never go away completely, but you deserve to live your life free from abuse.

    And you made a very important point about family and friends being supportive. If you are finding that these people are not being helpful or are making you feel bad, it may be a good idea to talk to someone else. Maybe at a women's centre, someone who understands the cycle and why it is so hard to leave.

    You sound like a caring, honest and brave woman.

    Stay strong,

    leslie

  • ray

    I am in an abusive relationship with a woman. We intended to get married, but an unplanned pregnancy put that off. We are now in a holding pattern because I don't want to commit to an abusive marriage. We now have a second child on the way (we are intimate).

    She claims this is part of the new mother/pregnancy process and that it will get better. She also has seen doctors for PPD, but refuses to medicate. I saw signs of it before the pregnancies and am skeptical that is is just a transient issue. Just yesterday, I was subjected to a profane tirade (while she was holding our baby) which ended with my work computer being thrown on the ground and destroyed.

    I do not fit the profile you describe for people that stay in these relationships. The only reason I am staying is to help the kids. To be frank, I think her mother was abusive and her father an alcoholic although he was not violent. I want to break the cycle. My parents did not act this way.

    Can she be helped or am I best cutting my losses? What are the steps?

  • Anonymous-28

    Ray, cut your loses, the abuse will not change and when you get married it is harder to get out. Support the children but stop the relationship Good Luck.

  • Nichole

    i'm in a very....VERY abusive relationship. there is no hiding it anymore. there is no more making excuses for him, no more saying i got 'hit with a car door' or 'walked into a bike rack'. my entire body is covered in bruises, and it hurts to move, and breathe. i was beat senseless the other day, by a 26 year old man that i've been dating for some time. he tossed me around onto the tile floor, slammed me against walls, slapped me and punched me in the head so many times i passed out. then, when he had me on the ground, choking me, his mother came downstairs. (he is 26 and lives in an apartment in his parent's basement.)

    although he was caught red-handed beating the shoot out of me, he faced no consequences whatsoever. in fact....they tried to say that *I* am a bad influence on their son. (i will be the first person to admit that i have done something wrong in my life, and i truly did nothing to deserve this abuse. truly, honestly...if i wasn't being honest, i wouldn't be able to get help!)

    this is not the first time he has hit me and faced no consequences, either. this is simply the worst time, and hopefully the last time...

    my question is, what do i do when the parents of a 26 year old justify all of his abusive bejavior somehow? even when it makes no sense, and they know it makes no sense....they still attempt to pin blame on others, and justify and rationalize his abuse somehow. they keep handing him money, they pay for his apartment downstairs and his car/gas/insurance, he gets EVERYTHING handed to him on a silver platter and has not ONCE faced consequences for his actions.

    after he was caught choking me, his mother drove me to my brothers house. she told me that it would be best if i just kept this "between us", meaning not tell anyone so their precious rich name would not be tarnished. i went to my brother's, covered in bruises, shaking and crying....and she expects me to say that i got...mugged? then why was she dropping me off? are they insane also?

    this is such a dangerous situation for me and everyone involved, and i truly don't know what to do. i finally worked up the courage to call the police.....and they said there was nothing they could do. i can't press charges, and a restraining order wouldn't do anything. (many abusers, as i've read, find that restraining orders only angers the abuser and will make him come after you...)

    i sit here crying and typing this, just praying to god that there is some way that justice can be served. i'm afraid for my safety...but i'm more afraid of people like him being allowed to hurt whoever is unknowing enough to walk into his life...without facing any consequences.

    let me just add....during that day when he was beating me more than ever, he told me to sit on the couch and not move, dont say a word, or he'd 'destroy' me. his mom came downstairs....and handed him a plate with pastries on it. he beat me up, and he gets pastries.

    where is god?

    someone help me.

  • sarah

    i just wanted to say firsty i hope you are ok and secondly i know how you feel when there family just sit and watch and dont say a word that happened to me,he thew me around one night at his, i told the police the next day, and the next thing i knew he had called them saying that i assalted him,i was just trying to get him of me and sratched his eye,then he told me his mum was watching everything from the window and his brothers saw everything and his friends who were around that night too,so he said he never did anything wrong he made me sleep outside that night i wasnt allowed in the house i couldnt drive home as i had been drinking,i felt so sad lost and hurt that the person i thought cared did that to me,and still to this day says he did nothing wrong,as i suppose i was on his terrotrey he felt he had all that back up so he convinced himself it was called for,so i can totally understand were your coming from,his mum and family think i am crazy and i shouldnt be with him he tells me that,i am allowed no where near his house i am not welcome,i dont get it as i never did anything wrong that night and that was the begining of our nightmare abusive relationship which is now the hardset thing ever to get out of as things have become so much worse,i havent said everything on here incase he finds it somehow.but you can get the jist of it i hope,your not alone please dont think that,you can talk to me if you like.

    thinking of you and hoping your ok and have someone to talk to.

  • Kathi

    Dearest Nicole,

    I do not only wish for your strength, but I understand and pray for it. Your story is so heartbreaking, I do wish that you can know that there is really another person that cares. There seems to be so many that ignore, or justify, what happens in your life, there are so many that rush to judgement to tell you what to do. One seems so alone, at times... To be a participant in abuse, seems so alien from what we were born to do and eventually, you wonder why the heck you were born in the first place... and why you still exist in this problem...

    There is someone who understands and recognizes your pain, for what little it may be worth, but in your dialog, it may be the first step to recovery. I see whereof you have been, that is one of the problems of abuse everyone around you ignores or dissipates the problem.

    For what you believed to be 'family', is not and somehow you have to trust your own instincts to get out from under this attitude. The abuser usually has an abusive family that protects them, and that IS usually a big portion of the problem. It is probably not 'well documented', but it is a fact according to the 'worst' of us that have to endure it.

    You will find the strength to continue on, somewhere you will see that you really ARE a strong person, in spite of the words telling you that you are not, you will make it through and be a stronger, more sane person, for it. You have chosen to speak out, that alone should tell you how strong and capable you really are.

    With Love, Katfeed

  • Kathi

    Dear Nichole,

    I have been so worried about you... have you not been able to get back online? please know that there is truly someone who cares about you, and that there is someone who does care about you, and prays that you will be OK. Even if just through an email notice, or a prayer for your survival... Please post if you are able to...

    Love always, Katfeed

  • Anonymous-29

    i dont know what to do im 20 yrs old and im with my fiance now n nothing is getting better. i had new him ever since i was 4 yrs old. dating on n off from that point on its been three yrs just about now and our realtionship turned for the worst in the first year. he had beat me so my lip was busted open the skin under my tongue wasnt attached, sayin im just a big mistake and so much more i really dont feel comfortable saying. the only family i have available around me is my father n he keeps saying to me: ur not goin to leave him stop wasting my time and he hangs up. its difficult knowing u have family but dont know where to turn. But also everytime u go to turn it gets thrown in ur face o i done this for u or that for u,or else its if u leave where will u go u dont have any fanily around you and you already know its true, or even if u leave ill deal with ur family and it hurts to be able to picture any of this i was in a realtionship b4 we got back together and went through this but it was a lil less worst yea i ended up with broken bones and crap like that but it never came to the point where they tried to suffocate me with a bag or a pillow. my mom isnt in no type of postion to even help me she has parkinsons disease and shes goin through emotional abuse. my brother is the whole way in VA cause of foster care and neither side of my family really can help and it hurts cause when u need someone to turn to u dont know who.my heart says i love him but at the same time my brain tells me to leave. b4 my last realationship happened i had lost my other fiance he had passed away and i still blame myself to this day but i know i dont deserve this its just its hard when u have nowhere u can turn or n e one to trust.i admit i fight back im not jst goin to let someone just hit me or n e thing but its difficult to actually keep up with his strentgh when their hands are registered.its just so much confusion and u dont know where to go or turn to im lost completely.

  • Richard

    Hi everyone, I just wanted to let you know that I have made another step towards my healing. As I read my last post back in March, I still realize that there was that "Ego" thing happening. As much as I am focused on being the best single father around I was still angy at my ex-wife and using matrimony debt as an excuse. I am happy to share with you all that I have let go of some more ego.

    After spending a lot of money to have a separation agreement drawn up, my ex-wife refuses to sign as she does not want to pay her half of the debt and because of this I cannot file for a divorce. My lawyer informed me that she wants the separation agreement signed before I file for divorce.

    I cannot express to you how angry I was and after all this drama, I have decided to let go of the matrimony debt. All I want now is closure and the money means nothing to me now. Although I am still struggling financially, I am still managing to keep the mortgage going and food on the table and to be honest that's all the matters to me now. Keeping my children happy, healthy and safe, that's it!

    My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone and if there are some words of wisdom I have gained the last year and a quarter it is this, "Love yourself, be good to yourself!" Work on your true self, be kind to yourself, get help, get counseling and more important get out!

    Abuser have their own issues, stop enabling them, stop believing in their lies, stop being a victim and for me I have never been so mentally strong before, after 44 years of being alive on this planet, I truly feel like a man for the first time in my life. I am walking the talk!

    I love everyone who has shared and even though we may never meet in this lifetime, in my heart I want you to know I consider you all my friends and always remember this, friends don't treat friends bad, start being your best friend to yourself and you will attract other good people in your life and yes, they will become your friend.

    Richard

    "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Confucius

  • Anonymous-30

    I don't know who to talk to or what to do. I'm afraid of telling any of my friends or family members of my abuse because I have always been the "strong one" and now I'm so weak. What went wrong? I'm 25 and met my boyfriend 3.5 years ago through a friend. He was so nice, caring, loving and romantic. He was truely a knight and shining armor. He had flaws - divorced, in-between jobs, but I accepted him. It was about a year into the relationship when he started with the emotional abuse. Name calling, put downs, insalts, he made me feel guitly about all of my friends. I eventually withdrew from everyone and he consumed me whole. I was not allowed to hang out with my friends, if I even attempted to go anywhere with them he would start with the abuse and get physical sometimes. About 2 years in he started with the physical abuse. At first I didn't think it was physical abuse because it was "just" a push or shove. He choked me, hit me with other objects, kicked me, threw me against the wall, left bruises on my upper arms, left my whole body so sore for a few days, hit me with his open palm against the side of my face and head. I thought that it wasn't considered abuse since he didn't leave "marks" on me and didn't punch me. I'm still in denial, but I know this isn't a normal relationship. Is there anything better? I want to leave so bad, but I am truely afraid to be alone and honestly I don't want him to start another relationship with someone else (I know this sounds stupid, but its how I feel). He curses me almost every day "stupid dumb bit*ch" "fu*k you dumbass" ect. I feel apart of me crumbling everyday. He has taken the best parts of me and I'm afraid I will never be the same. There are days when he is so nice and calm and loving, it reminds me of the old boyfriend I had. Maybe it's the reason I stay. I'm young, smart, graduating nursing school next year, I've been told I'm very attractive, but have the lowest self-esteem.

    Please help me, anyone who is willing to listen.

  • Anonymous-31

    Reading your blog really felt like I was reading something out of my own life. I have been going through the same exact things that you have. He says the same things your boyfriend says to you, leaves bruises and chokes me as well, yet I refuse to admit it's abuse. I keep forgiving him even though I know it's wrong. I don't tell anyone because I feel they'd think in their heads how idiotic I am to stay with him. He gets to be so intimidating and frightening that I just agree with him just so I wont get hurt. He even blamed me, saying that it was my fault because I made him so angry. Even as I write this I feel guilty for talking about him behind his back.

    I know you want a response that will help, and although it's hypocritical of me to say, break up. I'm still searching for the courage to do it, maybe you can. We both know the only option is to leave them. Just know that at this very moment, you're not alone in what you're dealing with.

    P.S. We need to realize how many other great men there are that we're missing out on because we're staying with these losers.

  • lost me

    This is what im goin through for 4yrs Im so done! Im 4 month pregnant but I feel like I gotta get away from him now I cant take it no more as much as I love him I will leave him. I tried to work it out with him but it just wont and it will never! What really always kept me was that I wanna feel loved but to be honest he dont love me and if it is sure a different typ of love then mine.

  • MRS FREDERICK GREENE (RAQUEL BURTON GREENE)

    Hello Ladies,

    I sat here and read your stories, I feel the pain coming from the words you ladies write. My heart and prayers go out to each and every one of you. I am in a situation where I met Frederick Greene in Bessemer Alabama. We dated for 5 years and last year, we decided to get married. Throughout the relationship, I stayed with this man, I helped him with his bills and he never paid mine. I took care of him while he was sick and he will let me die in a gutter if he can do it. He cheated on me with crack head women from the Foundry Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation in Bessemer, with the crack head women that lives there. He slept with a crack whore named Yolanda Lanier that lived there while she "recover" from crack cocaine addiction. I purchased a bedroom set for him and while we were married, he put me and my kids out of the house and let yet another crack head by the name of Lisa Nadine Bowers sleep with him in our marital bed. His mother died a month ago, he never have any money and could not afford to go to bury his own mother, so I took time off from my job, drove him to Cleveland Ohio so he can be with his family to bury his mother. Since day one I had this man back. I gave him money for his mortgage, car note, light, gas, water, dog food and took money from my household to make sure he was taken cared of.

    I do no drugs, alcohol, I do not run the streets, I go to work, take care of my kids and go to church. I thought I would be a good wife for a man. I thought I was the perfect wife for him. But I see that I am not good enough and will never be good enough for him. He still treat me like dirt. He still disrespect me, calls me a whore and he out there sleeping with them. He calls me everything but the child of god and then turns around and want me to bail him out of another bad situation that he got himself into.

    I put up with this shit for 6 years and it is 6 years too long. I finally realized that he will never change and will never love me. The time I wasted with this man I could be in a healthier relationship with a real man that can show me love, tenderness, affection. A real man that can be a provider for me and my girls and not try to get what he can from us. But ladies this is where I am having a problem. He abuses me physically and emotionally, I am stressed out all the time, my skin will not stop breaking out, I am losing weight and hair and he tells me how ugly I am and that I look more like a "man". Today he told me I was not his "wife". I mean nothing to him. I realized he only married me because I am his walking ATM MACHINE and the crack whores on the street obvious can not take care of him.

    As I sit here typing this, my bags are packed and in my car. I found a house and will be paying my own mortgage, car note, taking care of myself and getting on with my life. My heart is broken. I realized that he will never change and he will continue to hurt me and break my spirit if I continue to stay. I am tired of living like this and my children are tired of seeing me like this. I pray to god everyday to take care of me. To give me strength to deal with this. God did not put us here to be mistreated. God loves me, I know my husband don't but God loves me. He showed me signs 6 years ago and I chose to turn a blind eye to everything that is going on. I know he is still seeing Lisa Bowers, she just got released from Montgomery Based Community Institution. She is a crack head and violated her probation. This woman even slept with male relatives in MY FAMILY and my family bought this info to my attention. And he still chose her over me. My heart aches every day, but the pain is getting better. With Gods help I can over come all this and move on and heal. I am going to live. I WILL LIVE. HE CAN NOT TAKE MY LIFE AWAY FROM ME. TODAY I WILL LEAVE MY ABUSIVE HUSBAND. LADIES, BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THIS, IT WILL GET BETTER. KEEP PRAYING, KEEP YOUR FAITH, DO NOT GIVE UP. THAT IS WHAT THESE MEN WANT YOU TO DO. THEY WANT YOU TO LAY DOWN AND DIE FOR THEM. I WASTED SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR A MAN THAT NEVER TOOK CARE OF HIS FIRST WIFE OF 15 YEARS AND NEVER TOOK THE TIIME TO RAISE HIS SON AND HIS DAUGHTER, MICHELLE AND FREDERICK JR.

    Ladies good luck and may god bless each and every one of you. I have a meeting with a attorney monday and I am going back to school to earn a degree. There was a man that wanted me, he have a good paying job, goes to church every sunday, work for alabama power company and make over 80,000 a year. I let him slip through my fingers because I was so head over heals in love with a dumb ass fool. George Poplar is a REAL MAN. He wanted to take care of me and my two children. He is a perfect role model for any child. He gave me money, helped me with my bills, was there for me when I was sick and when I needed someone to talk to or just a good comfort hug he was there. I LET A GOOD MAN GO. Now he moved on with someone else. He got tired of waiting for me, waiting to choose. He is gone. But one day God will send me another angel and he will send a real man to love you ladies too.

    I am putting the keys to his house on the nightstand and I am putting an end to this six year nightmare. It is hard, and I know it will be rough. but I need to heal. I want my life back, I want ME back, I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.

  • shar

    4yrs of good and bad times.... I can go on and on but I will leave it simple. Always handing out money or paying, never getting a thank you... he says its becuase i expect it he does not say it, or because i dont give him enough time to say it. Pushes me at times, choked me, fracture my finger...( he said it happened because i put my hands up ..to block him) throws things at me or toward me, puts me down... example... i will never find anyone with my depression, i dress old, im no fun, im a bad mom..my son doesnt even love me, i dont know how to love.... he has wripped my shirt... and bangged on me several times, threw a toaster oven toward my way...Those are just a few examples, NO IM NOT GETTING BEAT OR HE DOES NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO, BUT in my car if im hot he will turn on the heat because he is cold. Its my car! I know i sound COMPLETELY CRAZY... HE BLAMES HIS ANGER PROBLEM ON ME... I'M THE ONLY GIRL THAT HAS EVER MADE HIM ANGRY.... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING...WE LIVE TOGETHER AND HE WAS ESCORTED OUT BY THE POLICE DUE TO MY SISTER CALLING BECAUSE HE HAD GRABBED ME AND HURT ME... NOT alot he didnt beat me but physically hurt me... well i am done with him but he has no where eles to live had a hard life growing up and i let him back just till he gets on his feet. SOMEONE TELL ME WHY? I DONT LOVE HIM I AM ANGRY THAT I ALLOWED THIS NOW HE IS BACK ...IM NOT SCARED OF HIM..I AM EXHAUSTED JUST SO TIRED.. PLS HELP WITH WORDS OF ADVICE!

  • Anonymous-32

    I got married like a stupid teenager at 16 because I wanted to start a family and know I have a constant relationship not a highschool relationship... needless to say we were only seeing each other for about 4 months and got married... about 4 months into the marriage he slapped me and I told him he better not do it again but I was okay with it at that time because I thought I deserved it... I dont even remember why he did it... Now heres only a few thigs hes done to me in the past four years I am 20 now and have a 2 almost 3 year old son he has::: Kicked me and left many scars and bruises because of it, choked me to where i have had bruises on my neck, blacked my eye, busted my nose and lips, held my mouth with his hand so hard it would peel the inner skin on lips lips or make them bleed because I was screaming for help, hit my head very hard numerous times, hit my head against hard objects many times, pushed me so hard that once the wall in our trailer cracked, left many many bruises on my arms of handprints because of the force of his hands, pinched me if we were in public to where I would bleed, let my son watch and tells him its okay because mommy deserved it, if I threaten to leave he threatens me with a "bullet in between my eyes", on occasion I have said I'll call my Daddy (whom is a very strong man) and let him handle someone his own size ( he is 200 pounds more then me) and he said if I did he would be a dead man before he caould even step foot out of his truck... Thats only a few of the things I can think of off the top of my head and for four years now I have put up with it and I am now hopeing that we will both keep to our for now "consintual" divorce we will be getting or filing for in Feburary but theres still one more thing is says if we get a divorce were not getting one unless I give him Full custody I dont want to but I feel its the only way out... according to him hes not going to keep me from seeing my son or hold him against me in any way but my son isnt going to live with a crackhead if I decide to get remarried or a boyfriend so what should i do guys??I really hope he will stick with the divorce but he just dosent want to consider joint custody or anything and I really really dont want to keep his son away from him or get a TPO...A little help please??

  • eisha

    I have been in and out of an abusive relationship for over 10 years. My question is...is it my fault for yelling at him that I caused him to throw a beer at me that missed me but damaged our bedroom wall? I took his car keys and he took them from me by hitting and pulling my hair. Then punched my car window. I guess I'm wondering am I responsible for provoking him? Everytime I leave I always end up back with him because I never can make it through the grieving period. I am hurt-he's hurt then we get back together and the cycle re-starts. Please someone help me.

  • Anonymous-33

    How do I help my daughter who I know is in an abusive relationship. We live quite some distance from each other. She only been married two months and have gone through so much. I know all the signs of domestice violence. How do I help her?

  • Anonymous-34

    You just explained my situation verbatim. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. We were friends long before we started dating and he was a great friend and fun to be with. The relationship started out good, he was really sweet and we were still graduating from the friendship level into a relationship. He is going through a lot in his life (not that it's any excuse to treat me the way he does) but he has children, is going through a divorce, and is working minimum wage jobs. He barely makes enough to pay child support, let alone support himself. I supported him financially this whole year. However, as the year went on the relationship deteriorated. After only 4 months of being together he started screaming at me, calling me names, and raising his fist to me. He would scream so loud it was deafening. Even his own family asked me why I was with someone like him. I am in college and I just lost 60 pounds. The sad part is, I think I am the ugliest, fattest girl in the world. I am a size 12 now and everyone tells me I am very attractive but I cannot see it. He always tells me how fat, ugly, and unintelligent I am-- I believe it. I have no self-esteem at all. He choked me once, but it was short and did not cause me to lose my breath. I let that slide when I shouldn't have. Later, he heard me call one of my girlfriends "babe" on the phone, grabbed it, threw it, and punched me in my head accusing me of cheating on him. Then he took the wheel of my car and swerved it off the road into a ditch. I wasn't hurt, but he apologizes every time and I always reluctantly accepted it. Yesterday, he wanted to spend the night with me and I told him he couldn't because I was going to spend time with my family. He started screaming, calling me names as usual. He always said I was a wimp and that I always went crawling back to my family. I said one thing that I guess pushed his buttons, and he stomped his foot so hard on my coffee table that the glass on top shattered into a million pieces. He swung at me but I ducked. He started throwing things and broke a lot of my possessions i've worked hard for. I took him home. I was afraid for my life in the car ride. He told me if I didn't return all of his things to him within an hour that he would kill me and my family. I took all of his posessions from my home and my family's homes to his friends house so that I would not have to see him.

    I have not answered a phone call from since 7 last night. He continues to leave me voice mails and texts me telling me how sorry he is and how much he loves me. I feel like I am finally away from him but I have been miserable all day because I want to answer his calls. I still feel like I love him. Why do I "love" and care for someone who treats me like this? I feel guilty for ever thinking of allowing him back into my life because I am putting my family in danger. What should I do?

    I think we all need to reach deep within our hearts and recognize the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, caring women that we truly are. We all need to stand up and fight against domestic violence. I will survive this. I wish all of you women the best, and I hope that you all will gain the strength to leave these bastards behind.

  • Anonymous-35

    It is becoming clear that after 2 years in my current relationship that after reading all of the posts in here that I am in another abusive relationship. My abuser is tricky, he does not hit me or threaten to hurt me. He does act like he is joking around and tells me that he would like to choke me or knock me around. He always reminds me that he is bigger than me, He picks on me until he has me in tears then he tells me that I am crazy and he doesn't know how to deal with someone as crazy as me. He tells me that everything wrong in our relationship is all my fault. He is extremely bossy and he is always right, he can be extremely rude. He complains that his coworkers hate him. He says that when he sits down at the luch table everyone gets up and leaves. He says that he can not understand this because he is such a nice guy. Thank you to everyone who posted my eyes are open now.

  • Pain for Enlightenment

    I had two ephipanies in my life, both made me close to death (car accident and domestic violence). I am educated, can financially provide for myself and well integrated into mine and many other societies. I was my husband's biggest fan. When failed I loved and supported him. When he succeeded I did the same and more. Although each side has its own story, one must remember: SEE!!! We often don't clouded by emotion, other's opinions, personal needs for gradification, etc...Please SEE!!!. FYI, the abusive relationship you survive today, can prevent another for tomorrow. Also, you and the abuser can have bad charma together, but apart lead quite successful lives. Do not stay due to doubt or jealousy go for freedom and self discovery. I speak from experience. My husband (currently separated and in divorce proceedings) and I lived together for over one year and the first time he punched and choked me showing violence only six weeks after we said "I do." The argument was over rather to meet and drive together to view a condo versus meeting separately to view a condo. He punched and choked me (he boxes professionally and weighs 40-50 pounds more than me. I was also walking away from him when he threw the first punch and I never verbally or physically assaulted him). Listen to the professionals, family, etc. I had family warn me throughout his prince-charming phase and I missed it. Remember, the abuser didn't become independent overnight or by their mere presence on earth. I have a three year old and anyone can be independent.

  • Jon

    I have been in an abusive relationship for 7 years now and I am finally seeing it for what it really was, and I am finally having the courage to leave him. The abuse started out as what he called "joking" and when I complained about it I was told that I was too "onion skinned" and couldn't take a joke, and I believed him. I was blamed for everything that was wrong in the house and the relationship, again I beleived him. Through his abuse he pushed me to attempt suicide twice, and that didn't tell me anything. Even him making me feel like I wanted to die didn't tell me anything either. Of course he was sorry and apologetic afterwards. Then the little physical abuse started, first it was pinching my stomach and telling me that I was fat. Then it progressed to him flicking the end of my penis with his fingernail. I thought he doesn't know how much that hurts, but come to find out he sure did know. Then it progressed to forced oral sex. Still I did not leave. I figured that it was all my fault and that some how I deserved it. I understand now how it is hard to leave an abusive relationship, it goes in cycles and you think it is better, and will continue to get better and that he didn't mean to do that. It has taken me a year of being out of the house half of the week to realize what was going on. It has come down to him filing for "divorce" to end the domestic partnership and not talking to me, and me being OK with it to know that I am doing the right thing by leaving the relationship, and that I did not deserve what was being done to me all these years. Every other time he said that it was over I begged him to take me back, but not this time, I have finally had enough.

  • Anonymous-36

    My mom has been abused since a long period of time. My dad has a lot of anger problems and he doesnt kno how to handle them. He thinks that wat his doing is okay when it's really not. I as a daughter can't stand my dad hitting my mom the way he does. I feel really bad beacuse i start thinking why did it got to be my parents? why does all this happen to my life. I have my mom's family support in this case but i kinda feel acward whenever i tell other people because its kind bad to tell thm that my own dad hit my mom. Whenever i see my dad beating up my mom i just feel my heart pumping really fast, like if its gonna come out. I feel soooo bad that im so angry with my dad that he gives us his family that kind of life. i have one brother and one sister. There both small so im the oldest. I have seen more things in life that i shoudn't be seeing right now. I dont know what to do. Im really scared! I know that i should call the cops when all that caous happens but i just can't. WHY? Well beacuse its my own parents. I can't see myself putting my dad in jail. Even though he says im not his daughter and him telling me about the worst i can't send his jail. Its just not me. Its really hard for me to concentrate in school. Every argument that passes with my mom and dad i feel that its just getting worst. He hits us like if we were guys. I seriously think that every argument they get and my dad hits her i feel like if his hitting her harder and one of these days his going to leave her dead. By the way he hits her, I just can't stand my own dad hitting my mom. Yes i might stop the fights but i still cant believe what kind of da i have. And i hope that if you're a daughter like me and has these problems i suggest you talk to someone you can trust. Beacuse i can't stand on keepin all this to myself and not doing nothing to helpo my family to get better.

  • ALICIA

    I READ THIS ARTICALE AND I FEEL LIKE ITS TELLING MY STORY BECAUSE THATS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL I'VE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND FOR ABOUT 8 YEARS.I AM NOW 23 YRS OLD WITH THREE KIDS AGES (3MTHS,2 YRS. 6 YRS.OLD)AND ITS STILL GOING ON, THEY SAY THEY WILL NEVER DO IT AGIAN AND THEY DO TELL YOU EVER THING YOU WANA HEAR AND DO.BUT THEN THE TIME COMES AGAIN WHEN YOU MAKE THEN MAD AND THEY HIT YOU AND WHEN HE PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME I FEEL WHY IS HE DOING THIS IM ONLY A GIRL THOSE SAME HANDS THAT CAREST ME LAST NIGHT ARE NOW THE SAME ONES CAUSING THIS TREMONDOUS PAIN I DONT EVEN CRY ANYMORE I FEEL LIKE I'VE BECOME NUM TO THIS ABUSE I WOULD CALL THE COPS BUT HIS IS VERY SNEAKY HIS LOCKS THE DOORS AND TAKES THE PHONES AND DOESNT LET ME OUT OF THE ROOM AND THE WINDOWS HAVE BARS ON THEM I FEEL LIKE AN ANIMAL WHEN HE DOES THIS LIKE HUMILIADID AND SO AMBARASSED WITH MY DAUGHTER AND I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW HOPING A FAMILY WOULD COME TO MY RESCUE AND THING I HATE THE NOST IS WHEN I HAVE TO BE NICE AND PRETEND IM NOT ANGRY AND APOLIGIZE SO HE WOULD LET ME OUT AND THEN HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND ME ME AND SAYS HES SORRY AND I M LIKE ITS OK BUT WHEN REALLY INSIDE I WANA DO THE WORST THING TO HIM.I PRAY T GOD THAT ONE DAY I COULD GET THE STRENGHT TO LEAVE HIM BECAUSE I AM SO WEAK.I WANA APOLIGIZE TO MY DAUGHTER FOR BIENG SO WEAK

  • Melanie

    Hello everyone. I just want to share that I am a 33 year-old mother of two teens and I fully understand what domestic violence is all about having suffered from it at the hands of at 3 three ex. Being in an abusive relationship is very emotionally draining and can break your spirit if you let it. The worst part is the damage done to your self-worth and esteem but it can be reversed. Men who abuse their women have serious issues that can only be stopped by counseling and the willingness to accept what they have become and to change it. A lot of times that doesnt happen because they dont think that they have a problem. No matter how long YOU tolerate it, hope that it can change, and strive for it to be different...let me forewarn you that YOU cannot fix it. Just like an addiction, by staying we enable it which only continues to feed the cycle. No matter how much you seem to love him....you have to love yourself more and break the dependency. IT WILL NOT GET BETTER I PROMISE. It comes to finding the strength within yourself to take charge of your life and make things happen. You cant continue to suffer at the hands of a man who abuses you and then tops it off with a great big "I love you". There is nothing wrong with being single at all. Loneliness is a framed of mind....not a condition. Go out and meet new people, take up a new hobbie, venture in life with your children and most importantly, take time out for you. Learn about yourself, do things special for yourself, and just use the time to heal because you are going to need it. Seek out support groups and the most important advice that I can give is get yourself some counseling. You cant love someone until you love yourself. It takes strength, courage, blind faith, and a lot of desire but you can do it. I just ended a 20 year friendship and intimate relationship with a man who I absolutely adored until he broke my wrist and started to emotionally abuse me. I wont put up with it and I shouldnt have to. I have self esteem issues due to the abuse but I know that its just a symptom of the my disease....I feel confident, satisfied and proud of myself that I took charge and did the right thing. Sure I still love him and sometimes I miss him but its done and Ill never go back. There is too much life out there to be lived and I want my slice of happiness. I feel in my heart that the only thing that can really help him is himself and until he accepts that he is an abuser...staying will only keep me in the victim's seat and I chose to be a survivor. Please, pack your things and get out before you sustain anymore damage. If you need any advice or help then please feel free to email me and I will support you. My email is darlinggirl2@hotmail.com and my name is Melanie. Good luck to all of you and please know that you are not alone.

  • Anonymous-37

    I can identify with the article and the comments posted...I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. 10 years too long...10 years that I will never get back...10 years that I could have been with someone that actually loved and respected me. All I can say now is THANK YOU, DEAR LORD, I'M OUT OF IT...

    It started as probably most relationships start...everything was all great, and then slowly things started to change. From verbal and emotional abuse to physical abuse. God kept trying to show me that this was not what He wanted for my life, but I chose to ignore it. I'm not going to go into all the details because I withstood alot of stuff that I shouldn't have...examples: cheating, knives being thrown at me, his drug abuse, being hit while taking a shower with a shower rod, soda being thrown on me, being drugged so he could take advantage of me, and probably more that I'm still trying to piece together from images that I had blocked out...pure craziness!!!

    What I want to share with everyone is that you can get out, even though you may have pushed away your loved ones they are there to help you. Pray because God will help you through anything, but you must make the first step to help yourself which means loving yourself enough to get away. Don't settle for what is...change your circumstances and take charge of the life that you gave someone else control of. Your life will only get better if YOU want it to. I had to get that into my head. People can tell you all they want that this is a bad relationship, you deserve better, so on and so on, but unless you actually see it that way you will not change anything. MAKE THE CHANGE, everyone deserves true love and respect. After going through hell in that relationship and hell getting out and getting divorced my life has been full of blessings...from finding a cheaper apartment and daycare to going back to school to better my life for myself and the kids to getting back in touch with my true love, a man that is truly a man, that is respectful, loving, supportive, and my best friend. There are still good people out there, don't waste you life with someone that will just bring you down... I hope that those of you that are trying to get out will find the courage in yourself with God's help to do it. I hope that you will see that life is worth way more than what you are going through now... YOU WILL BE OK, believe me, once I got away from him all the positive influences in the form of my true friends and blessings came into my life. YOU DO DESERVE HAPPINESS, don't let anyone take that from you...

    I wasted 10 years of my life, 10 years I will never get back being unhappy, but the rest of my life will be full of love and happiness because I have discovered that I am worth way more than being in that horrible life, I am worth way more that taking what he gave me, and I deserve true love, respect, and happiness...AND SO DO YOU!!! YOU DESERVE THE LIFE YOU WANT...

    May God watch over you and keep you strong...

  • kalida

    I was in a relationship for 5 years with a doctor who I trusted and believed that it was not possible for a professional educated person to degrade and humiliate women.

    He used me for providing for his finances and all his needs and at the same time mentally abused me, but he always found manipulating ways to turn the story around so I can feel guilty. Over the years I lost all my self confidence and was so used to the hurt and abuse that I thought maybe it was me. Afterwards I learnt that he has used and abused many other women in the past, he lured women in with his charms and good looks. Obviously victims believed he could not possibly be a bad person, the abuse starts at the later stage in the relationship when he finishes using them for his advanced financially and sexually and when he is bored he goes on to the next. I still cannot believe he is working in the NHS as psychiatrist, a doctor! He is very manipulative! Be careful ladies!

    From this relationship I have learnt there are two races of men to exist: decent and unprincipled ones. These were to be found in all classes, ethnicities, and groups. This doctor is of the unprincipled group! I am very happy now and have grown to become very successful in my life, learnt so much and still there is more to learn. Never again will I judge people who are non-educated to have less moral principle!

  • Suzy

    Thank you to everybody who left a comment, I drew a lot of strength from the comments left. However I have been through so much counselling, specialist women's support groups,doctor's etc and I ams till with him and we have two young children together. We were almost divorced once and I a still got back with him because I felt so isolated.

    What is it going to take to stop? I wish I knew what the breaking point will be before me or my kids suffer any more.

  • TLF

    I met a man two years ago. Since that time, I have beaten tried to kill myself, evicted from my apartment, he damaged my car, I lost all my friends and family, my 17 year old son hates me. He has beaten me so bad that I went to the hospital. I put an emergency PFA out on him but never went any further with it. Because I felt guilty and didn't want him to leave. But the police did. He spent a week in prison. And is now on two years probation. He blames me for this of course. But I still am with him giving him money buying things he needs and going out paying for drinks and even paying for hotels so we could be together.He has cheated on me and I even spoke to one of the girls he was with to let her know what he has done to me. My thought is i went threw this all for nothing if I let him go. How do I start over? I know in my head what I need to do. But some how he always draws me back. And I go back. How do I get my life back. Please can someone point me in the dirction i need to go. I'm so in debt going to get profesional help i'm not able to afford.

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: There is a popular phrase that may help you to think about which I'll repeat here: "Don't throw good money after bad". The meaning of this phrase is that it is not a good idea to continue to invest in or fix up something you've put your resources into (like a car) after it is clear that that thing has been "totaled"(e.g., it is clear that it will cost more to fix the thing than the thing is worth). If your car is worth $1000 and you get in an accident which the body shop tells you will cost $3000 to repair, most people will simply get rid of the car without spending the money to fix it. Relationships are not cars, but there is an analogy to be made here. It certainly seems like the relationship you are in is broken and not healthy or nourishing for you. It certainly seems like you've put a lot of your resources into trying to make it work, and it is still as broken as ever. If you cannot hope to fix the relationship, then your best option may be to abandon it, just like people will not try to fix a totaled car.

    In light of "don't throw good money after bad" we can rephrase the thought "I went through this all for nothing if I leave" to be something more like "I went through all this and I have nothing good now, so I might as well leave - my going through more of this will not result in my getting a better relationship with this man, so I might as well leave to see what else is possible".

  • IMMACULATE

    To SHAR,

    My advice to you is just GET THAT SORE LOSER A**HOLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND FAST ! You shouldn't care about that he had a hard time growing up or any of HIS problems (non of that is any of your fault and doesn't give him a right to take out his RAGE on you or ANYONE else ! ) , this man is ABUSING YOU and USING YOU in every way possible ( and he fully knows that, he is fully aware of what he is doing to you ! ) And I am of the opinion that a FEMALE should NEVER give any kind of FINANCIAL AID or FINANCIAL SUPPORT to a MALE ! I would only do that if the man was my dearly beloved husband (who doesn't abuse me and WE REALLY love each other) and something UNFORTUNATE happened to him,like UNEMPLOYEMENT(but he always worked whenever he could his whole life) or ILLNESS or AN ACCIDENT or he became DISABLED because of something, but he always was a man who WORKED FOR HIS LIVING before the UNFORTUNATE event took place ! In my book MEN are meant to GO TO WORK (and make their own money) more then WOMEN, MEN are made for WORK ! I would only give my money to a male in the above described situations and NEVER for any other reasons, I would tell all those BUMS/SCRUBS/LOSERS and USERS and ABUSERS that are out there EVERYWHERE you go,look,and turn these days to "GO TO HELL" and "YOUR NOT GETTING ANY OF MY MONEY", "GO MAKE YOUR OWN MONEY THE WAY A REAL MAN ESPECIALLY IS SUPPOSED TO DO" !!! ( that is me, I'm traditional minded and old school like that ! ) If a woman has to work, it should only be for HERSELF (and her children, if she is single and has children ) and NEVER to FINANCIALLY SUPPORT A GROWN MALE ! Men that live off women and allow women to financially support them and take women's money are TOTALLY RIDICULOUS + GOOD FOR NOTHINGS and they are NOT REAL MEN !(in my book,according to my standards/values )

    It seems like all the GROWN MALES these days are nothing but ABUSERS/LOSERS/USERS/BUMS/SCRUBS/IMMATURE/CHILDISH. ( I refer to them as MALES because they are not necessarily REAL MEN even though they physically look like men,so many of them are really TOTALLY IMMATURE+CHILDISH, as if they are really still LITTLE CHILDREN/LITTLE BOYS trapped in the physical body of a adult man ! I notice this about so many (almost ALL of them !) of what we call "MEN"! ) But all those LITTLE BOYS out there will want SEX + ASAP from you if you got into a relationship with them, this is exactly why they are always after women in the first place! They are also TOTALLY SELFISH BASTARDS who are only thinking about themselves and just want to get ALL their own PERSONAL NEEDS met(by a FEMALE ) without ever meeting any of yours ! ALL in ALL I think GUYS really SUCK and they get on my last nerves and I never like ANY of them in return !

    But I want everyone who reads this to know that I AM NOT A LESBIAN ( I am fully HETEROSEXUAL ) and I have NEVER been sexually abused by anyone, I just don't really like guys too much,I see them and think about them as I have written above and I also don't want to have sex with any of them !

    What happened to the kid in the movie "BIG" must have happened to all the "ADULT"MALES that are out there everywhere these days !!!

    I would rather STAY ALL ALONE+CELIBATE( I am a celibate for real, I DO NOT have sex ) FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE then be STUCK+TRAPPED in a horrible relationship with a "man" and even possibly get myself KNOCKED UP by the SORE LOSER ! I am actually more frightened of getting involved with the guys then of being without one ! I am absolutely FINE as my single self. I HATE it when guys come around and want to put pressure on you into getting into a relationship with them. I don't trust the guys at all ! And everything I'm reading here on these abuse website pages just REINFORCES my thinking and feelings about guys/ "men" and makes me VERY ANGRY reading about all of this horrible abuse/violence going on in relationships ! WHO THE HELL WANTS TO LIVE LIKE THAT and PUT UP WITH ALL OF THAT PSYCHO+DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/TERROR +UNREST+UNPEACE SH** ! I sure wouldn't ! I was abused by both of my parents my whole entire life already,I know for sure I don't want to go on in my life to live with even more (possibly even WORSE) abuse !

    Alot of what I'm reading here(the postings) from what other women are going through and putting up with from the guys, is truely HORRIFYING to me ! Why do you women want DESTRUCTIVE/TERRIFYING/TOXIC/CRUEL/UNLOVING/UNGIVING/VIOLENT SORE LOSER guys in your lives ?!!! I know for sure I wouldn't want a guy like that nowhere near me ! It seems like alot of guys have somekind of PSYCHO SWITCH in them that gets turned on by certain events like AFTER YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH THEM ( in one of the posts I read it seems to me like getting involved with him sexually ended up turning him SUDDENLY PSYCHO! because when they were just friends she wrote they were doing great with each other ,they were good friends, maybe it should have just stayed at that ! ), AFTER YOU MARRY HIM ( I guess those guys shouldn't be messing with women in the first place then,if getting married ends up making you feel hopelessly trapped and miserable and turns you SUDDENLY PSYCHO ! Then keep your FILTHY HANDS + DICKS to your self in the first damn place and go live your life as a CELIBATE and leave women the hell alone if you don't like marriage+commitment !) and also AFTER HE KNOCKS YOU UP AND A BABY IS ON THE WAY( that can turn many of them SUDDENLY PSYCHO for various reasons !) And propably all kinds of other events and stuff that is part of normal life and happens in life !

    Looks like you just can never know really what will turn a guy SUDDENLY PSYCHO+ABUSIVE and when and which guy, it's all unforeseeable and totally unpredictable with any guy, they are totally unpredictable and therefore also very unreliable and I guess therefore also very untrustworthy ! Which is why I also don't see to much of a point anymore in getting involved with any of them in any way ! What do you need a boyfriend or a husband for if the relationships are going to be like that and filled with abuse+violence+selfishness, all of that is the opposite of love anyway and most guys don't love anyway, and love is shown in the actions towards others and not by just empty words like " I LOVE YOU" but then they treat you like SH** and make you feel that way too ! SAYING to someone else the WORDS " I LOVE YOU" doesn't mean anything and can even be an OUTRIGHT DAMN LIE in some situations and circumstances, those words have been very much abused+misused+worn out by now by most people.

    To hear from someone the words " I LOVE YOU" does absolutely NOTHING to me,it does not penetrate me or sink in at all ,the words just bounce right off of me like arrows hitting a shield, and I never believe it either.

    Once a man I didn't even know personally had the nerve to kiss me on the forehead and said to me "I LOVE YOU", I RAN AWAY from him ...................

    It seems like all the MALES these days are TOTAL SORE LOSERS/

  • Anonymous-38

    I find it disturbing that you put forth "advice" to shar. I guess you've had unfortunate experiences with "males," but to suggest that all males act like this is absurd. Prior to getting married, I dated quite a few women who were off their hinges. The difference is that I didn't stereotype all women as being off their hinges. You make an irresponsible blanket statement about all men. Do you know all men?

  • Anonymous-39

    What ever happen to what the bible say's that a man should work by the sweat of his brow,I know and feel there are only a few very few rare real mens lefted in this world the ones that don't believe in abusing a woman or the relationship or been the abusiver towards the one they love dearly as God loves us and respect the rightful things and not the wrongful things.When a coward poor low sinking no good of a man abuses his love of his life his future(the kids in ways that does effect them if not physcial)he sets the standard for why was you ever born or even thought or imagine of why.Now and days all you here in songs mens speech their language their voices his disrespecting womens calling them every name in the alphabet it's a shame an outrage a disgrace and not right that also is verbal abuse that should not be teach spread or carry out in any way or even read.Men who are right now til this day abusing womens and doing all things that are bad and just cruel need to be treated the same way so they too can really know what real real pain,hurt,cruelity,and longtime sufferening is and what it feels like but that would be to good for them the best thing to do is leave wilderness alone for good.Me myself been in a 4andhalf year abused marriage and being divorce for so long I just couldn't graps or understand why would you do that to the person you cherish the most in your life.And even now I am experiencing the same expoides right now in my life enough is enough it's time to leave all behind and live life for my kids and me a more safer healthier more positived life and lifestyle so when my two boys grow up they will and would know what it means to really love someone and family and not scar them for a lifetime of hurt and pain.Love so many people use this name,word,and meaning in pure vein and hate!

  • IMMACULATE

    Trust me if there really were any REAL GOOD GUYS (REAL MEN) WITH GOOD CHARACTERS,GOOD NATURE and GOOD MORALS/ETHICS out there, maybe then I wouldn't be SINGLE !

    ( not that there really is anything wrong with being single,it's not going to kill you,it's less stressfull,you have more time to devote to yourself,to hobbies,to spiritual pursuits,etc. )

  • I need some advice

    I have been married 10 years. I am a stop mom of 2 boys and I have 2 of my own that are 9 and 8. My husband and I started off great...the typical story. But over the years some things have stuck out to me. When the dog bumped one of the young kids, the dog was thrown across the room (A puppy). When one of the kids upset him, the kid was thrown across the room, or down the stairs. (young teen). HE has never been violent with me, the there has been a ton of sexual pressure, and when I don't perform, I am told that I am frigid, or victimizing him because I am not attending to his needs, and that all men are the same as he is. I have not been working for about 2 years. I am told, when we argue, that I need to get an F-ing job and F-ing life because all I have done is leach off of him, used him. These things have not happened a lot, but enough for me to be upset by them. Most recently he sat me down and stated he would be happy if I provided him with sex and emtional support as he needed it, then everything in our relationship would be fine. I was so astounded I just sat and nodded my head. I am very confused, the bad stuff is bad, but I think he has me so convinced that I am the cause that I am afraid to act. He has said that if we decide to get divorced, that he won't make it "hard" for me unless I do something stupid, like get re-married. He is so like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...anyone on the outside would never believe all of this....What do I do??? I am afraid, and don't want my kids to go through divorce and become a statistic...There is so much more, but it would take weeks to write it all down...first impressions are great, please help me!

  • hurting

    You appear to be in some pain and you have many questions you need to ask. I want to let you know that you are not alone. I would suggest a book by Mason called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" It opened up a whole new world to me. I then went to Evans "Verbally Abusive Relationships". They were both helpful in helping me decide what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship. It is loaded with information and has lots of suggestions for solutions. I can strongly relate to what you are experiencing as it happened to me too. I was and continue to be a strong male, but the verbal abuse can take its toll and make you feel worthless for a while. Read the books and make decisions for you and your children. It is better to make decisions earlier than later and please believe me on this. Good luck and please know that you are not alone.

  • Anonymous-40

    Hello folks, I’ve read through many of the posts here and it sure rings true with me. The women I’ve been involved with for 17 months is making me lose my sanity. Now ordinarily I wouldn’t be pointing the finger at anyone for my “lot” but am doing so now because I’m beginning to feel a little crazy. I’m hoping to hear the advice and experiences of a few people here so as to help me understand and support my decision to exit. She’s a big drinker who doesn’t see booze as a problem. I’m at the point where I don’t even “go there” anymore because she gets so angry if I mention she drinks too much. I enjoy my beer, but after a few I stop. I don’t like feeling like not being under control and keep the consumption in perspective. When she gets rolling watch out! I’m afraid of her. We can’t simply go out have a drink or two and then eat, she will continue to order wine and then start on the hard stuff. When I first met her she was friendly and always fun. Now, I find myself worried she will embarrass me. We don’t live together. When things don’t go her way (it could be anything) she gets on the telephone and I have to listen to endless crazy details of some drama which in nearly every case has nothing to do with me. More often then not she’s drinking excessively. Here’s where the abuse starts. It starts if I don’t want to listen to endless circular stories that go on for hours. If I try to cut it short I eventually get subjected to double digit nastiness about my “failures.” To which I say something in the order of, “I’m sorry you feel as strongly as you do.” I’m not sure what or where the trigger events are, but within the last 5 months I’ve been getting slammed with a cycle of verbal assaults. In every case these are after the fact apologized for or rationalized. Each time she gets my sensitive side and somehow convinces me everything is going to be okay. She is a very lovely and caring person who’s very pretty and smart which just doesn’t fit with the ugly side I’m describing here. To look at her you’d be hard pressed to believe what I’m writing. I’ve asked her directly, “How could you love me and say such things to me?” I have many outrageous drunken nasty messages from her on my telephone for which I did nothing to deserve. There have been times when we’ve gone away together and it’s been wonderful and enjoyable for the first few days until and if she gets drunk. Then I feared for my safety because of her unpredictable behavior which latterly seems to turned on me. During these times when she starts to drink the hard stuff I try to change the “scene” (suggest we go back to the room, go to a movie, take a walk, etc.). Even if she agrees she eventually gets so drunk (ordering room service or buying booze) I would become some kinda monster in her eyes and get the wrath from hell, loud offensive and embarrassing language. One time in I spent hours with her in a hotel room being battering with insults and crazy untrue statements clearly intended to make me feel bad. Every time she stopped and I thought she had passed out I feared if I moved she would wake-up and start again (which she did). I was afraid to leave the room for fear of being locked out or having her anger spiral so far out of control that she would do some thing even more stupid. For the most part I’ve never engaged her and only kept my mouth shut because when she was in these fits she was unpredictable as best I can figure I’ve never contributed to the craziness other then calmly trying to settle her down (which never seemed to work and only made her crazier). One time I faked I was crying and admitted I was all the things she was saying. This amazingly stopped her and she took pity on me and she what’d to have sex (which I avoided through excuses)! So that’s the short story and as I write this I see how dangerous this has become. I’ve made the decision to leave and haven’t seen her in a week. We’ve spoken and emailed. In the beginning mostly she (true-to-form) was telling me how bad I am and how she wants her life back. Now she’s being very sweet and apologetic. I don’t want to set her off and want to make a kind and graceful exit. But frankly am unsure how this is going to go . . . any words of wisdom much appreciated.

  • Anonymous-41

    I am in an abusive relationship. Am not married to my abuser, however have lived together for 5 yrs now. The verbal abuse is daily. The physical abuse of shoving, pulling hair, using his strength, etc.. happens at least once a month. Although the physical abuse never leaves marks, it occurs often and in view of children. My children (do not have any children together) are witness to the monthly physical and prevy to the daily verbal abuse they children seem to ignore the situation and tend to go to their room when the abuse occurs. The children are 11 and 9. I am 32. The abuser is 28. As fed up as I am with the situation and although I know there are determental affects for my children I stay because I believe things will get better someday however after 5 yrs that day has yet to come. The financial support the abuser provides is helpful however I am financially independent enough that I can walk away from the relationship. I stay because I am afraid to see him with another because failing at this relationship is a way of admitting defeat to his past lovers. Sound even more ridiculous as I type it. Help me get the strength to walk away from the nightmare inside my home.....

  • punk'd

    this is all stupid u should all get out of the relationship ,and they should go to jail!

  • sam baines

    i am reivieng help for posttraumatic stress disorder and i just have to say as a aldult who was abused as a child and still gets abused by my parents the mental health team who help me in plymouth r wonderfull i am so lucky to have them help me dnt live with the pain get help abuse can make u rot and mess your life up it screws up your noormal rational thinking i went to the drs and got help best i have ever done worst my brothers did not some went on to abuse there own chrildrem rotting in there abuse they suffered i still dnt know if i should go to the police and tell what happened to me and my brothers i just dnt want this cycle to go on my parents were abused in the same way and then abused us then it goes on i was different i got help always knew what they doen to us was wrong how could it not of been i would tell myself it was pain and hurt if that was life then i would rather b dead i remeber thi nking that as a child do i go to the police stop this chain it is of physical sexaul and emotional abuse my parents were saddistic cruel evil people i belive they may of been ill but others went on to do the same how sick is that im proud to b different though im made to feel mad and odd because i go against them and there sick games with peoples minds i am normal not them but do i tell the police about the saddistic stuff that went on in r house when we were kids do i have my parents sent to jail what makes a person saddistic so sick

  • Anonymous-42

    I am the abuser in this relationship. I grew up in an abusive environment. My father was the abuser. He was physically, emotionally abusive,sexually abusive, but mainly emtionally and verbally abusive towards all of us. He was especially verbally abusive towards my mother. I loved my mother dearly and felt hatred and resentment towards my father. I swore I would never be like him. I also felt resentment towards my mother because she stayed with him. Growing up I had resentment towards men. I avoided getting in emotional relationships with men. Until I met David. I promised I would not get involved past friendship but ended up falling for him. I not only wanted to get my emotional problems resolved prior to getting involved but i wanted to get my career goals met. Well pretty soon we had two wonderful children a year apart from each other. Things got worse with the first one. I tried my hardest to be a loving mother and did ok for the most part but I became a monster as a wife. Before I knew it I became pregnant with another child. I suffered with depression all my life but this time it was worse. I have tried my hardest not to be the parent that my father was to us. I have done ok. However, I have become the emotionally, verbally abusive freak my father was towards my spouse. I went to counseling where it focused mainly on getting rid of my depression and anxiety through use of non medicational methods. However, the feelings of depression/anxiety and loss of control were still there. Now we have two and three year old boys and are finacially depedent on each other to keep our household afloat. My impulse is to leave. I believe David does not deserve what I dish out. I don't feel I can be the wife he deserves. Partly, because we did not want the same things in life and we were to young and immature to appreciate that. I wanted a career David wanted a family. I needed to work my issues before I got involved. Now I deal with work, grad school, and to small children and husband. I do not know what to do. Should I separate from David. I know that would be the best for us emotionally. But financially, in order to support our children it is not. We are in a toxic relationship. And I don't know what to do. I have gone through telling my self i will not verbally abuse him again but end up doing it. David and my children need to see what a healthy relationship looks like. I avoid doing it infront of my kids, but I know the feel the tension. Everything in me says to leave I just don't know how.

  • Emily

    I am in an abusive relationship on both ends. My significant other pushes and provokes (often restrains me from walking away from him) until I can't take it anymore and I end up forcefully doing things to get him away from me. When the fights come down to this he becomes even more forceful and tries hurting me and threatening me to scare me. It seems to be happening more often. We have talked about it and he agreed he does things to push me and I know I shouldn't push or pinch him in my defense to get him to stop sitting on me and holding me so we can talk, but we need to find a better way. I do not want to talk about this with anyone close to us because they don't see this side of us and it makes it difficult that we do this to each other. I'm lost and don't know what to do. Help.

  • Anonymous-43

    To the comment below. This is a tough one. Have you asked him to go to couples conseling? My relationship started perfectly until we got married. He changed and became verbally abusive, jealous and eventually we fought everyday. I couldn't go to work because he thought I was cheating on him at work. I couldn't go to school because he would show up at my school to check on me or fight with me the entire night before my tests. He belittles me and doesn't show any respect towards me or my family. I honestly think he has a borderline personallity disorder or paraniod disorder or something. I begged him to get help and of course he said no and blammed his actions on me. I left him a few times with no success. I kept going back to him thinking he would change or that I can do things differently and he would not act the way he does towards me anymore. It never worked. There was a vicious cycle of abuse, honeymoon phase and back to abuse. I'm still having a difficult time getting over it especially today, since its Valentine's Day. I'm hanging on to the person I fell in love with and not openning my eyes to see the person he bacame now. To all that had to go through this, I feel for you and please get yourselves out of this because you are worth more than that. You deserve someone who will appreciate you and love you without all that abuse and stress. Trust me you will get over this one, just like you did with your past relationships. Take the time to work on yourself and respect yourself enough to know what your partner is doing is WRONG!

  • Richard

    Thank you for sharing your journey with us! Reading your post gave me a little more insight regarding what my ex-wife was going through. She was the abuser in our relationship and although she struggled what to do, it was I who made the choice to stop the abuse.

    I can feel your stress in deciding what to do, my ex-wife kept going out every night, leaving me and my girls and when I sense that she cheated on me, this is when I confronted her. She turned everything around on me and blamed me for everything. She told me that I was the controlling one and it was all my fault.

    Well thank God for the love and support from my friends and counselors, etc, I have healed. I am now in a new beautiful relationship and now my girls are witness to see what a truly loving relationship looks like.

    Those who are reading this who are in an abusive relationship, believe that you can see a light at the end of the tunnel. As they say, "Short turn pain, long term gain." I am no longer co-dependant, I am no longer the man you could walk all over, I now have boundaries, I now truly love myself, I am real, I am AWAKE for the first time in my life. I could never go back and be the person I was during my marriage, however I do appreciate the lessons I have learned so that I can move forward in my new relationship and I hope that my modeling of what a healthy relationship looks like will influence my girls so when they are older, they can make choices in their lives that will lead them to a happy and healthy relationships with their spouses and children. No one deserves to treated bad and no one should treat others badly.

    Richard "I am awake"

  • che

    can he change? i just moved states away to be with him , its been 2months and already had 3 physical fights. i fight back and keep hitting until he stops. we both need anger classes but him more,is it 2 late 2 change ? i find myself turning into a monster like him when i get mad im afraid next fight might be really nasty what can i do

  • Laura

    My parents were abusive to me. I grew up extremely angry and with no self esteem as a result. I later ended up in an abusive relationship for 3 years. He was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive and manipulative and on occasions physically, once sexually. I'm free now. Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did. He was very ill at the time and kept talking about killing himself when I left. It got to the point where it was either him or me, I chose to save myself. I felt like I was leaving him to die. It's no picnic. If you know you 'have' to leave, don't fool yourself into thinking that 'someday' will be easier. The longer you stay the harder it is. Prepare yourself to go through hell for a while and do it. You have no idea the peace and huge huge relief that you will feel once you're through with it. I am trying to come to terms with my past. I believe it is the root of my own anger problems. I'm in a new relationship now and I can become very angry (over the top), and verbally abusive myself. I severely hate myself for it but I don't know how to stop. I've talked to my partner about it quite a lot and am seeing a therapist to hopefully overcome the issues in time. Don't subject yourself to abuse, it can affect you in so many negative ways.

  • Anonymous-44

    I have a lot of feelings of doubt, in my 6 month off and on relationship with my boyfriend, and they scare me. I tried to tell him what he was doing, being emotionally manipulative, but he just looked shocked like I had hit him. "What? Me? I am no abuser! If anything it is YOU who is controlling, because you decided to end the relationship, then stop talking to me, now we are talking again. I had no say in it."

    He told me I was lying, and when I got up enough guts to tell someone, he kept telling me what a horrible liar I am and how much all of his friends want to hurt me, or kill me.

    This confused me, I would try to give an example but I could never pin anything down. Three days ago he was acting very sweet, telling me how much he loved me and missed me, he was sorry, asking me to date him again. He said: "I have never been through this much for a girl, it says one thing about me, I love you." And then when I said that I was glad he was sorry, he blew up on me again. He started swearing and said, "I have no reason to be sorry! I was waiting for you to see that. Look at all of the stuff you have done, and learn from it. YOU need help, you need to go see someone, you can't fix yourself alone."

    Then, I started to believe him.

    I had thoughts like, oh my, everything really was all my fault wasn't it? I really am lying, or exaturating the situation. Nothing I say makes sense anymore, am I going crazy? I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him.

    And then, my friend came to talk to me. I had never talked to her about the situation before but she looked me in the eye and she said, he is not good for you he is emotionally abusing you, I can see it first hand.

    So what do I do? I am going to call him on Thursday and he is going to tell me all the reasons why it as my fault not his, I want to make him see what he is doing, I really believe that he doesn't know. I want him to get help, and I never want him to do it to another girl again. But I am so scared to talk to him, and part of me still wants to deny everything.

    There was one point where he threatened suicide if I ever left, this prevented me from leaving for a few months, then with the support of my family and friends I got up the courage to leave. When I was trying to leave he yelled, screamed, swore, blamed, cried, he tried Every thing that he could possibly think of to keep me there. I got up and started heading towards the door, trying to stay calm. He blocked the door, I told him to move. He balled up his fists then threw the door up and said, GET THE F OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! And slammed the door.

    I stayed away for almost two months, but I couldn't take it. I was worried he was going to kill himself, I let his words get to me. I started talking to him again, he yelled at me. Then he got really sweet. He explained that I was overreacting and that when he said that he was going to commit suicide he just meant that he felt a lot of pain but he would never commit suicide over losing me. He continued to tell me how amazing I am, and how luck he was to have me.

    Then he pressured me into almost having sex with him, while saying that, that was not what he intended at all. I was able to walk away, but he constant talked about things relating to it that made me unconfortable. I never had the courage to stand up to him because he would get so angry.

    I got scared, and he got angry.

    i can see the same pattern, every time, but I really believe that he does not know he is doing it. I keep trying to tell him, if I ever build up enough courage, but he responds with anger. I don't want to leave him all alone. I want to help him, support him. But he is starting to make me believe that i really am crazy, and that I need to talk to someone. But when I think about it, it doesnt feel right. I have always been happy, no matter what, able to make the best out of every situation. It has NEVER been hard for me to walk away or let go of a guy. I have always had great self confidence, but now I feel like that has been shattered. I feel like I dont have a say, I cant speak up, I am scared to. I have been depressed, and I felt very alone. My friends tell me things like, just walk away, its not that hard. Or, if I were you I would have been like there is no way you are telling me what to do.

    They dont understand, that it is harder then that. I need help but I dont know what and I dont know where to start. I need to make the choice, should I stay or should I go?

  • Richard

    Thanks for sharing and before I begin I just wanted to say, that the thoughts and feelings I am about to share with are mine and mine alone. Please take it with a grain a salt, ultimately the decision in what you do is up to you.

    First of all by reaching out to this site is a very good step in asking for help, however you now must take action to begin your journey of healing yourself. You must first discover why you are in this type of relationship? What is your payoff? How does it serve you? No one deserves to be abused, you have the will to shift your own behavior, not your boyfriend.

    Receiving counseling and was one of the best things that I ever allowed myself to receive. I was brought up with worthiness issues, which lead to low self-esteem, I was always attracted to people that treated me poorly. I recall once I met a beautiful woman and I left her because she was too nice, it was wasn't that when I look back, I felt undeserving.

    It has taken me such a long time to get to where I am today after my wife left me and my children and although I am doing great, I still do not give myself credit for not falling into a billion pieces. I still slip up, at times fighting my ego, wanting to verbally get back at my ex-wife for screwing up my life, then again she did nothing wrong, her choices were based on her own experiences and I was the perfect person for her to control and once I woke up to the reality of being in an abusive relationship, I started to have boundaries and wanted peace and mutually respect in our marriage and that's when she turned everything around and blame me for everything, calling me controlling and an abuser, etc. Her actions are perfectly logical in her world and mine in my world. My daughter made me realize this, we are all perfect in our own worlds. I am so proud of her that realizes that her parents live in different worlds, which is why we can't be together. I love my girls so much and they do give me the strength to not screw up too much and to be honest, I know this may sound funny I am kind of glad my ex-wife cheated on me and did what she did because I was just going with the flow, I too was in denial, her actions woke me up and I had the strength do something, this when I started to take action.

    Intention + Action = Results!!!

    Get help! No one can tell if you should stay or go, however be good to yourself and when you believe you deserve to be in a loving relationship, you will make the best decision for yourself, period.

    I am proud to say that I am not perfect and yes at time I am messed up in the head, however I am doing my best to deal with this and to move forward by learning more about myself, shifting my thoughts and more important my behavior with myself and others. I believe this journey will be on going for the rest of my life and if there is anything I can tell you what to do is this, take that first step, once you do, your other foot will follow. You deserve happiness, you deserve the life that GOD and the Universe intended for you to have, get out of your ego, get out of fear, if you don't you will live a life of nothingness or even worst you will become an abuser.

    Start by loving yourself and the rest will follow! This I can honestly say will come true for you.

    Richard.

  • Anonymous-45

    no se da cuenta una persona de que esta en una escalada de maltratos en ocasiones va in crescendo se le anula economicamente, se le imponen pertenencias y silencios se le dañan roban sus pertenencias, se les intoxica, se les suministran anuladores de la voluntad se les acosa, se les amenaza, y se crean circulos y rodean de opresores para que no puedan tener ni fuerzas, ni escapatoria, apenas ven que se recupera se le administra uno o varios correctivos y dopantes, se le boicotea y se juega criminalmente contra ellas.

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: Not being a Spanish speaker (I think this is Spanish), I pushed this through Google Translate and got the following:

    "not realize a person is in an escalation of abuse sometimes it goes in crescendo cancels economically, are imposed on property damage and silences you steal their belongings, they were intoxicated, they will provide cutters are harassed, threatened, and create circles and surrounded by oppressors so they can not have neither forces, nor escape, are just recovering are given one or more corrective and doping, he was boycotted and play against them criminally."

  • connie smith

    I can see from the above comments ...these poor people could write a book.

    I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 25 years.

    The more you type. The more angry you beome.

    If your stomach starts to turn when pulling in the driveway

    If the notion of ''What is he thinking'' when you're 5 minutes late comes to mind.

    When someone calls on the phone and hangs up ''scares you'' ( must be a boyfriend ) ( imaginary )

    YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP .....................

    do not hesitate. GET OUT.

  • Ebony Brehon

    If your in a abusive relationship tell someone or pack up your stuff and tell your abuser "Look this is it i cant take no more and i leaving you and it's your lost"

  • Anonymous-46

    I was in an abusive relationship for one long and tiresome year. My boyfriend was in the Marines. He went to Iraq three times and had major PTSD after his last tour. Our relationship was great at first. It was the picture perfect romance. He would be abroad or on base on the other side of the county and then I would fly out to see him. We would have a romantic vacation while he was on leave and everything was wonderful. Until our long distance relationship came to an end. He moved in with me shortly after his discharge from the service. And then I started to see the dark side of him.

    I used to blame it on the drinking. One night he was really intoxicated. I said something to him that he took the wrong way. Before I knew it, I was on the ground and he was punching me over and over again to the point that I had to cross my arms over my chest so the blows wouldn't be so hard. Somehow I got out of his hold. He was able to calm down some and he went into the bedroom. I waited until he passed out and then booked it out of our apartment and went right to my friend's. I had bruises all over and my ribs hurt for weeks. My friends were all concerned and nobody saw it coming.

    The next day, I went back to the apartment and yelled at him for what he did to me. I showed him the bruises and he apologized over and over. He didn't remember doing that to me at all. I made excuses for him ("he was drunk" "he had a tough time in the military" "I shouldn't have upset him"). We kissed and made up and things were better for a while.

    Then he would punch me in my sleep and I would wake up not knowing what I did. He would call me names out of the blue, spit in my face, and tell me how my friends didn't really care about me and only cared about themselves. He would treat me poorly, but try to convince me that no one else would be there for me and he was the only one I could count on. He would even guilt trip me into thinking I was so worthless that I deserved to be punched and one time I even asked him to hit me because I thought I deserved it.

    My friends had an intervention because they were concerned about my recurring bruises. They wanted me to get help, but I became defensive. I thought that things would get better some day. I made him go to the VA for therapy and counseling, but he didn't take it seriously. I wanted to fix him and make things the way they were when he was in the service.

    He used to only hit me when no one else was around. But one time, he did it when my roommate was home with her boyfriend. She got concerned and called the cops. I tried to lock him out, but he punched down my door and broke my window. The cops told me to file a restraining order. I refused because deep down I still thought I could fix him.

    The day I finally walked away was the day we were going to meet up with my friends for happy hour. We argued in my car. I didn't want to talk to him and tried to walk away. While I was walking down the street, he came up from behind and punched me in the back of my head. I quickly ran to a nearby bar where a group of older men saw what happened and called the police. One was a former cop. He told me "he's never going to change. Get out while you can. I've seen this a hundred times." This final pop on the head made me wake up and realize I needed to get out. I called my dad and he drove 6 hours to my apartment and helped me move all of his stuff out. I filed a restraining order the next day and haven't heard from him since. I found out later he has done this to every girl he has ever been in a relationship with (even before the military). I realized I needed to stop making excuses and stop allowing him to manipulate me into believing I was worthless and it was ok for him to use me as his punching bag.

    I started going to a abused women's support group right after this relationship. I then stopped dating for a year. I now have met the love of my life and haven't looked back.

  • Anonymous-47

    Other reasons that people stay:

    - Threats of "if you leave me, I'll..." fill in the blank anyway you like "get custody of the kids", "won't pay you a dime and you won't be able to make it", "kill you", "ruin you", etc...

    - One of the most important dynamics in abusive relationships is the denial of reality by the abuser, who so often and repeatedly tells the spouse that they (the abuser) is a great spouse, that they treat them well, that they'd never find anybody better for them, that this is how relationships should be, that they (the spouse) is too sensitive and overreacting, that nothing really happened and the partner/spouse is just going crazy. It isn't until the partner of the abuser begins to realize that it doesn't have to be that way that they can start to break free of the fog that has grown over them through this "crazy-making" attempt to ruin their reality -- that they can start to fathom a better life. It takes a long time for that fog to lift, and one heck of a lot of strength.

    - As noted - it does get worse when the person leaves, and that's when even more strength is needed. Personally, I had to carry around a list of reasons why I was leaving in my purse and refer to them frequently -- because I knew that I was putting myself and our children through a lot of turmoil.

  • Anonymous-48

    Constantly I feel like I might have done the "wrong thing" by leaving my less than 1 year marriage. Before we were married, things were difficult.

    I moved in with him after about 6 months of dating because he wanted to get married. Once I was there, he hesitated about the engagement. It was horrible for me because I had left my place and moved to the neighboring state. After we got married, a year later, things got worse. When we were planning the wedding, he said he wasn't happy about getting married (he was in his mid 40's and never had been married). I thought he was just scared.

    Once married, the "abuse" got so much worse. I asked him not to call me the "c" word. He said that I should just make it part of my vocabulary, then it wouldn't bother me so much. During one fight, he told me that he "hated my %#*$#$ guts. I was devastated. Another fight, he spit in my face. And, another, he threw a bottle of water in my face.

    A few months after that, he stalked me. I met some friends after work for over an hour and he found out about it by listening to my voice messages. That night, I spent in a hotel. I had friends that kept me company until I went to sleep. He accused me of cheating and hit me, but not enough to show any signs.

    Since then, he broke into my emails, my phone account, my mail. He called me names every other day. He hated my family. He threatened divorce (not just then, but since we got married). After a few months of this torture, I decided to leave. When I told him this he started to say he wanted to work things out. I didn't budge. I left.

    Now he blames me for not wanting to work things out and leaving him. I have enough life experience that I thought this was just a temporary feeling and that if I had stayed, things would eventually even get worse.

    Now that I'm gone, living alone for the past couple of months, I'm very depressed. We still have some email and minimal phone contact. His verbal abuse and blaming continues.

    I just hope I did the right thing, that it is worth all this pain.

  • A J

    I was due to give birth to my baby yesterday, she seems to not be ready yet, but she will arrive at any time soon. My partner has not been in touch for weeks, not even to see if his daughter is born yet. That has been really hard to understand. When he has been in touch recently it was to tell me how is surrounded by good people now, unlike me, going camping with his friends from narcotics anonymous and his 2 year old daughter, and how well he is getting on with his ex now.

    Beyond the hurt I know it is pathetic, abusive. It is so hard though to resist the draw to try and win them over, make them see what they are doing, fix them.

    I think Alanon is my saving grace, a support group recommended in a book that has also really helped. I urge you all to read 'women who love too much'.

    Once my daughter arrives, I know it will be hard, but I know we will have a better life with her Dad not in it. I will give him a chance to have access, but I am focused on fixing myself, and being able to enjoy healthier relationships from now on. All my ex's have been abusive, this is my third child to a third man, doesn't look so good really. My problem is loving men as I see as misunderstood not promiscuity.

    Good luck everyone, take your focus off these unhealthy men and put it on yourself to rebuild your self esteem.

    A Xx

  • Raluca

    I was in abusive relationship for almost 4 years. Towards the end of it my self doubt became paroxistic. I felt ugly, unatrractive, crazy and stupid. So I started acting abusive myself or at least this is what I fear the most that I became abusive too. After he cheated on me and offended me I became so low confident that once, when he went out with some friends I became jealous and was upset on him for not inviting me. I know I shouldnt have done that , I am so afraid of becoming like him. Can abused persons become abusive themselves? Anyway Im away from him now and fighting to stay that way.

  • khanak

    i m suffering from a verbally abusive relation from past 10 mnths i m 19yrs old...my boyfrnd to whome i ws commited very seriously use to call me names n blame me 4 eevrytng...i took it to b his love 4 few months but ltr on he became very very abusive in his words he didnt let me tok 2 my frnds..he always thought dat i ws cheating on him he use to imagine tngs like m making out wid sum other person infront of n made me admit it by treating to kill my family..i m a law student jst in my 1st yr he didnt let me study..he never let me sleepsaying dat if he s nt feeling sleepy den hw cn i..nw i hv left him but nw he is cuming at my place n saying dat he will ruin my reputation everywere he hs already done dat in my college..i m feeling so let down because of him i left my family my friendz..my studies my dancing my eating he forced me to commit suicide jst to check if i loved him or not.. he ask me fullfil his sexual need wich r against my values but he calls me names n treats me but still i hv managed not to do it he started physically hurting me by scraching my body n holding me thightly dat hurts i cnt go back to him but he says dat he would kill me he tried to do it beforehe came wid a gun infront of my house he knws everytng abt me as his frnds keep on spying on me i dnt knw wat to do its been 2 mnths since i hv had a word wid him but still he tries to call from sumwere or the other my parents r very supportive but i fear for dere life wat shud i doo..:(

  • jennifer

    hi I just wanted to say this site help me. My boyfriend always puts me down said he was useing me for fincale reasons, that every time he has sex with me he thinks of others, that my pus is wack, am no body ect. I didnt relize what to do befor i seen this site. Its time to leave wasted over a year. felt like i was ugly and that i was nothing. thank you for your help to move on.

  • Amanda

    I am yet another woman who has been abused. I had been in my relationship for almost 6 years and 3 weeks ago he bashed me really bad. The abuse started from early on and first it was emotional and verbal and I used to think that it would NEVER turn physical, boy was I wrong. The abuse has been so bad, when I think about the awful things he has done to me I feel even embarressed to write them on here! But I kept making excuses for him, he had an abusive childhood and I do feel bad for him and almost feel like i'm abandoning him.

    I have been reading the stories on here and can relate, I too have been trapped in my apartment, told, like an animal, to sit on the floor while my bf took my keys and unplugged the phones and blocked my path to the doorway. This has happened more regularly and in the last year he had talked about how much he wanted to kill me during these abusive outburts, even to the point of holding knives to me while he punched me with the other hand or strangled me. Even after the last time, I didnt call the police, but 2 days later when I saw the anger signs coming again, I was luckily only at the front door to my apartment so he couldnt trap me in and I escaped and called the police, they came and took him away. He has quite a long police record of violence against others and me AND he was on a good behaviour bond, yet he is already out of jail and telling all who'll listen that it is all MY fault because apparently I like to look at other men, which is crazy cause he is the only man I ever wanted! Can you believe that this is what he gives for the reason for ALL the abuse? Has anyone else ever had this problem? It became so bad that I couldnt even go to the store with him or drive in the car because I was worried I would accidently look at someone and it would set him off! I have never heard of any man being this paranoid before.

    So, even after all this, as I sit here tonight, I want him back and I don't know why! I keep thinking 'what if he finds someone else and changes for her?' or stupid things like that. I miss the old him, the nice him and can't let go of the good times. I have been strong so far but it's hard. :( Aghhh! Driving myself crazy!

  • Anonymous-49

    I was wondering if someone could offer me some advice. I found this article very helpful but was wondering if people who have experienced abuse and left their partners, to give me some tips.

    I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we are both from different countries. I met him while travelling and when we fell in love I decided to stay with him. I now live with him in England while my family are in Australia. So obviously a very huge divide. My family has never visited me, and with my job it is very hard to get time off so I haven't seen my family and friends in 4 years. I have said to my boyfriend if he ever sees us moving back to Aust and he always says no. As a result I have been sad, grumpy and homesick. Everytime I try to talk about it with him, he tells me to grow up. I have never felt supported by him with this.

    His always enjoyed a drink and getting too drunk and whever he gets drunk he gets angry. For the past 2 years his anger when drunk gets worse and worse. He yells, shouts etc. But he also grabs me, pushes me, pulls me from one room to another and grabs me by the throat. I never saw him as "abusive" because he has never actually hit me.

    However, I feel it has gotten too much lately and recently during a drunken rage he put both his hands on my face til I thought I couldnt breathe. It frighten me so much. The then forced his hands inside me and just kept calling me names.

    The next morning, as this article explains, he was as usual his kissing cuddling self. This is the first time I haven't responded and now he has lost his power and control.

    The only thing is, being I have no friends over here, and we live together, I don't know what to do. I don't have enough money to fly back to Aust, and my parents can't afford to bail me out. I feel like I will end up forgiving him and staying with him just because I have no where else to go, just like this article says.

    I really would appreicate some advice as I really have no one to turn to. I'm scared to tell anyone as he comes off as such a great guy that I'm afraid people won't believe me and think I'm making it up.

    thanks

  • Kate

    I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

    How often I had wandered through confusion and self doubt. You are in an abusive relationship, the drinking is no excuse.

    I don't know much about the country you are in but usually there are womens shelters you can go to after leaving an abusive relationship/marriage.

    This man does not want to see you happy. You need to love yourself more then you love him. I know that it feels impossible to just pack some things and leave without ever looking back, but I did it and thats how I know you can as well.

    Be patient with yourself, love yourself. Writing down thoughts and feels always helped me sort through the confusion and not completely lose myself.

    I am so sorry that you have to go through this pain. But I know, without a doubt, that you can make it. You just have to chose to.

    I support you my friend! and I am here to help in any way I can.

  • Kate

    I used to think that it would NEVER turn physical, boy was I wrong.

    I kept making excuses for him, he had an abusive childhood and I do feel bad for him and almost feel like i'm abandoning him.

    I have been reading the stories on here and can relate, I too have been trapped in my apartment, told, like an animal, to sit on the floor while my bf took my keys and unplugged the phones and blocked my path to the doorway. This has happened more regularly and in the last year he had talked about how much he wanted to kill me during these abusive outburts, even to the point of holding knives to me while he punched me with the other hand or strangled me. He has quite a long police record of violence against others and me AND he was on a good behaviour bond, yet he is already out of jail and telling all who'll listen that it is all MY fault because apparently I like to look at other men, which is crazy cause he is the only man I ever wanted! Can you believe that this is what he gives for the reason for ALL the abuse? Has anyone else ever had this problem? It became so bad that I couldnt even go to the store with him or drive in the car because I was worried I would accidently look at someone and it would set him off! I have never heard of any man being this paranoid before.

    So, even after all this, as I sit here tonight, I want him back and I don't know why! I keep thinking 'what if he finds someone else and changes for her?' or stupid things like that. I miss the old him, the nice him and can't let go of the good times. I have been strong so far but it's hard. :( Aghhh! Driving myself crazy.

    Dear Amanda,

    I have put emphasis on the setances and words that struck out to me. I understand your confusion, and your frustration, and your pain.

    I have been able to leave my abusive 9 month relationship, and I want to tell you that you are a very strong woman for being able to leave that man. It took me four times of leaving and going back to actually LEAVE him for good. Like you, I justified his behavior, and it escalted but I was always able to pick out some small good time (even if it was fake) that would send me spiriling back to him.

    But then there came a point in time where I realized that I do not miss him, I miss the guy he pretended to be. The illusion that he made me believe. What has helped me the most when I start feeling like I miss him or he really will change or really is sorry or really loves me, is reading what I wrote about why I left.

    This may help you as well, try writing down ALL of the reasons you left him, without leaving ANYTHING out. No one else has to see it. And whenever you start missing the 'good times' pull out that paper and read, and re-read and remind yourself that you are a beautiful person who deserves so much more then that.

    My ex had an abusive childhood as well. But we need to understand that an abusive childhood is not an excuse to hurt and or kill someone. If he wanted help, or if he was really sorry, he would have taken the initiative to step up and take responsibility for his own actions and not start blaming you once he was able to get out of jail.

    He has a past of violence, it didn't start with you. His next girlfriend will be his next victim because he cannot change for someone else. He cannot change for her or you because he needs to change for himself.

    You are a beautiful strong woman! Take time for yourself. One day at a time, I know you will make it. =) I am here for you if you ever need to talk.

  • Kate

    You are not alone.

    Congratulations on your choice to leave. You are not stupid, you are very smart.

    Keep us updated on how you are doing! :)

  • Kate

    You are not crazy.

    Tell yourself that a million times. Over and over until you believe it.

    You need to allow yourself to heal in a healthy way. NO contact with your ex. At all. And maybe see if you can find a good councilor. From personal experiance my counsilor has really helped me. She helped me understand where my confusion was coming from.

    I still have a long way to go on this road of healing as well but you have taken a big step by talking about it. I am scared to death to become like my ex, but the truth is, that is up to us. We have to power to control our actions. Just like being abusive was his choice. We chose to heal, or to try and fill that hole that has been left by being abusive as well.

    Make your choice, because it is only yours to make, and then stick to it. If you want to heal, then take everday one day at a time, seek help, and support, and begin finding yourself again.

    You are not alone

  • Kate

    You have taken a very big step by leaving. I am amazed. You are a very strong person.

    But there is still a part of you that is holding on, can you see it?

    I tried to hold onto my abusive ex, tried for 9 months, but because I kept that contact I always went back. The abuse didn't stop when the relationship did. Eventually he had me broken, I went back for a fourth time, and he raped me. It was only then that I realized how dangerous and serious of a situation I was in. Now I do NOT contact him, because that shows him that I love myself more then him and that he can no longer have that power or control over me.

    My adivice would be to cut off contact COMPLETELY and do not look back. Work on healing you, because that is how you will get far in life.

    I KNOW that you can do it! Because you are strong. Because you have already taken that first step!

  • PAMELA

    So I think this is a step on the right track. I have made excuses for my boyfriend for the last 4 yrs. I to feel like i'm abandoning him if I leave, I always say he loves me he's just messed up because of his childhood, etc. Then after he hits me or calls me horrid names or abuses my dog, who protects me every chance he gets..I find myself looking in the mirror wandering why i'm doing this why I put up with him? Then he is back again apologizing telling me how much he loves me and i'm all he has, so I stop looking in the mirror and go thru another day wondering what it will bring. The truth is i'm angry with myself for not being able to walk away and I don't understand why this is so hard for me to do!! So i'm sitting here reading these articles and it's a vision of my life. I never new abuse until I met him. I came from a great close family, that has begged me and even threatened to never speak to me again if I stay with him, and still nothing has made me leave. I can remember being 16 and reading about domestic abuse and saying thats horrible i'll never be in that situation i'm to strong for that....But, yet here I am not so strong. The truth is i'm lost I don't know what to do, because, I still no matter what think I love him and of course he must love me!!......It's funny because anyone looking at our relationship knows he doesn't love me. For 4 years I have supported financially and mentally. I pay every bill, every outting and I come home to a complete crazy person and my dog that I have had forever is usually cowering in the corner with his ears down looking at me like why do you leave me with this crazy man. I need help and I know that because this is a life I choose to live not that I have to live and maybe reading and commenting here has helped me see!!....I hope so!!

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: If someone is hitting you, calling you names and harming your dog, that is without a doubt, abuse. You are indeed being abused by your boyfriend. When you are ready - you will have to take action if you want it to stop. Taking that action is your responsibility and privilage and you have to give yourself the permission to take that action (your boyfriend will not do it for you and no one else could).

    Taking action to make the abuse stop is absolutely hard because the story in your head says that if you do take action you'll be a "horrible selfish person" (or something to that effect). You don't want to be a bad person, so you stay and tolerate the abuse. Here's the mistake: You are allowing your compassion for your boyfriend's suffering to eclipse your own, as though he is more important than you are, and you do not deserve to live in safety and to be treated with respect. This is false because you are just as important as he is.

    Do not allow your compassion for your boyfriend's suffering to eclipse your own. In this type of case, it is important that you become more "selfish" - not so that you become a bad person who takes advantage of others, but so that you come back to "zero". You have been so unselfish that you've enabled an imperfect man to take advantage of you. Your self-esteem "bank account" is overdrawn. By becoming just selfish enough to insist that you not be taken advantage of, you can "pay off that debt" and get back to zero.

  • markuss

    My girlfriend has just got back with her husband and reading this article it was like it was her life when she was with him before,We had for the past year one of the best relationships we both have ever had.I can't for the life of me understand why from coming out of a abusive relationship and going into a really great relationship where we both gel really perfectly she would go back into an abusive relationship,I honestly can't see him changeing I've told her it's the way he is and will be almost impossible for him to change prior he was a patient also at the DOPso I can only fear for herbut told her I'd wait and see if she needs me.

  • samantha

    Never had I experience the confusion of what I thought was love until I humblely gave myself to a person with an honest and open heart only to be torn down, humiliated, and crushed. I was no longer a 41 year old women but a child who felt unable to defend herself and scared. Just the mear presence and the sound of his vioce in his outrage sent me in a corner in my world all alone begging to get out "okay'. Although I had left 1 time and eventually grew the courage to say I would leave I would advise any person who is abused to not comment on their plan of action. He broke everything and anything that had a sentimental value including me. I have left and like others feel horrible. But in 12 months I went from a role model to a very lonely sad person...who walked on eggs shells everyday...until today. and I can only thank Jehovah for the strength he has given me to have left.

  • maria

    i don't know where to start. i just need someone to talk to. i feel like no one understands me.

    i met this guy 3 years ago. we started dating a few months later. he stole my heart. or i don't know. from the beginning something felt "off", but since i was never in a relationship before and it seemed this guy was the only guy who looked my way, i stuck around.

    he forced me into having sex with him a few days after we started dating. i wouldnt exactly call it "rape", but maybe it actually was. all i know is he rushed right into that and i wasnt ready, but i still did it because like i said before, he was the only guy who looked my way, so i thought i had to do it.

    a few months later i decided to move in with him because he needed help finacially and i was too stupid at the time to see the real picture. there i was thinking this guy was soo in love with me, that i let him take control over my thoughts/mind/world.

    he started cheating on me. he denies it, but i have proof. i wanted to break up with him and never look back. although every time my feet were right out the door, i would turn around and come right back in. i didn't want him to be with another woman. i just wanted him to love me. i needed someone to love me. even though i knew deep down he didn't, i don't really understand why i believed he did. he belittled me. he made fun of me. he made me think i was crazy in the head (because i always cried) and he would get so angry with me for various reasons that he would say the most hurtful things. he never beat me, but emotionally he did. the only thing he ever psychically did to me was yank me by my hair telling me to kill myself because i should die, that no one loves me and wouldn't care that i was gone, etc...

    then i got pregnant.

    at the same time, i found out he was cheating on me AGAIN and that was when i actually left. i packed up all my belongings and left to my parents. i wanted to never speak to him again.

    ...but i let him back in. he said he loved me, i'm who he wants to be with. he wants to be a family with me and the baby when she comes. i continued talking to him via text messages or emails.

    come to find out, he was living with his ex (who he has previous children with) and she ended up being pregnant too.

    there was my cue to cut off all ties. they could be a family, i could move on.

    did that happen? no.

    something happened with him dealing with abuse and she left town with her kids and wont let him back in her life or the kids either....

    he came crawling back to me. he got kicked out of his home and ended up living with me. he sucked me right back in.

    i had my baby last year, and he seems to think he is a great, loving, doting father. but he's not. i'm terrfied to leave my child even for 2 minutes while i'm in the bathroom. she never leaves my sight when he is around. he continues to emotionally abuse me. he uses me for money. he even uses our child to hurt me. he says if i ever kick him out he will take me to court and get full custody of our child, because im "crazy". he blackmails me. he told me when i had a headache that he hopes i'm dying of a brain aneyursm. he always says he is going to kill himself or drive his car off a cliff.

    he has been out of my house for a week now. i'm scared he is going to try to get custody of our child. how do i get him out of my life forever? yeah people say get a restraining order, but i don't believe that will work. i just need help keeping him away, especially from my daughter. i do not trust him. even he said himself he can't be trusted around children, which even proves my point more that he shouldn't be anywhere near my child... plus he was almost arrested for some type of abuse with his ex and her kids. even though that case was sealed in confidential files, is there anywhere i could use that against him? someone please help me.

  • DEE

    Umm, I dont even know where to start so Ill start from the beginning. I met this guy online. I brushed him off on more than one occasion. I finally gave him a chance and we hit it off. We started spending all of our time together. Then he told me that he thought I should know that he's moving. I thought it was over between us but we kept in touch. He said he loved me and wanted me to move with him. I asked him if he was ready for a "ready made" family being that I already had 2 kids. He said he knew what he was getting into when he asked me. So I made plans to move with him and I did. Things were great till one night he said I disrespected him and he slapped me a couple of times and held me down on the bed till I "admitted" to what I did. Which till this day I have no clue what I did to disrespect him. Then things would be wonderful. We had even set a date to get married. Then I did something I dont usually do and went through his phone. Found pictures of other naked women he took with his phone before I moved with him but we were together. I confronted him and he said they were there but he didnt have sex with him which I dont believe. He would flirt with other women in my face and would say he wants me and Im who he comes home to so it shouldnt matter that he flirts. But when I flirted (just to test him) he would flip. Slap me around a few times. Long story short the last "episode" was horrible. He thought I was cheating on him. I dont know how he came up with this conclusion. He slapped me around and said if I didnt tell him the truth he would hit me in the face with the glass he was holding in his hand. I kept telling him that I didnt cheat but he would hit me every time I said it. So I just told him anything and he hit me anyways. He beat me horribly. Some of it I dont even remember because I blacked out a couple times. I still even have some of the scars. On the day I left I told him that he did all of that for nothing. That he mad me confess to what he wanted because he threatened me. He said he believed me. My parents helped me get away from him. And being that I was already coming to visit them out of state they asked me to stay. This whole time Ive been in contact with him. He wants me to come back and says that he still loves me. Even though Im scared to death I love him and want to go back. Ive even been looking for jobs in that area. But I recently found out that he never believed me when I told him that I didnt cheat. And he thinks Im cheating now. The only reason I agreed to go back is because I thought he believed me. Now Im scared because I dont know if he'll drink (sorry i left out that he only hit me when he was drinking) and do the same thing again. I love him to death. My parents are struggling to take care of me and my two boys. I kind of want to go back and deal with him till I save and move out on my own. As im wriing this I feel stupid but I need to talk to someone thats not biased. Please help me. Feel free to email me. I need someone to talk to.

  • Anonymous-50

    Also, like other members posting comments on this site, I am so thankful to read others stories that are similar to mine. I feel ashamed, and embaressed because I am not the "type" of woman that takes this. BUt then again, there is no "type" of woman that takes it or deserves it for that matter.

    My story started 5&1/2 years ago. I met the bad boy, who was sooo cute and we started dating. Moved in with each other about 2 months after we met because he couldn't stay with family for other reasons. I was aware he had hurt his x girlfriend and was kind of obsessed by her but I brushed it off as a young love type thing. He's in and out of jail all the time, while I have to put money on the phone and his books and pay all my bills. One time about 5 years ago, he smacked me in the face with a cell phone, and then a few months later smashed a metal lamp on my head during a fight and gave me a concussion. I did not call the police and he got away with it, apologizing a million times. Then he ended up going to prison for 40 months. I worked 2 jobs the entire time, just so that I could "support" him while he was gone, and support myself. He was sooo sweet the entire time he was in prison, and our relationship was dream like. We were very close. Well, he was released just this last february and since the very 2nd day he was home, he was going to the club every night and wouldn't spend any time with me. He's cheated on me more times than I can count, I pay all the bills while he pays nothing, and he attempts to control me by saying things like good wifes stay home and don't go out. And then always wants to take me to work and pick me up (even though he has his own car, takes mine) and I know this is because he wants to know where I'm at. He's gotten very verbally abusive whenever I've confronted him about the women saying he will beat my ass and spit in my face and smack me around, but since 5 years ago has never hit me (because he was in prison he couldn't). So this past week, he shows up at my work & asks to use my car, I was busy with customers so instead of fighting I agreed for him to use it for 1 hour. He never shows back up or even calls for that matter until 6 (I'm off at 5) so when he arrives I freak out and tell him to get out of my car and give it to me. We got into a physical fight in the parking lot of my work, him screaming he's going to knock me out. He smashed my cell phone because he thought I was going to call the police, then attacks me in the car. I have tons of bruises everywhere. He is now back in jail since monday, and I have since changed my phone number so he can't call. I blocked him from emailing me or contacting me and even hired movers to move this week. He will get out to nothing. I know this is the right move, and it will never get better if I go back. I just am praying I stay strong when he gets out. I do not plan on having contact with him, but know he will show up at my work begging. I've even taken pictures of all my bruises as a reminder of what I left.

  • scared

    He walks into the room at 6 in the morning smelling of alcohol. Not walking in…strolling in as if he has every right to be that late and not care. The tears flow and I try to explain to him that it hurts when he does not care enough about me to come home at a decent time, or even not to drive drunk. But he does not care. He gets defensive. Yells. Shrugs his shoulders and says whatever. His right to be mad at me. I say something wrong..can’t even remember now what I said, and he cannot remember either. “You stupid bitch!” He screams just inches from my face. I instantly start to cry, my breaths get short and panicky when I get really upset. He keeps going “Yeah start to cry, bring it on, push your emotions, it’s all an act!” All of a sudden…I slapped him across the face. It is all I could do to get him to stop yelling. It only gets worse. “You stupid fucking whore!” He screams. Now I can hear the kids woke up. I do not want them to hear this. Their mother being screamed at. I cower in the corner of the bed as he flies off and is pacing around. He opens the bedroom door and walks in to the hallway, slamming the door behind him. “What did I do to deserve her? Stupid whore!” He screams down the hallway past the kids room. Seconds later he appears in the bedroom, ripping the covers off of me yelling at me to leave his fucking house. Get my shit and get the fuck out he yells. As I start to move he jumps on the bed and gets inches from me again yelling at me, screaming at me. He grabbed the pillow beside him and clenches it in his fist. All of a sudden a soft, but hard blow across my head. He slams the pillow against me as hard as he can. I am trying to muffle my crying. He yells even more. Words I cannot even remember. I get up and try to move past him, he stands there and says that he has never been slapped before. I tell him that his ex slept with all of his friends and went behind his back. He tells me that she never slapped him. Apparently that slap is worse than her infidelity. He sits on the edge of the bed and punches the wall in front of him. As he sits there I get off the bed as soon as I can, get into my kid’s bedroom to see my five year old son in tears. Asking why he is yelling at me and hitting things. I tell him not to worry and to get dressed as fast as he can and to pack his bag…not forgetting to hug and kiss him and tell him not to leave the room until I come to get him. I go back into the bedroom. I can feel his anger in the air. I grab my bag and start throwing my stuff in it. Not knowing what’s going to happen next. He comes over near to me, I flinch. He gets mad that I am scared, telling me I have no reason to be. I keep packing. He asks if I am done. I do not respond. I do not know what to do. He is crying now. Sobbing. I try to be strong. But I am weak. He tells me he loves me and wants me. I know I cannot do this. I do not know why I cannot just go and take my kids out of there. I let him talk to me, I let him touch me. I try to not throw up when he kisses me. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I try so hard to not blink. I try so hard to not shake. I can feel my body tensing up and my back beginning to spasm from the stress of the last hour. I think to myself that I might have a miscarriage from this, from the emotional stress and the physical stress. I wonder if that is what he really wants. I wonder to myself how many more times this will play out. How many more mornings or nights will this happen. I get the kids together and to the door. My bags are still in his room. He comes to the door, touches my face and kisses me. I do not look back when I leave. I do not text him when I leave that I love him as I do every morning. I do not text after he text me after I left that morning. I hope he does not show up at my work today. I hope he leaves me alone for a while. I need to know I am worthy of being treated amazing by someone who loves who I am and respects my beliefs and morals. It has been almost four hours since this morning started. I am still shaking, my body is the most tense it has ever been and I cannot fathom the thought of eating. I look at the pictures of my kids on my desk and I know I have to be strong for them and go on with the day. They need me more than anything. This baby that I am carrying needs me to be stronger. But what if I can’t?

    This is what happened to me this morning, it was easier to write it in third person. I need advice badly.

  • selam

    Hello

    I was reading all this store what you ladies went through and I am just wondering that why we have give a seconde thought to our self should i stay or should i live, I mean what is worth to me is your life not reason or casuse of some thing. you know you are not happy so does..just get out of that relshinship as soon as posbile...Life is to short..why are you staying and allow you to suffer...

  • Anonymous-51

    I too have spent many nights alone while he was out in the bar. He would come home at 3,4,5,6,7 or not at all. And most of the time it wouldn't be bad. But most of the time isn't good enough. There were times that he would lose money at the casino, or not have a good night and come home and scream at me.

    There was a night when he took the wrong car keys and did not have the key that opened the gas cap to My car, so when he lost all his money at the casino, and could not put gas in the car (to go back to the casino) he came home screaming at me about how I'm a dumb bitch. Then punching holes in the walls and scaring me so bad I just laid under the covers scrared to move.

    Finally I left. I posted some of my story 2 comments ago, wondering if I would have the courage to stay strong when he gets out of jail and comes crying to me at my work. Since I have posted, I did move. He has written me a very sweet letter apologizing and saying all the right things to get me back, but you know what? Nothing will change, and that is something you have to admit to yourself. I kept on hanging on for that day he would realize I was the one and treat me right. I kept hoping that if I did this or that just a little better, he would love me better. Or that maybe he was young, and would eventually grow up out of it. But my mom told me something that stuck in my head....There may be a day that he WILL grow out of this, but unfortunetly it won't be with you. He has learned you will take him back no matter what he does. And you know what, she was right?

    I have only been free of him 2 weeks, and have already felt as if a burden of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe and relax! I sleep great at night! I also have been reunited with the one man who has ever treated me like a queen. I'd never have to be scared of him in any way, and he would give me the world. I am on this site reading these stories as reminders of what not to go back to, and what I came from. It will not change, and your only choice is to either die (physically or mentally) or leave.

    I truely believe that woman who are strong enought to endure this, are strong enought to put an end to it also. YOu just have to find it within yourself. And plan, and be ready to do it.

  • kari

    its been 3 months since I called the cops to come take him away!! ur stories ladies, have helped and I relate to many...I was with my boyfriend the father of my daughters for almost 5 years, my reason for not leaving or keep taking him back cuz I did many many too many times. I already had a failed marriaged when I met him and my son outta that failed relationship...I like my ex came from a single parent home and I wanted to give my children the stability of 2 parents. And for whatever reason that boggles my mind I love him so much I couldnt stand being without him, it wuz hard for me to admit that he was abusive & controlling like u ladies he forbid me to speak with my friends saying they were bad influences, asked me many times to change my cell#, he felt it was ok for him to go out but not me cause ima girl and wut wuld ppl say, every nite we had to have sex if not it would end up in an argument, i couldnt go to sleep if he didnt, i was alwyz timed at whateve outing i did, and of course every1 in my family realized it and I was just so blind...for the first couple of years i would say it was just verbal abuse the first time he actually put his hands on me was valentines day and I was pregnant with our first daughter, it started because he decided he was going out with his friends, i of course being valentines got annoyed, but my son was there and I did not want to argue infront of him so i just walked out and decided to go to my mom's as i was walking outta the door he started yelling at me to come back i ignored him and he grabbed me by my arm an pulled me towards him...this is so hard for me to tell bcuz ive never have admitted this to no one i feel like such a weak person and so ashamd...anywayz like i was saying he pulled my arm and i managed to pull away and push him off me so he came after me in the driveway and started tuggin at me and gettin in my face my son the little brave guy he is tried to push him away so he let me go but he sorta pushed him to the side and this is when i went insane and started yellin at him too...he went crazy and picked me up by my throat, carried me across the lawn by my throat and slammed me against the front door i wuz 6 mos pregnant and fortunately his mom & sister heard all the commotion and were able to help me & i just ran & left went to a park w/ my son and cried my heart out...unbeliable as it is i took him back the same nite he promised it would never happend again & i believed him. MOnths went by and no abuse, he was perfect. well not perfect cause once i had our daughter he became even more controlling but i made excuses for it thinkin he just loved me so much...and i got tired of all the rules so i started resisting, and slowly the abuse came back he would slap me, push me, pull my arm & then I wuz pregnant w/ our 2nd daughter & i wuz trying to leave him took him to his moms unfortunately for me no one wuz there and he begged me to talk to him so I did and since I didnt give him a chance and wuldnt listen anymore he slapped me so hard that i fell and as i fell i dont kno how but my daughter also came down with me my 1 yr old @ that time and I wuz 6/7 mos pregnant, he hit me so hard that i got a black eye, yeah i took him back this time he actually proposed...and yeah as much as I hope the abuse never really went away, i felt as if i was steppin on egg shells never really knowing what would tick him off idk why i love him so much in reality i still do, and i miss him idk y ithink im crazy or sumthings wrong in my head, the day i called the cops wuz May 9 2010 mother's day we had been arguing the nite b4 about sex i didnt want to and he did next day he got up still upset and started talkin about leavin me alon for the day and leaving with our girls so the argument started again i kicked him our i wuz so pissed that he wuz trying to ruin mothers day he left, but came back to get his stuff, more arguing in the end i wuz just trying to leave bcuz by this point all my kids were hysterical, he ended up pushing me while i wuz going down the stairs of our apt building, i ended up sprainin my ankle, as i was gettin up from the floor i saw my all of my kids eyz my son carrying my littlest who at the time was 7 mos and my 2 yr old & they looked so scared they are what made me call the cops and I did he wuz taken arrested and taken away since that day i've not really spoken to him, he tried contact when he was released but I ignored every call, moved back with my mom were he knows he's not welcomed every1 adviced me to get a restrainin order but my dumb ass wasnt able to do it idk wuts wrong with me about a month later a had a terrible accident with my infant, and 4 whatever reason i decided to call him and let him kno, our daughter wuz flown to sd childrens hospital by emergency and when he got to the airport he went of at me and every1 in my family accusing me of being a bad mother i wuz so ashamed my family finally saw what i had endured for the past 5 yrs, & they make me feel so ashamed even though i kno they dont mean too but by askin why did i let it happend, why didnt i say anything, why did i let my children go through this...god i just feel so ashamed, and thought i have my familys support they just dont understand that i still love this person and i dont want nothing bad to happen to him, well anyways i feel that sum of you understand, and i dont feel so alone it feels good to write some of the events down although this is just not even 1/2 of what he put me thru, its very hard to admit to the things i let him get away with, never thought this would hppnd 2 me!

  • naha2010

    I am married to my h since more than 25 years. after my marriage my h started abusing me verbally, emotionally and some times physically. h gets irritated very easily in normal conversation. and become very aggressive started to curse at me name calling to me, in loud voice and hits me. I tolerated because at that time 3 decade ago in my culture people thinks wife has to adjust to husband , my in law family also support him in this way that he will not become depressed and tells me that i did something wrong . not appropriate support from in laws instead they inappropriately support my h that my h is right and my h has no fault in marriage issues means it is all my fault.my h never apologize ,my h always told me that i started conversation that is why my h became angry and hit me, it is all my fault and i ruined his life because i am not a good woman( character is bad in his perception). he has After marriage he started flirting with girls who are much younger then him. if i had said anything about it . he had hit me . And told me in harsh voice you were with others before marriage , so I am now and then cursed me about my character. .many times my h told me he has no interest in life because he married me., but he is not divorcing me either just threatening me that if i will not do what he wants then he will give me divorce , i told him it is OK with me if he wants to give me divorce but he is not doing it. he did not take responsibility for our children , when they were young. all responsibility , i had to take and than to deal with his abuses, physical verbal and emotional .some time he become very angry to children, my children tolerate him too. now they are over 20 , and they understand now what it is. but their childhoods are not good to me, some time he tells me,like this oh take children to restaurant and let them eat what they want ,like showing love and care for them( in his perception).and in my perception i have to do what it takes to provide my children as much support to survive this and support them to live normal life. I.I took care of their education and all other things, he provide them food and shelter. but since 4 years he stopped giving household expenses too.,As he was giving food and shelter to me and my children, he has right to tell us to do things how he wants( in his perception).He blames me most of the time,how he feels or what he does, oneday in our conversation he became aggressive and then did not go to work and told me that he was very delighted to go to work but what i talked to him that make him some and he did not go to work. the time. many time sometime after abusing me , he left us and went to his relatives and stayedthere for 2-6...weeks. I am obligated that i married him so i have to adjust with him. how can i seek help where everybody thinks he is right. He has high position job and he is very nice, kind and generous to his coworker and others and extended family so nobody believes how bad he behaves with us. He is very religious too.and everyday do his morning , evening prayers too and very thoroughly. He knows most of our religious scriptures. He donate to people in need too.he has 2 norms one is very good and other bad which is only with me..I do not understand my extended family who has seen him abusing me too .when i asked him to get help he said, you have no brain, i am crazy.

    since 3 years I stopped paying too much attention to him.If he talks to my children, my children are also just answering to him, no other talking. He is very suspious too, he all the time ask my son about me. some time he asked lito my son " Is your mom is investing cash in realty?, my son told him, no she is not.some time i am at store and he came from work and ask my son where is mom, is she go alone? He complained to his brothers and sister and they call me and tell very hard words to me. they always do that when my h complain to them about me., they call me and sometime they told me angrily and harshly , i cried a lot. now i talk to them only hello, hi not much. . but now reading all sites , I became familiar about the disorder. there is one incident happened and we have to go to therapist for couple counsellings, this time i got courage and told all this to therapist. after couple of session,therapist told me to go alone to other therapist and my h is going to same therapist. But last time he babbles that he is now going to stop therapy. i do not know, little improvement i do not know how long it will last.

    I was typing this and he came in the room and very angry voice telling me what are you doing all day on computer loud and rude and aggressive, and looking at the screen of computer, I have no time to close it. I calmly said , I just got on it and I have to do my job search too as I am unemployed. Still he is not happy that i am on computer.I think he feared abandonment.

    As I want to stay with him, how i have to make him trusting me.

    there many incidents, i just mention some.

  • Anonymous-52

    What made me find this site? Well obviously Im proud of myself having gone this far, having realised that my life as it currently stands is far from normal. The article attached to this definitely struck a cord with both my mind and my heart. I feel for the first time that someone understands what I am going through. That I am most certainly not alone and that I need to sort out a way of getting out before it escalates to a situation I don't want to think about. I have just come back from overseas, hoping this 'romantic' getaway would be just what we needed, just what we needed... Mmm. I guess it just goes to prove that no matter where you are, on what continent or plain you prove to be on, whether you feel like a holiday to a beatiful tropical paradise or not, this relationship will not change. I used to be the a sociatlite in my city. Not a socialite in the true sense of the word, however an independent, sociable, gorgeous young woman who had the world at her feet. Yet now I look in the mirror and see an estranged, confused woman (27) wondering how she ever got into this situation. I thought this was only something you saw in the movies, men (if you can call them that) drunk, drugged, (you name it) beating up on their so-called lovers and wives. And now I feel like I've featured in those movies, but Im glad I can get this off my chest in a way to wake up to myself to know that life isn't meant to be this hard. The bruises to the face and body aren't meant to be there. The back aches and constant stiff necks shouldn't be there either. The constant put downs and foul language used against me shouldn't be directed towards me. That's what I need to remember - THIS ISN'T NORMAL. No one deserves this. But why can't HE end it? Why does it have to be me?! That's right because these men like to play games with us women. Like a pawn on a chessboard. Well I'm hoping that it will be CHECKMATE soon. I hope and pray that soon it will be. I pray that I have the strength to leave him. Despite the fact that the make-up sex is the best I've ever had in my life, I need to wake up. I miss being the sexy, beautiful girl I used to be. I hope that with this, this will be a start for me to wake up and smell the roses because no man has the right to hit a woman, especially me. I need to love myself again for the right reasons as so do all you other women out there going through exactly the same situations. I pray you be safe and I pray that you will have the strength to leave and get on with your lives. Take care - C

  • amanda

    I happended to stumble apon this website this afternoon and I am really happy I did. I too ,like many of you have gone through the cycles of abuse.

    4 weeks ago I left. I was in a relationship with my ex for almost 3 years. At first I thought he was the sweetest guy. We were best friends. We did everything together. I thought that he really loved me and cared about me when he only wanted to spend time with "just me". Slowly though as time went by I lost who I was, and became just a couple. I never had time to myself, never got to hang out with my friends and even was told what I could and couldnt wear. One night we went to a club and he got really wasted and choked me and ended up in jail. Then he told me he was sorry and it would never happen again. I believed him and thought people make mistakes and he has changed. 6 months later we were arguing so much, he's a full blown alcholic, he slammed me into the wall and ended up cracking my ribs. I couldnt move for weeks with out it hurting to breath. You would think after that I would leave but I felt stuck. By this time I had no self esteem, no self respect and felt lower than ever. My parents and friends thought I was crazy for sticking with him and got to the point were they didnt feel sorry for me anymore. I dont blame them. I took him back and we ended up moving. Things were great for a couple weeks and I enrolled at school for medical assisting. I begged him to not bring alcohol into the home while I went to school- but did that stop him from drinking -no... every night he would drink an 18 case to himself and I'd get home from school to find empty beer bottles everywhere. He would get into rage mode if he had no beer and when he did have beer he would hurt me and not remember doing so the next day!

    The past four weeks were the worst... it was hell. Every day he would scream at me ,push me, hit me, control every person I talked to, go through my phone, deleated all my friends numbers, followed me to school... it was awful. I had this bad feeling that something was going to happen and it did- he ended up choking me to the point were I couldnt breath and was so banged up from being thrown around that I was covered in bruises and luckily someone in the apartment complex heard and called 911. he went to jail and over the weekend I left. I got a storage unit and decided to move back home with my folks. Its the BEST DESCION I have ever made!! This past month I can SLEEP and breath and not have to worry , I have made alot of friends at school, I have maintained a 4.0 and I have a purpose to live my life and no longer allow myself to be abused!!!!!My Ex is not going to ruin my life anymore or drag me down! I advise you if you are reading this and still in the relationship thats abusive....leave! HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. The cycles will keep happening, abuse and then the "im sorry honey moon, and then abuse again and soo on" Even though its hard to be alone, there are so many people who are like you and I who have gone through it and are happier than they ever !!! Love yourself enough to walk away - change your number, get a no contact order, take self defense classes, walk to your car in groups. These are a couple things I have been doing and it seems to be helping. Good luck and god bless all of you.

  • Paul

    I admire the courage of the people who have posted their experiences on this site. People who have been abused, often believe lies about themselves. e.g. "I am a doormat, it is a hopeless situation, I am a dog on a leash etc."

    Choose to believe the truth instead of the lies.

    You are valuable, precious, loved. It is not a hopeless situation. There is always hope.

    Please check out my weblog (it may save your life):

    paulsgodblog.blogspot.com

    Do not rely on mortal relationships, but on immortal love.

    From Pastor Paul

  • Robert

    I've read most of your comments and I'm ashamed that a man would treat a woman like that. Nevertheless, I'm more ashamed that I've been allowing myself to be treated like that. I'm a big guy, fun loving, innocent, and way to easy going, who has self esteem, but finds himself in a abusive relationship. I have one of the most masculine jobs out there, people's lives are left into my hands. My problem is that my fiance believes that she can treat me how she wants, push me around, throw things at me, and tell me some horrible things, and I just take it. A couple of times I pushed her to get out of my face and to get out of the room, and she falls to the floor and starts crying like she's the one who is getting hurt. My job is such that I can't afford any kind of negative publicity, certainly can't go to jail. I would lose my career. I feel like if I try to defend myself, because I'm a guy, I will go to jail for DV, so I take it. I take the punishment. She threatens to go to my job, to call my job and embarrass me, to make my life miserable, like I do to hers. I really feel like it's my word against hers. I really am a gentle giant, who would'nt hurt a fly, but what can I do.....The other day, my buddy texted me that he got fitted for a tux and liked the color, and that it reminded him of the color of suit I wore to my homecoming dance some 15 years ago. I smiled cause leave it up to him to remember the color. My fiance asked who texted me and got extremely upset that I smiled about the text. That I was reminising about the past and about a past relationship. She went completely nuts, almost like a kid throwing a temper tantrum. she was getting ready for her bridal shower and started crying saying she hated me, that I ruined her day, her bridal shower, the one day she was looking forward to. That she will make sure she ruins my days at work. I found myself apologizing for smiling at the text. I'm sorry I smiled, it was more for my friend remembering the color of my suit then me thinking about the past. I still don't know what I did wrong. I had to apologize cause my family, her family and friends were going to the shower. She didn't want to go, but I didn't want to be embarrassed by her not going to the shower. I still don't know what I did. I have a bruise on my arm from her hitting me. I feel trapped cause alot of money has gone into this wedding and I pray everyday (literally) that God will help me.......She wants to have a child right away, but I'm afraid to let my child see me treated like this. I've been threatened that she will go to my job, cause problems for me at work, and I seriously don't know how to get out of this without getting hurt. She comments that I should show her how to shoot my gun, but I feel like she would use it on me. She watches all those dateline and lifetime shows, where the wife kills the husband, and I feel like that could be me someday. I pray everyday for help.....Sorry for the not short comment.

  • ----

    dont worry about the money that you have put into the wedding, dont marry her if it is really that bad. It will be a lot easier to get out now then five years down the road with a kid or two. If you get out now you will only be losing some money. If you marry her, you will be losing part of your life, part of your happiness, and she will always be part of your life if you have kids together. I really wish that someone would have stoped me. My family tried to but I ran away from home when I was 17 with this guy. I married him and have two kids with him. I want out, but am just to scared to. I know when people say "just leave", it's not that easy, I understand, that is what I am going through every day. The only happiness that I have is he works out of town four days a week, when he comes home those three days I don't see much of him, he's out with his loser friends and single women doing who knows what. But do it now, it will be a lot harder when you have more invested into it like kids. If I just walked away back then I would have never had to see him again, now if I stay or not I will always have him in my life. If you stay it will just get worse, why not give yourself a starting chance, why go into something that you know is going to be trouble. If I would have completely knew what I was getting into, I would have walked away, but right now as it stands, I am told on a weekly basis how embarressing I am, how stupid and worhtless, he's not physical anymore after his family saw the bruises, just even more mental. I don't know if you will listen, but I hope that you do. Run as fast as you can now or you will regret it. It's better than having someone spit on the floor then tell you to clean it up, if you don't do it you know whats going to happen.

  • Miranda Lollis

    In reading through the comments here, I have seen several in which the victim is somehow being blamed for the terror that a PREDATOR has subjected them to.

    To all of you who are in an abusive relationship right now, please, please understand this. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are NOT selfish, or lazy, or co-dependent, or just unwilling to take control of your life.

    YOUR ONLY "CRIME" IS THAT YOU WERE FOOLED BY, AND FELL FOR, A PREDATOR.

    Once that happened, you left yourself vulnerable. You trusted this person. (This is normal and necessary for the development of a HEALTHY relationship. It is the death knell for an abusive one. But you didn't realize that you were in an abusive relationship. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU TRUSTED THIS PERSON.) Because you trust them NOT to hurt you, once they "turn" on you, and start calling you names and making you feel unworthy and stupid, the natural reaction is to look inside of yourself to see what YOU'VE done wrong to deserve this. You are not stupid for doing this. You are doing what THOUSANDS of other victims have done and will continue to do. IT IS A NATURAL, HUMAN REACTION.

    But you've done nothing wrong. Okay? YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG. The abuser has a plan of action to keep you dependent upon him. And he follows it to an almost pathetic degree of predictability. This was his intention from the start. There is nothing about YOU that caused him to be this way. He was this way before you and he will be this way after you. PERIOD.

    The reason he is this way is because he has developed a false persona that he portrays to the world, because in reality, he loathes himself. He feels that the "real" him is nothing. And he will do whatever it takes to keep other people from seeing the "real" him. The person who enters into an intimate relationship with him is an immediate threat to him, because that is the one person who runs the risk of seeing and exposing the "real" him.

    Yet, he needs this person in his life because he has to have someone to project all of his self-loathing onto. (And that's partly what he's doing when he calls you all those horrible names. He doesn't feel this away about you, he feels this way about HIMSELF. The other reason for this behavior is to break you down and make you dependent upon him so that you will not leave him).

    Because he feels that he needs you, but FEARS you (due to the risk of exposure that you represent) he regards you as the enemy. And has from the beginning. And nothing you can do or say will ever, EVER change that.

    Regardless of the self-hatred that they feel, there is NOT a lost, confused little boy hiding inside the man that terrorizes you, keeps on you edge, hits you, spits on you, calls you names, or makes you feel worthless, AND THEN BLAMES YOU FOR IT. This is a sociopathic, narcissistic predator. (The sooner you understand that, the sooner you have reached the point at which you can finally walk away for good).

    Part of what causes the traumatic bonding that we feel towards people who abuse us is that we feel sorry for the person who does it. They tell us that they had a horrible childhood. That their mom and/or dad abused them. They convince you that THEY have been victims of someone or something (or EVERYTHING) their whole lives. The empathy that we feel for this person has a profound effect on our inability to leave them.

    Another thing the abuser does that has a devastating effect on your mental state is that he isn't bad all the time. There are good times mixed in with the bad.

    He doesn't do this becuase he is confused. This is a brilliant tactic that all nariccisists use. What he's essentially doing is dangling a carrot right in front of you, showing you how "good" things "could" be. It's HOPE. He's giving you hope.

    (If you want to understand just how profound something as simple as hope can be, think about POW's. Or Jews who survived the concentration camps under Hitler. Or someone who is wrongfully convicted for murder and sentenced to life in prison. Sometimes hope is all we have to get us through horrific situations.)

    It takes time to get through the mental process that leads you away from the abuser for the final time. It's as if you have see his horrible, abusive side enough times to finally get you over that pity and hope hump. Factor into that the fact that you are afraid of what he will do when you leave, worry about the kids, and financial dependence, (all VERY legitimate fears, by the way) and it's a wonder we get out at all.

    So please, please do not let your friends, or family, or FAKES like this Richard person (or anyone else) here convince you that you are part of the problem. Your friends and family mean well (I hope!!) but they don't understand. Do not listen to them or let them gult trip you for not leaving when they think you should. You have enough on your shoulders. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BEAR THE BURDEN OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS.

    He will not change. Not for you, or for anyone else. You WILL, over time, remember your strength, and when the time is right you will use that strength to get away from him.

    In the meantime, you are NOT nothing. You are NOT weak. You are NOT selfish.

    You ARE a survivor.

    (Anyone who needs to vent further can email me. I've been there, and will always lend an ear. mirandalollis@yahoo.com)

  • Anonymous-53

    i am a working male in an abusive relationship from a stay at home mother we have one daughter together. i thought this article would help me instead reading the first paragraph i noticed it was against males. I not only females deal with abusive relationships it would have been heplfull if your headline read Why Do Women Stay In Abusive Relationships .

  • Anonymous-54

    Although it seems that men are most often guilty of abuse, as I have seen here today, it is not always so. Further I am also one who has just left an abusive relationship. I do feel stupid for not only stepping into it, but allowing the manipulation to control me in almost taking over my finances completely, causing me to loose lots of money to her, causing lots of pain and lots of grief. No matter what I did, I was wrong. Even in leaving I am wrong. We got married a month ago and trying to finalize a divorce has too been hard. I just found out she has a criminal record which gives me the chance for an annulment, but based on the laws would also make it where any of the money that I put into the relationship would then be a gift and not due back like it would be if we kept the relationship as a valid marriage. But I walked finally. It wasnt long, but it was a tough relationship. I wish all you men and women who endure such grief the best at getting away. Dont forget that you are a good person and dont deserve to be treated as anything less. There is no excuse for you to endure violence, threats, and mental or physical abuse. Walk away and realize all your earthly possessions can be replaced, even your job if necessary. There is no reason to stay and no reason to endure such a life. He (She) wont change if he (she) hasnt already. Its a vicious cycle and you dont deserve to go through it. The honeymoon gets shorter and shorter each time until there is barely a makup at all. At that point it is really hard to get away.

  • Richard

    I would to add a comment to "Don't Stay", I do agree with a lot you shared with us, however I would like to add that once you have made the decision to leave, you must seek help. "It takes a village to raise a child." I was strong enough to get help and I am forever grateful to my counselors.

    When I was going through my process of healing a friend of mine share this comment, "Richard you have been in living in a F#@%-up world for nine years, you don't know what's normal anymore." I would have to agree with that but looking back I did the best that I could do, I was in love and I thought my actions and feelings were normal in keeping my family together and safe. When the day came when I confronted my wife at the time for peace, harmony and counseling for both us to make it better, she chose to take the easy way out and left.

    I went through being a victim to having so called friend say it was all my fault, etc. I now realize that I did nothing wrong, it was not my choice for my wife to think of me being weak because I loved her, granted she most likely lost respect for me when she started to lie, go out and party and cheat on me and I did nothing. As they say, "Damn if you do and damn if you don't." Once I began to wake up to my marriage that it was a marriage of convince and that my wife was treating me like a roommate, this is when I made the decision to do something for me. I started to ask questions to myself, why I was allowing myself to be married to someone that cannot commit to her family, her husband and herself, the fault did not lie in her but in me for enabling this type of behavior. Once I took ownership and became accountable I started to become the man I've always wanted to be. I was no longer a "Yes man" who allowed everyone to walk over me, I am now a man with boundaries with feelings of love, that refuses to change who I really am, a big difference with me now is that I have boundaries and I no longer try to change anyone's opinion of how they see me or try to get them to like me, I am who I am, all I want is love and respect from my family and friends, which is all I wish for everyone because I now respect and love myself.

    I once heard this phrase, "When GOD gives you a gift, he wraps around a problem, the bigger the gift, the bigger the problem." My gift was that I was able to see and take back ownership of my soul. I am a loving and caring man and now that I have been awaken to what I was suppressing during my marriage to an abuser, I will never look back, I will just keep moving forward.

    Richard.

  • Anonymous-55

    I am reading these comments and it's amazing that we are all in the same relationship. I just left mine but all the characteristics of the abuser are the same. And no one understands unless they have been through it. They are the most charming, romantic, charismatic people in the beginning. Also alcohol seems to be a common theme. I am not hearing a lot of people talk about what happens once you leave. Thats when it gets worse! I am in fear right now that he will show up wherever I am and now he is angry because he thinks I am making him look bad and its true they are narcissistic. They care very much about their public image and don't want to look like the bad guy. I am debating on getting a restraining order right now. Do I definately have to? Well anyway, it takes courage to leave and if you haven't gotten the courage yet just read all the common themes in these stories. It doesn't change.

  • depressed Please help me

    I am so glad I found this forum. My Fiance and I have just split a month ago..It is only now I am realizing how abusive he was...part of me still doubts it was abuse..IS THIS NORMAL?

    He would buy me expensive presents take me to amazing restaurants and holidays...the proposal was incredible (almost over the top) yet he threatened to hit my 6 year old child, constantly was on his case about even the littlest thing (tidying toys, washing hands..my son is very clean so no need for that). He would be verbally abusive about my weight (even though everybody says I am very attractive and I am a small UK size 12...toned) He would say I look 'ridiculous' in certain outfits and never apologies. He would ignore me for days on end, sleep with his back towards me then suddenly 'snap out of it' and all would be fine...we'd go to a fancy romantic restaurant and I'd forgive him. Then a few days later it would start all over again...He frequently spoke down to me often short answers 'yep' 'nope' He was immaculately clean in his own home but when he moved in with me he didn't lift a finger and would say 'my mum did it so what's your problem? are you fed up with keeping house?' When I am very clean and did everything (shoppping, cooking cleaning, making breakfast packed lunch and dinner) he would then say ...don't do dinner then, don't make my lunch, I don't want NOTHING..

    He was tight with money but would give me presents

    He said he was saving for the wedding but I never felt it would happen...I knew we wouldn't make it deep down but I held on as I love him and remembered all of the nice things about him.

    When I finally stood up to him (verbally) and told him a few home truths he left, he took everything out of my house meticulously...cups, washing up bowl, towels...these were his things...but he was moving back into his parents so didnt even need them. He still continues to blame me for the break up.

    Says he's in a mess without me, loves me but can't come back becasue we can't get on...It is him that is hard to get on with though....I am a lover not a fighter.

    During sex he would call me fu**ing bi**h and bite me...I told him I didn't like that...the name calling stopped for a while but he liked to hurt me during sex. I love sex and I am not a prude but if yuo ask someone not to do something cause it hurts they should stop right?

    I haven't eaten hardly at all in the last month, find it difficult ot get out of bed. He brought Christmas presents around on chritsmas eve and almost broke down but is adamant he isn't coming back. I ma confused as I want him back but think he isnt good for me...there is so much more stuff...i feel ashamed to write it all down.. I dread it if he ever read this as I know he'd really have a go at me.

    What do I do?

    Should I cease all communications with him?

  • Richard

    Hi, first of all I would like to say thank to you for having the strength and courage to reach out and ask for help, however your journey has just begun!

    Your ex is a perfect example of an abuser, you cannot change him, nor did you do anything wrong. So stop blaming him or yourself, I know this may be difficult however once I got to a point in my life and did not blame anyone, my healing process started to soar. I became accountable for myself, I cannot change anyone in this world, however I do have power over myself, my thoughts and actions. I want to be happy, that's it, that's all.

    Consider yourself very lucky as you did not marry this person as the wounds be even deeper.

    My advice (remember you will hear advice from everyone so please take mine with a grain a salt, only you can help yourself) is to seek out a counselor, you need to clear your head, your emotions and let a neutral person tell you like it is! You were in an abusive relationship, period.

    Please surround yourself with a loving support group to help you with your healing, you will find out who really are your friends during this period. During my process I discovered so many of my so called friends and family were really abusers in disguised, which is why I was attracted to an abuser in the first place. I wish them all well and no longer have them in my life nor my daughter's lives.

    I did discover something interesting, people that were telling me that I was wrong for standing up for myself and getting help, etc., were all abusers themselves. Only an abuser will tell someone with boundaries that what they are doing is wrong, why? Because they can see that they are losing control of you and they don't like this, hence they want to keep control and to see someone they use to control, makes them feel uncomfortable so it's easier for them to put you in your place so they don’t have to look at themselves, these people know that they are abusers and want nothing to do with changing themselves nor anyone around them. Reality is perception and they don’t want to change this, nor do they want anyone in their environment to change this.

    We are all mirror reflections of others, when someone says something negative about you they are really speaking about themselves. On that note, my ex-wife, my ex-mother in law, sister, so called friends were all saying bad things about me, well guess what, "I don't care", which most likely pisses them off.

    Do not empower an abuser, empower yourself! My thoughts and prayers go out to you, you can move forward, you can become the person you want to be and most important, you can be in loving relationship and marriage you've always dreamed of and deserve! Just start believing in yourself and the rest will follow!!!

    "God helps those, who helps themselves." No more sitting on the fence, make a choice for your son and even more important for yourself, get help!

    All best to you and please remember you are not alone, you can and will get through this!

    Richard.

  • ROSE

    I feel like i'm not comfortable with my relationship especially at this time of my early trimester pregnancy, i feel i don't have enough support from my partner for the words he's always throwing to me instead of sitting down together planning for the baby. i feel really bad that i would cry and he would make it as if it's joke when i'm saying i'm not feeling well, he would ignore and not help by nothing like cooking or helping out cleaning the house or make me feeling comfortable and supported, he'll just take a shower and leave me alone every morning when i'nm ciming from a nite duty since he does not work at the moment.

    He's got his own place because i asked him several times to leave me since our relationship was just a misery not love: aguerments of every minute and horrible attitude to stay without talking to each other in the same house but he wont stay in his flat he keeps coming to mine and upsad me, because he wont help out even when anything runs out of the house he would rather disappear and come back to sleep on my bed quietly that he wont leave me coz he loves but i feel he's using me or keeping me for something i don't khw why.

  • Anonymous-56

    Dear Rose,

    I can feel your vulnerability through your words. I understand how you are feeling...especially as you are pregnant. What I will say to you is that our instincts are usually right. If you can find it within yourself the best thing to do is to take action. Do this quietly so that he is unaware that you are getting stronger ( as he will try to drag you down and break you) and if you don't feel you are getting the support you need then stop supporting him ( do this any way as he dowsn't deserve that treatment and you will need the money when baby comes ). When your baby comes you will also need all the energy for your baby and for you...happy mummy's make happy babies! He sounds very spoilt and i'm guessing the woman in his life have let him get away with not doing much to help out...he might just need a wake up call. Failing that you could actually be better off without him. Even if that thought terrifies you right now...just consider how much happier, stress free you could be and what lovely kind of man you could attract in your life....when that time is right.

    Look after YOU...that is good! Not only because you are pregnant but also because only you can do this....he certainly isn't doing what he should be doing and being stronger and nuturing you will give you the tools and energy to give this to baby....take care and rub that lovely bump!

    xx N

  • Anonymous-57

    I am a very successful business woman. I make a six digit salary and am abused. I work, take care of the kids, pay all the bills, do all of the household work. Often only getting 5 hours sleep at most do to all the responsibilities.

    I think nobody knows. But am beginning to think they see right through the facade..... embarrassing. Calls at work all day, vicious verbal abuse when I am traveling for work.

    He on the other hand is unemployed (has been large majority of the last 6 years we have been together) Completely unstable in every way possible.

    He literally is homeless and has nobody if I leave, nothing....nothing to lose either as I have been told on numerous occasions.

    I have moved several times. Nothing worked. I was weak and let him in.

    I want to move out of state, disappear, re-start but my children do not want to move. They want to finish school, sports, etc. with their friends. Last time we tried my family convinced me to return and of course I was weak and stupid. Back to square one.

    Not sure I can take another day. I am verbally abused relentlessly for hours only to be told the next day. "Do you think I would really hurt you?"

    I have been punched in the head, dragged, kicked, choked, and bruised. He is verbally aggressive with the kids and our dog.

    If I dont hand him my cash card upon demand, he will take it or do what he has to do physically. Ok, now I can't pay the water bill or whatever. @#$%

    It goes through phases.

    Question is...should I stay because my children's world will be turned upside down and they are doing well (friends, sports, school, socially)? THEY ARE MY WORLD! Curse him for doing this to them when they are so happy outside of his crap.

    Leave my career of 11 years with no certainty of financial stability?

    Leave my kids to finish the school year, then come back to get them (?) Dangerous in my opinion...leaves a trail.

    Let my credit go to hell as he forced me to buy him a car which of course I pay the payment/insurance/etc, on.

    He tells me to send him to jail, leave or shut up if I dont plan on doing anything. But that whenever he gets out he will ensure anybody that I know if not me will pay dire consequences.

    I have no friends that I can do anything with, I am constantly accused of cheating, he monitors my money, he spends my money, he comes and goes as he pleases, he always has woman friends, he acts like a drug addict or psychopath (beginning to think maybe both). Our life has no stability. Dont know how long I can keep making it better around here. Dont know if I am crazy. People say just call the police...hmmm they let him out last time and I will be dead before they can help me...I am certain of that.

    He says give him money and he will go away. I believe he will but if he knows where I am he will come back and I will accept him. Cycle starts again....even if it is a 6 month break.

    He has almost punched my daughter twice for her trying to save me in the midst of violence.

    All I do is plan, plan, plan. I am tired, wore down, beginning to think I am crazy, this is not my life.

    People say that I should just stay and tell him to leave and call the police if he does not. STUPID PEOPLE. They really believe the law/system will save me. Idiots!

    If it were just me I would be gone. I hate that I ever let him in our lives!

    Disrupt my kids whole lives of which they may never forgive me and may end up screwed up royally....or stay and god knows what..hope for the best. Will it ever really end? Will he really do something worse?

    I am extremely paranoid about posting anything. Can somebody track me and report me for living this @#$@% lie and my kids situation? Will my IP address be tracked? I have nobody to talk to about this. I feel I am wasting away.......

    If I go talk to somebody professionally they will do something with worse consequences as they do believe the system works for victims. AGAIN IDIOTS!

    GO and risk it all for life or STAY and stop over-reacting???

    WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?

    HELP ME!

  • hopeful

    my sister has suffered for 14 years at the hands of an abuser. I have not been silent about it the rest of the family has stayed silent. Now my sister won't even talk to me she is not allowed. The abuser has done everything to isolate her from everyone. It brakes my heart that I can't help her and she won't help herself. for all of you out there that are staying in an abusive relationship, you have no idea what pain this causes your family and friends. There is help and you deserve better than this.

    blessings

  • Anonymous-58

    I'm sobbing. I want to die. for the first time in my life. I'm a miserable human being. i let people abuse me. i want to fix them. i am not pretty anymore my hair has fallen out i havnt slept an di can't eat. i am a magnet for abusers everywhere i am the target. no one ever listens to me in real life about things that are imiportant. if someone else said tem the would listen. my ex bf of 6 months ago caused me to fail out of school. he wuldn't let me clean my room or do my laundry. if i tell him i'm going to o something after we say goodbye, he can't help himself and he will call back 5 minutes later. I have to get out of this relationship. i have tried 8 times. he keeps pulling me in. i was in another abusive relationship 8 years ago when i was in highschool. this had such an impact on me. I had no idea that this guy got so mad at me. i thought he loved me as much as i love and care about him. The weird part is, the more someone needs me, the more i love them. this really is heart breaking. i want to die but i would never do that because of my family. i really don't see the f un in life. i could never ever raise children because i would wonder if i loved them enough or have clear boundaries for them because i also have innattentive adhd that was just diagnosed three years ago. this breaks my heart. I miss the baby i was once... but now i think that I had a psychological problem even as a baby. i am wortheless. heart breaking.

  • Evylin

    There are no adequet words to describe how horrible of a man my father is. I'm 17 and all I can remember from my childhood is anger and screaming and everyone getting broken by that son of a bi**h. In my family of six, (mum, father, two older sisters and a younger brother) I was the only one who wasn't broken by his hands. Oh no. I was "daddy's little angel." The thought of ever calling him "daddy" sickens me.

    He and my mum were married for nine years. They divorced when I was 8, and since then he has pursued us relentlessly. My older sisters moved out, went to go live with their dad so they wouldn't have to live in constant terror anymore. I don't remember much from those years, only my mom's fear and mine and Aaron's lack of understanding of the situation. If we didn't tell my father what he wanted to hear, he would hurt Aaron. His own son, just barely out of first grade. If we didn't tell mum what she needed to know, she would cry and cry. Our days were ruled by fear.

    Almost three years ago, I saw my father willingly for the last time. It was Father's day. He was drunk when he came to pick Aaron and I up (late) and was yelling, bitching (as always) about how evil and manipulative my mother was, how it was her fault that there was global warning, yadda yadda yad. +rolls eyes+
    By the time the visit was over, i was nearly hysterical. I haven't gone to visit my father since, despite the fact that he now lives 15 minutes away by car. Aaron still sees him. The kid wants to go live with him because he's angry with my mum. Mad that because "dearest daddy" won't pull his weight. Mad that mum has a boyfriend (who I can say with pleasure that he is nothing like my father). Mad because the house has been foreclosed on and we have to leave. So right now my father looks like "Super dad."

    Recently, my mum and I came home and we noticed a dead female duck by our driveway. We thought little of it at the time, that maybe neighbor's dog had gone wild at the nearby pond and her mistress (with whom we were feuding with) had sought to dispose of it on our property instead (because she's so charming).

    But something occurred to us earlier this evening. A while back, before my parents had divorced, a mumma squirrel had gotten into the garage and my father had drowned her and her little ones in a barrel in our yard (which is completely and utterly SICK on som many levels). A few years after, the summer they got divorced, my mom had found the cage. With the mummified squirrel. In the flowerbed where Aaron and I had always played.

    So now we're scared. Is anyone familiar with the term, "You're a dead duck"? I don't think that it's just us being paranoid. The police are useless. The county court system is useless. The only way we can live in peace is if that son of a bi**h keels over and dies.

    How wrong is it that the man's daughter wants him dead so badly?

  • Mary

    As I read each comment all I can say is WOW. I grew up in an abusive home. My father beat my mom for years almost on a daily basis and to this day they are still married. The physical abuse has stopped the emotional/psychological abuse is still going strong(on both parts). Domestic violence is a vicious cycle. For those of you raising children in an abusive home please leave and seek help. Children who grow up in abusive homes are a million times more likely to repeat these behaviors. Every last one of my siblings and I have been involved in abusive relationships both as the abuser and the abused. I have been at both ends of the spectrum. I was in a 8yr relationships where i was both abuser and the abused. Violence is a learned behavior although not intentional many children who grow up in abusive homes learn to solve their problems with violence. Also often times they become victims of DV themselves. I didnt realize that i was in an abusive relationship until after the birth of my son. My sons father and I had a fight in front of my son. After that i was through. That is not the enviornment I want to raise my son in. I know what its like to grow up in a house like that. I know what its like to call the police on your father because he's beating your mother. I know what its like to look at your mothers face all bloodied and bruised. I also know the fears associated with leaving an abusive relationship, how will i provide for myself and my baby, where will I go, will he come after us, if i leave will he try to take the baby from me 'cause im not financially stable, nobody else will want me, i dont deserve better, it might get better, we should try to work it out for the sake of the baby.................But you know better than anybody else its not gon get better, it only gets worse because by staying we ok the situation, kids should not be raised in abusive homes violence begets violence. YES YOU DESERVE BETTER and NO IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and YES YOU CAN MAKE IT ALONE........YOU ARE STRONG BEAUTIFUL AND WORTHY. THERE ARE ONLY TWO WAYS TO LEAVE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP ONE IS TO WALK AWAY THE OTHER IS IN A BODY BAG. Under no circumstances is any form of abuse acceptable. To those of you involved in an abusive relationship my best advice for you is to leave I know its hard and the world can be cruel but your life is valuable, you deserve better your children deserve better( if you're a parent). Please seek help there are organizations that assist battered woman with housing, jobs, and building self esteem and self worth. Dont allow your abusers to control you anymore dont let them win. I pray that each and everyone of you find peace and refuge, self love and self worth and most of all a safe place where you can live comfortably, grow and prosper........PEACE AND LOVE

  • naomi

    I was overjoyed 7 months ago to start a new relationship with a man I've known for 24 years, since childhood. He is known to me and everyone I know (I live in a small community) as a gentle giant and I felt that I'd finally met someone who would treat me right, not abuse or scare me etc. I'm even friends with one of his ex girlfriends who says that he was a perfect gentleman with her. I started noticing straight away that he was very controlling, everything was ok as long as it was his way. He'd go out of his way to offer me advice on my life but if I didn't carry out his suggestions, he'd get angry or sulk and act very petty. This has now escalated. In 7 months he first kicked me and broke my rib, which was terribly painful for weeks. We were arguing at the time, to be sure, but I didn't feel I deserved to be pushed to the floor and kicked. I've found his temper to be so easy to flare up. These incidents often start with him misunderstanding something that I've said, he will take it wrong and then escalate it and once he gets going it gets worse and worse. The a couple of weeks ago, we were out and had admittedly had quite a lot to drink. He thought that I was 'coming on' to a man, I wasn't. He attacked the man and put him into hospital. I went home and went to bed, locking the door automatically behind me. But I left my keys in the door so when he got back, he couldn't get in. He had to get a ladder and climb into the bathroom. When he got in, he pulled me down the stairs pushed me. I fell and broke my neck and seriously damaged my back, got two black eyes and a face like a horror film. (My neck is a stable fracture and will heal, its C5, and I'm told I was lucky.) He then locked me out with no keys or anyway of getting back to my home. His neighbours cleaned me up and got me a taxi. He has put the blame for this purely with me, saying that if I hadn't been 'coming on' to the man, this never would have happened, and he didn't mean to break my neck. The problem is that he is 6foot 3 and large build and I'm 5foot 4 and a lot smaller. He has told all his friends that it was my fault and a lot of them have posted abuse on my facebook page etc. After not seeing him for two weeks and being determined not to, he sent me a dvd he had made of all our photos with some music on and it broke my heart. I went back to him. That was 10 days ago but he shouts and becomes abusive if I try to talk to him about the incident. He it absolutely convinced that it is my fault. My aunty sent him an email telling him not to touch me again and he was very abusive to her. How can a man who everyone, including me, turn into a monster overnight. I am thinking that it must be me. It seems every relationship I've had has been abusive but I've never been as physically hurt before. He has told all his friends and family that he has forgiven me for trying to be with the other man, and the truth is that I really wasn't. He thinks that I am embarrassed to see his relatives and friends because they think I was trying to be unfaithful, but the truth is I am ashamed that I have let him break my neck and I'm still with him. I love him so much and he is so nice when he is nice. He tries to look after me most of the time and then treats me like something he hates the rest of the time. He says he is scared of me because I am the only person who can make him act like that. I know that I sound pathetic and to be honest, I feel pathetic.

  • Anonymous-59

    Although the violence for me has not escalated to this level. I know what you are going through. I also feel pathetic. My friends are all trying to "save' me, but I just keep feeling sorry for him. Why?? Why?? All logic tells me to run, but something else keeps me there. I'm so confused. All I can say, is seek therapy, friends, anything. And my dear...please run! A broken neck could have been death for you. It won't get better, this much I DO know. I will pray for you and send good energy to a fellow sister who is hurting.

  • SURVIVOR

    Hi everyone who has posted here I have read your stories and I feel very saddened for those who didn't get any replies to their posts, my story is for all of you and to say stay strong and the ultimate goal is to leave your abuser forever...

    I would like you to know that I broke away and that I AM A SURVIVOR and beginning my life again at 45 and trying to make the right choices in people.. You can do it too, its not easy, it is scarey as hell, especially when you leave your abuser or they leave and try to come back around... Even if its a little step at a time to get rid of them, its better to do something than nothing at all hoping things will get better, its more likely that you will eventually end up being killed by your abuser one day maybe infront of your children, or being found by your loved ones in a heap. I went through more than one abusive relationship in my lifetime starting with my grandfather abusing me as my mum used to send me to my grandparents all school holidays up until the age of 12 years old and I was abused all those years. To make matters worse my home life in UK was very unstable, my dad wasn't interested in family life and gave no input that I can remember, except I feared him a lot, as my mum and dad had a very violent relationship and I witnessed much of it as a child from the age of 4 years, they finally split when I was 15years old where they tore the kitchen apart and smashed things and it ended with mum threatening my dad with a knife, my dad left the house for good that night... Over the years I made very poor choices in partners overall, and as I was getting into my late thirties my choices seemed to get worse and my last relationship was by far the worst nightmare. I fell in love unexpectedly with a man of a different culture whilst trying to make a new start in life abroad. This was about living a dream not living a walking mnightmare which it turned into. I had no intention of meeting anyone but just to concentrate on getting my new beginnning together. The aggression and possessive behaviour started first of all when he would make arguments out of nothing or a comment that I had made the day before that I myself could barely remember making this would always be in the middle of the night, sometimes talking to me and waking me up out of my sleep over nothing, as he obviously had been thinking of things he didn't like and started on me. I thought in most cases it was a simple misunderstanding and so I tried to explain things the best I could, as I was really in love and didn't want him to feel disappointed with me over anything, but it was no use he would just get angrier and angrier and I would always in the end have to accept what he was saying was true even if it was a lie, otherwise his anger would get worse. If I would not agree to his version of the story it would enrage him. In the end one day he exploded at home one afternoon and struck me for the first time with a handmirror and then hit me repeatedly and grabbed me by the throat holding me up in the air. I learned very quickly not to answer him back as after he let go of me I told him we were done and for that I got attacked again and had to stay still and quiet until he got over his rage. From there the physical attacks got much worse, once in public as well, few times at home, he then got angry over the slightest comment as I would never shout at him when we had a disagreement. If he started being phycial and hit me I would just go like a limp dummy as I was terrified. My animals showed signs and were all very afraid of him too(I have dogs and they used to cower away from him) Animals are always your best indicator when it comes to people who are nasty. In the end I was beaten twice in a week and raped and it was more than I could take when I was pregnant with our baby (he did not know at the time, I wasn't completely sure I was pregnant) after the last beating in a week he caused me a lot of physical damage and I lost a tooth, he cracked my nose I had a perforated ear drum and lots of other physical injuries, he paniced after the beating in the morning and phoned his friend to pick him up and thankfully he left the house keys. I went to the police but they were not sympathetic really as I am not from this country so I didn't press charges and made a report instead as I was very afraid, and they said they would call him to stay away from me. After that I tried to seek help from friends who turned out not to be real friends and instead I had to start counselling as I live in a foreign country, and had no genuine support network, to get me through. Even though I had known people here for nearly 11 years they turned out to be very unkind and were not friends at all... After one month of leaving the house he started to call me late on a Sunday night and kept phoning me from the early hours he was demanding money and said he would come to my house unless I agreed to meet him, that morning I was panicing and called my counseller and made an appointment to see her that very morning I left my house early as I was very afraid he would come to my house as I live alone in the countryside. I was now also definate I was pregnant and was very confused about everything and what to do. I was on my way to counseller to talk to her about the repeated calls and the pregnancy etc and he showed up on the same road outside my counsellors office as I was waiting for my appointment time that very morning on seeing him I drove off and he threw a large rock at the car in rage as I was driving off in panic of seeing him and the rock completely smashed out the back glass lucky for me it hit the frame too as if it had flown into the car it may have hit me in the back of the head or flown through the front glass as well and may have caused a fatal accident. When he was arrested he denied it was a rock but a bottle. They locked him up for 48hours but after that his lawyer got him out, and the police never followed it up. On that day this happened counsellor was very nice but actually ineffective and was more interested in calling the police and getting him arrested, but I needed desperately to talk to someone about my pregnancy as I was now in total shock and panic and was afraid to keep my baby as the father was so violent and I and my babys future were in terrible longterm danger. My counsellor told me that we must deal with one thing at a time as I blurted out that I was preganant from this abusive man and I couldn't face bringing up my child with him as the father and always having that link with this violent man who will end up killing me and maybe my child. She told me to calm down and was not going to talk with me about it and so I paid her and left my session feeling totally resolved that I must terminate the pregnancy. The country I live in now its illegal to have a termination. But I paniced and did it in the back of a doctors surgery without any anesthetic by the only one doctor who does these things here. I was conscious throughout the traumatic proceedure. It was just horrible and really shocking. I will never get over the guilt either. I never spoke to a so called friend again who I confided in about this desperate episode as instead she kept bringing up my horror abortion by saying to me you did do what was right for you, but I wouldn't have done it I am catholic! After the third time of saying this to me I told her where to go. I found myself very alone and appreciated going home to UK for 3 weeks and getting some proper counselling over my ordeal and going to family planning and going to a special place for couselling to do with the horror abortion. But then I had to come back where I live and I found I was very alone, but slowly I made one or two new friends and things got better. Unfortunately, every now and then I still have to go somewhere where I see the abuser in a public place and he has verbally shouted at me, so I stay out of his way where possible, as he is dangerous. This new beginning of starting a new life in a foreign country started out a disaster and was horrible, desperate and sometimes a sad, lonely and confusing journey not having my close family and people around me who really love and care for me, but as everyday goes by I got a little stronger. I continue along the lines that I must stay safe and keep getting my my life back piece by piece not just for me but for my family too. I'm not saying that I will never be in a relationship again but for now I am leaving men out of my life for the time being as I don't really feel that there is anything a man could offer me that I don't already do for myself to keep me alive and also there isn't anything that a man could say to me where I would feel comfort in what they say, as the trust is gone and I consider men to be potential set backs to where I am going, which is to get me back first. I have also considered that I am just not ready to try again with anyone, not even for a casual relationship, as after the level of abuse was so great over a two year period with all the attacks that it has had an impact of how I think about relationships in general, I have decided not to hang out with those so called friends that I knew as friends before all this happened who didn't support me when I needed them the most... Having to face getting the only friends I had here out of my life after my abusive relationship was like a double whammy at the time I needed some one just one person, but i didn't have anyone here. I am working on the way I relate to my new friends, as I feel like a very different person after my experiences with my abuser.. Right now writing this and posting this on this wall is the beginning to that healing process and to just say please if you relate to what i have written, don't give up, try your best to leave even if you have to leave everything you have, if you live in the UK or USA I think there are great support networks such as this. I had to lose the thing I wanted the most in life to get rid of my abuser forever. The price was very high but I am rid of him and with every day that passes I am getting stronger, moving on and now I have real hope... Remember, never lose hope, I know at the time things seems hopeless to get away from your abuser and the hold they have over you both emotionally, physically and maybe even financially is terrifying but its not going to get any easier if you stay with them... Once you have left little by little things will get better...

  • Sarah

    I have never been in an abusive relationship, one had the potential to and things did turn quite nasty the day I threw him out and left all of his belongings in the street but I guess I have either been very lucky or have just made good choices. I hold rather Feministic views and always need to have the upper hand in relationships, luckily my husband has a lot of respect for my views and is happy to let me run the show and plan for our lives. He is no push over though but has learned over the past 11 years to accept it's my way or the highway. I can only imagine the fear that is felt by people who are in abusive relationships and would be easy for me to advise you to leave them. I had a friend who lived with a man many years ago and he often beat her. She would never listen to myself or our other friend when we gave her advice and only when he stabbed her with near fatal consequences did she leave for good. One day, something will happen that will make you leave, until that day, stay strong, your inner strength will surface. I qualify as a mental health nurse in just 9 months time and am currently researching abusive behaviour, (UK spelling) should any of you wish to contact me then please feel free to send me an email. Sarah x

  • Letricia

    First of all I want to say all of these stories are heartfelt and I can completely relate. Espeically to Mary who wrote a post September 11, 2011, the words you typed are exactly how I feel. I grew up in an abusive home. My mother's husband abused everyone in the house and she is still with him to this day. I know what its like to and the pain is still on my mind everyday. I just wish I could forget and move on but I have to address this if I want to get better. I am only 18, a college freshman and I feel that I am missing out on so much because of the abuse. I swear I just want to forget. Please help

  • Anonymous-60

    i am in an abusive relationship and have been for the past 6 years. i get belittled, brought down, screamed at, ignored, and made fearful more often than not. my abusive relationship has never turned physical, he has never placed a hand on me, but has threatened to destroy my life, get me fired from my job, and wont allow me to see my friends. he says all my friends are whores and i'm one just like them. i dont know why i stay. when things are good theyre not even that good. we have nothing in common and the things he talks about bore me. i pretend to care. our sex life is amazing and our physical chemistry is unlike anyone i've ever been with. i have never been more physically attracted to anyone in my life. maybe thats what keeps me around. i am confused.

    everything turns into a fight. he has admitted that he has an anger problem but often blames me and my actions for his outbursts and threatens

  • Ellen Lammas

    I used to be leave one relationship and jump into another because I thought I wasn't complete unless I was in a partnership.For the last three years for the first time in my life I have been single, and it is amazing,No choosing horrible partners because I was desperate to be part of something-anything. I now, on my own have freedom of choice, I have money, don't need permission. At the moment the thought of having a relatiinship repulses me, but that was because I was so desperate not to be left alone before I went out with really bad people, I know that I must choose better and have a better understanding of a balanced relationship because of this hiatus, I have found out that the best company I have evr kept has been my own.

  • nina boo 21

    Hi my name is nina the reson why i say get out stay out is because it is really hard bein in a bad/abusive relationship i never been in one myself but iv'e seen them plenty of times throurgh family and other friends. The main thing im try to get you guys to understand is the more you take the abuse the worst you feel as a person i have a question for you ladies DO YOU THINK THATS ALL YOUR WORTH? DO YOU THINK YOU CANT DO BETTER? DO YOU THINK THIS IS HOW LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE? think about those questions and then answer them your better than that your better than this Love true love doesn't hurt. When GOD created man kind did he want us to be against eachother or for eachother. In life we want to be treated with respect so my last words to you guys is to get out and stay out please your worth way more than you may know i hope that i helped believe me i know how it is to be lost to be confused to except things you don't have to all i can say is good luck

  • Anonymous-61

    To Sarah who wrote on November 23rd 2011...

    "...I hold quite Feministic views and want to have the upper hand in realtionships...it's my way or the highway....".Well I'm very sorry, but really ...are you for real...? Having such an attitude within a relationship to wards one's partner is another form of abuse and of overstepping someone else's boundaries and not respecting him (her)...

    Having been in an abusivce relationship and being now with a kind respectful man doesn't entitle one to not respect the partner and disregard his (her) needs and wishes...

    I strongly suggest you review you attitude...your partner / husband does not deserve to be treated this way...if you are so dominant, this can onlu mean it comes out of fear of being hurt again and then it's you who should deal with this issue...your partner should not bear the consequences...

    This is my very personal view on this.

    Ignace De Volder, Antwerp, Belgium

  • Anonymous-62

    i've got friends who have been in abusive relationships, to varrying degrees but i've managed to help to the best of my abilities, i have an ex girlfriend who is abused by her ex (from before me) but i try my best to help and so far i have been a good friend, even if i can't change things i'm still here for people to talk to.

    so if anyone here wants to talk to me or wants my help i'll try my best

    - D

    p.s just so everyone knows i'm 15 but that doesn't make me any less helpful

  • Kim

    Abusive relationships are dead end experiences. I know. I was a witness to my mother's abusive marriage. I was abused by her husband, as well. For six years things escalated. They would fight. She would be injured. She would miss work. They would make up. The six years ended abruptly in her death. The last fight proved fatal. No one ever imagines it will happen to them. It does. You just don't allow yourself to foresee it. Even as a 12 year old I foresaw it. It is possible it does happen. Don't let it happen to you. Don't bring your children into this cycle of violence.

  • leesha

    i am two months of away from getting married and i finally decided to call it quits with my fiance today.

    it was so perfect in the beginning. he was such a good looking person and also is a pilot to boot. everyone who knows him keep telling me how nice, decent, generous person he is. i was swept off my feet and after 6 months of dating he proposed to me. we got engaged and thats when everything just came crumbling down.

    He was not working in our home country so the plan was I will move to be with him after we got married. He rented a house for us and occassionally I will come over to visit him. From there he demanded me to buy stuff for our house. From there it should have trigerred me this guy who is earning 3000 times more of my salary is asking me to pay? I do come from a well to do family and my father does support me and many a times I felt he was taking advantage of me. He will ask me to buy expensive gifts for him and say things like well your dad wont say much if you were to spend on your fiance right? the sad part was he never got me anything of equal to what i had bought for him. he also compared myself to other girls he has dated, and how a let down i was. he will belittle and condemn me on almost everything from the way i dress, the way i act, the way i communicate. it came to the point i didnt know how to react or what to do because everything i do is just totally wrong in his eyes. even when i do the things he supposedly wants me to do. i get so confused and dont feel like myself anymore because ive been controlled in such a way. he will call me horrible names and stupid every day and threatened to call off the wedding every single time he gets. it was always me who had to go to him and plead for him to stay.

    not only that he tries to elimate me slowly from my friends and family. i do not have any social network anymore as he deemed it as destructive for marriage couple. family wise he will tell me once im married i am only responsible to him and not my parents. whenever i am out he will want me to constantly check in wherever i go or whatever i do. it became such a pain because if i EVER missed out one single thing and he finds out that will just trigger his rage. this included conversation i had with whoever. whenevr he gets the chance he will go through my phone.

    the physical abuse came shortly after. the first time he hit me was knocking my head because i forgotten something relatively small. the second time he hit me was because i walked away while we were arguing as it got very heated. he took a pillow and just pounded me really hard and slapped me a couple of times, telling me how rude i was. after that he was accusing me of possibly cheating with other men. which seriously it was not the case at all. i have zero contact with my male counterpart. one day my ex called me and he became paranoid. i answered the phone and told my ex to not call me. he took my phone and pretended to be me to text my ex. after a while i tried to take my phone and then he slapped my face till my nose bleed. he was taken aback from what had happened and become very apologetic about it. for a week he was being really nice to me but then it only took a week for his abusive ways to come back.

    and when all of this was happening all this while he blamed me for making him to turn abusive. telling how he was not like this before and it was my doing and behaviour towards him that made him behave aggresively towards me. i got really scared when he threatened to keep my passport and will not let me use a cell phone once i live with him overseas. the mere fact that i will be totally dependant on him later on just gives me nightmares. even when we are in a long distance relationship he has given me such terror what more living with this person just the two of us in a foreign country?

    at first i was scared to tell my parents as preparations for the wedding are already 70% complete. to my mother he was such a perfect catch. i could not actually mouth out what happened as ive been too traumatized. i just showed them the horrible messages he has sent me and thankfully oh God my parents were supportive. my father took charge by taking my phone and will give me another number. i was to not deal with the process of calling off the wedding, that will be done by my parents.

    this has only been day 1. i hope to have the courage like you guys who have stayed away from mental people like these.

  • DB Counselling

    Excellent topic "Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships? " .... You cleraly stated peoples may abued in several ways such as through verval, physical and emotional etc. Thanks for your great post.

  • Cris

    I'd like to add that I know from experience that the main reason a woman stays so long in an abusive relationship, is because mentally, emotionally, and psychologically she is broken. When something is broken it doesn't run properly. This is true with humans as well. And the more the abuse continues, the more broken the woman gets. It is absolutely imperitive that parents with daughters, raise their daughters to have high self-esteem and self-confidence and self-empowerment. Without these things, a woman is a perfect target for abuse.

  • Anonymous-63

    Children who live in abusive homes, physical, mental or emotional, either become passive/compliant or abusers themselves. I became passive/compliant.

    I developed dissociative behavior to escape my mother's unpredictable, out of control rages. The behavior still plagues me at times (as an adult) depending on a level of stress I might be experiencing. I can still check out, as an adult. It's not practical, but sometimes it is involuntary.

    My childhood bedroom had flowered wallpaper. When my mother was in a full-blown rage, I could disappear into the middle of the flowers. I can't tell you what that safety place looked like...but it felt like a cocoon.

    I've had 8 years of therapy. The adult me understands and has acquired tools to cope with high levels of stress, when it occurs in everyday living. But the frightened child still lurks around in me and every once in a while, she is in charge. We space out (kinda trance-like) and go for a trip into a warm and fuzzy space-zone. I'm 70 years old.

  • Anonymous-63

    I once read a commentary on the back of a self-help book on abusive relationships. I never forgot it.

    "You marry your horror to his horror, you bleed and call it love."

  • Matlale

    I've been a victim of abuse.Am in this relationship for 13 years and we've got two children together. And he started some relationship outside, he started complaining about food and my job that am not coming on the right time anymore and am having an affair at work.He started beating me all the time and I endup sleeping in the hospital but I forgive him and he promise 2 change but he never changed until now, we fight about everything and to him am always wrong nd I am a rubb...shhe said am not good 6or nothing . He always call me all the sorts of names.but today am righting this am tired of this and he said he give me 2 option -ts either I pack my bags and go or live my job forever bcs he always search my fones and he found the so we started 2 fight so I don't no what to do please help me.

  • concerned friend

    Hello, i have read through the comments and yet i still need advice/ i just need to talk about it annonomously

    My friend of 7 years is in an Abusive relationship.

    the things this "man" had done are just.....nasty.

    He tried to throw her hair straightener (turned on) into the bath with her.

    He slammed her fingers in the door, and the most recent that i know of (5 months ago)

    He flipped out and threw a tv at her, punched her, kicked her, and spiral fractured her ankle =( im gettting a little teary whilst typing this (apologies)

    to make it even worse she lives 3 states away and over water (Australia)

    I have tried to be supportive, i have tried to offer advice, ive been mindful to not run him into the ground as i've read that wont help. i dont know what to do to help her ='(

    i myself was in an abusive relationship when i was 17. He was more mentally abusive, which still is NOT ok, but i put up with it for a while. One night he started ranting on that i'd been cheating etc and that he was going to make me pay! he tried hitting me (he was/is 6ft 6" i am 5ft 7") thankfully he missed, as he is not a small fella, he tried hitting me again, But i got him first (i seem to have no flight mechanism, only fight) I hit him hard and acurate and told him we were done. Never spoke to him again. Ive also been in a few other mentally abusive/physically abusive relationships, but ive always realised and left.

    sorry to rant on, but im a little upset/hurt/confused and so many more emotions.

    I guess my main questions are:

    1. HOW CAN I HELP MY FRIEND before its too late.

    and 2. Why was it so easy for me to leave....but she cant? :/ , i know everyone is different....but yeah.....if someone makes you feel bad...you get rid of them.