Of Othello And Delusional Jealousy

Over the years, many wives and girl friends have written Mental Help.Net about the fact that their husband or boyfriend is insistent that they are having an affair. These women express feeling utterly over whelmed and frustrated with their lover because, try as hard as they do, they cannot convince them of the errors in their thinking. As a matter of fact, the more they attempt to convince their lover that there is no cheating, the angrier the lover becomes.

The brilliant and classic example of a jealous lover is Shakespeare towering and tragic play, "Othello." Here is one quote of Othello, expressing his despair about his wife, Desdemona, who, he is convinced, is having an affair.

Othello:

"She's gone. I am abused, and my relief
Must be to loathe her. O curse of marriage,
That we can call these delicate creatures ours
And not their appetites! I had rather be a toad
And live upon the vapor of a dungeon
Than keep a corner in the thing I love
For others' uses. Yet 'tis the plague of great ones;
Prerogatived are they less than the base.
'Tis destiny unshunnable, like death." (III.iii.267–279)

Othello, convinced that his wife, Desdemona, is
unfaithful, cursed both marriage and women. Ultimately, Othello strangles her to death and unwittingly falls into the deadly hands of his enemies. He also learns, too late, the folly and of his thinking.

A Modern Example of Delusional Jealousy:

Here is an E. Mail question from one of our readers with a modern day version of delusional jealousy:

E. Mail:

"I ended a relationship with a man who seems to suffer from this morbid / delusional jealousy issue, and is also diagnosed Bipolar. After 10 days with no contact with him, I have now received a message from him out of the blue saying that I am "sooooo busted," implying that he has learned something new that somehow proves his belief that I was unfaithful to him. I think? I am not dating now, have been basically only at home and work hiding since the breakup.

I need to know how to handle this. Do I engage and try to tell him what I see? Do I ignore him? Can I reason with him? Should I be worried? He is such an incredibly smart man, and is 50 years old with responsibilities and accomplishments. It is difficult for me to reconcile this crazy behavior with what I know about him. I keep thinking that if I could just reason with him he will finally break through. But after so much reasoning that only led to more insanity and our eventual breakup, I know it gets me nowhere, and seems to make him even angrier."

Discussion:

Jealousy is a complicated human emotion. In many ways, it is based on love, hate, paranoia, insecurity and self hate. Othello, in this quote and elsewhere in the play demonstrates his self hatred by comparing himself to a toad.

Nevertheless, it is important to point out that jealousy can be it be a normal human emotion experienced by most people at least at one time during their lives. Jealousy becomes a problem when it refuses to diminish in intensity and when the thinking of the jealous individual is fixed on that one idea.

It might be difficult to believe that jealousy can be based on love. However, the jealous individual wants to completely possess their lover. They believe that the loved one is so lovable that others may steal her away, resulting in tragic abandonment and loss. 

Yet, jealousy is also based on hatred. The loved one is viewed as having power, choice and great beauty that will make them want to leave their partner. In this thinking, the loved one must be carefully guarded or they will go astray.

The fixed paranoid, delusional thinking of this type of lover can be symptomatic of a more serious mental illness. In the E. Mail sample above, the former girl friend reports that her ex lover was diagnosed with a Bipolar Disorder. In the  throes of a manic or deeply depressive phase of the illness, a Bipolar patient can become quite delusional and even experience hallucinations. It should be said that having a Bipolar Disorder does not mean that a person will have a jealous delusion nor does having a jealous delusion mean that a person has a Bipolar Disorder.

The fixed delusional jealous thinking is marked by the constant suspicion that the loved one is guilty of infidelity. This paranoid delusion is accompanied by constantly harassing the loved one with questions and accusations about how they spent the day, where they went and who they spoke with. In the worst cases, the jealous spouse attempts to control the life of their partner and intrudes into every aspect of their life, looking for evidence of cheating.  As in Othello, the jealous delusion can result in murder.

It has been argued that Othello was not plagued by a delusion because it was his enemies who planted the idea in him that Desdemona was unfaithful. In contrast, a jealous delusion is based on no evidence at all.

It is additionally important to point out how our E. Mailer complains that her boyfriend became increasingly angry the more she insisted on her innocence. A fixed delusion is exactly what the term implies. It is fixed, meaning that an individual will not budge from their belief and because the belief is delusional it protests of incense only provoke more suspicions.

Sometimes psychotherapy can help a person with this type of fixed and unrealistic way of thinking. If it is part of a psychosis, medication sometimes helps loosen unrealistic thinking. For other people, fixed and delusional thoughts can be part of a personality disorder and, therefore, much more resistant to medication and psychotherapy. As with most personality disorders, psychotherapy requires a long term of treatment.

Your comments, questions and experiences with this type of experience are very much encouraged.

Allan N. Schwartz, Ph'd.

Comments
  • Anonymous-1

    I'm in a very similar situation where my husband, father of my two kids, keeps accusing me of having affair with multiple men. He even denies fathering the 2 kids. after staying 11 years in the relationship, I left my home!! My fault, I have a great job and great relationship with families on both the sides while he changed 7 jobs in past 10 years and has been in and out of jobs for months in between. Has been fighting with the family members when face to face and has extremely bad opinion about my family (Especially my mother who he accuses of the same as me!!)

    I can't think of any solution but to leave him and never to see him again!!!

  • jabar

    Very similar situation - - Dec 6th 2009

    I'm in a very similar situation where my husband, father of my two kids, keeps accusing me of having affair with multiple men. He even denies fathering the 2 kids. after staying 11 years in the relationship, I left my home!! My fault, I have a great job and great relationship with families on both the sides while he changed 7 jobs in past 10 years and has been in and out of jobs for months in between. Has been fighting with the family members when face to face and has extremely bad opinion about my family (Especially my mother who he accuses of the same as me!!)

    I can't think of any solution but to leave him and never to see him again!!

    i have the same problem iam a man i know the problem is with me but i cant belive that plz plz help me how i can belive to my waif and other peoples

  • Anonymous-2

    You have taken a very good decision by leaving him.

    There is no reason to be with a man with delusional jelousy.

    It is of no use and you will suffer for next years in your life.

    Why wasting time and enjoy yourself

  • Mr C

    I too am a victim. I met a very nice girl at our class reunion. 48 years old. After a few months of dating she increasingly would make comments about me looking at other women. Over about a one to two month period we went from a happy loving couple to her being insane with jealousy. She started to read my email and ask to see my cell phone. She would ask who this person is and that person on Facebook. I am the most innocent person that I know and all of my friends were shocked by her behavior. They say that I am the most trustworthy person that they know. When I met her she was about 20 pounds heavier. I have suspicions that she came off of her meds (she never told me if she took meds) and that is why in the first three months she dropped a lot of weight. It’s all speculation at this point because she accused me of exchanging information with women in the movies, museum, tours and shopping. She eventually told me to leave and do not contact her. Very strange. When you date someone that has mental illness you to can become a little bit mentally ill yourself. This has taken me quite a while to get over. For the record I adored her and never did any of the things she accused me of.

  • me

    This helped. I am in the same boat and it seems to be getting worse. At first, it was not like this, however, I should have recognized some symptoms that it was headed this way. He said he married his ex-wife only because she was ugly and he knew nobody would want her. And he has ALWAYS wanted to be with me for years and never mistreated me. The symptoms only showed their face AFTER we got married! He has not been diagnosed, nor do I think he even knows what is wrong. I didn't even know what is wrong but all of his accusations are NOT TRUE. He does intrude into every area of my life, he is even jealous of my kids, read an old journal from many years ago, looks at my phone on a daily basis, answers my phone and returns my texts for me......Bipolar, delusional jealousy, etc. whatever it may be, he needs help in a desperate way. I am scared and by reading this article, I feel helpless. I do love him, but I can't live like this. It has taken a toll on my health. On top of it all, he did a lot of prison time which I feel kept him "fixed". Sounds like there is no help for him and I need to leave him.....or is their help? My friends have left because of his jealousy. They don't contact me at all anymore. I feel alone and trapped.

  • daughter

    My mom & dad were married over 40 yrs and he was constantly accusing her of cheating, with zero possibility. He would accuse his friends, our relatives, and even my mom's 25 year younger boss, even called him in the middle of the night. He spied on mom's phone conversations(even when I was the one she was on the phone with), recorded her gas mileage, studied pictures of her with other people, followed her home from work, etc.

    Ironically, he actually had an affair and left my mom for the other woman. He drained and closed all bank accounts, liquidated the 401k, and even keyed my car in retaliation because I testified against him in court to get some of the money back. Even though he saw me witness the vandalism, he denies doing it but told my aunt I deserved it because he is sure my mother must have bought me the car for siding with her in the divorce. My mother's car was also keyed, but she did not witness it.

    They have since divorced and he moved to another house in the same small town. He was often seen driving around by my mom's street and places she is known to be at regular times. My mother works in another town in hopes that he won't know where she is to harrass her. In his new neighborhood, he has had many feuds with the neighbors which has landed him in jail and in the town newspaper. He was on probation and has now been released.

    I still fear for my mother's safety. He has not been seen around town hardly at all in the last few months. Hopefully, he is better or has a new hobby besides being consumed with my mother. I sure hope so. He has been treated for bipolar for 30 years, and was being treated for paranoia with an antipsychotic up until 5 years ago when we still spoke. I know he does not like to take the antipsychotic and tends to go off of it at times. He lies to his psychiatrist that he is feeling fine even when he is not and the doctor believes him! As long as he is alive I will fear for my mother, other members of my family, any myself.

  • Melissa Richards

    My Husband has this belief I have slept around and will do it again. His evidence is soo flimsy. Reasoning just gets him angry and he doesn't believe that our daughter is his. He also has to have sex all the time and if I don't give it to him I get harrassed big time! He really says some horrible things sometimes than twists up what he actually said if I approach him about it. I have just asked him to leave because I have both read and heard that it only gets worse. Am I doing the right thing? He is soo negative and has mood swings.

  • Bipolar David

    Admitting that you suffer from delusions is a powerful blow to the ego, and can take a while to get comfortable with. When you can accept that you suffer from and actually have “delusional thoughts” the thoughts will become easier to deal with. So now instead of you being convinced that the person you love is sleeping around behind your back there is an alternate explanation for why you feel this way that should be considered.

    Your ultimate goal is to be able to quickly identify the “delusional thoughts” and dismiss them for what they really are, a “delusion”. This is a much better alternative than acting on the “delusional jealousy” with another display of accusatory rage.

    Every time you act on the “delusional jealousy” with accusation and hostility you are pushing (if not shoving) the person who loves you away. Speaking from experience, push them hard enough and you just might end up losing them.

    I am going through one of these phases for the past week, and have not said a word about it to my wife. I have been coaching myself through the delusional jealousy and pick it apart until I realize how absurd my thinking is.

  • Bipolar David

    One of tell tale symptoms of bipolar disorder is a veracious sexual appetite. So veracious that it can, and sometimes does, become the only thing you think about for days at a time.Some of the distorted thinking is that everyone else on the planet has this same sexual appetite. They don't. My wife is 45 years old and dealing with menopause, when I am thinking rationally I don't think her appetite for sex is anywhere near what mine is. I don't know a great deal about menopause, but I understand that it greatly decreases the sexual appetite.

    The irrational and distorted thinking is that if I'm this horny and in need of sex this badly then every other heterosexual man is too So now every other man on the planet wants to have sex with my wife. This must also mean that she too is in need of sex just as badly as I do. Then the distorted thinking continues to grow and your brain jumps to the conclusion "if we are not having sex together she must be getting her veracious appetite filled somewhere else, with someone else". Now the fire of delusional jealousy has been fueled 10 fold. Add on top of that the guilt of the horrible things that you said to your partner over the past few years and now you become absolutely sure that you have pushed them away so hard that they must be seeking intimate companionship elsewhere. The cherry on top is that it is much easier for a woman to get sex than it is for a man. All of this rolled together creates a powerfully suspicious jealousy that tears you apart from the inside out.

    Let me tell you from personal experience that feeling that tears you apart from the inside sucks. I hope this helps put some perspective on your partners delusional jealousy episodes.

  • Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

    Hi David,

    Thank you for your interesting comments and for your honesty. I hope you are aware of the fact that a person does not have to have a Bipolar Disorder to be morbidly jealous. The person can also be a woman just as much as a man.

    With regard to sexual appetite, people vary greatly as to the amoung of libido they experience. There are plenty of men who, like your wife, seem to want less sex as they age. There are also women who, despite menopause, experience no interruption in their sexual desire. Also, it might be a good idea for your wife to discuss her libido with her physician. In reality, there is little reason a healthy woman should lose her interest in sex just because of menopause. It is related to hormonal changes and other things as well that are more medical in nature than anything.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-3

    My husband has delusional jealousy. It started over 2 years ago. We have 2 teenage children. He is seeing a psychotherapist weekly and a psychiartist for medication. I am not sure that anything is helping. He continues to accuse me of being unfaithful. He calls me many horrible names. Even in front of our children. I feel so alone. I have a very supportive family. He has no one. he cut off all ties to his family right after we got married. My emotions are all over the place. Ranging from anger, sadness, guilt, hurt etc.. Can a relationship survive this? or Am I just wasting my time? I am afraid of the future.

  • Alan

    My wife and I have been going through an on off seperation for several months now because of my problem. I didn't even realise I had it until I was being treated for an anxiety disorder.

    Let me tell you what it is like for me. I love the very ground my wife walks on, she is beautiful and she is an amazing person. However I surely cannot be the only man that can see this and I am sure there are many men out there that are much better looking and much nicer than I am. If one of these men were to approach my wife she may be swept off of her feet. Because of this I have an uncontrolable need to know where she is, who she is with, why she went there and for how long. I check her Facebook account to see if any new friends have been added and if so I need to know who they are and how my wife knows them.

    I know deep down inside that my wife is not the type of person that would cheat, but it doesn't stop me from feeling as if she has,is or will cheat on me. I have accused my wife many times and have said some terrible things to her, this has been very tough for her and this is why she wants to leave me.

    Things have now changed very much for us. After being diagnosed the psychiatrist told my wife she must leave straight away and she must not phone, email or contact me in any way and that I must not attempt to contact her. He said this zero contact seperation could last several months. he also said until I am better my wife being around will only hinder my progress, and that we can see where the marriage will go after I am better.

    To me this counter productive, now I am sure she will meet someone else and when I am better it will be too late. I have no idea where she is going at night, when and if she is even going home at night, it is absolute hell. My wife has promised me she will stay faithful while we are apart, but what if one of these amazing men meet her before I see her again. He may aswell have sent me to prison, I just don't think i'll servive it, it has only been a week so far.

  • Cie

    At the same time that my partner shows all signs of this delusional jealousy , to include increased rage, physically threatening like grabbing my hair, ripping my clothes off so I don't leave the house. He also is overly sexualized and often (regularly) talks about swinging, trying a "raven" party, having women or men join in.

    I don't get it. How is one so jealous (he claims he is not), and at the same time wants to see me doing it with someone in his presence.

    He rationalizes my infidelity (not real), by saying it's okay, you just have to tell me. YA RIGHT! IMAGINE! I'm scared to use my "toys".

    He rather me be a slut in his face because he can't believe i'm faithful parther.

    I can only tell hime that his behavior and thoughts are not normal, that I think he should seek help. But, of course, I'm the one who is crazy and I shouldn't go around diagnosing people. He never see's his faults, he never apologizes.

    I feel like the victom, yet because I see that this in not normal and that he can't control it, I then sympathize (to my self) and deal with it.

    I've begun to have anxiety/panic attacks at the slight of his raised his voice, being verbally abusive, which he tends to become, when a negative thought has been brewing in his head.

    When I fight back, or constantly try to prove my innocence, try to show him reasoning, he calls me crazy, says mean things to me, says my friends don't like me, calls me crack head, coke head, alchololic, and again he wants me to do all of these things with him. Which I don't do and he does not believe.

    Fits all descriptions in my research and simple definitions in wikipedia of bothe Paranoid personality disorder and delusional jealousy. Don't know where the oversexualized behavior fits in.

  • Twiggy

    All, I can say is the man I married is not the man that exsit today. We were married 17 years together 24.

    One day he shows up at my office, to take me out to lunch which was uncommon, then I get home from work at the end of the week, he assaultes me accusing me of having sex with a security guard at the place of my employment. He claims he saw me on a web-site (nude body only, no face.)having sex with a man which he believes is the security guard. I was over come by all his accusations, He believes I was cheating on him during work hours, seeing I was always home with him and our daughter, as a family we did everything togehter it was all I wanted in my life was my family and a safe home. Because of his behavoir my family, daughter and relatives have all been affected, he even went as far as accusing some of my relatives and coworkers helping me sneak behind his back..he even said our daughter help cover up for me.

    I'm going through a divorse now. I have a restraining order on him because, of assaulting me and theats. He thinks I don't derserve any of our assets. He has not been seeing his daughter that often, she makes most of the efforts to see him. I tell her to continuing loving her Father. I'm seeking help and are on depression med. because of his emotional damage which I can not share with you yet. Time will heal my wounds emotional and physical abuse.

    I have suffered a great loss, he was not only my husband he was my best friend.

  • Anonymous-4

    good thing to use if you are cheating

  • anon.

    I even begged my wife to sit with me while I underwent a polygraph answering any questions she could come up with. She wouldn't do it no matter how much I explained it would releive her mind. She WANTED to continue being delusionaly jealous, no way around it.

  • Anonymous-5

    I have been in this relationship for over five years now. I the beginning it was a dream come true. A very affectionate, caring, loving, loyal and charming man. I started noticing a change early on in our relationship. Did not know what it was and off course thought I did something wrong. He starting interrogating me and manipulate my answers to be something different than what I was actually saying. Becoming extremely jealous. And imagining me looking at other guys. Searching for any type of evidence to proof his false accusations. He became very verbally abusive and when I told him this is not what I want in a relationship he became absolutely crazy, locked me in and dragged me by the hair and kicked me on my legs. I was terrified because this has never happened to me before. I finally managed to run out in the morning and call for help. The police came and I made a report. He left since the police terrifies him. Some of his friends took him to a hospital where he was taken in by force after them noticing his odd behavior and irrational talking.

    I have never encounter someone with a mental illness before, and I felt sorry for him. Why?! I DON'T KNOW!! I agreed to go to counseling and he went to anger management for one year. Things seemed to be getting better. When his verbal abuse would come up I would leave and try not to aggravate the situation and let him calm down and deal with himself. I learned to accept that he was sick and there was nothing I could do. I stayed. I have lost most of my friends. Been kicked out of apartment cause of him. Lost jobs cause of him. But it is all my fault for staying. I am afraid to be alone. I see the goodness in him but the evil side is way overwhelming. He does not remember his rages and are very apologetic and buys me gifts and overwhelms me with "love". I am a smart girl. I do not know why I have such a hard time leaving. I need to find a women's group to figure out how to get out of this situation. Please Help

  • Tamee

    I am bipolar. Jealousy has always been a problem for me, but in the recent years it has seemed to escilate. When I am in the state of being "normal" and away from any cause that ignites my jealousy, I look at my jealousy as ridiculous and uncalled for, knowing it is not right or the norm for most people. My boyfriend could not be better, and leaves no room to be suspisous of and yet when I have a "reason" (which is always crazy) I become so persistant and so absolute that my thoughts are VERY true and rational. I become jealous over women on TV. I am jealous of any woman past or present in my boyfriends life to which he has made ANY comment regarding the physical of that women. Not that I want to, but we absolutely CANNOT watch ANY movie with nudity of women or scantilly dressed women and if it occurs I always react with jealousy which always is a huge fight. With so many movies feeling the need to insert these scenes you can imagine that this "fighting" comes to often. Sometimes I become jealous over a women in movies who is just beautiful. I must tell you that it is humiliating to feel this way, as I am so aware that it is indeed crazy. Yet when in that horrid state of mind, nothing can convince me that it is irrational. I get angry, cry, accuse, insist, knowing that in his mind he is pervertidly attracted to this person and I feel so ugly and unattractive, and my boyfriend, who by the way continually tells me from the day we met how beautiful he thinks I am, sits helpless trying to defend himself, which at the time is impossible. He is the best man and yet I grill him over things that he has either no control of, or things that are non existant. I even get jealous over normal magazines! I hate this about me SO much. I hate that I may lose this wonderful man because of what seems out of my control. However, I will not give up in finding a better way of life. I refuse to give in to it. I advise all who read this to read the comments left by, SFT. I believe it is under the heading of, "what can I do about extreme jealousy." I hope you can find it. It seems simple and perhaps ineffective, but I find it to be sound advice, and I intend on putting his advice to work for myself. It offers me hope and I hope any and all of you who suffer with this "demon" of sorts, finds at the least relief, and hopefully more. I think SFT's comments focus on retraining your mind. It is accepting that you have a mental issue that torments your mind and although you cannot control it, you CAN and MUST fight it. He gives more detail that you should read about. I see it as a hard mission, but I also see it as rewarding and it is not only right to fight, but necessary when you love and want to be loved. My boyfriend, your wife, your husband, your partner, does NOT deserves to be under the accusations, and scrutiny of our uncontrolled jealousy and inner deceptions. And we who have this problem also deserve to be happy and calm within our minds and hearts. ALL of you who suffer from this ugly hold of jealousy, never give up. God Bless you who try.

  • Tamee

    I just left a comment on this subject of jealousy but gave the wrong site to look at if you are interested in reading what I found to be sound advice to help us with jealousy. I said earlier to look at SFT's comment, and I gave an incorrect search for the comment. It is under "how can I control my morbid jealousy." Or you can put SFT in the search as well.

  • Psychological Mullet

    I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I am always terrified that he is going cheat on me. When we first started dating we were just "friends" and we both had other people we were seeing and sleeping with. When I finally told him that I wanted to be exclusive with him he turned me down and said that he didn't want to be in a relationship. I asked him if there was ever a chance of us being together just one on one, he said yes and when and if the time came he would make that known. Well he did, we've been together for a few months now. Well we moved in together in Sept of this year. I did go off my meds, not by choice, but I have stopped them. I've noticed a serious change in my behavior and thinking. I'm pushing him away w/ all my nonsense, but I don't know how to stop these delusions I'm having. Its like I can't keep reality straight from my own messed up thoughts. He's never lied to me before, so I don't know why he would start now. We got into a fight last night and he said I constantly accuse him. I didn't think I was that bad, but I guess I really have been acting insane. I feel so helpless. The whole medication thing, there is a long story behind all that, but I know I need to get back on them and fast or I'm gonna end up messing everything up. I adore him and never want to loose him, but I'm seeing now that my outlandish accusations are pushing him away from me. I get so insecure and then I just react and think that he doesn't want me anymore. I hate this about myself and wish I could just fix it, but I don't know how. For those of you that have dealt with this, how did it make you feel? I have tried putting myself into his shoes to see how it would feel and its incredibly hard. I imagine that if someone told me on a regular basis that I was some sort of cheater or lier I would get pissed and want them to go away.

    For those of you that have dealt w/ someone w/ this type of disorder, what would make it better?

  • staceywhite

    My husband constantly digs, everything I say has another meaning behind it. Has to know who I am texting, has supposedly found me multiple times on the internet porn sites, and I have never even held another mans hand let alone what he says I do. He calls me the most degrading names, pulls my blankets off while I sleep to see "what I am doing" even if I am completely asleep with hands under my head, Ive been choked, pulled by my hair and kidnapped against my will multiple times. I say I am done he will take everything from me, keys, purse and phone then try to kick me out. He will tell me that he is going to hurt my family because they are in on it, randomly tell me through the day he is going to kill a new employee at my job because he knows something is going on. I married when I was 19 because i was so in love, and deep down I know he really loves me, he always comes home when he is suppose to, he doesn't even think of other women, loves being a good dad. But then there is my side where I am the victim and I want to run so far away from him that I never see him again. How do you go from locking someone in a room and calling them a dirty nasty whore in front of my child and my stepchildren to I love you and would give you the world and die for you? I love my husband more than any man in this world and want to continue a family with him for the rest of my life, but i get to the point of don't i deserve respect and dignity? Or is this really my life? Anyone with advice please respond, I didn't know this was a actual mental disorder til I looked it up today. I have been telling my husband he is completely delusional because he will say some truly off the wall accusations. I am 7 years in and only 26 I am always on eggshells I have no life and my own depression issues. At 19 on took on his 3 stepchildren as my own blood sweat and tears for our family and now have one of my own, its a horrible situation

  • Allan N. Schwartz' PhD

    Hi Stacey'

    please look for my response to your comment under "Reader Questions." Your comment deserves a longer response and more time than I can give here.

    Dr. Schwartz

  • Anonymous-6

    If you read the Torah there was in the Book of Numbers a section that referred to a mans suspicions of his wife, so much so, he could have her brought before the local pharisees to assess if she had been unloyal. From such determinations a divorce could be given, women never had a chance. jealousy is natural, but real love is unconditional. I pray that we may find a way to help those who suffer from delusion, but in a society entrapped with wealth, egotism, self centeredness and the Bling Bling mentality, it can be hard to keep a true perspective on a worthy moralistic and normative value system. I was accused of being Morbidly Jealous, but that doubt drove me I lost my marriage, but felt vindicated when I was told my wife had been having an affair, there were other signs. So mental illness accusations can be very damaging to a person. To those caught up the grips of accusations, remove all alcohol from your lives, ensure adequate rest is afforded to everyone, violence in any manner is not permitted and that includes verbal harrassment by either party. You must move out of such relationships for your own well being and that of your family as the final outcome can be devastating and the pain suffered in moving might be the best pain you have ever been through, may the Lord provide guidance and peace to you.

  • Creola Myles

    I stumbled accross this forum because I wanted to see if there were others going throught he same situation with Bi-Polar spouses constantly accusing them of cheating. I've been married for seven years and it's getting worse. My husband is on Abilify and he takes it sometimes and then goes months without it. He accuses me of having sex with every man I encounter and I have never stepped out our marriage. I was trying to figure it out if the accusations and the bi-polar disorder was connected and after reading numerous forums and posts - I see that it is. I am very unhappy and don't know which way to move. He doesn't think he has a problem, he doesn't think he should be on medication so he doesn't take it. It has gotten to the point where I am being of accused of cheating on my lunch break. If I don't answer the phone, I was with someone else. If I go to the store, I went to visit a man. If we are at a family outing, I am accused of wanting my family member's husbands and sons. It is truly insane. Not only am I dealing with this but I am dealing with the extra stuff that goes with bi-polar - the angriness, the high moments, the low moments, the insane moments. We have two children and if it was not for them, I would have left a long time ago. But I am trying to work it out for them and the fact that I take my marriage vows very seriously. This entire ordeal has me so stressed out that I can't even focus throughout the day. We are currently in couseling and it's not helping. The counselor is not getting through to him and she said so. He still won't take his medicine and he still causing our family a lot of pain.

  • jessica

    Can anyone tell me which medication can help loosen delusional thoughts please??

  • lisa

    This is the same thing Im going through right now. He has a brain injury from a car wreck 10 years ago. This disorder has just come up about 2 an a half months ago, and its getting worst by the minute. We have two children under the age of 10. This week, we are seeing a psych doctor. I have to insist they admit him because I can't take it..If it wasnt for the Lord, I don't know what I would do. He is now saying that I have a sexual disorder and that I needed to get more sex from someone else. This is the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard. I have never cheated on this man, and these accusations are insane. I hope this doctor will be able to do something. He is not violent, be very verbal. Prayer is working, but the problem still remains..

  • sheleftme

    I went through this with my wife as well, here trigger was a thyroidectomy.

    She went from bordering on delusional jealousy before the surgery to a full blown case afterwards.

    I tried to fix the marriage for two years after being called every name in the book, lots of threats to my career and safety, and four different couselors.

    After all this, she divorced me. For cheating on her, despite the fact that I haven't even kissed another woman since she and I met 24 years ago.

    18 years of marriage gone. BTW no amount of reasoning, or research, or articles about this problem can convince the sufferer that they have it. To them it's you - in their mind unfaithful, that is the whole issue.

    To anyone going through this I wish you well. I would have never left my wife in the middle of an illness - but she left me no other choice.

    Thanks,

    sheleftme

  • Anonymous-7

    wow, I am afraid I have a DDJ wife. She has been a stay home mom for 25 years, our kids are all in college and the last (3rd) one is about to go to college. I have a very time-demanding but good job, unfirtunately coming home tired at times after 14-16 hrs work is nothing to what awaits me at home, accusation about jealosy, madeup stories to try to make me 'confess' about her delusional ideations. next day she says she is sorry, but, then goes back to her spying on me and even verbally attacked a woman (her cousin's wife) who she accuses of having affair with me. the woman was so mad that she came to our house with her husband demanding apology from wife to no avail. even her husband(my wife's cousin} was angry at my wife after seeing she has no basis to make the accusation. I understand it is an illness that she has, and I want to stick around at least until my last kid goes to college, but, I am having difficulty dealing with the situation (my name is being tarnished by many people in our family/community as a cheater, they don't even believe if I tell them I am innocent, bec she is otherwise sane person (except for the jealousy). I am just venting, I guess. Baaaaad illness is what she has. I am afraid to age with her, I am afraid to even think how she would treat me if I am disabled and depedent on her, when she believes I was dishionest for decades by cheating on her. I believe she is staying with me (and saying sorry once in a while when she sees me upset ad when occasionally I just went to a hotel to rest for the night) because I am the breadwinner.

  • The Accused Wife

    I am suffering through this with my husband as the victim of his intense morbid jealousy. He is much older than me, 20 years, and his sexual health wanes and he has other medical issues. He is convinced that I cheat on him regularly. I love him so dearly and am about to confess to several of his false accusations, to move past it. I think it is the only solution. I know it is not honest, I never did cheat on him. I am having a hard time coming up with what to say. But I am going to do this to put an end to the accusations and hopefully we can start fresh from there.

  • Celia

    I hate to throw away 34 years of marriage over his delusional jealousy, but I don't know what else to do. The last 2 years have been horrible. There are hardly any places we can go to together locally because he thinks I have taken my imaginary lovers there before. He no longer sleeps with me because I am too "dirty" in our own home. When we travel, his problems seem to go away. He wants us to move outside the country. He only exhibits this behavior in my presence, so it's hard convincing friends and family that he needs help. All they see is that there are many places that he will not go to. How can I get him help when he insists that he has no problem? By the way, his father had this problem and I believe it's what led to my mother-in-law's suicide.

  • Karen Obrien

    Im also going through this, but husband is addicted to porn, . I feel this has somehow caused a loose wire. I stay home, starting online school, I home school my youngest. But he now goes to lonely wives websites and sees heavier women and thinks they are me.

    We have been married 18 yrss, how does he think some other womens body is mine .? Shouldnt he know mine after 18 yrs. I feel he is trying to push me away. I was understanding the first 4 times but im, now angry, hurt . I love my husband. I know first hand how jealousy and insecurity can be, I never went to such extreme false measures.

  • Jim

    My wife and I had a pretty good marriage for 32 years. She was diagnosed as manic depressive many years ago and has taken medication all that time. There were mostly good days and some not so good - but jealousy was never an issue. And I have always been very faithful and still am. Over a year ago she went on a two week trip with a girlfriend who convinced her to try Abilify. When she returned home she said that she had feelings that she'd not felt in many years. She was able to go out of the house and do things that she'd not done without anxiety for years. AND, the jealousy began right at that time. It was not gradual. And now the days are filled with accusations and unending interrogation, tests, and even traps. At first it was insulting - and I left home a couple of times for just a few days. I was hoping she would understand that this abuse was serious and unacceptable. It didn't matter. After a year and a half, I have come to understand that she really is not doing this out of choice. She has no control over it. That has made it better because I have stopped being insulted and have stopped reacting to her accusations. Its hard but it really does take two to fight. Our relationship is destroyed relative to before -- and of course to her I'm the one who changed.

  • TBford

    The prognosis of living with someone with this type of illness seems hopeless. I have been in the same situation for 20+ years. I feel very angry towards my spouse. he pastors a church that I eventually stop attending because of his suspicions of the men there. I didn't realize that this was an illness until I did a search on the web for extreme jealousy. I wish I never met him because it has been very stormy. Nothing feels right. We have an 11 year old son who wanted to attend a birthday party of a neighbor's son who attends the same school. Because dad thinks the boy's father wants to be with me, he doesn't want my son playing with him or socially involved in anyway. When I told him that it was unfair for him to deprive him of attending a birthday party, he denied it. And added the boy's father disrespected him because he was talking to me one day when he bought his son by to say hello to my son. Dad raged and got very angry and couldn't be reasoned with. The next day he told my son that it was his fault that he and I argued because he mentioned the birthday party. I assured my son that he did nothing wrong. I have been accused consistently and when I have expressed my weariness about his ongoing accusation about me. he says