Resources  email page print page Basic Information Chapter 1 - Self-help: What is it? 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When there is someone who is better looking than me, I feel inadequateWhat is the true meaning of being defensive?Stuck in an on-again, off-again relationship for 10 yearsHow do I get out of a friendship?Anger To Cover SadnessAsking a second time for boundaries to be respectedWhat is the right path of action?Please help me with basic social skillsstanding up for oneself Blog Entries The Incredible Human Brain, Neuroplasticity, and the Power of Positive ThinkingIf you lived here…An Interview with Jürgen Kriz on the topic of Self-Actualization and Rogerian Person Centered PsychotherapyPursue a New You Through True Self ValueWhat effect will prejudice have at the polling booths? How To Set New Year's Resolutions and Stick With ThemDysfunctional ProcrastinationThe Nature of EnvyHow To Stick To New Year's ResolutionsUnderstanding PerfectionismSelf-Control and Success (and how to learn better self-control too) Videos The Assertive Type VideoThe Passive Type VideoThe Aggressive Type VideoThe Passive-Aggressive Type Links [1] Information[4] Videos

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I was one of the many people who tuned into the Golden Globe awards ceremony the other day. I am embarrassed to admit that I did feel some pangs of envy as I watched the glamorous celebrities pose for the cameras on their walk down the red carpet. I will also confess that I periodically feel envious of those "perfect parents" who appear to have their children and lives completely under control. Why do I experience these feelings? What exactly is envy?

Dr. Richard Smith and Dr. Sun Hee Kim, from the University of Kentucky, recently published a comprehensive article describing the nature of envy as well as the negative effects it can have on our mental and physical health. Historically considered one of the seven deadly sins (and appearing in two of the Ten Commandments of the Old Testament), envy is a “state in which the desired advantage enjoyed by another person or group of people causes a person to feel a painful blend of inferiority, hostility, and resentment.” (Psychological Bulletin, 2007). As medieval theologian St. Thomas Aquinas wrote, "Charity rejoices in our neighbor's good, while envy grieves over it."

Dr. Smith and Dr. Kim's research suggests that my reaction to those “perfect parents” is the more common type of envy, when the person who has the desired advantage is relatively similar to you. In addition, envy is more likely when the domain of comparison is important to you. Parenting is an important role to me, so I am more likely to be envious of someone who seems to parent well than someone who excels at downhill skiing (not important to me).

Envy can be a destructive emotion both mentally and physically. Envious people tend to feel hostile, resentful, angry and irritable. Such individuals are also less likely to feel grateful about their positive traits and their circumstances. Envy is also related to depression, anxiety, the development of prejudice, and personal unhappiness.

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Not surprisingly, these negative mental states can impact physical health. Envious people can feel stressed and overwhelmed. In addition, most people don't want to hang out with an envious person because they are unpleasant to be around. As a result, envious people have fewer friends overall, as well as fewer friends who will help out in times of need. Worse, when an envious person receives help, she or he tends to feel resentful that assistance was necessary in the first place.

Since envy is an unhealthy emotion, how can you prevent it from occurring? The first step is to recognize and label these feelings as envious. This may be harder than it sounds. Because envy is considered a socially unacceptable emotion, many of us deny having these feelings both publicly and privately.

Dr. Smith and Dr. Kim suggest that once you have recognized and labeled envy feelings, you can try to dismantle them with a variety of cognitive therapy techniques and strategies, including:

1. Self-Reliance and Perseverance. To "perseverate" is to repeat an action over and over. In this instance, the term is used to suggest that you repeatedly examine your thoughts to determine whether they are envious. If you find that they are envious at any given moment, remind yourself of how these thoughts don't help your life and can actually harm it. The more you can manage to catch and correct your thinking, the easier it will be to remain envy-free.

 

2. Selective Ignoring and Distraction. When you find yourself thinking envious thoughts, quickly remind yourself that the other person's advantage isn't important in the grand scheme of things, and then focus on other thoughts (a pleasant memory, things that need to be done, etc) or engage in another activity. By distracting yourself with another absorbing thought or activity, you can stop your envious thoughts in their tracks.

 

3. Self-Bolstering involves reminding yourself of your own positive qualities and advantages. This strategy doesn't seem to reduce envy itself, but can make you feel less angry and depressed in the face of your envy.

If these strategies don't work for you, or envious emotions seem to be significantly decreasing your quality of life or impacting your daily functioning, it's important to seek help from a trained mental health therapist.

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Thank you!

bad behaviour = bad character - Hater magnet - Aug 27th 2009

Feel sorry for someone who treats me badly because of their emotional immaturity ?  I think not...

We all have challenges in life and it is the way we react to these challenges that determines our character.  It is normal to feel jealous from time to time, but acting out against others because of it means you have poor character and a lack of morals.

Expose haters, then ignore them...that includes "friends" and family.  Don't be a victim - you are only on this earth once.  Spend time only with nice people and let the haters fight with each other in the sandbox.

"no time to hate, only time to love"

Root of Envy - - Aug 25th 2009

I think envy usually stems deeper than just comparing. It usually comes from our personal experiences and how we are treated. When I was younger, I was a size zero and very rarely did people comment on my weight. I felt content and happy with the way I looked back then and I had a lot of peace of mind in that department.

However, since the size zero debate, I became the target of abuse from both men and women (as for the latter, Im not sure if this was envy, but I was sure that men were being truthful). This made me feel very hurt, frustrated and angry as I found it difficult to put weight on and I was being judged on something that I couldn't change or control. This ultimately resulted in feeling a torturous sense of inferiority when I saw images of women with slim, curvy figures. I was always reminded of how horrible I looked when i saw these women and resented them for being blessed with better bodies.  Now that I have managed to put on weight, I don't feel much envy, but I think there is always a part of me that is going to worry about being too thin or that there could be room for improvment.

As for women on here talking about their experiences of being envied, you've got to remember that it is them who are hurting more than you. These jealous women/girls must have been told they were ugly by obnoxious men, which is always a powerful source of feeing an overpowering sense of anxiety and inferiority. Not to mention, the images seen in the media are always an indirect way of saying "you are too ugly to be seen on TV or in a magazine". Ive always found that insecurity with regards to looks always stem from horrible personal experiences and a lack of evidence (e.g attention from the opposite sex) to prove them false. This always leads to constant anxiety and misery. As a result, they get very emotional when a man ignores them or if an attractive woman walks by. As for the latter, it is always because they assume as if it is fact that that woman is content and happy and knows she is beautiful. By comparison, the envier on the other hand is dicontent, miserable and is 100% convinced that they are unattractive and that no one is ever going to like them.

Envious people always obsess about how their rival better them and get increasingly angry and resentful about how life is unfair and how they are cursed with undesirable looks. Why would you cry about comments made by such people who have this sort of mentality? If anything, you should feel sorry for them.   

Envy: - Lynn - Aug 5th 2009

It's hard to admit-I've had envious feelings tward my best friend. She's prettier, smarter, out going, and more socail than me. She's also surrounded by her other friends just like her-and it makes me feel like the odd one of them all.. But, I never put her down in any way, and I'm never hostile to her. Anytime I felt like I was about to feel that way, I would do something else-like go home.

((I don't know what else to type))

Help?

Such a shame - byebyeHaters - Apr 14th 2009

Envy is a real tragedy since it destroys otherwise positive human relationships.  It is out of control in our society due to the new religion of "materialism".Cut one "friend" (Marina Arias) completely out of my life last year and have stopped spending time with another (Nicole Fieger) due to their envy.  It comes most commonly from people who lack success in employment and those who live their lives cheque-to-cheque (due to greed and lack of self-control).  They often drink a lot in bars and/or have expensive drug habits - this is why they are constantly broke and envious of people not in that situation.What you notice is put-downs, undermining, negativity, laughing at you, gossip, criticism, etc.  Usually it starts subtly (so you can't fight back without looking bad).  It is, however, a mistake to ignore it because they feed off putting you down like it is crack cocaine.  They will continue the behaviour and it will get worse.  Lack of success makes this the only way they can feel good about themselves (though very temporarily).  So, best move is to drop a "friend" as soon as envy symptoms appear.   Psychologists say to end a friendship after 3 negative incidents that can't be explained - ask no questions; just leave and cease contact.  The Buddha instructs us to surround ourselves with people who are a positive influence in our lifes and to remove ourselves from those who are a negative influence.  I think Jesus would agree. Peace to all.

envious in relaitionships - brianna - Mar 11th 2009

so i have incredibly terrible envious feelings towards my long term boyfriend. it gets worse and worse, and i find myself matching to everything in the articles i've been reading. i'm often incredibly mean to him, I find pleasure when he fails, and I get very very upset when I think of real life situations like college and ACT's. I read and hear people say that "I realize I have so much to live for." Well I just got over depression and continuing to see a psychologist, but I don't see worth in certain parts of my life, so I feel no need to compare that part.

 It's terrrible :(

PLEASE HELP - Shane - Jan 22nd 2009

I am a late teenager, and i found myself being envious of the same person for about 5 or 6 years. We went to gradeschool, and highschool together and it seems that he has every single thing that i dont, and when i finally feel like i have someone or something for my own, he takes it. Its not even that he blatantly takes it, but that he does it without thinking, and does not even notice his ignorance. We have always been friends because we hang out with the same people, and sometimes i even think of how much i wish he didnt even hang out with me or go to the same school.

I was wondering if anyone has any advice.

Thanks alot..

Yes, I feel envy and shame over feeling it. - Xavie - Jan 16th 2009

As I age, I have noticed I am more prone to envy.  I envy women who are younger and prettier than me.  I recently turned 50 so as you can imagine the number is increasing.  I cannot be around certain women because I feel so much envy. I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way. There has to be more to life than appearances.

When I was younger, I thought that older women did not like me because I was pretty. Now, I am an older woman and I do not like younger women for this reason.

I feel I base to much on looks and wish I could get beyond this because I think it would help me get over my envy problem.

help from envy - blue - Oct 27th 2008

i have come for help from envious people. i dont know how to deal with them anymore. i only have a few friends at school and i tend to concentrate on my studies a lot. other people at school just dont seem to agree with the way that i live my life; they think that i ignore them on purpose to hurt them, so they attack me verbally as i pass by. i dont want to brag, i just want everyone to get the story right. i also happen to look really good which makes the guys from school easily attracked to me. but the thing is that for now i only want to concentrate on school and nothing else, however they wont leave me alone with their poisonous, cutting commets. being envied hurts. sometimes they are so cruel with the things they say that i cant help but be depressed. sometimes i even cry. i dont know how to soothe myself in moments like that. they make me feel so insecure, so bad, that i dont even want to be myself anymore. how can i deal with them? please somebody offer some insight. thanks in advance.

Can't take it - caps lock - Oct 15th 2008

I am an envious person..I really can't handle the feeling anymore. Everytime I see the person who I envy, I just want to close my eyes and I just want that moment to end. I just wan him out of my life. But, I can't.

Feeling envious - - Oct 9th 2008

I hate feeling this way too.  I wish I could love myself every day.  And stop wishing I was someone else.

 For years i had a terrible self-image and when I look back at picutures I realized how good I looked and slim not heavier like I thought. 

 I wasted so much time feeling terrible instead of good.  Why????

So, I am desperatly trying not to carry on this way for the next 20 years.  but it's hard. 

I did not fully understand envy - me - Aug 8th 2008

I did not fully understand envy until I read about it in my bible.  There is nothing admirable about envy, infact, envy is hateful, selifsh, self-centered and very insecure person.  I did not understand why this person I knew, would use me when it was convenient, in other times hated me, and then said I tried to be like her, when in contrast, it most seemed like she was jealous of my life and marriage.  I understand now, and those people are not pleasant at all, and beware of their friendship.

why to be envy - malak sayed - Jul 11th 2008
actually,if we think deeply in this case,we could vividly see that not all ppl around enjoying a perfect life,its that we just see things superficially.we might enjoy many things more than those ppl whome we do envy,the time they just dream to have.so simply just thank god for what u are,an work on urselves to be the best.and trust me many other ppl do really wish to be a mini u.

Envied One - Thena - Mar 22nd 2008
My envier attacked me verbally - that is she judged me and my relationship with my husband and the problem is that she made me feel horrible and I did not respond to her attacks and now the problem is that I feel humiliated and diminished. How do I get rid of this damaging feelings to my health? 

Painful envy - Willow - Dec 11th 2007

Claudia, that could be me talking. I have problems with envy too and I know they stem from low self esteem and low confidence and are an ingrained habit going back years. I know all this but I'm finding it so difficult to combat and with it comes guilt and shame because my worst, deepest envy is of those friends closest to me and it's painful even admitting it to myself. I fear letting them down because they are so generous towards me, which makes me feel a much lesser human being as a result.

You are not alone - but there is little out there to provide comfort or help and it seems to be rather a taboo subject. I have begun CBT but fear that it might take more than a few sessions of it to make any difference at all. A self help group might be a good idea but I don't think any exist. Good luck with battling against it, and try and hold onto the thought that you are  worthwhile person even if you don't  always feel you are.

A victim of envy - ET - Oct 10th 2007
I can understand how difficult it must be to suffer from envy. I have recently been the subject of an envious business partner. His envy was all consuming and he seemed to blame everything that happened to him,including his financial position which was due to his own overspending, on me. His envy led him to severe depression and he found temporary relief from his sadness by overspending which just compounded the difference between himself and me. As a result over several years he became impoverished as I became wealthier. No matter how much I did it was never enough. We could never pay him enough. As a result he decided to leave our firm at the worst possible time for himself which I believe will compound his bad situation even further. The only consolation I have is that now he no longer has somebody to blame for his situation. We often pity the person with envy but it is important to remember the subject of envy is often made to feel guilty for his/her success. It is a form of vengeance.

message - janeth - Oct 8th 2007
it really helps,it makes me learn

- - Sep 24th 2007

I hate having these feelings and feel awful about it. One friend that I admitted my envious feelings to asked the following question .

Would you want to be that certain peson that you are feeling envious towards? The answer would probably be NO. Maybe even Hell No!!!  It is then that you realize that you have a good life, and good things to be grateful for.

Hope this helps

feeling envious all the time - claudia - Jul 21st 2007
 I have a huge problem with envy.. but the weird thing is that i envy people who dont have as many advantages as me..  My envy feelings are taking over my life and i cant be happy because of that.. i dont know what to do.. its creating problems to me and my husband.. its not me the one that has the fault, its my brain that keeps thinking about how happpy other people are and i am not..