Emotional Coping And Divorce

  1. Emotional Coping
  2. Methods for Coping with Emotion

Coping with Divorce

Divorce is generally a stressful and unsettling event. At minimum, a major relationship is ending, all sorts of routines are upset, and in the midst of the stress of transition there are legal hoops to jump through before things can be resolved. Add in the volatile emotions that are frequently associated with divorce and you have a difficult situation indeed. In this section, we will talk about practical ways that divorcing people can cope with and make the best of their stressful circumstances.
Coping with Divorce

There are really two sides to the divorce process; the human emotional side and the formal legal side. Different coping strategies and skills are appropriate to address each of these aspects of divorce.

Emotional Coping

Divorce can trigger all sorts of unsettling, uncomfortable and frightening feelings, thoughts and emotions, including grief, loneliness, depression, despair, guilt, frustration, anxiety, anger, and devastation, to name a few. There is frequently sadness and grief at the thought of the end of a significant relationship. There can be fear at the Woman depressedprospect of being single again, possibly for a long time (or even forever), and with having to cope with changed financial, living and social circumstances. There can be anger at a partner's stubborn obstinacy and pettiness, abuse, or outright betrayal. There can be guilt over perceived failures to have made the relationship work. There can be overwhelming depression at the thought of the seeming impossibility of being able to cope with all the changes that are required. Any and all of these emotions are enough to make people miserable, and to find them wanting to cry at 3am in the morning.

Painful as they are, these sorts of emotions are generally natural grief-related reactions to a very difficult life-altering situation. Though there is no 'cure' for these feelings, there are some good and healthy ways to cope with them so as to suffer as little as possible, and to gain in wisdom, compassion and strength from having gone through the experience. The emotional coping process starts with allowing one's self the freedom to grieve and ends with moving on with one's life.

Allow grieving to occur

Grief is a natural human reaction to loss. Grief is not a simple emotion itself, but rather is an instinctual emotional process that can invoke all sorts of emotional reactions as it runs its course. The grief process tends to unfold in predictable patterns. Most commonly, people move back and forth between a shocked, numb state characterized by denial, depression, and/or minimization of the importance of the loss, and outraged anger, fear, and vulnerability. The dialog between numb and upset continues over time Man depressedas the person emotionally digests the nature of the loss. Ultimately, enough time passes that the loss comes to be thought of as something that happened in the past, and that is not a part of day-to-day life. Grief doesn't so much go away as it becomes irrelevant after a while.

Fighting grief is often counterproductive. Most of the time it is best to allow yourself to grieve in the ways that come naturally to you, at least part of the time. Eventually life comes back to 'normal' and the intensity of loss retreats. Different people take different amounts of time to go through their grief process and express their grief with different intensities of emotion. The amount of time people spend grieving depends on their personalities, and on the nature of their losses. Someone whose marriage was betrayed might take a longer time to work out their grief and to do it in a more vocal way than someone who chose to leave a marriage of their own accord. Someone who found out suddenly about their spouses' affair might grieve differently than someone who has watched their marriage deteriorate for years.

It is not realistic that grief over a lost marriage should be worked out in a month or even several months. Most people will continue to deal with the emotional ramifications of loss for many months, sometimes even several years. Several years is a long time, however; really too long to spend exclusively grieving when life is so short. People who find that grief has not for the most part abated after 12 months have gone by are strongly urged to seek the assistance of a professional therapist.

Choosing to move forward

While grief can be immobilizing at first, after a while, most grieving people find that, little by little, they are ready to move on with their lives. For a time, they may find themselves moving on and grieving at the same time. Over time however, if everything goes well, the grieving process loses steam and more energy becomes available for moving on with life. Discussion of the moving forward process is handled in a later section of this document.


Methods for Coping with Emotion

As a practical matter, there are a number of things that people can do to help themselves cope while grieving the loss of a marriage.

Prioritize

Unfortunately, life doesn't stop just because one is hurting. Despite grief, there will be chores that need doing and bills that need paying. There may also be any number of extraordinary tasks that must be accomplished during the transition from married to single person (such as finding an apartment, turning on utilities, changing addresses, etc.) which add to the general stress. Creating a list of such necessary chores can help to reduce their stressful impact on one's life. All chores should be placed on the list in the order of their importance. Starting with the most essential, each chore is then worked through and crossed off the list as it is completed. The simple act of prioritizing and checking off list items helps make sure that all necessary chores get accomplished, and further helps to generate a feeling of control over what might otherwise be experienced as unmanageable demands.

Put Things Away

As soon as it is practical to do so, start living as a single person again. Put old photographs and mementos away where you don't have to look at them all the time. Start paying your own bills and handling those aspects of life that your ex-spouse used to do for you. Limit your contact with your ex-spouse. In general, do what you can to confidently look forward towards the future, rather than backwards at your divorce.

Talk About It

Many grieving people find that their suffering is somewhat lessened when they are able to share their hurt feelings with a sympathetic audience. For this reason, it is often helpful for grieving people to tell trusted family and friends that they are getting divorced, and to request assistance from these trusted people as they are able to offer it. Finding someone who can and will listen and allow one to vent their hurt emotions and fears and offer comforting advice often proves very helpful. Not everyone is a good listener, however, and those who are will have lives of their own and may get fatigued over time, especially if one'sComforting a friendgrief process is not brought under control. Some friendships might also prove too fragile to survive one's divorce and will be lost in spite of best efforts. It is best to use judgment when deciding with whom to share, how much to share, and how often to share so as not to overly fatigue one's supports.

If existing supports prove inadequate, other support opportunities can be created by attending support groups or by working with a professional therapist.

Support groups are self-help meetings attended by people going through the same sorts of circumstances. Generally sponsored by community centers and religious institutions, divorce support groups provide a face-to-face forum where people in different stages of adjustment to their divorce come together to educate and support one another.

Online divorce support groups are also available 24 hours a day on the Internet, offering a less personal, but more accessible support format. One caveat with regard to online support forums is that they can be plagued by 'trolls' - people who are there to insult and ridicule legitimate members. Keep your thickest skin and sense of humor handy when using online supports.

Psychotherapy and counseling can also be excellent options for obtaining divorce support. A qualified therapist is a trained and empathic listener with an expert understanding of how divorce affects and changes lives. He or she will be able to provide a safe place where the divorcing person can vent their emotions and talk about their fears, especially those feelings that are too private and intense to talk about elsewhere. He or she will also be able to provide expert guidance on managing stress, grief, and self-defeating thoughts, remaining an effective parent to your children, and rebuilding an effective life in the aftermath of divorce. The 'chemistry' between therapist and client is important. It is often a good idea to interview one or more therapists prior to committing to work with any particular one so as to find one who feels safe and best appears to offer appropriate guidance.

Support Yourself

In addition to seeking support and guidance from others, there are also good ways you can help yourself to cope.

Maintaining (or starting) healthy routines is a primary means of self-support that frequently gets overlooked. Divorce is a stressful time of change, and many of the good habits one has formed to help maintain health can be lost in the shuffle. At a personal level, making time to exercise regularly, get enough sleep, and eat regular healthy meals can help to preserve health and reduce the effects of stress. Keeping select important pre-divorce family routines intact (such as eating together as a family, or attending religious services) is also advisable as this continuity can be a comfort to all.man meditating

Keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings as you go through your adjustment to being divorced can provide many benefits. Most pressingly, journaling allows a further outlet for emotional upset. Describing pain and the difficult situations being coped with in writing helps one to gain a better grip and perspective on those emotions and situations, both in each immediate situation described (it feels good to purge pent up feelings), and also across time as growth and movement become apparent. Journaling is cheap, requiring only a notebook and a pen, and can be done at any time of day or night, making it an ideal self-help strategy.

Distraction. Sometimes it's not enough to write or talk about how one is feeling. In such situations, being ready and able to distract one's self can be helpful. Watching a television show or movie, reading a book, surfing the net, exercising, cleaning the house, organizing files, and other attention-demanding tasks and chores can get one's mind away from painful feelings that otherwise might drag out into depression. It is helpful to prepare in advance a list of what needs doing, and to get copies of compelling books and other media handy so that when distraction is needed, it will be easy to pick something healthy or worth doing with which to distract one's self. Although television is always available, it is not necessarily the healthiest or more edifying choice.

Self-soothing. Divorced people are often wounded people, and wounded people need to be gentle and compassionate with themselves while they heal. Treating yourself to a few comforting and healing experiences you might not otherwise allow yourself can be in order. Massage, relaxation routines, a long bath or hot shower, or a plate of one's favorite food can help produce relaxation, calmness and a sense of being cared for, all of which can be balm for a bruised soul. Religious, yoga and meditation retreats, vacations, and similar excursions can have a similar effect. So long as finances allow and healthy routines do not get bent too much, such comforts and small extravagances can help smooth the healing process.

Explore Dormant Interests

In divorce, one door slams shut, and people tend to spend a lot of time adjusting to that closure. What they come to see after a while, however, is that when one door closes, others open. Divorce is thus a beginning as well as an ending, and a perfect opportunity to explore new interests. Finding one or more causes, clubs, fields, hobbies or projects one is interested in (and wants to work in/on) is beneficial in a number of ways. New interests capture attention and bring it into the present, away from a focus on the past. In so doing, they help people to start thinking of themselves as explorers and decision-makers and not simply as victims of circumstances outside their control. Exploring interests can make you happy and also help you to make new friends.

Avoid Dangerous and Self-Defeating Coping Behavior

Divorcing people are often wounded people, and wounded people sometimes hurt so much that it clouds their judgment. When one is hurting, one can be tempted to do most anything that promises to remove the pain. The problem is that some solutions for removing pain work well in the short term, but can be dangerous in the medium and long terms. Failure to use judgment in deciding how one will cope with emotional hurt can result in negative, sometimes severely negative, outcomes:

  • Avoid using drugs or alcohol or gambling or promiscuous sexuality as a means of coping with pain or loneliness
  • Avoid diving into a new intimate relationship just because you're lonely
  • Avoid acting on angry impulses you might have towards your ex-spouse
  • Avoid stalking your ex-spouse
  • Avoid cultivating revenge fantasies involving your ex-spouse. Your successful life post-divorce will be your best revenge
  • Avoid making large decisions for a while after your divorce (divorce arrangements notwithstanding).
Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    I was separated for 13 months until my divorce was final, and remarried 3 months later. My new husband provided a certain degree of protection against my emotionally abusive and manipulating ex husband, who had dumped me and my four year old daughter on his family and behaved like an irresponsible frat boy for over 2 years. I had no family to lean on, he took us out of our house and didn't support us financially until he filed for divorce, and was forced to. Now 2 months into my new marriage, I feel regret. It was almost impossible for me to regain stability as a single person emotionally and financially. Even with all the terrible things he did to purposely destroy our marriage, I still have feelings for him that are affecting my ability to open up to my new husband. Will it ever get easier?

  • Mark

    You did not deserve to be hurt and abused in any way no matter what you were like, you need to realize that you deserve to be loved and that your ex-husband has some serious problems to deal with...this is evident in the way that he treated you and your child...you are not there to figure out his problems and not there you be abused in any manner let go and know that you deserve to be loved I hope your new spouse is supportive…if you believe in God you should know this that you are loved and accepted just the way you are.

  • Sherry Brooks

    I know just how this person feels,..I too was abused by my Husband of 14 years. I TOO, "still" am in love with him!! I know he has some issues, but what about the man I fell in love with?? HE'S STILL THE SAME MAN. There's so many emotions we go through, BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER. My Husband come from a background of drinking, parents fighting, and Grand-Parents,DIVORCE of parents,...etc. Sometimes it affects people, sometimes not. My Husband was also hurt on the job in 1999, and substained a back injury. He had alot of problems with his back, and took several different types of PAIN killers to relieve the pain. It didnt take long for his body to adjust to the meds, and soon, it took more and more to relieve the pain. That led to drinking, more pain meds, and smoking pot,...(anything to help the pain) ,....and by now, the addition of the "High". He would be so messed up, I'd have to call 911 to hurry and get him to the hospital before he died of overdose. This happened more than once. He changed,...became a total different person. He yelled, screamed at me, and oh the mood swings when he ran out of something. I begged him to get help, and a few times, without his meaning to, was put into rehab for overdoseing, or attempted sucide. I miss him, (the old person I knew) the man I loved more than life itself.I dont know if I will ever be able to find that kind of love again. He helped raise my children from a previous marriage, and LOVED my children as his own. They always called him, their second daddy. They say TIME heals all wounds,....I'm still waiting.

  • Zo Mbelle

    I seem to be grieving for too long. I've been divorced for over a year and I had been the one who filed for it. The main reasons for the divorce were that I and my husband had been very loving, caring and sharing a lot of common things for almost 15 years. Whoever we met would comment how much we complement each other. My husband got a job outside of the country, where I also joined him with the children, but I was not working. He changed drastically and became intolerant and undermining me. I tried to hold on to the marriage until I realised I was beginning to believe what he was saying about me. Although I was not happy to leave him behind, he insisted that I leave and go look for a job in our country where he would join us later. Once I was in our original country I began to be very angry with the way he treated me when I was not working. We squabbled all the time over the telephone. By the time he rejoined us in our country, he had totally lost interest in me. All in all, I felt betrayed, abused and then discarded. While I have rebuilt my life and continue to do so, I realise that I miss our life and that the divorce has affected our children a lot. He stays with someone now, whereas I am unable to form a relationship. It is as if I do not want to be in a relationship anymore. But I feel lonely, depressed. Sometimes I wish I was already 60 yrs old so that I am closer to death. I guess I also am jealous of his seemingly stable life. I want to move on but I am failing. Please advise!!!!!!

  • CAD

    My husband of 14 years walked out on me and the kids. He was working on an Island for 2 years while I lived on a next one with the kids. He was a loving father and husband. He changed without me seeing it. He admitted to one affair and I found out about a next one. I became depressed to the point of suicide. I did not take care of my children. I am getting help with a therapist. He still comes by. I still message him on his phone. I want to stop. He made the choice to end our marriage. I need to move on. I have come a long way from the depression. but I believe I am in denial. everytime he comes by. I hope he is moving back in. How do I accept my marriage is over. and what do I do now.

  • Besweet

    My husband and I were together for 25 years married for almost 22 years. He turned 50, did not get a promotion at work, became depressed, and started an emotional affair with a woman employee( 12 years younger). This woman caught her own husband cheating on her. So my husband fell "in love" with her, then moved out. The very same week I buried my mother. He was never truthful to me. I was patient, and tried to give him room. We"dated" became close as friends. He insisted that he did not have an affair with this woman. But at the same time wanted a legal separation. We are in the process of a legal separation. I believe he is having a Midlife Crisis. He has lost weight, changed his clothing attire, bought a new car and now refuses to talk with me. His family also has a few immediate members with bipolar disease. We had a great marriage.Great communication. Maybe intimacy and sex could have been better. We never really fought but had civil disagreements in which we worked out. He now bike rides-mountain biker. I believe he is having an affair with a different woman now. He asked the first woman to marry him and she turned him down and told him they are just friends-and maybe not friends anymore. I read all this in am email that I was not supposed to see. I never saw this coming. He is searching for something. I am hurt, my children are hurt. I am in therapy but still grieving. I wished we could work this out. Our marriage therapist thought that "something" was not right about my husband. What a great loss. He was my best friend! Life goes on. and so will I. but I never saw this coming. What do you think?

  • Anonymous-2

    My husband and I were married for 2 1/2 wonderful years. To make a long story short, I was unfaithful and he told me to leave. It has been 3 months since our separation, and the pain is still in my heart. I've already tried talking to him about working on our marriage, and I have begged him to forgive me, but he won't. I need him in my life, and I still love him very much. What should I do? Does anyone know what might be going through his mind? Help!

  • NIKKI

    ME AND MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN TOGETHER FOR 8 YEARS AND MARRIED FOR 3. WE HAVE HAD A LOT OF UPS AND DOWNS BUT HE ALWAYS HAS TRYED TO GIVE ME THE WORLD. AFTER 2 YEARS OF MARRIAGE I CHEATED ON HIM AND I ONLY WISH I COULD TAKE IT BACK. I LOVE MY HUSBAND WITH ALL MY HEART. I TOLD HIM TO GET OUT AND HE DID AND LATER FOUN D OUT ABOUT HE CHEATING AND DOESN'T WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT. I HAVE TRYRD EVERYTHING AND I'M ALL OUT OF IDEAS. CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

  • bettina

    Eight weeks ago, after an 11 year relationship, 7 years of which we were married, my husband quite out of the blue told me that he didn't want children and hadn't loved me for years. There were no warning signs although I have analysed every possibility. He is not having an affair and sees himself as single, living in a flat in London ,putting his energies into his work. Five years ago he wanted to move away from London because he hated it so much! He wants out of the relationship and of our home immediately.He just wants to walk away with as little discussion as possible. I've attempted to talk and suggested counselling/Relate but he's not interested.I've now had to leave our house because it's so unbearable, to live with my parents.If he is so determined wouldn't you think he would have moved out as soon as he had made up his mind? I'm trying to cope with his bizarre behaviour and his emotional shut down.I have no understanding of what has gone wrong. Many people have suggested a mid life crisis but this doesn't really help me move on.Where to? Is it normal for a marriage to break up at such speed? I can't just fall out of love so quickly but he keeps telling me that it's him and not me and that Im going to have to stop loving him.Easier said than done!

  • Lindsay Middleton

    My husband and I met in college and within 3 months of dating decided that we wanted to get married. A week later we also found out that we were pregnant. After 3 years of denying that he had a problem with alchohol and that he was also not supporting his family, I moved out with our 3 year old son. I felt completely distant from him after being completely devoted to him and our marriage for nearly 3 years. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. We've been separated for just over a year, and our divorce date is in October. He has since quit drinking and has even forgiven me for dating someone after we were separated and still wants me back. Until just recently he has seemed to start giving up on me. Even though I am in another relationship, I love him so much and am afraid that I will never get over this hurt and pain. I cry all the time. I miss him, but at the same time not sure if I can trust him not hurt us again. My boyfriend is very loving and I feel safe with him, but I know that I will never love him the same way I love my husband. Should I give my husband a second chance before it's really too late? I'm dying here.

  • Anonymous-3

    Ive seen the inside of being completly shameless when it came to loving my husband. After 11 years and 5 children, he filed for a divorce and it devestated the very heart in me. I saw it coming and tried in my own way to head it off, but to no avail. I knew to try and heal me and so I looked at me first and I saw so many things unkind about me and I carried this guilt like a handbag day in and day out for months while my need to have this same consideration returned, as a oversized cloak around my neck. Only to watch him duck and run and search for more reasons to continue going. Reasons by the way didnt involve his reflection a need. And of course, I internalized every thing he said about me untill I finally, at last I analyzed what he brought to this table. And remembered the neglectful and uninvolved heart that I had looked over for many years. He amazingly and yet guess sort of predictably moved quickly on to another serious relationship, with his secretary....and needless to say sent me into another whirlwind of emotions... questions and finally concerns. These day I reminding myself that I simply refuse to convet unforgiveness although the absoluteness of it seems like an act that I play out alone. Forgive both of them is what I demand my heart. Ive searched my heart and found many unkind things about me and balanced it out with what I felt he brought to the table. I think forgiving me is much harder than forgiving him even though were equally faulty. What I didnt really want to ever learn is that Sometimes Making a mends is going the seperate direction and letting God sort out the rest.

  • wendy

    I cannot seem to get rid of all the hurt my husband has left me with. It's been nearly 3 years now.hI loved him so much but he ripped my self-esteem apart throughout all the years he was with me, pushing me away and wanting me to tell him to go. He put me down with so many comments about the way I am and I now hate myself so much. he has found another woman-so easy for a man isn't it? We have two sons-one with severe disabilities and I am so stressed and weakened with the caring. I feel so low, have no interest in anything and wake each morning in great pain. What have I done to do deserve this? I am on anti-depressants and have had counselling but the pain and memories get mor intense. I fear I might die of a broken heart. I dread spending the rest of my life on my own and thinking of him so happy with someone who is probablyu all that I'm not. I am crucified with all this and he cares not a jot.

  • Jackie

    I left my soon to be ex-husband in March of this year. When we met I was 17 yrs old and he was 18 yr old. We married 3 yrs later. I kick myself for getting married to him knowing that he had an alcohol addiction. We were together for 12yrs. I am still awaiting papers in the mail. I think that it has been so hard for me (even though I left) because we were together as kids. So much reminds me of when we were together. And sometimes I can be so angry at him and then there are times where I just miss his friendship. I am getting over the fact that I felt like I was being punished by God for leaving the marriage. I had a good friend tell me something that made a lot of since to me and helped me cope a little better for leaving him. I would ofcoarse think back to the wedding day when I said "till death do us part" Well, in my eyes the marriage was dead. I was feeling dead before I left. It has been 3 months now and I still cry but mostly thinking back on our friendship. I also cry because I know that I hurt him deeply. He loved me very much and I left. But mostly I am angry too. There are more angry days then sad days. He was sober 9 months before I left. I know he was trying, but, the damage was already done and I could not get past that. Know matter how much I tryed. I didnt want to kiss him anymore. The love was gone.. I am sitting her hoping that someone will read this and see the side that I am on. I will always love him in my own way.

  • Carmen

    I've been married for 10yrs 3 children 5yr and 10yr twin boys. When I met my husband 12 yrs ago and the way he felt about me how he adored me how every one would tell me how much thsi man loves me. if you told me that he would ever leave me I would of probably cut off my right hand thats how sure I was about his love for me. Sure life hasn't been easy at times but nomatter the problems of money, which is what he is telling me the reason he is leaving me and that He dosen't love me anymore . Can someone explain to me how when you build a life with someone how you can just fail out of love without trying to go for help or counseling of any kind. He has always considered himself Mr. Perfect and as the years have gone by I always have had he on a pedestal he was my knight in shining armour who did come into my life and seemed to be the one to take away all the pain that I knew growing up with a verbally & physically abusive alcoholic dad. But I always thought that I would be ok cause I never wanted to drink like him and didn't marry an alcoholic. I do blame myself unmercifly for not go to get help or counseling for issues from my past because my husband always put me down for it . But part of me was so scare to go back to that time and place and I guess i wish He would of said listen I love you so much please go get help I will go with you but he never did you see I'm his 2nd marriage and claims iin his first marriage he tried it and it didn't work and he says itsa all b-s--t.I guess I should of known better than 2 except that he would love me enough to at least really be there for me! I know that I have messed up with the bills at home but i also Know that I loved this man so much and have totally changed myself and my life to prove to him how much I even let him relocate me for Nj to fl when my twins were only 6mons. Pickup and left for his career in law enforcement because I believed with all my heart and soul that he only wanted the very best for me and if it meant leaving my whole family behaind I did it. And now 10yrs later He I am faced with the unthinkable and alonely that I feel that I could die but I can't because my children need me is what my mom keeps telling me but I feel so bad and like Im such a failer that how can I be good for these precious children I know that for so many yrs my husband has consently pointed out all my mistakes no matter how much I did or took on it really wasnt ever good enough. I think that he may have found himself someone better and as ms. perfect for him I ask him tells me Im crazy and there's noelse but that sick feeling tells me differently I have started she a therapist and therapist tells me a man who has invessted 12yrs 10yrs of marriage 3 beautiful healthy children dosen't just walk away without at least trying to get some kind of help she tells me there is either someone else or he wants to be free to pursue that someelse I guess I find out someday right now He's being very slick and careful and wants to divorce me to be financially free but still what me to sleep with him says I still finds my extremely attract. Yes, I made the mistake of sleeping with him hoping he'll change his mind & realize what a mistake his making but he has not after we make love he start to get all sentimental tell me how sorry he is to do this to me at His wrong to mess with my head like this but he cant help himself mind you He left our house moved out but when he comes to see the kids he sees me and the more I push him away and tell him I not going to go from being his wife to o being his w---e. Its like a sick game he's playing at my expense I just wish I could leave and go so far away back home to NJ I know I would have the support I need there. He is an only child brought up by a very controlling Cuba mother who spoiled him something awful that his own father has been heard to say that the mother has ruined his son He is not like father wants he's dad to always bail them out of his financial debt and I believe that know that dad sick of bailing him out . I better file for divorce get rid of me and kids tell his dad I financially draining him. This way daddy will still take care of him I guess 42 yr old man. whats wrong with me to know all this but still love him enough to still want him? Can somebody please help me to think straight I have no selfesteem left. I am so scare to be alone and not have some to love me or take care of me I never have been on my own I went from my parents home to his. Don't know what is to really be completely on my own. I wish that I could find the strength to except this for once and move on I pray to God for his strength to help me let go and have his will because I know this is not mine therefore it must be that God has a better plan for me but I just can't see it......or understand it. I guess I would be more excepting if I knew that we both gave it our all and if it still didn't work then maybe it would not hurt so much but the fact that he dosen't want to try kills me and the fact that He says left me makes me think I so messed up nobody will ever want me ....I pain is so great and unbearable to think that I dedicated my entire marriage and all the hopes and dreams that now will never be makes me wish that God should just take me . And maybe Everybody will be better off withme. Im so scare please someone help me to fiond a way to cope.

  • Anonymous-4

    After being maried nearly 11 years, my husband has now decided he needs to leave me, he says I have made him miserable, and now he's a changed man and wants a free life, I am so hurt, I love him so much as I did the day we married, he was always a lovely lovely man whom would do anything for me and the kids. I'm finding it so hard since he left only 5 days ago, I stupidly took pills, as its all my fault for being so possesive over the years, I feel like my life cannot go on even though I have 2 lovely children aged 8 & 9. I am a really bad parent as all I do is cry and beg their dad to come home, he said if he comes back he will be unhappy. I can't beleive anyone can leave their family and life they have built over the years and think they will be happier. I have begged him to come back and told him I will do anything for him and he can have the life of freedom to do what he wants when he wants as long as he comes home to his family. I love him so much and cannot see life getting any better, I hate myself so much and cant see me ever being happy again. I have loads of support from family and friends but I feel they are sick of me crying and winging all the time, they do not understand what I am going through and how I am feeling. I see the doctor regularly and i'm on prozac, but feel this does not help. I am waiting for an appointment with a councillor, is it just me, can life get better? please help!!!

  • Areya

    Your emotions stirred me up pretty strongly Jackie. I asked my husband to leave few hours ago and he just packed up with a few necessities and left. He was crying and so was I. We hugged for the longest time and then I opened the door for him. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in life. I am also pregnant, 8 months along with our second baby. No one outside our marriage has a clue. We seem so promising to all. Married for almost 6 years. I have completed school,bought our first home together, have a baby boy and a baby girl on the way. But in all this time, I have always had to be the responsible adult in the marriage. I wanted a partner and never had one. Sure had a friendship though. That is what I would miss the most. He was fun to be with. We never seperated even for a single night through our marriage but as long as I carried out the responsibility chores in the marriage, all was fine. I worked full-time, went to school full-time and was pregnant and nursed and raised a baby all at once. He would not even keep a job, or finish school with passing grades. He loves to cook for me, throw nice parties, serenade me with songs but not care enough to take part in some responsibilities. There is more to this but I am hurting bad. I know he loves me and I know I can continue having my man love me till end of time if i did not burden him with wanting to have a job or help with finances or with other big and small day to day decisions. He tells me he needs to be better and that he is trying but it never happens. He just finally got a job and has been working past 2 weeks but like Jackie said, the damage has been done. I want us to be good together to raize our kids in the future and that would mean living seperately. I dont think I will find love again or even go seeking it. This is enough. But it hurts to think that when my son is picked up today from daycare who is 2 years old, he is going to ask for his daddy and his daddy is not coming back to live with us again. That he is going to search for him in every single room of our big home and find his traces and I will have to tell him a lie or something that will make him believe that he is not home. I hope I get through this. I have a pregnancy to get through as well and the labor of it. Maybe it will keep me distracted or maybe it will make me hurt more as I will need to get through it alone. But I knew how hard this is going to be but despite that I asked him to leave. I don't have the strength for 2 adutls and 2 kids..I need all I have now to secure the financial future of my kids. I cannot have my husband swiping the card anywhere and everywhere and making me pay for all expenses all the time and not care enough to even let me know. Never follow through on promises he has made in the past to take care of things in a timely manner. I know I am strong and I will be better on my own but it remains that I do love him and there is so much ahead that I need to take care of.

  • jujubee

    I have been married since age 16 of 14 years. My husband has been depressed for 8 years. I have stuck by him through suicide attemps, alchoholism, mood swings, monthly hospital stays and now he is finally getting better through talk therapy and emdr but he now wants to divorce me because of lack of trust and safety. He sais he doesn't love me anymore. I can't stop crying. It's been 6 hours straight. I am tired of all the hurt relationships cause. I love him so much. Now I am 7 months pregnant with our third child and he doesn't even believe it's his. I have not given him any reason to not trust me. One incident when I was 16 when he was away in the Army he lost his trust because I hung out with his best friend when he told me not to. He keeps saying I sleep with other men. I have never cheated on him EVER! He feels he's right because divorce is okay according to GOD if you commit adultery. But I haven't. I have been depressed lately due to his lack of trust. He doesn't hold me or take interest in my pregnancy. I feel alone, angry, hurt and deeply in love. He sais he's filing tomorrow. He sais today the last straw was that I pulled over while driving along the freeway to talk because he was upset that I mentioned he was irritable. Because I made him feel unsafe because he has PTSD and is afraid of the police I put him in danger and use it as control. That is so sick to say that of me. I pulled over because I was angry and needed a second to calm down while driving. Help. How do I rectify this situation. How do I save our marriage.? Is it not worth trying? I love him more than anything. Why can't he be there for me when I'm having prego issues.

  • Anonymous-5

    I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months then a few weeks back he found out his parents were getting a divorce after being together for over 20 sumthin yrs...and he hasnt really been the same hes a teenage boy living with his brother and father now..i know he misses his mother and stuff.and to top it off i am only allowed to see him once a week but yet he can still see his friends during thur-sun how is that fair? he even gets to go to the movies with them and other things ive been sticking by his side and huggin him & letting him cry on my shoulders but inside im hurting too because ever since this has happend i havent got to go anywere with him or see him as much as i used to he doesnt even call me i have to call him and he doesnt talk to me on the computer either so its like i cant see him or talk to him..i know he needs space but i still dont think its right..if anyone could give me advice i really need it because i dont know what im doing anymore

  • dexter

    I've been married for 25 years, quite happily with 4 kids. Two key events have happened that have caused me to review my life and decide that I want to be single. Firstly my sister died about 6 months ago. We weren't close but I still felt that a part of me had been pulled away - like angle weeds when you seperate them, the roots are pulled and all intertwined. Needless to say that hurt. Then, daft as it sounds, I went to a concert, saw a powerful song played live that I've sung for years and it was like a light bulb going on in my head. Since then I've lost 40 pounds in weight, trained up and got myself fit and totally changed. I've told my wife I want to seperate and she has had great trouble accepting this. It's not that I hate here. I hate the fact that I've hurt her. There's no one else in my life, or on the howizon, something which the wife finds very hard to believe. I have just reviewed where I am at and realised that I'm not happy. I've decided where I want to be at and am going to get there. Financially it's stupid, emotionally it's painful but things have to be this way. If things stay as they are then I can never be anything more than comfortably numb inside - and that's not good enough. I hope that this will help explain a little why some people just do what they do. It is selfish but the constraints and demands of someone wanting to keep a relationship going that is dead are just as selfish.

  • Anonymous-6

    To the guy who wrote the August 12 comment...

    You are a really selfish person. You are assuming that your wife would not want to try to redefine your relationship and you are assuming that your wife can't make your life more interesting. You are making an awful lot of assumptions. You can justify what you have done however you can, but the truth remains that you are selfish and wrong.

    You are destroying your family all for your own happiness. It is sad that you can't try to find happiness with your family.

    I feel sorry for you because one day you will regret this decision.

  • Randy

    I read your comment and I know what you are going through. I am going through something similar. I was married for 10 years and my wife decided she wanted a divorce. Its been almost 8 months now and I still cry every night and not one day goes by that I don't think about her. We have three beautiful boys. I miss them more as each day rolls on even though I see them regularly it still hurts to the point of throwing up. She is now with another man and could care less about me. She acts like nothing ever happened. I am still alone and in a lot of pain. Its not easy as you think for a guy to find a woman. Of course this is my own opinion. What woman would want to be with a man who is emotionally messed up? None. Bottom line I may not know exactly what you are feeling or going through but I do feel for you. Your not alone. You will get through this. Just like I will. granted it may take a while but, you will get through this and you will be stronger than you ever imagined emotionally. At least thats what everyone keeps telling me. Keep talking about it get all these feeling of your chest and vent, it may sound wierd but it does help a little and a little is better than none at all. You have to be strong.

  • TIP

    When my husband proposed to me in September of 2005, I said yes with the intentions of not marrying him. We are so different but I know how much he loves me. I have questioned myself why did I move forward with marrying him. I felt like if I broke the engagement poeple would have viewed me as the bad person. I now realize that people do not matter when you really need to do what is best for self. I now contemplate after 10 months of being married WHY? I feel that he does not respect my family and that has always been an issue, I have tried overlooking it. When I think about it it is not about respect but if he is upset with me he does not respond well to them! I have never told my family anything about our relationship but I am sure they have sensed that something is not right. My family and I are very close closer than anything and I have always wanted my husband ( or anyone) to fit in but he does not. THerefore, I do not approve of our marraige let alone wanting to stay in the marriage as a whole. In addition, I am very focus, structured in life/profession, like to be secure about ever move I make where as he is searching, unstable about life/profession and unsecure about change. I knew before we got married that I had reservations and I still ended up marrying him. I guess now I will have to search my heart and mind to see if I really want to stay in this relationship!

  • Anonymous-7

    I was with my ex for 6 years and married for 3 of those and we have a 1.5 year old son. At first he was wonderful, fun, nice, caring, etc. We fell for each other real fast. He moved me into his place within a couple months. Then it started. I knew all these things were happening but never put it all together and I donno why.

    He made me get rid of my cat which was my first mistake. If a man tells you to chose between him and your cat tell him to hit the road. Then he started saying your friends said this and you really shouldn't hang out with them anymore, they're bad for our relationship. Then he started telling me I should tone up my beautiful body and take care of my temple. We moved around a few different places and I took care of him every day and night. He worked and I did every single other thing that needed to be done. He hardly ever offered to help at all. I finally told him I was tired of playing house and either we got married or I would just leave. So stupid me got married. Literally on the honeymoon he started telling me daily to lose weight I'm sick of looking at your fat body and passed out. I always had dreams of a wonderful honeymoon and the wonderful love making. I was never made love to on my honeymoon. He got me a treadmill and would not speak to me until I walked on it for hours every night, then he wouldn't remember that I walked on it at all 10 minutes later and would try to force me to do it again. Then wanted to go to restaurants at 9:00 at night and sit there and eat for several hours while he drank one beer right after another.

    Then he started telling me I was ugly, a waste because I never went to college and don't have a degree, embarassing to take around his friends, wouldn't invite people over because I hadn't scrubbed the house clean enough when it was spotless but it was really because he saw that I was making friends with their wives and he didn't like it. I got an awesome job and started getting all of our bills paid off where we wouldn't owe anything. We couldn't do that with his 6 figure income because he was drinking so much of it away.

    Then I got pregnant out of the blue. He spent the entire pregnancy screaming at me to lose weight and to get rid of all my clothes they were ugly, all my things 'cause it was trash, and I got to the point where I realized I only had one shirt that was originally mine and a trunk that someone had given me years ago for a hope chest and he hated both of them and told me on a regular basis. He started telling me he wanted a divorce daily because I just wasn't good enough for him.

    I was in an accident during the first tri-mester that I didn't know hurt me until after the baby was born. It knocked my hips out of place so then they had through the entire pregnancy to grow that way. I was ordered on bed rest and he started screaming at me to get in the hall and start going through my things to get rid of them. He got mad because I was supposed to be on bed rest and he started throwing the boxes and stuff everywhere. I tried to get up and leave and he grabbed me by the arms and started shaking me over one of our glass desks and screaming at me. I started screaming for him to stop so he finally did. Then I grabbed my phone and sid I'm calling 911. As soon as I said that he took the phone and broke it in half and said call them now. I got mad and threw the phone and he turned completely around to make sure it hit him and said now call them so I can tell them that you hit me with your phone. I didn't know what to do so I just grabbed a few of my personal things and left and went to get a hotel. I called the police department and filed a report which he later threatened if I didn't get it canceled it would leave me and the baby with nothing, here by ourselves, no food, no way to eat or anything 'cause he would lose his job getting in that kind of trouble. I stupidly enough didn't press charges.

    Then he kept me so stressed during the pregnancy that I was in labor and on procardia every 3-4 hours for two months before I had our Son 6 weeks early. He left us in the hospital for a week and only came up there a few times for around an hour then left to go home and drink. I watched all the other Mommies get to take their baby to their rooms and I couldn't so I spent every minute I could stand and keep my eyes open in the NICU next to him while he was under a breathing machine and on tubes and IV's and stuff. The nurse Lucy asked me on the third night if I wanted to hold him and I about died because I hadn't been able to hold him yet. She said you've been standing in here looking at your baby for almost 72 hours straight and you haven't even been able to hold him? She took a picture of me because it was the hardest I had ever cried in my life. My sister found out I was by myself and came from several states away to come be with me. Thank God 'cause I was so miserable. Mothers Day he got to come to my room for the first time. We called my husband over and over to tell him and ask him to come up there. He showed up in the afternoon for a bit then went back home. The next day they said we could go home. We spent the entire morning during all the check out stuff trying to get a hold of my husband to come drive us home. He showed up a few minutes before we were headed out the door and drove us home.

    One night I was at home and changing our baby's diaper. When I finished I was trying to put him in the crib and go wash my hands. He grabbed him out of my hands with his beer in hand and would not let me have him back. He was slurring and walking funny and scaring me to death that he was going to drop our son on the tile floor. I was crying, shaking and screaming as loud as I could to give him back so he wouldn't get hurt. He forced me to wash my hands before he would give him back to me and watched me every second until I was done.

    I talked to an attorney and filed for a divorce as soon as I could. Now I've been fighting him for a divorce over a year and a half and I gave up my home, my vehicle, everything to get away from him and protect my Son. He's done so much stuff to cause two attorneys to drop me 'cause I couldn't afford them and now he has me again with no attorney and is surprisingly ready to sign the papers now with all sorts of rediculous stuff in them. Apparently the only way you can get what you need out of the courts these days is if you have tons of money to pay attorneys to go in and fight it for you. If you don't have the money your ex wins almost anything they want. What a wonderful system our country has huh?

    It's been such a long road and I'm exhausted! Please pray that I can bounce back and be ok and that we are both protected and safe from my ex at all times.

    The wonderful thing that did come out of all of this terrible 2,000+ days is my Son. I love my little boy soooooooooooooooooo much!

  • Anonymous-8

    I have been married for only two months and a a couple of days ago my wife told me that she was not happy and thinks she made a mistake. She feels that I do not respet her family and that she was not sure if this was the right thing. I moved to another city with her so she could start graduate school. Now I find myslef in an apartment with someone who feels they made a mistake. I hane no friends or family around here for support and feel at lost for what to do or how to help her. I love her so much and suggested marriage counseling to see why she is unhappy. I outright asked her if she wanted a divorce and said that she was not sure. I really do not want to loose her. Any women out there who have felt down after a marriage? I read that some women become depressed after the marriage and sometimes feel it was a mistake.

  • Anonymous-9

    My husband and I were together 10 years, married 8. He was so wonderful, charming, beautiful. I found out that he had been having affair after affair. He met a girl that was 2 months out of high school and took her virginity. She had no idea he was married. He met her 6 months after he met me. She even remembers when we bought our home. I talked to her on the phone after finding her # on our phone bill while I was in GA grieving the loss of my grandma. At this point it was 5 years in. I also found cards from his secretary that said things like Happy Birthday, hope your not disappointed that your only getting this card. He denied that until years later when I lied and told him that I took her to lunch while he was out of town. He was with her for about a year. Long story short, she saved personal mail sent to him at his work for a YEAR and mailed it with no return address to my work. It was a bunch of cards that were from his best friend Ray's wife that said things like Merry Xmas wish I could give you more for xmas. I called her, she denied it and then told me that she wasn't proud of the fact that she had been having an emotional affair with him for a year. There was another # on the phone bill, this one denied anything, but I could tell she was lying. His teenager told me that he would call her when he was out of town on business and have phone sex, I assume right after calling me to say good night. I found other cards that said things like Happy Birthday, let's get together for a little business a little fun from a woman that he uses for a temp company called Voit. When I looked into his address book online I found auto additions for screen names like psuedonimph and asia doll. He admitted to having cyber sex too. I had been in counseling forever thinking it was always me. At first my therapist thought he was a sex addict. After talking to collegues she thought that he had narcissistic personality disorder. He took a test and it was true. He told me that his results came out only as average meaning the average person with NPD. He gave me herpes and HPV during all of this and while I cried and thought this was something I contracted years ago and might have given to him he let me suffer knowing all along he had been cheating, at that time I did not know about all of the other stuff. He lied about everything, I mean everything. The sad thing is now we are getting a divorce and I am so lonely. He crushed my soul. It is amazing how a narcissist works. They are truly the best person you can ever be around, but they start to wear down your self esteem until you can hardly stand on your own. He left me with no self esteem and no hope for the future. I am 36 and have no idea how to even begin to put the pieces back together. I am so lonely and depressed. I have no idea how to start to date, I don't even know where to meet people. I was 26 when I met my husband and had no problem meeting men at that point. When I read all of this back to myself it sounds rediculous, if it were my friend I would say OMG get out. But unless you have been with someone with NPD you don't get how they leave you grieving the fantasy that they so made you think you had found. They are so good at turning things around and making you think it is all your fault. He is a saleman which makes him that much worse. He once told me that his job doesn't start until they say no. My therapist asks me all the time what do you love about him? It is not him that I love, it the fake fantasy that he sold me. He lied about stupid things like saying he coached little league before he met me and he volunteered as a Big Brother. Why can't I get over this man? Why do I some how still think that if only I could do something different maybe I could bring out that guy I first met even though I know it was the fake him. People with NPD are the life of the party, they go after what is called a narcissistic supply. They have no self esteem so they look to others to bounce off how wonderful they are. This is one reason all of his victims are young woman who don't know better. Liek the teenager, they had a relationship for 4 years and he never gave her his home # stating that his drug addict sister lived with him and that it would cause problems. Also he is the VP of a manufacturing Co in Cypress, CA and so I never saw any of his personal mail, cell phone bills or had access to his email. I asked him for his password because like Dr Phil says if you have nothing to hide, hide nothing, he never would. Also I only saw his cell phone about 5 times in 10 years and one time I did sneak and look at in and out going calls and he had deleted all of them. Who does this? I forgot to add that while he was taking the virginity of a nice Asian girl he was 35. Well, that is all I have for now. I feel so down that I just had to find some place to vent. I find that my family and friends are trying hard to be supportive, but they don't understand that I just need to talk about the same thing over and over. I am just trying to process. I am depressed and sleeping seems to be what I do most. I just want to know when will I get over this and when will I be able to move on.

    Destroyed by a narcissist.

  • in pain

    I have been in a relationship for ten years and for the last two have been having an emotional affair with someone else. Eventually I decided what I was doing was wrong and hurtful to my partner so I told him and we broke up. He dissappeared for 4 months and then came back with the sole purpose of winning me back. I did move on in the meantime or at least thought I did, I now have some major mixed emotions between wanting to move onto a new life and new partner and wanting to go back to my first love. There were problems in our relationship, he is very unstable and has not held a job for very long. He is also incredibly insecure and has ADD which is very straining in a relationship. He does certainly have some very good qualities, fun, outgoing and everybody that meets him loves him! It seems he is now very dedicated to me and to making his life more stable and wanting to start a family with me. I am torn between giving him the chance everyone in life deserves, or listening to advice and realising things never change and to rather move onto my new interest who has stuck with me through all of this turmoil and pain and is also a very good man. Also scared to go back in time and potentially have to deal with anymore emotional pain as this has all been going on for 6 months now.......... has anybody out there ever had to make a difficult choice that seems impossible? Any advice on how to do it?

  • angela

    Pray to make good decisions and follow your heart. How lucky you are to have found love twice. I have only loved once in my life and I am 40.

  • Stephanie

    I have been married for 3 short years...with my husband for 12 years. We have 2 beautiful girls 11 and 2. In July of last year my husband had an affair with a married co-worker. I found out through text messages, emails etc. He lied to me over and over again even making me feel a fool for having thought he was cheating. When he was caught, he continued to pursue the relationship claiming he didn't know what he wanted and he was trying to figure things out. I read things they wrote to each other that are now forever BURNED into my mind. I wish I could go back and un-know everything I know. I wake up everyday wondering how this could be my life--how did I get here--what went so very wrong? It is like a nightmare that I just cannot wake up from. I loved this man with all my heart and I though for sure we would grow old together. Your dreams are so shattered when betrayal like this happens. It is just unbearable. We are now going throught the steps of the divorce--he moved out about 4 months ago and he is to pick up the divorce papers in fact today!! I just have to keep believing there is some great thing out there for me that will come from this.....

  • Tyson

    I found that my life was turned upside down when I found out that my life with my wife was coming to an end. We were married for what would have been 7 years today(6-01-2008), but I feel so empty inside. She has been having relationships with other men online and on the phone (more than just a friendship). She would get a little to graphic on the phone with them, right in front of me. Every time that she would have a short term relationship, I would be treated like crap. She would say the marriage was over,then when she would end her little flings then she would come crying to me and want to make me feel like I was the only and the best thing in her life. I was a wuss and kept letting it happen. The hardiest part is we have three kids together. when will the pain end. I find my self crying alot and not getting much sleep. I will not drink cause I know that I won't stop, it will just make matters worse.

  • friendsoffriends

    Tyson,

    You wife does not respect herself and this problem is about her issues not you. She has demonstrated lack of self respect and in this you have fallen victum. Please get out and find yourself again. She cant tell you her truth becuase she doesnt seem to know it. What is your truth? What did you love about y ourself before she broke you? dont give her this power any longer. Show her that you are important and value yourself and your children. Take that stand with her and in other aspects of your life. Go do something for yourself. Silly as it sounds a new cologne or haircut or whatever! Do for you and find your truth. Do not let her tear you down in her self distruction. Hang in there and find YOU.

  • Eric Robichaud

    My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have 5 kids. Throughout all the pregnancies there was many ups and downs. I am a recovering addict and have only returned from a life altering relapse, under 3 years ago. But when I came back, I dedicated myself to her and the kids. I would walk through fire for ANY of them. I also am a strong earner but my wife is a strong spender. I often f all into financial problems, b ut always get through them. My wife has been telling me that she wasn't happy with me for a long time...But I would give her money , or time alone and I always cooked and cleaned for her and often watched the children....She has always treated me like a child or an irresponsable father. The one thing that always kept us feeling like we were really TOGETHER was the sex. It was always very strong and passionate. One month ago, she told me that we won't be sleeping together anymore....I can't even say why, because she has not given me any real reason. She has filed for divorce and I feel like my life is over. The pain is over whelming. I can't work, I can't sleep and I get so angry that she seems so happy and self reliant. I pay for her expencive beauty enhancements...WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!! We hardly have the money for it. She seems to be completely unneffected by my pain, even though it effects our abilty to be productive, financially. I asked her to make love, just one more time a couple of weeks ago, just to make sure it wasn't something about me (physically) The sex was extremely pleasurable for her....But after that, she continued her dedication to seperation and divorce. She expects me to function normally and be there for my kids and keep giving her money, to do her hair nails and waxing. I feel so alone and depressed at 40...I never thought that she would do this to me. I have this great fear of dying alone.

    Eric

  • So Tired

    I've sat here and read many of your comments and they make me feel my issues with my husband are petty and stupid. We have been married 9 years and have known each other 12. We met racing sailboats, had a long distance romance and then I got pregnant. We married for the dumbest reason of all (I got preganant) in a situation where we never dealt with any sort of responsibility together during our romance. Heck, he made it plain he was only going to be around long enough to get the money to go on his next adventure--Alaska. Here is a guy who built his whole life as a penniless, nomadic adventruer. More power to him--he was single! He comes from a very nice solid family. He's honest and decent and the greatest friend you'll ever have. Neither of us ever came close to cheating on the other.

    We're now divorcing because I feel I grew up and he never did. I thought married and faced with being a father, he would redirect his energies toward being a provider and solid member of the community. The problem is I am a very strong wage earner and consequently, I feel, he never felt compelled to provide. I've spent the last 10 years supporting him in one business venture after another. He said if I made him go out and get a conventional job, he would divorce me. So meanwhile, he's been making a record setting yearly income of 6000. here and 9000. there while I go to work and bust my a__in a very high stress, time hungry job. We have a 9 yo daughter who I very much want to raise and thus resent the time I must spend away from her working long hours. He treats his work as a hobby with no stress attached to make ends meet. (I pay for everything. He typically makes enough to pay his car payment and daily needs)

    Meanwhile, you would think his inability to make money would bother him enough that he would try to make up for it in other ways such as helping around the house. But no. After I get home from work I must do EVERYTHING around the house including cut the grass, shop, clean--you name it--everything. Literally the only thing I could count on is he would take the trash to the curb. He could care less about how the house looks. He sleeps at odd hours but claims that is because he is an insomniac at night (I don't know cause I'm asleep). He is a highly skilled carpenter but practices with no license, no insurance and apparently no regard for the fact we could lose our house if he gets sued. And, he gets so wrapped up on quality it is of no consequence he never gets paid for it.

    On top of that, he has no care for our house, he never initiates any conversation about our daughter's education, saving for college etc. The long and short of it is he just seems to float along in our lives on the fringe. He certainly avails himself of the perks of the living I provide but doesn't seem to think he plays any role in the cost/work side of the equation. I feel like he's a dependent and not a life partner and that it will never change. I walked around daily pissed off and resentful that he seems to be enjoying a carefree life on my dime and time.

    I hate that our family is breaking up but can't I expect a partner in life--someone who gives me a soft place to fall sometimes? Isn't that how it is supposed to work or am I just being petty and stupid?

  • Rex

    I have been with my wife for 7 yrs, in the early part of our marriage things were a little rocky I talked her into going to marriage counselling with me because i was so devoted to our marriage. We went and for the last 4 yrs things seemed to be ok except for the ocassional argument here and there. Then one day in june of this year she told me that she was no longer in love with me and that she wanted a divorce, I sked to go to marriage counselling again and her response was no if it didnt work out the first time it wont work this time. I kept asking and askin day after day untill she finally gave in and my counsellor who is in our church noticed some strange behaviors in my wife and asked to see her on a one on one basis, my wife did agree to it, before we left our session then two days later she left to out of town and what i found out because she told me was that she partied with some old friends while she was gone and some guy whom i dont know brought her home at 5a.m. in the morning, when she returned on Sunday, she acted really weird and the very next day she dropped the bomb on me and sid she has no plan of going to counselling, i have done all the work in our marriage for the past 5 yrs, I am so upset that a person who i have loved could do this to me and what is really sad is that i have 2 beautiful twin girls who are 4 yrs old, and miss there daddy and mommy toghter there are so many other things to say about what has happend like she has a myspace account puttting her self out there like she is single when she's not.and guys commenting to her on new pics she has up, it's hard goingto church and your sittting alone and she is 3 pwes in front of you acting like everything is ok....I feel so insecure, so scared, lonely i need prayer bad....If you would please pray for me i would greatly apperciate it my e-mail is fsufan4114@sbcglobal.net

  • RJ

    My wife and I have been married for almost three years. We were originally roommates and that led to eventual marriage. Lately, I noticed that she was acting differently towards me. She just didn't seem to have any emotions towards me. So last night, I beared my soul and wrote a three page letter to her, explaining what I was feeling. Today, she said that she wanted to end our marriage. She is extremely stubborn, and would not accept trying counseling. i'm willing to do everything possible to do what I can to make things better and understand her needs. Unfortunately, she already has made up her mind and refuses to even try. What really hurt me, was when she said that she didn't think she loved me anymore...or that she's been feeling the way she has for months now. There is a part of me that knew our marriage wasn't working all along, and unfortunately it got to this point, which I never expected to happen so dramatically. I'll admit, there were times when I wasn't happy, and the same for her. But, I love her with all of my heart, and can't understand why she can't try marriage counseling? I'm really hurt, and confusing matters even more is that she is going to remain living with me as a roommate. I don't know for how long. There is a side of me that is happy about that, because I wouldn't be able to afford things on my own, and deep down...maybe there is a chance we could get back together (which I doubt, from her stubborness). But, on the other hand...living with your eventual ex is going to be very strange. I can't even imagine what would happen if she brought someone over. Another burden on me is that everything bill related is in my name. So the house is mine (I believe), since I'm the only name on it, along with both cars, credit cards, and everything else. I'm just so overwhelmed by everything that has gone down in the past 5 hours. Any advise would be appreciated. There is a part of me that feels like such a failure right now (my emotional side), and a part of me that knows this is for the best, but very confusing when it comes to my immediate future. Every emotion besides happiness is evident right now. I'm hurt, sad, angry, nervous, fearful, etc. Thanks for reading.

  • Jim

    Where do I even start. I came upon this site trying to find comfort for myself since I'm also going through a divorce. My wife announced she was leaving me at Christmas in 2007. We've been together 17 years and married for 11. Anyway,,,,, I don't want to give advice because I don't want to lead anyone in the wrong direction. There are similarities between your situation and mine. I'll give you some thoughts that relate to what I'm doing to get through this. I hope they will help you in some way.

    When it comes down to it people are out for themselves and will do what they want to do even if it means hurting someone else. My wife refused counciling also. If someone feels they are not the problem you won't change their minds. I went in for counciling on my own. My wife told me she doesn't love me any more also. The unfortunate part is that people do fall out of love. I have to accept it. I also knew my marriage wasn't going well at times. I was willing to hang in there but I have to accept that she isn't willing. We tried living together until our house sold but it was too uncomfortable. She moved out. The hurt was crushing but overall I was better off. I also still hope that we can somehow get back together but am prepared to accept that we probably won't. One thing I will say is that, for you, make it clear to your wife that she better not bring any man over. There's a point where you need to stand up for yourself. Please do not feel like a failure. You have done the best you could and the person that didn't see that is probably the failure. I feel all of the emotions you do. Hurt, sad, angry, fear, and all the rest. You're going to go through a grieving process. All of these emotions are ok. They're part of the process. Feel them and do your best to let them pass.

    I've probably gone on too long already RJ. Good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope something I've said will be of comfort.

  • kmk

    After 17 years of marriage...14 years of being a "slave" physically, emotionally, and sexually...now what? I am "starved" for affection of a man. I've met someone but he has made it clear it is just a platonic relationship...I live in a retirement community in the Ozark Mountains in Arkansas. I am 47 years old and the baby of the community...although Bob is my age... I thought I had sexual problems but now my eyes are opened. (I saved my virginity for my husband) It was all him...never in 17 years of marriage did he pleasure me sexually. Now I am sexually "crazy" and so vulnerable. SOS!

  • Anonymous-10

    My husband of almost 5 years recently told me he didn't want to try anymore and wants to end the marriage .We went through a 2 month seperation in april which he initiated after which he came home as if nothing had happened, without so much as an apology. All through the marriage my husband constantly told me that we were not going to work and would threaten to leave me.While we dated we had our fair share of disagreements with a couple of incidents which I think left both of us feeling bitter and insecure ,but we got married any way and had a child, my husband went through a phase where he was heavily into porn and that was the beginning of the end because it left me feeling insecure and ugly,and I began to be paranoid and started being jealous and emotionally wounded.Then the hurt turned to anger and I began to drink heavily and lash out,the stress of trying to be the perfect mom and wife was unbearable.I was home with the kids all day cooking and cleaning taking the kids to practices and whatever,but when he got home I was ignored,he would watch sports all day or be on the computer all night usually watching porn while I was sleep their was no affection or emotional support on his part. He would tell me that I was to"suck it up " if I mentioned that I was burned out from the duties of wife and mother,but would be there to support his female collegues or friends often inviting them out for drinks or dinner when the stress of life was getting to them,i would find text messages from and to females but he never had time for me I felt lonely and like why did I get married in the first place. I never cheated and honestly don't believe he has either.I also believe we truly love each other which is why this hurts so much.His brother also passed away in march and he left me 2 weeks after the funeral, after I was giving everything I had because I knew he was grieving.Ibelieve he is still grieving his brother and is deflecting that onto me. I am so confused I want my marriage but am tired of being married but single. I just want to be happy and feel safe with my husband and feel likehe cares aboutwhat's going on in my life and not have a get over it attitude when it comes to me.He has let his family members treat me with disrespect in my own house,some of his church members have looked on me with scorn and contempt,and he never came to my aid,or showed the world that he wa with me in every sense of the word like a husband is supposed to. Maybe my idea of of what it meant to be a wife was unrealistic. I'm not saying I was perfect but I tried constantly to nurture him and the marriage to no avail. I tried self help books marital advice books,early in the marriage I asked him to go to counseling and he refused. Should I let go or fight for my marrige?

  • Anonymous-11

    Late June of this year, my husband recolated to california from lv,nv for another job..I was to follow in 6 months. Towards the end of July we had still not been able to visit each other due to our work schedules and have been arguing over the phone....mostly about me asking for him to set aside at least 45 minutes in his day to chat with me on the phone, I missed him so much, he saw it as me being selfish for time when he could be resting. He kept saying our marriage is in trouble and he's not happy and for me to consider agreeing to a divorce because that's "what's healthy for us" he said. I thought all this was happening because it was my fault. He swore there was noone else. Aug. 14 I found out that he requested to have our cell phone bills sent to his mom's home address in cal. Since it was under my name I changed it and immediately checked the call details online. That was the day I found out he had been cheating on me with the same girl he had a fling with in Jan. who is now also living in cal. I don't know if they are living together, he turned my inlaws against me so they have not returned any of my calls. I am filing the divorce through a lawyer and not through a paralegal which was his request before I found out about the affair. We have no children or major assets. I do however need help paying the bills which he has not helped with since moving to ca. I don't have any substantial funds for the lawyer fees. Is there anyone out there who has gone through a leagal proceeding with the only request being temporary spousal support? I just want this to be over as soon as possible so I can move on.

  • pyjama

    My wife has been depressed off and on for 6 years, since the birth of our 3rd child. From extreme closeness we would drift apart for one reason or another. And then love eachother very much once again. We have been together since 1990. Over this time the feelings of distance have increased and with them I became upset, worried, jealous. I could no longer lift her spirits the way I once could with a smile or a gentle touch. I learned how at these times to cut off back, and this lead us to the point where she felt no support when she needed it. Dont get me wrong, I loved her very much even then, but found it difficult to show it. In the misguided belief that we would make up again very soon as our love was strong. I was wrong. I had eroded it, so she began to look outside for the support that when she was feeling down was essentially no longer there. Although I felt I had not removed it. Spite. I now feel shame for this. And also grief, as she has decided to divorce me. Devastated because she has hurt me. And I let rage build inside her, so that it burst out and she wanted to kill me. I wish that my jezebel could have heard things I was thinking at those times that we drifted, because i certainly did not hear myself. I wish we could again simply walk up to each other and embrace and close our eyes as we once did, and let the world slip away. I dont know what will happen. If you are reading this, and have hidden things, remember what this fool did... I left out my most dear treasure on a shoreline and let her be washed away. Out of selfishness. I learn. Too late for this wonderful soul. A lesson I will bear for the rest of my days. Sorry my sweestest jezebel.

  • Anonymous-12

    For Jackie's June 28th comment

    OMG you and I are in the same boat, except that my spouse would not stop drinking.....but I too, just did not, could no, t even kiss him anymore....I miss laughing with my friend though..................I was feeling so lonely and now reading your comment and writing back I know that I will be just fine,,,,,Thank you Jackie......

  • Anonymous-13

    im separated and feel everything you guys feel. My husband left in the first place when our business was failing. Went to work one day and got a call he wasnt there, well he disappeared, lots of emotions at that time for all of us, anyway he came back made contact after 2 weeks, decided we needed to move interstate, we all went, didnt want to but were forced, he was always saying that he never got to do the things he wanted, our love was so strong and now that i moved back to our original state he decided to stay where he is to build his business of landscaping and now i find out he has a GF he new of in his course, cant understand whats happend but i presume he is still in his depression as he has never had any material things in life plus its a midlife crisis but i cant do anything just trying to wonder what happend

  • Al

    I believe that I am an over emotional man. I care about people and things very much. And I want everything to be perfect even though I know it cannot be. My parents were divorced when I was 15 and it hurt me very bad. I promised that I would never let that happen to my children. Well... I ended up getting married to a woman that had a daughter. I love that girl so much. We also have another child together. But my wife's daughter ended up losing her father in a snowmobile accident. I told myself I would work even harder to be the best parent ever. Well I found her cheating on me this year... and she moved out. She moved in with this guy and I am just devistated. I bought her everything... houses, cars, etc. I always had good credit... well she left me with all the bills... and I am facing bancruptcy. And she doesn't care. I feel so much like I failed me and my children... especially the girl that lost her father. She has had to deal with so much. My wife seems to mess with my emotions every day. And she threatens me with me never seeing the girl that lost her father. She has been in my life since she just turned two years old... and now she is 11. This just wrecks me. I haven't been myself for so long... and I cannot seem to get over what my wife has done to me and my children. And of course... there are so many things that happen that no one knows... she is just so mean and evil to me. I don't understand. I am on the verge of losing it and don't know what to do. And I am kind of a quiet person so I usually hold everything in... but I cannot take it. Anyways... I just need to get some of this out... and it almost feels good to say it in this post even though no one knows me or the situation. But I am willing to try anything at this point. And good luck to all that are going though same stuff...

  • scott

    I thought I was happily married for the past 8 years. A great step son, a wonderful new son and a wife. I support her in every way raised "our" children together and supported her decision when she had to work 48 miles away. With gas going up we were spending 1300-1600 a month in gas bills so a studio apartment was the option. This lead to my wife having a year long affair which I had no idea of until Friday when she walked in my home and said I am in love with another man. We need a divorce. She maxed out the cards, drained the bank account and expects me to support her now as she was fired from her job because of partying with this guy and drinking. I have also found out she frequents "swinger clubs" passing this man off as her husband, and is also an alcholic. She wants the children to go live with her and her new man and his 4 kids. He has also been arrested 11 times for domestic abuse but never convicted because the witnesses have never showed up. I do not want my children involved with this, but it will kill me inside to tell the woman I have loved for so long she cannot have our children. A lawyer has told me to stand firm and tell her to go. I feel hurt, remorsefull, ashamed, violated, and guilty all at the same time wondering what I did wrong. Any ideas on how to handle this issue as I can't eat, sleep, concentrate or anything at this time?

  • Anton

    First off, like other sites like this I have browsed, I am hugely suprised to find others that were in situations just like mine. My soon-to-be-ex-wife (papers are finalized next week, so legally, we are still married), dropped the bombshell on me last Wednesday (October 1st) that I would be getting a divorce. I hadn't been the best husband in the world, but I am drug free, didn't abuse alcohol, I didn't cheat on her, and I, above all, was a good father. We had been having problems that started years ago, and before a 2 month deployment to the desert, decided to start councelling. While I was gone, she went by herself, and when I returned, we began attending together. It was slow going, but I began to change for the better, and worked a lot on getting out of emotionally destructive patterns. We had said once that we'd give it a year after that, and we'd see where we were. We fought less, and as a couple, I thought things were getting better. Then I got back from a 2 week temporary duty for the military (no, I don't go on these things often, if that's what you are thinking), and the day after she took me out on the premise of going out for coffee. That is when I found out that she had already made arrangements to leave, gotten a lawyer, an apartment, and began outlining the terms that I would see later that week in the temporary order. I was stunned, shocked, and didn't know what to do. I asked her why, and she told me that things weren't getting better quick enough for her, and that she wanted out. For the rest of that week, up until (and I guess a little since then) this past Sunday when she came by to get the last of 'her' things, and hand over the keys to 'our' home (which I was getting, along with the debt for it). I was a wreck. I neither slept nor ate for over 4 days. On Saturday, my boss (a great and supportive guy) had me come into work that morning just to get me away from everything. I told him that I wouldn't be able to make it through the day, and was going over to my parents' (who have also been great) house. He understood and I left. I slept on the spare bed for about 5 hours. The first real sleep I had gotten in days. Thankfully, the kids didn't get to see that since they were at her dad's house that whole weekend to spare them from seeing her move out (they are 3 & 5, and don't really 'get' what's going on). After she walked out for the last time on Sunday, I fell apart in a way I hadn't over the few days prior. I couldn't believe what had just occured. All I have been thinking is "What did I do?" and "Were things really that bad and I just didn't see?" Everyone I spoke to about it who knows us, including her dad and stepmom (who are extremely opposed to her doing this), was completely blindsided. My only response to that was "Oh, you too?" Monday morning came, and I woke up. I decided a few things, and maybe this will help others:

    #1) I didn't do this or want this. She did. I'm not going to be a 'victim.'

    #2) (and I am still coping with this one) It is over. There is nothing I can do to change it. It sucks but life will get better some day.

    #3) I can do this. The whole situation sucks, and I don't have to like it, but I will make it through.

    #4) I will not debase myself and begin abusing drugs or alcohol. I will never put my kids through that.

    The hurt, the lonliness, and the simple fact of not being able to put my boys to sleep except 3 nights a month sometimes gets overwhelming. I have still been able to see my therapist, but it doesn't seem to be helping much, and I don't think it's her fault. Regardless of my forced positive outlook, I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into a hole that I can't seem to be able to reach out of anymore.

  • Jack

    It's great to find a group of people making this situation seem common, and provided sound advice to getting through it.

    In my case, I've been happily married for a decade, came home from work one day, had a nice dinner out with my spouse, and when we got home she said "I want a divorce", no emotion, nothing behind the eyes, or the statement. I thought it was a joke. It became obvious that it wasn't a joke over the coming week, when she said she wanted to file immediately, wanted no counselling (although we'd never had a problem to mention). She got a lawyer, so I had to fall in line and get one for myself. He said he was 99% sure - after 35 years in practice - that this was a case of an "affair", or she would have said quite a bit more about why she wanted the marriage to end so suddenly.

    So, long story short, after two months of deep suffering, questioning everything in my time with her, and wondering how in the world we'd be able to sell our house in this market (which she demanded, and the courts would likely agree with) I started getting guily phone calls and emails from her friends who said she had been having many affairs over the past two years, and had broken up with four separate people. Everyone of these guys was married with kids. I felt like I had been gutshot by an elephant gun. I had no idea who I married. She was never a hugely empathetic person (she would get angry when I was sick with the common cold, and I remember thinking she looked like she did when she returned an item on a warranty claim). Putting her behavior together over time with a friend who is a very skilled psychiatrist, there was little doubt that I had married a clinical case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She can't go empathetically deep on relationships, although she charms everyone she meets. She collects people and relationships and keeps the scam running throughout her marriage. It all started to make sense when her friends told me all the incredibly negative things she had said about me (everything from "he leaves water in the sink" to "bad cook", "terrible writer", "bad lover", "pretends to be better than he is at everything", etc....) I then told all of them what she had said about them - pretty much the exact same list of complaints. She had been playing everyone against the middle (the middle being her, of course). She seduced people, then trashed them to anyone who would listen. Then she'd go back and seduce them again. Everyone thought she was their best friend. Now we all know we were played. Unfortunately, I was played into a nasty divorce, and she's not very happy with my new emotional skill set of being completely detached from her (in an interest for keeping myself away from her power plays and false seductions).

    So, here I sit feeling I have lived for a decade in love with a person I knew nothing about, who did little more than trash me everytime she met someone on the street with whom she could speak. I'm just trashed by this knowledge. I've even honored her memory by having a couple full blown panic attacks when the usual triggers of divorce papers, and bank statements arrive. It's like falling into a black hole, with no ropes to pull yourself out.

    I can't imagine going back into a relationship for a long while, but how can you trust anyone after this nightmare?

    Anyone else out there spending time (or leaving) a Narcissist?

    I sincerely hope not for your sake!

  • J

    I see so many men here who have had the anguish of this year of 2008 hit them too. Divorce. We were married for 6 years and dated 1 year. In the end it was over. She left me telling me she did not love me anymore.

    I raised her son from her first marriage. We could not have kids as she could not anymore. It has devestated the stability of my life. I to don't even know who I am anymore. This started in May and she moved out 2 months ago. Since then I have had so many ups and downs. I never did drugs, alcohol, cheated etc. I stayed true in that sense. I paid all the bills, stretched myself to my limits finanacially. Because she would never contribute to the bills around here. She worked too! But her money went to her horses etc.

    She was never emotionally there for me. Always acted like that was a mental thing to be there for your spouse. She was cold. We didn't even sleep in the same bedroom much anymore when we moved here. Just insensitive.

    I could go on. But I want you others out there to know that you are not alone. Divorce is common sadly.

    This was my first marriage and now first divorce. I to have delt with so much guilt and anguish over it. I have really beat myself up over it.

    Your all in my thoughts.

  • Garry

    after starting a devorce 5 years ago thne having a little girl i razed taken from me by her mother , and looking tofind her for over three month , then all the court proceedings , now waitingfor an apeall , this has been so devastaeing , not only to me but to a woman i meet and suported me emotionally , unfortunatly i found myself falling into all teh pitfalls and rund a relasionship for a wonderfull woman , . god i wish i had worried more about taking better care of me going threw this reather then dealing with stresses on after the other , like being the target at a shooting range

    I am now in counceling ot deal with all the emotion that have come up in me becouse of this , and now one my own , i realized to late this is what i need right now ,, to deal with "me" so nowi an tryingot learn how to make a life again , and how to cope without taking down teh few friends i have , and not life this every second , ther was never a chance to heal , i went from devoce , to another failed relsionship, then to the abduction of my dauther, ther phynacal devastation, and now another failed relsionship all becouse i did not take the time to do what i needed to ,,, well no time like the presnet as they say

  • Anonymous-14

    Well, since my friends have their own lives and are noticeably tired of listening to my sorrows, I decided to look for support groups online and here I am. I can say I feel your pain and I am going through the same agonizing experience as you are.

    Let me start by saying that, for the most part, I was unhappily married for 7 years. We did have good moments and good intentions…However, the lack of companionship and same interests were evident from the beginning, and we ended up growing apart, and I mean, so far apart that I looked back and could not see him anymore. Since we did not enjoy each other’s company, we started going out with our own friends (separately), going on trips separately, (we never cheated on each other though), even TV shows – we did not manage to enjoy one single show together. When we did do things together, a silence and a lack of excitement were always present.

    During the first two years of marriage, when things were not going well, I thought to myself: "This is just a phase, things will get better, we are getting used to each other". Then, I started to realize that things perhaps would not get any better because we just didn’t have the same interests, and we were not compatible. Still – We kept trying and trying and hoping that one day things would improve.

    6 months ago our optimism finally ran out and we decided to separate. Strangely enough I did not see that coming. I thought we would try forever and one day, miraculously, we would manage to make the marriage work. Leaving the house was the worst part. Saying goodbye is SO HARD, even when you are not happy. We both cried and I left. Then, this week I signed the divorce papers and I had an inexplicable breakdown. That piece of paper was the material evidence that it was over. How can this be over? Why couldn’t we make this work? Why didn’t we tried – yet, one more time?

    I know we will heal eventually, and maybe we will then realize that we are both good people, good people that did not work out well in this role of husband and wife. Still So hard to let go!

  • Shan

    I know my marriage is over. He's off cheating on me in another city and knows I am falling apart, but doesn't care to check on me or the kids. This is my whole life. My family was my career and now I will have none. I will be alone. I don't want to live. The pain is too great. How do you survive this period where you either want to die?

  • Anonymous-15

    I'm really sorry you are struggling. I too am going through a divorce. We dated for four years and have been married for tenyears. We have two young children and now my husband has moved in with another woman who is independent, has her own money,is 3 years older than him and no kids! It's a terrible feeling I feel so betrayed. He filed for divorce in July and never consulted with me first nor wanted to go to a marriage counslor. A horrible feeling.

  • Anonymous-16

    I came out here looking for help and feeling like ......for I too am going through a divorce.

    2008 has been a tough year. My Husband walked out in March of this year. He left with hot checks bouncing and no money coming in. I have been disabled for 6 years or better and he had just lost his job. My SSI hadn't yet came through and my long term dissability had run out. I did not know for two and a half weeks that he had lost his job. That is not until the bill checks started to bounce. As I said he left no food in the house no food for our animals and not much money left in savings. I drained the savings account and turned to my mother for assistance. My older children moved in to help keep the utilities paid and some of the bills. In late May my SSI came through and I soon received my back pay. Which according to my dissability insurance policy, the majority of the back pay went to them. However, this was not the first time he had walked out when things were rough. So I paid all the bills current, and continued to let him throw his temper tantrum. In June 2008 I was served divorce papers. DEVASTATED, MADD, allot of emotions. I couldn't beleive what I was reading, he wanted eerything, even the paintings and furnishing that we decorated our home with! So I went and talked with two layers retained one. And basically was told that unless I could prove I could afford to pay for the house and truck I would need to move. I was not due any spousal support in the state of Texas because we had not been married ten years. Out 15 grand, needing to move by August 16, 2008. I tried several avenues to come up empty every time. I curently live with my daughters and son-in-law. It's the best we can do, as the lawyer cost money and my husband....He's let the house go into forclosure, and is just being very difficult to deal with.

    As I said, I came looking for help, when God had already given me the answer. 1 Peter chapter 2. 3 wasn't to bad either.

    Sometimes lifes' not fair and we do not understand the WHYS. But always know that God loves you and is there for you no matter what. And that forgiveness and time heals all wounds. Trust in God for if he closes one door he intends to open another.

    Sincerely, Trina

  • montreal

    Well, I am 25 and have been separated for two years. I was with my ex for 3 yrs in total, we were married for 6 months. I found a new partner after my separation and currently, we live together.

    My ex and I have a friendly relationship, he too found someone else.

    We are going to his lawyers tomorrow to finalize a divorce.

    I left him because I had realized that he wasn't the right man for me. I know, 6 months too late right.

    I grieved and got over it. But just recently I was served with divorce papers * I knew they were coming* But for some reason it hurts. I guess the finalization hurts the most. My current partner is extremely supportive and loving.

    I guess with the reality of the divorce I am filled with alot of doubt. For some reason, it has just hit me lately. I've been feeling completely alone in this process and depressed. I dont know anyone my age who is going threw a divorce. And unlike most, neither me or my ex cheated on each other and we did not have children, so it's a different story.

    I dont know how to explain how I've been feeling lately.

    I feel weird.

    You can out of being married, but you can never get out of being divorced.

    I guess I just feel too young to be going threw all of this, it is alot to cope with.

  • Anonymous-17

    I read all of your comments and I too am struggling with a divorce. I am 43 years old and I have been with my husband for 27 years. We began dating in high shcool when we were both 16. We have been married for 23 years. I thought I was happlily married and I was completely blindsided when my husband told me two months ago that he had been having an affair with a women who was a friend of ours. He does not like to call it an affari because he say they are in love. He said he had not been happy in years and he never had any say in anything we have ever done and the only way we stayed married all that time and was remotely happy for him to do whatever I wanted. I cannot even begin to express how completely and utterly devestated I was. This person is not the man I married. I don't know who he is anymore. He said we needed a seperation that he needed to heal himself and get himself together. He has never asked for a divorce. He has moved into his own apartment and he is still seeing this person so I have no choice but to file for divorce myslef. I cannot continue to stay married to someone who admits another relationship. The divorce is not what I want but he refuses to go to counseling with me and will not give up this other relationship. I am feeling much better now that I was. Ihave passed the mad and angry phase and now am just totally heartbroken and very sad. I have loved this man practically my entire life. I have never been with another man and frankly the thoughts of dating and having a relationship with someone else is terrifying. We have three children who are 21, and twins that are 18. It is hard for me to face the reality of the situation. My life was exactly the way I wanted it to be. We both have good carerrs, we have a nice home, we spent all of our time together. Even he says that our love for each other nor our sex life has anyting to do with what is happening. We have had some financial difficulites in the past but we have alwyas worked thru them and I felt as though we always worked as a team on everything. I don't blame the other woman. She is not the reason for this divorce, but just a condition of the problems my husband has. He made the choice to cheat and the blame cannot be placed anywhere else. So, even though I love this man and probably always will, I am forced to let him go even though it is ripping my heart out. He will not make any commitments. He says he is no good for anyone until he can make things right with himself. He says he can't give me what I want (for him to come home, us to work out what differences we have and recommit to our marriage) and he says he can't give her what she wants (a life with him). He says he is not prepared to do this. I can't wait around for him to decide between us. He has had over three months on his own and he should be able to make some decisions by now. I have talked with my children and they understand that even though they know that I still love him and that I have tried to get him in counsling that he is seeing someone else and that I cannot tolerate. All of our friends and family were completely blindsided just like me. Everyone has said that we were the last couple they would ever had expected to break up. We have alwyas been a vrey loving and affectionate couple. I have decided that it must be part mid-life crises, part issues from his childhood and a few issues with us that have pushed him. He desperately needs conseling for himself. I have done all that I can do to save this marriage therefore divorce is my only other option. I feel like he will regret his decisions one day but it will be too late for us. All I ever wanted was for him to love me and me to love him and for us to grow old together. I am a strong person and I know I will get thru this. I have great friends and family. There are good days and there are bad days and I know it will take a long time for me to get over. It will be so hard to let him go emotionally and even physically for for my own sake I have to. One of my friends sent me the following statement I think it is so true and maybe it will give you all reading a little boost.

    Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't, and believe that God allows everything to happen for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, God just promised it woud be worth it.

    From faith comes resilience. Faith make things possible, but it doesn't make them easy.

    All of you out there take care of yourselves and know your self-worth. Even though it may not seem like it some times life will go on and it will be good again.

  • Anonymous-14

    Please my friends. Be strong. My divorce was finalized today...Somehow it hurts... The material evidence of the end. Please Shan, don't give up life. Nobody is worth this.... You will be happier in a few months and this period will be nothing but sad memory. PLEASE HANG IN THERE..... WE CAN DO THIS....For every door God closes, he opens a new window. WE WILL ALL SURVIVE THIS.

  • Brett

    I will do my best to make my story brief: My ex-wife and I were married for 16 years. We knew each other for now 20 years, half my life. We have two kids. Yeah, I really did love her and I still do. But, she changed! Well, I found out who she really was, that I really did not know her. Things started to unfold after Katrina. She had been living a secret life. I was her loyal, faithful supportive and trusting husband. She had an additional wild side that went out of control. She was having affairs, she left a huge unknown debt to me, all this while she insisted on handling all the bills and finances because she declared that she was better at it than me because I would cancel even cable tv to save some money. Our house was flooded. We lost all our contents, pictures, memories. Our family moved away. She found a new family and remarried three months after the final divorce decree. I turned into a mess. Still am after 2 1/2 years from the separation/divorce. I didn't want it. I guess she did me a favor by leaving me. I know I was too good for her. But now I am so messed up from this that I can't be good for anyone else who really deserves me. I would never cheat. I never did. I never will. She was flaunting the affairs in my face, packing sexy teddies to go away to what she called classes for the weekend and coming back smelling of smoke, while I cared for your two kids in a FEMA trailer. I have taken the path to become more of a Christian while she has become a humanist, she lives for herself. She parties with her adult friends and family on the weekends while I have the kids. I am so lucky to have the kids EVERY weekend. I pay my ex-wife child support because she prefers to show as little income as possible for filing her income taxes so she pays nothing, while the kids have this poor lifestyle. My ex lives in her husband's mother's home. The place is filthy. Her new husband can't even support her OFFICIALLY so he works under the table. He is supposed to be on disability although he plays very hard. They do all kinds of outdoors activities on the weekend. He drinks, smokes, is covered in goth tattoos. There is more but what is the point? It really isn't all that bad. I have been able to get the finances straightened out, so at least I have something to offer. But I don't want to have my net worth cut in half again. I don't want to go through this all over again: I don't want to have my kids taken away from me half of the time and I don't want to have to suppliment someone elses income unless she stays as my wife. I guess I should get use to just being single. This sucks. Being alone. But at least its better than being trapped in a marriage that you think you need to keep while she is spending all your money, maybe stashing some away, giving it away to boyfriends, and cheating on you. There are some very good women out there, not perfect. Why can't we find each other? And if we did, could we really love each other after all this crap we have had to go through? You may change. I may change. Oh, I know we will. Will we change together? Don't know. May never know.

  • Hard to cope

    My husband and I have decided to separate and file for divorce afer 7 years of marriage. I believe we were different people in the beginning of the marriage then who we we've become now. The marriage has been deteriorating for some time so it was bound to unravel. We have drifted apart due to differences in priorities. We don't have any children yet I believe having a family is an essential part of life where as he is more ambitious and therefore career-driven. We have moved several times during our 7 years of marriage including relocating for his career. I believe you need to sacrafice and put your needs aside at times when it comes to your loved one but when you are doing all the giving and don't receive anything in return THAT is when it becomes tough. The company that my husband had relocated to laid him off along with several other employees due to streamling about a year ago. We decided to move back to the city we originally lived to be closer to family since he no longer had a job and he was working from home. During that time period, he was offered an opportunity for employment in a different city about 2 and a half hours away afer we both decided to purchase a condo. He did not make an effort to look for a job in the city that we bought the condo in and decided to move again to advance his career. Although he argued that he did not have a choice if he was to help out with the mortgage. We ended in a situation where we've been living apart for almost a year now. Our living arrangement has taken a toll on our relationship and now we've come to the realization that we need to separate for the sake of our sanity. My husand wishes for me to move there to be with him and rent out the condo although there is no guarantee that he will not get laid off agin. He has stated that there will be no hope for the marriage if I don't move yet I have moved for him several times in the past. He is basically stating that the marriage is over if I don't agree to his decision. We both agreed that the marriage is over and it is to both our benefits if we file for divorce. That decision was made on my B-day 11/22/08. I definitely would not call it a Happy B-day.

  • AD

    I was married for 13 years before we divorced (August 2008) and being an independant woman, I thought I could cope with being single. It's not the finances I am referring to but being lonely. I am surrounded by people I love but many a times even in company, I feel lonely and isolated. We divorced cos out marriage had run it's course and we both were looking at different things to complete our lives. Although we cared deeply for each other, we were not in love with each other. He also needed to find himself so we both agreed to divorce after three years of band aiding our marriage. I am supposed to be a strong minded and independant woman yet I feel so vulnerable and lonely. I exude happiness and togetherness of myself to all the people around me as that's what's expected of me yet deep down inside, I am hurt and lonely. I do not want pity from people around me as divorced women have this "needy stigma" attached to them. Men are only too willing to help me get over my marriage but I am not looking for mini marriages or a relationship on the rebound or better still as the 20% in the 80/20 principle wrt affairs!! I am frustrated and unhappy with myself with where I am now. My only child is coping well as I do not let him see that other unhappy side of me. I cry in the shower and when he's asleep or not around so that he does not see me unhappy and sad. I am not sure where I will find the strength to continue and pull myself together. I've never been in any emotional turmoil as taxing as what I am in now. Will it get better and when??

  • Anonymous-18

    As I approach what would have been our 25th anniversary on Dec 31st and instead look to sign divorce papers before year end and spending the holidays alone with my kids and face being 50 and realizing it's pretty hard to date at this age, I can't help but get pretty sad. It's been 2 years since he moved out, saying he loved me dearly but his needs weren't being met. Come to understand this means I'm not 25 and idolizing him all the time. Kind of tough with 3 kids, house, job etc. I spent the better part of a year in bed and now fight depression everyday, with exercise, new job, etc. The part I can't take is coming home to an empty house when he has th kids, it's unbearably sad and lonely. I put on a smile, try not to get bitter, be healthy and keep hoping it will get easier, but it doesn't seem to, especially around the holidays. The pain is palpable and my heart goes out to everyone coping with it.

  • Anonymous-19

    I asked for a divorce in Septemember, because I found intimate chat conversations with him and other women, its not the first time. He had done it physically, and online several times. It is now november and even though he has moved out we still are intimate from time to time. He has "friends" now, and that kills me, I don't understand how i let myself be intimate with him or why it hurts so much to know that he has "friends". I feel like my heart is being ripped out and stopped on, and we haven't even filled the papers yet. Where do I find the strength to get past him, and get through this divorce

  • Tanya

    I filed last week. Exactly 5 months after I found out that my husband of 15 years had a mistress and secret love child. He has been with the mistress for 5 years and I did not have a clue. It has been absolutely devistating to me and my children. He claims that he still loves me but has treated me worse since I fould out than he has the entire marriage. I forgave him for his infidelities but yet, he continued to hide things such as phone bills, email, money, etc. He claims thta I am trying to control him bu seeing his "things." Am I bveing to controlling by asking to have proof of his whereabouts and finance given the situation? Maybe I forgave him too easily. I am so hurt and I fell like divorce is my only choice. I would love to repair the marriage but only if he is willing to be transparent.

  • Sara Huizenga Lubbers

    Mosaic Pieces of Me

    Perfectly Imperfect Mosaic Me

    Once Upon A Time…there was a Little Me…So innocent, so fragile…so pure…

    Perfectly created, perfectly shiny…perfectly new…

    Perfect neat or naughty…perfect messy, perfect happily just being me…

    Such a free litle girl who danced through her life, giggling without reason, loving

    without hesitation, trusting without any reason not to…perfectly loved in an unconditional

    way…perfectly safe, perfectly protected from what someday would come my way.

    Free to imagine how great I’d become, to daydream almost always, to be scared of the night and terrified of forever…free to be silly, free to spill my milk, to sometimes be flighty, usually messy and often late…a fragile piece of blown clear glass with nothing to hide, nor to hide from…free to be perfectly imperfect me.

    One day older plus many days more…my perfect, some older. fragile glass self was gentley taken off my safe shelf.

    And my happy go lucky, ignorant youth, happily skipped into a far from perfect, fallen world.

    So I got chipped a little, scratched a lot, but polished up quickly without too much harm due…until…there was you.

    Did you notice my beauty then, the first time we met? How truly transparent I was? I had nothing to hide then nor anything yet built up on me to hide it with…do you remember how pristine the glass was before the first time you touched me?

    And…I can’t help but wonder…did a part of you ever pause before you put that first smudge on me? Did you not know then how ugly you’d find the dirty, cracked glass of your creation? Or had you always planned to break your promise to be ever so gentle with easily breakable, delicate me?

    And the last time you left me, when right before you left…well, why didn’t you just leave? Why did you first have to find me…to hurt me again.

    You grabbed me from that dusty shelf that I was hiding on, why did you hate me? You eagerly, almost with pleasure shook me and then you…you smashed me on the floor.

    I used to wonder…what made you so mad at me? Whatever was it that made you not even want me enough to keep kicking me around? Of course then I remember, the word that I said, to bring on even greater rage from you…you really don’t like it all, do you?…When someone says ‘STOP’ to you…

    So you threw me and I violently crashed…I exploded, I shattered…you decided to put an end to my story that day. The delicate work of clear blown glass, the little me I once was…now just a million different pieces of sharp and jagged glass, each one bleeding their own unique shade…right there, where you left me, upon the dirty floor.

    Did you ever consider pausing before you quickly walked away? Did you ever think about cleaning up that mess that you had made?

    But you don’t write my whole life’s story and it wasn’t your decision to say The End.

    So the millions of pieces of shattered glass upon the floor each now displaying the millions of forever stained shades from the colors they bled before…they got up, they moved on, they live now, so damn much better than before.

    Did you think that I’d just be swept up, quickly thrown away? Did you think that was the last of the once prized trophy you tried to destroy that day?

    And now…if you could see me, how stunned you’d truly be, so taken aback by my intriquite beauty, by the better me, now me.

    It’s really quite a miracle, it even surprises myself…to live my cherished presence, to love who I am today…because, well…there’s just so much more to me now, in part because you smashed me to the floor that day. Who would have thought, not you, I’m sure…the result of your destruction…would end up blooming into something greater than we could have ever imagined?

    Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy and it took more than just me…to create this breathtaking showpiece that you still most likely just haven’t the sight to see. I’ve finally come into myself, moreso of who God always intended me to be…only His Design could turn a million shattered pieces into a whole, complete…perfectly perfect me.

    And now…when the light shines through me, the colors that I once bled…they reflect a million different shades of light…an irredescent mix of me, the reflection of how I choose to display the entirity of me.

    Sometimes, this gift, this light…it shines outside of me, magically finding and seeking the darkened paths of those most in need. And I am so blessed to have this light, to be able to share it…the joy, the gift to do so…well, to you…I can’t explain, but…it gives back so much more, makes such an even brighter me!

    So that’s me…perfectly imperfect. The clear, transparent glass you once destroyed now lives out loud with so much to give, reflecting God, shining forth His Grace in a myriad of amazing, most colorful ways…

    It’s just..beautiful…and…It’s Me!

    Perfectly Imperfect Mosaic Me

    by Sara Huizenga Lubbers

  • Please Help Me!!

    I haven't even been married for 5 years yet (it would be this January). I don't want to get divorced, but he has been telling me that he has wanted to as a threat since we have been married and never did it. This time it's real. What do I do? Not only is he everthing to me emtionally, but in reality too. I am one of those "foolish" wifes who gives her paycheck to her husband and he does the bills, balances the checkbook, organizes my 401k etc. We even live in HIS apartment. I am dependent on him and it's my fault I made it that way, now that he is leaving me, I don't know what to do first. Since we haven't made 5 years and gosh knows what he is going to state on the divorce record as the reason, I feel like I am entitled to nothing and I will bascially have nothing in every sense of the word.

    I know this sounds so unemotional, but if I put down all my hurt and terrible feelings, this entry would be endless, and I know no one would be able to help me with that.

    I just need to know where I start. How do I get a lawyer? How can I afford one if I have no money of my own? Where am I going to live in the meantime? Since it's the end of the year and I have no more days off from work, how am I supposed to take time off to move or go to court? Plus, on top of everything else I am scheduled for much needed dental surgery this thursday, should I continue to go through with that and use the joint account for payment??

    Please help!! I am so lost right now!!

  • Barbara

    My husband asked for a divorce in March during that period of time i wanted to commit suicide 3 or 4 times because I felt hurt. I seem to go over the edge everytimes something negative happens. The last incident is when he didn't want me and that was 8 month a week before are 11 anniversary that I want sex because it would make me feel better. Well when he deny me the sex I wrote a letter and took some pills. Well because of my incident I lost my son. I was wondering if any one knows how I might get him back. They are saying I am emotional unstable. Well personality disorder is a common sign of not happy being in a negative atmoshphere well its tru e my body went into severe pain because my husband was so negative to me that I lost the business by 60,000 in debt bercause I was convinced I couldn't do it because he told me I couldn't so I want my son back because of my sickness I get him taken away.

  • Anonymous-20

    I have known the man I am about to divorce 7 years. It is my second marriage. Ours was a whirlwind romance. It seemed so special, he was so attentive, caring and loving. It sometimes felt unreal. After a few months together, I became aware of his anger outbursts. At first he reassured me that they would never be directed towards me, and I had no reason to doubt him. How wrong I was. It was after I had moved in with him that the violence was directed against me. Despite all this, I still loved him and went on to marry him, as he pushed and pushed for us to marry. No sooner had we married than he lost interest in me and any future we might have. I left him after a few months and had to try to rebuild my life. He gave me no financial support, and continued to live in the house that we jointly owned. I have never stopped loving him despite the relationship being so disfunctional. He was recently diagnosed as suffering from bi-polar disorder. out of a sense of love, guilt and loyalty towards him I have continued to stay in touch with him. We have lived apart for 3 1/2 years, but I have been a regular visitor and we have continued to sleep together. I have had no desire to find another partner. Suddenly, with no warning he said it was over and he wanted a divorce. I suspect he has got another lover, although he won't admit to it. I am devastated, and feel such a sense of loss. I also feel angry, betrayed and so hurt that my whole time spent with him seems to have been such a waste of time. I feel a failure that this, my second marriage, has been in his words to me "a huge mistake". Despite living apart for the time we have, the wound is deep and open. The thought of the ongoing divorce proceedings fills me with dread.

  • Sally

    This is my first post to this site. I am again in a familiar place as my husband and I nearly divorced 6 years ago. My head is clear and I'm not the party girl and we're not the party couple anymore. We essentially co-habitate. I am torn between remaining a co-habitant or regaining my self again. I feel tremendous guilt about breaking up the family. My 2 young children of course want me to stay but I am doing a major dis-service to them by raising them in an unloving and destructive environment. The problem is getting the courage to act on it. My husband is much like a cat in that he comes into the family room when and if he feels like and usually stays for less than 30 minutes. He eats dinner with us and as soon as he cleans his plate he departs to his computer room. It is all very sad to me and I feel a lot of unhappiness. Then there is the verbal, emotional and mental abuse. It is something I've been so accustomed to that it does not seem abnormal anymore except when he does it in public or within an earshot of a stranger and they look our way. I get embarrassed because I think that person is thinking "why is she with him?" We share no intimate moments anymore. Often, I am repulsed by his presence and I have to go into another room. On the weekends, I prefer to work than to be home with him. I get no help with household chores (execpt garbage) and only bad mouthing about my poor housekeeping. I never thought I'd be one to stick it out like this. I guess I learned from my mother. She did the same thing essentially. I'm glad I found this site. I know I am not alone. I'll post again soon. Hopefully I'll be in a better space next time.

  • Eric Robichaud

    If you scroll to June, you will find my story. By the way, Thank you so much Tyson, for your comments, because they were so true and right on the $, that six months later...After the Denial that I went through, the pain, grief and anger..I finally began to think of what my life was going to look like, without her. I am only 40 and very fit. I have five kids to keep me busy, as a matter of fact, I started the first kids baseball league here in Northern Israel. I started to feel confidence and fredom that I had not felt for way too long...What do ya know! She wants to try to fix it all. When I needed her most, she turned away...Now I finally feel whole and she wants to cling again. All that is left is the intense sex that we have, every once in a while...But I must be strong enough to end this, once and for all.

    Thanks to all of you for the empathy that I sought in the wrong place for, for too long...It's in here. If you are in pain and feel alone, read about what others are going through.

    You are not alone and IT WILL PASS!

  • wendy

    I know that we-women- can be hard to deal with as ex-wives but in this case not so much. I married for the wrong reasons but got two wonderful kids out of it. Basicly my ex- and i came from two differnt worlds- mine church going always put familt first- good east texas girl. My Ex: ranchers-hunting drinking-fishing -drinking ...drinking parting- drinking. So needless to say after 3.5 yrs of marriage and i have two of the kids he now has total 7 that we knew of in 1999. His oldest is now 21 and has two banys - my two kids- 1 with his new wife and then he signed over rights for the others to the moms. We got divorced. So why do you ask that i am now or asking for advice after all of this time 9 yrs and two years trying to get the divorce so really 11 yrs.

    Cause he is driving me crazy! He hide for the longest time that he works for a new company and only by a slip up from his new wife did i find out what the name of the company was. Then i ask him for more child support due to his higher income. He is working out of the country and they threated to revolk his passport if he did not show up to court. While in town he did not call our kids to talk to them or even take them to MacDonalds. If my kids want to talk to him they have to call him he never calls them. He is now coming home for the holidays and told me that he is not going to pay me while he is on his break. I have had enough of his crap. I have e-mail his HR POC at his work via e-mail and called the ATT General Office he has to miss apayment before they do something. At am at a point that i just don't even want the kids to go over there to see him. The last time they saw him they had a huge party and all the aldults got drunk and he ran toin theur house with his truck and his wife triped and busted her head open and had to be driven to the ER by a 16 yr old kid.

    How do i deal with this ? My kids are 13 and 12 they know that we do not get along- hate each other! What should i do?

    Need advice please?

  • Christy

    I will try to make this short as possible. In July I found out that my husband of almost 17yrs was having an affair and he actually brought this woman to my home. I was devestated to say the least. I met my husband 18yrs ago and he swept me off my feet and we got married 11months after we met. We had a great marriage (I thought) we have two beautiful boys. In 2003 we moverd 800 miles away to a very small town due to his job. I quit my high paying job at a company that I had worked at for 14yrs to move away from my family and job/career to be a stay at home mom. Then here we are 5 1/2 years later going through a divorce and no job. I have been trying since July to find a job with no luck. In the meantime I have my ex harrassing me about finding a job since he has to pay me family support. I moved out of our home due to the circumstances. My oldest son who is 14 will not have anything to do with his dad since his dad had put him in the middle of his affair and was very nasty to him. Only rcently did my son start to go over to his house but just today he blew up at my son and tried to get him to lend his new girlfriend his snowboard(yes a new girlfriend- he has since broke up with the one who broke up the marriage- actually we both had a part in that. I know that he has been so awful to me but I can't help blame myself for the end of the marriage, thinking if I had been a better wife he wouldn't have had to look elsewhere. But he was not man enough to come to me to say there was a problem. As I look back I can now say I don't have to put up with the verbal abuse( yes he was very verbally abusive to me and actually hit me once in front of our olderst child.) I thank all of you for your supportive stories letting me know there are people out there in the same kind of pain as me. I am hoping that in 2009 I can accept the fact that my marriage is over and that my ex has moved on. I will never let someone into my heart like I did just to have someone stick a knife in it and I feel as though a part of me died. In Jan. my divorce will be final and I will have to move on. Does anyone have any advice to as how I can not feel so helpless and depressed.

  • Anonymous-21

    I just read your post as I sit here at 3:15 unable to sleep like most nights. Your story sounds so very similar to mine and for the first time, I see that I'm not alone in my pain. A few months ago, I too, found out that my husband of 14 years was having an affair. Actually, my 13 year old daughter had a keener sense than I, and was suspicious before me. She actually found text messages on her father's phone that confirmed it for her. Unfortunately, she held that information to herself before I learned the horrible news. It has been so devasting. I am still in a bit of shock over it. We are in the process of a divorce and still living in the same house which makes it almost unbearable to deal with my grief. It is also extremely difficult for my daughter who is very mad at her dad for breaking up our family. My emotions are all over the place, but basically the pain, resentment, fear and uncertainty of our future is overwhelming. I also stopped working for 8 years while raising our children. I wouldn't have traded it for the world. When I went back to work, it was for much less money as the job I left. It was only supplemental to help us to extra things. I can't imagine how I'll survive this and be able to continue on my own with my salary. Just know that your not alone. Stay strong and lean on friends and family for support. I'm not the best at reaching out myself, but I have to in order to get through this.

  • Oliver

    My Wife and I meet 6 yars ago and got married 3 years ago almost to the day.....now 2 weeks ago we both decided to go our separate way because we both felt unhappy in our relationship.....at the begginig it was great we were best friends even do we have a 10 year difference beteween us, we over looked that and became a great team....I do admit that at first her being 10 years younger scared me a ton, since I felt she was rushing into things and maybee she didnt know what she really wanted. Again I loved her so much I over came the fear....time went by and I got a phone call from a woman telling me that my wife was calling her husband 24/7....It was a slap to the face but again I forgave and moved on...I did everything I knew how to do to keep her happy and conftrable..always encouraged her and supported her as much as I could...my family took her in as one of theirs....With her family I did have some conflicts..nothing to hard to deal with...but about a year ago I landed a great job making more money than we could even spend...I got involved with the wrong crowd and disrespected my wife....never cheated on her...but did lie to her about what I was doing( like drinking with my friends etc) well she came to find out several times about this and slowly started not trusting me....on the other hand every time I felt like I had done something bad I would go back to what she did to me and it felt as if we were even...now 2 weeks later were not even talking she left to Ohio with her sistser and left me to cope with all the bills and memories....well I still love her but even for me now its over...what I dont understand is how I gave her all the chances in the world and she just gave up..

    Again my advise is jump both feet in and never hold back.

  • Matt

    Was just served divorce papers from wife Saturday after she asked me to leave a week ago. I knew this was probably coming and thought I was ready to handle it. Not so.

    Unfortunately I brought this mostly on myself. I had a drinking problem that got progressively worse with time. I was never verbally or physically abusive to her or the 2 kids (7yr old daughter and 4yr old son) but after a time she could not handle the emotional detachment brought on by booze.

    So I was given a few more chances, would stop drinking altogether for a few months at a time but each time I slipped up and bought a bottle she became more and more hurt until finally now. I worked so hard raising those kids with her, and the idea of not seeing them regularly is excruciating and I'm already feeling the deep waves of depression at times.

    So thank you for the forum and I appreciates everyones posts, it kinda helps to talk about it on here.

  • TPlum

    Hey there, I was reading some of the comments and I can surely relate! I was married half my life to a man, that is 21 1/2 years and he decided he wanted a divorce because of my depression. We owned a home that we bought and it was not even liveable but with time and money we made a nice home to settle into. We had no children of our own but we did raise a lil girl for almost 4 years before our seperation. She called us Mom and Dad and to us, she was our child. We Divorced Aug 2008 and I am still grieving. His girlfriend whom lived across the street, Amber Horner of Springfield Ohio has now made things even more unbearable and she finds it humorous. She post pics on myspace of MY and MY HUSBANDS home stating in captions, OUR dining room, OUR bedroom, pics of kissing, naked in bed etc . She thinks this is funny, Lovely person she is. If I call my husband at the time she would answer and would not let me talk to him and say things like my family is now hers, just needless talk so my husband would call on his cell once he got to work. Because we had no biological children, she thinks there is no reason for us to talk, but she talks to her ex everday because he is her boss and they have a child together, does this make sense? She was only married a few years and has no clue as to a marriage , He abandoned me in my greatest time of need. We renewed our vows in 2004 so not only did he say I do once but twiced. This floozy does not live in my home but she leaves her son acrossed the street alone and spends her nights in my home. I gave my home to him beings I was not from that town and I came back to my hometown. Thank God! I did not get a lawyer and we did a dissolution but my mental state was not of one to make sound judgements and if I had to do over again and knowing this idiot would be doing what she is doing and him allow it, i would have gotten alimony for about 7 years (every 3 years your married is 1 year alimony), I would have made him sale our home, still took half of his retirement, which I took 3/4 for him to buy me out of my share of the house, which was not even close to what I had vested or what the home was worth. Blood, sweat and tears was put into that home. I just feel so confused and scared to death. I am an RN so I was the sole supporter of our family even though he worked, I made more money than him. Every dime I made went into that home. I just feel so lost and alone and don't know where to even begin to pick up the pieces and go on. I try and somedays I feel like I have made progress and then bam, the next day, I am right back to square one. I was always made to feel like I was the other woman, the wife and the girlfriend was more like the wife, does that make any sense? What right does anyone have to make a mockery of a marriage that lasted 21 1/2 years and find it humorous, This is what she does and laughs about it. Karma will get her in the end. My question is how could a person just go on and act like half their life never existed? He says I live in the past, my god, he is all my past, my memories that are not going to just disappear quickly. I am so hurt and feel so alone inside and have no one to talk to about my inner feelings. I try to paint a smile on my face and act like I am moving on but deep inside I am miserably sad and grieving. I believe in Karma and he does not but right after we seperated he had a heart attack, then in January he was told his company is going out of business by March and he has been there about 15 years, then the very next night he got a drunk driving charge because he went to a bar that SHE likes and her family goes there which we knew to never go out in that area. She is his goodluck charm I guess. I think a little Karma going on here. He took total advantage of my mental instability and emotions and I lost BIG TIME! Go to myspace.com and search for Amber Horner of Springfield, Ohio and you will see pictures plastered on her webpage of her and MY HUSBAND before we were legally seperated or divorced and tell me how you would feel seeing this when it is someone you spent half of your life with! I have met someone and I am trying to move on but it is very difficult because I have a HUGE wall because I will never allow someone to get inside my heart as deeply as him to only have it crushed in the end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Nice to vent all that and believe me, there is more I would like to vent....

    Alone and Lonely with a broken heart....

    TJP

  • Anonymous-22

    I was married for 13 years. In all those years, my wife had affairs with three male colleagues. Whenever I confronted her about this, she used to tell me that I am insecure and jeolous, as they are just friends (I know it's wrong, but I was did some detective work and knew she was cheating). I was not perfect, but was definitely committed and willing to work on my mistakes. On one occassion, she dumped me and said degrading things about me in front of this so-called male friend when I confronted them at a coffee shop, and I still went back to her to ask for reconciliation. One weekend, she dissapeared and left me with our 3 year old child to go away with a male colleague, and I still forgave her. On the last incident, she started alienating me emotionally and sexually whilst spending all her free time on the internet chatting and phoning her male colleague. Even when I forgave her, she never really apologised. She would tell lies, and I would want to believe those lies even when I knew it was nonsense, as I wanted to save our marriage at all costs. I was addicted to her. We eventually broke up, and I know it's good for me in the long-term. My confidence is gradually coming back. Now that she sees I am stronger and happy without her, she is trying to come back. It's hard to resist because I still love her, yet I know she love is only interested in pursuing her own happiness irrespective of how much damage she can cause to me... Everyday, I battle with these feelings of addiction. Going back to her will satisfy short term emtional needs, but the long term emotinal damage to me will be terrible... On a daily basis, I assure myself that this too will pass...

  • Cat

    My husband of 1 year (Lived together 8yrs), kissed me the Friday Morning telling me how much he loves me and that he will see me that night with Pizza. He never came home. He phoned me the next morning, told me he wants out, he wants to drink and jol! He doesnt want to have a home, a wife, dogs and the picket fence life - THAT HE BOUGHT INTO!! Anyways, everyone tells you your better off without him, its his loss etc. etc. but Im still living in the same house with all the memories. Its like he died. He left me with all the remaining responsibilities and lots of bills. I have to rent out our beautifull home, find a new place while hes living happily with who knows who and jolling everynite. It all got a little too much for me so I tried to committ suicide this Friday! Its really hard! Suicide is not for sissies! So, he came home Saturday morning, found me on the bed covered in blood and drugged full of pills and he did nothing! Nothing! He shook me and asked me where he's money is. He didint even take me to hospital. He just took his money and left me to die. I was found a couple of hours later by my mother who then took care of me. You think you can handle and deal and then the emotions start taking over. Im sorta happy I survived, and sorta happy that it happened because now I now what I married, and there is no hope of reconciliation. No matter what everyone says and how much advice they give you - its the voices in your head that you need to gain control over. What you think is what you become. The signs were there and I ignored them. I chose to see what I wanted to see. I tried changing a donkey into a stallion and thats also not fair on the Donkey. So, now I will have to dust off my riding boots and get back in the game of life. Its hard, but I take it one hour at a time!

  • Mrs. Cano

    so my name is crysti and im married to my husband eli. we have a beautiful daughter who is only about to be one year and has no fault for anything that has happened. at the begining of our relationship everything was fine, we met when i was working at a restaurant and he worked at the goodyear across the street.... well we moved in together after 6 months of dating and we were happy as ever so we waited another 6 months and then decided to have a baby, we failed and i cried my eyes out, he being the great guy he was at the time comforted me and told me we would keep trying and everything would be ok, so we tried again, and the day we found out i was pregnant we both cried tears of joy and we got married the very next month. so for a while we were happy and he was very excited that we were going to be parents. well time went by, he started working 2 hours away for more money and eventually for some strange reason i went through his phone once and all hell broke loose, all the times that i went through his phone he was texting to other bitches! i had always been a faithful wife to give and i was always happy to do anything for him, we lived in apartments where i didnt want to go to the laundry roon because even though i was pregnant there would always be perverted men out there trying to talk to me so there i was with my huge belly barely able to breath and i would be on my knees hand washing his clothes in the bath tubb.... not many girls do that! he had plenty of bill before i met him and when we moved in i decided to give him my entire check to help pay off his bills so that we together would not live in debt.... well time went by, he would always go out drinking with his friends and i always trusted him 100% and never doubted him. during the pregnancy he took care of me and i got sick a few times so he called off work and took me to the doctors and he was there for me.... when our little girl was born, he was there the whole time and i felt like the luckiest girl ever! well he then would keep going out, i wouldnt even be able to go with him to walmart cause he would use the excuse of the baby, its too cold, or its too hot, or its a hassle having to carry the car seat.... whatever i put up with it, then one day he kicked me out... i stayed with his sister and 2 days later he called and asked me to come back, then he kicked me out again, i stayed with my mom for 2 weeks and he asked me to come back just to change his mind the very next day... so then my attitude became a problem with my mom and when i said i wasnt living there by choice she said for me to leave, so i called my husband and he said to come home.... then he kicked me out again..... well he was seeing someone else. he likes her because she does things like going out drinking and pretty much what he enjoys the most is the drinking, i dont do that often cause i have responsibilities! i moved in with one of my co workers and he moved in with her, well we kept in touch cause my cell is under his account and obviously cause we have our daughter, well i ended up buying a car from a friend and hes a mechanic so he took a look at it and said it was a piece of shit so he told me to take over the payments for our car instead and he gave it to me and i gave the other car back to my friend. one day he dropped off my daughter at my job which is 3 businesses away from his, so we work near eachother again. well he tried talking to me and i just ignored him, so i was in the car on my knees strapping downthe car seat so my daughter would be safe and he slapped my ass, i turned around angry and told him not to touch me, then he tried hugging me so i pushed him away, later that night he sent me a text saying he wishes we were together and happy, the following week he wanted me back so i agreed, butthe day before i had sent his new girlfriend a mssg on my space talking shit about him, so while he was gonna tell her that hes done with her, she showed him the mssg and he got mad he told me to file for divorce and get child support, i was so scared to get on the freeway cause i really wanted to kill myself but i love my little girl too much to not grow up with mommy by her side, shes my ninnie me, she copies everything she sees me doing and i love that! so a few days ago i was talking to him and sure enought he moved out of her place we hung out we had sex again, but he confessed to me that hes not sure of who he wants to be with, he moved out from her place to think clearly and i was crying and again wantedto kill myself, but i didnt for my little girl.... well yesterday i bought him his valentine gift and dropped it off at his job with one of his friends that i know, i also dropped off today frames about family with our pictures in them.... his friend told me he just look at the pics andthen left them in the office and that he hasnt opened the gift from yesterday.... i feel so stupid and devastated on a day like today! all my co workers are receiving flowers and here i am holding back the tears cause i know my marriage has fallen apart.... im done with him im cutting off all communication and im gonna make him realize how much family is worth, hes gonna regret it, hes already showed me that he wasnt completely happy with her cause he missed his wife and daughter, well the next time he wants me back hes gonna have to beg for forgiveness.... aside from all this i love him as much as always, and the only thing i want is to fix my marriage.... any advice to bring back my husband?????

  • Tom

    I am in hell and nothing will ever come to any good ever again. My wife of 3 years left 2 days ago after I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker of hers. I never imagined it could hurt so much. Someone please tell me it will get better.

  • Allan N Schwartz

    Tom,

    Right now you are going through the shock of loss, feelings of betrayal, deep anger and rejection, and mourning. I am sure there is more than a small amount of self pity mixed in with all the other emotions. All of this is normal and to be expected. I say that without attempting to minimize your pain. Please know and be assured that things will get better. You need to give yourself time. Talk to your friends, both male and female. In fact, the more you talk about it the better. Talk to everyone you know, talk, talk, talk. It is very healing. Do not self isolate. Be with friends and family. Do not drink because that will only make you feel more depressed. Be assured that you will recover from this and, in the future, you will meet the right person for you.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Nancie Kaminski

    I was married almost 3 year ago, I have just left my husband and filed for divorce, reason being. 2 weeks into the marriage I discovered a ton or porn in his computer. I confronted him with it and he said he would stop. Myself I thought he was a creep. Now I'm 50 years old he is 59 years old. I'm 5' 3" slim figure and I think I'm quite attractive, besides being very, very nice, I cleaned, cooked, helped with his business (I have a full time job) I did everything I feel I'm a very good wife. But as the story goes on his problem with porn went on, I'm very sexual open, I would ask him what do you want, what do you like and so on, I dressed up, I roled played, I purchased toys etc. He would watch his porn when I wasn't home and then masturbate to it. He often told me he had an ED problem, in which I would work thru that with him and he would take Viagra to be with me, but didn't need it with the porn. After 2 1/2 years of this, him lying about the porn and making up stories about it, I have had enough. Besides the porn he also has a binge drinking going on. Sitting alone in a room, no TV, no Radio just him and his drinks, I was not sure how to handle that. But anyways he has lowered my self esteem to zip, zero. I can't understand how you could have a woman that would do anything in the bedroom and still desire porn. I'm very open, we often had watched it together and then made love, but he still sways back to the computer. The watching of it was always my idea, just about everything in the bedroom was my idea, to bring pleasure. He would lie about it when he was confronted by me and then make up something up, I couldn't stand the lies, the porn and the binge drinking anymore, I believe he was just avoiding embarrasment but He valued the porn more than a marriage and to me that was just not right. We had a 1/2 million dollar home, no children between us, this is his 4 marriage and my second (I have two grown children that are in different states. I left everything and just walked. I would rather be poor and happy then miserable and rich. He has since this e-mailed me with I love you and I miss you, but this is something I've heard so many, many times. Thru our marriage, I had moved out of the bedroom 3 times. He's always made me feel as if I wasn't good enough for him. I have just had enough. This situation is very sad for me, cuz the rest of my life I have left was promised to be happy by him and so far it's been nothing but problems. I had put everything I had into building this house, I had sold my condo and my parents (that are in heaven) inheritance. So I left with nothing, but my dog and my cat. We also had gone to counseling twice, 6 weeks together and then each one of us on our own that was in the very beginning of our marriage. He wanted to go again, but the first two times didn't work what was gonna make this time work. I would like to hear everyone's comments cuz this does hurt me even though I'm the one that walked!!

  • Mark

    Where to start. I have been divorced for three weeks. My divorce happened in two days. I was married to my ex wife for 1 year and two weeks. This was my second marriage. Her sixth. I have no children she has two, a son 12 and a daughter 17. Soon after we got married she gave her daughter up for adoption to her parents. And her son confided in me that he was being molested at his fathers house. Up until this point she was great to me. I had a difficult time accepting her son but I was trying. She engaged in court procedings with her third ex husband to change custody situation with him so that the boy would not have to go there. By May I had given her $7500 in atty fees to help her. We started to have serious arguments about the situation both with her obsession with court and the money. In July I asked her to fire the atty because we were out of money. She came home that evening and we argued. I had been drinking and went to leave and the police showed up. They arrested me for DV and DUI. I had no Idea what was going on. a few weeks later she wanted to staywith me and the charges were dismissed. We gt back together in October. Well she won her case and I asked her to stop fighting and she set up two more court dates. At this point we had spent $15000 on fees plus my legal fees of $10,000. I loved her though and I wanted to have a child since I don't have any. The problem was she had her tubes tied. and she iws 41 seven years older than me. So in December she had the surgery to reverse the tubes. Our one year anniversery was Jan, 19th. A weekend were her son's dad wanted him to visit. even though it was not a sceduled visit. She refused to send him even though I asked her to send him and start our second year off better. Needless to say he did not go. I was devestated. We argued about it and she told me that she did'nt know it was that important to me. So later that week I came home from work to find a moving van outside. I asked her to stay and she agreed. As long as I would do for her son. I wanted more than anything to stay with her. I even got rid of my two dogs aI had for seven years that she did not like. Well, 4 weeks ago we got a puppy, It botherd me to get one but I was watching it and taking care of it. She did not help and we had an arguement about me having to get up every night to take care of it when she wanted it. Then dreaded monday came. She told me to pick up her son at school if it was'nt raining and if it was her parents would. Well it was not raining at the time and I called her during the day to find out what to do and there was no response. I went looking for him and did not find him. She finally called me back at 4:30 to let me know that he was picked up. I was not happy. When she got home I told her to make a decsicion, either I was oing to be responsible for him or not. She told him to leave and get in the car. When I went out side she was on the phone with the police. They came again and arrested me. I sat in the living room and listened to her tell the police I don't want anything to happen to him. Well, It did. because it was second time it became a felony, She went down to have them drop it again and told them it was a lie and that they could arrest her. I later found out that she has done this to many men before me. I sit waiting my fate and am angry that I got sucked in to this mess. I still love her but she is dangeous. Even my first wife called and said that she has pushed me over the edge many times and I never did anything to her. I feel lost and angry. I needed an outlet to vent my frustrations. If there is any reprocussions from her latest police adventures I may lose my carear. I am not too bitter though I know there will be some one else to share my life with. and I am lucky to get away from a crazy person without children. I think back to what her ex told me on the phone. he said you'll find out what she is all about. I wish I saw it comming. Please pray for my job situation. and watch out for crazies.

  • Mike

    I recently got a divorce in Sept of last year. It was a tragic situation. I wond up in jail for two mounths (didn't hit her), homeless begging people for change on the corner. I lost the house to her and my car. I'm doing better now. I have a new car an small apartment and make a little money but I went threw hell and high water. Its been almost six mnths and I get extreamly mad about the situation but Its has been on the decline untill last week. My ex sent me a text message about doing the nasty. Than text me again and apologize and said she txt the wrong person. That relly pissed me off. I can't wait untill this shit is a distant memory.

  • Anonymous-23

    my husband of 8 1/2 years left.... he wants his life back. we just built a house, its not finished, problems with the builder, his work is stressful....he doesn't love me anymore....i'm 50, alone, in a house I can't afford...how do I cope??

  • Anonymous-24

    My wife of 29 years left me for another man. I placed her on a pedistal, gave her basically what she wanted, including travel, money, and even for our 25th anniversary, gave her a Mazda Miati (new). She basically left me for a handy man, who is married, and refuses to leave his wife and family for her. (What a man, NOT) I have been in missery for the past six months, and at most whimper like a baby at times. I fight my anger, I try to control the hate, as I know I will have an everlasting impression on our two grown children .Thus, my true emotions can not come out. For her, I hope she finds what she wants, to her boyfriend, I hope one day he'll be the man she wants, and for her to stop being his "other". she pays the bills, purchses the hotel rooms, etc. I need to stop anger, and I need to move on, but like a dog, I can't quite get it out of my sole to let go.

    For our children, I can only hope they will forgive her, and remember she is still their mother. Both grown and have opinions. I do need to get over it and move on.

  • Anonymous-25

    You clearly provided for her in terms of money and material possessions, but did you provide for her in other ways? Perhaps she felt she wasn't getting the emotional support she needed? Did you spend much time together doing things you both enjoy?

  • Kay

    My husband out of the blue after 31 years of marriage said I want a divorce I also put what he wanted first in our life anything to keep him happy I am still trying to accept this I feel like I have been hit by a truck.We also have 2 grown children who have lost all respect for him not sure they will ever feel for him the way they used to , I guess we just have to keep taking things a day at a time ,I suggest some professional help if possible it is helpful with the right person I keep telling myself I know I did the very best I could as it sounds like you did as well, I Keep trying to believe

    Things will be better someday I hope and pray it will be this way for you to .

  • Mike

    Please, for GOD'S SAKE, spell check anything you type here!It is IMPOSSIBLE to read this stuff with all the poor spelling. Giving up.

  • Lauren

    Hello to everyone. I have read all of the posts and have really been touched with your pain and I want to thank you all for your courage in sharing the deepest parts of your hearts here. I am praying for all of you.My own situation is quite difficult to describe. My husband and I have been married almost 26 years(this June if we make it). We have been in the ministry for all of that time...both of us ordained. We pastor a small church and have 4 children and 2 grandchildren. We both look too young to have all of this...but we got married young.It seems as if something snapped in my husband around his 44th birthday in September. He has not been the same. He has never been depressed or suicidal...but he has been struggling with these issues. It seems as if he is exhibiting bi-polar behaviours. He is feeling like a failure in every area of his life.We have been through so much in the area of ministry that has been extremely painful and have struggled financially. These things, combined with my husbands past issues with me are threatening to destroy our marriage. I have never been unfaithful...but I have spent most of our married life dealing with depression of which I am now free of. My husband told me that he is trying to make me hate him and that he is wanting to divorce me. He says that he wants to disappear into a hole and never come out. Sexually it has been difficult for me because I have a strong sex drive and a desire for intimacy...my husband who always had a strong drive has very little interest. It is difficult for me as a wife because I have a nice figure and am considered to be very attractive/beautiful. It is strange for me that everywhere I go...almost 100% of the time I am told by mostly men (that I do not even know) how beautiful I am or how nice I look. I do not want anyone to get the wrong impression...I do not dress in a seductive way...I save that for the bedroom...but I do try to look nice. I have to really harden myself against these compliments...I want my husband to notice me! I want his love and acceptance! I am a godly woman and will not dishonor myself, my husband, or the Lord by having an affair. I was a virgin when I married my husband and he is the only man I have been with.I appologize for rambling...just needing a safe place to share my heart. I never believed we would be in this place right now. I am embarrassed to say this...but we have been marriage counselors...helping other people with their issues and problems. I am so frustrated because my husband knows what he needs to do and refuses to do it. I am really trying to do everything I can...I am trying with the best of my ability and the grace of God to practice what I preach. I am really making a concentrated effort to examine my own behaviour and take responsibility for it. I did make alot of mistakes in the past...lots of regret I have of time wasted on selfishness. The truth is...I cannot hit rewind and change the past...I can only make choices for today...right now...and do the best I can with God's help.If we get divorced the "ripple effect" wiil be devastating...our children...our church...It is not "reputation" that concerns me...but the idea that those we love the most, those we have counseled and helped will be hurt by this.My husband adored me once...but he is so cold and indifferent...every day is agonizing rejection. I have researched Mid-Life Crisis and it seems as if this is what my husband is experiencing. I guess I just don't want to accept that he does not love me anymore and refuses to meet me even 1/2 way. You cannot make someone love you. If I even say one sentence to him about anything that he is doing that has hurt me he gets very angry and shuts down and walls me out completely. He refuses to talk. Again we have worked with many couples on communication and working through issues...but sadly he is refusing to put into practice what he knows.Actions do speak louder than words. His words on one hand is that he does love me and then when he is "triggered" and upset then he is plotting his excape and divorce agenda. Every day is excruciating not only for me but for my teens that are still here at home. My teens are the best. They are so kind, respectful, obedient, loving, and they do make me laugh! Amazingly they love God inspite of the hypocrisy they have seen. The are the light in my world sent from God! I am really hurting right now. Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

    God Bless You All,

    Lauren

  • Ray

    I've been happily married for almost 16 years. Last Saturday, my wife told me that she wasn't "in love" with me anymore and that she's been cheating on me for the past 2 and 1/2 years. She plans on leaving on May 30th to go live with "the other" in Indiana (I'm in Louisiana). What's hardest, is that we have 2 girls, one 5 and the other 1. She wants to take the kids with her. I know she can't leaglly take the kids out of state, so I have gotten myself a good lawyer.

    I NEVER saw this coming. We have always gotten along, we hardly ever fight, we do things together as a family and our sex life has been pretty good. In retrospect, I realize now that she had been spending A LOT of time on the computer and on her cell phone, but I loved and trusted her so much, I just put myself in denial.

    I feel so lost. I can't even function. Even daily routines seem to be a monumental task that requires every last ounce of my energy. I put on my best happy face around the kids. God knows, I don't want them to be hurt by what's going on, but my 5 year old is very smart and perceptive. She knows something's up. Eventually, we'll have to explain to her what's going on.

    I don't want to lose my kids. I don't understand how my wife can rationalize that taking the kids 1000 miles away to live in an apartment she' s never visited (her and "the other" have only met up in hotel rooms in various cities between here and there) to live with a guy she only "knows" over the internet (she has only been with him face to face 4 times). I am in the best position to take care of the kids. I have a good job (been with the co. for over 17 years), I provide for them, my oldest goes to an EXCELLENT magnet school and all of our friends and family are nearby. If my kids go to Indiana, they have NO ONE except my wife and "Mr. Wonderful" who may or may not be a serial rapist, mass murderer, compulsive gambler, crack addict the list goes on. My wife has NO job and NO money but swears that "Mr. Wonderful" will take care of the kids.

    Gee, what a friggin' relief.

    After doing research and talking to others with children who have been divorced, I've seen that child custody laws almost NEVER favor the father.

    WHY????????

    I know I'm not perfect, but I've NEVER given her a reason to cheat. I've never hit her or the kids, I've never cheated on her (never wanted to), I provide for her and the kids, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do illegal drugs, I'm not addicted to porn or gambling.

    I guess nice guys really do finish last.

    I run the gamut of emotions all day long. I wake up trembling and nauseated, then I cry, then I get angry, then I get determined, then I tell myself everything will work out, then I start all over again. I'm barely eating.

    I feel so betrayed and alienated. Even when I play with my kids, I feel like I am alone. I'm almost sure I will need some sort of counseling.

    Is there anyone out there with a situation similar to mine that has reached a point of recovery? If so, I would love to hear how things turned out for you. I once put my hopes and dreams of the future in my wife. Now that she's leaving, my future looks so dark.

    Please help.

  • Lauren

    I just read your comment today and it really impacted me. I have not been through this myself. My story is a bit different, but I can certainly identify with the pain you are experiencing.

    I am glad you found this site because it does contain some helpful and encouraging articles. I have visited here today since my last comment "Blind Leading The Blind" because my situation has gotten so much worse with my husband. He seems to be pretty determined to leave me and our children ages 12 and 13. I have been married almost 26 years and my oldest son's birthday is this Saturday and mine is a few days later. Needless to say, our household is a very sad and depressing place.

    Back to you however... It is important that you understand that somehow you will get through this. One thing that consoles me is that so many people like us have gotten through and can enjoy life again. If they can do it, so can the rest of us who are struggling right now.

    I will remember to pray for you Ray. It cannot hurt, but hopefully help.

    Kind Regards,

    Lauren

  • christy

    Ray I really dont know. My husband just told me 2 weeks ago that he was also seeing someone else. I feel your pain and cannot hardly stand another moment. Im sorry that this has happened to you and they say the rollar coaster of emotions is normal but believe me at this time I just dont know either. My husband and I have a son but he is from my husbands first marriage (she died of cystic fibrosis when he was 2) Im the only mom he's ever known and last friday I had to go and get my things and leave a little boy thats only known me as a mother. I just dont know.

  • soon to be separated/divorced

    I have been married for over 15 years and we have 3 kids. My husband just told me he wants a divorce, no counseling. he has by all means been a terrible husband.....out VERY late (says he's at work, yeah right).....drinks way too much, mental issues...I honestly should have left him years ago...but we have the kids and one has a disability and I have wanted to be here for her. I suspect he is having an affair--even though he denies it. Several nights he didn't come home at all. Many nights around 2am. I know how bad this is for the kids and myself, but the thought of not being there for them kills me. I just think about it and start crying. why am I grieving a horrible marriage?? I have the immediate worries of obtaining a job and health insurance and I have no energy to do so. I am just crying all day and trying to pull it together when the kids get home from school.

    I am looking for stories that this will get better. He says he is not 'in love' with me anymore just like someone else wrote, and won't give me any other reason. I want the truth, but it doesn't look like I will get it. That is a hard pill to swallow as the reason for a divorce in a marriage where I was always mistreated and was faithful for 15 years. How will I ever trust another man again?

    Not sure how I will finish raising these kids alone either, while working full time--he never helped with the kids either, but I was able to be there for them 100%.

    Everyone says he was an A## anyway, I should not be sad, but I just can't shake the tears. I am not one to cry ever, so this is awful..

    Hoping it gets better for everyone else here soon. I can't even tell most of my family and friends yet.

  • Very Hurt

    My husband told me yesterday that he is moving out. After that I found his ridiculous internet history once again looking at dating sites etc. We have been married 10 yrs and have a 4 yr old and a 5 month old. Honestly, the marriage really has been awful the entire 10 yrs. Because it was never ended before kids, I made a commitment to do whatever it took to stay together for my kids. I came from a divorced home and having step parents wasn't the happiest situation. My heart is broken. I cannot bear the thought having to share my kids or have days where they are not with me. I was willing to ignore what I needed to ignore so that I could keep our family together. Even if that meant giving up my own happiness for the next 18 yrs. Granted, I am not perfect but my husband is very verbally abusive as well as just overall perverse with his internet habits and I guess it does need to end. If I did not have kids, honestly I would probably not try to maintain the marriage any longer as he is so verbally abusive I cannot take the pain anymore - and we are fighting in front of our kids and I just cannot let that happen anymore. My biggest heartache of all right now is how my kids may be influenced when they are with him and God knows who else he chooses to be with. From what I have seen online, he doesn't have the highest standards. It's all about sex. I just can't seem to stop thinking about how difficult it is going to be for me not to control what my kids are subjected to when I am not around. My kids are my life and I would give up anything for them - including my own life and happiness........

  • Molly

    Hi Y'All!!

    I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. After 11 years of marriage, the last 9 certifiably sexually dead, and 2 kids....I decided to leave my Soon To Be X (STBX). I had some major reconstructive surgery on my leg in the hospital...he refused to pick me up....and then left me stranded in my bed for days. It took a few dear friends lots of screaming and yelling for me to see that all of the late nites, ignoring every major family event, ignoring and verbally abusing the kids etc did not exactly spell a happy family life. And after a birthday and some long all-niters I decided to fix my life. Yes I was really depressed for many many months, but now that he's about to move out and give me the signed divorce papers, my heart feels so much lighter, the kids are happier and hopefully we'll be able to spend a year or two rebuilding our lives and getting to a new equilibrium. And I say this as a woman who has lost about 85% of my fair weather friends and who is prepared to go it alone (did i mention i'm self employed???) just for the chance to find happiness....not necessarily love....just happiness and joy in the everyday stuff. And no I haven't met anyone, just trying to clear out the garbage to make way for whatever the universe may plop into my life. I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel..........

  • Dawn

    I am a 50 yo woman married 23 years with a 17 yo and 21 yo son. We had problems in our marriage but we had good times as well. I believed we were committed. March 5th my husband came home to tell me, " I am leaving you. I've been living a double life"," I have been in a relationship for 5 years". I was shocked, in disbelief, and numb. " I wasn't happy". But he never once told me about his feelings. My 17 yo daughter heard it all and ran out of the house. As he packed some bags I cried and asked why he had to go that night, before we could talk and tell our kids. His girlfriend had ended thier relationship and he felt he had to return to her home that night or he would loose her. "I love her. I cant live without her:. As he left the house all he said to my daughter was, " Your mother needs you". She cried. My son came home from Penn State 2 days later and I had to tell him. He cried. After being back at school 2 weeks he developed pneumonia, had to be brought back from school and took a medical leave. He sleeps alot now. I move back and forth between denial, guilt, rage and sadness. I have lost 30 lbs and take medication for anxiety and sleep. I work 4 days a week and have little energy or interest to get out with friends or exercise as my therapist suggests. I journal, see a therapist and try to maintain a routine for the kids so we still feel like a family. One hour I feel," I can do this", and then the next I feel hopeless. I feel very alone.

  • Amanda

    My husband left me 5 months ago. I miss him dearly. Sure we had our problems like most relationships. His mother was a major issue in our marriage. We have a 3 yr old son together and nothing as a mother I could do right with our child. I am a good mom, my son is my life and I love that little boy more than words could ever express but, I was never good enough. She never wanted my ex and I to get married. I guess, in her eyes I was never good enough for her boy. Things got worse over time. He was always constantly putting me down. He would put me down to his friends, whoever he could talk to about me. I am a really good person. I love life, kind, caring, sweet, honest, I was faithful and I loved him with all of my heart. I wanted to have more children he didn't. He got fixed behind my back. I came home from work one day and he was sitting with is bag of peas. I was so hurt!! He told the whole world that I made him marry me. I did push the subject a little bit but, I didn't want to play house with someone for the rest of my life. So, we got married. I wanted to go back to school to study nursing. I wanted to be able to make a difference in other peoples lives as well to be able to better provide for my family. I hated the job I currently have. Working a dead end job with not chance of advancement. It was my dream there were times where he told me if I pursued my dream he would leave me because he would never support me financially. About 5 months ago we had a huge fight. I said some things that I should have never said but, I guess I kinda snapped. He was running me down on the phone with his friend. I got tired of being his door mat I guess. We had to take our son to a Doctors appointment. Things were ok. We went out to eat after his appointment. I dropped him off at his doctors appointment and he said he loved him. He came home later that night and said he was done. He was tired of my BS. He was tired of the way that I treated his mother (there were times that I actually stood up for my right as our sons mother. I guess it was the wrong thing to do), he said that he was tired of not having any money, he said that everything I have done for him in our relationship was never good enough because I could never meet his expectations. He told me to take my kid and get the heck out of his house. I had no wheres to go so I lived in a womans shelter for 30 days. I have tried so hard to make him happy but I guess I couldn't. I feel like I Have failed. What if I end up alone for the rest of my life? I loved him and how could someone I loved so much hurt me so badly?

    Hope the tears will stop flowing eventually. Thank you for listening to my story.

  • Anonymous-26

    Like many of you, I too am devastated. I have been married for 30 years and we are both very prominant in our community. My husband tells me he has been "confused" for several years and not "sure if he wants to live the rest of his life with me." We have been together for 33 years. We have had what others see as a very very happy and active married life. We have 2 sons that are graduated from prominant colleges.....I have forgiven his admisssion to on line porn problems, an affair and now on line shopping for women to have sex. This man is very prominant in our community. He says he is "not happy" and has not been for years. You can not believe the life that he has had. The trips the events, the careers. I have adored him. I am also very well respected in my professional circle. We all seem to be the same in pain--don't we?? One that is in terrible terrible pain and denial and self doubt. And the other that seems to in some way "explain" their infidelity and lies. What happened to the vows that we took?? Why do let ourselves be so tied to the coupling that we have?? I too, after 33 years can not see myself living as single, but he claims that "we need to get a divorce" He swears to me and to our families and friends that "he made mistakes" but there is no one else....he just "needs to be true to himself." Does anyone believe this?? I just don't get it. He bailed on couseling after 3 sessions, but he was not emotionally there from the first visit. I am having a very very hard time accepting that we can abandon our lives, our home, our children and our reputations at this point in life. I really believe that God will lead us to a "better" place, but it is like walking through fire to get to that garden. My compassion to all that are in this seering pain of betrayal, bewilderment and self doubt. Thanks for reading --and for our mutual understanding. It feels good to get it out.

  • Anonymous-27

    I guess when you're the one being dumped, it is natural to be dumbfounded. That's how I feel. I've been married for 16 years and have 3 kids. I just learned two weeks ago that my husband has "an urge to leave". He thinks he can do better than me. He says he doesn't think of me in a romantic way however just a week ago we had some of the best sex I think we've ever had. I just don't get it. There must have been clues, but I wasn't seeing them. We didn't argue and we also had weekly family rituals like getting ice cream on Saturdays and making a big pancake breakfast every Sunday. We even just got back from a family vacation a month ago. This must have been brewing in his mind for some time. It's unfortunate he didn't feel comfortable expressing his feelings to me before now. I think my husband is going through a mid-life crisis, but he just doesn't know it. He bought a new car three weeks ago and just got his apartment a few days ago. I've done a lot of sobbing the last few days, especially since he told me in an email this is permanent with three exclamation points!!! I truly thought with all my heart he was "the one" and I'm be married to him forever. Despite my shock, I know I must have been contributing to this is some manner - like overlooking clues of him not appreciating me. It has been very helpful for me to read these comments and to know I am not alone. I share very similar feelings. At the same time, I KNOW that even though this is hell right now, we grow the most out of difficult times and there is a lesson in this for me to learn and I will be happier in the long run. I look forward to the day I will geniunely tell him thank you (with three exclamation marks) that he moved out. I would highly recommend "The Power is Within You" by Louise L Hay. It is very empowering. Now is the time to start doing things that we like and things that make us happy!

  • Anonymous-28

    I have been married for 20 yrs and have two wonderful children~ 17 & 15. I have followed my husband all over the country as he has built a very successful career. He started a new job Sept. 27th in another state and WE chose for the kids and I to stay here so my son could finish his senior year in high school. I have been on many house hunting trips to the new area, my daughter had been accepted by a very well know prep school and I thought all the scarifice and saving was about to pay off... Then, 3 weeks ago, I'm talking to him on the phone and one things led to another and he admitted that he's been having an affair for the last 6 mos (I now know it's been longer) and that he doesn't want to try counseling or anything else. It's over ~ he's moved on. Oh, and on top of all this~ our house had gone under contract the week before he told me so, I have movers coming to my house at 8am tomorrow to start packing us up. I had to find a new home in a diff. state, etc... It's just been to awful to actually put into words~ I just want it to all go away!!

  • Richard

    All,

    I too have been touched by what I read here. My story is I have been in a relationship for 11 years. It started as a long distance thing and gradually built from there. We talked for hours on the phone morning and night. I moved in her bungalow and got a job in Leeds to be with her. We were both deleriously happy. I asked her to marry me on the night of the millenium and got her custom made diamond engagement ring.

    Marriage was always going to be difficult though. I had been divorced as had she and she always thereafter refused to marry. Deep down this always hurt..but I understood and accepted things as they were.

    We then got our own place together..and ideal place in the country. We both wanted kids and tried desperately to start a family. I went to IVF with her and supported her with all my heart living and hoping. The drugs that changed her personality and feel so bad. Then it turned out she couldnt have kids due to medical reasons. Her age (45) also counted against us.

    We eventually decided that it was a lost cause and gave up. I was sad but agreed with whatever she wanted. She had the option of donor eggs but didnt want this. I wanted kids but never wanted to push the issue if she didnt want.

    So things continued and we had some lovely happy times. I loved her with all my heart and soul. I helped her with her job and listened when she wanted to talk. The assignments, job applications and all the supportive things couples do. I cooked for her most nights as she had private patients to see after work. I have a full time job myself and felt tired most of the time. I longed for quality time with her and lived for the time when we could cuddle up watching a tv show or have a relaxing bath.

    Sex was good and bad...not having time and both of not having time made us have no time. We were both exhausted. But when it did happen it was lovely. Bit it wasnt about sex. I felt totally at one with her and just loved to cuddle, chat. I loved to see her laugh. She gave me a reason for being and I did all the things I could to improve things...DIY around the house etc etc. I gave the space to do the things she wanted to do in life and pursue her career and always tried to support. However, I could see the effect work was having..but the more I asked her for time the more pressure it seemed to put and she resisted. I should have seen this sign and backed off. She became nasty at any closeness, even holding hands and I could sense I was irritating her. She said she wanted her own space.

    Then after a weekend away on a course she said she was going. She moved back to her M&Ds. She comes back to dump the waste from her patients to burn. She takes a few more pieces from the house which feels like a nail in the coffin each time. I called her and we talked for ages on the phone but she is adamant she is not coming back and that she is happy.

    I built my whole life around Sharon and just feel so much pain. I cant eat and I cannot sleep. All the things we used to do are a constant reminder. I find myself just shaking or bursting into tears. I miss her arm around me snuggled in bed. I miss cuddling up watching TV. I feel after 10 years to just give up and walk away is such as waste as I know there is a connection there. But it seems a battle of wills. I dont care about power or anything but having her at my side. But she sees things differently. I never understand why there is a battle of the sexes. I'm a modern man in every sense..I work and do my share of all the chores. I'm not her enemy and never have been or given her cause..but I feel cast into this. I've been 100% faithful and loyal and can accept any change with just some discussion. I dont drink or do drugs. I'd appreciate understanding how women perceive this issue.

    I dont know how to cope with things anymore. I'm trying to carry on with work and keep things going. But all is for nothing and nothing has meaning. Just wat is the point? The pain hurts so bad and I just cannot understand why. What makes someone just walk away and behave so cruelly without provocation?

  • Al

    Been married to my wife for 11 years and have 2 boys aged 8 and 3. Generally things had been pretty good but she does have problems with depression (been on pills for it a couple of times and had one serious episode in hospital as a teenger). We split up for 3 months 7 years ago because she decided at the time she didn't love me (almost out of the blue). It got pretty nasty over money but she eventually mellowed and decided she wanted me back. I came back (maybe stupidly) and everything was fine again. Until 3 weeks ago when she decided that we had a loveless marriage and she didn't want any physical contact with me (not that she wanted to split - she wanted to force me to make the move so she didn't have the guilt). I moved into the spare room and over the space of 2 weeks it just got worse and worse. She wouldn't talk, started ignoring me completely and doing stupid things to get a reaction from me. So after 2 weeks I couldn't take any more and moved out to stay at my mum's. 1 week later and she's already demanding money (she earns a decent wage but I earn a lot more) and trying to control me like she did in the relationship. What she fails to grasp (and did the last time this happened) is that once she's rejected me I've got nothing to lose by saying no. Still life is a real struggle at the moment and I don't know if the outcome will be the same as last time and she'll come crawling back or if this is it (certainly looks that way at the moment). The nastier it gets, the easier it is for me to get over her but I miss the kids so much and she's not making picking them up easy by being so vicious. I've get a very supportive family and I'm sure I'll get there but the thought of existing on my own scares the life out of me...

  • Anonymous-29

    My husband left me again this week. 3 years ago we separated. I have been with this man since we were both 18 years old. Fertility took it's toll on us. We have been married for nearly 7 years and together for almost 11. I just want to scream at him "what about commitment?". When did we all forget to help each other through the bad times? Isn't marriage supposed to be able to sustain the bad stuff? I am so disappointed in the person I thought I had married. I want him to come home. Then again, I don't. If he can't love me for me AND all of my faults, then I can't live with the shadow of him leaving again for the rest of my life. Does anyone else feel this way?

  • Sharon

    My heart go out to all of you who are dealing and coping with Divorce... There are so many emotions, thoughts and feelings that you go through. I am just recently divorced from the man who I thought was my dream come true, which turned out to be my worst nightmare. But, now I am free and free to live my life fully, there is so much more.... Stay opened and positive..

    I thank God for the courage to face the reality and end the farce.....after 27 months! I realized that I did not have a marriage as God proclaims or ordains. So the time came for me to take a stand, it was not easy but necessary to reclaim my life. I believe that God has a plan and purpose for each and every person. I want to state that good can come out of a bad situation. Please do not give up you must keep on moving, for yourself and children.... That we must continue to stand for our better selves and you're worth it. Please have the courage to keep moving forward, divorce is like a death. But, it is not end of life, if we make choices for life and new beginnings. My prayers and thoughts go out to all you for positive changes, restoration, and healing in the name of Jesus. With God the impossible is possible, I dare you not to give up or give in. Keep on believing and trust God, that is my hope and my faith that through it all, I learned how to lean on Jesus....

    God bless you!

  • Nate

    Ray,

    I know your pain. My wife of 12 years left me out of the blue this past Nov. We have 2 daughters, and I just saw them for the first time in 7 months. Painful is an understatement!

    She went home last Aug for a month, while she was gone she didn't contact me hardly at all, we then got in an arguement because of it. Three weeks after coming home she told me that she didn't want to be with me anymore. I thought our marriage was about as good as it got. We had arguements just like any other couple, but that's really IT! I never cheated or desired to cheat on her, didn't emotionally or physcially abuse her. I am by no means perfect, but I know no one is. All of our friends told me that they were floored by this, and they looked at us for a role model marriage. That's how unbelieveable it was to myself and everyone else.

    She came from a very dysfunctional mother, who married 3 times, and cheated on every husband including her current husband. All I can say is I guess it's what she knew. She insisted to me throughout our marriage that she wasn't like her mother, but apparently she was and bottled it up.

    I am a Christian, and I believed that she was pursueing her own relationship with God, but apparently I was nieve. But after reflecting ALOT I now realize she always struggled in her walk with God.

    She also has stated there will be no second chance, no counseling and that she didn't want a miracle. Who doesn't want a miracle in their life?

    I have been left in shambles too my friend. Even after 8 months I am still struggling. I lost my mother almost 5 years ago, and this blows it out of the water as far as pain. There is nothing like losing the woman you loved like no other, and then being stripped of fatherhood. I love my 2 little girls like nothing else on earth, and I'm now relegated to being what I feel is a "phone call daddy". The reason I say that is because I'm in the military, and unfortunately I have too much time to just separate and move closer.

    Brother, all I can say is pray like you've never done if you believe, and hopefully you have good friends who are willing to listen even when you repeat the common question of WHY? I have asked why a thousand times I bet. My faith has been challenged like you can't imagine. I know this wasn't God's will, but he gives us all free will.

    I highly recommend reading "When The Vow Breaks" by Joseph Warren Kniskern. It's AWESOME, and it will answer many questions for you I believe.

    The hardest part for me is letting go of the woman you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, but that is what has to happen. I have to trust in God, that I will experience joy again, and trust that he will somehow reconcile my ability to be the father I always wanted to be.

    If anyone else has had our similar experience I urge you to share.

    I pray everyone on here will realize God is the only way to heal from an experience like this. I am leaning on him to get me through. I am by no means there yet, but am trusting that I will get there soon enough, in God's time. Which is quick enough right now, but God has that time determined.

    Good luck to all, and may God bless each of you!

  • arthur

    I have recently separated from my wife of 16 years. I am looking for ways to cope and deal with this grief, guilt, and remorse. I have doen many things to isolate myself from my family and her. I have not been affectionate, passionate, and have been verbally abusive many times. I took her for granted. I treated her like a woman should never be treated and I regret not knowing how to accept her and her love. I now find myself crying everyday for no apparent reason other than I miss her and my kids, and the feeling of guilt and disgust towards myself. I have promised her I would change many times and never did. Now I find myself a lonely man who doesn't know the direction he needs to go. I often believe I will not make it and wish I could undo what I have done. I was never unfaithful to her nor was I physically abusive. But I was never supportive of her decisions and aspirations and always criticized her every move and thought. I can only guess what will happen to me as I find myself lonely, bitter, and hate at myself for being that awful person. I wait for her call and wait for her forgiveness but deep down inside I know she won't.

  • JS

    My wife and I separated in December and divorced in April. Like most people say, we had problems but nothing major. She is the one that wanted the divorce and I fought tooth and nail to keep it going. To make it worse, she was back and forth literally a few times a week for a few months on whether or not we should stay married. It was my first marriage, her second and we had 1 child together and she had a daughter from a previous relationship. Long story short, we lived in Indiana at the time and through some shady legal practices, she was able to not only get full custody of our daughter but move to Texas where her parents are at. I have our daughter every other month but my ex wife refuses to let me see or even talk to my once step daughter. This is the girl I raised for 2 years from a very young age and thought that I was her dad which for all intents and purposes, I was. Anyway, obviously my story is more complex as all of ours are but thats the gist of it. One other point pertaining to my step daughter, her dad is a scum bag rotting away in jail for the last few years who might I add, had a dislike for me but I still thought it was important for them to communicate on some level. I would let her talk on the phone to him and we saved all the letters he wrote and I just wish I would get the same courtesy from my ex wife. On a positive note, my ex and her family would encourage my step daughter to call me by name instead of daddy after the separation and she refused for a solid 2 months or so. God only knows what she calls me now but I guess it's irrelevant. Our daughter together is the greatest, most beautiful thing I have ever done with my life and I feel blessed everyday I wake up with her. It's been a hard 6 months or so but the clouds are starting to break. Stay busy people, get social, exercise, read more, better your life! If you have kids with your ex, concentrate on them. If it really is the end then go gracefully. Thanks for reading my rant and remember, all is fair in love and war. Y'all take care and keep your heads up.

  • Renee

    I married for the 2nd time 4 years ago. I had been through alot of emotional trauma - my youngest daughter had been in a serious car accident her senior year in high school and I had been her sole caregiver for 3 months. Before she graduated from high school, she and her older sister convinced me to go on the Internet to find someone to date. I had been divorced from their father for 5 years. So, taking their advice I took the plunge. Went on 1 date with the man I evenutally married a year later despite the fact he was 17 years older than me had been married 3 previous times had an alcohol problem and later I found out he had some very serious sexual issues (wanted to participate in a swinger lifestyle.) I participated 2 times in such activities and hated myself after. When I told him I would not do anything like that again he became angry sulking telling me that deep down inside I really liked it. He looks at internet porn 24/7 makes lewd comments about other women and tells me was fired from his job for sexual harrassment and the icing on the cake - did not attend the out-of-town memorial service with me for my stepfathers funeral sighting the monetary cost of going such a long distance from home and that he "hardly knew the man." However, he did make it a point to contact everyone he knew by email telling them of his "concern" for my family and asking for prayers. I had such extreme anxiety after losing my stepfather and having to deal with the same old stuff from my husband. I had told him many times that I was not happy..that I wanted him to quit drinking all to no avail. He would comment that he "did everything for me..I was the love of his life." What a crock. He can't love. I left him last Friday walked out with 1 suitcase and my dog and am staying with my daughter and her fiance. He has changed the locks on the door of the house I have to ASK permission to get my things out of the house and go when it is convenient for him. I have rented an apartment and will be moving in 8/1 returning to my job as a teacher 8/3 am broke my mother lent me money for the deposit he ruined my car I pay for his health insurance (which really pisses me off) and just want him out of my life.

    I have really prayed about this and feel that God does not want me in such a "dark" relationship. Psalm 121 is getting me through this and my hope that soon, soon I will feel better. I hate that while my mother is grieving and dealing with some very selfish uncaring adult stepchildren who act like 2-year-olds, that I am adding to her worry. I am one of 4 children and the only one who does not live near her. I am about 900 miles away. We speak on the phone at least 2 times a day and her life right now is just as much a train wreck as is mine. Thanks for letting me vent.

    God bless every woman who has gone through what I have been dealing with.

    Renee

  • anne

    Take one retired husband, too much time on his hands, enjoying his bar buddies to the point of getting drunk alittle too often and we have the end of a long marriage. The hardest part, as much as I grew to despise him & his ways, I'm shocked at the pain I feel. It's been a roller coaster ride to put it mildly, one day he wants to start over, the next he's "done" and ready to move on. I don't even know where I'm at anymore I just know it's a terrible feeling and it is only by praying that I find any sense of relief & hope. Blessings to all that share this pain, have faith, it will not fail you.

  • Nate

    To make a long story short, weve been together for 17 years, married for 14. Due to neglect, I began to cut off my feelings 10 years ago, and we separated 3 years ago. I thought I did not care any more, and thought there was nothing she could do to hurt me anymore. Then she met this guy and got serious with him fast. Our divorce is final in one month and I can't wait. The strange and unexpected thing is, it is killing me. I do not in any way shape or form want her back, and I especially want absolutely nothing to do with anyone in her family whatsoever, as they trated me like sh%* for years. But I am experiencing such pain and anxiety seeing her with someone else, and seeing him around my kids. My kids think he is great, which is a good thing and how I want it, but at the same time it kills me to see them look up to another man. I personally think it is due to the fact that our plan was solid in the beginning that we would marry and have a wonderful family together, and I stuck to that plan and she did not. She felt she was missing out on her youth. I resent her so much for not sticking to our plan, thinking the grass was greener on the other side, yet now she is in a serious relationship with someone just like me, and looking forward to having another child and getting married.

  • Tiffany

    I have only been married for about a year and a half, but I've known my husband for almost twenty years. (Since I was 10) He says he always knew we would be married and spent most of the past 20 years convincing me so. We started our romantic relationship 5 years ago and I thought I was so stupid for putting him off all these years. I have birth to both of our first 2 years ago and things were great. He proposed last Feb. and we were wed secretly within 2 weeks. Because our families didn't know, we still planned an engagement and a wedding for last Oct. Since being married, officially, in front of our friends and family so many things have changed. I miss my best friend. I miss him being my rock. Things are so different that he served me divorce papers on Mother's day of this year. It was devastating. I had a stupid affair a week later. I have since told him and, of course, it adds fuel to the divorce, but I am so sorry. I don't know if I want him back or if I want to move on. We have always been a part of each others lives. I feel like I"m sorry we ever got married...we could have been just fine not. It's just such a mess.

  • Randy

    Been married for 15 years to a woman I believed to be the "one" only to find three years into our marriage that there were serious emotional issues that needed to be delt with. After our first 7 years, we seperated only for her to beg me back and for us to work on our relationship. Now another 8 years has passed and both of us are miserable in our "emotionally void" marriage and the divorce will be final in Oct. The worst part out of all this is the realization I recently had when she told me she no longer had any feelings of love for me and didn't care about me any longer. This hit me like a ton of bricks..I wasn't ready to hear that someone I've known and been in a "relationship" for almost a total of 18 years who is the mother of our 2 year old, no longer loves me and is happy to be divorcing. That is a hurt I'm struggling the hardest with. I will always have a part of me that loves her and my only hope was that she could admit the same but it's not in her. This is a pain I cannot describe...

  • Melissa

    I have been married for 4 1/2 years but together with him for 10, since I was 19. When, out of the blue to me, he decides that he is done. He says that he knew I had some issues that I needed to work on when we got together, but he thought he could help me. That he married me because he thought I'd change and that he bought a house with me last year because he thought it would help me change. Now he says he's done. He doesn't want to try anything at all to try and save our marriage. I am so in love with him and it hurts so bad. I don't know how to start moving on.

    In the meantime, we are still living in the same house because neither one of us can afford to move out. I don't have much family in the area we live in, and since I've done almost everything with him for the last 10 years, I don't have a group of friends either. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop crying. How do I stop hoping that maybe, he'll wake up and decide that he loves me again.

    If anyone has any advice on what to do, I'd welcome it.

  • Adam

    I have been married 8 yrs. and been with my wife 12 yrs. We bought our second house together in Dec. and have a 4 yr. old son. She recently told me that she was not in love with me any longer. I tried to work it out through marriage counseling and trying to change myself because I began to believe her when she told me I was the problem. I have recently learned a lot of things about her (cheating w/ multiple partners, drinking, etc...) I was served last week, she appeared before a judge, told a lot of untruths and had me removed from my home. I haven't seen my son in 5 days. I am now in a hotel until I can decide what to do next. I have been doing a lot of thinking and am starting to feel a bit better. I am starting to plan for my new future and am trying to remain positive and optimistic. But, it is very difficult.

  • Anonymous-30

    I am sixty and my wife is 50. In mid July I discovered my wife of 29 years was having an affair. She was my Queen. She was the reason I worked so hard. During our marriage we had two children who are now grown. I made millions and I lost millions but lately with what is happening with the ecomony we were struggling. I gave her a chance to come back and insisted that she had to give up this guy, the credit card he gave her, the apartment that he provided her, etc. To date she has returned home 4 times. This last time she returned she told me that she would give up this new guy. Well just a few days into her latest return she told me that she was leaving me again. This will be the fifth time that she has left me in about a month and a half. One would think that I would get the picture by now but I still love her but I definitely do not trust her. By virtue of the fact that I am writing about this very sad betrayal it helps me sooth my feelings. When I first found out I was ready to take us all out. I still love her. I am still totally confused and _ _ cked up! But I will make it thank God. To whomever reads this just be patient and pray alot and you will get through all of the emotional mine fields that are out there. If you don't know how to pray then go to a pastor, priest, or rabbi just so you can have someone to talk to. Just do it! God Bless You.

  • Kristy Walters

    I just want to say I am a mental health therapist who has been through a divorce. 6 years ago we separated. About a year in I changed the way I dealt with him. In ways this helped. In many ways it didn't. He still stocked me and has demonstrated some very dangerous behaviors. Nonetheless, I have moved on with my life, I am not even recognizable as the woman I used to be. Every aspect of my life, self and way of thinking has changed. I genuninely hope he will be able engage in a renewal process and participate in redefination at some point too. However, I believe that for some people, the divorce, like the marriage has come to define them. There is a malingering seen as some like to play the victim role. Those particular people would prefer to be miserable. The opposite of love is indifference. To this a say cheers! In my practice I see many people who are suffering on both sides of the coin. My co-worker and I are working on a theraputic group to address the issues of high conflict divorce. Wish us luck. We hope to change the lives of many for the better. In the same way I have changed mine.

  • Sarah

    My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. We've been through a lot emotionally together...there were several HUGE fights and painful situations in our marriage, but we always seemed to come out stronger on the other side. My husband just sprung the divorce talk on me this past week, I was blind-sided! I didn't see it coming, didn't recognize the signs. He stopped wearing his wedding ring a while ago & I thought nothing of it. He says he feels bad and guilty b/c he stopped loving me the way I should be loved many years ago...he no longer finds me sexually attractive...he has feelings again for an old HS crush who is in the process of divorce now...but she is not looking for any relationships. I feel stupid...

    I feel like I've lost time somewhere...

    The HARDEST part for me is that he IS my best friend...I cannot hate him, even if I really want to. I am so lost & confused...I'm going to miss him...and I'm scared!

  • Michele

    I know exactly what you are going through. My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years. I met him when I was 19 and he was 24. He too told me that he wants a divorce because he is no longer in love with me anymore. We have 2 children together, ages 7 and 11 and live in RI. He has since left and moved to NC.

  • Rachel

    I was with my soon to be ex-husband for 5 years. Married for only about one short year. I thought everything was perfect...until

    I went on a Family trip to Tennessee for my Grandmother's 90th birthday. When I came back from my trip I found out that my Husband had been arrested for stealing from his employers in a group with other employees.

    I kicked him out of the house because I needed time to absorb the situation...During the time we were separated many things unraveled.

    I found out that he had been stealing for quite some time and selling items on ebay, he had racked up a HUGE amount of debt under my name without my knowledge BEFORE we were even married, and he had been telling my family awful lies about me to try and get a wedge between us.

    Up until this point in 5 years he never once showed a sign of this behavior and here had been living a double life. I have always prided myself in being a good judge of character but I made a HUGE misjudgement this time.

    The hard part of everything is that even though he commited these acts and I have since filed for divorce, You cannot just turn off your love for someone. I am devasted and cannot seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel...

  • Michele

    My husband and I are divorcing after 12 years together....10 1/2 married. We have 2 children together ages 7 and 11. He said that he loves me but hes not in love with me anymore. What a slap in the face! It just doesn't make sense to me because I didn't see it coming. I feel like I was hit by a train. It's only been a little over a month since he's told me but he's also moved out of state. We live in RI and he moved to NC leaving the kids and I here. I can't help but cry all the time because I'm extremely hurt but everyone tells me not to be. They don't know how I feel, nobody in my family really does. I feel ashamed that this is happening to me. Now I find out that he's slept with 2 other people which makes the hurt even worse. He could've waited until we were divorced. I see it as being betrayed and cheated on but he doesn't because we're not together.

  • Ann

    My soon to x and I have been together 15.5 years, married 14 years. He was very attentive, totally there emotionally for me, so respectful, wanted me to be his wife within 4 months of dating, and treated me like a queen. (so many red flags) I was convinced this guy was genuine and wanted to make a beautiful life together. We have one child, 11 years old. However, once he got comfortable, he couldn't hold a job, became distant emotionally, his passions were his books and music, and sex, well is it really important? Intimacy was foreign to him, if there was a conflict, he could not empathize with the other side, me or anyone else, but would write hideous letters and emails with big words to make him feel powerful. I recently did some research on a narcissist, and there he was, the entitled one.

    So now I am in warfare during this divorce. He has had a girlfriend since before I asked for the divorce, writes me awful emails that are a true reflection of him, which is pretty scary at this point. It feels like my attorney is not taking this guys emotional issues seriously regarding safety of myself and our daughter. At this point I don't know if I will be able to afford my home, may have to have joint custody, and he is going for spousal support.

    I don't get how the laws support people who are totally intelligent enough to hold a job, but feel that when the going gets tough they are entitled to quit their jobs. The laws in divorce also make this horrible situation so adversarial. Compared to many, I am stronger in many ways. If I didn't have this strength, I can't imagine how one can get through the process without major, major regrets because you are too weak to make the best decisions for yourself and if you have children for them when you are depressed and feeling like you are the bottom. Today I am feeling pretty low. I have been going through this process now since last November, and nothing is completed yet. Its a very long story, but mediation went south, he left out of the country for the summer and we are back at the tables. The mud is slinging all over the place to the point I don't know if we can clean it up enough to see the true picture. Mediation begins again this week, hopefully we can agree to psychological evaluations, though very expensive, get a signed agreement, and move on. The alternative is divorce trial. I will not have the money for that as my credit is already taxed.

    Sigh

  • Amanda

    Hi Michele,

    I feel you pain Honey. My husband left me in January for another women. He was with her before he kicked me and our 4 yr old son out of our home. I have gone through hell and Back!! Anywheres from being homeless, struggling with money, having a car that constantly breaks down and trying to put myself through school to make a better life for my son! This has been one of the worst yrs of my life I must say. Now he has another woman living with him and her three children. He has my son sleeping on an air mattress when he visits him and the other kids all have a bed to sleep in. That upsets me more than words could ever express. He is such a joy. A blessing and a gift from God I call him. All you can really truly do is be the best mom you can be and give your children so much love. Love them with everything that you have. They will remember!! When ppl say that time heals our wounds and pain it really does. I know that you don't see the light right now but, you will trust me!! I was completely and totally in love with my ex husband. I would have ran in front of a bus and died for him to make him happy. We just have to realize that the life that they had isn't the live that is meant to be for them or us. We are good ppl and we deserve nothing but the best :) I look back at all of the struggles and this may seem crazy but, I look forward to the struggles ahead. Life is a challenge we can either learn to dance in the rain or let the bad ruin our short life here on earth.

    What other ppl are telling you is the truth. You will get thorough this. What got me thorough it all is my son. Think of your babies :) Imagine how much better their life is going to be. I know that you are going to be okay. All of on here are all going to be okay. Keep your chin up honey. If you feel you need to cry then that is ok. I still cry and its been 9 months!!! It's okay. Whenever, you are feeling sad picture your childrens smiles.

    I will say a prayer for you and I wish you all of the best. And just remember that at the end of a rain storm the sun does shine :)

    God Bless!!

  • marcia

    Dear Ann,

    Your comments struck home as I divorced a narcissist who was never interested in me as a woman, told me he was assexual, and now my 22 year and 17 year old have been invited to meet his girlfriend's of 4 years college age son over the Jewish holidays.

    It does not hurt intellectually merely emotionally. I am embroiled over the situation. During our marraige, I was unfaithful but the narcissist who, like many narcissits is also passive aggressive, encouraged me to do so and it was always done in front of his face with men he invited into our home.

    Since you have only been married 15 years, I bet you are younger than me and are lucky to be free when young enough to start a new life for you and your teenaged child.

    It is funny what goes around, comes around, and now I am the one - after dedicating the last 5 years to spending evenings, etc. at home with my son - who has to start socializing, who feels like the victim, and feels hurt and abandoned. When married, the shoe was on the other foot. So I have to get over my ridiculous sense of feeling rejected, lonely and in pain. We had not been together for so many years, the divorce simply put a stamp on a failed marriage - we were in two bedrooms for at 10, 15 years before formally splitting nine months ago. The way I feel pained is self imposed and not in tune with reality. Why would I want to punish myself this way?

  • Tami

    Not sure how to deal with my obsessiveness right now. My husband announced 1 month ago that he is unhappy and wants a divorce, claiming that there was no way to fix us (which he means me) and promptly took all his clothes and toiletries and left. We have been together almost 9 yrs, married almost 2. He is currently pursuing his massage therapist. He denies it. I know better. I have proof and the way I have it is from obsessing and doing my digging. Unhealthy, but in my opinion, healthy in the long run. Yes, I know.

    Let me state that TRUTH is very important to me. I don't like having reality hidden or colored prettier to save my feelings. Let me have them! I can appreciate opinions good and bad, and facts, even with a emotionally destroying outcome, as long as I know what I'm dealing with, I understand better and can move forward. My huge issue is, what to do with the emotions I'm not so good at managing. Anger, insecurity, obsessing. How can I explain? I wouldn't say I'm passive-agressive as much as bi-polar (neither have been diagnosed by my counselor). Crazy thing is, I do know better, understand how I got here, don't have any fears about the future or how I'll survive the divorce, I know I'll find love again and better than it was this time, have goals to go back to school, have wonderful friends and family in my home state which I'm returning..taking 2 of our 4 horses with me (my loves!), have a place to live down there....and know for a FACT I'll be just fine, and yet I still obsess.

    I'm not living in anger right now. I do not feel insecure daily. His new interest is quite pretty and young! I can't blame him for being attracted to her. I told him the other day that I understood how he could develop feelings for someone else, afterall, I wasn't fulfilling his needs (sexually or emotionally), and I do not blame him! I do not point out anything he did to me, real or imagined. I keep my statements in line with how I feel and what I did. We both sucked. This was the reality of it. He was closed off, I learned to protect myself by closing off. Sex was rare. Sometimes I felt like he believed acting nice for 5 mins was worth me 'giving him sex' as he put it. Emotionally, in an adult relationship he was not experienced. He had dead emotions with his previous relationship..he never was in love with her and yet stayed for 6 yrs. She loved him madly, but he didn't return that love. They didn't fight. That's why he stayed so long and his belief about good relationships was based on that. He doesn't agree relationships/marriage takes work. He believed PMS was just a weapon women used to hurt men. He put up walls then accused me of being emotionally unavailable. LOL It took me years to see where that was coming from. Along with that understanding, came resentment. I looked up to him and listened back then. I worked on myself, believing he was right...then figured it out that he is so insecure about himself that he needed me to be beneath him to feel better. Argh! Talk about double edged sword! He looks at me as superior, but sees himself as inferior! I feel bad for him, and stupid I didn't see it sooner.

    It's only a month into this journey, and a couple weeks into the periodic obsessing. In another month I can see myself over the obsessing, but worried I'll be stuck in something else. I'm such a contradiction!!! Please! I do not want to be told 'don't do that', 'where does it get you?', or 'it's not healthy', as I already know these things. I am aware, yet feel powerless to the obsessing. Is there some way other than the usual obvious points to thwart the crazies?

    To all of you suffering and struggling, I'll pray for you! I will send good thoughts your way in my daily wishes. Please, Please believe in yourself! Please be kind to yourself! This is only a period of time in your life and we are all in this together! There is hope and light at the end of this tunnel...let's get there together!

    I will await any and all insight and guidance. I will be humbled by the truth, and enlightened by the unexpected. Thank you!

  • Indian Friend

    I could not help but cry after reading what happened to you. I pray to God, to protect all the little children and their mothers who are going through hell and back. May God give us strenghth to forget pain and move on with our lives. I'm sure people like you with little kids can bring their children wonderfully. God will be there with you every moment of life to over come this rough patch.

    Take baby steps and just concentrate on making yours and your child's future secure. Don't think of people who hurt you, God will know better what to do with them.

    May God give all the children all his love and care and protect them.

  • Yvonne

    Thank you so much for your advice. I'm 44 and 1/2 but I feel like 104 this week. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. Just last week he showed up with a 4-year old son from a previous affair again. This is after I forgave him in 2002 and gave our relationship another chance. I have 1 daughter and she is 16,non-verbal,non-ambulatory and about 8 mo. old mentally. I have no family in this state. I will not deny that I have had serious suicidal thoughts because I feel I have failed my little angel. but she's still here. There must be 6 billion people in this world and I feel I'm in the nuclear zone. Loneliness is not helping. I can just barely cope. But reading that what is happening to me is sort of the way things go, does.

  • JoniH

    I found out that instead of loving, honoring, and cherishing ME, my husband had turned to CHEMICALS to love, honor and cherish. Within a month of finding out, I had him in a detox at a local hospital. About two weeks after his detox, I found out he was back to using drugs again!

    How could drugs be more important than me?

    Now that he's sober again, I find myself wondering if I should go thru with this divorce even though we are both in different relationships now. We still have an amiable relationship even though we hurt each other. This has got to be THE MOST confusing thing I have ever been thru. Period.

  • Anonymous-31

    Hi my Ex Husband left me and our 4 year old son in Janurary for another woman. It has been a really rough 10 months. The divorce was final on September 13,2009 due to him comitting adultry and all of the years he had mentally abused me. It is funny how we don't see what is really going on in front of our faces until we step out of the picture. The thing that is really hurting me now is the fact that he seems to treat this new girl that he left me for a hundred times better than he had ever treated me. I am not trying to make myself seem like I am some kind of saint but, I was truly good to him. I did everything possible trying to make him happy. I even sacrified my own happiness to make him happy but, I WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH!! I pray every single day of my life that this pain will someday go away. I try to figure out what this other woman has that I never had. Any thoughts on how do you get over the hurt of an ex moving on I guess so to speak?

    Thanks for any advice

  • Joshua

    My wife left me over a year ago (May 2008) and the divorce recently went through. However, about a year ago, I got involved in a relationship that ended. She ended it about a month ago and I am really hurt. Because I entered this relationship, I think I delayed my grieving process with my wife. Now, I feel like I am doubly grieving now. I thought I was more emotionally stable to handle that...but was not. What do I do now? All I can think about is how lonely I am.

  • Needed Help

    Hi, this webpage has opened my eyes. Yes, we moved to fast in another relationship.

    I've been separated for 2 1/2 years and have been dating a guy for 10 mths, he also has been married and I broke off with him because of my insecurities of him maybe cheating. Now, it find out that he is stilling holding on to his marriage but doesn't want to get back in it.

    We are both still hurting but I feel because we both have been down that road we can learn from our mistakes and grow from that.

    But he needs time and I'm willing to give that to him, how can I help him through this.

  • Marko

    I think it would be interesting and possibly helpful to hear a follow-up story from some the people who have made comments here over a year ago.

  • Jane

    My soon to be ex- husband we were together for 13 years, everyone knew except me that we are not right for each other.

    He set fire to my cousins house whilst doing some plumbing? Of which he'd only done a weekend course for! He'd got no liability insurance and left me to deal with the £150,000 claim against him then left.

    He left 3 years ago, he now has a lovely new life with someone and a little girl. The one thing I wanted with him a loving family. Instead he left me and his son to find a home and build our lives without him and thats ok? He didn't even care where we were going to live, he was releaved when I found somewhere. He wouldn't divorce me last nov because it wasn't the right time for him.

    I lost everything that day, my self-esteem, confidence, security, someone I thought loved me but never did. I was told this my brother on his wedding day, a right kick in the guts to find out I've never ever been loved.

    I will never properly trust anyone again, these days people are not interested in how I am because I should be over this now. I am over him but it's everything else that life has to throw at you. I'm trying to move on but always get pushed down again.

    I hope there is a light at the end of this awful tunnel.

  • mac

    me and my wife were married for 7 years been together 9 till she emptied the house and took my kids 8 months ago.your head is everwere some days good some days awful never knowing what part of this frightening emoitional rollercoaster will take your heart next. i have since found out she has hooked up with another guy which has devestated me and left me numb and heartbroken.friends and family have been amazing but like we all know when you turn out the light and it,s you and your thought it,s tough as am typing this out the tears are falling i know people say you gotta stay strong but as we all know easier said than done.i just hope in years to come i will look back on these hard times and say i got through and maybe everyone who has contributed on here will enjoy boat drinks all of us keep are heads up.

  • Erin Heard

    I just found out today that my husband and me are getting divorced. He no longer wants to be in this marriage. Now, I'm feeling all the feelings in the world, most of them were mentioned in the article.

    Even know I'm knew to this getting divorced thing, I want to share some advice that I think might work. Thought stopping and thought changing. Whenever you start thinking about things that cause you anger or the tears to come think about something happy or neutral without the other person involved.

    Also, don't get trapped in the irrational thoughts either. I tend to do this because it's easy. I do the, "our marriage never mattered" and "he must not have cared about me," which is usually irrational thoughts. So check out your thoughts, if they are irrational, make them rational.

    Example, "He never cared about me," could turn into "He did care, we are just not right for each other."

    This tends to help me through any painful situation, so I thought I would offer it.

  • John

    I have been married 19 years and it is ending. I am afraid my relationship with my children will never be the same. The depression is overwhelming.

  • Trisha

    This may sound crazy but it's so good to read all these sad posts. Because I inititated the divorce from my verbally/emotionally abusive/absent ex, I never in a million years expected to grieve. I guess I am sad and missing what I thought I would/should have after 20 years of marriage, and not sad b/c I miss having another semi-luke warm body in the house. John, I can totally relate to the missing the kids. When they are with him I cry my eyes out. I never wanted "suitcase children." It breaks my heart!! And my relationship with my kids has changed as well. You do feel so totally alone, no family in town either.

  • Amanda

    I had read that someone wanted a follow up. Here is a follow up. This year has definetly been one of the toughest years of my life. It actually has been the year from hell. Me and my son have been through everything from being left homeless to having no money. Some how we managed to get through it. There are some things that you may never get over depending on how much you have loved the other person. For me I really don't think I will totally stop loving Todd. I have tried to stop loving him but, I can't. I have learned to accept the fact that I still love him more than words could ever express. I just want him to be happy. The relationship we had was not a healthy one. He very much verbally and sometimes physically abused me. I had begged him to get some counselling but, he didn't want it. Family life just wasn't what was in the stars for him. We have been divorced for almost two months and he walked out in January of this year. He has moved on with another woman which is really painful but once again you manage to wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.

    I have done a lot to change my life. I wasn't allowed to go return to school when we were together. I enrolled myself in the Personal Support Worker course in March and I graduated this past Friday Nov. 13, 2009. I start my new Job tomorrow at the hospital. There is no greater feeling than it is to help another human being. I do belive that everything in this life happens for a reason. You just have to get up every day with a smile* and keep trucking. You can't let them win. I have changed a lot. I must say that this is the first time in 5 yrs that I am completely and totally happy. I still have my moments where I do find myself crying. I will hear something on TV or see something that will remind me of my ex. You have to put yourself back into reality and be proud of how you have grown as a person, and how much of a better person you are because of the experience you have just gone through.

    You will have a much closer relationship with your kids. I have an amazing relationship with my son. Your kids will keep you strong. If you can survive a divorce you can survive anything!!! I am so very proud of every single one of you on here. Your stories have helped me and I am sure milliions more ppl. Remember you are not alone. Forgive your Ex. Not for them but, for yourself. By Forgiving them your are releasing them. You are allowing yourself to be FREE. Wish your ex a good life as I have wished mine a good life. I hope that he has a wonderful life with the one he is with now. I wish him wealth, health and much happiness. I pray that will have a wonderful relationship with our son.

    Remember your day will come. You will come out on top. Keep your chin up. Everything is as it is suppose to be. Accept what you can't change. I will say a prayer for everyone who has a broken heart. Just learn to accept things as they are. I hope this comment has helped someone. Even if it is one person. :)

  • Anonymous-32

    My husband hasn't spoken nor seen me from past 2 years. He lives in another country. Just deserted me to make his mother happy. Some times it hurts a lot .... :(. My only solace is tears ... . I see it coming and every thing will end. I don't how to cope. I wish he was kinder. Some people are so cruel , they are just disgrace to humanity.

  • Mike

    My wife and I started dating at 19 and got married at 22. After about 10 years she started feeling depressed over the thought that she'd missed out on her "wild years" and didn't get to do the whole random dating/partying/etc scene.

    It got to a point where we were on the verge of splitting up, so I gave her some "freedom" in hopes that she would get that wandering eye out her system and realize that she did indeed WANT to be married.

    Fast forward to today...when I gave her signed divorce papers. I never wanted this, never mistreated her, was never anything but the ideal friend/lover/husband/confidant. All along she cheated on me (the times I knew, it was without my consent) and treated me to what friends have said was a healthy dose of emotional abuse.

    Today is the day I get my self-respect back! I know it won't be easy for me, but I also know that it will be even tougher for her (I believe she has a relationship addiction - and somehow almost always picks guys with crazy police records - but doesn't want get help). It breaks my heart knowing what her future could hold for her, but she refuses to change, refuses to get help and refuses to even realize that she's doing anything wrong, risky or dangerous.

    She says she loves me. She says I'm the nicest guy she's ever met. She has said all along that she knew that she'd end up costing us our marriage but knew it was something she needed to do or she'd regret it forever.

    Thanks for reading. It's good to have a place to vent.

  • Anonymous-33

    I was with my husband for 15 years and we have one daughter. We have been divorced now for 7 years and even though I have moved on in many ways in my life I still have waves of sadness and grief that are so intense that they feel unbearable. It's as if we just split up yesterday.

    I feel that the divorce was my fault because I was unfaithful to him. I wanted to work it out but he couldn't forgive me. He's remarried now and his wife is pregnant. Because we co parent together and have to coordinate our schedules so often, I feel like my past is always right in my face and I just can't move on.

    I'm afraid that I will feel this way forever.

  • Jenn

    You know they say that God doesn't put anymore on you than you can handle, well he's got a lot of faith in me then. I just got married in March of this year but we've been together for 2 years. My cousin introduced us right after new years. Shortly after he was living with me. He seemed so perfect completely different from my exhusband. He was wonderful with my two children and he got one of his daughters to come live with us. A couple of months into marriage we find out that he has a 13 month old son from his previous girlfriend. We take the baby in as well. Just to let you know he would not work or as he says could not work. I was supporting everyone! You would think that I would be the one that wanted a divorce. We got into an argument that night no big deal but he blew it all out of proportion. He began yelling he knew that we weren't going to last and he hoped that I burned in hell. He began packing everything that belonged to him. He jumped in the truck that I bought him grabbed his son and left. I received a phone call from him saying that he was in jail for felony possession of drugs. This is where everything comes out. He had cheated on me with four different women (one of which he was headed to live with that night), he had a serious drug problem. Lucky me, I can pick 'em. My family tells me that if I take him back they will have nothing to do with me. I know that I should go ahead with the divorce but I love him he just has a problem, a serious problem. I pray everyday several times a day for the Lord to be with me, make me strong. This is so hard.

  • Anonymous-34

    I am writing today to share my story in hopes of helping others out there. My story is that I married my high school sweetheart after dating him for 12 years. We married in our late 20's with the thought that we were almost finished with our education and that we could focus on building our family when he each hit 30. My husband always wanted a large family, at least 5 kids he would tell people. I'm an only child so having 1 was going to be pretty life changing.

    So we had our first child in 2000 and it was so life changing that I thought I would never let my husband touch me again. I carried my son for 42 weeks and could never imagine the effects of labor and delivery. I breast-fed my son for 1 year. So during that year and actually prior to the birth of our son my husband has indicated that I started pushing him away and that he didn't feel loved.

    So to make a long story short, we now have 3 kids and my husband has filed for divorce because he has been having an affair with a 49-50 year old woman who is a grandmother with a high school diploma that worked for him in a previous job! Let me mention my credentials, so you can understand the irony in his selection. I have 2 masters degrees and work for a fortune 500 company making over 6 figures and we live in a 5 bedroom newly constructed house with a walk-out basement, while his "grandma" girlfriend is divorced, has 2 grown kids in the 20's, one daughter with a 3 year old and a son who has a criminal record and lives in a 3 bedroom townhouse in a less desireable dommunity and needs so much help to do basic things in life like get a mortgage and understand how financing issues. I also left out that I'm a real estate broker and have several rental properties that I bought with my own credit. Earlier this year, he took on a 2nd job so that he could support this woman by wining and dining her and I found out in August that they went on a week long vacation to Puerto Rico together. I subsequently found other pictures of them on short trips he took for his job. He filed for divorce in April of this year and to date has done nothing to move the divorce forward. He thinks that he is going to be able to afford a house once he gets his name off the mortgage of the house we own together.

    Like the others that have posted, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it from day to day. It is very painful to watch him self-destruct and know that what he is doing has a great impact on our children. I forgot to add that in 2007, while I was 6 month pregnant with our 3rd that he decided to take a motorcycle trip to Sturgis with his "grandma" girlfriend. So although I have no physical abuse, emotionally the damage is great.

    I could go on and describe other things that have happened in the last few years, but I won't. I will suffice it to say to each and everyone of you, hold your heads up high and know that your stories inspire and touch others you don't even know. You can and will make it and each and everyday is another day to do something great and make a difference. You need to reach down and find that inner strength, you have it, and make things happen. God is always there, you may not know it or feel it, but he is and he will help your through your troubled times. Be strong people and take control of your world, remember you can't control the actions of other people but you can control how those actions impact your world directly. Don't be a victim! Take control of what you can control and make changes, remember you can't change or help others that don't want to help themselves!

    God bless you all and continue to keep strong and keep your heads up!

  • alyssa

    I just don't know how things got so twisted and sad. But there was always emotional, mental and physical abuse. I had believed it was my duty to endure and just accepted it as a way of life. We were together 16 years and married 11 of them this week. There was a major affair, him, right when we were married and I was hospitalized and lost our baby. I was broken, and I beared the pain, because when I confronted him I got a beating, I blamed myself, I was naive, what did I do to make him cheat...The lies continued for a while and then the truth became blurred. He withheld sex and blamed me for it. So I carried that burden as well. He moved us alot was careless with everything, nothing ever meant anything to him, a few of his things, but nothing was ever sentimental. As the years went of the abuse grew, the walls became thicker, on both sides. The pain took me over. I'd always find things, whenever I confronted him, I got a beating emotionally and physically, I carried so much pain, his and mine, I was hurting my self with food, self abuse physical and mental, I could only say I want to die- because the pain was so overwhelming. In between there would be moments, but ever since we met, he was so selfish, and I could tell you just by looking today he doesn't love me. But when he did, he totally did, but then he'd add his ultimatums or insults. He would tell me I was crazy and I make things up and I don't know what I'm talking about, slowly stripping away at who I was.....Now I'm smart, but not when it came to him...Then the I don't love you started, and I'm leaving you, usually on or around my birthday, every year. there was always something I'd find, just so many secrets. But he'd was crafty, always convincing me I was crazy or beating me where I felt like the guilty one. He'd say I played games or nothing is good enough. I did so much for him, kept his house clean made his meals took care of every need, every want. But I didn't get responses, he was so checked out. I'd call it, and that would never go over well, Why I was under his spell I have no idea. We were isolated, he moved me away from my friends (which he had issues with everyone) he moved me away from my family, then I isolated myself, the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment. I became a recluse, he kept bringing home dogs for me to care for. I became overwhelmed, trapped and was now recognizing how scared I was. I became sick and he didn't care for me, I had alot of time to think. Only it took me a while for the thougts to materialize. I worked, so hard, for him, and did nothing for myself. I sacrificed, went without and put myself last in everyway. He started traveling, and I was relived when he left, alone but relived. Then his behavior became peculiar, and when someone is around 60 days a year you notice....I began to look at myself in the mirror, I recognized that I was sad, unhappy, and made so many mistakes.....But I hung on trying to get him to love me, shameless now.....But when he was around I began to wither away more...Then the divorce thing came, in a text, yes a 43 year old texted me it was over while he was on a business trip. It was odd and strange and once again the pain and devastation settled in, then the crazy emotions....Then he came home. I sat down to talk mentioned the divorce and he dismissed it, but never acknowledged it. Ahhhh more games... This time I wasn't really in the mood to play. I thought I observed, then he started suprising me at work, then we went our for dinner, I mentioned the divorce, I cried, I asked, he dismissed me....We went for dinner, it was awkward, but none the less, he was leaving for a month soon, and our anniversary was coming, and he admired this painting the restaurant had on the wall. I excused myself to the ladies room and bought the painting off the wall for him, (on my birthday) the waiter brought it over and he had no reaction, none, no gestures, he was just blank and it wasn't surprise. He couldn't even say thank you until I asked for it.....Ugh, that's been our lives, my life, my settling, my stupidity. So he left, he returned and his behavior was just different, disturbing, It really was more off than usuall. We had Thanksgiving and then he was off on a trip for a month. He left, I hacked his email and well lets say his newest sexuall activities are a 3 ring circus. Well the last 18 days are hell, doctors, our cars were broken into, where the little robber left his papers all over, with the attorney notes, then just one thing after another. So I borrowed money from my parents (yes, they have been bailing out me, for 15 years, because my husband is a selfish overgrown child). Sold some things, while they were still communal property, and filed for divorce. Ahh but then he calls convinces me to drop the protective order, which I do, then the bastard cuts off all funds...Mind you I'm off work on vacation for a month (school) I have five dogs and my parents and family reside thousands of miles away, I have noone because Ive become the embarrased recluse...So here I am, alone scared, I knew what I could get him to agree to pay, temporarily until mediation, so I did it. But he comes home in a few days, yes home part of the agreement was because I need to finish my job, he'll be around 30 days until then...and save money, every conversation leads to a fight. how can I possibly stop obssessing, deal with the pain, move foward and have to see him.??? how in the world does life get so messy and sad and confusing.Yes the marriage was disctructive, disfunctional and unhealthy, but it was all I knew for 16 years. I'm just operating at maximum capacity. I feel so broken. I wonder what's next. I'm afraid, but no longer scared....but then part of me thinks, ahhhh his plan worked I have cleaned up, picked up every broken piece in his life, just did all the work, willingly, obiently, and now I'm doing this while he's traveling, and extendedly and I'm alone stuck here taking care of the dogs....i cry but noone hear.

  • Anonymous-35

    I just want to tell you that you were innocent and trusted your husband,but it happens. Your heart was pure, be glad about that and be proud of your self. Its not possible for everyone to be honest and pure.

    You can forget him. You will meet new people and may be some one very good. It will take few days to clear all the mess. Just think how beautiful your life can become if you move on. You can and you will.

    Past is past, still the future has good things in store. Move on as fast as possible. He did not deserve you.

    Some times we will become so selfless that we forget ourselves. Every one needs to take care of themselves.

    You can make new friends become closer to your family.

    Just stop wasting your precious time thinking about him.

  • Larry

    On September 15th I made the decision to leave my wife

    of 25 years. She is 9 years younger than myself and a

    beautiful women. The problem was that she is co-dependant and was progressively getting worse with

    controling everything I did. She was judgemental, resentful and was very angry at me much of the last

    10 years. The resentments of the past kept building

    to where she would fully resent me for 2 or 3 months at a time. I just could not take it any more and will be divorced on February 5, 2010.

    This is a very painful process. This is my third divorce and all three women ended up being very angry and I am

    the easiest guy to get along with. My kids and grandchildren all love and respect me, but, my 3 wives

    do not.. I am now 61 and have decided to stay single

    for the rest of my life and keep my life simple.

    The artilces that have been written have been very helpful and I can relate to many of the real life stories.

    The following is my advice to you if you are going thru

    this terrible time.

    A. Keep busy and try and get something accomplished each day.

    B. Realize that you are a valuable human being and God

    loves you and will take carae of you.

    C. If you are in process of divorce try and be respectful

    to her or him. Keep conversation and e-mails short

    and to the point.

    D. Once you have made up your mind stay strong to your decision and do not get weak.

    E. Do something special for yourself because you are

    special and deserve the best.

    F. I have already forgiven my wife in 2.5 months and have wished he happiness in the next chapter of her life.

    G. I pray for her and have asked God to forgive me for

    leaving her. God is all knowing.

    H. Also understand that you will lose some friends. I had

    some friends from chruch and they have never contacted me even after writing to them and sending them a Christmas Card. I think some people do not

    know what to say. It could be that there marriage could

    be close to a divorce.

    I. Talk with your close family members for emotional support.

    J. With me, my wife did not like my family. I have reconnected with my family and its been so good to

    open up to them and start to communicate with them. I lost my wife but I gained my brother and sister.

    This being my third wife that I have married and divorced

    that the pain will go away and you will start a new life. It

    will all work out in the end and you will be a better person for it.

  • FreeJack

    My wife and I got married after dating less than a year. It was love, for both of us...and looking back now, I realize that I ignored a lot of warning signs that we weren't compatable in enough ways to make a marriage work. As the years went on, more and more things just weighed down on the marriage. Mistakes were made by both of us in how we treated each other...but in the end, while I wanted to improve, she saw no need for improvement in herself. The problems were all mine to solve, as far as she was concerned...and she had obviously grown tired of trying to make me into what she wanted.

    The process of her emotional and physical withdrawl started last summer, which was painful. I threw myself into relationship books and websites, trying to improve in my treatment of her and mend fences - but of course, her mind had been made up and the fact that she wouldn't do any soul-searching of her own, since she was already perfect to begin with, meant there could never be any healing done between us. We've effectively been separated now for four months or so and in that time, I've come to realize and accept my shortcomings and faults in this marriage. I know what I can do better. I also know that I would have spent another five years suffering, trying to make something work that really, just couldn't have. We wanted different things. We were just too different and we had different expectations.

    That didn't stop this from being incredibly hard, emotionally. I cried more and harder than I ever have, in my life. I relied on her, even if things were not always good. She was my wife, my family...I saw my future with her. To have that disappear and to know my fault in it was devastating. The realization that she felt no responsibility for it hurt even more. I had become accustomed to taking blame in our marriage...nothing was ever her fault, therefore it had to be mine. It took my friends and family telling me that it WASN'T all my fault for me to snap out of it and start really thinking about the past five years or so.

    In the end, I have come out on the other side of that profound grief with a greater sense of who I am and what I need in a relationship...and a much better preparedness for how to offer more and be better, next time. I have learned my lessons well. Much like the article states, I have spent the last six months focused on self-improvement and reflection...and I plan to take the next year to really work on myself physically and emotionally.

    We'll be seeing the mediator soon, to work out the details. It will end amicably, with no malice on either side and in that, I feel grateful. I still love her, even if it isn't in that romantic, butterflies in the stomach way anymore...and even with all the problems we had. I feel sadness and regret, but also realize that the future may yet be bright for me. I have a friend who's been divorced twice, yet when I met she and her new fiancee over the holidays, they were happy as could be and seemed to be just right for each other. Divorce is not the end of the world and I will survive it, fully intact.

    I miss the good times with my wife and the connection we once had, but time heals all wounds and we'll both be okay. I pray for the best for her and for myself as we go through this last legal process together, before going our separate ways. I will miss her, but I know she'll still probably always be part of my life.

  • heartrippedout

    Tammy I so feel your pain, i was the same way in my marriage with my husband I obsessed. I was constantly looking at his emails, phone bill just to get any sort of shred of evidence that my gut was telling me all along. Why did I need to know the truth so bad, my gut was telling me, why didn't I listen?

    I constantly thought my husband was having an affair or wanting to, I eventually pushed him away in doing this and was so insecure with myself. He left me in Jan 2010 and my heart is ripped out and so shredded into pieces. I have never felt this kind of hurt in my life. I have thought of suicide, can't really eat, sleep is hard and i have 3 children to look out for, i get so muddled through my thoughts, i find myself just out of it and temporarily out of order. I have a new friend in my life and he is helping me get through this difficult time, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't there to help me.

    When me and my husband would separate which was more than about 5 times in the 1 1/2 years we were married, i would be devastated and call him and beg him to come back, this time i didn't and i ended up meeting the guy I am talking to now. My heart is not ready for anything, and this is so far from anything I would ever even contemplate, but he is so understanding that i feel he was sent from heaven, he really is my lifeline. He is available for me all the time every time i call or text or im he is there. So, i feel lucky to have that but i am still in agony, but I know my husband and I probably should have never gotten married from the beginning, and I never wanted to but, i believed that he really loved me.

    I am just babbling, i cant' keep my thougths in order so i am just going to say time heals us all it takes one hour a day, one day at a time, to really move on with your new life.

  • Anonymous-36

    I have been reading some of the posts and decided to share a bit of my story. I say a bit because it's so much I don't know where to start.

    I was married for 16 years and have been separated for two. I loved my husband and father of my two girls like I had never had love anyone else. From the begining of our marriage he started being verbally and mentally abusive. I had always dismissed it hoping that he would one day change. He never did, we had a great 7 years where things got better and I couldn't be any happier then he started drinking heavily again and things went down hill. I still remember the day my soul left me. December 6, 2006. We had went to a concert and things just turned out wrong for no reason and he humiliated me infront of my family like never before. That day I died inside and I started withdrawing from him in every sense of the word. I tried to keep it together for my children but couldn't. Needless to say I soon found out he was having an affair with a married woman who was been known to be the towns slut. He spoke of her like he never spoke of me. He knew of her life and he would make excuses for her. It was enough for me. I decided to leave him, he wouldn't accept my decision and would stalk me. I joined the National Guard to get away from him, and he moved out. But when I returned even though he was still seeing this woman he kept showing up at the house without calling. I started having to leave the house on the weekends because he would show up in the middle of the night and would want to stay there. Finally one day I was away with some friends and on my way home he called and said if I wasn't home in 30minutes he would burn all my clothes. I didn't believe he would do it, my two girls were at home and I called my daughter and she told me her father was burning all of my stuff and that she saved what she could. I could not believe that! Needless to say I did not returned home that day afraid of what he might do. I got a protective order against him and he went crazy trying to tell everyone I was at fault for everything that had happened. Even though we were fighting each other more than ever he continued to try to get me back and move in. Part of me still wanted our marriage to work and part of me was dead. I made the mistake one night of having my male friend over, my ex came by the house that night with some friends and broke into the house when he saw my friends car out there. I tried to keep him from coming into the house but he was drunk and druged up he went after my friend and when he couldn't get to him the coward turned on me. He broke my jaw and was on top of me hitting me on the head had it not been for my daughter he would have killed me that day. He left me there on the floor and had the audocity to call my mother and tell her what he did. He told her to check up on me because I was such an overactor. Long story short he went to jail for two weeks and the day he left jail he introduced his family to his new girlfriend not the woman he had an affair with but some other girl that was 17 years younger than him. He was mandated to go to anger management and AA he is going to church and has become to other people what he should have been to us a good man. He now dates a woman who has three kids and treats them better than he does his own children whom he doesn't see because he doesn't have time for them.

    Financially it has been hard I had to take a second job and that keeps me from spending time with my girls. I still have so much anger toward him and what he has done to our family. I have many good friends and I know they mean well when they tell me I need to let go of my anger but I just can't. I feel very cheated. He should have been a good person for us not these people who he doesn't share history with. Everyone tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent yet I keep running away from any posibility of a love life. I'm scared to make the same mistakes and I don't want to feel this pain again.

    It's not easy, everyday is a challenge but I'm still here.

  • Sharone

    Peace be still....

    Be still and know that I am GOD. Psalm 46:10. Throughout my trial and distasteful situation "the divorce”, I had to lean on Jesus, friends, family and colleagues for support and comfort. I thank God that He never leaves me nor forsakes me. I felt setup and had setbacks, however, GOD showed out on my behalf. He will truly fight your battles. He knows the plans that he has for you there is an expectant end to the pain, sorrow, and heartaches. He is the God of all comfort. I had some financial difficulties but I put my trust in GOD and not my credit score, which affected by the charge-off and vehicle repelvin. Then, I let go and let GOD work out a miracle for me. Since my last comment was on July 3, 2009, I can boldly say that GOD fixed it for me. God gave me a victory inspite of what it look like it. The just shall live by their faith in God, not man or our ex-spouses. I will keep you in my prayers for healing, restoration, peace, and joy in the Lord. Please do not give up or quit. God still works in mysterious way with wonders to perform. KEEP THE FAITH!!!

  • MB

    I have had close relatives die during my life and it never hurt as much as going through this divorce. My wife of 14 years tried to tell me for many years that I had some major anger issues but I just blew her off saying that she was too sensitive due to growing up with her verbally abusive father. I now know better. Since she asked for the divorce several months back I have finally gone to counseling where I discovered that my minor anger issues are really major ones. I have been addicted to anger most if not all of my life and never believed it because I was denial. The woman that I really loved I treated very badly and I now have to live with that guilt and shame for the rest of my life. She is not willing to try any longer and has been unhappy for most of our marriage. I don't blame her for not wanting to try anymore I am amazed that she stayed as long as she did. We have two children ages 10 and 12 that will have to grow up in a broken home. Not seeing my kids everyday is going to be the hardest part for me. My soon to be ex-wife and I are trying our hardest to remain friendly for the sake of the kids. She is a very good person and is for now willing to let me see the kids as often as I like, which I am very grateful for. Divorce for me has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, pain, anger, fear, resentment, hope, hopelessness, sadness and even discovery of the person that I really am not the one that I thought I was. I really appreciate all the stories. They help me realize that I am not alone in my pain and suffering. For now I am just trying to take one day at a time and work on improving myself as a person, control and be aware of my anger, for my sake and that of my children. God bless everyone going through this painful experience and remember that you are never alone.

  • kerry-jane crawley

    Well!!! you just feel you are the only one in the world.We all have choices and I know I made some bad choices and I live to regret.I never listen to God just jumped feet first........I am tall slim blonde blue eye and 5'8" and English and I moved here 18 months ago, I live in sunny Florida U.S.A ...My life all went wrong 10 years ago when I lost my children father to Cancer leaving me with Edward 7 and Yasmine 4 he was my best friend, lover and a wonderful husband.After 5 year on my own, I remarried to a gentleman with wealth he was kind and loving and he seemed to love my children.No sooner we got married while still on our honeymoon he told me he whated a divorce I really couldn't understand this.When I arrived home upset, distressed sick with worry the mail was waiting for me on the door step,..love letter and photograph's hotel bills restaurant bill..table for two,he was still dating his ex- girlfriend and many other women that he paid for. I was just the trophy wife!! The marriage lasted ten month and in those ten month he mentally abused me and my children.I was like a little old women, my children kept on saying I what my mummy back.My friend pulled me out of that house and the divorce happen. I found out later he had a police record of physcial abuses behavior with many other women.It took me two years to get over the nightmare.What really hurts, my children witness my bad choice.

    You would of thought I would of learnt my lesson by now Oh! know, late 2006 I met a man a christian man a American, working in England with children of his own. He had lost his wife through cancer, so you can see we had alot in common we both went to the same church, our youngest children(both girls )were best friends.We starting dating he never told his girls he kept it quite.I never really questioned him, I thought as long as I was honest with my children it was ok.He ask me to marry him in 2008 I felt very happy and could not see any problems I was so in love with him he was a blessing. At long last I had met someone I could spend the rest of my life with a friend solemate. The English Government ran out of money he had to go back to U.S.A . Well he asked? told me, if I don't go with him the engagement would be off David never believed in oversea relationships.This was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life,my children were settle in a very good private school in Cheltenham I owed my own flat and car I had no debit I had money away for my children education family, friends my support group and I loved the church I went to. We got married in Florida 2008 it was great.I sold my home in England,my car. A new country a new beginning for me and my children scared but good.Within the first month of our marriage I found out he had old debit... house debit,credit card and so on. I put the down deposit for our new home in Florida.I sold my home in England also my car and I paid all the debit off.I never said a word I was very happy, this weight had been lifted from my husband shoulders.I was still happy and execised about our relationship.

    April 2009 I notice he was texting a women at work and coming home late sometimes nights, he was working late I believed him.

    May he had taken money out of the joint account putting it into another account.

    June he changed the joint account to single.

    Late june he throw me into a door and now I have lost hearing in my left ear,I never reported it to the police.

    July he re-directed the mail.

    September a lady knocked at the door and throw me divorce papers and so on......

    Today is 3rd March I have no job we still live in the same house he still mentally abuses me... (no longer physcial),he has been worn by the police. I have lost all my money and my health is bad.The house is on the market but the joke, he will get 50 per cent of the deposit I paid for.

    Bad Choice again.I love God and I know he will look after me, but I sit in shame for all the wrong choices I have made in the last 10 years.Its funny I still love this man I never thought in my widest dream this would happen.How could anybody take a person with children from her country and strip her of everything.

    I could write a book...someday I just sit and cry completely lost in shame.I just look at my two children and they give me strenght..I thank God, I did one thing right and that was a good mother I have always been honest about my faults to them.I just hope and pray the next choice I make will be with Gods grace not mine. God Bless everyone

  • REM2010

    Been married for 10 years together for 20. Im a successfull person with a 6 figure income. Both my wife and I had affairs in the marriage. I have been affair free for 9 years. But she continues along with it. Tons of male "friends" most of them kept a secret from me. She claims she is not seeing any of them romantically. But I am no dope. I can only surmise that I need to divorce her. She has been hanging around with this loser of a guy. Thinks he is some sort of deep individual. But from what I can see he is nothing more then a bum and facebook predator. He makes a third of what I do. Has 2 kids with 2 different women who suck his meager earnings from him in child support. But yet he has my wifes undivided attention. She thinks he is soooo great. To top it all off he lives with another woman who is supprting his deadbeat ass. My wife claims that he is only a friend. But I think otherwise. Im gonna have to hire a PI to get proof. But either way she has emotionally checked out of our marraige. Maybe I should just divorce and move on. Im pretty depressed about this whole thing.

  • Anonymous-37

    I was married when I was 18. From the first year we were married my husband started cheating on me. I didn't know how bad it was until 10 years into it he came and told me the things he had been doing. Even with my babysitter. After he told me that evening he went in and went to bed and left me there with all that in my mind to deal and cope with. It was very hard. I lasted 25 years with him and then finally divorced him. I remarried a man who came into my life and made all kinds of promises and never kept them. Only a month into the marraige things started happening and he had an enourmous debt that we paid in that three years. He started telling my family I was sick and needed to be in the hospital and be on medication and that is exacltey what he told me he did to he first wife. I was devasted and I filed for divorce. He threatened to take everything I had ....Not like he already and drained everything from me with his large debt. I am losing the house i've lived in for 30 years becasue of him. He put me in more debt then I have been in the total 25 years I was married. When I married him I had no debt. I left my ex husband with no debt. All I had was my home and he insisted on putting his name on it in pretense of helping me. Not a month went by after his name was on the house and he went and got a home equity loan to pay off his credit card from his divorce and his lawyer. I found out he had 30,000.00 worth of back taxes after we were married. When we went through the divorce my lawyer was stupid and didn't help me at all. He has financial devasted me and said things to my family and friends. He lied in court to get what he wanted. He told me before he left the house....Life is a game. You do everything you can to win and when you don't win you cut your losses and run. And that is exacltey what he did. He has tried to turn my family against me. I had to put a restraining order on him because he wouldn't stop calling me. At work at home on my cell phone....I have the records to proove the harrassment. There are phone calls to the same number sometimes 3 charged in the same minute! So in 4 years I have gone through 2 very hard divorces and family problems and I am struggling. I still have a 15 year old daughter that I am trying to take care of. I am loosing my home. This has been a nightmare and I don't know when it will end.

  • Carmela

    I met my husband 8 yrs ago and we will be married for 5 yrs this May. I'm 41 yrs old and we do not have children or a house to fight over. We had a wonderful relationship and he was a great husband. He had a bad childhood while coming of age and he cherished my family because he finally had one to call his own. I've been told that meeting me changed him for the better and honestly he really was a good husband.

    Seventeen months ago my husband became addicted to drugs and he walked out on me. We were fighting a few months prior because of his addiction to perscription drugs. I couldn't afford to live comfotably in our high end apartment so I moved in with my parents. We've talked everyday for the last 17 mo like we are a couple in a long distance relationship. I chose not to give up in hopes that he would go into recovery. Since then he has hit rock bottom several times and he is facing jail time for assault of a police officer and DUI. But still I stood by him via telephone. He has been leading me on all this time accept for two weeks last fall when he was unfaithful to me. We are not legally seperated and we promise eachother that we are committed, again via telephone. I'm sure there have been others but not for me because I wouldn't dream of it. I have myself convinced that it is because of his addiction and that none of it is his fault. I am somewhat conservative and I come from a straight laced family. My family is totally against a reunion for us. I told my husband if he recovers that I would choose him over my family if they wouldn't come around.

    Last month he went into rehab and he stayed in for thirty days. He relapsed three days after he came out and he is living with his mother. He claims that it was only one time but I think something is off about him. It seems like he does everything I wouldn't approve of him doing. He got a Tattoo sleeve on his whole arm of a nude mermaid. I'm not a prude and it nice looking but it's not kid friendly and I am very family oriented. I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. He actually gave me an ultimatum to move in with him immediately or he has to give up. He goes to meetings everynight and then he goes out with the group after. I have a problem with him spending time with other women because I guess I'm insecure. He doesn't answer the phone until he gets home usually after midnight. He blames the fact that we are still apart on me. But how can I just up and move when he is still unstable. We are actually both currently laid off so I wanted to wait until we get new jobs.

    The reason I am posting is because I am emotionally drained. The depression is getting worse and I cry all the time. I only participate in family social events. All my friends are married and I feel so alone. I feel like I wasted 8 yrs of my life because now I probably will not have children because of my age and I just feel old.

    I feel like I can't let go of him. I feel like, "this is who I love this is who I had a beautiful life with and that is who I want to be with". But the addiction changed him because the man I knew is gone.

    I literally can't see myself in the future. I don't know how to be myself again instead of Dennis's wife. People always say I'm lucky because we have no children, no house and only eight years to let go of but I don't see it that way.

    I f anyone has any constructive critisicm, advice, etc..feel free to drop me a line.

    Thanks for listening.

  • Sherry

    I have been married to the same man for what would have been 23 years in May. We have had a rocky marriage the entire time but i never gave up hope that his drinking would one day stop...It didn't stop.. when he got a better job making more money he moved out after a bad argument of him not coming home until late every night. I have no family in Florida, never had children therefore i am all alone.. I feel like he was my best friend because when times were good they were really good, i will miss the flowers on my birthday and anniversay, his touch, his smile.. I will be leaving Florida and headed back north to be with my brothers and giving up everything. My life will be starting over and i am devestated.

  • FreeJack

    I read a common theme among a lot of the people who've posted here and it's fear of the unknown. I've had six months of separation from my wife (we filed in January) and I can tell you that getting back out on my own has helped my mindset immensely...but I know the fear that people so often describe, very well. It's a trap, though. Trust me, your life will improve by leaps and bounds, if you allow yourself to make a change.

    If you are one of the people who is in a loveless and unhappy marriage that cannot be salvaged (and you can only determine that by being very honest with yourself), believe me...there IS light at the end of this tunnel. It may take time and the journey will not be smooth, but it's there. I felt the lowest of lows through this process of letting go emotionally and physically, watching what I thought was my future evaporate. Now, though, I realize that my future is yet to be decided. I choose to face the uncertain future with hope, now...knowing that I'm not locked into a situation in which I cannot be happy, anymore.

  • Denell

    Reading the comments here allow me to see that Im not alone. I found out 3 days after my 7th year wedding anniversary that the mother of my kids was cheating on me. To make a long story short, bascially I took the blame, we got back to gether and over the course we went to counseling, but the thing was our problems were regular marital problems, that could have been worked through and in the end i found out I was the only one who wanted the marriage. We had been together since highschool. I don't understand why this is happening to so many people but I do know that God is God. My emotions have been on a roller coaster, cause like so many say it is a death going through divorce. I am now in control of my emotions and still have the not so good days, but one thing I have decided to do is lean on God. I know a lot of people say that but when you do that He will bring people in your life who can help you get through this time. Yes it is hard, yes you will cry, yes you will be angry, and yes you will smile again. Just like winter comes and goes so will this, You can make it through, I was once at a point where I didn't think I would and God brought people in my life to help me. Yes he or she cheated on you, yes they broke the vows, and yes they broke your heart, but Jesus says He has come to heal the broken hearted. What done has been done. You can still have a bright future, but its up to you. Don't allow the one whom hurt you to continue to hurt you. You can win in life. This is just a set back for a setup. God Bless You!! Someone whom is going through the same thing!!

  • Angie

    my husband of 10 years (together for 15) has told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore - he is not willing to try counselling (although we have tried it before) and wants me to understand and move on. I am completely devastated and can't stop crying. i knew things were difficult between us and we have lived seperately for nearly a year - with a view to sort out our problems and get back together. whilst recently on a weekend away together he said he just wanted to be friends. i feel like hes lead me on.....i always thought and had the faith that we could get past our problems and i never expected him to do this......so final. i feel like i can't move on and although i have read many things to say these bad feelings will pass i'm unable to find any comfort.

  • Anonymous-38

    reading everythiing you all have been through makes me realize i will make it. i have great friends and family behind me it just hurts i have been with my husband well i guess ex for 10 years since i was 19 we have 2 kids 7 and 4.5. i'm just so scared because i feel like my dream has crashed down. all i ever wanted to be was awife and mother and i feel like i falled but like most of you my spouse wasn't willing to make sacerfices and was very selfish and also has a drinking problem and i always made excuses for his actions.

  • Anonymous-39

    My husband, whom I had a relationship with for 10 years, married for three left in November and refused counseling to work out our problems. Today, I received a joint settlement agreement for divorce from his attorney. Ironically, he signed the paperwork on my son's birthday (4-22) and had them delivered to me the day before my birthday (4-23). Well Happy Birthday to me. What a blow. I have had ups and downs (mostly downs) since he left. I went from a size 10 to size 4. I am almost 5 foot 8. I was so depressed and all I could do was work and go to bed. I had no desire to eat. Finally, I started eating again and today was a huge set back for me. I pray that God will see me through this because the pain is difficult. My family is non-supportive. I only have a couple friends who seem to truly care the pain I am suffering. I know I made mistakes, but no one is perfect.

  • Anonymous-40

    I really thought divorce happened to other people....my husband and I talked all the time about how lucky were were and it was "too bad" so & so were getting divorced.....well, here I am 1/2 of the so & so we always talked about. We celebrated our 10th anniversary last year....I can honestly say, the first 8 1/2 years were pretty good years....the last year or so we drifted apart and were polite roommates. I remember thinking....there is no way I can live another year like this last one....he felt the same way. We did try counseling but decided it would be best to go our separate ways. Now we each have a lawyer and are in the discovery process of the divorce.....I can see why some people at this point decide to pack up and say "See ya". I believe God has good things in store for each of us and I know I was not happy with the way things were but boy when they say you have good days and bad days...they were right....on those bad days I feel like I am an autopilot living someone else's life....

  • SEO

    At the beginning, I had the most wonderful and happy marriage. Later my mother-in-law started steam-rolling me with expectations, saying strange things like "Is this what you feed my son?" and before you know it, I was married to my mother-in-law instead of my husband. I walked out after 6 years of a promising partnership, because I couldn't throw away my integrity to play theatre for a mother-in-law who revels in fake niceties and a husband who increasingly developed "You'll do it if you love me." stance.

    Now, there's no hope for reconciliation and it is the end of my fairy tale.

  • hittinglows

    I am recently divorced from my wife. One of the hardest aspects is seeing my wife when she doesn't have a heart for me (her reality for a number of months). Without love we are very self protective beings and this can cause a lot of hurt. We have kids and they are a source of much joy - I have then every week on weekends. I see from the stories that many of us have a shared experience and I find it really sad that so many of us go through this. Knowing the symptoms of depression I know that I am currently depressed (no motivation and tired - life has been sucked out of me). I do think men hurt as much as woman - we are all emotional people - perhaps men feel the need to mask it more? Anyway, from my side, doing depression is not going to be easy but I am hoping the far side brings much brightness and colour. I believe that to a degree the choices I make along the way will influence the degree to which that is true. I come out owning nothing and carrying a lot of debt. God, please help me.

  • Anonymous-41

    It's been 30 years ... wow... I can't believe that. 30 years and 4 children. I feel pretty pathetic to tell you the truth. I put up with his insanity for all these years. At this point I think I'm more angry with myself than with him. He is what he is. No hiding it. He's all about himself, what he can get and gain. The world revolves around him. I'm so angry at myself!!

  • Sue

    I was married 27 years just finished building our dream home we had moved away from other location after living there 20 years. I have to son's married and a grand daughter.Five months into our new home he started saying he needed space. Then we went to counseling I was trying every thing to keep my marraige together.He was going threw change of life new corvette, new clothes, started drinking every night staying out to 2 and 3 every night.I was devasted and lonely , scared and afraid, I had not worked in years my life was my children and husband. He was having affair with his sectary and she filed for divorce same time he did.Things got bad for a while I started having panic attacks lost 50 pounds I was in really bad shape. Its been 3 years of battling and he still starts stuff with me.But next weekend he is marrying a differet girl that is 26 years old and a 4 year old boy and he is now 50 years old.I am really having a hard time with this she is the age of one of my son's. My son's are also having issues with this. I am still going to counseling and on medcation for my anxiety and attacks come and go, been in hospital 4 times in 3 years.Hard to get job when I have very little skills plus my age. I never thought in my whole life this would ever happen to me.Any suggestion would help. Thank you

  • Anonymous-42

    After reading all the comments I know there is hope for a great outcome after all the emotional turmoil dies down.

    I have been married for 2 1/2 years and together with my husband for about 7 1/2 in total. We got together when we were both 18, had a child really early into the relationship and starting playing house at a really young age. Our relationship started off on the wrong foot, boundaries for respect were never set and we never really appreciated eachother. There was some emotional abuse in our relationship that has broken me into this sad puppy. He recently told me he wasnt in love with me anymore and he wants a divorce. He left the house and 2 days after he left I find out I am pregnant with our second child. I have tried to talk him into not losing hope and making this work for ourselves and the family we have together. He wont budge and I recently found out he's been seeing someone at his job ever since he left. I am totally heartbroken and devastated, maybe its because I am pregnant but I feel like crumpling over and giving up. He is getting the divorce papers started and we should be divorced in the next couple of months. The fact that I have to continue seeing him (almost everyday) becuase of our son is making this So much harder on me. I am about 4 months pregnant at the moment and the depression is taking over, i cant eat, sleep, work, function and I am losing it little by little. I want to give this to God and have him take my back and fight this fight for me, but I dont know how/where to start. I have a very supportive family that will help me get through this tough time but I dont see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love him and dont want this to be over, but I cant do it alone. In the next couple of months I will be a 25 yr old divorcee with 2 children but God has my back and I have to get through this!!!!

    Your prayers in this tough time is greatly appreciated.

  • Kelly

    My husband and I will be married for 9 years this June 15th. We have been together for 11 years. We did a trial separation last year around this same time for 3 months and decided we loved each other and wanted to try to make it work. The main issue is my husband is a very lost soul and says he is just a generally unhappy person and needs to "find himself". He says he loves me and cares about me so much that he does not want to drag me along in his uncertainty in life and loves me enough to let me go. We were going to do a legal separation but have recently decided to divorce. The idea of 6 months or so of not knowing what might happen I think would be unfair to both of us. I feel schizophrenic going through all of these emotions from acceptance, to denial, to fear back to acceptance, to how can this be and back again. Luckily we do not have children and only have a house to contend with. I think I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that welove and respect each other but we are parting. I always thought divorce was for people who hated each other. Guess I was wrong.

  • Dave P.

    My world ceased to be on the morning on 5/3/10 when I came back home unexpettedly to find my wife of 6+ years having a affair w/ the same someone in 2005. Of which she begged and pleaded for forgiveness and I relunctly did so for the chidren........ I make over %80 of the incoume for the family and all credit is mine (hers is terrible) including the house cars, bikes, boats. Long story short I am homeless at times and this guy movesinto my house on 5/5/10 and cannot get anything done fast enough to remove him short of well you know.I am devasted to say the least and seaking meds and counseling for the nightmare that was unwarantedI cry out for my children and know one seems to hear my calls to save them from this terrible environment. I always wanted the lifelong commitment w/ just one woman, so that we could push each other around in wheel chairs..... SOUL MATES FOREVER,,,,,, I want all of this behind and my children so quickly~

  • joe

    Since my wife left me for reasons i dont understand, (woke up claiming to be unhappy) I am still struggling inside. I have 2 beautiful boys 4 and 7. Found out she had an affair and forged credit cards in my name that I have been responsible to pay off. 2 years have gone by and now we are divorced. Despite all her actions and my financial losses I still love her. We communicate well for our children. I just want to be happy again but I don't see this ever happening. My Heart goes out to all of you because, I know your pain... I must live for my 2 boys and be the father they need!

  • Frank Misa

    I was married 5 years ago. Left for studies to the US. Within 6 month she hooked up with this married man. I had began to file paperwork for her to join me in the US. I then cancelled the process. They have a baby girl born almostr two years ago. I have tried to get a divorce but very difficult as the last time I travelled to Kenya for the divorce, the Judge had a committment out of the country. It is damn expensive, I can not be able to visit soon due to the nature of my job. My lawyer tells me that for the divorce to be nullified bothe parties have to be there. My question is? Is there a way a laywer can represent you in a divorce case when you give him the authority to do so. I need help. They are enjoying their good time while am left pondering what became of me.

  • Sally

    I'm 30. Was with my ex since I was 18. Have gone from the most happy person alive to the most miserable. Never thought this would be possible for me given my typically optimistic outlook on life. Not sure where to go from here. It's been just over a year. I left, things weren't 'right' between us. Felt as though I'd gotten closure before I actually left. Have been quite surprised by the fact that I wasn't very emotionally prepared for the fallout. Seem to wax and wane in and out of some semblance of emotional stability but often have feeling of sheer terror believing I'll be imprisioned by my feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, lethargy and pessimism forever. Realise I am depressed but am not sure how to move myself out of this stage. Friends seem sparse and I feel like a burden to the couple who have chosen to stick around. Feel like a failure given I can't seem to shake myself out of this hole of unhappiness and thought I was much more resilient. Wallowing in self-pity but when I try to move on I feel fradulent. Wonder if I'll ever be my old self as I wish desperately to be me again. Feel relieved that others feel similarly and wish there was more open discussion of these types of feelings in the 'real' world. Feeling like you have to hide your feelings makes you feel so isolated and abnormal. Having people tell you to 'get over it' makes you feel so incompetent. Hope you all find your way through this painful experience. Would appreciate posters discussing what really got them through this time.

  • Anonymous-43

    I have been married to my husband for 3 years. We have definitely gone through some rough times, mainly connected to his drinking, but I thought that would change. Often, he would choose spending time with friends (out late, sleeping at their houses/apartments) over coming home to me. It hurt my feelings to say the least, especially because I voiced my feelings regarding the situation, to be met with apologies and promises that it wouldn't happen again. His drinking slowed down somewhat, however, over the past year, he has received 2 DUIs and lost his license for a year. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and when you can't totally depend/rely on the other person, it is hard to keep it going in balanced. Needless to say I was working 1 full-time and 2 part-time jobs to support us while he was working on his education. I feel like I want to move on with my life and his actions of disregard are hindering that. It is just hard to lose someone who you have had good times and memories with and walk off to an uncertain future ahead.

  • Confused

    I got married in 2005 with my boyfriend whom i went out with for 3 years. after 1 and a half years of marriage all fell apart. i found out he was a paedophile and i got separated. at the same time i met someone and later on fell in love with him. he is a wonderful guy who loves me like crazy. but i couldnt, still now gather up the courage or strength to divorce my husband as i still feel confused about what to do. what do i call this weird feeling? i know i cant live with him bt at the same time i feel terrible about divorcing him. i love the man i am involved with right now. please help and suggest.

  • Anonymous-44

    i dated my husband for 5 years. we have a 8 month old baby together and got married in january of 2010. now here i am, in august getting divorced. we had our problems and mainly because he had his. he is manic bipolar and suffers from depression. also, an addict.

    i did anything and everything to make us work and would've given the world for him. i woke up on a wednesday morning with a happy family, and went to bed that night with a broken home. since we broke up he got a girlfriend after a week, i found out that he was doing morphine patches w my daughter was 2 weeks old. and since then has done oxi's and smoke crack. a few months ago my landlord knocked on my door telling us to get out because we hadnt paid rent, i had no idea and instantly started crying. my husband had gambled away the rent money. but i wanted to work through it. i didnt trust him but we had a family together. one day he didnt come home and it was the last straw. i told him i wasn't going to be his doormat anymore and it hasnt been long enough for me to even begin a grieving process, but i know already it was the best decision ive ever made.

    i am 19 years old and a single parent. he spends his night at the bar his girlfriend works at and i spend mine taking care of my daughter. he doesn't see her or pay support. but i know that my daughter and i will be happy just knowing that he can't hurt us anymore

  • Paula

    I'm happy I found this site....I want to post to everyone but I'd like to comment to "Sally" who posted July 1. Wow! You wrote w/such honesty. It hit me to my core as I have lost some friends during this process of breaking up/divorce. Im not sure if they just dont want to hear it....or are afraid I might ask for financial help....or just dont want to be around the negativity. I'm ok w/it now....life has changed for me and I have gone to hell and back on this emotional rollercoaster. I havent been getting together w/the friends who have stuck it out w/me because I feel I have to put on a happy face....and thats not me right now. So, I dont meet them. When I pretend to be happy I feel awkward and although in the past it has helped, the situation right now is so intense....I have to just ride it out,go thru the emotions and wait for better days. Thats the only way thru this....I have attended support groups, purchased books and because of my strong faith, lots of prayer. There is no magic fix....and some days I really hate it. I hate feeling less than, pushed away, depressed, deflated and like I cant go thru another day.....but I do. Life isn't over....and one day happiness will come knocking as it will for all of you who are suffering right now.

  • Anonymous-45

    I moved out in Jan 2010 after 7 years of living together, no marriage. No kids. I have some major health issues..chronic lyme disease that got much worse a couple of years before we split. Exhaustive fatigue is the worst symtpom. We were up and down, both with illnesses during out 7 years. I often wanted to leave but didn't. He has a mild manic/depressive condition that I think really was a problem that we didn't look at straight on. He'd get spacey and vulnerable and was afraid of not making enough money. Very insecure. Then it would shift and he would be stronger and secure. I then I'd assume he was better and would always be like that. this just went on an on. I didn't have skills to talk about it well. He didn't want to admit he had that problem, although it was diagnosed. Finally tried to get him to go to counseling with me and he wouldn't. I got much sicker and really needed some help last year and he wasn't there for me emotionally at all. Finally I realized I could not get better in that environment and left. Then he seemed to want to still date me! Now I just ran into him with a woman he has been seeing and it hurt so much. Even though I feel we should not be together. I just feel so lonely and scared and worried about my health and my family is also ill/elderly or in financially terrible conditions. I am the backbone of my family and I need a support system! Bleah...thanks for listening anyone. It is helpful to read other stories and realize this loneliness and vulnerability is normal. God bless you all.

  • Pat

    I was married for 23 years, my husband who was at time manic says he wants to separate to grow up and make sure this is what he wants. by the way he is 60 years old. After separating I checked his cell phone usage and found he was having an affair with a mutual friend and someone who worked in the office with us. Yes we had started working together 2 yrs prior as RE agents. I filed for divorce and he has fought me ever since. He has been living with her since last november our wedding anniversary. but begs me not to get a divorce he wants to work things out. I was ready to move on, the profound sadness is my feeling to try and shake. but with his coming back has opened up old wounds. Finally I put a stop to his calling and said goodbye. next day he has a heart attack. He is fine now but she said I have nerve going to see him especially after what I put him thru. HUH I guess she didn't have nerve sleeping with my husband. He was married before and so was I. He had 3 children and I had 1. His children are married have 8 grandchildren. Emotionally I haven't been able to keep in contact with them. It is so hard to see them takes me weeks to get over the visit. I was the one who babysat and talked. He didn't have time. I left last march 09 before that he had threatened me with physical harm, screeming telling me I had to leave my dream home, which has since been sold this past may 2010. rear ended my car because he wanted to hurt me. so I left for my own safety. Of course now he says it was alcohol that made him do it. I am out of work, couldn't go back to the office with the 2 of them there. Nothing done by broker since affair was going on at the front desk she the night time receptionist. Feel so betrayed in so many ways. But our friends have rallied around me and cut him off. the other reason he wants to work things out, I take him back everything will be the same as it was. NOT! He just doesn't get the pain he has caused me, my family, his family and our friends. After 23 years.

  • Vanna

    Been together for 8 years and married for 7 years - no kids (thank goodness). I know the typical blame the other person for their problems is the norm. I'm not going to place blame here.

    We didn't work out.

    The kicker - instead of filing for divorce he decided to go back to his ex wife without tell me. Even right now - he's playing the "I love you and let's work things out" game until he graduates from school. He needs me to pay the bills til he can graduate and move out of state.

    Well, message to "Mr Wrong" - you aren't going to use me - I'm moving out within 30 days.

    Oh! I just realized - he will be leaving the state I now live in when he graduates - no chance of running in to him - that'll be great!!

    Ok - so I'm still in the house - preparing to leave - it's a sad time. All our future dreams together have ended. I look forward to meeting my "mr right" and starting fresh. Most of the time I am actually happy - but once in a while I get teary eyed because I'll be leaving a couple of dogs behind and I'll never get to shop in the new Superwalmart being built.

    I can't wait until I move on to my next adventure!

    Good luck to you all! There is a brighter future for all of us.

  • Nicole

    It feels so weird to be writing this right now. I just got married to my husband about 6 weeks ago, after 8 happy years together. Everything was just fine, and then his father passed away after a long bout with illness. He was 87 years old and it wasn't exactly unexpected, but I understand that doesn't matter. Pain is pain, and the loss of a parent is difficult no matter how much warning you are given.

    His father passed away just a few weeks ago, and almost immediately his demeanor changed. He became withdrawn towards me, but started reaching out to everybody else, flirting with my friends, and talking about separation. We currently live in Seattle, but he quit his job and is planning on moving back to his hometown in upstate NY in a few weeks. It's supposed to be temporary, but it's a one-way ticket and is saying he doesn't know if he wants to stay married to me. He may end up wanting something "different", as he puts it. I'm also fairly certain he has been texting/talking to other girls. He won't tell me, and lied about it when I physically saw texts from other girls on his phone. I don't know what to do.

    I realize grief makes people do stupid things, and part of me just wants to stand back and let him get over this. But most of me wants to fight. I don't want to let my marriage slip away, and not fight for the best thing that ever happened to me. I think me holding on so tightly is just making him want to slip further away from me, but I don't know how to let go at this point. I'm afraid if I don't fight for this, he is going to do something stupid while grieving that puts a definite end to our marriage. I feel crushed, like my entire world is falling away from me. Most of the time, I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

  • Anonymous-46

    All is gone. I did everything i could. But I had never been a lucky person in my life for a day - undesirable things happened. I am poor and could not support her no matter how hard I tried, how long I worked, how nice I became.

    I was left with nothing except for a car that faces repossession, my old clothes and my audio gear that I use for work I shifted back to my parents' place after living apart from them for 6 long years. We were together for 8. I gave her the house, our dog, and everything else we had. The last month we were together, she told me that she WILL divorce me in due course because of the fact that I am a useless pile of mud that cannot guarantee her happiness in life and cannot provide her a bright future to look forward to.

    I did not eat, I could not sleep. I weep in bed every night hoping this did not happen and that it was all a dream. I indulged heavily in alcohol and soft drugs to get me through the day. I did not want to talk, I did not want to see my friends or anyone. I did not want to work. I did not want to go on living.

    Life just turned very very sour.

    Then, I searched my soul. I dug deep within myself. I realized my family loved me no matter what happened to me or how unsuccessful I am in life. I realized I was wanting to have a good marriage too much - I wanted to hold her hand till we both have white hair on our heads. I realized.. I was becoming more and more of a person whom I was not before. I was turning into a demon. And I realized it had to end.

    I picked up myself from the floor, I told myself, I am not dirt. I breathed deeply whenever I get panic attacks. I looked at topics with 'her' in it, right in the eye - and I forced myself to embrace who i am.

    I may have nothing now materialistically. But I have found my soul. I have found my religion. I have discovered the way back to whom I was, as a child, talking to my own soul and spirit. I am me again.

    Time can be your enemy, but time can also be a friend. Start over, my friend. It is ok. It is ok to be a failure. To make mistakes.

    Start over anew. Do not look back - do not question what went wrong, or how you could have turned it around. For when you have searched your soul, you will know too that it cannot be done.

    My empathy goes out to all sharing their grief here. Let yourself be happy again. Start over, and enjoy again. Smell the grass, feel the early morning dew, and breathe the cool night breeze.

    I am with you here.

  • JGirl

    It seems to me, after reading so many comments, that there must be something healing in writing your story and posting it. I doubt mine will bring any surprises but if it'll help me to feel better, I'll do it. I got married very young but to my best friend. Even now, two months after our divorce, I still consider him the love of my life and have a desire to be with him and around him. I certaintly don't hate him, though it was me who filed for divorce and ultimately walked away, drove away really- to a completely different life in a completely different state.

    Our divorce papers said we have irreconcilable differences, but I don't really know what you call it when you decide it's in another person's best interest if you leave. I guess I finally figured out I couldn't fix him or help him. Things hadn't been right in our marriage for a long time. Two years ago, when we'd been married for four nearly five years, he lost his job. When it comes right down to it, I think men have to work. I tried to be supportive and was able through my job to take care of all our bills. At first he looked for another job, then he wanted to go to school. Since he didn't have a degree and had never had the chance, I fully consented. I would work and he would go to school. But he didn't stay in school. He completed a quarter then dropped out of the next two. I tried to put my foot down- you have to do something, I told him. Either school or work, but you cannot (at 30 years old!) just sit around and do nothing. I'm on in my mid-twenties. It seemed he was aflicted by the peter-pan syndrome that hits men of my generation.

    I found myself resenting him, nearly hating the person I had adored for so long. He was lazy. He didn't clean or make dinner or take care of laundry. And he was depressed. He didn't want to have friends over or for us to go anywhere. He stopped laughing. Stopped having fun. I did everything I could think of to get him to do things, to help him, just to make him react. I never wanted a divorce, I don't want it now, but that's what I've got. He was so unhappy. The turning point was when he went to visit his family - some distance away- and also visited an ex-girlfriend and her family. Probably nothing happened, at least that's what I like to think. But he lied about it. That was enough. I asked him to leave and I filed for divorce.

    Things seemed to look up, for a while. He found a place to stay, he got a job. He was coming around and bringing me flowers and professing his love. But I wasn't sure it would last. I also wanted to protect myself financially so I went through with the divorce, just days shy of our 7th anniversary. And then he stopped calling and stopped coming over. And then I moved, to a different state. My heart is still his. I worry about him and think about him and love him. I know I had to step out of the picture for him to figure things out and grow up and, apparantly, be happy. It's hard though. I know I did the right thing but ... I feel like I've lost everything. My dreams, my hopes, my future. We didn't have children, but I wanted them. Sometimes doing the best thing for someone hurts you far worse then they realize.

  • Anonymous-47

    I was dating the girl of my dreams. everything was perfect in our relationship and we had a lot in common. after three months i proposed to her and she said yes. we planned on having a wedding 8 months away (june 5th) and both of us were extremely happy about it.

    we have been married now for four months and although i thought things were going fine, they werent. amid all the stresses of getting a new apartment, new car, and new life together, i changed and not for the good. we started fighting a lot and couldnt agree on anything anymore. i spent money we didnt have on stupid things and i didnt do my fair share of the relationship. instead of confronting me about this, she held it inside and last week it all blew up. she said she feels like she is in prison and that she cant trust me anymore. i knew our relationship wasnt perfect but i didnt think this would happen.

    i am completely devistated that this happened and that it was avoidable. we both need time to think about what we want out of our relationship and out of our own lives. we took a break from each other and although i dont know how long it will last, i hope it makes us stronger. i am willing to put 100% into this marriage and although she says she does too, she said she doesnt know is she will ever trust me again. i guess im only writing this because i dont know what else to do right now. ive never been this lonely or this depressed. it was a huge eye opener and i just want another second chance.

  • Anonymous-48

    I was with him for 10 years. I never really felt those feelings I thought I should. I loved him but I was never in love with him. Inside I had a yearning I didn't know I had, until I met someone that made me realise I wanted to feel like that for the man I was supposed to be marrying.

    I never acted on it but wanted to. I tried to repress it for as long as I could. I tried to tell myself it was nonsense but it didn't work. All that happened was that I loved more fiercely the person I could not have. Could not have because of my own moral code of conduct. He didn't stop persuing even though I gave no indication of my feelings for him. After an entire year of feigning indifference, denying his advances and claiming to feel nothing for someone else, I cracked. I made admission of my feelings too. He humiliated me. Made out like he had never told me all the things he had, never cared, never pursued me, never claimed to have wanted to be with me, talked about our future and protested his love for me. I should have seen the signs but I didn't.

    I left the best friend I had shared 10 years with. I broke his heart, I broke my heart. I made the person I loved but had never been in love with absolutely beside himself. He would call me panicked and I would council him before remaining firm on my decision.

    The one I was in love with used my vulnerability as an opportunity to degrade, punish and humilate me. I became his emotional slave. He abused me. I walked away. My perception of the world, of people, of love completely shattered. The guilt at what I had done nearly killed me. The abuse finished what was left of my heart off. Rationally I knew he was abusive. Emotionally I loved him and thought I could fix him. I still love him. Its torture. I don't speak to him, I never will again. I think about him all the time, feel driven by a compulsion to 'fix' him but I know I cannot fix anyone and that is not my place. Am now so burdened with intense fear that I am worthless and will never feel love again because of what I was subjected to by the person I loved like no other at the worst possible time of my life that I cannot believe life can ever be as it was before. I so desperately want it to be. It has damaged and scarred me so much I fear no-one will ever be interested in someone with so much pain. No-one ever told me that life could get so hard you just struggle to get through each day without bursting into tears. And you wonder whether it will ever stop. Every antidote to the situation - drinking, having sex, talking, eating - creates another layer of problems so you avoid but all you want is something to stop it hurting. To connect with other people who are real, who have lived, who want to share. You are more often met with those who consider you weak or deny that these types of people exist or that the world is like this and you feel isolated. Like no-one understands. But somehow you manage to drag yourself through each day, hold down a job, smile and laugh and wonder how on Earth you haven't died from the pain because you keep thinking its going to kill you, but it hasn't.


    Life, can we all please educate our children appropriately? Who is painting these surreal pictures about the world, people, struggles? I feel like I just woke up out of a coma and entered the real world. One that isn't very pretty. Its like someone stole my innocence. I'm not sure whether what I'd pay to have it back or if I'd want it. Learning to laugh despite the things that have occured is the only way forward. One foot infront of the other till you're running.


    Some random musings about pain, love, divorce, abuse and the crazy shit you do when you're head isn't on straight because you fell in love with the wrong person at the wrong time.

  • Anonymous-49

    After living together for 7 years, we got married. We had been married for 20 years when I finally asked him to leave.He had lost his job, was miserable and often verbally mean. Our oldest son was 17 at the time and the constant micro managing and fighting between them had taken its toll. I knew my son would run away (he already had once for two weeks) and never finish high school if they were in the same house. So, I chose my sons. I also have another son 3 years younger. I figured my husband was depressed and angry all the time that he needed some space to see and discover what was going on. He rented an apt across town with an extra bedroom to take our younger son on weekend, etc. He never did. Basically, he came around once a month or so to my house. He does give me some money to continue raising his son, but he is not a parent, unless lectures count. The older son graduated High School, is working full time and is trying to make his way in the world. I am very proud of him. The husband is always judging him about how he should live his life and do it differently. The younger son is looking at colleges now and he is very secure with who he is. For him, the husband has nothing but praise. Now, through this all, the last 3 years, I have been working, taking care of the kids, the dog, etc. and he has been single, living alone. He told me recently he has a girlfriend and that they were lovers now. I want him to be happy because I love him, but wow, he takes her to dinners, to movies, on vacations, music venues, etc. If THAT guy had been around occassionally for me, I doubt I would have asked him to leave. Or at least may have asked him to come back. Its funny, I miss "dating" husband. He was fun, funny and sexy. I guess I have been too busy living in my bubble. The man who lived in my house was NONE of those things. I guess its hard not to feel to its me, that I disappointed him and that his new love is where he wants to be. I have not dated. I have no time, and what, like I am going to go out to a bar and meet someone like he did??? Not likely. Its hard not to resent the time gone by where he had a personal life and although I would not have missed the time with my kids for anything, a woman over 50 looking to date is NOT the same as a man over 50 dating. Its a hard truth but it is the truth.Oh, and since my parents and brother have passed away, his family has been my family for 30 years. He just took his new girlfriend up to meet his family and we are not even divorced yet. I feel betrayed and wounded and replaced in ways I did not ever think I would feel. I know his family still loves me, however, now that she is part of his life, she wins the family holidays and outings. I know things will get better and maybe one day I will be able to be in the same room as him and her, but right now, RAW is the pain and soon a divorce. Sigh...

  • Anonymous-50

    I cant believe that so many people are going through the same pain, same emotions and same feelings of hopelessness that I am dealing with. Yet, the pain doesnt get any lesser. What we often think as 'a lifetime of togetherness' when we get married, can get crushed if one of us doesnt care enough to make us feel worthwhile. Its sad but true. Sometimes I cant believe this is happening to me. Although it was my decision to part ways, as my divorce day comes closer, it gets more and more messier. There is an ocean of emotions and its hard to get through all this.Sometimes I feel if this is what Im feeling now, what will happen after the divorce comes through. Life isnt going to any easier. There are tons of common friends and relatives. Its surprizingly some of them just disappear and dont even want to keep in touch with you ever again. Its hard to believe really..

    The trauma of a divorce is just unbearable. The fear of the unknown, the loneliness, the hurt keeps gnawing at your heart again and again. I quit my job when my boss found out that I have separated from my husband and kept taunting me. That hurt was unbearable and I just need my space and time alone for a while to come to terms with everything. Is this normal? Do all women undergoing divorce feel like this? I feel like theres nothing left in my life anymore. I dont have kids, I dont know whether to be thankful or sad... I'm already 38. Really sometimes, God is sooo unfair! I wonder how I'm going to get through all this mess and move on. It seems soo impossible right now.

  • Jen

    It helps to read that others are going through the incrediable amount of pain that I too am going through. My husband was laid off about 2 yrs ago and it has been a downward spiral ever since. He turned 30 and has no degree, I told him he should go to school while he was laid off so then at least he would have something to fall back on. I worked nights and while I was at work he became "close" with one of our mutual friends. He calims he just needed someone to talk to. I had stressed that it was very inappropriate the things they were talking about and he continued to talk to her for months behind my back. I'm sure there was more to it than that but he would never admit to it. He had taken her flowers and to me thats more than just friends....We got married in 05 and have a daughter who is 3. This is where is gets complicated...I cheated on him in 06 and just decided to tell him when all of this drama with the other woman came about. I said I forgive you for all that you have put me through over the past couple of months because i had a one night stand four yrs ago. HUGE MISTAKE! The tables were turned and now the whole reason for our divorce is my fault. I felt like coming clean was the best thing to do considering all the things that he was doing to me. He clamied he was no longer talking to the woman but with in 3 days of me moving out she was already over at our old family home eating dinner with him and my child. How sick is that! I begged for forgiveness and had told him i would do whatever it took to fix that marriage, he wants nothing to do with it but continues to tell me he will love me forever no matter what. He still denys any relationship w/ the other woman and they are simply "just friends." I am not only dealing with the pain of a divorce but with the betrayal of a friend. Its really just too much for me to handle. I can't sleep, can't eat, I don't even know who i am anymore. I know I need to get it together and start taking better care of myself but I have just so much anxiety and lack of trust because the two people who i would run to when I was hurt are the two people who have broken me.

  • Pete

    I have just finished reading many of the experiences in this forum of both the men and women who are experiencing and feeling the same feelings I am having now.

    My wife of ten years had sent me an e-mail (I am working over here in Iraq for 5 years now for our future, or what was to be our future) that she was ending our marriage. Talk about a bombshell, I never knew she was feeling what she said she had been feeling, and not just recent feelings, but she said even before I came over here she was starting to have those thoughts and feelings. I never knew. She had never indicated.

    This is my second marriage after having not allowed me to ever fall in love again, and thoroughly believing that I did not deserve enough to ever have a woman as my life’s partner again for nine years. I at that time was prepared to grow old and go to my grave alone and single because of that. But when I met my wife now, I knew she was the person I connected with enough to love and care for her, and to just let her into every crevice of my life. She and I were so interconnected that the trust I had for her was immeasurable. She is surely a courageous woman after having gotten to know her and listen to what she had been through in her life in her country.

    In my first marriage I was the one who made the mistake of ending our marriage, and for that I have punished myself emotionally for a number of years, even now I know that I hurt the woman I loved then, greatly. That was the main reason I was so convinced that I did not deserve.

    My still current wife to me was the second chance that I truly believed God had allowed for me to once again love someone and prove that even though I made the grave mistake of not honoring my vows to my first wife (and that was 32 years ago the date of my first marriage). The emptiness and pain I feel now is once again me being punished for the hurt I caused before.

    Now at 55, I am still working through, and trying to come to terms with the very realness of having to spend the rest of my life as a single man. I am one who loves companionship and to have someone as my life’s partner. It has only taken me half a lifetime to get my head right, and know what is truly valuable when it comes to a relationship. My wife was my queen, she held the highest place of honor in my life. I was very supportive of her and had encouraged her in everything she did.

    Being apart these past five years, I would go home every 3-5 months for R&R, has taken their toll on us both I am sure. I was over here missing her tremendously, and all the while working and saving so that we could be comfortable financially someday. And the really hurtful part about it is this month I was to go on a job interview for a job that I knew I was going to get that would put my wife and I back together physically in the same house, forever. I think that is when she decided she needed to tell me that it cannot be and that our marriage was over. And the ironic part about it is on the day of our 10 year wedding anniversary, which was this past November 24, we called each other to wish us a happy ten year anniversary, I sent her gifts and she had sent me gifts through the mail. And her letter was sweet. Three days later I received the two page e-mail ending our marriage.

    So now I grieve over here, alone, surrounded by office mates who have know idea of what I am living and working through to come to terms. I have only shared with one, and I implored him to please keep it confidential because I am really very embarrassed, hurt, confused, and distraught and the whole host of other emotions that go along with this. I am working through each day now, one day at a time. The only family member I have shared this with is my daughter. I was to spend this Christmas and New Years with my wife, the first in 5 years, but now instead I will be spending it with my daughter in NY.

    I am sad, empty, hurt, and strong, just to name a few. Thank you for allowing me to speak here.And I apologize if I went on too long.

  • a montes

    I have been with my wife for 15 years. I cant believe that it is over. She betrayed me with the godfather of my son. This after a devastating job loss. How can I even begin to move on when I see the godfather who grew with us take care of my son and he call him dad. Im getting close to suicide. Its a big slap in the face and while she isnt looking back, I have no other choice. I felt that I lost two of my best friend. I feel like life is not worth living for me anymore.

  • Nick

    Feeling lonely and like I am the only one going through the pain of divorce. I simply want to say that reading other's stories makes me realize that it'll all get better. It really is a process we all need to go through in order to rebuild. Good luck to all! Keep you head high and your heart light.

  • Anonymous-51

    How am to cope after 42 years of marriage and 49 years of being a relationship with the same partner. I know I have not always been the attentive wife and he said he felt rejected, but I have always worked full time, brought up two daughters and did all the usual household chores, most nights I was tired and sex was not what it should have been. My ex had an affair 4 years ago, I took him back but he told me he loved me but was not in love with me, I worked hard at overcoming his infidelity and he would not go to counselling because he said he did not have a problem. We were having sexual relationd until approx 6 months ago and had a gut feeling that things were going wrong. He worked nights and would sleep during the day, but he started going to bed when I got home from work spending less time with me, I found people on facebook that he was chatting with and making out it was women he had met through work, he was always on his mobile phone and whenever I came into the room he pretended he wasn't using it. When I questioned him he made me feel I was being possessive. He left his self logged onto a dating site and I found explicit photos of him and text messages hehad been sending and receiving from several women. He had met up with two of the women and had unprotected sex with them. One of the women he had fallen in love with and is now living with her. I am 63, my ex is 65, his new love is 45. I have worked hard to look good keeping my figure and looks, his lover is 17 stone, tatooed and with piercings. I asked him to leave and he told me he did not have any sexual feelings or disire for me and did not love me. I have a wonderful family who are supporting me but I cannot keep letting them know how low I am feeling, I feel my home, future and dreams have all been taken away from me whilst my ex is telling me he is liberated and happy. I don't know where I go from here.

  • Anonymous-52

    I know I wasn't the best husband. Six years ago I caught her cheating on me. The affair had been going on for nearly three years at that point, since before the birth of our third child. The devastation was horrible, but we went to counseling and managed to work through our issues. Or so I thought. Recently, she lost weight and started dressing sexier, wearing make up which she never did before, bought lingerie, locked me out of all her electronics and social media. Now I find she resents me for all the problems I worry about (her possibly cheating, pending foreclosure, reduced income). I'm devastated again and lonely and I have no one to talk to. I've never felt so low before. How will I manage? I feel I can never love or be loved again.

  • Anonymous-53

    My husband and I have been married for 14 years. I have raised his child as my own. We have split up before when he did have an affair, which I had a hard time dealing with but finally did. Then 2 years ago he moves out but we still see each other. Talks about working on himself so he can come back home. Then 8 months ago moves in with a girlfriend of ours and continues an affair with her that stated a year ago. Her son and mine are best friends. They keep this a secret from me for several months until I find out, about a month later he moves of of her place and tells me its over and want to work on us again. Then this last weekend I find out he has been back out there for the weekend. I have felt lonely for a long time but this is totally different. I feel that the 14 years I have fought for this marriage was a waste of time. I have no self confidence and feel like a failure because I couldn't keep my family together. I believe to many people are useing divorce for an easy way out and really didn't believe I would ever have to do that. I'm scared for the future for me and my kids, that I won't be able to make it. I feel betrayed, laughed at, and just plain unworthy. I don't know where to go from here.

  • Anonymous-54

    After reading your painful experience, I thought of telling this. Dont feel unworthy just because your partner or spouse left you... Just think that they are no more worthy of & have become blind. At the end, they are the one who are at loss. You will shine through...its just a matter of time. Think positive & move on ... Take baby steps. Dont look back for now. After two years you will see yourself in a better position & the pserson who betrayed you would have lost it all... forever :). Believe me. Let God be with us ..

  • Anonymous-55

    I am the one that wanted this divorce after 23 years of marriage...to an abusive and controlling troll. But, why do I feel so much grief and sadness and guilt?

  • Anonymous-56

    My heart feels like lead, and the tears won't stop coming. i feel tired, restless, and I can't sleep. To make matters worse, zero people to talk to. I feel caved in and alone. I can't take this pain.

  • Sally

    I'm not only dealing with divorce after 20 years of marriage over the last 3 years I lost my brother, my dad and a sister. My son we have delt with many issues on over the last 10 years but now he has gone to prisons at 18. I don't know how to deal with anything anymore or what I should even deal with first. I'm lost and alone. I use to consider my self a strong person. Help

  • KA

    hello all i have been reading on this site for quite somtime, i have been married for only 5 years, my wife is a great person, lovely wife, i always love her and will always love her, but when about a week ago i found out she has been loving to some other guy before me, they have a relationship, before my, which she never told me about it, she love him even when she is with me. she think about him and love him, all my love been nothing for her, but she never shows it. If i know she love a guy before me, why would i marry her but i love her dearly, and she is the world to me, without her i am meaningless. that's how much i love her, but she doens't love me but live with me, why? mywife been a good person all along but recently we argue a lot, and she went back to the guy before me, and told me she'll leave me how do i cope with this? any help?? thanks.. i even think about commiting suiside. i don't feel worth living, my wife kwi is a wonderful person and i am afraid i'll loose her so afraid i can't function at work, or anywhere, i just felt i need to die... any suggestion please sent to kjohnson810@yahoo.com thanks.

  • lindylops

    I was recently told by my husband of 32 years that he felt he no longer loved me, nothing I had done, I was the perfect wife, loving, kind, considerate etc etc, he told me this on our 2nd day of a holiday abroad for our wedding anniversary, we we both in pieces and had to get flights back after 4 days. Two weeks later (on my 55th birthday) he announced he was in a relationship with a 34 year old 'stunner' whom he has strong feelings for, he really sat and rubbed in the sexual side of his relationship, and said she loved him (they are only supposed to have got together twice!) anyway long story short he now does not want her...wants his space to see how he feels about me. I dont think after the blatant lying to my face (the signs were there and I asked repeatedly)....how do I move on? Im looking for a flat but people are telling me NOT to leave our marital home, however we have no space room and are still sharing the same bed...terrible!

    Last night because I am now ill with a virus I slept on the couch...so Ive been awake ill all night now have to go to work....life is so awful right now...how do others cope, it doesnt help that the other woman is the same age as my daughter!

  • joseph chua

    we have three and a half years living together , i have a son from my past wife and my present wife also have a son from her past relationship. also we have a son together, at first we were happy together with lots of dreams and hopes for a long time relationship until we get old. it started when my first son birthday is coming and i dont want to invite my ex wife to come but my wife forced me to invite my ex to my sons birthday because she thinks it will be good for my son to see his mother, i never invited her since we been separated and because i dont want to have any complications to my new relationship, but my wife keep convincing me to invite my ex so i did, big mistake, because after then my ex keeps comming back again to my house to see her son .

    i thought at first it was ok but my wife is getting jelouse over her. my ex is a lier and she is good at it and i know that she will ruin what i have now, many months have passed and my wife and i have fight because of my ex, i ask my ex not to come anymore but my first son wants to see her mother as often as he can, i dont want my first son to be lonesome of her mother again but its giving me problems.

    my wife keeps on blaming me the problem but the truth is, she is the one who invite my ex in the first place. and my wife keeps on scarring me if i did not kick my ex out she will leave me. my ex is only seeing her son and not me. my wife is always jelous of my ex and keeps on nagging me the if i did not kick my ex she would leave , im sick of her saying that to me very often, so i said go ahead and leave after few attemps she leaves.

    i know it was over for us because of her being jellous so often that our relationship cannot handle anymore. i love my wife so much even though i dont want to invite my ex, because she said so, that i was force to do what she said even though i know that complication may arise from it. i guess that we are never been bound to each other afterall., everytime i think of it, it gives me so much pain and loneliness eventhough my two sons are with me. it feel like if i have did the right thing not to invite my ex i guess we still be together, maybe..

    i have learned that part of it is my fault and part of it is hers. but i know to stop the pain is to forgive my self and to forgive her too, dont look back and blame oneself because i did not give my best, because if we are meant for each other we will be together, i think there is nothing left for us to do but to go our separate ways and learned our mistakes.

    its better to love and lost, than never loved at all. there is always next time. do your best and always remember that god loves you. thanks for giving me a chance to share my experience. god bless ,joseph

  • Raj

    I can see its going end some day soon. But dont know how to let go ... there is so much pain inside.. Life is strange .. for one person the wedding vows meant nothing & there was no commitment.. so easy to cheat & walk away. For other its soooo hard .. I wish it was easier for me to let go .. . I hope God helps. ..

  • jane

    I truly felt guilt and sadness as i was reading all of the comments....Everybody seemed to had lost a big part of thier life. It is sadning...I would like to share with you guys a part of my thougth.

    I meet my partner at my work place. He is separated at the time we met started chatting then became friends then we all know what happens next. I am a single mother my self.

    Well, the question is why when me meet other people and start living our life.the other partner that thinks that was betrayed,left behind or if they were in my case can't move on. Becomes jelous and angry of the other person that had moved on???

    In my case my hubby had move on so did i. It has been 3 Years that they are divorce but still she can not move on. she won't let me in to the kids life she always puts him down and worst of all she now toke the child to a phyciatrist saying that the divorce is causing the child not to focuse in school etc. after 3 years...all this excuse to make us look bad. JUst be cause she ca not move on. We went to the psyciatrist to know what was going on but instead of talking about the child she started talking about how hurt she is up to know???

    The thing is we are very lucky if all of us could stay with the same partner for as long as we live. But in reality that is a fairytale... I my self was left and hurt to so it is not fair to be treated like i am a nothing, that i do not excist or in her eyes i have no right in anything. Is it just because i am with her ex husbad?and so she calls me you are just the stepmom.

    Well, i wish her good i wish that one day she will learn on how to forgive. That one day she will be a stepmother too. one day one of us will be stepparents too.

    I just want to be heard cause no body seem to be talking about stepparents in a good way it's like step perants are pest in other peoples eyes.

    For everybodys information we stepparents are once the ligal wifes and ligal husdands too.

  • MGB

    This is an update from a year and a half ago when I was going through my divorce. I too thought my life was over and that I did not want to go on. I got on antidepressants for a year, not proud of it but they really did help me a lot. Just got off them in March. Life does go on and things do get better with time. Yes it hurts especially if you dwell on it. Focus on your work and your kids. Don't rush into another relationship it just creates more problems. Look into the mirror and work on yourself because you have no control over anyone else. Admit your mistakes learn from them and be a better person. It's easy to be angry and resentful. Takes a lot of hard work to be a kind, forgiving and loving person. If you believe in God turn to him because it helps. Take one day at a time. I know that when you are in the middle of it all nothing anyone says helps. Everything does happen for a reason so either learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others or just keep repeating them the choice is yours. Best wishes to all.

  • Larry

    I was married for 25 years to a very beautiful women 10 years younger than myself. 2 years ago I left that marriage because of her emotional and verbal abuse. I had lost my identity and confidence in myself. The put downs were daily and she used no-sex as a weapon to punish me for months at a time.

    The best decision I ever made was to leave her. It was very difficult at first but as time went on I started to find my old self and started to enjoy life again by going back to everthing that made me happy when I was younger, sports and music. Its now been 2 years and I have totally rebuilt my life with new friends, playing golf every day and doing concerts all over my state singing and playing in nursing homes.

    The responses I have read are heart wrenching. For t hose of you going thru that early stage just take it one day at a time. Do anything that brings you pleasure and do not feel guilty. If you do not love yourself no one else will. Your self esteem will go the bottom. I had to work hard at rebuilding my life and it was not easy. You can do this and life will get much better. Do no jump into relationships for a good while. I still have not had a date after two years and I am considering staying single the rest of my life. I have learned to be happy with myself and by keeping my life very simple has brought me great joy.

  • Anonymous-57

    I don`t know what to do since I thought finally I got everything..money love , and beautiful little baby. Suddenly I saw the truth .. he never loved me or even loved the baby… even he was not a good husband but I tried to work it out to have a good father. He left me and the baby alone. I have no one here in the state since I am a foreigner and he is American. He cheated on my with the cleaning lady, lied to me all the time, and let his xwife control our marriage. I believe everything has been written so I am accepting the pain and I will be strong to take care of my baby. I only have a question, why did he lie and take me all the way to this direction and ended by having a baby and he is not a good man. He pictured himself to fit me. He lied and now, me and my baby are paying for it. She will grow without father and she just came to this life clean done nothing to go through that.

  • Anonymous-58

    I spent the first 3 years of a 24 year marriage in bliss. My soul mate then made me an inmate. I was only there to clean up after his filthy self and take care of the things that he was too weak to do. I was always a strong person who was the work horse. All vacations were spent with his family as I was left behind again to WORK, which was rarely a part of his lift or vocabulary. Well, after 8 years of this mental abuse, I met someone who made me feel beautiful. I felt like I was somebody instead of nothing. He found out, took the blame but talked me into staying. A few months later, the same thing over again. This was 16 years ago. Last April, I packed and moved, then filed for divorce. He is trying to get alimony from me and all of the equity in our house. I have thousands of dollars in medical bills because I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. Why can't people just admit they failed, split all assets, and move on? It just makes everyone more miserable and creates havoc for everyone. This is 7 months later and they are still arguing that he should get everything. AND TO THINK, I WAS FEELING GUILTY ABOUT ALL OF THIS WHEN I WAS BEING USED SO THIS PERSON COULD BE A LOSER!

  • AJ

    After 34 years together (February 14, 2012 will be 35 years...if we make it) my wife has told me that she not only wants a divorce, but that she considers herself "emotionally divorced" from right now. We have three children (21 yr old son, 18 yr old daughter, and a 9 yr old son) and this is the most painful time in my life (by far). She lost a loy of eeweight and has met son new friends that she considers he new "family," and seems to be trying to find the fountain of youth, or trying to live her life to the fullest before she is gone, at all costs. I am trying to pull myself together with therapy (mixed results), conversations with trusted relatives and close friends, but I honestly can say that this uncertain situation and future and the pending disconnect with my children has just about brought me to my knees and I'm literally trying to survive on an hour-by-hour, day-by-day basis. I am not sure, but I think that many of us posting here need to connect to, and support each other (before we end up on the channel 2 news).

  • James

    We were married for 37 years, I can't claim it was all bliss and I carry deep scars from things she said and didn't do throughout the marraige. After about 17 years of marraige she became nore and more critical, she told me she didn't like kissing me because I didn't know how, and because I smoked it didn't matter how often I gargled or brushed my teeth my breath stank. Later our intimacy went to nothing, after talking with her about it saying we were far to young and it wasn't normal she said it just wasn't important to her but she would try harder. She left me a few months ago when I confronted her with a phone record showing her and another married man had talked to each other almost 50 times in a month. She repeatedly said he has nothing to do with it but within 4 months of moving out she spends every weekend with him in his apartment. When she was leaving she told me she wanted to leave me 27 years ago but couldn't suport herself. Now I see her doing everything for him she never did for me. I used to think she was going to leave me all the time. I'm trying to move on but she left me feeling I have nothing to offer anyone other than a paycheck because of what she has said and the way she has treated me through the years. I want to move forward and be happy but she wanted over half of our retirement and now we have to get lawyers to sort it out. I'm still married and can't move forward, she's happy with the husband of the lady who was suposed to be her best friend living with him on weekends. Her friends life is ruined mine is ruined and she's almost flippant, says it's just life. I see a therapist who says she was abusive and cruel and is trying to help me cope. I hope someday to be happy and find someone who actually loves me for me not my paycheck.

  • Veronica

    I found myself after 30yrs Married to the man I thought was my soulmate,bestfriend,being abandent by him 2 weeks ago. I kissed him off that day for work and he never came home not even to get his clothes except for one time to get his harley that I took a baseball bat too when I found out he left me and his youngest daughter and it felt good at first but then I was even more depressed cause this was all too real for me to handle. I gave my whole life to him, raised our children left my job my dreams to help forefill his and climb the corp. ladder perfect wife,mother did it all and then some!I would talk to him my friend, if I had a prolbem now I have noone so alone so dead inside very empty I find it so hard to deal with my daughter which is just as hurt and confused as myself. I am here in this home with my daughter and told to keep the house cars trailer etc..all bills will be paid and a little extra in the bank just don't call him at work or look for his new place or date anyone! like I thought of doing that? dumb man and thats fine but let me breath take all this in Try To Understand Why My World was just pulled out from Under Me! then I can understand his rules! But Why did he Leave Give Me That Much Aleast I Desreve That On Why What Happened!! Divorce has just gone through his office like a virus felt so bad for co workers and finding out they are either having affiiarrs or want to test the waters out there. I didn't know I married a sheep thought it was a man but this man is no man and I hope the co worker in his new place which he won't say no or yes too will do the same to him. His older now so things take time to work on him and I understood this we have grown older together, I loved him but now I hope those little blue pills dont get suck in his throat and his other aches and pains don't show his age too much. I wish him the best as I wish myself if I live through this pain and grief and anger and hurt and dismay of my husband leaving me not just me our daughter and our other two kids and there spouses wants us back together hello need to find out why he left! and why would I want him back after this I don't know what I want right now but not this Hell I am in! God help me! before I start doing things I have never done like getting drunk, doing drugs etc....I am so alone so shocked! and I know others put all these feelings into words much better than myself but this pain is like everyone's that going through this. Love doesn't live here anymore I am so broken..May all you others find peace, comfort, love and trust with others then teach us how to find it again.

  • Brian

    Only 5-6 years together but for 32 years old this is a lot to deal with,. i'm not innocent of any ill doings or bad actions here and there, it took both of us to get where we are now emotionally and intimately. This is really hard I tried to act thick skinned but ended up crying a lot, I think this forum helps . There is a lot of uncertainly when all you know is that other person and now you will never be able to hug, kiss, or love them again. I think she is very set on not being together anymore too. I wish she wasn't.

  • Matt

    My situation may not be as dire as others, but I just want to get this off my chest. We had our ups and downs when we were dating, but we made things work and we got married. For about a year things went smoothly. Than she changed. She grew controlling and abusive. She would make demands and everything had to be done precisely her way and she would put down and insult me every opportunity that she got. She was also a habitual drinker and tended to get violent to the point of breaking things out of anger. After 2 years of this, I had enough and stormed out after telling her I wanted a divorce.

    It's been a little while since we talked now, but I find myself feeling guilty for leaving because even though she was an abusive alcoholic I know she cared about me and I find myself blocking out the bad experiences and only remembering the few good moments in our marriage. Even though she was abusive I feel guilty because I know I broke her heart and even though I'm level-headed enough to know this was for the best for both of us and I won't allow myself to go back to her, I can't get the guilt out of my mind. I find myself being lonely and almost missing the control and abuse.

  • sensitive woman

    Hi,

    When I was reading the very first post on this page by Matt, I could totally relate to what he wrote. My life is 100% like his except that I am in his position and my ex husband is the one who got abusive, addictive and a control freak.

    Even though I left him, filed for divorce and got it almost 2 years ago, I still cant forget him or move on in life even though I know I should. I feel guilty because despite his crazy nature, he did love me. Its not easy even if I left him know its best for me not to have him in my life. Its crazy but I do miss him especially events trigger memories - the first rains, certain celebrations... its not easy at all and it brings tears and guilt in my eyes even though my practical streak tells me I did the right thing. Yes, life gets very lonely and faith in God does get shaken.

    I really wonder how people get over their ex'es and move on in their life positively. I'm not too favorable for therapists. I find them exorbitantly expensive and very time focused rather than having a genuine intention of help. I'm just tired of life and I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe I'm in a worse situation than Matt is.

  • raj

    Mine is a weired situation .. Emotionally distressing.... Eventually i may get divorced. I havent seen my husband from last 4 years. He is in another country & it was his choice not have any kind of communication between us ...

    I dont know how is doing. For now there is some hope in one corner of my heart that I may see him once someday. But its more painful when I think of divorce... I will never get to see him for rest of my life ... :(( he will be thousands of miles apart...I'm in India & he is US.

    Its like mourning for death of your loved one (just like they will never come back, i wont be able meet him again) ..... its very hard for me ...

  • Anonymous-59

    32 years of marriage. He decided he doesn't love me anymore, can't live with me anymore is leaving.

    I am so depressed and cannot sleep eat or do anything. I cant use the diversion advice, everything leads to him in my daily thoughts, dreams and wishes. I am despondent. I did nothing wrong. He decided he just didn't want any responsibility anymore even tho I did everything anyway,

    we both recently retired and I thought I could spend the rest of my life in retirement with my husband of 32 years. now I am alone, sad, depressed and can't function. I cry 24 hours a day and don't know how to get out of this depression and hope and want. I stll love him very much he doesn't want me

  • Anonymous-60

    Married for almost five years to the women who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with only to be told one night that she no longer loves me and has met someone else. I did and gave everything to her. I helped her out of financial problems, emotional problems and loved her regardless of the disrespect to me and my family. She has effected me in ways I have never thought possible. I am depressed, sad and angry the majority of my days but am told by everyone that I am better off without her.

    I feel empty and hopless about the future and wonder why this has happened to me but then read all of the other comments and think how can this world can be such a said place. The song Terrible Lie by Nine Inch Nails describes how I feel and I of course listen to it over and over again. I know this is not healthy or productive way to cope but not sure what to do. I miss my kids more than anything and constantly worry about them. I animosity for her is so intense that I am often overwhelmed to the point of having panic attacks. She has moved in with this guy she met and was hanging out with him well before our marriage ended. Its pathetic and is consuming my life and she acts as if nothing has happened. I ask myself why would anyone want to ever get married if 50% of all marriages end in divorce, leaving people feeling so miserable and without hope.

  • abandoned and in grief Hebron White Utah

    Your comments hit me hard Read my statement about being abandoned.......... My heart goes out to you.. I can feel your pain.

    I guess lotayity is not on list when getting married anymore. mIt is so sad that people who are married are giving up. 10 months out and I am still hurting although not like at first... My advice is go and find a man who will love you for real.. I was thrown under the bus and she did not look back... She was very high mantiance to live with but I was will to make it work and she puched out big time No remorse no words nothing.. She is claiming to be Christian but is Bi polar and co Dependent and is in a manic.. No hope... Her problems will surface with her (new love)..... it is just a matter of time she would not take meds for Manic because she liked the highs too much. In the end and looking back I am Happier than before but I still deal with the pain of abandonment.. So sad sORRY HOPE you do well H

  • faith2013

    just happened on this site. never done this before. Over thanksgiving my husband of 8 months kicked me and my son out of the house. he would bring up divorce every time we fought. His 4th marriage. My 2nd. I was blindsided. Just trying to get used to the fact that I am single...again. Thought I would NEVER divorce again. Been hard through the holidays.

  • Dave

    Another sob letter, right? I've always been and emotional manly man if that makes any sense. Until a little over a month ago, I hadn't cried since I was a kid of 12...26 years ago. When I was 23 I went through a divorce. We were two stupid kids who tried to do right by our daughter, but with hindsight we should never have gotten married. I spent the next 6 years or so using women as I could. It was about the sex...dated a couple of times that got a little serious, but I almost always kept myself detached.

    I've known my wife who left last month since the summer of '93 when we moved across the street from her family. She's 6 years younger than I am so for years she was that little girl. Around the time of my divorce she was almost 18 and we'd struck up a friendship. (no dirty thoughts you pervs, ha) I'd known for awhile that she'd had a crush on me and she was so pretty so i'm sure that helped the friendship at first. Over the years we both dated around and did our thing. We always stayed in touch, though it was usually her tracking me down. Even then I cared for her and didn't want to

  • Lorie

    My husband of almost 16 years, been together for 18, left me on my birthday and filed divorce on valentines day. I am a mess, very depressed. Do not know how to move forward.

  • carol

    One month ago I found a private phone my husband had charging in our home. He grabbed it from me and crushed it. Saying it was only girls he took out to lunch. BUt while I was asking to tell me more he was packing. He got caught cheating and he packed his bags and moved. out. I never saw it coming. Our relationship had never changed. we were happy traveling together living together it came out of nowhere. I hired a private investigator thingking it had to be someone special someone that I know...but all they could find was that he's been with hookers.

    That breaks my heart more. He is a sophisticated business man and I can't believe he gave up our life and marriage together for sex with hookers. I keep thinking he is in a mid life crisis although it doesnt matter anymore. I filed for divorce.

    I have a great support and I hoope all of you do to yet it still so painful.

  • 2down

    Daily prayer and almost no support from family,associates,friends,church family to hold me during this battle out of no where. Wife filed a PPO against me one day several days later filed for divorce. I have not seen her since mid February when I took hospital health related issues I assumed. I simply wished she could have told me in person that she no longer loved me and wanted out of the marriage or something. We often discussed and agreed that divorce was not happening because our Lord God hates it etc.. It is hard to sleep, goto work, or simply perform regularly knowing she hates me that much to issue a false PPO then file for divorce. I would accept a simple I hate you which would make it much easier to digest.

  • Sandi

    I had just retired in 2008. Was hoping to go traveling with my husband of 39 years. 3 months later his mother asked to move in with us. She was 94 years old. Well I took care of her for 7 months. My husband knew I would as I had always taken care of everyone.. I ended up having 3 nervous breakdowns as I received no help what so ever. When I told him either he had to help me or have her move to an assisted living home. He told me he couldn't do that to his mother. I told him I was leaving rather than have a heart attack our worse. So I moved in with my wonderful son for a couple of months. During that time he bought a Drag Car and Trailer. Against my wishes. He loved that I wasn't home and he had his freedom. I kepas telling him to get her out of my house as I wanted to come home. Finally he moved her into his brothers house. I came home and made 3 appointments with a counselor for us to go together. Well 2 days later I found an email from him and a so called friend of ours. She asked him if he read his emails every day. He told her yes and that he loved her and missed her and couldn't wait to be with her. I confronted him and he said it was a friendship email. So I went and filed for Divorce. I had to live with him for 11 months going through this divorce. Finally he almost hit me so he was ordered out and to not come on the property. Since 9/2009 until now 6/2013, I have been trying to get this divorce done. He is a control freak and has constantly changed lawyers so as to keep this going. Financially, emotionally and physically I am so exhausted. The courts constantly look the other way when he violates every single order they have put forward. Finally I asked for a separation so I could have Health Ins. As I am not in a position to get my own Ins. So as of 2/28/13 we were legally separated. So you think it's over? Not at all, more money for the lawyers. All the legal aspects should have been done in 90 days. Not so. I am so upset. I have lost 4 years of my life and he doesn't want to pay for his half of the House Taxes, Homeowners Ins. Etc. All I have wanted was to get this over and start my life. I can't even do that. I am in Limbo. I'm stuck and I can't move forward. I think it is a crime that the courts in NYS allow this to happen. I have been more than fair and instead of the courts punishing him for all of his violations, I feel like I'm always being punished. I have spent so much money and emotionally I am drained to the point of complete exhaustion. I have lost most of my family. Funny how I took care of everyone and when I need someone to be there for me, their not there. Only my one son. Thank God for him. He has helped me emotionally, he has been through this with me every step of the way. He knows how emotional it is for me so he goes to the lawyers and court with me. He knows I can't think straight because of all my husband has done to me. So he supports me and is included in everything. I am so tired of the people who use you and abuse you. I don't ever see myself in another relationship. It would have been 44 years in Dec. and I was a great Mom. I was a wonderful wife. Well now that I look back I was just a maid to him. He actually came out and told me he never ever loved me. Said he knew I'd be a good and faithful wife, a good housekeeper and a good mother. So he controlled me for all those years. I always came last, especially around his friends. I have found out he has been cheating on me for all those yearstage hurt me so bad, I get sick to my stomach when I have to see him in court etc. I wasted 40 years of my life on a narrsisistic, controlling person who has no conscience, no morals and never intended on being faithful to me and the vows we took. It sickens me that I really believed in marriage. For me it was all one sided. I may look foolish to some but I look back now and see how very cruel he was to me. I never deserved to have this happen. I do go to a pshycoloogist and she says I am very, very strong. I have grown but I am also very, very bitter. I know I'm strong because I do like myself and no one will ever hurt me like that again. When this is finally over I will do things that I like and not what he or someone else likes. I don't know what it is to do something for myself. But I will from now as I will be free to think for myself. I never had that freedom. So for anyone starting a divorce or separation, make sure you get the best lawyer you can. Ask questions as this is your life. If a lawyer tells you this is the way it is. You tell him or her, that's not good enough. They are suppose to be there to help you. Going through this I have found that no one cares abut the emotional part. They will tell you, emotion doesn't enter into a divorce etc. as far as the courts are concerned. Gee, isn't emotions the reason you are going through this Hell. I never want to see another lawyer or courtroom again when this is done. They have cut me open to the point that I feel like a fish that's been filleted. I feel as if my heart and my soul will never be what it use to be. So if you think your spouse or the courts will help you, think again. You are just money to them. The longer it goes on the more dollar signs are all they see and care about. Take control and make sure you tell them what you want. Not the other way around. So sad this had to happen to me as I'm a great person. Of course I did have my sons and the one son is an Angel. So if this had never happened, I wouldn't have had my son and my other son who could care less about me. I am a much different person than I was 4 years ago. If some one wants to just use me they have no place in my life. I only love those whfo love and care about me.

  • Anonymous-61

    The worst part of divorce? The loneliness. I was married for 18 years when my wife told me through an email she filed for divorce. She lives in the house and moved her parents in 3 weeks later. also filed a false PPO against me, had me illegally arrested, and claims domestic violence. I have been fighting for custody of our 4 kids. It has been 10 months since I have lived at my house and she doesn't follow court orders for parenting time. Out of money, constant court dates, and the first Christmas alone. It sucks. Just want to die. Does it get better? Does it?

  • Kyle

    I am 29 years old, and my wife is 27. We were engaged 4 months into our relationship, and found out we were pregnant with our first of two boys. We didn't marry until almost a year into our relationship. I have had my issues in our relationship, I won't pretend I didn't, but my wife had her share as well. The funny thing is that we never had that many issues, it was just that we, as a couple, never did anything to actually fix them. We have now been married 5 years, and I think it's fair to say that we both were just floating along. I have always, and still do love my wife more than anything, but I think we both just lost our will along the way. I should also mention that my wife has suffered with tremendous depression from before we ever met, and it has continued through our relationship together. Throughout her life, when relationships got hard, she cut and ran to the next open arm. Well, in January she met a person at work who offered that arm, and she sprinted. She didn't tell me, until she told me she wanted to leave. I pleaded with her to stay and that we could actually work on our problems for once instead of avoiding them. She reluctantly agreed. I then thought that were working towards that end: Talking more, planning counseling sessions, etc. Well, tonight I had had enough of the suspicion that this person was still lurking around in the background keeping her from ever giving this a chance. I looked through her email and found emails between them with talk and pictures of my kids, exchanged "I love yous" and so forth. This hurt more than ever, as she had been emotionally shut down with me since this person's arrival, and claimed that that was all she could be right now. Naturally I called her and was irate. I wanted to know what was happening. She is "in love" with the guy she met two months ago who knows nothing about her other than the rosy colored things she has told him. The sad part is that, as much as I hate this guy right now, it's not because she loves him. It's because he is the catalyst for the end of my current life. He doesn't even know what he is getting into. What she is doing to me now has been her MO her whole life with men. We were just together a bit longer and got married. She is scared and so into her own head that she won't see anything but an escape from what is "too hard" right now. It's sad. I love my wife. Even after all this, if she truly wanted to give us another shot, and he was gone, I would do it in a heartbeat. I don't know if that is commitment or stupidity or a little of both. I only know that I mean it, and that it probably doesn't matter. Just miserable and terrified of life right now. Could really use some advice.

  • Anonymous-62

    Divorce can also be liberating